Archive of Our Own ^beta

It happened unexpectedly. For Bucky at least.

He had hung out with Sam countless times by that point and they usually accompanied any occasion with a six-pack of beer. Of course, Bucky could never feel an ounce of the alcohol so maybe he merely forgot that enough beer will affect Sam in time. Looking back, perhaps Bucky hadn't noticed how much Sam had to drink that night. Honestly, Sam's not that different when he's tipsy, just more relaxed mainly. Truth to be told, Bucky likes seeing Sam that way. With a lax comfort to his posture, a pleased glint in his eyes and his smile easy like it takes no effort at all. Sam tipsy is a happy sight to see.

Evidently, Sam drunk must not be too far off because Bucky didn't sense much of a change in him the night it happened. Not until Sam clumsily leaned over and kissed him. He adorably tried to play it off like he fell. Like a person could actually fall perfectly onto someone's lips with their mouth puckered and ready. Bucky didn't care about the silly fib because the kiss, as light and brisk as it may have been, did something to him. Lit something up inside of him that had been dormant for some time. He leaned right back in and kissed Sam for real.

That's how it started. With them making out every time Sam got a little drunk. Which coincidentally also started occurring more often. Sam began arriving with more beer, started suggesting more bars or ordering more wine for the table. Unfortunately, it always stopped after the make out and the next day proceeded with Sam seemingly forgetting anything ever happened.

Bucky is pretty sure Sam is never that drunk, he should have some recollection of these nights. He certainly gets tipsy, but black-out drunk is a far cry from the man who's been very coherently and aggressively making out with him time and time again.

Sam must be pretending to forget but the thing is, Bucky can't be mad. He's come to understand through all of this that he likes Sam, likes him more than he should. He's decided if this is all he gets — some hasty, sloppy, good make out sessions — then he's thrilled with simply that.

So it's certainly not Bucky voicing his desire for more when it slowly evolves into hooking up. No, Bucky's perfectly fine with keeping his mouth shut and he's so glad he does because the sex is unbelievable and he wouldn't want to chance ruining it.

Sure, maybe he's a little rusty, a little out of practice, so it's possible any sex with anybody could have blown Bucky's mind but he doesn't think that's the case. It's Sam, it's gotta be. The way the man kisses him, touches him, the way it feels when he's riding Bucky with his eyes sealed shut, mouth wide open like he's breathing in the waves of pleasure through his lungs. Bucky might be in love.

He'll never tell Sam though. They still don't talk about this thing, never have and Bucky suspects they never will. And like Bucky decided when this first started, he's more than happy with just this. He reminds himself every day how good he's got it. He's got Sam Wilson naked in his bed, coming on his chest, moaning by his ear. Jesus, what could be better than that?

Sometimes, Bucky tries to prepare himself for the day this will end because he swears it has to eventually. There's going to be a moment when Sam will come to his senses and realize there are better people to be spending his time with. 

The thought of it ending crushes Bucky a little too hard. Makes a pain launch into his chest so brutally that it sucks the breath right out of his throat but that's exactly why he's trying to prepare for it. This is just too good to last. Sam is too good for him but Bucky intends to enjoy every last second of it for as long as he's got it.

What's funny is even though Bucky has now had countless secret nights with Sam, he's still moderately surprised every time it happens. Every time Sam tugs on the collar of his shirt to bring him into a kiss and then pulls him to the bedroom, Bucky honestly marvels at the idea that Sam wants to do this with him.

Maybe it's his only outlet, Bucky considers. Sam is like any man with needs and Bucky is merely conveniently there. That's honestly the only understandable reason to make a guy like Sam want to take a guy like Bucky to bed. But again, Bucky's not going to complain.

Sam's in his bed, fingers combing through his hair.

Bucky's hair has gotten long, so long it partially curls by the end of his neck. He knows he needs a haircut, has been meaning to get one, and presently he feels a little self-conscious with Sam threading his fingers all the way down to the ends. There's no hiding the length now. Even with Bucky's unfavorable thoughts toward this Sam decides to compliment the very thing.

"I like it longer."

Bucky's brows knit together.

"My hair?" 

"What else?" Sam grins cheekily.

Bucky stares at him, at that wide breathtaking smile that could win awards no matter how sinful Sam intends it to be right now. He can't help himself, he leans in and kisses the very smirk on Sam's face. Sam deepens the kiss, it turns passionate. Bucky drags Sam onto his lap. 

Sam breaks the kiss and breathes against Bucky's forehead.

"Can't go another round tonight, gotta get up early tomorrow. Actually, should probably head out now."

Bucky swallows, his head dropping back against the headboard. He lets his arms fall off the man to let him know he's free to go.

"Yeah, okay," Bucky replies.

Sam smiles and leans in for one last kiss before briefly framing Bucky's chin and then sliding off him. 

Bucky stays in bed while he watches Sam redress and slip his shoes back on.

This is always the moment when Bucky's heart hammers in his chest. When it loudly pulses in his ears telling him to ask Sam to stay, ask for more. Then he reminds himself this is enough. Not just enough, it's more than enough.

This thing he has with Sam, it's too good of a thing. He shouldn't even have it.

A month ago he was lucky to have drunken wet kisses now he's never been luckier to have all of Sam in every intimate way possible. He can't ask for more.

Sam zips his jacket up and throws his phone in the pocket. 

"I'll text you the details tomorrow," Sam reminds him.

They have a mission coming up back in Madripoor. There are talks of Hydra that need to be dealt with, that was the summary. Honestly, Bucky doesn't want anymore details. Hydra and Madripoor are two things that make his blood boil given both their history. Regardless, Bucky will blindly follow Sam anywhere. So he doesn't need the details but Sam will send them to him anyhow and when he does, Bucky will read over every last word. 

Bucky nods. Sams smiles and then walks out.

The room still smells like him which is why Bucky loves when Sam comes to his place best. The worst thing in the world is leaving Sam's apartment and coming home to a cold, scentless pillow.

They're on the jet when Bucky realizes this may be the first mission since they started hooking up.

Torres is present which means Bucky has to physically contain himself. Not that he would normally jump Sam at every hour of the day but it must be the old tale of wanting something more when he knows he can't have it. Sam is off-limits right now and just the thought is driving Bucky wild. He likes it and he knows he probably shouldn't. Then again who the hell is he to be surprised, he wants anything to do with Sam.

Sam probably notices how on edge Bucky looks. He's moving, fidgeting in his seat and switching his stance. He's not allowed to touch Sam which suddenly means he doesn't know what to do with his hands and he keeps moving them from his lap to the bench to his gear to the back of his neck.

Sam arches an eyebrow at him confirming he senses something is up. He's asking what's going on with that eyebrow. Bucky kind of wishes there was a secret way he could tell Sam — I'm going crazy just wanting you. 

Coincidentally, Torres looks up from his phone and smiles at the men staring at each other. He turns to Sam then looks across the way at Bucky. 

Bucky scowls without meaning to. The kid is the reason Bucky can't currently have Sam and as much as he loves the thrill, he hates it all the same.

"What?" Torres asks Sam to avoid Bucky's deafening glare.

"Nothing," Sam replies and then widens his eyes at Bucky, a subtle warning to chill out.

Bucky chills.

Madripoor is really getting on Bucky's last nerve these days.

Maybe he's just worked up from the flight and all those hours of being so close to Sam without being able to touch him. He's secretly envisioning when they can go home. He probably won't even be able to wait, will probably pounce on Sam the moment Torres is out of sight. Maybe on the landing strip, Bucky smirks to himself.

The smirk is on his face before he realizes he's not supposed to be smiling and then it's too late. A man catches his gaze and instant rage fills Bucky when he recognizes the man. He's Hydra.

Unfortunately, being undercover means Bucky can't act out, can't just walk over and kill the man without causing a scene. Besides, this man, Hydra or not, isn't one of their profiled targets so he's unnecessary. 

The irrelevant figure walks over to Bucky with a wicked grin on his face. He gets close, too close, and Bucky is already mad that he and Sam split up. That leaves no one here to calm him down and all he wants to do is pierce a knife through this man's heart. He forces himself still regardless of the rage coursing through him.

The man's mouth lines up next to Bucky's ear although he's facing the wall so no one can read his lips. 

"Hello again, pet," the man hums delightedly.

Bucky clenches his jaw. He refuses to say anything, refuses to move a muscle unless Sam tells him to. 

"Been a while, hasn't it?" the man goes on, "I've missed you."

He pulls back to flash an evil smile at Bucky.

"I hope you've been spending your time wisely," the man tuts like he still has any power over him. 

Bucky grinds his teeth, he's desperate for Sam to tell him to move but the comms remains silent. 

"More so, I hope you've returned to play," the man states sternly like he's trying on his authoritative voice again, "Maybe this time we'll listen, eh?"

He smiles again and the first motion of his hand reaching up is when Bucky loses it.

Bucky grabs the man's wrist, twists and uses his left arm to begin uncontrollably smashing his face in. He violently left hooks his ribs a few times and the man drops to the floor in an instant, coughing up blood when he hits the ground.

Bucky doesn't even check to see if a crowd has formed. He's too busy snarling at the man and watching the small streams of blood that begin to seep out from under his body. He's probably still alive although maybe not for long, Bucky thinks but he doesn't regret a single thing.

"Bucky," he hears Sam's voice but it's not over the comms. His partner is standing right in front of him staring at the evidence of what Bucky's just done.

Bucky's eyes widen in fear. Sam continues to stare at the half-breathing man before them.

Fuck. This isn't going to help anything especially not his case of how undeserving he is of Sam. This will probably end everything. The good, good thing they have. It'll be gone just like Bucky always assumed it'd be one day. This is the day, it's gotta be, unnecessary violence is Sam's least favorite thing.

"Who is this?" Sam asks.

Bucky clears his throat trying to find the strength to answer.

"He's Hydra," he says roughly.

"How is he involved?" Sam questions in a very leveled tone.

Bucky's eyes dart down at the trickle of blood that has now reached his boot.

"He's not, is he?" Sam tests.

Bucky can hear the disappointment in his voice from a mile away.

"I knew him," Bucky breathes unevenly.

"And beating the hell outta him is fixing what, now?"

Bucky bites back his anger, not even with the man lying before him, with himself.

"Sorry," Bucky bites out.

Sam sighs, an awful displeased kind of sigh.

"Keep him hidden and don't go off on anyone else," Sam warns.

"I won't." 

"Even if you have a history with them," Sam demands.

Bucky nods, he can't say anything more. He hates himself right now.

Bucky drags the man out a back exit and leaves him in an alleyway. He could care less if the man dies especially since the worst damage is already done, the damage to his relationship with Sam.

The next old Hydra agent they come in contact with doesn't make things any better. Except this time, Bucky refuses to mess up a second time. So even when he hears the man, registers the click of the gun, he merely crushes the weapon with his vibranium hand and doesn't lay another finger on the man.

Even after the gun crumbles to pieces, the man doesn't create space between himself and Bucky. He's not scared, he thinks he still has control over the soldier. But this still isn't one of their targets and he's no real threat meaning Bucky should just ignore him to retain their cover.

Bucky stands his ground but he already knows what's coming. The man's wearing the same shit-eating grin as his other friend, currently in the alley.

At this point, Sam has turned around and has a gun pointed at the grinning man but the guy doesn't even pay attention to Sam, he's only focusing on Bucky.

Bucky lets the man talk and it's all the same taunting shit. Calling him a pretty pet, calling him easy, laughing in his face. Bucky's just standing there, gaze unfocused and directed past him, refusing to move until a red and white fist smashes into the man's face, knocking him out cold.

Bucky blinks at Sam, stunned. Sam's expression hardens.

"Don't let anyone talk to you like that," Sam grits. 

Sam swiftly turns and continues to move but Bucky is frozen in place for a few seconds too long that Sam has to stop, spin around and motion for him to follow.

Bucky can't stop thinking about it.

Especially since they don't discuss it — the fight, what the men said or the sex they continue to have the moment they're back home. 

It's somehow better than before.

It's not like Bucky didn't think Sam had his back but seeing him knock a guy out, imagining over and over how Sam punched him square in the face and didn't seem to care what damage he'd done because it was all for Bucky.

Sam cares about him.

At least that's what Bucky is telling himself, he gives a crap if it's true or not. The thought alone has the power to amplify every pleasure receptor in his body. He's existing on an absolute high as Sam rides him to orgasm.

The next trip they take is to Louisiana and it's the second time Bucky will have to control himself with Sam. This time should be a little easier since Sam's family will be around. The last thing he wants is to be kicked out of Sarah's house for loving on her brother. 

He's right. It's way easier this time especially because Sarah and the boys are a wonderful distraction. They make Bucky smile without even realizing it and it's during these unknowing smiles that he catches Sam staring at him with a look of wonder in his eyes. Bucky never knows what that means.

Apparently, Sarah also notices these looks. Clearly, she thinks something is going on because later that night she pulls Bucky aside and asks him why he hasn't asked her brother out yet.

"Sam?" Bucky asks as if he's ever met any of Sam's other brothers.

Sarah makes an incredulous face.

"No, he should never settle for a guy like me," Bucky refutes.

Sarah stops and her head sways to one side.

Bucky's almost expecting a lecture but she stays quiet, not making a sound other than a pensive hum. It's not until later Bucky will find out that she kept her mouth shut in front of him but immediately told Sam what he said.

That's when it happens. Possibly the moment Bucky had been waiting for all this time but refused to ever ask for, the moment they finally talk.

Sam waits until they get home which is really concerning because he stops things right after Bucky presses him against the wall and kisses him senseless. When Sam's hands push him away, Bucky is certain this is it. It's officially over.

He had a good run while it lasted, he quickly tells himself.

Truthfully, in the actual beat of the moment, he's not sure why this is finally the breaking point. He swears he messed up the worst in Madripoor, swore it was going to end then but it didn't. Sam let him kiss him that night they got home, let him do way more than just kiss him.

All he's done this time was go to Louisiana to visit Sam's family. And he didn't sneak a hand anywhere he wasn't supposed to, he was very well-behaved — at least he thought.

Sam seems to catch the sheer panic on Bucky's face.

"You're not in trouble," Sam states as if that helps anything.

He takes Bucky's hand and leads him to the couch. Bucky is buzzing with dread. It's over, it's over, this is when he's gonna end it, is loudly on repeat in Bucky's mind.

"We need to talk," Sam says. It's the worst four words Bucky's ever heard in his life.

Bucky only nods, there's no sense in trying to talk Sam out of this.

"You do know, I don't invite just anyone to my hometown?" Sam starts with.

Bucky tries to replay every minute with Sam's family and can't think of single offensive thing he's done or said this trip.

Sam's still waiting for an answer.

"I appreciate the invite," Bucky replies.

"I'm not looking for a thank you."

"Alright..." Bucky responds awkwardly. He's so confused.

"Sarah told me what you said - about us," Sam reveals.

"I didn't tell her anything, I swear. I pretend like this doesn't happen," Bucky hurriedly promises and he knows that's the truth. He's never told anyone about his thing with Sam.

"What?" Sam questions looking thrown by Bucky's words.

"I'd never tell anyone, you don't have to worry," Bucky assures him.

Sam doesn't look very reassured, quite the opposite actually.

"No, that's not — alright, we're circling back to that. I meant that you think I'd be settling if I dated you?" Sam clarifies.

Bucky pauses. He did say that but he's not really sure what the problem is. The statement is completely factual.

"Sarah told you I said that?" he asks anyway.

"Yeah," Sam confirms, "You don't really believe that, do you?" 

Bucky is officially stumped. Of course, he believes it and he's not really sure why Sam seems so bothered by it. He thought they were on the same page.

"Of course, I do. You shouldn't be with me, Sam - not like for real. I mean, I really like this. The sex, I mean, and I get why you wanna keep it a secret," Bucky explains but Sam abruptly cuts him off.

"I never said it was a secret." 

Bucky tensely swallows.

"Okay but I get why'd you want to," Bucky says.

Sam almost looks angry now which Bucky really isn't expecting.

"I'm not ashamed of you, Buck. We started hooking up and neither of us put a label to it but I wasn't hiding you. I told Rhodey."

Bucky shakes his head, completely stunned by this revelation.

"Why?"

Sam almost laughs but he's still not happy, his expression is one of pure disbelief.

"Because he's my friend and I needed to tell someone I was catching feelings," Sam says.

"For who?"

Sam sighs.

"You, Buck. The guy I'm sleeping with."

Bucky's eyes widen and then dart away. He tries to digest this, really attempts to think back to every moment he fully believed he was merely a well-kept secret in Sam's life. And he was grateful to be hidden away.

Nope, it's not processing.

"Are you sure the sex isn't just good?" Bucky checks. Maybe Sam's mind is fuzzy, he contemplates.

"Oh the sex is great, but I'm also sure I actually like you," Sam confirms.

Bucky's eyes widen impossibly more.

"That's wild," Bucky hears himself whisper.

Sam huffs out a laugh like Bucky's being ridiculous. Then somehow the truth just slips out of him with his next breath.

"Because I'm in love with you."

Sam stills, clearly not expecting the confession but his expression soon softens into something indescribable. He cups Bucky's face and draws him closer.

"Now that's a secret worth spilling," Sam hums.

Bucky's brows furrow together, he's not sure if that means that Sam also...

Sam leans in and kisses him interrupting his thoughts. Bucky almost begins to tell himself this is enough, this is fine—

"I love you too," Sam returns.

Oh, thank god.