Chapter Text
Landy needs me.
He needs to be left alone. You’re making it worse. You’re making Leland worse.
No, I’m the only one who can help him! I’m the one who is supposed to protect him!
The only way you can protect him right now is to leave him alone.
“The funeral is tomorrow at ten a.m.,” Henri explained as Nels was unlocking the door to his motel room. “I’ll pick you up at eight. Leland is going to ride with Alice and Ted to the funeral parlor where the viewing is.”
“Okay.” Nels opened the door, stepping inside the musty room. The Dark Wood Inn had been built back in the 1960s, and had a bit of a Bates Motel feel too it. It stood in a large L-shape around its parking lot, each room with its own door opening directly into the world. Nels’ room was on the first floor as the second floor was under renovations, which he didn’t complain about.
Henri leaned into the doorway, watching as Nels set his duffel bag down onto the single queen bed with the ugliest floral bed spread either of them had ever seen. “I don’t mean to make you feel banished,” Henri explained to his son. Nels only nodded, unzipping his bag. “But we’d talked about this, Nels. We’d come to an agreement on the rules.”
“I know,” Nels promised. His irritation ticked as they’d already had this conversation two or three times on the car ride over. “I’m sorry.”
“I know you’re sorry. I just need you to know that I’m not mad. I’m just worried about both of you.”
Nels wanted to tell his dad it was okay for him to be mad. He fully understood his father’s anger. God, Nels shared his anger. Taking Leland to the Donnit Hole had been a selfish, reckless venture, and it did exactly what Dad had always been worried about—it made Leland ill. It sent his omega into a spiral. It let him taste that forbidden fruit, and now Nels was terrified he’d never be okay again.
“Can y-you call him?” Nels asked in a tepid voice. When his father didn’t respond, he lifted his head and looked up at him. “I just need to know he’s okay.”
“Hearing his voice won’t be good for you right now,” Dad pointed out.
“How about Alice? You can call Alice and check in on him,” Nels suggested. “I-I just need to know he’s okay, Dad. Please.”
Henri pulled out his phone and called his daughter-in-law. The conversation was brief, and when Henri hung up, he gave Nels a curt nod. “Alice took Leland out of the house while waiting for your pheromones to clear. They’re over at their friend, Riley’s house with Daphne.”
Riley. Leland hadn’t mentioned a Riley. Nels snapped at himself for getting distracted, for thinking about something so stupid. But his mind immediately became cluttered by what they were doing with Riley, if Riley was holding Leland, if Leland was turning all of his need for Nels onto that Riley. Which was stupid, so stupid, because Nels knew Leland wasn’t like that… but did Nels know that?
And also, Leland hadn’t ever had his mind cluttered by his omega in this way. He’d never had his body polluted by his alpha before, so who knew what he’d do now?
Nels nodded, forcing all his feelings down as he replied, “That’s good. I’m glad he has people right now.”
He unzipped his duffel, reaching in to find his pill strip. While on the ride home, Dad had called Dr. Carpenter back to talk with Nels. He explained his struggles to stay away from Leland, though he emphasized it wasn’t sexual. Despite this, Dr. Carpenter insisted Nels take another half a pill a day until he went home. “We just want the both of you to be safe,” Dr. Carpenter had said. “This should help further mitigate your desires.”
Nels once again repeated to him that his desires weren’t filthy, but soft. He wanted to hold Leland and make all the bad go away from him. His wants were in line with a big brother’s, he argued. But Dr. Carpenter (and Dad) seemed to think otherwise.
Nels took out one of his suppressants saved for later in the week when he’d be home and broke it in half. His dad had already gone into the bathroom to pour him a cup of water to take it with, so he swallowed and chased it with cool water. “There we go. You’ll be feeling better in no time,” Henri insisted with a clap on his back. His tone and touch had gone back to a soft setting now that Leland was five miles away.
“Thanks, Dad,” Nels murmured. He sat down on the bed next to his duffel, forcing himself to believe his father’s words. I’ll be better in no time, he thought. Leland will be too. Things are just raw with Mom being gone and me being back. When I go home, we’ll both find a way back to normal and things will get better.
“Do you need me to stay for a bit or would you rather be alone?”
Nels appreciated him asking. He gave his dad a small, forced smile because he knew his dad really, truly did just want what’s best for him and Leland. Nothing Dad had done was out of malice. He didn’t know what he was doing any more than Nels did. “I think… I think alone for now,” he replied. “If that’s okay.”
“Of course. Whatever you need, bud,” Henri promised. He walked over, giving his son a kiss on the head. “Call me if you need anything.”
“I will.”
The door clicked shut behind him, and Nels’ little smile faded. He realized then that he couldn’t blink. His eyes stayed stretched open, staring straight ahead of him without purpose. He felt his lungs stop working at the same time, refusing to release the breaths he took in. His hands shook as he brought them to his chest, gasping for air, when a sob tore through him. The tears got his eyes to finally wet enough to close and he tilted over onto the bed, screaming into the mattress.
*---*---*
It had taken two weeks at Weston’s for Nels to stop crying himself to sleep each night. His roommate, Taylor, never said anything about it. When the alarm would go off in the morning, Taylor would slap it off and tell Nels good morning in a cheery, comforting voice that reminded him of Leland’s vibrance on Christmas morning. Then Taylor would go about getting himself put together before a trip to the bathroom, asking Nels about how he was adjusting and if he liked the classes and what he thought of the food. Nels, on the other hand, would heave himself out of bed with a searing headache and dehydration and barely manage three-word responses to said questions.
On his twelfth day at Weston’s, however, Taylor did say something. They got up like normal but before they headed to the bathrooms, Taylor held up a hand. “Hey, just so you know,” he said gently, “I had such a bad panic attack when my moms dropped me off here, I had to immediately be taken to the hospital ’cause they thought it was a heart-attack.”
Nels just stared at him blankly, not immediately sure why he was bringing this up. His brain was still slow from the lack of sleep. “Oh. Really?”
“Yeah.” Taylor shrugged. “I just want you to know that it’s normal for people to struggle when they first get here. You’re doing way better than I ever did.”
They walked to the bathroom together, and while brushing their teeth and washing their faces, Nels found himself telling Taylor he was struggling being away from his little brother. “I don’t think either of us know how to be on our own,” he admitted. “Landy especially. I’m worried since he’s not the best with time management, so I don’t know if he’s getting his homework done on time or if he’s going to bed early enough. I don’t know if my parents know how to make him feel better if he has a nightmare or what to say when he’s upset. Those are the things I’ve always done, and… and without me there, I’m scared he won’t be taken care of correctly.”
“You should just talk to your parents about that when you call them.”
Nels did, and the results were mixed. Mom and Dad had been struggling with Leland since Nels was gone. His emotions were all over the place, madly swinging from sobbing depression one minute to shouting anger the next only to move onto silent numbness for a day before returning to the sobbing. Neither of them knew how to handle Leland, and it made Nels so fucking furious he almost broke the phone in half.
“If he’s not eating, order pizza from Pizza Palace. Half-pepperoni, half-mushroom. Landy never says no to pizza... And if he’s struggling with sleeping, let him sleep with you. He always came to me if he couldn’t sleep, so he probably doesn’t know he can come to you guys... And when he cries, just hold him and let him cry it out. That’s the best thing to do with him. He doesn’t like it when you try to tell him not to be sad or that crying won’t do anything about it. That just makes him cry more.”
It surprised him how his parents didn’t know these things. They weren’t negligent, he knew that, just busy. But still! He felt they should at least have some idea how to take care of their own kid!
I should go home, he thought as he hung up the phone. His hand lingered on the receiver, itching to call back. Leland needs me. They can’t take care of him correctly. Only I can.
He lifted the receiver to call his parents back but hesitated, those sick images flashing in his mind. Leland on his back. Leland staring up at him with those perfect brown puppy dog eyes as he opened his thighs. Leland throwing his head back and making the lewdest noises as he took his knot—
Nels slammed the receiver down and ran to his room. He slammed the door shut, shaking, beads of sweat trickling down his face and back, ready to vomit. Taylor sat at his desk, eyes bugging out at the sight of his roommate. “What the hell’s wrong?” he demanded in shock.
“I-I wanna go home,” Nels almost cried. Taylor got up from his desk and approached him when he sunk to the floor, beginning to really cry. “What if I can’t ever go home, Taylor?”
“Oh, don’t say that,” Taylor waved him off. He crouched down beside Nels, patting him on the leg. “I’ve seen all sorts of crazy disorders get treated here. Usually no one is ‘cured,’ but they’re good enough to go that Weston’s lets them integrate back into society.”
Nels crinkled his nose. “I can’t go home if I’m not cured.”
Taylor tilted his head to the side. “I’m sure your parents will let you if you can’t handle being away. They seemed like good people when they dropped you off.”
“They are good people, and that’s why they can’t let me come home if I’m not better.” Nels eyed Taylor with a hesitant look, uncertain if he can he trusted. He imagined an alternate universe where he was a normal alpha with a normal mate. How would he respond if he was told his roommate was meant to breed their sibling?
Nels lowered his head, hiding his face between his knees. Truthfully, he’d put in a request for a new roommate. If he had the option now, he’d put in a request for a new everything. New body, new brain, biology. Everything goes, please.
“It’ll get better,” Taylor said as if there wasn’t even the slightest possibility it wouldn’t. Nels wished he felt certainty like that, but his own faith in the doctors’ ability to make him better had ben fading fast in the weeks since his first rut. “I’ve seen these guys work all kinds of miracles. Whatever you got cursed with, it’s probably small fries for them.”
Despite Nels’ own uncertainty, hearing Taylor put it like that did something to piece back together Nels’ crumbling resolve.
After that, Nels’ crying sessions before bed became less. Taylor harangued him into eating lunch with him and attending study sessions. Nels didn’t really make any friends outside of Taylor, despite Taylor seeming to have a pretty healthily sized circle around him. One friend was enough for him, though. His entire childhood, he’d only had one friend, so why would his teenage years be any different?
Lying on the motel bed, Nels was overcome with that same hopeless ache that struck him nightly at Weston’s before his talk with Taylor. That same gut feeling that there was no cure, no end to this curse. It’d been a decade and it seemed from what his specialists said they were no closer to developing a procedure to remove the bond between mates. Which meant Nels was still no closer to having Leland back.
His eyes were sore from crying. His whole body was sore, actually. It felt worn out despite having laid here for hours. The same burning sensation that accompanied a long work-out tensed his muscles, keeping him fatigued and down.
“You can’t leave.”
Nels grimaced, body seizing up at the memory of Leland’s voice. Of him begging Nels not to abandon him again. Only a monster could hear Leland’s pleads and still turn their back.
I am a monster. Nels had looked in the mirror every day and knew he was sick. Healthy people didn’t need their mating partners to resemble their little brother. Healthy people didn’t need their porns to star lookalikes of their little brother. Healthy people didn’t want to have sex with their little brothers. But Nels did.
Nels pretended like he didn’t see Leland in Kim when Dr. Carpenter suggested her, but he did. He chose her photo out of the lineup of possible partners and when Dr. Carpenter laughed and said, “I kind of figured she’d be your first choice,” he had feigned confusion. But he knew. He knew he wanted her because she was the closest thing to his mate he’d ever have.
And Nels told himself he just liked the porn videos of that couple because they were so in love and adoring to one another, but the truth was he loved seeing the doe-eyed omega with floppy blonde hair be touched to the point of pure ecstasy all while pleading for his alpha’s knot. He loved the videos shot from the alpha’s POV because then he could pretend that he was the one making his omega feel good, the one being told ‘I love you forever, alpha,’ the one getting to breed his mate. He loved getting a taste for what it’d be like to have Leland, even if it always ended up ruined when he’d come down from his orgasm, disgusted and panicked and needing a shower so hot it’d melt the Arctic.
Nels tried to play the role of a good person, a good brother, but it was all bullshit. He was bullshit. He was selfish and stupid and weak. He hadn’t even been home a day and he already was fucking Leland up. Landy was falling apart at the seams, confused and cluttered by what Nels told him, unable to reconcile his needs with his omega’s. And Nels did that. Nels chose to do that to him because he couldn’t stand the idea of Leland hating him.
The past ten years, Nels had been able to lie to himself, but not anymore. He wasn’t a good person. He was a terrible person who abandoned his mate. He’d done nothing but make Leland’s life worse at every turn. Every bad thing that’d ever happened to Leland happened because Nels was weak. He couldn’t stand up and be the mate he needed or the big brother he needed. He just… he just was a sickness in Leland’s life. A hacking cough that never quite cleared up that turned out to be a cancer that was killing him slowly.
Through the fog of his self-loathing, Nels heard a clicking noise. He unfurled from his ball of anguish, startled by door to his room opening.
Leland stood there in an oversized t-shirt with an unfamiliar band logo and a pair of pajama pants with little snowmen on them. He had a room keycard in hand as he stepped in and shut the door behind him. “I used to work here in high school,” he explained sheepishly. His face was a light rosy color that sent shivers down Nels’ spine. “The woman at the front desk, Angie, used to be my manager. I explained you were my brother and had lost your room key, so she made me a new one and I-I just wandered down holding the key up to each pad until one unlocked.”
Nels stumbled to his feet, throwing his arms around Leland and squishing him into his chest. His Landy released a loud breath, burrowing his face into Nels’ neck just as he’d done back at the house. Nels almost moaned at the way Leland’s nose prodded his marking zone, inhaling him as though he were a sweetest smelling rose. In the quiet of the room, Nels could hear the way scenting his mate was allowing Leland’s thudding heart to slow, bringing him into a comfortable state where he became heavy against Nels.
When Nels reached up to slide his fingers through Leland’s curls, Leland finally spoke again, “You’re not really leaving. Promise you’re not actually leaving, Nels, because you can’t leave me again. Please.”
Nels peppered kisses along Leland’s forehead, his brain wrestling with the desire to scoop Leland up and never let go, and knowing he should shove Leland out of the room and set the deadbolt. “I’m making things so much worse for you,” he whispered into his brother’s skin. “I never should’ve told you. It… it hurt you…”
“Nels, no,” Leland whispered. He lifted his head so that they were nose-to-nose, staring at each other as if this were the first time they’d ever gotten to lay eyes upon a pure masterpiece. “This is the most hopeful I’ve felt since losing Corey. I… I am so happy you came back, Nels.”
Leland’s hands ran up Nels’ sides, eventually taking a trip up to cup his cheeks. “That’s why you can’t leave,” he went on quietly. “Please, everything will be okay if you stay. We can both get better if you stay.”
Nels remembered Leland’s frantic sobs as Dad pulled them apart. The way he clung to Nels as though were his life-raft in a deadly storm. His hands slid down so they covered Leland’s as they cupped his cheeks, the sensation of skin against skin causing a certain reaction he’d prefer not to be having with Leland so close. “Dad’s hardly even willing to let me stay for the funeral,” he whispered with a shake of his head. “I can’t… I can’t stay-stay.”
Leland cracked. He’d been doing good at controlling his tears, but now they were starting to stream. “Oh, fuck Dad! I want you to stay! Please. Please stay. Don’t leave me alone again, Nels. I can’t be alone like this anymore, please!”
Before Nels could speak, Leland stepped closer, his breath filling Nels’ mouth as it remain open, words dying on his tongue. “Please, Nels, just… just don’t think about Dad. Think about you and me. Think about us… about being an ‘us’ again!”
It’d been forever since Nels had been an ‘us’ with anyone. He supposed his little duo with Taylor was the last time Nels was an ‘us’ as opposed to a lonely ‘me.’
And, he realized, being part of an ‘us’ was what Nels wanted almost more than anything. He wanted a life with his person. He wanted to be the one to take care of his person, to give love to him when all there seemed to be was pain, and to stay when his person needed him to stay.
There wasn’t anyone Nels wanted to be an ‘us’ with other than Leland.
Nels felt dizzy as he leaned even more into Leland. “That’s all I want.”
“Then don’t leave me.” Leland’s eyes were half-shut as his head tilting a bit. “Please, please, please, please, Nels, stay with me.”
Weak. You’re so weak, a little voice in Nels hissed. But Nels didn’t care.
“I won’t leave,” he promised, his own eyes closing. “I won’t ever leave you again. Not even for a moment.”
And then Leland leaned up and his lips touched Nels’. Nels flinched at the contact, ill-prepared for how much it would triple the growing excitement in his belly.
Leland withered at his reaction. “Nels, it’s just us. Only worry about us right now,” he begged. To Nels’ excited horror, his hand had slithered down his body and now cupped his aggressively throbbing erection. “I can feel how much you want this…”
“I…” Nels couldn’t breathe with Leland touching him, the simple brush of his mate’s hand being enough to send Nels teetering over the edge. He crumpled against him, gasping from the euphoria that was flooding through him. “Ah, ah, Landy, I-I…”
When his brain came back to him, he straightened back out, trembling but cognizant at least. He was met with Leland’s perfectly content smile. “Nels, it’s okay. I want it too,” he promised.
Nels didn’t have the words to respond. He just nodded, accepting it when Leland moves back in, nuzzling his nose with his own.
“Let me take care of you,” Leland hummed. “It’s what I was made for. We were made to take care of and love each other. We’re owed it. We’re owed each other, Nels.”
The next kiss Leland gifted him caused Nels to fully weaken, allowing his alpha to take control. He shed his shame. He shed his big brother status, only concerned with being the mate he knew Leland needed. He shed his shirt and stole Leland’s off him. His mouth found Leland’s again and again as they’d pause to remove more layers of clothing until it was just them, no more barriers, no more ‘no.’ For once in his life, Nels was going to allow himself to want and to have. And all he wanted was his mate.