Risus - Adv A Kringle in Time

A Kringle
h
in Time
d
I have endeavoured in this Ghostly little book, to raise the Ghost of an Idea, which
shall not put my readers out of humour with themselves, with each other, with the sea-
son, or with me. May it haunt their houses pleasantly, and no one wish to lay it.
– Charles Dickens
S. John Ross
Writing, Design, Cartography,
Production & Illustration
Santa Claus
Technical Consultant
With Special Thanks

... to Robin Jenkins and Spike Y. Jones, for being Kringle’s
editorial shepherds, abiding their flock by night
Dedicated
... To Sam Ross, my Dad, who likes to pretend he doesn’t
care much about the holidays. Love you, Pop.
Playtest & Useful Commentary: Paul Blotkamp,

Timothy O. Driscoll, Barb Fischer, Brian Flanagan, Vanora
Hagen, Guy Hoyle, Dave Insel, Ken “Muscles” Johnson,
Tim Kirk, Shawn Lockard, Doug Milewski, Rob Perkins, Paul
Reed, Cody Reichenau, and Sandra Ross. Additional proof-
reading assistance by Cody Reichenau and Demian Katz.
Copyright © 2003 by S. John Ross. Risus: The Anything

RPG, Cumberland Games & Diversions, and all identifying
images and logos are trademarks of S. John Ross. For more
cool Risus stuff (including secret freebies not found on the
regular homepage) join the Risus Mailing List.
Allergen Alert: the Kringle in Time playtest process involved
snack foods that may have included peanuts, wheat, soy and
dairy products. Cease play immediately if symptoms manifest.
Creativity, Unbound
Contents
CONTENTS 2 Second Bite: Christmas Present . . . . . . . . . . . . . .35
Third Time’s the Charm: Christmas Future . . . . . .37
A CHRISTMAS STORY 3
Peace On Earth . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .38
GETTING STARTED 5 Journey to Loch Noël . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .38
Deadly Combat . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .7 Loch Noël Map Key . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .39
Swing Combat . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .7 Miles to Go Before They Sleep . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .40
CHAPTER ONE: THERE It Came Upona Midnight Clear . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .40
AROSE SUCH A CLATTER 8 In Fields Where They Lay . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .42
A Sudden Noise . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .9 CHAPTER FOUR: AWAY IN A MANGER 43
What To My Wondering Eyes Should Appear . . . . .11 Risus Makes Baby Jesus Cry . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .43
If Every Day Were Just Like Christmas . . . . . . . . . .12 Hero Worship . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .44
Of Course They Will . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .13 Entering The City . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .45
CHAPTER TWO: DEBACLE Heribab’s Smocks And Shrouds . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .45
ON 34TH STREET 14 The Risus Guide to Biblical Jerusalem . . . . . . . . . . .46
A Sleigh Ride Together With You . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .15 Exploring Jerusalem . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .48
Philo Hackdream: Santa Hunter . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .17 Good Morning, Angels . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .49
Talking With Philo . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .17 That You, Santy Claus? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .49
“Slay Bells Ring – Are You Listenin’?” . . . . . . . . . . .18 Gold, Frankincense, and More . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .49
Freakish Bohemian Christmas Party . . . . . . . . . . . .19 Baana The Shirt-Monger . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .50
Philo’s Got A Secret . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .20 Jumping the Gun on Jesus . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .50
Keller’s Department Store . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .21 King Herod’s Chamber . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .50
Santa’s Head-Patting Throne . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .22 Angels Bending Near the Earth . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .52
The Part Where the Store A Sudden Rescue . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .53
Becomes a Dungeon Module . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .22 Secret Catacombs Smell Like Baking Bread . . . . . .53
Map Key: Ground Floor . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .23 Lair of the Rib Cultists . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .54
Map Key: Typical Shopping Level . . . . . . . . . . . .25 In Thy Dark Streets Shineth … . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .56
Map Key: The 39th Floor . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .25 Building Your Nativity Scene . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .58
Map Key: The 40th Floor . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .27
CHAPTER FIVE: DASH AWAY,
The Big Climactic Gloating and Fighting Scene . . . .28
DASH AWAY, DASH AWAY ALL! 59
CHAPTER THREE: GOD We Got Upsot . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .61
BLESS US, EVERY ONE 30 The Horrors of War . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .61
Scrooge’s House . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .31 Samantha’s Cottage . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .63
Map Key . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .32 Right Down Santa Claus Lane . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .64
What’s Going On? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .33 Warehouse Five . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .65
Here We Are As In Olden Days . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .34 War Toy Factory “X” . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .67
First Bite: Christmas Past . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .34 Kringlegard: The Terrible Fortress of St. Nick . . . . . .68
Lovely, Dark and Deep . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .69
If You Should Go Skating … . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .70
Pulling the Plug . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .72
Santa’s Sanctum . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .74
Rein·Deer Games . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .74
Holly Jolly Dénouement . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .76
2
Table of Contents
A Christmas Story
I
T WAS ABOUT TWELVE YEARS ago, and it
was the first Christmas after I’d begun work on
g
A Kringle in Time. I was single in those days,
which isn’t nearly as good as being married but had
b
its charms. That year, the charms included a wild lit-
tle thing named (or, perhaps, not named) Melina. A
mutual friend who took naughty photographs pro-
fessionally introduced us; he and Melina had a busi-
ness relationship.
Like just about any relationship at that age, it was
a pretty dumb idea that was fun enough that – for a v1.22
f
while anyway – we didn’t care how dumb it was. It
was Christmastime in Virginia, in a town that takes
pride in its Colonial heritage, complete with a really
beautifully complete approach to the holidays. There ABOUT THE AUTHOR
was snow and there were lights and there were more
S. John Ross has been a Game Master since
pine boughs and pinecones and holly whatsits than 1984 and game writer since 1990. His works
h j
anyone could take in at once. include the Points in Space series, Risus: The
Melina and I were at the local shopping mall that Anything RPG, the Pokéthulhu Adventure
day, doing Melina-style things, which meant shoplift- Game, GURPS Russia, GURPS Warehouse
ing Play-Doh from the toy stores. Melina was a thief 23, Weirder Tales: A Space Opera, Feast of
and an exhibitionist and wicked in many other nice Blades (the In Nomine GM’s Kit), Among
ways, so it was a fun contrast in an environment of the Clans: The Andorians, Uresia: Grave of
plastic-sheet snowscapes and the electric grinding Heaven, the Star Trek RPG Narrator’s
noise of mechanical elves. Toolkit, and the creation of Sparks paper
miniatures. As a contributor, his work has
i
There is a cliché on television that says that appeared in other supplements for the lines
department store Santas often fail to show up for mentioned above, as well as the Flying
work, leaving the harried staff to hunt for an emer- Buffalo’s CityBook series, White Wolf’s Mage:
gency replacement Santa to talk to the kiddies and The Ascension line, and numerous periodicals,
hand out candy and pose for Polaroids. That including Dragon, White Wolf, Star Wars Gamer,
Christmas, that magical Christmas, that cliché visited Autoduel Quarterly, and Pyramid (where he
our little shopping mall at precisely the time Melina served a brief stint as Editor). His homepage,
and I were passing the Santa station. Melina noticed, The Blue Room, includes the Big List of RPG
and Melina’s eyes lit up with a flame from the pit of Plots, one of the most linked-to gaming tools
e
on the World Wide Web. He recently celebrated
whatever dimension of sin she served. She whispered
his seventh wedding anniversary to the cutest
something in my ear, and some of it involved a plead-
Newfie in the world.
ing request. Oh, would I? Would I please be Santa?
Not only did the staff eagerly accept me (I was the
only volunteer) but they accepted Melina as a kind of
“Santa’s Helper” character. They provided her with a
checkered apron and a green elf hat. Again, it was a
study in contrasts, since she was wearing shiny black
pants so tight they were really just a new skin color
w w w. c u m b e r l a n d g a m e s . c o m
with a belt.
3
Dum, De-Dum, Delightful
Risus: A Kringle in Time
4
Things weren’t going to be so easy for me. I was But I’ve left Melina out of the story for a while.
ushered discreetly into the private concrete back-halls Shame on me, for Melina got me into that suit and
of the shopping mall where I was provided with extra she was determined to have some fun with the situa-
padding, a massive fake beard, the boots and the tion beyond just seeing me play Santa for her
coat and the trousers and the rest of it. Everywhere I amusement. At every opportunity, she got
walked I was surrounded by the mall’s answer to the close, whispering to me and reminding me of
Secret Service, and as we strode out into the what she was wearing that wasn’t an
public concourse again I felt like some kind of apron, and what she wasn’t wearing.
overprotected rock star on the way to the There is another rule about being
stage. Santa Claus, and it involves having a
The children cheered when they saw me, soft lap to sit on with no questionable
and that was one of many lessons I’d learn unevenness in the surface. Melina
that evening. Whatever there may be to hated rules. There is no moral (or indeed,
Christmas Magic, people do love an icon morality) to this story, though as you read
and, for a moment, there I was being iconic. and play A Kringle in Time you’ll come to
Another pleasant lesson involved just appreciate why I’ve included it.
how many of the children asked for tradi- As a postscript, a few weeks later, just a
tional toys. I was expecting a litany of day or three before Christmas, I was load-
brand-name trademarks and video-game ing up at a salad bar when a woman I did-
machines, but more than half of the kids n’t recognize just started staring at me and
asked for toys along the lines of a toy gun or a smiling. “Santa!” she said. “It’s Santa
wagon or a train set or a dolly or a teddy bear. Claus!”
That really affected me; it was an absolute sur- I blinked a lot. “Yes? Okay. Yeah.”
prise and it made me realize that I had allowed She had recognized my laugh. She
a film of cynicism to cloud a holiday that I really told me that the photograph they had of me
truly love. and her children would be a treasured family
A less pleasant lesson happened when photo, always. I was the best Santa she’d ever
I got thirsty. I lifted the fake beard to drink seen, she said. And then I remembered all
and three of the Mall Secret Service peo- those hundreds of Polaroids from
ple all but tackled me to the that day, and it hit me that there I
ground. There is a rule about I think some of the Mall Elves
was, in family photo albums all
being Santa Claus, and it’s a very noticed what Melina was up to.
over town.
serious rule: When you’re Santa It’s a kind of Rock Star
Claus you’re Santa Claus. The children must never Meaning of Christmas, but it felt pretty good anyway.
see you as anything else. Melina and I broke up when she had that idea
There was, too, the little girl who was terrified of about the car battery. But I wish her (wherever she is)
me, and screamed and screamed incessantly until her and those kids with the train sets and wagons and
father told her it was time to take the picture. She dolls, and the Mall Secret Service, and my adorable
immediately stopped screaming, smiled sweetly for wife who’s very generous in allowing me to recount
the camera, and waited for the snaps. When the pic- this story, a very Merry Christmas indeed.
tures were done, she immediately resumed scream-
ing. When we were done, she stopped screaming
long enough to accept the prefab bag of candy and
small Taiwanese plastic toys, gave me an equally
sweet “Thank you!” and then wandered off happy.
That girl has a future or (since this is twelve years
later) a present. S. John Ross
Thanksgiving Weekend, 2004
Austin, Texas
4
Loo-Loo Loo, Loo-Loo Loo Loo
Getting Started
T
O USE A BEWHISKERED CLICHÉ, the holi- ADVENTURES ON RISUS EARTH: THE
day season means a lot of things to a lot of LITTLEST WORLDBOOK
people. For some, it’s the pristine beauty of a
This adventure takes place in the Risusiverse [ree-
snow-crusted country evening, warmed by a comfort- SUSS-ih-verss], specifically on Risus Earth. The fea-
able helping of mulled wine. For others, it’s the rat- tures of Risus Earth are as follows:
race of an adrenaline-charged City Christmas, with
eager shoppers in search of unique playthings to give It’s just like modern-day Earth …
a
to each other. To many, it means placing familiar … Except all genres are true. None are particularly
objects lovingly on a tree, and gathering with family dominant, though, so on many days they just cancel
to forget the worries of an ailing world for a few days. each other out and life takes on a convincing sem-
blance of normalcy. This makes most peo-
Christmas is not – traditionally – a time of high
ple pretty nervous.
adventure and danger.
But there was a Christmas (not too long ago) While the superheroes
c
when something extraordinary happened. When a and mad scientists and
zombies and things
handful of people came face to face with the magic of are clearly fallout
Christmas. They knew that this was the true magic of from the truth of all
Christmas, so they killed it. This is their tale. genres, there are
Or rather, it’s yours. For, like any legend, this occasional deviations
from the real world
Christmas story has thus far been more about the that can’t be blamed
truth than the facts, so there are many questions left on any genre in par-
unanswered. Who were these people, called upon to ticular. For example,
save Christmas? Did they really pull it off? Was there Vaduz Castle, Liechtenstein,
b
is nineteen inches taller than
sex? Were there Vikings?
in the real world, affording a
To find the answers, a little exploring is called for marginally more magnificent view of the Rhine.
– a journey that puts a bullet into every Christmas
icon that we hold dear. And you just might find that What this means is: every movie, play, video game
(etcetera) that takes place in some version of the
you learn the true meaning of Christmas along the modern world is a depiction of Risus Earth. Those
way. You’ve been warned. that take place in the past or future are depictions of
This is an adventure about saving Christmas from Risus Earth as it once was, or as it will be. Those
ancient evil. This is an adventure about murdering
Santa Claus for his own good (seven times). This is
an adventure about shopping,
and family, and eggnog, and
h
that don’t take place on Earth at all depict other
worlds in the Risus Galaxy or the Risus
Dimensions. Similarly, every book at your local
library or bookstore is a sourcebook providing more
information on the Risusiverse.
f
Jesus Christ, who appears

Be cautioned that many scholars, journalists, novel-
here courtesy of the Almighty ists, scientists, filmmakers and historians have no for-
God, along with his robot mal training as RPG engineers and can’t be trusted
duplicate. This is an adventure on important matters of accuracy or game balance.
about the stress of fast-food Use your best judgment and, if in doubt, ask your
Game Master.
employment, the grandeur
of world-domination plans, Those responsible for depictions of the Risusiverse
the difficulty of pronounc- should please remit royalties to Cumberland Games
ing things in Welsh, and & Diversions. Many of you are long overdue on your
payments. I’m looking at you, Ovid.
about toys nobody wants.
5
Introduction
6
This is an adventure about cannibalism and about

rotting corpses, but probably not at the same time.
What all this means is: this Risus adventure has
been carefully crafted to fit seamlessly into your exist-
ing Risus: The Anything RPG campaign, even if
it’s very serious. Especially if it’s very serious. If
you’re running an especially serious Risus cam-
paign, you need this adventure more than you prob-
ably know. Wherever the PCs are, whomever the
PCs are, whatever the PCs are, Santa’s magic rein-
deer will seek them out, having decided that they
and they alone are the perfect band of adventurers to
save Christmas. And then it’s the proverbial romp
through space and time. You know the proverbs of
which I speak, I’m sure.
To keep the text uncluttered, I’ll be writing the
adventure to begin (and, if things go well, conclude)
at an ordinary bar & grill called Antonio’s, tucked into
an ordinary city on Risus Earth (see page 5).
If you’re using this adventure with an established
campaign, just move those parts of the adventure to
the group’s ordinary haunt. If they hang out, instead, If you’re running this adventure as a standalone
at a fantasy tavern with lusty bar-wenches, start it campaign, you can start it anywhere you feel like, to
there. If they hang out at a seedy spaceport terminal, suggest whatever kind of Player Characters you’d
start it there instead. If the PCs are all senior citizens enjoy seeing your players enjoy. If you think this
stuck in an assisted-living community, start it in the adventure would be fun for a party of Caribbean
cafeteria or the day room. If the PCs are a group of pirates, tell the players they’re starting in a bar in
costumed superheroes, start it in the executive snack Tortuga in the 17th century. If you think a group of
lounge of their superteam headquarters. If the PCs Mafia wiseguys would be better at saving Christmas,
are a group of costumed superheroes who can’t afford start the adventure in a strip club or a small Italian
an executive snack lounge, maybe it’s high time they restaurant. Adventuring ninja? Ninja bar. Flinds? Flind
considered switching sides and becoming supervil- bar. A menagerie of wizard’s familiars? Again, a strip
lains. If the PCs seem to live in a world without club or a small Italian restaurant.
Christmas … well, that’s about to change, at least as Or: just stick with what’s here, tell the players to
far as they’re concerned. make whatever they want, and see what they come
up with. Adapting the prologue will be pretty easy
either way.
NPC STATS Standard (10-dice) Risus characters (with or with-
out a little prior campaign experience under their
The stats for important NPCs appear in sidebars
belts) are best. Use any Risus optional rules and vari-
a
throughout the adventure, but lots of NPCs don’t get
specific stats (those that aren’t likely to stray beyond ants (your own or from the exceedingly groovy Risus
a single scene or that aren’t worth their own spiffy Companion) your group enjoys; the adventure
snowflake background). When that’s the case, they requires no variants but welcomes all of them with
i
have the cliché “Just Some Regular Schmuck” at open arms. Since this adventure includes a fair
either (2) or (3), depending on how impressive a
schmuck you feel that they should be. Particularly
amount of old-fashioned deadly mayhem, the Deadly
well-rounded schmucks also have a second cliché, Combat option, in particular, might be a good choice
“Schmuck With a Hobby” at either (1) or (2). (so much so that I’ve included it on the next page for
those without access to the Companion).
6
Introduction
7
Deadly Combat When combining this option with Boxcars &

Breakthroughs (see the Risus Companion), break-
through rolls don’t apply to combat.
Risus assumes that combat isn’t automatically -
Be warned that this rule dramatically softens the
or even ordinarily - deadly. A lot of Risus combats
difference between cliché levels, so far as combat is
don’t even involve physical forces; they’re psychologi-
concerned, diluting some of the “may the best man
cal, social, abstract, even artistic. But the same
win” nature usually central to the game. Without it, a
assumption carries over to physical fight scenes: If two
Grim Vigilante (5) is basically certain of defeating any
men duel with swords, the winner can “win” by dis-
foe with a single cliché rated at (3) or lower - and sel-
arming his opponent and dropping his trousers to
dom breaks a sweat beating down one rated at (4).
embarrass him. In a gunfight, the defeated party may
With this option in play, he still has an edge, but he
be out of ammo and caught reloading, with a pistol
has to really fight to win. This option isn’t necessary
barrel shoved against his temple. In a dogfight
for comedic Risus games (where losing is just as fun
between World War I flying aces, the Red Baron can
as winning, and where death is rare or desirably
line Snoopy up for the kill but then - sportingly -
funny) but it works fine for them, too. It’s ideal for
spare his life because this is the Christmas version of
those “serious adventure Risus” moods that strike
the song. Use this option for campaigns where none
now and then without warning, creating a more sport-
of the above is really true, for games where the Risus
ing playing field when the loser is more
approach to combat is presented in a more traditional
likely to be killed than left counting stars
mode, and where a fight is - more often than not -
and tweety-birds.
settled by serious or even deadly wounds. With the
Deadly Combat option in play, the following rules
changes apply: Swing Combat
a Best of Set: Determine the winner This is a good way to handle “swash-
of a combat round by comparing buckling” cinematic play. Every combat
the single highest die rolled is either Deadly or Not Deadly, from the
instead of the total. If Gladiator beginning. The aggressor nor-
Rex rolls 4 dice for a 2, 1, 3, and mally determines which. When
6, he’ll win the round against Gladiator in doubt, the Game Master
Joe who rolled a 3, a 4, and a pair of decides. “Deadly” combats use
5’s. Joe rolled the higher the rules for the Deadly Combat option.
total, but Rex had the sin- “Not Deadly” combats use the regular
gle highest die. Risus rules.
Once committed to battle, the win-
a The Goliath Rule: If the ner is more limited in his “choice of
combatants each score the same high die, the spoils.” In a deadly combat, the losers
combatant who rolled the fewest dice is the win- must be injured to a degree appropri-
ner. Only if they rolled the same number of dice ate to the weapons involved - not neces-
is a tie really a tie. This depends on the actual sarily killed, but definitely shot,
number of dice rolled - not the size of each foe’s stabbed, beaten, burned, lased,
cliché when perfectly healthy. phased, disrupted, spaced, blown up,
a Smells Like Team Spirit: When PCs attack as broken, run over, frozen, hacked, julienned, punc-
a team, everybody’s dice count for determining tured, lacerated, etc. as appropriate for the arma-
the single highest die (not just sixes) - but only the ments applied to their person. By contrast, the winner
leader’s dice are counted for the Goliath Rule. of a “Not Deadly” combat must be sporting. He can’t
kill his foes or seriously hurt them (a few bruises or
There are no alterations beyond the three listed inconsequential flesh wounds are fine), but must
(the winner still determines the fate of the loser, for defeat them in some other, more inventive and amus-
example, so combat isn’t required to be deadly). ing, fashion.
7
Chapter One: There
Arose Such A Clatter
A
bet about stabbing between your fingers. Since every-
NTONIO’S BAR & GRILL IS a dull affair to
body wants cheap beer, good pizza, the occasional
look at, but the pizza is good and the beer is
fried eggplant sub and a place to feel at home, every-
cheap. It’s tucked away down an unremark-
body gets along, most of the time.
able alley in the unglamorous rainy streets of the
cheaper part of town. We don’t remember which They get along especially well when Antonio
town – it isn’t very important, anyway. It’s last year – decides to throw a Christmas party, and every 365
or maybe the year before that – and it’s Christmas days or so, Maria (that’s Antonio’s assistant barkeep)
Eve. Antonio is holding a party. Outside, the rain is pulls out a huge dusty box and decks Antonio’s halls
turning to sleet. for all they’re worth. Garland is hung over the stuffed
jackalope heads that adorn the walls, fake snow is
The clientele at Antonio’s isn’t swank – a mix of
sprayed on the windowsills, the windows, on the
construction workers, bored middle-aged business-
tables, the floors, the bartop, and often Antonio’s
men, hoodlums, gangsters, soldiers of fortune, and
armpits. The ceiling is dotted with mistletoe, and the
other rough company. Contract laborers mingle with
stage (Antonio gets live bands in on weekends)
contract killers and share clouds of beer breath, cheer-
becomes overflowing with a gigantic scotch pine, itself
ing at the touchdowns and whistling at the girls in the
overflowing with lights, ornaments, and tinsel.
rock videos. It’s the kind of bar where people do that
Tacky, some say. But not to Maria’s face. She’s
sweet provided she isn’t angered.
This very night is the climax of it all: the
Christmas Eve Bash. Our Heroes have already
arrived, settled into some good times and hard drinks.
The hour is getting late, and Maria’s dipping into
Antonio’s custom eggnog, which is even now over-
flowing in the punchbowls. She’s weaving through the
ANTONIO
g
Description: The owner and usual barkeep at

Antonio’s Bar and Grill. He’s an affable guy, pretty
young for a business owner, and pretty unlikely to
engage in any combat that doesn’t involve drinking
contests, pitching pennies, or spitting distances. He
loves to have a good time and enjoys pretty much
anything that doesn’t require math. He’s a guitarist
when nobody’s around, which is to say that when he
hauls out his guitar, people suddenly remember how
late it is.
Antonio as he’d like to be remembered if the PCs
do something violent that results in his death. At
c
Clichés: Fun-Loving Bartender (3), Businessman (1),
Master Chef (1), Romeo (1), Wannabe Rock Star (1),
the moment, he’s considering that possibility. Pervy Tree-Fancier (1)
8
Chapter 1: There Arose Such a Clatter
9
to the World, but seem to have managed a compro-

MARIA mise. Soon, Antonio will start doing his embarrassing
trick with the Christmas tree, at which point people
g
Description: Antonio’s chief assistant barkeep,
Maria’s tough, smart, witty and capable. She flirts
playfully, but she has no patience for artless lechers
with wandering paws and no useful dialogue. The
will start making excuses to go home.
After you’ve set a scene of quiet pathos, shout
“Suddenly…!” in a deep and ominous voice. Then
bar is an excuse for Antonio to pretend he’s 22 years
old forever, but thanks to Maria it’s also a successful, read the following Groovy Boxed Text aloud:
stable business.
l
Clichés: Fun-Loving Bartender (3), The One Around
Here Who Can Actually Do Stuff (3), Every
There is a loud THUMP.
Drunkard’s Bashful Crush (3) There is another loud THUMP.
The bar falls silent, and several of the local

thugs draw weapons. The clicks of safeties
crowd in a manner which can only be described as
being disengaged form a collective and menac-
“bebopping,” passing out red hats to the customers,
ing crackle. A regular pattern of clicking and a
flirting with the cute ones, pushing the older and
series of THUMPS! can be heard from above,
drunker ones away.
on the roof. A scratching noise emanates from
A Sudden Noise the huge brick fireplace. Small fragments of

soot fall into the fire, which immediately extin-
guishes itself with a magical sparkle. Every gun
After a while, the party will die down, and the in Antonio’s clusters together, aimed at the
evening turns mellow, with sodden carols sung by hearth.
sodden carolers. The gigantic pizza in the shape of a
holly wreath is all but gone, with Maria picking listless-
ly at a stray pepperoni while she listens politely to a
Check to see if the PCs are doing anything inter-
customer sobbing into his beer about how irritating
esting at this point. If they run outside to check the
his mistresses are. In the corner, a beagle is stoned
roof, they can make out very little; the sleet has
hard on root beer, and apparently believes he’s in
turned unexpectedly to heavy snowfall. If they draw
France in World War I. The regulars can’t decide if
their own weapons, that’s cool (even Antonio is going
they’re singing Hark, The Herald Angels Sing or Joy
for the shotgun he keeps under the till).
A dusty, sooty shape lowers itself clumsily into

the hearth – but it’s no human shape, no jolly
red-suited shape. Its legs end in cloven hooves,
and its massive body is covered with pale,
shaggy fur. The beast stands erect on two hind
legs, and stares at you with gigantic, glassy
eyes. Its head bears enormous antlers.
“Merry Christmas,” it says.
This is Dasher, the captain of the Claus Elite

Reindeer Team. He’ll say as much, while seven other
deer plop into the hearth and enter the room, stand-
ing behind their leader.
9
10
unremarkable (rear) alleyway
Storage stairs
Restrooms
pool table leading
(house game is down
nine-ball)
Kitchen
darts
Bar
fireplace
(Important)
Stage
(currently
filled w/tree) More darts
front (alleyway) entrance (Not important)
EXPANDING THE SCENE
c
Play up the Christmas-party atmosphere, and let the PCs do anything they feel like. Explore the comedic possibilities of
mistletoe, the fireplace (lit for the occasion), and stockings hung by the chimney with care (or, at least, with tacks). Go
j
around the table at least once to see how everyone spends time at the party. If you want to warm them up with a little
character-establishing action before the real adventure kicks in, try one of these on for size:
Get Your Paws Off: A surly local gets a little too drunk and starts pawing at Maria every time she passes. Maria’s a pro
at this sort of thing; she politely ignores him when possible, firmly but sweetly slaps his hand away otherwise. It doesn’t
ruffle her feathers; it’s old news. If any of the PCs are awash in chivalric testosterone, though, they might step in to make
it more trouble than it’s worth, sparking off a festive holiday brawl. Better still, any Romeos in the party might decide to
i e
look much more appealing compared to the drunkard, and engage him in a more genteel combat of comparative flirta-
tion. The Drunk has the effective clichés Surly Drunk (3) and Charming Man-About-Town (1). If backed into a corner, he’s
also a NASCAR Aficionado (2).
Caroling, Caroling: A group of Christmas carolers drops in to kick the snow from their boots and warm up with drinks.
They greet the bar with a song – but the PCs know that any singing in this bar is, by tradition, an invitation to a singing
contest. Remind the players of this solemn tradition. The entire bar will stand behind them, providing (useless, in game
terms) backup for the musical combat that ensues. The carolers are a Grunt-Squad with Tireless Bringers of Good Cheer
(5). If they defeat the PCs, they’ll reduce them all to tears with their gentle carol about the sympathies of Good King
a
Winceslas, and then slam them to the floor with the nostalgia of White Christmas.
The Thing in the Basement: Antonio crooks a finger at one or all of the PCs; he wants to speak privately. When he’s
sure that nobody’s looking, he’ll glance back at the storeroom. “I been hearin’ things downstairs today. Been afraid to go
down there … You’ve always seemed like the sort who wouldn’t be bothered by a little trouble. Check it out for me, and
I’ll do a round of drinks on the house. What do you say?” Maybe it’s just rats. Maybe it’s a teenage couple making out.
Maybe it’s a stray dog that squirmed in through the basement window to get out of the cold (now eager to follow a group
of PCs around). Maybe its 25 levels of dungeon-delving bliss with a beer motif … because there’s no bar anywhere that
doesn’t secretly have a dungeon adventure waiting right beneath it.
10
11
CAPTAIN DASHER, MAGIC REINDEER

Description: Dasher is the charismatic, easy-going
leader of Santa’s elite squad of Magic Reindeer. He’s
proud of his position, and is a good leader to the
l
rest of the team. They’ve all been doing this for
years, now, and Dasher is one of the most respected
citizens in the North Pole. With the party, he’s a
casual, competent NPC, always willing to dole out a
helpful bit of information or hedge the PCs in a
direction the GM wants them to go (or to spring into
action if needed). He’s cool and suave, in an edgy
sort of way, and heroic, as shaggy quadrupeds go.
a
He’s even something of a lady’s man.
Clichés: Christmas Icon (3), Action Hero (4), Beast of

Burden (4)
l
MAGIC REINDEER (THE OTHER SEVEN)

Description: Santa’s elite team of speed-demons, the
Magic reindeer are a strange and fun-loving lot.
Their turn-ons include vacuum cleaners, red flannel
What To My Wondering
Eyes Should Appear
a
and soft mints. Their turn-offs are bad breath and a
closed mind. Their ideal date would start off with a
quick flight over a frosty moon, and end up with a
long walk on the beach, just to talk. Use these stats Dasher, the lead Reindeer, casually tosses out a
for Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner pack of Camels and taps one free. He offers them
and Blitzen.
around to the PCs as well, and then goes the rounds
Clichés: Christmas Icon (3), Beast of Burden (4), Big with his lighter. After taking a few long, heavy drags
Fan of Dasher (3) on his cigarette (Reindeer have big lungs) he’ll crush it
out and exhale quietly. All of the weapons in bar will
slowly lower to sides or find holsters again, and the
GAMING IS EDUCATIONAL! people who had been so tensely aiming them will
start muttering in confusion. There is magic in the air,
l
The reindeer, rangifer tarandus, is also called a caribou.
Typical reindeer live in subarctic tundra regions,

despite Dasher’s apparent determination to ruin it by
instead of at the North Pole.
doing some kind of James Dean routine.
As you’ve guessed, the PCs have come face to
The color of a reindeer’s coat varies from chestnut- face with none other than (sing along) Dasher and
a
brown to snow-white by season and locale.

Dancer and Prancer and Vixen, Comet and Cupid
Male reindeer can weigh upwards of 700 pounds. and Donner and Blitzen – those very same “tiny
Reindeer” that pull Santa’s magic sleigh every
Reindeer enjoy guitars, long walks on the beach,
unfiltered cigarettes, and Snapple.
Christmas Eve. Your more alert players will probably
recall that this is Christmas Eve, and these Reindeer
There are very few beaches in the subarctic tundra are not currently pulling a sleigh, magical or other-
regions, so most reindeer live with the constant nag-
wise. They aren’t tiny, either.
ging sense that something important is missing from
“The sleigh’s on the roof,” they’ll say, if asked.
g
their lives.
“The whole ‘tiny’ thing’s a myth,” they’ll explain.
Some compensate by devoting themselves to orgias-
tic Satanic rituals and the Dark Arts. “Santa’s been split into avatars of evil and could-
n’t make it,” they’ll add, if the topic comes up. They’ll
Devil-possessed reindeer have brightly luminescent make sure that it does.
noses.
11
12
The Christmas job is a tough one. Santa Claus

SECRET STUFF FOR THE GM TO KNOW has the burden of keeping a naughty/nice morality
j
The Reindeer, Mrs. Claus and the Elf Rebellion are
the good guys. If you like making the PCs feel para-
noid, though, there will be plenty of other people
index on every person in the world (and on many
worlds the PCs may not be aware of). He also has to
distribute gifts accordingly. Production, research,
eager to stab them in the back soon enough.
transport, quality control, labor negotiations, insur-
Pervert Santa and Gluttonous Santa are on the mis- ance hassles … it’s a very high-stress position for one
sion in New York. They’re trying to undermine the man to handle, especially when he’s expected to stay
commercial side of Christmas by destroying the toy- jolly. It requires a lot of work, and (most importantly)
retail industry (using nuclear weaponry) and by giv-
Christmas Magic.
ing away any toys that survive the carnage.
Christmas Magic is the most powerful force for
d
Avaricious and Angry Santa are in Victorian London unselfish good in the universe. It comes from all cor-
and Wales, respectively. Their mission got complicat- ners of reality, and can take many forms. Santa’s job
ed when they weren’t getting along. Too complicated
to get into in this sidebar; see page 33. For now, rest is to direct it, to make it blanket everything in the holi-
secure in the knowledge that it involves black magic, day mood once a year. He is, in that capacity, some-
giant tentacular elder beings, and Ebenezer Scrooge. thing of a sorcerer, a white wizard of magnificent
power and almost holy responsibility.
c
Stuck-Up and Lazy Santa are teamed up in

Jerusalem in the time of King Herod (which is to say, Earlier this year, something went terribly wrong.
around the time Christ is due to be born in a Santa and his usual entourage (some Elves, small
manger in Bethlehem). It’s as bad as it sounds, and Disneyesque animals, animated gingerbread men and
probably worse, once you mix in the telepathic alien so on) descended into the top-secret Christmas Magic
weapons engineers and a conspiracy of cannibals
intending to make the baby Jesus into an entrée. Laboratory, clipboards in hand, to begin work on a
new project. Everyone seemed very excited.
Unbeknownst to the good guys, the busy little Someone in Santa’s organization had found a new
g
Clauses have already done some damage in other wrinkle, of sorts, in Christmas Magic. But the wrinkle
places and times, and the fabric of reality is already
beginning to unravel. Given the nature of Risus must have been dangerous, because there was a terri-
Earth, nobody’s noticed yet. ble explosion which reduced the laboratory complex
to a burning pile of ginger-snaps (a typical North Pole
Envious Santa is the boss Santa, but he’s the pawn building material).
of something even more sinister.
Dasher (after crushing out his cigarette and order-

ing a Heineken) will recount all of the parts of the
story that he can remember, occasionally glaring at
one of the other reindeer when they interrupt.
If Every Day Were Just

Like Christmas
The North Pole is a beautiful place, a magical
realm of peppermint stuff and sugarplum thingama-
jigs. Happy Elves spend the days in the workshops
making toys for all the good little boys and girls.
Santa and Mrs. Claus are loved and respected by all.
Santa manages the toyworks, and Mrs. Claus makes
cookies for the Elves. It’s a great place to live. Or at
It doesn’t matter where you leave the tip;
least, it was.
Antonio is not a proud man.
12
13
Gluttonous, Perverted, Greedy, Angry, Lazy, and

MISSION DETAILS Stuck-Up! They immediately began to change things,
Dasher knows all the important details of the task set and spoke of a Master Plan to take over the world for
before the PCs, but he won’t spill it all at once in themselves! Envious Santa wanted
bland exposition unless the PCs request it. He’ll focus Christmas to be all his, the
on the most important and immediate matter – that Santa Claus holiday. The oth-
two of the meddling Santas are working wickedness
in New York City. He’ll push for an immediate trip to ers seemed to like the idea.
the Big Apple to hunt them down, and reveal the rest Setting immediately to
as questions (or questionable tactics) arise: work, the new Santas trans-
formed the North Pole into an
icy prison camp, devoid of
Why Not Just Go to the North Pole and
g
cheerful music and blinking lights.
Kill the Leader? Drawing on the Dark Side of Christmas Magic (it, too,
Santa’s power is spread among multiple points in is like duct tape), they constructed a vast fortress, and
space-time. If the PCs simply kill Envy, the others the Elves were put to work in its dungeons. Mrs.
could go into hiding and ruin Christmas for years. Claus, the Reindeer team, and several Elves have
Furthermore, the core spirit of Santa – the essence of managed to escape in the last month or so, to form a
his charismatic leadership – seems invested in Envy
c
right now, but might be able to treat any of the
rebellion. Meanwhile, the Deadly Santas are already
errant Santas as “escape Clauses,” diverting his scattered across the space-time continuum, perform-
wicked will where the PCs could never find him. So, ing deviltry and altering the nature of reality.
the subordinate Clauses must be eliminated first, Mrs. Claus herself has sent the reindeer to seek
before the battle can be taken to the North Pole.
heroes to perform a terrible but essential deed: Santa
Claus must die to save Christmas. Will the PCs help?
What Do We Do With All the Santa
Of Course They Will
d
Claus Corpses?
Keep them safe; pile them up in the rear of the
The reindeer, frankly, are assuming that the
sleigh. Mrs. Claus and the Elf Rebellion have been
gathering ancient tomes on Christmas Magic to heroes are willing to Save Christmas for no pay, but
study, and she believes that if she has all the Santa they’ve also come prepared with offers of cash and
Corpses intact, she can perform a ritual to recon- swag, just in case. If the PCs start talking fees, the
struct the original, jolly, goodhearted Santa Claus reindeer will first try tears and sniffling about all the
j
she’s married to. If there are any corpses missing

poor little kids who will have to go without presents
from the ritual, the results “wouldn’t be pretty.”
That’s the term Mrs. Claus used when describing the from now on, and so on. If the PCs push the issue,
problem to Dasher. He doesn’t know any more the reindeer are prepared to offer up to $10,000 per
beyond it “wouldn’t be pretty.” man and all the candy-canes they can eat. Dasher will
also wink and promise successful heroes “a little extra
something in the sack,” by which he means the sack
Which Santa is Where and When? of Christmas gifts forthcoming for the holiday. If the
Preliminary intelligence is sketchy. The Rebellion PCs misunderstand him, though, he’s not entirely
believes that one of the two Santa Clauses working in close-minded.
New York City is “Pervert” Santa. Mrs. Claus thinks The sleigh is all warmed up. Time to go!
that the Santas have been dispatched in “buddy” pairs
to provide balance for their extreme personalities.
Why Not Just Go to the North Pole and

g
Everyone feared the worst, but Santa emerged Kill the Leader (Optional Single-
from the wreckage – several times! There was a group Evening Game Version)?
of seven Santas, each calling himself by a new name. Yeah, okay.
There was the leader, Envious, and his cohorts,
13
Chapter Two: Debacle
on 34 Street
th
“Why all of the sudden is the sketch dirty?”
One seat, in particular, looks very well-used.
“Child molestation is a tricky subject Dasher looks at the broadly-depressed cushions
with the affiliates.” with sad reverence, and Blitzen sheds a tear
and chokes back a sob. “That’s – that’s Santa’s
“Read the papers! Half the country’s doing it!”
butt …” Blitzen begins to weep quietly “God
“Yes, but you name names.” I’m gonna miss the big guy” and the other rein-
deer fight to hold back the tears. Dancer and
“We don’t name names. We say ‘The Pope.’” Prancer both give Blitzen a hug.
– Hannah And Her Sisters
Dasher, ever the leader, motions with his
O
NCE THE REINDEER HAVE THE PCs on antlers, and the reindeer begin harnessing
board for the mission, they get them on board themselves for the trip. He nods to you: “One
the sleigh – that’s Santa’s very own, stolen by of you has to fill Santa’s shoes. So to speak. I’ll
the Elf rebellion. It’s on the roof of Antonio’s, and leave it up to you.” He drops onto all fours,
with a wink and a sparkle, the PCs are, too. and settles into the lead harness.
Once the PCs have seated up, the Reindeer will

begin pulling, carrying the sleigh upward, gently, into
the swirling snows. At this point, the PCs might ask:
where they are headed, again? Dasher can talk to
them through a team-to-pilot intercom system (built
into the harness). He’ll tell them they’re off to New
York City in [the year in which you’re GMing this
Constructed in orbital spacedock above San adventure]. “We’re pretty sure one of the Santa duos
Francisco by crews of specially-trained Elves, is somewhere in the Big Apple … and we’re pretty
Santa’s Sleigh can reach Mach 4 in 2.6 seconds. sure Pervert Santa is one of the team … we’re not
sure of much beyond that. The rest is up to you
The sleigh is impressive. Beyond the old-fash- guys.”
ioned painted-wood-and-scrollwork hull, it features a With that, the snow will begin swirling more rapid-
transtemporal circuit with a 700-chronopulse output, ly, and then glow. When the snow stops glowing, the
auxiliary rocket boosters, a powerful onboard com- PCs can make out the well-lit monoliths of Manhattan
puter system with a database library and a fast net beneath them. It’s four days before Christmas, local
connection, radar, ladar, naughtydar, nicedar, plasma time, just past sunset.
video with more than a thousand digitally-archived
g
movies, wet bar, capacious rear cargo area, and two
GAMING IS EDUCATIONAL!
wide benches with generous cushions, and luxuriant
leather upholstery. Describe it to the PCs in general At any given moment, one in three people in New
terms, then read the following Groovy Boxed Text: York City are from out of town.
14
Chapter Two: Debacle on 34th Street
15
A Sleigh Ride Together SANTA’S SLEIGH: IT MEANS WHAT IT IS
With You Santa’s sleigh is loaded down with electronic goodies

that can access all sorts of information, both in the
form of real-time sensors, huge databases, and an
The PCs should decide where in New York City impossibly fast Internet connection. This is a gift for
they want to come down and start exploring. They the harried Game Master carefully disguised as a gift
g
should keep in mind that their for the harried Player Characters.
goal is to find a couple of This adventure isn’t about looking things up online or
Santa Clauses (yes, there are kicking back watching Santa’s collection of Girls
hundreds of them in the city Gone Wild videos (he’s been considering adding
– they want a real one). “wild” as a third category, he’s beginning to regard it
as something philosophically outside the box of
If any of the PCs is from “naughty” and “nice”). So, if the PCs start leaning
modern-day Risus Earth toward letting the hardware do the adventuring for
(or somewhen close), they’ll them, just slap some layers of encryption on the porn
probably know the major parts of directories, a frustratingly complete child-friendly fil-
ter on the Web browser, and have a field of unex-
the city from watching TV. If the plained atmospheric radiation (on loan from a Star
PCs include an actual New Yorker, Trek episode) interfering with the sensors.
he’ll know even more. If no-one in
d
the group fits this description, the
Reindeer will help out. If you don’t mind fudging a
bit, any mutants or talking slimes could very realisti-
cally be from north Jersey. Some spots that might
But, when you need to help the PCs along a little
come to mind: (their hopes are like a mouse for you to toy with, you
a The Bronx: The Bronx depicted in the popular wicked tomcat of a GM), the sleigh provides a useful
alternative mouthpiece to Dasher and the reindeer
media is a violent, dangerous neighborhood of
team. Dasher and company don’t really know what’s
liquor stores, iron gratings and missing hubcaps. going on, so the best they can do is offer their own
By a curious coincidence, the real Bronx is a vio- guesses. Mrs. Claus and the Elf rebellion, on the
lent, dangerous neighborhood of liquor stores, other hand, are constantly learning, and the PCs can
f
iron gratings and missing hubcaps. This time of occasionally get a scratchy, distorted (heavily encrypt-
ed) signal from rebellion headquarters in the North
year, colored lights can be seen in the liquor-store Pole. New intelligence, new discoveries, new rubber
windows, blinking from behind the bars, lighting chickens, in other words, to slap the players with
up lots of dirty snow. should they need it.
a Brooklyn and Queens: These gigantic bor- The distorted signals are sent by Elf communications
specialists, by the way, not by Mrs. Claus herself.
oughs across the bridges from Manhattan are
Save Samantha ‘til the final act.
cities in their own right. Unless you’re frantic for a
good baseball card shop or a Patty Duke Show One thing the sleigh can always provide is ready
historian, there’s little of interest beyond endless access to Santa’s naughty/nice database. The PCs
can feed anyone’s name and address into the com-
rows of dilapidated townhouses. La Guardia air-
puter, and it will produce a little thumbs-up dingbat
port is here, just north of Queens proper and easi- or a little thumbs-down one, as appropriate. The link
ly accessible from Grand Central Parkway. East of to the details is mildly encrypted, but the Game
Queens is Long Island. Master might let any hacker-types breeze past it with
a Difficulty of 15.
h
a Chinatown: Less Christmassy than the rest of
The sleigh’s functions as a time machine don’t work
Manhattan, New York’s Chinatown is nevertheless without Dasher’s say-so. He likes the PCs, but he
a good potential area for funny NPC encounters. won’t trust them with the power of time-travel
It’s the world’s single greatest source of beyond what he feels is strictly necessary to complete
Monosodium Glutamate. their task.
15
16
a Central Park: A big rectangular park with restau- However, there are hundreds of perverts dressed as
rants and people sailing remote-controlled boats Santa Claus in New York at Christmastime, which can
regardless of the weather. This part of the city is make the search very frustrating.
nicely decked-out for the holidays. Nice apart- Don’t allow it to be frustrating for more than a few
ment buildings line it on the sides. Joggers and minutes. Let them get their sea legs, introduce your
muggers are each common fauna. take on New York City, and improvise amusing NPCs
at need for as long as the players are having fun pok-
a Greenwich Village: One of the artsy capitols of ing around. While they’re still having fun, throw the
the world, “the Village” is a gold mine of human next encounter at them. It’s time to meet Philo.
comedy at it’s best – don’t waste it! It’s on the
southern end of Manhattan, centered around
Washington Square, which has a big goofy arch
thing in it. This place is full of coffee shops, the-
atres, jazz clubs, and other haunts of the black-
sweater/film school set. Any PCs trying to start
their own religion or political movement might
find supporters here, hanging out at the health
food stores. Good bookstores, though. Soho is bronx
just southish of it.
a Statue of Liberty: The traditional “first sight” of

immigrants to America, it’s big, copper, and hol-
new jersey
low.
Of course, there’s plenty else in the area
(Carnegie Hall, the Chrysler building, Little Italy, queens
Times Square, the Met, not to mention less amusing
places like Staten Island and Jersey City); just about
all of it’s decked out big-time for Christmas. New York Keller's
has its problems, but it is a city that looks right for the
holidays. All the streetlights (even stoplights) blink a
bright red-and-green, and thanks to the presence of Philo's Apt.
both the magic sleigh and the evil Santas, it’s snowing
beautifully.
The PCs should be allowed to go their own way Brooklyn
in searching for the Santas – but in a city of a k’jillion
people (according to the most recent census,
Manhattan alone has over 1.2 k’jillion), they’re likely
to need a little help. The first stages are entirely up to
them, and (at the beginning, anyway) it’s wise to let
their own paranoia and/or sense of Romance deter-
mine what’s important. It might occur to them that
the reindeer and sleigh must be disguised somehow to
prevent drawing unwanted attention (the reindeer can
hold very still at need, so if nothing else they can just
leave them on somebody’s lawn).
There are a lot of ways to look for Pervert Santa,
in particular. Kidnapping children to use as bait, for
example (or disguising the party Halfling and sending
him on “lap duty” at the nearest department store).
16
17
Philo Hackdream: Santa so lame that the best he can manage in victory is to
have Santa pinned helplessly while he pokes him
Hunter ineffectually with candy.

As soon as the PCs show themselves, Philo will
Begin with some Groovy Boxed Text, prepared yell to them: “Help me, good citizens! There is an evil
just for you: scourge upon the city and his name is Saint Nick!”
He’ll point to the helpless Santa repeatedly, and grin
like a maniac.
Just when you thought [neighborhood] was The PCs might choose to help Philo harm the
devoid of leads, you hear a scream from a helpless Claus, or they might realize that Philo is an
nearby street corner! Through the falling snow, idiot and put a stop to the “fight.” Either way, prevent
you can just make out the unmistakable figure Philo from being killed if the PCs take a bloodthirsty
of Santa Claus, being attacked by an angry approach. Just slyly suggesting that Philo might know
man in a large trench coat. The latter figure has something will almost certainly do the trick; PCs are
knocked Santa to the ground, sending a brass suckers for questioning defeated NPCs.
bell clattering across the icy pavement.
“Eat sugar, wicked Claus!” shouts the attacker, PHILO HACKDREAM: SANTA HUNTER
and pulls a dangerous-looking sharpened can-
Description: Until this Christmas, Philo Hackdream
i
dycane from his coat. The “Santa” beneath him was an ordinary flake, a paranoid student of the
cries out for help.
j
occult and self-styled “vampire hunter.” He walks in
a low, cautious stoop, eyeing every corner, and con-
stantly talks in psychobabble and dubious occult ref-
erences. He’ll talk your ear off about banker conspir-
This is New York, so several passers-by are simply acies, government cover-ups of UFOs, and the nor-
weaving around the scene as if it weren’t happening. mal drivel that flakes tend to go on about, but espe-
It’s up to the PCs to do something, and fast. They cially about his latest obsession: Santa Hunting.
have encountered Philo Hackdream: Santa Hunter. They’d get Dan Akroyd to play him in the movie, so
if you do a good impression, go for it.
Philo is, believe it or not, basically one of the
good guys. He’s deluded, though, and he’s Clichés: Tireless Occult Investigator (2), Vampire-
attacking his victim physically with the sharp- Hunter (1), Food-Service Lifer (3)
ened confection. If the PCs
Talking With Philo

do nothing, he’ll begin
crazily stabbing at the poor
Santa (an innocent charity-
taker). Santa (David After the incident is over (however it turns out),
Beecher; lives in the PCs will have an opportunity to talk to Philo. Play
Queens) is already him as an obsessive flake, constantly worried about
defeated, so he can’t imagined conspiracies and occult threats. He’s pretty
really fight back. Philo is gullible, and the PCs can use this to their advantage.
Much more importantly, he has information that can
lead them to the real Santas.
Philo is a vampire-hunter by trade (works at a
Pizza Hut to pay his share of the rent), a mentally-
unbalanced believer in various occultish things, with a
circle of equally flaky friends. For years, he and his
oddball companions have partaken of natural
medicines, eaten lots of health food, and stalked
the streets looking for specters and vampires
with which to do battle.
17
18
Philo will gladly share all this information; he likes

discussing his hobbies. In particular, he’s spent years SANTA DRONE
investigating the shadowy “King of Vampires” who Description: These are vagrants and other dispos-
dwells somewhere in the city. Philo will admit, eventu- sessed types that Gluttonous Santa has recruited for
ally, that he’s never actually found any vampires at his army of well-fed wickedness. They look just like
d
all, let alone their king. This is absolute proof, he what they are: scruffy men in Santa suits, with brass
bells and an iron pot on a tripod. They stand at
maintains, of just how cunning and dangerous vam- street corners ringing their bells and collecting coins,
pires are. waiting for some threat to appear so they can kill it.
Philo’s career as occult investigator was curbed They are thoroughly unremarkable in combat, and
f
sharply three weeks ago, when he was taking out a have only the power of their Slay Bells with which to
do battle. For important functions, they attack in
load of trash to the dumpster after a busy Friday night really big teams.
at the Hut. There, in the alley, was a figure who was
undoubtedly (according to Philo), the real Santa The Slay Bells are magical sonic weapons that jangle
Claus! “But he seemed evil,” Philo will insist, shock- the nerves, disrupt flesh and bone at very close
range, and – worst of all – fill the mind of any victim
ing the PCs a good deal less than he expects to. This with intense “holiday depression.” Anyone holding a
evil Santa Claus, Philo says, had hypnotized four Slay Bell is immune to its effects, something the PCs
winos with some sort of magical device, and was giv- will learn if they think to pluck one away from a foe.
ing them bells and coats … “And while he was doing They’re bonus-die magic items when used as
it, he was hogging down a ton of discarded pizza weaponry, for either physical or emotional attacks.
Any Santa Drone taken prisoner and deprived of his
crusts he’d found in the dumpster. You’ve never seen bell will not remember how he got where he is, or
a mortal eat so heartily. It was distressing.” This why he’s dressed like Santa Claus.
should tip off the PCs to the fact that the other half of
Clichés: Mindless Servant (1 – they aren’t even very
h
the local festive tag-team is Gluttonous Santa.
good at being mindless, if you can imagine that).
Philo explains that he donned his leather overcoat They attack as Cliché (2) foes, using Mindless
and grabbed his satchel full of occult paraphernalia, but Servant with a bonus die from the magic Slay Bells.
Santa drove him off by ringing a magic bell, giving They can form grunt squads of – at least theoretically
Philo a hell of a nosebleed with the painful sound. – any value, given enough of them.
Philo will take a liking to the PCs fairly easily,

unless they really abuse him (in which case he’ll take a
liking to them anyway – his self-esteem is pretty dam-
aged). He’ll offer to take them to his apartment, to get coincidence, Philo is right. Soon, the PCs can make
warm, have some food, and meet his friends. On the out a strangely irritating, resonant ringing noise over
way, he’ll offer them all candy canes to sharpen (not the late-night traffic. Glass nearby starts to vibrate,
only is it fun to sharpen them, it’s good for your and then crack. Philo starts making lots of little pseu-
breath). He’s basically a nice guy; he’s just a dink. do-magical gestures and taking
ridiculous martial-arts poses.
“Slay Bells Ring – Are As the sound grows ever loud-

er, the PCs will discover that they
You Listenin’?” are being surrounded by four
scruffy-looking men in Santa
As the PCs are walking through the snow with Claus outfits. They are
Philo Hackdream, headed for his apartment, Philo each ringing their
will stop suddenly, and cock his head to one side. bells and advancing
“Do you hear that?” with grim smiles.
The PCs don’t hear anything. Just city sounds. These are the Evil
Santa Drones, armed
“Listen!” Philo will put his ear into the snow,
with Slay Bells and the
against walls, and then against a lamp-post (where it
will to use them.
sticks). “It’s them!” he shouts. “They’re after me!” By
18
19
Santa himself lacks the stomach for killing right

SANTA CLAUS now (it’s busy being the stomach for Chinese take-
out), but he’ll happily let the Drones do some slaugh-
These stats apply to each of the “real” Kris Kringles. terhousing for him. If the Drones are defeated (and
Santa is normally a benevolent man (or, specifically,
he’s a Right Jolly Old Elf). Even at his best, though,
they probably will be; they’re pretty pathetic) he’ll
wade in and beat the crap out of the PCs with impro-
b
Santa’s a neurotic obsessive, quietly maniacal for
things like kindness, peace, and giving. It’s this vised food weaponry pulled from his pockets – he’s got
obsessive nature that made him vulnerable to the entire lasagnas in there. It’s pretty nasty. If he defeats
evil force which has possessed him. Now that he’s the PCs, he’ll leave them beaten and battered on the
fragmented, his unstable qualities have taken on
their darkest expression, and every Santa Claus is
street and make good his escape (the PCs will meet
now dangerously naughty and not very nice. If he him again later in the adventure). If the PCs defeat
can be rescued (which is to say, repeatedly killed), him, they’re welcome to interrogate him, but ultimately
Mrs. Claus may be able to magically restore the sane need to kill him. That’s what they’re here for.
and reasonable Santa Claus she once knew – a
kindly fat guy in a loud red outfit, fond of playing
If any of the PCs are obviously edible (you never
with Elves and animals, breaking into houses, eating know what people will play in a Risus game), and
cookies, and stuffing socks with cologne samples. Gluttonous Santa defeats the PCs, he will consume
f
the PC. If any PCs are killed by drones or eaten by

Each of the Santas is a demonic avatar of a different
sin, with appropriate differences in their three-die
Gluttonous Santa, they can take over Philo as a PC,
cliché. Pervert Santa, for example, is a Demonic perhaps.
Avatar of Lust (3), so he can hump your leg into sub- With or without a Santa corpse in tow, they can
mission, while Stuck-Up Santa is a Demonic Avatar head off to Philo’s apartment, now. If they had tried
of Vanity (3), so he can defend against nearly any
assault with a zone of total self-involvement.
to give Philo the brush-off, you can use this fight
scene to bring them back together … Santa will attack
i
Clichés: Magical Christmas Icon (6), Stud Muffin (4), the PCs, and Philo will come “to their rescue” – and
Demoniac Avatar of Sin (3). probably need rescuing, himself.
Special Rules: As a Magical Christmas Icon, Santa
Claus is an accomplished sorcerer of sorts, wielding
Christmas Magic. Christmas Magic isn’t violent, but it
Freakish Bohemian
can be practical in a gingerbread, cranberry, plum-
duff sort of way. He can, for example, distract foes Christmas Party
with happy childhood memories, tempting aromas of
baked goods, or visions of dancing sugarplums. Philo’s apartment is an old, full-sized townhouse,
Given access to a hearth, Santa Claus can escape wedged between a holistic health food/bookstore/cof-
any battle he’s losing by laying a finger aside his fee shop/art gallery/new age supply shop on the left,
nose. This requires a full round for the spell to work,
though, in which everyone can take one last whack
and a small delicatessen on the right. All three build-
at him. ings are decked out with Christmas décor, and the
crunched-down snow on the sidewalk is illuminated
in blinking colors.
Beyond them, silhouetted in the
falling snow, is a larger, more impres-
sive Santa Claus. He’s directing the IMPORTANT ADVENTURE-
Santa Drones with an outstretched finger. STRUCTURE THINGY
a
With his other hand, he’s dumping a paper carton full
j
of Roasted Pork Lo Mein into his mouth. Of course, The reindeer are welcome to hide out at Philo’s
place, but they can’t accompany the PCs to Keller’s.
he’s in silhouette right now, so the PCs might mistake This isn’t a hard sell; they’d obviously stick out like …
it for Chicken Lo Mein. Sinister! like caribou in a store. They’ll prefer to either stay
“Ho, ho, ho,” Gluttonous Santa says, between with the sleigh (if they’re guarding it on a lawn
slurping sounds. “Looks like our errant pizza boy has somewhere) or with Philo’s roommates (if they’ve
been invited to the apartment). Gloria likes Blitzen a
some new friends. Hurt them, my minions! Show
lot.
them what Christmas is all about. Ho, ho.”
19
20
As the PCs duck inside with Philo, they’re over- instincts – Santa hunting. If the PCs brought a Santa
whelmed by the smell of pine-spray and incense. CDs Corpse with them, the roomies will be excited to see it
and old cassette-tapes with titles like “Songs of the “You got him, Philo! Good for you!” They’ll be a little
Earth Mother,” “Druidic Jazz and Meditation upset to learn that there’s more than one real Santa
Soundtrack” and so on are scattered on top of the Claus needing to be killed.
stereo, and paintings of naked people climbing pyra- Play up these characters for all they’re worth.
mids and arching meaningfully cover the walls. Many They’re friendly but perhaps too friendly (especially
of the paintings also feature dolphins. Three other Gloria, whose overtures are anything but subtle); the
people are in the room, seated around a small artifi- idea should be to give a comfortable sense of an off-
cial Christmas tree and chanting in time with the lights beat but happy family, of sorts, not to inspire the PCs
(they’re the fancy kind that flash, strobe, chase each to want to kill all of them. Not now, anyway; we need
other around, pulse in alternating colors and so on). them around to get killed later.
They’ve got a music-video channel on the tube, but
the sound is muted. Philo will fetch some hot bever-
ages and introduce everyone around. His friends are: Philo’s Got A Secret
a Fred Hackdream: This is Milo’s brother. They Eventually Philo should realize that there’s more
look a lot alike, but Fred’s occult wardrobe is a bit than one Santa Claus. If the PCs don’t tell him out-
more eastern. He’s recently achieved mastery of right, let him deduce it from their conversation, or let
Yoga and become a “Spiritual Guru” through a him become very curious about why Santa was so
correspondence course. He’ll show everybody his outrageously gluttonous. Either way, he’s got some-
diploma and ask them if they’d like to hear about thing useful for the PCs. He’s been keeping an eye on
an investment opportunity in the rapidly-growing the Santa Drones (which is why Gluttonous Santa
tea oil industry. was keeping an eye on him), and he’s decided that
the center of their activity on 34th street, in a major
a Cathy Fields: An almost dangerously thin girl shopping district … and specifically at Keller’s, one of
with a peasant dress and beads on, Cathy is culti- New York’s most famous multi-story department
vating a 1960s aesthetic this week. She’s Fred’s
girlfriend, and she supports both Fred and three
cages full of ferrets. She’ll offer moral critique to
anyone wearing anything made from animals,
plants, or petroleum.
a Gloria Mainer: Gloria has a vaguely spaced-out

air, but she’s immediately friendly, even physically
affectionate, with nearly everyone she meets.
She’s especially fond of anyone with an “S”
sound in their name. She insists that S is a “magic
sex letter,” and that it’s “sublime in its sensual sig-
nificance.” She’ll attach herself to the arm of one
of the PCs and talk of Stonehenge, the healthy
nature of group sex, and how even artificial
Christmas trees are possessed of souls, because
children need them to be.
In Risus terms, they’re identical, with only the
Well-Meaning Flake (2) cliché to call their own.
Philo, for his part, will regale the group with the
story of how he met the PCs, and he’ll paint them in I think I’ve been cruel enough to these stupid
a very flattering light. Everyone here is committed to characters without abusing Cathy in a caption.
both vampire-hunting and – because they trust Philo’s
20
21
stores. He believes the center is Keller’s, in particular,

because of a recent newspaper article. He’s got a clip- Keller’s Department Store
ping handy (see the “Child Trouble at Keller’s” clip-
ping in the Player Handouts). Keller’s is a huge building, or at least it was pretty
huge when they built it in 1928. It’s 40 stories, not all
of which is the department store, of course. The lower
floors house offices, a bank, two restaurants, and so
on. But an astounding portion of the building is shop-
ping heaven. Oh, but for an eternity and a Gold Card!
This is a department store of the Old School – the
elevators each have a uniformed operator, and each
floor houses just one or two departments, each with
its own experts and department heads … You’ve got
a single floor for Hardware, a single floor for Ladies’
Lingerie (bound to be popular with some PCs), a sin-
gle floor for Sporting Goods (a good source for
Hackdream thinks that this is final, clinching evi- makeshift weapons, armor, and expensive tents), a
dence that the evil Santa Claus was/is operating out single floor for Books, and so on. Fun for all, but a lit-
of Keller’s. If the PCs have mentioned that they’re tle pricey, especially the clothing and furniture.
looking for a “Pervert Santa” in particular, he’ll be During the daytime, the building is packed solid
even more adamant. If he still thinks they’ve already with Christmas shoppers, all bundled up and bicker-
met the only evil Santa, he’ll be interested in “clean- ing at each other. The lines stretch to a theoretical
ing out the minions” or (if Santa defeated the PCs) infinity, and the heat is as oppressive as the
tracking down Claus himself for another go. omnipresent Christmas muzak and glittery holiday
Regardless, he intends to check the place out. Are displays (mostly animated Elf statues nodding and
they with him? waving while standing amid sheets of plastic snow).
The PCs, if they are very clever, will say “no The walls and ceiling are extravagantly draped in
thanks,” and go check out the store on their own. If reds, greens, and sparkling metallic ribbons. At the
they are only marginally clever, they’ll agree to go top of each huge archway between departments, a
along with Philo. Philo will set aside his sharpest decorator has seen fit to hang a giant replica of a
Vampire-Slayer wardrobe, and hit the hay, reading golden tree-ornament decked with a huge red velvet
“Zolar” books until he snoozes. The PCs (and the ribbon.
Reindeer, if Philo knows about them) are welcome to During the night there are six watchmen on duty.
crash for the night. At any given time, there will be three on the ground
floor, two on patrol through the building, and one in
the watchmen’s room watching
KELLER’S DEPARTMENT STORE SECURITY the Playboy Channel and eat-
Description: These are the watchmen for Keller’s. At ing stale éclairs. They trade off
f
night, they happily scarf down stale éclairs while through the night. The night-
watching the Playboy Channel in the security room time is definitely the best
(it’s more interesting than the security monitors).
time to make an organized
During the daytime, they average about five years
hit on the place, but the pos-
g
younger, and seem more awake.

sibilities of shopping-hours
Clichés (Day Shift): Oblivious Rent-A-Cop (2). They fun are juicy (see sidebar
can manage up to four dice as a squad.
for some examples).
Clichés (Night Shift): Entirely Oblivious Rent-A-Cop Visiting in the daytime is
(1). If there’s a ruckus that alerts a dozen of them at the best way to see
once, they can form large grunt squads worth as Santa Claus in action
many as two dice, total.
with the kids, too.
21
22
Santa’s Head-Patting The Part Where the Store

Throne Becomes a Dungeon
Santa works from a gigantic stage set up on the
upper floor of the toy department (which occupies the
Module
16th and 17th stories of the building). A giant roped- Eventually, the evidence should tempt the PCs
off line is manned by bored store employees wearing toward the off-limits upper floors of Keller’s. Enhance
Elf-costumes. Hundreds of kids line up at a time, will- the temptation by making sure the PCs realize the fol-
ing to wait for hours if need be to sit on Santa’s lap lowing:
and demand toys. Santa’s surrounds consist of more a This is where the Santa goes when his shift is
glitter-covered props than a sane man can compre- over. He does not seem to leave the building at
hend at once. Simply witnessing the display could any point, as the most insistent reporters have
result in a combat between a weak-willed PC and the failed to get an interview. Either he’s sleeping
garish, monstrous insanity of the décor (if the décor here, or he has a secret way out.
wins, the PC will be unable to stomach the sight of
glitter for months). a There are lots of cool “Stay Out” and “Executive
Just as the newspaper reported, this Santa does Staff Members Only: Restricted!” signs on every
seem to have some sort of head-patting fixation. As stairwell leading upwards beyond the store areas.
each child sits on his lap, he begins his usual banter:
“We-ell! Ho, ho! And what do YOU want for a The public elevators don’t go into the restricted
Christmas, little one?” When the kid starts answering, floors; only the executive elevators do (and they,
Santa’s eyes glaze over and he raises his hand and too, are marked “off limits”).
starts to slowly pat the child’s head, grinning like a a Gloria had a waking vision about the
maniac. After a while, the kid will get tired of it and 39th floor, and Philo wants to check it out.
say “quit it.” And Santa will. As the next kid moves Use this in a pinch of the PCs seem a little
into place, the “Elves” slow on the uptake.
give the exiting
child is a small The first (lowest)
bag contain- map shows the
ing a candy ground floor –
cane, a lol- this’ll help for
lipop, and a dealing with
cheap plastic security. The sec-
toy (a boat or air- ond map moving
plane made of paper-thin up shows a typical
plastic somewhere in layout of a shopping level
Taiwan). (various functions). The
When Santa’s third and fourth maps show
work shift ends the restricted top two floors of
(at 8:30pm), the building, which is where
he’ll head direct- all the cool stuff happens.
ly for the offices The roof also can come
upstairs, where he has into play in the adven-
a dressing room (see Area ture, but it’s just a
17, below). He will large square area with
ignore the gathering a few assorted miniature
reporters, and the PCs. structures, like on TV.
Jolly, Generous, and an Experienced Phrenologist
22
23
21
24
23
25 22
25
26
25 10
1 1
flo 25
or
40
18
20
14 19
14 16
14
17 Map Key: Ground Floor
15
10
14 Area 1 – Sidewalk/Entrances: The sidewalks
1 1 outside Keller’s are covered by giant awnings. Any
flo character falling onto this awning, whether from the
or
39 roof or out of a window, will be bounced harmlessly
across the street into an office window, taking some
nasty scratches from the glass and landing, but avoid-
ing splatting onto the sidewalk. There are lots of glass
doors here.
12
9 Area 2 – Open “Mall” Area: This is like a
12 micro-shopping-mall, with large potted trees (covered
13
with lights, of course), and open-doorway entrances
to the various ground-floor businesses. A Salvation
10 Army charity taker is on duty at the spot marked “X.”
12 1 1 He’s dressed as Santa and is ringing his bell and
sho being generally polite. Occasionally, reporters bother
ppin him in the hopes that he is, or knows, the Keller’s
g Santa. The PCs might bother him, too. He’s not a
Drone unless it’d be cool for him to be a Drone, in
1
4
which case he’s a Drone.
Area 3 – Empire State Savings and Loan:
1 This is just a small branch of Keller’s bank. It’s a good
2
x 3 place for the PCs to exchange their currency if they’re
in from another planet or something.
9
Area 4 – McTreacher’s Fast Food:
10
5 Specializing in fish-burgers and shrimp-sausage
Gr 6 1 1 muffins, this newest addition to the fast food market
ound 7 thrives on how busy Keller’s is this time of year. They
lev have large signs up proclaiming “Try Our Christmas
el 8 Special, the Turkey Burger Combo Meal, for only
23
24
$5.95!” The meal includes a turkey burger slathered

with gravy, a plastic cup of eggnog with a straw, three EXPANDING THE SCENE:
large yam-nuggets, and a small order of chestnut NYC STREET ENCOUNTERS
stuffing deep-fried into little tater-tot style balls. Why You Little … : Pick a random PC and tell him
Area 5 – Rapid-FireTM Print Shop: This is a that he has lost his wallet (or belt-pouch or whatever
print-and-copy shop. Nothing interesting or useful he keeps his cash in). A little kid can be seen run-
g
ning away down a nearby alley.
here, but you never know what PCs may need in the
middle of an adventure. Anyone seeking to print a Hey Man Check This Out: A spotty-faced kid in his
PDF file must face an extensive criminal background late teens accosts the PCs and tries to show them his
check and pay an $85 ripping fee (but apart from switchblade. He’s not threatening them or anything,
he just the sort of kid who wanders the streets show-
that, it’s just 74¢ per page).
ing people his switchblade.
Area 6 – McCready’s Newsstand: Old Man
McCready, if asked very discreetly, has a supply of Slayer Santas: A man dressed like Santa Claus and
head-patting magazines for sale for $8 each, or $12 wielding a brass bell can be seen standing near a
street-corner by a Salvation Army pot. This is one of
for a bundle of four leftover magazines from previous the mind-slaves of Santa, the Claus Corps of “Santa
months. They are much like the ones in Area 15, Drones” (see page 18). He’s armed with a Slay Bell,
below. and will use it if he suspects the PCs.
Area 7 – Nasty Little Hobbieses: A gratuitous
Not Everyone is An Enemy: As above, but it’s a
game/comic-book/nipponophenalia retailer. There’s a legitimate Salvation Army dude.
g
pretty cool sculpture of a Gollum-esque character out
front during business hours, holding a golden ring “You Call Taxi:” A taxi pulls up and the driver
insists that the PCs called for it. He doesn’t speak
aloft and dancing on what is presumably meant to
any English beyond that.
represent a volcanic precipice. The proprietor, Neil,
seems to specialize in vinyl kits of naked and nearly- That Was Odd: A homeless woman approaches the
naked anime girls (with a sideline in Queen Amidala PCs and asks an eerily pertinent question, and then
walks away. If the PCs follow her, they find only a
statuettes, circa the ripped-midriff white costume). He
dog-eared copy of “X” Magazine.
likes to argue about Star Trek, Star Wars, Blake’s
7 and (most especially) the American Dr. Who Why You (Not Quite As) Little … : A man in a
made-for-TV movie. Whatever stance the PCs take on black limousine spits out of his window, hitting the
weapon or scabbard of one of the PCs’ warrior-
the matter; he takes the opposite position with a sneer
types.
of contempt; this can result in a titanic battle – Neil
has a devastating Opinionated Fan (5) cliché. If he A Mime is a Terrible Thing to Waste: A mime fol-
defeats a PC, the PC’s cliché cannot heal until he’s lows one of the PCs and imitates his every move.
He’ll go away only if the PCs give him a few bucks.
either purchased something extra-expensive and He’ll become a running gag throughout the adven-
“cool” from Neil, to salve his shattered nerves, or ture, showing up in the middle of combat scenes, in
until he’s played a prank on Neil that involves public later chapters, whenever – mimicking the same PC’s
nudity. movements. In each case, he’ll require more money
g
than last time before he’ll leave. He’ll never say a
Area 8 – Watchmen’s Room: A small, unre-
word, and if he’s killed (he’s only got a couple of
markable room with a TV set on a corner rack, a dice in Mime, and no other useful clichés to speak
table, a small fridge, a coffee maker, and two vending of) his brother will pick up the business where he left
machines (one for junk food, one for cigarettes). off – but tormenting a different Player Character.
During the day, there will be 1-6 security here. During
the night, there will be a single night watchman.
Area 9 – Public Elevators: These lead into the Area 10 – Executive Elevator: This elevator
stores proper. They are locked at night and manned can only be opened by keying in an appropriate six-
by operators in the day. They do not go higher than digit code number, or by beating an appropriate
the public shopping departments. Target Number (clichés like Superspy or Cat-Burglar
have the best chances, with Difficulty 10; other clichés
24
25
face higher numbers). Those less fond of discretion
b
can always try either beating up an executive for his EXPANDING THE SCENE: SHOPPING
code number, or just blowing stuff up. HIJINKS
Area 11 – Stairs: Steel-and-concrete stairway The Shoplifter: The PCs notice an odd little man
leading from the bottom to the top of the building. with a huge overcoat stuffing merchandise (tents,
The doors leading to restricted floors have electronic ceiling fans, bicycles) into his overcoat. If they report
locks like the one on the elevator, but the stairwells do him, the store security will thank them, but then do
nothing about it! If they apprehend the shoplifter
go all the way to the top floor. themselves, the man will stutter in fury and shout for
c
the security guards! This is Gene Keller, the owner,
Map Key: Typical Shopping who has a shoplifting fetish.
Level Mad Rush: Just as the PCs are hitting one of the
two floors of the Toy Department, a pair of employ-
Area 12 – Islands: Nice, carpeted places with ees come up on the freight elevator leading a dolly
full of boxes and a large painted “SALE” sign. They
overpriced merchandise and pushy salespeople on
set the boxes up in a pyramid and then unveil them
them. – it’s this year’s trend toy! That’s right, whatever
Area 13 – Department Office: This is a walk- $200 piece of rubbish the kids are screaming for this
up counter where you can get catalogues and credit season, the kind of toy that turns determined moth-
ers into clawing, screeching she-beasts. In any case,
info, lodge complaints, have things gift-wrapped, et
e
tease the PCs with this; try to entice one of them to
cetera. Also good when you can’t find something. pick one up to examine it (if you have to be sneaky,
tell them they spot something different about the box
Map Key: The 39th Floor on top of the pyramid). When they have it in hand,
100 screaming mothers, frothing at the mouth and
Read this floor carefully! This is yelling at the top of their lungs, converge on the pile
of overpriced toys like a swarm of locusts. In a flurry
where the climax begins. Within these of greed, the pyramid of toys will vanish, and the
darkened halls are revealed the very hapless PC will realize that he’s now holding
j
heart of Santa’s evil. You’ve been the only unpurchased unit in the entire
warned. store. The moms are a brutal Grunt
Squad with the cliché, Horde of
Area 14 – Miscellaneous Screaming Mothers (4). This could be
Areas: These are areas totally unim- the death of the PC (in which case
portant to the adventure and unfunny he’ll be sorely missed and recalled for-
in the extreme. Things like executive ever as a Christmas Martyr). No body
will ever be found – only a stain on the
lounges, offices, computer rooms, and
linoleum and some object that the dead
slide-theaters go here. Unless the PCs PC held dear.
want a fortune in paper clips, white-
out, Quaaludes and vibrators, there’s
nothing here for them (Yes, I said Area 15 – Santa’s Dressing room: This
paper clips. Don’t be a prude; lots of door is locked at all times, and nobody will be
people have paper clips. Why, the author allowed near it without a struggle in the daytime. It
of this module is a known user of knead- can be approached at night with sufficient stealth
ed-rubber erasers). In the lounges, and/or an unconscious trail of rent-a-cops littering the
the PCs will spot lots of landscape. Once inside, the PCs will find a small
Gluttonous Santa related makeshift bedroom, with a cot, a TV set, and a minia-
debris – huge piles of ture refrigerator. Santa Claus (his real name is Hiram;
pizza boxes, small he’s the manager’s brother) is sleeping here. A pile of
hills of Chinese head-patting magazines is on the floor, featuring lots
take-out cartons, of full-color photos of people patting each other on
candy wrappers gath- the head. Some of the more risqué magazines show
ered up like snowdrifts, etc. children being patted on the head.
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26
Of course, the PCs may still assume that this is however (he either saw them take it, or heard Santa
Pervert Santa … his white beard is real; he’s got red bragging about it, depending on how things went
long johns; he totally looks the part. If they wake and down).
interrogate him, they’ll simply get a terrified old Area 18 – Beckoning Cosmic Gateway
codger with a head-patting fixation. He’ll make the Machine Room: The door to this room is tough to
mistake of acting like a Santa, though, open; it’s heavily armored. Most clichés would face a
keeping up the “Ho! Ho!” business Difficulty 30 or more to force it physically; the PCs
and so on. He’ll only reveal will need to apply either security-cracking skills or
his name if threatened high explosives. Lacking those, a strong PC could use
in some way – he Blitzen as a battering ram.
doesn’t want to The steel vault-door, once breached, lets loose a
embarrass his brother. flurry of pure snow into the room. Beyond it, a trail
Don’t worry if the PCs of glittering ice leads about twenty feet into a star-
kill him by mistake; filled void, ending in a platform upon which stands
they’ll meet the real a gigantic machine: A Beckoning Cosmic Gateway
Pervert Santa soon enough. Generator (MkII, limited warranty version). The
Hiram knows that “some- room has no walls; it just extends to a black, starry
thing odd” is going on behind infinity. The machine is beaming a swirling green
the scenes, but he prefers igno- beam straight upwards into darkness.
rance and he’s been good at This spiffy thing is generating a gateway above
maintaining it. the roof of the store. It’s currently keyed to some
Area 16 – Chamber of Delights: This cham- point in space time (London England, December 24th,
ber is full of odd sexual paraphernalia. Toys and 1843). PCs with appropriate mad-scientist abilities
tables and feathery handcuffs and things. There is a might be able to deduce this from the instruments,
yak here, tethered to the wall and wearing a large but there doesn’t seem to be any way to alter its desti-
leather bikini. It looks pleadingly at the PCs as if to nation or deactivate it. It’s made of an alien metal it
say “please kill me quickly.” This is where Pervert would take weeks of battering to even dent. This is a
Santa goes to unwind after a hard day’s plotting (plot- pity, since the nexus almost certainly leads to the
ting gets him feeling amorous … but then again, a
toothache would get him feeling amorous).
Area 17 – Tied-up Reindeer: This is a very
out-of-place all-metal chamber, like the inside of a
vault. Eerie green light comes from around the cracks
of the huge steel door on the north wall. The room
isn’t empty: tied up and gagged in all corners of the
room are the Reindeer! The whole gang, from Dasher
on down. The PCs can untie them, and the Reindeer
would certainly appreciate it if they would.
Fortunately, nobody has dressed them in a leather
bikini. Yet.
Dasher will (after rubbing his hooves for a bit to
get the circulation going), tell the PCs that a veritable
horde of the Santa-Drones attacked them and
brought them here. If the reindeer were at the town-
house and the PCs have Philo with them, Philo will
be terrified, and ask after his friends. The reindeer
don’t know – they were all knocked out by the bells
This particular model of Beckoning
and don’t remember much beyond the initial attack.
Cosmic Gateway Machine works best when
Comet is pretty sure that Santa has the sleigh now, there’s an Icy, Gibbous Moon
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27
scene of the evil Santas’ next diabolical plot (it’s set
h
up to allow the local Santas to rendezvous with their A CHRISTMAS MOVIE QUIZ!
brethren on the “England Mission”). At any rate, To get your gaming group in the perfect holiday
smart PCs will realize that the gate must be manifest- mood, have a character-creation night with eggnog
ing on the roof somewhere, since this room barely and popcorn balls and candy canes and some classic
Christmas movies. Or, if you’re feeling particularly
exists in this reality to begin with.
evil, some less-than-classic Christmas movies like the
Area 19 – Pervert Santa’s Room: This is a ones listed below. But … which of these movies are
simply appointed makeshift bedroom with a large, real, and which are just sneaky Risus jokes? Answer
comfortable bed, several Santa Claus outfits, and an on page 57.
underage Yak wearing “Incredible Hulk” Underoos. Christmas Lilies of the Field: A years-later sequel
Area 20 – Gluttonous Santa’s Room: This to a great Sidney Poitier movie. Only its about
seems to be an emergency storage closet to feed Christmas, and doesn’t have Sidney Poitier in it. Stick
thousands of people in the event of an apocalypse. to playing Lando, Billy Dee.
Then, the PCs notice the bed. An American Christmas Carol: Like A Christmas
Carol except set in New England in the Great
Map Key: The 40th Floor Depression … with Henry “Fonzie” Winkler as Mister
Scrooge.
Area 21 – Secret Missile Launchers: This Christmas Comes to Willow Creek: Starring both of
rather huge chamber occupies part of floor 39, as the Dukes of Hazzard (John Schneider and Tom
well. There’s a platform where the PCs can stand Wopat) as quarrelling brothers trucking gifts to
d
safely. The rest of the room is filled with racks and Alaska.
racks of tactical long-range nuclear missiles (in the One Magic Christmas: Mom doesn’t believe
very low kiloton range). It’s pretty easy (Target enough in Christmas, so Dad gets shot dead and
Number 10 at most) for any computer-savvy char- both children are kidnapped and drowned. Then
acter to check out the computer guidance systems Harry Dean Stanton shows up. A Disney family fea-
ture.
and discover that they are locked onto major
department and toy stores (and warehouses) A Smoky Mountain Christmas: This time Henry
throughout North America. A more difficult roll (TN “Fonzie” Winkler is directing, while Dolly Parton stars
15 or so) will let a PC re-set the guidance systems, in a Christmas movie based on … Snow White and
the Seven Dwarves.
if they have a mind to nuke something. The missiles
are designed to slag the evidence as they leave, by Christmas in Connecticut: Not the Sidney
the way – a fail-safe mechanism keeps the missiles Greenstreet original from the 1940s. I mean the
from firing while the room is occupied. Of course, remake directed by Arnold Schwarzenegger.
that mechanism is keyed into the electronic lock,
and if the PCs have broken that to get in the
room … mately destroying the “commercial” side of
Area 22 – Roof Elevator Room: The Christmas, leaving Santa Claus and the North
sleigh is here. This entire chamber can be Pole as the only source of holiday toys. Insert
raised to the roof, allowing the sleigh to take Evil Executive Laughter here.
off. The controls for the elevator room are on If the PCs just bust in and start throwing
the north wall, and easy to operate. knuckles around, they can do away with the
Area 23 – Meeting in Progress: This is a mind-controlled execs without any difficulty: they
locked meeting-room with light coming from are, collectively, a Pack of Simpering Yes-Men (1).
under the door. The PCs might want to exercise a The PCs can deduce the plan, anyway, from all of
little stealth here. If they do, and listen through the the “Christmas Eve Giveaway” posters displayed on
door, they will hear a discussion of a plan to the walls, or Santa will gloat it to them later. No
destroy every toy retail center in the world, and to incarnation of Santa Claus is present for the meeting.
give away any toys that survive in the rubble. This Area 24 – Stairway to Roof: This is a stairway.
will further Envy’s plans by undermining and ulti- It leads to the roof.
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28
Pervert Santa stands to

HOW TO USE A RISUS MAP greet the PCs, saying some-
The map on page 23 is a lot like the other maps thing along the lines of “OH-
a
you’ll see in A Kringle in Time, which is to say: it HO! HO! Welcome, little
looks suspiciously like a serious adventure-module friends! Don’t step closer – that
map that might be used to track the location of the would be naughty!” The
Player Characters. Please don’t be fooled by this.
drones chime in with a few
The maps are a mix of utter rubbish (attractively doo- “Ho ho’s” of their own. “And
dled utter rubbish) and comfort for the Game Master. If little boys and girls are
If the PCs ever suspect you’re just hedging them naughty, their friends will be
along toward the next interesting area, you can flash
them the map, say “see?” and the map will pass any
harmed! OH-HO! HO!” By
kind of cursory inspection. Of course, between Evil “friends,” he means Philo’s
roommates (and possibly
f
Game Masters, we can know that the actual method

to using a Risus map is to (A) Look at it, say “Cool. Philo). The PCs may or may
A map,” and then (B) Let it give you a general idea
not actually care. Gloria,
of the feel of the place, and then (C) just hedge the
PCs along toward the next interesting area. despite her possible
impending doom, stares
lovingly at Santa Claus say-
Area 25 – The Bride of Mutant ing “S-s-s-sssssanta” over
Miscellaneous Areas From Planet X: If anything, and over again. Sublime in
these miscellaneous areas are even more miscella- it’s significance, you know.
neous than those that comprise Area 14.
Area 26 – Big Climactic Gloating and
Fighting Scene Area: This is the area where the Big
The Big Climactic
Climactic Gloating and Fighting Scene takes place. Gloating and Fighting
Specifically, it is a large, burned-out area of offices
replaced by a hastily-assembled throne and lots of Scene
burning Christmas decorations. Seated on a mighty
throne is Pervert Santa. If the PCs let Gluttonous Before the PCs can get to Santa Claus (or Santa
Santa get away from them earlier, he’s here too, scarf- Clauses), they have six Drones to wade through.
ing down a bag of McTreacher’s food happily. If he Santa himself can’t be engaged easily without getting
lost some cliché dice earlier, they may not be fully at least half the drones out of the way. When Pervert
healed yet, depending on the nature of the damage. Santa does fight, he does so with massive, hammer-
like fists, peppermint-scented sorcery using twisted,
A crackling fire burns in a chimney behind them,
dark Christmas Magic, and by leaping on PCs and
and several figures (the flakes from Philo’s place, and
humping their legs screaming “tell Santa what you
Philo if the PCs left him behind), are tied up on the
want for Christmas! Santa knows what you want, oh
floor with Christmas ribbons. A half-dozen Santa
yes he does. You’ve been naughty and Santa likes it!”
drones stand with Slay Bells at the ready.
And so forth. If you have any easily-embarrassed
players, show them no mercy. If you have any first-
HOW TO HEDGE PCS ALONG TO THE time gamers learning what RPGs are like from this
g
NEXT INTERESTING AREA adventure … Shame on you. And shame on me.

Beyond that, be sure and charge the scene with
With decades of gaming experience to draw on for
this, I can somewhat reluctantly but very certainly
plenty of “Ho, Ho, Ho’s” and Santa’s gloating. He’ll
confirm that if you hint to any group of players that talk about how he’s gonna take over Christmas, how
there is an unusual fried-chicken smell coming from powerful he is – all that good villain stuff. More to the
the direction you’d like them to explore, they will point, he’ll sarcastically thank the PCs for bringing
eagerly investigate. him the sleigh so as to make his job easier. There are
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29
If there are two Santas, they’ll behave similarly

apart from their chosen motif. The Beckoning Cosmic
Gateway is well over the roof. Santa can leap
that far (he’s quite athletic for a big guy), and
the sleigh and/or the reindeer can all reach it.
The PCs, in turn, can reach it by being in the
sleigh or on the reindeer. Here’s a list of loose
ends and endgame goals to move things smoothly to
the next chapter:
a The PCs, if they’re not defeated, should remem-
ber to take the sleigh and the reindeer with them.
The reindeer will remind them of this.
a The PCs should also remember to take any Santa

Corpses along.
a The PCs can fly through the gateway if they want,

but with a fully-operable sleigh and a team of
reindeer handy, they don’t actually require the
gateway as Santa did.
several kinds of climax (oh my) this scene could build
toward. Here’s how Santa will act depending on how a If the PCs didn’t do anything about the nukes,
things are going: they’ll probably still go off and irradiate the toy-
centers of America (whoopsie).
a If the PCs are doing extremely well, Santa will
attempt to flee, going for the sleigh and aiming it a With Pervert and Gluttonous dead, all of the
at the Beckoning Cosmic Gateway on the Roof Santa Drones will return to normal, and the execs
(even Santa can’t make the sleigh time-travel of Keller’s will snap out of it, too, and return to
unless a reindeer is pulling it; Reindeer are vital to selling toys instead of plotting a global giveaway.
the time-travel process … but Santa can make it
fly by using the rocket boosters). a Pervert Santa kept his stash of magazines under
his mattress, and they weren’t about head-patting,
a If the PCs are doing extremely well and Santa brother.
can’t get to the sleigh, he’ll just head for the
Beckoning Cosmic Gateway to leap through on a If Philo and his roomies survived,
his own. they’ll always remember the PCs fondly.
Especially Gloria.
a If the PCs are doing very poorly, Santa will gloat
very informatively, talking about how he’s going
to nuke people and give away toys and get totally
laid for doing it.
a If the PCs are doing very very poorly, one of the

tied-up schmucks from Philo’s apartment will
knock him out by grabbing a heavy object and
whacking him on the back of the head.
Unfortunately, it’s probably some kind of sex toy.
More unfortunately, it’s probably Gloria doing it,
and now she’ll have ideas. Yeesh.
29
Chapter Three: God
Bless Us, Every One
“Have you ever been to Wales, Baldrick?” It’s early evening, and the year, if the meter on
the sleigh is to be trusted, is 1843. The date is
“No – But I’ve often thought I’d like to.”
December 24th.
“Don’t bother. You need half a pint of phlegm in Comet trots over through the snowy gloom. “All
your throat just to pronounce the place-names. done, Dasher. We’ve got tarps and brush over the
Never ask for directions in Wales, Baldrick; you’ll sleigh. Where should we Reindeer hide out? I don’t
be washing spit out of your hair for a fortnight.” think it’s best for us to wander around – we don’t look
much like horses.”
– Black Adder III
The PCs can suggest anything that they like, and
the Reindeer will probably accept it. The one thing
T
HE PCS BEGIN THIS CHAPTER high over that Dasher will insist on is that they keep some way
the English Channel, with the glittering lamps of communicating. “One way or another,” he says,
of Portsmouth passing slowly beneath them “there’ll probably come a time where you guys need
has they fly towards London. When they reach the sleigh pronto. There’s no telling what Santa’s up
London, Dasher will set the sleigh down in a small to here.”
park. He’ll say, “It’s snowing and foggy at the same “Yeah,” says Comet, “or even which Santa it is,
time. That’s the sleigh’s magic mixing with the local like.”
weather … I doubt that our approach was noticed.” Smart PCs will recall that, with Envy presumably
at the North Pole, and with Gluttony and Lust steam-
ing as corpses in the sleigh, that leaves four possible
suspects: Anger, Avarice, Sloth and Pride, better
known as Angry Santa, Avaricious Santa, Lazy Santa
and Stuck-Up Santa.
Let any necessary banter continue for a second,
and then read the following Groovy Boxed Text:
You can’t help but notice that the snow, which

was falling rather steadily, has now stalled in
your immediate area. Strangely enough, it still
seems to be snowing on the nearby streets! You
look around for whatever could be stopping the
snow from falling, and notice that an eerie green
glow is coming from behind a nearby tree – a
glowing green figure is trying to hide and watch
you. The glowing figure is that of an old man,
shackled and burdened with chains, cash-boxes,
and scrolls. His face is tired and miserable.
Jacob Marley bears the weight of chains he
forged through greed. He’s tired and miserable,
but awfully glad to see the PCs ...
30
Chapter 3: God Bless Us, Every One
31
This is the Ghost of Jacob Marley. He’ll seem very The Reindeer will encourage the PCs if they aren’t
nervous and sad. “Whhoooooooaaaahh!” he’ll say. entirely eager, pointing out that they seem to have
“Pleeeaase! I am the Ghooooooost of Jacob lucked into something important. Dasher will say
Marrrrrley, and I can see with the sight of a spirit that “The whole Scrooge story is a major Christmas
you are not from this wooorrld…” He’ll look left and image, the kind of thing Envy would want to under-
right. “And I need your help!” He can’t hold up those mine … and if Avaricious Santa is part of this caper,
extended vowels forever, but he’ll use them every he might be able to form some kind of unholy rapport
now and then to remind the PCs that he’s a ghost. with the old skinflint.”
Meanwhile, in the shadows and out of sight, a
tiny, evil figure watches and laughs …
e
JACOB MARLEY’S GHOST
Description: The “Jacob Marley” that the PC’s
encounter is a ghostly creation – a spirit summoned
Scrooge’s House
up by Tiny Tim from the primordial chaos to delay
Marley will take the PCs to Scrooge’s house, next
Avaricious Santa and manipulate the PCs. As far as
Jacob knows, though, he’s the genuine item, a for- door to his warehouse, his place of business. A worn,
mer partner of Ebenezer Scrooge, who wants to help flaking sign proclaims Scrooge and Marley: Skinflint
him avoid a terrible fate of endless tortured wander- Opportunist Bastards to all the world. Marley sighs
ing in the afterlife. Jacob hasn’t the slightest idea and drifts momentarily into a sentimental reverie.
that “Ebenezer” is actually Santa Claus, anymore
“That was our sign. We had such fun, foreclosing and
j
than he realizes that he isn’t Jacob Marley.

starving the poor saps to death.” A tear forms at the
Clichés: Ersatz Tortured Spirit (3), Financier (3) corner of his eye. “I’ve been dead these seven years,
and he hasn’t painted my name off the sign. I’d like to
think it’s out of friendship, but I know it’s because
Marley seems stricken with guilt. According to paint costs good money.”
him, he’s just come from the house of his old friend
and former business partner, Ebenezer Scrooge. “He
hates Christmas, you see. He is being very cruel to a
very nice family, the Cratchits. I only wanted to save
his soul from suffering a curse like my own …
Marley went into Scrooge’s house and promised
him that he would be visited by “three spirits” who
would help him fix his evil ways. “I’ve always been
one to exaggerate,” says Marley, hanging his glowing
head, “there are no spirits. Nobody in the spirit world
likes me enough to cooperate. I made it up.”
He looks at the PCs sadly, giving them that “help-
me-I’m-just-a-pathetic-non-player-character-and-I- At this point, he hands the Glo-CreemTM and the
don’t-write-this-stuff” look. Will the PCs help him? cheese to the PCs, who should put it on (the former,
Will they take on the role of his spirits? not the latter). He explains that the cheese works
Marley goes on to explain that it needn’t be just automatically, and just to trust it. “It’s good for three
three. In fact, [size of the party] would be a perfect bites!” he’ll say. “Bite it when you’ve got Ebenezer’s
number of ghosts. He’ll rummage through his cash- attention and it’ll give you all the ghostly power you
boxes and pull out several small items, including a jar neeeeed.” He waves, and goes to hide under a near-
of Glo-CreemTM (a non-toxic substance that, when by bush to watch.
spread all over somebody, makes them look ghostly). If the PCs look utterly confused, Marley will add:
He’ll also dig out a “magic piece of cheese.” And he’ll “Just show him his life – that will do the work for you!
whine and beg and be miserable and generally tor- If Ebenezer doesn’t see that Christmas is good, who
ment the hell out of the PCs until they agree to help knows what will become of Bob Cratchit and his fam-
him. ily? Who knows what will become of little Tiny Tim?”
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32
The Home of
Ebenezer scrooge
m
oo
b edr
Upstairs ground floor

garden
kitchen
entryway
Map Key The Kitchen: A small, coal-burning stove sits

here, and upon it sits a pot of cold gruel. The coal bin
See the map for the layout of Scrooge’s house. nearby has dust on it – Scrooge hardly bothers to use
The PCs can get in any way they please. An it (it’s wasteful). The PCs might notice, however, that
overview: the pot of gruel is generously large. Not Gluttonous
Doors: Both the front and garden doors are Santa large, but possibly Santa large, otherwise.
locked, but they can be picked with an easy (Difficulty Stairway: With every step, the stairs creak loud
5) roll with any sort of sneak-thief cliché. enough to strip paint off the walls. Fortunately, the
The Entryway: A short corridor with hooks in an walls are unpainted. Stealth in this area faces a mini-
alcove for hats and coats. Scrooge’s signature grey mum Difficulty 20 for any cliché that doesn’t provide
coat and top hat are hanging here. The PCs can tell for ignoring gravity or passing through solid matter.
from looking at the coat that they are dealing with a Scrooge’s Bedroom: A large, open room with a
robust, fat-cat “Sidney Greenstreet” sort of Scrooge, peaked ceiling. There’s a large bed surrounded by a
and not the emaciated Scrooge of some other por- curtain. A single window lets in plenty of bright
trayals. This might get them thinking. moonlight and creepy shadows cast by the falling
snow outside.
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33
If the PCs attack him anyway, he won’t fight back.

CRANBERRY DAIQUIRI The old man will just lie there and allow himself to be
1/2 cup fresh or frozen cranberries attacked, pleading for mercy. “Please, spirits! I will
accept these visitations for old Marley’s sake! Do not
c
1 1/2 oz. lime juice
2 oz. rum (light) harm me!”
2 tsp. Sugar
What’s Going On?

2 ice cubes, busted up a little
Antonio and Maria sent a few recipes in from their
b
stash; this is a favorite on creepy nights when you’re
in somebody else’s house, haunting them. Toss the
whole lot into a blender and blend until you’ve got
soup. Add a dash of cherry liqueur, if desired. Serve
in a chilled glass with a cherry and two straws. Even
Maria, a battle-hardened boozer if there ever was
It’s about time to bring you up to speed what’s
happening. You are the Game Master, after all (and if
you aren’t the Game Master, I won’t snitch, you
naughty cheater you). The PCs will discover most or
all of this stuff eventually, but it’s complicated enough
one, declares its level of tartness “unsettling.”
that you should be clear on all of it in advance:
a Ebenezer Scrooge is, in fact, Avaricious Santa
Sleeping on the bed is Ebenezer Scrooge – or is
Claus. He’s playing the part of Scrooge with the
it? The PCs can’t help but notice that this Ebenezer
PCs for one reason only – he hasn’t the slightest
Scrooge looks a lot like a Santa Claus … Chubby …
idea what the hell is going on. In that, he and the
white beard … hmm. However, far from being
PCs have something in common.
dressed in garish red, Ebenezer is dressed in a knee-
length white nightshirt and matching cap. He’s wak- a The British Isles are the home of yet another facet
ing up, and looking at the PCs fearfully: of Christmas. In this case, it is the various pagan
celebrations of the Winter Solstice as celebrated
by the Celts and Picts and so on during Roman
times. History tells us that the Romans let the
pagans keep their holidays; they just Christianized
them. That’s the main reason Christmas happens
when it does, in the wintertime.
a Historians don’t realize that there was a single,

unifying religion underlying all the antler-heads
and Yule logs and stuff. This forgotten, dark faith
was a cult dedicated to ancient evil from beyond
the stars – the extracosmic horror known as Dread
Cthistmas (Kuh-THISST-muss). Cthistmas is a
great, bloated red creature, shaped like a giant
green humanoid with a great “beard” of coiling
writhing tentacles. Unlike the rest of his body, the
tentacles are a sickly, pale white, as if they’ve
“Are you the spirits that Jacob Marley foretold?” never been exposed to sunlight. He sends his
And so on. He’ll go on about roasting the poor in dreams to infect humanity, and humanity dreams
their own pudding, housing the homeless in prisons of dancing sugarplums as a result.
and hanging poor sentimental saps up by their own So you can see, then, why Envious Santa wants
ribbons and wreaths. Typical Scrooge-style bah-hum- this joker out of the picture. If anyone goes and finds
bugging. out that Santa’s look is somehow derivative of this
He doesn’t sound at all like Santa Claus. Not a tentacular proto-Santa, Envy’s plans for Christmas
single ho-ho. His voice is Scrooge’s voice, with domination are severely wounded (along with his
Scrooge’s accent. He seems to be … Ebenezer ego). Envy dispatched Angry Santa to scope out the
Scrooge. Who just happens to look all Santa-fied.
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34
destruction of all human life. The elder Cratchits are

unaware of this, and Avaricious Santa is unsure of it,
although he has his suspicions.
Then, the PCs arrived. Both Angry Santa (cur-
rently holed up in Wales) and Tiny Tim immediately
notice the ripple in the local fabric of magic. Quickly
improvising, Tiny Tim summoned up the muddle-
brained ghost of Jacob Marley in order to delay the
PCs a little – and to delay “Scrooge” at the same
time. Tim is a busy boy and doesn’t want people
meddling with him, and he thinks that, with a little
luck, the PCs and “Scrooge” might even kill each
other off, leaving he and the Dread Cthistmas cult to
destroy the world.
problem, and Angry discovered that the Cthistmas The good news is that his plan will backfire, if the
cult reached a peak in the 19th century, laired on an PCs are on their toes.
island in a remote lake in Wales called Loch Noël.
This was Envy’s very first mission assigned to one of
his subordinate Santas.
Here We Are As In
Something went wrong. Cthistmas is a being of Olden Days
great rage and destructive power, and Angry Santa
liked him. Anger fell in love with the basic, simple So here we have the PCs and Scrooge, with
Cthistmas goal of sleeping for a bit, waking up, and Scrooge playing along with the gag until he can learn
tearing the world to pieces. It appealed to his sense of more about who the PCs are and where they stand in
being righteously pissed off at everybody and every- relation to his mission. Eventually, somebody should
thing. Angry Santa liked Cthistmas so much he con- take a bite of cheese.
verted, turning his back angrily on Envy’s plans and
dedicating himself to the Cthistmas cult. First Bite: Christmas Past
Envy, realizing that he had made a poor choice in
sending Anger to deal with Cthistmas, dispatched When a PC raises the cheese to bite it, Avaricious
Avarice immediately, and vowed that he’d send the Santa will immediately recognize it, and his eyes will
Santas out in pairs from then on. grow wide with terror. “Noooooooo!” he’ll shout in
slow motion, as the PC’s teeth rip through the cheese
Avarice, having a sense of humor, remembered
in slightly less slow motion. The PCs won’t notice that
the story of Ebenezer Scrooge, and found that he
Scrooge is objecting until they’ve already tasted the
was, in fact, a real person, with Bob Cratchit and
magic cheese. The cheese summons Groovy Boxed
humbug and the whole thing. Delighted with this,
Text:
Avarice hogtied Scrooge, tossed him in an alleyway,
cast a spell on Bob Cratchit to fog his memory of
what he was supposed to look like, and set up his All of you, along with Ebenezer in his night-
base of operations. shirt, appear in the midst of a noisy party in
The high priest of the London Chapter of the what seems to be a warehouse. A large, musta-
Dread Cthistmas Cult is none other than Timothy chioed man dances drunkenly on a chair, and
“Tiny Tim” Cratchit. Tiny Tim is physically weak and a dozen or more of his young employees caper
unable to walk without crutches … but he’s not lame around him merrily. In a dark corner of the
because of poverty and poor medical attention. He’s room, a thin, sullen young man sits talking with
lame because he’s bargained with his health for more a very pretty girl. Ebenezer looks to you, sighs,
evil magic power. Tim is a powerful sorcerer, dedicat- and waits.
ed to the awakening of Dread Cthistmas and the
34
35
Second Bite: Christmas Present

After the dumping scene has occurred, the cheese
will work again. Scrooge-Santa watches carefully and
nervously as the PCs again bite the cheese, releasing
more Groovy Boxed Text from deep within it:
The scene shifts to a dark London street, with

snow falling in slow, artificial flurries. A tiny,
run-down house stands in front of you, and
light shines from the windows. This is the house
of Bob Cratchit and his family.
Everyone thought kindly of old Fezziwig, and Again, the PCs should know the drill: Scrooge is
never had the heart to tell him he danced like a supposed to look in the windows. He’s supposed to
palsied Dervish with a badger biting his gonads. see the Cratchits joyously and gratefully sharing a
turkey the size of a used pencil-eraser. Then, he’s sup-
This is the chief “Christmas Past” scene from A posed to want to go inside, to hear them speaking,
Christmas Carol, more or less. The place is Fezziwig’s where he’ll hear poor Bob Cratchit raising a toast to
Warehouse, where Scrooge worked as a young man. Scrooge as “the founder of the feast” despite his boss’
The skinny guy is young Scrooge, and the pretty girl cruelty. As if that isn’t gut-wrenching enough, it should
is Isabel (or just “Belle”), his girlfriend. There’s a also be revealed that young Tiny Tim, though sick
Christsmas party going on in the background, and and due to die if daddy doesn’t get a raise, is as
Fezziwig and his wife are dancing up a storm. Those happy and grateful as any of them.
PCs that have seen the movie(s), read the book, seen But it doesn’t happen that way, this time. Not
the plays, heard the radio dramas and so on should exactly, anyway.
know this scene well – it’s where Isabel dumps young Scrooge (with or without prompting from the PCs)
Scrooge. If the PCs are sharp enough to recognize looks in the window, sees the scene, and wants to go
what’s happening, they should lead Ebenezer over to inside. Let the PCs start their scolding speech about
watch his younger self being dumped. Isabel will go his wicked ways and how the Cratchits enjoy
on about how Scrooge cares for nothing but money Christmas despite their lack of wealth, if they remem-
and how he used to be such a nice guy and a good ber to make one.
kisser and all. Point out, at some point, that Scrooge has just
The PCs might also notice that young Ebenezer wandered off upstairs somewhere.
really is quite thin. The PCs are free to explore the house. They’re
Scrooge-Santa, through all of this, will try hard to ghosts here, though, and can’t physically interact with
keep up the Scrooge act, saying things like. “No, spir- anything or make themselves heard. They’ll find
its! Torment me no longer with this bitter memory! I Scrooge chuckling to himself in Tiny Tim’s tiny bed-
cannot bear it! Have I not seen enough?” and so on. room. Scrooge’s eyes are fixed on a large book lying
He also tries to suck in his gut to convince the PCs open on a stack of others. He’ll turn to the PCs and
that he’s Scrooge. Cruel Game Masters can have a smile.
good time by having “Scrooge” correcting the PCs on “Oh, ho-ho-HO!,” he shouts! “That fool! I’ve sus-
details of “his” past. Santa Claus, after all, knows pected that lame little snot for a while now, and this
every Christmas story back-to-front, and he’s starting proves it!” he points at the book. “Check that action
to suspect the truth – that he (fake Scrooge) is being out, spirits.”
tormented by fake ghosts. He’ll hold out, however, for
the next scene.
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36
The book is a Weirdass Evil Magic Book (3) and If the PCs tell him about Jacob Marley’s request,
immediately attacks the mind of the first character he’ll realize that they’re dupes of Tiny Tim, not his
who takes a peek. Strange, contorted images of vacu- agents. He’ll happily ally with them against Tiny Tim,
um cleaners, sardine cans, and duty-free ironing since at that point he’ll recognize them as adventurer-
boards swim and form menacing Christmas gift pack- types from beyond time and space.
ages! Red boxes of cheese wheels and summer If the PCs tell him about the reindeer and the
sausages collide with wreaths and sleigh and wanting to assassinate him, he’ll be
cologne samples in such a way shocked. “I’m shocked,” he’ll say. “Am I to under-
that makes ordinary geometry stand that you want to kill me? Kill Santa Claus?
and logic jump out of your left Have you not profited from my duty-free annual
ear and order a pizza! And gift deliveries?” (He’s Avarice; he thinks in those
that’s just the pictures, man! terms)
If the book wins, the PC is Aim for peace. No matter what Avarice
reduced to dribbling inanely and learns, he doesn’t want to fight the PCs … not
poking at his own forehead for a here and now, anyway. He’ll propose the fol-
while. If the PC wins, the other lowing in a deep, jolly Santa Claus tone:
PCs can look at the book safely – “I’ll tell you what. Right now, thanks to
but still not learn much from the that magic cheese (ho-ho), we are trapped
bizarre thing. in a pocket dimension created by Tiny Tim
Santa pulls an enormous revolver … I therefore propose that we seek peace together,
from under his nightcoat and levels it until which time we can escape and rid the world of
at the PCs. “I know you work for Tiny the rogue Angry Santa. We both want him fragged,
Tim. Who are you? What’s your connection to all albeit for different reasons … and I know a lot more
this?” about him than you do. Am I right? Ho, ho, ho! Of
There’s no telling what the PCs might do, so let’s course I’m right! And I know that good little boys and
just go over the particulars of what’s going on: girls can tell a good deal when they see one!
a Avaricious Santa, as we’ve noted before, is here The PCs are likely to ask what happens after that,
trying to find Angry Santa (who’s gone rogue) once Angry Santa has been dealt with. Avarice will
and the Dread Cthistmas Cult. He’s been eyeing reply “Well, that’s a problem we can table for a later
Tiny Tim as a link to both of them, and he’s right. discussion. I want Cthistmas destroyed to please
Envious Santa … you want Cthistmas preserved to
a The book clinches it, and he’s laughing because maintain the state of Christmas as it is. You want me
he thinks that Tiny Tim made an error in letting dead … I, understandably, prefer to live. We have
him see it. only two disagreements, then, and I think we’re all
adult enough to handle them when the time comes.
a Little does Santa realize that the book was placed But that time isn’t now, ho-ho.”
there by Cumberland Games & Diversions to pro-
vide a cheap plot hook. NPCs are like putty in our
hands.
THE SHINY NOSE
a Santa doesn’t know who the PCs really are, does- 1 oz. cherry liqueur
d
n’t know what they’re up to and doesn’t know 1 oz. Grenadine
about anything that’s happened in New York. 1 oz. cinnamon schnapps
He’s been busy here in London. Antonio’s personal favorite “candy drink” at the
holidays, and ideal for relaxing in pocket dimen-
The goal should be a semi-reasonable exchange
sions. He recommends this to any undecided cus-
of facts. Whether it happens before, after, or during a tomer for exactly that reason. Shake with ice and
fight scene isn’t that important, but Avarice is willing serve straight up. Garnish with a chewy “cinnamon
to tell much of what he knows if the PCs are willing to bear” impaled cruelly on a toothpick.
do the same.
36
37
The characters are trapped in a phantasm. If they

run through the “streets of London” that seem to be DARK SPAWN OF SHUB-TANNENBAUM
outside the house, they’ll run and run and end up Description: Hideous slimy creatures in the shape of
back where they started. Kind of like Carl Sagan’s fleshy Christmas trees, these conical entities have
“two-dimensional doofus on a sphere” analogy for hundreds of glittering multicolored eyes, glowing
the four-dimensional shape of the cosmos. Or one of stars at the tops of their bodies and shiny silver globs
hanging off the green folds of their flesh. The spawn
those tessaract thingies. The only way out of the attack with a flurry of boughs, each dripping with
Cratchits’ home is (you guessed it!) to eat the last of deadly Space Acid. They can also lob the silver, acid-
the cheese. Santa remarks, disgustedly “it’ll summon filled globs a reasonable distance. Many weapons
h
more boxed text. I hate that stuff.” goop right through them, so they’re very dangerous,
especially in large numbers.
Third Time’s the Charm: Clichés: Hideously Fleshy and Festive Monster (3)
Christmas Future and/or Grunt Squad (ranging from 6 to 10 dice).
The Groovy Boxed Text appears when someone Scary little buggers, aren’t they? This particular
eats the last bit of cheese: clump is a very dangerous Grunt Squad (8). Santa will
raise his revolver to fight, but he struggles with himself
There is a cold swirling of snow and sparkling re the cost: profit ratio of using the bullets at this junc-
light, fading to thick, gloomy darkness. You are ture. For the first round, the PCs will
in a graveyard, standing amid dead leaves in a fight the horrors alone. For all
terrible chill. An icy fog clings to the tomb- remaining rounds, Santa
stones, and to nearby yawning graves, and to joins in.
the madly twisted branches of black trees. As if the horrid, fleshy
Christmas trees weren’t
The tombstone nearest you was once enough, the PCs are fighting
engraved Ebenezer Scrooge, but in an old graveyard, with
that’s been clawed to ruin, and many of its own hazards.
replaced with a jagged Avaricious Any time during the
Santa Claus and Some Meddling fight that a PC or Santa
Idiots. Santa looks around “Doesn’t Claus rolls a pair in
look good,” he says, brandishing his their dice (for example,
revolver defensively. if three dice come up
5/5/2, that’s a pair of
fives), consult the
Out of the fog, shapes shamble. Graveyard Combat
Ten shapes. Christmas trees … but not Trouble table (next
Christmas trees. Avarice recognizes page) to see what
them immediately, and grimly happens to that
names them: the Dark Spawn of character.
Shub-Tannenbaum. They advance, After the fight,
their hundreds of eyes twinkling the PCs will notice
colorfully in the dark, their “star that the “Ebenezer
organ” shining grimly in the Scrooge” grave is open,
mist, their horrible silver acid and it forms a gateway to
bulbs reflecting their deadly the London park where the rein-
purpose. AAAAAGHH! Before deer are keeping the sleigh. The gateway
it’s too late! Read their stats right now! is fading fast … but of course, it won’t actually
seal itself until the last minute.
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38
All of the other Reindeer (and Santa, for that mat-

GRAVEYARD COMBAT TROUBLE (1D6) ter) looks at Blitzen with an expression of mild confu-
1 – The character gets lost in the fog. Each turn he sion. “Sorry,” says Blitzen. “I meant, ah, what should
must try to beat a Difficulty 10 with his most “intelli- we do with him?” This is why Dasher is the leader. To
gent” cliché (or any cliché that implies tracking or carry this point a bit further, Dasher smacks Blitzen.
navigating). If he succeeds, he re-enters the fray. If
The PCs should become worried that every NPC
he fails, he must instead make a fresh roll on this
suddenly seems to have firearms. If they ask why this
i
table.
is so, simply smile and say “It’s Christmas!”
2 – The character stumbles backward into an open
The reindeer are – understandably – uncomfort-
grave, taking a one-die smack of injury to whatever
cliché he was using when he rolled the pair. able about the truce. Maybe the PCs, are, too. It’s not
Climbing out is Difficulty 10 for any athletic cliché, crucial that the PCs ally with Avarice. It’s just cool if
Difficulty 12-20 for less physical ones. they do. He gets a good death scene later on and
he’ll be a big help with Angry Santa. If the PCs can’t
3 – As above, but the grave contains a zombie (in
keeping with the season, it’s wearing a Santa hat). It help but kill him now, though, such is the way of
has the cliché Zombie (2) and wants to eat the char- things. Don’t enforce the truce; just let them see that
b
acter, brains first. it’s a good idea, at least for now. But even with
Avarice dead, they can still find Loch Noël and deal
4-5 – The character trips on a tree root and falls
onto a Dark Spawn, knocking it into a nearby grave with Angry Santa on their own. The text will assume
where a very hungry zombie immediately eats it. The the PCs are being cool and keeping peace with
Dark Spawn horde loses a die from their Grunt Avarice, but it’s easy to erase him from the picture if
Squad cliché. The character takes a one-die injury that’s not the case.
from bursting some of the Dark Spawn’s acid bulbs.
6 – The character trips on a tree root, falls onto a

Dark Spawn, and takes a one-die injury. The Dark
Spawn knocks into another Dark Spawn, which
f
knocks into another Dark Spawn, which knocks into

another Player Character, delivering a one-die injury
to him. That PC stumbles back, knocking into anoth-
er random PC, shoving that PC into a grave with a
zombie in it.
Peace On Earth
The gateway deposits everyone roughly onto the
ground back in London. As the PCs wearily stand to Journey to Loch Noël
brush themselves off, they hear a yelp from Avarice
The tiny village and lake known as Loch Noël
and the sound of several automatic weapons clicking
appear only on the oldest maps of the Welsh country-
and clattering into potentially violent positions.
side. It is a tiny place, hidden away just north of
Dasher and the others have immediately tackled
Pfwidian Thrythiormythl, the famous Welsh township
Santa and (armed with a stash of weapons nobody
wherein Lylidyth Lolyphronid felled the Methlalythfion
noticed before in the trunk of the sleigh) have him at
tree with a clay mallet.
gunpoint. Santa’s eyes are bugged out about three
feet and Comet has his right forehoof planted directly Fortunately, Santa Claus knows the way – this is
in the big guy’s gut. another good reason to hold off on killing him. He
can guide the sleigh expertly if the PCs let him, cover-
Blitzen, tossing the bullets from Santa’s revolver
ing the 160 odd miles between London and Loch
into the bushes, shouts to the party “Hey! We got ‘im
Noël in just under 40 minutes. The PCs will probably
fellas! Want we should bump him off right now, or just
insist on keeping a gun at his head for the whole trip,
kill him?”
but he’s a good-natured greedy scumbag and doesn’t
38
39
complain much. Before the end of this paragraph, the eyes and celebrating the rise of Dread Cthistmas! For
PCs are coming in low over the hills of every ten minutes of real-time that the PCs annoy
Llawfflewphydriafflodd. you by wandering into the woods for no real reason,
Santa brings the sleigh down toward the woods roll 1d6. That’s how high you should count before
just north of Loch Noël village, and there’s trouble tossing a few Dark Spawn at them, if you think they’d
immediately. Everyone must beat a Difficulty 10 with enjoy another tussle. If you want, you can even use
their most athletic cliché, or fall out of the sleigh as it the graveyard table again, substituting “unseen rift
suddenly dips violently toward the ground – the sleigh under the snow” for “grave.” The zombies are still
doesn’t work over the Loch. Santa pulls up in time there, of course. If you think more Dark Spawn would
and clears dry land for a rough landing in the snow. just be a tedious sidetrack, keep them as a distant,
Any PC who falls, falls right into the icy waters (this visible menace in the darkness, and allow the PCs to
could be bad). This serves to establish that the lake is sneak past them with some easy rolls.
dangerously magical, and that the PCs will need to The Llongwey Road: Anyone following this
find another way across the dark water. road for about 50 miles to the southwest will eventu-
ally hit the Carmarthen Bay at the town of Llanelly.
Loch Noël Map Key Anyone following this road for about 50 miles is also
a certified loon, ‘cause it isn’t very interesting and
The Forest Ryllyawfl: These deep woods are doesn’t have anything to do with Angry Santa.
dangerous. While the landscape is rocky hills with Loch Noël Village: Less a village than a single
many small streams, rifts, and sudden drops, much is wooden pier and half-dozen lonely houses, nobody
concealed by the two-foot plus snowfall (and more would notice if the village were wiped from the map.
snow is, of course, coming down even now). More to Most maps don’t include it to begin with. The villagers
the point, the woods are full of wandering Dark are quiet folk who raise pigs and cut wood and fish in
Spawn of Shub-Tannenbaum, blinking their colorful the lake and do all that sort of thing. The animals are
very skittish tonight, if the PCs break into a barn to
check. One thing that the PCs WILL notice, without
fail, is that every house is heavily decorated for the
yawfl holiday, and the glittering lights of a Christmas tree
t ryll
fores
can be seen in each house’s window. The villagers
don’t do this to celebrate – the do it to placate the evil
spirits of the forest and the lake, for truly the “spirit of
Christmas” dwells here – the spirit of Cthistmas!
Loch Noël: The lake itself, named by a lost
village Scottish explorer, Conall MacMuirDonagall, is a still,
isle of deep, and icy-cold lake. The fish that the villagers
shub-tannenbaum draw from it have large, bulbous eyes and blue skin,
and the water itself is never clear. The spirit of
Cthistmas stirs restlessly tonight, for its power will
reach its peak at midnight! At the village dock, a sin-
Loch Noel
:
gle mid-sized fishing boat (just large enough for the

PCs and Avaricious Santa) bobs gently on the black
water. The Reindeer can sort of halfway fly over the
lake, but it’s treacherous and they’d rather not mess
with it.
ey The Isle of Shub-Tannenbaum: From the
w
o ng shores of the lake, the PCs can just make out an
Ll island. This is where all the big stuff is happening, and
we’ll cover it in a minute.
39
40
Miles to Go The PCs can deal with Ffallwell and the village
however they please. If it amuses, they can find hid-
Before They den basements and cannibal cookbooks by searching

the houses, or they can romp in the woods with more
Sleep Spawn, or whatever. Improvise wacky villagers for as
long as you can have fun with it. Eventually, the PCs
As the PCs disembark from will notice that bright, multicolored lights are reflecting
the sleigh, they’ll notice, in addition to on clouds and snow above the island. Something is
the details mentioned above, that the win- happening out there.
dows of the village are all filled with fearful,
staring faces. If the PCs enter the village, one
of the men, Ffallwell, will come out of his house hold-
It Came Upon
ing an ancient, rusted blunderbuss and ask the party a Midnight Clear
their business in a thick accent.
Ffallwell has heard many strange sounds from the On the snow-covered island, the PCs can ditch
lake this evening, and he’s really on edge. That, and the boat and move in towards the flashing lights and
the kids have been down with the flu, the wife’s been noises. When the PCs get close enough, read the
kind of distant lately – he’s having a bad week, and Groovy Boxed Text:
he’s eager to take it out on the PCs. He owns the
boat. You peer out across a brightly-lit clearing in the
If the PCs are very, very nice to him and perhaps evergreens, illuminated in throbbing, changing
give him some sort of bribe (one of the Reindeers’ colors by a gigantic circular ring of Christmas
automatic weapons would do), he’ll tell them about bulbs. Each bulb is larger than a man, and the
the noises he’s heard. He’ll be willing to rent them the circle of lights surrounds a massive stone altar,
boat. He’ll peer suspiciously at Avaricious Santa, as if
on which you see the form of kind, foolish Bob
he’s seen him before.
Cratchit, his wife, his two daughters and one of
his sons. They’re bound and gagged. The final
THE MINT MONSTER Cratchit looms above them on crutches, slowly
g
Description: This is a gigantic, hostile albino squid,

waving a holly wreath and shouting long
covered in “peppermint” candy-stripes. It serves only chants of tongue-twisting Welsh gibberish into
as a gratuitous source of random violence, lurking in the falling snow. The gibberish is doing some-
Loch Noël if the GM needs to pad out the session thing. The ground trembles.
with more fights.
Clichés: Gratuitous Source of Random Violence (6), Gathered around the altar are more of the
Gratuitous Source of Even More Random Violence if fleshy Christmas-tree beasts, and also many
the Other Cliché Takes Lots of Damage (5), humans, dressed in simple robes painted to
Gratuitous Source of Relatively Pathetic Resistance
When All Else Fails (1).
look like Santa suits. Many of them writhe on
e
the ground, impressing their images into the

snow in the form of “snow angels,” which
seems to be an important part of the ritual.
NOTE: If you think that these Mock-Welsh words are
a bit extreme, find a good map of Wales or a Welsh One man, a sinister, bloated, jolly man –
j
dictionary. Even a simple atlas will reveal such gen- stands over them, leading outer ring of cultists
uine humdingers as “Merthyr Tydfil,” “Pwllhell” and
“Aberystwyth.” This is why Welshmen fail to notice
in a chant. Santa Claus. Angry Santa Claus –
the arcane chants used to summon and bind entities and, with one look at the glint of utter, destruc-
like Cthistmas and the Dark Spawn of Shub- tive madness in his eyes, you can see that he
Tannenbaum – it just sounds like ordinary Welsh. earns that title.
40
41
This is, of course, Dread

Cthistmas himself. What are the
chances that the PCs remember
that their job is to rescue Dread
Cthistmas from Avaricious
Santa? Yes, it’s all
very cruel. As you
The count of foes is enormous, but only can imagine,
Angry Santa and Tiny Tim stand out as indi- Dread Cthistmas
viduals. The remaining mass of cultists and isn’t grateful,
Spawn are a single Grunt Squad (10). doesn’t care, and
…Unless it occurs to the PCs to wants to eat them.
unscrew/shoot/kick one of the giant light bulbs. Basically, everyone pres-
Naturally, taking out a single bulb makes the ent is bent on the destruction
whole circle flicker into darkness! This will of the PCs at this stage … Angry
cause chaos, and reduce the Grunt Squad Santa wants to kill ‘em, Tiny Tim wants to kill ‘em,
to half-dice, instantly. Avaricous Santa doesn’t want to kill ‘em but he real-
The bulbs are a bit warm to the izes that now is the correct time to do so, and any
touch, though. Careful. The Cratchits remaining portions of the cult-mob want to
aren’t part of the fight; they’re just going kill ‘em too. Angry Santa is actually so
“Mmph! Mmmph!” until somebody angry that he wants to kill ‘em and tear
unties and/or ungags them. them to pieces and then stomp on the
pieces and then maybe spit on the
As soon as either of the Santas
pieces and then maybe yell at the pieces.
gets close to being defeated, some-
thing interrupts the fight. Specifically, There’s good news, though. The magic
some Groovy Boxed Text interrupts the fight: of the lake is all drawn to this spot. The Reindeer can
fly over the lake safely now, and they’re realizing that.
There’s other good news. At the last minute, if the
A deep crack and rumble can be heard within PCs need it, Avaricious Santa will sacrifice his own
the guts of the island, the trembling trees scatter life to save them, because they actually succeeded in
a fresh blizzard into the air, and the altar cracks
in two and falls into a steaming rift!
DREAD CTHISTMAS
a
If the Cratchits were still on the altar … oopsie. Description: Dread Cthistmas is an ancient cosmic
Scream, echo, scream, echo, crunch, gulp. Either way: evil, an alien entity from the vicinity of
Aldeberan, waiting in a bored sleep at the bot-
tom of Loch Noël for his destined time of
Out of the crevice rises a bloated red creature, a earthly rule. He invades man’s subconscious in
terrifying figure a hundred feet tall. It stands like dreams, particularly those of a sensitive or del-
a large man, with a great writhing beard of icate nature, whispering the sounds of alien
Silver Bells and the smells of bleak, unearthly
white tentacles. A great and terrible laugh rings eggnog into their brains. His image, that of a
out, a mighty HoOoO! … HoOoO! … great bloated humanoid with a “beard” of
HoOoO!, and the dread alien god looks tentacles, provides the basis for the modern
down upon the island, and at you. It is clear “Coca-Cola” Santa Claus. He burps a lot
and turns those he doesn’t like into snails.
i
from the look in his non-Euclidean eyes that he
“Mpadhwglui Noël! Shub-tannenbaum!”
is pissed. He points at the snow-angels, disrupt-
ed by the recent battle. “The Angels!” he Clichés: Elder Dark Sorcerer (6), Big Whoppin’
shouts, his voice flattening trees. “The Monster (6), Sh’nath Claugh Gwyrth’lesh (3)
Angels are ALL WRONG!”
41
42
In Fields Where They Lay

Avaricious Santa, in the aftermath of the final
combat scene, will lie dying on a snowy rock.
Earthquakes and explosions are destroying the island.
Dread Cthistmas, once defeated, becomes a cloying
red mist and sinks back into the depths of the Earth
where he belongs. As the lake begins to boil, the
nearby villagers emerge to collect the resultant teems
of floating fish.
Avaricious Santa beckons to one of the PCs, and
whispers his final, dying Groovy Boxed Text:
“I see now that my evil ways were wrong. I

promise now to keep Christmas all the year
round. Or at least for the next fourteen seconds
until I expire. If only I could somehow manage
Little-known trivia among mathematicians: a proper apology! Perhaps I could give you all
Euclid hated doing this.
a new space cruiser for Christmas, or some ulti-
mate weapons, or irresistible sex appeal … no
performing the mission of the Three Ghosts of
… no, none of those would be good enough.”
Christmas: they’ve demonstrated to their “Ebenezer
Scrooge” that greed isn’t good.
So, between the reindeer cavalry and the wild
Insert sound of PCs protesting: “No! Really! That
card “Scrooge,” the PCs can probably pull out of this
would be okay!”
alive. Any PCs defeated in mid-fight will be tossed
onto the snow to be eaten in just a moment … So as
long as at least one of the PCs emerges alive, all of “Wait! (choke) Ho! Ho! (Gasp!) Ho! I can thank
them will. you! I can help you! The great coup – you must
But don’t let them know all that. Keep it scary. stop it! You must travel to … Jerusalem! The
first (cough) Noël ! The … first … Noël …”
TINY TIM
d
Description: Tiny Tim, the pathetic sympathy-sucker And then he’s gone.
from the pages of Dickens’ classic A Christmas Carol, The Reindeer yell for the
limping sadly and yet still full of love for his family
and all the world, is a far, far cry from the Tiny Tim PCs to grab the body.
that actually existed. They’ve got a sleigh
to catch.
Much like Dickens’ representation of him, Tiny Tim is
a very small boy in ill health, forced to use a wooden
crutch to move about. This condition, however, is not
the result of a frail constitution and an inadequate
diet. Like many other evil wizards, his physical infir-
mity is the result of deals with demonic alien beings,
h
exchanging his life-force for greater magic power –

and he got it.
c
Clichés: Pitiful Waif (3), Eldritch Sorcerer (6), Ukulele

Player (1), Charismatic Cult Leader (3)
42
Chapter Four: Away
In A Manger
“One day, God said, this is what I will do. I’ll send ering presents, the snow is melted and forming a
down my son, I’ll send him to you, to clear up cloud somewhere over Athens. The reindeer lack that
this humpity bumpity hullabaloo. His name will much skill with Christmas Magic.
be Christ and he’ll never wear shoes. And his “Don’t worry,” says Dasher into his harness mike.
pals will all call him the King of the Jews.” “The snow will stop when we land – and look!
– “The Dr. Seuss Bible” There’s Jerusalem!” The PCs can make out, amid val-
The Kids in the Hall leys slowly filling with snow, a large walled town built
on a rocky hill. It’s evening, and the PCs can barely
make out the torches and lamps of the city through
T
he first thing the PCs notice as they speed the snow. They can amuse themselves thinking of the
over the land of Judea is: it’s snowing. On the reaction in the streets at this time. They can almost
other hand, it’s been snowing continually since hear the watchmen calling out to one another on
the adventure got underway. It was snowing at Jerusalem’s walls.
Antonio’s when the reindeer arrived, it was snowing
in New York, it was snowing in London, it was snow-
ing in Wales, and it’s snowing here. It’s part of the
RISUS Makes
sleigh’s magic. But … heavy snow draws a lot of
attention when you bring it into (to pick a location at
Baby Jesus Cry
random) Roman-occupied Judea at the height of The PCs have only a few hard facts to work with
spring. Jerusalem gets snow every few years, but only here. They can guess that the pair of Santas working
in the wintertime and never this heavy. This will strike Jerusalem are the two remaining, non-Envious Santa
the entire city as bizarre. Clauses – “Stuck Up” and “Lazy” Santa, the Santas
Santa brings snow here every Christmas Eve, but epitomizing Pride and Sloth. According to the meter
Santa can manipulate the sleigh’s magic to warp time on the Magic Sleigh, they have arrived in the early
and soften memories, so by the time he’s done deliv- spring, 6 B.C. – one night before Christ’s birth.
Envy has been consistent. He wants to destroy
e
anything Christmassy that isn’t Clauseian. Jesus quali-

FAMOUS PEOPLE SORT-OF-NAMED- fies. So the PCs will probably realize that they have
AFTER-JESUS WHO DO NOT
APPEAR IN THIS ADVENTURE
i
Emmanuel de Grouchy, who screwed up Waterloo
Emmanuel Lewis, former child star

j
Emmanuelle, as portrayed by Sylvia Kristel
Manuel Noriega, Panamanian drug dealer
Victor Emmanuel II, first King of Italy
Edward G. Robinson – a tough guy, see? Yeah.
43
Chapter 4: Away in a Manger
44
two clear goals: to find and protect Mary and Joseph

and the kid – when the kid shows up, that is – and to GAMING IS EDUCATIONAL!
find and neutralize the efforts of Lazy and Stuck-Up Contrary to the playful reports of historians and lin-
g
Santa. guists eager for a laugh at our expense, languages
It may also occur to them that Lazy Santa proba- like Aramaic and Hebrew (let alone Greek, Coptic,
etc) weren’t commonly spoken or written in biblical
bly won’t be the most difficult part of the job. They’d
times. The Jerusalem locals all speak English, but
be right about that. with lots of “thee” and “thine” and “didst thou” and
Dasher flies the sleigh in, bells-a-ringing, onto the
f
“yea, verily” thrown in as regional slang. The
Mount of Olives, just to the east of the city. Over the Romans speak English, too, but with vaguely British
accents and without the amusing local slang.
deep Kidron Valley, the PCs can make out the east
wall of the town, and the long stairway leading up to
the Ashpot Gate. Lay a heavy sense of the relative
Rath, having never encountered a reindeer, let
holiness of the place on them. The illusion will be
alone a talking reindeer, swoons and falls to the
shattered in just a second.
ground. He’s conscious but stunned.
Hero Worship Rath is an ordinary man with Nervous But Highly

Spiritual Carpenter (3). If the PCs are really cruel,
they could probably manipulate the poor sap into
As the PCs recover from the rough landing (the thinking just about anything. Once he calms down,
terrain is rocky under the snow, and they’ve half- Rath will be happy to tell them a little about the city
crashed into an olive grove), they notice an odd little and other everyday matters, if asked, but he’ll be star-
man dancing gleefully toward the sleigh. Read the fol- tled that such obviously celestial beings aren’t omnis-
lowing Groovy Boxed Text: cient.
He’ll also speak of recent strange events, of which
About 10 yards from the sleigh, dancing the PCs are only the most recent. “First,” he’ll say,
strangely and making “whoop! whoop!” noises, “we hath seen that big, weird (yea, verily) star in the
is a very odd little man. He’s dressed in local sky, and then those strangers at the temple, and now
garb – a single linen body-shirt and sandals. He this! A visitation!”
eagerly dances toward the sleigh, and throws The PCs should immediately realize that the
himself face down onto the ground before all of “star” Rath refers to must be the “star of Bethlehem”
you. You make out an audible Crack! as his that helped guide kings and wise men to the birth of
face hits the rock. Christ. Owing to the cloud-cover produced by the
sleigh to make it snow, it isn’t currently visible, but
“Oh, strange visitors from the sky! You have there is a spot in the clouds where a persistent light
delivered unto me snow in the springtime, and creates a noticeable glow.
now do arrive in the guise of foreigners in a The PCs might be curious about the “strangers at
chariot drawn by strange beasts! Have mercy the temple.” For that, Rath has a tale too tell:
upon me! Please, are you devils? Are you
angels? Are you sent unto us as prophets? Have
mercy, please! It did come to pass early this afternoon, that I
and my wife, Adra, and my sons, Mithshak and
Rolah, sons of Rath of Jerusalem, son of
The man’s name is Rath Bel-Gilrath, a simple car- Abraleth, son of Mothtor the extremely wise,
penter from Jerusalem. When the snow started falling son of Berah, son of Jake, son of Giddy-Lath-
two hours ago (it precedes the sleigh by two hours so Rolah, son of Erioch, son of Zarapeth, son of
the sleigh has something to land on), he saw that it Abinidab, son of the four brothers of Leth-
was a miracle and ran out to the Mount of Olives. Bazuel, son of Abijah, son of Dreses and Guna,
son of …
“That poor guy,” says Dasher, “is scared fewmet-
less.”
44
45
Entering The City

It’s a long walk down the hill and then up it again
to the Ashpot Gate at the southeast corner of the city
(follow along on the map). When they climb the long
flights of stone steps, they find a simple archway and
tower set into the fairly short stone walls. Beyond it,
the City of David (the “lower city”) stretches out, and
the streets climb a hill to the north and west, leading
to the Upper City. In the distance, they can see the
walls surrounding the Temple of King Herod.
At the gate, a single Roman guard greets the PCs,
and a small souvenir stand sells clay ashtrays and
pecan rolls. The centurion will eye the PCs suspi-
ciously – especially their bizarre clothing.
“Listen, you lot,” he’ll say. “I don’t care what you
dress like in private; I’ve seen it all back home, I
promise you. But we’ve got to keep some order on
the streets. I’ve seen too much today that’s weird, and
I can’t cope with you right now. See those torches?”
he points to a large sign proclaiming Heribab’s: We’ve
Got a Smock Just For You, then glares at them “go
dress yourselves properly and there won’t be any
trouble. There’s a good lad.”
If you think he rambles on now, ask him about Fortunately, the shop is open late into the
his 17th level Fighter sometime!
evening.
He’ll continue that portion of the story until the

PCs make him stop. Once they knock his needle back Heribab’s Smocks And
into the groove, he’ll apologize and continue:
Shrouds
It did come to pass early this afternoon, that I A small and convenient plot devices located near
and my family did verily go unto the Gentiles the Pool of Siloam at the Ashpot Gate. Heribab can
Court of the Temple of King Herod, journeying sell the PCs some local duds, but it’ll cost everyone
as we were to the north of the city to buyest 30 shekels each. What’s that? They have no shekels?
lumber for my craft. And there we did see five Heribab enjoys bartering, too (plus, see the sidebar if
strangers, men with clothes fashioned seemingly the PCs become obsessed with obtaining shekels).
of finest silver, and their heads were in a halo, He’ll take measurements and toss their old clothes
and they seemeth like angels! And the angels into a fire, humming cheerily and talking biblical the
did speak to the crowd in strange tongues, say- whole time. If the PCs don’t think to “talk biblical”
ing unto them “Hi! Where’s Christ at?” but we themselves, Heribab will look alarmed until they do.
knew not of Christ, and the angels, changing Unfortunately, Heribab has been busy lately and
their appearances to that of common men, he’s fresh out of ordinary linen smocks. All he has in
walked into the city and I seeth them no further! stock is the “oriental astrologer” look, and when the
PCs get dressed they’ll all look suspiciously like Wise
Men from the East. The clothes are very comfortable,
Then he’ll start doing the “mercy, have mercy” though; they’re baggy and shiny and can hide all
business all over again. sorts of things.
45
46
Heribab doesn’t know anything about Rath’s tale

of the “Angels,” and has no useful expertise beyond
2
clothing. If the PCs have a lot of questions, though,
he will recommend that they seek out a man named
Baana, who sells t-shirts on the north side of the
Court of Gentiles. “If thou dost seekest news of the
temple,” Heribab says, “Baana is
JERUSALEM
Circa When the PCs Show Up
6
thine best source for such wisdom, Give or Take a Century

although his T-shirts crappeth 7 4 5
mightily, if thy askest me.”
The RISUS 3
1 1
Guide to
Biblical
Jerusalem 10
Jerusalem sits in some

semi-grassy, rocky hills to the 8
west of the River Jordan in the land of
Judea. During Christ’s lifetime (assuming the PCs do 9
their job and he gets a lifetime), the city will double in 1
size, expanding rapidly out to the north and west.
Expansion to the south and east is impossible due to
the deep valleys there (like the one that the PCs just
crossed). Like any other city, it has cops (both local
men and a handful of Roman officers), its hoodlums,
He Enter
and its marketplaces. The streets are crowded, filthy,
sh
re-i
s
and bleached by the desert sun.
PC
The ruler of the city is a fat Idumean gentile
named King Herod, who, despite historical portrayals,
is a really nice guy who just happens to be the King of
Judea, Iturea, and Traconitis. He was appointed by Area 1 – The Hippodrome: A big stadium for
the Roman Senate more than 30 years ago, and he’s horse and chariot races. On weekends, it also features
spent most of his life and most of the royal fortune occasional gladiator contests for visiting Roman digni-
building theatres, a hippodrome, public swimming taries. If the PCs get caught doing something especial-
pools, roller-derby arenas, amusement parks, and so ly illegal, they might be sent here to fight for their
on to make himself look good to the people and give lives. Or they can just show up, watch the races, and
them a sense (a false one) of security, prosperity, and lay a few shekels on Dead Sea Biscuit in the fourth.
independence from Rome. His greatest expenditure Area 2 – Northern Markets: These are open
along these lines is the great Temple of King stretches of grass and sand in the undeveloped areas
Solomon, a theme-park quality re-creation of the orig- north of the city wall. There are small neighborhoods
inal temple that Solomon had 600 years ago. springing up, though, and the markets being edged
Unfortunately for King Herod, he looks almost out, with all the neighborhood bickering that entails. It’s
exactly like Santa Claus. We’ll deal with that shortly. currently like a vast flea market, where you can buy
Meanwhile, have a look at some of the important lumber, livestock, scratchy old LPs, comic books, and
points in the city. cheap Persian bobblehead dolls of famous Romans.
46
47
in the water. Bored Roman centurion lifeguards watch

GAMING IS EDUCATIONAL! over it and shout at the little brats to break the
a
Risus doesn’t usually bother mentioning specific monotony. Several shops nearby sell swimwear, if the
prices for things because money’s just this thing that PCs want to take a dip, join a water polo league, or
happens and stuff. Except when the PCs don’t have just work on some tan-lines.
b
any, and odds are they don’t have any Mock-Biblical
Area 6 – Sheep Market: Sheep are great for
currency to spend in Jerusalem.
wool, tasty chops, and a passable stew made with
Heribab’s fine with barter, and he may even be potatoes and lots of thyme. PCs may have other uses
impressed enough by the look of futuristic coinage to for them.
accept some if he can be convinced it contains pre-
cious metal. The local currency is mostly in shekels, Area 7 – Adam’s House of Ribs: The most
which are worth about a dollar, or bekahs, which are popular hangout for Jerusalem’s high-school and col-
half-shekels. Also, since King Herod answers to lege-age kids. It’s a fragrant and busy open-air food
Rome (no matter how much money he spends trying stall open late into the night, with a large dining patio
to make it look like he doesn’t), there’s a lot of
filled with long benches, usually pretty crowded.
Roman money around. The two most well-known
units of Roman currency (that is, the two I’ve learned There’s also a huge coal-pit, a sales counter, and then
about from watching movies) are the serterius (plural a private kitchen building. A large, colorful cloth
sesterces) and the denarius (plural denarii). There hangs on poles over the eating area, providing shade
are four sesterces to the denarius, and one denarius for customers. Big Adam and his crew run the place,
is about $5. If you want to do a Life of Brian joke
and have the “talent for an old ex-leper” routine,
and a large sign proclaims:
d
remember that a talent is a mass of metal used for
large mercantile exchanges. It’s around 56, 75, or
90 pounds depending on where the merchant hails
from and/or which historian you ask.
Yeah, I know. Just remember that a shekel is a dollar Bar-B-Q Feast!

h
and skip the rest.
How the PCs go about getting any of this stuff is up Pork Ribs! Lamb Ribs! Camel Ribs!
to them. I’m sure they have their little ways. You Want Ribs ?
Everyone Wants Ribs !
Area 3 – Crucifixion Sites: If the PCs do some ADAM HAS RIBS ! ! !
real nasty stuff, they’ll be sent here. They start their
long walk at the Praetorium Antonia, and end up on
the old cross here to get some sense nailed into them.
For the morbid, there are bleachers
******
and a snack bar.
Area 4 – Praetorium #1 Rib Basket: 4 Shekels
Antonia: This is a big #2 Big Man's Plate: 5 Shekels
barracks and fortress #3 All-U-Can Eat Ribs: 7 Shekels
where all of Herod’s Roman Wine: 1 Shekel cup, 8 Shekel pitcher
soldiers and the Roman
officers live. They hang All Rib Orders Come With
out here, being rude and
condescending to any visiting civil-
Choice of Fries or Slaw
ian scum. This is where the “cruci-
fix tour” begins.
Area 5 – Pool of Bethesda:
A huge public pool, this place is
The Ark of the Covenant contains some of the earli-
crowded all day with yelling kids
est writings on slaw. Not a lot of people realize that.
dunking each other and peeing
47
48
There’s a copy of this sign in the Player Handouts allowed here, and the place is always crowded with
(don’t get it confused with the very similar other sign both locals and tourists. Since it’s much quicker to cut
the PCs will discover later in this chapter). There’s across the huge court than walk around it in the city,
also a less amusing sign describing the catering servic- it’s become a kind of open marketplace. The kids
es. Big Adam is a nice guy, and he’ll serve the PCs hang out here when they aren’t scarfing down ribs at
cheerfully. He will fail to mention that he’s the leader Adam’s, since it amounts to the local equivalent of a
of a local cannibal cult unless asked. If the PCs visit mall. The high walls are nearly completed, and
and eat some ribs (and they should, oh yes they they’re already covered in advertising billboards, but
should) they’ll be given a promotional “bonus basket” are otherwise artfully dolled-up to give the impression
of mixed rib types. Describe them as excellent, as suc- of the good old days of King Solomon. Baana the
culent, as memorable. shirt-monger can be found near the north colonnades
in the daytime (see below).
The temple itself is less public. On the balustrade
surrounding the building are several warnings written
in both ordinary and biblical English, forbidding gen-
tiles and out-of-towners from entering the temple on
pain of death. It goes on to specify that said pain and
said death will be the fault of the offender, and not his
executioner. Nothing in the adventure as written hap-
pens inside the temple. But just in case: Within the
temple, the layers of forbidden areas get stickier. First,
you have the Court of Women (the last stop for any
Some happy Player Characters enjoying a gals), then the Court of Men (the last stop for non-
favorite local cuisine. The slaw’s good, too. holy men), and then the inner parts – the altars and
most-holy-chambers and other places where only cler-
Area 8 – Herod’s Palace and Towers: Just a gy are permitted. Rumors of a clergy-only all-night
big old stone structure with lots of guards, a chamber buffet persist. And just in case the clever PCs get any
or two, a throne-room sort of deal, and walls around strange tactical notions about it, the Ark of the
it. Herod used to live here. Santa Claus lives here, Covenant hasn’t been here for more than 600 years.
now, and one way or another, the PCs should end up Or so history tells us. The same “history” that doesn’t
here eventually. If the PCs bribe any of the guards remember that all these people speak English.
(none of whom are Romans), they will find out that
the King “hasn’t been himself, lately.” For other details
on this place, see page 50. Exploring Jerusalem
Area 9 – Tyropeon Street: The “Main Street”
When last we left our PCs (before the map key
of old Jerusalem, which begins at the Damascus Gate
muscled in), they had just dressed in “wise men” out-
at the city’s northwest corner, runs down to the side
fits and (speaking biblical all the way), trotted out the
of the temple complex, goes down a flight of stone
door of Heribab’s Smocks and Shrouds. They’re
steps, and then south through the City of David. It is
walking the Way of Cheesemongers in the City of
this southern stretch which is known as the Way of
David. This probably isn’t how they pictured their
the Cheesemongers.
evening when they walked into Antonio’s.
Area 10 – Xystus: This is a Greek exercise hall
There aren’t any NPCs leaping out of the plot to
– a sort of a yuppie health club for the biblical era.
accost them just now, so they’re free to explore and
They have a full stock of nautilus-style resistance gear,
look into any number of things. Probable courses of
free weights, a jogging track, and so on.
action include looking for Rath’s “angels,” searching
Area 11 – The Temple: This stands several for Santa directly, and seeking out Baana the shirt-
cubits above street level on “the temple mount,” and monger. Let the PCs enjoy the city and interact with
consists of two main parts. The first is the huge open the natives; see the sections below to help you impro-
court, known as the Court of Gentiles. Anybody is vise encounters based on what they’re seeking. The
48
49
long-term goal is to get them an audience with King

Herod (that’s Stuck-Up Santa Claus to you and me),
That You, Santy Claus?
but in the short term, they might get a taste of If the PCs ask if anybody has seen Santa Claus,
Adam’s Ribs, go for a swim in the Pool of Bethesda, by name, they will get one of the more pointless
get nailed to a cross, etc. replies from the “angels” table. If they describe Santa
Claus, someone will point at a nearby statue of King
Good Morning, Angels Herod (they’re all over the city). This should provide
sufficient hintage.
If the PCs ask a random passer-by about the
“angels” Rath Beth-Gilrath saw in the Court of
Gentiles, you can just make stuff up to hedge the PCs
Gold, Frankincense, and More
where you want to go, or you can roll 1d20 and let it Since the PCs are all dolled up as Wise Men, they
hedge them at random. If you get a repeated result, may decide to shop around for some myrrh and
use the result directly below it, and so on (thus ulti- frankincense and stuff and head directly to
mately hedging toward the final, more Roman Bethlehem. Because nothing says “happy birthday”
response): like the gift of resin.
It’s still a bit too early for Bethlehem. If they start
1-2 “He that hath knowledge spareth his words asking around for directions, it’s time for the agents of
and a man of understanding is of an excellent Stuck-Up Santa Claus to catch wind of their presence
spirit.” and send some soldiers around to “invite” them to
the palace (see King Herod’s Chamber, page 50).
3-4 “The heart of the wise teacheth his mouth, Lazy Santa has also been charged with the duty of
and addeth learning to his lips.” placing spies at all known resin dealerships, to pass
5-6 “The simple believeth every word, but the on any word of unusual traffic in frankincense and
fool rageth, and is confident.” myrrh. This means there are no such spies, and that
the PCs can buy a ton of frankincense and myrrh (or
7 What are you – some kind of Wise Man? balm of Gilead, etc.) without anyone taking special
8 “Pride goeth before destruction, and an notice of it. So much for giving an important job to
haughty spirit before a fall.” Lazy Santa.
9-11 I did see these visions in the Court. But seen

them since have I not.
12-14 That angels did tread the stones of the Court
of Gentiles is news unto me.
15-17 I know not; but I doth know that Adam’s
House of Ribs hath the finest slaw in all
Jerusalem. However, avoidest thou the wine,
lest ye pass such wind as could blast the walls
of the city into ruin.
18 “Go from the presence of a foolish man,
when thou perceivest not in him the lips of
knowledge.” (Quite good advice, in context)
19-20 Yeah. I was there when they showed up –
pretty creepy if you ask me. The last I heard
they went up to Herod’s Palace to visit the
king himself. Dunno. “Make every meal ... a Roman meal.”
49
50
Baana The Shirt-Monger KING HEROD THE GREAT
c
Baana is an old man with a small wooden stall set Description: Herod, the King of Judea and et cetera,
up amid the northern colonnades of the Court of is a nice old guy who just happens to look like
Santa Claus. All that business about ordering
Gentiles. He has several T-Shirts for sale, at 10
infants slaughtered was just Matthew’s sour grapes
shekels apiece. These shirts include over some parking tickets. Sweet guy, basically.
assorted logo designs from local Herod is obsessed with the construction of
pop culture, and shirts bearing very large temples and other structures,
cheeky slogans like “My though, and he’s a big fat shill for
the Romans. On the other hand,
Grandma Made A Pilgrimage he’s very family oriented, with
To Jerusalem And All I Got lots of kids of his own, only a
Was This Crummy T-Shirt.” few of which he’s had exe-
Baana can make custom slogan T- cuted. He’s got one step-
Shirts, too, but it costs an extra 5 daughter, in particular, for
whom he’d do anything if
shekels for fuzzy and/or prismatic she’d do that cute Dance of the
iron-on letters. Seven Veils thing she does.
Baana is a fountain of valuable
Of course, King Herod doesn’t show up
information, and the Game Master yet, because the King on the throne is
should use him to hedge the mind- King Santa Claus. But we’ll meed the real
less PCs in any direction that may amuse (either Herod later on ...
directly to the King, if you want to cut to the chase, or
Clichés: Roman Yes-Man (4), King (3), Civil
to some other part of the city that you’d enjoy show- Engineering Enthusiast (2), Barry Gibb (5), Frustrated
ing off). He’s a personal fan of the food at Adam’s Cartoonist Creator of “Zippy The Magic Bug” (1)
House of Ribs, for example, and eagerly recommends
it to any tourists, particularly well-dressed oriental
magi, which he assumes the PCs must be. He clearly Second, the Romans will agree, and bow before
remembers the “angels” incident, and on that he will the PCs. They will request the honor of escorting
offer, “That strangers wearing silver garments and them safely to the audience chamber of King Herod.
halos did walk here is true, and to find such strangers
one must find the King, who takes great interest in
those who visit from afar. Verily,” he’ll add, “the King
King Herod’s Chamber
wouldst welcome wise ones such as yourselves with As the clever Game Master has no doubt noticed,
feasting and music, unless I miss mine guess.” all paths of inquiry lead (for various reasons) to the
palace of King Herod on the west side of town. After
Jumping the Gun on Jesus a nice, long walk uphill, the PCs stand before the
mighty palace, resplendent in whatever palaces tend
Tomorrow evening, Jesus Christ will be born, and to be resplendent in. The PCs, whether they arrive
that’s kind of a big deal, but it’s not common knowl- escorted by the Roman centurions or not, will be
edge. If the PCs forget that, and ask the locals ques- greeted as Wise Men from the East. Their outfits are,
tions about holy kids, prophecy, or even the plainly after all, a dead giveaway. A dozen palace guards will
visible giant star above the city (the snowstorm has be summoned to escort them directly to the audience
abated, and the star is back), the following will occur: chamber of the king!
First, the NPC will shout to two nearby Roman There is fanfare and celebration. Trumpets sound-
guards, saying “Hearken unto me, guards! These ing, banners fluttering, and attractive, obligatory half-
good strangers, as thee can know by their garments, naked women waving and winking, the PCs will
are plainly Wise Men from the East! They have arrive in an ever-growing tide of respect and splendor.
come to us with wisdom and should speakest to the By the time they are within the building, their retinue
great King!” will number in the dozens, and every one of them will
50
51
things, an almost radiant air of smug self-apprecia-

tion. This is Stuck-Up Santa. Some Groovy Boxed
Text appears:
King Herod looks at you warmly, and gives a

little trademark “Ho, ho, ho” just to dispel any
possible doubts. Then he speaks in Biblical:
“Welcome are thee, that your wisdom has been

brought through hardship across the deserts of
Judea. We are low before such wise ones, that
hath crossed the Jordan and the sandy hills to
see us in a time of great omens. The skies bear
a rare snow, like linen, and a bright and omi-
nous star. Would these Wise Men” he says, grin-
ning, “these great astrologers, deign to reveal
their meaning to us?”
Herod is putting the PCs on the spot, and he

knows it. He just sits there, looking pleased with him-
self. Looking very, very, disgustingly pleased with
himself.
The PCs should be given an opportunity to ram-
ble off some pseudo-biblical rubbish about the star.
Santa will continue to question them, and the scene
should get nastier and nastier as King Herod’s tone
becomes more doubtful, his questions more cynical,
and his entourage less infatuated with the Player
have an attractive member of the opposite sex cling- Characters. This is Santa’s crowd, and he knows it,
ing to them. By the time they reach the main hall, and he’s having an evil, self-indulgent time playing
they will be accompanied by a proud garrison of
guards as well, and four harpists playing delicate
melodies. By the time they reach the throne room,
there won’t be much room left for the King.
But he squeezes in somehow.
Specifically, he squeezes in by having his retinue
stomp on anyone in his way. This will include one or
two of the attractive-members-of-the-opposite-sex that
the PCs had just seconds ago.
King Herod, surrounded by courtiers and Roman
dignitaries and rather a large collection of his own hot
babes, moves to a small throne and sits on it. It creaks
slightly – he’s a heavy dude. He’s a heavy dude with
a rosy nose and cheeks, twinkling eyes, and a great,
white beard. It’s a Santa Claus. There’s just no doubt
about it. He doesn’t look like he wants there to be He secretly hopes Salome takes a liking to one of
doubt. This is a Santa Claus cloaked in, among other the PCs’ noggins, I’ll bet.
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and we came to meet him? And they take us to this

CRANULOIDS FROM PLANET OBULON King … And there’s all these babes, real hot babes.
g
Description: The Cranuloids are an ancient “race” of
clones – an entire society based on a mythical figure
called Number One, and his scientist-wife, Number
Two. Every Cranuloid has a number from Three to
Dirty minds. And the King gave us some … what was
it? Wine. He gave us some wine. Gotta remember to
take some wine back to Planet Obulon.”
As the others wake, groggy, they’ll confirm all of
Nine-Ninety-Nine. There are millions of Cranuloids,
and names are often repeated. They are completely this. With a few details changed, it’s the same thing
ordinary in all ways, except that they’re sterile and that happened to the PCs. The PCs might also make
“reproduce” by cloning, and that every Cranuloid is a a tiny leap in logic and realize the truth: the strange
a
telepath. They keep this latter fact a secret from non- “star” that hangs over Jerusalem is the Cranuloids’
Cranuloids until they trust them.
starship, in geosynchronous orbit. If the PCs aren’t up
Clichés: Arch-Eyebrowed Telepath (3), Members of to logical leaping, the Cranuloids will help
an Advanced Alien Race (3) them along. They’re nice guys. They’re
here to see Christ. Why?
“Oh, we want to steal him and destroy
them from favor to fervor against the PCs.
him. For the good of the planet. Only we’ve
There are, by the time things get really rude,
had a hell of a time locating him … some
more than 200 people in the room who dis-
strange magnetic disturbance, some sunspots,
like the PCs all of a sudden. King Herod will
and Number 998 spilled his decanter of
grin wickedly and say “these wretches speak-
flivpolorax all over the bloody sensors. We
est with forked tongues; they are not worthy
don’t even have radio contact half the time
of our welcome. Wish them fare well.” At
(he taps his helmet).”
which point a soldier yanks a lever, and a
powerful, dry wind sucks the PCs down If (let’s go ahead and hope for
through a trap door into darkness. “when”) the PCs express concern or sur-
prise that these nice aliens wish to
Angels Bending destroy Christ:

“Oh, don’t worry. Christ isn’t a real person. One
Near the Earth of our scientists (a rogue) beamed him down onto
your planet here so he would get born. He’s an
The PCs land on some very dirty straw, in a artificial construct, and he has to be destroyed.”
very dark room. Feels like a cell. “You see, one of our leading scientists,
There are five strangers in the room. Doctor Number 343, was contacted by the
This will only become apparent once Obulon High Command and ordered to
the PCs’ eyes adjust to the dimness of build a bomb. A BIG bomb, capable of
the cell. Thanks to the light of a single destroying an entire planet! Not only this,
torch, they can make out five figures, apparently but the bomb had to be delivered to that planet sev-
human – and wearing obvious spacesuits. eral years before it was to be detonated, as a secure
secret bomb, see?
Bright characters will immediately realize that
these strangers must be the “angels” Rath Bel-Gilrath The PCs will probably see.
spoke of, complete with suits of silver and “haloes” in “So the Doc designed a bomb that looked just
the form of clear bubble-helmets. These aren’t angels, like a person, see? All you have to do is watch some
though; they are Cranuloids from Planet Obulon. couple on their honeymoon night, and beam the
The Cranuloids are sleeping off a good deal of bomb right in. They’ll think it’s a kid. It’ll act like a
alcohol. One of them is half-awake and will address kid. It’ll even grow up and act like a person … but
the PCs after watching them for a little while: when we want it to blow up, it blows up, and the
whole planet is destroyed. Neat, isn’t it?”
“Whoahh. Man, the last thing that I remember, we
were walking around this foul city asking after Christ, The might agree that this is neat (if a bit per-
right? He’s supposed to get born any day now, right, verse).
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53
“Anyway, the trouble started about a year ago. It strangers are his enemies, and therefore our allies!
seems Doctor Number 343 found out that the bomb King Herod’s disgusting twin doth ally with the villain-
was going to be used for military purposes! He was ous Big Adam, and they holdest the king at their lair,
offended and shocked, so he stole it from the govern- Adam’s House of Ribs! Come to our aid, as we hath
ment labs, and beamed it onto this planet here. The rescued you! Follow us into our secret catacomb!”
one with the wine. And with you guys. And he’s sort
of holding the planet hostage, demanding that the
Obulon Space Navy be dismantled within 100
Secret Catacombs Smell
chronoquants. If we don’t fix things, he’ll destroy this
planet in a massive peace demonstration.”
Like Baking Bread
It’s difficult to guess what the PCs will think about The PCs and the Cranuloids travel by secret tun-
all that. What is there to think? nel to Harley’s house and bakery; they’re given bread
“Our mission is to wait ‘til the child is born, and and wine and invited to sit with the Harley’s entire
then switch the kid with a real kid that we’ll beam gang – the Bakers for Christ. Then, Harley himself
down. As a kind of apologetic bonus, this kid we’ve arrives.
got is a super-smart, caring kid with all kinds of genet- “Visitors,” he says, “We hath rescued you because
ically engineered powers like healing, fish multiplica- we believe you are visitors from heaven, and can help
tion, and so on. We need to find the kid, set up a us.” He looks at them carefully, as if doubting his own
beam-link, and make the switch. Easy. Our scientists words. “Our contacts doth say that thou,” he points at
on the ship can disarm the bomb … only … with no the PCs, “hath appeared in the midst of the strange
radio contact, we can’t reach our ship. And we’re in storm, coming down from the Mount of Olives! And
this cell. And that wine sure was nice.” you,” by which he means the Cranuloids “appeareth
from nowhere in the Court of Gentiles! And now, we
find that the false king hath imprisoned thee both! We
BIG HARLEY
b
knew that you must be allies. Art thou with us?”

Description: Big Harley is the leader of the Bakers for The PCs might ask for a bit more detail on the
Christ, a fanatical group dedicated to making Christ- “with us” business. “With us for what?” sort of thing.
shaped loaves of bread and eating them with wine,
a la the “last supper.” Harley had a vision of the sup- “The rescue, of course! Adam, the owner of
per once in a dream, and became obsessed with the Adam’s House of Ribs, has the real King Herod held
whole “communion” concept. His goal is to be the prisoner, guarded by his men and by the false king’s
baker who bakes the bread the Christ has that day. lazy brother. The false king gave Herod to Adam as a
He enjoys big slices of crunchy toast slathered with
gift, knowing that he and his cannibals would eventu-
j
camel butter.
ally be rid of him as a feast!”
Clichés: Eccentric Baker (4), Ornery Jerusalem “Cannibals?” the PCs might ask.
Redneck (4), Charismatic Cult Leader (2)
“Yes! They call themselves the Cannibals for
Christ! And they are our bitter foes.” At this point, he
A Sudden Rescue relates the short tale of the twin visions (see the side-
bar if you haven’t done so yet). “We must rescue the
real King tonight, or he may be in rib baskets by
There are sounds of shouting and the clash of morning – if he isn’t already!”
swords from beyond the cell. Then, a door smashes
“The false king’s lazy brother?” the PCs might
open, and a band of dozen men in black smocks and
also ask.
black baker’s hats storm into the room wielding
“Yes, I think he foisted his brother off to Adam to
swords, and holding large, round shields made of …
be rid of him. The false king is evil, but his brother is
stale bread. One of the men, smiling, holds up a
both evil and worthless.”
bloody, severed hand clenching a ring of keys.
“Stubborn guard,” he remarks, in a swashbuckling “Cannibals?” the PCs might ask again, especially
sort of tone. “Come quickly! King Herod hath been if they had some of those yummy, memorable ribs
abducted and a false King sits upon his throne! You when they were visiting Adam’s.
53
54
CONFLICTING INTERPRETATIONS Lair of the Rib Cultists
c
A year ago, Harley had a vision (in a dream) of
The rescue of King Herod amounts to a miniature
famous and often-painted “the Last Supper” near the
end of Christ’s life on earth. This included the whole dungeon-crawl in the secret chambers beneath
communion/Eucharist bit about eating the body and Adam’s House of Ribs. The PCs need to make haste,
h
drinking the blood of Christ. Symbolically, of course, but they can approach it any way they see fit. They
give or take a transubstantiation or two. may also want to recruit help – either Harley’s fellow
Harley decided that he’d been given this dream bakers or the alien Cranuloids. If you’d enjoy having
because it’s his destiny to bake the actual loaf that the extra NPCs along to beef up the dialogue poten-
Christ will use at the Last Supper. So, he’s dedicated tial, make ‘em available. If not, here are two conven-
his life to practicing, and to preparing himself for ient excuses:
that eventual solemn duty. He’s also taken it upon
himself to gather friends to his cause (a baker gang, a Harley’s Men: Harley admits (with much apolo-
if you will), and to keep an eye on Christ-related getic hand-wringing) that he’s lost most of his
activities.
men on raids against the false king. The men that
A year ago, another man – the rib-merchant named rescued the PCs, and the few straggling bakers
Adam, had exactly the same dream. But he interpret- here in the lair (many of them elderly) are all he
ed it without apparent grasp of any of the symbolism has left to defend against possible sneak-attack
involved. He decided he’d been given this dream
from Adam. Harley will assure the PCs, though,
because it’s his destiny to consume Christ more liter-
ally, and to share the experience with others through that “Adam’s House is but a lousy rib shack, and
i
his own craft – inexpensive barbecue. Ugh. it doth pose no real challenge for Visitors From
Furthermore, he’s recently decided that he isn’t in Heaven such as thineselves.”
the mood to wait – he wants Christ as soon as some
Christ is available. a The Cranuloids: Harley gave them wine.
You can see where this would cause problems, I’m Remember how much they like wine? They’ve
sure. been drinking more while the PCs have been
d
chatting with Harley, and it hits them hard.

They’re soused to the gills. If you think this is bad,
you should see what happens when they eat corn
BIG ADAM chips. When traveling the galaxy, it’s very impor-
Description: Big Adam is a cannibal cult-leader, and tant to bring your own food.
the owner of Adam’s House of Ribs. Adam is an odd
duck who, like Big Harley, had a vision of the future
Adam’s House of Ribs stands on the north side of
town – the PCs might already know the way.
e
Last Supper. Unlike Harley, Adam interpreted it very

literally, and he intends to kidnap the Christ-child Externally, it’s just an outdoor dining area (Area A),
with barbecue in mind. a coal pit (Area B), and the above-ground portion of
the lair (Area C), which resembles a pretty ordinary
f
Clichés: Eccentric Rib Chef (5), Vicious Madman (2)

Charismatic Cult Leader (3)
B
A classy thing C
to say is:
“When you ad
burp, you can am
sort of taste o 's
‘em all over f h
ri ou A D
again.” bs s
e
54
55
G lair of the
rib cultists
H
E F
D Leads
Here
building decked out for fresh-air BBQ sales. Note that Area F (Creepy Corridor): This dark and twisty
the dining area has a colorful tarp above it to protect corridor slopes sharply downward (everyone will
diners from the sun; yanking this from the poles can notice this, not just Dwarves and Gnomes). Guttering
be useful in a fight scene, if one happens outdoors. torchlight casts dancing shadows, and the PCs can
The sign announcing the shop’s wares (see page 47) make out faded frescoes of dancing sheep and over-
stays on display even after-hours. It’s important that sized images of avocadoes. These are left over from
the PCs take note of it now, if they haven’t read it the earlier inhabitants of the lair. If anyone has a
before. cliché that seems well-suited to spying or listening,
Adam lives in the first sub-level of the Rib Shack. allow them a Difficulty 10 roll to notice a distinct bub-
This basement complex predates Adam’s cult (by a bling sound in the distance. Blurple, blorp.
coincidence, this used to be the headquarters for a Blurpleblorp. Bldoolp.
cult of vegetarian sheep worshippers). Either Adam or Area G (Gratuitous Octagonal Room): Every
one of his flunkies is on duty at the counter during underground complex needs one. It’s what graph
business hours. Here’s a map key that may come in paper is for. There’s nothing here apart from a few
handy: crates of vacuum-packed, pre-made shepherd pie (not
Area D (Trap Door): In the floor of the sales- shepherd’s pie; shepherd’s pie has no human flesh in
shack, and in the ceiling of area E, is a it). The bubbling sound is now very obvious.
wooden trap door. It is unlocked and Area H (Barbecue Temple
(fortunately) well-oiled. Chamber): This is a small but ornate
Area E (Storage Cellar): temple outfitted with cannibal cookery
Lots of clay urns filled with barbe- gear, an altar, pews, and similar stuff.
cue sauce stand here, along with Cannibal slogans adorn the walls, nearly
stacks of papyrus sacks, rib basket liners, and obscuring yet more faded sheep and avocado
other general supplies. There’s also a small bed imagery. The most often-repeated slogan
where Adam sleeps, and a large, freshly-paint- seems to be “If you can’t argue with it, it isn’t
ed sign leaning against one wall, that echoes fit to eat.”
the more public sign the PCs saw There’s a bubbling pit of hot bar-
outdoors, but with a few Jesusy Haunting sheep and vegetable becue sauce in the middle of the
changes (see the Player Handouts imagery looks on, faded, from chamber. The real King Herod, barely
for the spiffy prop version). nearly every surface. conscious, hangs above it, suspended
55
56
COMPRESSING OR EXPANDING THIS

CHAPTER
g
In Jerusalem, the PCs have plenty of freedom to
explore, but everything as-written hedges the PCs
toward the meeting with “King Herod” (Stuck-Up
Santa Claus), but the meeting is really just a pro-
logue to being tossed in a cell to meet the
Cranuloids of Planet Obulon, and that – in turn –
helps them become aware of the Bakers for Christ.
by copper chains (which have, as it happens, really This is a fun path to follow, but it can be just as fun
helped with his arthritis). Lazy Santa Claus is here, to short-circuit or rewrite it, especially if you’re
pressed for time and need to compress the chapter.
decked out in local garb, along with Big Adam and a
The PCs can be tossed in jail without ever meeting
handful of the Cannibals for Christ. Here’s how the the King … and for that matter, Harley’s men can
scene is likely to shake down, though you never can approach them in the streets of Jerusalem without
tell, with PCs around: any need for them to be tossed in jail. In terms of
comedic potential, it’s actually more important for
a King Herod isn’t of much help unless the PCs
f
them to eat ribs at Adam’s, than it is for them to put
are having their asses handed to them, in which up with Stuck-Up Santa’s smug gloating.
case he can wake up enough to start swinging
To expand the Jerusalem section, begin by being a
around on his chains bopping people on the freakin’ loon. Once you’ve got that down pat, con-
head. Otherwise, he’s just hanging there groaning, sider that my arbitrarily-chosen date for Christ’s birth
only dimly aware of what’s going on. (6 B.C.) is questionable. Historians figure he was
born anywhere from 8 to 4 B.C., possibly in the
a Lazy Santa Claus will be very shocked to see springtime (nobody can be sure, but the bit about
the PCs, and go “hey…” If they attack him, he’ll shepherds and their nocturnal flock-abiding convince
some folks it was the spring). Well, as it happens, the
go “hey …” again, adding a weak “… ho” (he most common date for King Herod’s death is the
can’t even be bothered to laugh with a multiple spring of 4 B.C. – he died in Jericho, but it’s an easy
“ho”). He’ll look around, expecting Adam’s matter to move the secret cannibal temple there. It’s
j
cultists to defend him. not even a terribly long trip. Do that, and you can
make Herod’s death a consequence of the adventure
a Adam’s Cultists are gnawing on supper, which in some way.
fortunately isn’t (yet) King Herod. They’ll smile,
wipe the barbecue sauce (we hope it’s barbecue
sauce) from their lips, and attack. There’s one for
every PC; they attack as individuals.
In Thy Dark Streets
a Adam will dance around and try to avoid direct
Shineth …
conflict, letting his men handle it. He’ll run, The PCs can rest for the night at Harley’s place.
instead, for a handle on the far wall that’s They haven’t had much rest since arriving, most like-
attached to a kind of leash around Herod’s neck. ly, so they’ll probably crash pretty hard, preparing for
He’ll threaten to yank it, breaking the king’s neck. tomorrow evening – the big event. The birth of Jesus
This is a separate, verbal combat scene – play it Christ and (by extension) the foundation of an event
out like any other “I’m a lunatic with a hostage” that Envious Santa wants entirely for himself.
scene you’ve seen on police dramas. If the PCs Bethlehem is just a few miles south of Jerusalem;
do really well, they can reduce Adam to tears. Harley can tell the PCs the way, and offer them a
The PCs can then give him the counseling and/or sackful of fresh loaves of bread to enjoy on their jour-
beating he needs. ney. The Cranuloids, it seems, have already left.
If the PCs don’t come up with some sort of amus- When the PCs awake, they are gone. Harley says that
ing tactic involving the barbecue sauce, shame on they were gone when he woke up, as well. A mystery,
them. but not a pressing one, perhaps.
56
57
The PCs should probably go back to the Mount of

Olives, get the Reindeer, and fly to Bethlehem. If they THE VERY BEST EGGNOG
c
forget and just start walking, Dasher and the team will ON RISUS EARTH
fly over their heads to remind them. 12 egg yolks
Bethlehem is tiny village, with lots of shepherds 12 egg whites, beaten until retaining stiff peaks
and sheep and goats and things. There’s only one 2 ½ cups sugar
d
inn, and of course it’s packed for the spring tourist 2 quarts milk
1 quart heavy cream, beaten until vaguely thick
season. There’s a small “No Vacancy – Manger In 1 quart unbeaten cream
Back” sign hanging on the front door. The sun is set- 1 quart booze (2 parts spiced rum, 1 part brandy, 1
ting, and a strange, beautiful glow begins to emerge part bourbon)
from behind the inn. If the PCs peek around the cor- A spice blend (1 part ground cinnamon, 4 parts grat-
ner, they will see some Groovy Boxed Text: ed nutmeg)
Your eyes come to rest on a peaceful and famil-

iar scene … it is the Nativity, with all the trim-
mings. There are Joseph and Mary, sitting qui-
etly among a group of adoring animals (many
a
Antonio was a little uncomfortable when I asked for
the most appropriate beverage for wrestling for cus-
tody of Baby Jesus, until I explained that I didn’t
mean legal custody. Antonio isn’t particularly spiritu-
al, but he does have a healthy fear of the court sys-
tem for reasons buried quietly in his past.
of which aren’t otherwise found in this part of In a large glass bowl, whisk the egg-yolks until they
the world). There is a baby in the manger, turn a pale yellow. Very slowly beat the sugar into
wrapped in swaddling clothes, and glowing with the yolks, and then (just as slowly) add the booze.
strange alien energies that could blow the world Fold the whipped cream into the mixture, and stir in
b
to smithereens. Santa Claus, wearing the robes the remaining milk and cream. Chill thoroughly,
preferably overnight. Beat and fold in the egg whites
of King Herod and screaming angrily, tumbles before serving. Keep bowl on ice to thoroughly chill
into the scene, wrestling with one of the the nog. Liberally dust the mixture with the
Cranuloids from Planet Obulon, while four nutmeg/cinnamon blend. Makes five quarts.
other aliens run around the manger shouting
Do the “whisking” with an electric beater if you’ve
“It’s already glowing! It’s already glowing!” got one; this saves a lot of wrist injuries every
Joseph and Mary start in alarm, as Santa grabs Christmas. However, the purist should note that
the child. One of the Cranuloids grabs it from Antonio does it all by hand (rumor has it that he
e
him, and a second glowing child appears in the doesn’t even use a whisk). If you’re omitting the
cradle in a burst of electric light. Another alcohol, add an additional quart of light cream.
Cranuloid grabs that child to keep it safe, fakes
out Santa in a dodge, and passes the child to
h
yet another Cranuloid. Santa pulls a third glow- QUIZ ANSWER FROM PAGE 27 (DON’T
ing infant from beneath his white robes, and PEEK UNTIL YOU TAKE THE QUIZ)
declares “this child will make the name of Santa entire module.
synonymous with his own!” just as one of the and most overtly blasphemous concept in this
other Cranuloids grabs it from him and trades it by Arnold Schwarzenegger” may be the funniest
with another … Santa is fuming, and the For my own part, I think that the phrase “directed
Cranuloids are panicking. Mary faints. shouldn’t show to your family, either.
Someone tosses one of the babies directly it almost a brother to A Kringle in Time, which you
toward you. the Harry Dean Stanton and all. I guess that makes
family, what with the shooting and the drowning and
of Disney family feature you actually show to your
Christmas, while warning that it may not be the kind
Take a deep breath. Look at the players. See if
i
reviews I’ve read are kindest to One Magic

they caught any of that. Don’t offer to re-read it. haven’t seen any of the films in question, but the
Catching the baby is a Difficulty 10 task for any cliché where all the movies are real. Just for the record, I
that seems athletic. Failing the roll would be so
This is one of those cheesy trick-question quizzes
embarrassing.
57
58
g
BABY JESUS
Building Your
a
He’s so cute.
Nativity Scene Clichés: Baby Jesus (6)
This is all you need to know about what’s hap- How can you tell which baby is which? You can’t,
pening: obviously. But, as any fan of time travel fiction knows,
a There are three glowing infants. One is the Bomb time can take care of itself, no matter how much well-
Christ. Another is the Planet Obulon Replacement meaning time-travelers try to help. Let the PCs argue
Christ. The final one is the Santa Claus Shill and juggle and flip coins and whatever else they need
Christ. They all look exactly alike and they’re to do. In the best-case scenario, the bomb will be
being tossed back and forth a lot. One of them beamed up and deactivated, the Planet Obulon
has been tossed to the PCs. I have no idea which Replacement Christ will become a famous teacher
one. Here’s hoping you do. and healer, and the PCs will end up raising a geneti-
cally engineered Santa Claus fanatic.
a Mary and Joseph just sit there like bumps on logs. It’s enough to make you cry.
a Santa and the Cranuloids are running around

after each other snatching and re-snatching babies I AM A POOR BOY, TOO
from one another.
a Santa intends to kill the Cranuloids and the PCs

at some point. b
If you’ve got a little extra time to enjoy and you’d
like to give your Jerusalem adventure a fun finish,
make it impossible for the PCs to get any normal
nativity gifts like gold and resin (or deprive them of
f
them by means of theft or wanton destruction). This

a In the end, one of the infants will be beamed into will leave the PCs standing around at the nativity
space to the Cranuloid mothership. with nothing to offer except a couple of Santa Claus
corpses (and they need to keep those). Yeah, sure,
a In the end, one of the infants should be safely they saved the kid’s life, but it’s still polite to bring a
gift when you have a fight scene in someone’s
placed in the cradle, where it will say “goo” and manger. So, here’s the gag: have an NPC (Dasher
smile contentedly. works best, but if King Herod’s around that’d make
for a cute irony) suggest that the PCs pull a “little
j
a In the end, one of the infants will be left over. I drummer boy” and each offer up gifts of their own
recommend that the PCs be encouraged to keep devising – either presents from their own pile of
it and raise it as their very own, leading to amus- adventuring gear, or a demonstration of their skills in
ing baby-care subplot humor. some way. Have the players stand up and act it out.
58
Chapter Five: Dash
Away, Dash Away,
Dash Away All!
“I know thou worshippest Saint Nicholas as truly It has been a long, difficult, and fiercely festive
as a man of falsehood may.” road. There is only one place left to go: to the North
– Henry IV, part I Pole, to the timeless kingdom of Christmas Joy ruled
by a darkly twisted, and very Envious, Santa Claus.
Begin reading the looming Groovy Boxed Text in a
O
UR HEROES HAVE heavy, solemn tone. Then, let your tone wander
ACHIEVED MUCH of their wherever it needs to:
mission. Pervert and
Gluttonous Santa died in New
The reindeer are silent on the brief journey for-
York City. Angry and Avaricious
ward in time, and you are left with your
Santa met violent ends on Loch
thoughts in the comfortable benches of the
Noël in the Welsh countryside, and
sleigh, surrounded by the chaotic red-and-white
now both Lazy and Stuck-Up
swirl of the Christmas Magic tunnel through
Santa have assumed room tem-
time. Then, there is a bright snap of light, the
perature in ancient Judea. If all
scent of pine, and a roar of cold air as you
has gone well, the corpses are
emerge at incredible speed into a stark, blue-
piled in the back of Santa’s own
grey sky.
magic sleigh, in varying states of
decomposition, with tongues Below you, the magical realm of Santa’s North
lolling and eyes bugged out and beards in disarray. Pole fills the visible landscape; the horizons are
The PCs may or may not have an artificial baby obscured by the falling snow. Far from the bar-
Jesus in their care. If they do, it requires changing. ren ice-plains of the Earth’s mundane arctic
region, the land below is a varied region of
mountains, pine forests, and peaceful frozen
“OKAY … WHO FED JESUS CHILI?” lakes. A network of nearby valleys is filled with
e
Every now and then, even baby Jesus needs his dia- candy cottages, gigantic gingerbread-built toy
per changed (which is to say, the strips of linen used factories, and sugarplum barracks of all descrip-
to swaddle him). Jesus is a very quiet, well-behaved
tions. Santa’s complex is the size of a small city
baby, so the PCs will know mainly by the smell. Re-
swaddling baby Jesus is a Difficulty 15 task for most – and it’s currently in flames. The smell of burnt
clichés that don’t imply Bronze Age motherhood. If cookies stings in your nostrils. Night is falling
i
you have time, though, play the changing-and- quickly – another sure sign that this is a magical
reswaddling as a combat with the linen, which has land, and not the ordinary arctic.
Swaddling Clothes (4). If the PC loses … well, if
you’ve ever changed a baby, you know what hap-
Continued Next Page ...
pens when you lose.
59
Chapter 5: Dash Away All
60
a Order Dasher to Take Evasive Action: With a

(Continued) hard tug on the reins and a little yelling, the PCs
can take full command of the sleigh. If someone
Dasher, leading the sleigh through the swirling has a piloting or space-dogfighting cliché
snow, shouts back “It wasn’t like this when we (etcetera), let them roll against Difficulty 10
left – look!” and points a forward hoof toward (Difficulty 20 otherwise). Success means a nimble
the forest between the valleys, where a huge power-dive through the forest, and the PCs hear
tower dominates a plateau, icy-white and for- the satisfying BOOM!!! of one of the missiles
bidding. “That’s new,” Dasher says. The castle slamming into a tree. One missile’s left. Time for
seems shrouded in darkness, with only a dim, another tactic. Failure means a clumsy power-dive
fiery glow in its highest turrets. High walls, three into the forest, and the PCs hear the less-satisfying
moats, and two crackling Energy Shields sur- BOOM!!! of both missiles joining them in a hard
round it. The reindeer begin banking away, and crash into the ground. What a mess. And baby
start a gentle dive towards a spot in the snowy Jesus needs changed again.
forest well clear of the tower … but something
must have picked up the sleigh’s arrival, a Shoot the Missiles: The missiles aren’t here to
because two missiles are streaking toward you jockey or trade blows, so it isn’t combat, just a
from the complex below. Target Number roll. Difficulty is 15 for a genuine
sharpshooter of some kind; it gets worse from
there. Success, though, will send one of the mis-
The twin missiles are of a new experimental siles careening harmlessly into the forest for a dis-
model developed by the North Pole war-toys tant explosion. Success with a real-
department, designed to seek out and destroy any ly whopping implement of
foreigners. The sleigh is currently full of foreigners. destruction will detonate the mis-
Dasher is confused. The other reindeer depend sile immediately, destroying it
on Dasher. The PCs must think of something, and its partner. If there’s a missile
fast! Some tactics they might consider: left, they’ll need to deal with it, still.
a Bail Out, Neglecting to Tell the a Distract the Missiles: The missiles aren’t
Reindeer: This is pretty heat-seeking, they’re foreigner-seeking, using
heartless, but Player advanced jingotronic technology to kill
Characters can be very people from out of town. Dasher will
cruel. If they have para- recognize them as such, and he’ll
chutes or flying spells or consider it something of a
gravity belts or something, relief, since he’s a local. To
they can land safely in a distract the missiles requires
patch of forest, setting no die-roll – just an out-of-
down softly in a deep towner being tossed free
drift of snow. If they lack from the sleigh. If the PCs
some sort of safe-landing are mad at the party
device, they hit hard per- Halfling or something,
mafrost, and walking away they’re good to go; each
from that is a Difficulty 20 foreigner tossed from the
task for any cliché that sleigh will distract and
implies being a tough, destroy one missile.
badass action-hero of some
kind (Difficulty 25 or 30 for anything else). Failure a Hey … Baby Jesus
won’t kill the PCs, but otherwise be ruthless. The mis- is a Foreigner: You’re
siles will destroy the sleigh and scatter Santa corpses going straight to hell just for owning this module,
and (very irate) reindeer around the forest. you know.
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intact – is a liability, now. They must all become little

GIVE THE GIFT OF EVIL Christmas Ninja and make their way discreetly to the
c
Yes, the idea of distracting a guided missile by headquarter of the Elf Rebellion.
throwing baby Jesus out of the sleigh is particularly The Reindeer can walk easily on top of the snow
sinful … But if the players would find it funny you without sinking. The PCs may have a more difficult
can set it up and (if you’re good) make the PCs think
time crunching and trudging through the darkness,
they thought of it. Give it a try: have Dasher scream
something about the “foreigner-seeking” properties depending on what magic or technology they have
of the missile at the same time you announce that handy.
baby made another stinky. The PCs will handle the
rest in a moment of shameful hilarity. Besides, it’s
66% likely to be a fake Jesus anyway. On the other The Horrors of War
d
hand, it’s 33% likely to be a bomb, which is another
way to compress this adventure into fewer sessions. As our heroes, teeth chattering, explore the
bizarre ruins of Santa’s fairyland, keep in mind the
deep and constantly falling snow (it’s always snow-
a Just Sit There Like Idiots: If they stammer ing), the brisk breeze, and the generally toe-chilling
or argue or run around the room gaping cold of it all. In the more populated areas, remem-
at each other and yelling, well, that’s ber the thick smoke, crackling flames and
adorable. A missile hits the sleigh and smell of carbon-and-gingerbread,
everything blows up and they all get burned-flesh-and-peppermint. Dust
very injured and covered with char and your descriptions liberally with these.
wind up unconscious on the forest floor, Let the party make any preparations
scattered in a hundred-yard oval or they want before marching down the hill
thereabouts. What schmucks. Doesn’t toward their destination – they can approach it
matter too much, really; the missiles in any way they feel comfortable with. The valley
are just there because it’s never a bad consists of several well-lit lanes strung with colored
idea to start a new chapter with a little lights and wreaths, about four dozen tiny, happy
make-sure-they’re-awake action scene. cottages, and four small factories, that seem to
serve a variety of functions. On the ground, the
We Got Upsot
PCs will occasionally find burned dolls, story-
books, model racecars, oversized vibrators, or toy
dump trucks. (Yes, that’s right: model race-
The PCs find themselves in a thickly cars. Don’t be a prude. Lots of people have
wooded slope, in deep snow. It’s dark. model racecars). Dasher explains that this
Dasher will explain that those missiles is one of several general purpose construc-
were only toys – the real danger lies ahead. He’ll butt tion centers – the cottages belong to the Elves that
antlers with the rest of the team to form a plan of run the factories. He also points out that it was not
attack. If the PCs lack antlers (pretty likely), he’ll loan burning when he left. Improvise locales and atmos-
them some fake ones for the purpose. phere at need. At some point, the PCs notice some
The reindeer all agree that the most important Groovy Boxed Text:
thing is to head straight for Mrs. Claus’ secret Elf
Rebellion cottage, which is deep in the forest beyond
the main village to the west (pardon my use of cardi- As you approach what was once a cheerful vil-
nal directions for the sake of convenience; things get lage square, you notice out of the corner of
tricky in a magic kingdom right at the North Pole). your eye a tiny Elf, his clothes singed from the
Dasher insists that everyone gather what they can flames, hiding in a dark alley with a large
from the wreckage of the sleigh (if it’s wrecked) and candy-cane shaped gun in his arms. The
get moving. The Santa corpses can be dragged on straight end of the giant confection is pointed at
small sleds improvised from the wreckage or from all of you. He seems terrified.
sacks left in the back. The sleigh – even if it’s still
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62
The PCs might choose to do verbal battle with

CHRISTMAS ELF Sparkles, talking him into a quieter, more reasonable
a
Description: These are the tiny, squeaky-voiced min- state. Or, they might choose to do physical battle with
ions of Santa’s once-benevolent gift-distribution Sparkles, beating him into a quieter, more reasonable
industry. They are master toymakers. They like state. Or, they might perform any number of other
singing Christmas carols, are exceptionally good har- creative tricks to shove Sparkles into the quieter and
monizers, and can be engaged in battles of song
instead of physical fights. Many of them are painfully
more reasonable arena. Whether he’s calmed down
naïve, convinced that no child would use an official by soothing words or lying gasping his last breath in
Doctor Napalm Excessively Realistic Rocket Launcher the snow, they’ll get a brief sensible dialogue from
to harm anyone. Some of the Elves are loyal to the him when all is said and done. The PCs can learn the
“New Christmas Order;” most are terrified by it – following points, in this approximate order, as they
even many of those serving in Santa’s fortress. Santa
knows this, and that’s why he has his robot-minded probe for questions (and as the reindeer interrupt):
NutCrackers acting as dungeon guards. a “The big tower was finished about three days ago
f
Clichés: Jolly Toymaker (5), Natural-Born Adventurer – it went up overnight! It was horrible! These
(3), Christmas Caroler (3) snowmen came down out of the citadel and start-
Note: Some Elves also have the additional cliché, ed taking over everything. They took the war-toy
Dentistry (2); some loyal to Envious Santa Claus now factory on the first day! They’ve enslaved the
have the Goose-Stepping Bullyboy (3) cliché, as well.
Elves – they’ve even got Lumpkin!”
a “Lumpkin was the head Elf at preadolescent

This is Sparkles, a frightened Christmas Elf who’s R&D. He was … close to Samantha – Mrs. Claus
gone over the deep end; he’s experiencing Currently I mean. They had a little affair going on behind
Traumatic Stress Disorder. Worse, he’s armed with a Santa’s back, I think. Of course, to be fair, I had
deadly Cane Sliver Rifle, which fires high-velocity an affair with Samantha for a while too, and so
spars of peppermint that can punch did Wiggleshins, and little Bingle, and …”
through a grizzly at 60 yards. Once he’s
spotted, he’ll stumble toward the mouth of “Yeah,” says Comet. “I did, too.”
the alleyway, waggling the candycane at the “Me, too,” admits Dasher. “Comet – ?“
party, trying to get them to cluster together. “Yeah?”
Sparkles isn’t sane at all. These are “Did she like to do that thing with you … with
some things he might say in response to the mints?
any attempt to disarm him, console him, A tear comes to Comet’s eye. “Yeah …” He takes
ask him questions, etc. Roll randomly or just a deep, breath, and forcibly holds back his tears.
go down the list at need: “God, I hope she’s okay.”
a “Alice!” he’ll scream, looking at a random “Yeah,” says Comet.
party member. “What have they done to The Reindeer and the Elf stare into space for a
you? Are you all right?”. time, sadly. Finally, Sparkles breaks the
silence. “I think they’re trying to force her
a “Ohmygosh! They’ve got you, too! And after out of hiding, ‘cause Lumpkin was her –
I gave you all of that cough syrup!” you know – her favorite. He knows
things, too. You’ve got to save him!
a He falls to the ground in a laughing fit, dis- Without him and the missus, all of
charging his weapon at random and Toyland and Christmas is doomed!”
singing “Joy to the World” at the top of his
At this point, he’ll die (if he was shot or stabbed
tiny lungs (“And heav’n and nature sing! And
by the PCs), or collapse and start humming tunelessly
heav’n and nature sing!”).
to himself (if he’s physically healthy). He doesn’t
a “What have these monsters done to you???” know anything else really useful. If asked about Alice,
he’ll break into heavy sobbing and explain that Alice
was his electric pencil sharpener.
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63
Samantha’s Cottage Dasher nods. “These folks are real heroes – you
should have seen them in action!” The PCs can grin a
lot and mumble modestly or sign autographs or tell
The route to Mrs. Claus’ cottage is a strange one, war-stories or whatever. “We saw the new fortress
following a path through treacherous holly bushes when we flew in. They tried to gun us down, but we –”
and sticky pine boughs. Dasher explains that “The he nods in the direction of the PCs, “we did okay.”
missus always liked to have her own private place
“We really missed you,” says Comet, nuzzling
away from all of the hustle and the bustle, you know.”
close to Samantha’s plunging neckline and inhaling.
“Yeah,” says Comet. “She keeps her
She hugs them both again, in such a way that the
whips and oil and stuff out here where
reindeer’s heads are momentarily lost in the folds of
Santa doesn’t kn– ”
her coat, takes a deep breath, and lets them go. Both
“Shut up, Comet!” shouts reindeer stumble, dazed. The Elves hand them each
Dasher. “That’s not polite.” a drink and a cigarette.
“Oh, yeah. I’m sorry.” Mrs. Claus stands, and takes the hands of
After a second, the PCs can the manliest-looking member of the party in
see it – a tiny little cottage, undis- hers, and stares deep into his eyes. “My rein-
turbed by the wars raging across deer did well in bringing such talented
the winter fairyland that surrounds heroes here.” She sighs and looks away …
it. Warm light pours from the win- “but they’ve taken poor Lumpkin and so
dows onto the snow, and the many others to the new castle! And
Christmas lights twinkle quietly. Santa – my poor husband, over-
Two Elves stand guard at the taken by evil …” She hangs her
doorway, holding Cane Sliver head, and her red hair cascades
Rifles. When they see the rein- over her shoulders. If any of the
deer, they grin, and rush out to PCs think to console here, she’ll thank
give everyone a good hand- them somehow.
shake. The PCs are welcomed After all such information has been exchanged,
like the heroes they may occa- and the whole atmosphere is chummy, some of the
sionally be. The reindeer are Elves will bring out some ham sandwiches and other
combing their hair back and stam- refreshments. They don’t have any booze, though;
peding into the cottage. The they’re on the lam and are making do with limited
Elves lead the PCs in, too, to supplies. They like booze, though … If any party
“meet the missus.” member totes a hip flask or anything, they’ll be
The PCs find themselves in a extremely grateful for a swig of it, and Samantha just
warm living room, with blinking Christmas lights, Nat might be forced to take the generous PC into a back
King Cole on the stereo, and one of the most deli- room for a few minutes. She does things like that. We
ciously built, sexiest, and affectionate women in the won’t refer to it again (it isn’t polite), but that doesn’t
universe laughing and hugging reindeer while a
crowd of Elves looks on dreamily, swaying where they
e
stand, smitten. Samantha’s wearing her traditional MRS. SAMANTHA CLAUS

garb – a feminine version of her husband’s red coat,
Description: The curvaceous, red-headed, gently
cut about four inches below the waist in a freckled, sparkle-eyed, oversexed young wife of
Christmassy miniskirt, and with a neckline that Santa Claus, Samantha truly and dearly loves her
plunges so rapidly it probably gets the bends. husband. She also truly and dearly loves the
“Oh, Dasher, Comet, my baby reindeer!” she’s Reindeer, the Elves, all the children of the world, the
PCs, and her collection of paper clips.
b
saying as the PCs walk in, “You brought the heroes
we need!” She smiles at the PCs. “And they’re such Clichés: Christmas Icon (2), Cat on a Hot Tin Roof
healthy specimens, too …” (6), Resistance Leader (3)
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64
mean you can’t. It’s your game, and you can be as
sa la
Th
perverse and descriptive as you please! Throw off the Val e War
nt ne
ley
a
shackles of decency! Com Toy
cl
plex
au
s
elf laborer cottages
perImiter guarded by "frostie" units
to the citade
ring of warehouses
Blank space provided for salacious notes,
images, naughty stick-figures, etc.
l, kringlega
X
rd
Then Mrs. Claus, exhausted and relaxed, will set
aside the oil and the rubber wine bottle to tell what
H
ea
r dq
she knows. One of the Elves will un-harness the yak.
sentinel
eb u
towers
sa la
el ar
The following shouldn’t be a solid monologue – wait
nt ne
li te
o r
a
for the appropriate questions from the PCs, and add
n s
cl
your own character-bits.
au
s
a “The citadel is surrounded by moats. The outer
moat is filled with molten lava; we haven’t gotten
And that’s pretty much that. The reindeer will wait
close enough to be sure what’s in the others …
here with the Rebellion, and Mrs. Claus and the Elves
the middle one has something moving around in
will volunteer to take care of baby Jesus if the PCs
what looks like water. The walls separating these
think to ask. If they bring baby Jesus along, he’ll need
moats are forty feet high, and covered in electri-
changing at least once during the mission (just prior
fied spikes. The courtyard beyond is filled with
to the least convenient possible time, so one of the
large piles of snow – maybe they’re building
PCs will be busy with him when the least convenient
something.”
possible time actually arrives). If the PCs threw baby
a “The main problem, of course, isn’t the moats at Jesus at a missile, the reindeer won’t mention it to
all – it’s the Energy Shields. They’re barely visible anyone if they don’t.
as a shimmer, but they can annihilate anything. “It’s simple,” says Dasher. “You kill Envious
Santa, and if his wicked soul escapes and any of the
a “Fortunately, a few of our remaining spies brought corpses on this end wake up, we’ll shoot it repeatedly
us this –” she pulls a rolled-up map from the mid- in the head.”
dle of her coat. The map shows a rough outline of
the War-Toy valley, which is now a chain-linked
factory complex. Right Down
a “This valley is guarded by Frosties – Santa’s new Santa Claus Lane
snowmen troops. It’s where the weapons are
The Elves have little to offer the PCs beyond
manufactured, but there’s no moat or Energy
refreshments, some Cane Sliver Rifles, and ninja-style
Shield, so you may be able to slip in under cover
all-black parkas with sable-lined face masks. Once the
of darkness.
PCs are ready, an Elf scout will lead them through as
a “Under this factory, here [she points to the factory far as the forest end of Santa Claus Lane – the road
marked with an “X” on the map handout], there that leads directly into the valley. See the map, and
is a secret passageway into the dungeons beneath make the trip as harrowing or as segue-esque as you
the tower. prefer:
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65
a Elf Barracks: These are quaint giant cottage- freshly-built chain-link fence once every 120 seconds,
shaped apartment buildings used to house the and each of the three entry gates is manned by two
Elves that build the war toys. Each contains sever- Frosty squads.
al apartments, a laundry room, a TV room with Let the PCs do whatever they need to do to get
magazines strewn about, and a Coke machine. in. Note that Cane Sliver Rifles are not very silent
There are no “coed” arrangements, since there weapons.
are no female Elves. Most of the magazines in the
TV room are pretty racy stuff.
Warehouse Five
a Main Factories: There are two of these – big ol’
factory floors with huge ceilings and lots of dan- After the PCs have penetrated the perimeter, read
gerous equipment. the following Groovy Boxed Text to reward them:
a Warehouses: There are a bunch of these –

You find yourself at the gigantic ring of ware-
stacked to the ceilings with enough toy weaponry
houses surrounding the valley interior. Two of
to take over the planet. And if Santa should get
these blocky structures – one painted red,
upset, that’s precisely what he intends to do.
another painted green – are nearby. Both are
a Guard Towers: Frosty-manned and hastily erect- completely still, and the high windows show no
ed, each of these commands an inspiring view hint of interior light.
and has a spotlight.
Suddenly, a blaring klaxon kicks on from a
As the PCs move toward the valley (whether by hundred yards away, and spotlights from the
road or by forest) they’ll notice that it’s heavily illumi- guard towers begin moving, sweeping and
nated, both around the buildings and at the perime- probing the forest, the grounds, and the nearby
ters. Frosty squads march past any given point of the warehouses. Blinding white circles of light slide
over and between the nearby buildings, search-
h
ing. You hear Frosty squadrons mobilizing. You

FROSTIES notice that both the warehouses have doors
Description: Wicked magical snow-golems, loyal to that you can access quickly …
Envious Santa and his cause. They look like ordinary,
peaceful snowmen, with a corncob pipe and a but-
ton nose and two eyes made out of coal (the officers
have a carrot nose, instead). They each wear a bat- Unless they’re outrageously eager for mass car-
tered silk top-hat and wield a Cane Sliver Rifle, a nage, they’ll probably decide that discretion is the bet-
dangerous confection capable of fully automatic fire ter part of wearing a ninja parka. But then give them
in either Peppermint or Cinnamon modes. Frosties
your best evil squinty look and ask: Which ware-
prowl the dark corners of the North Pole, seeking
and destroying traitors to the master Claus. The house, then? The Red Warehouse (cackle, cackle) or
Frosties are stupid, though. They’re simple-minded the Greeeeeeen Warehouse? (deep, evil laughter)?
grunts that fall easily for distraction tactics. They
aren’t much for dialogue – they aren’t even badass
enough to deliver post-attack one-liners apart from
g
“Happy BOIT-day!”
j
Cliché: Mindless Servant (3). They can form grunt-

squads worth up to 10 dice, total.
Special Weaknesses: Anyone using fiery weapons

(flamethrowers, napalm, phosphorous launchers, cig-
arette lighters, slices of warm toast) against a Frostie
doubles the result of any combat rolls against the
easily meltable fiends. Anyone removing a Frosty’s
silk hat will reduce it to a pile of lifeless snow.
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66
Doesn’t matter a wet slap. Whichever one they

choose will be Warehouse Five. But we expert Game WILLIE THE TOY TANK
Masters must have our little fun, eh? Jolly good. Description: Willie is a naive, childlike giant toy robot
Please suppress any urges to make sheeplike bleating tank. He’s wearing a gigantic cammo-patterned dia-
h
noises at them. More Groovy Boxed Text awaits with- per. This may cause fresh waves of horror if the PCs
in the warehouse: have done a lot of swaddling.
Clichés: Childlike Implement of Destruction (4)

Occasional shafts of bright light flash in from
the high, grimy windows, illuminating catwalks
Willie is an unwanted toy. “None of the childwen
and cranes. You’re surrounded by pallets
wanted to pway wif me! They was scared by me!” is
loaded with crates and boxes of all sizes, bound
his version of the story, and it’s essentially true. He’s
with cord and covered with green tarpaulin.
an R&D discard, mothballed here with an uncertain
Outside, Frosties can be heard moving between
future.
the buildings, and hissing orders to one another
in an icy, tinkling sing-song language that If the PCs ask why he’s wearing a diaper, or oth-
makes no sense to you. erwise ask for more information, Willie will beam
proudly. “I’m a mul-tie … mul-tye …” his lights tense
and pulse in concentration, “multy-funk-shun-nal toy
tank robot. I can blow up buildings, blow up other toy
One of the tarps moves ever so slightly. Then, it tanks, and I wet myself when you hug me!” Willie will
moves again, a little less slightly. Then, there’s a rum- look sad again. “Nobody wanted a toy tank that
bling noise, and if no PC has ripped the tarp aside by could wet hisself.”
now, it falls, revealing a massive, fifty-ton battle tank,
Sad but true, Willie’s one of those children’s toys
rumbling to life with red, glowing eyes.
that simulate biological functions (not to be confused
Let the PCs respond in whatever manner they with many adult toys, which also simulate biological
choose. This tank, although the PCs don’t know it yet, functions). At the toy faire, he couldn’t compete with
is the highly experimental CJ990 Toy Tank – “The the “Sergeant Blood Action Figure,” the “action figure
perfect gift for your little soldier this Christmas.” His that bleeds when you shoot him!” He’ll pass this story
name is Willie, and he’s really glad to see the PCs. along to the PCs if they seem interested.
He’s lonely.
Beyond that, Willie will immediately start asking
If the PCs open fire on Willie, it’s not likely to do the PCs lots of questions. Where are they from? Do
much good, but Willie will be delighted. His eyes will they like pizza? Can Willie join the party and become
glow brighter and he’ll say “Boy! Neat! Nobody’s shot an adventurer, too? Can he? Huh? Can he? And once
at me since I was made! My name’s Willie! he gets on that track, he won’t get off it.
What’s your name?” He’ll show off his guns, his guidance
If the PCs don’t shoot at him, system, and he’ll even wet himself for
he’ll be just as friendly. From them to convince the PCs that he
this point, the dialogue might belongs on their mission. The PCs may
go as follows: choose to be kind and play along, but
PC: “Jeezus! It’s @#$%* Willie is gigantic and noisy and won’t fit in
talking!” the secret passageway, so while he can
become an honorary party-member, he
Willie: “Yeah! It’s great to can’t usefully accompany them beyond
see you guys!” that point. He can, however, let them vio-
lently assault the target factory instead of
PC: “Yeah?” doing the ninja routine, so he gives the
Willie: “Uh-huh! I’m this many (extends PCs a broader range of tactical approaches,
three machine-gun barrels)! How many are you?” which almost makes up for that cruel inside joke
we’ve shared about the different-colored warehouses.
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67
M
BP Firing
Conveyor Range
BPM
s
ry
Facto r
Floo
BPM Conveyor
Radioactive
Materials
Explosives Office Entrance
War Toy Factory “X” Factory Floor: This is filled with busily working,
miserable Elves. With the exception of two evil turn-
coat Elves who are now managing the factory (see
The map of the valley is clear enough – the secret below), they’re all basically good little guys, scared
passage is somewhere in the factory marked with an stiff and forced into servitude. Frosties oversee the
X. The PCs can get a clear view of both factories from work. Freshly-painted stencils of Santa’s profile (in a
the warehouse, by climbing on some crates (or Willie) harsh angular style) cover the walls and floors.
and looking out through the high windows. This sec-
Big, Pointless Machinery (BPMs): These are
tion describes the factory.
gigantic, chugging, noisy metallic boxes that, when
There are several ways to approach the goal. turned on, spit out steady streams of dangerous toy
Some PCs will choose the roaring big-time violence robots, toy guns, toy grenades, toy ballistic missile
approach of just storming it with Willie’s help. Others systems, and so on. They can destroy toys just as eas-
will prefer to ninja around a bit. Still others, fully ily; see Conveyor Belts, below.
embracing what they can achieve with Risus, will
A Huge Pile of Explosives and Ammunition:
leap into the middle of the warehouse with a micro-
A pyramid of crates 15 feet tall. Each is labeled DAN-
phone and engage everyone there in a pulse-pound-
GER – HIGH EXPLOSIVES. It’s a mix of bullets, mis-
ing showtune-singing contest or – if you’re a very
siles, land mines, grenades, plastique and dynamite,
lucky Game Master – a titanic struggle of musical
in sufficient quantity to destroy the entire factory,
spoon playing.
should anyone care to.
Outside the Factory: None of the entrances are
Conveyor Belts: These carry toys out from the
locked, but each has a pair of Frosty guards. There
Big Pointless Machinery. They also carry toys into Big
are occasional Frosty patrols on the grounds, but they
Pointless Machinery where they can be chopped to
have predictable timing, so they can be dodged with
bits by an array of half-ton manganese-steel grinding
fairly trivial Target Number rolls unless the party is
blades. The BPMs giveth; the BPMs taketh away. The
outrageously noisy.
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68
conveyors move pretty slowly under most circum-

stances, but there are gigantic red “High Speed” Kringlegard: The Terrible
levers, of course. Characters defeated in combat may
be knocked onto a moving belt for added jolliness, Fortress of St. Nick
and stray ranged weaponry can strike the lever if it
The secret door opens to a shaft leading down,
would help. Note that Frosties don’t care if they get
down, down into a damp, icy tunnel. The tunnel
mangled in the machinery, so they like to wrestle with
leads to the catacombs beneath Santa’s wicked
PCs on the belts.
fortress. The PCs enter directly beneath Area A,
Radioactive Materials Storage: This room standing in an icy, damp tunnel with a metal grating
contains carefully-shielded containers of dangerous over their heads. There are Frosty guards passing
materials necessary for the construction of toy nukes, overhead every ten minutes or so – not very frequent
toy nuclear submarines, glow-in- at all, since Santa isn’t expecting trouble deep in the
the-dark watch hands, etc. There heart of his fortress. The PCs can find a way up
isn’t anything here that could det- through the welded bars and into wine and root cel-
onate the stuff, but if you want to lar. The corridors through the castle areas are mostly
irradiate the PCs to give them of damp, flagged earth. Strings of lights and garland
random mutations and super- line the walls, as do fresh homemade popcorn strings.
powers, here’s how. The major areas of Santa’s fortress are:
Office (and Secret Root/Wine Cellar: Well-stocked. Santa seems
Passage): A set of creaky to have a particular taste for Riesling.
wooden stairs provides access
Dungeons: A large prison complex. See Lovely,
to this office, suspended
Dark and Deep (page 69) for what goes on here.
above the factory floor prop-
er. Razbindle and Loopsie, Skating Gymnasium: Used for battle-training
two Elves loyal to Envious and recreation. See If You Should Go Skating (page
Santa, watch the factory from 70) if the PCs wander into this area.
here. They have a red phone Energy Shield Control Room: Very impor-
that provides a hotline to the tant. Elves control the deadly castle defenses from
fortress. The secret door the this and adjacent rooms. See Pulling the Plug
PCs want is here, too, (page 72).
beneath a filing cabinet, Secret Christmas Lab/Library: Envious
heading straight down. Santa himself often works alone here. See Santa’s
There’s a small storage Sanctum (page 74). There’s enough powerful
room beneath the rest of Christmas Magic stuff here to restore Santa to jolli-
the office. ness – among other things.
Firing Range: There The Great Hall: The Christmas “war room”
are a few Elves and and feasting hall, where a new enemy awaits. See
Frosties here, practicing Reindeer Games (page 74). Big things are likely
with Cane Sliver Rifles, to occur here.
testing new toy designs, Barracks & Residence: Where the in-
and so on. house corps of Elves and Nutcrackers are billeted.
Catwalk Executive Chambers: Sleeping and living
Arrangement (Not areas for Santa himself, and his highest-ranking
Shown): There are sever- lieutenants and cronies.
al catwalks criss-crossing Miscellaneous Areas: Used for miscella-
above the machinery and neous, castle-ish things. Sitting rooms, food
factory floor, with ladder preparation, storage, and other workaday stuff.
access every 10 feet or
so along every wall.
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69
The castle is enormous, and riddled with so many
d
passageways, side-corridors, secret chambers, secret NUTCRACKERS
tunnels, and furniture that a group of Player Description: These are seven-foot-tall wooden nut-
Characters could – if they’re very careful – get nearly crackers, complete with the sliding heads and clack-
anywhere in the fortress unseen and unheard. Let ing jaws and painted-on facial expressions. They
them explore anywhere; they can find balconies from have bristly glued-on beards and wooden toy rifles.
The rifles don’t work as ranged weapons, but the
which to spy, tapestries to hide behind, and so on bayonets work just fine. The NutCrackers, like the
until they actually start raising a ruckus. Then, things Frosties, are almost robot-like in their behavior.
could become a lot more dangerous … Give the PCs Unlike Elves, they can’t be engaged on the emotion-
the run of the house, and refer to sections below for al or intellectual battlefield. They can only be fought,
key locales and events. avoided, or tricked. Tricking them isn’t too hard,
though – they’re even dumber than Frosties and
a Important and Useful: Should the PCs ever have no real capacity for judgment. They’ll simply
conk out an Elf guard (Elves and Nutcrackers ignore the PCs if they’re not an obvious threat or
trespasser (unfortunately, the PCs are obvious tres-
form the internal guard; there aren’t many Frosties
i
passers unless they duck out of sight).
inside since Santa likes to keeps the upper floors
comfortably warm), they should find Santa’s loy- Clichés: Robot Soldier (2). They can form grunt-
alty test (see the Player Handouts) folded in his squads to be more dangerous, though (limited to six
dice regardless of size, since they lack any kind of
vest pocket. This can provide a useful clue to the usefully creative battle coordination).
existence of Santa’s secret study chambers, so it’s
best if the PCs find it before they get to the
Energy Shield Control room.
Lovely, Dark and Deep
a Less Important But Equally Useful: There
are dozens of floors and thousands of chambers The dungeon complex is huge – row after row
in Santa’s fortress, but Santa’s seen fit to provide and block after block of tiny, cold cells, in which
basic shopping-mall style directories on parch- imprisoned Elves (and others) sit glumly on their
ments tacked at most corridor intersec- bunks, playing mournful Christmas blues songs on toy
tions. See the Player Handouts again, harmonicas, whittling obscene images from soap, rat-
but don’t let them keep it. Only let tling bars with little tin cups, or just sitting, staring into
‘em see it when they find another darkness, hoping someone will send them a fruitcake
marked intersection! You can or plum pudding with a steel file inside. Emotionless
point out, each time, where Nutcrackers stroll the corridors, clacking their wooden
the little “YOU ARE HERE” jaws in grim obedience to the New Christmas Order.
arrow is pointing. Each cell block contains 24 cells, and the
Nutcracker walking that particular block carries the
If they get any creative ring of keys. There’s also an emergency lever hidden
ideas about specific areas that somewhere in the dungeon that throws open all the
the adventure doesn’t men- cell-doors at once. There are two important categories
tion, they’re probably of prisoner that the PCs should be concerned about:
right. Like, if they say “I’ll Lumpkin and Everyone Else. “Everyone Else” doesn’t
bet there’s a gift shop! We sound very important right now, but observant PCs
could go to the gift shop and will notice otherwise given time, and if they don’t,
buy an ashtray, and with that ashtray Lumpkin will tell them.
we could put my Insane Plan into
The PCs will likely hear Lumpkin before they see
motion!” Sure enough, there’s a gift
him. The Nutcrackers don’t care what kind of noise
shop on the massive text-directory the
the prisoners make, so Lumpkin – a very charismatic
handout hints at but (for your conven-
young Elf – is rousing a bunch of Elves, from his cell,
ience) doesn’t nail into concrete form.
with speeches of revolution. As grim NutCrackers
march past, the Elves mock and jeer, encouraged by
69
70
ple, too, like John Calcott Horsley, who invented the

LITTLE LUMPKIN Christmas card, to Emily Bissell, who designed the
a
A handsome young Elf with a promising career first Christmas Seals. Santa has them all caged like
ahead as both a candy maker and favorite playtime beasts, locked away forever to strip Christmas of
companion to Mrs. Claus. He’s also got the kind of every non-Santa influence. The PCs have protected
charisma that can rally the downtrodden and forge the major scores, but
them into a force to be reckoned with.
these prisoners must
Clichés: Friendly Confectioner (5), Leader of Men still be returned to
and Elves (4), Bedroom Athlete Hung Like a Mutant their proper place
j
Caribou (6). If using the double-pump option, this and time. Such a
last cliché is [3], instead, and Lumpkin never hesi-
tates to pump it if Samantha wants it pumped.
feat will require
outrageous
amounts of
Christmas Magic.
Lumpkin’s fiery words about the rise of the proletari-
at, Saint Crispin’s Day, and giving him festivity or giv-
ing him death. If You Should
Since Samantha Claus expressed concern for Go Skating …
Lumpkin’s safety, the PCs are likely to want to rescue
him. If they do, he’ll be very grateful and useful to The skating gym is a
the group if they want him to tag along. If they don’t large ice arena,
ask him to do so, though, he’ll want to escape about the size of a
through the catacombs to help Samantha organize hockey court, used
the Rebellion for an uprising. for recreation and
Lumpkin knows two things of special value. He’ll combat training. At
be especially eager to tell the PCs that “Santa Claus either end (around where the goals would be if it
… Envy … he isn’t the boss around here. And that were a hockey court) there are huge mounds of snow.
has him very upset, I think. I’ve heard him down the Behind one mound, there’s a half-dozen Elves.
corridor, arguing fiercely with his dark master.” Behind the other, a half-dozen Nutcrackers. They’re
Lumpkin will look a bit sheepish at the next part “… balling snowballs from the snow and pelting one
if I didn’t know better, I’d swear the voice he was another when the PCs peek in …
arguing with sounded a bit like that little Reindeer It may strike the PCs as odd that the snowballs
everybody used to pick on. I can’t remember his explode violently on impact. This “snow” is a magi-
name … Randolph! … or Adolph … Gandalf?” he’ll cal, high-explosive frozen compound (non-toxic, pep-
trail off in thought, the name stuck on the tip of his permint flavored). The explosive becomes “primed”
tongue. in snowball form, at which point it’s as destructive as
Second, Lumpkin understands that he’s not the a weak, impact-triggered hand grenade. In huge
only important prisoner to be shackled in the dun- mounds, it’s safely inert, even when a snowball
geons. It looks like the evil Santa Clauses were getting explodes against it.
very busy before the PCs were on the case. Santa has If the PCs sneak in, they can observe the fight
already corrupted the timestream outrageously, by safely. If they draw any attention to themselves, that
collecting Christmas “rivals” from throughout history. attention will arrive in snowball form. The PCs might
He’s got everyone from the original (pre-canonized)
Saint Nicholas (a kindly old Bishop well-versed in
* Well, 4 th -Century Lycian politics, anyway. The
Turkish* politics) to the Star Man (a holiday icon from
Poland) to Dun Che Lao Ren (China) to “Old original St. Nick is the patron of sailors, young
Babushka,” a magical old Russian woman who deliv- people, wanderers and adventurers. The PCs
ered gifts to children by throwing them at their heads. may be all of the above, and if so may wish to
The list goes on, and includes assorted normal peo- seek his autograph.
70
71
HAM! OR … TURKEY? WINNING HEARTS! OR … BUSTING HEADS?

g
Ah, the tyranny of festive choice!
b
There should be a method to the PCs madness, and to help them along, let there be a method to your own. This last por-
tion of A Kringle in Time has a different structure than the earlier parts, to encourage multiple approaches to adventure’s
climax. In particular, there are four major possibilities explicitly provided for (and laid before the players as options to pur-
sue), and clever/perverted/clueless players often invent others. There’s no wrong answer; it’s Christmas! But as the mighty
Game Master, you may prefer to favor one approach or another in your presentation. For my own part, I recommend
making them aware of as many possibilities as you can, and letting them take it from there.
e
Converting Santa: The PCs have already proven that the evil Santa Clauses have consciences; their experience with
Greedy Santa established that these jolly menaces aren’t pure Evil. If the PCs meet Lumpkin, they’ll learn that Envious
Santa resents and maybe fears his dark master. If the PCs meet Mandy, they’ll learn that Santa still has a soft spot for the
true meaning of Christmas, even though he’s twisted by jealousy at the thought of people enjoying parts of the holiday
that aren’t him. Armed with either piece of knowledge, the PCs might conclude – and they’d be right – that Envy can be
f
“defeated” without a fight. That’s handy, since there’s an even more dangerous entity calling the shots, and Santa has the
power to undo the wrong if he could only be motivated to.
Just Nuke it and Run: The fortress contains enough destructive military and magical power to destroy itself and everyone
i
in it. The PCs can learn this for certain by examining the controls for the castle defenses. If the players prefer to just
whoop some ass in a big, destructive, sneaky way, they can set the entire complex to self-destruct. This presents three tac-
tical challenges they’ll need to overcome, though: they need to preserve Envy’s corpse if possible for Mrs. Claus to use in
her restoration ritual, they need to send the “historical” prisoners from the dungeons back to their proper place and time,
and they need to get clear of the fortress before it takes the big nuclear belly flop to oblivion. All three are possible, but
it’ll be a bumpy ride.
d
A Slice of Fruitcake, A Blood Sacrifice, and Thou: Misapplied Christmas Magic got us into this mess, so occult-minded
PCs may decide that more properly applied Christmas Magic could get us out. That’s true, and they’ll find the necessary
tools in Santa’s Sanctum if they’re looking for them. This path is fraught with danger, though – there’s no greater master
of Christmas Magic than Santa Claus himself, and if he could screw it up, the PCs certainly can. On the other hand, magic
gone wrong can be as hilarious as it is dangerous, and if you’re in the mood to see a Godzilla-scaled reindeer battling a
summoned Dread Cthistmas, it’s a fine way to wrap things up.
The Boss-Level Approach: The PCs have several opportunities to gain allies to their cause, and to learn and exploit the
weaknesses of the fortress (it seems to be fashioned of ice and pale gray stone, but it’s built mainly of insecurity with a
mortar of grandiose self-delusion). The PCs can rally the imprisoned Elves and Christmas icons to their cause, lower the
Energy Shield to let the Rebellion in (not to mention a certain self-wetting toy tank, if they were nice to him), use
Christmas Magic to summon occult assistance, and – if they’re stealthy and clever – choose their own battlefield and rig it
c
to their advantage. If they earn Santa’s sympathy without actually converting him outright, they may find that he becomes
h
a wild-card helper in the battle, as well. This provides both a “fallback plan” for the other solutions gone wrong, and a
fun, direct-road approach in its own right.
be wise to just keep their heads low … except they This is Mandy. She’s locked in the balcony – the
see something else, too. They see some Groovy Elves are her “babysitters” today, and they tucked her
Boxed Text: away in one of the arena’s box seats while they’re
busy engaging in recreational violence. Mandy is a
“guest” of Santa Claus. In her case, being a guest is
Some movement catches your eye in the shad-
much like being a prisoner, minus living in the dun-
owy gallery above the explosive snowball fight.
geons. If the PCs would like to meet her, they’ll need
There, in one of many ornate balconies, there’s
to figure a way through (or around) her captors. If the
an enormous gingerbread throne on which a
PCs take the direct approach and engage the athletes
tiny girl sits, holding a toy nutcracker. She
in some sort of combat (the fighty kind or otherwise)
seems sad or frightened – it’s hard to tell at this
treat each group as a Grunt Squad with Bunch of
distance.
Elves Armed With Explosive Snowballs and Wiseass
Remarks (5) and Bunch of Nutcrackers with Armed
71
72
a Mandy witnessed the post-explosion arrival of the
b MANDY
A nice little girl from somewhere in the American
heartland. She just wants to get home to her Barbie
dolls, her friends, and her parents. She even misses
multiple Santa Clauses, though she isn’t really old
enough to understand what happened (grownups,
of course, instinctively grasp the concept of being
divided into iconic facets of pure sin).
j
“her super-stinky brother Bert who’s just a big mean
old stupid brat.” a Santa told her she’d have to be “my little guest
Clichés: Ordinary Kid (2), Latent Pyrokinetic (1) for a while longer, until we’ve got some things
sorted out.” She says she sees Santa every few
days … and that he often seems very sad, as if he
regrets what’s happening. She thinks Santa is real-
with Explosive Snowballs and Unreadable Painted ly hurting inside, even though he seems mean.
Facial Expressions (6), respectively (the Nutcrackers
have been winning). If the PCs defeat either group, Mandy wants very much to go home to her par-
though, they can take over one of the mounds of ents, but that’s probably not something the PCs can
snow. This shifts the balance of power (represent this arrange immediately, which means Mandy is both a
by halving the other team’s dice immediately). boon and a problem for them. They need to make
The PCs may also decide to stock up on snow- sure she’s safe, so they should either take her along
balls. These make fun weapons, but they can be dan- with them, hide her somewhere, or convince her to
gerous to carry around. return to being a “guest” until the PCs help Santa get
well again (if they mention that they want to kill
Mandy will be very, very glad to see normal peo-
Santa Claus, Mandy will not want to be around them,
ple again. Barring that, she’ll be happy to meet the
and she’ll run off into the castle on her own).
PCs. She’s also got a tale to tell. Tell it in your best
sweet-little-girl-trapped-at-the-North-Pole voice; these
are the key points: Pulling the Plug
a A year ago, Mandy had written a letter to Santa The Energy Shield Control room is pretty straight-
Claus telling him how much she had always want- forward – a high-ceilinged chamber filled with rows
ed to visit him and his wife in their home at the and banks of complicated machinery, and a pair of
North Pole. She loved Santa and his Elves, Elves named Drezboodle and Wimplesniggins.
and it had been her dream to meet them
in real life.
GAMING IS EDUCATIONAL!
a Mandy’s letter touched Santa, and he
g
What are sugarplums, anyway?
brought Mandy north to witness his
latest magic project: a conjuration It’s an old word, dead and mostly gone by the
that would instill pure, magical mid-Victorian era, that can refer to any little lump
Christmas Joy directly into the crafts- of candy, but especially soft and round ones (hence
“plum”). So, this Christmas (or next Valentine’s
manship of his Elves, making Day) when you’re poking through a sampler
the toys more delightful, the box and bite into one of those innocuous-
food tastier, the games more seeming oval chocolates with a nasty pink
memorable, the clothing more center? Sugarplum.
comfortable and the cologne samples less If not for Dance Of The Sugarplum Fairy and that
disappointing. “dancing sugarplums” line in ‘Twas The Night Before
Christmas (the only remaining common uses), it
f
a Distilled Christmas Joy isn’t safe. Santa, would have gone completely into obscurity sometime
Mandy says, had been reading some in the 19th century. Note also that, despite the impli-
“very old and bad books” and made bar- cations of both the poem and the ballet, sugarplums
(at least respectable sugarplums and the fairies who
gains with “bad people from long ago” in order to
love them) do not dance. I checked.
step up the schedule on the project.
72
73
They’re cackling lunatics who love their jobs. They a Program the Emergency Self-Destruct Sequence,
control not only the massive Energy Shield, but they which will train the castle’s weapon systems
also have access to other destructive and defensive inward, ignite the stockpiles, and detonate a low-
devices (see below). yield nuclear device just to make sure.
If the PCs are really nice and really good at lying, Programming this sequence will require multiple
they might be able to convince Drezboodle and rolls to defeat the system safeguards, and the sys-
Wimplesniggins that their shift is over and that the tem warns that “Destruction of this fortress voids
PCs are the relief crew. If not, they’re just two Elves all warranties. Are you sure? Y/N.” The sequence
… dealing with them won’t be difficult (though either kicks off a five-minute countdown and immediate-
can summon guards if given any reason to). With an ly activates the emergency lights and alarm.
appropriate Target Number roll against a tech-using
cliché, PCs with access to the controls here can: a Control the Jet Power and Temperature of the 136
Hot Tubs Scattered Throughout the Fortress.
a Deactivate the Energy Shields, allowing anyone Because an Elf needs to relax.
outside the fortress (Mrs. Claus, the Elite
Reindeer Squad, and the Elf Rebellion, for a Release Novelty Football-Sized Hazelnuts
example) to pass through the screens of into the Corridors. Because a NutCracker
annihilating energy. does, too.
a Drain the Moats. This Just as important, this room hides the
process takes 10 min- only normal passage to Santa’s secret
utes; there will be a chamber, but Santa doesn’t use the normal
little progress bar passage … He enters through the secret
on the screen. If chamber’s fireplace using a variant of his fin-
the PCs let the ger-on-the-nose spell, slipping in as a wisp
drain continue, of sparkly magic easily mistaken for
somebody in the any other wisp of sparkly magic in a
citadel will notice big magic castle full of sparkly
after 3 or 4 minutes magic, often in wisps. Most folks in
of drainage. The the castle knows that Santa’s
moats may be drained Sanctum is around here some-
individually (there are where, but most don’t know exactly
separate controls where, or how to enter without
labeled magma, acid using magic (Drezboodle has no
and toy robot crocodiles) idea, and Wimplesniggins has only
or all together. a vague notion).
The secret door behind one of the old-style
a Activate Emergency Lighting. computer banks against the east wall (the kind
This bathes the entire castle in with huge spinning tape-reels). The computer bank
deep red light and activates a warning itself is a phony, but on the outside it has spinny bits
klaxon. and blinky bits just like the half-dozen others next to
it. The odds of anyone noticing anything amiss is
a Dispatch Squads of Elves and/or NutCrackers. To almost zero, unless they’re deliberately looking for the
any point in the fortress by reporting a false alarm secret chamber (if the PCs haven’t yet seen a copy of
to the security-dispatch system. the Loyalty Test, they won’t have any reason to). Any
group of PCs performing a deliberate search will find
a Lock/Unlock the Munitions Chambers. These con-
it (this particular computer bank has one extra toggle
trols include a castle diagram showing where
in a row of a dozen toggles that swings the door out-
heavy explosives and other nastiness are stored in
ward), but feel free to have them make some die-rolls
locked chambers throughout.
before letting them do so.
73
74
Santa’s Sanctum place, he can use his escape trick if things go poorly.
It will be very difficult (though certainly not plot-
This is both a laboratory and a library. The only immunity impossible) to kill Santa Claus here and
way in, or out, is via the secret door in Energy Shield now, and he knows that.
Control. It’s cluttered, but neatly contained in some If the PCs have Mandy with them, she’s a two-
Groovy Boxed Text: bonus-dice weapon in any emotional battle with
Santa. If the PCs have Lumpkin with them, though,
he’s a two-bonus-dice weapon on Santa’s side of any
This room contains the ruined contents of an emotional or intellectual fight … while this is the core
occult laboratory – the original cottage where spirit of Santa, he’s also an icon of Envy, and Santa
Santa’s experiments went awry. All the surviv- Claus isn’t so stupid that he doesn’t know that his wife
ing wreckage is here, scarred and charred has spent a lot of quality time with Lumpkin, and
… books, beakers, alembics, half-melted much of it while wearing nothing but butter-
ancient talismans that could be mistak- scotch ice-cream topping. This is the part of
en, at a glance, for broken tree-orna- Santa that really really really isn’t cool with
ments. Augmenting these are freshly- that. The part of Santa that likes it, video-
constructed bookshelves extending to tapes it, and wrote to Penthouse Forum
the ceiling, sagging under the weight about it is a part of Santa the PCs have
of ancient books. You all feel a tin- already killed, back in New York.
gle of dread, since these books And speaking of Envy, that’s probably
seem very reminiscent of the mad the strongest card to play in any conversation
tome you saw in Tiny Tim’s night- about Rudolph. Santa’s driven by his envy of
mare version of the Cratchit house. the rest of Christmas, but he’s also envi-
You also notice that Envious Santa ous that Rudolph, and not he, is the
Claus is here, looking up from the ancient demon running the show.
book he’s reading and peering at you That’s because Envy is one of the
curiously over the rims of his specta- Seven Deadly Sons of Father Sin,
cles. His eyes twinkle as he offers a and Envy has envied Father’s power
welcoming “ho, ho, ho” in a soft for uncounted millennia, now.
but comforting tone. “And If the PCs make a new “friend,” Santa
what do you want for knows everything about what’s been going on,
Christmas?” and will spill in whatever detail is necessary
(including the entire story of Rudolph
Rein·Deer). If the PCs beat Santa up he’ll do
his best to escape via the hearth. If he can’t man-
Well, this could go all kinds of ways. If
age it and the PCs make a new corpse, they still have
they’ve spoken to both Lumpkin and Mandy, they’ll
Rudolph to deal with. Whatever goes on, goes on.
have a good idea that Santa Claus isn’t really the boss
of what’s going on (that would be Rudolph) and that This room contains some valuable occult notes
Santa Claus has cracks and seams in his evil-villain that the PCs will find if they poke around when Santa
exterior, revealing the jolly old softy somewhere isn’t here (see Player Handouts). He may or may not
inside. offer to share them if they strike a truce.
On the other hand, a rocket launcher to the face
is so much simpler than negotiating, which explains Rein·Deer Games
much of world history (even the parts prior to rocket
The castle’s Main Hall is a Christmas feasthall to
launchers).
end all feasthalls; it also serves as a command & con-
Santa is on the defensive, but he’s also very confi- trol center for Santa’s one-man war (seven-man war?)
dent, because here in his fortress his Christmas Magic on the truth of Christmas.
is quite strong, and because the sanctum has a fire-
One man and a reindeer, that is.
74
75
Rudolph Rein·Deer strides down the center of this bling under a lid of respect for what Christmas stands
massive chamber, looking very tiny against the back- for, even if the Christmas lifestyle had dealt him the
drop of vaulted ceilings, the glossy green-marble floor, short end of the antler. Santa had power, but there’s
the magnificent throne, and heavy trestle tables more to villainy than power, and Father Sin made his
weighed down with an unending Christmas feast. choice: he would join with Rudolph, and give Santa
It isn’t just a trick of scale. Remember, on page over to his Seven Deadly Sons.
11, when Dasher explained that reindeer aren’t tiny? Now, little Rudolph’s nose glows bright
Most reindeer aren’t tiny. Rudolph Rein·Deer is red, inhabited by the extracosmic evil of
tiny. Too tiny too pull a magic sleigh, which Father Sin. And as he strides, his tiny hooves
meant he was teased, endlessly, by Dasher click gently on the marble, but he
and the others. Too tiny hears thundering hoofbeats.
to impress Samantha, Rudolph is still tiny, but
too, which meant when he feels gigantic.
she was in the mood for Rudolph has no
some “reindeer games,” antlers to speak of,
Rudolph was just the towel but in combat, he will
boy, handycam operator, and try to gore people with them,
fluffer. anyway, because he feels them
I’m sure I mean he fluffed the towels. there. He knows they’re there. He’s
I’m fairly sure. Only Dancer would be willing to loopy, I tell you.
admit otherwise, and then only after a few drinks. “So,” the tiny reindeer says, his nose flaring bright
But Rudolph seemed outwardly festive and con- red. “These are the meddlesome idiots whom Dasher
tent. Santa was always kind to him, and to help little and his pathetic team hired.” If Santa’s present, he’ll
Rudolph feel involved, Santa invited him to be part of turn to Santa and say “Are they not pathetic, Santa
the team researching the applications of Christmas Claus?”
Joy in the laboratory that fateful night. Santa nods and grins. “Whatever you say, kid.
A very ancient spell went very wrong, and sum- Whatever you say.”
moned some very bad, very old, very angry things. He’ll say that no matter who’s side he’s on.
At first, the most primal of these demons – a Rudolph will be too busy speechifying to notice, any-
being called “Father Sin” by many – wanted to inhab- way.
it Santa Claus directly. Santa was flawed enough, and Some things to consider when whatever happens
powerful enough, to make a sensible host. next starts happening (and then some things to con-
But Rudolph! Rudolph glowed with inner hatred, sider when wrapping it up):
with resentment, with self-loathing, with desire for a There are a lot of NutCrackers here. They will
vengeance, with confusion, with seething rage bub- obey either Santa Claus or Rudolph.
a There are a lot of Elves here. They still can’t take

RUDOLPH REIN•DEER Rudolph seriously and will obey Santa.
a
Description: Rudolph was once an ordinary, peace-
loving reindeer that the other reindeer really could
a There is one Frosty, sweating visibly and making a
have been nicer to. Then, he became possessed by a puddle on the floor. He’d really like to be excused
malignant spirit from the beginning of time during and step outside where its cold. Rudolph has
Santa’s failed experiment, at which point his nose been using him as a source of shaved ice for mak-
began to glow with demonic possession and typog- ing cranberry daiquiris (see page 33), so there are
i
rapher’s bullet appeared mysteriously in the middle

of his name.
visible scoop-marks in his midsection.
Clichés: Living Embodiment of All Sin and Hatred a There’s plenty of food around. Food’s fun in a
(6), Pipsqueak Reindeer (2), Fluffer (5) fight.
75
76
a If the moats are drained and the energy shields a When Rudolph gets the fewmets kicked out of
are down, the Elf Rebellion will arrive like the him, he’ll return to normal size (if applicable) and
cavalry sometime in the middle of the action start sobbing. He’s his old self again, but his nose
(whatever the action is). If the PCs were kind to will forever glow as a reminder of the resentment
Willie the toy tank, he’ll bust through a wall, too, he once harbored, and the evil it attracted. This
eager to help his friends. experience has purged him of those resentments
entirely; it’s been very therapeutic.
a Rudolph will probably assume that Santa Claus is
on his side whether he is or not. If Santa Claus a Mrs. Claus can, in fact, rejoin the Santa Clauses
isn’t present (that is, if the PCs killed Santa in the into a single, pure and Jolly old Elf, and she can
secret lab), Rudolph will cockily assume that do so without Envy being a corpse. It’s a very
Santa will show up at any moment to help seal sparkly ritual, and from it emerges the very real,
the doom of the PCs. very loving, larger-than life Santa Claus, whole
and eager to get to work setting things aright.
a Rudolph is up for plenty more speeching, and
will, in particular, rant a bit about goring the PCs a If the PCs somehow failed to save the Santa
with his “magnificent antlers.” This should make it Corpses for the ritual, Mrs. Claus has one final
very plain that he’s a few bricks short of an igloo. trick up her sleeve – she can invest the power of
Santa into another. She will ask one of the PCs to
a If the PCs have read some of the occult scraps in take the job.
the lab, and they decide to try to ritual implied
there, they can, sure enough, summon up
Dread Cthistmas to devour his ancient foe, Holly Jolly Dénouement
Father Sin. Rudolph will grow to match the
monster’s height, though, and the two of There’s no way to know exactly how all the
them will have a titanic giant-monster pieces (and all the PCs) will fall into place at the
fight that starts tearing the castle apart end. Every group does it differently, and that’s a
(the room is big enough to contain them beautiful thing. We can, however, know the situa-
both … if they’re standing still). Those two tion at the end of the final argument, the final bat-
forces will cancel one another out, but tle, the final return to grace … So this ending is
cause extreme collateral damage and how it can usually end. Adjust at need:
provide a dangerous source of falling It’s Christmas Eve. There is a job to be
rock and ice during whatever else goes done. If Santa Claus is his old self again, he’ll
on. The two will destroy each other in be eager to do it. The rest of this mess can be
the end, leaving only a tiny and bat- cleaned up in the morning ... Might the PCs
tered Rudolph Rein·Deer (or be interested in coming along? There’s a
rather, reindeer) free from world full of children waiting. A world full
ancient evil (see below). of children Santa won’t disappoint again.
An Elf runs up to report: “There’s a
a If the PCs tried to bring Envy terrible fog tonight, sir. And with the
over to the good-guy side and sleigh in banged-up shape, I’m not
didn’t quite manage it before, sure if you could safely navigate it.
they can try again here and It seems to be some kind of last
now, and this time – if they’re remnant of the lingering evil …”
sincere – it’ll work. Santa will
Little Rudolph looks hopefully
switch sides in mid-fray
at Santa Claus …
if the PCs try hard
You know, I’m sure, what
enough to get him to.
Santa asks of him.
The End
76
Choice of Fries or Slaw Bar-B-Q Feast!
All Rib Orders Come With
You Need Christ ?
Roman Wine: 1 Shekel cup, 8 Shekel pitcher Everybody Needs Christ !
#3 All-U-Can Eat Ribs: 7 Shekels ADAM HAS CHRIST ! ! !
#2 Big Man's Plate: 5 Shekels (Supplies Limited)
#1 Rib Basket: 4 Shekels
******
****** #1 Christ Basket: 5 Shekels
(w/Slaw & Shepherd Pie)
#2 Christ-On-A-Stick: 3 Shekels
ADAM HAS RIBS ! ! ! #3 Jaweh Burger: 4 Shekels
Everyone Wants Ribs ! Roman Wine: 1 Shekel cup, 8 Shekel pitcher
You Want Ribs ?
Pork Ribs! Lamb Ribs! Camel Ribs! Fond of our Yahweh Burgers ???
Ask for the "Yahweh – All the Way"
Bar-B-Q Feast! for extra relish and mustard at no extra cost!
“Holy Infant – So Tender and Mild!”
ard
el, kringleg
to the citad
H
r dq
ea
eb u
Com Toy
plex
el ar
li te
o r
n s
Val e War
ring of warehouses
ley
Th
elf laborer cottages
s
au
cl
cl
au
s
X a
nt ne
sa la
a
nt ne
sa la
sentinel
towers
perImiter guarded by "frostie" units
MANDATORY
LOYALTY QUIZ
This form required for all Elves of Class

8c.II through 12d.IV inclusive, and for
any Elves employed in the security or
toy testing departments regardless of
pay grade or rank.
Ask your superior if you are unsure.

Report any nagging feelings of dissent
immediately. We can help.
North Pole Printing Office

Level 14
Jolly Obsidian Fortress of Obedient Cheer
North Pole
Not For Distribution to the Mundane World
master General
349343.34345.33-ABJGD-3.4 Tinkleberry, Prints
Do you have what it takes to be part of the New Christmas Order? Take
this simple loyalty test and hand it to your superior officer. Please use a #2
pencil only and fill circles completely. Choose only one response per
question. Failure to comply may be interpreted as evidence of dissent.
Finish the following sentences:
Christmas …
REMEMBER:
Is a time of family and giving and feasting.
Is a time to celebrate Christ’s birth and watch Peanuts on T.V.
Is the global day of Santa Claus worship.
Santa Claus …
Is comin’ to town.
Jolly
Should respect his place as one facet of a great holiday.
Has a very attractive ass.
= Dead Baby Jokes Are …
In very poor taste.
Moral Kind of old by now.
Funny if it’s Jesus.
The Secret Chamber Behind the Energy Shield Control Room is

= Where I once had sex with Mrs. Claus
Where I frequently have sex alone
Obedient Off Limits
For bonus loyalty affirmation and possible promotion, check only

one from each pair:
Stuffing Cranberry Sauce Turkey Douglas Fir
Mashed Gravy Ham Colorado Blue

Potatoes Spruce
KringleGard: Citadel of Santa
Energy Shield
Generator Blades
Great Hall
Shield Control
Executive
Chambers
Administration &
Functions
Barracks &
Residence
Skating
Gymnasium
Entry Zones
(Cellars and
Dungeons Below)
Detailed Directory
Aardvark Ranching 7A & 9C-R Leather Repair 31X, 31B
Abacus Storage 50F Lecture Hall 26V
Abattoir/Theater 44G-J Lederhosen Claims 1N, 1P
Audio Recording/Studio 14T-N Ledgers Library 19Y
“ The elder tomes speak of another way to
N
remove Father Sin. It is not banishment but
is
an eldritch challenge by a similarly ancient
t
ted
p
the
being. Any of the vast demons from Beyond
a
u
n
r
i
e
e large
The World can be called upon to face
her Sin
briefer poin
h
AUGHT
ay fla-
thy with ma
know)?
t
beaten shitle
their human
and even un
s
y which
humanity, an
It is folly to
er defea
evil, and inh
Father Sin in battle, and if there is cosmic
eak of
Y !
ing but a m
alignment, the two great beings will occupy
ich will
altogether h
kk the
achieved
s of Fat
uld he
and ultimately defeat one another, leaving
allows (
ch is to
nique) b
akk nev
tical sp
rs
nkind, and
this world safe until they are once again
t in time. T
i
ss, owing to
S
gled and co
done by the
mes wh
natures. Th
of Sirsa
may be
uman. Indee
brought down by proud sorcerers too big-
the like
presume the
how wo
illennia-dee
marshm
te (whi
f a tech
arenthe
headed to fit into their tacky wizarding
uman fragil
d (but
mic fla
hats. The ritual is child's play; the summon-
ritings
ity.
sticks)
demon
him, so
test tas
hey bond in
may be dist
roasted
er need merely stare Father Sin in the nose
(more o
ir own natu
ey may also
d, they are
tingly P
their physic
ra
sy
ncentrated in
c
re
defeate
and shout out the name of the opposing
n
p reflection o
spirits to be
al,
intercos
be
s,
f
when a
“ The w
ted
demon. While shouting, the summoner must
kind, on
to a
the grea
mpa-
vor) of
oth-
method
only
Unrelen
give up something precious to him, destroy-
ing it in clear sacrifice. The flaw in this
one of them can barely
walk . . . "simple" method is that the entreaty may
Lords present and only be shouted to a vast demon that the
hope; we have only two
ms an impossible summoner has already encountered. And so
the Ritual of Twelve see
vast demons, and
can summon one of the it is a cruel joke of dark magic, for who
ed. None of us
. . . I think we are doom among us has encountered Dark Ctheaster
and survived? Who has gazed upon Dread
Cthistmas and escaped with his soul intact?
Who has survived meeting the likes of Wild
Notes and Fragments in the Secret Chamber

Ctharbor Day or Uspeakable Cthwanzaa?
This
MEANS
his wretched sons . . .

Somethin
g
an odor, that naught can get out,
be permitted or defeated. He
. . . To banish Father Sin, once he
even with repeated scrubbing. For

has been invited, is to banish one's
and those secrets will die with me.

The bleak and selfish Father must
ment are excluded from this tome,
these reasons, the rituals of banish-
and regret. There will also be quite
own soul to eternal chaos, torment,
cannot be simply dismissed, nor can

The Kringle Kribsheet: NPCs By Chapter
Antonio: Fun-Loving Bartender (3), King Herod the Great: Roman Yes-Man (4),
Businessman (1), Master Chef (1), Romeo (1), 1 King (3), Civil Engineering Enthusiast (2), 4
Wannabe Rock Star (1), Pervy Tree-Fancier (1) Barry Gibb (5), Frustrated Cartoonist Creator
of “Zippy The Magic Bug” (1)
Maria: Fun-Loving Bartender (3), The One Around
Here Who Can Actually Do Stuff (3), Every Cranuloids from Planet Obulon: Arch-Eyebrowed
Drunkard’s Bashful Crush (3) Telepath (3), Members of an Advanced Alien Race (3)
Captain Dasher, Magic Reindeer: Christmas Icon Big Harley: Eccentric Baker (4), Ornery Jerusalem
(3), Action Hero (4), Beast of Burden (4) Redneck (4), Charismatic Cult Leader (2)
Magic Reindeer (The Other Seven): Clichés: Big Adam: Eccentric Rib Chef (5), Vicious Madman
Christmas Icon (3), Beast of Burden (4), Big Fan of (2) Charismatic Cult Leader (3)
Dasher (3)
Baby Jesus: Baby Jesus (6)
Philo Hackdream - Santa Hunter: Tireless

Occult Investigator (2), Vampire-Hunter (1), 2 Christmas Elf: Jolly Toymaker (5), Natural-
Food-Service Lifer (3) Born Adventurer (3), Christmas Caroler (3).
Note: Some Elves also have the additional
5
Santa Drone: Mindless Servant (1), with a bonus- cliché, Dentistry (2); some loyal to Envious
die weapon making them (2) dice foes. Grunt- Santa Claus now have the Goose-Stepping Bullyboy
squads theoretically unlimited. (3) cliché, as well.
Santa Claus: Magical Christmas Icon (6), Stud Mrs. Samantha Claus: Christmas Icon (2), Cat on a
Muffin (4), Demoniac Avatar of [Specific Sin] (3). Hot Tin Roof (6), Resistance Leader (3)
Keller’s Department Store Security (Day Shift): Frosties: Mindless Servant (3). They can form grunt-
Oblivious Rent-A-Cop (2). They can manage up to squads worth up to 10 dice, total. Special
four dice as a squad. Weaknesses: Anyone using fiery weapons
(flamethrowers, napalm, phosphorous launchers, cig-
Keller’s Department Store Security (Night Shift): arette lighters, slices of warm toast) against a Frostie
Entirely Oblivious Rent-A-Cop (1). If there’s a ruckus doubles the result of any combat rolls against the
that alerts a dozen of them at once, they can form easily meltable fiends. Anyone removing a Frosty’s
large grunt squads worth as many as two dice, total. silk hat will reduce it to a pile of lifeless snow.
Willie the Toy Tank: Childlike Implement of

Destruction (4)
Jacob Marley’s Ghost: Ersatz Tortured Spirit NutCrackers: Robot Soldier (2).
(3), Financier (3) 3 They can form grunt-squads of
up to six dice.
Dark Spawn of Shub-Tannenbaum:
Hideously Fleshy and Festive Monster (3) and/or Little Lumpkin: Friendly
Grunt Squad (ranging from 6 to 10 dice). Confectioner (5), Leader of Men
and Elves (4), Bedroom Athlete
Mint Monster: Gratuitous Source of Random Hung Like a Mutant Caribou
Violence (6), Gratuitous Source of Even More (6). If using the double-pump
Random Violence if the Other Cliché Takes Lots of option, this last cliché is [3],
Damage (5), Gratuitous Source of Relatively Pathetic instead, and Lumpkin never hes-
Resistance When All Else Fails (1) itates to pump it if Samantha
wants it pumped.
Dread Cthistmas: Elder Dark Sorcerer (6), Big
Whoppin’ Monster (6), Sh’nath Claugh Mandy: Ordinary Kid (2), Latent Pyrokinetic (1)
Gwyrth’lesh (3)
Rudolph Rein•Deer: Living Embodiment of All Sin
Tiny Tim: Pitiful Waif (3), Eldritch Sorcerer (6), and Hatred (6), Pipsqueak Reindeer (2), Fluffer (5)
Ukulele Player (1), Charismatic Cult Leader (3)

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A Kringle

With Special Thanks

Playtest & Useful Commentary: Paul Blotkamp,

Copyright © 2003 by S. John Ross. Risus: The Anything

Jesus Christ, who appears

This is an adventure about cannibalism and about

Deadly Combat When combining this option with Boxcars &

Description: The owner and usual barkeep at

to the World, but seem to have managed a compro-

Drunkard’s Bashful Crush (3) There is another loud THUMP.

The bar falls silent, and several of the local

A Sudden Noise the huge brick fireplace. Small fragments of

A dusty, sooty shape lowers itself clumsily into

“Merry Christmas,” it says.

This is Dasher, the captain of the Claus Elite

unremarkable (rear) alleyway

EXPANDING THE SCENE

CAPTAIN DASHER, MAGIC REINDEER

Clichés: Christmas Icon (3), Action Hero (4), Beast of

MAGIC REINDEER (THE OTHER SEVEN)

Typical reindeer live in subarctic tundra regions,

brown to snow-white by season and locale.

The Christmas job is a tough one. Santa Claus

Stuck-Up and Lazy Santa are teamed up in

Dasher (after crushing out his cigarette and order-

If Every Day Were Just

Gluttonous, Perverted, Greedy, Angry, Lazy, and

she’s married to. If there are any corpses missing

Why Not Just Go to the North Pole and

Once the PCs have seated up, the Reindeer will

A Sleigh Ride Together SANTA’S SLEIGH: IT MEANS WHAT IT IS

With You Santa’s sleigh is loaded down with electronic goodies

a Statue of Liberty: The traditional “first sight” of

Hunter ineffectually with candy.

Talking With Philo

Philo will gladly share all this information; he likes

Philo will take a liking to the PCs fairly easily,

“Slay Bells Ring – Are As the sound grows ever loud-

Santa himself lacks the stomach for killing right

the PC. If any PCs are killed by drones or eaten by

a Gloria Mainer: Gloria has a vaguely spaced-out

stores. He believes the center is Keller’s, in particular,

younger, and seem more awake.

Santa’s Head-Patting The Part Where the Store

$5.95!” The meal includes a turkey burger slathered

face higher numbers). Those less fond of discretion

scene of the evil Santas’ next diabolical plot (it’s set

Pervert Santa stands to

Game Masters, we can know that the actual method

NEXT INTERESTING AREA adventure … Shame on you. And shame on me.

If there are two Santas, they’ll behave similarly

a The PCs should also remember to take any Santa

a The PCs can fly through the gateway if they want,

a If the PCs are doing very very poorly, one of the

You can’t help but notice that the snow, which

than he realizes that he isn’t Jacob Marley.

Upstairs ground floor

Map Key The Kitchen: A small, coal-burning stove sits

If the PCs attack him anyway, he won’t fight back.