MAGAZIEKE THAT DARES TO BE

DUMB
*"
pr
a

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How come some expressions don't seem to make any sense? See what we mean as we do a little...
FIGURE OF SPEECH
FIGURIN!
Writer: Murad Gumen
Artist: A! Milgrom
'-!<?
".*.' '**-"*.*;. -
AS EASY AS PIE!
ASSUREASSHOOTIN'!
AS RIGHT AS RAIN!
AS EASY AS TAKING CANDY
FROM A BABY!
ntir
AS WARM AS TOAST! AS CUTE AS A BUG ON A RUG!
Stan Lee
presents
BLOOZE BROTHERS Pg. 6
THE MAGAZINE THAT DARES TO BE DUMB
Vol. 1 No 71 February, 1981
LARRY HAMA
editor
MARIE SEVERIN
art director
JIM OWSLEY
managing editor
JOE ALBELOproduction DANNY CRESPI production manager
NORA MACLIN coverproduction CARL GAFFORD typography
LOUISE JONES nice lady across the hall
MARVIN M. MALLARD cartoon editor OBNOXIO THE CLOWN
complaints ELIOT BROWN, ROBERT CAROSELLA, STU SCHWARTZBERG,
GASPAR THE WONDER PUPPY
staff
BOB LARKIN cover
CRAZY MAGAZINE Vol. 1 No. 71
February, 1981 Issue. Published
monthly by MARVEL COMICS
GROUP, 575 Madison Avenue,
New York, N.Y. 10022. All rights
reserved. Second Class postage
paid at New York, N.Y. and at ad-
ditional mailing offices (U.S.P.S.
378-490). Postmaster: send all ad'
dress change forms to CRAZY
Subscription Dept. c/o above ad-
dress. Price: 75 In the U.S. and
Canada. Subscription rates:
$11.00 in the U.S., $12.00 in
Canada, and $13.00 tor foreign
subscriptions respectively includ-
ing postage. Printed In the U.S.A.
The names, characters, and/
or institutions used in CRAZY fic-
tion and semi-fiction are ficti-
tious. Any similarity between
them and any existing person or
institution (for other than satirical
?urposes) is purely coincidental,
he editors of CRAZY MAGAZINE
and MARVEL COMICS are not re-
sponsible for unsolicited submis-
sions. If you Insist on sending
something anyway, enclose a S.A.
S.E. If you harbor any hopes of
ever seeing your stuff again. And,
even so, expect a long wait. The
editors are not In any way respon-
sible for Obnoxio The Clown, nor
his unauthorized contests. Mr.
Clown's editorial views are not
necessarllly those of CRAZY
MAGAZINE or MARVEL COMICS
GROUP. HI mom.
This periodical may not be
sold except by authorized dealers
and is sold subject to the condi-
tions that it shall not be sold or
distributed with any part of Its
cover or markings removed, nor in
a mutilated condition. All busi-
ness Inquiries should be ad-
dressed to Ed Shukln, Vice-Presi-
dent of Circulation, 9th floor.
A Division Of:
Cadence Industries Corporation
James E. Galton
President
Stan Lee
Publisher
Jim Shooter
EdIlor-ln-Chief
MlltSchiffman
Vice-President, Production
Thea Kerman
Assistant Counsel
SUPER HEROES is a trademark oo-
owned by ihe Marvel Comics Group.
ED DAVIS bach cover
In This Issue:
YES, BUT CAN THEY DANCE?
The Blooze Brothers
(A CRAZY Movie Parody) 6
CRAZY GROSS ENCOUNTERS
Part 1: Pavlovian Pup 12
Part 2: Postal Pugilism 28
Part 3: Pernicious Pistoleros 44
MEAN GREEN TEEN
Teen Hulk {'Nuff Said!) 13
ENDZONEZANIES
Under The Astro-Turf
(A CRAZY Football Parody) 16
OH BEAUTIFUL FOR SPACIOUS THIGHS
When America Becomes Fat City 19
EXCELSIOR, TRUE BELIEVERS!
Marvel Super-Heroes That
Didn't Quite Make it 21
FANTASY VS. REALITY
Part 1
25
Part 2 36
REVENGE OF THE A.V. SQUAD
CRAZY Looks At Assembly 26
ANIMATED ANARCHY
The Kinetic Kids 29
INTERESTING THINGS TO DO
WITH VILE PARTS OF YOUR BODY
Shape Up That Flab 32
WHAT'S GONNA GET CANCELED
IF SKEATES DOESN'T GET FUNNIER?
Howard The Duck
37
PUERILE PUZZLES
FOR PERVERSE PINHEADS
Obnoxio The Clown Fun Pages 40
LARGE LIZARD LYRICS
Rock 'N Roll With Behemoth Jack 42
LET'S GO HOME AND WATCH RADIO
W.A.R.P. InCincinutty
(A CfiAZYT.V. Parody)
45
SUPERHEROES
KINETIC KIDS
WARP INCINCINUTTY Pg. 4!
STAR BORES
You Rebel Fools!!!
I, Baba Fett, wish to inform you that
I despise your "Empire Strikes Out" par-
ody, which you presented in issue #66. I
have three (count 'em) reasons for hating
it so.
First; you have left me out of the
cover and story (Jabba the Hut is person-
ally out to kill Paul Kupperberg)!
Second; those rebels you call 'droids'
are not fit to be on the same cover as
Milord Vader!
And third; the pitch on the cover
wasn't even a strike! It was a ball!!!
We are sending all our available war-
ships to laser-blast you guys to kingdom
come (by the way, where is that?)!
Baba Fett
Somewhere In The Galaxy
Dear Crazy,
Well, you idiots messed up this time!
Come on! A Star Wars parody without an
outer space scene or battle? Why not try it
again and get it right next time.
Michael Bisbee
Livonia, MI
Dear Fools,
I just bought my first and last issue
(#66, the genuine #66) of your magazine. I
only bought it because of your satire of
The Empire Strikes Back, which is okay,
considering.
1 hope you print this, because I want
all of your subscribers, both of them, to
know what I think of your foolish maga-
zine. I have to admit that Mad is consid-
, erably funnier and slightly more sophisti-
cated.
Jane Naughton
Westminister, CA
P.S. "Bread of Frankenstein" was almost
enough to make me heave.
Hey Jane. . . are you giving us the old
heave-ho...

Ed.
Crazy,
I only bought issue #66 because I
loved The Empire Strikes Back. Why did
you make your satire of the movie so
corny? Oh well, there goes 75C.
Susan Sanders
Tigard, OR
Hey Sue... are you reading this?
There goes $1.50! Ed.
Dear Crazys,
Boy you guys really know how to
spell! In issue #66, on page 11, you spelled
knight kinght!
Kevin Lopekas
Parchment, MI
What can we say? We had a rough
knight! But, seriously folks, there was an
overwhelming favorable response to our
Empire... satire, and we don't have
enough room to print the literally hun-
dreds
ofletters we've received.

Ed.
REGINALD FOOTER'S REVENGE
Dear Crazy,
I loved "The Kitten Who Lost His
Nose" by Reginald Pooter. However, I
think you switched the two pictures with
Wise Old Mr. Plastic Surgeon (how do
you guys think up such weird names?).
And also, why would Wise Old Mr.
Clown's (gadzooks! Another weird
name!!) parents want to lynch him in the
first place?
Daniel Barnett
Garland, TX.
Idiots,
I have here your Crazy magazine #66
(the real #66), and 1 agree with Steve
Skeates' mom. I think the man is good,
great, hilarious, and stupid! But I love his
Children's Classics - especially "The
Kitten Who Lost His Nose"!
Steve Skeates' Fan
Richard Beaver
Manassas, VA
How many other Steve Skeates Fans
do we have out there? Tell you what, next
time you write us, write "I Love Steve
Skeates!" on the envelope as a show of
support for this great writer (and also
make his mom happy). Letters with this
on the envelope will get opened first, so
start writing, folks! Other "Kitten..."
lovers included Jody Marshall of Kent,
WA; Paul Oceguera of CA; Artie Bouvier
or LA; Ruth Fisher of Cheswick, PA;
David Caparelliotis
of Framingham, MA;
Max Gross ofDetroit, MI; Kim Daoust
of
Haslett, MI; and Michael D'Addario of
Rahway, NJEd.
WHAT'S BLUE AND GREEN AND
DEAD ALL OVER?
Dear Crazy,
Issue #66 must have been the fun-
niest issue tn Crazy history! I thought
"Sea-Baboons" was fabulous. Not just
the parody, but the way they taste.
Dropping a textbook on them was cute,
but I find throwing them live through
screen doors most delightful. "The Kitten
Who Lost His Nose" was even more
hilarious. I couldn't stop laughing.
Ethan Davis
Vancouver, B.C.
Dear Sirs:
Enclosed you will find a copy of
September's back cover of Crazy. I
cannot believe that you could have pub-
lished such a thing. It seems your com-
pany is completely devoid of taste or
integrity. What a horrible sadistic picture
you paint for children. My son usually
buys your magazine because he finds them
funny, he was very upset about this ad.
You might say that of course it's all make
believe and we should teach our children
to differentiate (sic) between fact and
fiction, do children really have to be given
this sadistic fiction simply because it's
make believe. I can assure you I will never
let him waste his money on another
Marvel Comic again.
Karen Nielsen
No Address Given
Hey... hey kid. Does your mom dress
you funny, too? Other "...Baboons"
letters were penned by Sammy lahoz
of
Corona, NY; and Jerry Walker
of
Hammond, LA

Ed.
HATE LETTERS OF THE MONTH
Dear Crazy,
1 think your magazine is absolutely
disgusting! You are sickening perverts-
all of you are! Your magazine is a dis-
grace to humor! You should get some
advice from Cracked!'.!!!! I personally
think no one could be so disgusting as to
make fun of death !!!!!!! Maybe when you
die your magazine could do an article on
Larry Hama The Dead Pervert, who just
happens to be your editor! Your sick
editor, that is! Your articles are com-
pletely disgusting, your magaazine doesn't
really involve humor just gross trash,
that you call humor!
Most of the time you don't even print
letters like this, and when you do, you
don't even have enough guts to answer
them! YOU MAKE ME SICK! ! ! ! !
!
Teri Hopper
No Address Given
Dear Crazy,
How could you print such bad things.
Don't you believe in God. You are in
sane. Why don't you print nice and funny
things instead of gross and terrible things.
God didn't put you in this world to be
cruel to others. I hate Obnoxio, he is very
very ugly and he looks like a devil. People
know clowns to be happy or sad and nice
but not mean to them. When you named
your magazine Crazy, you should of put
Stupid and Cruel. You will go to hell.
Why don't you think about what you
write. I mean really. You better print this
letter so I can see if you read it. The way I
got the book was my brother found it in
the trash with a whole bunch more. I seen
ya'll (sic) before on Kids Are People Too!
but you write crummy. By the way your
magazine went back in the trash.
Susan
Fort Worth, TX
OBNOXIO'S ABUSE COLUMN
ATTACK OF THE WHOLE WHEAT
MONSTER
Crazy,
I just finished reading ish #66. I loved
the "Living Bread". Why not do "Living
Booze"?
Jack De Couray
Newcastle, NH
Dear Sirs,
In issue #66, the "Bread
of
Franken-
stein" parody, the monster stated at one
point that the capitol of Kentucky was
Louisville. He was in error. The capitol is
Frankfort . I should know. I live in
Kentucky.
Mike Morgan
Murray, KY
So? What do you want? A biscuit?
Similar missives were sent by Scott Webb
of
Covington, TN; Lori dock of West
Jefferson, OH; and Randy Myers ofFree-
port, IL

Ed.
SPACE FILLER
Crazy,
I don't know much about humor.
But, then again, you don't, either.
Jill Bartesh
Denver, Co
Hey, Jill, do you know this guy
named Jeff...?Ed.
Dear Crazy,
I don't know Jeff Lilly, but I figure
I'll get this letter printed if I mention his
name.
Wade Karlin
Riverhead, LI
Dear Obnoxio,
They say you can't judge a book
by its cover, and that was my
thoughts when I bought your stinking
magazine for the first time. However,
Crazy magazine
especially your so-
called "Fun Page"
was so sicken-
ing that I almost threw up.
When I threw your magazine out,
the sanitation department not only
refused to collect it, but also sent a
police officer who fined me $15 for
dumping obscene garbage in a public
garbage can. Crazy stinks! Get lost,
you bums!!
Rodolfitos Jara
Queens, NY
"Rodolfitos", huh? Sounds tike a
disease or somethin'. I mean, what
kinda mom would name her kid
"Rodolfitos"? Huh? C'mon, what's
yer real name? Well? It's probably
"John" or "Sam".
I got yer picture, but the printers
wouldn't let me use it 'cuz it might
damage their presses. In th'
meantime, I got it tacked up in my
kitchen to keep th' roaches away.
Helps me stay on my diet, too.
****************
On to the news, gang! Keep yer
little beady eyeballs peeled next ish
for th' all-new Crazy "Draw Baby
Hulk" contest! That's right! All you
would-be artists get a shot at borin'
us t'death with yer scribbles of the
newest member of Marvel's Hulk
family! Wow! Ain't that terrific? Look
fer Crazy #72, on sale January 6.
That's 1981, pea-brain.
-O.T.C.
Address all hate mail to "Obnoxio's
Abuse Column" c/o the address below
(and if you send us your picture, he'll
makefun of
that, too!) Ed.
Warning: Sending
"ublicly. \
ise. High
THE
BLOOZE
BROTHERS
Writer: Paul Kupperberg Artist: Dave Morris
Yeah, Jerk -
1 forgot! Next time,
I'll make sure the beer cans are
full!
J
Hey, this ain't so bad! At least this audience isn't
throwing beer bottles and rotten eggs at us!
--I think 1 kinda miss the
beer bottles and rotten
eggs...!
^SMWmiWM
--But now we're gonna send you back where
you belong! Yeah, you guys thought you could
escape, but we knew you'd have to go back
sooner or later!
Hah! You turkeys have had it!
You're not so big that you can
escape your past-
p^3
...pleeezeee...!!
'/A>-
Nooo! Any-
thing but
this!
^
I
LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'St^-.
SATURDAY NIGHT! ,^SSB
\M/GROSS ENCOUNTERS
PARTI
PAVLOVIAN PUP
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TRAAfSFORMeO
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KNOWNAS
STwiUe
A CRAZY EXPOSE
UNDER THE AST!
Writer and Artist: Arnoldo Franchioni
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When America Becomes
MT CITY,
WM*&
Writer: Michael Peltowski Artist: Steve Smallwood
Going to the beach will be more
covers a lot on a skinny girl but
fun. A string bikini
very little on a fat girl.
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Small cars will no longer be eco-
nomical to drive because they'll
only seat one person.
People will get more for their
money when buying clothing.
Bathroom scales will become
obsolete. No one will care how
much they weigh.
When America Becomes
MT
ITY,
U
Writer: Michael Pellowski Artist: Steve Smallwood
America will save heating oil. Fat people give off
more body heat than thin people... so thermostats
can be lowered.
Going to the beach will be more fun. A string bikini
covers a lot on a skinny girl but very little on a fat girl.
People will get more for their
money when buying clothing.
People on diets will eat to gain
weight!
Bathroom scales will become
obsolete. No one will care how
much they weigh.
ELPERLY MAN REMEMBERS WHEN A
POLLAR WAS WORTH A POLLAR! ELPERLY
MAM REMEMBERS WALKING 16 MILES TO
SCHOOL EVERY PAY! ELPERLY MAN
REMEMBERS WHEN ORSON WELLES WAS
THIN!
THE ONLY THING- ELPERLY MAN HAS TROUBLE
REMEMBERING- IS THE WORP THAT CHANGES
HIM BACK TO WILLY WATSON,..
Bfi.
QUIET SECTION OF
! CITY, A MAM STEPS
>M THE CURB...
I
IN THE EXECUTIVE SUITE
OF A LARGE CORPORATION,
WHITE-COLLAR CRIMINAL
HATCHES AVICIOUS SCHEME.
I'LL MOVE THIS
PECIMAL POINT
ONE PLACE TO
THE LEFT..
..LIST THESE FIGURES
UNPERTHE COST OVERRUN
ESTIMATES WHILE SHIFT-
ING-FOREIGN REVENUES
TO CAPITAL EXPENDITURES,
ANP COMBINE LAST YEAR'S
INVOICES TO THE TOTAL...
...THEN I'LL KEY THE
COMPUTER TO REROUTE
THE FUNPS TO MY
NUMBERED? SWISS
ACCOUNT.
BUT WHITE-COLLAR
CRIMINALHAS RECKONED
WITHOUT C.P.A.AAAN,
CHAMPION OF PROPER.
BOOKKEEPING!
AFTER A RADIOACTIVE
REFRIG-ERATOR FELL ON
FRED FERL1CK, HE AWOKE.
TO FINP HE POSSESSEP
STRANGE NEW POWERS!
FREP FERLICK HAP
BECOME REFRIG-ERATOR
MAN! REFRIG-ERATOR
MAN CAN PISPENSE
ICE CUBES FROM HIS
PANTS
!
REFRI&ERATOR
MAN CAN CU1L.L
DRINKS WITH HIS
UNDERARMS)..
ANP WHEN HE
OPENS HIS MOUTH,
A LITTLE LIG-HT
COES ON!
WAIT'LL
I SHOW
THE GUYS!
REFRIGERATOR MAN
KNEW HE'D BEEN G-IVEN
HIS POWERS FOR SOME
SPECIAL PURPOSE, SO HE
SWORE HE'P NEVER USE
THEM TO FIGHT CRIME.
W
HEY- I PAY MY
TAXES- LET THE
COPS HANDLE ITi
;j;
HE BECAME A SU
BARTENDER ANP F
(SONS- SHOW CONTES
;:
HE PATROLS
THE AIRPORTS
WITH A SMILE
ON HIS LIPS
AND A S-LAZE
IN HIS EYES!
FEATURING-
5ET. MELLOW
AND HIS LA1P-BACK COMMANPOS
MY HEART WAS
POUNDING- LIKE
A -SO ON FULL-
AUTO. IT WAS
AFTER LIG-HTS-
OUT. A RUN-IN
WITH THE M.R5
WOULP &ET US
A WEEK SWABBIN
LATRINES.
IT WAS NIGHT... THE COMMANDOS
ANP I WERE RETURNING- FROM AN OFF
BASE PRINKING- EXPEDITION. WE
WERE TRASHED, TO 5AY THE LEA5T,
THE SQUAD WAS LOST... THE BARRACKS
ALL LOOKED THE. SAME, ANP THE
DARKNESS DIDN'T HELP. NEITHER
PIP THE FACT THAT I COULDN'T
G-ET UP OFF MY HANDS AND KNEES
WITHOUT EXPERIENCING. NAUSEA.
BAD NEWS,SARG-E.
LOOKS LIKE THE
MAJOR'S BEEN
WALKING- HIS DOG-
IN THIS AREA.PISCO
FOUND OUT THE
HARD WAY...
THE GROSS REALITY...
Ny-^
JJf ffikSVL
Artist: Mary Wilshire
CRAZYLooks A
Yeah, but nobody
never said nothln'
about the lamb gettin'
up again!
If you don't stop it,
Moose, I'll tell the
|
[principal on you!
|
Oh yeah? If you tell on
|
me, I'll pound your
head into the side-
walk, wimp!
..of course, it was
|
just a
suggestion...!
What happened to
I you? You look awful!
J'fk
rwrrn^
'
I
,-'-^""~
f]%'^
i
Yeah, Ralph, I tried I
to give up smoking I
once. I tried gum
instead!
Not so good! I
I couldn't keep it lit!
Sure! You can copy my
geometry homework for the
class next period, Dan
!
>vt
S)
I heard that before she
\ became a music teacher
J
Miss Hawthorne was on
the stage!
p\
iW*
I Yeah--she used to i
|
drive one between P
I Laredo and Dodge
City!
Gee, that's real nice of you!
Now I feel guilty-you know, I
I was theone whotold the
'
principal that it was you
who broke the window in
the gym last week!
lifej-i
m
I know! That's
why I'm letting
you copy my
3
homework-I'm
flunking
geometry!
t Assembly
Paul Kupperberg
That s a poor excuse H
for your tardiness, I
young man!
I ^Mlknow... but it was the
|
^H best I couid do on
F^^H such short notice!
You should
know better
than to play
football in the
auditorium,
J
Larry! What do
I you have to say
for yourself?
Well, I would've
had the touchdown
if you hadn'ta'
gotten in my way!
h...yeah--and this
the first time I've
ever been sorry
that I was!
What are you, Murray...
some kind of trouble-
maker?! How come yqu
didn't stand for the
Pledge of Allegiance?
You stuck-up or some-
thing?
No, sir... stuck down! Some
idiot left bubblegum on my
seat!
mk
h
Well, gee whiz,
'
Mr. Farnsworth-
II
the principal did
tell us to take
our seats.
*il:
t<j<
IV >t
Miss Simpson is
so old that on
her birthday,
Abraham Lin-
coln used to get
the day off!
^\
saw Mr. Pozner was having an
argument with kids from that
street gang earlier. Wonder how ,
that turned out...? Where is Mr.
Pozner anyway!?
He's backstage. That's him
--
the
|
one hanging from the rafters--!
M, GROSS ENCOUNTERS
PART2
POSTAL
PUGILISM
HIW6AM6! MY
NAME IS BRISBANE A.NP THESE ARE MV PALS
T/MMY LEO VEWAR ANDBEEZER! WE C>0 WHATEVER WE WANT
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Written and illustrated by Howard Cruse
What is probably the most neglected part of our Now, aided by the modern art of Flabbuilding,
bodies? Flab! We build up our muscles with FLAB IS FIGHTING BACK! So don't hide those
exercise; we whiten our teeth with toothpaste; we droopy sags and pulpy paunches. Stand up and be
pamper our hair with shampoo. But when we are not counted ! Or better yet, stay seated

it uses fewer
ignoring our flab, most of us are cruelly attempting calories. Take charge of that flab and mold a new
to annihilate it. and shapelieryou!
m^S3UIieKB3
Avoid extremes in shaping your flab.
This fellow is an unsightly mess, be-
cause all of his flab has settled in one
end of his body.
This fellow is an unsightlier mess,
His flab has accumulated at the other
end of his body, Flabbuilders should
strive for the "Golden Mean".
This fellow has achieved the
"Golden Mean". Avoiding either ex-
treme, his flab is neatly centered, re-
sulting in an aesthetically harmonious
effect.
(333330208
The serious Flabbuilder will not wait for ftab to happen along, but will engage in rigorous activities to cultivate it.
These drawings illustrate the proper use of a Slant Board.
STEP ONE
Lie down on Slant Board with feet under ankle strap and
hands behind head. Do not sit up.
STEP TWO
Do not sit up again.
STEP THREE
Do not sit up again. Repeat until fatigued. (Start slowly.
With practice, you'll soon be able to not sit up a hundred
times or more with ease.)
Barbells should be used with care. The actual weight is unimportant, so long as the barbell never loses contact with the
floor.
STEP ONE STEP TWO HELPFUL NOTE
In first session bend over, grasp the As with the Stant Board, gradually in- A television nearby will relieve
bar securely, and do not lift it ten crease the number of times that the boredom, and may help develop
times. Barbell is not lifted. pockets of flab in the brain.
No, not Muscle
Tone
" Flab Tone!
Check yours out.
Grab a portion of
loose flab, stretch
it taut over your
lips, and blow
Collecting flab is not enough; it must be shaped.
Dedicated Flabbuilding aims at "living sculpture",
with the body as raw material. Below, an aspiring
Flabbuilder adopts an unusual position in order to
aid the shaping process.
Same RabbuMder worked months to
achieve this more traditional repre-
sentational style.
.:.:
Same ingenious Flabbuilder wowed
fans by incorporating tattoo into con-
temporary erotic centerfoid style.
Final "human sculpture" draws raves from the opposite sex and creates
interesting challenges for hip manufacturers of Designer Jeans.
Then there's the advanced technique popularized by famous Ftabbuilder Arnold Schmartznoggin...
Shown here with trusted pumping
assistant, Arnold's impressive flab
is almost undetectable amid
masses of disgustingly healthy
muscle tissues.
As pumping assistant mans air-
pump, crafty Arnold reveals artfully
concealed flab in his arm, ankle,
little finger and the back of his left
knee.
By tensing well-chosen muscles,
practical-joker Arnold reveals even
more artfully concealed flab in his
surprised pumping assistant.
OSCroCBS&C^uGKS?S^^fiK^03
Champion Flabbuilder Marvyn Florb
amazed dentists by isolating a hither-
Through subtle isometric exercises, Flabbuilders pictured above developed
l
f hi"
S
|"fJ!fr
C
*S^ h
p
ocket of flab in one
flab in the eyesockets, nose, and earlobes.
of his lower teeth.
NOW'S THE TIME TO MAKE YOUR CHOICE!
Shun your foolish friends as
they fritter away their time
and money on health foods
and jogging togs.
Fickle Mr. Muscle
will leave them
high and dry unless
they buckle down
and sweat. But de-
pendable Mr. Flab
will be your de-
voted buddy if you
do nothing at all!
THE FASCINATING
FANTASY...
...AND THE REPUGNANT REALITY.
Artists: Ed Hannigan and Al Milgrom
THE
DUCK
-^"SECTION
STcmi
Lee presents:
Writer: Steve Skeates
Artists: Pat Broderick and Armando Gil
SATIRE
PARODY
SPACE-FILLER
AK/d/c-AKM/C-AK^K/AK-Aft-AK-AK/
j*i
CLOWN
Writer: Virgil Diamond Artist: Alan Kupperberg
I Study the people in \\
I
picture below for or
B
minute, and then tu
the page and see if you can remember what they're doing without looking
EXERCISE
IS GOOD
FOR
YOU
2s-,
Connect the dots and you'll find
out what the school gyn smells
like after 100 students have just
done 60 stt-ups, 70 push-ups, 80
deep knee bends and 90 laps
around a 100 meter track.
I
b
|"This Is Illy Favorite Picture OfThe ITIonUi! "
!
I--OBNQXIO THE CLOWN.
IfifPR&ft
THESEARE THE PUNCHLINES
TO MY FAVORITE JOKES
"They can't throw the dogs
high enough."
"What? In this weather?"
"So how come the milkman
gets to park his truck in
mommy's garage?"
"Shoot the dog! Shoot the
dog!"
"Not you The other one!"
"The cat ate the doves,
Bonjour, brontosaur! it's the beast with the best..
Behemoth Jack... presenting
Writer: David Allikas Artist: Dave Morris
Featuring chartbusters as they sounded before eleventh-hour
revisions!
Here's a band that's been around as long as I have... the
Strolling Stones!
A certain actress with a 4-by-4 inch smile
Made quite a bundle chasing felons, Charlie-style.
She quit to make her movie debut;
That was a slight promotional miscue.
DC
A fledgling actor made an Oscar-winning flick
And then decided that directing was his schtick.
From all the people his movies drew,
That rates as a promotional miscue.
nc
A british rock and roll quintet, long past its prime
Keeps on recording and ignoring Father Time.
They've turned to reggae; disco; punk, too;
A decade-long promotional miscue.
There's more to come, fans... but stick around
anyway!
Listen to Elfin John... followed by Olivia
Newton-Fig!
Oh, little imports
How Detroit detests little imports,
"If you buy a Saab or Voiks
You'll take jobs away from folks
Like you!"
Oh, little imports
"They 're a foreign plot -
little imports;
Tell Japan to fly a kite
And support the red and white
And blue!"
Well, it isn't that I'm no patriot
If I don't drive a Ford or Chevy
-
They've a bevy of sub-compact styles;
But they conk out
After 15,000 miles!
-A^C?
'SB? GROSS ENCOUNTERS
PART3
PERNICIOUS PISTOLEROS
IN
CINCINUTTY
Writer: Murad Gumen Artist: Kent Gamble
I I'm a sexy, desirable woman too! Why does
Janitor get all the attention around here?
Well, Beetle... she's got
three things that you
don't have!
Yeah, her left boob,
her right boob, and
both!
Ooohh! You guys make me so angry
with your crass, sexist remarks! May I
remind you that I don't fit the "beauti-
ful but dumb" stereotype... I got this
job for what I can do!
There are too
many rock and
disco stations in
Cincinutty! As
program director,
I suggest anew
change in format!
So how about
country &
western? That's
getting really
big these days!
Say, that's a great idea! I
loveC&W! Maybe I can
perform one of my favorite
songs on the air!
wnm'""iiHim
I have plans, Mr. Carsize... big plans! How about
starting our new format off with a bang? I'll invite
top-of-the-chart Canny Rogers himself to sing
LIVE!
Mr. Carsize, are you gonna dig this! Here's Canny for his
gig! Why don't you open it up with a number, ol' buddy?
On a cold July's mornin'
On a rowboat tied to a dock
I met up with a gambler
We wereboth too willin'to cheat
You gotta know when to stall 'em
Know when to call 'em
Know when to stalk away
When togo foryourgun
Don't you see, Mr.
Carsize? That's
not Canny
Rogers! Revolta
tried to make a
fool out of you!
THE
LOOK
THAT'S RIGHT!
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JEANS AND
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TO US FOR 12
BIG ISSUES
(INCLUDING
FOUR $1.25
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