Chapter Text
Jisung’s hands are shaking, revealing the truth of his anxiousness as he sits in the all-too-familiar booth at God’s Menu. When he was panicking at the thought of meeting Chan in person, Jisung spit out the name of his comfort place without a thought. After Chan had already agreed Jisung regretted the decision, wishing he chose a place that was a little less… little. He pulls at his clothes, not at all used to the fabric or the color choice. After spending endless months scrolling Chan’s profile and staring at the selfies he sent, Jisung deduced that the caregiver loves black. It’s the opposite of himself, as his wardrobe is nearly entirely dedicated to soft and bright colors alike. Jisung owns not one piece of black clothing but he didn’t want to disappoint the caregiver. There was no time to go shopping, so Jisung ended up stealing a bunch of clothes from Minho to wear. The older had nagged him about just “being himself” and how his clothes won’t even fit Jisung but he didn’t listen. It was true about the clothes not fitting though as even the black t-shirt he’s wearing is sagging on him. The hem reaches just past his butt and the sleeves are swallowing his arms. Jisung didn’t think Minho was that much bigger than him.
Of course, because they have never seen each other in real life, the two decided to play it like you would a blind date. Jisung told Chan that he would be wearing a black scarf with red, white, and yellow plaid in it. Chan told Jisung he would be wearing a gray beanie. Jisung can’t see the door to the cafe from where he’s sat— the same booth he gets with Felix and Minho. He’s not sure how Chan is even going to find him. Oh god, he messed up didn’t he?
Maybe he should leave. He could send Chan a message that he became sick overnight and couldn’t make it. It would be easy. It would be so easy and yet, Jisung knows he won’t do it. Despite all his fears and insecurities Jisung really wants to meet Chan. He wants to see the caregiver he’s been talking to for six months in real life, and not behind a computer screen.
Jisung decides to quell his nervous energy with the placemats. Unlike his last time visiting God’s Menu, Jisung isn’t in danger of slipping into his headspace even if he colors. Jisung is always more likely to fall into headspace when Felix is around, as they often regress together to play. Minho isn’t an official caregiver, but he does his best when the two of them are regressed. Jisung can’t decide what to draw right away, and instead just lets his hands lead him the way. Jisung draws line after line, not knowing where it’s going until he’s nearly finished with it. When he finishes the first half of the drawing, Jisung realizes he drew a cartoon version of himself. He’s in his regular pastel colors, and his right hand is placed out like it’s meant to hold someone else's. Jisung keeps drawing, and soon enough he’s finished the other half of his masterpiece. His heart speeds up as he puts together what he’s made.
A picture of him and Chan holding hands.
His face turns beet red, and Jisung rushes to shove the drawing under his lap in the booth. He does it in just the right amount of time too, because someone is walking into the room at that moment. The person looks like they’re late for something, and it’s then that Jisung registers what the person is wearing. White jeans, pink sweater, and gray beanie.
Wait.
Jisung rubs at his eyes to clear his vision, and looks again.
White jeans, pink sweater, gray beanie.
Gray beanie.
Fuck.
Chan is standing at the entrance of the room, head whipping in every direction as he scans the tables. Jisung wonders if he should call out to him and put him out of his misery since he’s spotted him first, but he can’t get his mouth to work. He’s practically speechless and also a little embarrassed by his outfit now that Chan has shown up in such soft colors. So he waits for Chan to notice him first, and finally the caregiver does.
Jisung notices the exact moment Chan’s eyes land on his scarf. The caregiver lights up in recognition and he doesn’t waste a moment striding over to where Jisung is sitting. Chan is quick, sliding into the booth across from Jisung in under a minute.
“Hi, you’re Jisung right?”
Chan is smiling at him, and Jisung feels himself shrink down in his seat. He’s so nervous.
“Um. Yeah. I’m Jisung. Chan?”
That’s the best he can do, unable to form more words than that at a time. Jisung is such an idiot.
Chan nods his head in agreement, sending another one of those smiles his way. The caregiver has dimples. Jisung wants to scream.
Neither of them knows what to say from there, an awkward silence taking over their table. Jisung is about to make an excuse about needing to use the bathroom just to escape it when Chan decides to bridge the gap for both of them.
“You look cute in black,” he comments, a light-hearted laugh passing through his lips after.
Jisung flushes, not used to receiving compliments often.
“O-oh. Thank you. I-uh— your profile. You wear a lot of black. I thought you might like it…”
Chan laughs then, and Jisung feels shame bubbling in his tummy. He’s just embarrassed himself for good hasn’t he? He shouldn’t have said that. He is about to backtrack on what he said when Chan speaks again.
“I did the same thing. I didn’t want to scare you with all the black. These clothes aren’t even mine. I had to borrow them from my friends.”
Jisung’s eyes widen, and then he giggles. “Me too.”
Wanting to keep the conversation going, Jisung opens his mouth to speak. However, Chan goes to speak at the exact same time, and the both of them pause to let the other speak first.
“I’m sorry! You can go first,” he apologizes, fear racing through his veins at how rude he’s being. It’s not polite for a little to interrupt a caregiver. Jisung is bad!
“No, no. You go first, I can wait,” Chan assures him. Jisung isn’t sure if this is a trick of some kind, so he doesn’t move to speak. The silence stretches out and when Jisung looks at Chan again the caregiver motions for him to say what’s on his mind.
Taking a deep breath and deciding to be brave for once, Jisung talks first.
“In your pictures, your hair is dark. Today you’re blond.”
Not paying attention to what he’s doing, Jisung reaches across and grabs a strand of Chan’s hair. He moves his fingers over it, feeling the softness of it between his fingertips. His little self loves the feel of it and Jisung can’t stop himself from tugging on it.
“Ouch” Chan says, and that wakes Jisung up from his daze.
“Oh my god, I am so sorry! I’m so sorry, I shouldn’t have done that!”
Jisung panics, pulling his hand back harshly. He starts scratching at his palm, turning the skin a bright red. He can feel tears welling in his eyes. He’s bad, bad, bad.
Chan looks on in horror at Jisung’s reaction, trying to figure out best to soothe him.
“Hey, hey! It’s alright, you’re okay baby. Hyung’s not hurt, you see? I’m fine. Baby has such a gentle touch, that tug could never hurt,” Chan soothes, hoping his words can break through to the panicking little.
Chan’s words of affection do reach into Jisung’s panicking brain and he looks up at Chan with tears in his eyes.
“Okay? Jisungie no bad?”
Jisung’s voice comes out so small and scared Chan nearly breaks on the spot.
“No, Jisungie is not bad. Jisungie is good.”
Jisung doesn’t believe him, staring down dejectedly. He’s ruined this. He’s bad. Chan is too nice to tell him, but he knows it's the truth.
“Jisungie is bad,” he reminds Chan.
Chan shakes his head in disagreement.
“Jisung-ah, you are not bad. You are a curious little thing. That is so good! Can you say you’re good for me?”
“Jisungie… is good?” Jisung repeats, wanting to make Chan proud.
“Jisung is good,” Chan says. He waits for Jisung to say it again, which the little does.
“Jisungie is good.”
By the time Chan has had Jisung repeat the statement three more times, Jisung isn’t as devastated anymore. He still has some leftover tears in his eyes, making them shiny, but he doesn’t seem to be on edge anymore. Chan relaxes back into the booth, relief coursing through him at finally being able to convince the little that he is not bad.
Chan smiles at Jisung, and reaches across the table to grab his hand.
Jisung gasps at the contact, looking down at his hand engulfed in Chan’s in wonder. Chan rubs his thumb back and forth across the top of Jisung’s hand, the touch soothing him and banishing away the rest of his tears.
“Have you ordered yet cutie?” Chan asks, changing the subject to something safe.
The sudden constant use of pet names by the caregiver is making Jisung’s head feel pleasantly floaty. However, he is still big enough to answer Chan’s question.
“N-no. I haven’t.”
“Can I order for you? What would you like, baby?”
Jisung whines, wanting nothing more than for Chan to order for him.
“I-I get cheesecake, an-an americano.”
“Okay, I’ll be right back.” After that Chan climbs out of the booth, leaving Jisung to his own devices again.
Chan is back quickly, and the two are able to pick back up the conversation. They talk endlessly about everything and nothing. Eventually their order arrives and Jisung happily eats his cheesecake while Chan munches on his own food. Halfway through his cheesecake, Jisung must become messy, because Chan reaches over with a napkin and gently dabs at his mouth and cheeks. Jisung closes his eyes and lets Chan clean him up, no fight in his body. He feels pleasantly floaty, like he’s just on the cusp of regressing. It’s soothing, and safe.
For the first time in who knows how long Jisung feels safe.
“So, can I ask, why did you choose ‘hanheart’ as your username?”
Jisung hums, chewing and swallowing his bite before giving his answer.
“I think hearts are pretty, and Han is my family name. I thought it would be cute, you know? It can be read as ‘one heart’ too. Like, me and my future caregiver are one heart? Ah it’s stupid.” Jisung scratches at his hand, feeling ridiculous for rambling so long about a stupid username. Chan reaches back over, putting his own hand on top of Jisung’s to stop his incessant scratching.
“Hey, it’s not stupid. I think it’s really cute and creative. You wanna know about mine?”
Jisung nods eagerly and Chan takes a breath before saying, “it’s a combination of my name and ‘teddy bear’. Teddy bears are nice to cuddle, and that’s kind of what I wanted to get across.”
“I like it. I like teddies,” Jisung mumbles, eyeing the table in front of him instead of looking at Chan.
They finish up their food, and Jisung can tell it’s getting time for them to part. He doesn’t want this to end, but he can’t hold Chan here all day. It’s already nearing six o’clock, which means they’ve been talking for two hours.
“Listen, I wanna do this again,” Chan starts, grabbing Jisung’s attention away from staring at the table in front of him.
“Me too,” he agrees. It’s true that he wants to do this again. Jisung likes Chan and he wants to get to know him more outside of their chat box.
“Where should we meet next? Do you feel comfortable picking the place or should I?”
Jisung appreciates Chan’s consideration of his feelings and he tells him honestly what he prefers.
“I— I would like to choose, if that’s okay.”
“Of course! If you don’t know now you could text it to me?” Chan smiles
“I know now,” Jisung rushes. If he doesn’t pick now he’ll never do it.
“Oh, okay! Where?”
“Um, my place. But, uh, you have to understand. It’s… not a normal home.”
Jisung sighs, wishing he didn’t have to have this conversation at all, but if he wants the caregiver to come to his house then it’s necessary.
“My apartment, it’s small. It’s got enough, everything a person needs. A bedroom, a living room, a kitchen, and a bathroom. But each space is smaller than usual to accommodate many different spaces. I don’t pay for it myself. I— I live in a safe home for littles. If you wanna come over I have to give your name to the lady on my floor. She makes sure no one dangerous comes in.”
Jisung’s cheeks are bright red. He can only imagine what Chan thinks of him now. The poor broken little. So broken and useless he can’t even live in a normal apartment! Can’t even work to provide for himself! Jisung feels so bad every time he opens his mail and that envelope of spending money is there again. He almost wishes the organization wasn’t so nice. Sure, he only gets a set amount of money that isn’t much, yet he still feels worthless for accepting it. Like every time Minho and Felix help him out, Jisung feels like a burden.
It’s a cycle he can’t break free yet, and now he’s had to share this shame with Chan. Jisung could cry again, but he won’t show too much of that side of himself today. He doesn’t want to scare Chan away forever with how much of a crybaby he is.
“That’s okay Jisung. You can give them my name, and even my number if it’s necessary. I’ve had friends living in these situations before too. It doesn’t make me like you less. It actually makes me proud of you. I don’t know what your past was like, but I’m happy you’re safe now.”
“Thank you,” Jisung whispers. He lets out a deep breath of relief, and slumps completely back against the booth. The motion of him moving on the vinyl seat causes something to shift underneath him and that’s how Jisung is reminded of his drawing from earlier. He sits back up in surprise, reaching underneath himself to grab the paper. He stares at it for a moment, contemplating what he should do, when he makes a final decision.
He hands the drawing to Chan.
“I made this for you while I waited,” he says meekly. Chan is staring at the picture in wonder, complete and total happiness washing across his face.
“Thank you baby, it’s beautiful!”
Jisung preens, proud of himself for making the caregiver so happy. Chan clears his throat, folding the picture gently as he puts it in his jeans pocket.
“I’ll text you my address. And, um, we can decide a day and time,” Jisung takes initiative for a change, and Chan is now nodding his head in agreement.
“Can I hug you?” Chan asks him. Jisung jumps up from his seat, and his arms spread wide in anticipation. He wants a hug so bad.
Chan wastes no time in getting up and pulling Jisung into his arms, hugging the little close and tight. The hug is so warm and Chan’s cologne smells amazing. Jisung can tell that he could fall asleep in the caregiver’s arms easily.
When they pull away, they just look at each other for a moment. Chan has a moment where he becomes awkward and he picks up his hand in a weird wave. Jisung giggles, waving back at the other.
“I’ll see you soon?” Chan looks so hopeful, Jisung couldn’t deny him. He would be denying himself too and Jisung is trying very hard to not say no to himself too much lately.
“I’ll see you soon,” he promises. With that, the two head to the front of the cafe together. Of course Chan pays for their food, despite Jisung trying to beat him to it. The caregiver reminds him that it’s on his profile that he likes to spoil his littles and to please let him. Once the bill is taken care of they part at the door and Jisung watches as Chan walks away first.
He stands outside the entrance of God’s Menu, wondering what on earth just happened. Has he really found a caregiver? Could this actually be his life?
It feels unreal, but when Jisung pinches himself and feels it, he knows for sure that it is. He starts on his own way home and texts Chan when he makes it back safely. Jisung calls Felix on the phone, telling the other little all about his meeting with Chan. Felix is excitedly screaming down the phone at him and if they were together Jisung is sure he’d see him jumping up and down.
They talk on the phone for so long that Jisung decides to hang up once the phone has fallen out of his hand a second time from him falling asleep. Felix doesn’t respond, leading Jisung to believe he has fallen asleep as well. He hangs up and puts his pajamas on, too exhausted to bother with brushing his teeth. Jisung plugs his phone in before he finally rests his head on his pillow and he’s out like a light in no time.