John Sherman Look at Yourself
John Sherman Look at Yourself
John Sherman Look at Yourself
Look at yourself
john sherman
look at yourself
© 2010 John Sherman. Some rights reserved.
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To Gangaji.
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Acknowledgments
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T o look at yourself just once, and then again, and then
again… is to move from the endless work of self-definition
to the endless adventure of self-discovery.
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Look At Yourself
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Contents
Index 207
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Meeting 1
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Look At Yourself
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Meeting 1 - November 2, 2007 - Evening
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Look At Yourself
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Meeting 1 - November 2, 2007 - Evening
which we see everything. But it’s not true, it really isn’t. And
this is not new, either. This is old stuff, this is what the gurus, the
teachers, the practitioners and the avatars have been telling us
from the very beginning, “You are not what you think you are,
and that’s the problem.”
Some of them have told us how we can fix this problem: you
can become something different, you can transform your mind,
and you can transcend the pettiness and the smallness of your life.
You can do this practice and get these experiences of peace, and
these onrushing experiences of clarity and satisfaction. You can
do these practices for the next ten lifetimes, hundred lifetimes,
thousand lifetimes, and eventually obtain liberation, moksha,
or freedom. And, so far as we can tell, the more we read about
it, this freedom is the end of the mind: no thought, no life, no
nothing. Just nothing.
For thousands of years, we have tried to rid ourselves of all
false belief about what we are, about our relationship with god,
about our relationship with each other, about the truth of things,
the reality of things. We have tried to do this by reading, by
listening to those who can speak about these things, by trying to
understand, by studying, by meditating, by practicing, by trying
to get a deeper understanding, a deeper conviction of what I am:
I know what I am, I am Consciousness, I am Awareness, I am the
Totality. And we try, and we try, and no matter how hard we try,
here we are, still trying — six thousand years, seven thousand
years of trying. A few, we are told, break out here and there, like
sparks in a dark sky. A few, we are told, break free of the trap of
human existence, and those few, we are told, have passed on to
us the methods whereby we can follow them out of this trap.
But we have been following them for… how long? Six thousand
years? Seven thousand years? And still, just a few, we are told,
break loose, here and there. If it is true that we suffer from a
false belief about what we are, then it should also, obviously,
indisputably, be true that the only solution for that is the truth.
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Meeting 1 - November 2, 2007 - Evening
that stuff is beside the point, just beside the point — not bad, or
good, just beside the point. Just look for yourself. Look for the
seer. Just decline for a moment to look at the seen, and look at
the seer. Look for it.
Or, consider what I have said about the fact that you are always
here, that you are never absent. You have never been absent, not
for a heartbeat. Other things are present, then absent, present,
absent… Some of them stay longer, some of them stay for a shorter
time, but you are stuck with it all. You are never gone, you are
never absent, you never get to take a break, you are always here.
There is no place for you to go, because you are all there is, and
you are always here.
Therefore, you are ordinary. You are absolutely ordinary.
You are ordinary beyond all possible understanding of the word
ordinary. You are what you see all the time. There is never a
time when you are not. You are ordinary. You are here. You are
never absent. You have never been changed. You have never been
touched. You have never been hurt or helped by anything that
happens in your life. You are the same.
How hard is it, then, to try to find something underneath,
or between, or within, or above this whole phantasmagoria of
display, circumstance, and phenomena? How hard is it to look
between the cracks to find something that never moves, that is
always the same? It is a cliché to say, “I am the same now as when
I was three years old.” It is a cliché to speak about looking in the
mirror and seeing this old geezer and saying, “Whoa, what is this?
That’s not me! Who is that?” That is a cliché because it points to
something that we know, which is that we have never changed.
So, look for that. Look for something that is permanent. If you
find something, and it was not here a minute ago and now it is
here, you can be sure that in the next minute it will be gone again.
It is not permanent. Look for what is permanent. Look for what
doesn’t change. Look for what is always here. Look for the seer, or
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look for what is permanent, or look for yourself, or look for what
feels like you, that which feels like the certainty that you are.
You are, right? Can anybody actually dispute the fact that they
exist? I mean, apart from spiritual mumbo-jumbo, you are here.
You exist. You are. This is absolutely certain. In fact, it is the only
thing that is absolutely certain. Everything else is conditional.
One day it looks like this, next day it looks like that. What I liked
yesterday, I don’t like today. But the certainty that you exist is
conditioned on nothing. Nothing gives rise to it except you, your
presence. So look for that. Consider. Reflect. Ask yourself, Is there
any doubt in my mind that I exist? What makes me so sure that
I exist? Look and see.
Here’s what I tell you, from my heart, from my own experience
— having nothing to gain from telling you this other than to have
you consider the possibility that there is some truth to it — that
if you will, by whatever means necessary, whether it is by looking
to see if you are here, or looking for the seer, or looking for the
thing that is permanent, or looking for the certainty that you
exist, if you will do this, or your own version of this, eventually
you will get to the well. In the end, what you have to bring to
bear here is your own natural intelligence and common sense.
Once you get a sense of what it is you are looking for, that natural
intelligence and common sense kicks in, and, although you may
bang against a wall here, bang against a wall there, eventually
you will get to the well.
Don’t discard, disregard, or throw away any of the other things
you are doing in your life (your education, your therapy, your
physical therapy, your spiritual practices, your job), but just do
this as often as it occurs to you to do so: just turn your attention
backwards, determined to see yourself, for yourself, directly,
without understanding or mediation, just for a second. If you
will do this, over time, in ways that you won’t even recognize,
this false belief that you are your life alone will vanish. It will go
away, and with it will go the internal warfare and this constant
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I’m aware that what I really want is the fight, the war inside to
be over, and I’ve experienced times when it was just gone.
I see now that I can’t have ideas about how it’s going to unfold
or look. But I still have a fight with that…
But you see, you can have ideas about how it should look and
how it should go, because, well, can you stop having ideas?
No.
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Of course, you can’t. And the idea that you can’t have these
ideas is just more fuel for this internal warfare, right?
That’s right.
The times when it feels like that’s the case, I don’t feel like I
did anything for it to be apparent, for me to be aware of it. There
were times when the time/space/mind…
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Meeting 1 - November 2, 2007 - Evening
Yes, of course. But see, you can look out there, and still look
at yourself. It’s so common for us to say, “I’m still looking out
there,” or “I don’t quite have it yet,” which means that I’m not
quite ready yet. But that’s just a lie, that’s all predicated on the
belief that you are this life, and that just has nothing to do with
you. Don’t worry about it when you are looking out there. Just
when it occurs to you, stop for a second and see if you cannot
just look at yourself. Not in order to end the war here, but just
to see the truth. Not in order to gain clarity, peacefulness and
openheartedness, but just to see the truth. And then again, and
again, and see what happens. I can’t take from you all those other
practices.
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guide you. You will resist it. If we could follow this natural
intelligence, if we could only just relax and let it have its way
with us, everything would be okay, but we fight and resist…
But that’s okay, too.
I feel that what you are talking about is just sort of a flow, and
yet, there is still a fight. I feel like I am more and more in touch with
that flow, and yet there is still such a strong fight. It’s experienced
as just extreme adrenaline inside, even though my mind may be
quiet, there is a physical energy…
And that is directly resulting from this idea that you are this
life alone. And there is no way you can be talked out of that idea.
The only thing that will rid you of that idea is the truth, taken
generously, and as often as you can. Well, of course, you know
what it feels like, because you are the flow. I mean, it is not like the
flow suddenly starts when you become enlightened, or whatever
it is that you imagine is going to happen. The flow is flowing all
the time, all the time. And you know, it doesn’t matter whether
we fight it or don’t fight it, it’s still flowing all the time.
That’s right, but that idea isn’t the problem, and it is so hard
to see that. That idea is not the problem, that idea is a symptom.
That idea arises from the conviction that I am this life and nothing
else, and therefore, I’d better get things right in this life.
Yes, and it’s okay. It’s not the problem. We are always trying
to solve the wrong problems; we are actually trying to solve the
symptoms instead of the problem. The problem is the lie. The
solution is the truth. And the wondrous thing about this teaching
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Meeting 1 - November 2, 2007 - Evening
that really differentiates it from about anything else is the fact that
it is verifiable. If what I am saying is not true, all you have to do
to find out that it is not true is to see if you can’t see yourself.
Okay.
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It is so easy to get tripped up, day in, day out. It is such a subtle
practice, the things you are talking about, and it seems so rare that
people practice it to fruition. So, it does seem hard…
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would expect from those who have lost the belief that they are
nothing but their lives.
So, I don’t think it is true. I think it has been true in the
past, but I think that is because in the past we have always been
stuck on these kind of half-stepping methods and practices —
practices that quiet the mind, or bring intimations of reality by
the triggering of samadhi states, practices of devotion, and other
kinds of intellectual practices — none of which have done us the
slightest bit of good. That’s why our perception is that it is very
rare, because it has been very rare. You know, we hear things such
as, “Oh, that guy, who was it, Padmasambhava? He got it, right?”
So we hear these stories, but they are few and far between. But I
tell you that reality is so intimate, so inescapable, that once you
start, you are pretty much doomed to go to the end.
And it seems hard, but really, for whom? What is hard about
it? You are here, right? How could that be hard? It seems hard,
but it’s not; it only seems hard — until it doesn’t. Because the
truth of the matter is, what you are trying to see, you are always
already seeing. That’s the truth of the matter. Now, I know that
trying to see it can seem hard, but I tell you it is not.
I want to know that and feel that, and I still don’t agree with
you. I want to agree with you…
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resolve these conflicts, look instead for the source of this opinion
that they are a problem. Look for who sees it all. If you look for
the seer, I swear, you will find the truth. You won’t find the seer,
but you will find the truth. It is exactly the direction that the
truth is to be found, that you are to be found.
It strikes me, as you speak, that the sense that it is hard is part
of the internal warfare.
Yes, that’s right. It is, and it’s not a problem, even the sense
that it is hard is not a problem, if you just do it. And this is a
wonderful opportunity we have here. This is the whole point of
a retreat like this. Well, it has a number of points to it, and it has
some things that I particularly like about it, but the main point
of the gathering together like this in retreat is to set aside this
time to try to investigate what is true, what is real, what doesn’t
change. This is your chance. And come back later, and argue with
me, after there is something really to argue about.
This is my first time being here with you in physical form. I saw
your picture and I didn’t want to come, and here I am… We are
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both wearing red, and that’s pretty much the only reason I wanted
to ask you a question. Why did you wear red tonight?
Why did I wear red? Because I was looking for a shirt to wear,
and it was the only one that wasn’t dirty, and might, you know,
be kind of attractive…(laughter)
Me, too.
Yeah, I can see that, and I love the fact that you have Ramana’s
picture here. Why do you have Ramana’s picture here?
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You are very welcome. Thank you for being here. Okay, that’s
it, no more. We’ve got to call an end to this meeting. People are
tired, I know that. We will meet together, you and I, eight more
times before we go. One of those times will be in a small group
meeting. We have lots of time. The most critical time is the time
that you spend away from here, when it is possible for you to try
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this by yourself, because you are in this on your own. Later, I will
tell you that is not true, but you are in this on your own. Here you
have the time to try this, because you know, there are no experts
in this field. There is nobody who can give you a seven-point,
step-by-step procedure that will lead you to the truth of what
you are and solve all your life’s problems, and make everything
right for you. But start tonight. When you go to bed, when you
go to sleep, just take a second, as you are falling asleep, to see if
you can find this presence that is never absent; just see if you can
see what it feels like, this presence that you know is you, just as
you are falling asleep. And then, in the morning, as you wake up,
if you are fortunate enough to have a second or two when you
are not quite sure what you are doing here, what you are about,
just rest in that for a second. See what you are, before you gather
together the thoughts about how the day is going to go, and what
you are going to do. Just see what you are. Look at yourself. All
the work is in the looking.
Enjoy yourself. Enjoy Ojai. Life is sweet. I am, again, grateful
for you being here. I am grateful for your attention and time, and
we are going to do good work here. Thank you.
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Meeting 2
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Meeting 2 - November 3, 2007 - Morning
get it, trying to get rid of it. The certainty of the death of the
body, the death of the person, is ever-present with us, and most
of these practices have to do with either reconciling ourselves to
that, or persuading ourselves that it is beside the point. The same
happens with all the rest of the issues that plague us as human
beings in these lives, and these bodies, and these minds. Most of
them, so far as I know, focus their efforts on the salvation of the
life, the salvation of the person, the redemption of the person,
the redemption of the life.
Ramana Maharshi comes to us with the simple suggestion
that the problem is this false belief, and the thing to do about
it is to look and see what you are, to resolve it once and for all,
directly, for yourself, without any regard to what anybody else
has to say about it. And this is the radical nature of the gift of
Ramana having appeared in this world.
Now, it is certainly true that Ramana was a human being,
that he wasn’t right about everything, and that he wasn’t perfectly
adept at transmitting, offering, or teaching the power of what he
had to offer us. He was a human being like me, like you, like all
of us. But to actually try to receive and try to see what it was that
Ramana presented to us is quite an adventure; and it is a surprise,
because he is not what he seems to be.
So, it is important for me to, at least, communicate to you
that, from my point of view, Ramana is not spiritual, and the
self-inquiry or atma vichara of Ramana, is something new in the
universe, because we have lost our way over these thousands of
years. We have sentenced ourselves to lives of endless seeking,
endlessly trying to get better, endlessly trying to get free, endlessly
trying to get this, to get rid of that, to be this, to not be that. All of
this with perfectly understandable and admirable intent behind
it, but really, we have lost our way.
The truth is that we are not what we believe ourselves to be.
We are not what we think we are, and if that problem is resolved,
all the other problems fall.
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Meeting 2 - November 3, 2007 - Morning
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Meeting 2 - November 3, 2007 - Morning
it proceeds, you will see that it gets easier, and the whole idea of
it being difficult begins to disintegrate. It gets easier and, in fact,
it is so wondrous a thing to be doing, that you will find yourself
wanting to do it all the time. This is what is meant when it is said
that the inquiry takes over, or that the guru within is calling you.
The guru within is you, and as you begin to look at yourself, it
will become clear to you that this is really pretty much all you
want to do. I mean, I want to do all of this other stuff, too, but
not if I can’t do this.
So, the purpose of this retreat (even if you have been doing
this for years) is, in your spare time, in your off time, as we are
sitting here, as you are listening to me, to begin to just take a
second every once in a while, and see if you can’t catch a glimpse
of this underlying, unchanging, ever-present reality. It’s ordinary;
it’s what you are seeing all the time. You are never not seeing it
but, to begin, whenever it occurs to you during this time together,
just look: I am here. I am.
And don’t concern yourself with spiritual understandings.
You don’t need to get rid of them, you don’t need to follow them,
and you don’t need to not follow them. Don’t concern yourself
with the nagging, niggling problems of your life, or your health,
or your livelihood. I mean, don’t concern yourself with the fact
that they are present. Don’t concern yourself with the fact that
you have to think about them, or that you do think about them.
Just don’t concern yourself with any of that stuff. You don’t have
to stop thinking about that stuff. You don’t have to stop trying
to do right. Just when you can, in the midst of all that trying to
do right, in the midst of all that trying to understand, just stop
for a second and look at yourself, let the light in. Just open the
door a little bit. Let the light in. The light cures it all. The light
fixes it all.
See for yourself. One of the main features of self-inquiry is
that you see for yourself. If there is any truth to it, you will see
it. If it is just another trip, you will see that, too. Trust yourself.
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The urgency and the idea that if I don’t get it, that drive…
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What I am seeing is that stuff is still going on; they are just
sort of patterns that are associated with all of this. And I see that
they are still happening, but it is just not the problem that it was
before…
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your real nature, in time, but they are not much use, they are not
much help. How do I go about not engaging in this horror that has
been causing me such distress and such discomfort for so long?
How do I do that? Well, you can’t do that. The engaging is part
of the process; it is part of the pattern itself. And the good news
is, you don’t have to disengage from anything. That happens on
its own accord, once the light of truth is let into the whole murky
darkness of this idea that I am trapped in this life.
It’s very surprising. Once you have been doing this for a
while, and especially if you have a deep spiritual background,
you get really surprised at the things that just kind of happen on
their own, and really don’t matter. I really don’t have to figure out
how to not engage in this neurosis, or I really don’t have to figure
out how not to be so concerned about the outcome of things, I
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really don’t have to do that. It’s okay if the “I” is taking credit for
reality, that’s okay. It doesn’t hurt you, it doesn’t touch you, it
doesn’t change you, and it doesn’t affect you. If you just continue
the inquiry, all these things will take care of themselves. This is
something Ramana said again, and again, and again, and it used
to really bother me. It seems like every time he was speaking
to somebody, he would finish up by saying, “For whom is this
problem?” or “Who are you?” or “Who sees this?” Then he would
say, “Just do it and everything will turn out all right.”
But that’s the truth, that’s what you are reporting. If you just
look at reality, everything takes care of itself, over time. These
lives are time-bound. It’s not like they can be corrected in one
fell swoop. Over time, all these things take care of themselves,
once you see that they are not doing anything anyway. This is
really good news.
For a long time, when you said “You are not your life,” it was
like there was a “Yeah, but…” But that just kind of disappeared.
Yes, you see that, too. That just happens. It is part of the
process. And, because you can say “sometimes this happens”,
you see that it happens. And then, it doesn’t happen. You don’t
know it’s going on when it’s going on, because it takes up all the
space. But then, when it’s over with, you say, “Oh!” And maybe
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you could say, “Good riddance!” Or maybe you could say, “God
be with you!” Whatever, right? But it doesn’t hurt you. Okay?
Thank you.
How can it be that this that has occupied my heart and soul
and every bit of intelligence that I can muster for all of these years
can turn out to be best left untouched? How can that turn out to
be? And, if I tell you that that’s what it turns out to be, if I tell you
you are not your life alone… Well, you already know you are not
your life. That rings true somewhere deep down in the dungeons
of wherever it rings true, but the response is, “Yes, but…” And
what that points out is not that you are wrong because you say,
“Yes, but…” That is not the point at all. The point is that the effort
to persuade you that you are not your life is a waste of time, and
the effort for you to try to take in the intellectual understanding
that you are not your life, that is a waste of time.
That is a consequence. That doesn’t give you anything,
except more things to chew on and worry about. The only thing
that does you any good is to look at yourself. That’s the only
thing that works in this realm. Other things work in other
realms, and god bless them. But in the realm of finally being
finished with the belief that there is something you have to
do, something you have to get, that there is something wrong,
something off, something that needs fixing, this is all that works.
This is it, there is nothing else: look at yourself.
Let the light do the work. You know, light disinfects. Sunlight
disinfects. The light of reality disinfects this kind of festering false
idea that I am my life, and that I am trapped here, and that I am
at stake here, and that I have got to do something or I am going to
go to hell, I am going to die, I am going to go to eternal torment.
I am in eternal torment. In this realm, this is all that works.
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Meeting 2 - November 3, 2007 - Morning
Am I tired!
Yeah!
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But still… The room is in you, not the other way around.
Yes, but you see, that is not you trying to make it complicated.
You have never tried to make anything complicated. That is just
this mechanical apparatus, this set of conditioned responses,
conditioned arisings, and spontaneous phenomena appearing,
and it has nothing to do with you. There is no need for you to stop
trying to make it complicated. That can only cause you misery
and suffering, because the fact is that you are not involved in
making it complicated. You are the container of it, that’s all. And
it doesn’t hurt you. The effort to make things complicated that
are simple doesn’t hurt you. When you remember, just check
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and see, ‘Am I here?’ That does all the work. And it doesn’t matter
whether the tendency to make things complicated stays or doesn’t
stay. It doesn’t change you. It doesn’t hurt you, and it doesn’t help
you. You are the same.
The point of that is not to get the fact that you are the same,
and the fact that you don’t do these things. The point of it is only
to look there, so that this light can come into this life, into this
mind, and finish the work of destroying this false idea that you
are this life. And then, the effort to complicate the simple may
continue, or it may not. What is that to you?
It does.
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This!
I see that.
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Today was about the best that I have heard you speak. It was
really good! It was really good!
When I first heard you, there was some little something that
I knew what you said was true. Then I thought, I better not jump
to conclusions… I better keep coming back. Thank you!
Oh, you are very welcome. It’s useful to come back. It really is.
It is useful to speak about these things together, to reflect on them
together. When you are by yourself, especially in the beginning
of the inquiry, especially in the first year or so of the inquiry, it
is really easy to fall back into the habit of taking seriously all the
thoughts, and all the ideas, and all the falseness, and to feel as
if you are trapped, even though the truth is that if you continue
the inquiry, all of that will go away.
But, if you have the chance, and we can get together again,
come back, and let’s look at it freshly. But if you think that you
can just believe this and go on about your business, then I am not
doing my job. There is nothing to believe in this. It is a great gift
to me that people sometimes really hear that what I am saying is
true, and then come back to wrestle with it, and figure it out, and
so forth. But if you think that just believing this is true is going
to rid you of this falseness that has prevailed for thousands of
years, then you are probably on the wrong track. So, come back.
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Keep up the inquiry. If you can’t come back, keep up the inquiry.
Even if you think you are doing it wrong, keep up the inquiry,
because, in the end, you can’t do it wrong. As long as what you
are about is trying to see the truth of what you are, you can’t do
it wrong. There might be some more skillful ways to do it, and
some less skillful ways to do it, but you can’t do it wrong. So, if
you can’t come back, keep up the inquiry. And if you can come
back, come back, and keep up the inquiry. I love you, I really do.
You are quite a gift. Thank you.
Thank you.
I just wanted to talk a little bit about doing the inquiry, and
sticking with it. Thoughts have been out of control today, and I
have seen that. Sometimes I feel like I am really resting and doing
what I would want to be doing, and that feels right, and it feels
permanent, it doesn’t seem to change. I just wanted to check in
with you today.
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So, the point of the inquiry is not to come to the point where
you are constantly resting in quietude and equanimity, and so
forth. The point of the inquiry is only to look at you. That’s all.
You are never absent from this equanimity. There is never a
moment when it is missing, even during the darkest times of
your life, even during the times in your life when everything
was hopeless, and you hated the world, and you hated yourself,
and you hated your stupidity. Even then, you were resting in this
reality. You never leave it.
So, what happens in this inquiry is that we do find these states.
They are states because what you have found may be permanent,
but your relationship to it is new. And it is the relationship to it
that is impermanent, this state of resting in it. So, we get these
states where we are resting in a kind of dispassion, equanimity,
and sweetness, and all of that, and we think that is what we are
after; we think that what we are going to get in the end is to make
that kind of state permanent. But that is not the case; it is just not
the case. That is what we are, already. We are already resting in
that state, always; we are resting in reality, always. The activities
of the mind are beside the point.
The activities of the mind may prevent you from doing the
inquiry for some finite period of time, but, like everything else,
that comes and goes. That comes, and then it goes, and you can
return to the inquiry. But the inquiry is not in order to bring
you to some new state of being that is a permanent state of peace
and equanimity, because that is already the case. No matter the
appearance, that is already the case. The point of the inquiry
is to destroy the false belief that you are subject to the state of
resting in being or the state of being captured by thoughts and
their ugliness. Do you follow that?
I do.
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Look At Yourself
Yes, right, and that’s okay. The problem is not that. The
predispositions of every individual are completely different, so
that the difficulties that arise during the course of the inquiry
are unpredictable. In some cases, the underlying characteristics
of the difficulties are predictable, but the way they manifest is
unpredictable. So, that’s not a problem; the fact that you take
the placebo is not a problem. Just, whenever you can, take the
medicine. And you don’t do that by concerning yourself with
ridding yourself of the inclination to take the placebo; you do
that simply by taking the medicine, every time the opportunity
presents itself and you really can see that there is this chance for
you to just get a glimpse of yourself. Just do it, because that does
the work. Not the doing away with wanting to take the placebo,
not doing away with any of that stuff, not doing away with resting
in being. It is the looking that does the work, over time. Okay?
Thank you.
Is that helpful?
Big time!
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Meeting 2 - November 3, 2007 - Morning
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Meeting 3
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Meeting 3 - November 3, 2007 - Afternoon
not what the inquiry is for. The goal of the inquiry is to look at
yourself, that’s all.
Now, the reason we undertake the inquiry is to rid ourselves
of this lie that we are something — life, mind, consciousness,
god, love, hatred, anything. It is to rid ourselves of all beliefs
about what we are, so that we don’t rely on belief anymore, and
we know firsthand, without mediation, without the need to
understand or explain, the reality of what I am. That is the reason
we undertake it.
But the goal of the actual work is just to look at yourself.
That’s all, just to look at yourself. The eradication of the lie has its
own consequences in your life, which no one can predict. With
the people that I have been with all these years, and in my own
experience, and Carla’s experience, although it is impossible to
predict what the outcome of losing these beliefs will be in detail,
the outcome seems always to be better than it was before: an
improvement in the life, which is actually quite strange, and
there really is no reason why that should be so. But it does seem
to be so. I am going to talk about that some more, a little bit later
in the retreat.
The goal of the inquiry is to look at yourself. Now, there is
no way to tell you how to look at yourself. I mean, as I have said
already several times during this retreat, I can try to trick you into
seeing yourself, and I can try to talk you into looking at yourself,
and I can share with you my own experiences in this regard, but
there is no road map, there is no way anybody can tell you how
to look at yourself. Even to say it, reveals the absurdity of the
proposition that I can tell you how to look for you. Because here
you are, there is nothing anywhere to be found but you.
What I can tell you is that once the investigation, the inquiry,
the seeking is undertaken, once it is taken in by you as something
you want to do, it teaches itself. Once you start trying, it teaches
itself.
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Look At Yourself
So, what I want to do is get you doing the inquiry, and that’s
all. That is all I want. All I want to come out of this entire retreat
is that everybody in this room leaves this retreat doing the
inquiry, according to their own predispositions, just according
to what they are, and how their particular personality plays out.
I don’t want you to be enlightened, you can’t get enlightened.
Enlightenment is not on the table here. Realization is not on
the table, awakening is not on the table. That is inaccessible to
you. That is not possible for you. That is a fool’s game. It is what
gets us hooked up. And it takes us nowhere except here, to the
question, Who? or What?
So, I am done — by which I mean, do you have anything you
want to say to me?
Yes? It seems like it has been a long time since I have seen
you.
But I needed to be here. I have missed you, even though you are
always with me. Since I did those two series of five-week meetings
with you, something has really changed. My life is exactly the same
life, but the eyes I am looking through are not the same eyes. And
it was really funny, because all you ever said during those small
group meetings was, “Every time you think of it, just turn your
attention inward to look at you.” And what I am seeing now is that
it is not about finding. It is a simple living with that, frequently
turning attention inward. That is so hard to put into words. There is
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Meeting 3 - November 3, 2007 - Afternoon
something that loves being looked at, something that really responds
to being looked at, and is so happy that it is being looked at, that it
just feels like it bestows something so generous. And I may sound
vague, but I don’t know how to put words to it.
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Look At Yourself
Isn’t that a surprise? You would never expect that from the
spiritual teachings, would you?
No.
That’s right.
Yes, it is.
Yes, of course it is. The only entity which can express humility
or pride is this inert life itself, this thought ‘I’. And certainly it is
humbling to the sense of me as ‘I’ that it all exists in me, including
‘I’. It all is you.
It is critical to see directly for yourself that you are not
your life — you are not the mind, the thoughts, the desires, the
consciousness, the hopes and aspirations,. You are not your
history; you are not your future. It is critical to see that. And
this is the sword that self-inquiry is, the sword that you wield by
looking at yourself, because the truth is that it is all you. There
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Meeting 3 - November 3, 2007 - Afternoon
Tune-ups are really good. And you know when you came
in last night, and you just glanced in my direction briefly, and I
looked back, it was like, “Where is John?” What I was looking at
was so vast. I don’t even know why, but I couldn’t stop the tears
from streaming down my face.
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Thank you.
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Meeting 3 - November 3, 2007 - Afternoon
yourself of the false belief about what you are is real, and it is not
some airy-fairy spiritual thing. It is very real. It is very practical,
extremely practical. The goal of all the spiritual aspiring in our
entire history is in your hand. All of the wonder of the Buddha,
the realized ones, the enlightened ones, and the sutras and the
shastras, and everything that has been written about reality, is
written about you; and you can see for yourself where all that
came from. It is in your hands. You don’t have to do anything
to get qualified for this. You don’t have to be initiated. You don’t
have to be given any special teaching, any special transmission. It
is you. It is all about you. The whole history of spiritual aspiration
is about you. I want you to see that. I want you to see that it is
not for the Buddha, or for Sankara, or for Ramana Maharshi. It
is you. It is about you. And I want you to see that the only thing
that makes it seem that life is so miserable and so horrifying is
the belief that the life is you, that all there is to you is this life.
That belief can be wiped out by you. Not by me, by you.
So, my experiences aren’t really all that useful. If I tell you
my experience, sitting, trying to kill off ego, trying to do this,
trying to do the other thing, I fear that you may try these things
on your own, and they are really not suited. Don’t try this at
home. (laughter)
And if I tell you some of the magnificent, blissful, paradisiacal
experiences that were inflicted upon me prior to being tossed into
hell, where I actually needed to find the truth, that isn’t going
to do you any good anyway, because if you haven’t had those
experiences, sure to god you will want them. And if you have had
them, sure to god you will want them back.
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Well, they don’t, really. That is not true; they don’t create
anything, really. They are themselves the outcome of suffering,
and past action, and all of the circumstances in which they
appear. They are reactions and responses, they are not creators.
They are in fact inert, and can’t do anything. Let me start with
the beginning of what you said.
The goal is not to reveal who you are. You said in the beginning
of this, “more and more who I am is revealed.” The goal is not to
reveal who you are. This is really hard to hear. The truth is that
there has never been a moment in this entire life when you have
not been seeing the reality of your nature. That is not really new.
So, the report that “more is revealed of the truth of what I am”
comes from just a story. That is not the goal. The goal is just to
look at yourself, that’s all.
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over time, and the end of all misery and suffering in this life, the
snuffing out of the anxiety and fearfulness. They come from this
unseen conviction that I am at stake here. Then you will see that
those thoughts aren’t what you think they are. And your badness
is not what you think it is. And in the absence of this hostility,
aggression, and internal warfare, even the thoughts get sweeter.
If you are not vigilant doing this inquiry, it is easy to fall back
in the void.
Right.
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Meeting 3 - November 3, 2007 - Afternoon
Probably.
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Yes.
Thank you for sharing just now some of the practical aspects.
I just really had a great desire to look into your eyes. That is why
I wanted to come and sit here next to you.
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Meeting 3 - November 3, 2007 - Afternoon
It seems like you have become such a clear mirror, more so every
time I see you. So that it is not like staring into somebody’s eyes,
but it’s like a mirror. You are so clear, we can see ourselves. It could
feel like a transmission, but that is what it seems like to me.
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What about when Gangaji looked at you, and you had the
experience? I’ve had a lot of spiritual experiences in the past, one of
which is what you are talking about. I’ve had many other types of
experiences along the way, but I have never lost that identification
with my “I” thoroughly. I had a spiritual teacher who gave me
many spiritual experiences like Gangaji gave you, where they look
at you, and you are just there. For ten years after that I could feel
this vibration, there was a detachment, there was bliss, but there
still was identification with myself. How did the experiences you
had with Gangaji fit into all this? I would love to hear more exactly
what you did, because all I know about you is up until you met
Gangaji, and that she looked at you, and you fell in love with her,
and who she was…
Oh, I fell in love with her. Let’s not pretty it up. Don’t
spiritualize it. I mean, I did enough spiritualizing of it myself
during that period, all right? (laughter)
It is a curse.
I have prayed to never leave, because when you see those things,
you never want to leave. Do you know what I mean?
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Meeting 3 - November 3, 2007 - Afternoon
Yes, and they come and go. That is what I mean by that.
The wisdom, and detachment, and dispassion, and the clear
seeing, along with the excitement and the ecstatic out of body
experiences, they all come and go, and leave us bereft in their
absence. And it is that aspect of it that I speak of as being like
an adolescent love affair. It is so exciting. It is so wondrous. It
is such a kiss from the universe. But it doesn’t stay.
And you feel like you should be in that all the time.
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When you are an adolescent, and you fall in love for the first
time, there is nothing but that. There is no possibility of being
talked to about it; there is no possibility of any kind of rational
consideration or reflection. It is the whole universe, and it has
taken you totally, without your will. And it is the same with
these wondrous breakings open of consciousness that produce
the enlightenment experience, the realization experience, the
awakening experience, whatever name you want to put to it.
But, like the first love, it is doomed to leave, no matter how long
it takes, no matter what circumstances have to be present, it will
go. It is not what you are looking for. It is not. Now, with me and
Gangaji, I am sure that my experiences were the same as yours.
I wrote to her every day, and twice a day sometimes. And she
wrote back to me pretty much every day. And I spoke to her of my
experiences, like my experiences of the stones singing silent arias
of being… Really, that was my experience. It was as if those cold
stones were singing to me silent songs, arias of being. And I knew,
throughout all of that time, that I had gotten it, that Gangaji had
given it to me, that she had bestowed upon me the goal of the ages.
She had bestowed upon me enlightenment, realization. I knew
that. And men in the prison started coming to me for advice, and
I guess, transmission, which I was happy to grant. (laughter) But,
throughout it all, if I had reflected upon it, I would have seen that
something stank, which was easily seen by how important it was
to me, how energetically I would get together a letter to write to
Gangaji, how breathlessly I waited for her response. How proud
I was of the way in which she had fallen in love with me. I was
her pet. I was the proof of her realization.
Of course, when caught up in an adolescent love affair,
reflection is not on the table, but if I had reflected upon it, I would
have seen that there was something not right there, that it was too
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See? This is what I mean when I say that telling you these
experiences doesn’t really give you much help, because I was really
dumb. But the fever broke, the whole feverish insanity broke
in that moment. And the possibility arose, finally, of actually
performing the inquiry, of actually beginning to look for the
reality of what I am, of actually beginning to hear from Ramana
a different instruction.
Ramana, toward the end of his life, had cancer on his elbow,
and that is what killed him. And I guess he was going to the
doctors during the last days of his life. He was very sick and very
near the end. He came from a visit to the doctors, and he spoke to
the people who I guess were in the hall where he met with them,
and they asked him, “What did the doctor say? Are you going to
be okay? What is happening?” And Ramana said, “Well, they tell
me I am going, but where would I go? I am here.”
That got me, because it felt like what he was saying was that
this person, this personality would survive physical death, which
is so unspiritual, so not in keeping with the advanced non-dual
understanding that we all have and are so proud of. It stopped
me, and I reflected on that, and, finally, it occurred to me that
he wasn’t saying that at all. He was merely saying the literal
truth, that here is another name for me, that here is what I am.
It is not that “I”, a being, am here, at some location, but I AM
HERE. And then I saw that I am here. Yes, that’s right. Here I
am. If I want to find myself, I can just as easily look for here,
look for what here is.
What is it to be here? What does that feel like? How do I know
I am here? How can I be so certain? But I am here, I am here.
Not here in this room, but here. And the rest, as they say, brings
me to you. Which is why most commonly I ask people, Is it not
true that you are here? Just look and see if that is not true. Now
look at that again. And keep looking at that as often as you can.
Because I can tell you, from my own experience, whatever brings
you to see the reality of what you are, this seeing of the reality of
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Meeting 3 - November 3, 2007 - Afternoon
what you are will destroy all the false beliefs about what you are,
because truth is the only thing that can destroy the lie. And it is
the seeing of this that does it, it truly is. It is the opening of the
window for the light to come in, because it is the light that fixes
it. And it is the looking that brings the light.
It took me untold time and agony to get there. I really advise
you not to go through the same. It is really not necessary. It is
not necessary to have spiritual experiences, it really isn’t. It is not
necessary to get rid of spiritual experiences. It is not necessary
to go to hell. It is not necessary to not go to hell. No matter what
seems to be occurring, no matter what is taking your attention
within your consciousness, you are the same. You are this silent,
shining, unchanging, eternal presence that is the source, the
ground, and the container of it all, the space in which all of it
comes and goes. And you already know that. The trouble with
instructing in the practice of looking at yourself is that what
I am trying to get you to do is try to see what you are always
already seeing.
I feel like I am going back in time now. When you talk about
inquiry being the goal, and the only goal…
The looking is the goal. The goal of the practice is the looking.
Because if you assign some other goal to it, like getting to be
peaceful, or filled with equanimity, or happy, the only way you
can tell whether that goal is being reached is by looking in this
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Even if you are doing it wrong. Because you will find out how to
do it right. I promise. You already are fine, I know you.
I like the way you don’t use the word “spiritual”, because it
is something that has always kind of bothered me. I cringe when
I say it, and sometimes I want to describe these meetings to my
friends, because everyone should come, at least once to see, and
I don’t even know how to talk about it. I just have no idea. And
they don’t like the word “spiritual” either.
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Meeting 4
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Meeting 4 - November 4, 2007 - Morning
Is there any proof that the root cause of misery and suffering
is misidentification, other than your own experience?
You must find this out for yourself. The proof is the vanishing
of misery and suffering, as a result of the inquiry. The proof is in
the reports of those who have tried it and who report the same
thing, again and again, about the surprising easing off of the whole
dramatic entanglement with the events of the life. There are a lot
of reports about that. But that is not proof, really. The fact that I
say it, or that some of these people who have done it say it, is not
proof. The only proof you can have is by doing it. Now, the good
news about this is that this isn’t something like taking the Kool-
Aid, where you are making some terrible, dangerous step. This is
asking you only to look to see what you are, so there is nothing
lost if it turns out to be false, you see? But the only proof is in the
pudding, it is in the doing, it is to see whether this works. And
the only way you can know that is by doing it.
When you talk about the false belief… Are not all beliefs false?
Yes, they are. That is why I most often now say all beliefs about
what you are. This destroys all beliefs about what you are.
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Meeting 4 - November 4, 2007 - Morning
That’s okay, too. But just at the moment of doing the actual
act, in order to get rid of all that stuff, what you have to do is
just be trying to look, trying to see that which is real. If you pull
into the inquiry all of the misery and suffering in your life that
has brought you to the inquiry in the first place, it diffuses the
strength of your concentration and your attention. You are just
trying to look, in that moment.
You are never not experiencing what you are, but yes…
That’s true. But there is a great difference when you really fully
experience that everything is the same, that there is no difference,
there is just one energy thing and you say, “Wow! All right!” And
then it fades, and then you are back… And I am in a place currently
where I am reeling, and judging, Wow! How do I snap out of this?
I am really off! So I am grasping, I am trying to figure out what
happened. Oh, yeah, I didn’t keep up my practices, and so I have
got to go back to that… And it just so happens that even when I
am looking now at “What am I?” that stuff is still behind, so I am
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not quieting down yet. So what I am hearing you say is, “Well, this
is the way, if you do this…”
I realize that I had that concept, and that every time I am off,
I feel like, What happened?
I like the idea of the clouds being thoughts, and then either you
look and you identify with them, and then you are lost, so that you
always have to be fully present. And the practices, like meditation,
the things that I do, help me stay focused…
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So, are you saying those practices are great, don’t let them go,
and keep up the self-inquiry? Is this a lifelong thing?
The inquiry? It already has been for you, you just don’t know it.
So, when you say “It takes time”, what are you really saying?
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That’s right, that is all it is. And what makes something that
is so easy seem so hard is that what you are trying to do is trying
to see what you have always already been seeing.
Well, that’s what I have been doing the last 24 hours, because
I really haven’t done that before. And I am just saying, “Okay, I
know that.” And then what comes to me is that it is just so subtle,
it is like noticing that now I am consciously looking… That’s right.
And then I say, “Oh, all right, so you are just addicted to drama and
fear, and they are just little addictions,” and then I get caught.
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Those are insights, and insights will come. But those insights
don’t fix the problem.
That’s right. The problem is the false belief, and the only thing
that does away with that is looking at reality, repeatedly, over
time. Your insight and your diagnosis of what is going on in your
mind are probably accurate, but nothing we have ever tried to do
to make the mind sweet and clear of neurotic impulses has ever
worked. So, what this does is just remove the suffering from it.
It doesn’t mean that the neurotic impulses are going to go away.
These things are conditioned behaviors that have appeared over
a long period of time in response to many circumstances. And
once this engine of warfare, which is the belief that I am my life
and I am at stake here, once that engine is gone, these negative,
neurotic impulses will, over time, relax.
I have been there a long time. And now I am back, and what I
want to say is that there is a part of me that is tired of this. It is just
this loop, you know? And then the only response I have to myself
is, “Well, you never kept it up consistently, there were breaks, and
you fell through the cracks.” But now I am back. I am going to keep
it up consistently. I am kind of tired, you know?
And this is where you come when you are tired. You come to
the end of the road. I promise you, if you undertake this inquiry
seriously, with commitment to it, everything will be taken care
of, everything will work out. And if you do it, you can find out
for yourself whether I am lying or not.
Well, I know what you are saying is true, because I have been
there. And so the only reason I am talking like this is because I
am in that state…
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such a claim, you should throw me out of this room. No one can
tell you what such and such a set of circumstances would produce,
and what kind of a response it would produce.
Actually, this is a good time to move into the rest of what I
want to talk about today. Let me tell you for a minute just how
I see things, what John Sherman looks like to me, what this life
looks like to me.
Everything I see, everything without exception, every
experience — every tactile experience, every olfactory experience,
every visual and auditory experience, every thought, every
emotional arising, every body sensation — that is all John, all of
it. You, here in my consciousness right now, that is John. This is
all me, which is, of course, exactly the way you see it from your
point of view, although it may not be apparent to you that you see
it that way. Every circumstance that comes to me is John. Every
bill that cries out to be paid is John, everything I see is John,
so that the nature of John is constantly in flux, it is shrinking,
expanding, shifting, changing. It won’t hold still, actually. There
is neither rhyme nor reason to it.
As we sit here in this room together, it is as stable as ever. It is
never any more stable than it is during the time that we are spending
in this room together. We are all in the same place, things are not
moving around too much, the context that we are appearing in is
kind of set and stable, and John is kind of stable.
But when I leave this room, John becomes something wholly
different, he becomes the totality of the perceptions, and the
relationships, and the interactions that will affect me then, as I
walk out the door: the sunlight, the heat, the traffic, the car, the
sound of the engine, and so forth. This is all John. This miraculous
marriage, that is John.
But John is always changing, always shifting. And sometimes,
there are times when problems and hardships become part of
John. Payroll taxes that I don’t have the money to pay, past due
personal taxes that I don’t have the money to pay. The rent is due
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to whatever came, even if I did murder the guy. All of it, every
bit of it, every second of it, every nanosecond of it, every breath,
every heart beat of it is absolutely delightful.
We are so unbelievably lucky to be born human. We can’t
conceive or comprehend the great good luck of being born human,
until we rid ourselves of the idea that we are human. I don’t
know, no one can know. But, maybe uniquely, we are conscious
of ourselves as conscious entities. It is a miracle. We have the
capacity to engage in this drama of life, this magnificent play
of life, fully, without holding back, without resistance. We see
things, we hear things, we smell things, we touch things, and we
know we do. We have the constant movement and sensation in
the body as it does what it does, as it functions, as it breathes, as
it pumps blood, as it digests food, as it has pain, as it has relief
from pain, as it has pleasure. We are endlessly conscious of the
body, and it is like a magic shop of experience and wonder. And
it is all John, every bit of it.
Now, I have looked, and you can look for yourself; see whether
there is any possibility of finding a boundary, a place where your
mind is not. See if there is any possibility whatsoever of finding
a boundary that shapes your mind: this is my mind, and the rest
of it is outside. There is no boundary to your mind; there is no
place where your mind is not. There is no distance between you
and me, although there is separation between you and me, and
that separation is the greatest gift of all.
When we become involved in spiritual practices and spiritual
ideas, we come to the idea that all is one and separation is bad.
But that is childish. All is one, and separation is part of it. And
without separation, we would not have this capacity to speak to
each other. You are me, you are absolutely the same as me. And
yet, I can speak to you, and look at you, and listen to you, because
of the gift of the sense of separation.
Being born human, it is just incomprehensible that such
a thing could be. It is already incomprehensible that anything
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could be in the first place. How can this be? How can it come
about that there are people, and planets, and stars, and floors and
ceilings, and flowers and rocks, and dirt? And, then, compounding
the incomprehensible miracle of being itself, of existence itself,
is this wonder of being human, of being in a human body, of
being incarnate in a human mind, with all of the senses, and
the reactions, and the responses, and the sensations and the
relationships. This is unbelievable.
And, as a result of the long term mistake that we have made,
the mistake that has been going on for thousands of years in
human beings, we have come to believe that we are just this body,
just this memory, this history, these thoughts, these sensations,
these fears, these pains, these disappointments, these successes,
these triumphs. And we seek, therefore, fearfully, to protect
ourselves, to protect our view of things, to protect our bodies,
to protect our relationships, and what we have. We want to hold
our circumstance. We are fighting every moment, every breath,
to protect, to hold, to be small, to be limited, to not suffer pain,
to not be confronted with hardship, to not have wrong thoughts,
or neurotic patterns of behavior. “I can’t have that, I’ve got to do
something about that.” And it is unnecessary, really.
You are everything, you are all of it, and for me, in this life,
this is all John. And I am so flooded with… I can’t think of a
word… I’d say delight, but it is not exactly a delight. It’s the fun
of it. The fun of being alive, the fun of facing death, the fun of
facing the possibility of catastrophic loss, the fun of contending
with whatever comes, or running from whatever comes, the fun
of being stupid, the fun of being smart, the fun of being right,
the fun of being wrong.
Nothing is at stake here. No one is harmed. No harm is caused,
nothing is helped. What a gift that I should have this wondrous
opportunity to be a self-aware human being.
Look and see if there is any boundary to your mind. Look
and see. Check it out. See if you can find someplace where your
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Sure.
First of all, I’m kind of new to what you are talking about.
That’s good.
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The only thing you can do is tell the truth. Not to tell them,
“Okay, you have to do this, and you have to learn who you really
are.” But just, when confronted with a need for a response, always
tell the truth. That is the best thing anybody can do for children,
always tell the truth. And if you haven’t been telling the truth, you
just start telling the truth. No matter what it is, if you respond
with the truth, everything will be okay.
As to the horrible circumstance that you face, the possible
loss of your husband, and even without the loss of your husband,
this fight against cancer is a horrifying thing. It is hard. It is
frightening, and it is unfair. There is no justice to it. Most spiritual
teachers, I think, would tell you that the only thing you can do is
to not resist any of it, not resist the fear, not resist the expectation,
not resist your own inability to handle it, not resist anything, to
receive everything as it comes, and it will come and it will go.
But I tell you, I don’t know any way that you can stop resisting,
because the resistance is part of this personality. It is part of this
character, it is part of its qualities, and is part of the qualities of
everybody. If Carla were to die, there would be huge resistance
arising in me to the consequences of that. And there would be
nothing whatsoever that I could do about that. No matter who
preaches to you and tells you, “Don’t resist,” you can say to them,
“Tell me how.” And I’ll tell you how. “How” is to begin and stay
with the inquiry until every last vestige of this belief that you are
at stake in this life is gone. And with it will go the resistance. It
is not going to make things good, but the resistance to them will
be unavailable to you. And then, however things unfold, you are
totally receiving them; and if you totally receive them, when they
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go, they are gone. They can’t hurt you. Death can’t hurt you. But
the only way to know that is to be finished with resistance, and
the only way to be finished with resistance is to be finished with
this absolutely unseen and unconscious belief that you are this
life. And the only way to do that, in my experience, is to look
directly at the reality of what you are, as often as you can.
No, it doesn’t feel too spacious, and it is not. But you are. The
gift of this retreat concerning yourself with self-inquiry is huge.
But what it does is it gets you started. That is the usefulness of
it. There is no finishing of you. It gets you started, it puts you
in an environment and in an atmosphere where resistance can
safely be discarded for this time, and you can safely engage in this
practice. When you leave the retreat and go back to your life with
the problematic children, and the husband dying of cancer, as you
are finishing up this retreat, notice, as you are doing the inquiry,
how little it takes. It really takes very little, just a moment.
I advise everybody to go ahead, sit down, quiet your mind
and get a sense of what it really is to look at the truth of what you
are, the reality of what you are, and then, when you go back to
the world, where things are constantly assailing you, then you
will know in your heart that it is really easy to do this inquiry
in the midst of all of it. It only takes a minute. Doing the dishes,
sweeping the floor, any activity, anything you are doing is grist
for the mill of self-inquiry, because there are always these two
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components: there are all the things that are happening, and
there is you.
And in the midst of anything, you can find a time, a moment,
to just stop for a second and check and see if you are not still here,
and if you have been touched by any of it. Because the point of
doing that is not to persuade you that you are still here and you
are not touched by it, but just to give you an idea of where to look,
because it is the looking that does it.
Yes, it’s very simple. Let me know. Stay in touch with me.
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And if you ever need to speak with me, you can make
arrangements and we can talk on the phone. That’s true for all of
you. You can write to me, you can come to the online meetings.
If you live in Ojai or Santa Monica, you can come to a meeting. If
you need to talk to me about something that is really critical for
you, you can make arrangements so that we can talk on the phone.
I am your servant, really. That is my job, to be your servant.
Okay, we are going to have to stop now. Well, what can I say?
Except thank you again, and I will see you this afternoon. I have
some things that I really want to convey to you, like I did this
morning, but then I want to hear from you. So I probably won’t
have too much to say this afternoon, although you never know
with me… (laughter) Thank you so much for this time. I am in
love with this retreat. I think this is really good for the world.
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Yes, but that is not what I mean. I don’t mean it as: ‘Has
it happened more than once?’ Is it something that you don’t
recognize? Is it something brand-new to you?
Right.
That is you.
The inquiry itself is taking place within the lie that you are
this life and, therefore, you are at stake here, so that the actual
apperception seems to be of something separate and apart from
you. When you see yourself from within the lie, it feels like you
are seeing something else. The way to test this is to determine
whether what you are seeing is something that has never been
here before, or something that has always been here and you just
hadn’t noticed that you are always seeing it.
The other experiences, the kind of body-based experiences,
these are just experiences. I mean, they are just body sensations,
emotional sensations, things of that nature. The feeling of ‘I am’
is an experience; it is a definite, energetic, sensational experience.
It is not reality, it comes and goes. It comes with the ‘I’ and it goes
with the ‘I’, and you are not aware of it at all times. It is the same
with the rest of the stuff you are referring to. These are sensational
experiences that are just in the nature of the way the body energy
works. We can make a lot out of them, but I prefer not to.
That experience of no frame of reference, and the perception
of that which has no basis for saying anything about itself, that
clarity and simplicity, that is you, and that is always here. Now,
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Well, then I am confused about what the mind is, because the
thinking part of my mind doesn’t go there.
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those of us who are well along the road in the inquiry, we form
these deep-seated, unseen ideas of what reality should be. We don’t
even verbalize those ideas; we just have this deep-seated sense of
what reality ought to feel like. And it doesn’t feel like that, it feels
just like you. It feels just like you do now, right now, just exactly
like that. That is what reality feels like, that is what the absolute
feels like: just like you feel, right now, exactly like that.
So, we think that since we are not coming upon some new
breakthrough in clarity and understanding, we don’t see this.
But I say, you always see this, you just don’t know you do; you
just think you are looking at something else. You think you are
looking at separation, when you are actually looking at unity.
Go figure.
But see, that is not what the truth is. The truth is that
everything is you. That is the truth. The truth is that there is
nothing to be found anywhere but you. It is not like there is me
and you, and we are the same. It is just you. That is all there is,
just you. There is no me, there is just you…
But you do. You do know that. These are just thoughts about it,
and you pay more attention to the thoughts about what it should
be than you do to the actuality of what you know. Knowing is
really simple, it is not complicated. Our thoughts and our stories
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about it, they get very complicated, very subtle, and very nuanced;
but reality is very simple, the knowing is very simple. It has no
content to it, for one thing. It has no content to it, no storyline to
it; it is just the silent knowing. And that is always here, it is never
absent. It is the same as you, it is you. We are trying with all of
our hearts to see what we are always already seeing, and we are
trying with all of our hearts to know what we are always already
knowing. That is our nature, the seeing and knowing; there is
nothing more to us than that. So, I say that you see exactly as I
do, and you say, “Oh, no, I don’t, because of this and that and
the other thing…”
Just relax…
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Hello.
As introduced.
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Yes.
I am very happy to meet you. Will you stay in touch with me?
Yes.
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The truth of the matter is this: always, you are seeing reality.
I know I might sound like a broken record, but it is really hard
to get this across. Always you are seeing reality. As you sit there
right now, asking me this question about how things progress,
and does there come a time when you don’t need to remember to
look, you are absolutely seeing reality. There is nothing whatsoever
that is obscuring your vision of reality, of what you are. There
is no need for you ever to remember to look at yourself, because
you are always seeing yourself. The only thing that produces the
need to remember to look at yourself is the persistence of this
underlying belief that you are whatever you believe yourself to
be, and you don’t even know what you believe yourself to be. So
that, as long as it seems to you that you need to remember to
consciously look to see what it feels like to be, for as long as that
is the case, then that is an indication that the shreds, the last
die-hard remnants of this belief are still present and operating
unbeknownst to you.
It is also true that that may not be so. But it doesn’t matter
if it is not so, because it seems to be so. What I mean by that is
that the belief is usually gone before you really notice it is gone.
There is really no problem, but we have, for the sake of this effort,
agreed to define a belief about what you are as the problem. That
problem vanishes while you are still trying to get rid of it. That is
the truth. It vanishes as the result of having the light fall upon it,
or the medicine do its work, or whatever metaphor strikes your
fancy. It vanishes as a result of the inquiry proceeding as it does. It
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That’s right.
That seems to be gone to me, when I see you over these years
that we have been in this relationship. That is the sign that the
inquiry is doing its job. That constant, underlying quiet murmur
of anxiety, “Am I doing this right?”, when that goes, you are pretty
much home free.
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That is what you were afraid you were missing all these years,
this that is always here. It always comes back to the same thing:
whenever it occurs to you to do so, do so. It is the occurring to
you that should be followed, that should be honored; if it occurs
to you to do it, do it.
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It feels right to me to just look at myself and let this stuff go.
This whole business of doing the right thing and making sure
that what we do is the right thing, even if what we are trying to
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I didn’t know you, and yet you were Carla and John, John and
Carla. And Ramana. First, Ramana. And my connection was to
offer you a painting of Ramana. And now it is never separate from
Ramana and Arunachala, and you. But you and Carla, it’s not
life, it comes to me as friends…
Friends.
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So?
Well, you spoke last night about the loss of… That you are all
there is… And yet, I see all as part of me…
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you just don’t recognize that you see things like that. And that
is what, of course, leads us to a lot of spiritual suffering, because
we have this idea of how the realized ones perceive the world,
or how I would perceive the world if I saw all as one. And we
try to get that, which is absurd. Ramana insisted that the only
thing standing between you and self-realization is the belief that
you are not already realized just as you are; that your vision of
things is the vision of realization, just as it is. Nothing needs to
be changed about that, nothing.
God knows we haven’t had any luck in doing anything about
that. I am not so interested in talking about the wonder and the
magnificence of all is one. The only thing that really interests me
is what it takes to destroy whatever it is that is present in you that
makes you think that you need something that you don’t have;
that there is something to see that you are not seeing, and that
you are at stake in this life. That is all that needs to go. And the
one activity that, in my experience, is the final act, and brings
about the end of the search, is the exposing of this apparatus to
the reality of its nature, by looking at yourself.
Well, it’s exactly that. Because there is no way I have been able
to not see me in any form I have ever appeared in.
There it is.
It’s like that bunch of roses… There I am. I am not this all the
time, this body, this color, this human, but it’s always me…
Always me.
The reason you can’t get away from that is because there is
no place you can go to get away from you.
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And there are people who say, “Oh, that’s me, and I am that
elephant, I am that mountain, I am that tree, I am that ugly man,
I am that that…”
Did anybody else hear me say that? I can’t believe I said that.
If I said that, I should be shot. (laughter)
Thank you.
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I’m here…
What could I have been thinking? Yes, that is true. It’s just
amazing. This morning, I was just walking back and forth, up and
down a path… And you know how sometimes they say that before
you drop the body your whole life flashes before you?
Yes.
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It’s so clear to me. That’s why they came to me. But do you
think I could see it?
No. Go figure.
It’s amazing.
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Yes.
That’s right.
Amber has this song that has this line in it like “Boundaries are
crashing, I’ve never noticed this before…” It doesn’t feel like they
are crashing, it just seems like they never were really there…
That’s right, and you are just noticing they never were really
there. That’s right. When we make up spiritual songs, we have to
be dramatic, otherwise it doesn’t work. When we write poetry
and sutras and shastras and hymns, we have got to make them
juicy, otherwise it doesn’t work. How can you sing a hymn to
“Oh, I thought that was there, but it isn’t!”? (laughter)
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Yes, it is true, and it is obvious. You know, once you see it, it
is obvious. It’s like the boundaries. Once you see it, it is obvious.
And the seeing of that is compassion. Compassion is not an
emotion, or action, or something like “Oh, you poor thing,” or
any of that. Compassion is seeing that we are all in this together.
It is absolutely a fact that the only way to do the inquiry, the only
way to see what is real, is on your own. Nobody can take you
there. It is also absolutely a fact that we are all in this together.
We sink or swim together, and that is obvious really in the world
at large, in the material world.
Look at us. In Venezuela yesterday they had an ice and hail
storm that was so bizarre that it filled the streets, and froze
instantly into a river of ice, and trapped people in it. Look at us,
look what we are doing. What have we done? And that is merely
in the material world. In reality, we are just as much in this
together; we are just as much at the mercy of each other, we are
just as much one: one mind, one heart, one self.
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I never go anywhere.
I know that.
Likewise.
Thank you.
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It’s like, “Wake up, for god’s sake!” It pisses me off! And then
I want to engage with them, but when I engage, what is evoked,
rather than presence and sinking into that, is anger.
It is a dance.
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The only thing you can do is tell the truth, and if they
want to be free of this pain, the only thing they can do is find
the truth. That’s all. That is the end of the story. Now, you will
engage with them. That is going to continue happening, that
dance will continue playing out, and there is nothing you can
say about that. But whenever you get the chance, tell them the
truth, whatever the truth is; the simple truth, not complicated,
not explaining everything, and wrapping everything up in a nice,
neat understanding, a gestalt, but just the simple truth.
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that there is no reason for you to feel that way. Of course, life is
worth living, of course you are stupid to think it is not, right?
All this is only serving two purposes. It is serving the purpose
of the afflicted one, who wants to have that dance go on, and the
purpose of the other afflicted one, which of course is you. It is
serving the purpose of maintaining the belief that you are your
life. And that you are at stake in doing this right, in making sure
that everything is taken care of.
But the fact is that it is just not true. So it is not that you can
stop doing that dance, or that you should try to do so, because
that is just another aspect of the belief that I am my life, and I
am doing my life wrong, I have got to do it right by stopping this
stupid dance. So, it is not so much a matter of wanting to stop
the dance, or wanting to stop that personally self-destructive
behavior. What you want is the truth, always, in all times. You
want the truth. If it is true that life is not worth living and you are
despicable and unworthy, then you want to know that, because it
is really you here, and the only way you can know that is to look
at yourself. And when you look at yourself, then you can speak
only from the truth.
When you want to reconcile and make things right, and
convince your own self, along with them, that life is worth living,
then you are off on the same madness, the same swamp. But you
do the inquiry, look at yourself, and make that the most important
thing you are doing. It will naturally follow from that that you
will speak to your son and your boyfriend from the truth, and
not from any scheme or strategy to maintain some idea that life
is good and you are stupid.
That is all you can do. It always comes back to the same thing,
it always does. So you look at yourself. You are here, you are the
same. It doesn’t matter whether this character is out dancing with
suicidal maniacs. (laughter) Really, it doesn’t matter, it doesn’t
touch you. It doesn’t matter if you are able to become a light unto
the world, and spread joy and peace and good feelings, that doesn’t
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help you. You have to see that. And then it doesn’t mean that the
character won’t continue her dance with the suicidal maniacs, or
become the light upon the world, and make everybody feel good.
But you will see the truth, and you will know that you are not at
stake in this life, you are not at stake in this dance, and you are
not at stake in these relationships. And then you can speak the
straight scoop to whomever comes to you, in any circumstance
whatsoever. Then you can speak straight as an arrow, and tell the
truth. And then, who knows?
It is not that I am suggesting, or I am claiming that you
should in any way believe that this is going to make you a more
effective person, or smarter, or dumber, or better in relationships,
or worse in relationships. All it is going to do is show you the
truth, just that. And the way that these characters play out in
this container — in reality — is beyond your control anyway.
You can’t do anything about it, and you know that. But I also
say that once you are done with the lie, if you want to become a
more effective personality, you have got a much better chance of
pulling it off. Okay? (laughter)
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what you really want more than anything else, you already are
seeing, having, being.
So, the effect of the work is to kind of create the atmosphere,
the environment where, because of the fact that you are exerting
yourself to try to see what you really are, when moments come
when this that is permanently happening reveals itself, you see
them for what they are. Whereas prior to engaging in the work
itself, it is just stuff that happens. It is just “Oops, that’s gone. What
was that?” You might not even notice it, and it is gone. Now you
see it, now you see it for what it is. And that is why the work is in
the looking, the looking does it all.
The intention does it all. So, I think you are doing just fine.
The exertion to try to see yourself is not going to give you instant
gratification, or if it does, it is entirely coincidental. It just so
happens that while you were doing it, there was one of those
passing moments when this reality that is always here was seeable.
I wasn’t sure I should tell you that lest you think, “Oh, well, then
I don’t have to do the work.” You do have to do the work. I swear
to you, you do have to do the work.
Well, you don’t really have to, right? You can go on marching
to the grave blissfully, or not so blissfully, unaware. But if you
want to be done, if you really want to love your life, if you want
to be finished with misery, you have got to do the work. You
have got to try with all your heart to look directly, face-to-face,
nakedly, at the reality of what you are. Just to look at it, not to
know it, not to understand it, not to name it, just to look at it. It
is just the looking at it.
And when you try that, it comes. That is the point. If you
continue trying, it comes. More and more, it comes. You will wake
up in the morning and you will say, “Oh, look, yes, right. This
is easy.” And then you will be doing the inquiry, and you won’t
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be making any progress, and you will be going off doing other
things… You will be in the shower, and all of a sudden, you will
say, “Ah. Yes. Right. Look.” Or in the checkout line… More and
more, more and more, cumulative. Is that helpful?
I am glad I asked.
No, no, that was a really good question. It was a really good
thing to bring up…
I thought so.
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curious about it today, and I was just sitting with it, and I wasn’t
sure if I wanted to get up and talk about it, for fear that the need
to fill the space would just kind of fill it up too much.
Well, plus it gets more and more subtle. I feel like I can
experience the silence whether talking or not.
But what I was noticing sitting there was very subtle. I wanted
to look at it with you. I was wanting to feel something, I was just
feeling kind of nothing.
Perfect. Perfect.
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A little hit?
I was noticing how the silence, the truth of it felt enough, but
there was this tendency of wanting more, wanting to feel more,
and it was subtle. It’s just very subtle.
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that your whole fate is riding on them. And then you see them,
and they are just things. They are just the way in which reality
takes form.
There is a preference for that silence, which was just more quiet
and more simple, and seemingly more the truth. There is still this
tendency to want to fill it with more of these emotional states.
Right.
I can just see how I was thinking that that fullness was what
I was looking for.
That’s right.
And we get that, and then we lament its passing, and then we
try to find some other teacher or some other teaching that will give
it back to us, and then we lament its passing, and then we look for
something else… And most of us get trapped in that spiritual rat
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race of wanting to get that, wanting to hold that hit, and wanting
to get hold of it. It is okay. But you are done with that.
Yes, you are done with that. All that brought you to the
inquiry, brought you to yourself, and now you are done with that.
And you will get huge, big experiences of fulfillment, and they will
pass, and you will get experiences of scarcity, and wanting and not
getting, and they will pass, too. But you will remain, the same as
you are now, exactly the same, no different, unchanged.
Thank you.
Looking at me.
There it is. That is what you are doing. And it does work. It is
amazing, because it doesn’t work in the way we expect it to, just
as we were talking about it two or three minutes ago; it doesn’t
work the way we think it should work, but it works.
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It’s true, it doesn’t work. Oh, I am crying… I felt like the world
had teeth and I had died. I still find it hard to deal with other
people’s need to be vicious. And I used to be vicious, too…
I can see the choice now. I don’t have to do that anymore. But
I still find it hard to be in the world, because I see that everyone is
doing it, protecting themselves.
No. But I have to remind myself, I can do this, I can stick with it.
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Well, you didn’t know you were doing that, but you were
doing it as a result of a need to protect the lie. And the reason
that it gets so vicious is because we know it is a lie and we have
to hide that from ourselves, too.
No.
Yeah.
Yes, of course. You can’t not be yourself. I tell you this, this
is the truth. If you continue with the inquiry, and it is obvious
that you are doing it right, all these things will be cleared up. This
fearfulness about doing the right thing, and how you relate to
people, these are all vestiges, just leftover stuff, and it will all be
cleared up. It really will, I promise. And you know that. You have
seen, startlingly, what has happened to you in the period of time you
have been undertaking this practice. Everything will be cleared up.
Are you from New Zealand?
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Yes. I don’t know if anyone knows this, but twelve people were
arrested as terrorists just recently in New Zealand… I live with
the mother of one of the people that were arrested. And they are
just activists, that is all they are. But they are now being called
terrorists. That seems to be a word that everyone wants to use. And
I would like to reach out to her. I want to help to stop that pain,
because she is in pain, her daughter is in pain.
You can’t do anything about that. But you can tell the truth.
The only thing you can ever do is tell the truth. And it may be that
telling the truth means saying nothing. If you can’t do anything,
you just can’t do anything, except love them. I mean, really, just be
helpful. Don’t be hurtful, be helpful. Don’t serve the continuation
of the lie, don’t do that. Like we were talking about before, that is
just serving the continuation of the lie, dancing, getting engaged
with that, so you don’t do that. You tell the truth. And it may
mean saying almost nothing, and just caring about people, and
helping them in material ways, if you can. But don’t lie.
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fill it up. We look and see, “Okay, what should I be saying? How
should I be helping her?” Anything. You know what I mean.
It’s great to be here. You know, when I first got here, I think I
was suffering from jet lag, and other things, and I thought, “What
am I doing here?”
Even after I booked the tickets over here, I thought, “Oh, what
have I done?” But it is fantastic to be here, and thank you.
And I also appreciate that you don’t talk about the crap that I
create, you know? My life and what I think. I really appreciate the
fact that I really get it that it’s just beside the point.
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Thank you.
You guys are amazing. You knock me out. I came here this
morning thinking that I was going to talk about difficulty. I
never give too much thought to what I am going to say, as you
can probably tell, since I often forget in mid-sentence what I am
saying, but I had the idea that I was going to say something about
the difficulty in transmitting this offer. About how hard it is to
effectively offer to people this possibility, and how strange it is
that it would be so difficult, since after all, what we are offering
is the secret of eternal happiness. You would think there would
be a market for that, especially when it is free. (laughter)
And I imagine that I probably would have said something
about the prevalence and the predominance of the culture of
instant gratification. We read a book because it feels good to
read a book, and we go to a movie because it feels good to go to
a movie, and we eat good food for the same reason. We hang out
with our friends because it feels good. We get high because it feels
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About?
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No.
Okay?
It’s so beautiful.
Okay. I love you all, really, with all my heart. Thank you for
this meeting. Thank you for this time together. I will see you at
five o’clock. Enjoy yourself.
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Well, it might be. But there are other things to take into
consideration, too. We are all in the same boat. We think that
our take on things, and the particular shape of our confusion and
our realization, when it comes, that they are all very personal,
and individual to ‘me’. There is a strong belief in play that I am
unique as this personality. And in some ways that is true, the
personalities are unique, in the same way that every dandelion is
absolutely unique, although they all look the same. So, it comes
as no surprise, and it doesn’t take the intervention of a spiritual
explanation for it, to see that once we are in an environment and
in a setting where it is possible to speak about these things that
we speak about here, that the people who are speaking would be
speaking exactly as if they were you, because we really are all in
the same boat. For all of us, there really is only this one issue,
there is no other issue. And the beginning of the breaking of
that issue, for all of us, produces the same kind of effects, and
consequences, and results, and reports.
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Well, then, could you also say there is only one heart?
Yes, their pain is your pain. And it is not something that you
seek out. It seems like it is a bug, not a feature. I mean, if anybody
had the choice, if I had the choice, and I could have somebody
come down from heaven and strike me on the forehead and have
me completely clear and absolutely filled with grace and silence
and clarity and no confusion, without regard to whether you
were all twisted up, I probably would take it, right? I mean, life
is short. (laughter)
But it is just not the case. The truth is that we are all in
this together, and the truth is that your pain is my pain. There
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That’s right.
It is like…
Yes, that’s it. It’s a good joke. It’s a good joke once you get the
punch line. It is not so good when you think you are trapped in it.
You are very welcome. You are beautiful, you really are.
Thanks, John.
So it feels like it has taken hold, and I feel like I will be engaged
with it in a new way. I already am… And I can feel some sense of
certainty that that will continue.
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And now that I feel us coming to the end of the retreat, I have
some nuts and bolts questions about self-inquiry. As I find myself
doing it, I notice that there are lots of different ways that I enter
into it. And it kind of feels like the most naked way is probably
the best, but I can’t always do that. Sometimes I’ll say, “Well, I’m
not there right now. Who’s feeling that difficulty?” Those kinds of
“who is” questions…
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The last piece that I wanted to ask you about is having that
inquiry deepen and expand and broaden.
What is the problem with the thoughts? You are the source of
the thoughts.
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But as you have practiced this, hasn’t that expanded for you
to the point where you are able to talk about it as you are? I mean,
you started self-inquiry many, many years ago, and it probably
had a faltering kind of quality…
That’s right. Where is the future? The only thing that is asked
of you is that you, whenever you can, look at yourself, try with all
your heart to look at yourself, that’s all. The rest of it, you don’t
have anything to say about.
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lot. But just to see that even though it may be necessary, that kind
of discourse about how it happens and what you do, the more we
talk about it, the further away we get from it. You are here, and
that’s the whole deal. The rest of it is commentary.
I went on a six-mile hike today for the first time and I also went
to church, because I had a responsibility to play the harmonium,
and I just wanted to share with you that my life has literally
completely changed, and I know you can see that. It’s just amazing.
I like what you just said, how you keep it so simple, because it is.
And it’s so truthful that if you continue to talk, that is just more of
the story. Because when my friend used to talk to me, I would get
so mad at her, because I would be having a stomach ache, having
anxiety, depression, “Oh, I just want to die, I don’t like this! My
life is terrible!” You know, the whole drama. I loved that drama.
And now, it’s like, “Man, I’ve got to find other things to do that are
fun, because so much of this illusion and drama, and ‘I am victim’
and ‘Oh, this person did this to me’, and all these things, and even
the past that we have had with our gurus and our teachers. God
bless all of it, because it has led us to this point right here.” So, my
only question is, what would be the best way that I can share this
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That’s right, and that is the best way. I will tell you the truth.
When you are downtown at the market, people are touched by
you. You don’t know it, they might not even know it, but they are,
and the best thing you can do for the foreseeable future is to keep
up the inquiry. And whatever you are called upon to do will be
quite obvious. You don’t need to think about these things.
So, thank you, John, both of you guys. I just want to cry. You
guys are amazing. I am going to suggest this so highly to everyone
that is sitting rocking out to the kirtans… You know what? Can
you sit with yourself? Go to John! (laughter) Thank you, John.
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Hello.
So the other part is, and maybe you will be a little sad about
it, it has been pretty melodramatic. But it doesn’t seem like really
a problem…
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and that is it. I have all these drafts of emails to you, but I haven’t
been able to report anything to you, because this melodrama stuff
is just nothing.
All this stuff about intent was scary at first. How do I know if
I have the right motivation to do it? Is this really what I want? Do
I really want to see what I am? It’s kind of scary, almost… And
then, am I desperate enough for it? Am I really at the end of my
rope? And then you said things like, you could do it to get rich,
or lose weight or whatever, to get high. (laughter) And it does feel
good, so I just started doing it. That question about whether I am
ready for it, or right for it, you took that away from me. I can’t
fight with you, you just keep taking these things away from me,
you know? (laughter)
And the thing is, as you can see, when I say ‘intent’, because
we so know what spiritual intent should be, we think that means
something in particular, but it doesn’t. It is the intent that counts,
it is not what story you are telling about the intent, like “I am
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Right. That’s the other thing you said: “This is what you want.
You may not realize it, and if you don’t, you should pretend that
it is what you want.” So you just took everything I had to fight it
away from me. I just had to do it, even with melodrama, I just
had to keep coming back to it. And I have. Maybe I’ll go into the
melodrama at some point, I just don’t think I could do that and
feel genuine about it. I thought I had some questions, but you took
my questions away when you started talking today. I haven’t heard
you say this before, but you started talking about the importance
of your native intelligence, your native common sense about it, so I
had some questions about confirmation and different kinds of things
that are going on, and I just don’t think I have those anymore.
Thanks.
Yes.
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Thanks.
When?
You don’t even have to deal with your stuff, much less anybody
else’s stuff. All you have to do is look at yourself, and let the light
in. That is all you have to do, everything else will be taken care
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of. All this stuff-dealing is taken care of, you really don’t have to
do anything about it, I promise.
And that’s okay, really, even that can’t hurt you, nor can
it keep you from the inquiry. It is not like that is wrong, and
that prevents you from doing anything. The most bone-headed
impulses that you follow can’t hurt you, and they can’t help you,
and they can’t prevent you from seeing that, in the midst of all
of this, you are here. Unmoved, unchanged, the same. And when
you see that, then you can see that these very impulses and the
freaking out, and all the wrongheaded stuff actually is your ally,
because against the backdrop of that craziness, you can see the
unchanging, unmoving, permanent reality of you starkly, because
it is so different from this jingle jangle wildness.
Yeah, that was almost like a bell to remind me that I had moved
away. That’s not even the right way to put it…
But you don’t have to. Even if you fight it, it is okay. Those of
us who have been conditioned in the spiritual realm have this
idea that some of these things have to be dealt with, or else I won’t
attain what I am trying to attain. But that is just a lie, it is just not
true. You can fight it, you can do the stupidest thing you can think
about, whatever that might be, the most unspiritual, the most
contracted, the most not true, and it doesn’t touch you. It can’t
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hurt you, really. When it goes, you remain. When all the madness
goes, you are still here, and you can verify that. And, after a time,
either the madness calms down, or you just don’t care about it. You
just have to see that this madness is all thought. It is not anything
being acted out in the community, it is all thought.
Who cares?
Yes. But there is a whole school of thought that you are not
supposed to judge.
You will get over that. That will go away. It will. You just
keep up the inquiry, and all of that will be taken care of. None
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The best thing you can do for humanity is to rid yourself of the
lie. Because it is really true that we are all in the same boat, and
that cuts in both ways: the presence in all of us of the craziness
of all of us, and also the presence in all of us of a modicum of
sanity when it dawns in any of us. The only thing you can do is rid
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yourself of this lie. It is the only hope for this whole experiment
of human beings, of human consciousness.
It can be.
You spoke a few times about just telling the truth when you are
with other people, and I am not really sure how to do that.
If you are not sure how to do it, then just don’t speak. When
you are in a situation that seems to call for you to say something
about it, or to comment on it, if you don’t know what the truth of it
is, just don’t say anything. That is telling the truth. Our inclination
is to jump in and bring to bear all that we have learned, and that
we think is good, and what should be done, and how we think
things should look, but that is not telling the truth, that is just
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Thank you.
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Hi, John.
And I wanted to speak about some things I heard you say that
I really like. One of them is when you talk about being at stake in
the life, or not being at stake in the life. To me, when I was seeing
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And also, there is another thing that you said that I thought
was really good about the goal of the inquiry. You said the goal of
the inquiry is just to look, the goal of the inquiry is just the inquiry.
Somehow it removes all tension, all effort. I mean, it just seems to
me that the inquiry is the inquiry. I can’t get it wrong.
That’s right, that’s right. It is very good that you heard that so
clearly, because it is something I don’t really know how to say. But
it is true, the only goal of the inquiry is to look, and everything
else is taken care of. That is the whole point, to look. Not to see,
even; just to look.
Thank you.
Okay.
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I was just curious whether that was okay. So, in the process of
my inquiry, or looking to see what I am, when I look, to the best
of my ability, to see what I truly am, quite honestly, it seems to me
that there is just nobody there. And so, I’ve also heard a lot about a
sense that if you can truly see who you are, then you feel this sense
of love and permanence and all these things…
But when I look, when I really try to look to see who is noticing
the resistance, I don’t have a sense of that.
Of what?
I don’t know.
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I am not sure.
No, no, no, I don’t care. You don’t have to be sure you are here.
But I am just really kind of surprised that you could say that.
Yes, but stay with me here… “I” feel my body, “I” feel
sensations, “I” see things…
That is more than language. Look and see. From whence does
that report come? Where is it coming from? Is it coming from
the body? Is it coming from the sensations in the body that you
are using as evidence that you exist? Is it coming from outside
in the room somewhere?
The last thing you said to the person before me was that it is
just the looking…
That’s right.
That’s right.
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So that’s clear, that’s fine. But there also was a feeling of being
a little left out today, that there were a lot of reports of “Wow!”
And I couldn’t say anything like that.
You can’t hurt yourself. You are here, you are absolutely here.
You have never moved. Look and see. Look at this. You are here.
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You are the same as you have always been. You are this presence,
this sense of being present. That is here, that doesn’t change. It
doesn’t go away, it doesn’t get bigger, it doesn’t get smaller. It is
you. It is ordinary. It is you. And I promise you, if you will just
look, everything else will be cleared up, it will.
Does it matter?
Who cares?
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I don’t care.
You see?
Yes. The looking, just looking… What about when you hear
crickets chirping, or just listening, and seeing…
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The intent almost seems like the same as the looking, it has
the same feeling to it.
Thank you.
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Yes, that’s right. But I don’t really advise that you tell the
truth at all times. There are a lot of circumstances where it is a lot
better to tell a lie. But when you are in a relationship with people,
in which the issues are real (and not unreal, like so many of the
things we lie about), then the only thing you can do is tell the
truth, as best you can. And the more you are resolved to tell the
truth, the more you see that there is not much to say to tell the
truth. And sometimes, the more you resolve to tell the truth, the
more you see how accustomed you are to lying, to telling stories,
to weaving a point of view, the idea of what it should be and what
it shouldn’t be. And sometimes that just makes you be quiet; it
just makes you shut up.
And you won’t succeed, you see? It’s kind of like the inquiry.
The point of the inquiry is not to succeed in finally seeing
the reality of what you are, thereby redeeming yourself and
transforming your life. That is not the point of the inquiry. The
point of the inquiry is to look for yourself, to try to see reality,
just for the sake of seeing what is real, what is true, what is actual.
And it is the same with trying to tell the truth in relationships
with other people. The best you can do is be resolved to do so.
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You are not going to succeed, it is not so easy. You are not going
to succeed.
Everything we say, all of our yakking away gets us further
from the truth, just like everything we say about the inquiry gets
us further from the inquiry, even though it may be necessary to
do so. It is the same with telling the truth. Everything we say
about any given set of circumstances or relationships moves us
further away from the truth of it. It is kind of like marking time,
trying to figure out what is to be said. But that is all you can do.
And these creatures are not very good at it. We are really not
good at telling the truth.
No, I can see that, because I have been struggling with it through
the night, and today. And each time you have said something, it
has cleared it a little bit further, but this is even better.
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Yes, we do.
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What an opportunity.
Yes.
This has been the best retreat, ever. You guys are magnificent.
I will have more to say about all of that tomorrow. I don’t have
anything else to say now, except to thank you again. I am blown
away by your generous willingness to speak with me about these
things, to look at yourself, to consider the possibility that life
doesn’t need to be the way it has been, that life doesn’t need to
be fraught with fearfulness. Just to consider the possibility of
that, despite what must be for all of us here a lengthy history
of disappointment with the spiritual endeavor — either a
disappointment or a denial of the disappointment.
I am so grateful that you are generous enough to consider the
possibility that life doesn’t need to be fraught with suffering and
misery. And to try this simple, uncomplicated practice of trying
to see yourself, trying to apperceive yourself, just to see what
happens as a result of it, just to see if there is any truth to it.
So, I am going to go now, and I will be back tomorrow
morning. And we will doubtless have an emotional parting. I
love you all. Thank you for this time.
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Well, I have been in hell for a little over twenty four hours, hell
like I had never experienced before in my life. I am confused about
something I think you may have said the other night. I am not a
hundred percent clear about what you said, because sometimes I
don’t hear through my ears, I don’t hear words necessarily to learn
or grasp, so I may have been confused. I want to clarify it. So, if
one inquires about who is seeing, and who is sensing and tasting,
etc., and, in that moment, there is an innocent dropping away
of the frame of this person, and there is just a pure, crystal-clear
consciousness seeing, tasting, and so on, is that a state?
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and then disappear. The states that are in harmony with reality
are kind of a two-edged sword, because on the one hand, they
give us the encouragement to continue, and on the other hand,
they give us the opportunity to mistake them for reality. So, does
that answer your question?
I do.
And who would that be? What form does this screwing take?
Being screwed?
Yes.
Like death. It feels like nothing I have ever done ever has meant
anything. Nothing means anything.
What you do, the only thing you can do, is find out what
you are. That is the only thing you can do. You cannot, by any
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Thank you.
You are very welcome. Will you keep in touch with me?
Yes.
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numb. So I wrote that, too. I wrote. “And now I’m numb.” And
within about less than a minute after writing that, I started to sob.
And I lay down on the bed, and I am just sobbing, and I just let it
go. After a while, I suddenly realized that there was someone else
watching me sob. There was something or someone else watching
me sob. I continued to sob, but I thought, “What is that?” And it
didn’t seem like it was me. But there was no one else in the room,
so who else could it be? (laughter) It was just very bizarre. Then,
finally, I finished sobbing, and went about my business. My question
is, What in the hell was that?
Well, it was you, of course. What else could it be? Nobody else
in the room, right? I don’t know if you have heard it, but I have
spoken a couple times at this retreat about the possibility, maybe
even the probability, that one who is trapped in the belief that I
am this life and this is all there is to me, may very well perceive
the reality of one’s nature as some other, apart from oneself. After
all, what is happening here is the effort being taken within the
conscious personality to see the reality of its own nature. And
it is to be expected. You are not alone in this. The idea of god
was created in human mind by the perception of a greater being
watching the lesser being. But that is you.
Well, that’s okay, you can go nuts, but that is you. And that’s
all. What else could it be? Maybe you are going nuts, but still,
it is you. I wouldn’t rule out being nuts, but that is still you.
(laughter)
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I notice that this entity, or whatever it was that felt like it was
apart from myself and was watching me sob, was very subtly, very
calmly watching me as I was sobbing. And that felt very passive.
Was it familiar?
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Sure.
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is very easy. It is just like, “Oh, right. I see.” “Wow, that’s a relief!”
And on about my business.
But the inquiry, especially for those of us, like me, who are
deeply invested in the idea that ‘I am this life’, the inquiry can
stir up huge states, huge experiences, good and bad, corrupt and
pure. The inquiry has this side-effect of weakening and crippling
the control that we hold over our life and the way that it looks, so
that all the stuff that I have tried so desperately to exclude from
my picture of myself, those strategies are no longer working the
way they did. So, the inquiry can be the cause of great experiences
of both kinds: huge depression, huge horror, huge hell, huge
grace, huge clarity and peacefulness. And it is your job, with your
natural intelligence, and your natural capacity to discern in an
adult manner, to determine that. And not in order to say, “Oh,
bad, I’ve got to stop that from happening.” But in order to say,
“Ah. Okay, so what am I, then? If this isn’t what I am looking for,
what am I then? Who is seeing this? In what does this appear?”
That is where intelligence and discernment come to play, and
nobody can help you there. Nobody is going to go with you there
and say, “Wait a minute, hold it. Not there.”
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Thank you.
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Reality.
My reality.
That’s right, that is all part of your life. You have no qualities
like that.
I understand that.
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Okay.
Hi, John. Ever since we talked last night, I just have so many
tears coming… And I am feeling like, I don’t know, I am just back
to square one or something…
Well, you are back to square one. That is where you start, that
is where you end. When you are back to square one now, it is a
wonderfully good sign. The heartache, the brokenheartedness
that you are feeling is a mourning for what you imagine to be the
wrong turnings of your life. It is a mourning for what you imagine
to be your stupidity prior to this. But that is all imagination, this
life lives itself perfectly. There is absolutely nothing you have to
say about the way this life unfolds, and it is great good luck that
you find yourself back at square one. It’s not bad, it’s good; it’s
not a bug, it’s a feature. And you can expect that there may very
well be a huge arising of remorse, and mourning, and grieving,
like, “I have wasted it all, I have just wasted the whole thing.” But
it is just not true. And even if it is true, what to do? What to do?
You are here, now.
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And that was the other thing I was seeing, how this mind will
take something that is a gift…
Right.
That’s right. But what is that to you? Have you been hurt by
it? Look and see. Have you been affected? Touched? Diminished
by it? Look and see. What are you? That is the inquiry, and that
is the way the vicissitudes and the horror stories of life and the
stupidity of the mind become your allies, because all of that is
occurring within you. The one thing that is the same now as it was
when the state of grace was present, exactly the same, is you.
Of course you are not seeing that, that is a state. It is not here
anymore. You are here. And there are other states that are now
present, like a state of maybe remorse, or regret, or whatever. That
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is not you, either; it is no more you than the state of grace was.
But what this brings to light is just exactly that, that this state
that I am feeling now cannot be me. It can’t be. It is not here all
the time, and I am. The state of grace is not here all the time, and
I am. Once the focus of your attention shifts to the discovery of
the reality of what you are, then all things whatsoever help, not
hinder. They help, because the one thing that is true about you,
that is true about nothing else, is that you are always here.
The purpose of the inquiry, the purpose of the work is not
to produce in you a new state of grace, although states of grace
will still come, I guarantee you. You are not done with them. The
purpose of the work is not to create in you a new state of grace,
or to make permanent what is, by its nature, temporary, but to
rid you of the idea that you are the one who is subject to all this,
subject to passing states of grace, and passing states of hell. That
is the purpose of the inquiry.
And as we enter into the spiritual arena, into the spiritual
work, it is just natural to think that. What else are we going to
think, except that what we are after is that state of grace made
permanent? How could I think anything other than that, until
I come face-to-face with the fact that the only thing I can know,
and the only thing I can have, and the only thing I can be certain
of is me? Then we begin to see, and this natural capacity for
discernment begins to make itself known. We begin to be able
to see, not: “Oh, my god, the state of grace was a lie, it was false,
it was the devil’s work.” But simply, “Ah!” Just “Ah!”
That is a very good place to be. I will tell you, but I can’t do
it for you. Self-inquiry is the effort to come face-to-face with the
actual reality of what you are, with your actual nature — and
know it to be so. That’s what self-inquiry is. It requires you to
bring to bear your natural intelligence, your common sense,
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your capacity for discernment, and to try. And try some more.
And you won’t do it right. But I promise you from my heart, if
you try, you will succeed. This effort cannot be denied; it has
never been denied to anyone. If you make the effort, if you make
it your purpose to be certain of what you are once-and-for-all,
you cannot be denied.
That’s right. I can help, right? I can help you. I can say, “No,
not that,” but I can’t give it to you. And I can’t predict what course
it will take in you.
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the seeking for health brought back the seeker altogether, on all
levels. It just brought the seeker back, that’s all. I don’t want this
in my life, I want to be better, I am not accepting this, which is
truly different than before. So, that is the answer.
And the proof of that is that the misery came with the
experience of the non-health, and the health issues. And all the
grief that went with that, because of the loss of the physical activities
I used to do.
Absolutely.
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Look At Yourself
Yes. But the proof that there was something that was not finished
is that I was identified with the person who was not healthy.
Yes. That’s what I am saying. So, here you are, just as you have
always been. The only thing you can do is look at yourself.
Okay, John, at this point, I have done this for ten months.
What have I done? I sat with myself, and I closed my eyes, and I
looked… And I sat with the sense of presence that I felt. Sometimes,
in the morning I would do that, and sometimes it was more like
flashes of “Am I conscious that I am here? Yes, I am.” And I just
got in touch with the sense of something that would be more like
the air that feels like me.
Okay.
It’s very much like nothing. So I did that for the past ten
months. Last night, I still had a lot of grief about that, about the
loss of my energy level, my health, and that is also proof that this
hasn’t worked at all.
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Meeting 8 - November 6, 2007
For whom?
For me.
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Look At Yourself
Okay, then I believe that I am the life. That is the proof that
it is not working.
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Meeting 8 - November 6, 2007
Okay, one other question. When you said that if you take
yourself to be your life, then you have all this fear and this anxiety…
Can you illustrate that in some way, for example, when I go to the
store, or I go to take a plane, what does that feel like?
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Look At Yourself
Thank you.
These apparatuses have their own life, almost. They have come
into being, contingent and conditioned on all the circumstances
in which they appear. They shift and change — they change
their direction, they change what they look like, what they are
moving toward, what they are moving against, what they are
accepting, what they are rejecting — in accordance with changing
circumstance and the way things are, and this has been going on
forever. So it continues going on for a while. Papaji used to talk
about the ceiling fan. You have a ceiling fan that is running, and
running, and running. You turn off the electricity, and the ceiling
fan still keeps running, and running, and running… (laughter)
Until it stops. It is like that.
But keep up the inquiry, because your description is authentic.
I was taken by surprise. This business of “It’s like the air that feels
like me”, that is very evocative of what I am talking about. It is
not true, but… (laughter) So, it is quite possible that it is really
over, and you just don’t know it. It is like a phantom limb, right?
So just stick with it. It seems sometimes like a huge trick that they
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Meeting 8 - November 6, 2007
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194
Meeting 8 - November 6, 2007
195
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196
Meeting 8 - November 6, 2007
since the time we crawled out of the caves and began stabbing
each other with sharpened bones, and beating each other with
sticks and stones. But it is the magnitude of it. We have such
power, we have gotten much, much better at murder than we
were in the beginning. And we got so good at murder that we
do it unconsciously by turning the planet against us, the planet
which now seems itself to be trying to get rid of us.
So it is quite possible that humanity doesn’t have much time
left and that this amazing, incomprehensible arising of self-
reflective consciousness in human beings is doomed and will
go quickly. It is possible that the whole of humanity will be, as
you have been reporting about your life, just a waste of time. It
is possible that it will turn out to be a waste of time, that we just
pissed it away. And part of how we piss it away is by turning the
energy that arises within us to find the truth and to see what is
real into the worship of gods and goddesses, of heaven and hell,
of celebrity and wealth, and pleasure. God, I am beginning to
sound like an Old Testament prophet! (laughter)
But really, it is the case. And it is the perception of this that
makes the promulgation of this teaching so vital. Not vital in
the sense that anything is going to be harmed if we do get wiped
off, but vital in the sense of seeing what we can do; of seeing,
finally, what it is possible for humanity to do with this incredible,
unbelievable, incomprehensible gift of self-reflection, of self-
consciousness, this gift of the ability to suffer, to want to be this,
to want to be the other thing, the gift of the yearning for truth,
the yearning for an end to stupidity.
And it is my experience, and the experience of many that I
have been with over this time, that for the individual human being,
this is the only possibility for bringing an end to the misery. The
misery doesn’t really have to be huge; it doesn’t have to be like hell.
Hell is actually kind of a welcome break from the monotony of
the continuous, underlying murmuring anxiety and fearfulness
of feeling that you are at stake in this life.
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Meeting 8 - November 6, 2007
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Look At Yourself
to save the world. That didn’t turn out too well. And now I seem
to be an evangelical, fundamentalist preacher of reality.
200
I f you enjoyed this ebook and would like to order print copies
for yourself and for friends, please check with your local
bookstore, favorite online bookseller or place your order directly
with the publisher at http://www.riverganga.org.
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Look At Yourself
202
About John Sherman
203
Look At Yourself
John has been trying for more than ten years now to find a
way to speak clearly of what he discovered during that year of
desperate struggle to escape from the misery of his life. It has
become clear to him that we suffer from nothing more than a
simple mistake as to our actual nature, and that the vocabulary,
context and thought forms that make up traditional spiritual
discourse are of no real help to us in this matter.
Over the years, as a result of meeting with people, listening
to them, engaging with them and learning from them, John
has acquired a clear and coherent understanding of the actual
problem that afflicts human beings, and he has developed a simple
and revolutionary method that brings an end to it; a method so
simple that it requires neither understanding nor abandonment
204
About John Sherman
205
Look At Yourself
For more information on how you can help support our work,
visit http://www.riverganga.org/go/support
206
Index
A
absolute 2, 37, 99, 144
apparatus 34, 80, 96, 107, 113, 146, 170, 184
arising 10, 13, 30, 79, 88, 179, 183, 196, 197
Arunachala 111
atma vichara 22, 23
at stake 4, 9, 28, 53, 54, 76, 77, 78, 82, 83, 88, 94, 107, 108, 113, 121, 122, 123,
154, 157, 159, 160, 161, 191, 197, 199
attachment 143
attainment 22, 72, 74
attention 1, 6, 8, 19, 25, 26, 46, 56, 63, 65, 72, 73, 75, 99, 108, 110, 148, 175,
185, 190, 200
authentic 28, 136, 192
awakening 46, 60
aware 9, 10, 82, 93, 94, 95, 105, 124, 138, 147
awareness 28, 48, 62, 93, 95, 110, 124, 147, 158, 170, 196
Awareness 5
B
belief 3, 4, 5, 6, 8, 9, 11, 13, 14, 15, 21, 23, 24, 26, 29, 32, 35, 39, 41, 45, 47,
51, 53, 54, 57, 69, 71, 74, 75, 77, 78, 86, 88, 89, 95, 102, 103, 104, 107, 113, 121,
122, 128, 141, 143, 146, 157, 159, 164, 177, 190, 191, 192, 198, 199
beside the point 7, 23, 39, 41, 53, 134, 153, 156, 166, 176
breath 18, 47, 55, 56, 81, 82
Buddha 28, 51, 115, 153, 198
Buddhism 84
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Look At Yourself
C
choice 4, 25, 26, 131, 142, 165, 166, 175
Christian 2
circumstance 1, 7, 78, 79, 80, 82, 88, 123, 192
commentary 149
compassion 49, 83, 84, 118, 142, 143, 158
concept 74
conditioning 12
confusion 95, 102, 141, 142, 165
consciousness 3, 4, 15, 21, 25, 45, 48, 60, 62, 63, 65, 69, 70, 75, 79, 83, 86,
93, 95, 102, 103, 158, 173, 175, 181, 190, 196, 197, 199
counterintuitive 63, 83
D
death 3, 22, 23, 29, 62, 63, 64, 82, 102, 174, 191
deep 30, 32, 53, 54, 99, 107, 127, 189, 191
depression 149, 176, 180, 181
depth 148
desire 2, 3, 56, 72, 80, 97, 101, 143, 146, 147
destruction 70, 73, 85, 128, 198
detachment 58, 59
determination 199
difficult 21, 22, 24, 25, 27, 55, 72, 78, 87, 95, 135, 143, 159, 170, 195, 196
discernment 180, 185, 186
discomfort 30, 78
disintegration 53, 75
dispassion 39, 59
doubt 8, 102
dukkha 192
dying 89, 101, 102
208
Index
E
easy 14, 15, 24, 36, 37, 43, 54, 55, 76, 78, 86, 89, 125, 126, 139, 169, 170,
180
ego 51, 63
energy 12, 24, 50, 63, 73, 94, 188, 197, 199
enlightenment 9, 18, 60, 193, 198
existence 5, 82, 179, 196
experiences 5, 9, 45, 50, 51, 58, 59, 60, 64, 65, 70, 93, 94, 96, 114, 115, 130,
142, 179, 180
F
face-to-face 10, 22, 69, 70, 118, 125, 134, 146, 166, 167, 179, 185, 187
faith 164
fear 4, 51, 62, 69, 72, 76, 80, 87, 88, 102, 127, 154, 157, 168, 175, 191
fearfulness 4, 9, 22, 53, 54, 76, 107, 132, 171, 183, 191, 197, 199
fundamentalist 200
G
Gangaji v, 58, 60, 61, 62
gestalt 121
gift 23, 37, 38, 81, 82, 83, 85, 89, 127, 128, 145, 184, 196, 197
grace 142, 180, 184, 185
gratitude vi, 80, 129, 173, 195
guru 27, 66
H
happiness 63, 135, 199, 200
hard 5, 6, 7, 12, 14, 15, 16, 24, 28, 43, 44, 46, 52, 68, 76, 78, 86, 88, 101, 104,
110, 116, 131, 135, 149, 155, 170, 181, 196
healing 74, 101
heart 8, 25, 32, 57, 63, 67, 81, 89, 118, 125, 139, 142, 148, 157, 179, 186
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Look At Yourself
I
identification 47, 58, 112, 189
identity 3, 68, 127
impulses 77, 155
innate intelligence 11
insight 3, 22, 59, 77, 103, 114
internal 8, 9, 10, 13, 16, 54, 62, 69, 75, 100, 199
internal warfare 8, 9, 10, 13, 16, 54, 69, 100, 199
J
Jesus 115, 164, 198
judgment 144, 156, 184
L
liberation 5, 84
look at yourself i, vii, 10, 11, 27, 32, 36, 44, 45, 50, 52, 53, 54, 56, 68, 96,
97, 104, 106, 108, 110, 122, 124, 148, 154, 159, 165, 171
love 3, 10, 17, 38, 41, 45, 49, 57, 58, 59, 60, 61, 84, 91, 108, 115, 116, 118, 119,
125, 133, 139, 143, 144, 150, 158, 162, 167, 171, 196, 200
love affair 59, 60, 200
M
meaning 66, 176, 178
medicine 40, 74, 104
meditation 21, 55, 56, 69, 74, 84
melodrama 136, 151, 152, 153
210
Index
metaphysical 6
metaphysics 196
misery 21, 29, 34, 52, 54, 62, 69, 70, 71, 73, 78, 83, 85, 97, 107, 125, 137, 171,
175, 187, 189, 192, 197
misidentification 71, 190
momentum 170
N
natural intelligence 8, 11, 12, 28, 69, 180, 185
natural state 95
non-dual 62, 63, 64, 182
O
off-center 192
off-centeredness 192
ordinary 7, 25, 27, 165
outcome 30, 44, 45, 52, 53, 72, 83, 87, 95, 101, 168, 196
P
Papaji 29, 62, 192, 196
peacefulness 11, 180
permanence 38, 162, 179
permanent 7, 8, 25, 38, 39, 54, 94, 148, 155, 182, 185
personality 46, 47, 64, 85, 88, 96, 101, 120, 123, 141, 146, 158, 177, 178
philosophical 6
practical 33, 51, 56, 67, 95, 143, 199
practice 5, 11, 14, 18, 21, 22, 24, 28, 56, 65, 70, 72, 75, 76, 84, 89, 97, 103,
113, 132, 136, 146, 148, 159, 167, 170, 171, 179, 191, 195, 198, 199, 200
preference 129
problem 5, 6, 12, 13, 14, 16, 23, 28, 29, 31, 35, 40, 41, 44, 49, 66, 69, 77, 104,
105, 107, 116, 128, 147, 151, 160, 164, 165, 189, 190
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R
radical 22, 23
Ramana 17, 18, 22, 23, 29, 31, 50, 51, 62, 63, 64, 68, 100, 111, 113, 128, 136
real 3, 12, 16, 30, 35, 43, 51, 67, 68, 72, 73, 97, 102, 103, 118, 121, 137, 145, 151,
166, 168, 178, 179, 197, 199
reality 2, 5, 10, 15, 21, 24, 26, 27, 29, 31, 32, 39, 43, 44, 45, 47, 51, 52, 62, 64,
66, 69, 70, 72, 74, 75, 77, 89, 94, 95, 97, 98, 99, 100, 104, 108, 110, 112, 113,
118, 123, 124, 125, 129, 133, 136, 137, 143, 144, 146, 148, 155, 157, 166, 167, 168,
173, 174, 175, 177, 178, 179, 181, 182, 185, 187, 190, 195, 196, 198, 199, 200
recognition 44, 50, 97, 114
religion 1, 2
resistance 80, 81, 88, 89, 162, 164, 165, 167
revolutionary 67, 199, 200
S
salvation 23, 44
samadhi 15, 70
satisfaction 5, 85, 118, 199
satsang 66
search 61, 113, 166
secret 61, 108, 135
self-consciousness 48, 196, 197
self-definition vii
self-discovery vii
self-inquiry 9, 10, 21, 22, 23, 27, 47, 48, 50, 52, 62, 70, 72, 75, 89, 93, 96,
101, 136, 145, 146, 147, 148, 160, 185, 193, 195
Self-Inquiry 96, 185
212
Index
self-realization 113
solution 2, 5, 6, 12, 13, 26, 43, 68, 69, 96, 108, 116, 194, 198
spiritual 1, 2, 3, 4, 6, 8, 21, 22, 23, 24, 27, 28, 30, 34, 37, 43, 44, 48, 50, 51, 57,
58, 59, 62, 63, 65, 66, 70, 74, 81, 83, 84, 88, 95, 98, 108, 113, 115, 116, 117, 129,
136, 137, 141, 143, 151, 152, 155, 156, 165, 166, 170, 171, 181, 185, 190, 198, 199
spirituality 199
spiritual solution 2, 43
states 6, 15, 39, 70, 173, 174, 180, 184, 185, 199
suffering 21, 24, 29, 34, 47, 52, 53, 54, 59, 62, 68, 69, 70, 71, 73, 77, 78, 83,
84, 85, 97, 105, 107, 113, 134, 136, 137, 170, 171, 175, 192
sword 48, 174
T
teacher 58, 59, 111, 129
teaching 12, 23, 24, 51, 90, 126, 129, 136, 152, 195, 197
tendencies 128, 141
therapy 6, 8, 28, 198
thought 5, 13, 18, 24, 29, 37, 40, 48, 53, 62, 63, 79, 83, 103, 109, 115, 116,
117, 126, 134, 135, 144, 151, 152, 153, 156, 158, 161, 164, 168, 175, 176, 177, 187,
193, 196, 199
thoughts 1, 2, 4, 6, 13, 15, 19, 21, 24, 25, 26, 37, 39, 43, 48, 52, 53, 54, 66, 74,
76, 80, 82, 83, 99, 147, 156, 159, 175, 179, 196
traditions 70, 83, 84
transcendence 95, 96, 193
transcendental 95, 96
transformation 43, 44, 66
transmission 51, 57, 60, 112, 193
truth 3, 5, 6, 8, 11, 12, 13, 15, 16, 19, 21, 23, 24, 26, 27, 30, 31, 35, 37, 38, 47,
48, 51, 52, 57, 64, 65, 66, 68, 71, 72, 83, 85, 88, 89, 98, 99, 102, 104, 118, 120,
121, 122, 123, 124, 128, 129, 132, 133, 137, 138, 142, 146, 150, 158, 159, 168, 169,
171, 191, 196, 197, 200
213
Look At Yourself
U
unconditional 144
understanding 1, 2, 5, 6, 7, 8, 22, 26, 32, 37, 44, 62, 63, 64, 75, 96, 98, 99,
121, 146, 179, 195, 198
unreal 168, 179, 184
unsatisfactoriness 192
V
vasanas 128
vichara 22, 23
vigilant 11, 54
W
war 9, 11
Who am I? 62
wildness 155
willing 9, 13, 21, 56, 138
willingness 1, 11, 13, 14, 171, 200
will-o’-the-wisp 80
witness 2, 75, 181
witnessing 75
Y
yearning 70, 106, 136, 197
214
Right now, in this moment, just look at yourself briefly
with your mind's eye. See if it is not possible, even as you
are reading this, to catch just a glimpse out of the corner
of your eye of the feeling of you, the you-ness of you, the
profound and primal ordinariness of you. See how certain,
how literally unquestionable it is that you are here, and
how that presence of you here is certain in a way nothing
else can ever be.
John Sherman
Like many of us, John spent most of his life believing himself to be trapped
in a difficult, bewildering and probably meaningless life.
Then, in the fall of 1994, he happened upon the world of spiritual aspiration
and attainment, of wondrous tales of enlightenment and delicious insights of
non‑dual understanding and, not for the first time in his life, found himself
head‑over‑heels in love with an idea; and, also not for the first time in his life,
he threw himself headlong into seeking its promised fruit. Enlightenment
ensued.
After about a year of this, his enlightenment collapsed, all the beauty
vanished, all sense of clarity and all vestige of spiritual attainment disappeared,
and he was left empty-handed, wishing he had never even heard the word
enlightenment — all the while still caught in the grip of its sweet hope. He has
spoken of that time as his ‘year in hell.’
He set out to find just one thing that he could do for himself that would
settle, once and for all, the question whether human life without fear and misery
was even possible.
SilentHeart Press
PO Box 1566 ISBN 0-9718246-6-5
Ojai, California ISBN-13 978-0-9718246-6-9