National Lampoon1976 12
National Lampoon1976 12
National Lampoon1976 12
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What's more, it can do this by cordless
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The arm your fingers never have to touch.
Since Accutrac's tonearm is electronically directed to the record, you never risk
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And, since it cues electronically, too,
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Introducing Accutrac.
The only turntable in the world
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Sounds like something out of the 21st
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Simply press buttons 5, 3, 3 again,
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IBSR(USA)Ltd.RouU.-30J.Dlouvoll,H.Y. IQ91J
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Editorial, 8
Letters, 5
Birdbath, 12
By R. Bruce Moody
True Facts, 24
The National, 27
This Is War, 36
By Ted Mann
Funny Pages, 81
Elborne Whippet, Jr., 114
By Jeif Greenfield
Receiver Savers
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Presenting^*"
Cash Uve At Mrs.
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Contributing Artists: Neal Adams, Arky & Barrett, M.K. Brown, Chris Callis,
Gil Eisner, Randall Enos, Shary Flenniken, Dick Frank, Matthew Goldman,
Ronald G. Harris, Mark Hecker, Matthew Klein, Bobby London, Stan Mack,
Mara McAfee, Wayne McLoughlin, Rick Meyerowitz, Don Punchatz,
Ralph Reese, Charles Rodrigues, Alan Rose, Norman Rubington,
Warren Sattler, Neil Selkirk, Gahan Wilson
Production Manager: George Agoglia, Jr.
Director of Circulation: George S. Agoglia, Sr.
Administrative Assistant/Press Coordinator: Barbara Sabatino
Office Manager: Michele P. Sommer
Publishers: Matty Simmons, Len Mogel
Associate Publisher: William T. Lippe
The National Lampoon, Inc.
is a subsidiary of Twenty First Century Communications, Inc.
Chairman: Matty Simmons
President: Leonard Mogel
Sr. Vice-President: George S. Agoglia, Sr.
Vice-President, Advertising Sales: William T. Lippe
Vice-President, Finance: Charles Schneider
Vice-President, Subscriptions and Product Sales: Howard Jurofsky
4 N A T I O N A L LP.PSC-.W76ABCMCCX*!
AMPOON
[ADVERTISEMENT]
/^tt* r
Sirs:
Howdy.
Firstly, we really got oil on your
apropos list of bad words. It was, like,
far fucking out, article-wise. Intense.
Listen, uh, we ve correlated some of
your basic additions to the list, and
thought it would be sincerely meaningful if we, like, sent you the sum
total, you know? Check it out. Really.
AC-DC
anything-freali
bionics
blow me
boner
burnt-out
consequently
cop an attitude
cope
cop out
creepy
cute
deal (as a synonym for cope)
dig
doody
fab
farm out
flick
fornicate
for sure
frame of m i n d
frame of reference
frat
fridge
Frisco
first syllable of a worcl-fuckingremainder of word (as in in-fuckingcredible, out-fucking-standing)
fucking "'A"
get down (except when addressing a
large, bothersome clog)
get into
gross (may be used as a unit of
measure)
hence
hon
honky
hunk
intellectual
it's cool
knobs (in reference to jugs, boobs,
knockers)
latent homosexual
la ter
continued
on page 10
NATIONAL LAMPOON 5
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Letters
continued
WITHBSR,
YOU DON'T HAVE TO PAY EXTRA
FOR THE EXTRAS.
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With the 200 BAX you get the
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from page 5
love
man
marvy
moreover
Ms.
my draft
'Nam
natural
no problem
no shit
no twit hs la nd i ng
ouftasight
pad
peace
quelle
reality
relate
right on
rip-off
say what?
shake a teg
shai (past tense of shit )
shvatzer
T.G.I.F.
that is to say
the coast
the wife
T.M.
trehkie
truckin'
T.T.F.N.
v-duh
veggies
what's happening
where it's at
wheels
with it
yeah, right
yous
yummy
Daniel and Miriam Webster
Kayro, 111.
Sirs:
My older brother says the National
Lampoon used to be a humor magazine
just like the old Life magazine was
before Mr. Luce bought it. Is he kidding me? Anyway, keep up the good
work. I especially enjoy Mr. Danny
Ellis Weinerabelson's deep-thinking
essays on things.
Bob Foureyes
Study Hall, Conn.'
Sirs:
Here in La Paz, there is no electricity. Thousands are homeless and
starving. The water is unsafe and there
is mud all over everything. Isn't it
amazing how a huge tropical storm
could sweep through and leave everycontinued
10 N A T I O N A L L A M P O O N
on page 27
Southern Comfort
Send for a Free Recipe Guide: SOUTHERN COMFORT CORP.. 86 & wo PROOF LIQUEUR. ST LOUIS. MO. 63132
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filling?
I W Walter Aston may or may not
prefer shagging fungoes out in the
little league, for rumor has it that he
is going to open up a coach training
school on the coach of a train. If by
the time it crosses country you have
either learned to coach a train, or
train a coach, or train a train, or coach
a coach, or anything at all, you get a
degree and a cold turkey sandwich.
[ADVERTISEMENT]
concluded by Woody Allen for his
new movie. The Behind. Conjectures
are rife, I tell you, rife, as to its subject.
But from the title of it, only a numbskull wouldn't know. It's a movie
about the political oppression arising
from the nature of Joseph McCarthy's
love life. Barf!
VC Ken Norton, after his defeat by
Ali, is hiding behind his mother's
skirts! W h e n callers come, he runs
upstairs to his room and won't come
down. He sometimes plays out in the
backyard, though. But when he walks
down the sidewalk to buy eggs and
stuff at the grocery store, he doesn't
look at anybody. Nope. And his eyes
are very red. And he absolutely refuses
to go to school. Well, Kenny, we all
know what it is to be bullied, and I
think I speak for everyone when I say,
we're all on your side. Peter McKinney
was once really mean to me, and I
haven't forgiven him to this day. So
the best thing to do, Ken, is hold a
grudge. Yup. Because if you wait long
enough, you can get to say mean
things about him in a gossip column,
and there isn't a single thing he can
do about it. And I, for one, think
you'd make a great gossip columnist,
even if you do fight like a sissy.
Fig. 1
fSLiw
continued
Panasonic.
just slightly ahead of our time.
Copyright 2007 National Lampoon Inc.
[ADVERTISEMENT
Birdbath
continued
meriton
MERITON ELECTRONICS INC. 35 Oxford Drive. Moonachie. N.J. 07074
14 NATIONAL LAMPOON
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Is it live, or
is it Memorex?
NATIONAL LAMPOON 15
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Statement of Ownership
Statement ol Ownership. Management and Circulation (Act
ol August 12. 1970 Section 3685. Title 39. United States
Code)
1 TITLE OF PUBLICATION National Lampoon 2 DATE
OF FILING September 10. 1976 3 FREOUENCY OF
ISSUE Monthly A. No ol issues published annually12
8 Annual subscription priceS7 95 4 LOCATION OF
KNOWN OFFICE OF PUBLICATION 635 Madison Avenue.
New York. N Y 10022 5 LOCATION OF THE HEADQUARTERS OR GENERAL BUSINESS OFFICES OF THE
PUBLISHERS 635 Madison Avenue. New York. N Y 10022
6 NAMES AND ADDRESSES OF PUBLISHER. EDITOR.
AND MANAGING EDITOR Publisher Malty Simmons and
Len Mogel. 635 Madison Avenue. New York. N Y 10022
EditorTony Hendra and Sean Kelly. 635 Madison Avenue.
New York. NY 10022 Managing Edilor-P J O'Rourke.
635 Madison Avenue. New York, N Y 10022 7 OWNER W
owned by a corporation its name and address must be
staled and also immediately /hereunder the names and
The secret
of great tequila is
under our hat.
Aficionados have discovered that El Toro is a smoother, gentler, more civilized tequila. The reason?
That's our secret. And we're keeping it under our sombrero atop the El Toro bottle.
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El Toro Coffee Liqueur. You'll take your hat off to them all!
80 SILVER AND GOLD IMPORTED AND BOTTLED BY THE AMERICAN DISTILLING CO NEW YORK NY
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C a p i t o l Re c o r d s s a i d
t h e y w o u l d n ' t pay
f o r t h e t h r e e ads
t h a t r a n o n panes
9 7 , 9 9 , an d 101 ,
u n l e s s v;e nave them
some f r e e a d d i t i o n a l
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NATIONAL LAMPOON 19
craAics.
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When you're serious about music.
For further information, write to Craig Corp., Dept (F), 921 West Artesia Blvd., Compton, CA 90220 In Canada Withers, Evans Ltd., 3133 Sumner Ave.. Burnaby, B.C. V5G 3E3
[ADVERTISEMENT]
Letters
continued from page 10
Sirs:
Sheet, man, did yo' read mah book?
Roots, man, like dat's mah hook*. Ah
wrotes dat. All 'bout mah relatives
wha' lo' Ah comes from mah
relations. Mah fam-o-lee, mah predecessors, mah alorebearers wha' lo' dids
give birth to me. Can you dig it, man?
And one o' dem was yo' muthall
Alex Haley
Harlem, Conn.
Sirs:
I desire a sex change operation, but
can't decide which sex to change to.
Any suggestions?
Bobby Riggs
Forest Lawn Tennis Club
Los Angeles, Cal.
Sirs:
I've just visited the South Bronx,
and I want to take hack everything I ever said about packs
of wild boys.
William Burroughs
c/o France
Sirs:
Wow, I just don't understand
about all these women and
black people that, like, say
they feel oppressed all the
time. Why don't they do
some 'ludes?
Tina Preteen
Suburb Earth
Sirs:
I'd rather be right
than Secretary of Agriculture.
Earl But/
West Lafayette, Ind.
Sirs:
Remember the benefit concert for Bangladesh? Well, it fixed everything up over here. We've
all got plenty to eat now
three squares a day, 100 percent literacy rate, plenty of attractive low-cost housing, a booming
economy without inflation, and many
charming shops and boutiques stocked
with lovely merchandise from around
the world. Thank you, thank you all
very much.
Major General Ziaur Rahman
Dacca Records
Dacca, Bangladesh
Sirs:
How much wood would a Woodcock cock if a Woodcock could cock
wood at eight-fifty an hour, time-anda-half overtime, with double time on
weekends and holidays, twenty-six
paid vacation days, and a thirty-fourhour work week?
Leonard Woodcock
U A W Strike Fund Money Bin
Duckburg, Mich.
Sirs:
W e gonna Kepone
Kepone on!
Dow Chemical Co.
The Entire State of
Maryland, U.S.A.
Sirs:
Prettiest girl I ever saw was snorting cocaine through a straw. (Actually,
it was a rolled-up $100 bill and she
looked kind of wasted. But none of
that rhymes.)
Richard Avejan Wenner
Rolling Stone Magazine
for the Right Kind of
Young People and Their
Wealthy Parents Soon
Moving to Nice New
Offices Where You
Don't Have to Smell
Japanese Food All
Day, N.Y.
Sirs:
I am writing a novel about an experience I had in 1956 and would like
Sirs:
I'm not really a homosexual. I'm just trying to stay
out ol the Army.
Chevy Chase
NBC Stock Pen
Saturday Night, N.J.
Sirs:
What happened to us, anyway? W e
were pretty famous there for a while.
Patti Smith
Bruce Springsteen
c/o Ramada Inn's Entertainment
Booking Dept.
Ramada, 111.
Dear Black Africans:
Look, let's split up Rhodesia fair
and square: You can have majority
rule and all this pretty jewelry, plus
some cows and a big party later. And
all we'll take is the boring old pieces
of green American paper stuff, the
yellow bricks that are too heavy to
build huts out of, and all that gooey
continued
N A T I O N A L LAMPOON 21
[ADVERTISEMENT]
Letters
continued
Sirs:
We're almost certain that your
country is a Communist plot to heighten international class contradictions
as a prelude to worldwide violent
revolution, and you'd better watch
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22 NATIONAL L A M P O O N
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Volumel,No.LXXXI
December, 1976
lOOcents
The "nasty, brutish, and shorfers, the "quiet desperation"ers, as well as the " what you make if'ists and " real and earnest"ers
have been peached and creamed by the discovery, at the Center lor Optimistic Studies, of what life really is (see inset).
Dateline: Brave
New World-Professor Irving Pangloss,
brilliant director of
the world-famous Institute for Optimistic S t u d i e s , an-
n o u n c e d at a
wonderful news conference today that
"everything is for the
best."
The learned doctor
and bis respected colleagues urged Congress
to repeal the second
law of thermodynamics
in the light of their exciting discovery that
life "is a veil of cheers,"
and that the universe
"is doubtless unfolding
as it should."
Pessimists throughout the world are astonished by Dr. Pan-
By JIZ W E N N E R
Flashlight on
Flashlights
by Brittanica Dimwiddy
Once upon a lime, in a long-ago and faraway land we will call Acirema. a jungleful
animals lived happily, thanks to a hard-working. generous lion named Lio. Lio found.
gathered, and distributed the wood the other
animals used to heal their caves and cook their
meals. And because Lio operated ihe woodgathering business from discovery to refining
the wood to selling it. Lio was able to provide
the most efficient service at the lowest possible
cost (sometimes he even gave away free gifts
when the other animals bought enough wood).
Now ihere also lived in this jungle a group of
noisv. unpleasant-smelling monkeys, who had
long noses and wore thick glasses and never
competed in the races and couldn't dance well
and were generally thought to be a bother and
would probably have been eaten a long time
ago if it wasn't for the generosity of Lio. These
monkeys, having nothing better to do and
secretly wishing to turn Acirema into a jungle
just like that of Aissur. began telling the oilier
animals that it was unfair that only Lio should
Al
be allowed to gather and sell wood.
"This is a wicked monopoly." the monkeys f " " I m B E C m\ I
chattered.
UllAiDML
And because it has been a cold winter, and WE'RE W O R K I N G T O KEEP
OUR TRUST
the price of wood was high, the other animals
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and the exciting new
Mary Jane at Winter Park
Mail to: Winter Park Resort Association, Box 5EE, Winter Park, Colorado 80482
Travel
Chile: The New Hot Spot
for American Tourists
By our travel correspondent
South of ze border,
down Santiago way,
American tourists can
get set for a warm rec e p t i o n in S o u t h
America's Free World
fun s p o t . . . C h i l e .
C h i l e , at the sunny
S o u t h e r n tip of the
continent on the Caribbean. offers everyt h i n g to m a k e the
American traveler feel
tablishments. as well as
offices of all the leading
Fortune
Five
Hundred
American'
corporations, each of
which has an authentic
American office-style
cafeteria. Yum. Yum.
There's No Place
Like Home
So whether you're a
Republican or a Conservative, it doesn't
matter;
Chile welcomes you. Forget the
South, and just remember the American.
Chile's the perfect spot
for
the
American
tourist. You'll never
know you've left home.
Consumers Demand
Freedom of Choice
For Release All Media
December 4
Forfurther information,
contact:
Mrs.
Judy
Bit me. Admin. Asst.
Marketing Info. Unicomtex
International,
Racine Wis. Cable
UNIFOODINC.
When the latest barrage of so-called consumer protection laws
were unleashed on the
American public, numerous highly respected experts predicted
that the consequences
would be dire and unpredictable. Already,
events are proving
them correct. A backlash against consumer
laws is now in full
swing, reaching to the
very highest levels of
the business community and down to the individual consumer, the
man in the store.
One of the farsighted
men who saw the writing on the wall some
time ago is L. Putney
Flouncer, board chairman of Proxy and Garble. "It started with
safety caps and warnings on cigarette packs,
and it led to what we
have now. I am making
obvious reference to
the kind of Kremlininspired nonsense like
HigMigltfs
Dec. 4
8:00 P.M.
Dec. 8
7:30 P.M.
oftheMonth
ABC. SAY AAAHH (Drama). All his patients have died, so Doc decides to go
back to medical school. Brian Keith.
Dec. 10
8:00 P.M.
ABC. THE IRONIC WOMAN. Joan Rivers as a Los Angeles housewife who has a
ready quip for every occasion. In pilot show she foils plot of Arab terrorists
to pull the plugs of the dairy cases in every A&P in the San Fernando Valley.
With Carl Betz as "Bob."
Dec. 12
8:00 P.M.
Dec. 14
9:00 P.M.
ABC. MOVIE OF THE WEEK: Meet Miss Subways. Laura is a clerk-typist for an
accounting firm by day, and a budding actress by night. She enjoys
needlepoint, making her own clothes, and has a passion for pistachio ice
cream. Rita Moreno, Billy Dee Williams.
Dec. 15
9:30 P.M.
Dec. 17
8:00 P.M.
Dec. 19
9:00 P.M.
ABC. THE BYRONIC WOMAN. Susan Sontag as an Ivy League English prof
with a narcissistic love poem for any occasion. In premier show, Susan
defeats a gang of Iraqui terrorists bent on removing the magnifying glasses
from every set of the two-volume Oxford English Dictionary in Texas. With
Robert Vaughn as "Bob."
NBC. NBC MYSTERY THEATRE: "Who Stole the Sara Lee? Who Stole the Piece
That I Saved for Me?"
Dec. 21
8:30 P.M.
Dec. 23
8:30 P.M.
ABC. A TRUE SON OF THE PARTY. Ling Ho and Hoo Boi want to go to the
party convention in Peking, but their wives have other ideas. Warner Oland,
David Carradine.
Dec. 27
9:30 P.M.
Dec. 30
8:00 P.M.
CBS. STRAWBERRY FIELDS FOREVER. The boys finally get a shot on " American
Bandstand," but Ringo's visa expires. Yoko: Pat Suzuki.
ADVERTISEMENT]
THIS IS
W/iR
by Slouch Hooligan,
War Correspondent
The plane flying me New Yorkwards leaped oil the ground with a
rotten thundering whistle from its
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my own tortured bronchial passages,
ragged and red from the boiling air
and boilermakers of Beirut. I was
being recalled from Beirut by my
editors. Mann and O'Rourke. The
two of them had phoned Costello's bar
a few months back and were able to
reach me through the fog of a dozen
doubles and the din of the journalists'
hiring hall. I didn't get too clear an
idea of what they were after, only that
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36 N A T I O N A L L A M P O O N
m *
FINALLY
Volume I, No. LXXVIII
- -
1 -- --
Weather:
Chance of falling
gorillas, then clearing.
Limited Edition
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This Is War
continued
THE"MACE"
when one amp is not* enough.
The Mace is offered in a single unit
version with two or four 1 2 " speakers.
A "power pak" only version is also available
to the guitarist who wishes to use different
enclosures and speaker combinations.
1
u
I
L
I
ADDRESS.
J
38 N A T I O N A L L A M P O O N
The Pioneer
SX-450 Receiver:
A quality alternative to
the plastic compact.
[ADVERTISEMENT]
This Is War
continued from page 22
funny stuff. W h a t do you mean,
u'hat is funny stuff? You know, she
said, like jamming your meat in
places it shouldn't be in, for
example.
i
V*^
Introducing the Bose 901* Series ill:
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Big storm at night rallied lOindows and killed cat. Very bad storm.
Cat still in oven. Croatia Freedom
Forever from All! Had dinner af
Jack-in-the-Box last night. The
machine took my order and then I
distinctly heard it say, Anatoly,
take a plane and kill people for free.
1 think I know what lawyer I
need. Meli'in Belli? I hat>e decided
what lawyer. 1 want the guy who
plays Perry Mason. Except J think
he should be Perry Mason i n a wheelchair, then he can say he knows how
someone like Wallace feels and still
think I should get off with a death
sentence.
The whole world is a stage. For
some it is to walk around and make
Croatia suffer. For some it is to play
president or Chair Bono. For some
like me it is to be an Assassin. Is
that profound? Is this the bus to
Kennedy airport?
Before I got on this bus to the
planes (that man is still watching,
must write slower, quieter)...I went
for a walk in the park to think of
what to say when the time comes
and the pressure cooker blows death
on the police. Should 1 say something drama like Shakespeare, or,
"Thus I as spokesman for the
oppressed peoples of Croatia have
struck an explosion for peace on
behalf of, among....?" or, "Where
am I, what is this gun doing in my
hand," or, "Hey! Fella.1 Telegram
from Popeye," in funny voice?" Who
cares. Soon I will be there. The world
will know Anatoly Zyrenskiif...
That's where it ended. Left by the
crazed Croat in the seat pocket of
the plane a few days before, it had
remained undiscovered until the
sharp eyes of a trained journalist
spotted it and used the material in
order to save himself the trouble of
writing a column this month.
Well, I meet Mann and O'Rourke
tonight. Hope they're not as bad as
they sound.
40 NATIONAL LAMPOON
WALKER'S
DE LUXE BOURBON
((
AGEDQYEARS j)
1976 HIRAM WALKER & SONS INC., PEORIA. IL. STRAIGHT BOURBON WHISKEY 86 PROOF
00
Introducing the A-100. It's better sounding, better built and easier to work
than anything in its price class.
Rugged and reliable, the A-100 will give you sound that is incredibly clear
and clean. All the crisp highs and un-muddled lows you want. And Dolby
noise reduction is built-in to eliminate annoying tape hiss.
The brand new A-100. Built on our standard of high quality and reliability.
Because in this age of plastic disposable everything, we still maintain that
every TEAC product must work well for a long time. And in doing so, give
you that extra measure of value even beyond a number on a price tag.
T h e A-100 is shown in a beautiful simulated wood cabinet with a special
w a l n u t vinyl covering. Less t h a n $30.00."
J. Jli-AO
The leader. Always has been.
TEAC Corporation of America, 7733 Telegraph Road, Montebello. CA. 90640 TEAC 1S>7<>
In Canada TEAC is distributed by White Electronic Development Corporation (1966) Ltd
""Dolby" is a trademark of Dolby Laboratories. Inc.
"Nationally advertised value. Actual resale prices will be determined individually and at the sole discretion of authorized TEAC dealers.
[ADVERTISEMENT]
What Is a Newsie?
^tween the
hours of 6:00A.M.ancl 7:00l?M.,
between the gutter and the
shoeshine parlor, between the
first amendment and the general
public stands...the newsie.
Newsies come in every age,
size, and shape, but mostly
gnarled. They are the news of
the world under a rock, freedom of the press with Mafia
protection, the Dow Jones
closing with an apron full of
nickels. Newsies can be found
everywhere on corners, in
malls, terminals, stations, candy
stores, stalls, kiosks, and the
false fronts of massage parlors.
A newsie is a twinkle in the
eye, a wen on the nose, a butt
between the gums, the numbers
that paid off, a rack full of porn,
but never, ever, change for a
five. Newsies like racing form
addicts, furtive commuter skin
mag customers, warm weather,
extras, and glossy beaver books
that pay 20 percent to the retailer. Newsies hate pennies,
oversi/.es, teamsters, little magazines, Sunday advertising supplements, and kids who tink dis is
a libary or sumpin.
And it was of newsies that
the great W.C. Fields thought
upon his deathbed. "Standing
out there in the rain and the
snow," the great man mused,
"some of them the sole support
of widow.ed mothers...I'd like
to do something for them..."
and he lapsed into his final
coma, from which he emerged
only to mutter those immortal
words about every newsie in
history: "On second thought,
luck 'em."
NATIONAL LAMPOON 43
[ADVERTISEMENT]
RENT-A-SATIRIST
Hi! You don't see much of me in this issue, because
I'm in Sausalito having drink after drink at the
fashionable No Name Bar. But I flew back for the
afternoon to talk to you about a very special service
now being offered by the National Lampoon.
From time immemorial, satirists have been held
to possess enormous power power to injure or
destroy plants, animals, people, even inanimate
objects, with their rhymes and wit. The ancient
Greek satirist Archilochus made up a poem which
caused a whole family to hang themselves because
he was jilted by their eldest daughter. The prophet
Muhammad had three satirists who cleared the upper Nile of malaria without the help of a single
nurse or doctor. And Aithirne the Importunate, a
medieval Irish satirist, demolished everything of
value on that islanda condition which persists
to this very day.
Now you, too, can wield the fabulous power of
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[ADVERTISEMENT]
Ruts?! Rats in here?! Sir, I think not!
Though modern laws allow the use
Of these facilities by Jews,
Women, colored, and all that lot,
Still, rats in here? Sir, I think not!
These precincts for gentlemen are preserved.
Only gentlemen will be served.
And you may listen in lowest den
And not hear rats called gentlemen.
For every decent civilization
Requires a gentlemen to possess
Courage, Taste, and a Good Education,
And Heaps of Money (more or less).
First, Courage examine: 1 call the rat's slim.
You say he bites babies? I say babies bite him.
I claim the rat coward and I'll prove it, what's more:
Did ever rat fight in either World War?
Nothing scary about him save his fearful Taste
Which inclines him to mud baths in offal and waste.
He has little pink feet an unspeakable hue;
His cologne is the eau de la pond scum and glue.
And as for a rat with a Good Education:
1 say that he's lucky to have had vocationAl training. And see if you find a rat
Willi the diploma to contradict that!
Last, there's the matter of rat economics:
His fiscal holdings are utterly comic.
A fiduciary outlook glum
Exemplified by his home in the slum.
You have a still more serious problem? Then it's easily worth
$1,000 for a day-long demonstration of verbal vituperation
by one of our associate editors (they're especially good at
legal problems and removing old wallpaper)...
Beavers would not pee against the trees that you're made from.
Sierra Club did cheer that forest cut away.
Savage aborigines would blush from head to bum
At authorship of patterns crude as you display.
Paper, the very paste that holds you to the wall
A tapeworm gags. No fly would e'er feed on such waste.
The very palate of a lamprey would be galled.
Of such is the nature of your wallpaper paste.
My fiber friend, do I perceive you look askance
At my critique fair-minded of the visual blight
You bring these walls? You're angry? Why, then, here's your chance!
You skinny fish-wrap, thin dried scum, come you down and fight!!
A vagina denta.
I never knew what it meant aLas, until 1 met with you,
My lass, alas, and now 1 do.
Miles of Crest and Gleem must go
To fight the stain of menstrual flow...
Or did God form invertedly
To make your gums bleed and tongue pee?
It's so! I've heard your mother tell
Where she set teething ring in place,
And how, from low, your first words fell,
And how she diapered up your face.
Nor could biographer omit,
And style himself the leastwise honest,
How you bra'd your knees and skinned your tit,
And hand-walked to the orthodontist.
You shave to be decorous.
For douche, you use Lavoris, >
Your nose is your clitoris...
(Why, that last's a psychoanalytic saver
Of most explanations for your behavior
You must have a deep subconscious wish
To bugger the powerful, famous, and rich!)
You wonder what I saw in you?
You cannot wonder as I do
What il is that you see in me.
It must be my nice shoes you prize.
Because the view that assholes see
Hardly to the knees can rise.
It can't, I know, be otherwise,
Since, clearly, you shit out your eyes.
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46 NATIONAL LAMPOON
Permanently wired
0 still pumping DIC "
- B r i l l o Bob, WSC
i admit I'm sort of permanently wired into the audio scene, so it's a
definite kick to run another B-l-C ad in National Lampoon. A couple of
years ago B-l-C came out with their Venturi concept that blew away
traditional approaches to loudspeaker design. Not long after, the same
people introduced the first belt-drive-programmable turntable which I
immediatedly glommed onto; and it has set the direction for record
playing devices. About that same time, we ran our first ad telling
people that we carried the stuff cause that's what was happening.
Now? Just let me say one thing: Go check out the new twin-motor 1000,
or the tasty new B-l-C Venturi monitors. What are they? Call or drop
me a lme
'
^ M |
P.S. Send along $1 for
Why? Crack our hot new ^ g
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postage, and we'll zip
stereo catalog and disM
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you the "How to
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DNFUSIONS
OF AN
ADMAN
by Jed Cohen
as told to Gerald Sussman
Hey, you're Gerry Sussman, right?
Right.
Jed Cohen.
Oh yeah. How are ya? You still at
J. Walter?
Yup. You still at the Harvard Lampoon?
National
Lampoon.
How ya doin' up there? Hey, you
guys do some really crazy shit. What
was that thing you did? That picture
ol Kissinger naked, like a Cosmopolitan spread. Was that your idea?
No.
So what are you doin' at P.J.'s?
Waiting for someone.
on page 93
N A T I O N A L LAMPOON 49
Thinking defined.
Now B-l-C VENTURI introduces two
new high-efficiency speakers, that go on
to do what no others have ever attempted.
They're called the Monitor Series.
And, by any definition, they're the first
speakers that can think,
Both the Formula 5 and Formula 7 are
equipped with electronic circuitry capable
of taking measurements, displaying information, even initiating specific action.
For example, they can tell when your
amplifier is 'clipping,' and signal you.
They can warn when they're being
overloaded, and protect themselves.
They can automatically adjust their
frequency response to match the aural response of the human ear.
And the Formula 7 can even let you
see what you're hearing.
These unique abilities elevate the
loudspeaker to a new role in the stereo
system. That of a system monitor, which
can literally help you hear better.
A balanced performance.
The Formula 7 takes the monitor concept an interesting step further.
A bank of Sound Pressure Level Indicators light in sequence, as speaker output increases. This visual display covers the range from
75db (normal speech) to
117db (jet engine at 70 feet).
A reference chart on the
display panel further interprets the information.
Interesting in themselves,
the SPL readings can also
help you fine-tune your system to room acoustics, and
compensate for imbalanced
output levels in amplifier and
tuner channels, tape heads
and phono cartridges.
Tomorrow's
technology today.
sitivity to your amplifier's maximum 'clean'
output.
Once matched to your amplifier, the
indicator will stay lit when clipping occurs.
Lowering your amplifier until the lamp just
flickers will allow musical peaks to be perfectly reproduced.
What's more, this circuit can be used
to indicate speaker overload in those few
instances where an amplifier has a power
rating higher than the Formula 5 or 7 it's
being matched with.
And, if overloaded, the speakers
protect themselves by shutting off power to the stressed component. Individual
indicator lamps (left above) signal you,
and can also help isolate the problem.
Once again, B-l-C VENTURI has extended the limits previously envisioned
for speaker design.
These two new Monitor Series speakers take speaker technology an innovative
step into the future. They establish a new,
and larger, role for the loudspeaker.
And we confidently predict that
they presage the speakers of tomorrow.
Improving on nature.
One of the curious facts in acoustics is
that the ideal in musical reproduction has
long been 'flat' response.
Curious, because only at very high
levels can the human ear hear flat. As listening levels decrease, the ear quickly
loses bass and treble tones.
That's why our exclusive Dynamic
Tonal Balance Compensation circuit (patent pending) was developed.
The idea is to improve on nature
And by automatically compensating for what the ear can't normally hear, today's B-l-C VENTURI
speakers bring you music that's
music to the ears.
B I C VENTURI
Westbury, N.Y 11590.
BIC, B I C VENTURI and
BICONEX are trademarks of British
Industries Co. Division of Avnet, Inc.
In Canada, C.W. Pointon, Toronto.
By Ted Mann
[ADVERTISEMENT]
on hold.
"Baum speaking.''
"Mr. Baum, I've been trying to get
hold of you all week. I just couldn't
seem to catch you. 1 left messages..."
True. The one thing I'd gotten back
to that week was Linda. I'd plugged
every loophole she had a dozen
times. I'd really enjoyed handling her,
but it was time to get back to work.
W h e n the meek inherit the earth, I
want my 10 percent.
"
, isn't it? From the
National Lampoon? How have you
been, baby? What's been happening?"
"Well, the thing is, you understand, someone, possibly a thief, has
been stealing a lot of my material and
selling it to inferior foreign publications. I'm not the only one who's
being cheated. A lot of art has been
stolen as well. I talked to the magazine's publisher. He claimed to knownothing about it, then said that there
was nothing we could do and that I
should just lorget about it. I decided
to call you. I hope I did the right
thing?"
"Damn right you did. My interest
starts at 10 percent, baby, and it
doesn't quit." I talked to the talent a
while longer. He was dating some
bimbo with more up front than
Benchley's last contract and a bottom
line that would turn Tennessee Williams into a husband and lather, and
after he'd shaken his tongue for half
an hour, 1 told him I'd get back to
him.
I leaned back in my chair and took
a pull on the Bloody Mary. It looked
like this case was going to require
some power thinking. I reached under
my robe and flicked my pacemaker
up a single notch, sending extra
blood brainwards till my top-cheese
was working like a dozen ad agencies
trying to land the Lockheed account
during a brainstorm, if you catch my
52 NATIONAL L A M P O O N
drift.
The circumstances surrounding
the case were familiar. No reason why
they shouldn't be; direct violations of
the Berne copyright agreement are
an everyday occurrence on foreign
soil, and seem to occur almost hourly
on French dirt. It put me in mind of
the activities of one Maurice
Girondist, the Paris suer, a pandering
publisher who had stolen more
authors' and agents' royalties than
most would have thought possible,
and made less of an attempt to conceal his activities than a baboon cut
loose in a banana stall.
I was pretty sure that Girondist
himself was out of business, but I
wondered if he had a successor. I
decided to contact the one man in
New York who knows more about
the Frenchman's activities than I,
and for good reason; Girondist had
fucked him as if his asshole was
cast of titanium steel. Akbar Del
Piombo was this unfortunate talent's
tag, and he had authored Fuzz
against Junk, Skirts, and dozens of
other big-selling notch novels. I
decided to drop in on Akbar at his
Lower East Side tenement and see
if I couldn't glean a little information
from the impoverished penman.
An hour later I was hopscotching
around the refuse on Del Piombo's
sidewalk, one hand on the controls
of my pacemaker, ready to turn it up
to ten if something dark should drop
off a window ledge, knile in teeth,
and try to cut loose my wallet and
watch. The pacemaker, which I'd gotten following my heart attack three
years ago, provided me with the
strength and agility of ten men for
brief periods. If I used it too long,
there was a danger my heart pile
would go critical and blow bladder
out asshole.
I made it safely to Akbar's door,
and alter several minutes of pounding
on that sturdy gate with a length of
pipe, it was opened by Del P, clothed
in a bed sheet, shivering and sweating
simultaneously. It is a measure of the
talent's spirit that he extended his
hand in greeting and invitation before
bursting into tears.
I stared at Del P like he was fine
print. The Bloody Mary was giving me
gas I like to think of it as the residual
on breakfast.
"I am sick," he said. "I have no
money for medicine, even for apples.
I would try eating grass, but as you
see," he gestured around the bare
apartment, "there is none around
here."
This was a guy who should have
been lunching at the Four Seasons
and who would have had his own
table at Elaine's were it not for the
larcenous activities of filthy beret
Girondist. I felt like canceling the
frog hoy s options indefinitely with
his own letter opener.
I used Akbar's phone to order
steaks, apples, and a doctor. We had
just time to eat the steaks and for
Akbar to finish his fortieth apple
when the doctor arrived.
The doctor was a soft-spoken, welldressed Park Avenue physician of my
acquaintance, who examined Del P
with much tongue-clucking. He concluded his examination by administering sixteen vitamin shots to the
patient's backside, and offered the
diagnosis that the patient was suffering from poverty as a direct result of
having his royalties spent by others.
After the doctor left, Del P produced a couple of cigars that looked
and smelled as if they should have
had corn in them, and began to
reminisce about the clays he spent in
Paris and the talent he had known
there. I had to say come back on that
when he told me about Terry Southern
selling everything but Martian T V
rights for five bills, and I actually
cried like a baby when he described
the circumstances surrounding
Lolita's sale.
After a little prodding, Del P told
me Griondist was really not operating
much now; in (act, he was in New
York, making thing easier for me if I
did decide to cancel the scumbag's
options. He mentioned in passing that
Girondist had a spiritual successor.
Name, Jean Francois Pissoir, publisher of a French "satire" magazine
called Dinde Din Don. I signed
Akbar on the spot, put him on hold,
and by two o'clock I was on a plane
to Paree.
Paris is a big city, at once one of
the most beautiful and most deadly in
the world. The slums of Paris can be
as dangerous to walk through as they
would be if they were dropped on
your head. According to the information my secretary had given me over
the car phone on the way to Kennedy,
it was there I must go. The offices of
Dinde Din Don (Little Turkey) are
located in the heart of the uin
ordinaire district on the notorious
Rue de la Plonc.
At the Orly cabstand, the first
sixteen drivers refused the trip.
Finally, I located a courageous Gascon
continued
on vase
83
*b
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AIWA
Distributed in the U.S. by: MERITON ELECTRONICS INC., 35 Oxford Drive, Moonachie, N.J. 07074
Distributed in Canada by. SHRIRO (CANADA) LTD., Montreal 256, P.Q. Canada
Do You Believe
In lunk After Death?
Funk upon a t i m e . . .
. . . in t h e days rof t h e F u n k a p u s , t h e concept of
specially designed afronautscapable of funkatizing
galaxies was first laid on man child, but later r e possessed and placed among the secrets of the pyramids until a more positive attitude could be obtained.
There in t h e s e terrestrial projects, it, along with its
co-inhabitants of Kings and Pharaohs, would wait
like sleeping beauties for the kiss that would awaken
them to multiply in the image of the chosen o n e . . .
A .
( '
J ' I
r**
11M.
_J=ffi.
~\
I W C l U t A ^ C
[ADVERTISEMENT]
[ADVERTISEMENT]
L o n g t i m e c o n s u m e r w a t c h e r s will be
forgiven their astonishment if they stare
g o g g l e - e y e d at the suave, tinted-eyeglass-sporting daredevil taking the hairpin turns of T i n s e l t o w n ' s M u l h o l l a n d
Drive at 95 miles an hour, with the baremidriffed, braless h o n e y b l o n d e at his
side playfully licking his t a n n e d cheek.
T h e K o n s u m e r King has s w i t c h e d
from $80 off-the-rack black D a c r o n
suits to colorful $650 M e l a d a n d r i c u s t o m j o b s ( " T h e w o r k m a n s h i p and safety standards are especially h i g h , "
Nader notes), a n d his earless days are
as past as a b a c k d a t e d c a r t o n of milk,
s u p p l a n t e d by the Mercedes 450-SL he
p u r c h a s e d after extensive research.
( " I t ' s the most c r a s h w o r t h y car in
A m e r i c a . " Ralph says p r o u d l y , displaying p h o t o s of d e m o l i s h e d M e r c e d e s
with driver a n d passengers intact.)
64 N A T I O N A L L A M P O O N
l#iill
i m
*$&*%.*.
.'-/'-
, - , _ :
'
^iK>P
trgg
i V
^^BK
'^fr^m'
'
'*"
* i " m y ' - * -
; W>^-"^-,'
^^^^^^^
I
a
Super-Ralph
combines
hisi newfound
Out on a shopping spree at Chalet
Gourmet, Ralph eagle-eyes the goodies
for strict adherence to unit-pricing and
Truth-in-Packaging Act, as Shawn
playfully caresses her proposed
late-night snack.
according to my needs," he told a visitor recently. "I have lived life with reverence and joy, yet have surrounded
myself with suffering and death to'
remind me that we are indeed all
mortal."
When his sentence is over, Bergman
plans "a new life, stripped of false values." He has already sold his nursing
homes for $7,896,338, and plans a sale
of the personal effects of those
"patients who are no longer with us."
Then, after a six month world tour with
Cindy, including a visit to Israel, where
he finds "a sense of mission and passion that is equalled nowhere else,"
Bergman plans his newest venture:
child-care centers.
"I have worked at one end of the life
cycle for too long," he opines over a
modest lunch of terrine of brisket, trout
amandine, and a chilled bottle of Pouilly Fuisse '66, which he bills to Medicaid
as a nutritionist consultation. "Now it is
time to begin with the other." Bergman
ADVERTISEMENT
FOR BERGMAN,
A REVERENCE FOR LIFE,
AN OBSESSION WITH DEATH
[ADVERTISEMENT]
nn
tJL
F a t h e r , O F a t h e r It, may be that father
knows best on TV, but it isn't the way
Washington bureaucrats are viewing the latest venture of Notre Dame Prexy Theodore
("call me Ted") Hesburgh, 59. Hesburgh
was rudely interrupted during his nationwide promotional tour for his fast food franchise, Hesburghers (37 stores in 19 cities
with a projected first year gross of $2.3 million), by a Consumer Alert issued by the
president's consumer advisor Virginia ("ca
me Ginny") Knauer, 61. The head fed said
that the Hesburghers, featuring a communion wafer inside a sesame seed bun, "did
not meet federal fast food standards. And
the advertising, promising a 'heavenly
meal,' clearly implied something more substantial." Would you settle for transubstantial, Ginny?
W e l c o m e B a c k , C a r t e r Apart from an
occasional chair-warming on the guesthopping circuit, onetime TV regular Jack
Carter. 53, hasn't been popping up on the
boob tube of late. But that's going to
change. Universal-TV has signed the ebullient Carter to star in a dramatic made-forTV movie entitled The Schmuck. As outlined by scripter Bo ("call me Bo")
Goldman, The Schmuck is "a story about a
loud-mouthed, utterly talentless, mean-spirited, and scabrous lout who turns a repellent personality and complete and total
oafishness into a thoroughly unmerited
career as a so-called 'comic' " Carter says
he is studying the work of Sheckey Greene
"to get a feel for the character, no offensive to the faygelehs, ha-ha-ha."
O O
Father Hesburgh:
Oh dad, poor dad
OopsED.
Jack Carter:
Takes one to know
Kudos to your editors, writers, and photographers for that warm look into another side
of the First Family ("Jerry, Betty, Susan,
and Jack Say 'Bottoms Up' to Sigmoidoscopic Checkups"), but just to set the
record straight: I am not the president of
the United States; nor is that infamous theater in Washington named after me.
Henry Ford II
Grosse Pointe, Mich.
68 NATIONAL LAMPOON
story.-ED.
lAJJjjJJ
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[ADVERTISEMENT]
_ ayage
Christina:
by R. Bruce Moody
Greetings
ollowing an unusually long period
of unemployment, Jack Okalee of
Iowa ate, roasted with Maine potatoes and served lor Christmas dinner,
his second but youngest child,
George. He still, it is true, has eleven
other children.
onald Welsh of Fairbanks wired
his mother lor Christmas.
W h e n he turned on the switch, she.
after a pleasant interval, died.
Switches by Leviton.
*
n Christmas morning, Josie
("Gaga") Davidson awakened
her parents with a carpet beater. This
message comes to you as a public
service announcement from Hoover
Vacuum Cleaners, Inc.
*
pals are not my stone," announced Eva Fring, as she threw
the Christmas present in the lace of
her patron, the well-to-do Diccadoo
Cardboard Carton distributor from
Macon, Ga. One of the opals was
found imbedded nine inches in a
stucco wall, and had to be removed
with an ice pick. The other was
found imbedded in his brain, and had
Swaddling
Clothes
othing would do, but that she
must have sables lor Christmas.
With perfect lips, she framed her
desire.
Her husband developed a slight
scowl and agreed at once, as he
always did, to make her shut up, not
because she nagged, she didn't, he
was rich, she got what she wanted at
first asking, sometimes before, but
because he couldn't stand the sound
of her voice, which to him was like
that of one dying of Drano.
Drano, he mused, why Drano?
W h y Christmas?
continued
N A T I O N A L LAMPOON 73
[ADVERTISEMENT]
Savage Christmas
continued
"Why-"
" W h y this rash expenditure on
the birthday of O.L.!" said the
bishop. " W h a t beautiful lips you
have. The facts are as follows.
"There is nothing inside the
church which does not advertise the
church. Don't say a word. All you
IADVKRTISF.MKNT]
closeup and parted as if finally to say.
"What? I ask you, pray, what could
become a legend more?"
e* 6)
The Horse
*
ilfredda Cunningham (ae.
eighty-two) was wounded by
the explosion of a present from her
grandchild on Christmas morning.
She was burned slightly on the right
arm. The child's name is withheld
due to her extreme youth. The device
was secreted in a cake with strawberry
filling. A Gold Medal Flour Award
recipe. T h e incident occurred at
Roxbury, Mass.
it again.
The sleigh moved forward smoothly, Jocelyn the mare snorting
Boanergean plumes of steam into the
night and wa/ming to a willing trot.
"Bergville Bugle," Abby read off
.ADVERTISEMENT]
Savage Christmas
continued
Quarters."
Jocelyn shifted her hind quarters
and broke into a canter down the
road, which now skirted the sheer
face of the mountain.
"No guardrail makes me just gulp!"
shrieked Patience.
"Swallow my scrotum," said Rufus.
"Rice Krispies," read Abby "Jamison's. A Mile and a Quarter."
Jocelyn broke into a full gallop,
her rump foaming in the wind.
The sleigh skeetered wildly from
side to side of the road. Faster and
faster it went. The road grew icier.
T h e way more narrow. The stars
flashed by.
The sleigh was out of control.
"Oh God!" cried Patience.
" A blow job!" begged Rufus.
" A Christmas Kiss"
" O h Jesus!" cried Patience.
"A booh. " pled Rufus.
" A Yuletide Buss "
"Hold me!" cried Patience.
" A bush!" whined Rufus.
"Awaits the Chap "
continued
76 NATIONAT, T,AMPOON
on page 90
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N A T I O N A L L A M P O O N 81
TTsToK
l&WNlJHE AcneSS)-AND
ENDS EMSfrTTHB TIN UJHiSJie cfiF LuiTH PAT AND HIS EAVr//VC S/S7& KATIE /
THE SECONDSxiEsrlADY
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82 N A T I O N A L L A M P O O N
[ADVERTISEMENT]
Secret Agent
continued from page 52
AKAI
began to bay on the other side. The
footsteps of a heavy man could be
heard approaching, and the door was
opened suspiciously lew inches.
" W h a t do you want?"
"You Jean Franqois Pissoir?"
" W h o ' s asking?"
"Baum. Agent Baum."
Garlic boy tried to slam the door,
but before he could get it half shut,
the pacemaker was on ten and I gutpunted the chubby dirtbag backwards.
He pinwheeled over a desk and came
down, two hundred pounds of larcenous lard, on top of one of his truffle
mutts, canceling the bark tube's contract for keeps.
-ADDRESS-
CITY.
.STATE
-ZIP_
NATIONAL LAMPOON 83
[ADVERTISEMENT]
84 NATIONAL LAMPOON
(ADVERTISEMENT]
Secret Agent
continued
Johnny 'Guitar' Watson's new album, "Ain't That A Bitch", is definitely a bitch. Johnny's been on the
scene for days, and days. He's gone
from '50's L.A. style Blues to mainstream jazz to fusion jazz to his own
creationBodymusic'.'
He produced, wrote and arranged the songs, played keyboards,
guitar, bass and all the vocals. You'll
pardon him if he's very pleased with
his work. After all it is a bitch.
"Ain't That
A Ditch"
Johnny
Guitar'
Watson.
[ADVERTISEMENT]
mmiPfo
?ASS WE MVTVAl .
ASSISTANCE TfZEATf:
WERE. W E / \ P t .
v,
It
86 NATIONAL LAMPOON
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SINCE T I M E IMfWEMORIAU*
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BY PRUCe CDCHR3N
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PAPERS, Department NL1276
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WAS NEVEH LIKE THIS. A
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more. Descriptive Booklet Enclosed.
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52578X. E.C. HORROR COMICS OF THE 1950'S.
Ed. by R. Barlow & B. Stewart. Full Color on
Nearly Every P a g e . The originals a r e now
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the most astonishing a n d a p p a l l i n g E C . comic
stories reprinted in their entirety in lull color.
This phenomenal over sized vol. contains not
only the stories, but also such info, a s titles.
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From the Crypt, more. 10% x 14.
Only $24.95
518341. VERY SPECIAL PEOPLE: The Struggles,
Loves a n d Triumphs of Human Oddities. By F.
Drimmer. 66 Photos. True a n d fascinating stories,
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h u m a n s , many of whom filled the sideshows of
our circuses a n d carnivals, incl. giants, dwarfs,
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Orig. P u b . at $6.95
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Special Value Only $4.98
1
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[ADVERTISEMENT]
Savage Christmas
continued
from page 76
*
ushing downstairs to open their
\ - packages, Billy Cadogan pushed
his sister Jenny, who fell, catching
him on his pajamas in such a manner
that he landed on top of her, crushing
her skull. Master Cadogan then
opened presents for two. However,
he rejected a Barbie Doll, whose skull
he also crushed.
Secret Agent
continued
Iron: page 85
hat are those people complaining of!" Mrs. Wilbur Gordword said, concerning the survivors
of her Christmas cake whose candied
cherries wiped out a gathering of
twenty-four distant relations to whom
she had sent it. "Christmas comes but
once a year!" Buy Union Approved
Baked Good Products.
90 NATIONAL L A M P O O N
ollector's
Items
JULY. 1975/3-D ENTERTAINMENT: With t'agiiag Mag. The Vespers ol 1610. Hoilywooa.
Hooray Vei Brooks is Goa Airpori 69 ana Gliller Bums
AUGUST, 1975/JUSTICE: With Ihe Rockefeller Attica Reporl. CoOe ol Hammurabi Citizen's
itresi Magazine Inherit Their Wind, ana Wor'a Night Court
SEPTEMBER. 1975/BACK TO COLLEGE: With Ihe Vassal Yearbook. Football Preview
Scholastic Scams Academic Ploys, and ihe Esquire Parody
OCTOBER, 1975/COLLECTOR'S ISSUE: Wilh Pornography lor Ihe Dumb. Underwear lor Ihe
Deaf Myth and Legend Mirror, tne Mayo Clinic and The mlamous Cuban Homo Farm
NOVEMBER, 1975/WORK: Wnh Ferdinand the Bulldozer Tne Kitchens ol Sara Lee. Trail ol
I ens ->"'' i~g and Hue it\e Hanaicappea
DECEMBER, 1975/MONEY: Wnh The Greal Pnce War Entrepreneurs ana a Fortune parody
JANUARY, 1976/SECRET ISSUE: With Jackie's Dale with Destiny The Nev. York Reviev. ol
Books parody IRA Comics. Couched n Secrecy, and The Conspiring Photographer
FEBRUARY, 1976/ARTISTS AND MODELS: With Simply
Picasso Art Dreco Clowning
Around w l h Tils, the ARTnev/s parody ana Ihe Lincoln. Nebraska. Cenier lor Ihe Perlorming
Arts
MARCH, 1976/IN LIKE A LION: Oul with Blow Me. Ihe Snull Movie Turtle Farms, ana Ihe Monly
python oaroay
APRIL, 1976/SPORTS: Wnh Dogfishing. Silver Jock. The Glory ol Their Hindsight, the U S
Olympic Handbook, and ihe Puck Slops Here
MAY, 1976/FOREIGNERS: With The Times ol Indira. Foreigners around the World. EEC
Whatever Happened to Vieisitsname. and Ihe Culture Vultures section
JUNE, 1976/75th ANNIVERSARY: Wnh Kelauver High School Reunion The Story ol Douglas
Aircraft. Chr-s Miller s Ai the Movies. Canadian Weakly and another Bernie Xpose
JULY. 1976/DOWN HOME: Willi E-Z Rider Calhouse on Wheels southern literature. Christian
Crusade' Weak!; a map ol Ihe New South, and Pickers n Kickers magazine
AUGUST. 1976/COMPULSORY SUMMER SEX: With Marilyn Chambers. Lite on Uranus. The
Hustler parody a portlono ol Sam Gross, and Early American Fucke Art
SEPTEMBER, 1976/THE LATEST ISSUE: With a complete list ol Bad Words Weslern
Romance Par! Three. Brave Dog Magazine, and Ihe relurn of both Uncle Buckle and Ihe
cat hammerer
OCTOBER, 1976/THE FUNNY PAGES: Willi a four-page lull color Nuls. the Aesop Brothers
on honeymoon verman. Sherman the Tank. Ods Bodkin, and dozens ol other comics and
cartoons
NOVEMBER 1976/SPECIAL ELECTION YEAR ISSUE: Is Democracy l i x e d ' The complete
slory ol the Towiivillc campaign, starring Ford and Carter look-alikes, wilh Ihe traditional bribery
corruplion, and natural gas
Issue
No of copies
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No o l copies
Sept.. 1973
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June,1974
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Aug .1974
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Oct.. 1974
Nov.1974
Jan... 1975
Feb. 1975
Mar . 1975
Apr , 1975
May. 1975
Mar . 1972
A p r . 1972
1972
May.
1972
July.
1972
Aug .. 1972
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A p r . 1973
May. . 1973
June 1973
July. 1973
Aug..
Issue
June. 1975
July. 1975
Aug.. 1975
Sept.. 1975
Oct.. 1975
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N A T I O N A L L A M P O O N 91
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Confusions of an Ad Man
continued
-fr
from page 49
^jpd> HI-CORDS
hours in meetings today with the account people and the research group
on some buzz words lor Scott toilet
paper. That was my day. I wrote one
new word. Big deal. Tonight I'll come
home and I'll be lucking exhausted.
All I do is eat dinner, talk to the
wife and kid lor a while, and fall
asleep in front of the T V set. I'm a
zombie. Writing one word takes a
lot out of ya.
When you're bored, you get tired
faster. Boredom is very enervating.
I know, man. I know. That's why I
gotta do my screenplay. It's the only
way I'll ever get out of this fucking
business. I'm tired of being a hired
gun.
What are you writing?
It's hard to describe. It's like a combination love story and comedy, with a
lot of action in it.
Sounds niceIf I tell you what it's about, don't say
anything to anybody. You know how
easy it is to get ripped off. Anyway,
it's like a takeoff on Taxi Driver. Did
you see that movie? Great fucking
movie. My story is about a pair of
identical twin brothers who buy a
cab. One drives it by day, the other
by night. And they each have these
crazy adventures and they fall in love
with the same girl who thinks they're
one and the same guy. It's a crazy
idea. It's still mostly in my head. I got
a lot of notes on it. I shpritzed the
idea to this movie lawyer and he
Hipped. He can't wait to get my outline. He says he can get big bucks for
me to write the screenplay. W h o the
fuck knows? It's all a crapshoot, man.
One out of a million scores. Everyone
I know is writing a screenplay. I d
like to have a dime for every screenplay in every copywriter's drawer on
Madison Avenue. Or if they don't
have a screenplay, they've got an outline or a treatment or an outment or
treatline or whatever they call it.
They all want to get out and score
Hollywood. They're all working on
their screenplays during office time
like me.
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Patty adored being on
"Hollywood Squares." "It's
so. you know, corny," she
explains, "but so sophisticated, too. Paul Lynde is a
darling. He really is. And I
got to be the secret square!"
mu&
Patty loves Marvin Hamlisch and Scott
Joplin. but says there's nothing
between them. "There's nothing
between us." she says, "we're just very
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stuff, mostly. Like philosophy.
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ethics? They go with everything. "
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standing around!" 8. Soon it's
evening. "At heart. I'm a stay-athome. I really don't get out much
anymore. But I do love to dress
up. I guess, like most of us. I dress
for other women."
bed
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up, man.
It was all tied together with my
in hall. They were checking every
writing problem, you know. I mean,
penny we spent. T h e streets were
my writing was my way of getting a
lined with copywriters, art directors,
hard-on. You know what I mean? I
producers, account men it was wall
could always get a hundred ideas a
to wall unemployment. Once in a
minute. Like, I could always get it
while a job opened, but in Chicago or
up, get the ideas up. That's why I
Cleveland or Dallas. W h o the fuck
always hated the advertising business.
wanted to go out of town? Everybody
Because it was so fucking easy for me
went nuts. Everybody got very
to come up with ideas. I mean, the
political, remember? Very protective
whole business is like that. It s all so
of their accounts. Very paranoid. The
fucking slick and easy. One idea is
agency business got very uptight.
just as good as the other. There's no
Everybody was afraid of getting fired
real difference. You could just say
if they did one commercial that
Polaroid is a nice camera and still
didn't have the product on screen for
sell a million Polaroids a year. You
sixty seconds. Nobody was having
don't have to be clever. But I used to
any fun anymore. Even the dope
be so fucking clever. I was arrogant.
supply dried up. Everybody got very
A real wiseass. Because I had conserious, or half-serious. Man, I used
tempt for the business. The whole
to get ideas like Niagara Falls. Nonbusiness of advertising as an art was
stop. I could do an entire campaign
just a big front, a big rationale to
in a half a day. I once knocked off
cover up the contempt we all had for
nine print ads in one morning. Three
it. Deep down, we all hated it. So we
of them ended up winning awards. I
went out of our way to be clever, to
thought I was a bottomless well of
parody old movies in our commercials,
ideas'. And I could design ads as well
or do all kinds of tricky photography.
as most art directors. Between you
And if you ran out of ideas, you
and me, there's only three or four
commissioned someone to write a
good art directors in the whole
song, a jingle. W e told each other
business. Most of them have an IQ of
how wonderful the business was beabout minus nine and can barely
cause we could take so many trips
choose a typeface, much less come
when we shot commercials. We
up with an idea. So when I developed
lived for the trips. A lot of us even
my writer's block, when I started to
had steady girl friends in California
dry up, I thought I was going to join
because we'd go there every month.
Cushing and take a pound of Seconals. Remember L.A. in the late sixties?
I was a fucking basket case for three
W e once had a party that lasted for
months. Took uppers, downers, and
nine days. W e had just finished a
in-betweeners. Had to give up my
long shoot, a two-minute commercial
apartment on East Sixty-third, my car,
that took three weeks to shoot. I
my summer house, almost everything.
don't remember why. W e must have
I had to move to a tiny apartment on
had a lot of rain days. Anyway, we all
the West Side, and on top of everydecided we needed a vacation after
thing I was impotent. I don't mind
that, and we rented a house in Malibu
saying it. I'm not ashamed of it. Hapand just partied for almost two weeks
pens to the best of them. Couldn't
nonstop. Somebody told me that Manget it up for over three months.
son and his family showed up at the
Nowadays, no one cares, but in those
party. I don't remember. I was too
days it was terrifying. I had nightstoned to remember anything.
mares, dreams that I was really a homo
and that men really turned me on. I
That's what we really liked the
had this strange thing about looking
trips, the long lunches, the expense
at men's crotches. I couldn't do it. I
accounts. We liked it until it was three
got very self-conscious about my
in the morning and you were drinking
crotch or other guys' crotches. I
Margaritas that were giving you
didn't want to even pass my eyes over
heartburn and smoking dope that
them. I couldn't take a piss in a public
wasn't making you high I mean,
bathroom if someone else was in the
that's when we used to look at each
room. I was ashamed of my dick, man.
other and say, " W h a t the fuck are
I hated it. I thought it let me down.
we doing in this business?" God, I
It took me a long time to realize that
used to sit in the Polo Lounge of the
the sickness was in my head, not in
Beverly Hills Hotel at three in the
my cock. My head was really fucked
morning and get an instant ulcer just
thinking about what I did that day.
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W h a t kind of shit I had to go through.
Like casting for a butler who would be
in a cookie commercial, bringing his
master some cookies and milk. Should
the butler be English or American?
Or should he be a rough, tough
gangster type like Mike Mazurki, all
dolled up in a fancy uniform? You
wouldn't believe how many clays we
would argue about what kind of
character the butler should be. He
would be in the commercial for three
seconds, three seconds...saying something like, "Your Nabisco scum wafers,
sir," or something like that.
And we spent days figuring out
what type of butler he should be. As
if anyone really gave a shit.
You'd think we were making Jaws
the way we used to come on. We
would audition a hundred guys to
find a memorable face, like Fellini
does. Except Fellini always found
memorable faces and we always ended
up using the same half a dozen
people. Not too ethnic, but not too
bland. Or if you're using a spokesman,
he had to be dynamic without being
threatening. His face had to be
interesting but not quirky. He had to
inspire trust but couldn't be too slick.
W h o was that perfect guy? 1 never
found him. Gregory Peck wanted too
much money and Gary Cooper and
Spencer Tracy were dead. The client
was never really happy with anyone
we chose. And then, after a while
everybody in your commercial had to
be middle of the road looking with
maybe one token spade, and he had
to be more middle of the road than
anybody.
God, I used to look at my expense
account and throw up. Sheer guilt.
Jewish guilt. I couldn't believe I was
spending all that money over a thirtysecond spot with one or two nice
camera moves, a moderately interesting script, and a couple of actors who
hardly had to do anything. And for
this I was getting a nice salary, padding my expense account, getting laid,
smoking dope, tripping acid, whatever.
Then if I won a Clio for the commercial, I would make believe it was all
meaningful. Bullshit. You know those
awards are just jerkoffs. They've got
one for every category, every type of
.commercial in the business. Everybody wins something.
That's when we started calling the
business a craft. That's what it
probably is, a craft. You do have to
have some skills and taste, but so
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W h e n they open the refrigerator,
they want to see their fucking peanut
butter in there. And milk and Twinkies.
And I want to see my lox and cream
cheese, man. I don't dig starving,
especially with the price of food these
days.
What about you, Sussman? W h y
don't you go write a screenplay or a
novel? Your stuff isn't getting any
better these days. I think the whole
magazine is getting stale. I think you're
repeating the same old shit every
month. I read it every once in a while.
You all used to be much funnier.
What happened to all that craziness?
You guys weren't afraid to take
chances, to dump on anyone. Now
the magazine is so fucking tame I can
send it to my bubbe in Miami Beach.
Don't tell me about selling out, man.
We all do a little selling out. If we
don't, we have to eat supermarket
chicken and fatty hamburgers. Fuck
you, Sussman. Buy your own drink
on the next round.
Shit...I'm sorry. I don't mean to be
judgmental about your situation. I'm
sure you've got your own set of problems. Actually, it's still a pretty good
magazine. I know how hard it is to be
funny every month. Look at the
"Saturday Night" show. They have to
be funny every week. Here, let me
buy you another drink. W h a t are you
doing later? Maybe we can have a bite
to eat. Your person you were supposed
to meet hasn't shown up, anyway.
Listen, man, I got a few numbers I
can call. A couple of girls in my
office, these junior copywriters.
They'd love to go out with me and a
guy from the National
Lampoon.
They love the fucking magazine.
They're like groupies. You want to
get laid? There's a very good chance
you'll get laid.
Fuck me, what am I saying. I really
should go home. I'll miss the 7:54 and
then I'll really be late and I'll have to
make up a phony excuse. Actually, I
love my wife. Great lady. Still has a
better body than 98 percent of the
girls in my office.
Is that your friend over there?
O.K....I guess I better go myself.
Give me a few bucks for your share.
That's fine. Hey man, let's not lose
touch. I'll call you for lunch next
week. Wait a minute, next week I'll
be in London. We're shooting three
commercials in London. It's cheaper
than doing them here. No, no. I never
take my wife on trips. Business is
business. So I'll call you when I get
back. Take care, man. Write funny. D
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N A T I O N A I . L A M P O O N 113
[ADVERTISEMENT!
Elborne WhippetJr.
On Campaign-76
N A T I O N A L L A M P O O N 114
of brown hair.
We have been offered a choice
between three-piece suits and blue
jeans; between Tony Orlando (without
Dawn, in the interests of avoiding a
backlash) and Gregg Allman, surely
one of the greatest singers in American jurisprudential history; between
Sonny Bono and Bob Dylan.
We have been offered a choice
between a candidate who is against
inflation and unemployment, and his
rival, who opposes both unemployment and inflation.
And at the same time, we have
been given a rare glimpse into that
bipartisan, panpartisan, nonpartisan
consensus which forms the bedrock
of our way of life.
Both candidates announced themselves against crime. Both candidates
refused any and all truck with Communists, airport terrorists, hijackers,
swine flu, corn blight, and unconditional surrender of America to
foreign nations.
Thus, the pendulum hangs pendulously between conflict and consensus; between spirited debate on
which road America shall take, and
total unanimity that this ship of state
shall not veer into either the Scylla
of passivity, or the Charybdis of
frenetic hysteria.
And thus, once again, the spirit of
liberty remains undaunted; the skirts
of Columbia remain clean; in an age
when some say this nation seeks to
rape the spirit of the Founding
Fathers, Uncle Sam has once again
kept it in his tricolored trousers.
For this correspondent, it is time
for rest and reflection; time for the
soothing massages of Philip, the
social secretary, amenuensis, and
constant companion; time for the
lectures and books which, fused with
a tax structure properly respectful
of the productive elements of our
society, will demonstrate once again
that this is still a land of opportunity.
And for this nation, it is time for
a moment of self-congratulation:
America, listen to your forebears as
they once again raise a quadrennial
toast from the Elysian fields and
chorus: "Well done, children; well
done." May that toast echo in the
decades, centuries, and millenia yet
ahead.
Of all menthols:
Carlton
lowest.
See how Carlton stacks down in tar.
at thecigarettes
latest U.S. Government figures for:
The 10Look
top selling
Brand P Non-Filter
Brand C Non-Filter
Brand W
Brand S Menthol
Brand's Menthol 100
Brand W 100
Brand M
Brand K Menthol
Brand M Box
Brand K
tar mg./
cigarette
27
24
19
19
19
18
18
17
17
16
nicotine mg./
cigarette
1.7
1.5
I 3
1.3
1.2
1.2
1.1
1.3
1.0
1.0
Carlton
Menthol
1 mg. tar/"
^
^^/Y/ori
lar mg./
cigarette
15
14
14
13
13
13
11
11
11
11
nicotine mg /
cigarette
1.0
0.8
1.0
0.8
0.9
0.8
0.7
06
08
07
0.2
*0.1
*0.1
lAR-r.
>COT,NE
^ C /
^SZZs.T.^'y
Cqr/tt
Carlton
Filter
2 mg. tar
Menthol: I mg. "tar", O.l mg. nicotine; Filter: -2 mg. "tar", 0.2 mg. nicotine;
Carlton 70's: 1 mg. "tar", 0.1 mg. nicotine av. per cigarette by FTC method.
Sugg. Ret.*
Price
Total Harmonic
Distortion at
Rated Power (Max.)
SA-5760
S799.95
0.08%
1.8/tV
35.7dBf
36.2dBf
FM Sensitivity
IHF '58
Stereo - 5 0 d B *
SA-5560
499.95
0.1
1.8/tV
SA-5460
399.95
65 watts from 2 0 H z - 2 0 k H z
0.1
1.8/iV
36.2dBf
SA-5360
299.95
38 watts from 2 0 H z - 2 0 k H z
0.3
1.9.uV
37.2dBf
SA-5160
229.95
25 watts from 3 0 H z - 2 0 k H z
0.5
1.9.uV
37.2dBf
169.95
12 watts from 4 0 H z - 2 0 k H z
,2.0>V
38.2dBf
SA-5060
0.9
^Technics recommended price, but actual retail price will be set by dealers.
Technics
by Panasonic
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