Paragraph Rewrite Examples 1
Paragraph Rewrite Examples 1
Paragraph Rewrite Examples 1
REWRITE EXAMPLE 1
ORIGINAL
The biggest issue with stereotyping today would be in the business world. Lets take hiring new
employees as the main problem. It may not always be race that is a deciding factor as much
as it is sex. Some jobs a woman may be hired over a man due to her nurturing nature. On the
other hand a man may be hired over a woman due to the fact that he may be stronger. In
some cases the sex of a person may be the deciding factor on whether they even get a call.
REWRITE
Much of today’s stereotyping takes place in the business world, particularly when hiring
employees. Surprisingly often, sex is more of a deciding factor than race. For some jobs
women may be hired over men because they are seen as nurturers; on the other hand, men
REWRITE EXAMPLE 2
ORIGINAL
The first thing Garland says that needs to be fixed is making kids go to school who don’t want
to be there in first place so they make it hard for others to learn. What is the point of making
them go to school, it is their lives they are screwing up, they will be the ones who regret their
decisions later on in the future. These schools believe the best way to make someone change
their behavior and start going to school is suspension, “Suspension from school for a few days
doesn’t improve their behaviors” they didn’t want to be at school in the first place (101). When
these troublemakers are forced to go to school, they become a distraction and I know this
firsthand how annoying this can be. Not only did I have to deal with these troubles makers in my
classes, my brother was one of them. He didn’t want to be in school so he would skip, be rude to
the teachers, or just not do anything in class. All they do is make “teachers and fellow students
REWRITE
The first thing Garland recommends is forcing those who don’t want to be in school to
attend anyway. First, students who don’t want to attend are doing harm only to themselves
rather than others and will certainly regret their decision later. In addition, school authorities
unknowing assist these students by believing that a fitting punishment for their non-attendance
is suspension. However, as Garland writes, “suspension from school for a few days doesn’t
improve their behavior” because these students do not want attend in the first place (101).
Even worse, when these students are forced to attend, they often become annoying
distractions in the classroom. My brother was a good example of this: since he hated going to
school, he would skip classes, be rude to teachers, or refuse to do any sort of school work. All
he and other students like him did was make learning more difficult for both the teacher and