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| Are you serious, Mom? I prefer Olivia's music. |
For lesbians, mother-daughter incest survivors, and women with dogs who hump their leg, the Swift Corporation is putting out a new album in vinyl to make a killing at Target or Walmart or some big box retailer with a lucrative exclusive contract.
Buy the store version and get extra tracks of "Nazi Barbie" passing wind, burping, struggling like only tortured poets struggle (to come up with AI-quality songs for the masses) with just a touch of narcissism, juvenile pettiness, self-aggrandizing "Ah shucks, I'm just a country girl and pro-LGBTQIA+ Biden-voting, Christian on the right side of history," and a je ne sais quoi, or maybe an "oh 🙄 brother" factor.
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| Seacrest's so excited he sent Sisanie to promote it |
But for dyed in the polyester fans, tune in to Los Angeles' "Swift FM" (KISS 102.7 FM) right at midnight tonight to hear cuts from the album curated by Miss TrayLor herself, Taylor Swift. It will be replayed tomorrow and then for the rest of our lives like a bad Madonna or Milquetoast release. Never has so much been done by so many for so little.
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| I'm still a child at head. I never grew up. |
Song 1, "Fortnight," features Post Malone to help her sell the Lana Del Rey sound-rip off. As the first track, it should be the first single on the record. Is that how it works? Or will it be Post Malone's fans wanting to see what he did (which ain't much) that'll drive sales? "It's very fatalistic," Taylor claims, because it's about fatalism (the anti-karma idea that everything that happens is fixed in advance by fate).
Song 2, "Tortured Poet's Department," is the same gaar-bahge, complaining, talking about things a highschooler would be getting over by graduation at the latest. Are any college coeds aware of her? They like Miley Cyrus, but Swift seems like it's composed by AI for children, nothing much catchy about it like that "sick fat beat" song.
Song 3 is a metaphor, whining about relationships. She's a one trick pony going on about denial and toxicity: "My Boy Only Breaks His Toys." This song is more promising, with a "whoa whoa whoa" refrain and a new drum machine setting, some inflection in the singing, lacking emotional depth or a hook but good confection, instantly forgettable. Eight-year-olds are bound to like it.
Song 4, "Down Bad," is another metaphor, about alien abduction from the time she was "love bombed" by a narcissist then dumped. She's crying, talking about being a suicidal teen too depressed to get out of bed if the ETs won't come back for her. She sure must've gotten her heart broken a lot to whine about it song after song. Female country music singers must hate her. "What if I was in love?" she asks and has no one to tell her to use the subjunctive: "What if I were in love?" She dumbs it down for the kids and the Heartland maybe?
Song 5, "So Long London," is a dreamy kind of Lana Del Rey tremolo talker. Who taught her rhyme? Teach her more. Rhyming couplets of pining, longing, yearning, and being pathetic and clingy but indignant and hot and I will survive, it's a tragedy. Are Lana's attorney's tuned in? This song seems actionable. Big artists have gotten in trouble for less. How hard can it be to write one catchy tune?
Song 6, "But Daddy I Love Him," a string of facile rhymes, end of the world love lost with some emotion but "precocious" "tendrils"? It's like how Shakira had her thesaurus out to help her translate from Spanish to English for Laundry Service. What's Tay Tay's excuse? There are ten more of these junk heap discards pulled out, dusted off, and assembled into "sanctimonious" "soliloquies"? This is the least bad one so far.
Song 7, "Fresh Out the Slammer," is a metaphor of being in jail or prison and getting out to run to a sweetheart with more lameitude in rhyme, as if she finds herself clever and listening to so much Lana that she's drenched in the talent of a single-minded vision and not getting it in any dimension but one, superficial.
Song 8, "Florida," featuring Florence and the Machine, about reinventing herself after heartbreak (again). Where would anyone go to blend in and reinvent oneself? America's dangling participle peeing in the Gulf, right, T-Swift? Florence adds some verve at least and so meta. "Is that a bad thing to say in a song?" "Florida is one hell of a drug," and we drink -- and here the rhyming problem comes up again (yet again), just taking a bunch of rhyming words and say them close to each other like a rapper in the flow just pulling anything in to fill space. Short and sweet. If Lana doesn't sue, this is a good one. Taylor has found the secret, feature Ice Spice, Florence, Post Malone, or anyone to extend her range.
The craze behind tall blonde beauty | Harvard lecture, $64 bil in concert revenue | All About Taylor Swift
(LASSI Studio) March 1, 2024: A lecture called "Taylor Swift and Her World" opened at Harvard. Taylor's concerts generated a $63.5 billion economic impact, also known as "Swiftonomics." She has won the Grammy for Album of the Year three times. This is a video on the ultimate [AI] songstress.
Song 9, "Guilty As Sin," is about crying, whining about a boy, using big words ("paradox"), and having no success in relationships. Is this causing all the bad relationships in the country, or are there so many bad relationships that Taylor is "the voice of an unhappy generation"?
Song 10, "Just Hold Me" (?), a sad song asking, "Who's afraid of little old me? You should be!" The way she makes everything so obvious an pat, the name of this song must be "Who's Afraid of Little Old Me?" because she repeats, so emo and slightly goth with imagery of death, drugs, and depression. There's something here; I can see how this one could be included in 1980s flashbacks or retro emo song lists with what sounds like a live drummer.
Song 11, "I Can Fix Him, No Really I Can," more complaining about a man she loves ("He's my man... I can fix him, no, really, I can.") This is Lana gone West, a real song, a rip off. Does no one else listen to enough Lana to see it? How could the Eras Tour stand having three hours of this pissant urine?
Song 12, "LMNL" (?), more complaining about a bad man she loves against her will, and she adores him, and she criticizes him, and oy vey, does she never stop complaining? This is cr*p, but kids love cr*p, so it will be interesting which of her masterpieces the focus groups will tell the corporate stations to put on rotation and overplay.
Song 13, "I Can Do It With a Broken Heart," almost danceable at the crying party, when we go to comfort Patty who got dumped by Brad. "You're better than him, Patty! Get out of bed and shake him off. C'mon let's go dance and celebrate our broken hearts. It's all a test. You're a tough kid." Wow, it's Sweet Valley High for every song, the weak sauce, celebrating the miserable. At least it's almost over.
Song 14, "The Smallest Man Who Ever Lived," about a Jehovah Witness suit wearing guy who tries to buy some pills from her drug dealing friends, complaining and complaining, calling a man small, with venom and anger become more depression and resentment. This song is dangerous because it's really a crying complaint...
Song 15, "The Alchemy," is about a boy she is not happy with and is telling him she'll get over him and recover and be better than ever for the bad experience. Whew, what a slog. Were there 100 songs like this, and these are the winners? One has to feel what one sings for the singing to sound good. So does she feel this way all the time, year after year, track after track, or is it an act and what the fans want? It's odd to see someone with such a fixation. When Lana does it, singing about dark love all the time, she finds a way to make it interesting. Hooray, it's over, just one more to go:
Song 16, "Clara Beau," is about a girl she's comparing herself to, a remarkable Clara Beau, bringing back themes of dazzling, sparking, rusting as a kind of theme, shining, eclipsing, dying, exaggerating, New York and a small town girl. Taylor in the big city. "You look like Taylor Swift in this life," she says. Could that be right? She's so full of herself that Clara Beau is Tailor Slow? It's SO deep. What was the two theme all the buildup hinted at? We'll leave that to the kiddies on TikTok to figure that out. Is this the world we've come to, violent Kelce with fainting waif Taylor, American royalty? Bleh. 🤢🤮
The first song to be played following all of the others is "Florida" (feat. Florence) and some interesting kind of drumming or bass tapping. Yes, this is one of the better ones with its big bang drumming and Lana theme.
