Chapter Text
Meeting Josh at the beach had become a nightly thing.
Sometimes they’d go for adventures, Josh would show him local spots that went unnoticed by tourists. Other times they’d just sit in the sand and talk for hours. Tyler isn’t sure which he likes more.
Really, he likes anytime spent with Josh.
Josh was like a breath of fresh air. He was like ice cold water on your bedside table in the middle of the night.
Things with him were so easy, their chemistry came as naturally as breathing.
They were so similar, and yet he was perfectly everything that Tyler was not. Josh was so carefree, it was like life sort of just flowed exactly how he wanted it to. He seemed to know where he was going, yet had no certain destination. Somehow, Josh could always see the positive side of things. He could go up to a stranger and see them for their best qualities. Tyler envied that about him.
He stared up at the stars and listened to the waves crashing against the shore. Tonight was one of those nights that they just sat on the beach. Josh was lying down beside him going on and on about the constellations. Tyler thought it was fascinating— not because he found the stars to be particularly interesting, but because Josh spoke about it in such a way that made Tyler unable to stop listening.
Josh was pointing up at a certain spot in the sky. Tyler tried his best to follow, but his eyes found their way down to the man’s features instead. He studied the way Josh’s colorful tattoo wrapped around his arm, the roots of the tree traveled up his forearm, leaves blossomed on his bicep, and on his shoulder was a swirling sky of red, orange, yellow, and the deepest blue. Tyler found himself wondering about the meaning behind it, what Josh had intended for the tattoo to represent to him.
Josh’s arm fell back to his side. Tyler’s eyes returned to the sky, but quickly made their way back to Josh. It took him a moment to realize that Josh had stopped talking. The other’s brown eyes were now looking right back at him, his body had turned to face Tyler.
“Hi.” Josh smiled.
Tyler blinked, feeling an unusual pit in his stomach.
“Hi…” He returned. Their gazes were locked.
“I thought they got you for a second there dude.”
”Huh?” Tyler cracked a confused smile. “Who?”
Josh smiled back wider.
“The aliens.”
Tyler chuckled and brought his hands up to cover his face.
“What?”
“Seriously man, you were gone,” Josh grabbed at Tyler’s wrist and pulled back one of his hands to reveal the beaming grin on his face. “It was like they used a tractor beam and sucked out your consciousness. I thought I was gonna have to find the mothership and go save your soul or something.”
“Stop it.” Tyler laughed and weakly fought against Josh’s grip.
“Stop what?” Josh hummed, pulling Tyler’s other hand away from his face. He was smiling so wide the corner of his eyes had creases.
“You’re the only alien here.” Tyler laughed as he shoved his wrists out of the other’s grasp.
Josh’s smile dropped as he gave the statement far too much consideration.
“I’m not sure if that’s an insult or a compliment.” He gave it a little more thought. “Knowing you, it was one hundred percent an insult,” Josh smiled deviously and poked the other’s sides.
Tyler’s body jumped as he burst out laughing. Josh joined in his laughter and continued to poke. Tyler fought against it, swatting at Josh’s hands and attempting to poke back. They fed off of each other, poking and prodding at the other to evoke some sort of reaction.
Somewhere in their manufactured struggle they had inched closer, leaving little room between them.
“Truce!” Tyler wheezed hard, barely breathing out the words.
“Truce?” Josh ceased fire, heaving to breathe himself.
“Yes! Truce, truce…” Tyler huffed, retracting his hands from the other.
A silence fell over them as they both settled back into a nice calm. Both had turned to lay on their backs.
They were now far too close,their arms touching, but neither of them seemed to notice or care.
“So, how’d you find me out?” Josh broke the silence.
“Well, it’s pretty obvious.” Tyler deadpanned, glancing over at the boy.
“Really?” Josh met his glance. “Well, could you give me some feedback? I need to get better at this blending in thing.”
“You’re just…” Tyler looked back up at the stars with an undeniable grin. “So odd.”
“I’m odd?” Josh scoffed.
“Yes. You are odd.” Tyler chuckled to himself.
“ So odd.” He mimicked.
“Yeah, so odd, that’s what I said.” Tyler rolled his eyes.
Josh hesitated. He turned onto his side and propped himself on his elbow to look down at Tyler.
“How?”
Tyler looked at him for a moment, eyeing him up with a sweet smile. Something stirred inside him just thinking about Josh.
“You sway to the beat of your own drum, and yet you’re somehow still so considerate of others' noise. You’re patient, and nice, and you have this optimism that is just unusual. You never have anything to complain about, you know exactly how to lighten a room, you offer a smile to those who frown— and what a smile it is,” Tyler exaggerated for dramatic flair, but he meant every word. “You have this energy that is so bright, even dressed in all black you seem to glow and stand out, it’s impossible to ignore or deny.” Looking up at Josh, he began piecing it together. Against the blackened night sky, Josh seemed to shine with the stars. Tyler smiled softly and made a frame out of his fingers. He looked at Josh from behind the fake lense. “You fit right in up there with the stars, so you’ve got to be an alien.”
Josh didn’t have any quick remarks. He was staring at Tyler with an indescribable expression.
Tyler suddenly felt small underneath the man’s gaze. His smile faltered as his hands fell back to rest on his stomach.
“Are you like… a poet or something?” Josh asked with dead seriousness.
“No…” Tyler narrowed his eyes, confused.
“I think you are.”
“What?”
“I think that you are, you just don’t know it.”
“Oh, okay.” Tyler rolled his eyes as a smile crept back onto his face.
“Seriously, I bet if you posted what you just said to me on Twitter it would get butt-tons of likes.”
“Think people would retweet it on their aesthetic pages?” Tyler mused.
“They’d quote it in their bio’s.” Josh didn’t miss a beat, the look on his face was entirely too serious. Tyler chuckled.
Josh was now leaning over him, curly brown hair fell from his forehead. Tyler couldn’t help but think that the boy was beautiful. His stomach twisted. The way Josh was looking at him, he wondered if he was thinking the same thing. Something tense filled the air, and neither of them spoke. Josh’s eyes flickered down to Tyler’s lips. Tyler’s eyes widened, his breath hitched.
In his pocket, his phone began to violently buzz. His ringtone broke the silence between them, loud and unexpected. Josh leaned back, giving Tyler the space to sit up.
It was Jenna.
Tyler’s heart sank. Josh gave him a concerned look, tilting his head.
“You okay?”
Tyler nodded, but his chest felt too tight to speak. He swallowed hard.
“You sure? Your face is like… white.” Josh waved his hand in front of Tyler’s face. Tyler couldn’t force his attention away from the girl’s picture that lit up the screen.
“Yeah! Yeah, it’s just my girlfriend…”
“Your girlfriend?” Josh seemed surprised by this. Tyler watched the phone in his hand ring.
”Are you going to answer it..?”
“Uh… No…” He shut his phone off, the picture of the girl turned into a black screen and the ringing stopped.
Josh stared at Tyler, confused. Tyler stared at the ocean in front of them and watched the large waves roll in.
“Are you two fighting?”
Tyler shook his head.
There was no room to fight, he had completely shut her out. Guilt wracked over him. He let out a heavy sigh and pulled his knees to his chest, then let his head fall against them.
“Hey, don’t do that.” Josh scooted closer and placed a hand on Tyler’s back. “What’s up? You don’t need to shut down. Talk to me.”
Tyler lifted his head slightly, turning to glance at Josh. His eyes were heavy with the evident stress that the situation brought him. Josh’s eyes were kind, they looked at Tyler with a softness that he didn’t deserve.
His throat felt as though it were closing. Still, he tried to speak. “I don’t love her, Josh.” His words were a whisper, thick with pain.
Josh’s eyes widened slightly at the weight of the unexpected confession, but he quickly shifted and looked at Tyler with empathy.
“That’s okay,” Josh whispered back, his words laced with compassion.
Tyler laughed. Tears broke from his eyes and he shook his head, burying it again in his knees.
“It’s really not,” His words were muffled. A sob escaped him, rattling his whole body.
Josh ran his thumb across Tyler’s back in a comforting gesture. They sat in silence for a moment, listening to the sound of the waves crashing.
Tyler inhaled a shaky breath.
“I don’t know what to do about it.”
Josh’s brow furrowed with subtle confusion.
“Well, there’s not much else you can do. It seems pretty simple.”
“Simple.” Tyler shook his head and again laughed. “Nothing about it is simple.”
“Why not? If you don’t love her, you shouldn’t be with her. It’s better for the both of you that way… right?”
Tyler looked at him. What he was saying was right, and really, it was quite simple— at least it was from the outside. Josh couldn’t see the many layers that the simple answer was pushed under. The crushing expectations placed on him, the disappointment, the guilt, the shame.
“It would be better for her,” Tyler breathed.
Really, it would be. She could do so much better than Tyler. She could go out and find a man who would take care of her, a man who would move mountains for her, a man that she deserved, a man that he was not.
“But, I don’t know what I’d do without her… I don’t know who I’d be.” He’d be lost. He’d be depraved. He’d be left alone, with no one to help him sort out his blasphemous thoughts.
Josh looked at him for a moment, seeming puzzled by what he’d said.
“You’d be… you?”
Tyler furrowed his brow.
“Actually, you’d probably be more you than you’ve ever been. Clearly being with her takes out a part of you. And if you’re running away— coming out here to escape from it all— then it’s not really what you want, is it?” Josh elaborated, and Tyler hated that what he said made sense. He hated that Josh was right.
“But she’s perfect— I mean like cookie cutter perfect. My family, they all love her. She is everything that anyone would want in a partner. She’s caring, considerate, giving, selfless…” Tyler was desperately trying to make Josh understand, but in the same vein, desperately trying to remind himself why he couldn’t let her go.
“But you don’t love her?”
Tyler hesitated, though he knew the answer. He wanted so badly for it to change, as if in an instant he could flip a switch in his brain and make life simple.
“No, I don’t.”
“So, really, she’s not perfect then is she? Not for you at least.” Josh wasted no time cutting to the point.
Tyler looked at him with narrow eyes, his mouth slightly agape. The words had struck a chord in him, rattling him mercilessly, leaving him momentarily speechless.
“But, my family…” He murmured.
“I’m sure your family wants what’s best for you, and that’s not for you to keep pretending to be something you’re not.”
Tyler shook his head.
“No, Josh. They’d be so disappointed .” His chest felt constricted. “They would… Well, they’d be ashamed.”
Josh gave him a sad look. He didn’t speak, but behind his eyes Tyler could see what was left unsaid— a speech about acceptance and unconditional love and things that Tyler could never really believe. Josh spared him of this, opting to stay silent instead.
He turned his attention away from Tyler, looking out to the ocean.
“Would you be ashamed?”
Tyler eyed the other boy, he felt his defenses flare up.
“Ashamed of what?” He was quick to ask, taking a snappy tone.
Josh picked up on the hostility. He met Tyler’s gaze almost instantly.
“Yourself. Who you really are.”
The implications of what Josh said had Tyler sick. A wave of nausea washed over him. He felt bare, as if he’d been pried open and laid out for observation. Without saying it, Josh had called out what Tyler himself wouldn’t accept, wouldn’t even acknowledge. He felt entirely too seen, like he was made of glass.
“What do you know about who I really am?” Tyler bit harshly.
Josh seemed hurt by this, his brows were knit together and a frown pulled his lips. Tyler’s snarl fell as the guilt set in. They were silent, the tension between the two made the air thick to breathe in and heavy in their lungs.
“I’d know more if you’d let me.” Josh was quiet.
“Maybe I don’t want you to know more,” Tyler huffed.
“Why? Why wouldn’t you want me to know more?” Josh asked earnestly.
Tyler didn’t answer, he couldn’t. Josh seemed fed up, like he was at the end of this rope that he had extended to Tyler.
“I want to!” He exasperated. “I want to know you, I want to care about you, I want to be here for you.” Josh reached out his hand to touch Tyler, but before he could the boy had jerked away. “But there you go again!” Josh threw his hands up in defeat. “Anytime I try to get close, you run for a sarcastic comment or push it away completely— as if ignoring it makes it any less real.”
Tyler blinked dumbly in the face of Josh being stern with him. He had yet to hear the normally passive man get worked up.
“Have you ever thought that maybe it wouldn’t be so scary to face all this pent up crap you have going on if you had someone to lean on?”
He wasn’t sure what it was that terrified him about Josh’s words, but he felt his chest struggle to expand and knew what would follow. He was sure Josh could sense the panic in his eyes by the way his demeanor softened.
“Ty—“ Before Josh could finish, Tyler was standing up.
“I don’t need anyone to lean on,“ He snapped coldly. “I don’t need someone to save me, so just stop okay? I’m not some lost soul in need of salvation. God is my salvation, not you. He will set me free, he will guide me, he will tempt me but I won’t give in to sin. I won’t—“ Tyler caught himself spewing— preaching. His voice rattled with emotion. He inhaled a shaky breath and looked down at Josh. His fist clenched. “I won’t.” He discerned.
With that, he began down the beach.
“Tyler?” Josh called after him. He whipped his head to shoot the boy a look, one that cut like a dagger.
He walked away, and Josh didn’t follow.
Each step that he took felt heavier. He felt a pressure building inside of him, getting closer to bursting with each sharp breath he took. The feeling wasn’t unfamiliar, actually he’d grown acquainted with it. He walked for an unnoticed amount of time, aimlessly pacing the vastly spanning beach in an effort to distance himself from the brown eyes that could see right through him. His anger dissipated as he grew further from Josh, and the fear that was hidden underneath it began to claw itself up to the surface.
He wasn’t sure how far he’d walked, but when he turned around Josh was long gone. In front of him the ocean was sparkling with the moon reflected on its surface. It was a beautiful sight to get lost in. He sat in the cold sand with his knees pulled to his chest. His breathing had grown increasingly short as the panic attack began to set in.
Why was he unhappy with Jenna? He knew the answer.
The answer was in the way his heart clenched whenever Josh looked at his lips.
He’d known for a while that he wasn’t quite right. Back in high school, when his friends had all begun to bloom and he never did. Not the same that they had at least. They’d talk about girls and pass around pictures, but none of it made sense to Tyler.
“Oh man, she is so hot…”
“Yeah, she’s pretty I guess.”
“No dude, like, she is hot-hot.”
“Hot-hot?”
“Look at her tits!” His friend Michael shoved the playboy in his face. Tyler cringed. It felt wrong. His eyes focused on the blank corner of the page as he felt a horrible pressure in his head.
He thought he was missing something, that he wasn’t looking in the right places, that he was too young, that he wasn’t trying hard enough to like what he was seeing, but that wasn’t it at all. The answer became increasingly clear as he got older.
He used to peak over at Michael during phys-ed. He used to force himself to stare at the ground in the changing room and showers. He rarely had sleepovers. He didn’t watch porn. He was a bigger fan of Batman than he ever was of Catwoman. No matter how hard he tried to keep it away, it always found a way to creep up on him.
He would never admit it. Denial, denial, denial. It kept him safe. He heard the way that others talked about people like that . People who were unorthodox, who acted on their desire and gave in to temptation. People who were, in Josh’s eyes, themselves.
All these years he had kept a steady pace at running from it. It was always there glaring at him in the background, but now it was breathing down his neck. Cold sweat came over him. He looked down at his shaking hands and balled them into a fist. He inhaled a breath that rattled in his chest and tried to point out five things he could see. The ocean, the moon, the sand, the stars— the stars that reminded him of Josh, and Josh’s lips, and how sweet they looked when they were colored blue from the sugary syrup of a gas station slushie.
Tyler’s gut twisted. It was wrong, so wrong.
He looked out to the ocean and tried to force his mind to go blank listening to the waves. Hearing the waves now, he couldn’t help but hear Josh’s soft laughter in the background.
His eyes widened and he clutched at his knees. He couldn’t escape it.
“Stop.” He clasped his hands tightly together, bowed his head, and pleaded with God. “Please stop. I won’t give in, I will not give into temptation.”
God didn’t answer. God never answered, because Tyler was dirty.
Tyler felt tainted. He felt like every inch of him had been caked in grime. He stared ahead and wondered if the ocean could wash him clean. He imagined going out into the sea and letting the tide take him. The salty water would fill his lungs and purify him from the inside out. His throat felt as though it were closing just thinking about it, or maybe that was just the result of heaving for air and fighting back tears.
The strum of a guitar broke him from his thoughts. A soft melody began, perfectly melancholy.
“Little boy on the beach blue as the ocean
Why so blue, boy
Did the waves take your shoe, little boy blue
Did the ocean hurt your feelings too
Is there something we could do, little boy blue…“
Tyler pulled his knees closer to his chest and tried his best to ignore the faint playing of the odd song. He also tried not to notice the way this side of the beach smelled suspiciously of cannabis. A tambourine joined in as the melody picked up.
“Sad boy on the beach,
Oh, sad boy on the beach
Hugging his knees, boy on the beach”
Slowly, Tyler turned his head to find the source of the song. A camper van dimly lit by the warm glow of string lights was parked in the brush behind him. Underneath the canvas canopy roof, two men sat outside on fold out chairs. The one singing had a haircut that one could only describe as Beatle-esque, and in his hands was the tambourine. The other had a thick five-o-clock shadow, flip flop clad feet, and was holding the guitar.
He must have been so out of it on his way over to the spot that he hadn’t noticed the pretty odd pair.
“Is…” Tyler hesitated. “Is this about me?” He narrowed his eyes. “Are you singing about me?”
The two stopped playing. They looked at each other and then back at Tyler and shook their heads.
“Huh? What? No.”
“No man.”
“Nah.”
“Oh, sorry…” Tyler felt an awkward tension. He turned his attention back to the ocean.
They began again, picking their song back up.
“Look to the sea, boy
Is this about me, boy
Pitiful sorry boy
Tell us the story, boy”
Tyler whipped his head around, his frustration evident.
“Seriously? What’s your problem?” He fumed.
“We’re just catching a vibe, man…” The flip flop guy lowered his guitar, downcast.
“Inspiration struck. We saw your pain…” The other mused mournfully.
Tyler was dumbfounded. He stared, body half-twisted, mouth agape at the sheer audacity and stupidity of the bleary-eyed pair. The entire reason he stumbled down the beach had left his mind.
”My pain.” He deadpanned.
“Listen, man… I’ve been there.” The Beatle imitator touched a hand to his heart and lazily nodded his head to Tyler.
”Right…” Tyler looked the man up and down with a judgmental stare. “Where exactly have you been?”
The man dropped his tambourine into his lap and adjusted himself so that he was at the edge of his seat, hands cradling his mouth as if in deep thought. He breathed a heavy sigh.
”This very beach, my new, blue, friend.” He spoke his words in a low tone, much like some sort of bard reciting melodramatic poetry.
Tyler cringed.
The more normal of the two beat his hand on his chest in a show of some sort of brotherly solidarity. “Speak your pain, mi compadre Ryro.”
”I’ve had many-a-night like this, boy blue–”
“My name is Tyler.”
“Ohhh what a wonderful name, Tyler Boy Blue!”
“Ew, dude, no—“
“My heart, it is heavy, just like yours. Burdened by love,” The alleged ‘Ryro’ waxed, “Shaken, lost, woeful, hollow, tortured… Yes, I’ve loved and I’ve lost, and I’ve ended up there, just as you are.”
“I’m really not following…” Tyler turned his body to face them, sitting criss-crossing in the sand, almost curious to what the overly-theatrical man was on about.
“Romance comes to this beach to die, little Tyler Blue.”
“Stop calling me tha– Wait, what do you mean, ‘romance’? That’s not… I’m not–”
”We never really are, are we? Any of us… Until we are. I can see your heart, man. It’s crying out to me, as dark and deep as the ocean below us. You are not alone in this fight against the raging tides of this sorrowful shore. The moon and her unforgiving ways drags us down in the undertow without a fighting chance, but the heart must keep treading, or else we will sink.”
In a weird way, what the man said was almost inspiring. If Tyler sifted through the melodramatic bullshit, he could find a semblance of meaning in the words. Maybe.
“That’s… Uh… That’s nice. What does that have to do with me exactly?”
”What I’m saying is, your heart is not the only one to come broken to this beach.”
“My heart is not broken.” Tyler held up a defensive finger.
“Oh, I’m seeing it now. You’re the one with the sword…” Ryro mused.
“Man, wha—“ Tyler and his bewilderment were cut off.
“That’s okay, I’ve wielded an emotional blade, held to the neck of my lover before too… Sometimes, we have to command the bleed in order for the wound to begin healing.”
“Aw, man, that’s a good one,” The other leaned back in his chair and rested his head against the backside.
Ryro nodded. “Thank you kindly, JWalk.”
Tyler was starting to understand the weird way in which they communicated. Laced in their odd words was somehow a hidden wisdom. Strangely, what the over-the-top man had said resonated with Tyler. It almost angered him that the ridiculous situation had actually helped him out of what would have been a pretty bad depressive episode.
“What if… When I ‘command the bleed’, I’m actually only stabbing myself? What if letting her go ruins me? And in tearing her heart, I shred the only armor protecting me.”
“Woah…” Ry sat back in his chair and looked at Tyler through hazy eyes.
“Deep.” Flip Flops nodded his head.
Tyler rolled his eyes and slouched in defeat. The hope that he’d had in the two disappeared.
“What do you need armor for, Tyler Boy Blue?”
Ry’s question actually caught Tyler’s attention. He hesitated, thinking for a moment. The armor shielded him from judgment. It protected him from not only the wrath of others, but the filth inside of himself.
“And why make your lover your armor? Someone who is your armor will only hurt, subjecting themselves to take blows directed at you.”
Tyler blinked, considering the words. ”I guess that is pretty selfish.”
“For sure.” Jwalk took a long drag of what appeared to be a blunt. He passed the home rolled joint over to the other man.
“No armor is indestructible.” Ry said before taking a hit himself. The singing bud glowed a hot orange as he inhaled the poison.
Tyler bit his lip and nodded to himself.
Jenna was not indestructible. The poor girl had already been battered enough because of Tyler. She’d been strung along as a scapegoat. He couldn’t keep going like this. His misery was seeping into her, drowning her. All this time he’d been avoiding it, holding onto her like some sort of raft, he was only dragging her down to the sea floor with him. Now, he had to release her so that she could surface. He would sink so she could swim.
The stoners probably would have liked those analogies, he thought.
A sad smile tugged at his lips.
“Oh, look, he can smile!” Jwalk tapped Ryro’s arm with excitement.
“A bittersweet beam.” Ry nodded.
“Bittersweet, indeed.” Tyler stood up and stretched out his stiff limbs. He looked down at the beach. “I guess I should get going.” He sighed. “I’ve got a heart to break.”
“Nah man,” Jwalk waved his finger. “ You’ve got a heart to set free.”
“Right…”
That was one way to look at it.
As he began his journey home, he heard the familiar strum of a guitar. The tapping tambourine soon followed.
“Blue boy, walking back down the beach
Beaming a bittersweet beam
Blue boy, set her heart free
Blue boy, set your heart free
Set your heart free
Set your heart free…”
The man’s voice trailed faintly as Tyler walked out of range.
The silly song lifted a slight weight off his chest, making him feel a little lighter despite his impending doom. There was a feeling of acceptance, almost.
How bizarre, he thought.
As he passed by the spot that he and Josh sat, he lingered for a moment, glancing around with hope that maybe the other would still be there. He of course was long gone after Tyler had stormed off the way he did.
Guilt followed him all the way home, back to the place they were renting. He snuck in as quietly as he’d snuck out, without even the squeak of a hinge. He’d gotten to his room, into his bed, laid on his back staring at the ceiling fan. It made a low buzz as the blades revolved.
Moonlight came in through the window, but the look on Josh’s face clouded his vision, it was the only thing he could see. The furrowed brow, tight frown, sad eyed expression haunted him.
Josh was hurt, but also frustrated— at his wits end. All he wanted to do was help, He extended his kindness and offered advice, even comfort. Tyler was the one making it difficult, running away from every opportunity of closeness.
Why? What was so wrong with being known? Especially by someone like Josh.
Josh didn’t look at him with judgment. His eyes were kind, his smile was soft, his light was a warm glow. There was nothing scary about Josh, aside from the fact that he was such a tender person.
Tyler owed him an apology.
He owed a lot of apologies.
The brightness from his phone screen made him flinch, cringing for a moment at the light. He opened Jenna’s messages. More had accumulated since the last time he checked. His heart clenched.
“I’m worried about you Ty.” 4:17pm
"So whoever knows the right thing to do and fails to do it, for him it is sin." James-4:17
Tears welled in his eyes, threatening to spill out. An overwhelming fear crushed him. Maybe Josh wouldn’t pass him any judgment, but God would. In his heart, he knew what was right. He knew he had to come clean, confess to Jenna his true feelings and set her free. But why did coming clean feel so dirty? Why did it feel impious?
He stared at the keypad thinking of something— anything— to say, and yet nothing.
What could he say?
I don’t love you. That was so cold. It was too harsh.
I can’t be with you anymore. No, it was too blunt.
I'm really sorry… He was sorry, but that just sounded pathetic.
His hand fell over his face, shielding his burning eyes from the bright light. He pinched the bridge of his nose. The pressure relieved some of the stress that had built up.
The years they’d spent together replayed in his mind like a highlight reel. Her smile, their kisses, the giggles, the milestones— he felt his gut twisting. Would he miss it? He thought about all the things he faked, the things he forced, the words he said but didn’t mean. He felt like a fraud. Like an actor who had gotten too into his role and now had a false sense of self.
His conflicted mind and heart spun in circles, causing him to toss and turn all night long.
Back on the beach, the events of the night replayed. Tyler was laying on his back in the sand. Josh was leaning over him, curly brown hair fell from his forehead. There was a purple hue in the night sky painted with stars. Josh’s eyes flickered down to Tyler’s lips. Tyler’s eyes widened, his breath hitched. His gaze fell onto Josh’s lips. The air was thick with tension.
Nothing was said between them. Josh brought a hand up to gently cup Tyler’s cheek, with his fingers grazing behind his neck. Tyler felt his chest swell, his eyes fluttered shut. Their lips met with a soft brush. A slow burning warmth traveled through Tyler. His hands made their way to Josh’s chest, gliding up the man’s torso until they found their way to his broad shoulders. He gripped into the muscle with a slight pressure. This seemed to encourage Josh. The passion between them built into a desperate need for each other. They were gasping, barely catching breath between kisses. Grasping, gripping at each other’s clothes like a life line.
Finally, Josh broke away from their embrace. Saliva traveled between them as they begrudgingly pulled away. Tyler’s chest was heaving.
He felt no guilt. He felt no fear. There were no eyes on him except for Josh’s. Not even God could intrude on their intimacy. It was a sweet ecstasy that muddled his faith into a mere afterthought.
He wanted more, he craved it.
Josh looked so hot leaning over him, panting like a dog. Tyler looked at him with a half lidded hazy eyed stare.
God, he wanted to groan. God? God had no part in this, God was nowhere to be found at the moment. There was nothing in the world but the crashing ocean waves and the starry night sky.
“Ty,” Josh breathed. It was intoxicating.
Tyler looked up at him, doe eyed. “Hm?”
”Would you be ashamed?”
The air shifted.
The look on Josh’s face dropped. He was expressionless.
”Would you be ashamed.”
Tyler shuffled away from the man on his elbows, but didn’t get far. He stared at him with wide eyes full of fear, caught like a deer in headlights.
“Tyler?” Josh crawled after him and again cupped his cheek.
He flinched, feeling like prey under Josh’s thumb.
”Tyler?” Josh’s voice melded with Jenna’s.
The sound of the ocean stopped. It was a deafening silence, an overwhelming absence of sound.
“You should be ashamed.” Jenna’s voice sounded from behind him. She spoke in a way he’d never heard before, cold and unforgiving.
He turned to face the girl. Her eyes were spilling tears, mascara tracks lined her face. She looked devastated.
“How could you?” Her lip quivered as her voice trembled.
He inhaled to speak, but woke up gasping for breath.
The sunlight that poured in from the window blinded him. He squinted his eyes and turned his head.
The dream left his heart racing with a cold sheen of sweat cast over him.
”Tyler?”
His mother’s voice called from a distance.
“Honey, wake up.” She peaked her head into his room from the doorway. “Beach day!” She clapped her hands and tried to enthuse the boy. “You’re sleeping away our daylight, hun. Let’s go. Chop chop!”
Tyler rolled over in bed and shoved his face into the pillow. A tired groan escaped him.
He was dreading beach day.
His limbs were stiff as he stood from the bed. His hair was an unruly mess, his eyes were half open and his mouth was dry. He scratched his stomach with a long yawn, and walked out into the minefield that was the kitchen.
Everyone was already awake and arguing. His sister and his youngest brother, Jay, were bickering over who took longer in the bathroom, and who deserved the first shower when they got home, and every other stupid thing that didn’t matter. Zack and his father were arguing over what they would really need for the day and struggling to make all of the many certainly unnecessary items fit on top of their cooler so it would be ‘easier’ (it really only made things harder) to carry. His father had somehow found a way to stack two folding chairs and a big bag of towels, but that only made it heavier, which made it hard to wheel or steer. All while his mother was trying desperately to get everything together for them to get out of the house.
“Sunscreen, has anyone seen the sunscreen?” She called out over their fighting, but it went ignored. She was squatting in the bathroom rummaging through bags. The blue and yellow can was sitting above her head on the counter pushed behind the hairdryer and hairspray. Tyler rolled his eyes and grabbed the can.
“Mum,” He tapped her on the shoulder with it and put it in front of her face.
“Oh! Thank you, baby.” She grabbed it and shoved it into the tote bag that was hanging on her shoulder.
“Brush your teeth, grab your sunnies, put on your swimmies, we gotta go go go!” She hurried past him, but stopped short when she caught a glimpse of his appearance. “Oh, geez… This hair…” She attempted to pat down the various peaks and fly aways, somewhat straightening out his mane.
He rolled his head out of her grasp and stepped away. “Yep, got it. Gotta go go go.”
She hesitated, the urge to continue to fight with his hair was clear on her face, but she decided against it.
“Alright,” She continued to make her way out of the bathroom and into the kitchen. “Let’s go people, the beach will be there all day, but the sun won’t!”
Tyler quickly pulled himself together while his family settled their bickering. He still looked rugged, the restless night was clear in his tired eyes. His shorts were a colorful checkered pattern. He slipped on his dark shades in an attempt to mask the jaded look on his face.
It almost worked.
His reflection stared at him in the mirror. In the few days they had been there, his skin had already darkened into a golden sunkissed tan. He shifted the button up shirt he’d thrown on, adjusted the collar until he ultimately decided on undoing the first two buttons. The corners of the tattoos on his chest peaked out at certain angles.
“Tyler!” His father called after him. “We’re going.”
It took them far too long to pick a spot. Each person of course had their own suggestion, even Tyler was guilty of this.
“There’s too many people down that way,” Tyler groaned.
“The water is clearer over here,” Jay argued.
“There’s a baby crying over there!” Maddy whined.
“Those girls are cute, let's sit by them,” Zach pointed.
They bickered and bickered until finally their mother had gotten so frustrated that she placed her chair in the sand and set down her bag immediately, ultimately choosing to just take whatever spot they could get over fighting about what would be the best place to park it.
It was a fine spot— not perfect, but not crowded.
Everyone had convened to place their towels down and sort through whatever they wanted on their person. Clothes were stripped to swimsuits, flip flops and slides were kicked off, and shirts were lazily stuffed into bags. It wasn’t long before the family had split into their respective activities.
The boys all broke off to toss around a foam football, and in true Joseph fashion, the lighthearted activity had turned completely competitive.
They’d split off into two teams; Zach and Jay, Tyler and his father.
“Alright son,” his father was hunched over, stretching his back. “Let’s show them young buck that us old folk still got it.”
Tyler scoffed and rolled his shoulder. He was stiff, but a little competition would quickly loosen him up.
They’d made up imaginary boundaries in the sand and called out plays which were also made up on the spot. They discussed strategies and took their scorekeeping far too seriously.
“That’s a touchdown!” Jay attempted. He was huffing, out of breath.
“Not a chance!” Tyler shut him down, immediately ready to defend it.
“Nope, no way.” His dad backed him up.
Their mother sat in the distance with her phone pointed at them, taking videos and pictures of their every move.
Maddy sat beside her with her hair tied up, black sunglasses shielding her eyes, with a book in hand while she laid out to tan.
Their father was the first to back down, surprisingly as he was the most stubborn.
“I’m down,” He tapped Tyler on the shoulder and began to walk away.
“Wh— You’re leaving me?” Tyler turned and threw his arms out.
“Make me proud son, you can take these knuckleheads.” His father heaved.
Jay ran past him and blew past their imaginary end zone. He made this known, loudly celebrating the easy victory.
“That doesn’t count!” Tyler whipped back around and waved a defensive finger.
They continued to argue about the validity of the point.
As they began to overheat in the hot sun, the game had made its way into the ocean. Quickly after this, Zach had quit, leaving Jay and Tyler to toss the ball back and forth.
The waves were mild, easy to jump. They spread out further with each throw.
Jay’s throw had veered a little out of reach. Tyler jumped for the ball, but fell short. An unexpected wave came from behind him and crashed into him. When he surfaced, the ball was nearly washed to the shore. He wiped the salty water out of his eyes and shook his head. The sunglasses on him had been swallowed by the ocean. He pursed his lips and blew the poor tasting liquid off of his mouth.
Jay was laughing, pointing, clutching his stomach.
Tyler attempted to feel around for his sunglasses in the sand with his feet, but they were of course long gone. He let out a long groan of frustration. It was far too bright a day for him to go without a pair of sunglasses.
Luckily there was a shop nearby, one that sold pretty much anything that someone on the beach would want, along with things that actually no one would want.
He quickly dried himself, ruffling his hair in his towel.
As he went to grab his wallet, his mother stopped him.
“Where are you going?” She questioned.
“That shop over there,” he pointed without looking at it. “I lost my shades to the ocean, need new ones.”
“I’ll come with you,” she offered.
He gave her a look, one that said ‘I’m a twenty two year old man, I don’t need my mom to come to the store with me.’ She gave him one back, one that said, ‘you will always be my baby.’
“I want to look at the souvenirs anyway, got to get something to bring home to Jenna.”
The mention of her name felt like a fist had reached into his chest and clenched his heart.
She jabbered on about gifts the entire way there, he entertained her with brief ‘yeah’s and quick nods. He had no idea how to tell her that the only gift Jenna was getting from him was a breakup text.
They walked into the small beach shop with a ding. There was only one worker behind the counter, a curly haired brunette with a brightly colored shirt and a puka shell necklace.
Their eyes locked and instantly Tyler’s posture straightened. He averted his eyes as quickly as he could, but it took a second to pull them away from Josh. Josh’s gaze remained on him. Suddenly he felt too exposed, wishing he’d thrown back on his shirt.
His mother seemed completely oblivious to the insanely awkward moment that had just taken place. She wandered around the small space and scanned the shelves.
Tyler looked at literally anything, found the first thing to his right and locked his eyes on it. He hoped— prayed— that the man wouldn’t approach him. He could feel Josh’s eyes still.
“Hun, here are the glasses.” She waved him over to a spinning rack of sunglasses.
He wasted no time making his way to her.
“Ooo, try these ones on.” His mom handed him a pair of aviator shades, ones that he would have never picked out himself.
Tyler took them from her, opting to just put them on his face to make her happy rather than outwardly deny her. He gave her a fake toothy grin and modeled the shades.
“Those are nice, Ty.” She smiled at him and tapped his cheek.
“Yeah, but they aren’t dark enough.” He shrugged.
She nodded and turned her attention back to the rack. She spun it around, trying to find the perfect pair.
“What about these?” She picked up a dark pair with red rims. He cringed and shook his head.
“Really?” His mother questioned as she put the glasses on herself. “I think they’re cute.” She looked at herself in the small mirror closely. “Maybe not,” She put them back.
He picked up a pair, they were a dark brown pair with a thin black frame with a gold bridge.
“These will do.”
“Those?”
”Yeah, I like them.”
She took them out of his hand and examined them.
“How much are they?”
”Does that really matter?”
”Well, I figured I’d buy them for you. I know you are low on money… Let’s just ask the worker—“
Before she could finish, he was waving a defensive hand.
“No, no mom you’re not… It doesn’t matter how much they are, I’m buying them, it's fine.” He took the glasses from her.
“Honey, I want you to be able to afford something nice for Jenna…”
Again with the Jenna stuff. He was so frustrated with it. He wanted to tell her that getting the girl a gift would be pointless, but bit his tongue.
”Excuse me?” She had turned to face the man at the counter— Josh.
He perked up and headed over to them. Tyler crossed his arms over his bare chest, feeling overexposed.
“Hello ma’am, how can I help you?” Josh greeted her with the brightest smile. Tyler felt sick.
“There’s no price tag on these glasses, I was wondering how much they are?”
Josh took the sunglasses and examined them thoughtfully.
”No tag? Well, I guess that means they’re free.” He shrugged and politely handed them back over.
Tyler narrowed his eyes at the man.
“Funny.” He deadpanned. “How much are they?”
Josh tilted his head like a curious dog.
“Hm? I mean it, take them,” He gestured. “I owe you for last night anyway.”
Tyler felt his mother’s eyes shoot towards him. She didn’t speak, but he could hear the barrage of questions pouring out of her. She would want answers, she would want to know who this man was, how he knew Tyler, and what the hell happened last night. He needed a good lie, or a gun. Something to get him out of this incredibly tense situation.
“Right…” Though he didn’t want to take the charity, he couldn’t fight it or protest anymore. All he wanted to do was get out of that store, get away from his mother’s peering glare. “Thanks…”
“Yeah, man. They look good on you anyway, you can’t not take them.” Josh’s lighthearted comment made Tyler’s world shrink. He could hear his mother’s head turn toward him like metal screeching. Josh didn’t seem to notice the way the woman was staring at him like some sort of alien.
“That’s very kind of you.” His mother forced a polite smile. “God bless you.”
Only Tyler could hear the true malice behind the words. The hidden judgment in her eyes was masked by her friendly tone. It was the same one she used when she talked to Tom from their church, the one that was condescending— patronizing.
His stomach twisted.
When she said God bless you, what she really meant was may God be with you— as if there were something wrong with Josh that made him in need of God’s guidance. This seemed to go completely over Josh’s head, he touched a hand to his heart and thanked her.
Tyler practically pulled the woman out of the store. He threw up a hand to wave goodbye to Josh and swiftly exited.
As soon as the door behind them had closed, his mother’s mask dropped. She grabbed him by the arm and turned him to face her.
“Who was that?”
The question fell off her lips immediately. Her friendly smile had completely vanished, she looked at him with an entirely straight face.
Tyler panicked, his throat felt dry. What could he say? How could he explain it away? Surely there was a simple way around it, but his mind went blank under the pressure.
“Tyler, how do you know that man?”
He brushed past her, pulling his arm from her grip.
“Does it really matter? I don't even remember…”
She grabbed him again, giving him a grave look that rendered him motionless. Her brows were furrowed and her lips turned into a stern frown. His frustration had completely dissipated into fear.
“Does it matter?” She hissed. “He has piercings, he has crazy tattoos all up his arm, and he was wearing a necklace, Tyler. A necklace .”
Tyler blinked uncomfortably, he couldn’t look his mother in the eye. His chest struggled to expand.
“Honey,” Her tone softened for a moment, taking a more concerned approach. “He looked… well…” She couldn’t say the word, but he heard it loud and clear. His heart sank.
Homosexual. He looked like a homosexual .
“He just seems like trouble.” She looked at him with apprehension.
Trouble indeed, Tyler thought.
“Mom,” He sucked in a quick breath. “I told you, I don’t know how I know him. I didn’t even recognize him, really…” The lies rolled out like the manufactured bullshit that they were. “He probably mistook me for someone else, or something…”
She gave him a look, one that was desperate to believe him, yet utterly doubtful. Tyler gave her a look in return, one that pleaded with her to just drop it. And for the sake of their beach day, she did.
“Okay,” She handed the pair of shades over to him.
He slipped them on immediately, covering his tired eyes.
When they returned to their spot on the beach, Tyler rolled his towel out and laid down on his back. He fell asleep in the sand soon after.
“Tyler,” His brother not-so-softly nudged him with his foot. “Man, you are cooking,” Zack laughed. “Get up.”
Tyler groaned and rolled onto his side, stretching out his stiff sun-dried skin.
It was hard for him to focus for the rest of the day. His mind kept drifting to the incident. Everyone would be laughing, carrying on and having a good time, and then he’d feel his mother’s leering gaze. Anytime her eyes fell onto him, he froze. He gripped at his arms, he wanted to claw at his skin, or bury himself in the sand.
Toward the end of their day, the sky had slowly become overcast, and the sun had disappeared. Before they could fully pack up, a slight drizzle quickly turned into a heavy rain, and the Joseph’s scrambled to rush home in the downpour.
They sprinted, running down the road to the safety of their rental home. At first, there were groans of frustration and whinings of discomfort, but somewhere in the midst of the storm they began laughing.
Jay jumped in the water that was pooling on the concrete below them, splashing it everywhere. Maddy clung onto their father as if he could protect her from it, and Zach was catching water in his mouth.
It was a refreshing rain.
The salty ocean water and sand had been completely rinsed off of them.
Tyler felt a little lighter.
Cleaner.
Then his mother’s eyes fell on him, and there was a suffocating pressure in his chest. His breath caught and he inhaled the rain. He coughed out the water, choking.
Somewhere in her gaze, he could see it, she knew.