Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

It wasn't that Eddie hated himself. Not at first, at least.

Because when Eddie was seven, he sat on a hard bench with the clothes that he was only allowed to wear on Sundays in a building with an endless ceiling and windows made out of colorful glass.

They were beautiful, showcasing art that Eddie found himself much more focused on than anything else that the man at the front was saying - preaching, his mother had corrected many times. He loved looking at the art, interpreting things into the mosaics and creating his own stories about them.

How long had it taken to make them? Were they drawn? Crafted? Eddie had never been artistic so he didn't quite know how it worked. For how long had they been in here?

Eddie had been attending church every Sunday for the first seven years of his life before he asked. The man at the front - the priest, as always corrected by his mother yet again - was telling another story from the Bible that Eddie didn't really get. Maybe because he spoke so slowly, or maybe because he was just so old that Eddie could barely understand a word he was saying.

His sister was dressed in her best Sunday dress, the green one with the ribbon at the front that she played with the entire mess until her mother eventually had enough and trapped her hands between her own. Sophia didn't say anything, but she was still clearly pouting about it, blowing at a loose strand of hair in her face every now and then.

Maybe the new baby would be more interested in this, Eddie thought, glancing at his mother's belly. His parents still hadn't decided on a name yet, but his mother always said that they'd choose in God's interest. Whatever name he'd whisper to them.

Eddie found it incredibly strange, if he was being honest. He had never heard anyone whisper weird things to him and even if he had he was petty sure that would fall into the category 'stranger danger', which his parents made a point to remind him of constantly.

"Mama," Eddie said, too loudly apparently because she put a finger up to her mouth. He scowled but lowered his voice anyway, kicking his feet back and forth as he leaned closer to her ear. "Who made the mosaic window?"

Helena seemed to contemplate whether to continue listening to the pastor or Eddie for a moment, before finally giving Eddie a small smile as she averted her gaze to the window. It really was huge and if Eddie had to estimate it, he'd say it was about ten pastors stacked on top of each other tall, though with how fragile the one at the front seemed to be Eddie wasn't sure if they'd be as good at piggyback rides as Eddie was. Sophia could attest to that.

"It's stained glass," his mother whispered back fondly. Stained glass.

Eddie frowned. "Doesn't stain mean that something is dirty? Like the stain on our table?"

"Not in the church," Helena explained. "Here everything is sacred, Eddie. This window, for example, shows the Virgin Mary and Jesus Christ, the most holy of all. You learned all about them in the Christmas play a few months ago, remember?"

If he was being completely honest, Eddie only knew the gist of the story. He remembered the barn and the animals and three kings but other than that he hadn't really paid attention. Perhaps he was just holding a little grudge because he wasn't allowed to play Joseph and instead got to be the donkey.

"But who made it?" Eddie asked again, growing a little impatient. He wanted to ask the artist how they did it.

His mother seemed thoughtful at the question, distracted for just a moment by Eddie's sister making a paper boat out of the little singlet they had gotten when they entered the church. She snatched it out of her grasp with a warning, pointed finger. Sophia only crossed her arms with an even bigger pout.

She wasn't in a great mood today. Eddie would have to ask her if she wanted to go out and play with the chalk later. That usually helped.

"God," Eddie's mother finally said with a shrug to her shoulders before she focused back on the story about loving your neighbor. It was a little weird. His dad always said that their own neighbor was a stupid witch, but he looked very interested in the pastor's words now. Maybe this meant that Eddie would be allowed to play with her cat the next time they saw her.

"Mama," Eddie said again, tugging at her dress. Helena sighed, shutting her eyes as she muttered something unintelligible before she finally faced Eddie, waiting for him to ask his next question. And this was the more pressing one, really. "Why can't you look out the window?"

His mother frowned. "What do you mean?"

"It's really pretty and colorful and I love the rainbow colors-," he started to ramble, listing the things he found especially enticing about the stains as his mother urged him to get to the point, "-but you can't see through it. Why not?"

"You're not meant to," she tried to explain again. "You're supposed to look at Mary and Jesus."

"But why is there a window if you're not supposed to use it?"

Helena didn't have an answer to that and even though Eddie's abuela probably would have one - because she always seemed to - she was sick at the moment and couldn't come to church with them today.

So when Eddie got home, and after he and Sophia decked the streets in blue suns and yellow butterflies with heart antennas, Eddie went up to his room to pray like the rest of his family always did.

"Hey, God," Eddie said, then remembered that he had to put his hands together and close his eyes, so he started again. "Hey, God, why did you make a window you can't look out of?"

He heard no answer so Eddie supposed he probably wasn't being clear enough.

"It's really cool and you did a good job but I just don't understand. All the colors seem kind of useless if they make you unable to look out of the church." Eddie paused. "Respectfully."

God still didn't answer.

Chapter Text

"Can you-"

Eddie didn't need to hear the rest of that question before he reached out, picking up the salt to place it right into Buck's hand. He wasn't half-delusional enough to believe that Buck wanted him to add it to the sauce. In fact, Eddie was pretty sure that if he did Buck would just ban him from the kitchen again.

Although, to Eddie's defense, the last time it happened really wasn't his fault. It's just that baking soda and flour look very similar and despite the etiquette in bold letters at the very front of the container, Eddie may have mixed things up a little bit.

It wasn't that he was a particularly bad cook. Or, at least he wasn't as bad as Chim which had to count for something. Eddie had never started a fire and he had never given anyone food poisoning which, in his books, already made a pretty decent chef.

However, that argument only worked in his own kitchen, never in Buck's. Although Eddie would lie if he said he minded.

"Thank you," Buck said softly, tightening the apron that Bobby had given him as a Christmas gift last year, with the stitching across the chest. It had been one of the many hobbies that Bobby had picked up after May came to him with a dream and a mission starting with, 'So I've seen this thing on tik tok-'

Bobby, bless his heart, could never deny her anything and all of them had to suffer the consequences. It's how Eddie had ended up with a canvas painting of a very curiously looking frog in a top hat, Chim with a wooden figurine of a dog-beer-cat-elephant and now Buck with the apron that he wore so proudly despite it's stitching being the most corny line Eddie had ever read.

"I get my celery in groceries"

Considering that Eddie bought the ingredients for whatever dinner Buck wanted to prepare more often than not, it wasn't all too wrong.

"So, is this the moment where you finally tell me why I am actually here?" Eddie asked as he grabbed two plates from the cupboards. The new ones with the nice subtle pattern across the rim, because Buck had complained that if he bought them he would never end up using them and Eddie had played devil's advocate because he clearly wanted to buy them anyway.

Besides, Buck deserved nice things.

Buck sprinkled way less salt into the sauce than Eddie would have. "What makes you think I want to tell you something?"

And, fair. It wasn't like the two of them didn't spend practically every free hour of their day together in addition to being glued together at every not free hour at work as well.

Usually Buck came over to Eddie's house to help with chores that Eddie would never admit he was running behind on or help with Christopher's homework. They'd eat dinner that Eddie was only allowed to come close to for said eating part and play a board game with Chris or put on a movie. Then, at the end of the day, Buck would say, "I guess I should go home now" while Eddie bit his tongue to stop himself from replying that he was already there.

It was their routine, their perfect structure. Only that now Eddie despised being in his house that was way too silent without his son, opening the door to a room that was starting to collect dust and that Eddie couldn't bring himself to clean.

Which is exactly why he was so grateful for Buck's apartment.

"You're quiet," Eddie replied finally, shrugging when Buck stared back at him.

"What's wrong with being quiet?"

Eddie didn't mean to laugh, he really didn't. It was just a small chuckle he couldn't keep in, but Buck took offense to it anyway, sweeping up the dish towel to throw it at Eddie's head. "I didn't mean it like that, I didn't mean it!" Eddie tried to defend himself which was really difficult to do in between snickers.

"I will have you know that I am very good at shutting up."

"Sure," Eddie agreed, taking the towel off his shoulder. "As long as you're allowed to charade with your hands or tap your foot you sometimes are good at shutting up."

Buck crossed his arms. "I thought you didn't mind me talking a lot."

Of course Eddie didn't mind Buck's talking. That's one of the many things that made him Buck and one of the many things, therefore, that Eddie loved about him.

Even if he never said it out loud, Eddie adored Buck's consistent and obscure fun facts. He had this passion in him - his voice, spirit, all of it - that made everything sound interesting no matter how insistent Eddie was that Buck couldn't possibly make him invested in the mating rituals of bees.

His voice always got that excited pitch, eyes lighting up when someone confessed that they didn't know something and allowed Buck to explain it. In fact, if the guy made a podcast, no matter the topic, Eddie would no doubt be the most loyal subscriber, if only to hear that voice at all times.

But that wasn't even the best part about listening to Buck talk. No, the best part came after, when Buck was finished talking and his expression got all expectant and just a tiny bit shy and then, when someone complimented him on his knowledge or just expressed interest, Buck would, without fail, smile.

Not just his usual smile - the all sunshine one - but the one that Eddie had come to label as his 'true smile'. Sure, Eddie didn't think that all the other ones were necessarily fake, so maybe it wasn't the most accurate name, but Eddie also couldn't think of a better way to describe.

Because that smile just looked...sweet. It was soft and small, barely concealed as Buck faced the ground and Eddie had been obsessed with it from the moment they'd extracted a live grenade from a man's leg.

So, yeah, Eddie really did not mind Buck's excessive talking. Quite the opposite, actually.

"Of course I don't mind," Eddie reassured him. "Which is exactly why I am concerned when you are quiet, because you never are unless something big is on your mind. Bringing me back to the question at hand." He took a step closer to nudge Buck's shoulder. "What's up?"

Buck sighed, all tension seeping out of his shoulders at once as he leaned some of his weight against Eddie's side. The sauce still simmered on the stove, not quite ready for another ten minutes or so. "You have to promise not to make fun of me."

"Difficult," Eddie replied teasingly. Buck glared at him. Eddie smiled back. "But okay. Out with it, Buckley."

"Alright."

The last time Buck looked this nervous to tell Eddie something he'd come out to him. Which wasn't exactly a calming thought.

"Did you kill someone?" No, wait, this was Buck. That guy couldn't hurt a fly; quite literally so. He had once spent half an hour trying to catch one to release back outside instead of just squishing it. So Eddie quickly corrected himself, "Or did you kiss someone you weren't supposed to while drunk again?"

Buck's cheeks flushed red. "Tommy broke up with me."

Okay, not what Eddie was expecting. He carefully raised some leftover bell pepper cubes to his mouth, slowly chewing before he repeated his question. "So, did you-"

"No!" Buck defended, hitting Eddie's hand as he reached out for more vegetables before facing the boiling pot. His shoulders were tense again, almost up to his ears as he supported his weight on the counter. This way Eddie got a clearer view on his back, the apron tied neatly with a bow and arms breaking out of his sleeves with the way he was flexing them.

It's not what Eddie meant to focus on at this moment. Somehow, he still felt himself transfixed to it. The shirt was green - sage, rather - and Eddie briefly wondered if it may be his own. One in the wide collection that was the clothes that became shared property while wandering between closets.

Maybe it was. Eddie couldn't really see it properly, the most of it hidden by the ugly apron, but it was too short. It was too short and too tight and even if it was Eddie's own, it surely was one of the shirts that were too small even for his own build, because this was ridiculous.

The shirt rid up slightly at Buck's side, right where the apron didn't touch it, exposing tan skin and the outline of Buck's pelvis. There was a light line of freckles that Eddie hadn't noticed before, had never seen in the short moments it took them to change in the locker room. But Eddie noticed now. Because Eddie looked.

Why did Eddie look? He averted his eyes.

"Why would I make fun of you for that?" Eddie asked, careful not to let any judgment seep into his voice. Had he been giving Buck the feeling that he couldn't come to him about those kinds of things? Had Buck started to lose trust in Eddie? Trust that he'd always be there for him?

It made his stomach churn at the mere idea. A low, sickening swirl accompanied by the faint echoes of Eddie's subconsciousness. He'd never make fun of someone for something like this. Not something serious. Not Buck.

Eddie could remember how it feels, almost too well, even if he wanted nothing more than to block it out. He could hear his mother's voice, muffled, "Why can't you ever stop being so selfish, Eddie?"

Why can't you choose the right woman to get pregnant? Why must you freak out about marrying her? Don't you know this is your fault, Eddie? Don't you? Are you not aware that you're the problem? That if only you were normal-

Buck's voice burning through Eddie's thoughts like a light from above. "Because I messed it up again. I can never keep a relationship, because I'm just...not good enough for it."

"No," Eddie cut him off, meeting Buck's gaze. "Who told you that?"

He wasn't sure when his hand had landed on Buck's shoulder - didn't really plan out the motion in his head - but the second it did, he could feel the tension seep out like a balloon suddenly released of air. "Actions don't typically announce their departure."

Eddie waited for Buck to elaborate, seeing his finger clench and unclench against the counter before he turned towards him.

"He said that he doesn't think I'll ever fall in love with him."

"What?" Eddie asked, trying and failing to keep the anger out of his voice. Because, sure, when Buck had told him that Tommy didn't think Buck was ready and that he left him outside the restaurant on their very first date...fine, Eddie was okay with going along with Buck's interpretation of making a fool out of himself.

But Buck was bisexual. It had taken him a while to find himself but he knew that he was bisexual and Eddie had watched him practically glow in that new knowledge. The excitement he could see on Buck's face when he talked about what it meant to him, how happily he hugged Hen when she got him one of those pride keychains for his duffle bag, how Eddie had seen the weight fall off his shoulders when he told him-

And Tommy thinks Buck isn't able to fall in love with him? It just sounded like that comment all over again, only that this time he didn't have the benefit of the doubt of Buck just finding his footing. Was it because he didn't believe Buck was queer enough- because he was bisexual instead of gay? Eddie had heard that this was unfortunately rather common in the community (specifically through Buck's random facts).

If Tommy was like that too...no. Eddie was already questioning why he had been such good friends with him in the first place when as soon as he started dating Buck, his view on Tommy changed so drastically. Not because of the new knowledge that he was gay - just like he told Buck, that didn't change anything - but because Tommy began to be so...insufferable.

He constantly tagged along with Buck as soon as his schedule allowed it, he made it a point to touch Buck on the shoulder and arm and hip - all the places where Eddie was supposed to hold him - and he kept referring to him as Evan.

It was annoying. An interference. So, yeah, when Eddie had the chance to get Buck alone, he'd take it without planning on when to meet up with Tommy next. He'd rather watch Buck read on his couch than play a basketball game without him there.

And Eddie really couldn't explain it; that sudden shift. It had nothing to do with Tommy dating Buck, obviously, because Eddie wasn't homophobic and he had no issue hanging out with Buck. In fact, he'd almost say he was more inclined to hang out with Buck than before, but that would imply that he didn't already want to spend every free second of his life with him before he came out, which would be a lie.

So, Eddie figured that it must have one simple reason.

Habituation; repeated exposure leading to a slowing and change in response.

Because while Buck's presence - bright and soothing - acted like a drug with never ending efficiency to Eddie's nervous system (sensitization, in a way), Tommy was on the other end of that spectrum. Every time Eddie was exposed to him, more of his initial sympathy for him diminished.

Which is why, normally, Eddie would be delighted to hear that Buck broke up with Tommy (for those very reasons and nothing else). Only that Buck didn't break up with Tommy like he did with Taylor - which in and of itself had made Eddie happy only because he could acknowledge that she wasn't good enough for him like any best friend would - and that? That was a criminal offense in Eddie's books.

"Eddie," Buck warned, leveling him with a gaze that told Eddie that he wasn't all that transparent. "You're making your Taylor Kelly face again."

Eddie tried really hard not to think of people with TK initials. "Why would he say that to you?"

Something close to realization crossed Buck's face. "Oh, no, he didn't say it because- well, it's not about me being bi."

Okay, fine, Eddie wasn't gonna block Tommy's number. Yet.

Buck bit his lip, chewing. He stared at Eddie in anticipation, like he already knew the next question was coming. Which meant that he had an answer for it. Which, in turn, meant that Eddie was allowed to ask it. "So," he started, feeling almost as tongue tied as he had when Buck came out, "is he right?"

As anticipated, Buck didn't flinch at the question, didn't look angry or disappointed. He didn't even look particularly sad. Instead, he let his fingertips brush over the embroidery of his apron, looking down. "I don't know. I want to say that, of course, why else would I be dating if not for the prospect of falling in love but honestly, Eddie, I-"

He paused. The water boiled. Steam clung to the stove.

Eddie felt his heart skip a beat.

"-Every time that I have allowed myself to fall in love it ended badly. This time it at least did before that could happen."

"But you do think that you would have fallen in love with him if you had more time."

Buck looked up, right into Eddie's eyes, and he could see something shift in the blue. Something that Eddie didn't have a name for. There were a lot of ways in which blue eyes had been described over the decades, in literature, poetry, media. Usually it was the ocean, the sky, a space so much larger than what could span over the iris.

And Eddie understood it, in a way. Shannon had blue eyes too and he had found himself lost in them more often than not, which usually didn't have a positive outcome for him. It guided them to bed, silencing problems with a blindness to all the other colors around. Still, Eddie had never found a proper romantic term to describe them.

They reminded him of the beach - of the feeling of drowning - and the sky - the feeling of falling from it - but they were just eyes. A part of Shannon, logically, and Eddie had loved Shannon so he loved them too.

But Eddie had never considered blue his favorite color until he'd been putting a live grenade into a box after extracting it from a man's leg. Not until he looked up and saw Buck smile for the first time. A real smile, not the one he put up for defenses. A true smile. A smile that was directed at Eddie as sweat ran down Eddie's back, his fingers still even though he felt like trembling from adrenaline.

And for the first time Eddie actually had a word for the hue. Not an ocean, not the sky-

Buck's eyes shone like constant lightning, bright and flashing and so powerful that they should be scary but only ever were fascinating. And then an actual lightning had struck Buck and Eddie - the same electricity bonding their veins - and it left Buck hanging and dying and Eddie hated the stupid flash because it forced Buck's eyes shut.

It stole the bright, stole Eddie's person for three minutes and seventeen seconds and yet-

Yet, Buck was looking at Eddie like this again. The same intensity, the same bright light in his eyes and all Eddie could attribute to the color was still a flash of blue lightning guiding him through the darkness that was his life. Because there were just two people that could light it. Because the other one wasn't here.

"No," Buck replied finally, breathless.

Eddie felt it; the relief. He didn't know why, didn't understand why his breathing became easier when he hadn't even noticed it faltering in the first place. But Buck was close to him, staring right into his eyes, and told him that he wouldn't have been able to fall in love with Tommy and, hey, okay, maybe this wasn't habituation.

But maybe Eddie couldn't name the actual reason either. He had no word for it.

Not for the way he felt himself so aware of his own heartbeat, could see Buck's chest rise and fall in similar speed, his curls adorable, eyes searching for something, his body broad and strong and the shirt just having to belong to Eddie, because why else would it draw Eddie's attention so much?

He had no words for how fuzzy he felt, overcome with the usual I-really-like-my-best-friend fondness that always shot through his body in random bursts whenever Buck did something that made Eddie smile only that this time he couldn't even do that. His lips parted on their own accord without words to say, his throat airy and raw and Eddie-

Eddie kind of really wanted to kiss his best friend.

...what?

The timer on the stove beeped suddenly, making Buck take a startled step back. It didn't even send him away that much, which meant that he really had been close. So incredibly close. The only reason why Eddie's mind got confused. Proximity.

Nothing else and nothing more.

"Can you set the table?"

There was no reason for Eddie to overthink this.

"Of course."

No reason at all.

So why was his heart still beating so heavily when Buck sat down in front of him? Why did it not calm when they were eating, when the conversation shifted back to work and groceries and what they should get Karen for her birthday, when their shoulders bumped while doing the dishes?

He blamed it on the moment. Eddie figured that it would probably fade by tomorrow, that everything would return to normal. Because what did this even imply? What could it imply beyond what Eddie had known for the trajectory of his over thirty years of life.

He was straight. He had always been straight.

Buck's hand brushed his as he walked him to the door and it sent a spark through Eddie's body. It made him want to hold it, made him want to go right back and just stay the night. And the thing was, Buck would allow it. They'd share the bed like they had during quarantine and it wouldn't be weird, but that spark was all consuming and suddenly sharing seemed nothing but weird because of the implications that Eddie had never cared about before.

Why did he now? Why did he remember how it felt - waking up tangled together - and why did it make Eddie want to melt?

He was straight. Eddie had never let himself be anything but straight and yet it didn't change the fact that he was. Nothing else would make sense.

His parents, Shannon, Leviticus and Preachers with a capital P, molding him with blessed water, forming him into who he is, what he needs to be. A son, a husband, a father, a man. A straight one at that, one that is better than judgment and fear.

It reminded Eddie of the church a few streets down their home - the one with the big windows - and he wondered briefly if they were still hiding the view outside with stained glass. He had always wondered what lay beyond them, eyes always transfixed to the colors, but Eddie never went around. He never walked around the church to see.

"I'll see you at work," Buck said softly as he came to a stop in front of Eddie and the other side of the door - the one glowing with light compared to the relative darkness of the hallway. He'd lost the apron at some point and this was definitely Eddie's sweater.

If not for the size, the bold letters at the front were all the indication he needed. El Paso Sharks - Pool Club. Buck must've found it somewhere in the depths of his closet the last time that he'd gone showering at Eddie's without any spares. Weirdly enough, it suited him. More than it had Eddie back then anyway.

It was a good thing that he'd gotten the oversized one.

"Tomorrow," Eddie agreed, willing his eyes back to Buck's face. To his eyes more specifically, only that he never got that far, his gaze lingering on pink lips. Somehow it was still present. Somehow the thought didn't fade even with distance between them but maybe it was just not enough.

Eddie wanted to kiss Buck.

He wanted to step back into the light, wanted to shove Buck on the bed, wanted to pull the sweater off not because it didn't suit him but because Eddie wanted to see just how many light freckles he hadn't noticed on his body before.

Eddie wanted to curse Tommy for hurting his best friend and he wanted to thank him for letting him go, but most of all Eddie just wanted to stay right here and not go back to feeling alone. And Eddie wanted to kiss Buck. He really did.

"Goodnight, Eddie."

Maybe he was just spiraling. Maybe it didn't mean anything.

"Goodnight."

And maybe Eddie could reason that being unable to fall asleep because he couldn't stop thinking about his best friend was a temporary problem that would fade as soon as he woke up and got to work.

Chapter Text

It did not fade. Eddie woke up the next day missing Buck's weight, he went to work and nearly stumbled upon simply seeing Buck wave at him and he nearly ran into the glass walls of the locker room a few hours later just because Buck was changing his shirt that he'd spilled coffee on.

That was a week ago. And Eddie just nearly impaled Hen's hand with scissors in the middle of a call because Buck made the kid, who's hair they had to cut free from the lawnmower it had twisted itself into, laugh with a stupid fun fact about the real origins of Rapunzel and Eddie-

Eddie had gotten a little distracted by his beaming smile and wildly gesturing hands and how large they looked with the tight, black gloves and how good he was with kids and-

"That's it!" Hen snapped, angrier than Eddie had seen her in a while as she pointed Eddie towards the other side of the lawn. "Sit!"

Eddie, despite Hen's scarily serious tone, did not sit. He did, however, follow her finger away from the victim that Hen was all smiles and encouragement with again as soon as she'd sent Eddie off, assuring the girl that everything was fine and that, no, the other firefighter only had to step away because he had trouble focusing right now and it had nothing to do with the state of her hair.

Ignoring the fact that, despite Eddie actually having attention span problems right now, her hair was a lost cause. Seriously, Eddie still wondered how it got wrapped around the motor of the lawn mower, though considering just how much hair there was, Eddie could only imagine how long it had been before the incident. That thought alone almost made his heart break even more for her.

"She never wanted to cut it, no matter how long it took her to properly wash and dry it," the girl's mother told Eddie with tears in her eyes, gratefully taking a tissue from him and blowing her nose. She had short hair - much like her daughter after this was gonna be over - and was much smaller than Eddie, excessive blue eyeshadow decking her eyelids and only barely pulling the focus away from her very accentuated, red cheeks. "I didn't even notice that she was right in front of me."

Eddie looked back at Buck, seeing him already staring back, a worried frown on his face. There was a silent question in his expression that Eddie could read even miles away. "You okay?"

He seemed to have managed to cut the mower open, the top thrown off and revealing the motor straight on. Hen was already going in with the scissors, the girl sobbing quietly and closing her eyes. But Buck's gaze was right on Eddie. He kneeled in the grass, his own pair of scissors in hand, but he didn't start cutting until Eddie gave him a short nod back.

"Trust me, sometimes our attention is so occupied by everything else that we don't notice the obvious," Eddie tried to comfort the girl's mother, uncapping a water bottle and handing it to her. It was unbearably hot today. That probably factored into her lack of cautiousness. "Don't blame yourself."

The woman sighed, still a little shakily but definitely better, before she drank a sip. "I think I will never stop blaming myself."

It didn't surprise Eddie that Hen immediately grabbed his arm as soon as they rolled back into the firehouse, right when he tried to jump out of the engine after the others, staring him down. Yeah. She was still mad. Eddie tried for an innocent smile. "Hey, Hen. What's up?"

"You know, this might be the first time that I've ever wished Gerrard was here, if only to get your head back in the game. And I don't say this lightly. I cannot stand the man."

None of them could stand the man. It's why the comment cut a little too deep. Hen must've seen it in Eddie's expression too, eyes losing a bit of their hard edge as she nudged him towards the ambulance. "Help me with restocking."

There really was no point in arguing with her.

And, hey, they at least got as far as counting the gauze - Eddie ripping packages open and refilling the containers - before Hen got right to the root of the problem. More or less. "I don't know what Buck and you argued about this time, but you cannot be thinking about it while we are out on a call, Eddie."

Eddie bit his lip. "I'm sorry, Hen. It was a one time thing."

She took the box out of Eddie's hands, putting it in the right spot and away from where Eddie had accidentally put it instead. "That's my problem. This is not the first time you've been too distracted to do your job this week."

"I'm not too distracted to do my job," Eddie argued, leaning against the ambulance door as he watched Hen tick something off the inventory list. Because, sure, he might have let his gaze linger when it came to Buck and for longer than what could be deemed professional too, but it never stopped Eddie from saving lives.

Just yesterday he had personally carried a grown man out of a burning building. He had wasted no second to push someone out of the way when he noticed the ground crumble at a hillside, had been all-in when it came to rope rescues and had even checked said rope five times instead of his regular three. And okay, the person on the other end of that line was Buck and that made Eddie even more conscious of making sure everything was secure because risking Buck's life was about the last thing that Eddie wanted to do, second only to risking Chris'.

The point was, Eddie was focused on work. He just happened to be focused on Buck as well. That was all.

"You didn't hear me twice when I asked you to hand me something, forgot to put the gurney back in the ambulance when we set a patient off at the hospital despite me telling you mere moments before, nearly forgot it again when we went back just for it and you almost worked a knot into your firehouse while extinguishing a fire," Hen summarized, unimpressed. "All of that was yesterday."

And, okay, maybe Eddie had done all of those things. He'd be damned before he admitted it though. "Look, everything is okay, Hen. I'm perfectly fine."

"Are you now?" Hen asked, some of that previous annoyance crippling away with the actual reason why they were here right now, talking. The reason Eddie was aware of even through Hen's strict demeanor. She was worried. "Just talk to him."

"We talk all the time," Eddie countered, because that much was true. It wasn't like he was icing Buck out. At least not verbally (though maybe emotionally).

Hen raised her brows at him. "Talk to him about what's wrong."

"I can't." That was the truth too. This kind of thing? It was what Eddie would normally go to Buck for, just like every other inconvenience in his life. Only that this was different. This wasn't something he could tell Buck, because walking up to your best friend and starting a conversation with, "Hey, so, I keep dreaming about pinning you against every imaginable horizontal surface," had an even weirder ring to it said out loud than it did in his head.

Eddie knew. He had tried to have this conversation with his dick in the shower at 3am.

Hen stared back at him with a mixture of patience and exasperation; two emotions that shouldn't go together but that Hen made work regardless. And, yes, Eddie was well aware that Hen was a lesbian (because she wasn't just one of his closest friends but her wife also consistently filled Eddie in on lab-gossip during wine night), so she was probably the nearest best person to go to about this but-

Eddie didn't even have a name for what he was feeling. He had tried to find one after waking up with the lingering fragments of a dream that involved Buck's slick, swollen lips around Eddie and fingers boring into his thighs, making him breathless and sweaty and as guilty as he had felt when he confessed to not having used protection to his parents.

But every google search that Eddie typed incognito ended him on Reddit, Quora or pointed him to "Am I Gay?" quizzes that Eddie purposefully didn't click on, because there was no way he'd let some questions about his favorite animal dictate who he was as a person.

Still, it didn't stop a bunch of terms from popping up that Eddie couldn't memorize by name or flag despite his attempts at being a good ally (he did know the bisexual and rainbow flag, thank you very much) and it was all just very...overwhelming.

Eddie liked women. Why else would he have dated them? Why else would he have married Shannon? But even Eddie could admit that he had never felt so overcome by his own emotions in a way that it affected his entire body - specifically one area - when he was just thinking about Buck. Not to mention the way he felt when their arms brushed while walking.

Which was weird, because Eddie had loved Shannon. Not so much Ana or Marisol, but definitely Shannon. He had loved being with her before everything got too complicated for them to fix, had loved just spending time with her by his side and the sex certainly wasn't bad. In fact, it was probably the only thing that had worked about their relationship once they got married.

So it was safe to assume that Eddie couldn't be gay.

He swallowed hard at the thought, remembering preaching and being taught and hearing a lot of opinions that he didn't agree with but that still cut to his bones because of a sense for justice that didn't stem from self-protection. No, he couldn't be.

But all the other terms didn't sound right either. Eddie wasn't even into men. He could admit that some of them were good-looking, sure, but that was just an observation and Eddie really wasn't one to narrow people he had never met before down to it.

The same applied to women. He couldn't just look at someone and picture them naked. Not just because he felt incredibly appalled at the thought alone, but because it just...didn't do anything for him. It's the reason why he had never been a fan of porn. He would never judge someone for watching it, but it just wasn't for Eddie.

Still, Eddie did love Shannon. He had never loved a man.

...until now. Because Buck was the exception to the rule. He was the sole reason for the mess going on inside Eddie's head in the first place; a jumble of inappropriate thoughts and bible verses.

Which meant that Evan "People are attractive and I won't shy away from pointing it out" Buckley being bisexual made way more sense than Eddie “I married the first girl I dated” Diaz being bisexual. Which, in conclusion, once again left Eddie with a bunch of different terms that he didn't know and couldn't identify with until he gave up and resorted back to almost impaling Hen at work because Buck's arms were too big.

So, no, just because Hen was a lesbian, it didn't exactly give Eddie the opening to talk to her about it. Because Eddie was straight with one exception. And because the thought of saying it out loud made Eddie want to vomit which was a whole separate issue.

Eddie wasn't homophobic. He would consider himself the best ally he could be, actually, and if supporting gay rights alone didn't prove it, then Eddie wanted to cash in his gold stars from listening to Buck talk about his sex life while he was still dating Tommy. Something that, in retrospect, may have contributed to Eddie disliking Tommy.

So, again, no, Eddie didn't have a problem with being gay or gay sex. At all. Buck came out to him and Eddie had meant; this didn't change a thing about how he perceived him. It didn't change the fact that Buck was still Eddie's best friend, that he was the person he trusted most with his son and it didn't change the fact that Eddie had nothing but love for Buck.

But as soon as Eddie tried to apply the same logic to himself?

He couldn't. And he had no idea why.

"Talk to someone," Hen finally replied, placing a firm hand on his shoulder before she jumped out of the ambulance, waiting for Eddie to do the same. "I don't know what's going on, Eddie, but don't let the box explode."

Eddie raised a brow at her, unable to contain his smile. "Frank told you that too?"

She shrugged. "It's good advice. Now, come on, I think Bobby should be done with dinner by now."

"Buck is cooking today," Eddie corrected, remembering spread out recipes on Buck's kitchen counter and the duty of choosing which one to make to impress Bobby. A decision that Buck kindly handed off to Eddie.

"Of course you know that," Hen mumbled, almost inaudible.

Eddie didn't get to comment on it when he saw her already dragging her feet towards the stairs.

Alright then.

The food turned out to be - indeed - ready the minute that Eddie and Hen walked up to the table, everyone else already seated and Buck presenting his very good looking (and good smelling) broccoli chicken casserole. It was Chris' favorite.

"Just in time." Buck grinned, automatically reaching for Eddie's plate first just like he did at home despite Eddie's constant insistence that he could do it himself - which he may or may not have stopped doing after Buck told him that he enjoyed doing things for Eddie - and handing his food back to him.

"Thank you," Eddie replied, smiling as he waited for everyone else to get their plates full before taking a first bite and- "Buck, this is so good! Did you add something to the recipe? It's even better than usual!"

A rosy tint crossed Buck's cheeks, his smile competing and winning against a thousand suns and Eddie wanted to grab him by the lapels and-

"I did a little more research on correct seasoning," Buck admitted, gently kicking Eddie's foot underneath the table. Eddie trapped it between both of his. "I didn't think you'd notice."

"You're really coming for Bobby's title," Eddie said. "No offense, Bobby."

"None taken." Bobby looked very pleased, his expression full of fondness as he watched them. "And I completely agree with Eddie. You're getting better and better each day, Buck. Good job."

It was an unspoken thing, more or less. Everyone at the 118 was aware that Buck loved praise. Not just loved, but it really was his love language. He practically lit up with every kind word directed his way, glowing with affection for the rest of the day, which made Eddie want to strangle Buck's parents just a little.

He couldn't even imagine how little attention Margaret and Philip Buckley truly offered their son for Buck to yearn for acceptance and love this much. Even if it was a little difficult for Eddie at the start as well. He wasn't a very verbal person when it came to feelings and reminding himself of telling Buck when he did something good had taken some getting used to but, oh, if it wasn't worth it.

Buck's all-consuming smile made Eddie want to taste it against his own lips.

"Are you coming?" Buck asked quietly after the others began discussing whether or not they'd call 9-1-1 for a sexual mishap (an argument that had started because of a text that Maddie sent Chim and a conversation that Eddie was pretty sure Bobby was gonna shut down any moment now). He rested his cheek against his palm as he watched Eddie eat, arm propped up on the table, eyes way too fond considering Eddie wasn't the most sophisticated eater.

And it wasn't even anything out of the ordinary - Buck practically swallowing his entire plate in five minutes and waiting for Eddie to finish - and Eddie knew that Buck meant are you coming over later when he said it, but he still choked on his food.

That was another problem. Somehow, almost everything out of Buck's mouth sounded suggestive to Eddie now, which made sense because Buck was a naturally flirty person but-

How had Eddie never been affected by it before? How had he not noticed?

He held his hand up when Buck went to stand, probably to perform the Heimlich on him, coughing as he shook his head. "'M fine."

Eddie successfully ignored Bobby's gaze from across the table.

"Are you sure? You've been acting off ever since-" Buck started.

"I, uh-" Eddie cut him off just to cut him off. He could not afford Buck thinking too hard about it and realizing that the reason Eddie was acting weird was because of him. However, this also led to Eddie not actually knowing what to say. "I'm...busy."

"Oh." Buck sounded disappointed. "Something that I can help you out with?"

Suggestive. Just like Eddie had said.

His dick was doomed.

"No, it's just- you know. I gotta do...taxes." Eddie was the world's worst liar. And Buck was too good for this world to do anything but believe him regardless.

He wanted to hang out with Buck. Of course Eddie wanted to hang out with Buck! It was probably one of the only things that could bring him joy at the moment with all the shit that was the rest of Eddie's life.

But he also had no idea how to be around him when every time that Eddie so much as looked at Buck, he could hear a million voices overlapping in his thoughts. Old women whispering in churches, prayers before dinner, his mother's disappointment. They were all muffled, still Eddie knew exactly what they said.

"You shall not-"

This doesn't change a thing.

It wasn't Eddie's idea to step into Bobby's office at the end of their shift. In fact, Bobby was the one who had cornered Eddie after catching him staring at Buck while they cleaned the truck one too many times, leveled him with a kind yet intimidating gaze and told him that they needed to talk.

Yeah, Eddie did not want to be here. That didn't change the fact that he was grateful for Bobby to not do this in front of the others. And for silently handing him a fidget toy to squish that Eddie was almost positive was intended to be a dog toy. He held it in a death grip.

There was no reason for Eddie to be this nervous. Bobby couldn't prove anything- there was nothing to prove. And he wasn't Gerrard. Bobby may be their captain but he was also their friend and a father figure, especially to Buck, and-

Oh no. He wasn't gonna give Eddie a shovel talk, was he?

"Do you know why I called you in here?"

There it was; the worst sentence you're ever gonna hear from your boss. Eddie winced. There were two ways in which he could handle this situation. Three, if Eddie counted bolting right out of the door and never showing up at work again.

Either he was gonna be honest, since Bobby already seemed to know what was going on anyway or...

"No clue," Eddie replied, leaning back and giving the elastic dog toy (a green pig that fortunately had its squeaker taken out) CPR with his hand.

He stared at Bobby. Bobby sighed. Eddie tried not to feel like he had disappointed him. "It's not my business to know what's going on between Buck and you-"

"Exactly," Eddie agreed.

Bobby raised his brows. "-until it's affecting your work performance."

Well, shit.

"Look, Bobby, I appreciate you trying to look out for me, but just like I told Hen, everything is fine. We didn't fight, we're good," Eddie explained.

"So how come you're icing him out?"

"I am not icing him out," Eddie defended. He remembered Buck's sad look over dinner. "At least not intentionally."

Bobby raised his brows higher. "You should talk to someone, Eddie."

It took all Eddie had left in himself not to groan. "I see why you made Hen intermediate captain. But I'll stand by it. I'm not going back to therapy."

"That's not what I meant."

Eddie stopped pressing the fidget toy for the first time since he walked into Bobby's office, looking up at the guy in question. "I can't talk to Buck about it."

"Not who I meant either," Bobby said. He let Eddie squirm in his chair for a moment longer before grabbing a pen and a paper, scribbling something down that Eddie couldn't see from where he was seated. Eddie didn't dare to lean closer. "Some things are easier said to a person you trust. Other things not so much. I know what I am talking about."

The book, Eddie thought. "Your meetings," he said. "But I am not recovering."

Bobby stared back at him, looking for something in his eyes. Eddie wasn't sure if he found it. He wasn't even sure what it was. "Before my meetings, there was a different place that I'd go to."

"Which one?"

"The church."

Eddie wasn't sure what he'd been expecting. Not that, that was for sure, though in retrospect it made sense. Bobby was a practicing catholic. It's just that Eddie was not. And Bobby knew that, so... "Why do you think I'd willingly set foot into a church again?"

He didn't mean for the words to sound so harsh. It's just that the last time Eddie went inside one it was to marry his wife. His now dead wife. The one whose ghost was probably getting a migraine simply by watching Eddie mess his life up so bad.

"I think," Bobby started, placing a square note with an address on Eddie's side of the table, "that there are some things you have left unsaid. And, correct me if I'm wrong, but maybe the roots of those things lie within those walls."

"You're saying that I should go to confession," Eddie concluded.

"I'm saying that you should take the paper and think about it."

So Eddie did.

Chapter Text

It was too early. It was Sunday and it was too early as Eddie swirled his spoon through his breakfast flakes, silently judging his sister across from him for pouring way too much milk into her own bowl that couldn't even seem to stay on her spoon before she guided it into her mouth.

The sun hadn't even fully risen outside, the large lamp hanging over the dinner table lit in a cool-ish tone that made Eddie squint with how uneasy it was on his eyes. He was still in his pyjamas and Sophia's hair was still in braids that their mother had put in right after she showered yesterday to guarantee "nice and flowy" curls for the big day.

Big day, in this case, being the first communion. The one that Eddie had forgotten about right until his mother poured them both another glass of orange juice - something that made Eddie involuntarily shiver with how terribly it went with the milk - and smiled. "Are you excited?"

"No," Eddie replied, because he was tired and his sense of respect only manifested at reasonable hours of the day, and Sophia snorted milk out of her nose.

Their mother wasn't all too happy about that comment though, staring first at Eddie and then at her husband reading the newspaper. "Ramon."

Eddie's father didn't lift his eyes. "Respect, mijo."

Eddie dropped his smile as he kept pushing his breakfast flakes back and forth, eye twitching once he heard the sound that had kept him up all night already, blaring yet again from the bedroom upstairs. Sophia groaned, Helena pinched her nose, Ramon looked more intensely at the newspaper and Eddie...

Eddie regretted ever complaining about having a sister.

Because two were so much worse. Especially if one of them wouldn't ever stop screaming.

And the worst part was, this is what he'd gotten grounded for; Adriana's birth. So, maybe, he'd get away with it if he murdered her this time instead.

"I don't wanna go," Eddie mumbled, drawing his mother's attention faster than he would've liked. "And I don't want to wear a suit."

Helena looked tired. "We picked the suit out weeks ago, Eddie. You didn't complain about it then."

Actually, Eddie had complained. For the entire day. He had hated picking out suits in a tight-spaced store that smelled like sickeningly sweet perfume, old ladies holding up fabrics to his arms and telling him that he was gonna become a man.

The tie felt too tight around his neck, too large even if it was made for children. Somehow it reminded Eddie of his parent's wedding video - the one they had to sit through each anniversary - even if it was a ridiculous thought.

Because Eddie wouldn't marry that young. He hadn't even had a crush yet.

Still, it didn't change the fact that Eddie hated every part of the process. But of course his mother wouldn't know how much he had despised it. His mother, who had been more focused on Sophia's dress in the other section of the dressing room to even notice Eddie's discomfort. And since his abuela was taking care of Adriana that day, she hadn't been able to come along and comfort him either.

In the end, Eddie had just pointed at one of the many options in front of him and said that he'd take it. Because why was there such a fuss about clothing in the first place? All of the suits looked identical except for barely varying, shifting dark colors; dark-red, dark-blue, black, gray, darker shades of gray-

He had wanted to tell his mother as much but then Sophia came rushing down the hall, big grin on her face and dress lifted with her hands so she wouldn't trip and excitedly came to a halt right in front of him. "Do you like it?"

So how could Eddie even think of ruining this for his little sister? "It looks beautiful."

Now, though? Now Eddie wanted to do nothing but complain. "Can't I just hang out with my friends instead?"

"No," his mother said, hand on the back of her chair. "We already waited an extra year for you so you could do your first communion with your sister, Eddie. We're going to the church at one, Tía Pepa is helping you to get ready before that and you're doing this. You're Catholic, you have to."

"That's unfair!" Eddie shot back. He had never decided this.

Sophia looked between them, mirroring Eddie when he crossed his arms. "If Eddie isn't going, I'm not going either."

Helena looked like she was fighting very hard to keep her voice down, inhaling sharply as the crying from upstairs continued. "Sophia, honey, this is not how this works. You're both going to church, that's final."

"But I don't want to," Eddie argued.

Ramon muttered something about respect again, his usual line, but Eddie didn't really pay attention to it this time. His mother sighed, shaking her head. "You two go get dressed. Now. I'll check on Adri."

And maybe it was the fact that his father was still lost in his newspaper, maybe it was knowing that his mother wouldn't even notice. Eddie wasn't sure what formed his decision in the end, but once Sophia slipped off into her room and Helena shut the door to their parent's bedroom, Eddie crept right back down the stairs in his star-wars pj's.

His father didn't look up when Eddie shut the door behind himself and once he had, Eddie had no actual idea where to go. He could visit his friends, theoretically, but that was a long track without a car and Eddie really did not want to repeat the incident that was Adriana's birth.

Just sitting in a car freaked Eddie out sometimes.

No, he'd just...go somewhere. Anywhere, really, just kill time and then get back after 1pm. There was enough to do outside anyway. In fact, Eddie had always been an outdoors kid, even if his friends now didn't really match that energy. He still liked them, of course, but that was just a difference that annoyed him sometimes.

So Eddie walked along the streets of their neighborhood where the woods melted into suburbs, kicking stones until his eyes landed on something on the ground.

"Yes!" Eddie grinned, leaning down to pick up the most perfect stick he'd ever seen. It was curved at the top, making it look like the staff of a wizard and they, for one, were way cooler than knights; common knowledge and all. Eddie swung it in front of his face. "I will cast a spell on you!"

Maybe he should go back and get Sophia. She'd probably insist on being a princess which was boring, but Eddie needed someone to play the villain. Yeah, that was it! Perhaps she'd be willing to play an evil princess.

Eddie was about to turn back around - already planning on how to sneak his sister out of the house without their mother's hovering - when he startled at something walking between his feet. "Don't come any closer, I have a weapon!"

A black cat stared up at Eddie with curious eyes.

"Oh, hello," Eddie greeted, clutching his staff in one hand while he raised the other. "I'm Ed- wizard-" he thought of his abuela. "-Eddito. Wizard Eddito! What is your name, oh, you creature?"

The cat meowed, walking off.

"Hey, wait!" Eddie called after it, almost stumbling over his pj-pants as he followed the cat. "Do you want to play with me?"

Eddie took the lack of answer as a "yes", stumbling into the greener part of the neighborhood and pushing twigs and bushes aside to not lose sight of the black cat. He was vaguely aware that he'd stepped into a ditch in the ground at one point, left leg soggy with mud, but if there was one thing that Eddie Diaz wasn't it was a quitter.

So instead of complaining about it, he pushed on until he suddenly found himself...

"Where am I?" He asked out loud, narrowing his eyes at the flat grass surface surrounded by trees, a small way leading up to a porch that made way to a house where-

A woman sat. "I think the more appropriate question would be, who are you?"

Eddie was pretty sure that this was his neighbor's house - it looked just like it - but he had never seen the woman on the porch, her chin raised high as she looked down on him, even from her wheelchair.

Her hair was cut short, just below the ears and gray, her clothes layered and flowy with green and purple colors, a bunch of necklaces hanging from her neck. The earrings were huge too. Overall, Eddie would probably describe her as a very cool looking witch if it wasn't for her face.

She had a hard look on it, wrinkles making it seem like her frown was even deeper than it already was and there were circles underneath her eyes that stood out even more against the purple shirt. A mean expression, that was the best way to describe it.

Yet Eddie still couldn't help but think that she looked...sad. Somehow. Eddie's mother always told him not to speak to strangers but Eddie was also mad at his mother so... "I'm Eddie Diaz. I was following the cat."

As if on command, the cat snuggled up against Eddie's legs and Eddie could see the woman's eyes visibly soften. "You're the boy from next door. Janet told me about you."

He was familiar with that name. Janet was their neighbor that Eddie was technically not supposed to talk to because she was "weird" and "not a good influence" according to his parents. But she was nice. She was always smiling and had given Eddie and Sophia charcoal to draw on the streets with last year.

Eddie hadn't seen Janet in a while. "You know Ms. Wright?"

"Mrs," she corrected. "And she's...dead. She doesn't live here anymore."

Oh. Eddie had liked her. He crouched down in front of the cat, holding out his palm for it to sniff on until it pushed his head against it. "That's sad."

"It is," she agreed, careful neutrality in her voice. "Hey, do your parents know that you're here?"

Eddie couldn't help but to groan. "No, I have to hide."

The strange woman hummed at that, wheeling inside the house, and Eddie briefly thought this was the end of it.

He had abandoned his stick in the grass, carefully picking up the small cat to set it down in his lap. It purred softly in response to the cuddles and Eddie wondered if maybe he could convince his parents to get him a cat too.

It's when he noticed the thin collar hidden behind the fur, cautiously pushing it aside to reveal a little name tag. "So you're a boy," Eddie concluded, scratching the cat behind the ear. "You have a weird name for a cat, though."

The cat didn't get offended. Or, at least Eddie supposed he didn't. It's not like he could respond to Eddie's comment.

After about three minutes of cuddling the black cat, however, the woman pushed the door to the porch back open, something like relief crossing her expression when she saw that Eddie was still there. Weird. Did she think he'd leave the cat, or what?

"You know," she mused, watching him from afar. "He usually doesn't like people."

Eddie frowned, holding the cat up as if to make a point. "This sweet boy?"

"You'd be surprised, but he nearly clawed my eyes out once. We only started getting along after Janet...last year. When we needed each other."

"Is he Mrs. Wright's cat?" Eddie asked, then paused, correcting himself. "Was, I mean."

The woman nodded, still keeping her distance despite the ramp down to the garden. "Yeah. She found him trapped underneath the porch a few years back, as a kitten. I think he misses her."

"Just like you do?"

The circles underneath the woman's eyes almost seemed darker at the question. Before she could answer though, there was movement behind the glass door to the porch; figures that Eddie could only make out a second too late for running.

"Eddie!" Helena yelled, rushing into the garden to pull him to his feet, scaring the cat that immediately ran back to the woman's side, jumping on her lap. "You can't just run away, do you know what could have happened?"

Eddie's father followed after her a second later, shaking his head. This probably meant that Abuela was with Sophia and Adriana right now. How Eddie wished that was him. "But nothing happened."

"Yes, because Mrs. Wright called us in time! You had us worried sick!" Helena chastised, holding a finger up to Eddie's chest before pulling him into a hug. Eddie melted into it. He didn't think they'd actually be so worried.

"I'm sorry, Mama," he mumbled into her arms.

She carefully cradled his face before placing a kiss on his forehead. "God, where have you been? Mud on the clothes, leaves in the hair-"

"I followed the cat," Eddie explained. "Does this mean I don't have to go to church anymore?"

His mother's expression hardened. "You're going, Edmundo. And then you're grounded."

Maybe he really should've murdered Adriana instead.

"Thank you," Eddie's father finally spoke up, looking at the woman in the wheelchair. It sounded more like words forced through gritted teeth, his face not all that impressed and the woman's expression was mirrored in just the same way in return. "For calling us and leaving the door open."

"I didn't do it for you," she replied. Eddie had no idea what that meant.

But something did click, suddenly. His mother had called her Mrs. Wright. Janet's last name. So when his mother took him by the hand, walking him back up the porch, Eddie turned to her for one last time. "Was Mrs. Wright your sister?"

The other Mrs. Wright's eyes turned sad, yet her mouth stayed sour. "No."

Eddie barely had time to wave at the cat before his parents dragged him out of their neighbor's house. "Don't you ever run away again, Eddie Diaz."

"Alright," he promised. He wasn't planning on it. But maybe he'd convince his Abuela to bring him over once he wasn't grounded anymore to play with the cat again. Eddie had a feeling his parents wouldn't allow it.

The same way that they didn't allow Eddie to skip out on the first communion, which is exactly why he stood in a line of children his age now, walking up the church steps with Sophia by his side. Tía Pepa had cleaned up his face with a washcloth at home, clicking her tongue at his grumbling. She did give him candy though, so he wasn't too mad at her.

But now Eddie was back in his uncomfortable suit with the necktie and sweaty palms and the shuffling of everyone around him made him feel so out of place that he just wanted to run again. To Abuela, Mrs. Wright and the cat-

Anywhere but here.

And then he looked over at Sophia and all of those thoughts evaporated at once. Because while Eddie didn't want to be here, his sister looked downright anxious. "Hey," Eddie whispered, drawing her gaze towards him.

Her eyes were teary. "What if I do it wrong?"

"Do what wrong?" Eddie asked back, blinking to adjust his vision when they walked from the bright outside into the rather dimmed light of the church.

Sophia tugged at her dress. "The first confession."

It wasn't something that Eddie had even considered to worry about yet. After all, this was just part of the boring process that he didn't see a point to; stepping into a little box and admitting to something that he did that wasn't all too great. Then probably saying a prayer.

But Sophia was more perfectionistic than him, always wanting to give her best in everything and...yeah. Eddie hadn't paid enough attention to it. He hadn't looked after his little sister enough.

"You're gonna do perfect," Eddie promised, taking her hand and letting her clutch his in return. "Just breathe."

Sophia did. "Next time you do something stupid, don't leave me behind."

Eddie nodded. She'd probably force him to play princess again after this. It was the whole reason she was excited about the dress in the first place, even if she hadn't admitted it out loud. But this time, Eddie didn't mind.

He also wasn't surprised when Sophia came back out of her first confession with a shrug and a shake of her hand. "It really wasn't that bad. A little boring."

Eddie tried not to laugh as he switched places with her. He did give her a small high-five though.

However, as soon as he stepped into the box...

"Uh," Eddie said, blinking. It was smaller than he had expected, kind of restricting and dark. And that should be ridiculous, right? Grown men fit in here and yet somehow Eddie felt like he didn't. It was made out of dark oak, the little bench in the back made to look more comfortable with a dark pillow that Eddie only cautiously sat down on.

Just one step in a list, he reminded himself. It was weird but it would be over in a second.

"The saying goes, 'forgive me father for I have sinned', child," the person - the priest - reminded him from the other side of the box, behind the curtain, but-

"I haven't sinned," Eddie replied, sitting still.

"It doesn't have to be a big sin," the priest said, sounding old and exasperated. "Maybe you lied to your parents, didn't do your homework..."

Was that a sin? Eddie frowned. "I didn't lie."

There was a small moment of silence before the priest replied again, "Is there anything you feel guilty about?"

Guilty.

Eddie hadn't really thought about that, hadn't really reflected on it. Was there? There were a lot of things people could feel guilty about, he supposed. He felt bad for making his parents worry today, did that count? Or thinking about wanting his baby sister gone for almost the entire day until he had held her in his arms right before going to church and she had smiled up at him.

He did feel guilty about that too.

But right now...

"Forgive me father for I have sinned," Eddie said, picking at his nails. "I was too focused on myself today to notice that my sister wasn't okay either. I should've taken care of her."

"Alright, say two Hail Marys and may God forgive you for your sins. Send the next one in on your way out."

When Eddie stepped out of the box, he felt his eyes drawn to the church's windows, just like they always were. He still stared at them when Sophia and he received the Body of Christ for the first time and when it melted on his tongue, the taste very different to what he had imagined.

Eddie really wondered what might be on the other side; if there were trees or houses, maybe even a lake. If he went around, perhaps he'd find a secret garden too. But Eddie would never know. They went straight home after enough pictures had been taken, previous annoyance fading when the rest of the family surprised them in the living room with good food and presents.

And that's all that mattered in the end, right? Now Eddie was a part of them. Catholic.

He belonged.

Even if that feeling hadn't settled yet, at some point it would.

Eddie would just have to wait.

Chapter Text

Eddie had never felt comfortable stepping into the cold vicinity that was the church. The entire space felt too empty, walls stretching up so high up that you couldn't properly see the ceiling and the stone on the ground made horrible squeaking sounds if you dragged your feet just a little too much.

At least the bells weren't ringing now; no mess. Still, Eddie couldn't help from feeling out of place as soon as he stepped through the doors and found his eyes drawn to the stone holding the kind of water that Eddie did not deserve to pour onto his forehead.

Why was he here again?

Eddie sighed as he felt the piece of paper in his jacket, crumbled by now. He hadn't planned on actually following Bobby's advice. The paper was supposed to land in his bin as soon as Eddie got home and yet…

Here he was.

"You look like you could use some guidance."

Eddie looked up to find a man right in front of his face. Blonde hair, slight stubble, a smile a little too reminiscent of Buck's. He couldn't be much older than him and yet the black robe immediately made Eddie want to cringe because, seriously, how deep could he sink to have his first thought be, damn that priest looks hot.

He blamed it on the similarities to Buck and nothing else. Eddie was down bad.

"Is it that obvious?" Eddie asked instead, trying for a smile. He let go of the paper in his pocket, wiping his hands on his jeans as if to get rid of dirt.

The man smiled back, only that his actually looked earnest. "People rarely step into a church just for the sake of it. And if they do, they don't usually look lost."

'Lost' certainly was one word for how Eddie felt.

"I'm not exactly a regular kind of guest," Eddie admitted. He followed after the priest once he waved for him to do so, guiding him to an empty row.

Not that it was a difficult task. Eddie could count the people in this place on one hand and still have fingers left. That is even when he included himself and the priest.

There was one elderly man on his knees in the very back that Eddie had taken notice of before almost anything else. He held a rosary in his hand, dark oak, as he muttered a prayer over and over that Eddie couldn't make out. It wasn't English. He was aware of that much.

Before him, about three rows down, sat a younger woman. Dark hair, not kempt, and a winter jacket held to her chest in an effort to, what Eddie assumed, hide the fact that she was pregnant. She couldn't be older than Shannon was when she'd come back out of the bathroom with her own test and tears in her eyes.

Eddie had almost gone and walked over just to assure her that everything would be okay, but he supposed the reason why she came here out of all places was because there was one person she sought advice from first and foremost. Even if he wouldn't respond.

Besides, it would be a lie. At least out of Eddie's mouth. Nothing was okay.

"That's the thing about the church," the priest said as he patted the spot next to him. "No matter how regularly you visit, you'll always be welcome."

Eddie wished he could actually believe that. "My Captain sent me."

The priest hummed, looking him up and down in a way that Eddie tried to read as nothing but cautious analyzing but that proved incredibly difficult considering all he could see in him was…well, Buck. Buck's trusty eyes and worried pout and-

Eddie nodded to focus.

"You're a firefighter," the priest concluded. "118?"

"I feel like I am not the first person Bobby sent to you."

The priest laughed softly. That, at least, didn't hold a candle to Buck's own. No one could quite replicate the way Buck's eyes highlighted the brightness of his smile, the way it seemed like sunshine filtered into every line of his face, the crinkles by his eyes and dimples drawn into his cheeks.

"Oh no, you are. But you carry yourself just like him."

"Like what?"

"Like there is a weight on your shoulders that has melted into you while you have no idea how to get rid of it," the priest said, way too casually for the heaviness of the words. For the way he just read Eddie like a book - like the Bible. "I think in your job you help so many people daily that you forget you can ask for the same."

And here Eddie thought this would be different to therapy. "Help from God."

He didn't say "someone that doesn't exist" but he might as well have. Eddie felt like the bronze statue at the front was ridiculing him. The cross on Jesus' back pushed down on Eddie's own. Sacrifice.

"Sure," the priest said. "So, what weighs you down?"

The more appropriate question would be, what doesn't weigh Eddie down. His son was gone, his parents were being their usual selves, he couldn't focus on his job, had a house way too big for just himself and the one way to cope with that - the one person - was one Eddie couldn't be around without feeling so…

"Guilty. I feel guilty."

"What do you feel guilty about?" He asked, the lack of judgment in his voice reminding Eddie of just how little he knew. If he'd seen all the ways in which he'd ruined everything good in his life, the edge to those words would be harder. As hard as the one of his parents.

"I'm not religious," Eddie said tentatively. The priest simply nodded. Okay then. "But I was raised catholic. With catholic ideals."

He met Eddie's gaze the same way Bobby had; analyzing. Searching for something. Only that this time, Eddie actually knew what it was that he found. And it scared him.

He'd been to war, had multiple bullet wounds tattering his skin. Eddie had bled out on the streets of LA, had watched his best friend die right in front of his eyes - just like he'd been present for the death of his wife - and yet here Eddie was. Terrified of being seen.

"Sometimes catholic ideals differ," the priest said cautiously. "To me, to believe is to love."

Eddie felt the air being punched out of his lungs. He couldn't look in his face, not during a conversation like this, averting his gaze to the front. This church didn't have any stained-glass windows. It was the first thing he noticed, even before the man with the rosary.

It was still uncomfortable, too cold and dark. But the windows were tall and Eddie could see a tree outside. A big one, with bushy, green leaves slowly wilting and moving with the wind. Somehow Eddie didn't miss the sight of the colorful glass.

"To my parents, to believe meant to be right," Eddie replied, drawing the lines of the cross with his eyes. Right, up. Left, down. "They didn't like my girlfriend. Liked her even less when she became the mother of my child, my wife." Eddie paused. "Now she's dead and they still talk about her like she's never done anything right in her life."

"I'm sorry to hear that," the priest whispered. "Did it happen recently?"

"Six years," Eddie said. "Six years since she died and for me to fall in love with someone else."

He looked back at the priest, saw his narrowed eyes and turned right back to the front; the place where Eddie was glad no mess was being held right now. His mother wasn't here to shush him.

"Is that why you feel guilty? For falling in love again?"

Eddie didn't want to be honest. He wasn't even sure if he could be entirely honest with himself yet, but his throat felt raw. His shoulders were heavy, eyes tired and Eddie just wanted...something. Absolution? Not really. Buck? Definitely. Eddie wanted to get rid of the darkness engulfing him with every word he couldn't say.

And this was what he'd come here for, wasn't it? To talk. "I'm not sure I ever was in love before. Not like I am now. I loved my wife so much, but...it feels different. This time."

"Love comes in many forms," the priest said. Partly, Eddie thought, because he didn't know what else to say to that. He couldn't exactly nod along while Eddie told him that he married a woman under God's eyes that he wasn't in love with. Even if he hadn't realized. "So, who is it?"

"My best friend," Eddie replied easily. It felt lighter than all the connotations connected to it. My partner, my son's godfather, my power of attorney, the person that saved my life, the one I trust most in this world, one half of my light and soul and heart and-

A man.

Amen.

The priest followed his gaze to the Jesus statue. "Is your best friend married?"

It caught Eddie just a little too off-guard. "What? No!"

"Then what's the problem?" He asked. "Do they know that you're in love with them?"

"Absolutely not, I'd never risk our friendship like that."

"So you know for sure that they don't love you back?"

Eddie inhaled slowly, trying to ignore the burning in his lungs. "Yeah. He deserves someone better than me."

The pronoun slip didn't register in Eddie's head until a moment later.

When he looked back at the priest though, he couldn't find his father's eyes. He didn't see his mother's frown, her scoff, the words his father had written across his face. Instead, Eddie saw Buck. He saw Hen and Karen, Josh, saw Michael and his neighbor in El Paso.

Eddie saw the same grace he offered everyone but his own reflection. He saw a smile.

"Love is not a sin," the priest said calmly, making Eddie's heart skip a beat. "Especially not in the eye of the one who created it."

Eddie swallowed all the words he could think of in response - all the ones that didn't have his own voice. Instead, he decided to dodge replying to it all together.

"I don't know how to be around him right now," Eddie admitted quietly. "Every time I am-, every time I feel, it's like everything in me is telling me that I am doing something wrong."

It felt good to say it out loud, in a way. Even if Eddie couldn't believe he was actually doing it. To a stranger of all people. The Eddie stepping into Frank's office for the first time a few years ago would call him a liar for merely entertaining that idea. And then he'd probably punch him.

The priest hummed thoughtfully. "Do you think you're wrong?"

Eddie blinked. "What?"

"Do you think that maybe you're not in love with him? That you misinterpreted your own feelings?"

"No," Eddie replied. There was no mistaking it even if he'd tried to bury his feelings at first. "I think anyone would be stupid not to love him. He's-"

Eddie tried to fight a smile as he remembered Buck frowning at his glitter smeared hands when he helped craft a school project with (for) Christopher. They'd worked on it all weekend; a poster about natural disasters that Chris had insisted needed a whole aisle of blue glitter and that Buck agreed also needed hand-drawn sea animals with goofy eyes because he was a dork and Eddie was never fonder of him than when he saw him interact with his kid. His kid that wasn't here right now. Something that Eddie had fucked up too.

Something that he couldn't fuck up with Buck as well.

"He's the kindest person I've ever met. A heart of gold, helping everyone around him without needing to be asked. He's funny and stupid and yet so incredibly smart," Eddie started, unaware that he'd closed his eyes until he could see Buck so clearly in front of him. "And he's beautiful. Buck's the most beautiful person to ever exist."

He'd be embarrassed about pouring his heart out like this on any other day, but…Eddie really did miss Buck. He saw him at work everyday, but he missed him so much.

"Dad, do you think we should put glitter on the fishes too?"

Both of them.

"Then how could you possibly be doing something wrong?" The priest asked.

It was a question that Eddie couldn't answer. So he replied to a different one instead. "I can't tell him that I'm in love with him."

"You don't have to," the priest agreed. "But maybe you can tell him something else."

"You cooked an actual meal?"

It was the first thing out of Buck's mouth when he opened the door. And, to be fair, Eddie was standing there with his Abuela's ceramic, hadn't knocked and also conveniently hadn't shown up at Buck's apartment for the better half of two weeks.

Still, he had cooked before, thank you very much. He just wasn't as good at it as Buck, that's all. That was the only reason Eddie usually called dishes duty. That and maybe the fact that Buck got so adorably happy when he could do something for Eddie.

He took the whole love language thing incredibly seriously. But, hey, so did Eddie even if words really were hard for him right now. "I'm sorry."

Buck frowned. "I'm sure it's not that bad."

"No, I mean-" Eddie said, awkwardly shuffling his feet in the doorframe. "I'm sorry for not being, uh, emotionally available. Lately, I mean. Not coming over a lot."

They often joked about Buck being a golden retriever. Easily excited, a short attention span, people person-

But Eddie really did think that his friends sometimes underestimated one quality going hand in hand with all those other ones. Buck was forgiving. Too forgiving, if Eddie was being honest, because he kind of felt like he needed to gravel a little bit here. Hence, burned and then scraped to save mac and cheese.

Instead, Buck just waved him inside. "You don't owe it to me, Eddie. You have your own life."

"I was being weird," Eddie argued.

"And I am sure you had your reasons," Buck agreed, taking the food from Eddie and peeking inside. At least he didn't pull a face. That was an improvement. "But considering you went out of your way to avoid me, I am sure you don't exactly want to talk about them."

Eddie winced.

"Which I don't blame you for," Buck added. He grabbed two plates from the cabinets and Eddie did not look at his ass in those, what Eddie was sure were, yoga pants. Or, thought might be yoga pants. If he looked. Which he didn't. So who knows if they were the black, tight yoga pants with the little rip at the waist from when he'd cut Halloween decorations and forgot they were still on the table underneath the mess of orange paper.

It was anyone's guess, really.

"You should," Eddie finally said when Buck turned back around and Eddie could stop holding his breath. "And I am sorry for avoiding you, Buck. There's some- I just...can we go back to normal?"

Buck smiled as he handed Eddie a fork. "Always."

He had a way too forgiving best friend. Too forgiving, too kind, too sweet and Eddie really did not deserve him. No one did.

Eddie made a silent promise to himself to make it up to Buck in a different way, maybe get him that special edition of the book he kept talking about on calls whenever the topic of arts and craft came up. And with all the 118 kids and their school projects plus Mara's newfound interest in water colors? It did so a lot.

Personally, Eddie never really got the whole non-fiction genre thing that Buck was so obsessed with. However, that didn't stop him from inhaling every word that Buck ranted about it like it was air. And this topic - something about colors - seemed to really have piqued his interest.

Eddie made a mental note to pay attention to the title and author next time Buck brought it up again, before he sat down across from him, trying and failing not to drop his shoulders in immediate relief when the side of his foot hit Eddie's underneath the table. "So, what were you up to?"

"Yoga." Buck grinned.

It took all Eddie had left in himself to not reply, "no shit". Instead, he pointed his fork at Buck. "You've got to stitch up those pants."

"And you've got to learn how to cook."

Eddie kicked Buck's foot harder.

They didn't usually play poker. It was either cooking or ordering take out, watching a movie or nodding off to a documentary and it was either talking or existing in silence together.

But, according to Buck, Maddie kept insisting that she couldn't keep inviting him over for her and Josh's poker nights because he was too bad at the game. Minus lightning strike powers and card counting, of course. He wasn't allowed to even attempt to pull that stunt after Eddie took him to their low-stakes game.

However, it was the very reason why Eddie had kind of assumed Buck was good at it. Eddie hadn't really paid attention to it then, how Buck played. Sure, his focus had been on Buck for the entire time but it was so for other reasons.

Watching him count cards, for one. Complimenting himself for the suit he picked out for Buck, for another.

Still, it did distract him from anything other than sly smiles and confident rolls of shoulders. Because Buck was terrible at poker.

"All in."

Eddie raised his eyebrows at him, unconvinced. To anyone else Buck may seem confident in his hand, easily leaning back in his chair with one arm rested against the back.

His shoulders were relaxed, no tension in his expression either-

But, fortunately for Eddie, Buck had the most endearing tell. He had never heard any of their friends point it out, so he supposed this was something that only he had figured out so far. And Maddie, probably.

Because Buck's tell wasn't restricted to poker alone. It was in every lie that Eddie had ever heard him utter, which is probably exactly why no one else had called him out on it yet in the first place.

Buck's lies were hardly concealed. When he lied about something, specifically things he felt guilty about, he had the entire situation written out across his face.

He got quieter, scowled the entire time, usual restless motions turned stiffer and his stutter got its own stutter with how much he stumbled over his words when someone so much as addressed him while he was stuck in his own thoughts.

Everyone knew when Buck was lying because of all of those things. Eddie, however, knew Buck was lying when his gaze was glued to him right until Eddie smiled and Buck's eyes flipped to the floor in an instant.

Or the table for that matter.

"Sure," Eddie smirked, revealing his cards. "Full house."

Buck frowned. "At this rate I'll never be invited over to Josh and Maddie's poker and wine nights ever again."

He looked adorable.

"Well, we could always make our own wine nights," Eddie offered. "And then not invite them in return."

"Vicious," Buck replied, the grin on his face betraying his scandalized tone. "Are you telling me that you have wine worthy gossip, Eddie Diaz?"

"What do you think?" Eddie replied teasingly, taking a swig of his beer.

He could see Buck watching him out of the corner of his eyes, obviously waiting. Yeah. Golden Retriever indeed. "No wine, no story."

"Oh come on," Buck groaned, throwing his hands up. "You can't just leave me hanging like this!"

Eddie tried to fight his chuckle to no avail, hiding it in the mouth of his bottle. Buck was like a vacuum for information, no matter who or what about, but sometimes Eddie seriously questioned if there was anything he was not interested in.

Matter of fact, he could make the production of rubber sound interesting. Which Eddie only knew because it was exactly what Buck had done five minutes into their game, recounting the highlights from his latest Wikipedia deep dive. Eddie didn't even want to know what question led him to this topic.

"Fine," Eddie finally replied, throwing a bone and all that. He went through his mental library, contemplating what Buck didn't know that he himself did and-

He paused. There was that one thing, yeah. "Then how could you possibly be doing something wrong?"

Buck came out to Eddie right here.

And Eddie...

Eddie couldn't. "Don't tell Karen that I told you this but..."

Buck's eyes grew wide in anticipation.

"They're thinking about getting a pet for the kids."

"That's it?" Buck asked, deflating in his seat. "This is your gossip?"

Eddie was just about to respond that the reason why Karen was thinking about it in the first place was because she'd accidentally killed Denny's first hamster and wanted to redeem herself (a confession that she had made during their last wine night), when a yawn cut through his words instead.

This time he couldn't even blame it on having to wangle a kid and school and work all day, or even just doing things around the house. All he'd done all day was go to church and indulge Buck in his board game obsession.

But still, Eddie was exhausted for some foreign reason. Maybe he was getting old. It was only 11pm after all.

Instead of teasing him about it though, Buck simply shook his head, a fond smile tugging at the corners of his lips as he stretched his arms over his head and got up. "You can take the bed if you want."

"No, no, I should drive-" Eddie started, cut off by Buck's stern expression.

"Eddie, you had like, what, three beers? I'm not letting you drive home."

"I don't have any spare clothes."

Buck looked entirely unimpressed. "Oh, so now we're pretending that you don't sleep in nothing but your underwear."

To be fair, Eddie was usually running hot, especially during the night. And since Buck's apartment was heated to the most ridiculous max, because Buck was usually running cold-

Yes, when they had shared a bed back then during quarantine, Eddie may or may not have stripped more and more pieces of clothing each night until Buck finally told him, "Just make yourself comfortable."

Comfortable, in this case, being using Buck as his personal cooler. Not that they ever talked about it; the cuddling. Not during the time Eddie lived here and not after. It was just a thing of the moment - nothing spectacular - two friends enjoying each other's company and the fact that Chimney and Hen were sleeping downstairs on the couch with no knowledge of it to rub into their faces.

Not that there was anything to rub into their faces. At least back then. Eddie hadn't thought of it as weird or smudging the lines of platonicity. He simply enjoyed the feeling of Buck's arms wrapped around him, his head on his chest, legs tangled together.

Sure, it'd sometimes resulted in some awkward moments in the morning, but that was just natural. They could laugh the morning wood off just like they could laugh the fact off that one time, when Eddie really did not want to get up, he had grumbled and held on to Buck strongly enough to send both of them to the floor when Buck so much as tried to get up.

It's why they worked so well as friends. Nothing was ever truly as uncomfortable as not being together.

Which is why Eddie felt both relieved that he didn't have to ruin that memory with awkwardness now that he viewed sharing a bed with Buck entirely differently than before, and yet disappointed.

Because Eddie missed it. Not just the weight of another person in his arms but the weight of Buck specifically. He missed the barely audible yet steady snoring in his ear, the content puffs of air, the way fingernails would absentmindedly run over his arms when they whispered to each other before falling asleep - about everything and anything; the world record for the most highlighters used on a paper and if Buck had earned it or the start and end of the universe.

It were the same conversations they'd had all day but that somehow felt different, said in the dark with nothing to see but Buck's face in front of his, light freckles decking his nose and hair curling against the pillow after a quick shower.

Buck must've read his silence wrong though, because he shrugged his shoulders and said, "But I can lend you my clothes, of course."

"How generous of you," Eddie couldn't help but muse. "After I've given you almost every piece of clothing I own."

"Shut up." Buck threw a gray pair of sweats his way. Eddie caught them easily. "Go to sleep."

Before Buck could turn around to make his way up the stairs, Eddie felt a lump in his throat. Not actually and not like a blockage to his breathing, but Eddie felt it nonetheless. He'd managed to dodge Buck for days - unwilling to look him in the eyes - and yet as soon as he had him again...

Eddie didn't want to let go. Which was a little insane, considering that they were still in the very same four walls, but Eddie blamed it on the fact that, well, it was Buck. Who wouldn't yearn to be close to him? And yet, at the same time, Eddie supposed it was for the better.

It was a difficult tightrope to walk; the center between hoping and knowing. One that Eddie hadn't learned to navigate, not with Buck. Truthfully, it felt terrifying at times. But not as terrifying as losing this altogether.

"Hey," Eddie said, swallowing the weight of the words he wanted to say for a split second and replacing them with a different truth. Buck blinked back at him, not pulling away from Eddie's hand around his wrist. "I missed this."

Buck smiled softly. "I missed you too."

Eddie would never know what that smile tasted like against his lips, but that was okay. It was better than not having Buck at all.

And Eddie would rather die than to give up the last trace of sunshine remaining in his life.

Chapter Text

The scheduled phone calls were something that was supposed to help Eddie and Christopher connect while he was in El Paso, something to direct the anger into acceptance. It was also something that was supposed to get better at one point but that still felt so...hopeless.

And Eddie didn't want to call it that because it would never change the fact that he wasn't ever gonna give up on making Christopher forgive him but it's been almost six month and his son was still in El Paso, still giving him the same annoyed eyes one hour ahead when Eddie called at 6am on a Monday before school.

There was no connection and no acceptance. It was still just anger and Eddie couldn't even blame Chris for it. Eddie was the one who had fucked up, he was the one having to live with the consequences and yet-

Yet, Eddie wanted to reach through the phone screen, claw his way to El Paso if he had to, and shake him awake, tell him that this couldn't continue, that he had to come home. But Eddie couldn't.

He stared back into Christopher's disinterested eyes and his gaze that landed on everything around him that Eddie couldn't see, in Eddie's old room that was completely redecorated now, not having seen his own son smile in half a year. And Eddie thought himself unable to make a choice for him when he couldn't even get his own life under control.

"Your grandma told me that you're in the pool club now," Eddie said, trying to sound enthusiastic. "Is it fun?"

"Uh, huh," Chris agreed, rolling his eyes. "Why else would I be doing it."

It wasn't a question, more of a statement, a dead-end to another topic of conversation of the many that Eddie was starting to run out of. "Do you have any exciting plans for the day?"

"No."

"Maybe you wanna tell me about your new friends?"

Chris actually groaned at that. His son, who used to tell Eddie about everything that happened in his day in excruciating detail, who liked to draw pictures and cards and who always had a smile on his face, groaned at Eddie. And Eddie had to act like it didn't tear his heart into two. Or three, five, no, a million little pieces that he'd never find in the dark of his being.

And before Eddie could even convince himself that maybe Chris would reply after all, that he'd let him in on his life again, the screen buffered. "Chris? Chris, the connection is-"

The call ended.

Eddie wanted to throw his phone. He didn't though, not again. The crack across his front camera was bad enough and Eddie did not want to risk his luck with getting too angry at the device a second time. Worse comes to worse, and it would break completely with no option to call his son at all. Not that it would make much of a difference compared to what he had right now.

Although, now he at least got to see his face. Even if it terrified Eddie how much older he looked with each passing week. "Why else would I be doing it."

Eddie swallowed the thought of piers and waves and glasses hung around Buck's neck. He ignored the heavy feeling settling on his chest as he recalled Buck's breaking voice, I swear to you-, and how Eddie, for a brief moment, was split between grief and anger and despair and denial in a way that he's only ever felt one other time after.

He remembered how long it took, how much effort and small steps of Eddie's eyes watering when he had to make Chris take a bath and he screamed in terror instead, how many restless nights he had because of nightmares and how often Buck had to pick them up to take them to the beach, over and over, Chris holding onto both of them for the security that his parents never...

And that was the worst part, wasn't it? Another thing to feel guilty about. Because Eddie hadn't been there when it happened, he hadn't been there with them when the wave separated Buck and Eddie hadn't been there to tell them that it would all be okay.

He had a small moment of overwhelming panic while Buck and Chris spent the entire day thinking...

And even though Eddie promised himself he'd never let it happen again, here he was. Separated from his son. Away. Missing him. And for the first time Chris was okay without him. It shouldn't hurt as much as it did.

Before Eddie could ponder it any longer and send his mother the fifth message that she'd only reply to at the end of the week because she "was busy" and "hadn't seen it", an entirely different notification popped up on Eddie's screen.

It's how he found himself in front of a not yet opened bookstore at 8am, clutching his jacket closed because the zipper got stuck just about yesterday and squinting through the rain. He'd been standing here for the past 30 minutes, watching as lights slowly got turned on and people walked past him with questioning gazes on their faces.

He didn't feel like giving them an answer. Because, sure, Eddie had realized, somewhere along the way, that the reason why there was no line of people surrounding him right now was because the launch of the special edition of Buck's most anticipated read of the year was a little more niche than expected.

Not that non-fiction books were doing bad per se, but...

A book about color theory isn't that attractive to most people. There, Eddie said it. But if Buck liked it and Buck was interested in it then Eddie could damn well pretend that it was the Adonis of books, thank you very much.

Besides, Eddie had spent hours trying to find a bookstore that sold the special edition here in L.A. and even longer to find one that sold it upon launch date. It was a little out of his way, especially from the firehouse, but that was exactly why Eddie was here right now, waiting for the doors to open as he pretended like he wasn't actively shivering like a naked chihuahua.

That and, yeah, Eddie did think there would be a line, sue him. He just wanted to make sure he got the book before their shift later today. Buck had done way more and crazier things for him. Eddie was just catching up, that's it.

So when the doors opened and Eddie immediately pushed inside with eagle eyes, that was merely because he was focused on his task and had nothing to do with the fact that he'd cursed himself about thirty times in his head, in all the three languages he spoke, for forgetting an umbrella.

"Non-Fiction books?" Eddie asked, voice embarrassingly raw.

The blonde woman with the lanyard around her neck that told Eddie her name was Susan and she used the pronouns she/her with a little smiling sunflower, blinked slowly before pointing to the left. Eddie ignored the fact that he was the only one in this damn store as he quickly rushed into the direction of her manicured finger.

And there it was, propped up on top of a display case with a little handwritten card that read, New Release!

Relief and triumph washed over Eddie as he picked it up, carefully turning the book in his hands to see that it indeed had a metallic cover that looked like it changed colors depending on the lighting and sprayed edges - a term that Eddie had learned during his deep dive into book-tube - that made him want to recreate the beginning scene of The Lion King.

It looked exactly like the author - who May had to help Eddie find over social media because the author didn't use his actual name on there and, no, May, I did not see the links when I googled his name - had described it. Hopefully Buck would like it.

Eddie took a deep breath as he finally relaxed his shoulders and actually looked around the store. It was cozy, a small reading corner in the kid's section that Eddie could make out from here because it really wasn't that large of a bookshop. All the shelves were covered in a darker coat of paint to make them look like pine oak, highlighted by some fake ivy and fairy lights all around the room.

It was obvious that the store had tried to specialize in a fantasy and kid-friendly genre and Eddie was suddenly overcome with the depressing thought that, Christopher would love it here. Or, at least, pre-teenage and pre-Eddie-ruining-everything Christopher would.

Eddie always used to read to him before bed. Then, when Buck came along, he was the one to take over every time he was still at their house when Chris had to go to sleep. Because he did the voices better, or something. Eddie didn't really take offense to it.

In fact, there was nothing sweeter than watching the two of them while leaning against the doorframe, trying not to melt while Chris yawned and Buck adjusted the blanket for him before turning the lights off.

Christopher had already distanced himself from goodnight stories before everything went down, but Eddie thought that he must've really hit the final nail in the coffin - any chance of Chris ever coming to him again when he couldn't sleep so they could share a lukewarm cacao in the kitchen - when he decided to have an emotional affair.

Eddie tightened his grip on the book as he shook his head, walking towards the cash register where two people were still chatting with coffee mugs in their hands. He couldn't see what silly design was plastered on them, but Eddie wouldn't be surprised if it were book puns. "Hello."

They turned around, smiling. Susan - Eddie recognized now - quickly said something about unpacking new arrivals to her co-worker before she turned around the corner, leaving Eddie with...

He stared at the lanyard, trying to make it out. "It's Morgan," the woman replied instead, chuckling softly as she pushed her thin-rimmed glasses back up her nose. "She/Her. How can I help you?"

She looked a little like Shannon. Not in a Kim way, no, or even just her features but...her smile. It reminded Eddie of the time he met her, back at the lake, when he didn't have any words to say and instead listened happily as she sat down beside him. Back when they were a little more carefree, when Eddie tried to let go and Shannon made him want to string her along as the first part of his new life.

Before they got married, before love came with expectations. Before instead of stringing her along, Eddie got lost on his own.

He cleared his throat. "Just wanted to check out this book."

Morgan hummed, picking it up. "Oh, hey, you're the guy that was waiting outside all morning, aren't you?"

Eddie looked around the store. No one else had come in. "I suppose so."

"Hey, no judgement here, I'd do the same for my favorite book series or-," Morgan replied easily, checking the title with a frown. "-uh, The Understanding of Color Theory. Are you a painter?"

"No, it's actually more about what colors represent instead of how to mix them. I mean, technically you can use it as a guide for creating atmosphere in art, but it's really more about symbolism and metaphors and there are some sections on the history of colors as well," Eddie cited Buck's response from when he had asked him the same question.

Morgan looked impressed. "So you're a writer instead."

"I'm a firefighter," Eddie explained, opening his jacket to point at the LAFD logo on his shirt. Not that he had to, but he liked to prove his point sometimes.

"Oh, that makes sense," Morgan replied, looking him up and down. "Though, I thought you fight the hot fires instead of bringing them."

It was a good line, Eddie had to admit. It's just that his heart was massively taken, even if he himself technically wasn't. So, Eddie just smiled. "But to answer your other question, the book isn't for me. It's a present."

Something close to realization dawned on Morgan's face, even if Eddie could see her eyes flickering to his empty ring finger.

"Someone special?" She asked carefully as she squatted down to get the wrapping paper, an array of colors to pick from. Eddie wordlessly pointed at the red one. It would work the best, since he planned to give it to Buck as soon as he got to the firehouse. And, well, Buck liked the color red.

"Yes," he said. "My-"

Too many things to put into one, but certainly not just Eddie's best friend. Not his boyfriend either, never would be, but also not just the man that Eddie had fallen in love with. That wouldn't even come close to describing how he made Eddie's life better, made his heart beat more easily yet faster all the same.

Nothing truly encapsulated that Buck was...it. Buck was it for Eddie. His person that he'd never really have.

"My partner," Eddie explained, biting his tongue for just a second before he added, "He loves those books."

Morgan smiled, fond as she carefully wrapped the book. "If he's worth waiting in the rain for, I am sure you love him just as much."

"I do," Eddie admitted, even if the words were heavy, even if it wasn't a clear cut confession and even if she didn't know Buck. But he said it. And yet her smile didn't fade.

Maybe it would get easier one day.

"Alright, that's it then?"

Eddie opened his mouth to agree when his gaze suddenly fixated on the little display of bookmarks right beside the register. One of them in particular. "How much are those?"

"One-fifty," Morgan replied kindly.

1.50$ was definitely worth it to not ever witness Buck using a piece of asparagus as a bookmark again. Eddie handed her his card.

When Eddie walked up to the loft with a small paper bag in hand, everyone else was already there. Which meant that Buck was also present, naturally. Which then, in turn, meant that when Eddie walked towards the couch, Buck stared up at him with those pretty blue eyes and long lashes, his name running from his lips like honey. "Eddie."

He really hoped that no one saw the way he just shivered.

"Hey," he greeted Buck back, throwing a wave into the room though his eyes stayed right on Buck's face as he lifted the bag. "I got you a present."

Buck looked surprised, sitting up more properly. "It's not my birthday."

"Do I need an occasion?" Eddie gently placed the bag in Buck's lap. "Happy Regular Day."

If Eddie had thought the smile of the bookstore worker was fond, Buck's smile proved indescribable. Sure, his love language really undoubtedly was words of affirmation but Eddie stored the little piece of information about how much Buck liked to be surprised neatly in his thoughts for later use.

Hen nearly spilled her coffee in alarm when Buck suddenly jumped up, finally revealing the book beneath the wrapping paper and- "How did you- It's not even out until- Eddie!"

"Until today," Eddie offered, his words cut short when Buck surged forward to pull him into a hug. And it wasn't like they rarely showed this type of affection - they touched plenty all day - but hugs themselves seemed to be a bit rarer between them. Especially surrounded by their friends.

So it, admittedly, took Eddie a second to find his composure before hugging Buck back, smiling into the crook of his neck and feeling Buck's grip tighten. "Thank you."

But just as soon as Eddie got used to it, Buck pulled back, holding the book up for Hen and Chim to see with bright eyes and even Hen's tired - in a I have two kids and a demanding job kind of way - eyes softened immediately.

Chimney came to a stop beside Eddie, ominously and slowly leaning in from the side as Buck started flipping through the pages with Hen who nodded along patiently. For the moment. Eddie knew her well enough by now to be aware of the fact that her patience with Buck wasn't always endless but indulgent for just long enough to spur Buck on. "You're aware he's gonna be spilling facts about this for the entire rest of the shift, aren't you?"

Eddie grinned. "Yeah."

"You're gonna kill us all, Diaz," Chim mused, shaking his head. "You and your soft spot."

If Buck was Eddie's soft spot, he sure wasn't gonna complain about having it.

Even if that led to Hen and Chimney staring daggers at him while they were sitting in the back of the engine on their way to another call. An opportunity that Buck had realized as the one time they couldn't run away from him, his text markers, sticky notes and the little bookmark of a golden retriever in a fire hat as he progressively moved through the pages.

It shouldn't surprise Eddie that Buck color coded his books with markers and added notes. However, it did surprise him that Buck owned all of those items - at home and in his locker - but still had never bothered to buy himself a proper bookmark. Perhaps the one Eddie had gotten for him was the first one he owned.

At least he seemed to like it.

"Did you know that there is a color nicknamed the shade of death?" Buck asked with a smile on his face, the same tone of voice he put on whenever he held a clipboard in his hands. Or, well, when he learned something cool and wanted people to listen to him, which Eddie was not gonna stop him from.

So while Hen rolled her eyes and Chim pretended to be annoyed - though Eddie knew he secretly was intrigued because he was superstitious in that way - Eddie rested his chin on his hand as he focused on Buck across from him, gently nudging his foot. "I have not."

The three magic words that fueled Buck like fire.

"It's a very tragic story from the 19th century involving arsenic green," Buck started, raising his finger when Eddie narrowed his eyes, ready to make his same old argument about curses, "It's a real story about real death!"

That seemed to extract the last trace of interest Chimney had, at least.

"Go on," Eddie prompted.

"Arsenic green was invented back in 1775 by Scheele, a chemist, and consisted of a yellowish-green pigment made from sodium carbonate and arsenious oxide. Which, you guessed it-" he pointed at Hen who mumbled back, "Is poisonous."

Buck nodded. "Humans have always strived to create the colors of nature on their own and when Scheele made this beautiful dye of green they put it in everything. Garments - the reason why more women died of it thanks to the volume of their dresses - and wallpapers or carpets. People essentially turned their houses into death traps and the aristocrats dropped like flies!"

Morbid, Eddie thought.

Buck continued. "They even put it into toys for kids, which is honestly the most tragic part about it. 0.00247 ounces of arsenic is enough to kill you and yet those people went around practically living in it! Isn't that insane?"

Before Eddie could respond, Bobby's voice cut through the head-set, calm and with an audible smile in it. "Don't tell our victim. Dispatch said he experienced some kind of allergic reaction."

Eddie raised his brow, leaning forward to whisper. "Or an exposure to real life chemistry class."

"Don't spur him on, Eddie," Bobby warned. Buck only grinned.

However, when they got to the scene Eddie's own smile all but dropped from his face. He hated calls involving kids, especially seeing them actively in pain, though this one seemed more panicked than actually hurting.

Eddie could hear Maddie's voice from the loudspeaker of the teen's phone. "Okay, Darren, the fire department is here now, remember to breathe and be honest."

Honest?

When Eddie got close enough he had a feeling he knew what she was talking about, though not really. The, not older than sixteen, guy's shirt was pushed up to his chest, revealing a nasty rash on his stomach and a very swollen belly button surrounded by a piece of metal. A specific type, if Eddie had to guess. "Nickel allergy?"

The guy, Darren, nodded with tears in his eyes, perched up on a chair in a house that looked otherwise empty. "I didn't know."

"Are you home alone?" Bobby asked, appearing at Eddie's side out of nowhere which definitely did not make Eddie jump.

Darren swallowed, looking around and scratching his red skin. Then his eyes landed on the phone where the emergency number was still displayed and he took a deep breath before saying, "There's someone else. He, uh, he passed out. I put him on my...my bed."

"Alright," Bobby said. "Chim, Eddie, I want you to check his vitals and give him some clobetasol, try to figure out who the piercer is. Buck, Hen, you're with me. We're gonna go over to victim two."

Just like that, Eddie squatted down in front of Darren's stomach while Chim put the blood pressure cuff around his arm. It really did look nasty. Not as nasty as some of the wounds he had seen in Afghanistan or even on the job as a firefighter, but it couldn't be comfortable. "Is it freshly pierced?"

Darren bit his lip. "Yeah. I got it done today."

Maybe it was the fact that Eddie was familiar with the look of a kid who knew he was about to get in trouble or maybe Darren was just really bad at keeping secrets, but Eddie saw through it immediately. "Let me guess, you got it done right here in this house while your parents weren't home."

"How do you-" Darren started, pressing his eyes shut as another wave of itchiness seemed to hit, gripping the edges of his chair really hard to not scratch.

"Because normally, you put medical plastic through that before you even begin thinking about putting a nickel piercing through a fresh wound," Eddie explained, ignoring Chimney's curious glance. Alright so, Eddie might have had an earring at one point before he let the hole grow closed, no big deal. This wasn't the point of the conversation. "And your piercer should've known that, though something tells me that a professional piercer wouldn't come to your home to pierce you."

Darren looked caught. That's the only way Eddie could describe it. Caught and close to tears, his lower lip trembling.

"Vitals are good," Chim informed them.

Darren was still holding back. Eddie just didn't know why. But there was something...something in his eyes. He looked scared. Not just uncomfortable and embarrassed about this whole situation but actually scared and Eddie was starting to think that there was more honesty to be revealed.

It's when Buck came jogging in from the other room, carefully brushing Eddie's side as he made his way over to the ambulance to retrieve something. Eddie gave him a look. "Everything okay?"

"Other victim is another teenage boy, got a rash on his forehead, maybe from hitting his head. Hen thinks it's a light concussion but at least he's awake now," Buck explained, holding up the small flashlight in his hands. "Just forgot those."

"Is he okay?" Darren asked suddenly, panic lacing his voice as he frantically stared at Buck.

Buck couldn't look any more gentle. "He is. And he'll be even better once we give him medical treatment just like you."

Eddie knew that expression on his face. It was the prompting of a question. "We're almost done here, gonna let the hospital extract the metal."

Satisfied with that answer, Buck nodded, rushing off towards Hen again. Eddie couldn't stop the smile from tugging at his lips when he almost stumbled on his way, tripping over air as a curse of giant giraffe legs. Ones that Eddie really wanted to feel wrapped around him, maybe resting on his shoulders as he took Buck apart, though, of course he wasn't thinking about that during work. Only for a split second.

...wait. Oh.

"Chim, can you give me a moment?" Eddie asked, eyeing the teenager.

"Sure." He walked over to Bobby, leaving Eddie in an out-of-earshot range for everyone but Darren who still looked like he wanted to sink into the Earth and never crawl back out till worms and moles consumed him.

"Tell me about your piercer," Eddie prompted, drawing Darren's attention immediately. "How do you know him?"

"Max?" Darren asked, looking to the floor. "We, uh, we're best friends. Have been since the start of the school year."

"Max want to become a piercer?"

Darren smiled softly, even if it looked a little sad. "Kind of. He wants to go to art school, maybe open a tattoo shop. This was just a test run because, uhm, my dad wouldn't allow me to get a piercing but I really wanted one and...Max watched a lot of tutorials."

"But the needle still made him pass out?" Eddie asked, trying for a light tone as he smirked.

"No, he could handle that," Darren chuckled, probably recalling the memory. "He, well, he's bad at seeing wounds and when the rash started to spread he passed out on my bed, hit his head on the headboard."

Eddie hummed. "Did he come into contact with the rash while you two were in bed? Without the gloves that I hope he used while he pierced you?"

He realized he'd skipped a step too far when Darren's cheeks grew red and his eyes widened, looking frantically for an escape to this conversation. Eddie put his hand up. "We have to know this in case he starts showing symptoms of a rash too."

"I, uh, we didn't do anything, I mean, we're not, I'm not- my dad would...." Darren began to stumble over his words.

Eddie grimaced. Something that Darren interpreted wildly wrong, because now he really was crying. "Hey, hey," Eddie soothed, searching his eyes. "There's nothing wrong with that."

Darren only sobbed.

Okay. Alright. Eddie had to say something. "You said Max is your best friend, right? Well, you saw that firefighter that is taking care of him right now, who told you he was gonna be fine? That is my best friend. Buck. He's bisexual."

Eddie really hoped Buck wouldn't have an issue with him telling Darren that, but considering that he was very loud and proud about it and still had that keychain on his work duffle, Eddie didn't worry too much about it. Especially since it would help another queer kid. Eddie knew Buck.

"Really?" Darren asked quietly.

Eddie nodded. "I know what it's like to be in love with your best friend because I am too. I mean, he doesn't know it and you can't tell him-" Darren nodded quickly. "-but...I get it. It makes things difficult."

"My dad hates him and he doesn't even know we're dating yet," Darren whispered, tapping his fingers on the edge of the chair; a nervous tick that Eddie was all too familiar with. "If he finds out that Max gave me that piercing he's gonna know and I'm- I'm not ready yet."

"We have to contact your dad to inform him that you're in the hospital, Darren," Eddie explained gently, feeling terrible for the scared look on the boy's face. "But you don't have to come out yet. Not if you're not ready."

"Then what should I tell him?"

"Friends give each other piercings all the time," Eddie said, frowning at his own words as he thought it over. "Well, not all the time, per se, but still. It's not something solely romantic and honestly? When it comes to my experience with parents, he'll be more mad about you getting a piercing despite his rules anyway."

Darren groaned, though at least it didn't sound all too anxious anymore. Instead, Eddie was reminded of Christopher's face this morning all over again; annoyance mixed with the expression of a boy who wants to grow up faster just so he can be independent. "He never allows me to do anything."

"Maybe he just wants to protect you," Eddie replied softly. "It's an uncertain world as a parent."

"But I live in the same world! I should be able to make my own decisions without him always snooping in on them." Darren leaned back in the chair. "I just don't want him to criticize everything I do or everyone I hang out with. It's suffocating."

Eddie hadn't thought of it that way.

It's when Buck and Hen came out with Darren's boyfriend, carrying him on the gurney as he squinted at the bright lights. "Is the extra RA unit here yet?"

Darren instantly jumped up. "Are we not going together?"

"You'll be brought to the same hospital, don't worry. You can see each other there," Eddie explained which Darren looked reluctant about at first but then finally agreed. "Do you want me to call your dad or will you?"

"I think," Darren started, taking a deep breath. "I will tell him."

Eddie was still thinking about it on the way to the hospital, then back to the firehouse and even while they were changing back into their civilian clothes at the end of their shift, vaguely hearing Buck talk about his next target color - blue, this time - when he closed his locker.

Eddie was still thinking about it. Even when he was back home in front of his bathroom mirror, staring at his reflection that looked so out of place and so much like his father in this light. The mustache didn't do anything to fix it. It just reminded Eddie that he had failed.

The entire thing had been a stupid idea anyway, an early mid-life crisis if anything. Why did Eddie think growing a mustache would in any way help him become a new version of himself, when he couldn't even accept his old one that he'd only recently uncovered?

"Who are you?" Eddie whispered at his own reflection.

Buck is bisexual. Eddie was able to say that. I am in love with him. He was able to say that too, at least to a kid who needed to hear that. At least to a priest who was sworn to keep it to himself or a bookstore worker who couldn't say anything definitive about words implied.

And it was true, of course. Eddie was in love with Buck, that was the main issue here, but so far...

Eddie had been pretty good at ignoring what that actually meant for himself.

"Who are you?" He repeated, more quietly, taking a deep breath before he lifted his razor to his face. Eddie had never liked narrow spaces, even if sometimes they were mandatory in the job he was doing. He didn't panic, not about something like this, but Eddie didn't like it.

Maybe it started with his first confession, he wasn't sure. But the thought of boxes...it was restricting. And perhaps one day it wouldn't be, because Buck surely didn't think about it the same way Eddie did; narrowing himself down to one term and yet feeling free inside of it and Hen didn't either.

They all had names for the way they felt and yet Eddie couldn't even take a hold of his feelings for long enough to properly examine them. He couldn't capture them and put them in a box; he wasn't fast enough for that.

Eddie splashed water into his face, getting rid of the last traces of loose hairs before he looked back up into the mirror. No, this wasn't just about Buck. It was also about Eddie. It was about Eddie telling himself.

He took a deep breath before opening his mouth, gripping the sink with both hands as he stared into his own clean-shaven face.

"I'm queer."

Chapter Text

"Can I help you, Abuela?" Eddie asked as he tugged at his abuela's fingers to release the heavy grocery bags from her grip.

She smiled softly as she handed one over. "Thank you, mijo."

It wasn't that long of a walk - from the store back to his abuela's house - but this wasn't where they were headed to today. Eddie tried not to huff as he lifted the white plastic bag, kicking a little stone with his feet that pointedly hit Sophia's ankle in front of him. She gave him a glare.

Eddie grinned, before shifting his gaze back to his abuela. "Why can't Mrs. Wright get her own groceries? Is it because she's in a wheelchair?"

"No, not really. She may have a walking disability, but Dorothy is very independent and capable of getting around," Abuela explained, carefully watching Adriana's stumbling steps next to Sophia to make sure she didn't let her nose meet the gravel. "But Dorothy doesn't like leaving the house ever since Janet's death."

"Why?" Eddie asked, curious.

His abuela shrugged. "Grief is a strange thing. It can make you behave in all kinds of irrational ways. It's something we can't control."

Eddie tried to imagine it - never leaving his house - and pulled a face. Sure, he didn't like to go to school sometimes and wanted nothing more than to stay in bed, but forever? That seemed kind of...daunting. Sad, even. He wouldn't be able to go out and play with his friends, wouldn't be able to go to the movies or go on those trips with his abuela and sisters.

Heck, he probably wouldn't be able to see Abuela half the time! While she often babysat him and his sisters at their house too, his parents primarily set them off at her place on days like today, which Eddie had no complaints about.

He loved his abuela, her cooking and ability to always be interested in everything they told her. And, most importantly, while Eddie's sisters were definitely his parent's favorites, Eddie was Abuela's. She'd told him.

So Eddie really did not understand why Dorothy would want to spend her life all alone in an old house. "Isn't it lonely?"

Abuela ruffled his hair affectionately. "Now that she has us, it isn't. That's what being catholic means, Eddito. We help the people around us, especially our neighbors."

It's the first time Eddie actually felt a sense of pride in his chest at that word; catholic. He liked that meaning. It felt more grounding than blind devotion and guilt. Still, he didn't really understand why his parents refused to follow it.

Ever since Eddie had stumbled upon Mrs. Wright's garden and told his abuela about it, she had made it a point to take him and his sisters there whenever she was babysitting, usually bringing fresh made meals or groceries to, well, make fresh made meals right there.

But even while Eddie sneaked into her garden alone sometimes to play with Dorothy's cat or ask for one of her amazing cookies if she had any - clearly having learned from the consequences of his running away - he could find his Abuela there sometimes, sitting on a chair on the porch next to Dorothy with crochet garn in her hands.

Eddie was happy about it. Dorothy looked less tired nowadays, smiled more too and the circles around her eyes were barely visible anymore. And if all the help she had needed was to just have friends that reached out? Eddie wasn't sure why no one had helped before.

In his abuela's words, kindness doesn't come with any costs so long as you don't expect payment in return. Eddie thought he was really starting to understand their meaning now.

"Oh, you didn't have to," Dorothy said right as she opened the door, just like she always did before wheeling to the side and letting them walk in. "Thank you."

Abuela waved her off with a smile, immediately steering for the kitchen. "Make sure Adriana doesn't eat the rug."

Dorothy raised her brows at Eddie and Sophia.

"She has this phase," Eddie explained, grabbing Adriana's arm when she indeed tried to steer for Dorothy's old fashioned, purple rug below the low coffee table. "Adri picks out all the lints and stuffs them in her mouth, it's disgusting."

Adriana blew her cheeks up, stomping her feet. "Nuh-uh."

"Well, I think I have something better for you to chew on," Dorothy promised, immediately sending Eddie to the tips of his toes as she pointed at the cookie jar that was made to look like a shocked cat with paws in front of its mouth, probably a result of a ceramics class if the initials "J.W." were anything to go by.

"Thank you, Dorothy," Eddie said, pressing Adri's hand while he looked down at her. "Say thank you."

"Thank you!" Adriana echoed happily, almost knocking the container over before Sophia saved it from her grabby hands and took it upon herself to give each of them one. Or, well, one for Eddie and Adriana, at least. Eddie had very well seen her take two for herself no matter what lies she spewed.

Most visits to Dorothy's went like this. Eddie and his siblings played in the garden while Abuela cooked and Dorothy chatted with her about some new romance book or the progress of her garden strawberries. They'd eat way too many cookies without complaints, draw pictures that Dorothy each hung up on the fridge - even Adriana's truly horrible squiggly lines - and at the end of the day Abuela would take them back home and tell them that, if their parents asked, they were at her place the entire time.

Because despite Abuela's friendship with Eddie's neighbor, his parents still seemed to dislike her for some reason. And they especially hated the idea of Abuela taking him and his siblings to see her. They never took that line in the bible by face value, though it was the only one Eddie had actually memorized.

It seemed to be the most important one. At least to him and Abuela.

During this visit, however, Eddie found himself in Dorothy's living room, sitting next to her on the couch while Sophia and Adriana "helped" out in the kitchen. Eddie had wanted to keep drawing instead, making the final strokes on his paper when Dorothy leaned over his shoulder.

"You're really good at drawing, Eddie," she said. "Do you want to become an artist?"

Eddie hadn't actually ever entertained that idea. He did like to draw, always doodled on his paper in class or to calm down after a bad school day. But as a career? "I don't know, I never really thought about what I want to be when I grow up."

Dororthy hummed thoughtfully. "You know, Janet really liked to draw too. She sold some paintings right here in El Paso in an art gallery."

"Really?" Eddie perked up, abandoning his pencil to look up at Dorothy with curious eyes. "Was she good?"

"Almost as good as you." Eddie grinned at her. "I think I still have a photograph from her last gallery, it should be...do you see that brown book on the shelf?"

Eddie went to look, indeed seeing it right where Dorothy was pointing to. He got up to get it, falling back into the soft couch next to his neighbor and handing it to her. On the front it read, Love Story.

Dorothy opened it to reveal it as a picture book. "I met Janet through her art, back when you weren't even born yet. At her first art show, actually."

"Is that her?" Eddie asked, pointing at the woman with the twirly, short dress and gloves, a summer hat clutched to her chest as she stood in front of a canvas with squiggly lines just like Adriana's. The picture was a little blurry but he could recognize her face even if it looked much younger. She had the same striking eyes and soft jawline.

"Yes," Dorothy confirmed. "You can't see it in the picture because it's in black and white, but her dress was this beautiful, beautiful color. A deep shade of green matching her eyes. This was also shortly before she got her glasses."

"Did you go up and talk to her?" Eddie asked again, watching impatiently as Dorothy flipped the page to reveal a picture of the two of them in front of the same canvas, seemingly in deep conversation but with matching smiles on their faces.

"My brother urged me to," Dorothy admitted, her wrinkly finger brushing over the glued in picture as if she could re-activate the memory that way. "I was gushing about her all evening and he finally pushed me forward, telling me to just get the girl's name."

She laughed, skipping a few pages before pausing on one. Eddie understood why. He just didn't understand the picture. Not fully, at least.

He tilted his head. "Why are you kissing her?"

It was a beautiful picture, taken in this very house if Eddie was not mistaken - both of them already looking a little more mature in it - with the same furniture in the background, a fresh vase of sunflowers on the table. Dorothy's hair was longer in it, curled and running down her back while Janet looked just the same as she had in the first one.

And they were kissing. Not like the quick pecks Eddie saw his parents share from time to time, because the both of them looked like they were smiling and Eddie's parents rarely were - always something to complain about - but it was a kiss nonetheless.

"She was my wife," Dorothy explained, her voice quiet and eyes still glued to the picture. "Not officially. We weren't allowed to get married, but she still took my name. We lived together, dressed in white for a day. She was my partner, my wife. Right up until she left."

"Did you love her?" Eddie asked.

"I did."

"I didn't know two women could love each other."

Dorothy nodded slowly, taking a deep breath as if she was about to have a difficult conversation, something that Eddie understood even less. "They can. Two men can love each other too. It's called being gay."

Eddie had heard that word before. It wasn't in that context though, he didn't think, because that wouldn't make sense. His father had always looked angry when he explained that someone was gay, so maybe it had a double meaning of some sort.

It's when Eddie noticed that Dorothy was looking at him, waiting, shoulders a little tense. Eddie pointed at the picture again. "She looks like she really loved you too."

Eddie felt bad when Dorothy began to cry, just a single tear trailing down her cheek that she swiped away, and he wanted to apologize at first, ask if he had said something wrong. But then Dorothy smiled and gave him a half-hug before closing the book with a relieved sort of exhale and she said, "You're gonna find someone like this too one day."

Abuela decided that to be the perfect moment to walk out of the kitchen, a simple bowl of pasta in her hands. "She's right. It's all part of the universe, God's plan."

Dorothy shook her head, snorting. "Yeah, no, don't listen to your abuela on that universe bull- nonsense. It's about making choices. Those are the ones that actually lead you somewhere."

His abuela looked displeased to say the least, clicking her tongue as she ordered them to the table, also calling for Sophia and Adriana who had been running around in the garden. "Destiny exists. Even to disbelievers."

"Agree to disagree."

And there was that. Eddie didn't really have time to give his input in the discussion, mainly because he didn't have an opinion on it. But also because Dorothy's cat chose the moment Eddie sat down at the table as a perfect opportunity to jump on his lap.

"Hey, boy," Eddie greeted him. "I just drew a picture of you."

The cat purred in response, settling down while Eddie gave him some chin scratches.

Dorothy watched him with a thoughtful expression. "Maybe you do remind him of Janet. Otherwise I really can't explain why that cat immediately took a liking to you while he played my mortal enemy for years."

Eddie didn't have an explanation for it either. It really was just him. Sure, the cat was friendly enough with Dorothy, but like she had said, that had apparently taken a long while and a lot of bonding and when the black cat first met Eddie's sisters and Abuela he had also kept his distance from them.

Yet the cat still circled around Eddie's feet every time he came over. Maybe his natural scent smelled like cat mint or the cat was just really impressed by Eddie's wizard acting skills when he had first found him. Either way, Eddie wasn't gonna complain. This was the closest he'd ever get to actually owning a cat.

"Destiny," Abuela mused again. "I say that cat chose you for something."

Dorothy raised her brows at her. "Oh really, Isabel? And what may that be? The distribution of treats?"

"Cats have a great intuition about people!"

"Not this cat," Dorothy huffed, unable to keep the smile from tugging at the corners of her lips.

Eddie looked down at his lap, still running his fingers through black fur as the cat suddenly blinked up at him, almost like he was watching. His eyes were analytic, almost human-like for a split second as Eddie whispered, "Do you believe Abuela, Daniel?"

The cat meowed. Who knows, maybe he did pick Eddie for something.

It was Adriana's fault and that's all Eddie had to say about it. Abuela had just set them off at home, barely out of the driveway, when Eddie's mother picked Adriana up into her arms and asked how their day was.

And because a two-year-old really had no grasp of what "do not tell mom and dad" meant, she smiled gummily and told her, "Dorothy gave cookies."

Two pairs of eyes landed on Eddie while Sophia walked backwards and up the stairs. "Eddie."

Both of his sisters were traitors. Terrible traitors.

"We just brought over some groceries," Eddie explained defensively, crossing his arms in front of his chest. "And I don't understand why you don't want us to go over there anyway."

Helena huffed exasperatedly. "Eddie, I told you like a hundred times, that woman just isn't a good influence on you kids! Especially you."

He frowned. "Why?"

"You're already sensible," Helena tried to explain, waving her free arm while she continued holding Adriana in the other as she began tugging at their mother's hair. Something that Helena easily ignored, peeling her fingers off every three seconds. "I know what's best for you, trust me. I am your mother."

How could she say that when she so clearly never had a conversation with Dorothy aside from when she had called Eddie's parents to let them know he was safe and accounted for? It just didn't make sense. "Dorothy is nice. It's not my fault you don't like her!"

Helena raised a threatening finger. "Watch your tone. I am only looking out for you, Eddie, you can't keep hanging out with a stranger even if your abuela clearly set that idea into your head."

"She isn't a stranger!" Eddie raised his voice. "We're all- I am a friend of Dorothy!"

"Do not say that!" His mother's voice came out more pointed and angry than he was used to. It made Eddie take an involuntary step back. "Never say those words in that order again, it doesn't mean what you think it does."

Eddie was tired of all those supposed double meanings. "You don't get to tell me what to do."

"Edmundo Diaz!" His mother yelled after him as Eddie stormed up the stairs. "Your father will have a word with you once he gets home!"

Unfortunately for Eddie, his mother usually kept her promises. It didn't even take two whole songs blasting through Eddie's headphones before there was a knock on his door, which opened not a second later, revealing his father's disappointed scowl. "Your mother said that you yelled at her. In front of your sister too."

Eddie chewed on his lower lip as he watched his father close the door behind them, sitting down next to Eddie with his hands folded. His father stared ahead at the movie posters on Eddie's walls; Spider-Man, Lord of the Rings, that one poster he had stolen from Sophia's girly magazines because it had one of the actors from Lord of the Rings featured in it. The expression on his face was unreadable.

"She started it," Eddie replied.

Ramon sighed. "You have a responsibility, Eddie. You and your mother, you have to be on the same side."

"Why?"

"I know I am at work a lot, but this means that you need to help your mother with your sisters. It's your job as an older brother." Eddie's father put a hand on his shoulder, pressing reassuringly, though the grip hurt a little bit. "You're the man of the house."

Eddie didn't know how to reply to that. He didn't even really know what that meant.

His father continued, "And this also means that you have to think about what's best for your sisters when you make a decision. I don't think you want to inadvertently hurt them, do you?"

Eddie smacked Sophia's arm sometimes or shoved her when she had the audacity to run to the shower first, but he didn't consider that as hurting. "No, I don't."

"Then you need to step up," Ramon said, letting go as he got up. "Protect your sisters."

Before Eddie could ask, "from what?", Ramon had already closed the door on his way out.

It didn't take long for someone else to slip into his room though, bearing candy. Sophia looked at least a little apologetic for leaving Eddie to argue with their parents by himself. "Trade you?"

"Most people just say sorry," Eddie pointed out, picking his favorite flavored bonbon - cherry - out of her hands as soon as she sat down on the floor in front of his bed, legs stretched out to show off fuzzy, princess socks.

"Were they very angry?" Sophia asked, ignoring Eddie's comment entirely.

Eddie shrugged, even if she couldn't see it with her back facing him. "I honestly don't know. Dad was being weird."

"How so?"

Eddie didn't know how to explain it either so he just didn't reply at all, lying down to stare at his ceiling. Silence settled between them, only the regular sound of Sophia's gum popping audible, her hands occupied with Eddie's legos while Eddie continued to fidget with the headphones in his hands.

No, he really didn't know how to explain this to Sophia. She'd probably just insist that she could fend for herself, although...

Maybe that was the one thing that made Eddie hesitate in the first place. He didn't want her to. She shouldn't have to look out for herself, try and find some unspoken danger when Eddie was right there to make sure she didn't get hurt. If this was what it meant to be the man of the house and if his father couldn't do it-

If Eddie was the only one capable of taking care of his sisters, he was gonna do it.

He just wasn't really sure what that job entailed. But he'd figure it out. Eventually.

So, instead, Eddie asked a different question. "Did you know that Dorothy is gay?"

Sophia leaned her head back, looking at Eddie upside down, pink bubblegum popping against her nose. "What's that?"

"She was in love with a woman," Eddie explained. "Janet. They were married. Unofficially. Or something."

"Huh," Sophia said, going back to sticking Legos together.

"Huh," Eddie agreed.

It was quiet for another moment until Sophia added, "It's just love, isn't it?"

"I guess so," Eddie replied. Somehow that conversation got stuck in his head, the picture of Janet and Dorothy, the sunflowers on the table and the artworks. They looked so happy. "Do you think..."

"Think what?"

Eddie picked at the sticker slowly peeling off on his headphones, fingers sticky from the glue. "Do you think you'd know it? I mean, if you're gay."

Sophia stopped building her castle, looking straight ahead as her brows no doubt furrowed in thought, even if Eddie couldn't see it from where he was lying. "You know when you're in love, so. Yeah. Probably."

"Huh," Eddie echoed again. He'd never been in love. "Can you get more candy from downstairs?"

"Sure."

Chapter Text

There were certain topics that came up at work almost every day; kids, school, teenage years, mathematics and the lack thereof and, of course, Buck's most recent interests.

All of them were parents - more or less - so it just made sense. Most conversations revolved around a repeating set of issues and solutions and that was it.

So maybe that's why Eddie was surprised to find that once he clocked in, the conversation wasn't focused on another horror story about the invention of some sort of color and how it killed an entire city's population, but instead…

Instead, Hen told Buck, "It's so great that you're finally single now."

And if that didn't catch Eddie's attention at an alarming speed, he wasn't sure what would. "Don't mind if I tell your wife that you're hitting on Buck."

He accepted the mug of coffee that Buck was already holding out for him - like every morning - before dodging Hen's attempted slap to his arm. Eddie had sisters, thank you very much. He was schooled in the art of tease and tap-out.

"Don't even set a picture like that into my head," Hen replied, visibly shuddering, which Eddie may or may not have felt more offended by than Buck himself. "Not all of us are into himbos."

"Hey," Buck said, adding more sugar to his coffee than what anyone else would consider normal.

He always insisted that he had to look out for his body fat, sticking to a healthy diet that included a massive lack of chocolate or donuts. Two things that Buck was obsessed with. Because of that, anytime Athena brought some over, Buck pretended he didn't want any and kept his distance to not give into temptation.

Although, that didn't stop him from sharing with Eddie when Eddie lied that he couldn't finish the entire pastry by himself. And because, according to Hen, they were indulging each other's nonsense like no one else, Eddie didn't mention it when Buck replied, "if you insist…"

The one exception to Buck's sugar diet, however, was coffee. Eddie had never seen someone drink their coffee so much like it was milk. Partly, because Buck added half a can of almond milk to it.

Five spoons of sugar, regular almond milk at the firehouse and his special almond milk at home, a sprinkle of cinnamon powder-

Buck's hyperactivity was not just to be expected. It was a product of late-diagnosed ADHD, passion and tons of sugar that "did not count".

Eddie adored him.

"Buck," Hen said pointedly. "Look me in the eyes and tell me that I am wrong."

Buck did not look her in the eyes. Instead he leaned back when Eddie rested his arms on the back of Buck's chair, blinking up at Eddie when he slowly sipped on his own coffee.

Somehow it always tasted better when Buck made it.

"You slept well?" Buck asked.

Smooth change of topic. Eddie was good at that too. "Well enough. What were you two talking about that made Hen hit on you anyway?"

"You're insufferable," Hen said.

"They're going clubbing," Chimney replied to his actual question. He just appeared out of nowhere, suddenly standing behind Eddie which almost sent his coffee right onto Buck's head. Almost. Eddie stumbled enough to send it straight to Chim's shoes instead. "Really?"

"Sorry." Eddie winced, crossing the room to get some paper towels before pausing in his step, turning around once more. "Wait, what does that have to do with Buck being single?"

Hen shared a look with Buck. "I can finally take him to a gay club with Karen."

"Couldn't you have done that before?"

"Not without excluding his ex-boyfriend," Hen explained, shrugging. She didn't say his name. In fact, now that Eddie was thinking about it, Hen had rarely said it when they were still dating as well.

There had to be a story there. If not for the lack of addressing Tommy by his name, then definitely because she didn't want to take him clubbing.

And that would be strange in itself; the fact that Hen and Karen regularly went out on dates at clubs or karaoke bars or went to dinner and exciting adventures that Eddie had never even heard of before. Who knew that you could book "genetically modifying food" as an activity for a date?

But it was Karen's love language - quality time - and so it wasn't strange at all. Even if Eddie couldn't remember when the last time was that he went out. It was probably with the 118. With Buck. Which brought him back to the issue at hand.

"You didn't tell me we're going out," Eddie said, staring at Buck.

"Well," Buck said, shifting in his seat. "It's a gay club."

It took Eddie an embarrassingly long moment to realize that, right, he hadn't told any of them. He hadn't even intended to do so and so how were they supposed to know? How could Eddie blame them for quietly watching him with confused frowns?

Still, he couldn't help but feel…weird. Maybe that was the right word for it. Left out. He wanted to hang out with them too, down a shot with Karen, watch Buck make a fool out of himself on the stage while singing a cheesy pop song. And it wasn't about the kind of club, not really, because Eddie wasn't even sure if he could go in there without panicking and bolting.

It wasn't just about clubbing or watching Buck's keychain swing back and forth with his duffle while he walked, smiling from afar when little girls looked at Hen whenever they answered a call, with excitement in their eyes once she mentioned her wife.

Eddie felt left out and it was his own fault.

He had words to say that sounded too foreign coming out of his own mouth, so he didn't let them come out at all. At least not outside the privacy of being alone and it made sense to Eddie, suddenly, why people stayed inside. If it was the only place where you could be true to yourself, why would you submit yourself to feeling like this?

"Right," Eddie said, trying for a smile. "Have fun."

Buck was still staring at him, eyes analyzing and no doubt seeing behind the crack in his mask. Eddie didn't want him to.

He looked away.

"Don't worry, Eddie, they also didn't invite me," Chim said sympathetically, patting Eddie's shoulder. "It's the curse of being straight."

"Right," Eddie replied, ignoring the strain in his own voice.

The gay club conversation didn't vanish for the entire rest of their shift. They helped an old lady who had fallen down and Buck asked Hen to coordinate an outfit with him, they checked out victims in a minor car crash and Hen listed off the cocktails Buck had to try according to Karen.

Buck agreed that he'd pay for the drinks while Hen chimned in for the Uber and Chim asked them to document everything so that Maddie wouldn't keep asking him about it.

The worst part, undoubtedly, were the comments though. Because Eddie was sure that if he'd hear Hen say "maybe you'll find a new boyfriend or girlfriend" one more time while Buck blushed, he was gonna throw something.

Eddie should be happy for Buck. He really should be. He was his best friend after all and seeing him in love should raise nothing but pride in Eddie's chest.

He should be glad despite his feelings. Instead, Eddie resented the mere idea because of them. And Eddie hated himself a little bit for it.

"You're awfully quiet," Buck's voice cut through Eddie's thoughts.

He startled, caught, as he watched Buck lean forward in his seat in the engine, the tips of their shoes touching.

They were on their last call for the day, something that Eddie knew for sure because they were just about to get up and make their way towards their cars while B-Shift was still trailing in when the bell rang again and sent them back to the firetruck.

A prank gone wrong, according to Josh. Eddie understood the sentiment. Screw you, running late tendency of B-shift.

"Am I?" Eddie asked back, smiling casually.

He could see Buck's fingers twitch, like he was contemplating for a moment, before he reached out and took Eddie's hand in his, turning his palm around to press two fingers to his pulse point.

Eddie tried not to stop breathing, but it was a little difficult when Buck watched him so intensely, touch gentle and gaze even more so. "What are you doing?"

"Making sure you're alright," Buck explained, mouth moving quietly as he counted. "Your pulse is a little quick."

"Adrenaline," Eddie lied.

Buck didn't drop his hand. "Maybe you should sit this one out."

Eddie almost said it. He could already feel the words forming on his tongue, "what, just like sitting out the club?"

But he didn't. Eddie didn't say it because Buck didn't deserve to hear it, because it was Eddie's fault and Eddie's fault only and because Buck was already too forgiving.

Because Eddie wouldn't forgive himself.

So instead he swallowed the words and pulled his hand away, trying not to mourn the touch or question the confused expression on Buck's face. "I'm fine."

"If you're coming down with something-" Buck started and Eddie already knew the end to that sentence.

If you're coming down with something, I'll skip out on tonight and take care of you.

It's the kind of person Buck was. The kind that Eddie wished he could be too, instead of feeling incredibly guilty for actually considering it for a moment; telling Buck to stay with him, to not have fun with their other friends.

They came to a stop before Buck could finish the words, everyone grabbing their gear and pulling the headsets off. "I am fine, Buck, really."

The person that certainly wasn't fine was the guy whose face got glued to a kitchen counter. Eddie recognized him immediately. "Again?"

Buck nudged his shoulder gently, leaning close to whisper, "Some people never learn."

"You'd think that dying twice because of your friends is enough to reconsider said friendship."

Two hours and a lot of debris and glue later, Eddie got home with a headache and the need to take a long, hot shower.

He hadn't forgotten about Buck's plans - which sounded so wrong in and of itself because they were always Buck and Eddie's plans - per se. However, Eddie hadn't actively recalled it either when he opened his phone as soon as he went to bed and saw a new notification pop up on the screen alongside a bunch of others from before.

@Buck_3.0_LA: new story (3min ago)

Eddie shouldn't have opened it.

It started out casually enough, a picture of Buck standing in front of his mirror with that blue shirt that really highlighted his eyes, jeans a little tighter than usual too, which definitely did not make Eddie's thumb press down on the picture for an embarrassingly long time so he could keep looking. Definitely not.

There was a quick video of Hen, Karen and Buck in the Uber, making funny faces which was honestly too adorable for Eddie to even feel bad about, a few pictures outside the bar - Purple Cowgirls - and some from an hour or so ago with their drinks.

He suspected the pink one in Buck's hand was the glitter puppy that Hen had mentioned during the call with the woman stepping on/into her microwave. It did look glittery.

Eddie tapped his screen.

Ah. Yes.

They were getting progressively drunker.

"Christ," Eddie said out loud, then immediately covered his mouth because if there was one thing he did not want the Lord to witness, it was every trace of blood in Eddie's body directing into his dick. Why was Buck shirtless? Better question, where did he get that cowboy hat from? Who took that picture?

Eddie took a deep breath as he pulled up Karen's account.

@Woman_In_Stem2010: (10min ago)

There it was again, the same picture but from a different angle. Buck was laughing at something, holding up his drink - a different one now - with a bare chest that was either decked in sweat or glitter, Eddie couldn't tell in the lightning. The flashing, colorful disco lights in the room were captured in a perfect pink and blue hue right as the picture was taken, really making Buck's jaw and hair ends turn him into a real life bisexual flag and it just-

It wasn't just the muscles or the curls damp with sweat, the broad arms or the general Adonis that was Buck. No, it was Buck looking so happy. He looked carefree, completely loose and sure the alcohol might play a factor in that but the last time that Eddie had seen Buck like this was when he had one arm around him, one leg swung over his thigh while Buck leaned in and grinned and they sung and giggled and-

When they were together.

And then Eddie saw the next story and Buck was dancing with a guy. A guy that wasn't Eddie, who had muscles too and who touched Buck's shoulder and who looked like nothing compared to Buck, so why was he dancing with him?

Eddie was so close to asking Karen, just send her a quick direct message, express valid concern about stranger danger and be a caring best friend. But then she posted a picture of her kissing her wife, captioned it grateful x, and Eddie couldn't just ruin her night, right?

There was only one logical solution.

"Eddie?" Bobby asked as he opened the door right in time for midnight to strike as he checked his watch, looking both tired and confused and like maybe he was hallucinating just a little. "What on Earth are you doing in front of my house?"

One of them had just watched their best friend grind-dance with a guy and it was not Bobby, so Eddie felt like he had every right to be just a little urgent. "May's still staying with you over the semester break, right?"

"She is, but I am pretty sure she's asleep."

Eddie crossed his arms. "She just sent me a link asking for my thoughts on Christmas decorations."

"It's not even-" Bobby started, cutting himself off while he pinged the bridge of his nose. "Eddie, we're friends. I like you. Now, why are you here?"

"Expertise," Eddie explained quickly, stepping inside to find May already leaning against the wall with her brow raised. She did not look nearly as surprised to see him as Eddie had imagined. Somehow that made it even more embarrassing - that he was seeking advice from a 21-year-old in the middle of the night - but after taking two hot chocolates to her room and sinking into her bean sack, Eddie figured he had lost all of his dignity already anyway.

Besides, May was the only person he knew that was actually able to trace people's social media in mere minutes and Eddie needed a much necessary background check on slightly-below-average guy. Once he had that name, he'd of course go downstairs to ask for Athena's police background check, although he suspected Athena wouldn't welcome it if he woke her up because of a queer crisis.

For Buck. Eddie wasn't in a crisis. Not at all.

"You're having a crisis," May said.

"I am having a crisis," Eddie agreed.

They both sipped on their hot chocolate. It reminded Eddie a lot of his time at dispatch, chatting with May in the breakroom while they waited for the coffee machine to spit out two black drinks before they exchanged milk and sugar back and forth; never adding as much as Buck did that one time he visited them.

May would talk about her work enemy, Eddie would ask what "cringe" meant because the comments on the LAFD twitter account were a mess, both of them would smile fondly when the conversation shifted to Buck...

Those used to be good times. Eddie liked May and May was like Buck's unofficial second sister through a complicated series of events and so that put her in his good graces even more. She knew and cared about Buck, was competent, willing to indulge Eddie's gut feeling and, most importantly, Eddie trusted her. To say it differently, Eddie had no idea who else to go to about this if not her.

"Buck, Hen and Karen are clubbing right now," Eddie explained, pulling his phone out to hand it to her. "And there is this guy."

May looked intrigued, watching the stories with a much less lingering gaze than Eddie. "I see. Do we know this guy?"

"No, that's the thing," Eddie explained, trying to sit up straighter but instead only sinking deeper into the bean sack. "No one even tagged him! That means they don't know who that man is and do you see how close he is to Buck? Especially in story 17, go back to that one, right around the three second mark he puts his hand on his waist. Stealing his wallet? His ID? Eventually his identity? It happened before!"

May squinted at the screen, trying to see it. Honestly, it was a little difficult. Eddie had only noticed it after his sixth watch, a brief moment where that guy's hands trailed too far down, that was for sure. But it was there nonetheless, so Eddie waited expectantly.

"They are...dancing?" May suggested with a shrug.

Eddie threw his head back. "What if he put something in his drink? What if he, I don't know, what if he kidnaps Buck?"

"Eddie, didn't you say Hen and Karen are there with him? Aren't they the ones literally documenting this entire thing?" May asked optimistically as she was.

However, Eddie was a realist, okay? "Are you gonna help me find the guy's social media, or not?"

May sighed. "Hold my mug."

It took, despite only having a few blurry videos and screenshots, exactly nine minutes before May turned her phone around for Eddie to see, revealing the instagram of the guy that Eddie had been holding a grudge against for the better half of two hours.

And he was...not looking like a bad guy. Fuck, there was actually a picture of him and his three dogs, all of them rescued and he had multiple posts just directing people to links with petitions and donations for cancer patients.

According to his biography he was 33, enjoyed good food, worked as an EMT and, worst of all, was single. His story told a similar order of events, going to the club with friends, getting drunk, dancing, before it ended.

Eddie was a fool. A fool and an idiot and May was staring at him with something that could only be described as pity as Eddie handed the phone back. "How high are the chances that they are going to have sex?"

May pulled a face. "I don't even wanna think about that."

"Yeah," Eddie mumbled. "Me neither."

Quietness settled between them for a long moment until May stood up abruptly, storming out of the room as if she was on a mission and before Eddie could even call after her and ask what she was doing, some sort of plastic packaging landed right in his lap. "Is that a face mask?"

"You're damn right it is."

It's how they ended up quietly listening to some Indie bands while perched on May's floor as Eddie (badly) painted her nails and May insisted that it didn't look that horrible (it did. Eddie painted more of her skin than the actual nail), making conversation about what Eddie only knew from his sisters as "boy talk".

Or, "girl talk", considering May was the one currently ranting to Eddie while he nodded along, invested in the drama of college girls. "So I decide to stay behind while the others go to Brad T's party, right? Guess who suddenly knocks on my door?"

"Brad T?" Eddie guessed, narrowing his eyes at May's mint colored pinky.

"Worse," May said. "His girlfriend. But it gets crazier."

"Crazier than setting pictures of professors on fire and eating them, burning his tongue and then downing ice cubes and getting them stuck in his throat until someone does the Heimlich?" Eddie asked, having paid attention to May's section about why she did not want to go to Brad T's party.

"Remember, his girlfriend was the one who did the heimlich! But what does that asshole do? Kat brings a bunch of alcohol just to enter his dorm and see him make out with Brittany!"

Eddie actually gasped out loud. "No."

"Yes," May said, nodding as she inspected her nails with a smile. "Then Kat went to my dorm because I was the only one she knew who wasn't going to that jerk's party. We had our own party, got my portable music box out and two glasses and we killed Kat's prosecco."

"That sounds really sweet."

It took Eddie a second to realize why May's mouth snapped shut at that, cheeks growing red. A moment too long. But when it did click... "May Grant!"

She smiled innocently. "Do you know how rarely you get a dorm room all to yourself?"

"Are you dating now?" Eddie didn't know why that was the first question he asked. Maybe it was the fact that he himself was never quite able to do the whole casual thing, or maybe it was still the Catholic in him. Either way, May's cheeky grin told him all he needed to know. "Congratulations."

"Thanks," May said, blowing her fingers. She paused for a moment, an emotion crossing her face so quickly that Eddie couldn't read it, but when she looked up again he had a good idea of what it may be.

"I won't tell Athena or Bobby," he promised. "Or Buck."

"Buck knows," May replied, shrugging. "He was actually the first and only person I came out to from this side of my life, so be honored, Eddie Diaz."

Despite her teasing tone, Eddie actually was. He knew first hand now how paralyzing it actually was to admit something like this. "Buck's the best person to talk to, I get it. He's attentive, gives good advice..."

May's smile was a little too knowing for his liking. "Your turn."

"My turn?" Eddie asked, straightening his back.

Instead of saying what he thought she would, May only grabbed his hand and turned it around. "What color do you want? For your nails?"

Oh. Right.

"I've never worn nail polish." That was a lie. Adriana once painted his nails when she was six and once Eddie's dad found out, he yelled at him until he rubbed the color off with alcohol. They'd been pink.

May, however, only hummed, digging through her nail polish collection until she seemed satisfied, pulling out a dark blue. "I put that one on Buck once, but I think it will suit you too."

"I...uh," Eddie stumbled over his words, staring at his own fingernails. His father wasn't here right now and Eddie was an adult but it still...he wasn't sure if he was allowed. If he could.

May must've seen his reluctance, smiling patiently. "I can take it off once you leave. It's just about the painting itself."

"Alright."

It was a trap. One that Eddie should have seen coming, because as soon as May drew the first line on his nail, she asked, "So, how's your dating life going?"

And Eddie knew, technically, that he could easily dodge that question. She had asked it that way exactly because of that, letting Eddie steer the direction of this conversation and yet-

Yet, Eddie felt more relaxed than he had for the entirety of the day, maybe week. Getting his nails painted really was soothing, his face still smelled like mint and aloe vera from the face mask, making his cheeks all soft, and May had just trusted Eddie with something that - to him - was bigger than the whole sky.

It, again, reminded him of their time at the call center, exchanging secrets, May's work enemy for Eddie's own (a guy from B-shift that kept leaving everything in chaos) or celebrity crush for celebrity crush. Missing his sisters didn't feel quite so lonely with May there and maybe that was what it really came down to; May reminded Eddie of his sisters, specifically Sophia.

So, instead of waving the question off like he normally would, Eddie watched May paint his ring finger and replied, "The guy I'm in love with is dancing with some stranger who adopts abandoned puppies and it's driving me insane."

He was holding his breath. Eddie knew he was holding his breath, but he had to add this second part or he never would. "I'm queer. I think I'm- I don't know what I am but...I like guys. I'm queer."

May stopped painting his nails just to look up at him and...smile. A smile that was nothing but fondness personified. "If you'd told me that sooner, I'd given you a rainbow pattern."

Eddie exhaled, shoulders dropping where he hadn't even realized they'd been tense. "Sorry, I have terrible timing."

"No." May shook her head, patting the back of his hand. "There's no wrong timing with this. I'm proud of you. Thank you for telling me."

"You're, uh, the first person," Eddie admitted. "I mean, I told this priest and this lady at the bookstore and that one kid but- you know."

"Since when have you known?"

"Honestly? I've never really let myself, but...I realized a few weeks ago," Eddie explained, ignoring how weird it felt to actually talk about it instead of just having this conversation in his head. He really didn't expect May to be the first person he'd tell, but looking at her now, attentively listening to him talk and nodding reassuringly, he was glad it was her. Plus, he knew she could keep a secret. Which just reminded him- "You can't tell anyone. Especially Buck."

"I won't, I promise," she replied, holding up her hand and declaring scout's honor. "Even if you're contradicting yourself."

Eddie leaned back. "Contradicting? How so?"

"You said it yourself, this is the kind of thing you'd go to Buck for."

"I think you missed the part where I said that I am in love with him," Eddie reminded her.

Instead of replying, "oh right", though, May only rolled her eyes at him.

"You don't need to tell him that you're into him. Your sexuality isn't about some guy, Eddie. Even if that guy is Buck." She sunk the brush back into the nail polish before screwing it shut, staring right at Eddie. "This is about you."

Eddie thought of goofy group pictures in front of a club, keychains swinging attached to duffles, of dates and break-ups and of, "this doesn't change a thing between us."

He thought of a house in El Paso and picture books.

Sunflowers in a vase.

"Yeah," Eddie said. "I think you're right."

Chapter Text

The key to Buck's apartment was marked with a dot of red paint. Of course Eddie knew it by feel regardless, without having to look into his hand when he fished for the keychain, the sound of metal clanking together whenever he moved.

Buck's key was round at the top, more smooth too, while the one to Eddie's house already had a bump in its metal from that one time Christopher had found it and used it as a guitar for one of his Lego people. A guitar that was repeatedly smashed into the floor because "that's what rock stars do".

It was still working though. That's what mattered.

But even without those differences, Eddie was pretty sure he could tell which key was Buck's. It felt lighter in his hand, the texture just significant enough that Eddie was sure he could draw the pattern blind.

But maybe that was also due to how often he ran his thumb across the blade, absentminded or not. It had a calming effect, reminding Eddie of trust.

Buck had given Eddie a key to his place a few months after getting to know him and Eddie had done the same in return. The key with the red dot in his hand was a manifestation of them. A promise to have each other's backs.

Which is exactly why Eddie threw the blankets back that Buck was desperately clawing onto, holding them over his face while groaning, "Too bright."

"I know," Eddie replied, trying not to laugh at Buck's grumpy hangover state. It was such a contrast to his usual over-eager enthusiasm; hearing Buck mumble insults that didn't land because even with a clouded mind they were kid friendly.

At least Eddie didn't know what a "butt biter" was supposed to be. Or a "rude narwhal".

Although, it served him right. Normally, Buck was the one who woke Eddie at the crack of dawn because since he was an early bird, logically Eddie had to suffer too. Or, in Buck's words that Eddie repeated back to him now, "You have to seize the day, Buck!"

"I'll seize your ass," Buck grumbled, voice muffled through the thick blanket. Eddie grabbed his legs. "Don't you dare- Eddie!"

Three seconds later, the blanket and Buck were swung over Eddie's shoulder. "Breakfast?"

"I hate you."

"Your hangover smoothie is already waiting in the kitchen," Eddie replied, setting Buck back down only because carrying him down the stairs was an accident waiting to happen and Eddie was not about to hear B-shift's jokes, thanks.

Buck stared back at him with narrow eyes and the world's worst bedhead. There was dried drool sticking to his chin, glitter in all the places Eddie supposed Buck had not managed to clean up when he got home yesterday and he was still wearing the shirt from the day before - with a stain at the collar and without the pants to accompany it.

There were two buttons missing, which was honestly a crime, because Eddie did not want Buck to throw that shirt away.

His breath smelled like a liquor store, his stubble was pointed and, overall, there was no doubt about where Buck had been last night.

He looked beautiful.

"I didn't drink that much," Buck defended weakly, then, as if Eddie knew the answer, added, "Did I?"

"You managed to get home." Eddie shrugged. "That's a plus."

"My head is killing me."

"I know."

"Partying in your 30s is not as fun as doing it in your 20s."

"I know."

"Eddie," Buck said, looking serious all of a sudden. Or as serious as one could while still squinting at the lights.

Before Eddie could do more than to hum though, mouth still open in a reply, Buck tackled him. It's the only way Eddie could possibly describe it.

Buck slung his arms around his waist, turned on his heels, and tackled them both back onto the bed. Eddie yelped in surprise, swearing as his ankle hit the frame and flaying his arms like a bird for all of two milliseconds before he landed back-first with Buck on top of him.

Not in a sexy, he's straddling me, kind of way, but in a Buck-I-Can't-Breathe way. Which, also, wasn't all that sexy.

Buck was a pancake of muscles and body fat, covering Eddie from chest to toes, and if his content sigh was any indication, Buck very much intended to trap him right here if only so Eddie couldn't drag him outside.

Which Eddie should have seen coming. "Buck."

Buck rested his head on Eddie's chest. "Breakfast later. Cuddling first."

Okay, maybe he was still a little drunk. A sober Buck was touchy, that was just common sense. But a drunk Buck? A drunk Buck was the personification of clinginess mixed with the stickiness of honey and glue combined.

And Eddie would lie if he said he hated it. So, instead, he gently pushed Buck a little to the side so he wasn't crushed to death, but didn't say anything when Buck barely moved his head or swung his arm around Eddie. He didn't even mention it when Buck snuggled closer or linked their legs together.

Because despite initial surprise-

Eddie really did feel comfortable. It was that same weight that he had missed the last time he slept over, with an additional bonus of feeling more at ease with his own state of mind.

"Five minutes," Eddie agreed finally, brushing a curl out of Buck's face when he noticed his nose scrunch from the tickling sensation, unwilling to let go to push it back himself. There was still some product left in it, though the curls had freed themselves overnight. Eddie could feel the slightly sticky consistency.

Still, he found himself lingering there for a moment too long, running the tips of his fingers through Buck's hair. It wasn't really a conscious decision, not like a planned action, but Eddie still felt himself smile when Buck hummed appreciatively in response, pushing his head further into Eddie's palm.

"Sorry for the drunk DM I sent you last night," Buck mumbled.

And, okay, that certainly caught Eddie's attention because if there was one thing he was absolutely sure of it was, "You did not send me a DM."

Because Eddie would know. He'd been on his phone for the entire time Buck was gone, prying over and refreshing Instagram like a maniac even after he got back home with two new skincare routine tips, a recommendation for a movie and the agreement that if May got the porcelain snowman for her dorm, Eddie would need to adopt the reindeer that came with the two-for-one deal.

If Buck had sent him a DM, Eddie would have seen it.

Buck slowly raised his head, looking around for his phone and eventually finding it on the nightstand. He reached for it, arm for once too short, directing pleading eyes towards Eddie.

Eddie rolled his eyes as he handed it over.

It took approximately three swipes and five clicks for Buck's eyes to widen and cheeks to turn a concerning shade of red. "Oh no."

"What is it? Who did you send the message to?" Eddie asked, trying to take the phone back from Buck's sudden death-grip.

He buried it protectively under his chest, or, well, between both of their chests considering the position they were currently in. "Hen."

"Wasn't she with you the entire time?"

"Not at the end, no," Buck recalled, seeming very focused on remembering the events from the night prior. "She and Karen left early for reasons they did a terrible job at concealing. Oh, I already know she's gonna be insufferable about this."

This, reasonably, only fueled Eddie's curiosity. "What message did you mean to send me?"

Eddie didn't think Buck could turn any redder. He was proven wrong.

"It's not important," Buck said, looking down. "Oh, hey, Ryan followed me back."

Eddie did not mean to have a reaction to this. He didn't! But he was also not the best at controlling his facial expressions, especially when Buck said his name like that. Like he was actually happy about it, like the 33 year old guy who rescued puppies and did social work was worth acknowledging.

What name even was that? Who named their son Ryan?

Eddie was great at playing it cool. "Is that the guy you danced with? I think I saw him in a few of your stories." (He was. That name was included in his Instagram handle when Eddie and May had checked it last night.)

"Yeah, he's super cool," Buck replied, shaking his head fondly before chuckling as if recalling a memory that Eddie wasn't included in. "He brought out this like, I don't even know what to call it, this ridiculous dance move! And he works with stray dogs on the weekends when he isn't on shift- oh, I didn't even mention this, he's an EMT, isn't that funny? Small world."

Because Eddie was, in fact, a grown-up he had a totally mature, adult reaction to this. "Try-hard."

"What was that?"

"Sounds like a nice guy," Eddie replied, lying through his teeth. "A nice guy that definitely wanted to take you home, by the way."

"Yeah," Buck agreed easily.

And that- well. It certainly caught Eddie a little off-guard. Because, sure, Eddie knew that Buck got around quite a lot before he started at the 118 - before he met Abby and before Maddie came back - and he was aware that Buck could tell when someone was flirting with him.

However, Eddie had never seen Buck do anything about it. At least not ever since he broke up with Tommy and maybe it was Eddie's mistake to just assume that Buck wouldn't notice if a guy was flirting with him versus a girl but...he had assumed. Selfishly, perhaps. "Did you- I mean, before you went home-"

Eddie wasn't sure if he wanted to know. But he needed to. Whether for his own sanity or to torture himself, was yet to be determined.

"I was thinking about it," Buck admitted casually, shrugging his shoulders, "but he wasn't really what I was looking for, so when he asked me, I turned him down. He was cool about it."

"Oh." Well, Ryan just got himself one plus point on Eddie's list. Opposite to the previous twenty strikes on the other side, of course. "What were you looking for?"

Buck looked back at him for a moment, quiet, his tongue peaking out to wet his lips for just a second until he seemed to shake out of whatever train of thought he must've been on. "Fun, I guess? Just hanging out with my friends."

"Right," Eddie agreed, continuing to twirl some curls between his fingers where he hadn't realized he had stopped. Buck closed his eyes instantly, a smile tugging at the corners of his lips in contentment. He was adorable. Way too adorable. And Eddie felt just a tiny twinge of, screw you, Ryan, you'll never see this face, before he added, "You looked like you had fun."

"It was definitely an experience," Buck replied, yawning sleepily as he rested his cheek back on Eddie's chest. "Would've been more fun if I hadn't been a third wheel. Maybe I'll convince Josh to accompany me next time."

Two things.

1) Next time
2) Josh

Not Eddie. Again.

He couldn't keep it together for any longer. "I could come with you."

Buck didn't budge from his position, eyes closed and breathing steady like he was about to nod off any moment now. "Yeah, that would be nice."

Eddie rolled his eyes fondly as he pushed Buck's hair back, revealing Buck's features indeed relaxed, mouth slightly agape as the warm puffs of air seeped through Eddie's shirt.

"I should have been clearer," Eddie mumbled to no one but himself, leaning forward to press a self-indulgent kiss to the top of Buck's head before he could overthink it. "I like guys too."

When Buck's head shot up, it nearly took Eddie's chin with it.

"I think I need that hangover smoothie now."

One of the most unfortunate things about Buck was that he had an allergy to nothing at all. Except for painkillers. Naproxen, to be precise, though that included pretty much all painkillers.

The guy that spent his entire life taking care of everyone else's pain. Allergic to painkillers.

In Eddie's opinion, that was some damn evil dramatic irony and if he believed that it was anything but a coincidence of life, he'd surely try to find the outer force responsible for it just to punch it in the face.

But as it was, all Eddie could do was watch as Buck pulled a face at the mixture of ingredients in the smoothie - that Eddie rather not repeat - as he swallowed.

"So," Buck said, carefully.

"So," Eddie repeated, firmly.

He crossed his hands on the table, unsure whether it was more casual to lean back or forwards, which resulted in him being stuck in a weird mix of both. Before Eddie could overthink it though - question if, even while Buck was bi, he'd have a problem with Eddie coming out because this meant they were two queer guys - he was reminded that this was Buck.

Buck, who could never hold a definitive grudge, who always tipped the waiter, who volunteered to watch Christopher whenever Eddie couldn't-

Buck, who Eddie was in love with for good reasons.

And this Buck broke out into a smile despite the hammering headache and nausea from his hangover. "Did you really just come out to me?"

"To be fair, I thought you were sleeping," Eddie admitted weakly.

Buck didn't look hurt, not really. That wasn't the kind of face he made when something affected him a little too deeply. But it was a different kind of expression; one that Eddie couldn't pinpoint exactly.

Confusion mixed with something else.

"Did you not want me to know?" It was a cautious question, carefully phrased and suddenly Eddie understood that unfamiliar look.

He'd never seen it on Buck, but oh, was he used to seeing it in the reflection of his own mirror. It was guilt.

So maybe his voice got a little desperate in response, what about it? This wasn't an emotion that should ever cross Buck's face, especially in response to whatever Eddie did or said. "I did! Just-"

"Just?"

Eddie inhaled sharply. "I don't really…I don't have a word for it. Not yet."

"Do you want one?" Buck asked patiently.

The thought of tiny boxes crossed Eddie's mind, confessions and blame and forgiveness. Of Google searches that went nowhere. "I don't know. Is that weird?"

Buck pushed his empty drink forward with a soft smile. "No, of course not."

Eddie could hear the echo of his own words in it.

"This doesn't change a thing between us, remember?"

He did. He remembered the words. It was the ones Eddie wished he could take back, even as he mirrored Buck's smile. "Yeah."

"Although, you really should have told me yesterday," Buck complained. "Do you have any idea what it's like to watch your friends be all smitten and in love, constantly over each other? I would have appreciated the backup, Eddie!"

Eddie couldn't help it. He burst out laughing.

May was right. Why had Eddie worried in the first place? Buck was…

He made Eddie feel okay. That's what it came down too. He made Eddie feel normal, like for the first time, he could take all of this - his feelings - into his hands and not feel like he'd betrayed everyone he knew for acknowledging their existence.

"Oh, I do know," Eddie said.

"Double that knowledge and add innuendos and pda." Buck shuddered, the fond smile on his face betraying him. "Gay people are awful."

"So awful." They grinned at each other. "Now, will you please take a shower? You smell horrible."

"Flattering," Buck replied, kicking Eddie's feet before he made a bee-line for the bathroom, throwing a last glance back over his shoulder. "Don't try to make breakfast."

"Does the blueberry yogurt from the farmer's market count?" Eddie asked innocently, watching Buck's eyes widen with immediate regret. "Because in that case, l'll just take it back home-"

"Don't test me, Diaz!" He threw his shirt in Eddie's face, which did not make Eddie flush in the slightest, before pointing a finger towards the cupboards. "Don't use the expired honey."

The shower turned on approximately a minute after Buck shut the bathroom door and Eddie took out two bowls - the ones Eddie had bought after he realized Buck didn't have his own, because he was "eating breakfast at your place most of the time anyway" - before filling them with some fruits, nuts and that yogurt that Buck was comically obsessed with (it really was good, he had to admit that).

Which is exactly how Eddie found himself sitting at Buck's table in silence for long enough to hype himself up to click the call button.

It rang five times before his favorite face appeared on the screen.

"Dad?"

"Hey, buddy," Eddie greeted him, unable to fight a smile at his clearly tousled hair. It was Saturday. Christopher had developed a tendency to sleep in on the weekends once he got older, even though as a child he always used to be the one to wake Eddie at 6am on the dot. Something that may or may not have been affected by Buck. "Just wanted to check in."

"It's not Monday," Chris pointed out, voice a lot more careful and less judgemental than it had been some weeks ago.

Eddie took it as a win. "I know, I hope that's okay."

His son was quiet for a moment, looking thoughtful before he shrugged. "I guess."

"I am at Buck's right now, and you won't believe it but they had that blueberry yogurt from the farmer's market back in store," Eddie explained, remembering how crushed both him and Buck had been when they went there last time - before things got bad - and the lady selling all those flavors told them she'd stopped making them all year around, sticking to the end of the year because that's when customers usually bought them. Summer nostalgia or something.

It hadn't made much sense then and it still didn't now. Eddie was pretty sure the ingredients had just gotten too expensive and other fruit yogurts sold better.

Not anymore though. Because Eddie had secured three containers.

And it did the trick. "Really?"

"Yeah, see," Eddie said, tilting his camera and, because of course, losing his grip on his phone just in time for it to land right in the yogurt. "Oh come on-"

Chris was laughing. It was short and quiet but he heard it clearly, maybe for the first time in months. It was an honest, real laugh and Eddie wasn't sure if he should cry or jump in joy.

He opted for the third option; fishing his phone back out and grabbing the box of napkins on the table. "Just wanted you to be able to taste it through the screen."

"Sure," Chris replied, shaking his head. "Why did you really call?"

He didn't want to go back to being overbearing. Or annoying, if he went with the words of the belly-button-piercing teenager.

It hadn't worked in his favor so far. Every time Eddie tried to figure out how Chris was feeling, who his new friends were, what he was doing-

It all only led to him closing himself off more and Eddie wanted him back home. He wanted to hear that laugh not through a screen but in real life.

"I missed you," Eddie replied, omitting the bit about always missing him, every day, every second, the way it felt like someone had ripped the largest part of his heart right out of his chest and left just enough for him to keep breathing, but barely. "And I was thinking of you."

Christopher opened his mouth and for a second Eddie thought that he might say it back. That maybe he'd reply, "I missed you too."

Instead, Eddie heard the sound of a door opening - not the one to Buck's bathroom - and a voice that was certainly not his son's. "Christopher, you know the rules. Breakfast first, chatting with your friends later."

Eddie grimaced. "Hi, mom."

Helena's face got into the camera's view, a frown melting into a forced smile that Eddie could distinguish like day and night after growing up in her house. "Eddie. It's not Monday."

It was one thing when Chris said it. His mother didn't have the right. "I know."

"Did something happen at work? Why are you calling?"

"Nothing happened," Eddie said, swallowing the urge to justify his want to call his son.

"Christopher, honey, can you give me the phone?" Helena asked and Eddie almost regretted calling in the first place. Almost. He did make Chris laugh. That was all that mattered, even if he had to endure his mother's attempts at small talk that almost always ended in Eddie wanting to hit something. "Go join Abuelo in the kitchen."

"Alright," Chris replied, doing as she said. Unfortunately. Eddie should not have raised him that well.

"Did you redecorate?" Helena asked immediately as soon as Chris was out of the room, trying to pry over his shoulder.

Eddie held the phone closer to his face. "I'm not home right now."

"Then why did you call?"

"I just wanted to talk to my son," Eddie replied, trying not to sound bitter. "He seems to be starting to warm back up. Maybe he'll be ready to come home soon."

Helena dodged the topic with the same ease she's possessed ever since Eddie was a kid. "You shaved."

"I did." Eddie tried not to sigh. "A few days ago."

He was sure his mother said something in response. In fact, he could hear her voice clearly. It's just that Eddie couldn't make out any of the words.

Not because there was a problem with the connection, not because she was talking too quietly and not because Eddie had damaged his phone with yogurt for the unforeseeable future.

No, it's because Buck decided that this was the perfect moment to come out of the bathroom, hair dripping wet, chest bare and nothing but a towel thrown around his waist as he stretched his arms over his head and yawned on the way out the door.

"I forgot to grab boxer shorts."

Eddie's mouth was hanging wide open. A fact he was only aware of because his own mother pointed it out to him in an alarmed manner.

Manner in question being, snapping her fingers in front of the camera at an increasingly aggressive speed. "Eddie? Are you frozen?"

It would be the perfect excuse to hang up on his mother, just go along with it. The only problem with that plan, however, was that as soon as Buck realized Eddie was talking to someone, he wanted to say hi.

Because he was a dork and sweet and also too damn unaware of what he looked like right now.

So, instead of Eddie, Helena Diaz froze all the way over in El Paso. "Hello, Mrs. Diaz."

And Eddie had no idea how to properly explain this. "We were just about to go to work."

"I see," his mother replied and Eddie tried to ignore the anger sizzling in his veins at her pure ignorance of Buck's hello.

It wasn't anything new. That was how it usually went. Even when Chris left, and the day before that too, his parents did their absolute best to talk to Buck as little as possible.

Part of Eddie had thought it was because they only cared about Chris; about his well-being and life. Although, the part of Eddie that knew better was aware that this wasn't true.

Buck was a huge factor in Christopher's life and ignoring him was like ignoring half the sentences that Chris said out loud. Still, his parents managed it somehow. They managed it because Buck was a mystery that they did not intend to touch with a ten-feet-pole, unwilling to find what Eddie assumed they might already suspect.

The reason why Buck was always there.

Even if it wasn't true.

"I'm gonna…" Buck trailed off, pointing up towards his loft and Eddie nodded. "Tell Chris I said hi."

His mother wasn't gonna do that. They both knew it. Eddie still smiled at the sentiment.

"We better go get ready now," Eddie explained before his mother could throw the knife his way that he knew was coming. "Shift starts in an hour."

"Okay," Helena replied, broken out of her trance with a nod. "Let me know when you want to call next time."

His son. This was his son.

Eddie gritted his teeth. "Bye, mom."

"Goodbye, Edmundo."

No 'stay safe'.

Chapter Text

When Eddie was eleven he realized that, sometimes, people just suck. There was no bigger revelation to it, no reason at all. You might look at someone behaving like the biggest jackass and come up with all kinds of explanations for why that someone is acting out.

Bad parents, bad grades, bad upbringing, bad mentality-

Elias Banks on the other hand had none of it and was still all of it. Bad. Terrible, even. Eddie despised the guy. Yet, so far he had done a pretty decent job at simply ignoring paper balls hitting his head, gums stuck on his table and feet trying to trip him in the hall.

So decent, in fact, that Elias grew bored enough of it eventually. And Eddie really thought this would be the end of it. That he could go back to half-listening to English lessons in peace, doodle in his notebook every now and then and maybe raise his hand once or twice.

But then, on one faithful day, Eddie ran into a boy between classes and hit the glasses off his nose with the cheer force with which they clashed together. It wasn't Elias. It also wasn't anyone else that Eddie had known at any point in his life, despite being pretty good at remembering faces.

And when Eddie apologized and handed him his glasses back, a kind smile stared right at him. Wild curls and brown eyes and thick, black glasses, that all made the guy look just a little goofy and ridiculous. "Sorry, this is my fault. I was looking at my schedule, trying to find this room. 1.113? I'm Jamie," he'd said.

"I'm Eddie," Eddie had replied, smiling. "And that's my classroom."

So when Eddie was twelve he knew that, sometimes, people are pretty great too. Especially when it came to the guy that had become his best friend ever since his parents moved him to El Paso.

Jamie was smart, funny and just a little clumsy. He had this typical nerd archetype look you always saw in movies, couldn't lift a weight to save his life with how scrawny he was and, most importantly, Eddie could spend almost every minute of his day just laughing and running around with him.

Because, aside from having a pretty awesome personality and a bunch of crazy stories from moving all over the country, Jamie was an outdoors kid just like Eddie too. They shared the same classes, the same extracurriculars (though, Jamie really wasn't made for track) and lived just a few streets apart.

Abuela loved Jamie, so did Dorothy when Eddie introduced them and even his sisters never had a bad word to say about Eddie's best friend. His parents were a different story, but they always had trouble warming up to Eddie's friends, so he blamed their reservation of emotions on that and nothing else.

Overall, everything was perfect. Until Elias shoved Jamie against a locker and called him a word that Eddie was familiar with only because he lived in Texas. But because his aunt was Tía Pepa, Eddie also knew how to respond to it, even if she had told him to, "only fight back in emergencies" and "violence is never the answer".

Eddie balled his fists. "Let him go."

Elias wasn't alone. There were two other guys on either side of him that Eddie didn't know the names of but had taken to call "taller and stupider" for obvious reasons. All three of them were looking at him like he was a little dog, laughing as "stupider" nudged Elias' shoulder and imitated Eddie with a high pitched voice. "Oh, let him go, or I am gonna tell my mama."

"Eddie, just leave it," Jamie said quietly, shaking his head. He didn't even seem surprised or scared. Or like this was the first time this happened. Eddie felt sick to his stomach.

"Yeah, Eddie," Elias drawled, still holding Jamie by the shirt, a deadly grip, as he smacked his back against the locker again, repeatedly. "Listen to your boyfriend."

Everything happened a little too quickly for Eddie to recall it perfectly from that moment on. One second he was surging forward, connecting his fist to Elias' jaw, the next he was sitting in the infirmary with a throbbing black eye and the lecture of his life held by none other than his very best friend currently holding up an ice pack against that same spot.

"Do you have any idea how much worse this could have ended?" Jamie asked for the probably third time, ignoring Eddie's grumbling. "I know Elias sucks, but I am used to this."

"You shouldn't be," Eddie replied immediately, growing more frustrated by the second. "You shouldn't be used to this! How are you used to this? I thought we were together all the time, I don't understand- when did he start bothering you?"

Jamie stared at him. He still held the ice in place, wrapped in a towel they'd found in an open supply closet so it wasn't too cold, the curls on his head falling messily over his forehead and blocking at least part of his sight on the left eye.

His glasses were sitting somewhere in this room - Eddie wasn't sure where exactly he had put them - but somehow Jamie looked different. Not just in a, you aren't wearing your glasses which obviously makes you look different by principle way, but because...Eddie had seen him like this before.

That first day they had met, down in the halls, when they had both stared at each other on the floor with their heads still close together from running into each other. Eddie had looked at him then, without the glasses. He looked different now.

And yet he hadn't changed at all. But maybe it was just because Eddie hadn't noticed that his left brow was minimally longer than his right, that he had a small mole by his eye same as Eddie or that there were some strands in between his hair that almost looked auburn between the rest of the dark blonde.

He saw it now though - they were close enough for it - and somehow it made Jamie look different.

"He wasn't bothering me," Jamie said, adding as he saw Eddie open his mouth to protest, "Not before today."

"Then how come you are used to it?" Eddie asked carefully.

Jamie chewed on his lower lip, shrugging his shoulders as he took a tentative look at Eddie's eye, then put the ice pack right back on it. "I told you we used to move around a lot before we got to El Paso. I went to many different schools."

"Did all of them have an Elias?"

"None of them had a you," Jamie corrected, smiling softly.

Eddie's cheeks felt warm all of a sudden. Maybe that was one of the symptoms that came with a black eye. No one had ever hit him before, he wasn't sure how this entire thing worked. "I never had a you either."

Jamie was quiet for a moment, gaze a little too far down to be on Eddie's eyes when he whispered, "Did it not bother you?"

"What?" Eddie asked, trying to recall the entire interaction again in his head from walking out of the classroom and chatting about their summer break plans to Elias getting in their way and throwing names. The only thing that had bothered him was watching his friend get bullied by a bunch of idiots.

"You know," Jamie said, awkwardly shifting in his seat. "He called you my boyfriend."

"Oh," Eddie replied. No, that hadn't actually bothered him. Why would it? "Well, it's not true."

He squirmed again, crossing his feet as he avoided Eddie's eyes, glancing at his untied shoelaces. "Can I tell you something?"

"Anything."

A pause. Jamie licked his lips. "I think I'm gay."

It felt like someone had tipped a domino over in Eddie's head, setting loose a chain reaction of some sort, only for it to stay stuck right before he could come to a conclusion. An unfinished epiphany, the knowledge that there was something to grasp without a concept of identifying it.

Eddie could feel it like energy in his fingertips, an answer right in his reach without even knowing the question. He was close to it, he knew it. If he just looked at it for a little longer, sat with it, Eddie was sure it would keep the dominos falling.

But for now? All Eddie could think of doing was to frown in thought. "Huh."

"Huh?" Jamie asked, flaying his no-icepack-hand around a little frantically. "What does that even mean?"

Eddie shrugged. "I just didn't know."

"Are you...cool with that?"

And, seriously, did Jamie forget the part where Eddie introduced him to Dorothy? "Of course I am cool with it."

"Okay!" Jamie replied, nodding.

"Okay," Eddie agreed. "That doesn't mean we have to start talking about love and stuff though, right?"

Jamie laughed. "No."

"Okay." Eddie smiled.

His best friend smiled back. "Okay."

When Eddie got home, the one-week-suspension letter hidden in the depths of his backpack, his parents weren't all too okay with it.

The first hint that something wasn't quite right, was when he went to reach for the door, his mother pulling it all the way open from the other side instead, face looking strict and disappointed. The reason Eddie knew he was in real trouble, however, was when he saw his father standing next to her, arms crossed with - under normal circumstances - 5 more hours to his shift. "Hey…"

"Edmundo Diaz," his mother said, voice strained. "Do you want to tell us why the school called me to say that you hit someone?"

"Did you at least win?" His father asked, putting his hands up when Helena glared at him.

Eddie shuffled his feet awkwardly, still standing on the doorstep. Hopefully the rest of their neighbors were all inside or not at home. He didn't exactly want to have to ignore their hushed whispers on Sunday. "He hit me too!"

"I can see that," his mother said, clicking her tongue as she took a step forward, cupping his cheeks and turning his head into the light. "We'll have to put ice on that."

"Jamie already did," Eddie mumbled, squirming when Helena trailed her thumb over the bruise. "Can't I just go to my room?"

He tried to squeeze past his parents, stopped by his mother's hand on his arm. "Not so fast. We don't just hit people in this house."

"It was self defense!" Eddie argued. "And besides, he deserved it."

"Did he say something to you?" Helena asked, scanning the rest of his face for more bruises or a lie, Eddie wasn't sure. "Because the principal was very adamant that you hit him first."

While that was technically true, Eddie hadn't seen Elias get a suspension, like ever, for bullying other kids. He wasn't even sure if he got one now, though he supposed it would be pretty difficult to explain why just one of the two kids fighting each other got a letter home. "He pushed Jamie. And then he called him-" Dorothy said not to take that word into his mouth. "-he called him a bad word."

His father didn't hesitate to say it out loud, a question mark behind it as he watched Eddie flinch. "Well, is it true?"

"Ramon," Helena warned.

"What?" He asked back, taking a step closer. "If the shoe fits."

Eddie was quiet. Not because he didn't have anything to say - he had a bunch of words just waiting to spill out of his throat - but because he didn't want to reveal any of them. He couldn't deny that Jamie was gay; he had just come out to him.

But he also couldn't tell his parents, because Jamie had trusted him to keep it secret.

No, that wasn't even it. He didn't really understand why his heart was beating so fast, why he could feel the sweat forming in pearls on the back of his neck, trailing down coldly over his shoulder blades, making him shiver. Eddie did not want to tell his parents.

And yet they could read it in his face all the same.

"I don't want you to be friends with that boy anymore," Ramon said, colder than the sweat.

"What? Why?" Eddie asked, outraged. He looked at his mother for help, saw her eyes fixated on everything but him. "He didn't do anything!"

"You can't get into fights," his mother explained carefully. "Who knows what your sisters will take from that. That boy is a bad influence."

"He wasn't even the one who punched someone!"

"But you will end up just the same if you continue hitting people for someone like that!" His father snapped.

"Someone like that?" Eddie echoed, the books in his backpack feeling too heavy all of a sudden, dragging him back, back, back until Eddie almost tripped over the stone stairs leading up to the doorstep.

It made sense. It made almost too much sense, now that Eddie saw it; the last puzzle piece to a picture that was already recognizable before completion. But Eddie had been too focused on the hole, the bare spot, the missing piece to even notice it.

The reason why his parents hadn't liked Janet Wright, why they didn't want him to visit Dorothy either, fought with his Abuela when they thought the kids were sleeping, unaware of Eddie and Sophia perched on top of the stairs, sneaking, listening.

'Bad influence', that's what they'd always said. Eddie hadn't really understood it then. Maybe he had tried not to. The dominos continued to fall, although back into the opposite direction, an epiphany steered elsewhere to where it was supposed to lead.

"Eddie!" His mother called after him as Eddie turned around, clutching the straps of his backpack with so much force that it turned his knuckles white, before storming off.

He didn't want to go to Dorothy's, his parents would be looking there first. Same with Abuela's house. No, Eddie needed to be alone right now and there was just one place he could go where this would be guaranteed. Even if he was strictly forbidden from going there without any supervision.

Eddie didn't look back as he continued to set one foot in front of the other, panting as he went as fast as his legs could take him, all the conditioning from track really paying off.

He only slowed down once he could see it; the water glistening from the sun in the distance, blocked partly from view through narrow trees and bushes. The lake.

As anticipated, there was no one else around. Just Eddie and some insects as he stripped his backpack off and threw it as far as he could, somewhere onto the shore, before he dug around in his hideout of flat stones.

"Stupid," Eddie growled, forcing the first stone across the water, watching it jump, once, twice, before it sank. "So stupid!"

He threw another stone. Once, twice, thrice-

"Bad influence!" He repeated, channeling more strength into his wrist. "Think about your sisters!"

Eddie wasn't sure when he started to cry. All he knew was that his vision suddenly got just a little too blurry, his words coming out more like a sob than anything definitive angry and the stones did not want to continue jumping.

"Stupid, stupid, stupid!" Eddie yelled, not even pretending to try anymore as he threw the biggest stone he could find, right into the middle of the lake, watching it sink with heavy breaths. "I ruined it all."

Eddie sniffed, dragging the sleeve of his shirt against his nose before looking into his empty hands. There were no stones left, but he also didn't want to go home already. Or ever, honestly.

He glanced back at where his backpack lay upside-down, dirt and sand sticking to it from where it had rolled over. Eddie's eye hurt. It still hurt.

"Did you at least win?"

No. Eddie had lost. Definitely. Everything.

He exhaled shakily as he walked over, dusting his bag off before pulling a pencil and his notebook out. There was supposed to be a collection of history notes in it, talking about important events throughout time. Eddie wasn't all too interested in war though.

So instead, it was filled with doodles of all kinds; imaginary monsters with big furry heads and slimy feet or quick outlines of the birds that would come to sit by the windowsill during class until they got frightened by the loud kids.

Eddie wasn't all too great at it - at least not in a hyper realistic kind of way - but he was pretty confident that he was getting better. His shading didn't look all too messy anymore and, ever since they'd discussed different types of sketching in art class, Eddie had begun experimenting with different kinds of pencil hardness.

There was a comic version of Jamie in here too, abnormally big glasses and tiny dots for eyes as he gave a thumbs up below Eddie's notes about guillotines. Yeah. He definitely needed to practice drawing hands.

Eddie took another deep breath - less shaky now - as he flipped to an empty page, ignoring the lines of the notebook as he set his pencil to the paper.

His pencil strokes were more heavy than usual, going back and forth as he drew a picture of his parents, devil horns on their heads in bright red. He gave them the same slimy feet as his monsters, sharp teeth and tails with pointy triangles at the ends.

It felt appropriate.

Eddie wasn't sure how much time he spent there, just drawing down his feelings one picture after another, until he began to have trouble seeing the page in front of him, squinting at the vastly dimming light.

It's when Eddie looked up to find the sun setting right into the water and a cat approaching him with a carefulness that Eddie wasn't used to when it came to him. Normally, Daniel didn't have any issues with walking up to Eddie and sitting down in his lap.

Now, however, Eddie stared back as Daniel kept his distance, watching him intensely. "Hey, boy," Eddie said, patting the grass by his side. "Wanna keep me company?"

Daniel meowed. Once, then twice, but not making any move to lie down or even just sit.

"What is it?"

The cat meowed again. And again. He had never acted so incredibly odd before. "I don't speak cat!"

Daniel didn't stop meowing - even more insistently now - as he walked up to Eddie's backpack, climbing on top. He stared right at him, almost like he was trying to tell him to…go home.

"No," Eddie said simply, looking back down at his notebook as he continued to draw. Daniel didn't seem to like that though, meowing louder until Eddie finally groaned, narrowing his eyes at the annoying cat. "Are you kidding me? I don't want to go home!"

Daniel stared back, silent for a moment. Just when Eddie thought this was it though, the cat surged forward and stole the pencil right out of Eddie's hand, carrying it between his teeth - like a damn dog - as he ran away. "Hey, give that back!"

Eddie still held the notebook underneath his arm as he ran after the cat, squeezing through bushes and jumping over stones until-

Until he came eye to eye with his very worried looking Abuela talking to a police officer. And then Eddie felt a raindrop hit his forehead. "Eddie! Mijo!"

Her shoulders sagged in relief as she surged forward to pull him into a hug, the police officer smiling as he said something that Eddie couldn't make out. "Were you looking for me?"

Abuela pulled back for long enough to cup his cheeks, blessing him in Spanish before pressing a kiss to his forehead. "Was I looking for you? We all were, Eddito! You cannot keep running away every time you and your parents fight."

"Sorry," Eddie mumbled, feeling another drop hit his arm, low thunder growling above them all of a sudden.

"Thank God we found you before the storm," Abuela whispered, guiding him into the direction of his house. Not before Eddie paused though, feeling something roll against the tip of his shoe.

The pencil. Eddie bent down to pick it up, looking around but not seeing the cat anywhere. "Where's Daniel?"

Abuela stared at him, the grief that Eddie had seen in her eyes before crossing her face as she hugged him again. Briefly this time, as the rain got stronger. "I am so sorry, Eddie. Daniel died this morning. Dorothy called me."

"What?" Eddie asked, the joke seeming incredibly inappropriate. "I just saw him! He stole my pencil."

Abuela narrowed her eyes at the teeth marks in the wood. "Maybe it was a different cat."

The next day, after a long talk with his parents - including his abuela's help and her word that Eddie would be allowed to continue being friends with Jamie - Eddie went back to the lake to retrieve his abandoned backpack.

It wasn't there anymore, flushed away by the storm the night before, probably lost somewhere in the depths of the lake where Eddie wouldn't ever find it.

In the place where Eddie had sat shards of glass had formed out of sand, a black residue left all around. When he asked Abuela, she explained that it was the mark of a lightning.

"You were pretty lucky," Sophia said once he told her, intrigued to say the least. "The chances to get struck by lightning are like one in a million."

"Well, I wasn't struck by lightning," Eddie replied. "If I was, I'd be dead right now."

Sophia only shrugged. "I didn't say that I was lucky."

Eddie shoved her off the couch.

It was all pointless in the end anyway. The summer arrived before Eddie could blink, Dorothy's place a little too empty without four paws making tapping sounds against the pavement and filling the quiet with purrs.

And even while Eddie had made up with his parents, it still felt weird; the unspoken tension. They never talked about gay people again - even if they hadn't really done that before either - and Eddie learned to read his parents' pointed stares instead.

Not that it was particularly difficult to dodge the topic after that summer anyway. Jamie moved away in September and with him did any trace of bringing it up. His parents tried to hide their relief, admittedly, but Eddie still saw it.

And he had no idea how he felt about it.

Chapter Text

Eddie had not known what he agreed to, because if he had, he certainly wouldn't have done it. Although, in retrospect he really should have known better because this was Buck he was talking about and if there was one thing to be said about him, it was that Buck was committed.

Still, when, two weeks ago, Eddie had admitted that he knew embarrassingly little about what it actually meant to be queer on their way back from a very tiring shift, Buck had lit up immediately. "I could make you a powerpoint presentation," he had offered, innocently enough.

And because Eddie was exhausted, limbs stretched out as best as he could in the passenger seat, he merely shrugged. "Sure. Why not?"

The first time a blaring alarm should have gone off in Eddie's head, red and flashing a sign that read 'SOMETHING IS FISHY', was when Buck kept insisting that Eddie couldn't look at the presentation before it was done because he hadn't added the source slides yet - intentional plural.

The much bigger sign, however, was the fact that it indeed took Buck two entire weeks to complete it. And sure, Eddie had said that he would like to find a label that fit him eventually, but, "No, Buck, that does not mean you have to dedicate a whole section of the powerpoint to different identities!"

As a matter of fact, that wasn't even all of it.

Eddie went to Buck's apartment to pick him up for work like he'd been doing almost every day for weeks now, noticing the lack of snoring from the loft. Instead, Eddie was greeted by a very enthusiastic looking Buck, fully showered and dressed, with a clipboard neatly tucked underneath his arm and Eddie knew instantly that, yeah...

He should not have agreed to this.

"Alright, sit down, maybe we can get through the first section before work so we have more time on sections seven and eight later," Buck instructed, pushing Eddie down on the not quite comfortable couch in front of his TV that already showcased the first slide; a relatively blank page with nothing but the title written on it in bold letters.

Congratulations, it's not just girls!
A presentation about embracing the rainbow by Evan Buckley

Eddie stared at Buck in horror. "How many sections are there?"

"Well, let's see," Buck replied, flipping a page on his clipboard. Eddie could see his newly acquired bookmark peaking out on the side, hanging on by a thread between the stack that was the papers in Buck's hands. "Technically it's ten."

That didn't seem all too bad.

"But if we count the visual representation, the videos and the questionnaires and review after each section we should have about 27!"

"And how many slides are there per section?" Eddie asked carefully.

Buck flipped through his papers again. "Well. It's 237 in total, if that helps?"

Now it at least made sense why Buck didn't want to wait until they were back home. If this shift was anything like the last few they've had, Eddie was pretty sure that he'd fall asleep as soon as his ass hit any sort of surface that resembled an appropriate place to sleep in.

And as much as Eddie wanted to complain about it, Buck had put in this kind of effort for him. The least Eddie could do was to appreciate it. Plus, there was still truth to his words. Eddie did want to learn more about being queer. Maybe not on that scale, but he was sure Buck would be happy to answer any questions in case Eddie got overwhelmed with information.

"Alright, carry on."

Buck grinned cheekily, as he clicked his remote - a little thing with just one or two buttons that Eddie was almost positive Buck had bought just to not have to click the spacebar on his laptop every time he wanted the next slide to appear on the TV - revealing the table of contents, that, yes, also stretched over two slides.

Had Buck put in a little more effort than Eddie had been anticipating? Sure. But how bad could this be?

"Okay, we will cover the basics in phase one," Buck explained, pointing at the first slide, neatly accentuated with a red backdrop. "Queer history, literature and identities to answer your question of what to actually call yourself."

Eddie nodded, crossing his arms as he leaned back. "Makes sense."

"And to answer your other question of what it means to be queer," Buck said, clicking on the little button to reveal sections four and five, "I conducted interviews with all of our queer friends! Well, kind of. Michael had some issues with sending his video file because it was too big and Athena didn't want to offer LAPD resources to help me out with this because, and I quote," Buck said, actually looking down on his clipboard to quote,

"Buck, why do you want a picture of- okay, no wrong one. Here it is. Buck, if you try to involve me in one more power point presentation of yours I will personally raid your apartment to get rid of any trace of technology you own and then delete all the Wikipedia tabs in your browser."

Eddie stared at him.

"So, unfortunately I was not able to conduct an interview with Michael."

Whether he should be mortified or impressed, Eddie hadn't decided yet, mouthing the names of the sections on the screen. They all had rather comical, pun-y names, and even the one about different sexualities and identities had been lovingly named "Tasting the Rainbow."

Hen and Karen's interview - or what Eddie assumed was their interview - was called, "Dating, Engaging, Henren" and yet-

Section 5 was just called "Josh". It made Eddie bite back a chuckle.

Buck must've interpreted his silence wrong though, quickly adding, "I didn't tell them I was making this presentation for you. Just so you know."

Eddie didn't think he had. Honestly, it hadn't even crossed his mind that Buck might tell people, because that just wasn't who Buck was. He could keep a secret like a gravestone, contrary to Chimney. But now that Buck mentioned it- "What did you tell them you were doing this for?"

"Well..." Buck scratched the back of his neck. "It's not a complete lie. I thought I might repurpose parts of this presentation to present it to some queer youth centers. You know, in the name of the LAFD, once the chief greenlights it. If you're okay with that."

Every time Eddie thought Buck couldn't get anymore endearing and compassionate, he proved him wrong. "Of course I am okay with that. That sounds like a great idea, Buck!"

He smiled. "Okay, perfect."

"Wait, you said parts of it. Why don't you use the whole thing?" Eddie asked.

Buck merely clicked the button, revealing the next slide of contents, and, oh, yeah. No, Eddie suddenly understood and he took it back. How bad could it be? Bad, apparently. Very bad.

"You dedicated three whole sections to gay sex?"

"To be fair, it used to be five. I narrowed it down," Buck explained with a shrug, not bashful in the slightest. "I wanted to make one on toys but I have most of the best ones anyway, so I thought it'd be easier to just show you."

"What?" Is all Eddie managed to get out, the word sounding more like stepping on one of those squeaky things for dogs than actual English. But, considering the way all the blood in his body quickly shot into one direction specifically at the mental image of that, it really wasn't his fault.

Buck didn't comment on it any further - leaving Eddie with way too many questions about what that section actually entailed - and just skipped to the next slide. "Alright, we might be able to get through my summary of queer history before we need to get ready, so grab your pens and papers-"

"I don't have a pen," Eddie pointed out, blinking. "Or a paper."

"Oh, right," Buck replied, just standing there for approximately three seconds before he rushed to the stack of papers he usually kept for Christopher, opening the drawer with all the colored pencils and markers that mysteriously doubled in count every time he was scheduled to babysit. Eddie tried not to think about the fact that they'd been collecting dust for months now. "There you go."

Honestly, Eddie wasn't even sure what he was supposed to make notes of since Buck had offered to send him the presentation anyway, but he played along. This was a little like being a teenager again, sitting in school and pretending to listen to the teacher. Although, this time Eddie really was gonna make an effort to listen to the teacher.

It's where Eddie was pretty sure Buck would've ended up eventually if he never discovered his passion for being a firefighter. A teacher. After all, he loved to learn, to engage with people and was just overall the kind of person kids looked up to.

Selfishly, though, Eddie was glad that Buck became a firefighter instead. That Eddie got to work with him and become his best friend. He didn't want to imagine ever giving that up; a life without Buck by his side.

That thought was forced into his head by circumstances one too many times, Eddie did not want to ever live in it. So he uncapped his pen and gave Buck an encouraging nod as he began to recount history.

It was interesting, tragic at times but also empowering. Of course Eddie knew some of it since he didn't actually live in the woods away from society, but a lot of the details never really made it into Eddie's hands and the topic itself was so far from ever being taught in El Paso's history classes that it might as well be more likely he received knowledge about homosexuality from an alien than any school staff there.

Not that he believed in aliens.

And although Eddie had thought that 237 slides was a lot, by the end of queer history they had already gone through twenty and it didn't feel like any time had passed at all. Matter of fact, Eddie hadn't even doodled on his paper yet when Buck shut the TV off and clapped his hands. "Alright, time for bonus section 1.5!"

Eddie raised his brows. "And what's that supposed to be?"

Buck only grinned.

It turned out that bonus section 1.5 was just another excuse for Buck to choose the music in Eddie's car as they made their way to the fire station. The shared playlist that Buck added Eddie to may have been called "Educational Purposes" but Buck couldn't foul Eddie that easily.

Each and every one of these songs were Buck's current favorites that he had insisted Eddie needed to listen to immediately (with three exclamation points) over the course of the past month. Eddie knew because he kept a list of them in his phone. He just hadn't really gotten around to all of them yet, was all.

Still, he couldn't even pretend to be upset when Buck used his already half-empty coffee cup as a microphone with one hand as he steered the wheel with the other, drumming his fingers on the steering wheel once they got to a stop in the awful traffic of L.A. "In New York, you can try things, an inch away from more than just friends," Buck sang, holding the cup between them in time for a car honking beside them. "Come on, Eds!"

Eddie tried not to laugh as Buck began to belt the lyrics as loud as he could, turning the radio up a nudge and definitely singing off pitch. It reminded Eddie of one too many drunk karaoke nights; one in specific. "Touch me, baby, put your lips on mine! Could go to hell, but we'll probably be fine."

May's own playlist had certainly prepared Eddie for this. The light was still red and cars were still honking at the unmoving traffic as Eddie finally rolled his eyes and joined in, clutching the cup on the other side and ever so slightly covering Buck's fingers with his as they sang together, "I know you want it, baby, you can have it, oh, I've never done it, naked in Manhattan!"

They arrived at work a little later than they should have and with an earworm stuck in Eddie's head that played in the back of any coherent thought at all times and probably would until the end of the day, but Eddie didn't care.

Buck was still nudging his shoulder chuckling when they walked up to the loft and Eddie was still making absurd, no-context references to Buck's presentation whenever one of their friends said something vaguely related to one of its aspects that then in turn just made them roll their eyes at them in annoyance.

And it was good. Eddie still hadn't come out to anyone else yet, but sharing this with Buck, being able to really be himself with the one person who he knew on that same blind kind of level, was better than Eddie could have ever hoped.

Even when he had to watch Buck pace through the loft with still too much energy in his bones after their last call at a laser tag hall, already banned from working out by Bobby because he was "overdoing it."

Buck had complained about it for a good few minutes until Eddie had asked him if he had taken his meds yet and all color drained out of Buck's face.

But because Adderall usually kicked in only after 30 minutes or up to, in Buck's case, two hours, it didn't exactly stop him from continuing to pace.

He tried to reorganize the cabinets - which Bobby wasn't happy about - and started recounting facts from his books - which both Chim and Hen weren't happy about - leaving only Eddie with his feet stretched out on the couch as Buck groaned and stomped until, finally, Eddie decided enough was enough.

"Sit," Eddie said.

To his surprise, Buck listened immediately. Without question or hesitation, just- stopped in his tracks to sit beside Eddie and stare at him for further instructions.

If Buck's attention span wasn't already hanging on by a thread, Eddie may take this moment to get lost in his thoughts about where exactly this knowledge may come in handy but alas-

Eddie handed him a piece of paper - some yellow notebook page from a rip-off stack on the table - and a pen lying nearby. "Draw something."

Buck frowned. "I'm not exactly an artist."

"Doesn't matter," Eddie replied, pressing the pen insistently into Buck's hand. "Just do something with your hands."

Yeah, Eddie had heard it. But Buck didn't comment on it so Eddie certainly wouldn't correct his word choice, alright?

"Frank taught you that?"

Eddie snorted. "No, it's what being a father has taught me."

Even if his kid didn't live under the same roof as him right now.

Buck shrugged, tongue peaking out between his lips as he set the pen on the paper, incredibly concentrated as he tried to draw…something.

He hadn't lied about not being an artist, although Eddie already knew that from all the times Buck had painted with Christopher. Buck was better at the building part of it all - crafting things.

But just like Eddie said, this was only to get Buck to stop terrorizing the rest of the 118. He was pretty sure that Bobby would like to return to his kitchen at some point and also not find it upside down.

Besides, Buck looked really adorable when he was focused on a task and Eddie may or may not have watched his irritated expression attentively out of the corner of his eye while pretending to read something on his phone.

"Stop judging me," Buck mumbled after some time, tilting his head at the paper without sparing so much as a glance Eddie's way.

"I'm not," Eddie replied.

"I know it's not that good."

"I didn't say that," Eddie insisted again, trying to bite back a smile.

"Oh yeah?" Buck asked deadpan, finally turning in his seat to look at Eddie, blindly pointing at the picture. "What did I draw?"

And, okay, Eddie actually had no clue. But trying couldn't hurt, right? "Uhm…it's- well, obviously you drew a…mountain."

Buck was definitely better at colored pencil sketches than drawing with a pen he couldn't erase.

But, speaking of being unable to erase things, Buck reached out and, sneakily, quickly, drew a line on Eddie's arm. A little lower than that even, down at his wrist.

It was so stupid and so childish and Eddie gasped in outrage as he stole the pen right out of his hand to draw a much bigger line on Buck's own wrist.

"Hey!" Buck said, swatting at Eddie and trying to dodge him as a laugh bubbled out of his throat.

"You started it!" Eddie laughed back, attacking Buck with lines to his arms and even cheek at one point until Buck won the upper hand again, stealing the pen back and trapping Eddie underneath his weight on the couch, panting and trying to catch his breath as he pinned him in place.

And it was-

Buck was very close, actually. Again. Only this time he didn't smell of alcohol or was still half-asleep.

No, Buck was hovering over him, staring into his eyes, and Eddie thought his heart may stop beating any second now.

He was heavy, sure, but it was a comfortable weight that Eddie wouldn't mind feeling pressing down on him for the rest of his life if it came down to it, preferably without any clothes on.

Buck's breath was warm, contrary to his ever cold hands clutching the pen like it was a sword directed at Eddie's nose. His face was close enough to feel it. And Eddie wanted to grab the back of his neck and bring him down, connect their lips, kiss him with purpose and as long as he could without coming up for air.

He wanted all of Buck.

"It's a cat," Buck said eventually, the words coming out more like a whisper as he crawled back, helping Eddie up into a sitting position, which Eddie only grieved for a little bit.

"Would've been my second guess," Eddie lied.

Buck rolled his eyes at him, still holding his hand as he looked down, right where that line was drawn on his wrist. "How did I manage to make that line wavy?"

Eddie followed his gaze.

"Huh, you're right." It did look a little wavy, just a wobbly line with two hills. "It almost looks like a heart if you try and imagine a point at the bottom."

Buck was quiet for a moment, expression incredibly thoughtful before he uncapped the pen again, gently holding Eddie's wrist steady. Eddie let him.

It took one small movement, just another line to connect it all, but somehow Eddie still felt a little breathless as he stared back at the little heart on his wrist.

"You do at least recognize that, right?"

Eddie grinned at him. "Hm, I don't know. A star?"

"You're awful and I hate you." He was beaming like Eddie had just handed him a Nobel prize.

Eddie smiled back.

But since this was Eddie's life, obviously things never stayed quite so good for all too long.

"Okay, but how does this kind of thing even happen? Twice at that in my career alone! First crows, now this!" Chim asked as he jumped out of the truck, frowning when Hen placed a hand on his shoulder and replied,

"I stopped asking myself that question a long time ago."

Chimney had a point though. Eddie also had no idea how a grown man had managed to piss off a goose so badly that it had called for backup and was now flocking around the man, honking and biting and, judging by the smell, shitting on him.

All that was visible of him were his shoes, slightly peaking out as he lay, presumably in a protective fetus position, on the ground as everything else was covered in...well. Geese.

"Thank you for coming so quickly," the caller said as he saw Chim and Eddie approach him while Hen, Buck and Bobby went over to their victim, looking just a little frightened but, more than anything, frustrated.

He seemed a little overdressed considering they were in a park right now, white button-up and classy black pants that had a single goose-bite-wide hole in them but Eddie had to admit...he didn't look bad.

His hair was gelled back, a dark blonde hue and green eyes and even despite those slightly dishevelled clothes, he looked quite muscular. His beard was neatly trimmed, an intentional stubble and Eddie found himself staring him up and down for just a second before noticing that the guy gave him a look back.

Not in an irritated way or questioning just...a smirk.

Eddie cleared his throat. "Alright, we'll save your...uh-"

"Date," the guy said, rolling his eyes at the word. "Badly ended date that I won't be seeing again after this."

"Right," Eddie said, nodding. His mouth felt a little dry all of a sudden. "We'll go save your ex-date."

"Do you know what provoked the geese?" Chim asked the actually helpful question that Eddie should have asked instead. "Anything he did before they attacked?"

"Oh yeah," he replied, pointing at the cloud of white feathers. "He threw a bunch of food against their heads and then tried to chase them."

"That'll do it."

One Chim turning into a hooligan and repeating the guy's actions to have the ducks come after him instead as he ran to safety in the truck (which Eddie now got on video thanks to some bystanders) and the rest of them getting the victim into the ambulance while leaving Hen to do her thing later, Eddie was ready to pack it up.

But then Bobby got a call back from animal control and so instead of filing back into the truck that was currently still being honked at by geese, as Chim sat in it like a kid in time-out, Buck and Eddie fell back for a moment.

"I don't think this tops you running away from the bees," Buck laughed, gently nudging Eddie's side as they watched Bobby pace back and forth from a distance, looking exasperated to say the least.

Eddie glared back at Buck. "Which you made me do, may I remind you."

"Oh, trust me, I remember." Buck grinned. "It was delightful."

"For you!" Eddie went to peek Buck's side where he knew he was ridiculously ticklish, nearly toppling over as Buck dodged, grabbing his hands for dear life and holding them in place while Eddie tried to free himself, not actually putting much effort into it as he laughed. "I'll get you!"

"You already have me!" Buck laughed back, pointedly glancing at their hands before meeting his eyes.

Eddie was so lost in his play-fight with Buck that he almost missed the guy from earlier walking up to them. Almost. Because once he came to a stop in front of them, Eddie dropped Buck's hands to address him with a questioning gaze.

"Sorry, I did not want to interrupt," he chuckled, looking between them before gluing his eyes right to Eddie's face. "Just wanted to say thank you for the help. I don't think I've ever been on a worse date."

"Hey, at least it'll be a good story for the next one," Eddie joked lightly, shrugging his shoulders.

"Maybe," the guy replied, taking a step closer. "Although, I think I'd be talking more about the attractive firefighters."

And, sure, Eddie noticed. This was flirting. It wasn't all that different to what women did on calls and yet no guy had ever flirted with Eddie. Not obvious enough for him to notice anyway. But even though Eddie had a rule of not to dating people he met on calls anymore, even though he didn't even want that-

Because Eddie was in love with Buck. He knew that he was in love with Buck and there was no one else he wanted to be with ever again if it wasn't him.

-Buck wasn't gonna start wanting Eddie back anytime soon or ever. And this was exactly what Buck had talked about before, wasn't it? Exploring his queerness, learning what it meant for him...

There was no harm in a little bit of flirting if it was just for fun and to get a feel for this side of him that Eddie never got to explore before. So instead of shutting him down like he normally would, Eddie tilted his head playfully, a comment right on the tip of his tongue, when, suddenly, Buck cleared his throat. "Actually, for future reference, I don't think that a date would be interested in listening to that. At least not more than an actual goose hunt."

Eddie turned to look at him, expecting an innocent but helpful smile. What he saw instead was a look he wasn't sure he had ever seen on Buck's face before. He looked murderous, like someone had tried to poison his cereal and he was trying to get revenge, like he was the villain in a superhero movie or, worse, one of the geese.

His jaw was clenched, eyes narrowed, not a single sign of sympathy in the way his brows drew together. And somehow Eddie couldn't pull his gaze away from Buck.

"But, hey, if you wanna say thank you," Buck added, pointing at the fire truck, "the guy who chased the geese away from your date is in there. Surely the birds will part for you."

To say the guy looked uncomfortable would be an understatement.

"Buck," Eddie warned. He really didn't understand why he was being so rude to this man all of a sudden. Maybe he knew him? But still, Buck wasn't usually a person who was mean to others, especially people on calls.

Heck, Eddie hadn't seen Buck be rude even to people who deserved it and one of them had actually spat at him. All Buck ever did in response was sigh and move on while he held Eddie back from repeating his street fighting days in the middle of L.A. traffic.

So why this guy had tipped him off so bad, Eddie had no clue.

"We should probably go get Bobby, right?" Buck asked, completely ignoring the still caught off-guard guy.

"Well, just take this," the guy said quickly before Buck could drag Eddie away, handing him a little piece of paper. "In case you wanna talk about geese."

If Buck could burn a piece of paper with his eyes, he would. There was no doubt about that. Which was exactly why, as soon as they were out of earshot, Eddie tried to corner Buck. Not that it worked particularly well. "Dude, what was that?"

"What?" Buck asked, crossing his arms defensively.

"You just turned into your sister before her morning coffee," Eddie clarified, raising his brows expectantly.

Buck merely brushed past him into the front of the truck where geese were not currently piling up, ignoring Eddie as he climbed over the seats and into the back where Chim was splaying his feet out. "Probably genetics."

"What's genetics?" Chimney asked.

"It's definitely not," Eddie argued, ignoring Chim's question. "You were perfectly fine before the guy came over to talk to us."

Buck raised his finger. "Ah, came over to you."

"What difference does it make?" Eddie asked, frowning. "People flirt with us on calls all the time."

He could vaguely see Chim's eyes flip between them like he was watching a very intense tennis match. All that was missing was the popcorn in his hands, though he replaced the lack of it with his phone pretty quickly, no doubt texting Maddie. Eddie couldn't find it in himself to care right now. He wanted answers.

"Well, it's different!" Buck replied simply.

Eddie climbed into the seat in front of him, not so kindly kicking Chim's legs away as he sat down. "You know that I'm not actually gonna call him, right?"

Buck's mouth snapped shut like he wasn't actually expecting that, a bit of tension seeping out of his shoulders. "Oh. Good."

"Good," Eddie agreed, leaning back.

"Should I...leave?" Chimney asked carefully, not even pretending to move as the door opened and shut at the front, Bobby's voice sounding through their headphones.

"Alright, the geese problem is being taken care of, we can go back now," Bobby explained, starting the engine. "Everything okay back there?"

"Just the usual," Chim replied, ignoring Eddie and Buck's glares.

Eddie may not know what Buck's problem with the guy was, but he had a feeling it was pretty pointless to continue asking and poking, whatever Buck was hiding, with an invisible stick. He glanced down at his hands as Bobby began driving, seeing the little heart on his wrist slightly faded away already.

And that's all it took, really. Eddie gently kicked Buck's leg and Buck kicked his back, biting back a smile as Eddie trapped his feet between his own. "I think you'll have to retrace it later."

There it was again - the smile that Eddie had been missing. Fond and sweet and directed at no one but Eddie. "Wanna come over after the shift? We can order from that Italian place you like."

"No cooking?" Eddie teased.

"Not if we wanna make it past section two before you nod off."

Eddie leaned forward, propping his elbow up on his knee as he steadied his chin. "I wouldn't dream of it."

Chimney stared between them again, shaking his head. "Are you seriously not hearing yourselves? How long do we have to keep suffering?"

Eddie paid him no mind. Or Bobby's laugh echoing through the headphones. He was too focused on the way Buck's fingers felt as he reached out to briefly trace the symbol on Eddie's wrist, lingering there all the way until they were back at the station.

Chapter Text

"And that wraps up the identity part of the presentation," Buck said happily, clapping his hands together as Eddie reached for the review sheet that he already knew Buck would make him fill out once again, just like he had done for the other sections. "Was it helpful?"

Considering Buck had covered just about twenty different sexualities that Eddie had never even heard of before, yeah, Eddie supposed it was kind of helpful. The problem was just- "I still don't think any of them fit. At least not any of the- you know."

Buck tilted his head at him. "Any of the what?"

"You know, the main ones. The basics." Eddie wasn't sure how else he should call them.

As far as he could follow - and as far as what he had taken notes of - people oftentimes don't identify with just one sexuality because it doesn't cover the whole basis of the way they experience attraction and Eddie could really see himself in that.

There was the whole asexual spectrum that Eddie had been kind of aware of but which he didn't know had so many micro identities in itself and yet-

It seemed like it always went hand in hand with something else. You could be either on the aromantic spectrum or the asexual spectrum or both but if you weren't on both, then that still left either an undecided sexual attraction or an undecided romantic attraction and Eddie was just...a little confused.

"Okay, just tell me what speaks to you," Buck offered kindly, stopping the presentation. "What are you thinking?"

This was more difficult to talk about than Eddie would've thought. He had gotten more comfortable at expressing that he was queer, generally, to himself and Buck and May but putting another word on top of that was kind of nerve wracking all over again.

Then again, this was Buck. They were doing this whole thing because Eddie wanted to try.

"Demisexual," Eddie replied, shrugging at the paper where he'd written the term down on, underlined twice for emphasis. "I think that's how I feel about people. I always struggled to feel attracted to someone I didn't have any sort of pre-established bond with, same with Shannon back then-"

Even if Eddie still wasn't sure if this was the same kind of love he was experiencing with Buck now.

"-and it's just...it doesn't feel wrong when I think about it."

"Great!" Buck grinned. "Where's the issue then?"

"It still leaves the gender aspect of that whole thing open," Eddie explained, absentmindedly making crosses and filling in stars on Buck's review paper.

-Clear speech: 10/10
-Visuals: 10/10
-Speed: 9/10
-Length: 5/10

Buck leaned over his shoulder. "Hey, what was wrong with the length?"

"Buck, you explained the meaning of every single color in every single flag and what it represents in regards to color history and how it differs to the intended meaning by the creators," Eddie replied.

"That's important information!"

"Anyways," Eddie said, handing the paper over to Buck. "Even if I label myself as demisexual, I still have no idea if, you know."

"You've got to start to be more specific about this."

Eddie threw his head back with a sigh. It wasn't Buck's fault that he was making this way more complicated than it needed to be, because deep down, Eddie did know. The reason why he felt different about Buck than he did about Shannon, why his eyes lingered way more when he saw a good looking man than when he saw a good looking woman (and yes, Eddie had started to pay attention to that).

He knew that there was a neon arrow in his mind that pointed towards one word and one word only. Or, well, two words now that he knew about the whole demisexual thing. It was incredibly difficult to ignore and yet Eddie managed to do it anyway because saying that word out loud about himself still felt too huge.

It felt too narrowing, too boxy and, frankly, too terrifying. It reminded him of his childhood in El Paso, Sundays and confessions and running away as fast as his legs could take him, dominos and yelling and black eyes and-

Eddie just couldn't do it. Not yet anyway.

"Do I need to specify who that demisexuality applies to? Men, women?" Eddie finally asked, circling his pen over his notes. It certainly sounded like it; like this was just a sexuality accessory that Eddie couldn't get if he didn't buy the whole set.

"What? No, of course not," Buck replied. "You don't owe anyone an explanation of your sexuality. And even if there is no label that you think applies to you, you don't have to just pick one from the ones I showed you."

Right. Eddie had been overthinking this whole thing again. Just like always.

"Oh," Eddie said, feeling unreasonably relieved. "It does apply. Demisexuality."

Buck looked honestly delighted about this. Instead of replying to it like a normal person though, he turned around to rummage through his drawer for a moment and before Eddie could even begin to form the question of what he was doing, Buck spun back around to strap a purple party hat to Eddie's head. "Congratulations, it's a demisexual!"

"You've been waiting for this moment, haven't you?" Eddie asked, rolling his eyes as Buck snapped a picture of him.

"I bought one in every color."

"Of course you did." Eddie shook his head as Buck returned to his place by the TV screen, grabbing his remote. "You think we can finish the next section before we have to go get ready for Karen's party?"

"Oh, absolutely."

Buck and Eddie arrived thirty minutes late to Karen's birthday party. Technically, it was 36 to be exact, but when Karen opened the door with raised brows and a hand to her hip, Eddie was not about to point that out to her.

Instead, he and Buck smiled as innocently as they could, pushing the bottle of wine into her hands. "Happy birthday, Karen!"

She seized the label, nodding once, twice, before stepping out of the doorframe and waving them inside. "You're forgiven."

And to be completely fair, the only reason why they had butchered the time management so badly in the first place was because of her anyway. The interview that Buck had conducted with Hen and Karen had been adorable, sweet (slightly suggestive at times) and Eddie had definitely reached for the tissue-box on the table when they began talking about their experiences growing up as lesbians.

But that was the thing; they had talked about a lot.

Eddie wasn't sure what he had been expecting when Buck told him that he had conducted interviews with their queer friends, but it certainly wasn't document-long movies on a budget. While two weeks for a powerpoint presentation had seemed excessive at first, at this point Eddie really wasn't sure how Buck had even managed to put everything together in that small time frame.

There was a part in the interview where Hen and Karen talked about how they met each other, adopting Denny and then recently Mara; all the things that Eddie had already known in more or less detail. But what really stood out to Eddie was the rest. The things that Hen hadn't talked so openly about before.

She had alluded to it a bunch of times of course - how difficult it was when she started out at the 118 - but it was different to hearing it in a very chronological order of events. Same thing for Karen and becoming a rocket scientist.

Of course Eddie had always respected them, but knowing just how hard they'd fought to be where they were now made that respect grow even bigger. Which was kind of unfortunate because now that Eddie walked into their house - the one where they had gotten married again with all of them present - all he wanted to do was to pull them both into a hug and sob.

And obviously that would be a little difficult to explain.

"We've set up everything in the garden," Karen said, taking the bottle with her as she led them outside. "Everyone else is already there, as you might have gathered."

"Sorry about that," Buck apologized sincerely. "We've lost track of time while...-"

He looked at Eddie for help. Right. They probably should have come up with an excuse on their way here, shouldn't they? Eddie hadn't really considered this after taking a look at his watch, jumping up and frantically dragging Buck out of his own apartment before Buck dragged him right back because they couldn't exactly show up in sweatpants or Karen would definitely kill them.

Which is how Eddie ended up wearing Buck's clothes yet again, the light blue dress shirt a little too long at the sleeves which is why he'd rolled them up. Still, it didn't change the fact that Eddie had no idea how to explain just why they were late to her.

He couldn't exactly say, "hey, you know that presentation that Buck told you was for queer kids so you would accept his request for an interview with him? Yeah, actually, that was for me and we've just watched a retelling of your love story, sorry for being late again."

So Eddie just stared helplessly back at Buck. "-we...organized...-"

"-...my closet?" Buck finished slowly, the uncertainty of the lie practically written into his face. He truly was terrible at this. Eddie tried not to groan as he pinched the bridge of his nose.

Karen didn't seem to mind though. In fact she looked quite amused as she flipped her gaze between them, scanning both Buck and Eddie from head to toe before she hummed in a way too satisfied manner considering the fact that Eddie was so certain that she couldn't possibly have bought that lie.

Which is when it hit him.

"Organizing your closet really can take up a lot of time, I understand."

Yeah. Karen totally thought they had sex.

Eddie had no time to correct that assumption when they stepped into the garden and Jee-Yun immediately came running over, yelling, "Uncle Buck!" as he picked her up and twirled her in his arms.

And because Jee was strictly followed by her cousin Mara ever since she temporarily stayed at Maddie and Chim's place and Mara was followed by Denny, Buck soon got abducted by the 118 kids for a game of hide and seek that he'd 100% lose judging by the sheer size of him that offered very little hiding spots.

It was incredibly adorable though. Buck was great with kids.

This wasn't any new revelation to Eddie of course, but that didn't mean he was able to pull his eyes away as Buck gasped in overdramatic outrage when Mara giggled as soon as she found him, melting at Buck's pout that was so unconvincing because of the smile tugging at the corners of his lips that Eddie wanted to kiss it all the way off.

There was a reason why Eddie had legally given Buck his own son, written him into his will, and it wasn't just because there was no one else in this world he trusted more. It was because Buck followed Christopher's routines, was already known by every teacher in his school and was aware of his allergies.

It was because he always bought his favorite cereal without needing to ask, because Buck had the conversations with Chris that Eddie didn't know how to and it was because Eddie couldn't imagine anyone else - other than himself - able to raise Chris in the way that Eddie wanted him to grow up in.

Without prejudice, without judgement and without parents who made him want to run as far away from home as possible.

And yet Eddie had managed to fuck up so badly that this is exactly what his son did. He made him run right to the people that Eddie had spent his own life running from. The ones he never wanted to become.

Eddie had robbed himself of his own son and he'd come to terms with that, even if he still tried everything in his power to fix that mistake. What he hadn't come to terms with - and what hadn't even crossed his mind - was that Eddie didn't just steal Christopher from himself.

He'd also stolen him from Buck. The person who he'd promised to share the only representation of his heart with that roamed the earth free from his own body.

They never really talked about it, not amongst themselves, but Eddie knew regardless; Buck missed Chris too. He may look lighter now, giving Mara a piggyback ride while he chased Denny and Jee through the garden, but there was no mistaking the melancholic shadow that had passed his face for just a moment.

Eddie knew it from his own reflection. It meant recognition and remembering.

"It's kind of strange, isn't it? That he's the only one who doesn't have a kid yet," Hen asked as she came to a stop beside Eddie, offering him a glass of wine. Eddie took it without breaking his gaze away from Buck and the kids.

"He does," Eddie replied without thinking twice about it, voice quiet. He didn't want to take it back just to uphold an image that was wrong anyway, that would be a lie, and so he didn't. He just continued to watch as Hen hummed beside him, leaning against the pillar of the pavilion that she and Karen had set up for the party.

"Is he aware of that?"

"Yeah," Eddie said, recalling the moment in the hospital when he told Buck, the way his face had been stuck in a weird mixture of shock and affection. He remembered, "You know I wouldn't" and many nights spent waking up with a broken arm only to feel better as soon as he walked into the living room and saw Buck still asleep on the couch or already making breakfast for the three of them. "Chris is too."

Eddie remembered sitting down in an office and changing his will and he remembered not questioning his decision for even a second.

Buck was Christopher's legal guardian but he was also another parent to him and while only the three of them knew that all of this was officially documented, no one else needed to. At least until it became...relevant.

"That's not what I meant," Hen said softly, waiting for Eddie to turn and look at her. "Does Buck know that you're in love with him?"

"No." Where was the point in denying it?

"Will you tell him?"

Eddie stared at Hen like she'd lost her mind, which he was fairly certain she must've at this point. "Why would I? It's not like he feels the same way."

Hen raised her brows at him, making Eddie feel almost defensive as she reached out to turn his wrist around, revealing the little outline of a heart that Buck had been retracing for the past week every time it began to fade. "Oh yeah, it's so obvious how much he doesn't love you back."

Eddie pulled his hand away.

Before Hen could make another comment about that though, Karen called everyone to dinner. And Eddie would be damned if he didn't use this opportunity to slip out of the conversation he didn't want to be wrapped up in in the first place.

"Can you go get the kids, Chim?" She asked as soon as Eddie walked up to the big table they had propped up outside, surrounded by some very pretty looking fairy lights and decorations that would be even more beautiful once the sun set.

"Think they didn't hear you?" Chimney asked, already scanning the area for three small heads.

"Oh no," Karen huffed, fondly crossing her arms. "They definitely heard me. They just like to pretend that they have developed selective hearing, so they can keep playing."

Chim nodded like, yeah that tracks. "Alright, I'll go get the orange juice from the kitchen while I'm at it then."

"Why don't you go and do just that while I go save Buck," Eddie offered. "I think we need a new bottle of wine too anyway." (Which definitely wasn't due to Eddie downing three glasses already.)

"Whatever you say, you're the better negotiator," Chim replied, punching Eddie's shoulder before he walked off towards the kitchen.

Karen gave Eddie a look. He ignored it.

Okay, so what if he likes seeing his best friend be all cute with kids? That was hardly an unpopular opinion! Besides, it was kind of Eddie's job to save Buck, wasn't it? Secure his rope, have his back…

This wasn't all too different, considering Mara was currently pointing a stick at Buck's chest as he lay dramatically on the grass, hand outstretched to the sky. "Perish, thief, for you will hereby be executed for your crimes against the crown!"

"No, please," Buck wailed. "Have mercy, Knight Mara!"

Eddie had to suppress a laugh as he looked around the ground, finding another stick in the grass that vaguely resembled a wizard's staff if you squint hard enough. "Hold the trial or I will curse you!"

Mara, Denny and Jee all turned around with a gasp, shrieking when they saw Eddie. "It's the evil wizard!"

"I will cast a spell upon you that makes you unable to eat any dessert ever again!" Eddie said, laughing maniacally as the children, especially Jee, hurried to grab their own sticks. "Free my accomplice and I might consider sparing you!"

Buck tried not to laugh as Jee immediately agreed and threw her twig in front of Eddie's feet. The Buckley sweet tooth, undeniably.

Mara and Denny weren't so easy to convince though. "No."

"But he has superpowers," Jee whispered without any sense of what whispering entailed as she leaned towards Mara and Denny on her tiptoes, not reaching their ears by a long shot.

Denny looked at Mara, nodded once, Mara nodded back and they both turned to look at Eddie dead-pan, agreeing, "We want a cat."

"A cat?" Eddie asked, caught too off-guard to keep up his wizard voice so he cleared his throat and repeated the question again, deeper and with a rasp. "A cat?"

"This is your bail money," Denny agreed, crossing his arms and raising his head higher. Considering Buck hadn't bailed Eddie out when he was in jail, that seemed like a very high price to pay considering Hen and Karen would murder him in his sleep if he brought a cat anywhere near their property.

But if there was one thing Eddie had learned as a parent, it was to find loopholes. So he just shrugged. He'd get them a stuffed animal. "Okay, deal."

"Yay!" Jee-Yun said happily, attaching herself to Eddie's leg. "Thank you, Uncle Eddie."

"Wizard," Denny pointed out.

"Thank you, Uncle Wizard," Jee corrected. Maddie and Chim really were doing a fantastic job at raising her, there was no doubt about that, but Eddie was still stuck on her calling him uncle.

It made sense for Buck; he was her actual uncle and Hen and Karen were her aunts because Chim and Hen were Chim and Hen. But Eddie?

He was just…he wasn't even that involved in her life. Sure, sometimes when Buck was babysitting, Eddie was around too and he had bought her some treats from the bakery once or twice and, yeah, the 118 was like a family but-

The only way Eddie would be an uncle to her was if he and Buck were…a couple.

Eddie shoved that thought away as he picked her up, trying not to melt at the way she swung her arms around him as she held on. "Okay, knights, are you following your princess' orders in accepting my offer?"

Denny and Mara shared another look before they shrugged, shaking Eddie's hand. "A cat for the candy thief."

"We shall celebrate our alliance over a feast," Eddie agreed, pointing at the dinner table. "Go forth, adventurers, we will meet you there."

Jee clutched Eddie's shoulders as Mara and Denny went, asking, "Can you carry me, because I am a princess?"

Eddie smiled back at her. "Of course."

Yeah. He really missed Christopher. Specifically the time Chris was little enough to want to be carried around like this too, but he tried not to think too hard about that right now.

Not while he pulled Buck up with his free hand, nearly stumbling backwards as he came to stand exactly in front of his face, whispering, "My hero."

Eddie blushed. "Someone needs to have your back."

Buck's smirk was way too smug. "Uh-huh."

Eddie ignored him, turning his attention on Jee instead as they began walking back to the others, not pointing out how much warmth spread through his chest at the way Buck's shoulder brushed his own with every step. "Should I fill a plate for you, Jee? What do you want to eat?"

"Cake." She had the same kind of gummy smile that Buck and Maddie shared.

"Cake's for dessert," Eddie explained, sitting her down in the free chair next to her mother. "But I'll be sure to secure the biggest slice just for you once we get to that, I promise."

That seemed to be enough of a consolation prize for her. "Yellow stripes."

"Uh." Eddie looked at Maddie for help, noticing her fond expression.

"She refuses to call them fries," Maddie explained, tucking the loose strand of hair in Jee's face back behind her ear before ultimately opting for just re-doing her ponytail entirely. "Have you seen her hair clip?"

"Oh, the butterfly one?" Buck asked, coming up beside Eddie to drop it on the table. "She lost it during the execution."

"Of course she did," Maddie said fondly before pressing a kiss to the top of Jee's head.

There was nothing particularly special about dinner other than the people Eddie was surrounded by. Conversations split between groups like they always did, Athena told Chim and Maddie about a case she was working on, Bobby shared a recipe with Hen, and Buck was still utterly wrapped around the finger by the kids who giggled as he made faces over the dinner table.

Eddie had made good on his promise too; getting Jee the biggest piece of chocolate cake she could stomach and leaving half of his own for Buck to eat later after he had once again insisted he wouldn't get a piece for himself because it didn't fit into his diet.

A statement promptly followed by stealing a forkful from his sister's once she wasn't looking.

But Eddie was. He was looking the entire time, unable to do anything but smile at the way Buck was so...Buck. Even if Karen shook her head at him every time she refilled his wine glass, which she was now doing for the- actually, Eddie had lost count. Which was probably a bad sign. "So, closet re-arranging, huh?"

Eddie choked on his wine. "Yeah, well, you know."

"Oh, I do," Karen agreed. "Even if my wife refuses to tell me what you two were chatting about earlier, I'm good at making guesses."

"Well, whatever you're thinking, you're wrong." She was most definitely right.

"Eddie Diaz," Karen said very seriously, looking him dead in the eye. "If you don't make sweet love to that man tonight-"

Eddie dropped his wine glass. Not entirely and not enough to not catch it before it shattered on the floor, but just enough to make it tip over and drench his (Buck's) light blue shirt in red.

"Great," Eddie said because this was everything but great. He sighed as he put his glass on the table, reaching for the napkins to further fuel the delusion that he'd not just doomed Buck's shirt to a lost cause.

"Oh, that's not-" Karen said, wincing as the napkins got soaked up immediately, honestly just making the stain bigger. "I'll just throw it into the washer, give it to you next time we see each other."

"And, what, make me sit here shirtless for the rest of the day?" Eddie asked, a little more attitude in the voice than he was aiming for.

Karen didn't blame him for it though. She just shrugged her shoulders apologetically. "I didn't think you'd spill the wine all over yourself!"

"What did you think was going to happen when you said that?!" Eddie asked, throwing his hands up.

Karen gave him a look.

"Do not say, that it was going to happen, or I swear to you, Karen, I will steal my birthday present back before you can open it-"

"What's gonna happen?" Buck asked, appearing out of nowhere, which would've made Eddie spill more wine if there was any left. "Woah, you look…"

"Red?"

"I was gonna go with the poodle metaphor, but sure, that too," Buck replied, wordlessly taking the napkins from Eddie's hands to continue the helpless attempt at salvaging this. "You okay?"

Now that Eddie thought about it, it was a little chilly. But maybe the wind wasn't the reason why he was shivering. "Yeah, fine."

"Not dizzy?" Buck asked again, resting the back of his hand against Eddie's cheek, feeling for a fever. "You are a little warm. We should probably get you something to change into."

As if on cue, Karen came back out of the house with a shirt she had accidentally bought in the wrong size but hadn't, conveniently, returned yet. When she had left their side in the first place, Eddie had no clue.

All he'd been able to focus on was Buck's hand on his face. The one that had lingered there for a second too long, that had slipped away now and that Eddie wanted to reach for again just to hold.

"You can go get changed in the bathroom downstairs, maybe clean up a little," Karen said, handing the shirt to Buck instead of Eddie.

Somehow it was just an unspoken thing - something that Eddie also hadn't even questioned - that Buck was gonna go with Eddie.

It could have been anyone, really, and Eddie damn well could have gone alone too, but he didn't exactly feel like making that point when Buck brushed against his side as they walked, his warmth feeling addicting.

Not that anyone else pointed it out either.

Karen and Hen's guest bathroom wasn't something that Eddie would consider small under normal circumstances, but judging it now, while being one out of two grown men squeezing into it, it certainly seemed that way.

"How did you even manage to spill the entire glass on yourself?" Buck asked, searching for some towels while Eddie stripped his wet shirt over his head, simply letting it fall to the floor where Karen had told him to leave it.

"Karen Wilson," Eddie explained simply, frowning at how sticky his chest felt, the wine having seeped through the fabric and all the way to his skin.

"Makes sense."

Eddie bit back a laugh, waiting until Buck triumphantly chanted an, "aha!", spinning back around on the balls of his feet to come face to face with Eddie once more, fluffy towel in hand. He must've miscalculated the turn a little however, because Buck nearly tripped as soon as he got his eyes on Eddie.

More specifically, Eddie's chest, because that's where his gaze was glued to right now. And this was the point where Eddie kind of expected him to, well, hand the towel over to Eddie. Instead, they were just standing in front of each other in silence, the wine slowly drying on Eddie's skin as he watched Buck's throat move with a swallow.

And then Buck was reaching out, tentatively and carefully wiping the towel against Eddie's chest and-

Yeah, Eddie'd had too much wine. He'd definitely had too much wine. Otherwise the small whine wouldn't have escaped his lips and Buck wouldn't have stepped closer to cup the side of his neck and asked him if he was okay in a whisper.

And Eddie wouldn't have leaned into it like he'd usually fear doing.

Most importantly, Eddie wouldn't have grabbed a fistful of Buck's shirt to pull him even closer, close, close, close until he felt his back pressing into the sink while Buck stood between his legs, noses brushing and mouths panting and Eddie wouldn't have said,

"Sorry for messing up your shirt."

Buck's thumb brushed over Eddie's jaw in a touch so light that it could've been an accident if it wasn't for the way Eddie felt his breath hitch right against his lips, pupils blown and voice so hoarse when he replied, "I don't care about the shirt."

Eddie grabbed his cheeks as he pulled him down for a kiss. It was soft for a moment, just a short press of lips as Buck kissed him back, his hand wandering up to tug at the hair at the back of his neck, holding on.

It didn't remain soft for long though. Not when Eddie bit down on Buck's bottom lip and he moaned right into his mouth or when Eddie used that moment to outline the shape of his mouth with his tongue before slipping it inside, humming when Buck pinned him further into the sink.

Buck kissed him hard, making Eddie's head spin at the lack of oxygen in his lungs, a fair deal for feeling the way their lips brushed together, perfectly fitting and so similar to what it was like to kiss a woman yet nothing like it at the very same time.

Kissing Shannon had always been fun, being intimate with her - it was one of the only things that worked about their relationship in the end. And maybe that's why it was so different to loving Buck. He and Buck already had a good relationship, the best Eddie's ever had with anyone even if it wasn't romantic, and he knew him, trusted him. They understood each other on every level.

Eddie pushed his hand below Buck's shirt, running it over cold abs that turned warm below his touch, a silent question that Buck answered immediately by pulling back just long enough to pull it over his head, thrown somewhere to the ground where it joined Eddie's own before Buck's mouth was back to attaching itself to Eddie's own.

He felt fuzzy with it, drunk not just on the wine but the feeling of Buck's lips, kissing desperately as Eddie shoved their hips together, encouraging. "Buck."

Understanding. Trust. Knowing.

Buck inhaled sharply as he rolled his hips against Eddie's, undoubtedly hard in his pants which should freak Eddie out, honestly. It was new, this wasn't exactly planned and they should stop and talk, but it wasn't like Eddie wasn't having the exact same issue right now, the added friction too good not to hide his own moan in another open-mouthed kiss.

"Fuck, don't stop," Eddie mumbled against Buck's lips, arching his back into the touch. "Buck, please."

Buck didn't. He did, however, make Eddie's knees buckle as he sucked the skin of his neck into his mouth, raking his fingers over Eddie's back while he grinded against him, finding some sort of rhythm in between desperate searches for touch that made Eddie groan.

"Eddie." He could feel Buck's own panting against his neck, cold breath against wet skin, before they were right back to kissing like they'd never get to do this again, which Eddie was almost certain was a fact. This had an exasperation date and it was called sobriety.

Not that this knowledge stopped Eddie from breaking his own heart with every brush of his lips against Buck's, every tracing of muscles with his fingertips, mapping out his body like he'd go blind tomorrow, desperate to remember.

"Eddie," Buck repeated, a whine in between kisses as he pressed their foreheads together, panting. It was the most beautiful sound. He could feel his fingers toy at Eddie's jeans, tugging at his waistband. "Can I-"

"Yes," Eddie replied breathlessly, clashing their teeth together in a messy kiss, humming satisfied when Buck finally made work on his jeans before-

"Can you hurry up in there, I need to pee," Denny's voice came through the door, followed by a very insistent knock.

Eddie and Buck froze at the same time.

"We need the shirts," Eddie said, chest rising and falling rapidly as Buck stepped back.

"We need the shirts," Buck agreed, curls completely messy, face flushed and lips kiss-swollen as he turned away.

The wine.

It was the wine's fault.

Chapter Text

Dorothy died with the sun, sinking to greet the dark on a Thursday. Eddie hadn't been over for a week by that point and Abuela had just talked about planning a picnic to get her mind off things before the approaching death day of her late wife.

That's when the fire department had rolled up in front of her house, quiet without any sirens on. And Eddie knew, deep down, what it meant.

"She wanted to see her wife in person," Abuela told Eddie quietly, an arm wrapped around his shoulder as they attended the reception. "Join her in heaven."

It was a different word to the one that Eddie had overheard his father use. "Do you really think that's where they are now?"

"Yes," Abuela said without hesitation, handing Eddie, Sophia and Adriana a flower each to lay down by her casket. "I know it. God reserved a special place for two very special women."

Adriana tugged at her black dress. She hadn't known Dorothy as well as Eddie and Sophia had, too small to even remember her vividly in a few years time, but as much as Eddie liked to give his little sister shit sometimes, even he couldn't blink his own tears away when he heard her sniffling.

He wasn't sure if she truly understood what was happening right now, her encounters with mortality limited, but Eddie still wordlessly handed her a tissue. "Do you remember the kitty, Adriana?"

"Yeah." She nodded.

"He's watching over them now," Eddie promised, not sure if he believed it himself.

The church seemed large for the first time in years, the sun shining against the windows from outside, drawing colorful patterns on the almost empty ground.

Not a lot of people had come by except for the priest, a few neighbors that Eddie always saw here anyway - probably ridding themselves of the guilt that came with all the words they had whispered behind the back of a now dead woman - and them.

Not even Eddie's parents had bothered to join them, even after Abuela had asked them to – over and over; Christian duty and all.

That's when Eddie had heard his father say it. "I won't bid a woman goodbye that I won't be meeting in the afterlife."

Adriana didn't understand it yet, but Eddie was fifteen now. He'd be stupid not to.

"Goodbye, Dorothy."

Things got quieter after she was gone, a strange and uncomfortable feeling in Eddie's chest every time he passed her house on his way back from school.

The windows were indefinitely shut, the strangers coming to the place too unknown and bland for Eddie's liking even if his abuela introduced them as Dorothy's brother's children once he finally got the courage to ask why they kept coming in and out.

"Her niece is gonna move in," Abuela explained. "They both have a right to the house, but her nephew already has a family settled in California."

"Is that why they never bothered to visit her?" Eddie couldn't stop himself from asking.

"It's a long trip, Eddie," Abuela argued. "It's not always that easy."

They hadn't even been there for the funeral. Eddie couldn't help but feel bitter about that. They hadn't come to the funeral or the reception but they had managed to come here as soon as it was time to collect their inheritance.

No matter how much Abuela tried to defend their actions, he didn't like those people. So when Abuela asked him to come with her, groceries in hand, to greet his new neighbor, Eddie firmly told her no.

He'd never stepped a foot over the threshold of that house ever since.

It was okay. In fact, it was good for a while. Eddie missed Dorothy but so did Abuela and Sophia and mourning together, talking about her, felt a lot better than wallowing in that loss alone.

Eddie had new friends too; a useful distraction even if he didnt feel particularly close to them and certainly not enough to talk about things like this. They weren't very emotional people, sentimental or interested in feelings. Overall, they were the kind of guys Eddie's father was pleased he was friends with.

But Eddie did like them. They were fun to be around, always on the verge of getting in trouble but deep down softies in their own manner.

And when his Abuela announced that she was moving to L.A., following Pepa who moved a year before, leaving Eddie behind, they were the only people Eddie could think of going to to get his mind off things.

Chaos, trouble, an ice chest with beers and Eddie sitting on fading, burned ground by the lake as he drank and watched them yell and laugh as they pushed each other into the water. It wasn't unusual to how they spent most of their days after school. Especially not unusual to how they spent their days ever since the summer holidays started.

What was, however, unusual was that they weren't alone this time. Eddie hadn't even noticed the group of girls setting up a few blankets and a picnic basket at first, too lost in his own thoughts, but once he did-

Eddie couldn't look away. They were talking quietly enough to not be able to overhear, giggling amongst themselves as a few pointed towards the water where Eddie's friends had undoubtedly noticed the presence of the girls too.

Ben's flush was visible even from a distance, Johnny nearly stumbled over his own feet and Erik and Diego were making fools of themselves with a very unsuccessful - what Eddie supposed to be - dance, like wild animals trying to attract females.

The unsuccessful part seemed debatable though, because some of the girls did get up, walking right over to them. It left one girl on their blankets, same as Eddie. She was pretty with long, brunette hair pulled up into a ponytail and slightly sunburned skin on her shoulders that peeked out from underneath her loose top.

She looked right over, catching Eddie's stare and Eddie quickly averted his eyes, to anywhere but over there. The ice chest seemed really enticing all of a sudden. Had the label already started to peel off before today?

He tapped his foot on the ground for all of three seconds before he risked another glance, seeing the girl, thankfully, too occupied in rummaging through her bag, searching for something. Eddie wondered what she looked like up close, what eye color she may have and for a second Eddie really entertained the thought of just getting up to talk to her.

Before he could muster the courage though, she was the one who got up, following after her friends calling her name. "Shannon! Come on, the water's warm!"

Shannon. It was a pretty name. A fitting one.

Eddie wanted to be able to say it out loud. Instead, he spent a long while just sitting back, enjoying the sun on his face as he watched - in a steady calmness - the ice melting and his friends carrying the girls on their backs, jumping into the water and laughing before diving under.

He shut his eyes against the noise, humming to himself. Perhaps he should've brought his sketchbook. It'd been a few days since he last drew something. On second thought though...

"I'll get you!" One of the girls shrieked, splashing the water far enough for it to nearly touch Eddie's toes.

...yeah, bringing any paper near this chaos would probably be a bad idea. Eddie was content enough just watching the chest while he tanned anyway. Still, it did almost make him fail to notice the girl suddenly approaching him, hair tie lost, replaced with wet hair dripping down her shoulders.

Her smile was incredibly bright, eyes squinting and blue against the light as she looked down to Eddie. "Hi."

Shannon. The pretty girl. Eddie felt himself entirely frozen for way too long, mouth undoubtedly agape as he stared back. She wants a beer, his brain supplied helpfully after a temporary error. Right. Yes.

"Hi," Eddie replied, voice cracking on that one syllable, embarrassingly enough.

Shannon just laughed though, sweet like honey, as she accepted the bottle, thanking him. She was wearing a little golden cross necklace, Eddie noticed. It really stood out against her black bathing suit. "I'm Shannon."

I know.

"Eddie," he replied, clinking the neck of his bottle against hers.

She looked him up and down for a moment - not really in a way of checking him out, no, it didn't feel that way, more so to really see him, analyze something Eddie wasn't quite aware of - before wordlessly sitting down right across from him, her legs crossed and the dirt of the ground sticking to her skin, though she didn't seem to mind. "So, what's your deepest fear?"

Eddie let out a startled sound, looking at her like she was crazy. "What?"

"Come on, everybody has one," Shannon prompted, looking much too delighted considering what she had just asked Eddie. "Is it drowning?"

"Why would it be drowning?"

"So you do have one!" Shannon grinned. "Mr. Mysterious by the water is not all that mysterious after all."

Eddie wouldn't really consider himself all that mysterious. Sure, he didn't really talk all that much about his life but that was just because people didn't outright ask; at least beyond the surface. 'How are you?' and 'What are you doing?' closely followed by, 'So what's your family like?', were just three of the questions Eddie was sure everyone had an appropriate, automatic response for.

'Good', 'not much' and 'normal', what else?

But then there was Shannon; a girl that confessed that she'd always found spiders rather terrifying but that her real (not so) mortal enemy was the idea that one day the ice cream parlor down her street would stop selling her favorite flavor. And Eddie-

Eddie couldn't stop grinning as she talked, going on and on about mysteries of the world and true crime television shows that her mom didn't allow her to watch but that she still sneaked into the living room for during the middle of the night.

Her favorite colors were purple and yellow, she'd once burned parts of her finger nail off while trying to light a birthday candle and even though she had attempted knitting a dozen times, the only recognizable thing she'd ever made was a hat the size of an apple.

When Shannon's hair dried in the sun as they continued to talk - Eddie chiming in with the occasional nod or comment of his own - he noticed it was quite layered too, mostly brown but with a few bits and pieces that almost looked auburn in the light.

It's like with every detail he noticed, Eddie felt a new surge of affection for her.

"Are you Catholic?" Shannon asked after a while, knees pressing against Eddie's own as she leaned forward in anticipation.

"Uh," Eddie said intelligently. His family was Catholic. He was baptised. They went to church every Sunday. "Yeah. I guess so."

Shannon tilted her head at him. "It's okay if you're not, you know. You've just been glancing at my necklace a lot, is all."

Eddie blushed. Of course she had caught that. For all that Shannon got lost in her own topics of conversation - deep in thought about questions she'd asked out loud herself - she was incredibly perceptive. Eddie knew that from the moment she sat down opposite him.

"It's complicated," Eddie replied, because that was as close to the truth as he had come himself. He wasn't sure what he felt about his own religion. His abuela and parents seemed to have such different views on it despite allegedly believing in the same God, while Eddie was still stuck in front of stained glass windows and unheard prayers.

How could he believe in something if there was no proof of its existence? How could he think that Dorothy was in heaven and reunited with the love of her life when he'd never seen it with his own eyes? When the only thing that he did see were firefighters carrying her body beneath a white sheet?

"I'm not afraid of complicated."

Eddie raised his brows at her. "Right, you're exclusively afraid of spiders and insolvency."

Shannon shoved him playfully as she rolled her eyes. She already opened her mouth to reply something probably equally teasing, when Eddie suddenly noticed movement out of the corner of his eyes. Something that was quickly revealed to be his and Shannon's friends sneaking up on them to pick them up without warning. "Into the water with you, lovebirds!"

If it wasn't for the sensation of, at once, being thrown into the lake, Eddie was sure he'd flush all over while trying to heavily deny that term. Instead he came up breathing heavily, hair sticking all wet to his forehead as he glared at his friends who were laughing maniacally at them.

"So your deepest fear really isn't drowning," Shannon mused as she flicked a bit of water into Eddie's face. He flicked some back. "Would've counted on it."

"I never agreed," Eddie pointed out, feeling his own smile tugging at the corners of his lips as he watched Shannon's bright grin. Yeah. Eddie could be courageous. "Wanna get out of here?"

"You've got some place in mind?"

Eddie glanced into the direction of the small boat that he knew was still docked here. "I hope you don't get sea sick."

It turned out that Shannon, indeed, did not get sea sick (thankfully). They took the boat out to the center of the lake, the water just deep enough here for their friends to stick to the bank of it and leave them alone. And again, Eddie did love his friends, but they were loud and Shannon was...she was loud in a different way. A vibrant one.

"No but, seriously, what are you afraid of?"

Ever since she'd asked the question for the first time - hours ago by now - Eddie had been thinking about it and yet he hadn't come up with an answer. Not because there wasn't one, but because there were so many things he could think of, so many terrifying.

But Shannon stared at him, anticipation written all over her face, and Eddie had a small inkling of a feeling that she wouldn't back down until he gave her at least a somewhat satisfying answer. So, Eddie just shrugged. "Death."

"Death," she repeated, thinking it over. "No."

"What do you mean no?"

Shannon leaned back a little, holding herself up with the weight of her palms as she squinted towards the slowly sinking sun. "I mean, everyone is scared of dying one day, but that's just life. It happens to all of us eventually."

"Do you ever wonder what happens afterwards?" Eddie found himself asking, unsure why he even did so in the first place. If for Dorothy or himself.

"We go to heaven, of course," Shannon replied like it was the most logical thing, before she caught Eddie's gaze - perceptive. He wasn't sure what it told her, why her expression turned softer all of a sudden, but Eddie was thankful for it, somehow. It made him feel safe. "Or we just fall asleep. There really is no way of knowing."

Eddie drummed his fingers against the edge of the wooden boat, eyeing the cross on her neck once more. "But if you don't know, why do you believe?"

"Because it feels right."

She didn't even have to think about it. Maybe that was the most telling thing of all; Eddie's own answer to that question. But he kept it to himself, at least for now, tucked away in the back of his mind for someone to uncover if they asked a specific question. "Drowning does seem pretty scary."

"Exactly!"

They stared at each other for a moment, grinning like idiots before breaking out into another laughing fit. If it wasn't for this lake, Eddie was pretty sure his chances of drowning were quite slim here in El Paso. A lightning had almost knocked him out before that.

But even beyond that, talking to Shannon was just...easy. She was kind and sweet, extremely funny and Eddie loved listening to her when she talked. Her voice was so soothing, something so special about it and Eddie didn't care that it was getting dark, he wanted to stay right here on this lake and talk until the sun came back up on the other side.

And that must be it, right? There was no other explanation for it. His friends had already said it, called them lovebirds, and Eddie felt so connected to Shannon-

He had a crush on her. He must have. Sure, there wasn't really that feeling of his heart beating out of his chest like movies always talked about but that was exaggerated anyway. Shannon was pretty, beautiful even, and she was all that Eddie had missed in a friend ever since Jamie moved away.

Yeah, he should have a crush on her. She was perfect.

"What are you smiling for?" Shannon asked, a smile of her own plastered onto her lips.

Eddie waved her off. "Nothing."

He almost forgot all about why he had come here in the first place; the sadness prickling underneath his skin. Almost. Because no matter how much Eddie didn't want to, he had to go home at some point, meet his abuela's eyes after slamming the door at her in anger.

He had to sneak inside to hide the smell of beer, pretend to be asleep even if he had been having trouble shutting his eyes for weeks now and Eddie had to squeeze into his Sunday clothes tomorrow. This - his life - didn't just start and end in a row boat with Shannon. There were expectations on him, things he had to do and be.

Eddie was the man of the house, needed to make sure his sisters were okay, help his mother out while his father was at work to provide for their family. Outside of the lake he wasn't supposed to talk about fears and certainly not about feelings.

Mourning, grieving- they just didn't do this. A Catholic thing or a Diaz thing, who knew at this point.

So when Eddie walked Shannon home after all their friends were already gone, waving her goodbye, he kind of thought he would never see her again.

But he was wrong.

Chapter Text

They simultaneously came to a quiet understanding to never talk about it.

Or, at least that's what Eddie assumed they did because he never brought it back up and Buck didn't either and then they didn't talk about anything at all until Buck just turned to Eddie while they were in the cab - sharing because it was cheaper - to say, "I heard they've got a new Christmas flavor at that coffee place."

And Eddie raised a brow and replied, "Why do they even have Christmas specials in LA when it's only November and always at least over 68°F outside?"

And that was that. So yeah, they came to a silent agreement to just never mention it again.

And, really, why would they, right? They were just two, queer and hot best friends who made out once and almost had sex in their friend's bathroom after one too many glasses of wine.

Just because it meant something to Eddie, didn't mean it did to Buck and Eddie would rather live in the pretense of not knowing than hearing just how casual it was out of the mouth of the person he was in love with and that he knew the taste of now, thanks.

Not that they had much time to sit in silence and approach that whole topic anyway. Because even while their evenings hanging out after work never stopped and they talked just enough for it to not be awkward, Buck was-

He wasn't acting differently per se. That would be an overstatement. But…

"Okay, no, backtrack," May said, sipping on her hot chocolate while Eddie swirled his spoon inside his own. It wasn't as good as the one they had at Bobby and Athena's house, or the one at Buck's favorite café but it was alright.

He'd take the lower quality over feeling guilty for not inviting Buck to a cup of hot chocolate at their spot with May. No, the place at sunset was reserved for the both of them and no one else.

At least they had cute table decorations here and a nice staff. Everyone was wearing pink aprons with the store's logo at the front, though they didn't look half as good on any of them than Buck's apron did on him.

But maybe Eddie was biased.

"How often do you want me to repeat it?" Eddie asked, looking around just like he had the first time he told her, making sure no one was listening in on their conversation. "We kissed, okay? We made out while we were drunk and now- now, Buck is pushing me to find a new hobby?"

May stared at him over the rim of her cup. "Maybe he's keeping you busy so you don't bring it up."

"Well, I wasn't planning on it!" Eddie hissed back. "I swear this is karma for me making fun of all the crafting projects you pressured Bobby into."

"Hey, don't make fun of your father-in-law, he's getting really good at that pottery thing ever since we went to that class together."

Eddie tried to suppress the all body shiver at the idea of his captain giving him the shovel talk. He failed. Miserably so. "Not my father-in-law now and will never be my father-in-law later on."

"I'll be sure to mention that in my speech at yours and Buck's wedding," May replied, a smug smirk on her lips and cocoa smeared on the tip of her nose. "But elaborate, please. What hobby is he making you take up?"

Too many to count. Way too many. Eddie leaned back in his chair, suppressing a sigh. "The day after the party - the kiss - when I was supposed to come over for a movie-" documentation about arsenic green that Buck had found and wanted to show Eddie to prove that everything he had already told him was actually, in fact, true "-he made me go rock climbing with him."

"Sounds like some nice quality time."

"Then, a few days later, same story. We planned to get to the next section of his presentation - don't even ask - and instead I get there and he pushes a duffle bag into my arms and tells me that he signed us up for this gardening volunteering thing," Eddie continued to explain. "May, do you have any idea how black my thumb is?"

"Okay, fine, but is that really so bad?" She asked back, mirroring his posture. "I mean, you've never complained about spending time with Buck."

"Spending time with him isn't the problem, it's- whatever he is trying to do, it's exhausting. You try to go jogging after a long 48 hour shift!" Eddie groaned. "I just want to sit back on this stupid couch and watch that silly presentation and just be normal again."

"So why don't you tell him exactly that?" May asked.

The answer really was simple. "Because if I did, I'd acknowledge that things did change and we'd have to talk about it."

Eddie could read the words from May's face without her needing to say them out loud. So talk about it. He glanced down into his cup.

"You do know the fact that he kissed you back probably means that he likes you too, don't you?"

"That's not the problem," Eddie replied, feeling that he actually meant it. He'd never really thought about it that deeply, at least not addressing it out right but-

Of course Buck liked him. They were best friends, partners, there for each other with the silent promise of being even if no one else was. And Buck was good at casual.

The fact that Buck kissed him back- it just proved what Eddie had already suspected. He could have this. But he couldn't have all of it.

And Eddie was too damn selfish to be okay with anything other than everything. Being with Buck; He couldn't do it knowing that his own longing, own desire, Eddie's own self would ultimately poison the only source of light he had left in his life.

"Then what is?"

"He deserves better than to settle for someone that he'll never be able to love like that." Someone who will only end up driving him away like he did everyone else in his life.

Eddie didn't want to stain Buck too.

"Besides, you said it yourself," Eddie added. "Even if I wanted to talk about it, Buck clearly doesn't."

Eddie didn't want to talk about it. He didn't. It's just that he couldn't stop looking at Buck's lips - with sweat trailing down his forehead or dirt from gardening on his fingertips - dreaming about him pressing up against Eddie.

He couldn't stop imagining what it would be like - the most innocent parts of it all - to wake up next to each other and just…be. The holding of hands, the knowing of security and the mere shared existence of never needing to leave, to go back to separate homes that didn't feel like it.

"What if he doesn't know how?" May asked.

Eddie highly doubted that Buck would plant an array of flowers into some dirt just to spell out the words, "so, sex?"

…on second thought, that's probably exactly what Buck would do.

May must have read his thoughts - more or less - because she quickly added, "Buck’s pretty comfortable when it comes to his sexuality. You aren't."

"Thanks."

"My point is, considering what we both know about Buck, his first instinct is always to be helpful," May explained.

"So you think he is planning all those activities because he thinks that I don't want to talk about it?" Eddie raised a brow at her. That seemed a bit excessive, even for Buck.

"You don't want to talk about it," May replied with a shrug.

Eddie raised his cup to his mouth. Exactly. He didn't. Even though he had tried to teach Christopher that it was okay to talk about his feelings, encouraged him to do so even-

It wasn't the usual Diaz way. Buck and Christopher…they were both colorful, all those meanings that Buck listed from his book, the symbolism of it all showing clearly on their face with every emotion they felt.

Eddie was just…

He was blank. A canvas overdrawn with gray to erase a picture that Eddie couldn't even remember.

And yet-

Yet, kissing Buck had felt like a stroke of paint never completed, the sun drawing a colorful pattern on the floor through the reflection of a window; something that wasn't permanent.

Something that Eddie wanted to be but could never have.

It's how he found himself inside of an art studio with an array of painting tubes, people that looked like they knew what they were doing and Buck, who definitely did not know what he was doing but was delighted to be here.

Contrary to Eddie. "You're insane."

"Debatable," Buck replied, grinning like the sweetest fool Eddie's ever met. "It does suit you."

'It' in question being the matching painting aprons that Buck apparently had custom ordered from one of his many favorite Etsy stores. Because Eddie highly doubted that any store would print the sentence, "Putting the 'D' in LAFD", which Eddie was so certain was supposed to be Buck trying to be subtle and supportive about Eddie coming out as demisexual but jesus-

At least three people in this class had either looked at him in confusion or snorted when they passed them and saw the print on Eddie's chest. And there was no way that Buck was unaware of it either - Eddie knew him too well for that and it wasn't like he didn't have to hide his own giggles every few minutes.

No, Buck was a menace and he was insane. It didn't help that Buck's own apron - once again hugging his figure too well, not that Eddie was staring - just said, "BLAFD" which didn't even make sense!

"Why exactly do we have to wear this for a painting class again?" Eddie asked, protectively crossing his arms over his chest as another couple walked past them and nearly stumbled over their feet upon seeing him- his apron- Buck's apron, whatever. "Everyone else is in civilian clothes."

"That's because they aren't taking it as seriously as we are," Buck noted and Eddie felt like if he could, he'd check the matching outfits off his clipboard checklist right now. Knowing Buck, he'd probably made one at home. "It's to show that we're a team."

As sweet as that sentiment was, Eddie wasn't sure how much team spirit there was in a dick joke.

"Besides, it's not just a regular painting class," Buck added, pointing at all the people in the room slowly walking towards their canvases - two people for each - just like they had been told to do when they came in and Buck gave the instructor their names.

And that's when it hit Eddie. "Buck..."

"This is on you for complaining about my artistic skills."

"So you doom me by teaming up with you on a painting?" Eddie asked, eyes wandering through the room once more to come to the conclusion that, yeah, this looked like a-

Actually, Eddie still wasn't sure what this was. Because every couple that had come in had been just that in his head; a couple. Everyone except for Buck and him. "Buck, how exactly did you find this class?"

"Well, after the gardening debacle I stumbled upon this website that listed a bunch of activities to do together to- uh, anyways, it had all these links attached to it and that's how I found Gladys' partner painting," Buck explained proudly, already gathering some painting supplies to put on the little table next to their easel. "And they had a free spot and a discount for the first class!"

Oh god. Buck wasn't aware of it.

The word "partner" had been associated with them for so long - at work, with Chris - that of course it didn't ring any bells. Eddie wouldn't have blinked at it either if it wasn't for the people around them holding hands, pressing kisses to cheeks or lips before class started or even just leaning way too much into each other's personal space in a way that couldn't be considered platonic-

Eddie became vaguely aware of the fact that Buck's entire side was pressed up against him right now, using Eddie as a crutch while he began rambling about what they could draw to win. And, yup, everyone thought they were a couple. Shit. Eddie took a side-step away from Buck without thinking, too abruptly and too quickly, sending Buck even closer as he stumbled and crashed right into Eddie.

On a positive note, the people staring at the two men inelegantly flopping to the floor and groaning at least couldn't see the front of Eddie's apron now. Because it was covered by Buck. Who was still too heavy to lie on Eddie's chest. "Comfortable?"

"If I don't count the bruised ribs," Buck mumbled back.

Of course this was the moment the instructor chose to come into the room and begin class. Of course. "Okay, if everyone would be so kind as to return to their easels?"

Buck helped Eddie up to his feet and Eddie tried to ignore the pairs of eyes on his back, ignoring the voices starting to whisper in his head. Now they will definitely keep staring. They think you're a couple. They will look too close and see that you love him.

Eddie shoved them away.

This was fine. It would all be fine. There was no reason to panic.

"Today, class, I want you to draw a painting representing you and your partner's love story."

There was a small reason to panic.

Eddie carefully trailed his gaze over to Buck, waiting to see the realization dawn on his face. It would suck a little, admittedly. Even while Eddie had been pretty vocal about his annoyance about the activities that Buck dragged him to, he had to admit that what May had said did hold a little bit of truth. Okay, a lot of truth, actually.

Eddie enjoyed spending time with Buck. It was his favorite thing to do, right after spending time with his son, and since that one was unavailable right now, getting to be with Buck - even if only like this - was fun. Exhausting but fun.

Killing tulips, scraping hands on rocks, sweating himself stupid, those were sacrifices worth making to see Buck enjoy himself and inadvertently make Eddie enjoy himself too. He'd rather sit on a couch and listen to Buck talk about something he was passionate about while Eddie broke into his fridge after a long shift but this?

Painting? It'd been a long while since Eddie picked up a pen. Sure, sometimes when he was stuck in a queue, pacing the house idlessly, he'd doodle something on an old grocery list, but other than that Eddie hadn't ever taken the time to draw like he used to as a kid. Mostly because he had his own kid now.

Between becoming a father, joining the army, then the 118 and all else that had been going on in his life, this wasn't exactly a priority. But when Buck had cornered Eddie in the locker room at the end of their shift and handed him a box with an apron and the word, "painting class", Eddie had been-

He'd been a little excited.

Only that, once Buck realized that this wasn't the kind of "bonding between bros to distract from the fact that he'd been very ready to jerk Eddie off" activity, Eddie was sure he'd profusely apologize and get them out of here to not make Eddie uncomfortable, which was considerate and kind but would make Eddie feel just a little disappointed.

However, when Eddie's eyes finally met Buck's there was no note of that reluctance. Instead, Buck held up two tubes of paint - one pink and one blue - and tilted his head at Eddie. "Okay, so we can either do your love life on one side and mine on the other, or do like an intertwined kind of situation with symbols."

Eddie was in love with an idiot. A usually very smart idiot, but an idiot nonetheless.

"Intertwined is fine," he croaked out.

Buck held the tubes up higher and Eddie pointed at the blue one, watching Buck squeeze it onto their palette while Eddie got them two painting brushes. "Did you know that there is a light shade of blue - Alice Blue - that was named after Alice Roosevelt Longworth?"

"Seems to explain the name," Eddie replied, absentmindedly mixing colors as he set his brush against the canvas while Buck continued to talk.

"She was President Roosevelt's daughter who did not at all contribute to society's idea of who she should be; smoking in public, openly gossiping because she did not keep her opinions to herself, a bit of a scandal always surrounding her."

Eddie hummed, more concentrated on listening to the story than actually focusing on the muscle memory of his paint strokes. "Sounds like someone you used to date."

Someone that Eddie was not willing to name right now because she still annoyed him for reasons that made much more sense now than they did when they were still together and Eddie mentally went through a 5-act plan on how to get rid of her at all times.

Buck gave him a look. "Anyways, there's this famous saying associated with her, a quote from the president, that also became associated with the color. I can run the country, or I can control my daughter. I cannot do both."

"Glad he picked the country." The sentiment of parents controlling their kids never sat right with Eddie. Maybe because his parents had always tried to do that with him, maybe because it reminded him of the loneliness that came with only feeling free to express himself outside of his home.

And even then, look at how long it took Eddie to truly break free of all control.

"She didn't just get famous because of her father though, I think that's really cool," Buck said, his tongue peaking out as he tried to draw...something. "She lived to the age of 96 and stayed true to herself until the very end."

It was something admirable indeed. In Eddie's experience the truth can be complicated sometimes. Especially if it's your own. "Was all of that in your book?"

"Holy shit," Buck replied, which, honestly, not the answer Eddie had been expecting. When he looked at Buck, he wasn't staring back at him. No, his eyes were stuck on Eddie's side of the canvas where he'd been mindlessly doodling one of the mandala patterns he'd often tried to come up with - more blocky with colors than the fine lines he'd done with his pencils.

Now that he was looking at it closer, the blues and greens almost made it look like a bird out of stained glass, surrounded by meaningless patterns.

"Did you drop your brush or something?" Eddie asked.

Buck ignored him. "You just painted that."

Eddie looked around them, noting the emptiness surrounding them and everyone else minding their own business (or their own painting, if he was being exact). "Uh, yeah. I believe I did?"

"What the fuck, Eddie," Buck said, sounding way too exasperated for no reason. "Since when are you good at this?"

The blobs of paint stared back at Eddie, a bird with outstretched wings trapped in glass. It really wasn't bad. Considering that Eddie hadn't practised in a long while, he was surprised that he still knew how to do it anyway. Sure, he'd sketched and, yeah, sometimes painted, though rarely, a lot when he was younger, but the fact that the muscle memory still worked was...not what Eddie had been expecting.

"Well, I began drawing when I was about...eight, I think? Maybe seven," Eddie explained, trying to remember when exactly his interest in art started. "Most of the time I drew my neighbor's old cat or cartoony versions of monsters but I started by-"

Oh.

"Started by what?" Buck asked carefully, feet shuffling close enough to touch the tip of Eddie's shoes.

"I started by drawing patterns of stained glass," Eddie whispered. Trying to recall them from memory, drawing the outlines of Mary and Jesus in his mind during every Sunday mess. They weren't good - not at the start - but Eddie had drawn them so often, sketched pieces of glass connecting into one picture everywhere, even on the shower wall sometimes, that he must've...started doing it blindly.

"You should design a tattoo for me."

Eddie laughed. "Yeah sure, let's see what you've been painting."

As soon as Eddie let his eyes trail over to Buck's side of the canvas though, he had to suppress another laugh for a totally different reason. Because this time Eddie did recognize what he had drawn but it was just-

It was so Buck that Eddie wanted to kiss him just to translate that adoration into a motion. Because of course. Give Buck a prompt that feeds into his inner romantic and he'll paint a pink, smiling heart.

Eddie still owned the original version. It was hanging on his fridge.

"Don't laugh," Buck warned.

"I'm not," Eddie replied, definitely biting back a grin.

Buck was a man of actions. He used his paintbrush to draw a pink line right across Eddie's nose. Which, logically, ended in Buck receiving a blue dot on his cheek, which then lead to both Buck and Eddie abandoning their canvas in favor of covering themselves in paint, giggling until Eddie tasted paint on his teeth and their instructor paused in front of them with a very disapproving look.

It was enough to break the tension though, at least for the moment. Even if everyone else's paintings actually looked good and cohesive while Eddie and Buck's were barely recognizable - a heart and a bird decked in splashes of colors - he liked theirs best.

Which is exactly why Eddie took it home. The painting and Buck.

It was the first time they sat down on his couch in a long while, quietly eating their Chinese take-out in comfortable silence as Buck occasionally clicked the spacebar on his laptop, explaining the slides of his power point presentation - section: pride and (no) prejudice - with a full mouth.

They hadn't connected it to Eddie's own TV yet and he didn't quite mind. Sitting next to Buck, shoulder to shoulder, thigh to thigh, had something so familiar to it that Eddie couldn't believe they'd gone without it for too long after...

Not ruining what they had. They could never do that. But tipping the scale.

Eddie was glad about it though - the fact that they'd found their balance again. Touching Buck always sent a shiver down his spine, always made his heart expand in his chest, and he knew that. He had learned to be aware of it.

But not touching Buck had been worse. Maybe that made Eddie a sinner unable to deny himself, but he found that he cared less and less. There was nothing about Buck that could be anything other than right.

And while doing all of those activities that put some physical distance between them was still nice-

Eddie liked this. He liked it a lot. And he was very good at ignoring the warmth in his chest and the need to feel Buck's lips on his own. Because he'd messed this up once and he wouldn't do it again.

"I meant it, you know," Buck said after a while and it took Eddie a moment to realize it wasn't part of his presentation notes on pride parades.

"Meant what?" Eddie asked, stuffing more noodles into his mouth before facing Buck. Something that he regretted the moment he saw his expression. Because Buck was looking...

Eddie wasn't sure if he had a word for it. His eyes were soft, a small smile on pink lips that tasted like wine, almost the same shade as his birthmark. Buck looked gorgeous but that wasn't new. What was new was that Eddie knew the little sounds he made were gorgeous too, the way his lips parted, eyelashes fluttering when he experienced pleasure.

Pleasure that Eddie had been giving him. A face that he knew because he had put it there.

And he wanted to see it again almost as much as he wanted to push the laptop off Buck's lap right now just so he could straddle it instead, just so he could kiss him stupid until Eddie forgot that it was a terrible idea, grinding down without getting interrupted, maybe going further than that because Buck wasn't the only one good at doing research.

So yeah. Eddie was very good at ignoring this.

"I want you to design a tattoo for me," Buck replied finally.

"Are you out of your mind?"

"Sometimes." And now Buck was putting the laptop away on his own, sending Eddie's head spinning, pushing himself up on his hands as he leaned closer to Eddie, right into his personal space, a smirk on his lips. "But you're a great artist and I want..."

He trailed off.

"You want?" Eddie's eyes flickered down to plush pink, swallowing as he saw Buck's tongue peak out to wet his lips. Buck's nose brushed Eddie's own carefully, hands perched on either side of his thighs as he leaned in, breath warm against his face and all Eddie needed to do was close it, breach one more inch-

All he needed to do was everything they had already done.

But he couldn't.

The first time had been a drunken mistake - even if it was everything that Eddie had dreamed of while sober - that they'd been trying to fix for weeks and now that things had finally returned to half-way normal they couldn't... do this. Not without talking about it first. And they had to talk about it, Eddie knew that now.

Maybe he had this entire time, even while trying to ignore it. Because as soon as they did talk about it, as soon as Eddie lay his cards wide open, this would end. This would never be. But Eddie couldn't be selfish, not about this.

He had to tell Buck that he was in love with him and listen to the rejection that would follow.

"Eddie?" Buck asked quietly, a whisper that Eddie could feel against his lips. A whisper that made everything inside Eddie want to scream.

Yeah, Eddie had to tell him. But he couldn't hear it now. He couldn't hear the words like this. "Maybe you should go home."

Buck pulled away and Eddie tried to tell himself that the look on his face didn't hurt more than the prospect of hearing his voice tell Eddie that he wasn't worthy of love. It was harder and harder to convince himself of it though - with a painting on his wall and an abandoned laptop left on his coffee table and the memory of hurt and glassy eyes - not colorful - burning itself into his mind.

Eddie had lied.

He wanted Buck to come back home. The real one. Theirs.

The one Eddie had pushed off the scale entirely with one little nudge.

Chapter Text

Eddie wasn't quite sure what it said about his and Buck's relationship that not kissing led to the tension between them being so much more awkward and unbearable than when they had kissed. He had no real interest in finding out though, because the catalyst wasn't the problem.

The problem was Eddie. It was Eddie opening his mouth too late with the wrong things to say, driving Buck away, not going after him and getting them into this situation in the first place. Situation being Eddie walking up the stairs to the loft with two cups of coffee in hand and seeing Buck already there, abruptly getting up from the couch when Eddie so much as approached him.

"Hey," Eddie said, careful not to vomit everything he wanted to say at once. Because he did have to say it. He should have said it last night. He should have said it weeks ago. No, Eddie should have said it the moment he kissed Buck instead of hiding the strings attached to it. The ones that got him all wrapped up now. "I got you coffee."

"I, uh, already had one," Buck replied, gaze glued to Eddie's face right until he got the words out, gaze immediately falling to the floor after. Right. Sure. "That reminds me, Chim actually called for me so-"

Buck couldn't even finish making his way to the stairs, right past Eddie, before Chim reached the loft with a confused head-tilt. "Who called for you?"

Eddie would be more hurt by this if it wasn't literally his own fault. Again. "Oh, I meant Hen, it's- yeah. It was Hen."

And then he rushed off.

Eddie sighed as put the cup down on the counter, leaving it there in case Buck changed his mind, before being met with the same expression that Hen had given him months ago. Only that this time, it belonged to Chimney. "Did you fight again?"

"We didn't fight last time," Eddie immediately tried to defend himself. "And we didn't fight this time either, it's just- it doesn't matter, okay?"

Chim didn't look convinced in the slightest. "Uh-huh. So you weren't icing Buck out last time and he isn't icing you out this time, got it."

"It's more complicated than that."

"Is it though?" Chimney asked. "You are acting like two people straight out of a romcom who hooked up and then met again at the same job, which I doubt is what-"

Eddie choked on his coffee. Chim's mouth snapped shut. Bobby walked back down the stairs.

"Edmundo Diaz," Chim said, stretching out his name like it was made out of rubber. "If this is how I find out..."

"We aren't-" Eddie tried, aggressively picking at the lid of his cup as he looked around, continuing in a whisper, "Okay, Chim, you have to promise to shut the hell up about this."

"I don't want to shut up about this!" Chimney complained, throwing his hands up. "I never would have said it if I knew I had to shut up about it! You slept with Buck?!"

"We didn't sleep- Chim!" Eddie started, grabbing Chim's arm when he tried to slowly walk back away. "Do you remember Karen's birthday party?"

Chimney looked like someone had blown chalk into his face. "Oh god, you fucked in Hen and Karen's bathroom."

"We did not!" Eddie said a little too loudly and highly pitched for someone that was one out of two in the equation of people that had, in fact, almost fucked in Hen and Karen's bathroom. But Chim didn't need to know that. "We just- kissed, okay? We had a little too much wine and we kissed."

He could practically see the gears turning in Chimney's head. "But that was weeks ago."

And, okay, yeah, this one was on Eddie. He sighed as he crossed his arms, leaning against the counter and then immediately standing up straighter again after one very specific mental image shot through his mind. "Yesterday we almost kissed again."

"Almost," Chim echoed.

"I pulled away."

"You pulled away," Chim echoed again.

"And told him to go home."

"You told him-"

"Chim!" Eddie cut him off. "I was freaking out, okay?"

If dictionaries had pictures, Eddie was absolutely certain that his friend's picture would be the prime example for the word 'confusion'.

'Irritation', alternatively, or 'how do I deal with this kind of revelation', though Eddie supposed that wasn't exactly an entry in the dictionary. He understood the sentiment though. He had not idea how to deal with it either.

Chim took a deep breath. "Okay, I am probably not the best person to talk to about this but I've prepared myself for this situation ever since Maddie got pregnant and I had to imagine all the possible scenarios we could face in the future. Even though, following recent events Buck would probably be the one to have this conversation with her-"

"Chim." Eddie raised his brows at him.

He sighed again. "Eddie, it is possible to realize that you're gay in your 30s and there is nothing wrong-"

Oh. Oh, damn. Eddie had forgotten to come out to Chimney.

Well, this was awkward.

After Hen and Karen at the party and Bobby over Grant-Nash-Buckley dinner - that Buck always dragged him along to (though obviously Eddie went willingly and gratefully) - like a week or so ago, Eddie had kind of assumed he'd got everyone covered.

Except for Christopher. Which Eddie didn't want to think about right now because it still made him feel guilty that he wasn't the first to know. But with everything that had gone down, with Eddie not being able to say it to his face right now-

He didn't want to make things worse. Not opening a new wound before they had mended the old. Eddie needed to win Christopher's trust again before he could even come close to the prospect of talking about dating people.

Not that his sexuality wasn't first and foremost about himself - May had opened his eyes in that regard - but that was the thing. It was about Eddie. And what he needed to focus on right now was Christopher.

So, no, Eddie wasn't planning on coming out to his son over a lagging video call while he was in a whole other state with Eddie's parents that would definitely try to keep him there forever if Chris told them.

But he would. As soon as he could hold him again, Eddie would.

He'd promised himself that much.

"-I know it is probably scary to realize such a big part of who you are later in life than most people-"

Which brought Eddie back to the problem at hand. "Chim."

"Just know that we all support you and are here for you-"

"Chim, I am demisexual. I already know that," Eddie interrupted him, effectively and visibly knocking the wind out of his sails as he stopped mid-sentence, raised finger frozen in the air as he stared back at Eddie. "Everyone kind of...knows..."

"You're telling me," Chim started carefully, words incredibly slow as he spoke, "that my best friend and my wife have all been aware of this for-"

"A few weeks?" Eddie offered.

"-weeks, and no one thought to fill me in on it?" Chim grabbed the coffee that Eddie had gotten for Buck, drinking a large sip before pulling a face and staring at it in disgust.

"Yeah, sorry about that," Eddie apologized, trying to bite back a small smile. "To be fair, I thought that you knew. But, yes, I already went through the whole freaking out stage. Thanks for the moral support though."

Dictionary picture 'confusion' was right back on Chimney's face. "But if you weren't freaking out because of that, what were you freaking out about?"

Eddie opened his mouth. Telling Buck that I am in love with him.

He never got to say it though. Not before the bell rang, sending Chim and Eddie down the stairs, following Hen and Buck into the engine where Eddie couldn't help but notice that Buck didn't sit on his usual seat right across from Eddie. He sat diagonally to him.

Not beside him, not in front. No shoulders or legs brushing.

And as much as Eddie wanted to lean over to tell him, "we need to talk", Buck didn't even look in his direction. Yeah. This was gonna be a fun shift.

It wasn't necessary for Bobby to explain what had happened at the scene they arrived at. In fact, Eddie - and all the others - had a pretty good guess.

"Okay, everyone see the parking garage?" Bobby asked, pointing ahead at what was nothing but ash and debris, crumbled in on itself like a building after an earthquake.

"What parking garage?" Buck huffed, eyes narrowed as he tried to see past the dust filing into the air.

Bobby nodded like Buck had a good point, not wasting any more time than necessary as he faced each of them. "Dispatch got multiple calls when the structure collapsed. Ignored building regulations, most likely."

"Where do you want us, Cap?" Hen asked, already grabbing her med kit and handing Eddie his own.

Bobby pointed them in two different directions. "Hen, Chim, you'll go answer the distress call from the entry point, a woman and her son trapped in their car. Eddie, Buck, I want you two to make your way to the center, find as many victims as you can and get them out of there."

"Copy that."

"I'll wait for the next station to arrive, send them after you as soon as possible for backup," Bobby added. "And all of you-"

They turned around to look at Bobby.

"-this thing will continue to collapse, so don't waste any time down there, got it?"

Eddie nodded, swallowing around the lump in his throat as he tried not to think of 4ft of mud collapsing right on top of him. "Copy that, Cap."

The weight on his chest felt heavier than usual as he carried his gear, his breathing coming out a little more difficult too despite only wearing a helmet. But this was alright. Eddie tried to calm himself, thinking of jell-o. Everything was gonna be alright.

This wasn't even close to the situation from a few years ago, not even the same kind of surroundings. There was no kid stuck in a pipe, no storm brewing around them and no lightning flashing across the sky.

There were no wrong names in his will, no doubts about Christopher being accounted for and everything was gonna be alright.

They had done riskier things- they did riskier things on the job every single day and Eddie really had no clue why there were warning sirens going off in his head right now.

"Eddie," Buck urged him on, pulling him out of his train of thought with a hand on his shoulder. "Come on."

Right. This was the reason.

It was Buck.

Because normally, when danger practically screamed into Eddie's face, one of them was holding the line that secured the other.

They didn't both run head first into it.

"Be careful," Eddie said before he could think the words over, earning him a concerned look from Buck in return. "I mean- duck your head. Uh, the ceiling’s falling apart over there."

Buck followed his gaze towards the remains of the parking garage where a ceiling wasn't even recognizable anymore considering everything had fallen apart. "Uh-huh. Sure. Now will you give me a hand and get those stones out of the way so we can check for victims?"

Yeah. Buck was far better at putting his all into this job even if it meant he had to pretend that everything was normal between them.

"Of course."

They managed to find two people, both separately stuck under parts of the ceiling, before one of them - a woman in her 30s - told them that she'd heard someone call for help the moment the ground began to shake.

"Are you sure?" Eddie asked, looking around. "I think we went through this entire floor-" the three floors that had come crashing down into one "-and there was no one there."

"No," the woman replied, shaking her head. "It didn't come- it was quieter, I think- I think it came from below."

Eddie turned his head towards Buck, seeing the color drain from his face. Buck reached for his radio. "Cap, is there an underground floor?"

Silence. It stretched one for about three seconds before Bobby’s voice filled it. "Buck, Eddie, get out of there."

"It sounded like a kid," the woman said again, her voice close to a sob as the other man they had saved slung an arm around her. "Oh god. How did this even happen?"

They were lucky that not more people had been in the parking garage, courtesy of a late night Tuesday. But the woman was right. It shouldn't have happened.

Eddie hoped that Chim and Hen had managed to get the rest of the people out on the other side. That everyone else was safe and accounted for because Eddie was about to do something very stupid.

When he looked at Buck though-

He knew that he had the same idea. "Buck, no."

"You're not going down there alone," he replied insistently, tucking their only form of communication hastily into his pocket before turning the lights of his helmet on. "We promised, remember?"

Eddie hesitated, glancing at the two people they had saved. They still looked shaken up. "Can you find your way out of here?"

The woman perked up, more strands of brown, ashy hair falling out of her bun as she nodded. "Are you gonna save the kid?"

Buck's hand found Eddie's lower arm, holding on carefully. He never wanted him to let go. "We will try. But you need to do something for me first."

"You saved us," the man said and Eddie noticed that at some point his fingers had intertwined with those of the woman. He had no idea if they'd known each other before this but something told him that if not, they would get to. Because of them. "We’ll do anything."

"Go find Captain Bobby Nash," Buck finished Eddie's request like he'd read his thoughts which - knowing him - he probably had. "If you see anything crumble, anything fall, tell him exactly where we parted ways."

"Isn't that what you have your walkie talkies for?" The man asked, not reluctant but confused. He looked around, already memorizing the location.

"It is," Eddie agreed. "But in case things do come down, in case anything goes wrong-"

"-we need a safety net-" Buck continued.

"-so we have more time."

Buck looked back at Eddie, giving him a small nod. Okay then. It came out in a whisper, a promise, only for Eddie to hear, "I got your back."

They’d be okay.

"We’ll do our best." The sentence hadn't fully left the victim’s mouths before Buck loosened his grip on Eddie’s arm and hurried forward, knowing blind that Eddie would follow.

And of course he did.

He always would.

Or you can have mine.

Where wading through stones and debris had been difficult before, finding the way down to another floor proved to be even harder. It didn't help that so much white dust filled the air that Eddie could barely see anything, the only thing in his vision being Buck's outline. And even he was a little too quick on his feet. "Wait a second."

Buck stopped immediately, turning around to face Eddie. "Hm?"

"We can't get separated," Eddie explained shortly, reaching for the red rope they carried around to move things out of the way if necessary, securing it around himself before stepping forward. "Come here."

If Eddie didn't know better, it almost sounded like Buck's breath gave out the moment he reached forward to tie the other end of the rope around his waist, leaning into the touch of his palms for as long as Eddie let them linger - one, two, three seconds before pulling back.

"We should try the staircase," Buck said suddenly before Eddie could step back, his body right in line with his own. "Even if we can't find the ramp down, the stairs could still be intact."

Eddie thought about it for a moment, glancing at the blinking, green "ESCAPE" sign tossed onto the floor with a clear-cut footprint on top. The arrow pointed to the left. "Earthquake style."

"Only in the opposite direction this time, without an elevator shaft," Buck agreed. "It’s our best shot."

"Okay." Eddie nodded, stepping in front of Buck. "You're right."

"Ain’t I always."

It was a teasing statement, a joke, but Eddie could hear nothing but the truth in it, no matter how much he wanted to jab back. So he stayed silent as he guided them to the door partly blocked by remnants of ceiling.

Bobby's voice sounded through the radio again. "Buck, Eddie, get out of there. Do you copy?"

"There's someone left in here, Cap," Buck replied, stepping to the side as Eddie kicked the door in, its falling sound echoing ominously.

The staircase leading down still looked mostly intact - on the bright side. What used to be the stairs leading up wasn't recognizable as such anymore though. All of it was laying in front of their feet.

"It's too dangerous," Bobby warned. As if to prove his point, another big stone fell from the top, right in front of Eddie’s feet, nearly hitting his head. "Get out. Now. This is an order."

Eddie watched Buck who glanced at their way leading down into complete darkness. He wouldn't back down. Not when they were this close. Eddie reached for his own radio. "We'll be out in a minute, Cap."

Before Buck could protest, Eddie grabbed his hand in what he told himself was a safety measure, when in reality, he really just needed the weight of it as he led them downstairs. "Since when do you break rules?"

Eddie stared at him, momentarily pausing on the stairs, the light of his helmet lighting Buck's face. There was a teasing smile visibly tugging at the corners of his lips, no matter how much he tried to bite it back, pupils small in the direct exposure to the brightness. His stubble was decked in particles of ash and dust, cheeks flushed from the sweat.

He looked gorgeous. Like always. "Since I decided to kiss my best friend."

This time, he was quite certain, the flush wasn't due to sweat. Eddie didn't wait for a response before he continued to drag Buck along, eyes adjusting to the darkness.

"Hello? Is someone down here?" Buck yelled as soon as they stepped onto steady ground - more or less.

This couldn't be the entire underground floor. While it had taken quite a while to make their way through all the chaos - above them now - the space they’d just stepped into was…small.

What probably used to be a large amount of additional parking spots was now a single room to walk into, entirely surrounded by ceiling, debris and stone that secluded it from the rest, filling it up to the top.

The only thing left of the underground floor was a single car, roof pushed down by another large stone.

Shit.

Eddie only realized he was still holding Buck’s hand when he squeezed it, a sorry expression on his face as Eddie went to look. We’re too late.

But then-

"Help!" It was quiet and faint but Buck must’ve heard it too because he pushed forward immediately, right to the car. It did indeed sound like a child. A coughing, scared, little child. "I am stuck!"

They didn't have the jaws of life with them - too complicated of a carry - but Eddie could see exactly where the problem lay. While the roof had an inward dent, it didn't look like it actually injured the kid inside, at least as Eddie got closer. A boy, not older than thirteen, with a pale face and a terrified expression banged his fists against the window, trying to slam his weight against the car door.

Yeah, he wasn't wrong. It was stuck. "Buck-"

"On it," he replied, picking up a pointy stone from the ground. "Shield your face!"

The boy did, turning his body as far away as he could in the tightly squeezed space of the car, arms in front of his eyes. Buck didn't waste a second to break the glass, stripping off his jacket to hastily cover the remaining shards on the door before reaching out his arms. "I've got you, I've got you."

"My mom-" the boy sobbed as soon as he held onto Buck, trying to hold still as he dragged him out. "-she just wanted to grab something from the store and then- it all just, I don't-"

"It's gonna be okay," Eddie promised, unsure if he could keep it, checking on the boy as soon as Buck set him down. He was damn lucky. First, for being in the only car in this underground floor to not get swallowed by the ceiling and secondly, for seemingly coming out of it entirely unscathed.

There was a small cut on his leg - probably from climbing out the window where Buck's jacket hadn't fully covered everything - but other than his pale complexion and constant coughing, he would be fine. "What's your name?"

"Ben," he replied, clearly shaken up. "Ben Green. Have you seen my mom?"

"We'll go look for her as soon as we're out of here," Eddie assured him, not bothering to treat the cut down here. They'd do a better job at it outside, safe from crumbling buildings. This would only waste time they didn't have. "You were the last one."

Ben seemed to hesitate for a moment, looking around them - the walls of stones surrounding the space in which they were standing. "There were people walking to their cars when things fell down."

Eddie bit his lip, trying to inhale slowly through his nose, even if the polluted air wasn't all that great. They had saved a kid. He needed to focus on that. A kid would live another day. Black tags weren't something productive to think about right now.

"Come on, we'll get you out of here."

Ben nodded, a last glance towards the crushed car that Eddie still couldn't believe he'd survived in, before squeezing in front of Buck and Eddie. That was another good thing about it, he supposed. If that kid had ended up with a broken leg or, worse yet, internal bleeding, Eddie had no idea how they would've gotten him up those very wonky stairs, climbing over pieces of the ones from - what used to be - above.

But he was okay. They'd all be okay. No storms, no lightning, no 4ft of mud and certainly no sniper.

"Watch your step," Eddie warned as Ben reached the top before them, sneaking through the door that Buck had kicked in. He was smiling in relief, turning around to look back and Eddie was just starting to see lights appearing behind him. Lights that he knew belonged to the helmet of another firefighter, someone he couldn't make out in the distance.

He saw that the boy was safe and that was the last thing Eddie remembered before the floor began to shake - suddenly, violently - as first a pebble fell in front of his feet, then another and at once-

Everything came down. And as Buck stumbled back, the rope still attached to Eddie's waist, he found himself falling backwards, right back down the stairs, rolling, arms hitting a wall, then another, before crashing right into Buck and-

"Are you okay?" Buck asked, panic laced into every word as he tried to get up beside him, a wince echoing faintly in Eddie's ear. What had just...jesus. What just happened? Eddie blinked, pressing his palm to his head, a blurry face looking down on him.

Lightning blue, pink birthmark, even pinker lips. Buck.

Eddie pushed himself up to sit, staring first at Buck and then slowly into the direction of where he was pretty sure they'd just climbed up to, to where he was sure they'd just reached the ground floor again before they...fuck.

"We're trapped," Eddie concluded, his arms and legs aching as he stared at the staircase. The staircase that was filled up from floor to ceiling with stone and debris and every fucking building material that they had used to build this parking garage up, every building material that surrounded them now and trapped them in a small space with no way of getting back out.

Bobby's voice sounding from the radio was a saving grace. "Please tell me you two got out of there in time and I haven't just witnessed what I think I have witnessed."

Buck scrambled for his radio that had apparently survived the fall with only a little dent. Unlike Eddie's own it seemed, since there was no sound coming from that thing, which looked like it had been crushed by a motor truck ever since he sat up. "Bobby, we're stuck."

"Of course you are." Bobby sounded like he was mentally drafting his talk to both of them in his head. Already. "We're on our way."

Eddie was pretty sure that Bobby and the others weren't cleared to go even near the parking garage after what had just happened. But Eddie also never had any doubts about their friends ignoring that warning in an instant. He'd do the same thing.

They'd just need to stick it out until-

"Eddie," Buck said, voice dangerously hushed and timid.

Eddie followed his gaze. Not that it was all that necessary since he could feel it a second later as well. The fluid on his hands, shoes and legs where he still sat, as it surrounded them. Water. The pipe in the wall - ceiling? - had broken.

"Cap." Buck clicked the button on his radio. "You might want to hurry."

Silence.

Buck slammed his palm against the device. "Cap, do you copy?"

More silence.

Great. Their only form of communication? Gone. Their surroundings? Slowly filling up with water. Their chances to make it out of here alive? Growing increasingly fucking lower by the second.

And if all of that wasn't bad enough- "This is my fault."

"Are you kidding me?" Eddie snapped at Buck. He didn't mean to. It was supposed to come out reassuringly, kind, a promise that this was, in fact, not Buck's fault. But he was looking at Eddie like a kicked puppy, his legs shaking as he went to stand and Eddie just- he couldn't deal with it. "How is this your fault?"

"I didn't stop you from going down here!"

"And I didn't stop you from following me!" Eddie argued back, standing up too, if only to meet Buck on eye level. Or to escape the water rising to his shins. "If anything, this is my fault! Everything about this is my fault!"

"It's not-"

Eddie cut him off. "Oh yeah? We're probably gonna die down here. I dragged you into this and now Christopher won't even have- he's not gonna- fuck."

"We'll make it out of here. Bobby is already-"

"And what if not?" Eddie asked back, too tired to fight the tears welling up in his eyes, the pictures of his son flashing through his mind - all at once - his smile, his brightness, his everything that was too good for Eddie. "I'm gonna leave him twice, just like his mother, and he'll still hate me. I'll be dead and he'll hate me and he's not even gonna have you!"

Buck grabbed Eddie's wrists, holding them still and only then did Eddie realize that he was flaring his hands. "Christopher doesn't hate you. He may be angry right now and he may continue to be angry later, but he doesn't hate you."

"How do you know?"

"Because I have common sense and you're not a bad father," Buck replied, staring into Eddie's eyes like a storm brewing on the horizon. "And I had shitty parents, Eddie. Heck, even if you won't admit it, I am pretty sure you did too-"

Like a damn looking glass.

"-You are allowed to make mistakes but they don't erase how incredible you've been outside of them. Chris loves you. So much. Just like you do. And you're not gonna die before you can tell him that."

Eddie swallowed.

"We're gonna make it out of here."

"Okay," Eddie breathed out, nodding. "Okay, yes. We need to- let's try and see if we can move the stones away."

Buck opened his mouth to reply. Eddie saw it, could hear the sound of a syllable he couldn't make out. But he didn't. His mouth stayed open for long, stretching seconds before Eddie noticed that the white ash of the remnants covering Buck's cheeks wasn't all that made him look pale.

And when Buck's eyes trailed down, down, down right to his ribs, Eddie saw where all the blood had gone to. He saw the shard of copper - the piece missing from the pipe - sticking right out of Buck's body, coloring his shirt - no longer secured by a jacket - in a much darker blue.

"I'm okay," Buck said instinctively, trying to meet Eddie's eyes again while Eddie could do nothing but to keep staring at it until - quickly - he reminded himself that he was a paramedic, that he had his med kit attached right to his belt loops with a carabina and that this one, at least, had survived the fall. "It's gonna be okay."

"Don't 'it's gonna be okay' me," Eddie replied, desperately zipping his bag open, fingers shaking as he pulled out the compression bandage. "You just said that we're gonna make it out of here and we will."

Buck stumbled, losing his balance so quickly that Eddie barely had time to catch him, holding him up with one arm while he used his teeth to pull the bandage apart with the other. "I'm fine."

"You're a terrible fucking liar."

"Just-" Buck started, wincing in pain when Eddie secured the piece of copper in place with the bandage, making sure it couldn't move, couldn't draw too much blood. The water was up to their knees now. "-Try to move the stones. Try to get out of here. You might be able to squeeze through if you get that- that large one on the side-"

"No," Eddie interrupted him, shaking his head without even thinking about it.

Somehow it felt like the water was rising faster all of a sudden. Maybe, though, Eddie just couldn't distinguish the feeling of water from that of blood. Not when all he could look at was Buck.

"Eddie." Buck said his name like a plea, like hope for salvation. "You need to get out of here."

"Not without you," Eddie replied. "Never without you."

"Chris needs-"

Eddie didn't let him finish. "Chris needs you too!"

It was quiet between them for a moment, the trembling in Eddie's fingertips not even stilled through his clingy hold onto Buck's back, gripping his shirt. Maybe it was the adrenaline, maybe the cold water. Maybe it was just every cell in his body quivering in fear at the idea of - not dying but - seeing the love of his life become still in his own arms.

And that's what he was. Of course that was what Buck was to him and so much more. His partner, his best friend, his love, his life, his sun, the good in the world and his lifeline. The person he'd try to find at the depths of every ocean, would endure thousands of lightning strikes for, just to see a single smile, the one he trusted with his heart, his son, his will - legally and literally in every sense of the word, for death and for life.

And yet Eddie hadn't told him. He hadn't told him one single time, because he was afraid of...what? Rejection?

That seemed like the least of his problems right now. The fear of Buck not wanting the same thing out of this as he did, the fear that kissing didn't mean to him what it did to Eddie, the fear of losing Buck to his damn feelings when trying to keep them from him was the only thing that had ever separated them and Eddie was damned if-, no, unwilling to never say it at all.

"I guess we shouldn't have broken any rules after all, huh?" Buck whispered, a cold puff of air escaping his mouth with the words. Eddie didn't feel the condensation against his lips, not like he had when it had been warm. When Buck had been warmer.

"I love you."

Buck's pulse felt faster under Eddie's fingertips - the hand he had rested between his shoulder and neck. For security, Eddie had told himself. Not to make sure he was still alive.

"I love you," he repeated, trying to drown out - not drown in - the water rising up to their hips, touching the wound at Buck's side. He held him closer. "Kissing you wasn't breaking the rules, Buck, it was breaking free of them. I am in love with you."

Buck's eyes were wide but he didn't reply- couldn't reply when suddenly, all at once, one of the walls broke away. Not the one where the exit had been, but a different one, the one behind them where the car still stood done for. It crumbled in on itself, light bursting into their vision and Eddie could hear voices, saw sparks from a jaw, and hands pushing stones to the side.

"This one, take this one!"

"You got it!"

"I see them!"

Eddie couldn't remember how it happened. All he knew was that suddenly, once the wall vanished in front of them, the water flooded right past too, though with too much force to not carry them with it.

It was quick, rushing, and while Eddie had just held onto Buck, he lost his grip and as soon as he did his body lost any sort of balance too and there was so much rumble, too much of it, and right as Eddie managed to make out Bobby's face from afar, his head-

He hit something.

That's all he remembered.

Because as soon as he did, everything went dark.

Chapter Text

It took quite a lot of pushing and prodding to convince his parents of letting him join the pool club - "practice is twice a week and after school, Eddie, and all those events on the weekends…who will drive you there?" - but after many, many arguments and the good graces of Abuela's words through the phone each time she called, Eddie finally found himself in the locker rooms.

"You did track before this, didn't you, Diaz?" One of the guys asked as he stripped off his shirt, which Eddie found himself transfixed by for just a second too long before he averted his gaze back to the lockers.

"Yeah, in middle school," Eddie explained, humming as he combed through his stuff, searching for his swim cap. "Thought about keeping at it, but swimming seemed more appealing."

"Because we have the better sweaters," another guy - David - joked.

"Because we have the better sweaters," Eddie confirmed, continuing to keep his gaze away from any and all naked bodies. "Still waiting for mine."

And of course it wasn't just about the sweaters. Eddie wouldn't have fought with his parents because of stupid fabrics or swearing to actually get his driver's license just so his parents didn't have to drive him each time – even though his heart threatened to beat out of his chest whenever he so much as sat behind a wheel.

His friends were in the swim club too, for one thing. The ones that complained about the fact that their school didn't have a rugby team.

Eddie liked water, for another. And it shouldn't be surprising to his parents, really, because he spent almost all summer at their lake, swimming and drawing, sometimes alone and other times with friends or his sisters.

He'd taught Adriana!

But it wasn't just about liking swimming - though of course he did. Because every time Eddie let his arms break through the water, dunked under, holding his breath, he was able to forget for at least a little while.

About how annoying his parents were, how badly his grades had dropped, how much he missed his abuela and how he did not want to watch his sisters every single day whenever his dad decided to stay away overtime while his mother cooked and cleaned and insisted that she didn't have time right now.

Holding his breath was a skill that Eddie hadn't learned by diving.

"I think it should have arrived by now," David mused. The sound of a locker thrown shut made Eddie startle. "Coach will probably give it to you after training."

"Probably." Eddie nodded, finally changing into his trunks too. Coach Williams didn't like it when they shit-chatted in the locker rooms; too much time lost that they could spend on improving their condition.

Eddie wasn't insecure about his body. Far from it, actually. One positive about putting all his frustration into working out was that it resulted in well defined muscles. However, that didn't make him anymore comfortable to meet the other guy's eyes while getting changed.

Especially because he knew what words it would accompany if he dared to have too much eye contact. Better none than hearing it out of his friends' mouths.

"Alright, let's go."

Eddie was the newest addition to the swim team. He was also one of the two only seniors to join this year instead of Freshman year, and while the other guys had been welcoming - the training demanding but not unbearably so - Eddie had a feeling that coach Williams didn't like him all too much.

It was more of a hunch, honestly. He didn't really have any proof for it, only a few harsh words and eye rolls to go by but-

All things came back down to the sweater.

Eddie had been on the team for three weeks now - six training days and one weekend practice - and while everyone else had already gotten the team sweater and, alongside that, the coach's respect, apparently, Eddie still found himself waiting.

David and the other guys insisted that it was because he saw potential in Eddie and wanted to test him on his durability but…

"Diaz, quit throwing slumber parties, braiding your hair in the locker rooms and get in the water!"

A hunch. Just like Eddie had said.

He sighed. "Yes, Coach."

The training wasn't all too different from what they'd been doing so far, except for the fact that they were focusing more on improving speed and flawless transitions now that their first competition was right around the corner – next week.

Coach Williams was still being a jerk, Eddie was still swallowing it down - while putting his frustration into motion - and everyone else was still out of breath by the time they stepped out of the pool.

The one thing that was different, was the person standing on the edge, waiting with crossed arms, as Eddie's hair clung to his forehead, water dripping down his chest.

"Shannon?"

Her eyes widened in surprise for a moment, lips melting into a smile. "Eddie? You're on the swim team?"

"Yeah, are- wow!" Eddie stumbled over his words, feeling his cheeks warm from exhaustion or being flustered, he wasn't quite sure. "Are you?"

"On the girl's team, yeah!" She agreed. "We usually practice Tuesdays and Fridays but I thought I'd get some extra work in."

"Totally!"

And then they just…stared at each other. Eddie wasn't sure for how long, or if it was awkward – too focused on bright blues and the question of how on earth all her hair fit under that swim cap.

But it wasn't uncomfortable. Far from it. Eddie hadn't seen Shannon since the summer at the lake and she looked older now, but still beautiful. Always beautiful.

David whistled. "Diaz, didn't know you have a girlfriend!"

Shannon blushed.

"We're not dating," Eddie explained simply, looking back at him only to see muscles and wet hair and – nope. He stared right back at Shannon, offering her a small smile. "But, uh- it would be nice to catch up?"

"Give me your phone," Shannon said and Eddie didn't even think about it, rushing straight to the lockers to grab it, nearly tripping, before handing it right over only for Shannon to chuckle in amusement. "And unlock it?"

"Right." Eddie felt his cheeks flush. He was vaguely aware of the rest of his teammates passing them by with some comments and more whistles, but it really wasn't something he was focused on at that moment. He unlocked it. "Here."

Shannon hummed softly, pressing the keys of the small phone until she seemed satisfied, pushing it back against his chest. Naked chest.

Her hand was warm. "Call me in three hours? I know a burger place."

Eddie couldn't help the grin from spreading on his face. "Yes."

And then there was silence again – not uncomfortable; he could say that for sure this time. It was quiet, the rippling of the water in the pool floating in small waves, the smell of chlorine still stanching Eddie's nose and making his eyes burn ever so slightly.

He wasn't a big fan of wearing goggles for that reason. The burn was a good excuse to get the tears out that he'd normally refuse from shedding.

Not that he had a reason to cry now - not today. Not with Shannon standing right in front of him and inviting him to a – date?

He was pulled out of his train of thought when Coach Williams came back from the restroom; the place he'd rushed off to after declaring the training over for today. "Diaz, why are you not getting changed?"

"Sorry, Coach!" Eddie apologized, wincing internally at how high pitched his voice sounded around the words. "I'll be off."

William looked between Shannon and him for a second and his face did something weird. That's the only way Eddie could describe it. Because he had never seen the guy actually smile. It was a little disturbing.

"Shannon, I told you that you could start practicing already. No need to wait for everyone to rush out."

Eddie frowned as Shannon smiled back, waving the Coach off. "Oh, no, I was just saying hi to Eddie! We're -" she paused, hesitating. "Friends."

"You know the coach?" Eddie whispered.

"Yeah, he's married to my coach. Has he never mentioned it?"

Considering Eddie had classified the guy as a sad and bitter single with a weird addiction to collecting rubber ducks-

No.

No, he had not mentioned that.

The Coach directed a curious look towards Eddie, humming. "I see."

"Alright, uh," Eddie started, rubbing his neck before he took another few steps towards the doors to the locker rooms, spinning around once more. "I'll call you."

"Diaz, before I forget," Coach Williams called before Eddie could vanish. "Your sweater arrived. I'll get it for you."

Oh.

That was…surprising. The smile was directed at him now. It had never been directed at him. But it looked honest.

Eddie didn't understand what brought about the change at first – only that it must have something to do with Shannon. Later though, some more weeks into training, he got an idea. An idea that confirmed that it really wasn't about her and more so about what she represented for Eddie.

Because while his teammates had never said the word, Coach Williams had; what he thought Eddie to be before he saw him with Shannon and realized that he was straight after all.

And while his teammates had never said the word, they laughed at it then. They clapped his shoulder, snorted at the idea, said, "What? Eddie? That's ridiculous."

So what else was he supposed to do other than swallow the bitter taste in his throat and nod. Because, yeah. It would be ridiculous, wouldn't it?

He didn't have to keep thinking about it any longer. He had Shannon now. She was proof enough and Eddie liked her.

He might love her too.

Either way, the one thing he knew was that he wanted to spend his life with her. Everything else was less than important.

So a month into dating, Eddie asked Shannon to be his girlfriend and she said yes. It's when they first kissed too and it was…nice.

Eddie definitely wasn't an expert at it and considering he had his first and only kiss - before her - when he was sixteen years old, there was nothing shocking about it. But he liked being close to Shannon.

She was soft, sweet and her lips always tasted like the vanilla chap-stick she had insisted was world changing on their very first date at that burger place.

Her eyes always found Eddie's when he didn't know what to say, summoning the words like she could see past a wall that Eddie couldn't climb. She was pretty, amazing, the only girl that Eddie had ever laid eyes on, no matter how many others tried to flirt with him at competitions or in the school hallways after their team brought back a trophy.

She picked him up and drove him to school when Eddie lied that he was too tired to possibly get behind a wheel, preparing two coffees for them in compensation, even though he was pretty sure Shannon always saw right through him.

Sophia had been surprised when Eddie introduced Shannon to his family for the first time. Adriana had not been.

His parents were still…warming up to her.

And it was good. Things were, for the first time in a long time, actually looking up. His grades were better – thanks to Shannon's incredible tutoring abilities and kiss-reward-system. His swimming was at its top game too and while Eddie still felt like drowning sometimes, Shannon was right there with him to pull him out in time.

Just like now. Half a year into dating.

"Do you ever think about it?" She asked - whispered rather - while they cuddled on Eddie's bed, hair sprawling out against his chest.

"Hm?" Eddie asked back, absentmindedly brushing his fingertips up and down her back.

"What it would be like to leave," Shannon answered after a moment, her voice a bit distant. "Just pack your things and start a new life."

Eddie had. Many times. "Do you?"

Shannon hummed, carefully tracing the fingers of his free hand before intertwining them with her own. "Mom has been talking about moving to Los Angeles for quite some time. Not now but…at some point. Maybe in a few years."

"Oh," Eddie said, not sure what to make of that. "Would you go…with her?"

"Maybe we could," Shannon replied cautiously. "I mean, it's nothing we have to think about right now and I know you don't want to leave Sophia and Adriana behind but…what do you want to do when they are older?"

Eddie had lived for his sisters for so long that this question caught him embarrassingly off guard. What did he want to do with his life? Where did he want to go?

He had no answer to any of those questions. All Eddie knew was that, ever since he was a child, he had been struggling to keep this unbearable feeling in his chest from tugging him forward, animating him to run. He'd never gone far. Not in all his years.

But he wanted to. Maybe he had always wanted to. "I want to be with you."

He could feel Shannon's smile against his chest, even through the shirt, her hand pressing his firmly. "Yeah?"

"Yeah," Eddie agreed, unable to fight his own smile. "In a few years, once we're able to leave all the responsibilities here in El Paso, nothing holding us back, let's leave together."

Shannon kissed him. A soft press of lips that lingered and that Eddie melted into. They tasted like vanilla and familiarity, as always. "I love you."

Eddie blinked his eyes open. "You do?"

She looked shy all of a sudden - an expression that rarely crossed her face - as her cheeks turned red. "I didn't mean to say that."

"But you do?" Eddie grinned.

Shannon shut him up with another kiss, cradling his cheeks while Eddie pulled her into his lap, kissing her back. "You heard nothing."

"Oh, but I did," Eddie mumbled against her lips, their kisses turning into nothing but smiles pressing against each other. She pulled back just to playfully glare at him, swatting his shoulder.

Eddie liked her so much. "I love you too."

There was no need to take this love apart piece by piece underneath a microscope, try and see all the small components that made it whole. Because Eddie felt it. And he felt it for her.

Somehow that was enough.

Chapter Text

Eddie woke up to blinding, sterile lights that were cool instead of warm. His head was aching, limbs heavy and the covers crackled under every small movement that he made as he attempted to sit up, blinking.

Yeah. There was no doubt as to where he was. Still, Eddie couldn't help from struggling to connect the dots.

"He's awake!" That was Bobby's voice. It was also his face as he got up out of the hospital chair, staring him down with a simultaneously relieved and mad expression. "How are you feeling?"

Eddie's mouth felt dry. How was he feeling? One second he'd been trapped underground, holding Buck as he bled out into his palm, confessing his love for him and the next- "Buck."

It was a question and yet Eddie couldn't manage to form it as one. He blinked again, willing his vision to get clearer, less blurry, as he stared at Bobby's face.

"He's okay."

Eddie hadn't even noticed how desperately he'd held his breath, almost falling back into his pillow with the force of how hard he exhaled. "Where is he?"

"Recovering from surgery in his own room," Bobby explained, pausing as he sat down at the foot of Eddie's bed, the fond sigh unmistakable. "After I dragged him out of here."

Buck had been here? In this room? He'd checked in on Eddie? How long…

"You've hit your head pretty hard," Bobby explained, reading his expression. "You were out of it for the better half of fifteen hours, but…how do you feel?"

"As good as someone who got buried alive - again - then nearly drowned - again - and then promptly passed out."

"So you do remember." Bobby nodded, satisfied. "That's good."

Eddie winced. Yeah, that was definitely code for - you'll never hear the end of it from me as soon as you've recovered.

That's when it hit Eddie, all of a sudden. He'd been asleep for fifteen hours. And it was Monday. "Chris-"

"Buck called him," Bobby explained, holding his hand up in a reassuring gesture. "He told him that you couldn't make it today but that he shouldn't worry, that you would call him back as soon as you were off your demanding shift."

Of course Buck was aware that Eddie didn't want to unnecessarily worry Christopher. Of course he'd make sure that he was okay when Eddie couldn't.

Eddie loved him so much that it hurt. Both of them.

"Where is my phone?" Eddie asked, already mentally going over the ‘I have a dangerous job' conversation in his head again as he looked around the room, trying not to wince at how much his head spun from a simple turn.

Bobby got it out of his own pocket of all places, holding it out of reach when Eddie tried to grab it. "Not when you have a possible concussion."

Eddie glared at him.

"Do you want to scare your son with your eyebags and bruises?" Bobby asked, already knowing the answer. Eddie leaned back. "I get wanting to see him after what you just went through, but that's something we really have to talk about, Eddie."

"Me missing my kid?" Eddie huffed.

Bobby leveled him with a serious gaze. "Your work life balance. I respected your wish not to see a therapist again, which is exactly why I gave you the name of my church, but if you don't even do that-"

"I did speak to Father Brian," Eddie interrupted him, taking just a little pleasure in the way Bobby's eyebrows shot up in surprise. "And you were right, Bobby. It helped. Probably not for the same reasons as it does for you but…it helped clear some things up."

"Okay," Bobby said, clearly at a loss for words. He opened his mouth, closed it again, before straightening his back. "This isn't me asking you as your Captain, it's me asking as your friend..."

Eddie nodded.

"What do I need to know about you and Buck acting first avoidant around each other and then doubling down in recklessness?"

One thing that Eddie wasn't always consciously aware of was just how big the role was that Bobby played in all of their lives. He was their friend, their Captain, sure.

But unlike Chim and Hen, Buck really leaned onto Bobby as someone that he never had growing up. A father. He had Maddie - as a sister and a mother - but never a positive male role model in his life and Eddie could relate to that, definitely, but it was different with Buck.

Buck chimned in on gift money with May and Harry on father's day, Bobby was Buck's second emergency contact next to Eddie and Maddie and Buck was invited to Grant-Nash dinner even when it was "family only", which Eddie knew simply because Buck invited him along to it too.

And before Eddie had become aware of it, their families had merged and he wasn't-

He wasn't quite sure what role Bobby played in his own life anymore. Because if Bobby was Buck's father and Eddie was in love with Buck…

Then Eddie was pretty sure that next to the stop-being-reckless talk - this time - he really was about to receive a whole other talk as well. But then again, Bobby had specifically made sure to clarify that he was asking as a friend, not his captain, which- "I think you already know."

Judging by Bobby's expression he did. But he didn't say it. Not directly. "You want to go see him, don't you?"

"If you don't give me that room number right now I will kick every door in this hospital in," Eddie agreed calmly.

So as soon as the doctor had checked on Eddie, making sure that he really was - more or less - okay, Eddie found himself knocking against the door of room 2.203. He didn't wait for an answer as he threw it wide open, heart stilling in his chest as he came face to face with not just Buck but Maddie too. And Athena. And May.

Considering he'd met Chim and Hen on their way to get coffee - as they explained - he was pretty sure that they had just been here too.

Still, when Eddie stepped into the room he couldn't manage to look at anyone other than Buck. His wide eyes, stubbled chin, mouth slightly agape when he stared back at Eddie before it slowly melted into a smile. "Hey."

"Hey," Eddie echoed.

He wasn't sure if Buck remembered. His expression didn't give anything away - not like it usually did - and it made Eddie admittedly nervous. Not that he had much time to analyze it or, God forbid, ask.

Because as soon as Eddie got close enough, he felt himself being pulled into a hug by May. "And you're an idiot too!"

The wording made Eddie think that she'd likely been in an active rant directed at Buck when he'd stormed in. Like father, like daughter and all; they'd probably teamed up.

Eddie sighed as he slung his arms around her, hugging her back. "Sorry about that."

May made him promise to tell anyone who asked that she did not sob, so- May did not cry. She did however heavily punch his shoulder as soon as he pulled back, glaring in that way that Eddie was only used to from Sophia.

He noticed Athena watching them out of the corner of her eye, a small humorous glimmer in her expression. A smile tugged at the corners of her mouth with fondness and exasperation.

"Eddie," Buck said suddenly, making Eddie snap his attention back to him in an instant. He was still lying in bed, wincing a little as he propped himself up with one hand.

His rip, Eddie thought, eyes trailing down but not seeing anything through the covers. He had to hold himself back not to rush forward and push them off himself, just to see if it was still bleeding. It wasn't. Obviously it wasn't. But Eddie had a feeling he wouldn't be able to believe it until he saw it with his own eyes, the phantom feeling of blood on his hands still too present.

But Buck was looking right at him, searching, and Eddie had taken a step forward after all even though he didn't mean to. He was standing at the foot of Buck's bed, leaving the women in the room behind him and he was meeting his eyes and Buck-

Buck looked like he was about to mention it; the elephant in the room. But then he closed his mouth. "Nothing. Just…I am glad you're okay."

Eddie swallowed. "I'm glad you're okay too." I thought I'd have to memorize every drop of blood you gave me. "Did Chris-"

"Yeah," Buck agreed, not needing to hear the rest of that sentence. "Chris isn't mad, not about this. But he-" Buck smiled softly. "He looked a little disappointed that he didn't get to talk to you."

Oh. Oh, that was progress. And Buck wouldn't lie about this so- Eddie mirrored his smile. "Thank you."

Buck waved him off. "For talking to my favorite Diaz? That's hardly a chore."

No, for knowing mine and my son's schedule by heart. For looking after me, for following me below the earth and being prepared to go 6ft deeper even though I have done nothing but send you mixed signals-

For letting me mess up our lives by telling you that I was in love with you when I thought we were both gonna die.

Because Eddie had done that. He'd never believe it if someone had told him this exact thing just months ago, but he really had. And now Buck was holding back any mention of it, because ignoring it was easier than telling Eddie that he didn't feel the same. Nothing.

Weirdly enough, Eddie appreciated it.

"For everything."

Eddie hated it when Buck and he went home to different places. He'd hated it after the tsunami, had hated it after the well and even though Buck stayed with him after the shooting, Eddie's had hated it just the same when he ultimately left after a few weeks still.

It wasn't where he belonged, not in Eddie's eyes, and yet this time he was almost grateful for it. The hospital stay had been horrible - though not as bad as Bobby's very long scolding - and after all the brain scans and loud beeping sounds of machines, Eddie couldn't wait to sleep in his own bed tonight.

Even if it was lonely. Even if it would stay that way forever.

Because Buck...

Throughout the entire stay they hadn't talked about it. Three days and no word about dying confessions. Part of Eddie had wondered, for a moment, if maybe Buck really just couldn't remember. If he'd been so out of it that Eddie's words hadn't registered in his head.

But then Eddie would sit on Buck's bed, holding his phone up as they face-timed Chris for as long as Eddie's mother let him, and he'd see the way Buck looked at him. He wasn't sure how to describe it. It wasn't so much a loving gaze or even something on the other spectrum, like a frown.

Buck stared at Eddie like he wanted to ask a question. Over gruesome hospital food that they shared because Eddie was a pro at sneaking out - thank you childhood - or while Eddie was engaging in conversation with their friends that triaged day and night, always at least one person in the room with them at all times.

And yet Buck never actually asked. In fact, Eddie wasn't sure what the question was supposed to be. He just knew it had to do with that day, with him and with them. Because every time that Buck didn't stare at Eddie like he kept all the secret to the universe locked away in his eyes, he furrowed his brows at Eddie's lips.

Never in a way that was obvious and as soon as Eddie caught him, he always looked away, but that was the point. He always caught him. And yet Buck never ever said anything about it. There was no need for Eddie to point out how uncharacteristic that was.

But at least that was one of the positive improvements. After nearly dying again they at least weren't fighting anymore. Buck wasn't going out of his way to ignore Eddie, there was no awkward tension between them despite the declaration of love hanging in the air between them, and everything seemed to be heading into a half-way normal direction again.

They were friends. They'd always be friends and they'd always forgive each other for nearly fucking that up. Whether that was through lawsuits or drunken make outs or backtracking out of other make outs because it was easier than saying "I can't possibly kiss you again while knowing that I'll always want more than what you can give me, just as you believe that this is not more than everything I desire."

And so they left for two different homes and Eddie almost felt grateful.

But the hate to be apart always overpowered the relief to not be seen.

So instead of actually enjoying the ability to sleep in his own bed tonight, Eddie lay awake for approximately two hours of tossing and turning and attempting to block out images of horror in his head before he aggressively pulled the covers back and sat down at his kitchen table.

He took a look at his phone.

2AM.

Not exactly a good time for coffee.

Eddie had a staring match with Hildy as he pressed the button, fully prepared to slam her to the ground in case she had a smartass remark for him again like, "Your caffeine intake is too high, do you still want me to prepare an espresso?" to which Eddie would threaten to snap her stupid cable.

But Hildy stayed quiet this time, for her own good, and Eddie hummed satisfied as he lifted his mug to his lips. Normally, when Eddie couldn't sleep, he would just bridge time by cleaning the house until it was at least 5AM, so he could drive to the firehouse early.

Only that now, after just being cleared by the doctor, Eddie still had that stupid sick note practically attached to his forehead. If he so much as dared to step foot anywhere near the station, Eddie was pretty sure Bobby would make good on his threat to force him into therapy again.

Besides, it was only three more weeks.

Three more weeks of ghosting through his house with no son to care for. No one to care for full-stop, because even if Eddie had Buck back, after what he'd said-

After telling him to go home and then telling him he loved him? He doubted Buck would show up on his doorstep anytime soon, if only to give things between them time to settle-

The doorbell rang.

Eddie blinked into his coffee for about a second, before hastily scrambling up, rushing over to his peep hole.

"Buck?" Eddie asked as he threw the door open, staring back at his best friend's face. His hair looked dishevelled, a black shirt hidden beneath his open jacket and he was wearing - what Eddie highly suspected to be - pyjama pants. "Why didn't you use your key?"

"Did you mean it?" Buck asked back, not even bothering to answer the question.

"Meant what?" Eddie knew exactly what he was talking about.

Buck stood frozen in his spot on the other side of the door, the warm hues of the porch light reflecting on his face, bouncing off his features like a golden hue. There were circles underneath his eyes; a testimony of the same inability to fall asleep that Eddie was suffering from and yet - after three days of silence - he didn't hesitate to finally ask, "Do you love me?"

"I do."

"Not just like a best friend?"

Eddie rolled his eyes. "Buck, you made me realize that I am queer. You're probably the first person I have actually fallen in love with, yes, I love-"

Buck stepped over the threshold to cup Eddie's cheeks and clash their lips together. Eddie startled in surprise, eyes wide before his brain caught up with his body, fisting his hands into the lapels of Buck's jacket and pulling him closer. Buck didn't taste like wine this time.

His lips were soft and warm and Eddie couldn't stop from melting into his touch as Buck walked Eddie backwards and inside, shutting the door behind him before pushing him up against the nearest wall and pinning him in place with a thigh between his legs. "You're really terrible at making that clear."

"I don't want to just hook up," Eddie panted against his lips, because even though Eddie was kiss-drunk right now and there was nothing more that he wanted then for Buck to start moving his fucking thigh against him to give him some friction - because god knows how hard Eddie got just now - he needed to say this.

This was the one damn condition that had held him back from ruining their friendship after the birthday incident, the one thing-

Buck took Eddie in at that, making him vaguely aware of the fact that he had been wearing nothing but boxers to bed and hadn't bothered to throw on a robe before getting the door. That wasn't what he was focused on right now though.

"Do you think that's what I want?" Buck asked, staring at him in disbelief. "Is that why you-"

He pulled back just enough for Eddie to see his face more clearly. "Eddie, what did you think all those dates were about?"

"You went on dates with someone?" Eddie asked back, frowning hard. Okay, so, not where he had expected this conversation to go after Buck basically shoved his tongue down his throat.

Buck gaped at him. "Yes! With you!"

Oh.

Oh-

"I thought you were just trying to keep us busy so we didn't have to talk about it!"

"And I thought when you told me to go home you regretted the kiss and I read the entire situation wrong!"

Eddie stared at him. "So you weren't mad at me?"

"Of course I wasn't!" Buck replied. "I just didn't want to make you uncomfortable, I-"

And Eddie couldn't help it. He couldn't hold it in, couldn't stop himself from it, so he just laughed. It was a mixture of relief, of tension seeping out of Eddie's shoulders where he hadn't realized any to be there in the first place and it was the knowledge that, yes, of course, if anyone could mess this simple thing up it was the two of them.

Except they hadn't messed it up. They actually hadn't. And when Buck joined in on the laughter, the sweetest sound to Eddie's ears, before resting his head on Eddie's shoulder as his chest practically vibrated with it, Eddie really failed to understand how he could've ever believed that this wasn't where all roads would lead to in the end.

Right back to each other.

"So do you want..." Eddie started as soon as he'd regained his breath, carefully tilting Buck's chin up to meet his eyes. Lightning blue. He loved to see the color up close, watching the way it always fell right back to Eddie's lips. "This? Me?"

Buck kissed him softly. "I want every fucking atom of your being."

Eddie's erection had flagged there for a moment, but that line was enough to make him go back to half-mast in an instant. He hummed against Buck's mouth, gently nibbling on his bottom lip. "I don't think we've gotten to that part of the powerpoint presentation yet."

It was meant to be a joke, but Buck still pulled back to muster his face. "We don't have to rush any-"

Eddie shut him up with a kiss, pulling him in by curling his fingers around his waist as he let his tongue slip into Buck's mouth, grinding against his leg. "Buck, I've been waiting to get my hands on your dick for months now, so unless you want to take it slow, I'd really like to get you naked now."

Judging by the way Buck practically shook out of his jacket before almost ripping his shirt as he frantically pulled it over his head, he was on board with that idea.

This kiss was even more hungry than the last one and yet so much sweeter too, somehow; desperate and passionate in its own way as Buck trailed his tongue up Eddie's jaw, sucking his sensitive skin between his teeth.

Eddie moaned, clawing at his back as Buck bit down harder. "You like that?"

Yeah. Eddie really liked that. He rolled his hips against Buck's own. "Bedroom. Now."

Simply making their way down the hall - despite both of them knowing the layout by heart - proved to be a much more difficult task while kissing and losing pieces of clothing with every step of the way. But, oh, was it worth it when he felt the back of his knees hit the frame of the bed, falling back as Buck climbed on top of him, tongue doing unholy things to Eddie as he let it trail all over his chest before sucking on one of his nipples.

"Buck," Eddie whined, twisting his fingers into his curls the same way he'd always imagined to.

And, fuck, if Eddie wasn't already painfully hard, the sight of Buck fluttering his eyelashes at him as he looked up from underneath them, tongue still twirling around his equally hard nipple, would have definitely given him the rest.

It made Eddie too aware of the fact that they were both still in their boxer shorts and that seemed like an actual criminal offense, if you'd asked Eddie. "Come on."

"What do you want?" Buck whispered, cold thumbs dipping beneath his waistband and making Eddie shiver.

There's never been an easier answer. "You."

Buck hummed, pressing open-mouthed kisses all the way down the side of Eddie's torso, lingering there as he, incredibly slowly, pulled down his underwear. "I need you to be more specific."

Eddie knew where this was heading. He felt Buck's mouth hover over his happy trail and he knew what Buck's plan was and not that Eddie was particularly against the idea - far from it, actually - but he had something else in mind. "I want to blow you."

Buck's cheeks and shoulders flushed a beautiful pink, a subtle line of freckles dusting his abdomen that Eddie noticed as soon as he grabbed his hip and flipped them over, straddling Buck as he leaned down to his lips. "If you let me."

"Yes," Buck replied breathlessly. "Yes, Eddie, please."

Now, not-so-surprisingly, Eddie hadn't actually ever given anyone a blow job. But Buck's power point wasn't the only source of research that Eddie had sought out when he tried to learn more about what he liked. Even though, realistically, he was pretty sure that just reading about how to suck someone off was very different to actually doing it.

Yet, Eddie would lie if he said that this wasn't one of his most prevalent fantasies when it came to Buck. Anyone, for that matter, since there wasn't anyone else Eddie was attracted to at the moment other than his best friend. And damn, if this was what actually being attracted to someone felt like while kissing and grinding together, then Eddie couldn't wait to find out what this kind of sex would be like.

Not just with a man - Eddie was way less nervous about that then he thought he would be - but having sex with his best friend that Eddie was so deeply in love with.

Buck must've interpreted his silence wrong though, pressing another soft kiss to his lips. "But if you're not ready for that-"

"I am," Eddie cut him off, kissing him deeper while reaching down to strip Buck's boxer shorts off, letting Buck kick them all the rest of the way down to the foot of the bed. And- "Jesus, Buck."

Buck's smirk was knowing. And how could it not be? Because Eddie was aware that Buck had a big dick. Heck, he'd gotten glimpses of it before and he knew that's where he got the nickname "firehose" from - back in his Buck 1.0 days - if he wanted to take Chim's word for it, and yet-

He was huge.

"Change your mind?" Buck asked.

If someone had told Eddie - just last year - that he'd sit on his naked best friend's lap, grinding their dicks together as he moaned into his mouth at the mere prospect of getting his cock into his mouth, Eddie might have collapsed on the spot.

This Eddie, however? This Eddie couldn't stop smiling as he scooted back while trailing kisses all the way down Buck's chest, hovering over the scar on the side of his ribs. It was still red, not fully healed yet and Eddie made a mental note to be careful as he pressed a gentle kiss above it, on each side, and right beneath.

Buck whimpered breathlessly at the action, his hand running through Eddie's hair and tugging. Eddie let his eyes slide closed on their own accord, loving the feeling - the way it just seemed right. Buck's hands on him, guiding and holding him in place but never too demanding.

When Eddie trailed his mouth a little lower, leaving wet kisses in its place, he looked up to find Buck's eyes heavy-lidded, pupils blown, his stare transfixed to every movement Eddie made. He looked so incredibly hot like this; it made Eddie impatient.

He'd meant to tease Buck, really map out every inch of his skin, but Eddie guessed he'd still have time for that later. So, instead of dragging things out any longer, Eddie did not hesitate to lean down and lick an experimental stripe up the side of his cock. The whine Buck let out at the action was just an added bonus.

"Eddie."

Eddie took his head into his mouth, hand wrapping around the base for more coverage, before firmly pressing Buck's hip down into the mattress with the other. And, well, Eddie wasn't sure what he'd been expecting a cock to taste like, but somehow he was still a little surprised that it really wasn't all too different to any other part of skin. Except for the pearls of pre-cum, maybe.

He swirled his tongue around the head before taking it into his mouth again, trying to imitate the movements he liked - or at least used to whenever Shannon blew him. It was trial and error, to say the least.

Eddie tried to go lower, as far as he could, until he choked a little, pulling off with a plop to regain his breath. Buck's fingers were still curled into his hair, running through it encouragingly. "You got it, you got it."

Buck already sounded so gone and it did all kinds of things to Eddie, including but not limited to making him desperate to pull more of those sounds out of his mouth, thank you very much.

Eddie glanced up through his lashes, watching Buck's flushed face intently, as he went down on him again, humming around his cock when Buck threw his head back in response. He was still going a little too deep from time to time, forced to pull off and go slower, but after a few minutes Eddie was pretty sure he was starting to get the hang on it.

Or, at least a rhythm he could work with. The feeling of Buck's cock in his mouth, making his jaw ache and feeling heavy on his tongue, was still new, strange somehow, and yet Eddie found that he kind of loved it. Kind of loved it in a way that he would've never allowed himself to before.

"Fuck, yes, Eddie-" Buck moaned as he began jerking the base of his dick with his hand while bobbing his head, hollowing his cheeks. And then Eddie let his tongue slip into his slit and Buck-

Buck whined really fucking loudly, eyes pressed shut as he tugged on Eddie's hair again - harder this time. Eddie didn't mind it. Far from it. He swirled his tongue around his head again, flicking it across the slit-

"Eddie," Buck moaned. "Please, I'm gonna- fuck, please-"

He sounded so pretty when he was begging.

Eddie smirked - best as he could with a dick in his mouth anyway - before ducking down as far as he could and swallowing around him, staring right into Buck's eyes, the sweat trailing down his forehead and chest - glistening.

"Fuck, Eddie-"

Eddie hummed, keeping his mouth right where it was as he watched Buck throw his head back into the pillow, his dick twitching inside of his mouth. He kept his hands pressed to his hips, holding him down as he came right into Eddie's mouth, body jerking with the force of his orgasm.

And Eddie swallowed, trying to drink up every bit of cum on his tongue until Buck was twitching from overstimulation. Only then did Eddie pull off, his mouth feeling all stretched out as he noticed some of it still trail out of the corner of his lips, down his chin. Buck was breathing hard, his legs shaking and Eddie couldn't help but to grin as Buck pulled him down to his face, clashing their lips together. "I was wrong."

Eddie bit down on his bottom lip, fingers brushing down his sides as he let his head spin from the way Buck's hot breath felt against his own, still very much hard in his own briefs. "Wrong about what?"

"You don't need the power point presentation," Buck replied, eyes melting into fondness as Eddie chuckled into their kiss. And, oh, that's what that look had been this entire time, hadn't it? He was looking at Eddie like he was- "I love you."

They'd had this talk. They'd kissed, they'd made out and Eddie still had traces of Buck's cum in his mouth for fuck's sake, but hearing the words-

It nearly made Eddie bluescreen.

But then Buck's hand slipped into his briefs, wrapping around his aching cock and instead of bluescreening, Eddie's head fell onto his shoulder as he whimpered desperately. "Buck-"

Even if God had never answered Eddie's prayers, he didn't care. Because Buck did. He answered every single one.

So when they lay in bed together after, the sun already rising outside as Buck's head rested on Eddie's chest, drawing absentminded patterns into it with the tip of his finger, Eddie felt like he'd just experienced the biggest epiphany of his life.

Either that or he was still giddy from post-orgasm serotonin.

But the reason didn't matter - not when it came to this - and as Eddie kissed Buck lazily, their legs tangled like they'd merged into one, he couldn't stop the thought from invading his mind like a shining light into darkness.

This. This is what Eddie wanted. Forever, until they were old and gray, falling asleep and waking up with Buck by his side, having mind-blowing sex, kissing until their lips were swollen and red and just being together.

Eddie had wanted it for a long time but actually having it? Holding his want right in his arms as he hummed satisfied against his lips? He never wanted to let that go.

Eddie wanted Buck, wanted him not just as a part of his life but the one who made it complete, and he wanted this family. But then again, their family didn't consist just of the two of them. Because someone was still missing.

Someone who had every right to be mad at Eddie, who he'd allowed to distance himself but someone who, after so many months, Eddie couldn't let stay away for any longer. Not with his parents, not in Texas.

Because Eddie missed his son. And he thought that now, after finally realizing what it was that he wanted, what he needed, what he was missing and what he had found-

It was time for Christopher to come home.

So when Eddie noticed Buck dozing off against his chest, his curls messy and wet with sweat as they stuck up from his head to tickle Eddie's nose, he just blurted, "Come with me."

Buck blinked up at him with a confused frown. "Where?"

"To El Paso," Eddie replied. "Come with me to bring our son back home."

Chapter Text

The good thing about sick leave, Eddie realized, was getting to have sick leave with Buck. Not just because he was able to wake up and immediately get an incredible blowjob without worrying about being late for work, both of them really getting to take their time — but also because it gave them exactly this; a leave.

Booking the plane tickets had been easy. And Eddie knew that, technically, because he had booked tickets like this more than once in his life. Yet ever since Chris left for Texas it had somehow become this far off thing, something difficult and near impossible.

His finger had hovered over the button almost every night, then almost every week until, at some point, just opening the website had felt like something that Eddie didn't deserve. Entertaining the idea to bring his son home was unfair, was unjust, because Eddie had fucked up and he needed to reprimand his sins, needed to wallow in his guilt, needed to be alone and miserable and not feel-

Joy.

He wasn't allowed to feel joy. Or, at least he thought he wasn't.

Buck held his hand as they walked up to the airport entry, a bag slung over his shoulder while Eddie pushed a suitcase for the both of them along. Something that Eddie still considered foolish, but that Buck had insisted was for the best, because, "we can fit both of our clothes into one and, beside we don't plan on staying for that long, do we?"

And while that first part was true, Eddie still wasn't entirely sure about the second one. He wanted to bring Chris home as soon as possible, but he and his parents still thought that Eddie and Buck were merely visiting and Eddie had no idea how to actually...

Convince Christopher. Not that he'd accept another 'no' after six months, but Eddie didn't want to force his son into the next best plane either. So the moment needed to be...it needed to be right.

Both for the coming home talk and the...other one. Eddie wasn't sure which one he was more nervous about.

He didn't have much time to think about it now though. Not with Buck suddenly stopping without warning, making Eddie stumble slightly with the force of his arm jerking back where Buck still held his hand.

When Eddie turned to frown at him, Buck had a glazed look on his face. His eyes seemed distant, not focused on Eddie but the sliding doors leading into LAX. The ones Eddie had been about to go through before Buck stopped him. For some reason. "Are you good?"

Buck blinked, once, twice, before finally meeting Eddie's gaze and Eddie realized that maybe he hadn't been the only one who was nervous about this trip. That there were things on Buck's mind too and of course there were but Eddie hadn't…he might have not checked in enough about just how okay Buck was with following him back to Texas, even if it was just for a week.

And part of that was definitely because things had moved very quickly ever since the collapse but Eddie had thought- had just assumed that when Buck enthusiastically kissed him and helped him pack their things, called Bobby to tell him about their time off and stayed at Eddie's place all the while so long that Eddie felt confident to call it their place for the first time-

Yeah, Eddie had kind of assumed that they didn't have to talk about whether Buck was gonna come with him, because it was a given; Buck was an integral part of Eddie that he didn't know how to go without now that he had him.

But Buck still clutched Eddie's hand and hesitated and Eddie really, really should start communicating, because he was gonna be damned if he had already started to fuck this whole 'dating his best friend' thing up without even noticing and-

"No, I'm good," Buck said softly, hesitation melting into something lighter. "Just…never really went beyond the sliding doors."

Oh.

Abby left Buck at the airport. She left and never came back. And then Ali did too, and Taylor and Tommy and while Maddie came back she still, all those years ago, left. They all left him.

And there was nothing that Eddie understood less. He pressed Buck's hand. "Are you gonna walk through them with me?" I'll stay.

Buck smiled. "Always." I know you will.

Eddie didn't let go of Buck's hand as they went inside.

They managed to work their way through control quite quickly and seamlessly, eventually settling down at a less than busy coffee place - if you could call it that, considering it was on the inside of an airport - because if Eddie was already gonna be buying expensive liquids, those liquids sure as hell weren't gonna be water.

Besides, Buck looked like he needed the caffeine. And other things.

Eddie sat down across from him, throwing the three stick packs his way that he'd gotten from the waiter who'd been scrolling on her phone all the way through their order. It was worth it though. Buck lit up like he'd given him actual gold. "Thank you."

"Someone has to make sure you keep up with your sugar addiction," Eddie pointed out.

"So you can continue to be my dealer?" Buck joked back, dumping two of the stick packs into his drink at once. It wasn't even plain coffee. It was mocha, because the waiter had distractedly explained that they were both out of almond milk and cinnamon powder and obviously that just wouldn't cut it for Buck.

So, mocha it was. Mocha and three sugar stick packs because one stick pack does not equal one teaspoon and there was no way Eddie was gonna watch Buck pour five of those things into his already sweet 'coffee'. He needed to get on a plane with the guy later.

Despite popular belief, he wasn't all too into torture.

"Of course," Eddie replied instead, winking. "Wouldn't want you to get your white stuff from anyone else."

Buck choked on his coffee.

Eddie hadn't even noticed the implication until Buck leaned forward with a sly smile on his face - as soon as he'd recovered from his coughing fit that was - fingers sneaking up his knee underneath the table. "Oh yeah?"

It was a good thing that this place wasn't crowded right now. A hooray to the lack of school holidays and awful time of day, or night, rather. But you save money where you can when it comes to flights.

Eddie felt his cheeks flush. They weren't actually gonna do anything here, in public, Eddie knew that. But the idea still sent a spark down his spine. And down somewhere else too.

"Might need a reminder of the taste," Eddie mused - internally cringing at his own line because god had he always been this terrible at this? - before slowly reaching out for Buck's mug, lifting it to his lips as he held eye contact with him.

But Buck didn't laugh at him, so that was at least something. Or, well, he didn't until Eddie actually took a sip and immediately pulled a face. "Fuck, Buck, how can you even drink this stuff, oh my god-"

And Buck cackled. Full on cackled, head thrown back, teeth blinding, eyes pressed shut. And he leaned forward and smirked again and, without even looking around, replied, "That's not what you said last night."

Damn Eddie and his stupid attempt at making alluding comments. "Oh, blow me."

"If you insist." Buck grinned.

"For the record," Eddie said, fully ignoring that reply while pushing the mug back in disgust, "Your cum tastes better than this."

Buck wasn't doing a great job at fighting the smile tugging at the corners of his lips. "Wow, Eddie, I didn't know you were such a romantic."

Eddie kicked his foot. "And here I was, just about to suggest hiding away in the next best restroom until our flight begins boarding..."

"Eddie, as much as I love having sex with you," Buck said seriously, nearly making the old couple walking past them trip in surprise, "And you know how much I love sex-" the old couple looked over their shoulders again before almost running into a pillar, probably clutching imaginary pearls as they hurried away, "-There's no way I am stepping into those germ boxes ever again."

And, well, fair enough. "Did you ever have sex on a plane?"

"I once saved a couple that got stuck in a plane's bathroom together after it crashed," Buck replied.

Eddie frowned. "Okay, so no plane sex."

"No plane sex," Buck agreed.

"So..."

"Honestly, how have you not realized that you like men?" Buck laughed, shaking his head fondly. "How have I not realized that you like men? It's like you discovered the wonders of gay sex and now you can't stop thinking about it."

"Well, can you?"

"Never said that," Buck replied, reaching out to take his hand - always gravitating towards it.

Eddie laced their fingers together automatically. "Maybe I just really like the person I had gay sex with."

"Well, for the record," Buck echoed Eddie's words, smiling way too softly for the utterly stupid conversation they were having right now at 4 o'clock in the morning, "I really like you too."

Eddie smiled back. And then a thought occurred to him. Or, not occurred per se, because it was one of the three thoughts constantly spinning around in his mind, taking turns in relevance, but... "I hope Chris will be okay with it."

Buck looked thoughtful for a moment, watching Eddie almost cautiously. "Do you want to…"

"What?" Eddie asked, mentally patting both of them on the back for being true experts at this whole communication thing.

"You know," Buck said and Eddie waited because he did, in fact, not know. "If you want to put this - us - on pause until you feel ready to tell him…"

And, oh. Yeah. That.

Eddie felt bad about now having told Chris yet. Of course he did. Under any normal circumstances his son would be the first person he went to and maybe that was pathetic and a testimony of Eddie's lack of social life but it was also just the unspoken promise he had made for himself.

Break the cycle. Be open. Be honest. Show your son that he is loved and that his feelings are valid and worth talking about.

As soon as Eddie had strayed away from that, his life had fallen apart. Go figure.

But that was the thing. Eddie would tell Christopher. He just wanted to do it in person, is all. Even if it was kind of terrifying.

"I've thought about it," Eddie replied honestly. "But I don't want to put this on pause. I don't want to lose this, even for just another minute, because…"

It's taken long enough. That was one reason, definitely.

I love you and want to be with you. That was another, more obvious reason and certainly just as true.

But what Eddie had to learn, what felt important right now was- "Because this makes me happy. And I think I-"

He still couldn't say the words.

But he didn't have to.

Buck pressed his hand softly. "Yes. And you deserve to be happy."

And fuck that shouldn't make Eddie want to cry.

They boarded the plane about an hour later, squeezing through the tiny corridor until they finally reached their seat's at the very back.

There were no crying babies and no turbulence as they began to ascend and after Buck got the book on colors from their shared bag as soon as they were free to unbuckle their seat belts, Eddie genuinely felt relaxed for the first time since they left for the airport.

He was gonna see his son in a few hours. The flight wasn't too long. His- well, Buck was resting a head on his shoulder as he read, curls tickling Eddie's skin in a grounding sort of way.

Things were good. And they would get even better.

He rested his head on Buck's own, hand splaying on his thigh - just to hold - as Eddie closed his eyes.

He almost nodded off – maybe he had for a moment, until Buck shifted a little against his shoulder, his steady breathing rhythm disrupted by something.

"Did you know," Buck said, this lopsided smile audible in his voice, skin crinkling around his eyes as he turned to face Eddie. It was Eddie's favorite order of words, if only out of Buck and Chris' mouth; aware that no matter what followed, Eddie's answer would always be 'no'.

Still he always asked. And Eddie always felt the need to kiss the fun facts of his lips. Which he could do now, technically. Eddie was too fond of Buck's excited rambling voice to cut him off though. Their bumping knees sent Eddie's heart on fire.

"The symbolism of color dates way back and while it is mostly discussed in the context of old artworks - people talking about what the artist wanted to convey with their choice of pigment - it's relevant in everyday life too."

"How so?" Eddie asked, snorting when he tried to sneak a look at Buck's book only for him to flip it shut.

"No spoilers," Buck chided, ignoring the roll of Eddie's eyes. "We gravitate towards certain colors. Red signals we have to pay close attention to something, yellow is for poison, green for something not ripe yet."

That, Eddie had known. It was part of that whole primal brain thing or something. A testimony of the people that came before them. But Buck wasn't done yet.

"Humans started attributing symbolism to all kinds of colors even beyond that. You have colors like sage or mint that are just variations of green and blue and that shouldn't have any meaning associated with them at all and yet they do. Because someone decided sage was an indicator for insight and mint meant hospitality."

Eddie hummed, sipping at the overly expensive airport water that he'd ended up buying after all. "So what is so special about this?"

"Someone, at some point, has taken the time out of their day to pick out one specific color and give it an attribute that people just agreed with. We can look at every shade that meets the human eye and someone has already judged it," Buck explained, that passion in his voice that Eddie usually just found either adorable or hot - depending on the topic - but that now sounded…

"It's sad," Eddie concluded.

"Yeah," Buck agreed, absentmindedly fidgeting with the top of his bookmark. "I guess it's human nature. We look at a color and see what it represents according to someone else instead of seeing for ourselves how it fits into…live. What it evokes in us."

"And we are not talking about colors anymore," Eddie pointed out, watching as Buck smiled apologetically, drinking a sip of his own water. "What's on your mind, Buck?"

Buck watched Eddie's face carefully, his knee still pressed firmly into Eddie's own like he couldn't go without touching Eddie for more than a few seconds. Something Eddie could very much relate to. "I know you want to tell Christopher but…are you going to tell your parents that you're queer?"

Eddie hadn't thought about it.

Okay, that was a lie. Eddie had thought about coming out to his parents, about what it would be like, even before he had realized that he was queer. The topic had always been a huge deal in his childhood, always a form of conflict and, sometimes, when Eddie couldn't sleep at night, he had thought about it.

What if he was gay? How would they react if it was their own son dating a guy?

Would their beliefs be more important to them than Eddie?

But those thoughts had been pushed to the back of his mind almost as soon as Eddie met Shannon - just like everything else about this topic stopped becoming relevant because of her. And Eddie had never addressed it again after her either, hadn't dared to touch it with a ten foot pole. Until Buck.

It had taken Eddie weeks to come to terms with it and even longer to find a label that he thought fitting for himself and it still seemed like there was something missing. He heard it in the way Buck said it.

Not because the words were pronounced weirdly or unsure - in fact, they sounded entirely plausible and normal when Buck said them - but because Eddie had thought about it a lot since he'd settled for demisexual.

And he still was. That was for sure. There was nothing that sounded more right than "Eddie is demisexual" other than maybe "Eddie is in love with Buck" or "Eddie has the best son in the whole wide world."

But he wasn't…just demisexual. And Eddie had known that from the very start. It's why he'd gone with queer until he found something that felt like him, something that felt true, and now he thought he might have.

Because Eddie hadn't been in love with Shannon.

And for the first time in a long time he was growing to accept that this didn't discredit the love that he had felt for her and that still ached now whenever he visited her grave.

"I'm gay," Eddie replied. "And demisexual. But also gay."

Buck blinked back at him. Fuck, right, that wasn't even the question.

But of course Eddie just blurted it out. Of course all it took was one look at Buck and Eddie felt the need to make him see, no secrets, no hidden truths. It was probably a weird thing to say to someone after getting to know what their dick tasted like inside your mouth, but Buck understood. He always understood. And he smiled. "Okay."

Eddie couldn't help but smile back. "And, yeah, I really want to tell Chris."

"But not your parents," Buck noted, voice carefully raised in a half-question that he wasn't sure Eddie could or wanted to answer.

And it kind of clicked for Eddie at that moment. A little late, admittedly, but it still clicked. Because Buck wasn't just asking him for shits and giggles. They were together now. They were flying to his parents' place together.

And they'd either have to hide their relationship or come right out and say it.

Eddie almost choked on his drink. "I'd want to avoid telling them, but…"

Not if it makes you uncomfortable, not if it makes you feel hidden, like you are a dirty secret not worth sharing, like I am somehow ashamed of you which couldn't be further from the truth.

Buck gave him a patient look.

"Not if you're not okay with that," Eddie settled on. "Because my parents will have to deal with it either way. With us. Because I am not letting you go. Ever."

Buck reached out, taking Eddie's hand. He turned it around in his palm, tracing over the outline of the heart on Eddie's wrist that Buck had never stopped retracing every time it began to fade. "I had to pretend not to be in love with you for years, Eddie. I think I can manage one more week."

Eddie grinned, leaning forward to lightly press his lips against Buck's own. Because he could do that now. Because he would never get tired of it. "Are you sure? I've heard that I am quite irresistible."

"Whoever may have told you that," Buck mumbled back, tipping Eddie's chin up to kiss him properly.

By the time they made their way out of the plane and into the airport Eddie was a bundle of nerves. Which was fine, really, because Buck wasn't much better, literally bouncing with every step. They had just picked up the suitcase when Eddie saw them; his parents and, much more importantly- "Chris!"

"Dad!" Chris yelled back, meeting Eddie halfway in a hug that was so strong Eddie feared he was suffocating his son. He hadn't thought-...for a moment he'd been afraid that Christopher wouldn't be happy to see him, that he just agreed to this visit out of obligation.

But actually holding him in his arms again, it-

Eddie couldn't stop crying. "Oh, I've missed you so much, you've gotten so tall, my god!"

Chris rolled his eyes as he pulled back. But he smiled. That bright, beautiful smile that Eddie had missed seeing in person so, so much. He hugged him again, plastering kisses to the top of his head. "Dad, stop! I missed you too, okay?" Chris laughed, not actually making any attempts to push him away.

When Eddie did, eventually, stop though, he could see Buck watching them with fond eyes and a smile and it was all he needed for Eddie to give him a short nod - a sign of 'it's your turn now' - before Buck surged forward to pull Christopher into a hug of his own, lifting him off the floor to spin him once. "Your grandparents sure have fed you well!"

Christopher laughed at him. "Missed you too, Buck."

They both had the same kind of smile. It was something that Eddie had noticed before, but that became even more apparent now, as Buck showed Christopher the book that Eddie had bought him, telling him that he could borrow it anytime and just how interesting it was.

They both had curly hair, adorable laughs, the same interest in obscure topics and it baffled Eddie sometimes; the fact that they weren't actually related.

He was still staring at them, hand on the suitcase, when his mother cleared her throat and Eddie blinked. Right. "Mom, Dad."

His parents were staring at Buck and Christopher too.

"Your flight was good?" His father asked. He tried, at least. A little late, admittedly, but Eddie had to give him credit for that. Over the past few years he'd made more of an effort than Helena, though that wasn't something hard to top.

It's like his father offered him a finger while his mother offered none to Eddie and all to Christopher.

While Buck offered everything he was and had to the both of them.

"It was fine," Eddie replied, tension seeping out of his shoulders as Buck got up from where he'd crouched down in front of Christopher, going to stand beside him. "Buck snores."

Christopher laughed as Buck gaped at him. "I do not!"

"You do!" Christopher argued. It shouldn't make Eddie feel so pleased that his son was teaming up with him again, but it did. It really did. And Buck knew that too. Eddie could see it in his face as he continued to be dramatic for their sake.

"Betrayed by my favorite people." Buck clutched his chest, before shaking his head with a smile, finally holding out a hand to Eddie's parents, which Eddie - yeah Eddie had kind of forgotten to do that, hadn't he? He winced. "Hello, Mr. and Mrs. Diaz. Thank you for picking us up from the airport."

Eddie's father looked thoughtful for a moment before taking Buck's hand, shaking it firmly. "It's no trouble. God knows Eddie doesn't drive if he can help it."

There it was. Eddie had kind of been hoping that they'd wait with the remarks until they had at least gotten some rest. Or arrived at his parents' house. Or, well, at least left the damn airport. In hindsight, Eddie should have known that train of thought was foolish.

Buck frowned. "Actually, Eddie was the one to suggest that we rent a car."

Ramon was silent for an uncomfortably long moment. "Ah. Well."

Eddie cleared his throat before it could get any more awkward than that, nudging Buck's shoulder. "We should get going now, shouldn't we? I am sure you have a lot to show us, Chris. Been a while since we've been to Texas."

Both of them. Because ever since Buck, Hen and he made a detour on their way back to L.A. after fighting the wildfires a few years back, Eddie had only been back at his parents' place once. And that was also...a few years ago. If Eddie was gonna recognize the place at all seemed like a more and more pressing question.

"Of course," his father said, not bothering to help with the luggage as he turned around.

His mother followed after, then Chris, leaving Buck and Eddie in the back.

Eddie exhaled slowly.

"It's gonna be okay," Buck promised quietly, grazing his hand ever so slightly before falling right into step with Eddie. He wanted him to take Eddie's hand. He wanted to lace their fingers together, bring their knuckles up to his mouth to kiss them.

But he couldn't. Again.

Maybe Eddie did tend to torture himself.

"Yeah," he replied, smiling softly as Chris turned around to make sure they weren't falling behind, meeting his gaze in real life and not through a camera lens, grinning at both him and Buck. "We're gonna be okay."

Chapter Text

L.A. was busy. Eddie had come to that conclusion as soon as they'd crossed the border to California, more or less. But with Chris in the back seat, animatedly talking about dinosaurs, Eddie found that he didn't really care all too much.

The drive to a new life, no matter how exhausting, was probably the longest Eddie had ever spoken to his son without interruption. They played car games that Eddie remembered from his own childhood, stopped for candy at nearly every gas station (which Eddie regretted almost as soon as the sugar rush set in) and they just…talked.

It was nice.

Eddie didn't have much of an idea of what he was doing - just trying to do the opposite of what his own parents did when he was younger - but it seemed to be working. So, maybe Eddie was able to figure this whole parent-thing out after all.

This whole single-parent-thing.

Because that's what he was now. What their family would be like. Just the two of them.

And when Eddie tucked Christopher in that first night in their new house - his room, amongst some essentials in the kitchen and bathroom, the only one with things actually unpacked - pressing a kiss to his forehead and telling him goodnight, he didn't mourn it.

Because it was enough. Eddie watched his chest rise and fall in a steady rhythm, the night light casting the softest, warm hue on his face, and Eddie knew it was all he'd ever need.

Just Christopher and him.

It took about three days of getting settled; Abuela and Tía Pepa helping them with turning the house into less of a work in progress and more of a place to live in, before Eddie got a call from the fire captain that he was supposed to report back to in the following week.

The 118.

It wasn't the firehouse that Eddie was supposed to join at first, because if he could trust Chief Simpson's word, he was actually requested.

It made sense, he guessed. There was a lack of firefighters here in L.A. and the whole country, full stop. This had nothing to do with him and his skill and was more so about what firehouse needed extra help more than another.

So that's how Eddie ended up here, with his St. Christopher medal tucked beneath his shirt, a steady weight against his chest.

He wasn't nervous per se. Eddie had worked too many jobs to be, and a simple conversation before he started his new occupation was no reason to worry when he'd literally been to war.

But it was overwhelming, still, just slightly. Not necessarily in a negative way, but…

Eddie really wanted things to go seamlessly. He needed this job and he wanted this job and despite already having it secured, Captain Nash hadn't exactly been precise about why he wanted to see Eddie before next week.

He walked through the open doors of the firehouse with tentative but hopefully confident steps, hearing laughter echo through the walls almost immediately.

"Come on, Hen!" someone yelled, cackling. "Hey, hey, no, stop it, I'll never give you my desert ever again!"

"You're own fault, Buckley," someone else, another guy (Hen?), chided and Eddie tried to sneak a careful glance behind the fire engine.

There were three people, one of them a woman covered in what looked to be mud but what smelled indefinitely worse – the actual Hen, he supposed. She was hugging a tall guy and Eddie couldn't see anything but his broad back, shaking with laughter.

The third guy, who looked like a miniature human next to Mr. Giant, only shook his head at them before he was pulled right into the mud-hug as well.

"Oh my god, I hate you guys."

"Feel my love, Chim!" Hen cooed, rubbing her hands purposefully all over his turnouts.

"Yeah, Chim," Big Guy agreed, "feel our love!"

Chim groaned. "I'll go feel your love when I shower it off."

And then the muscular guy turned around and Eddie-

Eddie felt like the breath was knocked right out of him. His smile was blinding but in this enticing kind of way; like Eddie couldn't possibly look away even if he tried.

His eyes were bright and shining with humor even from afar and although he was covered in mud now, Eddie couldn't help but think that he was…beautiful.

Actually beautiful. Not just handsome or good looking but so radiant that Eddie wondered how someone like this could even exist.

He didn't see Eddie - none of them did - and it felt weird to just stare and look, watching them leave for the showers while talking about a call that Eddie hadn't been on and couldn't follow, though it certainly seemed to have included a pig chase by the little he did hear. Yet he found himself frozen in place.

He never found himself frozen in place.

Eddie was a runner, he ran, sprinted and walked away but he didn't stay still. Although, maybe he did now. Because he had Christopher and the house; a reason to remain in one place.

And if the comradery he had just witnessed was anything to go by, he wanted to stay here too. Even if he'd end up covered in ooze.

"Eddie," a voice pulled him out of his thoughts, a man, Captain Nash, as he stood behind him, smiling. "Nice to meet you."

Eddie scrambled to hold out his hand, shaking Captain Nash's hand once, twice, firm like he'd gotten used to in the military. "Pleased to meet you too, Captain."

Captain Nash's smile widened. "It's Bobby. Captain Nash is too formal."

"Bobby," Eddie echoed. "Noted."

"I bet you're wondering why I called you here outside of your hours," Bobby said, waving for Eddie to follow him. He did. "Which I am sorry for, by the way, I know you are still getting settled."

"It's no problem, really."

Bobby nodded, walking him up some stairs. "I wanted to get to know you first. See if what I suspected wasn't just a gut feeling."

"Uh, gut feeling?" Eddie asked, raising his brows.

"The team," Bobby clarified. "I want to see if you'd work well with them."

That didn't do much to lower Eddie's confusion. "Wouldn't you have to see me work with them to do that? I thought that's part of the whole probationary firefighter thing."

"You're right," Bobby agreed, making Eddie briefly wonder if he was always this cryptic. "But this goes beyond work. We're a family here. It's about finding a new member for that family."

He didn't expand on it further than that, so Eddie didn't ask.

Instead, Bobby pointed a finger towards the loft area that appeared at the end of the stairs. "The other reason I asked you here is so that I can show you around. This is the place where we spend most of our time in between calls."

"Looks cozy," Eddie said.

"You won't be added to the chores list on your first day, but just so you're aware of it-" Bobby explained, walking towards the fridge to point at the magnetic white board attached to it. The handwriting on it was messy. "-I always rotate the chores at the start of the week."

"Okay." Eddie nodded, taking a mental note of it. Chores he could handle.

Bobby showed him around the rest of the firehouse too. The garage, the changing rooms with glass walls, but not the shower rooms because the others were still in there, getting ready to go home, and Bobby's office.

The station wasn't as large as Eddie had imagined it to be, considering this was L.A. and everything was quite pompous. But he liked it. It felt like a place that could become a second home given time; something that El Paso outside his abuela's house had never been.

They arrived right back at the spot where Eddie had stood before, the station quieter now - probably in the midst of a shift switch - when Bobby addressed Eddie again. "Now, the most important question."

Eddie only barely held back his wince, because he knew this part. Bobby would ask him about his son, about his special needs and if Eddie was really fit to work a job like this while he had Christopher to worry about. If he was sure he wanted this dangerous job despite being a single parent.

Instead, Bobby gave him a paper and a pen. "Do you have any food allergies? If so, please list all of them right here."

He had not...expected that. Eddie blinked. "Uh, is that all you're worried about?"

"Is there more I need to be worried about?" Bobby asked in return, a look on his face that told Eddie he knew exactly what he had been expecting. He knew about Christopher. Those kinds of details - they were included in the papers he had needed to hand in.

"No," Eddie replied, dropping his shoulders where he hadn't realized they'd been tense. "And no food allergies. Though, my son has a strawberry allergy, I don't know if that's important?"

Bobby hummed. "I'll write that down in case you wanna take some leftovers home at some point."

He was quiet for a moment, the scribbling of the pen the only sound that was audible. And it was- Eddie really wasn't sure if this was it or not. "So, did I pass?"

"Pass what?" Bobby asked.

"The test," Eddie clarified, gesturing around them. "Do you think I'll fit into the team?"

Bobby's smile was almost humorous. "Oh, I knew you would the moment you walked in."

"But I didn't...do anything," Eddie said carefully, trying to remember if his own memories were betraying him right now.

But, no, Eddie had gotten out of his car, had walked through those doors and he had watched the other firefighters play-fight each other from afar before Bobby had picked him up. Heck, the entire time while Bobby had shown him around Eddie had made it a point to try and work in comments about what a great team player he was and how used he was to working in tandem because of the army. Had all of that been unnecessary?

"Do you know why I requested you, Eddie?" Bobby asked and suddenly Eddie wasn't so sure if what he had thought was him filling an empty spot was the actual reason for his presence at the 118 anymore.

"Why?" Eddie asked back.

Before Bobby could reply though, the door of the shower rooms flew open, the same guy walking out that had Eddie's eyes transfixed so helplessly just half an hour ago. Why was he still here? Didn't he have a family to go home to? He'd seen the other two firefighters leave.

He looked even more - what word was there to describe him? - breathtaking now. His hair was still a little wet, relatively short trimmed and his clothes looked entirely too tight on him. While his steps were secure and confident, his lips melted into a smile every time he passed another firefighter trailing in, meeting high-fives and wishing good shifts left and right.

But he didn't leave for his car. Not yet.

He walked into the room surrounded by glass walls, stripping off his shirt to throw it into his locker despite just having put it on after the shower and-

Eddie had muscles too, okay? He was at the top of his game, fit and with no insecurities about his looks. Yet, for some reason, Eddie felt...weird. Not because he was jealous or attracted to that guy - definitely not that - but because something...

He felt familiar, is all. Eddie had never seen him before today and he knew that, but it wasn't even this kind of familiarity, it was like-

Like something or someone wanted to pull him towards this guy. Which was strange, because Eddie did not believe in things that could only be described as 'something or someone'.

"Who's that?" Eddie asked.

Bobby followed his gaze. "That's Buck."

"Buck," Eddie echoed, remembering the other firefighters saying something similar.

"He just recently finished his probationary year too," Bobby explained, sounding very fond of the fact. "He's still a bit impulsive, but really good at this job. Big heart too."

Eddie really shouldn't pry. He was a grown man. This wasn't a good look for him, especially in front of his new boss, but he couldn't help it. He just had to ask, "Why is he still here? Didn't you say they just finished their shift?"

And Bobby had said that, okay? Right in between explaining how to use the ancient coffee maker - which Eddie needed to write down in case he ever wanted to be able to make a cup of his own without a mental breakdown - and listing the forms of entertainment they had in the loft.

Bobby didn't reprimand him for the question though. He just shrugged. "I meant it when I said we are a family. Some of us...we don't have much outside of it."

That didn't feel right. Eddie watched Buck pull another too tight shirt over his head, taking a brief look at his phone before immediately shoving his back into his bag. The smile from before was gone.

It looked strange missing from his face. And that was probably a weird observation to make, wasn't it? Eddie didn't even know the guy, had never talked to him and yet it seemed too obvious that he - Buck - was the type that should have a whole house of people waiting for him at home. A family outside of work.

He looked like sunshine.

Who wouldn't want to bask in that?

Bobby smiled, watching Eddie a little too closely for Eddie's liking. "I have a feeling that he's gonna like you."

Bobby was wrong.

He was so utterly wrong.

Because that guy? Yeah, he did not like Eddie. Not even a little bit.

"We're not broken up!"

Sure, Eddie thought, but he didn't say that part. Because if Buck wanted to burn off frustration in the gym and pretend like there was no frustration to be found then that was fine by Eddie. He hadn't quite finished his workout yet but he could do that later, cool off. Both literally and figuratively.

Eddie knew what it was like to live with a very ambiguous relationship status. Heck, he was technically still married to a woman that he hadn't seen in months, the mother of his son, and yet Eddie had no idea where he stood with her.

Was their relationship at a pause? Had they broken up? Should Eddie sign divorce papers?

He didn't know.

By the looks of it, Buck didn't either. So, really, Eddie didn't blame the guy for being confused and angry. However, he also wasn't too fond of the fact that he seemed to have decided to channel all that frustration into jealousy and let it out on Eddie.

"He's not always like that," Hen said once Eddie walked out of the locker rooms, a clean shirt replacing the sweaty, black tank-top. She leaned against the railing, arms crossed, her gaze locked on Buck who was still stemming weights with no spot. They were lighter now, at least. No showing off.

Eddie hummed. "Yeah, I believe you."

She looked him up and down, some sort of analyzing twitch to her brows that Eddie couldn't quite read yet. Hen seemed nice. She was incredibly smart, maybe the most competent out of all of them and Eddie really appreciated that she was a medic with a very thorough system to her ambulance that she'd explained to Eddie as soon as Bobby had introduced him. "Hm."

"What?" Eddie asked, tilting his head.

"I don't know, I guess I didn't expect that answer," Hen said with a shrug. "Kinda thought you'd say, 'there is no way he is anything but a rude kid with an attitude problem.'"

"He's a year younger than me," Eddie reminded her.

"Babies," Hen agreed, a teasing smile tugging at her lips before she shook her head. "But really, you're less judgemental than you look."

Eddie furrowed his brows. "Uh, thank you?"

"Don't take it personally," Hen replied. "I mean, I would have complained about Mr. Broody Golden Retriever by now."

That was a very specific nickname. Eddie stared back at the gym area, watching for a short moment as Chim trailed off before his eyes were right back on Buck. "Chimney already told me that he's going through some personal stuff. I can relate. That's all."

"Anything you wanna talk about?" Hen asked neutrally, like she really didn't mind either answer. Eddie appreciated it.

"No," he said. Sharing personal stuff at work had never been Eddie's domain.

"Fair enough," Hen replied, nodding towards the stairs. "I'll be upstairs if you need anything, but, Eddie."

Eddie turned back to look at her. "Yeah?"

Hen smiled. "If it's any consolation, I think you'll learn to like each other."

Bobby Eddie had understood. That had been nothing but a bad assessment. A theory proven incorrect. But had Hen somehow missed the way Buck glared at Eddie every time he thought he wasn't looking? Or the way he tried to escape any and all conversation including Eddie? The way he so clearly wanted nothing to do with him?

"What made you come to that conclusion?" Eddie asked.

"You're good for each other," Hen explained simply, but before Eddie could ask what that was supposed to mean, she turned on her heels just in time for Chim to reach them, joining her as they walked up the stairs.

And Eddie could follow, technically, make her clarify, but...

Maybe he didn't need to. Maybe he already understood just fine.

Hen was right.

She was so utterly right.

Eddie had a feeling that this would become an average observation; her saying something that would end up being true. But right now, Eddie wasn't up for hearing her say another, 'I told you so'. He'd heard enough of those from his parents to last him a lifetime.

"The fries are kind of shit," Buck said around a mouthful, leaning back in the booth across from Eddie.

"They're certainly no match to the ones from that burger place we have in El Paso," Eddie agreed, dunking another one into the mayonnaise they had set down in the middle of the table.

Hen and Chim had both waved off their food offer and Bobby had refused to step into any fast food chain, so it was just Eddie and Buck now, sitting in a less than busy McDonalds while only a few cars rushed by outside.

Eddie had kind of expected it to be awkward. Or, well, he hadn't expected anything, actually. Because just a few hours ago Buck had done his very best to avoid Eddie and yet - one live grenade later - he hadn't wasted a second to follow Eddie here.

And the guy could've just been hungry, which, then again, room for awkwardness. But instead, Eddie had told Buck "good job" and "I'll have your back" and suddenly he actually talked to Eddie.

"Forget El Paso," Buck said, pointing a fry straight at Eddie, mayonnaise dropping unceremoniously onto the napkin below. "Once you try Bobby's fries, you'll never want to taste anything else ever again."

"I'll hold you to that."

Eddie should probably hurry up, use the rest of the night to clean up the house while Chris had his sleepover at Abuela's. He rarely had time for that; dusting, cleaning the windows-

Shit, he still needed to put the dishwasher together too. It had come without a manual and all the online instructions that Eddie had found were either in Japanese or came without pictures and figuring that out while he had a kid at home that kept asking him math questions was...a lot.

Buck took a long sip from his iced tea, wincing and muttering "brain freeze" as he scrunched his nose. Eddie couldn't help but chuckle at the sight, hiding his grin behind the heel of his hand when Buck peeked an eye back open to throw a pointed glare at him. "What?"

"I think I know where that golden retriever comment came from now," Eddie explained honestly, grinning harder when Buck blushed.

"Actually, despite golden retrievers being regarded as goofy dogs by most people, they are very hard working and can be used in all kinds of fields, from hunting to rescue and more. They can even act as service dogs," Buck explained so casually that Eddie forgot to chew on his food. "What?"

"Do you have a dog?"

"Oh," Buck said, taking another fry into his hand, turning it in between his fingers. "No, I don't have any pets. I just read this Wikipedia article about dog breeds a few weeks ago."

And it wasn't necessarily the fact itself that had caught Eddie off-guard. In fact, he was pretty sure that he'd already known that - the versatility of those dogs. No, what caught Eddie's attention was the way Buck's eyes practically lit up when he talked about it, his hand movements almost doubling in count.

Yet, as soon as Eddie had asked, Buck seemed to try and hide it again. Like he'd done something wrong by being excited. He chewed on his food, decidedly facing the table where he'd stared into Eddie's eyes before and Eddie wanted him to look back.

And, hey, so far doing the dishes by hand had worked just fine, hadn't it? It would work for a few more days too.

"Tell me more," Eddie prompted.

Yeah. There it was again, in the middle of the night in some far off, secluded fast food restaurant. Sunshine.

"Did you know-"

Chapter Text

The irony of Buck and Eddie arriving in El Paso on a Sunday did not go unnoticed by his mother, who pointed it out almost immediately after they stepped into the house, Chris tugging on both Eddie and Buck's arms to show them his (Eddie's old) room. "Since you don't go to church anymore, you can put your things away once we're off."

Eddie tried to ignore the displeased tone of her voice, smiling tightly. "Sure, Ma. Where will we be staying?"

"Sophia and Adrianna's old room," she explained shortly, looking at the door across the room that Chris pointed out for Buck as his. Second floor. "It's a good thing we still have a guest room with two beds now that they're both out of the house."

"Sure is," Eddie replied.

"Wouldn't want you to have to share." His mother watched him like a hawk. "Right?"

"Right."

Eddie looked at Christopher leading Buck into his room - the one that still had some of Eddie's old posters and furniture in it to his own surprise. He couldn't see it all that well from where he stood though; the things that were different or the same.

And just as he was about to follow them, Helena held Eddie back, a hand on his wrist that didn't hurt but that didn't feel gentle either. "I know you said that he'll be accompanying you-" it was always he and never Buck. "-but, seriously, Eddie, why did you bring him?"

"Because he's family," Eddie said, not much explanation needed. "And he missed Chris too, you know? If I'm not mistaken, so did Chris."

Helena followed his gaze into Eddie's room, the same cool light bulbs that they'd always bought, even back then, lighting the space in a cool shade that looked so out of place as it reflected off of Chris and Buck. They were too warm for it, too bright.

But they looked happy. Even in the walls that Eddie felt were restricting and daunting, seeing his favorite people laugh and make big gestures with hands as they picked everything apart with meaning, Christopher telling Buck just what was Eddie's and what he'd added - not replaced, added - made his chest feel lighter.

"He talks about your best friend a lot," Helena pointed out, almost as an afterthought. "About how much time you spend together."

Eddie knew his mother. Even if he didn't, it was obvious what she was trying to imply. What she wanted to know. And Eddie was not about to give her that satisfaction. Especially not considering how it would end; as just another argument in favor of Christopher staying in El Paso, of Eddie not being fit to raise his son.

"Yeah," Eddie said. "We can be lucky to have him."

"Dad, I want to show you my new chessboard!" Christopher called and Eddie did not wait for his mother to say anything else as he went, without hesitation, to spend time with his son. The main reason he was here. Not to hear comments he'd spend his childhood trying to outrun.

Time flew like this, way more so than it had in all the months Christopher had spent apart from Eddie. Despite the drive back from the airport having taken a while, it had still been morning when they came through the door. Now though?

Now Eddie's parents and Christopher - to Eddie's irritation - were off to church while he and Buck sat on the new rug, suitcase opened between them. And Eddie couldn't hold it in any longer.

So he jumped Buck.

"Woah, hey there," Buck laughed as Eddie climbed into Buck's lap before pinning him down to the floor, pressing their lips together. "Any-" another kiss "-occasion for this?"

Eddie trailed his lips down Buck's jaw, to his neck, carefully sucking on the skin there and sinking his teeth in until Buck's laughs turned into soft gasps and whimpers. "You didn't want to have sex on the plane."

When he pulled back to look at Buck, his pupils were blown, his lips already kiss-swollen. They turned pink so easily, so beautifully. It was one of the many great discoveries that Eddie had made over the course of the past week. "How much time do we have?"

"Not enough to do what I want to be doing," Eddie explained shortly before connecting their lips together again, pressing Buck a little further into the rug, hands trailing up and down his sides before resting on his hips. "But just enough to let off some..."

"Steam?" Buck suggested.

"Frustration," Eddie agreed, biting his bottom lip and drinking in the sweet sound Buck made in response. Buck practically melted into his touch, hands reaching up to brush and tug at Eddie's hair, just the way he liked. "You're so good."

Buck kissed him harder, hand fisting into the collar of his shirt before he dragged it over Eddie's head, staring up at him with a grin.

"Like what you see?" Eddie mused, steamy kisses turning a bit softer as he pressed them to Buck's cheeks, his chin, the tip of his nose and outline of his birthmark.

"It's an alright sight," Buck teased, grin immediately turning into an open-mouthed gasp as Eddie put a hand on the tent in Buck's jeans in response. His voice came out breathlessly as Eddie continued to palm him through the fabric. "Very- ah, okay to look at."

And, yeah, fine, maybe Eddie needed a distraction from his parents not even five hours into their visit that would last for at least five whole days, but that definitely wasn't the reason why he wanted to get his hands on his best friend - in very loose and complicated definitions of that term - right now.

"What did you say?" Eddie mused, pressing himself down on Buck, rolling his hips. "Oh, right, we should probably go unpack-"

Buck pulled him down by the neck, panting into his mouth. "Don't you dare."

Eddie grinned.

He rolled his hips again, grinding their cocks together and it wasn't enough friction, not at all, but Eddie still groaned, letting his tongue run over Buck's neck. And as much as Eddie liked to tease Buck, smiling satisfied with every small moan, whispering over and over, "yeah, that's it" and "you feel so good" as he watched Buck thrust his hips up, searching, Eddie was just as desperate for it.

Too desperate to take their time right now and too desperate to get their pants off all the way. Eddie, at some point, had at least managed to unbuckle their belts but that was pretty much where the effort had ended.

He felt like a teenager again, grinding against his girlfriend in his locked room before his parents noticed that he had, in fact, not left the door open. Not that they ever had or would notice - Eddie managed to get Shannon pregnant after all - but the sentiment still stands.

Only now, he was grinding against his boyfriend. And his parents weren't in the house. Which is why Buck and Eddie weren't gonna get caught.

The thrill still remained.

Buck let his fingernails dig into Eddie's shoulders, an aching sort of good, as he let Eddie's cock push down on his, pace both messy and fast. "You're - oh my god - Eddie, please."

"What do you want?" Eddie asked, nipping on his skin, pressing feather-light kisses to every spot he'd sunken his teeth into. They were blooming in red and purple shades, petals as a trail that said mine, mine, mine. Not in ownership but belonging. Buck's curls were all tousled, cheeks and lips pink and warm, his eyes darker than just a thunderstorm when he blinked up at Eddie. "Let me hear you, fuck, you're so pretty like this. You're so beautiful. Want to hear your voice."

Buck whimpered. "Touch me."

And who would Eddie be not to oblige to that? He reached down, not stopping to roll their hips together as he fumbled with Buck's zipper, which certainly made things more difficult, but also, Eddie didn't really care.

"Oh, fuck," Buck moaned as Eddie pulled his cock out, stroking. It still took a little getting used to - doing this from a different angle - but Buck never had anything to complain about, so Eddie figured he at least wasn't messing up this part of his life. Take that Mom and Dad!

Although, Eddie would rather die than to end their next argument with, "you think I am bad at everything? Well at least-"

Not that this took up any of his thoughts when he had Buck writhing underneath him, gasping for air as Eddie circled his head with his thumb the way he'd figured out Buck liked so much, picking up his pace. "Eddie, I'm- god-"

"So good for me," Eddie mumbled, getting his own dick out to try and stroke them both together - not quite managing despite how big his hand was, which made Eddie feel all kinds of ways. "Mind to give me a hand?"

Buck choked on a laugh, shaking his head in disbelief before doing just that. Maybe that was the biggest difference to the Buck that Eddie had known for years, had come to know so intimately that the only actually new thing about their relationship was the sex. Because while Buck usually did everything in his power to go against orders, he sure was responsive to Eddie telling him what to do in the bedroom.

It took them a moment to get back into rhythm, find a good pace, but that was the thing about them. They worked great as a team, always. This was no exception.

"I'm- fuck, I'm close, Eddie-" Buck panted, throwing his head back.

Eddie mentally thanked the new rug for saving his partner from getting a concussion.

"Me too, mi amor," Eddie moaned, the pet name slipping out on instinct, "me too, you're- so good for me, so good."

That seemed to take Buck right over the edge, his thigh shaking under Eddie's hand as he came, cum shooting up on his stomach. And fuck wasn't that a sight. Eddie could never get enough of seeing Buck's face like this - lips parted on a moan and eyes pressed shut in pleasure.

It was enough for Eddie to follow close behind, only two or three more strokes before he came too, right on Buck, mixing with his own cum. He still panted hard as he let himself fall on top of him. "Jesus."

"I think you're confusing locations right now," Buck mused, voice breathless, "that's where your parents are."

He had not just...

Eddie lifted his head to stare at him, squinting his eyes. Buck only grinned, staring right back until both of them broke out into another fit of laughter, not doing each other any favor in catching their breath in the slightest. "Really, Buck? You're so ridiculous, oh my god."

"You were the one who jumped me in your parent's house," Buck pointed out and, okay-

"Fair," Eddie sighed, lazily tilting his head to press his lips against Buck's. "We should go get cleaned up."

"Or," Buck drew out the word, kissing Eddie's cheek, "I stay right here while you go get a washcloth."

"Oh, I see how it is," Eddie mused, nuzzling his jaw and feeling the stubble scratch his skin. He loved it. "Letting me do all the work..."

"A team effort," Buck corrected.

Eddie hummed, sucking another mark into the opposite side of his neck, matching. "I was gonna go take a shower, but if you wanna stay here..."

He nearly startled as Buck flipped them over in one impatient motion, hovering over Eddie to press one, two, more kisses to the corners of his lips before standing up at once and holding out a hand for Eddie. "How long does a church mess usually last?"

Eddie scrambled for his phone, tossed aside and half-slid underneath the bed. "How confident do you feel about fifteen more minutes?"

Buck raised his brows with a suggestive little smirk.

Turns out, Buck was able to perform some really confident actions in fifteen minutes, which Eddie had nothing to complain about. No notes. Buck really had not exaggerated in that rimming section of his powerpoint presentation that - by the way - Buck had still made him watch until the very last slide.

But as much as Eddie felt like the most relaxed jello in the world by the time they got out of the shower - just in time to hear the keys turn in the door - that relaxation faded almost as soon as they met his parents back downstairs.

"Did you unpack everything?" Helena asked as she stripped off her coat. "You missed such a beautiful Sunday mess."

Christopher hadn't even walked through the door yet.

"Not fully," Eddie replied as casually as he could. "We have a few more things left."

Helena frowned. "You have one suitcase."

"And a bag," Chris replied helpfully as he pushed his way past her, smiling up at Eddie. "Grandpa said we can go to the lake, if you want. Because I finished all my homework for the weekend."

He loved this kid so much.

"Of course, Buddy," Eddie replied, unable to fight off his own smile, noting that Chris was still wearing his shoes inside - something that his mom would've killed him for if he'd done it as a child. "Do you wanna go now?"

"Yeah!"

Eddie turned to look at Buck, tilting his head in a question.

Buck gently shook his head. "You go. I am sure you have a lot to catch up on, just the two of you." He nodded towards Helena and Ramon. "And I can help with lunch?"

"You cook?" Ramon asked, judging tone filled with a bit of curiosity and wonder too.

Eddie had to stop himself from laughing, because his father certainly did not know that once you asked Buck about cooking, he would not shut up about it for the foreseeable future. When exactly he'd learned how to cook, where he got his recipes from, the fact that he generally preferred baking - except for when it came to cakes - and everything he knew about oven safety.

Because Buck was perfect.

Eddie was so in love with him.

"We'll be back in an hour," Eddie promised.

"How many eggs do you have, Mrs. Diaz?" Buck replied.

Eddie rolled his eyes fondly as he waved him goodbye, only barely stopping himself from kissing Buck too before he left the house with his son by his side.

The humid air hit him with more nostalgia than it had when they'd gotten out of the car. Maybe because it was calmer now, the sounds of Christopher's crutches against the pavement a familiar sound associated with happiness. Or because he got a good look at the house next door for the first time in years - careful not to stare at it while his parents could see - as Chris and he walked past it, right down the path of stamped grass.

"She's nice," Chris said, drawing Eddie's attention back to him.

"Who?" Eddie asked.

Chris nudged his head towards the house. "The neighbor. Ms. Wright. She is very nice."

'Mrs.', Eddie wanted to correct at first, only for the word to die in his throat as he realized that, right, the woman that lived in this house wasn't Dorothy. It wasn't Janet either. He and his sisters didn't go there to draw and eat cookies anymore.

He nodded. "I've never met her."

They got to the lake not soon after, searching for a nice spot in the sun, the remnants of black in the ground long gone by effects of weather and time, though Eddie could still pinpoint the spot where lightning had struck by heart.

The memory felt more bitter now, thinking back. Pictures of brewing storms mixing with the sensation of a lifeless body beneath his hands as he tried so desperately to start a heart with pleas of "talk to me".

Eddie tossed them aside with a shake to his head, focusing all of his attention on Christopher who had picked out a nice patch of grass close to the lake to sit on. It was still too cold out to go swimming, but Eddie didn't mourn it much. It had been a while since he last went to the ocean in California too.

"Is this where you met mom?" Chris asked just as soon as Eddie sat down beside him, looking out on the water. He knew they met here, at the lake, for the first time. But that wasn't the question.

Eddie smiled, pointing a finger to the ground they were sitting on. "Right here."

"Cool," Chris said simply, but his hand brushed through the grass like it was meaningful. "I brought my friends here a few times."

"You did?" Eddie asked, trying to construct faces to the names that Chris had slipped into conversation more and more over their last phone calls. "I used to come here with mine too. Even on the day I met your mom."

"Did they like her?"

Eddie chuckled. "I think everyone liked your mom. She was super awesome."

Christopher was quiet for a moment, not looking at Eddie when he said, "No one can replace her."

And here they were. This part of the conversation. The one Eddie had been waiting to have for months, all the words and things he wanted to say suddenly gone like they vanished into thin air. He took a deep breath. "I am sorry, Christopher. I wish I could go back in time and never ever make this dumb decision."

"But you can't," Chris replied. He didn't sound angry, at least. He wasn't yelling at Eddie.

That was progress.

Maybe he'd been preparing for this conversation for months too.

"You're right," Eddie agreed, nodding. "But I still want to fix it. If you'll let me. Because I love you, Chris, and I made a mistake, but I will spend the rest of my life trying to make up for it, I promise-"

Chris buried his head in his chest as he surged forward, hugging him. "I forgive you, Dad."

Eddie wasn't sure if he deserved it. But he wasn't gonna let righteousness run the course of his happiness anymore, so Eddie hugged him back, wrapping his arms around Chris as he pulled him closer, tenderly pressing a kiss to the top of his head. He let his eyes shut, just for a moment, just for a second, to make up for all the time he didn't get to hold his son in his arms like this.

"You always say that I can talk to you about anything," Chris said, voice muffled before he pulled back, looking straight into Eddie's eyes. "But you can talk to me too, you know? I am not a kid anymore."

"You're right," Eddie said, brushing a few stray curls back from Christopher's forehead. "But you'll always be my kid."

Christopher rolled his eyes. Eddie had missed him so much.

"Yeah, yeah," Christopher grumbled. "As long as you're not keeping any more life altering secrets from me."

Well, Eddie did not plan to have this conversation right after this but...

Chris was right. Eddie really needed to start and learn that he could talk to his son. Even if there was no one he was more terrified to come out to. Not because he had any doubts about the way he'd raised him, but because...this was about a part of Eddie that contradicted whatever Christopher had known about his own father for the entire trajectory of his existence and Eddie had no idea how he would react to it.

"There's one more thing," Eddie said, straightening his shoulders. He turned to face Chris more properly. "While you were here in Texas I tried to work on myself. On being a better father through learning to be better myself and I- okay, so, I figured out some things that I never really had time to think about before. To...uh, uncover?"

"Okay," Chris replied carefully, sounding a bit reluctant. "Will this further traumatize me?"

"God, I hope not," Eddie muttered under his breath, feeling at least a little lighter when Chris snorted. "I guess I'll just come out with it."

Chris waited, blinking. Eddie stared back. "Well...? Come out with it?"

"I just did," Eddie said, jazz hands and all. "Come out, that is."

"Oh my god," Chris said and for a moment Eddie was concerned, searching for the right words to explain things better when Chris added, "Your dad jokes are the worst! I can't believe this is how you came out to me, what the fuck dad-"

"Language."

"-I mean, Buck was better at this than you! This was like minimum effort, wow."

Eddie couldn't help it. He had to laugh. If in relief or because Christopher seemed genuinely offended by nothing but the fact that his dad was bad at coming out, he wasn't sure, but it didn't matter much anyway when Christopher joined in soon after.

"No, but, seriously-" Chris said after a while, still chuckling a little when he looked back to the lake. "I'm not that surprised but...can you explain?"

Ignoring the not surprised part of that question, Eddie leaned back on his hands, feeling the sun cast a warm light on his face. "As much as I loved your mom- and I really did. I did, Chris, it's, uh... I think it took me experiencing what that real romantic love feels like to realize that it's different. I'm gay. And...demisexual. I don't know if you know what that means-"

Chris gave him a look. "Of course I know what that means."

"Well, I didn't!" Eddie tried to defend himself, sighing. "Actually, Buck helped me figure that out...in...multiple ways."

"Oh," Chris said. He was quiet, fingers catching onto a rock in the grass, turning it in his palm. "So..."

"So," Eddie echoed.

"Does Buck know?" Chris asked. "That you're in love with him?"

"He does."

"So you're dating," Chris concluded, apparently very confident in the fact that Buck loved Eddie back, which in hindsight was much more obvious to Eddie too, thanks. He'd just been a bit too busy freaking out to notice it sooner.

Eddie absentmindedly plucked out the grass around him with his fingers, tugging on it to stifle his nerves. "When I didn't answer that one call...there'd been an accident at work."

Chris furrowed his brows. "You didn't tell me."

"I am telling you now," Eddie explained. "We, Buck and I, got trapped underground. Buck was-...things didn't look good and I thought to myself, am I really gonna watch him..." he couldn't actually say that word. Especially not to Chris. "Do I risk never telling him, just because I am afraid?"

"So you did," Chris concluded.

Eddie let go of the grass, rubbing his palms on his thighs. "I understand if this is something that you don't want Chris. If you need more time before I date again. I will respect that. If you never want me to date...then I will respect that too. Because you are and will always be my priority. Always. Don't you ever forget that."

Chris was quiet for another awfully long moment, before slowly putting the stone in his palm back down. He didn't throw it in the lake, wasn't angry. Not like Eddie was whenever he came here. "You have to promise me one thing."

"Anything," Eddie said and he meant it.

"Whatever happens, Buck won't leave." Chris watched him carefully. "I don't mind you dating. In fact, I am surprised it took this long, but no matter if you stay together or something happens and you don't- Buck stays."

Eddie didn't bother to wipe the tear away that he felt trailing down his cheek. It was a happy tear. And Eddie had emotions - emotions that he wasn't gonna hide from his own flesh and blood. Eddie nodded. "I promise. You'll have to talk to Buck as well, but he'll promise too, I know that."

Chris held up his pinky. "Buckley promise."

Eddie wasn't sure if he sobbed or laughed as he interlinked his pinky with Chris' - probably a weird mixture of both - but Chris didn't call him out on it. He just hugged him again. "I'm happy for you."

"I'm happy for me too."

When they got back to the house, the smell of chili seeping through the door before they'd even entered, Chris didn't waste a second to run up to Buck, slinging his arms around him just the same.

He still had his apron on - the one he insisted on bringing along because, "it's a present from Bobby, Eddie!" - and Eddie didn't want to picture his parent's reaction when he'd pulled it out. Although the mental image alone was award worthy. His hair wasn't damp from the shower anymore, an already soft smile turning even softer when he gently ruffled Chris' hair before meeting Eddie's eyes above his head.

And he knew, because of course he did. Eddie was sure he had it written all over his face.

Buck mouthed the words, "went well?" and Eddie didn't need to reply.

But he did so anyway. "Yeah."

Sometimes silent conversations were better said out loud.

Chapter Text

Eddie, quite quickly, came to the realization that the worst thing about visiting El Paso was not just staying with his parents. It was staying with his parents while his son went to school – planning to finish the school year here in El Paso.

Because Eddie could deal with Ramon and Helena Diaz as long as it meant he was able to also spend time with his son. He could not deal with his parents while Buck went to drive Chris to school on a Monday morning, head still pounding from an emotionally exhausting Sunday and the lack of Buck-shaped pillow spooning him in the night.

Thanks a lot, single beds. It's not like Eddie had already grown used to the idea of never sleeping in a bed alone ever again.

"Hopefully your friend will find the way to Christopher's school," Helena said, tone carefully neutral as she watched Eddie take all of their plates and mugs back to the sink.

"Buck's good with directions," Eddie replied with a shrug, frowning at his mother's only half-empty plate considering Chris had insisted Buck cook breakfast. Just like he'd insisted Buck drive him to school today. "And I am pretty sure that, even if they got lost, Chris would be able to give him navigation."

Helena was quiet, gaze wandering over to where Eddie's father was still sitting at the table, reading his newspaper in no hurry. The perk of being retired, Eddie supposed. Though he didn't even want to start imagining losing his job to old age. "He did come to grow familiar with the area. Chris likes it here."

So this was what this was about. Eddie stopped scrubbing the plates to look up at his mother. "I'd be concerned if not. He stayed here for quite a few months. Good thing he loves LA."

"I think he really feels at home here," Helena tried again. "More than…"

She trailed off. Eddie played dumb. "More than I did when I grew up here? How nice."

It was enough for her to drop it – for now. Eddie really wasn't about to discuss Christopher's living situation with his parents before he talked to his son about it. And even then, it was Eddie who had the final say in it. The final say that is, and would always be, Christopher is coming home.

Their home. The one they crafted for themselves; all three of them.

Someone knocked on the door and Helena made no move to get it. "Well."

Eddie rolled his eyes at her, huffing as he opened it to come face to face with a grinning Buck. It's all it took to tug the corners of Eddie's own lips upward too. He wanted to kiss him. "Welcome back."

"Did you know that they have new swim club sweaters now?" Buck asked immediately, brushing past Eddie with a bag in hand that he definitely didn't have before he went out. "They aren't sage anymore like your old one, but this cyan color! Which, according to the the book-"

"-means that you're spending too much time over-analyzing your sticky notes?" Eddie asked teasingly, chuckling at the glare Buck threw his way before he set the bag on top of the kitchen counters, making Helena frown pointedly.

"What's that?" She asked.

"Groceries," Buck replied, like it was that simple. "I noticed you're running low on eggs and milk this morning so I stopped by at this bio market on the way back. They have some really good stuff and the cashier was so nice too- Deborah, in case you know her? Anyways, I think the cyan symbolizes youth, which is a pretty sweet detail, don't you think?"

Helena blinked rapidly, probably not used to Buck's excited rambles yet. To Eddie, this was a normal conversation speed by now. "You stopped by- Deborah? What?"

"Thank you," Eddie said in place of his mother, moving over to empty the bags, opening the fridge, just like they did at home. An undeniably great team. "I don't think they know a Deborah though. We always bought the cheap groceries when I was a kid."

Buck hummed. "Is that another dig at what I spend my money on?"

Eddie flashed him a grin. "Oh, never."

"Hello!" Helena snapped her fingers. "I'm still here! What is happening?"

Buck frowned at her – adorably so. People didn't often complain about him being too fast, too loud or too random. What they did say was that Buck was too much.

Something that Eddie never quite understood, considering that Buck was just the right amount of everything and all that he gave was as much as Eddie loved. 237 PowerPoint slides were nightmare fuel, but they were Buck's 237 PowerPoint slides and that made them just right.

That's how Eddie saw it and that's how it always would be.

And when people on calls did say something- did blow a fuss - which, again, didn't happen often considering they were distracted enough by big strong firefighters, bleeding out or both - Eddie got mad.

They may not be on a call right now, but somehow that made it worse. When adrenaline was running high it was easier to justify a negative reaction than it was watching his mother stare at them like they were the frustrating ones.

"Just say thank you, Mom," Eddie sighed.

"If I knew what I was saying thank you for," Helena replied, crossing her arms. "Can't you tell your friend to slow down?"

Eddie pointedly stared at the milk carton and eggs in his hands, mumbling, "Take a wild guess if you're already too slow to follow a simple conversation."

"It's okay," Buck assured him before Eddie could lose his temper at his mother, turning a kind smile towards Helena. "I'm sorry, I start talking a little fast when I get excited sometimes."

He should not have to apologize for that. Not when it was something that Eddie adored about him.

Helena hummed, eyeing the grocery bag for some long, stretching seconds before she finally spoke through gritted teeth. "Thank you. I was going to drive to the supermarket later today."

"Now you can save gas and time!" Buck replied happily as Eddie put the last of it away.

If he was an actual golden retriever, he'd probably be wagging his tail right now. Actually, maybe they could go upstairs and Eddie could-

"Now that Christopher is at school can you trim the bushes in the garden, Eddie?" Ramon called from the table, not averting his eyes from his newspaper. "You said you'd do it last time."

Eddie tried his best to not sigh as he put on his most friendly smile. "Sure."

Because, yeah, Eddie would prefer to do other things (or people) right now, but he did insist that he'd help his father with the garden once he went into retirement and began struggling with the level of exertion he could put into tasks like this.

Even if Buck looked incredibly attractive - shirt clinging to his chest with sweat and muscles clenched - as he helped Eddie with the garden scissors. If they didn't have windows overlooking the green patch behind the house, Eddie would be pushing his tongue down his throat right now.

"What?" Buck asked, tilting his head at Eddie.

"Nothing," Eddie replied with a casual shrug, continuing to trim the rapidly growing thorns back. "Was just thinking about how much I'd like to fuck you right now."

Buck choked on the sip of water he was currently drinking, aggressively hitting himself on the chest as he glared at Eddie. Though, glare was probably the wrong word for it. His eyes were wide, pupils blown. "When did you say your parents leave for bingo with their friends?"

Eddie smirked. One would assume that Buck didn't get flustered this easily when it came to sex considering his whole history. And he didn't. Usually.

Somehow Eddie was pleasantly surprised that it was different when it came to the two of them.

Or maybe he just really liked to tease Buck until he was a blushing, stammering mess.

"Every Wednesday. Day after tomorrow."

Buck pouted. "And you're telling me now?"

Eddie glanced towards the windows, checking that no one was looking outside right now, before he leaned towards Buck to press a soft kiss to his lips, grinning. "Something to look forward to."

Buck cupped his cheek as he stole one more.

Garden work really did suck. If it was just the trimming, fine, alright. It was exhausting but not too different from the physical things they had to do at work; there was some routine to it.

Eddie's black thumb was also particularly useful for this task– killing plants and all that.

What was worse, was gathering all those tiny twigs and leaves, leaning down to pick them up and store them in trash bags to take away later. Eddie could already feel his back crying in protest by the time they reached the first hour.

His mother wasn't a monster though. She walked out with a tray of sandwiches and cold beers just as Eddie was ready to lie down in the grass and never get up again.

Which is how they found themselves sitting around a pile of leaves and weeds, quietly not-enjoying the heat of El Paso. Buck had discarded his shirt entirely at some point, wrung out and hung over a chair to dry in the sun.

His hickeys were clearly on display this way – the ones Eddie had put on his skin. If his mother noticed, she didn't ask and Eddie didn't care.

He let his eyes wander to the space slowly beginning to show again behind walls of green - the outlines of a roof that still had the same color even after years of Eddie not seeing it.

And even if he technically had - yesterday - when he walked to the lake with Chris, Eddie couldn't pull his eyes away from the place. And Buck noticed. Because of course he did. "So, what is this all about?"

"Hm?" Eddie asked, taking another swig of his beer.

"The house," Buck replied, following Eddie's gaze. "You keep looking over there."

Eddie let the liquid cool the burning in his throat, holding Buck's weight as he leaned into him, arm wrapped around his shoulder to try and squeeze closer, impatiently trying to crane his neck and get a clearer view. "Do you remember what I told you during the painting class? How I started drawing?"

Buck narrowed his eyes, thinking. "Your neighbor's old cat?"

Of course he remembered. Buck kept every little detail Eddie revealed to him tucked to his chest like it was a medal. "More or less. The woman that used to live there, she was..."

Funny, caring, kind, a good soul. Dorothy Wright was many things. One of them was dead.

"I think you would've liked her," Eddie confessed quietly, picturing Buck in those four walls that he spent a lot of his childhood in. This place had a sense of irony in it. He'd never been able to get to know Dorothy's wife, not truly, and she'd never been able to meet Shannon or Buck. "She was a big romantic, like you."

"As if you aren't." Buck smirked at Eddie's raised brows, expression turning a bit more serious when he asked, "When did she die?"

"When I was fifteen, shortly before Janet's death day," Eddie explained, remembering it clearer than most of his early childhood. "Uh, Janet was- my neighbor's name was Dorothy. Janet was her wife."

"Oh?" Buck asked.

"Yeah." Eddie nodded. "She was the first. I mean, you know. My parents never liked her because of it, but Abuela? They were best friends and she always brought me and my sisters over regardless. We'd eat together, play in the garden. Dorothy was..."

He didn't realize how choked up he'd gotten until Buck reached out to squeeze his shoulder, meeting Eddie's blurry gaze. It'd been so long, but Eddie never...he never really said it out loud. He'd mourned with Abuela and Sophia, but he'd never mourned her for himself, for the influence this woman had on his life, the one his family could never understand.

Instead Eddie had tried to run from it. He'd always run.

"All because of this stupid cat," Eddie choked out a laugh.

Buck smiled softly, wiping a tear from his cheek. "The cat you drew?"

Eddie stared into Buck's blue eyes - the ones that shone like lightning - holding his hand in place before he could drop it back to his side. That damn cat. He still wasn't sure how he so vividly remembered it meowing at him at the lake - before the storm - despite having died that same morning.

"Yeah," Eddie agreed, fondly shaking his head. "Abuela used to be convinced that he chose me for something."

Something. That the reason why the cat always walked around Eddie's legs, purring in his lap, was because he had plans for him. And yet, before Eddie could ever disprove that theory, he died.

Although that was a proof in itself, wasn't it? There were no grand revelations to it.

Eddie found him by random, after running off, and for some reason the cat had imprinted on him. The universe had nothing to do with it, or God, or any force bigger than them. All of this was just one decision, one wizard staff and one temper tantrum and one cat leading Eddie to the backyard of the person who told him, "You're gonna find someone like this too one day."

"That sounds like Abuela," Buck chuckled. "What was his name?"

"Daniel."

Buck leaned his head on Eddie's shoulder. "That's a good name."

Eddie hummed as he reached out, fingers running through sweaty curls, brushing them out of Buck's face. His expression was peaceful - much more so than what it used to look like when his dead brother was brought up before. Eddie supposed Maddie had been a big factor in that - recounting stories to him and spending the day with Buck on their brother's death day, getting flowers even if they couldn't visit Daniel's grave.

"It is," Eddie agreed.

"For what it's worth," Buck said, lacing their fingers together. "I think he would've liked you too."

"Yeah?" Eddie asked. Buck couldn't remember him. All the memories he had of Daniel were Maddie's own. Yet, for some reason, Eddie didn't fail to believe that.

"Maddie said," Buck whispered, the gaze that still lingered on the house behind the fence more glassy and far away now than it had been minutes ago, "one of the last things she remembered about him was a promise they'd made. A pinky promise."

Buck held his pinky up for demonstration. "It took a lot of wine to tickle it out of her," he explained, smiling. "But it was- they knew how Mom and Dad got after things with Daniel didn't get better. So they wanted to make sure."

Eddie tilted his head at Buck. "What did they promise?"

"Maddie promised to make sure I'd be okay now," Buck counted, raising a second finger, "And Daniel promised to make sure I'd be okay later."

"Oh."

"Well, of course he died, so he didn't get to but- he wanted to." Buck shrugged. "Or, who knows, maybe he is watching over me. I know you don't believe in this stuff, but-"

"He is," Eddie cut him off without thinking twice about it, not even sure why he did. He squeezed Buck's hand, quoting, "Destiny exists. Even to disbelievers."

Buck's eyes widened in surprise before the corners of his mouth melted into an appreciative smile, leaning in to brush their lips together and make Eddie feel it in the kiss. "Dorothy told you that?"

"No, Abuela did," Eddie explained, turning his gaze towards the house once more. "I haven't been over there since Dorothy's death. Even after her niece moved in."

"Then we should go together," Buck offered. "Say hi."

Eddie stared at him. "You serious?"

"Yeah, sure! Come on!"

It's how Eddie ended up standing in front of his neighbor's door for the first time in almost two decades, knocking with his heart threatening to jump out of his chest and pulse skyrocketing for absolutely no reason. Buck's hand in his helped though.

Hopefully Eddie's parents wouldn't notice them missing from the garden.

At least Buck had thrown on a shirt again.

"Hello?" A woman answered the door, smiling politely with a toddler on her hip. "How can I help you?"

Eddie smiled back, though much more nervously. "Sorry, we did not want to interrupt, I'm- well, my parents live next door and I used to as well, uhm. I'm Eddie Diaz. I was a friend of Dorothy."

To say her eyes lit up would be an understatement. "Oh, you've grown so tall, Eddie! I didn't know you still lived in El Paso?"

"Oh, uh, I don't. We live in L.A.," Eddie said gesturing towards Buck who gave her an excited wave. "Just passing through. But... you know me?"

"Of course," the woman said, holding out her hand to both of them. "Franny. This little girl here is my granddaughter Jenny. Say hi, Jen!"

Buck, as expected, immediately melted at the sight of the toddler, cooing, "Hey, Jen! What a beautiful name you have!"

Eddie's shoulders tensed. He had a feeling. He just didn't know...

"After Janet," Franny confirmed his suspicion, a kind smile on her lips. "We used to call her and Dorothy all the time when me and my brother still lived in California. A little less after Janet's death, but, well, your abuela reconnected us again. And, oh, Dorothy could never stop talking about you kids and your shenanigans back then."

He had misjudged Dorothy's niece and nephew as a child.

"Really?"

Franny nodded. "Eddie, Sophia and little Adriana Diaz. I think I still have some of your drawings in her old boxes."

Eddie felt like crying. "You kept her old stuff?"

"As if I'd ever throw it away," Franny said, hesitating before she pointed a thumb over her shoulder. "Do you guys want to come in and go through them? I- wait, I didn't catch your name."

"Oh, it's Buck!" Buck introduced himself excitedly.

"My partner," Eddie added.

Franny's smile never once faded from her lips as she invited them into her home, the old couch still right where Eddie remembered it and a vase filled with sunflowers on the little coffee table in its front. "I think there's still a..." Franny mumbled, searching through the shelves in the living room. "Aha! There it is."

She leaned down to where they'd sat down, handing Eddie a picture book with a title that he remembered.

"What's that?" Buck asked in a whisper.

"That," Eddie said, opening it up to a page with a picture of an art gallery and a dress that was a deep shade of green, even if you wouldn't know it by the black and white nature of it. "Is a love story."

When Eddie and Buck came back to the house it smelled nice. There wasn't anything odd about this - not necessarily - but despite Eddie's mother not being a good cook, she wasn't a great cook either.

So it didn't take long before Eddie connected the dots, walking into the kitchen to find his favorite woman in the entire world spinning around with a pan and the biggest grin possible on her face. "Eddito!"

"Abuela!" Eddie nearly yelled, feeling twelve years old again as he rushed towards her, pulling her into a bone-crushing hug. "What are you doing here?!"

"Well, a little birdie told me that my grandson and his very culinarily skilled best friend were in town," Abuela explained, holding another arm open for Buck, which he immediately fell into. "Ay, cariños! I missed your pretty faces!"

"It's so good to see you, Abuela," Buck replied, grinning giddily as she first pressed a kiss to each of Eddie's cheeks and then Buck's. "L.A. is not the same without you there."

"Ah," she scoffed, waving him off. "You're just flattering me."

"No, no, he's right," Eddie agreed, squeezing her one more time before pulling back. "We missed you so much."

Abuela put her hands to her hips. "Me or my cooking?"

"Is both an option?" Eddie asked.

She lovingly pinched his cheek just as Helena and Ramon joined them, keeping their distance by a few feet. "Ah, good, you're back. You know, Eddie, phones are only useful if you take them with you in case, I don't know, someone calls you to ask where you've run off too?"

Abuela raised a playful eyebrow at him. "Still the same old Eddie."

Eddie ignored the tease. "We were just over at Franny's."

"Dorothy's niece?" Abuela asked, which definitely was the wrong thing to say in front of his parents.

"Seriously, Eddie?" Ramon asked, exasperation written all over his face.

"I'm an adult now, you know?" Eddie sighed. "You're not dictating whether or not I go over to the neighbors to say 'hi' anymore."

Ramon's mumbled comment of, "And look where that led you," was barely audible but just enough so to reach Eddie's ears. And he didn't- Eddie really didn't want to argue right now. Not again, over and over, in front of his abuela that he hadn't seen in so long.

"Ramon," Abuela warned, "get out of my kitchen."

"My kitchen," Helena corrected.

"Not today," Abuela argued, waving her off. "I'm cooking. You two go and let me talk to my boys in peace."

One thing that hadn't changed either was Eddie's parents listening to whatever Abuela told them to do - mostly, at least. They grumbled some more, sharing harsh whispers as they left the room, but they did leave the room.

Eddie really wished he had this kind of power over them sometimes.

"So, Dorothy?" Abuela asked as soon as they were out of sight, regarding Buck and Eddie with a new, careful sort of analyzing expression. "You found what you were looking for?"

It should be nerve wracking - technically - to tell her. The woman that helped raise Eddie, who was always on his side no matter the argument he had with his parents and who helped him out with Christopher before Carla and Buck. She was one of the most important people in Eddie's life - the one who'd been in it for the longest - and yet...

Eddie's hand reached for Buck's on instinct, fingers intertwining as he tilted his head at him. "Yeah." He met his abuela's gaze. "I did."

Abuela's eyes watered alongside her blinding smile, whispering "¡gracias!" as she hugged them both again, plastering more kisses to cheeks. "About time."

Eddie didn't even notice the tears running down his face until Abuela cupped his cheek, brushing them away. "I love you."

Chapter Text

"It's beautiful," Buck hummed after a long moment of silence, shifting his head in Eddie's lap as he blinked up at him. The sun basked his face in a pretty glow, shining warm enough for them to sit on their jackets instead of sinking into them - gaze on the lake as the water rippled. El Paso was leaning towards heat like that.

"I told you," Eddie replied, holding his sketchbook over Buck's head, making careful and small lines with the pencil. He'd found it this morning - in Sophia's old drawer. It was pink with stickers plastered all over the cover and yet she'd never actually doodled in it, so Eddie supposed she wouldn't mind him taking it to the lake with them.

Christopher was still at school, Eddie's parents were still...

Well. It was good to be away from the house - at least for a little while. He couldn't hold Buck in front of his parents' eyes, feel his chest lighter with every tentative touch of his fingertips, reaching up to trail along the hairs on Eddie's arms.

It wasn't quite spring yet, but the birds always sang earlier here.

"What are you drawing?" Buck asked in a whisper so as to not disturb their melody.

Eddie wasn't quite sure, honestly. He was just sketching right now; that familiar stained glass design, though he felt his eyes drawn to the flowers just starting to bloom around them, craning their heads in the light breeze. "Marigolds."

"The color?" Buck asked and Eddie had to chuckle, running a hand through his curls and making him purr like a damn cat. "I thought you were drawing with a pencil."

"I am," Eddie replied. "I meant the flower."

Buck followed his gaze to the patch of marigolds by the lake, just a few feet ahead of them. They were sturdy flowers - even surviving in the winter if the temperatures didn't drop too far below zero. He knew that because Abuela had often talked about it; to explain her gardening habits.

She'd probably hoped to somehow cure Eddie's black thumb this way. Instead, Eddie had ended up with the knowledge of flowers and no way to put it to any use without draining them of life. He admired them though; those sturdy types of plants. Marigolds especially.

They always broke through the dirt no matter if and how often the conditions weren't in their favor. They always found sunlight.

Eddie smiled as Buck reached for his book, pulling it down to his chest to take a look at the drawing that was almost done anyway. His eyes shone so bright out here, in nature, dimples drawn into his cheeks with the way he was smiling at it, pointing out all the details and petals with innocent wonder and fascination.

He could stare at him forever like this. Eddie could spend his life with Buck by his side, head in his lap and Eddie's hands running through his hair and down the side of his face, absentmindedly brushing over his skin while he chatted away - giving Eddie so many compliments that he could feel his cheeks starting to heat up with it. "You have this like- this amazing art style and you're telling me you've never sold any of those designs? It looks so good, Eddie!"

"I've never really thought about it," Eddie confessed, fighting the urge to lean down and kiss the crown of Buck's head until he realized he could actually do that now. He was free to. So he did - gently and slowly pressing his lips to a mop of curls and nuzzling his nose against them. "I didn't present my art to a lot of people back in the day. Maybe Dorothy, my abuela. Sophia too sometimes. I'm not sure my parents are even aware that I used to draw a lot."

Buck frowned at that. "They're missing out. You should show them."

"I don't know," Eddie shrugged, letting his gaze wander back to the book in Buck's hands - the pencil drawing. It was an arched window - as always - with a thick outline and many thin pencil strokes within; shards of glass stacked together to create the illusion of two marigold flowers, intertwined at the stem, trapped inside it. Enduring, sturdy. But also lively. "I kind of like that you're the only one who gets to see it."

"Yeah?" Buck asked, grinning.

"Yeah," Eddie confirmed, counting tiny freckles on the bridge of Buck's nose. "Though, maybe I'll show Chris later too."

Buck's smile only got wider at that. "You should!"

Eddie hadn't asked Chris yet. They'd played video games together after school yesterday and Buck had helped with homework after Abuela left, but it just hadn't seemed like the right moment. That, and Eddie wasn't quite sure how to broach the topic.

He couldn't just outright ask Chris to come home, could he? It felt almost imposing, like Eddie was taking him away from a place that he'd grown so accustomed to. Away from cyan swim team sweaters and Abuela close by. Away from the lake and new friends and - even if Eddie hated to admit it - his grandparents too.

Even if it was his right as Chris' father.

That didn't mean it made it feel any less wrong.

Because Eddie didn't have that right, not technically, after he was the one who drove Chris away in the first place. But he missed his son - so much - and Chris had admitted the same thing. Eddie wouldn't move back here. He couldn't do that. El Paso wasn't his home - never had been - and this wasn't where his family resided.

Not the majority of it.

He just hadn't found the right words yet. Or the time. Or maybe just the bravery to ask,

'Christopher, will you come home with us?'

Because what if he said, 'no' ?

"Can I take a picture of this?" Buck asked, pulling Eddie out of his train of thought. He looked down to see Buck fidgeting with his phone, typing something in an angle just impossible enough for Eddie to make out. "The drawing?"

Eddie shrugged. "Sure, go ahead."

"Thanks," Buck said, snapping a quick picture before he continued to type, muttering things every now and then that Eddie could barely make out, like, 'hm no' and 'oh, this one', which did little to stifle Eddie's curiosity as to what on Earth he was doing right now.

But every time Eddie went to lean in, went to try and see, Buck held his phone up further against his nose, squirming away in Eddie's lap until he was eventually lying on him side-ways, legs dangling off his left leg and upper-body off his right. It was a little endearing, honestly, that he couldn't even seem to bring himself to pull away from Eddie to do whatever he was looking at right now, which-

"You're not scrolling on a porn site, are you?" Eddie asked, half teasing, half this-is-something-Buck-would-actually-do.

Buck glared at him. "No."

"What's the secrecy for then?" Eddie asked.

"First of all, I would share my porn with you," Buck replied, finally putting his phone away with a last satisfied nod before sitting up straight again, meeting Eddie's gaze. "And secondly...you'll see."

Eddie raised his brows. "I'll see? You know I don't like surprises, right?"

"You'll like this one," Buck replied, then frowned. "Or, well, you'd talk me out of it if I told you right now, so..."

"That does not make me feel confident," Eddie pointed out.

Buck pushed him back into the grass without warning, straddling his lap to lean down and press their lips together - long and thorough, teasing his tongue against Eddie's bottom lip until he opened his mouth for him. "Don't worry about it."

Eddie hummed, groaning softly when Buck pressed another - softer - kiss to his pulse point, fingers trailing down his chest and underneath his shirt. "Are you trying to distract me?"

"Maybe," Buck mumbled, licking along his jaw, making Eddie shiver as a gust of wind tickled the wet skin. "Will you let me?"

"Mhm out-," Eddie mumbled, gasping when Buck let his hand wander lower, down to the waistband of his jeans, "-here?"

"You said no one comes here this time of year, right?" Buck asked in between kisses, licking into Eddie's mouth and driving him just a little insane. "And Chris is still at school..."

This was reckless. It was also a little insane. And it was definitely not something that Eddie had ever done, because apart from Shannon and Buck his sexual experiences were really damn limited. But he couldn't deny that he also felt a surge of excitement at the idea, pooling around in his stomach, making his heart beat faster because this was risky but it was also-

It was also Buck. And Eddie wanted all of Buck for all of time; like the world's strongest plus and minus pool drawing each other in. "Okay."

"Okay?" Buck repeated, slowly and teasingly running his hands over the material of Eddie's pants, inching his fingertips up along the inside of his thighs, cupping the growing bulge in his jeans with a smirk.

"Okay," Eddie breathed out again, throwing his head back.

Buck didn't waste anymore time before he shifted out of his lap, further down, leaning in to- jesus - open Eddie's zipper with his teeth. He was smug about it too, because of course he was, grinning like an idiot as Eddie inhaled sharply at the action.

He pulled him out of his pants with practiced ease, grabbing a hand around the base and stroking once, twice, before leaning down to put his mouth on Eddie's cock like it was the easiest thing in the world.

"Fuck," Eddie moaned, reaching out to curl his hand into Buck's hair, trying not to fuck into his mouth on instinct. Because god, Buck was so fucking good with his mouth, it should be illegal. It should be a criminal offense that Eddie had stared at those lips for seven years without feeling them on the head of his cock, sinking down on him and swallowing around it.

"Yes, that's so good, you're so perfect," Eddie encouraged, muttered in between shaky breaths as Buck bobbed his head up and down, going deeper each time. And he was- he looked so amazing while doing so, so pretty, so beautiful. "Look at me, mi amor."

Buck looked up instantly, readily so, meeting Eddie's eyes with blown pupils, shifting his legs where Eddie could feel his own clothed cock pressing against his leg. Later, Eddie told himself. He cupped Buck's jaw, felt the tip of his cock pressing against it from the inside. And fuck- that almost sent him over the edge. "Buck."

He went slower again, holding eye contact as he pulled off, breathing heavily before leaning in again, swirling his tongue over the head, dipping his tongue into the slit and- shit.

"You like this?" Buck mumbled around his cock, teasing his balls with his fingers, rubbing. Eddie moaned again. "You like when I make you come apart, turn you into a whining mess?"

"Yes, yes-," Eddie gasped for air, tugging harder on Buck's hair when he licked a stripe all the way down the side of his cock. "God, fuck, Buck."

He hollowed his cheeks, swallowing around him, hands pressing Eddie's hips further into the grass - their jackets somewhere abandoned next to them. Eddie didn't really mind the cool feeling - not when he felt like he was burning underneath Buck's every touch of lips and hands - but damn it the grass was pointy.

He'd be more annoyed by it later - when he wasn't so turned on and nearing his orgasm.

"That's it, that's it-" Eddie mumbled, choking on another moan when Buck deepthroated him. "Fuck, you're so good. So good for me."

Buck whimpered against his cock, choking. He loved this kind of praise - any praise, really. And while Eddie had always known this, always tried to compliment him throughout the day ever since he noticed, it was a whole other thing to watch him react to being praised for how well he was using his mouth and how perfect he was doing and how he was- "so freaking beautiful."

Buck quickened his pace, fingers back to playing with his balls while he took Eddie in all the way each time he went down on him, hitting the back of his throat. "Buck, I'm gonna-"

Buck took the hint. He didn't pull off though, not ever. Instead he wrapped his lips around his cock, sucking when Eddie threw his head back, coming right into his mouth. His thighs were trembling, his breathing ragged and Eddie swore he could see stars dancing in his vision at the feeling of Buck licking every drop of cum off his cock and swallowing.

"Come here," Eddie slurred, pulling Buck in and down to press their lips together again, messily kissing him and darting his tongue into Buck's mouth, tasting traces of himself. He loved this. Eddie loved every reminder that Buck was his. He loved- "I love you."

"Love you too," Buck mumbled back, his voice hoarse and raspy and Eddie had done that to him. His cock in his mouth.

And then Buck shifted again - uncomfortably - and Eddie realized that, right, it was his turn. Not that he'd ever mind. In fact, Eddie almost liked this part more - giving Buck pleasure.

He reached down into his jeans, pulling Buck's own dick out. He was so hard already, red and pulsating when Eddie wrapped a fist around him, thumbing at his slit to watch even more pre-cum leak out of him then what was already glistening on the shaft of his cock. Firehose. Not just because of the length.

Buck moaned as he began jerking him off, whimpering with every small touch - loud and perfect. There was nothing spectacular about it. It was a hand job, simple science. Because as much as Eddie wanted to wrap his lips around Buck's cock again too, now that the deliriousness that came with being horny started to slowly clear from his mind, he was growing more conscious of the fact that they were still outside. And Eddie really did not want to risk them getting caught doing this.

It did, however, not stop him from cleaning up Buck's stomach with his tongue once he came all over it, making sure to lick off every drop as Buck's muscles still clenched and shook underneath him.

Once he was done, Eddie lay down in the grass beside him, calming his breath until Buck asked, "Why did you decide to draw stained glass?"

Eddie chuckled. "Where's that coming from?"

"You know," Buck shrugged, snuggling up against Eddie's side, watching him with interest - like a bug underneath a looking glass. "Your art. You said you started drawing those motifs when you were a kid, but why stained glass?"

"The church," Eddie said more easily than he thought he'd be able to after what they just did. "We always went to this church here in El Paso and it had this huge stained glass window behind the altar. And I was...I don't know. I was always transfixed by it as a kid, because you couldn't really see past it."

Buck propped his chin up on Eddie's chest, tilting his head. "What do you mean?"

"Well, you couldn't really look through the window. So I always wondered...what lay behind it. Outside the church. And I never found out."

Buck hummed, quiet contemplation written into his expression. "Why don't we go look?"

"Hm?" Eddie asked, blinking in confusion when Buck abruptly got up, holding his hand out to pull Eddie to his feet. He took it - if only reluctantly.

"Let's go to church."

It, for some reason, never occurred to Eddie that he could actually walk around the church instead of going inside. It was a foreign concept to him, something that felt paradox despite there being nothing particularly odd about it.

He'd spent so many Sundays of his childhood inside of this place that seeing it from the outside made it look entirely different. But maybe that was just because Eddie hadn't been here for years.

"Ready?" Buck asked, studying Eddie's face.

It wasn't Sunday now. The church wasn't packed, not too many people strolling in and out. But there were some - just around. A bunch of old ladies that didn't look as old as when Eddie had last seen them, but a majority of which he could still vaguely remember.

He wasn't sure if they recognized him.

He wasn't even sure if they knew his name.

Either way, Eddie didn't care any longer. He took Buck's hand into his, lacing their fingers together. "Ready."

If anyone was staring, Eddie didn't notice. He only had eyes for one person as they walked along the walls of the old church, finding the large window on the other side. Eddie immediately halted when they finally crossed a corner, breath temporarily taken away as he stared at that same stained glass - mirrored from the outside.

The sun shone against it, drawing an assortment of reflecting colors into the patch of grass on the ground below it - wild flowers growing all around in reds and yellows, oranges and purples. There were all kinds of hues, all kinds of weeds too and they should be a sign of laziness, of someone not gardening around holy grounds.

But instead Eddie couldn't help but think that they looked...gorgeous. The entire sight before him. The reflections of light and color on flowers that fought their way here with no one able to cut them back and Buck beside it all, pointing each color out by shade and history.

Eddie couldn't look behind the stained glass - still - but from here? Outside the church with Buck right by his side?

Eddie didn't feel like looking in. And for the first time, Eddie finally found the answer to his question all those years ago. "Hey, God, why did you make a window you can't look out of?"

"You're supposed to find the other perspective on your own," Eddie whispered to himself.

Buck's phone pinged with a notification. "Oh, we have to go now. Otherwise we'll be late for our appointment!"

"What appointment?" Eddie asked with a frown. "Does this have anything to do with you typing on your phone earlier?"

Buck just smirked, squeezing his hand before he dragged him along.

Turns out, the thing Buck was looking at on his phone were queer friendly tattoo studios in El Paso.

"Buck, what the fuck," Eddie said as soon as they got out of the uber, gaping at the store in front of them. "You've got to be kidding me."

"Nope," Buck replied cheerfully, pulling him inside. It'd been a while since Eddie had last gotten a tattoo and he honestly hadn't really been thinking of getting another one ever since the last time, so he wasn't entirely sure what they were doing here. "José thankfully had a last minute slot he could squeeze me into, because another client cancelled on him today."

"Uhm...you?" Eddie asked, still blinking when the guy at the counter - José, presumably - came over to them.

He had this archetypically masculine look to him - buzzed head and long beard, wearing a black tank top and jean-shorts. And, of course, the sleeves of both of his arms were covered in beautiful watercolor style tattoos. "Hey! You're Buck?"

Buck grinned. "That's me! And this-" he pointed at Eddie, "-is my partner, Eddie."

José just smiled back, nodding. "Nice! So this is the muse."

"Muse?" Eddie asked, color draining from his face. "Buck, why exactly are we here?"

"You didn't tell him yet?" José asked, chuckling as he rounded the counter again, shuffling through some papers. "Your boyfriend's quite the romantic."

Eddie knew that part. What he still didn't know was why they were standing inside a tattoo studio. "Buck?"

"I told you that I wanted you to design a tattoo for me, didn't I?" Buck asked, smiling innocently and it suddenly hit Eddie.

"Is that why you wanted to take a picture of my drawing?" He asked, staring back at him with wide eyes.

Before Buck could answer, José came walking back to them, showcasing the design he'd prepared for Buck - the one that looked exactly like Eddie's pencil sketch, only with cleaned up lines and proper outlines and- "Oh my god, you're actually serious."

Buck looked uncertain for a moment, carefully taking Eddie's hand into his and averting his gaze to it. "If you don't want me to get it..."

"I-" Eddie started, unable to find his voice. "I didn't say that. Just- are you sure?"

"I love you," Buck whispered - just for Eddie to hear. "And I've loved you for a damn long time, Eddie. You're the second most important person in my life, right after your amazing kid, and I want to carry something of you with me, always."

Eddie choked back a sob at the words. "Okay."

"Yeah?" Buck asked again - always searching for reassurance and certainty.

"Yes," Eddie repeated. You're it for me.

José led them to a secluded room, preparing the ink and needle while Buck stripped his shirt off, the scar still visible over his ribs. To his surprise - when Eddie asked him where he wanted to get the tattoo - Buck pointed right to it. "A reminder."

And then José went to work.

It took a while and the ribs weren't exactly a painless place to get a tattoo in, so Buck kept wincing and squeezing Eddie's hand every now and then. But it was quite nice too. Eddie had to text his parents that he'd be out with Buck for a little longer and then texted Chris separately too - sending him a picture of the progress with an additional comment of, "Do not tell Grandma and Grandpa!!"

José asked them a bunch of questions about L.A. and their job, the craziest things they'd seen and, unlike most people when they gave honest answers, he actually sounded intrigued by it. He talked a bit about his own partner as well - Jax, they/them - and how they got him into the tattoo business in the first place since they were a professional piercer working in this studio with him.

Around the fourth hour, Chris face-timed them from his room, demanding to see how far they'd gotten and to say hi to Buck, which Buck echoed with a pained wince.

José chuckled at it, telling them they had an adorable son after Chris hung up to help Helena with the dishes. Chris even let them know that Eddie's mother had made a plate for each of them to heat up once they were back, which was...quite nice, actually. Eddie appreciated it.

By the time Buck was done he was sighing in relief, muttering something about, 'why couldn't that stupid copper penetrate my thigh or something?' which Eddie flicked him against the forehead for, making Buck yelp in surprise.

"Anything I can get done for you while you two are still in town, Eddie?" José asked, more jokingly, as he put tape over the fresh tattoo on Buck's skin. At least the scar hadn't re-opened - which was a concern that Eddie had had, though Buck assured him that he'd asked José not to go over it, just around, kind of centering it.

And centered it was. While the tattoo was done with black ink, the faded redness of the scar almost made the petals of the marigolds look like they were in color.

Eddie absentmindedly ran his thumb over his wrist, looking down to find the faded heart that Buck had drawn onto his skin - weeks ago by now - always retraced to never let it vanish completely. "Actually..."

Which is how they ended up back at Eddie's parents' house with two new tattoos and a lot to tell Christopher, who immediately came rushing over to them, demanding to see the final result. They had to explain that it would take some time to heal, instead showing Chris the pictures taken by José and uploaded to the Instagram account for his tattoo studio, captioned;

Marigolds and Heart
Design: @Eddiebodywantssome & @Buck_3.0_LA

Chapter Text

Wednesday Bingo was Eddie's new favorite day– no questions asked.

"You can accompany us, if you want," Eddie's father suggested for the third time as Eddie walked his parents to the door, both of them in their best attire. "The Trents would surely be happy to see you again."

"I haven't visited them since I was like sixteen, Dad," Eddie replied, though lightheartedly. Ramon was in a good mood today– more often now than he had been when he was still working anyway. Maybe all those senior hobbies were paying off. "And thank you, but no thank you. Bingo isn't for me."

Ramon - to Eddie's surprise - turned to Buck at that, still hovering beside Eddie in the hallway, smiling politely. "What about you, Buck? You strike me as someone who'd enjoy Bingo."

Helena glared at her husband, whispering harshly, "Ramon."

He waved her off.

"Oh, thank you, Mr. Diaz," Buck replied genuinely. "I would love to, but we already have plans for the afternoon."

"I didn't know that," Ramon said, raising his brows at Eddie. "What are you gonna do while we're gone?"

Eddie blushed. Buck.

Not that he could tell his father that. "Oh, you know… stuff."

Buck gave him a subtle look, smiling with his teeth and wagging his brows and Eddie tried really hard not to kick his shin like he always did whenever he was being insufferable while they were riding in the back of the engine on the way to a call. He did bump his shoulder though– a warning.

"Well, that is too bad," Ramon said, actually sounding like he meant it. "The Trents have a daughter, you know? Cynthia. Eddie was never interested in going out with her, but she is accompanying us this evening. She's still single."

"Uh-" Buck started, amusement quickly melting into uncomfortable uncertainty, staring back at Eddie. "I'm actually... well-"

"We're good," Eddie reiterated, fighting the urge to take Buck's hand to prove it. "No one is looking for a girlfriend."

Ramon just shrugged - no big deal - but Eddie could see his mother's gaze out of the corner of his eye, studying him and Buck with the same predatory focus she'd had on her face ever since they'd gotten here. Ever since Buck had barged into his phone call with no shirt on. Or, actually, maybe even before that.

And Eddie was damn sure she knew, deep down. But she hadn't said it out loud and Eddie sure as hell wouldn't be the first to bring it up. Plus, she seemed to not have talked to his father about it yet, which was good. Eddie wasn't sure how he'd react to it, or if he knew what they were going to do as soon as his parents left the house.

"Or interested in one," Helena mused quietly, deathly, like a snake creeping through the underwood. Eddie knew it was only a matter of time before she bit.

"Have fun," Eddie said again, pointedly averting his eyes back to his father who was trying. "Hopefully you'll get a bingo."

"Ha, pray for me," Ramon joked.

It was just a figure of speech. Somehow it still felt heavy on Eddie's ears, like a too loud sound– rotor blades turning or storms whirling. He swallowed his reply, 'You know I won't', and tried to force a smile instead.

"We have to go now, Ramon," Helena urged, grabbing his and her coat, which were probably too warm, from the rack. Just for show. Eddie didn't comment on it. "We'll be late."

"The Mrs is the boss, you know how it is," Ramon said with a shrug, reaching out to clasp Buck's shoulder, pointing a finger towards his chest, arching a brow. "If you ever change your mind, just tell Eddie to text me and I'll get that contact information for you."

Buck tried to bite back a laugh, nodding. "That won't be necessary, Mr. Diaz. But thank you."

Ramon waved him off. "Ramon."

"Ramon," Buck echoed.

Helena Diaz stared at her husband like he'd lost his mind. "Ramon."

"Yeah, yeah," he mumbled, giving them one more wave before he shut the door, leaving only Buck and Eddie in the hallway of his parents' home, quiet and peacefulness settling in the air like a gust of fresh oxygen.

Eddie turned towards Buck. "How come my father suddenly likes you?"

Buck looked sheepish, awkwardly rubbing the back of his neck. "It was an accident."

"Accident?" Eddie asked, raising his brows.

"Okay, so there was this collection of old car modules in the office that I might have ...maybe confused with the storage room. You know, when Chris wanted to play board games the other day?"

Eddie nodded carefully, so Buck continued. "Well, your father was there and, uhm, he had this cool jeep module and so we kinda started talking about cars and brands and he showed me his entire collection and ever since then he's been kinda... warming up? To me? I think? I wasn't really sure how to bring it up without it sounding weird, sorry."

Eddie gaped at him, blinking. Yes. That made sense. His father loved that damn car collection; even as a kid- especially as a kid, Eddie was not allowed in the room because his dad was afraid that he'd play with the cars and break them, despite Eddie never really having been a car guy. "Is that why it took you so long to get the scrabble?"

"Your father has a lot of cars," Buck defended weakly and Eddie couldn't- he couldn't not laugh at his pout, leaning his head forward onto his shoulder as he chuckled.

"God, I love you."

Buck leaned forward to his ear, carefully nuzzling, running his lips over his earlobe. "Can we stop talking about your parents now? Because I kind of really need you to make good on your promise."

"Mhm, what promise?" Eddie asked because he was still an asshole and teasing and riling up Buck might just be his favorite thing in the entire world. He brought his hands up to his waist, carefully running them underneath his shirt, up his back, lips wandering from his shoulder to his neck, kissing his way up.

Buck always made those hot breathy grunts when Eddie circled his tongue against his pulse point, melting into the touch. "You know exactly- nhg."

"Oh, do I now?" Eddie asked, biting into his neck, making Buck groan - loudly. "I don't think I remember."

Eddie was damn glad they had the house to themselves when Buck swore under his breath, grabbing both of Eddie's cheeks, walking him backwards, right against the door, the handle digging into his lower back. Buck kissed him - hot and wet - panting into his mouth before he pushed his hips into him, making Eddie throw his head back against the wooden surface. "Use your brain."

Eddie let his hands cling to Buck's back, wrapping around him and pulling him in until their mouths were attached to each other again. He sucked on his tongue, thrusting his hips forward– searching for friction where just a few rolls of Buck's hips had him hard in his pants. He never had this with Shannon; not with any woman he's ever been with.

Eddie ran his hands down, squeezing Buck's ass, sending a quiet moan trembling from his lips. "I'd rather use something else."

"Fuck," Buck mumbled, the sound sending a spark down Eddie's spine and before Eddie had any chance to reply, he yelped as Buck crouched down, grabbing his thighs and- oh god oh god oh god. Eddie knew that Buck was strong, but not Slinging-Eddie-Over-The-Shoulder kind of strong. "Bedroom. Now."

Eddie was pretty sure his cock just twitched in his pants. Not that he was entirely sure; brain shutting down in an overload of experiencing the hottest thing in his entire life while there really was no blood flowing into any part of his body save for his straining dick, rubbing against the fabric of his pants with every step that Buck took upstairs. "Holy shit."

How had he never allowed himself to have this? To feel the touch of Buck's hands on him, lips back to capturing his own as soon as they'd reached the guest bedroom, still holding Eddie up– though against the wall now, pressing into him with his entire body weight. Eddie curled his hands into his hair, trying to hold on as Buck licked across his jaw, mouthing at his throat, making Eddie whimper. "Tell me."

Eddie could barely hear him over the rushing in his ears - white noise of want want want - gasping into his mouth, thighs wrapping around his waist. He felt lightheaded at the sight of sweat trailing down Buck's forehead from exhaustion, holding him up like that for so long. It'd been a while since Eddie actually stepped onto a scale but he was pretty sure that this wasn't the average weight Buck stemmed in the gym. "What?"

"Tell me," Buck repeated, finally setting him down, caging him against the wall, unbuckling Eddie's belt while Eddie was still trying to stop drooling over flexing muscles. He pulled his pants down without warning, wrapping a hand around the base of his cock like it was as casual a touch as a simple handshake, his sweaty palm pumping him once, twice. Eddie moaned. "What do you want?"

"Fucking hell, Buck," Eddie cursed, bucking his hips up into his hand, nuzzling Buck's jaw before taking his face into both of his hands, guiding Buck's eyes to look at him, unbreaking. "I want to fuck you."

Buck whimpered, still stroking Eddie's cock until Eddie grabbed his wrist, holding it up between them, leaning in. "Want to be inside you-" he bit down on his bottom lip, "-want to feel you squirm on my cock, make you feel good."

He slowly guided Buck's hand up to his mouth, pressing his fingers to Buck's lips, watching with dark eyes as he parted them almost like it was second nature to him, taking it willingly as Eddie led them inside. "I want to watch you fall apart."

"Eddie," Buck gasped around his fingers, sucking and licking obscenely just for Eddie to watch. He looked so hot like this, slick wet lips and drooling, eyelashes fluttering. His skin was flushed, creeping down his neck and it suddenly occurred to Eddie that they were still way too clothed.

"Get your shirt off."

Buck didn't even hesitate, a string of salvia connecting his tongue with his fingers as he pulled back, stripping the shirt over his head and letting it fall– waiting. He was so responsive, so- "Good boy."

Eddie didn't even have to touch Buck for him to moan out his name, knees buckling. Buck was so desperate to please, so desperate to be good, always. Eddie fumbled to get his own shirt off, walking Buck backwards to the edge of the bed, working on his belt as he went, whispering, "Yeah, so good. You're gonna be so good for me, won't you? Take my cock?"

Buck was a mumbling and gasping mess by the time he pushed him onto the sheets, legs thrown wide open as Eddie settled between them. "Please, please, I want you, Eddie."

His cock was twitching on his stomach, red and rock hard as Eddie leaned down to press a gentle kiss to the tip, feeling the way Buck shuddered underneath him, hands twisting in the sheets from one simple touch. He was so gorgeous, too goddamn beautiful– like a muse. Eddie wanted to be able to draw the outline of his muscles with his eyes closed, blindly memorizing his taste on his tongue.

He wrapped a hand around him, brushing his thumb over the pre-cum oozing out of the tip, using it to slick Buck up more properly. "God, you're always so wet."

Buck whimpered, throwing his head back when Eddie leaned down again, not sucking him off, just pressing featherlight kisses all along the side of his cock. "Eddie."

Eddie hummed, blinking up at Buck, noticing him shamelessly staring at his lips, hair dishevelled, chest rising and falling in an unsteady, fast rhythm. And, fuck, Eddie wanted to take a picture of him like this so bad– looking completely fucked out before they'd even started. Instead, he just took him into his mouth without warning, going as far as he could without gagging, making Buck choke in surprise. He tried to thrust his hips - on instinct - and Eddie pushed them back down into the mattress, bobbing his head up and down while jerking him with his hand at the base.

"Please, please-" Buck rambled, grabbing Eddie's hair, tugging harshly. "I'm gonna- Eddie, I'm, fuck-"

Eddie pulled back with a plop, breathing heavily as he stared back at Buck, liking his lips. "Not yet."

Buck threw his head back against the pillow, opening his legs wider, still shacking as he breathed out another desperate, "Please fuck me."

And how could Eddie ever resist such pretty eyes? He got up from the bed, ignoring Buck's protesting sounds, hand reaching lazily for him, as he walked over to their bag, grabbing the lube and condoms he'd thrown in there when Buck wasn't looking. The security at the airport definitely knew what they were doing here in El Paso.

"You'll have to guide me through it," Eddie reminded Buck softly once he settled back between his legs, guiding them up and around his waist.

Buck nodded hastily, eyes looking just a little dazed. "Start with one, slowly."

"Okay," Eddie whispered back, leaning down to kiss him again - long and deep - as he uncapped the lube, squeezing some on his fingers, slicking them up before reaching between Buck's legs. He gasped when Eddie ran them over the rim, circling slowly, watching every twitch of Buck's face as he pressed the first one in.

Buck relaxed quickly against it, his finger practically easing in. He moved it experimentally, feeling the tight heat against it, the way Buck started to move down on it, telling Eddie to add another. So he did, pushing it inside. After a bit of adjusting to it, Buck rocked against the fingers again, so Eddie started to move them, thrusting them in and out– first slow then faster.

"You have to-" Buck breathed, panting, trying to fuck himself on Eddie's fingers. "Curl-"

Right. Eddie remembered this part from Buck's powerpoint presentation, curling his fingers, searching until-

"Fuck!" Buck cried out loud, jolting when Eddie's fingers brushed against something inside of him– his prostate. So he did it again and again, rocking his fingers back and forth until Buck was writhing underneath him. "Eddie, this is- fuck, don't stop- need-"

Eddie added a third finger, watching with amazement as Buck arched his back, moaning loudly, his cock twitching on his stomach, drooling precum and getting him so much more wet. He looked so unreal, humping down on Eddie's fingers, trying to fuck himself on them, that Eddie started to question if he'd be able to come just like this– just on Eddie's fingers.

He'd find out another time.

Eddie pulled his fingers out, making Buck whine in protest and reaching for his painfully hard cock.

"No," Eddie said simply, lowly and commanding and Buck let his hand fall back down, biting his bottom lip so hard that Eddie was sure it was going to bruise. "Don't touch yourself until I tell you so."

Buck nodded, watching Eddie attentively as he reached for the lube again, stroking himself where he'd neglected his own cock in favor of watching Buck groan on his fingers. "Use your words."

"Yes," Buck breathed, whimpering.

Eddie reached for the condoms before Buck stopped him, grabbing his wrist with big, blue, teary eyes. His voice sounded breathless when he said, "I'm- just so you know, I'm clean."

Oh.

Eddie tightened his grip on his cock, biting back a moan. "Me too."

That was obvious. Eddie wasn't sure why he even said it, because Buck knew that he hadn't exactly slept with anyone since Marisol and that was- it hadn't exactly been something he looked forward to back then. Not something that made his skin burn, heat pool in his stomach at the mere idea of getting his cock into the tight heat that had just surrounded his fingers.

But Buck just nodded, waiting.

Eddie tossed the condom foil aside, slicking his cock up with the lube. "Tell me when it's too much."

Buck nodded. Eddie raised a brow at him. "Yes-, fuck, yes, just- please get inside me."

Eddie propped his legs up again, dragging him closer by the hips before guiding the head of his cock against Buck's still clenching hole, slowly pushing in. He gasped, the tight heat almost overwhelming. It took a couple of seconds for Buck to nod, urging him on, inch by inch, consistently stopping to let him adjust. Quite frankly, Eddie needed it too, because the last time he'd fucked someone was long enough ago for him to fear he might come right away if he went too fast.

Once Eddie was fully seated, both of them were breathing heavily. Buck was trembling a little, eyes wide and on Eddie as he got used to the stretching feeling. Eddie didn't know what it felt like, wasn't sure how to relate, but he was pretty sure it must be good considering Buck had - time and time again - told him how amazing it felt to be filled up, to feel it all the way in your throat. Maybe Eddie would ask Buck to fuck him next time.

"I'm ready."

Eddie started out by moving his hips in slow, careful circles until Buck pushed back into him, telling him to go faster. So Eddie did, slowly pulling almost all the way out before thrusting back in, making Buck moan loudly, tears materializing at the corners of his eyes while Eddie thrusted in– again and again, feeling drunk on all the little sounds Buck made.

He leaned down to capture his lips in an open mouthed kiss, sucking on his tongue while fucking him into the mattress, feeling Buck's hands come back up from where he'd twisted them into the sheets, clawing onto Eddie's back instead.

Eddie groaned into his mouth at the sharp feeling of nails scraping his skin, quickening his pace, drinking up every breathless groan and whine like the world's most expensive alcohol. "That's it, so good for me. You're taking my cock so well, just like I knew you would."

Buck was only stuttering in response, trying to say something that sounded suspiciously close to Eddie and Fuck and Please all at once, mixing into one babbling mess as he arched his back, fucking himself on Eddie's cock. And, god, Eddie was close. He knew he was close.

The head of Buck's cock was so red, leaking so much precum that it started to pool on his stomach, painting his skin in a glistening fluid that Eddie wanted to lick off with his tongue. Buck made all these fucked out noises, pleading, begging for Eddie's cock and fuck, Eddie knew he wasn't able to keep his orgasm from crashing over him for much longer. He slowed his pace, almost pulling all the way out again before thrusting hard– over and over until the only thing on Buck's tongue was the sound of Eddie's name like a prayer, "Eddie, Eddie, Eddie-"

"Fuck, you're so pretty. So pretty on my cock, Buck," Eddie mumbled into his ear, grazing his teeth along his jaw. "Such a good boy."

Buck dug his nails into his back again, crying and begging so prettily and almost giving out completely when Eddie finally whispered right against his lips– feeling dizzy from the warmth of their shared breaths– "Touch yourself."

It didn't take more than a few strokes from Buck's hand before he came with a cry, throwing his head back, eyes shut and cheeks and chest flushed red. Eddie watched as the cum shot up on his chest, painting it white. He put a hand over Buck's own, guiding him as he stroked himself through his orgasm, all the while thrusting into him; harder, faster, making Buck shake and gasp with overstimulation as he fucked him right against his prostate.

Buck squeezed tight around him, moaning his name again and that was it– Eddie came inside of Buck, groaning hard.

He was pretty sure he saw stars, pearly white gates, the fucking afterlife as he came down from it, breathing heavily before flopping down on top of Buck, ignoring the sticky mess between their chests for just a second before it began to feel uncomfortable. "Fuck."

Buck's chest was rising and falling more evenly underneath him now, his hands trailing from Eddie's back to his hair, carefully raking through sweaty strands. "Yeah," he breathed. "That sums it up."

Eddie couldn't help but chuckle at that, lifting his head to stare back at Buck - his beautiful, beautiful boyfriend - before pulling out. He went to roll off the bed too, intending to grab a washing cloth, but...

"No," Buck mumbled, pulling him back in, kissing him lazily. "Don't go."

"Buck," Eddie snickered, grinning against his lips. "We have to get cleaned up."

"No, we don't. You can just hold me forever."

Eddie shook his head fondly. "I am not sure that's practical."

After some more negotiation in the form of kisses and sweet promises of a round two, Buck finally caved, sighing dramatically when Eddie left the bed to go and get the washcloth from the bathroom, returning to lovingly wipe down first Buck's stomach and then his own, licking the bit of cum that had found its way to Buck's chin off himself.

Eddie was just about to settle down next to Buck, slinging his arms around his waist when he suddenly heard a sound that seemed a little too- "Did you hear that?"

Buck blinked back at him, frowning. "Hear what?"

The next sound was louder, clearly a key turning in the lock downstairs, quickly followed by steps undoubtedly coming from inside the house and- "Shit, shit, shit-"

Eddie nearly fell off the bed, throwing a shirt at Buck's head while simultaneously searching for his jeans on the floor.

"I thought your parents weren't gonna be back until later?" Buck asked, legs a little wobbly as he went to stand, grabbing a fresh pair of boxer shorts to pull back on, scanning the room for jeans as well. Where had they put those?

"Me too!" Eddie hissed quietly, hearing the steps getting closer– upstairs. "Put some pants on!"

Eddie barely managed to throw the covers over the utter and total mess they'd left the bedsheets in, before turning around, right next to Buck, as the door to the room opened and Eddie was met with- "Sophia?"

Sophia just stared back at them for a moment, blinking slowly and, yeah, okay, maybe they hadn't done the best job at hiding what they'd been doing not more than a few minutes ago. Because Buck's hair was still utterly dishevelled, skin flushed and sweaty, a very obvious hickey starting to form on his neck and Eddie was pretty sure he himself didn't look much better.

It didn't help that, when he spoke up again, his voice sounded raw and gravelly from sucking Buck off. "I- uhm, what are you doing here?"

And Sophia - the asshole - smirked. "Sorry, I didn't want to interrupt..."

Eddie blushed, contemplating if he should just deny it for a moment. However, he was pretty sure that would be the most obvious lie he'd ever fabricated in his life. Like, what would he even say? 'Whatever you're thinking right now, I did not have gay sex' ?

So instead, Eddie did what any older brother would do after not having seen his little sister in person for years. He rolled his eyes. "Have you ever heard of the word 'knocking' before?"

"Well, I was under the impression that no one would be home and I could surprise my brother who finally decided to come visit," Sophia argued, face slowly breaking out into a smile. "Nice to see you've been doing... well."

"Good to see you too," Eddie replied.

"I'd hug you right now but, uhm... maybe take a shower first," she waved a hand in front of her nose. "You smell like sex."

Eddie cleared his throat, very aware of Buck still awkwardly shuffling his feet. He turned to look at him, unable to fight the smile that came with seeing Buck's face, hugging a hand around his waist. "Sophia, I think you, well, you haven't met. This is-"

"Buck," she finished for him, grinning.

Buck blushed, mirroring her expression. "Hi! It's nice to finally meet you, Sophia. Eddie has told me a lot about you."

"Oh, I am sure not as much as he's told me about you."

"Sophia," Eddie warned.

She grinned again. "I'll see you downstairs."

One shared shower and handjob later, they stumbled down the stairs to the living room, watching as Sophia sprawled out on the couch, phone held up to her face and texting someone.

"Sister," Eddie said, receiving a teasing smile from her in return.

"Brother."

They just stared at each other for a few seconds before Sophia got up from the couch with a laugh, pulling first him into a hug and then Buck. "Took you long enough."

"How long have you known?" Eddie mumbled with a frown as he pulled back, trying not to feel offended at Sophia's deadpan expression. "What?"

"Longer than you, evidently," she said. "Though also longer than Adriana because she owes me 50$ now."

Eddie's eyes widened. "Did you-"

"No," she replied, rolling her eyes. "Of course I didn't text her that our brother just had sex in our old room, may I add. I wouldn't do that."

Eddie hated her.

"I only texted Franco to tell him that I'll be staying overnight," Sophia explained, waving a dismissive hand at her discarded phone on the couch.

Eddie turned towards Buck, explaining, "Her fiancé."

"Oh, congrats!" Buck said, smiling softly. "How long have you been engaged for?"

"Too long," Eddie replied before Sophia got a chance to, dodging as she tried to smack his head.

"Two years," she said, glaring at Eddie for a second before addressing Buck again, a much fonder expression on her face. "And that's just because there were some complications with his family. We're taking it slow."

Buck nodded. "It's good to go at your own pace."

"Speaking of," Sophia said, taking the opening like a mouse a cube of cheese. "For how long has this been going on for?" She pointed between them. "I mean, aside from the obvious year-long pining."

Eddie flushed red. That really depended on what they defined as the start of their relationship. The moment Buck came home to him in the middle of the night? When Eddie confessed? Their first kiss?

"None of your business," he said instead. "The more pressing question is, why are you here?"

"I told you, I wanted to visit my brother," Sophia explained, stretching her arms out over her head– sore. "Abuela said you were staying here for a few days. With Buck".

Of course Abuela - the traitor - had made it her mission to point that out. Eddie crossed his arms defensively.

"But don't worry," Sophia continued, winking. "I'll sleep on the couch tonight."

"If you want to sleep in our room, I can-" Buck started, immediately cut off by Eddie’s sister.

"No, no. I'll just be here for a night. No reason to up-root everything," she argued. "I forgot it's Bingo Wednesday. Gonna have to annoy Mom and Dad tomorrow."

Eddie nodded. It would be nice to have Sophia home for at least a day. He had missed her a lot, would have to catch up with her on all the things that didn't translate well in messages, like-

"What is that thing on your hand?" She asked suddenly, turning his wrist around. "Did you get another tattoo?"

"We both did," Eddie replied with a smile, pointing a thumb at Buck who lifted his shirt (Eddie's shirt– now that he got a closer look at it) with ease, revealing the foil Eddie had helped him wrap back around the skin after applying some lotion once they'd showered.

"An artistic collaboration," Buck agreed, looking proud. "This is Eddie's design."

Sophia's eyes widened, taking a few more steps forward to lean in and look at the marigolds, hidden behind the foil, more properly. "Holy shit."

"I know, right?" Buck began tugging at it again, like always too impatient. "I can show you-"

Eddie slapped the back of his hand in protest. "No. I just put it on."

"But you can't even see it properly," Buck argued, pouting.

"We have pictures," Eddie reminded him, fighting the urge to kiss the expression off his face. "And it's still healing."

"It looks really beautiful," Sophia blurted in between their banter, looking much more genuine and fond than what Eddie was used to from his sister. Then quieter, she added, "I didn't know you still draw."

Eddie bit his lip, nodding slowly. "I didn't know I still could."

The words were loaded with something else– they all knew that. It wasn't just about the drawing.

It was about church windows and stained glass and the red blooming beneath the black lines in a color that Eddie had been missing from his life. It was about marigolds and Buck and the lake and queer friendly tattoo shops and it was about this, too.

About an integral part that wasn't just forgotten.

"I'm gay, Soph," Eddie added, watching a soft smile starting to tug at her lips.

"I know," she whispered back. "Thank you for telling me."

Chapter Text

Eddie picked Christopher up from school on Thursday. His teacher got sick at the last minute, which is why the last period got canceled - no replacement - and Eddie's parents were busy preparing dinner and fighting against the combined forces of Buck and Sophia's excited rambles.

It didn't surprise Eddie in the slightest– the fact that Buck and his sister got along like a house on fire. The person he confined to most in his childhood and the person he talked to most now; both of them had a sort of aura to them that made it easy to just say things.

Especially now that Sophia knew, Eddie felt so much lighter at his parents' house. Her presence levitated the place- easing the tension between him and his parents just like when they were kids.

She made jokes and talked a lot about Franco and their plans for the coming summer and Eddie was glad that it finally guided the attention away from him. Even Helena seemed to actually enjoy listening, temporarily forgetting about her mission to watch Eddie's every step with eagle eyes.

So, Eddie got to pick Christopher up today. With his dad's car. Hooray. No trauma here.

And it wasn't like Buck hadn't offered to drive him, but he'd been so lost in a conversation with Eddie's sister - discussing the evolution of newts of all things - that Eddie did not want to seem like he couldn't do this on his own.

Because he could! Eddie had a license, he had a car of his own and he drove to work regularly. Just because he didn't like it, didn't mean he was unable to.

It's just… his dad's car.

Eddie nearly had a nervous breakdown when he pulled out of the parking spot– double and triple checking if he had actually put it in reverse this time. But he'd done it. He was capable.

And besides, Eddie hadn't really gotten many moments with Christopher alone ever since their conversation at the lake. His parents were an ever present force looming over them.

So this was fine. It was more than fine.

"Hey, Dad!" Chris said as he pulled the door open, letting himself fall into the backseat and making Eddie startle with the force with which he slammed it back shut.

"Hey, Buddy!" Eddie replied, turning around to smile at him. "Good day?"

"Mr. Turner broke his leg," Christopher said in response, securing his crutches at his feet before pushing his backpack onto the seat next to him. "He fell down the stairs."

Eddie blinked. "O…h?"

"Where's Buck?"

Eddie was just gonna ignore that previous comment. He cleared his throat, turning back around to focus on getting this motor started. "He's gossiping with your aunt."

"About you?" Chris asked, not even trying to hide his grin.

Eddie squinted at him through the rearview mirror, teasing, "They better not be. Otherwise there'll be more broken legs."

"Hey, we like Buck and Tía Sophia," Chris argued.

Eddie chuckled, sighing in defeat. "Yeah." He shook his head fondly. "We really do."

He pulled onto the street.

They drove in silence for a while, just the low humming sound of the radio playing a song that Eddie couldn't quite make out. It reminded Eddie of the lost regularity of this– how often they'd sat in his car, driving to Buck's apartment or, on the rare occasion of Eddie having a day off work and being awake in the morning, taking Chris to school himself.

He hadn't been able to do this for six months. And it had never occurred to Eddie that he'd feel nostalgic about it some day.

"Dad?" Christopher asked after a moment.

Eddie blinked, pushing the thought aside. "Yeah?"

Chris paused. "Will you marry Buck?"

Eddie nearly drove the car off the road. He swerved, turning the wheel and fumbling with the gear shift as he parked at the side of the street– ignoring the aggressive honking behind him. "What?"

Chris - for his part - looked entirely too innocent for someone that had nearly caused Eddie to create a traffic accident in broad daylight. He just shrugged his shoulders. "You know. Marriage."

"I- I understood that part," Eddie replied, trying to steady his breath. "I mean- Chris, you know that we've only been dating for like… a week, right?"

Chris didn't seem fazed by this in the slightest. "But do you want to?"

Eddie bit his lip, looking at his son's wild curls and blue eyes that resembled Buck's so much - that made them look related; like a family. Which… they were. They had been for a long time. And Eddie had sworn that he'd never lie to his son again so- "Yeah."

Fuck, it's not like that thought had never occurred to him even before dating Buck. In quiet moments in his kitchen, passing dishes back and forth, or while Buck rambled on about murder mysteries from the 19th century.

Eddie could do so much as look at Buck while the sun cast a shadow on his face and suddenly he was rendered speechless; his mind a constant stream of wanting this forever.

And, really, it wasn't even in moments of kiss drunk hazes or coming down from orgasms - though, there too, of course - but in those soft glimpses; the ones that made Eddie think, "I want to be the only one who'll ever get to see you like this. I want to be the one you choose to be your forever too."

To Eddie's surprise, Chris didn't even seem shocked. He just smiled, leaning back into his seat. "Good."

So Eddie felt like he needed to add, "But- …only if you're okay with that."

Because that was true just the same. As much as Eddie would like to marry Buck - just like dating him - he wouldn't do it without the approval of the most important person in his life.

"Of course I'm okay with that," Chris replied easily. "Grandma and Grandpa say that you should be married to someone you want to have a family with."

"I'm not sure Grandma and Grandpa would approve of this kind of marriage," Eddie replied without thinking about it, internally punching himself as soon as Chris blinked back at him– confused. "Which is not… uh. Not important."

"Like…" Chris started, lips pursed in concentration. "Because you've already been married before? To Mom?"

Eddie swallowed. Okay, maybe one more lie wouldn't hurt. "Yeah."

"They'll get over that," Chris said confidently. "And it's not like they live in L.A."

The cars were still rushing past them, the space between Eddie and Chris filled with silence at the words. This was the opening he'd needed. The moment.

And still Eddie hesitated.

What if he didn't want to come back home?

He opened his mouth to reply, seeing the patience on Christopher's face, waiting.

What if he didn't think of it as home anymore? Los Angeles, Eddie and Buck?

"Yeah," Eddie said, biting the question back just like he'd done ever since the beginning of the week– ever since his son ran back to the place Eddie had detached himself from. "You're right."

Christopher sighed.

Eddie pulled back onto the street.

Silence continued.

They made it all the way to Eddie's parents' house, parking, bracing to get out, before Eddie turned back around once more, facing Chris. "Actually-"

His eyes widened in anticipation.

Eddie could picture it; the three of them on a blue couch in L.A., playing games and watching TV. He could hear the sound of Chris' laughter in his mind, the grumbled complaints about homework and the good and the bad, the fights and the hugs and Eddie wanted-

He needed-

"Please come back home, Chris."

Joy.

Eddie needed joy. And he deserved it.

Christopher's gaze turned soft, a smile tugging at the corners of his lips as he opened the door. "I thought you'd never ask."

Because of Sophia's visit, Eddie's parents went all out with a nice dinner– appetizers and everything. Not that Eddie was particularly surprised about it. She'd always had a way of twisting their parents around her little finger.

He didn't mind though. After all, he benefited from it too– mostly. And Sophia was just the perfect gap between Helena and Buck and Eddie. Add to that Eddie's father actually starting to like and converse with Buck and they actually had… a nice dinner.

Christopher was talking about how much he was looking forward to the summer, Eddie watched as Buck showed Sophia some pictures on his phone - of Jee-Yun, no doubt - and Eddie's parents actually looked… content. They smiled.

It felt like those good days of Eddie's childhood, when everyone was in a happy mood, no fighting, and they actually got along. In moments like these it was easy to forget that it wasn't always like this; right until someone threw a stone through the already cracking glass of their foundation.

Stone - in this case - being Christopher forgetting that they'd agreed to tell his parents later.

"-And I can't wait to see Aunt Maddie and Uncle Chimney again!" He finished his excited ramble, matching Buck's honey-sweet grin.

"They've missed you too, Buddy," Buck replied, nudging his shoulder from where he sat right next to him, pretending not to notice when Chris stole a potato from his plate. "Maddie texted me this morning to ask how you were doing."

"Aunt?" "You're going to visit LA?" Ramon and Helena asked at the same time, equal frowns on their faces.

Eddie shared a glance with Chris. "He's not going to visit. Chris is coming home with us."

Glass shattered. Helena tipped it over.

"Us," she repeated, face red. "No one thought to inform us of that?"

"Mom," Sophia warned, shaking her head disapprovingly. "You knew that Chris would go back home at some point. This is great news."

"He has a home here," she interrupted. "A good home. A steady one."

"What is that supposed to mean?" Eddie asked despite knowing exactly what she was alluding to. He couldn't help it– couldn't stop shoving and pushing like an animal in a trap.

"You know what it means, Edmundo. Is he living with you too?" Helena asked, even refusing to take Buck's name into her mouth.

Eddie glared at her. "I don't think that's any of your business."

"It is my business as the person who'll take Christopher when you can't do it anymore!" Helena argued.

"Except you're not!" Eddie snapped back. "Because Buck is his legal guardian!"

The table got quiet.

Everyone stared at Eddie with varying degrees of shock.

Helena's voice came out sharp and accusing. "Why?"

She knew.

Eddie knew that she knew.

He pressed his mouth shut, staring at Buck, seeing the way he subtly shook his head. 'You don't have to do this.'

Sophia stared at him with the same expression, while Christopher just looked– he looked uncomfortable. Caught in the middle of a storm that Eddie wanted to shield him from.

Eddie let his eyes trail over to his father. Ramon's face was… unreadable. It was strict and cautious and a mix of suspicion and confusion and Eddie was pretty sure he wasn't aware. He still wasn't aware.

Despite everything he still didn't know what was going on with his children.

And Eddie wasn't sure if he should feel angry about it or wholly and utterly resigned.

"You know why," Eddie told his mother, trying not to make it sound like pleading. He wasn't sure if he succeeded.

The air hanging over the table was thin, food getting cold as everyone sat back with tension, fists balled and shoulders straight.

"Say it." Helena replied. "Tell your father."

Eddie's blood felt frozen under his mother's cold gaze. It prickled in his ears like deathly specks of snow, his pulse quickening underneath his skin as Ramon asked, "Tell me what?"

If Eddie believed, he'd pray right now.

But he didn't. He never had.

So he looked into Buck's eyes instead. "That Buck's my boyfriend." Eddie said. "That I'm gay."

Eddie wasn't sure if he'd ever seen his father this angry before. Not the loud kind– the yelling or throwing things. This was quieter - a more dangerous kind of anger - and Eddie wasn't sure if that was for Christopher's sake or his own.

"No, you're not," Ramon replied. His voice was low. Eddie wished he wasn't sitting across from Buck right now, if only to reach underneath the table and hold his hand. "You married a woman."

Christopher stared between them with a puzzled kind of look, eyebrows drawn together in so much confusion that it hurt Eddie. "That doesn't mean you can't be gay, Grandpa. Harry's father is gay too."

"This is what I mean," Helena said, shaking her head. "Los Angeles isn't a place for him to grow up in. You're raising him with all those - those wrong ideas-"

"It's not wrong, Mom," Sophia interrupted her angrily. "I can't believe you're still so stubborn."

"You can't possibly defend this!" Helena yelled, slamming a fist down on the table, making the cutlery shake and Christopher startle - not used to this. Not like Eddie and Sophia were. "I knew I should have said something sooner, put an end to this."

"Put an end to this?" Eddie asked, glaring at his mother. "I'm 32 years old! There is nothing to put an end to!"

"This is your Abuela's fault," Ramon mumbled, shaking his head. "I should've never listened to her."

Eddie felt like exploding. "Oh, because she was the only one I didn't want to run away from as a kid? The only person in this family who doesn't use her belief to justify her hate of people like me?"

"There are no people like you, Eddie, you're not gay!" Ramon snapped. "I didn't raise a-"

"Don't." Eddie pushed himself up on the table to stand, pointing a threatening finger at his father. "Don't say that word in front of my son and don't say it to me. Not again."

"Eddie," Buck said quietly, looking up to meet his gaze. There was a question in his eyes. Eddie could read it like words on a paper. 'Can I insert myself in this conversation?'

Eddie did not want him to fight his battles– especially when it came to his parents. Not because Eddie didn't trust him too or was too proud. That really wasn't it.

But Buck had his own shitty parents to deal with. Eddie did not want him to have to deal with this too; not being wanted or accepted.

"You didn't raise me at all," he said instead, staring back at his father, seeing the look of disgust on his face. Eddie tried to pretend that it didn't make him want to throw up on the spot. "And, sure, I made some parenting mistakes too, sue me. At least I didn't raise my son to be afraid just for being himself."

Helena's nasty sneer was directed at Buck now, face still red with anger. "You ruined him."

"Mrs. Diaz-" Buck started, looking like a kicked puppy. Eddie wanted to throw things.

"You ruined him," she repeated. "He was healed from it and you ruined it again."

"Mom!" Sophia snapped at her. "What the fuck? Leave them alone."

Ramon shook his head. "Christopher is staying with us."

"Don't I get a say in this?" Christopher asked– spoken over by the adults at the table almost immediately.

"I don't approve of this, Eddie!" Ramon argued, waving a dismissive hand at Buck. "It's wrong."

"You're trying to tell me what's right and wrong?" Eddie asked back, scoffing. "I can't believe I thought you wanted to try. You're still the exact same!"

"I want to try!" Ramon replied. "But I'm not the only one who needs to change for that!"

"Oh, so you want me to change," Eddie said, feeling the need to dive under again, wishing the lake wasn't still too cold. "What do you want me to do, Dad? Pray the gay away?"

"It would be a start!" Ramon actually sounded serious about it.

Eddie laughed. There was no humor behind it. "Wow."

All the while Helena continued to argue with Buck and Sophia in the background.

"He has a name, Mom!" Eddie could vaguely hear Sophia say, putting herself between their mother and Buck. "And you should be proud of your son for actually bagging a guy like this!"

He saw Buck leaning down to Christopher in the corner of his eye, saying something, looking concerned before pointing towards the stairs. Christopher insistently shook his head.

"Look, Edmundo, I can set you up with a priest-" Ramon started and Eddie raised his brows at him.

"I spoke to a priest," he cut him off. "He told me that love is not a sin in the eyes of the one who created it."

Ramon shut his mouth, shook his head, then opened it again. "This ain't God's doing."

"Can you stop it?" Chris asked, too quietly for either Helena or Ramon to hear.

But Eddie did. He did and he looked over at his son, seeing the way he seemed utterly desperate. And fuck, just then did it set in that Eddie'd had this entire argument in front of him. That he'd had to pay witness to Eddie's parents arguing over whether or not Christopher's father and Buck were wrong; his aunts and friend's fathers too.

"Chris-" Eddie started.

"I told you not to drag him down with you," Helena accused. "And yet you did. Don't make that same mistake again."

Eddie opened his mouth and Christopher's voice came out– much louder this time. "Shut up!"

Everyone's eyes snapped towards him.

"I want to go home," Christopher said. "Now."

Helena's hard eyes softened. "Christopher, honey…"

"No," Chris cut her off. "Leave me alone. Don't talk to him like that and stop treating me like a baby! I came here because I wanted distance not- you're not-" he turned towards Eddie, tears welling up in his eyes, voice choked up when he added, "Please just take me home."

Eddie didn't wait for his parents' reply - couldn't hear it over the rushing in his ears - chair scraping the floor as he got up, walking around the table to pull his son into a hug, soothingly kissing the top of his head. "Okay."

"I didn't know," Chris whispered into his chest, trembling ever so slightly. "I didn't…"

Eddie's heart sank, running a hand over his back. "I know," he whispered back. "I know, Buddy. It's okay. Let's go home."

The three of them and Sophia spent the rest of the day at Abuela's place, booking last minute plane tickets almost as soon as they'd arrived. She was, understandably, furious when Sophia recounted what had happened, immediately calling her son to yell at him over the phone.

And it wasn't like…

Eddie didn't expect either of his parents to reach out to him. Not after this.

They'd try to get back to Christopher, somehow, but they wouldn't call or step on another plane for Eddie's sake. And it should make Eddie feel more crushed than whatever he felt right now.

He was still mad, disappointed and, frankly, in disbelief. But he was also… relieved. Like electricity had been cursing through his body for years until someone had finally thought to guide the lightning away from him.

Eddie knew things wouldn't go over well with his parents if they ever found out, so there were no surprises there. He still had his sisters, still had Abuela and the two other most important people in his life, though maybe that's what Eddie felt most guilty about.

Because he'd just exposed those two people to the constant argument of his childhood and it was… not pretty. Not even a little. Buck was quiet, Chris looked exhausted– knees up and pressed against his chest, headphones covering his ears.

They'd been sitting in silence at the airport for a long moment before Eddie said it. "I'm sorry."

Buck's head snapped up to stare at him, leaning back in one of the seats of their terminal. "What are you sorry for?"

"Involving you in this," Eddie replied quietly, listening to the muffled voices coming through the loudspeaker, announcing their boarding time. "What my parents said to you… you didn't ruin me, Buck."

"I know," Buck replied. "This isn't your fault, Eddie."

Eddie shook his head, spearing a glance at Chris, seeing him still invested in his phone, typing. "I should have sent him upstairs as soon as they started arguing. Both of you."

"You were caught off-guard," Buck defended Eddie's actions– like always. No matter how badly he fucked up; over and over. "And Chris didn't- he didn't want to go upstairs."

"How do you know?" Eddie asked.

Buck sighed. "I asked him. During… all that. I told him to go and he refused."

It almost seemed like the irony of the universe; Eddie running for all his life, infecting his son with that same restless disease, and yet in the one moment he wanted him to not pay witness - the one moment he wished he ran - Chris stayed. And realized something about Eddie's parents that Eddie wished would've stayed buried, if only for Chris' peace of mind.

He could still hear it– his sobs. The apologies. Chris had said it again at Abuela's; in a whisper over emotional compensation ice cream. "If I had known, I never would've…"

Eddie did not want Chris to feel guilty about this, for something Eddie had purposefully kept from him. And anyway, how would that conversation have gone? ‘Hey, Buddy, I know you love your grandparents, but did you know that they are homophobic and ruined my childhood?'

Because they hadn't… they stopped making those comments a long time ago. It was never relevant, never a topic of conversation and talking about being gay just didn't come up. Not after Shannon.

So why would Eddie have said anything? Why would he have tried to ruin a good relationship in his son's life just because he still carried that hurt?

It wouldn't have been fair to Chris and so Eddie had kept his mouth shut, only for it to backfire. Only for Eddie to realize just how relevant it still was, how shocking the not knowing could be.

And now he'd traumatized his son. Again.

What a track record.

"Do you think he'll forgive me?" Eddie asked quietly.

"I think he already has," Buck replied. "I think despite the dread of that… situation… he understands now. Better than before."

Eddie cracked open another expensive airport water, staring down at the opened lid. "I ran away from home. So often I- … I never want him to run too. Never again."

Buck reached out to take his hand, lacing their fingers together. Eddie met his gaze. "Maybe… you could tell us? About running? Growing up in El Paso?"

Chris lowered his headphones, watching curiously. "Please?"

Of course, he'd been eavesdropping. This was Eddie's son, after all. Eddie exhaled softly, fighting the urge to fondly shake his head. "Are you sure? It's not always a happy story."

Chris nodded. "No more running."

"Okay," Eddie breathed out, watching as his two favorite people stared back at him in anticipation, the airport stench in his nose and muffled conversations all around. "I think the first thing I remember is a church with stained glass windows when I was seven…"

By the time Eddie was done with his retelling - more or less - he felt two heads of curly hair on either of his shoulders, steadily breathing as the plane began to sink in LA.

And Eddie thought - for the first time in a long while - that it'd all be okay. Because they were together, all of them, as a family. And there wasn't anything he could ever regret about that.

Eddie was ready to leave El Paso behind for good.

And he was ready to come home.