Chapter Text
Middle School Izuku had been an idiot, he decided.
Having to stand face to face with Katsuki and explain what he did, and why, was going to be the most mortifying thing he’s ever done. Scratch that, explaining this to Kacchan is going to be the most mortifying thing he’s ever done and probably will ever do. Fuck closure, he just wants to get out of here.
So far all they’ve done is just sit on opposite couches and fidget, neither wanting to continue the silence, but no one willing to break it.
Kacchan had always been the braver of the two of them.
“I just–” He exhales shakily. “I just want to know why. I mean, was all of that shit that you said to me true? And, -and if you knew it was me, why did you even say all of that?” He looks so earnest that Izuku has to look away after a few seconds. Katsuki wrings his hands on his jeans absentmindedly, rubbing at his palms like he can feel the sweat building there. (Izuku hates that he still knows those mannerisms, and still feels like he has to look for them.)
“It- It wasn’t like that. I just,” Izuku exhales frustratedly. How do you explain to someone you used to hate, but don’t hate anymore, that you wanted them to hurt inside the way you hurt inside– but didn’t exactly want to be the cause of it, because you didn’t actually hate hate them?
Yeah, not like that, that’s for sure.
“I was just so angry at you.” Izuku finally decides. He’s not sure if it’s the right thing to say. He almost wishes the truth quirk was still in effect because, for as much trouble as it caused, it was never afraid to pull out Izuku’s feelings. And it definitely didn’t think about what it made him say unlike what he’s having to do now. “You were something everyone adored– someone I used to adore, but instead of living up to everyone’s expectations, you,” He huffs again, “You used all of that power that people gave you, to hurt me.” And he did, Izuku thinks. The most prominent of his scars lay on his shoulder in a bright starburst design with little sparks patterned around from where they flecked off of the original explosion.
“Izuku, I-”
“No.” Izuku cuts him off, “No, it’s fine.” Izuku says, but then thinks better of himself and adds on, “Well, it’s not fine but just let me finish anyway, okay?”
Katsuki nods at him, and Izuku prepares himself.
“I didn’t plan on catfishing you at first.” The statement sounds silly coming out of his mouth, he almost wants to laugh at the seriousness of both of them when their topic is so… juvenile .
“It was, well, it was obviously you on that message board. I mean who else would be MightyExpl0d0GodMurderSm@sh ?” He lets out an aborted chuckle while Katsuki snorts wholeheartedly.
“But then you didn’t recognize me. And you thought I was cool . And originally, all I’d wanted was to get back into your good graces. Just, let you see me without seeing me, y’know? I thought,” He breaks off dejectedly, the emotions he’s referencing are some he remembers intimately. The sadness, hope, despair…resignation. “I thought that if you saw someone worth hanging out with, and it turned out that it was me… maybe-, maybe you would see me as someone worth having around again.” The mood sobers again quickly.
“I was going to come clean about the whole thing, but then I caught you talking about me– well, my account- to your friends.” Izuku pauses and tilts his head. “Lackeys, I mean.”
Katsuki looks sheepish at that, but not quite ashamed. Izuku figures it’s the most he’ll get, in that regard.
“And you sounded so– so reverent. You talked like I was actually someone to admire. I’d never heard you talk about anyone but All Might like that, and– and about me? I was so caught up in being awed at you that I didn’t even notice you sneak up on me.”
Izuku sighed again, but Katsuki leaned forward, listening like each word out of Izuku’s mouth could be the last.
“I guess that you were mad I caught you talking about something you actually cared about because that day you were so angry. Angrier than you’d been at me in a long time, and you just–”
Izuku worked himself up with his own words because his breaths were coming out harsher and his voice had cracked and tapered off again.
“You just started hitting me." Izuku's voice cracks out. "And that wouldn’t have been different from usual except you had your lackeys hold me down while you did it, and I couldn’t– I couldn’t protect myself, especially not from you–- not like that.” He’s whispering in the silence of the room, and he doesn’t even know if Kacchan can still hear him, but he doesn’t interrupt so Izuku keeps going.
“I walked home with bruised ribs that day, but what really hurt was the way you told me,” He gulps as if preparing himself for his own words. “You said, ‘a Deku like you doesn’t have a damn redeeming quality, just give up while I’m still willing to show you where you belong.’ It made me so angry to think about. The fact that you could sing my praises as long as you didn’t know it was me . So, I decided if the only way I could hurt you was to fake being your friend on Discord," He swallows, "I decided that that’s what I was going to do.”
Katsuki looks broken at his words. But it’s not Izuku’s job to play to Katsuki’s feelings anymore. (He still wants to, God knows he still wants to.)
Izuku pauses again, he still feels like he needs to explain himself more, but it hurts– these words hurt. They leave a hollow feeling in his chest when he recalls them. It’s something akin to shame because he’s ashamed at what he did but the memories aren’t far away enough that he can’t remember the feelings either. He remembers the anger and the ache of someone you love treating you like you didn’t ever deserve their love in the first place.
“I wanted to be your friend, to get close to you and build you up,” Izuku makes large gestures with his arms, “Make grand promises that I never meant to keep, and then tell you that you were never worth my time and block you- or something.” His arms go back to their place on his sides and rub at the fabric of the couch.
“I dunno, I wanted to do what you did to me, I guess.” He concludes awkwardly.
“It was hard at first, because I didn’t really know what about me drew you to think so highly of me. You had me second-guessing every post I made for months at a time. And when we finally got to private messaging? I was so scared you’d know it was me and I’d come to school to find a beating I’d never forget.” Izuku can’t meet his eyes anymore. He’s not sure if it’s shame from his admissions or if he’s still fighting the human instincts to never look a predator in the eyes. Neither thought makes him feel better.
“I didn’t mean for it to get out of hand like that– and for that, I’m,” The words are weak in his throat, “I’m sorry.” It still feels weird to be the one apologizing to Kacchan for once.
The silence rings around again and this time Izuku knows it’s shame keeping him from catching Kacchan’s eyes.
“I thought you died.” Kacchan says after a few minutes.
It’s the most he’s said since this whole conversation started. The pit in his chest burrows deeper.
“I know,” Izuku still can’t look at him. “But I couldn’t make myself go through with it.” So he starts explaining again.
“When I originally planned to befriend you I didn’t expect for you to ask me out. I mean I pretended like I was a high school student fast-tracking a degree in quirk theory for God’s sake! All I had meant to do was seem like a smart, cool, older kid who you could look up to for advice and stuff, I never meant to take it so far that you would– I dunno crush on me!? ” Izuku’s exasperated now, throwing his hands up in confusion. This whole thing has been a roller coaster of emotions and he feels so drained.
“But it would’ve stopped my plans to have said no, and when you messaged me asking that day you had been meaner than usual, looking back now it’s probably because you were anxious about my response, but it just cemented the idea in my head that you needed to be knocked down some, so- yeah, I said yes.” Izuku is mumbling his words again and speaking in that too-fast tone he takes when he’s nervous.
“But you got better over the time I ‘dated’ you.” Izuku puts “dated” in air quotes because, even if it was him behind all of the messages to Kacchan, they weren’t really dating. “And it felt nice, to have someone treat me kindly too.” Izuku admits in low tones.
“Even if you didn’t know it was me I looked forward to our messages, you,” Izuku struggles with the words. “You were nice to me, treated me like I had something to say -like I actually brought something to the table. You treated me like I was someone worth listening to for once. And it was kind of amazing to know that not only was someone being nice to me, but it was Kacchan .” Izuku puts special emphasis on the name, he hopes it means as much to Kacchan as it does to him.
“But after two years I just couldn’t justify it anymore,” Izuku meets Kacchan’s desperate eyes. His eyes seem to say all that he can’t, they plead with Izuku and he has to look away.
“I don’t even know why,” He says desperately, “it was just like a flip had switched in me one day, and I realized that it had been far too long to drag this out and have it mean nothing. At least, for it to mean nothing to me anymore.”
“I thought you died.” Kacchan repeats again, and with that look in his eyes, Izuku can’t help but start to cry.
“ I know .” Izuku says finally. “But what did you want me to do?” Izuku pleads right back.
“You couldn’t have expected me to come clean could you?” It’s almost angry, how Izuku accuses him. Almost. More resigned than anything.
“I would never have been able to tell you about this, not back then. You would have actually killed me.” The way Izuku emphasizes the word shows just how much he believes that to be true.
“ I thought you died! ” Kacchan growls out again. “Goddamnit Izuku! Fuck I thought you died and I-” Angry tears spill out of his eyes. He’s halfway off the couch when he realizes Izuku is cowering into the other couch and something akin to hurt flashes across Kacchan’s face.
He takes a deep breath and lowers himself back onto his own couch.
“I was terrified when you stopped messaging me.” Kacchan admits. “I was worried something happened to you, worried that maybe I’d scared you off. But then you just,” He takes a shuddering huff.
“You just, fell off the face of the earth.” Kacchan wrings his hands again. “And when I checked all of the usual message boards and fan pages and channels where you usually posted and you- you hadn’t, well, people started to make assumptions. They assumed you’d gotten caught up in a villain fight with how much footage you used to post, and they–”
Izuku gets up and sits next to him on his couch.
“I don’t know who started it.” Kacchan says quietly, “But someone posted that you were in the hospital after getting too close to a fight. Everyone started posting well wishes and shit and I felt like an ass for expecting a text back.”
“But then you didn’t come back after a few weeks and I was just so damn worried,” Kacchan’s voice breaks on the last word, and Izuku takes his hand. “So, when people started saying that you had died I fucking- I couldn’t handle it. I was helpless to save you and I, I know it just made me worse to you. The real you, anyway.” Kacchan looks into his eyes earnestly and Izuku looks back. He remembers.
He remembers the weeks after he logged off, deactivated all of his accounts, and deleted all of his apps. He remembers Kacchan’s anger burning brighter than he’d ever seen it, feeling it burn brighter than he’d ever felt it.
“You meant a lot to me Izuku, and I’m not gonna pretend that that shit was cool, but I also know I never would’ve been able to handle it being you behind the screen.” Kacchan’s earnest words hit him hard.
“You were- you were my one friend. The only person I’d considered having next to me. You were worth so much to me, and I really fuckin’ cared about you.” He says angrily, growling at the ground, no longer looking Izuku in the eyes.
“Kacchan-”
“No, it’s my turn to talk now.” He snarls out, still clutching Izuku’s hand like a lifeline.
“You were this cool, unbelievable person. So damn smart that you could break down quirks in a second and you did everything you did with such fuckin’ adoration that I couldn’t help but want to turn your attention to me.” Kacchan squeezes his hand and some flush enters his cheeks.
“And then you did, and it was amazing. Because not only were you smart, but you were cool and older and nice. You were nice to me even though I was brash and rude in messages and you took no time helping me with my shit just because I asked.”
And then he says something that finally clues Izuku in, “You just helped me, you didn’t call me weak or stupid for not knowing something. You didn’t act like I had everything figured out just because I was powerful and had a strong quirk. You didn’t make me feel dumb for being a normal kid.” Kacchan whispers in the silence of the room.
His hand shakes in Izuku’s as he says, “You told me that I had the makings of a great hero and you meant, ‘You Katsuki have the makings of a great hero’ and not, ‘Explosion is a great quirk for heroics.’”
Kacchan looks into Izuku’s eyes and then looks away.
“But you, you were so hesitant and dismissive of yourself and I thought,” He swallows, “I thought, ‘I’m gonna be the greatest damn hero this world has ever seen, and if you were by my side then you’d have to be pretty fucking great too.’ And I don’t know, I thought I could make you believe that too, but you just kept saying shit.” Kacchan huffs with no real anger behind it.
“What do you mean?” Izuku asks, confusion littering his tone.
“You- you mean you weren’t doing it on purpose?” Kacchan looks at him with mild shock gracing his features.
“Doing what?” Izuku finally snaps, confused and worried if this was the reaction his texts garnered. “All I did was text you how I thought a normal person would text someone they’re dating.”
“When you would put yourself down like that, and talk about how much you hated yourself and thought you were a burden– that, that wasn’t an act?” Kacchan pulls his hand away from Izuku’s like it’s burned him, “You really believed normal people felt that way? …That often, too?”
Izuku clutches his hand to his chest, on the defensive again, he snarls, “It’s not like you ever taught me anything different.” He regrets it as soon as it’s out of his mouth.
“Kacchan, wait that’s not what I meant-” He starts, before he’s cut off again by incredulous laughter.
It’s humorless, the chuckles that come out of Kacchan’s chest. When they taper off again he looks down, “I guess I didn’t, did I?”
Izuku wants to refute it, but he can’t because it would be a lie and Kacchan knows that too.
More silence sits between them, this time heavier than it had been before. There are no more secrets now, everything is out in the open again.
Kacchan finally sucks in a breath. “You don’t feel this way anymore right?”
Izuku lets out a small smile, “No Kacchan, I don’t. I haven’t in a long time, and you were one of the people that helped, you know that right?”
Kacchan doesn’t look like he believes him, so Izuku forces Kacchan to look at him. When he does, he pulls Kacchan into his arms. Kacchan squeezes back like he’s really seeing him for the first time.
“You were the only one who truly saw me, all of me.” Izuku whispers into his ear from their embrace, “Uraraka and the others gave me the friendship that I’ve never had before, and I’ll never be able to thank them enough, but you knew me. You knew I was still quirkless and pushed me anyway. You were the person who always knew I could do better, I could be giving more. You and All Might gave me a home to settle my quirklessness as a part of me that I didn’t have to be ashamed of. With you, it’s just a part of who I am. I am Deku, no matter if it’s with a quirk or without.”
Kacchan snorts as if he’s said something funny.
“You and your damn All Might obsession.” He shakes his head where it’s resting on Izuku’s shoulder, “I really should be asking if I can catch up to him, in your eyes.”
Izuku laughs with him as they pull apart.
“Let’s be heroes together again, Kacchan.”