MAD236
MAD236
MAD236
*9
HAUNTED BY T H E GHOST OF
CHRISTMAS PRESENTS?
vL
vi
MAD
485 MADison A v e n u e
N e w York, N.Y. 10022
I enclose $9.75* Please send a
10 Issue GIFT SUBSCRIPTION TO:
NAME
ADDRESSCITY
STATE
ZIP
ZIP
NUMBER
JANUARY
236
1983
"Q.T."
(A
MAD
Movie
Satire)
Pg. 4
VITAL
DEPARTMENTS
BERG'S-EYE VIEW DEPARTMENT
The Lighter Side Of
DON MARTIN OUT-TAKE DEPARTMENT
"EX"
"Annie"
"Star Trek I I "
ERR APPARENT DEPARTMENT
How Many Mistakes Can You Find In This Picture?
(A Discount Stereo Hi-Fi Store)
FUNNIES' BONES DEPARTMENT
A MAD Guide To The Anatomy Of The Human Body
Based On The Comics
GAUL BUSTING DEPARTMENT
Chutzpah Is
GIVING ET THE FINGER DEPARTMENT
"Q.T.The Quasi-Terrestrial" (A MAD Movie Satire).
JOKE AND DAGGER DEPARTMENT
Spy Vs. Spy .-.
LETTERS DEPARTMENT
Random Samplings of Reader Mail
MARGINAL THINKING DEPARTMENT
"Drawn-Out Dramas" By Aragones
ORPHAN RUINING DEPARTMENT
"Awful Annie" (Another MAD Movie Satire)
PLAQUES FOR CLAQUES DEPARTMENT
Mottos, Oaths, Inscriptions, Etc.
Rewritten For Special Interest Groups
PROFITABLE ENTERPRISE DEPARTMENT
"Star Blecch IIThe Wreck Of K o r n "
(Still Another MAD Movie Satire)
SPOILED MEET DEPARTMENT
When Not To Use Famous Pick-Up Lines
TRIPLE-SWEAT DEPARTMENT
B a d . . . W o r s e . . . Downright Horrible!
26
11
21
48
24
35
HOW MANY
MISTAKES
CAN YOU
FIND IN
THIS PIC?
Pg. 24
12
.4
31
2
15
22
42
40
32
WHEN NOT
TO USE
FAMOUS
PICK-UP
LINES
Pg. 40
LETTERS DEPT.
"M*U*S*H"
MISSING IN ACTION
A LICENSE TO LAUGH
Thought you might enjoy seeing a photograph of the license plate my children ordered for me.
Barbara Marks
Hillsborough. CA
PUNK ROCK
" C O M M E M O R A T I V E STAMPS"
P L U G G I N G AWAY
"PASTIMES"
THE A M E R I C A N WAY
MAO
ECCH
FOR YOUR
O * "
-*>' RNeoOKS
MSDjg
' A V I D,
PRPERBHCK BOOKS
FOR MRISTmnS!
(THEY'RE AN ECCH-CEPTIONAL VALUE!)
use coupon or duplicate
PLEASE SEND THE MAD PAPERBACK BOOKS I HAVE CHECKED BELOW TO:
MAD
4 8 5 MADison A v e . ,
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10022
jJWBHVI
YOURS!
UNOBDI
'WETJW!
NAME
ADDRESS
CITY
STATE
ZIP CODE.
ALSO PLEASE SEND ME THESE IDIOTIC MAD PAPERBACK BOOKS I'VE CHECKED BELOW:
The Dirty Old MAD
The Eggs-Rated MAD
D 4th MAD Classified SPY vs. SPY
D Polyunsaturated MAD
A MAD Carnival
5th MAD Report on SPY vs. SPY
Explosive MAD
6th Case Book on SPY vs. SPY
The Recycled MAD
A MAD Look at Old Movies
D The Nonviolent MAD
MAD Barfs
O T h e Rip-Off MAD
DON.MARTIN Steps Out
Return of MAD Old Movies
DON MARTIN Bounces Back
The Token MAD
MAD-vertising
The Pocket MAD
DON MARTIN Drops 13 Stories
D A MAD Look at TV
DON MARTIN'S Captain Klutz
I ] The Invisible MAD
11A MAD Guide to Leisure Time
DON
MARTIN
Cooks
Dr. Jekyll & Mr. MAD
[.
ttm
MMJD
SUMPS
MAD
BOOK
OF
a
Wanna make a block-buster of a movie? Here's the recipe: Take a large helping
of precocious kids, add a dash of sci-fi, fold in a generous amount of special
effects and top it off with an "extra terrestrial"! Just make sure it's not the
usual outer space monster! Make it almost human! Make it adorable! Make it a...
Zin blump
gabarble?
1 Gagoonimishik
"muggle forn"!
WF\
Do you
know
what
this
area of
Earth
is
called?
,r l K
3g
>'V
K
<2
K
mt
TRANSLATION
1 think this
is Southern
California! A
raccoon with
sunglasses
just told me
to "have a
nice day!"
Gluz! Dza
| Leplula fnik ]*m Og pu! Gli 1
gizzgizz! i | j Spa Fon Plip'.f
Parv zipp!
Balapida dzugl
tig-fi mo-tsi!
|
4Hj
"M,
Xj
S
9
TRANSLATION
^B
TRANSLATION^ H f
TRANSLATION
>
TRANSLATION
Groo blin [1
zeegrhli? |
X
in
9
m
V
M(
m
9
TRANSLATION
* |
Blashaglik...! Zutz 1
dino biddle smahr? Ez!
TRANSLATION
What
1 Two things... !One (
inter- u | answers the question, (
esting .
"What kind of plant
things
X life grows here?"...
have
9 and the other answers .
you
2 the question, "What i
dism does a bear do in the
covered?
| woods?" Veccccnhh.'.' *
litfp
THE QUASI-TERRESTRIAL
You watch your language!
There will be no dollar
signs, asterisks, amper-
So...? What's
wrong with
that.
He healed f
my finger
just like
a Doctor!
Come on,
Q.T. We
have to
get to the
WOODS to
^ set up your
telephone
Look! Look at
that plant!!
Why has it
suddenly come
back to life?
Probably be
cause all the
HORSE MANURE
in this film
nourished it.
What should
we do... ?
Shoot 'em
down, of
course!!
CHUTZPAH IS...
CHUTZPAH IS...
CHUTZPAH I S . . .
CHUTZPAH IS...
CHUTZPAH IS..
CHUTZPAH IS...
CHUTZPAH IS...
who kills his p a r e n t s . . . and then throws himself on the
mercy of the court on the grounds that he's an orphan.
Now that's chutzpah! Want more examples? Then read on.
ZPAH
WRITER: LARRY SIEGEL & AL JAFFEE
CHUTZPAH IS...
CHUTZPAH IS...
. . . running a bank, charging sinful interest rates, juggling books, using your influence to overthrow foreign
governments, and then offering rewards for bank robbers.
CHUTZPAH IS.
CHUTZPAH IS...
C H U T Z P A H IS.
CHUTZPAH IS...
...demanding that the lady in front of you remove her tiny h a t while you're wearing an Afro that blocks six rows in back of you.
CHUTZPAH IS...
CHUTZPAH IS...
~~
. .
Leapin' lizards, gang! Whatever happened to that sweet, charming Broadway musical
called "Annie"? Hollywood took it and made it into a movie and changed it into...
Awful
ARTIST.
ANGELO TORRES
$4>
WRITER:
LARRY SIEGEL
Last night
she hit a
high note
and busted every
window
from here
to Jersey
City!
No wonder we don't
get enough to eat
around here! They
spend all of their
money on expensive
background music!!
77tt T v l
What tune
is Awful
Annie
singing,
anyway?
It sure
doesn't
sound
familiar!
What's the
difference?!
The only song
anyone knows
from this epic
is "Tomorrow"
... and that
doesn't come
till later!
15
With me gone
you all get
to split up
an extra
towel and
^ pillow case!
Wow! She's
not only
all mouth
... she's
also all
heart!!
.m
Gosh,
look
at
all
the
people
begging!
as
16
52^
Golly!
Americans
not only
give
generously,
they also
give
wisely!!
Gee, Mr.
Morebucks
seems nice!
Not at all
like a big
important
person!
Sniff... sniff!
Yeah, I guess
you're right!!
That's just
ridiculous,
Rivka! You've
really only
been here
for a short
time!!
Any particular
NUMBER
in China,
Sir...?
Leapin'
lizards!
Maybe
you have
been
here a
little
too long!
r-*i<o28g'rx'Vc_
Gosh, I'm
a dummy!
All along
I thought
this place
was called
"Central
Park"!
Leapin'
lizards!
I guess
he IS a
big important
person!!
I just.
might!
__, j
Let me
look
around
and
see!
.\ ***'-$
Don't be
so hard on
yourself,
Awful Annie! Lots
of people
make that
very same
mistake!
Oh, boy...
what a great
place! I'm
gonna love
everyone in
it to pieces,
and then put
them all back
together and
Well, how do
you like Mr.
Morebuck's
mansion?
Gosh, I feel
like such a
dummy again
That's the
orphan I
rented for
you, Sir!
Isn't she
absolutely
adorable?
I can't
send her
back
to the
Orphanage now!
It would
be cruel!
Sorry to
disturb
you,
Sahib
...but
there's
an important call
for you!
Hmmmm! Then
there's only
one other
thing I can
think of to
do with a
little girl!
Don't expect us
back for dinner,
Graze! We're off
to Washington
for a meeting
with President
Roosevelt!
N o . . . I'm taking
her for REVENGE!!
After what he's
been doing to us
Republicans, I've
been dying to get
even with him!!
Simple! We'll
all go from
this movie to
another movie!
The Radio City
Music Hall has
"Camille" with
Garbo and Taylor! Move out!!
Loyalty, hell!
YOU find a way
to tell a ninefoot foreign
mother like him
you're a bigot
... and always
hated his guts!!
Hear that,
Awful Annie! It's
THAT
kind of
thinking
that made
him a trillionaire!
II1
(1 I I
LU
That has
got to be
the most
IDIOTIC
plot gimmick I've
EVER
heard!
Don't knock
it! It was
written by
a screenwriter who
won a SPECIAL AWARD
fourteen
panels back!
11 \
There are so
many dishonest
people out
there, claiming to be Awful Annie's
parents, just
to grab the
reward!!
Don't knock
dishonesty!
Forty
years from
now, it'll
be running
this
country!
I can't believe
that! But I'll
keep interviewing the phonies
anyway! Bonejab,
send in Mr. and
Mrs. Nixon next
. . . t h e n Mr.
and Mrs. Agnew!
That
Awardwinning
screenwriter
everybody's
talking
about!
,
... and that's
our story, Mr.
Morebucks! For
all these years,
we've been broken-hearted...
and desperate!
^ / ' \CV^VH^ J ^ C
Wrong! We did it out of EMBARRASSMENT!
A 30 million dollar extravaganza...and
the best spot they could pick for a big
chase scene is a tacky little RAILROAD
BRIDGE? How about the EMPIRE STATE
BUILDING! Or the STATUE OF LIBERTY!
Or I could have bought MT. RUSHMORE
and had it moved to New York for them!
Sorry, Sahib!
Those places
have all been
used in other
movies! There
are just no
spectacular
places left!
Where we always
go wrong! In our
desperation to
make a hit film,
we take a proven
hit from another
medium... and we
HOLLYWOOD-IZE
It! And it comes
out AWFUL, ANNIE!
oeI
p*53^
21
0
LJLJ
ujja
r
0 -
//
Au*i una*""*"4"*
(*
drugs.
10. None of the customers have zits.
11. The punk rocker is wearing only
one safety pin through his ear.
12. The guy wearing the army fatigue
outfit is really a veteran.
13. Someone over the age of 14 is
buying a " K i s s " album.
14. The "free music magazine" contains more articles than ads.
15. The guy with the stereo headset isn't on roller skates.
16. The Debbie Boone album is a hot
seller.
17. Bach is being played through the
store's music system.
18. The record albums are actually
stacked in alphabetical order according to the alphabet.
19. The "Specially Priced" albums
are really priced lower than the
other albums.
20. The cassette tapes are easily accessible, and not hidden behind
6" bullet-proof glass.
ARTIST: GEORGE WOODBRIDGE
WRITER: CHRIS HART
BABY SITTING
Hi! I'm
the
babysitter!
/I
CREDIBILITY
"NT
THE TELEPHONE
DDD
POLITICS
Well, I happen to
be a Republican!
What are you...?
Me...?!
I'm a
Democrat!
Why in the
world would
ANYBODY
want to be
a Democrat!?
Because my Father
was a Democrat
...and his Father
before him was a
Democrat!!
A REPUBLICAN!!
SNACKS
Boy, I hope this Big Mac ] [ F o r
doesn't spoil my appetite!
| what?
EXCUSES
SPRAY CANS
This darn bug is bothering
the heck out of me! Where's
that can of SPRAY INSECTICIDE?!? Oh, here it is...
GOTCHYA...!
without one!!
EATING
w *w
yt
#F+
\M\
*Ww \(S9i
fe
V s
y^f\
WMI
&y n
^B^
\
TRIPLE-SWEAT DEPT.
IF YOU
THINK
THINGS
ARE...
IT'S B A D . . .
BmWORSE
IT'S EVES
WORSE...
^ ? . J**5
$"^SL i
. . . when you find that you don't
have a jack handle in your trunk!
ITS DOWNRIGHT
IT'S EVEN
WORSE.
WORSE
HORRIBLE...
IT'S BAD.
IT'S BAD . . .
IN FACT,
THEY
COULD
BE...
ITS DOWNRIGHT
HORRIBLE
HORRIBLE...
mmmmmm
IT'S BAD . . .
IT'S EVEN
11 ORSE...
IT'S DOWNRIGHT
HORRIBLE...
IT'S EVES
IT'S DOWNRIGHT
WORSE...
HORRIBLE...
ITS
IT'S DOWNRIGHT
EVEN
WORSE...
HORRIBLE...
IT'S BAD...
IT'S DOWNRIGHT
'rr'-^zf^
|i I '
IT'S BAD
IT'S EVEN
IT'S BAD
IT'S EVEN
IT'S EVEN
WORSE...
WORSE...
IT'S DOWNRIGHT
WORSE...
HORRIBLE...
I ii U
HORRIBLE...
. . . when your p o r t r a i t p h o t o g r a p h is
the one he humorously chooses to display p r o m i n e n t l y in his shop window!
IT'S DOWNRIGHT
HORRIBLE
IT'S DOWNRIGHT
HORRIBLE
1\
. . . when you're in L i t t l e L e a g u e a n d
your folks d o n ' t come to the games!
IBBHSS
A MAD m
GUIDE
TO THE
ANATOMY
OF THE
HUMAN
BASED
ON THE
COMICS
.'<^Y-^..
ARTIST: JACK RICKARD
\
A keen sense of smell helps
this nose sniff out dangers
which may be threatening the
safety of the entire body.
36
THE HAIR
Total baldness
(warbuckus
extremus) can be traced to
a diet of rich gourmet food,
gooey desserts, and very expensive wines and champagne.
H a i r follicle is h e a l t h y
and hair behaves normally.
T H E SKULL
A rectangular skull is the mark of a highlyevolved and intelligent individual. Such people are born to lead. They are usually very
handsome, and they always have perfect teeth.
38
"ff^^f
t"^. * v /
-vT^C^K-.
M \ (\
\^>
w4
J
Vh
^
The personality, which is usually boring and insipid, becomes dynamic and outgoing.
The I.Q, which is usually a near genius 162, plummets suddenly to a sub-moronic 27.
The height, usually an average 5'9", suddenly increases to an abnormal gigantic 8'6".
AT A P A R T Y . . .
ARTIST: AL JAFFEE
DURING AN EMERGENCY . . .
ON A DESERT ISLAND . . .
AT A MASQUERADE . . .
-<;-
IN A HOSPITAL . . .
IN A PAROCHIAL SCHOOL . .
memm/mma
WRITER: CHRIS HART
Thanks
a lot!
AT A V.D. CLINIC . . .
Usually, sequels to successful movies are total disasters. But the Producers
of the "Star Blecch" series have it all backwards. The original was a total
disaster and, by comparison, the sequel was a lot better! We're talking about
Mayday!!
MAYDAY!!
Confident
that we
are in
very big
trouble!!
Commander, we've
got total compressor failure, and a
complete power unit
gasket blow-out!!
Uh... is that
serious...?
Is it serious?!
That means no
frozen yogurt
or ice cream
for the rest of
this mission!
I'D call that
SERIOUS!!
RGENCIY!
How do you
study for
"explosions"?
\wSjl*m mm
UNFRIENDLY SKIES!
STARSHtP
PROGRAM
IN CENT1VE
ONE MISTAKE
A N P VOLA ARE
THROUGH!
42
GYM CURT.
ACMtHAL -
V&JCK&R
_3
es
Checkoff... our
Well... we've
4 Impossible!
mission is to
already checked
Not even a
seek out and exout Hollywood!
DOG could
plore areas that
Where to next?
survive that
are devoid of
A=^
i . environment!
life forms, so
Let's beam
LI Wait a minute!
we can use them n Our sensors are
down and
as subjects for
see what's
/ picking up life
Project Geritol"! ' forms on Alpo V!
going on!
It's
rather
obvious!
A
bachelor
must
live
here!!
Very
LT Yes! I am alive,
observant! (~[ and I never forget a face! How
My God!
are you doing.
It's
Richmond?
KORN!!
SSBB
You're
alive!!
never
forget
a face!
Names?!
They
give me
a real
problem!
5^
/
And for GOOD REASON!! You tried to
take over the planet Earth! If you'd
had your way, that poor planet would
now be suffering from wars, inflation,
igh taxes, unemployment andand
I
Hey...!! Did you give your plan to
someone else to put into operation?!
WW
0fT
This is for
real now.
Lt. Savvy!
Have you
ever taken
a Starship
out of it's
mooring? J-
No, Sir!
Then this
if your
chance! Do
you think
you can
handle it?
Yes! If I remember
my four years of
instruction and my
training manuals
correctly, I push
this button marked
"TOTAL AUTOMATIC
DOCK DEPARTURE"!
Imira
We're
losing
the
picture!
It's just
snow and
shadows!
44
But, Spook...
is that fair??
Admiral, I have
no ego to bruise!
And besides...
if you screw up,
it won't go on
MY record!!
Attention,
Crew! An
emergency
situation
has come up,
and I'm taking command
of the ship!
If THAT
isn't an
emergency
situation,
I don't
know
WHAT IS!
Listen, a
you REALLY
want is ME,
Korn! I'll
beam myself
aboard...!
Spook...
WHY do
you think
Irregular
One
isn't
answering
our calls?
Admiral...
should I call
General Alert?
I want YOU...
and all the data
on "Project Geritol"! You have
sixty seconds!!
Why? Is
General
Alert
aboard?
What a
mind!!
What a
mind!!
AGE
doesn't
affect it
at all!!
Sixty seconds?!?
I need more time
that that! Give
me at least a
minute!
Okay! One
minute!!
You're lucky
you caught me
in a generous
mood
46
JM
What are you talking
about?! That was all
here! I planted those
TULIPS! Kind of sets
the whole thing
nicely, doesn't it!?
Let's ca
it a little
deception,
my dear...
I get it! To
fool Korn!!
L^
Don't worry, Spook!
We will come out on
top in the long run!
Korn isn't the ONLY
one who can make a
FANTASY come true!
Spotty!
Get
us
OUT
of
here!!
J
:
Were not II MR. SPOOK!! You
can't go in there!
going anyThere are fifty
where, Sir!
million-zillion
The nuclear
units of radioreactor
activity in there!
is out!!
Don't
worry,
Mr.
I'm picking up a
very strange energy
source on Refinanced
...one that I've
never seen before!!
yftHMkWM\wmi n 11muiUMf'tm
I fixed the reactor,
Admiral! 1-1 think
we're out of danger!
Well, enough
sentimentality!
Fire his coffin into space!
WE, yes!
You...?!
Don't ask!
WHY
did we
kill
him off
in this
movie.
Sir?!?
Good Lord!
They've set
Geritol
for
detonation!
HOW
dangerous
IS
Geritol!
VERY!! It's
got the power
of two million
bottles of
prune juice!!
Don't worry!
He'll be back
for "Star
Blecch III"!
It's the
only logical
thing to do!
ai36Bn2\XQB&
O J E T.p&e3.
m
Spock, you've got to convince that Vulcan
crew member not to wear tight T-shirts!
O O O Q
MAD FOLD-IN
Today, our nation's poor are suffering from
major economic problems. As a result, they
also have a terrible "housing" problem. Find
out what it is by folding in page as shown.
ARTIST& WRITER:
AL JAFFEE
<B