Kirngle All The Way - Risus Christmas Adventure
Kirngle All The Way - Risus Christmas Adventure
Kirngle All The Way - Risus Christmas Adventure
A Kringle
in Time
I have endeavoured in this Ghostly little book, to raise the Ghost of an Idea, which
shall not put my readers out of humour with themselves, with each other, with the season, or with me. May it haunt their houses pleasantly, and no one wish to lay it.
Charles Dickens
S. John Ross
Writing, Design, Cartography,
Production & Illustration
Santa Claus
Technical Consultant
Dedicated
... To Sam Ross, my Dad, who likes to pretend he doesnt
care much about the holidays. Love you, Pop.
Playtest & Useful Commentary: Paul Blotkamp,
Timothy O. Driscoll, Barb Fischer, Brian Flanagan, Vanora
Hagen, Guy Hoyle, Dave Insel, Ken Muscles Johnson,
Tim Kirk, Shawn Lockard, Doug Milewski, Rob Perkins, Paul
Reed, Cody Reichenau, and Sandra Ross. Additional proofreading assistance by Cody Reichenau and Demian Katz.
Creativity, Unbound
Contents
CONTENTS
A CHRISTMAS STORY
GETTING STARTED
Deadly Combat . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .7
Swing Combat . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .7
A Sudden Noise . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .9
What To My Wondering Eyes Should Appear . . . . .11
If Every Day Were Just Like Christmas . . . . . . . . . .12
Of Course They Will . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .13
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Table of Contents
A Christmas Story
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Dum, De-Dum, Delightful
Getting Started
T
O USE A BEWHISKERED CLICH, the holiday season means a lot of things to a lot of
people. For some, its the pristine beauty of a
snow-crusted country evening, warmed by a comfortable helping of mulled wine. For others, its the ratrace of an adrenaline-charged City Christmas, with
eager shoppers in search of unique playthings to give
to each other. To many, it means placing familiar
objects lovingly on a tree, and gathering with family
to forget the worries of an ailing world for a few days.
Christmas is not traditionally a time of high
adventure and danger.
But there was a Christmas (not too long ago)
when something extraordinary happened. When a
handful of people came face to face with the magic of
Christmas. They knew that this was the true magic of
Christmas, so they killed it. This is their tale.
Or rather, its yours. For, like any legend, this
Christmas story has thus far been more about the
truth than the facts, so there are many questions left
unanswered. Who were these people, called upon to
save Christmas? Did they really pull it off? Was there
sex? Were there Vikings?
To find the answers, a little exploring is called for
a journey that puts a bullet into every Christmas
icon that we hold dear. And you just might find that
you learn the true meaning of Christmas along the
way. Youve been warned.
This is an adventure about saving Christmas from
ancient evil. This is an adventure about murdering
Santa Claus for his own good (seven times). This is
an adventure about shopping,
and family, and eggnog, and
Jesus Christ, who appears
here courtesy of the Almighty
God, along with his robot
duplicate. This is an adventure
about the stress of fast-food
employment, the grandeur
of world-domination plans,
the difficulty of pronouncing things in Welsh, and
about toys nobody wants.
This adventure takes place in the Risusiverse [reeSUSS-ih-verss], specifically on Risus Earth. The features of Risus Earth are as follows:
Its just like modern-day Earth
b
h
Be cautioned that many scholars, journalists, novelists, scientists, filmmakers and historians have no formal training as RPG engineers and cant be trusted
on important matters of accuracy or game balance.
Use your best judgment and, if in doubt, ask your
Game Master.
Those responsible for depictions of the Risusiverse
should please remit royalties to Cumberland Games
& Diversions. Many of you are long overdue on your
payments. Im looking at you, Ovid.
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Risus: A Kringle in Time
Introduction
6
This is an adventure about cannibalism and about
rotting corpses, but probably not at the same time.
What all this means is: this Risus adventure has
been carefully crafted to fit seamlessly into your existing Risus: The Anything RPG campaign, even if
its very serious. Especially if its very serious. If
youre running an especially serious Risus campaign, you need this adventure more than you probably know. Wherever the PCs are, whomever the
PCs are, whatever the PCs are, Santas magic reindeer will seek them out, having decided that they
and they alone are the perfect band of adventurers to
save Christmas. And then its the proverbial romp
through space and time. You know the proverbs of
which I speak, Im sure.
To keep the text uncluttered, Ill be writing the
adventure to begin (and, if things go well, conclude)
at an ordinary bar & grill called Antonios, tucked into
an ordinary city on Risus Earth (see page 5).
If youre using this adventure with an established
campaign, just move those parts of the adventure to
the groups ordinary haunt. If they hang out, instead,
at a fantasy tavern with lusty bar-wenches, start it
there. If they hang out at a seedy spaceport terminal,
start it there instead. If the PCs are all senior citizens
stuck in an assisted-living community, start it in the
cafeteria or the day room. If the PCs are a group of
costumed superheroes, start it in the executive snack
lounge of their superteam headquarters. If the PCs
are a group of costumed superheroes who cant afford
an executive snack lounge, maybe its high time they
considered switching sides and becoming supervillains. If the PCs seem to live in a world without
Christmas well, thats about to change, at least as
far as theyre concerned.
NPC STATS
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Risus: A Kringle in Time
Introduction
7
Deadly Combat
Risus assumes that combat isnt automatically or even ordinarily - deadly. A lot of Risus combats
dont even involve physical forces; theyre psychological, social, abstract, even artistic. But the same
assumption carries over to physical fight scenes: If two
men duel with swords, the winner can win by disarming his opponent and dropping his trousers to
embarrass him. In a gunfight, the defeated party may
be out of ammo and caught reloading, with a pistol
barrel shoved against his temple. In a dogfight
between World War I flying aces, the Red Baron can
line Snoopy up for the kill but then - sportingly spare his life because this is the Christmas version of
the song. Use this option for campaigns where none
of the above is really true, for games where the Risus
approach to combat is presented in a more traditional
mode, and where a fight is - more often than not settled by serious or even deadly wounds. With the
Deadly Combat option in play, the following rules
changes apply:
Swing Combat
This is a good way to handle swashbuckling cinematic play. Every combat
is either Deadly or Not Deadly, from the
beginning. The aggressor normally determines which. When
in doubt, the Game Master
decides. Deadly combats use
the rules for the Deadly Combat option.
Not Deadly combats use the regular
Risus rules.
Once committed to battle, the winner is more limited in his choice of
spoils. In a deadly combat, the losers
must be injured to a degree appropriate to the weapons involved - not necessarily killed, but definitely shot,
stabbed, beaten, burned, lased,
phased, disrupted, spaced, blown up,
broken, run over, frozen, hacked, julienned, punctured, lacerated, etc. as appropriate for the armaments applied to their person. By contrast, the winner
of a Not Deadly combat must be sporting. He cant
kill his foes or seriously hurt them (a few bruises or
inconsequential flesh wounds are fine), but must
defeat them in some other, more inventive and amusing, fashion.
bet about stabbing between your fingers. Since everybody wants cheap beer, good pizza, the occasional
fried eggplant sub and a place to feel at home, everybody gets along, most of the time.
They get along especially well when Antonio
decides to throw a Christmas party, and every 365
days or so, Maria (thats Antonios assistant barkeep)
pulls out a huge dusty box and decks Antonios halls
for all theyre worth. Garland is hung over the stuffed
jackalope heads that adorn the walls, fake snow is
sprayed on the windowsills, the windows, on the
tables, the floors, the bartop, and often Antonios
armpits. The ceiling is dotted with mistletoe, and the
stage (Antonio gets live bands in on weekends)
becomes overflowing with a gigantic scotch pine, itself
overflowing with lights, ornaments, and tinsel.
Tacky, some say. But not to Marias face. Shes
sweet provided she isnt angered.
This very night is the climax of it all: the
Christmas Eve Bash. Our Heroes have already
arrived, settled into some good times and hard drinks.
The hour is getting late, and Marias dipping into
Antonios custom eggnog, which is even now overflowing in the punchbowls. Shes weaving through the
ANTONIO
Description: The owner and usual barkeep at
Antonios Bar and Grill. Hes an affable guy, pretty
young for a business owner, and pretty unlikely to
engage in any combat that doesnt involve drinking
contests, pitching pennies, or spitting distances. He
loves to have a good time and enjoys pretty much
anything that doesnt require math. Hes a guitarist
when nobodys around, which is to say that when he
hauls out his guitar, people suddenly remember how
late it is.
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Risus: A Kringle in Time
MARIA
Description: Antonios chief assistant barkeep,
Marias tough, smart, witty and capable. She flirts
playfully, but she has no patience for artless lechers
with wandering paws and no useful dialogue. The
bar is an excuse for Antonio to pretend hes 22 years
old forever, but thanks to Maria its also a successful,
stable business.
A Sudden Noise
After a while, the party will die down, and the
evening turns mellow, with sodden carols sung by
sodden carolers. The gigantic pizza in the shape of a
holly wreath is all but gone, with Maria picking listlessly at a stray pepperoni while she listens politely to a
customer sobbing into his beer about how irritating
his mistresses are. In the corner, a beagle is stoned
hard on root beer, and apparently believes hes in
France in World War I. The regulars cant decide if
theyre singing Hark, The Herald Angels Sing or Joy
Check to see if the PCs are doing anything interesting at this point. If they run outside to check the
roof, they can make out very little; the sleet has
turned unexpectedly to heavy snowfall. If they draw
their own weapons, thats cool (even Antonio is going
for the shotgun he keeps under the till).
A dusty, sooty shape lowers itself clumsily into
the hearth but its no human shape, no jolly
red-suited shape. Its legs end in cloven hooves,
and its massive body is covered with pale,
shaggy fur. The beast stands erect on two hind
legs, and stares at you with gigantic, glassy
eyes. Its head bears enormous antlers.
Merry Christmas, it says.
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Risus: A Kringle in Time
pool table
(house game is
nine-ball)
Storage
Restrooms
stairs
leading
down
Kitchen
darts
Bar
fireplace
(Important)
Stage
(currently
filled w/tree)
More darts
(Not important)
Play up the Christmas-party atmosphere, and let the PCs do anything they feel like. Explore the comedic possibilities of
mistletoe, the fireplace (lit for the occasion), and stockings hung by the chimney with care (or, at least, with tacks). Go
around the table at least once to see how everyone spends time at the party. If you want to warm them up with a little
character-establishing action before the real adventure kicks in, try one of these on for size:
Get Your Paws Off: A surly local gets a little too drunk and starts pawing at Maria every time she passes. Marias a pro
at this sort of thing; she politely ignores him when possible, firmly but sweetly slaps his hand away otherwise. It doesnt
ruffle her feathers; its old news. If any of the PCs are awash in chivalric testosterone, though, they might step in to make
it more trouble than its worth, sparking off a festive holiday brawl. Better still, any Romeos in the party might decide to
look much more appealing compared to the drunkard, and engage him in a more genteel combat of comparative flirtation. The Drunk has the effective clichs Surly Drunk (3) and Charming Man-About-Town (1). If backed into a corner, hes
also a NASCAR Aficionado (2).
Caroling, Caroling: A group of Christmas carolers drops in to kick the snow from their boots and warm up with drinks.
They greet the bar with a song but the PCs know that any singing in this bar is, by tradition, an invitation to a singing
contest. Remind the players of this solemn tradition. The entire bar will stand behind them, providing (useless, in game
terms) backup for the musical combat that ensues. The carolers are a Grunt-Squad with Tireless Bringers of Good Cheer
(5). If they defeat the PCs, theyll reduce them all to tears with their gentle carol about the sympathies of Good King
Winceslas, and then slam them to the floor with the nostalgia of White Christmas.
The Thing in the Basement: Antonio crooks a finger at one or all of the PCs; he wants to speak privately. When hes
sure that nobodys looking, hell glance back at the storeroom. I been hearin things downstairs today. Been afraid to go
down there Youve always seemed like the sort who wouldnt be bothered by a little trouble. Check it out for me, and
Ill do a round of drinks on the house. What do you say? Maybe its just rats. Maybe its a teenage couple making out.
Maybe its a stray dog that squirmed in through the basement window to get out of the cold (now eager to follow a group
of PCs around). Maybe its 25 levels of dungeon-delving bliss with a beer motif because theres no bar anywhere that
doesnt secretly have a dungeon adventure waiting right beneath it.
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Risus: A Kringle in Time
What To My Wondering
Eyes Should Appear
Dasher, the lead Reindeer, casually tosses out a
pack of Camels and taps one free. He offers them
around to the PCs as well, and then goes the rounds
with his lighter. After taking a few long, heavy drags
on his cigarette (Reindeer have big lungs) hell crush it
out and exhale quietly. All of the weapons in bar will
slowly lower to sides or find holsters again, and the
people who had been so tensely aiming them will
start muttering in confusion. There is magic in the air,
despite Dashers apparent determination to ruin it by
doing some kind of James Dean routine.
As youve guessed, the PCs have come face to
face with none other than (sing along) Dasher and
Dancer and Prancer and Vixen, Comet and Cupid
and Donner and Blitzen those very same tiny
Reindeer that pull Santas magic sleigh every
Christmas Eve. Your more alert players will probably
recall that this is Christmas Eve, and these Reindeer
are not currently pulling a sleigh, magical or otherwise. They arent tiny, either.
The sleighs on the roof, theyll say, if asked.
The whole tiny things a myth, theyll explain.
Santas been split into avatars of evil and couldnt make it, theyll add, if the topic comes up. Theyll
make sure that it does.
GAMING IS EDUCATIONAL!
The color of a reindeers coat varies from chestnutbrown to snow-white by season and locale.
Male reindeer can weigh upwards of 700 pounds.
Reindeer enjoy guitars, long walks on the beach,
unfiltered cigarettes, and Snapple.
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Risus: A Kringle in Time
Pervert Santa and Gluttonous Santa are on the mission in New York. Theyre trying to undermine the
commercial side of Christmas by destroying the toyretail industry (using nuclear weaponry) and by giving away any toys that survive the carnage.
Avaricious and Angry Santa are in Victorian London
and Wales, respectively. Their mission got complicated when they werent getting along. Too complicated
to get into in this sidebar; see page 33. For now, rest
secure in the knowledge that it involves black magic,
giant tentacular elder beings, and Ebenezer Scrooge.
Dasher (after crushing out his cigarette and ordering a Heineken) will recount all of the parts of the
story that he can remember, occasionally glaring at
one of the other reindeer when they interrupt.
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Risus: A Kringle in Time
MISSION DETAILS
Dasher knows all the important details of the task set
before the PCs, but he wont spill it all at once in
bland exposition unless the PCs request it. Hell focus
on the most important and immediate matter that
two of the meddling Santas are working wickedness
in New York City. Hell push for an immediate trip to
the Big Apple to hunt them down, and reveal the rest
as questions (or questionable tactics) arise:
Yeah, okay.
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Risus: A Kringle in Time
GAMING IS EDUCATIONAL!
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Risus: A Kringle in Time
a Brooklyn and Queens: These gigantic boroughs across the bridges from Manhattan are
cities in their own right. Unless youre frantic for a
good baseball card shop or a Patty Duke Show
historian, theres little of interest beyond endless
rows of dilapidated townhouses. La Guardia airport is here, just north of Queens proper and easily accessible from Grand Central Parkway. East of
Queens is Long Island.
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Risus: A Kringle in Time
bronx
new jersey
queens
Keller's
Philo's Apt.
Brooklyn
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Risus: A Kringle in Time
SANTA DRONE
Description: These are vagrants and other dispossessed types that Gluttonous Santa has recruited for
his army of well-fed wickedness. They look just like
what they are: scruffy men in Santa suits, with brass
bells and an iron pot on a tripod. They stand at
street corners ringing their bells and collecting coins,
waiting for some threat to appear so they can kill it.
They are thoroughly unremarkable in combat, and
have only the power of their Slay Bells with which to
do battle. For important functions, they attack in
really big teams.
The Slay Bells are magical sonic weapons that jangle
the nerves, disrupt flesh and bone at very close
range, and worst of all fill the mind of any victim
with intense holiday depression. Anyone holding a
Slay Bell is immune to its effects, something the PCs
will learn if they think to pluck one away from a foe.
Theyre bonus-die magic items when used as
weaponry, for either physical or emotional attacks.
Any Santa Drone taken prisoner and deprived of his
bell will not remember how he got where he is, or
why hes dressed like Santa Claus.
SANTA CLAUS
Freakish Bohemian
Christmas Party
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Risus: A Kringle in Time
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Risus: A Kringle in Time
Hackdream thinks that this is final, clinching evidence that the evil Santa Claus was/is operating out
of Kellers. If the PCs have mentioned that theyre
looking for a Pervert Santa in particular, hell be
even more adamant. If he still thinks theyve already
met the only evil Santa, hell be interested in cleaning out the minions or (if Santa defeated the PCs)
tracking down Claus himself for another go.
Regardless, he intends to check the place out. Are
they with him?
The PCs, if they are very clever, will say no
thanks, and go check out the store on their own. If
they are only marginally clever, theyll agree to go
along with Philo. Philo will set aside his sharpest
Vampire-Slayer wardrobe, and hit the hay, reading
Zolar books until he snoozes. The PCs (and the
Reindeer, if Philo knows about them) are welcome to
crash for the night.
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Risus: A Kringle in Time
Santas Head-Patting
Throne
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Risus: A Kringle in Time
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Risus: A Kringle in Time
The maps are a mix of utter rubbish (attractively doodled utter rubbish) and comfort for the Game Master.
If the PCs ever suspect youre just hedging them
along toward the next interesting area, you can flash
them the map, say see? and the map will pass any
kind of cursory inspection. Of course, between Evil
Game Masters, we can know that the actual method
to using a Risus map is to (A) Look at it, say Cool.
A map, and then (B) Let it give you a general idea
of the feel of the place, and then (C) just hedge the
PCs along toward the next interesting area.
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Risus: A Kringle in Time
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Risus: A Kringle in Time
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Risus: A Kringle in Time
Scrooges House
The Home of
Ebenezer scrooge
m
oo
edr
Upstairs
ground floor
garden
kitchen
entryway
Map Key
CRANBERRY DAIQUIRI
Here We Are As In
Olden Days
So here we have the PCs and Scrooge, with
Scrooge playing along with the gag until he can learn
more about who the PCs are and where they stand in
relation to his mission. Eventually, somebody should
take a bite of cheese.
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Risus: A Kringle in Time
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Risus: A Kringle in Time
Peace On Earth
Journey to Loch Nol
yawfl
t ryll
fores
isle of
shub-tannenbaum
village
Loch Noel
ey
w
ng
Ll
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Risus: A Kringle in Time
Miles to Go
Before They
Sleep
It Came Upon
a Midnight Clear
On the snow-covered island, the PCs can ditch
the boat and move in towards the flashing lights and
noises. When the PCs get close enough, read the
Groovy Boxed Text:
You peer out across a brightly-lit clearing in the
evergreens, illuminated in throbbing, changing
colors by a gigantic circular ring of Christmas
bulbs. Each bulb is larger than a man, and the
circle of lights surrounds a massive stone altar,
on which you see the form of kind, foolish Bob
Cratchit, his wife, his two daughters and one of
his sons. Theyre bound and gagged. The final
Cratchit looms above them on crutches, slowly
waving a holly wreath and shouting long
chants of tongue-twisting Welsh gibberish into
the falling snow. The gibberish is doing something. The ground trembles.
DREAD CTHISTMAS
If the Cratchits were still on the altar oopsie.
Scream, echo, scream, echo, crunch, gulp. Either way:
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Risus: A Kringle in Time
TINY TIM
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Risus: A Kringle in Time
RISUS Makes
Baby Jesus Cry
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Risus: A Kringle in Time
GAMING IS EDUCATIONAL!
Contrary to the playful reports of historians and linguists eager for a laugh at our expense, languages
like Aramaic and Hebrew (let alone Greek, Coptic,
etc) werent commonly spoken or written in biblical
times. The Jerusalem locals all speak English, but
with lots of thee and thine and didst thou and
yea, verily thrown in as regional slang. The
Romans speak English, too, but with vaguely British
accents and without the amusing local slang.
Hero Worship
As the PCs recover from the rough landing (the
terrain is rocky under the snow, and theyve halfcrashed into an olive grove), they notice an odd little
man dancing gleefully toward the sleigh. Read the following Groovy Boxed Text:
About 10 yards from the sleigh, dancing
strangely and making whoop! whoop! noises,
is a very odd little man. Hes dressed in local
garb a single linen body-shirt and sandals. He
eagerly dances toward the sleigh, and throws
himself face down onto the ground before all of
you. You make out an audible Crack! as his
face hits the rock.
Oh, strange visitors from the sky! You have
delivered unto me snow in the springtime, and
now do arrive in the guise of foreigners in a
chariot drawn by strange beasts! Have mercy
upon me! Please, are you devils? Are you
angels? Are you sent unto us as prophets? Have
mercy, please!
The mans name is Rath Bel-Gilrath, a simple carpenter from Jerusalem. When the snow started falling
two hours ago (it precedes the sleigh by two hours so
the sleigh has something to land on), he saw that it
was a miracle and ran out to the Mount of Olives.
That poor guy, says Dasher, is scared fewmetless.
44
JERUSALEM
The RISUS
Guide to
Biblical
Jerusalem
1 1
10
8
9
PC
s
He Enter
re-i
sh
GAMING IS EDUCATIONAL!
Bar-B-Q Feast!
******
#1 Rib Basket: 4 Shekels
#2 Big Man's Plate: 5 Shekels
#3 All-U-Can Eat Ribs: 7 Shekels
Roman Wine: 1 Shekel cup, 8 Shekel pitcher
All Rib Orders Come With
Choice of Fries or Slaw
The Ark of the Covenant contains some of the earliest writings on slaw. Not a lot of people realize that.
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Risus: A Kringle in Time
Exploring Jerusalem
When last we left our PCs (before the map key
muscled in), they had just dressed in wise men outfits and (speaking biblical all the way), trotted out the
door of Heribabs Smocks and Shrouds. Theyre
walking the Way of Cheesemongers in the City of
David. This probably isnt how they pictured their
evening when they walked into Antonios.
There arent any NPCs leaping out of the plot to
accost them just now, so theyre free to explore and
look into any number of things. Probable courses of
action include looking for Raths angels, searching
for Santa directly, and seeking out Baana the shirtmonger. Let the PCs enjoy the city and interact with
the natives; see the sections below to help you improvise encounters based on what theyre seeking. The
48
3-4
5-6
9-11
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Risus: A Kringle in Time
have an attractive member of the opposite sex clinging to them. By the time they reach the main hall,
they will be accompanied by a proud garrison of
guards as well, and four harpists playing delicate
melodies. By the time they reach the throne room,
there wont be much room left for the King.
But he squeezes in somehow.
Specifically, he squeezes in by having his retinue
stomp on anyone in his way. This will include one or
two of the attractive-members-of-the-opposite-sex that
the PCs had just seconds ago.
King Herod, surrounded by courtiers and Roman
dignitaries and rather a large collection of his own hot
babes, moves to a small throne and sits on it. It creaks
slightly hes a heavy dude. Hes a heavy dude with
a rosy nose and cheeks, twinkling eyes, and a great,
white beard. Its a Santa Claus. Theres just no doubt
about it. He doesnt look like he wants there to be
doubt. This is a Santa Claus cloaked in, among other
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Risus: A Kringle in Time
Angels Bending
Near the Earth
The PCs land on some very dirty straw, in a
very dark room. Feels like a cell.
There are five strangers in the room.
This will only become apparent once
the PCs eyes adjust to the dimness of
the cell. Thanks to the light of a single
torch, they can make out five figures, apparently
human and wearing obvious spacesuits.
Bright characters will immediately realize that
these strangers must be the angels Rath Bel-Gilrath
spoke of, complete with suits of silver and haloes in
the form of clear bubble-helmets. These arent angels,
though; they are Cranuloids from Planet Obulon.
The Cranuloids are sleeping off a good deal of
alcohol. One of them is half-awake and will address
the PCs after watching them for a little while:
Whoahh. Man, the last thing that I remember, we
were walking around this foul city asking after Christ,
right? Hes supposed to get born any day now, right,
52
BIG HARLEY
A Sudden Rescue
There are sounds of shouting and the clash of
swords from beyond the cell. Then, a door smashes
open, and a band of dozen men in black smocks and
black bakers hats storm into the room wielding
swords, and holding large, round shields made of
stale bread. One of the men, smiling, holds up a
bloody, severed hand clenching a ring of keys.
Stubborn guard, he remarks, in a swashbuckling
sort of tone. Come quickly! King Herod hath been
abducted and a false King sits upon his throne! You
53
CONFLICTING INTERPRETATIONS
a Harleys Men: Harley admits (with much apologetic hand-wringing) that hes lost most of his
men on raids against the false king. The men that
rescued the PCs, and the few straggling bakers
here in the lair (many of them elderly) are all he
has left to defend against possible sneak-attack
from Adam. Harley will assure the PCs, though,
that Adams House is but a lousy rib shack, and
it doth pose no real challenge for Visitors From
Heaven such as thineselves.
BIG ADAM
f
e
B
C
A classy thing
to say is:
When you
burp, you can
sort of taste
em all over
again.
ad
am
o 's
f h
ri ou
bs s
A
e
54
Risus: A Kringle in Time
lair of the
rib cultists
H
E
F
D Leads
Here
If the PCs dont come up with some sort of amusing tactic involving the barbecue sauce, shame on
them.
56
12 egg yolks
12 egg whites, beaten until retaining stiff peaks
2 cups sugar
2 quarts milk
1 quart heavy cream, beaten until vaguely thick
1 quart unbeaten cream
1 quart booze (2 parts spiced rum, 1 part brandy, 1
part bourbon)
A spice blend (1 part ground cinnamon, 4 parts grated nutmeg)
Your eyes come to rest on a peaceful and familiar scene it is the Nativity, with all the trimmings. There are Joseph and Mary, sitting quietly among a group of adoring animals (many
of which arent otherwise found in this part of
the world). There is a baby in the manger,
wrapped in swaddling clothes, and glowing with
strange alien energies that could blow the world
to smithereens. Santa Claus, wearing the robes
of King Herod and screaming angrily, tumbles
into the scene, wrestling with one of the
Cranuloids from Planet Obulon, while four
other aliens run around the manger shouting
Its already glowing! Its already glowing!
Joseph and Mary start in alarm, as Santa grabs
the child. One of the Cranuloids grabs it from
him, and a second glowing child appears in the
cradle in a burst of electric light. Another
Cranuloid grabs that child to keep it safe, fakes
out Santa in a dodge, and passes the child to
yet another Cranuloid. Santa pulls a third glowing infant from beneath his white robes, and
declares this child will make the name of Santa
synonymous with his own! just as one of the
other Cranuloids grabs it from him and trades it
with another Santa is fuming, and the
Cranuloids are panicking. Mary faints.
Someone tosses one of the babies directly
toward you.
BABY JESUS
Building Your
Nativity Scene
Hes so cute.
Clichs: Baby Jesus (6)
UR HEROES HAVE
ACHIEVED MUCH of their
mission. Pervert and
Gluttonous Santa died in New
York City. Angry and Avaricious
Santa met violent ends on Loch
Nol in the Welsh countryside, and
now both Lazy and Stuck-Up
Santa have assumed room temperature in ancient Judea. If all
has gone well, the corpses are
piled in the back of Santas own
magic sleigh, in varying states of
decomposition, with tongues
lolling and eyes bugged out and beards in disarray.
The PCs may or may not have an artificial baby
Jesus in their care. If they do, it requires changing.
The reindeer are silent on the brief journey forward in time, and you are left with your
thoughts in the comfortable benches of the
sleigh, surrounded by the chaotic red-and-white
swirl of the Christmas Magic tunnel through
time. Then, there is a bright snap of light, the
scent of pine, and a roar of cold air as you
emerge at incredible speed into a stark, bluegrey sky.
Below you, the magical realm of Santas North
Pole fills the visible landscape; the horizons are
obscured by the falling snow. Far from the barren ice-plains of the Earths mundane arctic
region, the land below is a varied region of
mountains, pine forests, and peaceful frozen
lakes. A network of nearby valleys is filled with
candy cottages, gigantic gingerbread-built toy
factories, and sugarplum barracks of all descriptions. Santas complex is the size of a small city
and its currently in flames. The smell of burnt
cookies stings in your nostrils. Night is falling
quickly another sure sign that this is a magical
land, and not the ordinary arctic.
Every now and then, even baby Jesus needs his diaper changed (which is to say, the strips of linen used
to swaddle him). Jesus is a very quiet, well-behaved
baby, so the PCs will know mainly by the smell. Reswaddling baby Jesus is a Difficulty 15 task for most
clichs that dont imply Bronze Age motherhood. If
you have time, though, play the changing-andreswaddling as a combat with the linen, which has
Swaddling Clothes (4). If the PC loses well, if
youve ever changed a baby, you know what happens when you lose.
59
Risus: A Kringle in Time
(Continued)
Dasher, leading the sleigh through the swirling
snow, shouts back It wasnt like this when we
left look! and points a forward hoof toward
the forest between the valleys, where a huge
tower dominates a plateau, icy-white and forbidding. Thats new, Dasher says. The castle
seems shrouded in darkness, with only a dim,
fiery glow in its highest turrets. High walls, three
moats, and two crackling Energy Shields surround it. The reindeer begin banking away, and
start a gentle dive towards a spot in the snowy
forest well clear of the tower but something
must have picked up the sleighs arrival,
because two missiles are streaking toward you
from the complex below.
We Got Upsot
The PCs find themselves in a thickly
wooded slope, in deep snow. Its dark.
Dasher will explain that those missiles
were only toys the real danger lies ahead. Hell butt
antlers with the rest of the team to form a plan of
attack. If the PCs lack antlers (pretty likely), hell loan
them some fake ones for the purpose.
The reindeer all agree that the most important
thing is to head straight for Mrs. Claus secret Elf
Rebellion cottage, which is deep in the forest beyond
the main village to the west (pardon my use of cardinal directions for the sake of convenience; things get
tricky in a magic kingdom right at the North Pole).
Dasher insists that everyone gather what they can
from the wreckage of the sleigh (if its wrecked) and
get moving. The Santa corpses can be dragged on
small sleds improvised from the wreckage or from
sacks left in the back. The sleigh even if its still
As you approach what was once a cheerful village square, you notice out of the corner of
your eye a tiny Elf, his clothes singed from the
flames, hiding in a dark alley with a large
candy-cane shaped gun in his arms. The
straight end of the giant confection is pointed at
all of you. He seems terrified.
61
Risus: A Kringle in Time
CHRISTMAS ELF
Description: These are the tiny, squeaky-voiced minions of Santas once-benevolent gift-distribution
industry. They are master toymakers. They like
singing Christmas carols, are exceptionally good harmonizers, and can be engaged in battles of song
instead of physical fights. Many of them are painfully
nave, convinced that no child would use an official
Doctor Napalm Excessively Realistic Rocket Launcher
to harm anyone. Some of the Elves are loyal to the
New Christmas Order; most are terrified by it
even many of those serving in Santas fortress. Santa
knows this, and thats why he has his robot-minded
NutCrackers acting as dungeon guards.
62
Risus: A Kringle in Time
Samanthas Cottage
63
Risus: A Kringle in Time
Th
Val e War
ley
Com Toy
plex
rd
l, kringlega
to the citade
ring of warehouses
n s
o r
li te
el ar
eb u
r dq
ea
s
au
cl
a
nt ne
sa la
sentinel
towers
Right Down
Santa Claus Lane
Warehouse Five
You find yourself at the gigantic ring of warehouses surrounding the valley interior. Two of
these blocky structures one painted red,
another painted green are nearby. Both are
completely still, and the high windows show no
hint of interior light.
a Guard Towers: Frosty-manned and hastily erected, each of these commands an inspiring view
and has a spotlight.
FROSTIES
Unless theyre outrageously eager for mass carnage, theyll probably decide that discretion is the better part of wearing a ninja parka. But then give them
your best evil squinty look and ask: Which warehouse, then? The Red Warehouse (cackle, cackle) or
the Greeeeeeen Warehouse? (deep, evil laughter)?
65
Risus: A Kringle in Time
BP
Conveyor
BPM
Firing
Range
s
ry
Facto r
Floo
BPM
Conveyor
Radioactive
Materials
Explosives
Office Entrance
conveyors move pretty slowly under most circumstances, but there are gigantic red High Speed
levers, of course. Characters defeated in combat may
be knocked onto a moving belt for added jolliness,
and stray ranged weaponry can strike the lever if it
would help. Note that Frosties dont care if they get
mangled in the machinery, so they like to wrestle with
PCs on the belts.
Radioactive Materials Storage: This room
contains carefully-shielded containers of dangerous
materials necessary for the construction of toy nukes,
toy nuclear submarines, glow-inthe-dark watch hands, etc. There
isnt anything here that could detonate the stuff, but if you want to
irradiate the PCs to give them
random mutations and superpowers, heres how.
Office (and Secret
Passage): A set of creaky
wooden stairs provides access
to this office, suspended
above the factory floor proper. Razbindle and Loopsie,
two Elves loyal to Envious
Santa, watch the factory from
here. They have a red phone
that provides a hotline to the
fortress. The secret door the
PCs want is here, too,
beneath a filing cabinet,
heading straight down.
Theres a small storage
room beneath the rest of
the office.
Firing Range: There
are a few Elves and
Frosties here, practicing
with Cane Sliver Rifles,
testing new toy designs,
and so on.
Catwalk
Arrangement (Not
Shown): There are several catwalks criss-crossing
above the machinery and
factory floor, with ladder
access every 10 feet or
so along every wall.
68
Risus: A Kringle in Time
NUTCRACKERS
Description: These are seven-foot-tall wooden nutcrackers, complete with the sliding heads and clacking jaws and painted-on facial expressions. They
have bristly glued-on beards and wooden toy rifles.
The rifles dont work as ranged weapons, but the
bayonets work just fine. The NutCrackers, like the
Frosties, are almost robot-like in their behavior.
Unlike Elves, they cant be engaged on the emotional or intellectual battlefield. They can only be fought,
avoided, or tricked. Tricking them isnt too hard,
though theyre even dumber than Frosties and
have no real capacity for judgment. Theyll simply
ignore the PCs if theyre not an obvious threat or
trespasser (unfortunately, the PCs are obvious trespassers unless they duck out of sight).
Clichs: Robot Soldier (2). They can form gruntsquads to be more dangerous, though (limited to six
dice regardless of size, since they lack any kind of
usefully creative battle coordination).
69
Risus: A Kringle in Time
LITTLE LUMPKIN
Lumpkins fiery words about the rise of the proletariat, Saint Crispins Day, and giving him festivity or giving him death.
Since Samantha Claus expressed concern for
Lumpkins safety, the PCs are likely to want to rescue
him. If they do, hell be very grateful and useful to
the group if they want him to tag along. If they dont
ask him to do so, though, hell want to escape
through the catacombs to help Samantha organize
the Rebellion for an uprising.
Lumpkin knows two things of special value. Hell
be especially eager to tell the PCs that Santa Claus
Envy he isnt the boss around here. And that
has him very upset, I think. Ive heard him down the
corridor, arguing fiercely with his dark master.
Lumpkin will look a bit sheepish at the next part
if I didnt know better, Id swear the voice he was
arguing with sounded a bit like that little Reindeer
everybody used to pick on. I cant remember his
name Randolph! or Adolph Gandalf? hell
trail off in thought, the name stuck on the tip of his
tongue.
Second, Lumpkin understands that hes not the
only important prisoner to be shackled in the dungeons. It looks like the evil Santa Clauses were getting
very busy before the PCs were on the case. Santa has
already corrupted the timestream outrageously, by
collecting Christmas rivals from throughout history.
Hes got everyone from the original (pre-canonized)
Saint Nicholas (a kindly old Bishop well-versed in
Turkish* politics) to the Star Man (a holiday icon from
Poland) to Dun Che Lao Ren (China) to Old
Babushka, a magical old Russian woman who delivered gifts to children by throwing them at their heads.
The list goes on, and includes assorted normal peo-
If You Should
Go Skating
The skating gym is a
large ice arena,
about the size of a
hockey court, used
for recreation and
combat training. At
either end (around where the goals would be if it
were a hockey court) there are huge mounds of snow.
Behind one mound, theres a half-dozen Elves.
Behind the other, a half-dozen Nutcrackers. Theyre
balling snowballs from the snow and pelting one
another when the PCs peek in
It may strike the PCs as odd that the snowballs
explode violently on impact. This snow is a magical, high-explosive frozen compound (non-toxic, peppermint flavored). The explosive becomes primed
in snowball form, at which point its as destructive as
a weak, impact-triggered hand grenade. In huge
mounds, its safely inert, even when a snowball
explodes against it.
If the PCs sneak in, they can observe the fight
safely. If they draw any attention to themselves, that
attention will arrive in snowball form. The PCs might
* Well, 4 th -Century Lycian politics, anyway. The
original St. Nick is the patron of sailors, young
people, wanderers and adventurers. The PCs
may be all of the above, and if so may wish to
seek his autograph.
70
Risus: A Kringle in Time
There should be a method to the PCs madness, and to help them along, let there be a method to your own. This last portion of A Kringle in Time has a different structure than the earlier parts, to encourage multiple approaches to adventures
climax. In particular, there are four major possibilities explicitly provided for (and laid before the players as options to pursue), and clever/perverted/clueless players often invent others. Theres no wrong answer; its Christmas! But as the mighty
Game Master, you may prefer to favor one approach or another in your presentation. For my own part, I recommend
making them aware of as many possibilities as you can, and letting them take it from there.
Converting Santa: The PCs have already proven that the evil Santa Clauses have consciences; their experience with
Greedy Santa established that these jolly menaces arent pure Evil. If the PCs meet Lumpkin, theyll learn that Envious
Santa resents and maybe fears his dark master. If the PCs meet Mandy, theyll learn that Santa still has a soft spot for the
true meaning of Christmas, even though hes twisted by jealousy at the thought of people enjoying parts of the holiday
that arent him. Armed with either piece of knowledge, the PCs might conclude and theyd be right that Envy can be
defeated without a fight. Thats handy, since theres an even more dangerous entity calling the shots, and Santa has the
power to undo the wrong if he could only be motivated to.
Just Nuke it and Run: The fortress contains enough destructive military and magical power to destroy itself and everyone
in it. The PCs can learn this for certain by examining the controls for the castle defenses. If the players prefer to just
whoop some ass in a big, destructive, sneaky way, they can set the entire complex to self-destruct. This presents three tactical challenges theyll need to overcome, though: they need to preserve Envys corpse if possible for Mrs. Claus to use in
her restoration ritual, they need to send the historical prisoners from the dungeons back to their proper place and time,
and they need to get clear of the fortress before it takes the big nuclear belly flop to oblivion. All three are possible, but
itll be a bumpy ride.
A Slice of Fruitcake, A Blood Sacrifice, and Thou: Misapplied Christmas Magic got us into this mess, so occult-minded
PCs may decide that more properly applied Christmas Magic could get us out. Thats true, and theyll find the necessary
tools in Santas Sanctum if theyre looking for them. This path is fraught with danger, though theres no greater master
of Christmas Magic than Santa Claus himself, and if he could screw it up, the PCs certainly can. On the other hand, magic
gone wrong can be as hilarious as it is dangerous, and if youre in the mood to see a Godzilla-scaled reindeer battling a
summoned Dread Cthistmas, its a fine way to wrap things up.
The Boss-Level Approach: The PCs have several opportunities to gain allies to their cause, and to learn and exploit the
weaknesses of the fortress (it seems to be fashioned of ice and pale gray stone, but its built mainly of insecurity with a
mortar of grandiose self-delusion). The PCs can rally the imprisoned Elves and Christmas icons to their cause, lower the
Energy Shield to let the Rebellion in (not to mention a certain self-wetting toy tank, if they were nice to him), use
Christmas Magic to summon occult assistance, and if theyre stealthy and clever choose their own battlefield and rig it
to their advantage. If they earn Santas sympathy without actually converting him outright, they may find that he becomes
a wild-card helper in the battle, as well. This provides both a fallback plan for the other solutions gone wrong, and a
fun, direct-road approach in its own right.
Some movement catches your eye in the shadowy gallery above the explosive snowball fight.
There, in one of many ornate balconies, theres
an enormous gingerbread throne on which a
tiny girl sits, holding a toy nutcracker. She
seems sad or frightened its hard to tell at this
distance.
71
Risus: A Kringle in Time
MANDY
Mandy wants very much to go home to her parents, but thats probably not something the PCs can
arrange immediately, which means Mandy is both a
boon and a problem for them. They need to make
sure shes safe, so they should either take her along
with them, hide her somewhere, or convince her to
return to being a guest until the PCs help Santa get
well again (if they mention that they want to kill
Santa Claus, Mandy will not want to be around them,
and shell run off into the castle on her own).
The Energy Shield Control room is pretty straightforward a high-ceilinged chamber filled with rows
and banks of complicated machinery, and a pair of
Elves named Drezboodle and Wimplesniggins.
GAMING IS EDUCATIONAL!
Santas Sanctum
ReinDeer Games
The castles Main Hall is a Christmas feasthall to
end all feasthalls; it also serves as a command & control center for Santas one-man war (seven-man war?)
on the truth of Christmas.
One man and a reindeer, that is.
74
RUDOLPH REINDEER
Description: Rudolph was once an ordinary, peaceloving reindeer that the other reindeer really could
have been nicer to. Then, he became possessed by a
malignant spirit from the beginning of time during
Santas failed experiment, at which point his nose
began to glow with demonic possession and typographers bullet appeared mysteriously in the middle
of his name.
75
Risus: A Kringle in Time
The End
76
Risus: A Kringle in Time
Bar-B-Q Feast!
******
******
Pork Ribs! Lamb Ribs! Camel Ribs!
You Want Ribs ?
Everyone Wants Ribs !
ADAM HAS RIBS ! ! !
Bar-B-Q Feast!
ard
el, kringleg
to the citad
ring of warehouses
s
au
cl
a
nt ne
sa la
sentinel
towers
n s
o r
li te
el ar
eb u
r dq
ea
s
au
cl
a
nt ne
sa la
Th
Val e War
ley
Com Toy
plex
master General
349343.34345.33-ABJGD-3.4 Tinkleberry, Prints
MANDATORY
LOYALTY QUIZ
Jolly
=
Moral
=
Obedient
REMEMBER:
Cranberry Sauce
Gravy
Stuffing
Mashed
Potatoes
Ham
Turkey
Colorado Blue
Spruce
Douglas Fir
Off Limits
Is comin to town.
Santa Claus
Christmas
Do you have what it takes to be part of the New Christmas Order? Take
this simple loyalty test and hand it to your superior officer. Please use a #2
pencil only and fill circles completely. Choose only one response per
question. Failure to comply may be interpreted as evidence of dissent.
Finish the following sentences:
Shield Control
Executive
Chambers
Administration &
Functions
Barracks &
Residence
Skating
Gymnasium
Entry Zones
(Cellars and
Dungeons Below)
Detailed Directory
Aardvark Ranching
Abacus Storage
Abattoir/Theater
Audio Recording/Studio
7A & 9C-R
50F
44G-J
14T-N
Leather Repair
Lecture Hall
Lederhosen Claims
Ledgers Library
31X, 31B
26V
1N, 1P
19Y
It is folly to
presume the
spirits to be
evil, and inh
only
uman. Indee
d, they are
ing but a m
n
othillennia-dee
p reflection o
humanity, an
f
gled and co
ncentrated in
briefer poin
to a
t in time. T
hey bond in
thy with ma
sy
mpankind, and
may be dist
and even un
ra
c
ted
done by the
ir own natu
their human
re
s,
natures. Th
ey may also
beaten shitle
be
ss, owing to
their physic
altogether h
al,
uman fragil
ity.
N
kk the
of Sirsa
a
ritings
eak of
The w
tical sp
arenthe
y which
tingly P
nique) b
Unrelen
f a tech
ay flas
(more o
ch is to
method
te (whi
e large
h
t
test tas
allows (
the grea
marshm
the
n
i
roasted
achieved
vor) of
may be
t
p
u
r
e
sticks)
ich will
kind, on
is
mes wh
mic fla
her Sin
intercos
s of Fat
the like
ted
demon
er defea
when a
akk nev
s
r
i
S
d (but
know)?
defeate
uld he
how wo
him, so
. . . I think we are doom
ed. None of us
can summon one of the
vas
t demons, and
the Ritual of Twelve see
ms an impossible
hope; we have only two
Lords present and
one of them can barely
walk . . .
AUGHT
Y !
Somethin
g
This
MEANS
Santa Drone: Mindless Servant (1), with a bonusdie weapon making them (2) dice foes. Gruntsquads theoretically unlimited.
Christmas Elf: Jolly Toymaker (5), NaturalBorn Adventurer (3), Christmas Caroler (3).
Note: Some Elves also have the additional
clich, Dentistry (2); some loyal to Envious
Santa Claus now have the Goose-Stepping Bullyboy
(3) clich, as well.
Frosties: Mindless Servant (3). They can form gruntsquads worth up to 10 dice, total. Special
Weaknesses: Anyone using fiery weapons
(flamethrowers, napalm, phosphorous launchers, cigarette lighters, slices of warm toast) against a Frostie
doubles the result of any combat rolls against the
easily meltable fiends. Anyone removing a Frostys
silk hat will reduce it to a pile of lifeless snow.