Chapter Text
Sethos has been over to Tighnari’s house in Gandharva Ville a few times, but this is the first time he’s been to Cyno’s place. It’s another small house provided by the Akademiya, although it’s much closer to the main Matra building and significantly bigger and nicer than Sethos’. Which makes sense, because it’s the part-time family home of the General Mahamatra. The front room is sparsely decorated, but there are a few carefully placed Genius Invocation TCG merch items mixed with a variety of exotic house plants. And a set of shelves filled with huge boxes of cards. The top shelf has a binder full of what Sethos is sure are some extremely rare and expensive ones.
“I’m really glad you’re here.” Tighnari says.
“Sorry,” Sethos says, after taking a long drink of the water Tighnari had offered upon seeing him panting and almost keeling over in the doorway. Sethos isn’t even sure how he made it across the city in under ten minutes. Adrenaline, probably. “I had a gift for you guys, and a bottle of wine, but I forgot it at home. I could run back and get it, but I didn’t want to be late–”
Tighnari cuts him off with an awkward chuckle. “It’s fine, it’s fine! Honestly, we still haven’t finished that huge box of sweets you brought us last time you were in Gandharva Ville.”
A door down the hallway opens, and Sethos catches a glimpse of a much more well decorated room, with some photos of people dressed in Mondstadt style clothing. Collei comes out, looking a little nervous.
“Hi, Uncle Sethos,” she says quietly.
It’s so weird to hear her say it. Sethos is happy to think of her as a little cousin, but he has a niece? He’s an (honorary) uncle? Just looking around the little house, thinking about the life that Cyno lives, always stresses Sethos out.
“Uh, you have a little something in your hair,” she says, pointing to the left side of her head.
Sethos reaches up and pulls a small twig off his head. He wants to die.
“It’s not that big of a deal, Sethos,” Tighnari says, seeing the face Sethos made. “I’m just glad you made it.”
They do all the necessary small talk, then sit down to eat. Cyno cracks the worst jokes, Collei starts to look a little less scared. It’s a normal, relaxed family dinner, and Sethos feels like an intruder.
“So, Sethos,” Cyno says, “you said you’ve been reading a lot?”
“Haha, yeah, just found some interesting stuff at the library.”
“What is it? Must be pretty exciting stuff. You looked like you had been up all night before the budget meeting. You could barely stay awake.” Cyno casually takes a sip of his drink.
“Oh, it’s not anything too exciting. Just some political theory.”
Tighnari raises an eyebrow.
Cyno continues, not noticing Tighnari’s expression. “I didn’t think you were interested in that kind of thing. What kind of political theory?”
“Well, it’s these collections of student essays. It’s just interesting, hearing different points of view.” Sethos takes a sip of water.
Everyone is looking at him. He could probably get away with not explaining any more.
“There’s one author in particular that got me hooked on it. I never cared about Inazuman politics before, but he’s so witty and funny. And just, brutally mean in his essays, it’s addicting to read. Like, I never even thought about the Raiden Shogun, and now I really do think she made some horrible policy decisions over the last five hundred years! I don’t know if I can remember an exact quote, but he said that the Raiden Shogun was ‘a miserable woman who spends more time pursuing a fantasy of eternity than she has ever spent being a real leader.’ He said that about an archon! Just, the disrespect.”
Sethos shuts up when he sees the look on Tighnari’s face.
“Who is this author?” Tighnari says, his casual tone not hiding his suspicion.
“J-just some student. That paper was actually uh, published anonymously, I just recognized the writing style across a few… different editions…”
Sethos takes a bite of food so he’ll stop incriminating himself. Collei is shrinking down, looking nervously between Tighnari and Sethos.
Cyno, luckily, speaks up. “You’re being very forthcoming when talking about these essays, Sethos. You’re not always this willing to…open up.”
For a moment, Sethos’ heart stops, because if Cyno has picked up on Sethos’ odd behavior, then he’s completely screwed. But then he notices the slight smile Cyno isn’t doing a very good job of hiding.
“You could say…” Cyno drags the dramatic pause on excessively.
Tighnari rolls his eyes, but smiles a little.
“He’s an open book.” Cyno looks around expectantly for a reaction.
Sethos snorts involuntarily, more relieved than anything. Tighnari groans at the bad joke.
So Cyno turns to Collei. “You see, Collei, being an “open book” is a common expression for being honest –”
Collei smiles. “I get the joke, Cyno.” She laughs a little bit.
Cyno actually smiles, and Tighnari laughs. Sethos laughs along with them. He’s seen this whole bit play out before. It’s cute, and it only makes Sethos feel the deep horrible emptiness in his soul where happy family memories should be a little bit.
Cyno asks, “Do you think you might take a class on political theory, then?”
To make it more likely that I’d see Wanderer?
“Yeah, you know, I’m thinking about it!”
Cyno nods, like he’s internally decided something. “To be honest, Sethos, I’m really glad to hear that you’ve been taking more time for yourself. It’s admirable how much you do for other people, but I fear that you may not have been neglecting yourself in the process. It’s a hard balance to find.”
“Yeah. Haha. Doing things for myself.” Sethos takes a large gulp of his wine.
He’s limiting himself to one glass so he can keep himself under control. He wishes the glass was bigger.
“I’ve heard that you’re working on some kind of personal project?” Cyno’s tone is so friendly and genuine.
“Well, um. Who-who told you that?”
“I heard it from multiple sources. Dehya and Alhaitham both said you discussed it with them.”
Hearing Cyno say that, Tighnari raises an eyebrow.
“A personal project, huh?” Tighnari asks.
Sethos laughs awkwardly and fidgets his feet under the table. “It’s not really, uh, big enough to be a project. It was just a little research.”
“What’s it about?” Tighnari says.
“I’ve just been researching this…” Sethos scratches at his sleeves, “historical figure. I don’t know, it’s not really serious. I just wanted to get it out of the way before I left for the desert.”
Cyno casually remarks “It seemed serious. Alhaitham gave you administrator permission for some of your research.”
Tighnari has stopped hiding animosity in his tone. “Is it the one from the lecture?”
Sethos nods. “Yeah, actually it is!”
Tighnari folds his hands together and leans forward. “Does this historical figure have a name?”
Collei makes eye contact with Sethos and mouths ‘I’m sorry’.
Sethos pauses. He can’t remember the name. He wasn’t paying a lot of attention to the actual lecture. It’s now been too long, and he has Tighnari’s accusatory glare on one side, and Cyno’s expectant attention on the other side. Collei looks like she wants to disappear.
Tighnari clears his throat. “Collei. Have you finished all of your homework yet.”
“Uh, no, actually, excusemeIhavetogosorrythankyoubye!”
Collei scampers off. Sethos wishes he had homework. He glances between Tighnari and Cyno.
“Can I use the bathroom real quick before you both kill me?”
Cyno is confused. “What do you mean? We’re not going–”
Tighnari isn’t confused. “Second door on the left.”
Sethos walks to the bathroom. On his way down the hall, Collei pokes her head out of her room.
“I’m sorry about them. Tighnari can get kind of intense when he gets worried.”
“That’s not worry.”
“It is worry. I’ve only ever seen him do it with family. It sucks though. Good luck!”
Collei disappears into her room again. Sethos goes to the bathroom and splashes water on his face. He looks in the mirror.
Alhaitham wasn’t exaggerating when he said that Sethos looked like shit. He’s had a full night of sleep since his all-nighter, but he still has bags under his eyes. His hair has too many flyaways, his belt scarf is uneven. One of his sleeves even has a tear in it. He tries his best to fix himself, then dries his face off. It’s just mental preparation for the oncoming interrogation.
Just don’t let them know about the stalking. That one goes to the grave.
He walks back to the table and sits down.
Tighnari starts in immediately.
His voice sounds like concern, but all his face shows is tiredness and frustration.“Listen, Sethos. I don’t want to go over the line, but I can’t just stand by and let you do this to yourself.”
Sethos’ thoughts freeze. He was ready to be told that his behavior was creepy, or unhealthy, or illegal. He even could have handled being told that he was a horrible person doing something immoral because he’s a failure and a loser.
But he’s not doing this to himself. That’s not it.
Tighnari is saying something else, and Sethos tunes back in halfway through. “...so of course it’s been really hard for you. It’s hard to lose a family member. And I want to give you space, and time to process your grief.”
His grief? What is Tighnari talking about?
“But I don’t want you to get yourself into a bad situation. Hat Guy isn’t the kind of person you should have in your life right now.”
“What? What are you talking about?” Sethos means to say it with genuine confusion, but some of his annoyance leaks out into his words.
“I know you’re fixating on him. Please stop denying it. I can’t keep wheedling it out of you.”
Cyno shoots a look at Tighnari, and Tighnari sighs and leans back in his chair.
Cyno clears his throat. “So. Sethos. You keep saying that you're doing well, but it seems like you haven’t been feeling very good for a while. I think you need to find better ways to express your emotions. Maybe you could–”
“What!? Better ways for me to express my emotions?” Sethos isn’t going to take this from Cyno . “You think I haven’t been taking care of myself? Managing my grief? I moved to Sumeru City because I knew it would be healthier for me to be out here, doing things. I changed my entire lifestyle, and left everyone I had ever known, to live completely on my own for the first time in my life, because I knew it would be better for me.”
Tighnari interjects. “I’m not saying you aren’t doing everything you can to help yourself. You’re doing so much. It’s just that it’s not enough.”
“Not enough? What else could I possibly be doing? Talking to people more?” Sethos swings from angry to frustrated to the point of tears, “Taking care of myself more? I have– I have a whole schedule of just, I do something I’ve never tried before every day, and I promise I’m thinking about classes, it’s just that every single person in the city has some opinion about what I should be doing with my life–”
“Sethos, hey!” Tighnari snaps him out of it. “It’s ok. You’re doing ok. You just need help.”
Help? Help? With what? How? How is this conversation going so many ways, and nowhere at all at the same time?
“What are you both talking about? I’m…I’m managing it on my own. No one could manage my problems better than me. I don’t think anyone else really could help me.”
Tighnari huffs in frustration, but Cyno looks towards Sethos with concern. “I’m sure you could find someone who could help you. Everyone talks to you about classes because they’re trying to find a way to pay back the favors you do. People want to help you, Sethos. Because you’re a good person. All you need to do is think about what you need-”
“Sure, Cyno, sure. I just need to think about what I need. I don’t need anything! I’m fine!”
Cyno shakes his head with a sad expression. “You’re not fine, Sethos. You can admit that. You entire life changed. Now you have the freedom you always wanted but you don’t know what to do with it. It’s difficult to–”
Something snaps in Sethos.
“Oh, sure . Yeah Cyno, tell me about the freedom I always wanted. What, the freedom from the work of leading the temple? I still do that, but you have to okay every single decision I make! Because you saved me from my stupid worthless future, and you took away all my fucking power, and you took the prestige and title that I didn’t want! And I need to be kissing your feet for the rest of my life, as I do all the work you can’t do because you already have everything!”
Cyno’s expression of concern drops away into pure shock.
“I never– Sethos, I never, ever, wanted to hurt you. I see you as a brother–” Cyno tries to say something, but Sethos can’t stop himself.
“You have everything and I had all this- I had a life, and you come waltzing in, and you’re the General Mahamatra, and you have this soulmate who’s like the reincarnation of Hermanubis’ closest advisor, and, and you’re like a god , Cyno. I lived my whole life beliving that one day I would become good enough to be a god, to become Hermanubis’ reincarnation. But you came along, and really, it was never me that was ever going to be good enough, was it? No. It was you. You’re everything I should have been. And sometimes I hate you.”
The anger disappears all at once, and the guilt and shame comes rushing in. It’s so intense. Sethos is so used to this happening in the middle of the night, when he’s numb and exhausted. Not like this. He’s scared of himself.
He looks up at Cyno.
Cyno looks like he’s going to cry.
Tighnari stands up. “Cyno, do you need me?”
Cyno shakes his head. “I just need a moment.”
“Ok. Sethos, come with me.”
Sethos gets up and follows Tighnari because right now he doesn’t know how to do anything other than do as he’s told. Tighnari leads him onto the back porch. It’s a quiet, cool night. There’s a few chairs overlooking a small garden. The warm light from the house feels like it’s very far away.
He turns to Tighnari. He’s expecting something, either an icy glare and quiet insults, or maybe even yelling. He doesn’t know what to do with Tighnari just standing there, looking at him, tired and defeated. His ears are drooping in a comically exaggerated show of how sad he is. He doesn’t say anything for a little while. He just looks at Sethos, then turns towards the garden and leans on the railing. After a few moments, Sethos stands next to him and leans on the railing too, looking out into the deep blue night.
“I’m very angry at you.” Tighnari says.
Sethos feels like he’s going to cry and it makes him choke up as he talks. “I’m sorry, Tighnari. I didn’t mean to say that. I lost control of myself.”
Sethos is worthless. Cyno should have just killed him in the Rite of Duels. Then he and Tighnari wouldn’t have had to waste all this time trying to rehabilitate a failure like him. A delusional failure. He thought he’d be a god.
How stupid do you have to be, to think you could become a god?
“If it helps, I hate myself for hating him.”
“Yeah, actually, that doesn’t help,” Tighnari says, a quiet anger in his tone. “That’s the problem, Sethos. The problem is you hate yourself so much that you refuse to believe the people around you.”
Tighnari sighs, and glances back at a lone potted plant on the edge of the porch. He turns back towards the garden, but still refuses to look at Sethos.
“I’m really, really angry at you right now. But I’m not even going to be able to talk to you for a few days once I talk to Cyno and hear how hurt he is.” Tighnari pauses, and says with considerable emotional effort, “So I want you to tell me how you’re feeling, and what you think is wrong. And I can try to help you figure out who can help you.”
Sethos is quiet for a moment.
“No.”
Tighnari smacks the railing in frustration. “Come ON! Sethos! Stop dodging this!”
“I’m not dodging it! I just deeply insulted your partner and now you’re trying to comfort me?” Sethos turns to Tighnari, who finally looks at him. Sethos smiles kind of sadly, and wipes the tears out of his eyes. “You don’t want to do that. Just–just go comfort him. I’ll be ok.”
Tighnari looks down and weakly kicks the railing.
“You’re too nice, you know that?” Tighnari turns back, then walks over to the lone potted plant. He lifts it up a little and pulls out a small box. He pulls two chairs up to where he and Sethos had been standing. He gestures, Sethos sits down, collapsing into the chair. Tighnari sits down too, with a tired wince. He opens the box, and pulls out a lighter, then pauses.
“Don’t tell Collei I did this.”
Tighnari shakes some ground weed into a joint and rolls it, lights it, takes a long pull, then wordlessly offers it to Sethos.
Sethos isn’t turning that down right now. He takes a pull that’s a little too long, then coughs.
Tighnari looks at him with concern. “Have you ever–”
“Yeah, I have, it’s just been a while.”
For a few minutes they pass the joint wordlessly. Things start to feel a little better. Sethos feels more exhausted than nervous.
Tighnari breaks the silence. “I’m sorry. I’m worried about you. And you know what? It isn’t even the obsessive or illegal behavior. I know you’re doing the real work of leading the Temple of Silence and I know that entails more shady illegal business than Cyno or I will ever know about.”
Sethos is quiet because it’s true.
“It’s because it’s Hat Guy. I barely know him, but I just– I don’t trust him.” Tighnari rubs his bad shoulder, where he was struck by lighting. “I think he has the capability to do a lot of harm. And I don’t want you to get hurt by a guy like him.”
Sethos looks up at the stars. “He can’t hurt me.”
“You don’t know that.”
Sethos is quiet. He thinks about what he’s done over the last few days. Really, actually considers what the point of all of it was.
“You’re right. I don’t know that.” Sethos is quiet. He can feel Tighnari’s reluctant hope, even though it’s too dark to really see his expression clearly. “But I’m going to find out. And once I know he can’t hurt me, I’ll talk to him. And I’ll be normal about it.”
Tighnari lets out a long, disappointed sigh, and then puts the end of the blunt out in the dirt.
“I think you’re really, really lonely, Sethos.” Before Sethos can start talking, Tighnari pauses him with a gesture, then continues. “I know, you talk to people every day. You have so many people who like you. But no one who’s crazy about you.” Tighnari pauses for a moment. “That’s a very, very hard thing to find. But you have to try.”
Sethos wants to say something but he doesn’t even know who he is after everything that’s been said tonight. The high pacifies him enough to shut up and hear Tighnari out.
“I know someone, a friend of a friend, but he’s a really really nice guy. He’s trans, too, I know that’s important to you. I’ll reach out to him, and next time he’s in town you two can meet up.”
“You’re setting me up on a date.”
“Yes. And you aren’t allowed to say no.”
Sethos is quiet for a moment. “Alright.”
“You’ve been through a lot. I saw it myself. ”
Sethos wants to protest. Tighnari has seen Sethos at his lowest, and that counts for something.
So Sethos says nothing.
At some point, they go back inside. Sethos says quiet, awkward goodbyes. Tighnari tells Sethos to send him letters while he’s back at the temple, to tell him how he’s doing, even if he’s not doing well.
Sethos walks home slowly in the dark. He feels sane for the first time in days, and it’s horrible. Tighnari is right. This obsession has pushed Sethos to his limits and caused him to hurt the people he’s closest to. He’s going to wallow in the shame and guilt from tonight for days to come.
His punishment is getting set up on a date. A date. He closes his eyes as he walks down the familiar road home and all he can picture is that beautiful face highlighted by the setting sun. All he can feel is the ghost of a hand pressing down onto his chest. All he can hear is windchimes. He’s out of thoughts.
When he does get home, he collapses into bed and falls asleep instantly.