Grace To You:: Unleashing God's Truth, One Verse at A Time
Grace To You:: Unleashing God's Truth, One Verse at A Time
Grace To You:: Unleashing God's Truth, One Verse at A Time
John MacArthur
Ours is a dark and decaying society. Sins that only twenty years ago were gasped at and spoken of in
hushed and troubled tones are now publicly flaunted and even encouraged. Not so long ago,
extramarital affairs were scandalous. Today, they're viewed as the norm. Even the president of the
United States can engage in promiscuous behavior with a young intern, lie about it, and enjoy
overwhelming support in public opinion polls. Why? Because so many Americans' own private lives
are filled with similar sins. Our society has become inured to the sinfulness of sin. Homosexuality,
incest, abortion, and even sex with children no longer shock and infuriate society the way they once
did. In fact, all those sins now have their own advocacy groups, people who argue that such things
are healthy, even desirable, activities.
The moral collapse has caused untold damage to the family. In fact, any attack on the moral fiber of
society is ultimately an attack on the family. The proof can be seen in statistics that now show broken
families are the rule rather than the exception. Turn on almost any one of the daytime television talk
shows, and you're likely to see families literally disintegrating before your eyes.
Organized efforts to undermine the family and family life are now being sponsored by the women's
rights movement, the children's rights movement, and the gay liberation movement. Hardly an
election day comes anymore, without including "gay marriage" initiatives and other voters'
propositions whose sole purpose is to redefine the whole concept of family. These are perilous times
for the family. Add into the sinister brew the changing concept of marriage, the increasing acceptance
of divorce, and the obliteration of gender differences and elimination of any distinction between malefemale rolesand it becomes easy to see why the concept of family today is nothing like it was just
two decades ago.
The result is that families are disintegrating. Is there anyone left in our society who has not been
touched in some way by divorce, broken families, child abuse, juvenile delinquency, and a host of
other ills directly related to the breakdown of the family?
In every generation, the dissolution of marriages, torn families, and broken homes take a greater and
greater toll. This generation's kids will reap what their parents have sown, and they'll plant seeds that
will bear thirty, sixty, and a hundredfold. The rising numbers of ruptured families is now accelerating
exponentially. What can we expect from future generations?
The only hope is for Christians to proclaim and reassert the divine standard from God's Wordand
especially to live it out in their own family lives. Christians must hold firmly to the distinctive biblical
pattern for the family. And the church must begin again to articulate without fear or shame what the
Word of God says about the family.
In the early 1980s I made a film series and wrote a book about the family. The demand for that
material exceeded everything I had ever written before that. And over the intervening years, wherever
I have gone, people have asked me questions about the family. Despite the volumes that have been
written and all that has been said about the family, Christians are still hungry for more instruction.
I must admit, however, that I don't particularly care to be cast as a "family expert." I don't believe any
particular psychological or professional expertise is needed to help what ails modern families. The
biblical principles governing the order of the family are amazingly simple and straightforward.
Scripture sets forth the divine pattern for family life in such clear terms that whoever tries to follow the
biblical pathway, though he be a fool, should not go astray (cf. Isaiah 35:8). The confusion comes
when people try to fit the Bible's teaching into the framework of contemporary "wisdom." We must
take God's Word at face value, and obey it without compromise or reservation.
This little booklet cannot begin to answer all the biblical questions people will ask about the family, but
these are the key questions. And my hope is that these answers will provide a starting point for
dealing with the troubling questions you may be asking.
Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her, that He
might sanctify and cleanse her with the washing of water by the word, that He might present her to
Himself a glorious church, not having spot or wrinkle or any such thing, but that she should be holy
and without blemish. So husbands ought to love their own wives as their own bodies; he who loves
his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as the
Lord does the church. For we are members of His body, of His flesh and of His bones. "For this
reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become
one flesh." This is a great mystery, but I speak concerning Christ and the church. Nevertheless let
each one of you in particular so love his own wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects
her husband.
Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. "Honor your father and mother," which is the
first commandment with promise: "that it may be well with you and you may live long on the earth."
And you, fathers, do not provoke your children to wrath, but bring them up in the training and
admonition of the Lord.
These, then, are the elements of a successful family: A wife characterized by submission; a husband
who loves his wife sacrificially; children who obey and honor their parents; and parents who instruct
and discipline their children by being a consistent, godly example. Virtually every question that can be
asked about the family must first go back to this passage of Scripture and the pattern it sets forth.
Even if your family is without children, or without a father or mother, the basic formula for family
success is the same: each family member must pursue his God-ordained role.
accepting the lowest task it was possible for Him to perform on their behalf. The wife shows her
submission to her husband by following his leadership, "For the husband is head of the wife, as also
Christ is head of the church" (v. 23).
The husband's role is that of leader, "head of the wife." But that does not mean the wife is his slave,
standing at his beck and call, awaiting commands like, "Do this! Get that! Go over here! Fix that for
me!" and so on. The relationship between a husband and wife is one of "being heirs together of the
grace of life" (1 Peter 3:7). The wife is the weaker vessel, and the husband is to honor her, protect
her, and be an understanding leader.
The marital relationship is more intimate, personal, and inward than that of a master and slave. That
is indicated in Ephesians 5:22 by the phrase "your own husbands." The husband-wife relationship is
built on an intimate possessiveness. The verse seems to imply that it is assumed the wife would
willingly respond in submission to one whom she possesses.
The wife's role is by no means second-class. It involves no kind of inferior status; only a Godordained difference in function. This fact is wonderfully illustrated by 1 Corinthians 11:3: "The head of
every man is Christ, the head of woman is man, and the head of Christ is God." God and Christ have
roles of authority and submission, yet they are one in essence as God. So it is with husband and wife.
Their roles differ, but in essential quality and value, they are equal. As Paul points out, men lead, but
women are delivered from any thought of inferior influence by bearing and raising children. Men have
the lead, but women have the stronger influence on the next generation (cf. 1 Timothy 2:11-15).
What should a Christian wife do if her husband fails to be the authority for her to submit to?
What if the husband isn't seeking to fulfill his role? What if he abdicates his position of leadership and
leaves it to the wife to be the head of the home? It happens frequently, and especially in the realm of
spiritual authority.
I once received a letter from a wife who wrote, "I've made a terrible mistake. I tried to be submissive
to my husband, but he wouldn't take the leadership. Little by little I took it over, and now I'm
dominating and he will never take the leadership. How do I get myself out of this mess?"
The answer is, go back to being submissive. Force the issue. If he doesn't give you leadership to
submit to, submit to the things you think he would like. Put yourself in the proper biblical role, and stay
out of his. Then encourage him, pray for him, and support him as head of your home in every way
you can. Above all, refuse to take dominant leadership of the family. Be obedient to the biblical
pattern. Make suggestions and steer him quietly when absolutely necessary, but leave gaps for him
to step into.
First Peter 3:1-2 says, "Wives, likewise, be submissive to your own husbands, that even if some do
not obey the word, they, without a word, may be won by the conduct of their wives, when they
observe your chaste conduct accompanied by fear." Again, the word translated "submissive" there is
the Greek word hupotasso. It describes the function, not the essence, of the wife's role. In other
words, while it is not saying that the wife's role is any less important than that of her husband, it is
affirming that in the plan of God, she is the one to submit, and he is the one to take the headship.
Notice, too, that Peter says even if the husband is disobedient to the Wordwhether he is a hostile
Christ rejector or a believer who simply fails to take the leadershipthe wife's response should still be
submission.
So the best way a wife can encourage a non-leading husband to take his role as head of the family is
simply to submit to him, pursue her role with greater determination and respect for him, and pray that
the effect of that will be to push him closer to fulfilling his role.
What about a woman who wants to work at home, but whose husband insists that she work in
an outside job?
There are many women who face the dilemma of having husbands who demand that they work
outside the home, although they themselves feel compelled by God to make the home the greater
priority. In such a case, there is a tension between two biblical principles-submission (Ephesians
5:22), and God's plan for wives (1 Timothy 5:14; Titus 2:4-5).
The first approach for such a woman is to pray, and then to share her conviction with her husband. In
a loving way, she should let him know how deeply her obedience to God matters. It may be, if money
is the issue, that she can find some creative way to earn money by work that can be done in the
home, or by limiting her outside working time to hours when the kids are in school. (The godly woman
mentioned in Proverbs 31 earned money through the work she did at home.) She may do a little study
for her husband on the actual financial benefits of her working. Many studies reveal that a working
wife often does not increase real spendable income at all, once child-care costs and other expenses
are figured into the equation.
If the husband still insists that she work outside the home, she should obey him in a spirit of
gentleness, and keep praying. She should lovingly keep him aware of the negative impact on their
relationship, the quality of the home, and the children's development. First Peter 3:1-6 gives added
insight into a delicate situation like this. There, the wife is instructed to demonstrate her submission to
God by submitting to the leadership of her husband, even if he is disobedient to the Word. Many
women do manage to submit to their husbands and work outside the home, yet simultaneously obey
God's Word by being a good keeper of the home between work hours. It's not easy, by any means,
but a resourceful woman can manage to do it. By her submission to the husband, that wife is also
submitting to the will of God. The Lord knows the circumstances, and He is able to work in the heart
of the husband to change it.
What are some practical ways husbands can love their wives?
It's interesting that Ephesians 5:25 commands hus-bands to love their wives. First, it demonstrates
that real love is not just a feeling that comes upon a personit is an act of the human will. If it were
not an act of the will, God would not command us to do it. Also, Paul doesn't say, "Rule your wives."
There is a headship and one who follows, but the husband's perspective of his role should be focused
not on the aspect of his authority, but on the aspect of sacrificial love for his wife.
Even more interesting than the command itself, though, is the standard of love that is set before
husbands. The verse says, "Love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself
for her." It is the most selfless, giving, caring kind of love conceivable to the human mind. There is no
room in this kind of love for lording it over the wife, or selfishly dominating the family.
Peter describes the husband's love for his wife: "Husbands, likewise, dwell with them with
understanding, giving honor to the wife, as to the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the
grace of life, that your prayers may not be hindered" (1 Peter 3:7). I see three key concepts in that
verse.
The first is consideration. We are to live with our wives "in an understanding way." We must be
sensitive, understanding, and considerate. The counseling staff in our ministry is familiar with all
these com-plaints from unhappy wives: "He never understands me." "He doesn't know where I'm at."
"He's insensitive to my needs." "We never talk." "He doesn't comprehend my hurts." "He speaks
unkindly to me." "He doesn't treat me with love," and so on. Those women are saying that their
husbands are inconsiderateconcerned more with what they get out of marriage than with what they
give to it.
A second way of showing love to your wife is through chivalry. Remember, husband, your wife is a
weaker vessel. A major part of your headship is your responsibility to protect her, care for her, and
give yourself for her. This kind of caring, giving attitude can be expressed in many ways, often
through seemingly insignificant gestures that nevertheless speak volumes to your wife about your
love for her. You can open the car door for her, instead of backing down the driveway while she's still
got one foot hanging out the door. Or simply bring her flowers. Small, frequent expressions of care
mean more to a wife than a once-a-year special treatment on your anniversary.
Finally, husbands can show love to their wives by communion together. Notice, again, how Peter
calls husbands and wives "heirs together of the grace of life." Marriage, more than any other kind of
human institution, is designed to be a close partnershipa uniting of two into one. The fellowship of a
married couple, then, needs to be as deeply intimate as it can be. And that is something that needs to
be pursued with diligence; it requires a special effort. Husbands, commune with your wives. Talk to
them. Share your spiritual lives together.
information. Whatever he's going to know must be taught to him. He doesn't know what is right and
wrong; he doesn't know the right foods to eat; he doesn't know what not to put into his mouth; and he
doesn't even have enough sense to stay out of the street. All those things must be taught, and
childhood is a time for learning them.
Children also lack in the area of physical maturity. They are born weak and unable to support
them-selves. It is a long process as they gain strength and coordination. At first they must be fed,
changed, and burped. They can't fend for themselves or make it in the world alone. It is their parents'
responsibility to protect them.
Children lack social maturity. The most dominant thing you notice about a child when he comes into
the world is that he is totally selfish. He wants what he wants immediately, and he thinks everything in
reach belongs to him. It is difficult to teach a child how to share, what to say at appropriate times, and
how to be humble. None of those things come naturally to any child.
Finally, children need spiritual maturity. A child doesn't naturally grow to love God. Scripture suggests
that even little children do have some innate knowledge of God (Romans 1:19), but without proper
instruction, they will drift away. Their own depravity will draw them away. It is the parents'
responsibility to steer them the right direction. Proverbs 22:6 says, "Train up a child in the way he
should go, even when he is old he will not depart from it." Obedience on the part of the child is the
tool that brings him to maturity in all the proper ways.
How can parents know the right way to bring up their children?
Ephesians 6:4 says, "And you, fathers, do not provoke your children to wrath, but bring them up in the
training and admonition of the Lord." The mistake too many parents make is that they think godly
training will happen by itself in a Christian family. It won't. Par-ents are to lead by example, carefully
and in a planned way. Their responsibilities include training, instruct-ing, nurturing, and disciplining
their children accord-ing to the way of the Lord, while at the same time not goading their children to
anger.
Parents are the key to each child's spiritual growth. Every person is born with a bent to sin, and
depravity will take over, unless its grip on a child is broken by regeneration. The child must be "born
again, not of corruptible seed but incorruptible, through the word of God which lives and abides
forever" (1 Peter 1:23). Scripture's instructions to parents suggest that the best environment in which
to nurture the seed of God's Word for our children is in a loving environment of discipline.
In a study conducted several years ago, sociologists Sheldon and Eleanor Glueck of Harvard
University identified several crucial factors in the development of juvenile delinquency. They created a
test that can, with about 90 percent accuracy, predict future delinquency of children 5-6 years old.
They listed four necessary factors in preventing juvenile delinquency. First, the father's discipline
must be firm, fair, and consistent. Second, the mother must know where her children are and what
they are doing at all times, and be with them as much as possible. Third, the children need to see
affection demonstrated between their parents, and from their parents to them. And fourth, the family
must spend time together as a unit.
Similar studies suggest that right parent-child relationships normally occur in contexts where the
parents genuinely love one another, where discipline is consistent, where the child senses that he or
she is loved, where the parents set a positive moral and spiritual example, and where there is a father
who leads the family.
The bottom line is this: the example you live out before your children is what most affects them. Many
parents make the mistake of being overly concerned about how they are perceived in the church and
in the community, while completely disregarding the way they live before their children. Nothing
makes the truth more distasteful to a child than to have a hypocritical or spiritually shallow parent who
affirms the truth publicly but denies it in the home.
Parents, ours is a solemn and awesome responsibility, but it's also a wonderful privilege. One of the
most fulfilling experiences in all the world is to have children committed to following the Lord no
matter what the cost, because they have seen the same commitment in us.
Marriage for two Christians is first of all a commitment to Jesus Christ and then to each other. Satan
loves to destroy marriages, and the best insulation against his attacks is a deep, profound, mutually
shared relationship with Jesus Christ and a commitment to obedience of God's Word. In the presence
of that kind of commitment, I don't believe a marriage can fail.
But to expand on that, here are two principles that strengthen a marriage. First, concentrate on being
who you should be on the inside, not just on what you say, what you have, or even how you look
externally. Peter gives this principle to wives in 1 Peter 3:3-4, but it surely applies to husbands as
well: "Do not let your adornment be merely outward; arranging the hair, wearing gold, or putting on
fine apparel; rather let it be the hidden person of the heart, with the incorruptible beauty of a gentle
and quiet spirit, which is very precious in the sight of God."
Everything you own will decay. Even the way you look continues to deteriorate with age. But "the
hidden person of the heart" matures, develops, and grows more beautiful as we become more and
more like Christ. If that's where the focus of your marriage is, your love for one another will grow
stronger, too.
A second principle is this: concentrate on learning who your spouse is. I have counseled many people
whose marriages were faltering simply because they had never taken time to get to know each other.
It's important to realize that no person, and no marriage, is perfect. If you're clinging in frustration to
an ideal of what you want your spouse to be like, you are hurting your marriage. Abandon your idea
of the perfect mate, and begin learning to understand and love the one you have. Live with your
partner "with understanding" (1 Peter 3:7).
It is significant that Paul commands husbands to love their wives (Ephesians 5:25), and wives to love
their husbands (Titus 2:4). The point is that no matter whom you are married to, you can learn to love
your spouse. The prevailing wind of contemporary thinking seems to be that love is simply something
that just happensit comes and goes. And when it's gone, people get divorced. How foreign that is to
the idea of Scripture, which does not recognize even the possibility of incompatibility between two
marriage partners! God simply commands husbands and wives to love each other. The feelings of
initial attractionthe high-intensity impulseswill diminish in all marriages. But when commitment is
cultivated, the reward of lifelong, loving friendship and fulfillment is far more satisfying.
Remember, the essence of marriage is that two people become one flesh. And one is the indivisible
number. In Matthew 19:5 Jesus quoted Genesis 2:24: "Therefore a man shall leave his father and
mother and be joined to his wife, and they shall become one flesh." The Hebrew word translated "be
joined" refers to an unbreakable bond. At the same time it is an active verb that carries the idea of
pursuing hard after something. It indicates that marriage is meant to be two people diligently and
utterly committed to pursuing one another in love, bonded in an insoluble union of mind, will, spirit,
and emotion.
In verse 6 Jesus went on to say, "What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate."
Every marriagewhether it is a Christian union or a pagan one, whether it was entered into
according to the will of God or notis a miraculous work of God, and if you tamper with that union,
you are undermining the work of God.
Every family rests on that basic truth, and the success of the family as a whole rises or falls on the
couple's commitment to each other and to the permanence of the union.
The family is so important in the plan of God! He wants to make our families all they can beand the
success of the family should be a priority for every Christian. We cannot allow the world to press us
into its mold of divorce, division, delinquency, and all that goes with the failure of the family. If
Christians don't have families that stay together, children who are raised in the nurture and
admonition of the Lord, parents who love each other, and homes that are centered on Christ, we can
never reach the world with the gospel. On the other hand, if we cultivate those things, and pursue
them wholeheartedly, the world will sit up and take notice of usand of our Christ.