First Comes Love Then Comes Marriage Right (How Do We Know If Were Ready) (Article) Author National Healthy Marriage Resource Center

First Comes Love, Then Comes Marriage...Right?
(How Do We Know If We’re Ready?)
How do you know if you’re ready for marriage?

There is some real wisdom behind that childhood rhyme, “First comes love, then comes marriage.” But how
do you know if you are ready? Marriage is a major life decision and with a national divorce rate hovering
around 50%, many people are fearful about this choice. Although no one can tell you if you’re ready to get
married, there are three important things to think about that can help you make this decision.
Understand what marriage is really about

The keys to a successful marriage aren’t a mystery.
Successful marriages are full of love, trust, mutual re-
Successful marriages are full of love,
spect, honesty, and tremendous commitment and dedi-
trust, mutual respect, honesty, and
cation to a “we” way of thinking. Successful marriages
tremendous commitment and dedica-
are not only about how well you, as a couple, handle the
tion to a “we” way of thinking.
hard stuff that will inevitably come your way on a daily
basis (finances, chores, communication, in-laws, sexu-
ality, parenting, etc.), but about how well you protect the good stuff too (fun, affection, friendship, etc.) You and
your partner were attracted to one another and developed a romantic relationship. Romance is like the starter
fluid - it can get a fire burning, but a fire, just like a marriage, needs more than that to grow and sustain itself.
To allow your relationship to grow you need to understand each other on an emotional level. Make sure that
you and your partner have discussed and come to some agreement about the following issues that are keys to
success in marriage:
• Are we going to have children? If so, how many and who will take care of them?
• Do we agree on how our money will be spent and saved? Do

we have mutual financial goals as a couple? Are our individual
financial obligations in order?
• Do we agree on how will we divide household chores?
• Do we have a shared view of how spirituality will play a role in

our relationship and in the upbringing of our children?
• Are we comfortable discussing our sexual expectations,

needs, and fears?
www.TwoOfUs.org TS-16-09
• Do we like and respect each other’s friends and family? Is either of us concerned that these relationships
will interfere with our marriage?
• Can we communicate well with each other (both through speaking and listening) well?
• Have we been able to successfully resolve most problems that have come our way while we have been
dating? Can we talk without fighting most of the time and are we willing to make up after an argument?
• Do we agree on how to spend quality time together having fun and maintaining our friendship? Have we
planned how we will make this a priority?
Examine your motivation to marry

Marriage isn’t a way to live happily
ever after or a way for another person If you are getting married to be free from your
to make you feel complete. parents’ control, to cure loneliness, to be happy,

to have sex, because you feel social pressure, or
for money or security, then you may not be get-
ting married for the right reasons. Marriage isn’t a way to live happily ever after or a way for another person
to make you feel complete. If you know what you want out of life, you’re happy and successful on your own,
and you’re ready to share your future with another, then you’re probably getting married for healthy reasons.
Research also shows that if you prepare for marriage by discussing your expectations and vision for the future,
you have a better chance of being successful. Discuss with each other why you want to marry, what you hope
to achieve as a married couple and what you’ve experienced by watching friends or family’s marriages (or
divorces).
Marriage is not for everyone. Talking with friends, family, a faith leader, counselor or marriage educator may
help you examine your motivation for marriage. Be honest with yourself and your partner about your goals and
expectations. Attend a premarital education workshop to help you explore your feelings and develop skills for
communicating your expectations. About 10 percent of couples who do this determine marriage isn’t right for
them, and that is O.K.
Know your partner well

Truly knowing your partner takes time, shared
experiences, and lots of talking. Marriage is Marriage is very hard to do well, so take
very hard to do well, so take the time to make the time to make sure your partner is the
sure your partner is the one you want to invest one you want to invest in for a future.
in for a future. Here are some important things
to think about in order to know your partner well:
• Does my partner share similar life goals and expectations for marriage?
• Does my partner share similar values and morals for behavior?
• Do I feel comfortable with my partner’s mental and physical health history?
• Do I feel respected, appreciated, and supported by my partner when we interact?
• Do I feel confident about my partner’s commitment to a life-long future together?
• Can I accept my partner for who he/she is today without any hidden agenda to try to change him/her?
• Since the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior, is there anything about my partner’s past be-
havior that concerns me? If so, have I been able to talk about these concerns?
• When I marry my partner, I am also marrying into his/her family. Since people often repeat patterns that
were practiced in families, have I discussed these patterns with my partner?
• Do our personalities seem to fit together well? Do we have similar emotional styles, energy levels, humor,
and education?
• Does my partner exhibit a pattern of emotional stability, reliability and responsibility, and handle changes
well?
Marriage is a life-changing decision. And it should be that—a decision, not something you slide into. It’s a
decision to move toward a shared life with your partner and a willingness to support one another’s needs
and desires. The more you have identified and worked through as a couple before marriage, the better your
chances of having a life-long, satisfying relation-
ship. A great way to explore your relationship and
A great way to explore your relationship readiness is to take a premarital education class.
and readiness is to take a premarital Taking a premarital class together is a good idea
education class. because it can reduce your chances of divorce by
almost a third.
The marriages that survive over a lifetime often follow a certain path and contain common elements. But in our
culture today, we lack what earlier generations took for granted: an optimal sequence for healthy relationships
- romance, then marriage, and then children. The great news if you’re planning to marry is this. Research
shows that people who marry tend to live longer, enjoy higher incomes, have greater personal satisfaction,
enjoy better health, and are generally happier than those who are single or living together.
Thanks to Joyce Webb, PhD., a psychologist with 18 years experience working with couples, for her contribu-
tions to this tip sheet.
Sources I looked at in addition to my clinical work:

CES Marriage and Couples Education Resources package at www.nnh.org/cyfernet/partlchap2.htm.
Questions to Discuss Before You Get Married. About.com http://marriage.about.com/od/engagement/ss/enga-
gedissues.htm
B. D. Whitehead and M. Pearson (2006).Making a love Connection: Teen Relationships, Pregnancy, and Mar-
riage. The National Campaign to Prevent Teen Pregnancy.
Are You Ready To Get Married? http://family.findlaw.com/marriage/.
Sheri and Bob Stritof. Right and Wrong Reasons to Get Married. About.com http://marriage.about.com/cs/
engagement/qt/reasons.htm.
Sheri & Bob Stritof. Lower Your Odds for Divorce Before You Marry. About.com http://marriage.about.com/od/
engagement/a/marriagelast.htm
Questions Couples Should Ask (Or Wish they Had) Before Marrying. The New York Times. http://www.ny-
times.com/2006/12/17/fashion/weddings/17FIELDBOX.html.
J. Van Epp (1998). How To Avoid Marrying a Jerk: The Way to Follow Your Heart Without Losing Your Mind.
www.nojerks.com.
Smartmarriages.com (resources too numerous to list).
Other resources:
NHMRC website
http://www.smartmarriages.com/directory_browse.html for a directory of marriage education courses.

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First Comes Love, Then Comes Marriage...Right?

(How Do We Know If We’re Ready?)

How do you know if you’re ready for marriage?

Understand what marriage is really about

• Do we agree on how our money will be spent and saved? Do

• Do we agree on how will we divide household chores?

• Do we have a shared view of how spirituality will play a role in

• Are we comfortable discussing our sexual expectations,

Examine your motivation to marry

to make you feel complete. parents’ control, to cure loneliness, to be happy,

Know your partner well

• Does my partner share similar values and morals for behavior?

• Do I feel respected, appreciated, and supported by my partner when we interact?

• Do I feel confident about my partner’s commitment to a life-long future together?

Sources I looked at in addition to my clinical work:

Questions to Discuss Before You Get Married. About.com http://marriage.about.com/od/engagement/ss/enga-

Are You Ready To Get Married? http://family.findlaw.com/marriage/.

Smartmarriages.com (resources too numerous to list).

http://www.smartmarriages.com/directory_browse.html for a directory of marriage education courses.

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