Chapter Text
Jamie’s POV
I wasn’t sure if I was still breathing when I watched her walk away from Lallybroch. As much as her words pained me, I knew that I was to blame for all of this.
I shouldn’t have slept with her when she was at her most vulnerable point in her life. I should have stopped it and made her sleep it out, then I wouldn’t have to watch her disappear right in front of me.
Truth was, I had loved Claire for a long time already. The moment I laid my eyes on her, I knew I wanted to be a part of her life. As Frank was the man in her life, I decided being her friend was better than nothing. I needed to hear her voice, needed to be able to be there for her, offering my friendship in return for her existence.
However, my feelings for her only grew with each day. It had been hard to hide them, which made it even harder to resist her when she came closer to kiss me.
I was daft. Very, very daft. And now I was paying for this mistake.
****
Claire’s POV
I spent the first couple of nights after leaving Lallybroch in a hotel in Inverness before I found an apartment in Aviemore, just a thirty minute drive from the hospital. It was a cute little place, one I knew I wouldn’t keep forever but one in which I could live for the coming months.
I had just arrived back home from a double shift, slumping on the couch, my body exhausted. When I checked my phone I sighed. Still no answer from Jamie.
I had been trying to reach him for a month, updating him about everything in my life. That I got a new apartment, that I worked lots of double shifts at the hospital and I asked daily how he was doing. He didn’t even read the messages and I decided that it was probably time for me to move on.
He wasn’t interested in any kind of contact anymore and I had to learn to be okay with that.
Due to the exhaustion and hunger I felt, I chose to order my dinner and eat in bed while I called my friend and co-worker, Geillis. I needed someone to talk to.
She picked up on the second ring. “Ye ken I have to be at work in an hour.”
I groaned. “Really, Gee? I thought you were off.”
“I wish. Mary is sick again, got the flu, so she asked me to take over her shifts for the rest of the week.” I heard her rummaging through things in the background. This was so typical for Geillis, that woman was pure chaos. But it didn’t make me love her any less.
“Should we grab some lunch tomorrow then?” I asked, desperately in need to speak to someone about literally anything going on in my life.
“Aye, that works! Should we meet at McBains ?”
“Sounds great!”
After we hung up, the doorbell rang and I was grateful hot food was awaiting me. I tipped the delivery guy before laying on my bed to eat. My thoughts drifted to my night with Jamie and everything that could have gone differently. If I hadn’t gotten drunk, I wouldn’t have taken that reckless step and kissed him. I would be eating this take out with my best friend instead of all by myself. I would be happier than I was now.
I grabbed my phone and opened my chat with Jamie. I would try to reach him and promised myself that if he didn’t pick up the phone, I would send one more message.
“Here goes nothing.” The phone rang a couple of times before going to voicemail, and the last bit of hope that still flickered in me got extinguished. My fingers typed the message I didn’t want to send.
“I will stop reaching out to you, Jamie. If you want to, you are always allowed to contact me.”
After hitting the send button, I closed our chat and focused myself wholeheartedly on the food that now tasted bitter on my tongue.
***
Jamie’s POV
I couldn’t pick up the phone when she called, neither did I let my heart answer her texts. It took all the strength and restraint that I had to not just pick up the phone and beg her to come back.
But that couldn’t happen, because the guilt was eating me alive.
I buried my feelings with work and kept going to the distillery, trying to find new clients abroad. In the last few weeks I’d seen ten possible clients in five different countries and I was completely exhausted. Even Jenny, my sister, tried to get me to work less and she was the one who always kicked my arse to work harder. Sleep felt estranged to me and I ran on coffee and whisky most of the day.
I was just arriving home when familiar voices came from the kitchen. Christ, not today.
“Jamie!” Jenny came around the corner, walking up to me, her voice serious, her face stern. “Have ye heard what a phone is used for, ye idiot?!” Claire wasn’t the only one I didn’t reply to, picking up my phone for anything private cost more strength than I wanted to admit.
“I’m busy, Janet.”
She stepped closer to me. “Busy? Since when are ye too busy for family, brother?!”
I rolled my eyes, walking to the living room to pour myself a glass of whisky. My sister followed my every step, making sure to always be close. I heard footsteps coming from the hallway. It was Ian, her husband and a good friend of mine, also here.
“Are ye alright, Jamie? Is what Jenny is meant to ask.” He stepped behind his wife, putting his hand on her shoulder while giving her a knowing glance.
“I’m alright,” I took a sip from a glass of whisky I found on the counter, welcoming the burning liquid. “The both of ye can leave me alone.”
“Ye dinna ken me well if ye think I will do that. The last time ye’ve acted this way was when father died.”
I cursed in Gaelic, anger filling my veins before I paced the floor. “How I feel is no one's business but mine. I have told ye once before that if I wish to talk to ye, I will. And now it’s not the time.”
Jenny placed her hands on her waist as she studied me. Ian was the one to speak next, but his words were not meant for me. “Maybe we should give him time…”
“Time?” She scoffed, “Time is all he gets. It’s been months!” But Ian’s words seemed to do their job, considering she walked towards the front door a few moments later, no words left to give.
Ian looked at me, his brows furrowed in concern. “She isna daft, Jamie, and ye ken well that you canna go through with this much longer. Ye need to talk or Jenny is going to do much worse than appear unannounced in yer house.”
I downed the rest of my whisky before I looked at him. “There isna anything to say, Ian. I made a choice I will regret for the rest of my life. I’m just learning to live with it.”
He nodded. “I’m here if ye need to talk.” And then he left.
My life was a complete mess.
***
Claire’s POV
I woke up with nausea and a massive headache, feeling like I’d drank a whole bottle of wine by myself. In truth, I hadn't even had a drop of alcohol.
I attempted to sit up in bed, careful not to upset my stomach. Jesus H. Christ. A heavy sigh escaped my mouth before I stood up and went into the kitchen, putting water on the stove to boil. A cup of tea would help for sure with whatever it was I had caught.
Except that the moment I opened the fridge and the smell of food filled my nose, I ran to the bathroom, emptying last night's dinner from my stomach. Since emptying my stomach did nothing to relieve me of the sick feeling, I assumed that I had simply caught Mary’s flu, so I had to cancel lunch with Geillis.
After I had freshened up, my eyes fell on the full package of tampons that lay in a tiny toiletry basket and I almost forgot how to breathe.
No. No. No. No. No.
I walked quickly into my bedroom where my phone was still charging, opening my period tracking app that told me in fat pink letters that I was more than four weeks late. I almost emptied my stomach right then and there again.
This couldn’t be real.
I couldn’t be…
“Okay. No need to panic. Maybe it’s just stress and you are worrying yourself for nothing,” I talked to myself, trying to calm the storm that’s brewing inside of me. But after the sudden nausea, the constant exhaustion and the feeling that all I wanted to do was lay in bed, I knew deep down that I had my answer.
Still, I needed to know for sure.
I didn’t hesitate, I turned off the stove and walked to the pharmacy straight away to get a couple of tests. Arriving back at home, I went straight to the bathroom to read through the instructions of a pregnancy test. Pee on a stick and wait. I could do that.
It said on the piece of paper to wait for two minutes, but once I peed on the stick and put it on the counter, I could already see that there wasn’t just one line but two.
I was pregnant.
I was carrying a baby inside of me.
And since I hadn’t been intimate with Frank for a while, it could only mean one thing.
The baby was Jamie’s.