Chapter Text
Snow had fallen just in time for Christmas. It wasn’t a holiday I celebrated, but Dawson’s friends in daycare got him all excited so I had to do something. Steve helped me find a tree and brought some decorations over to the house. He was quite surprised I’d bought a house in a neighborhood.
Truthfully, it took some convincing from Nat to even speak to Steve again after the kidnapping. I didn’t really want to talk about it, but my instincts had taken over. It wasn’t something I could control. He seemed to understand that, but it still didn’t sit right with him.
It didn’t matter to me, those skills kept me alive.
“This is a very nice house, Hailey.”
“Thanks. I figured I needed a ‘permanent address’ for all of the forms and bills the daycare sends. Plus it gives Dawson a sense of normalcy. He gets to play outside with the neighbor kids.” We were sat in the living room having a cup of hot chocolate when a black SUV rolled up. It parked in the driveway then Nick Fury stepped out of the vehicle.
“How did you get him to agree to come over?” Steve shook his head, amazed.
“It’s Christmas. And I asked nicely.” I got up out of my chair and opened the door before he rang the doorbell. He gave me a firm handshake then entered my home. He made himself comfortable on my couch and swiped the TV remote from Steve who then got up and offered his boss a cup of hot chocolate.
The only person missing was…
“Where’s Nat? I thought she said she was coming.” Steve asked while pouring himself another cup as well.
“I’ll give her a call. Keep an eye on Dawson for me?”
“No problem, Hailey.” He smiled and patted my shoulder.
I excused myself upstairs and as soon as I pulled my phone out of my pocket, it rang. “Speak of the devil. Steve and I were just talking about you.”
“All good things I hope.” Christmas music played faintly in the background.
“Where are you? Everyone else is here.”
“I’m headed over. Had to grab a last minute Christmas present for you. Find a way to come out to the safe house. This present isn’t for everyone else.”
My brows pulled together confused. “Okay…. Now?”
“Now, Hailey.” Nat hung up the phone abruptly and I was left very confused. But I racked my brain of something I could say I needed to get from the safe house that I could go get alone.
I went back downstairs and pulled Steve aside. Dawson had come back inside as the sun had started to come down. He was curled up in my chair with a blanket.
“Can you keep an eye on things here for a minute? I need to run back to the safe house, I forgot something.”
“Everything okay?”
Did he not buy my lie? “Everything’s fine. I just forgot something and I need to go get it quickly. I won’t be long.” I smiled and gave him a quick hug before I grabbed my coat and bolted out the door.
The drive back to the safe house was nerve-racking even without all the snow on the roads, but I got there in one piece. I ran up the drive, leaving my car beyond the trees. My nose was running by the time I reached the door.
Nat was standing outside on the porch, a smirk on her red lips. “Merry Christmas.”
She opened the door.
Inside it was still dim save for the lamps and the overhead stove light I left on, but I instantly knew something was off. I scanned every inch of the living room. My chair still faced the window with The Hobbit on the table, but it had shifted ever so slightly to the left.
Then out of the shadows stepped a figure still bathed in darkness. Their hands were stuffed in their pockets and they were wearing a hat. “Hi, Hailey.”
My heart stopped. My stomach fell and my blood turned to ice in my veins. “Kili?”
He chuckled, though he sounded sad. “Yeah, it’s me.”
A choked whimper left me as I crossed the room in three bounds. I stopped myself from grabbing his face in my hands. I wanted to touch him so bad, to confirm that he was really here in front of me and it wasn’t just a mirage my mind made up.
Heat, warmth emanated off him. “You’re…you’re really here.”
“Well your friend is very convincing.”
“I’m sorry.” I apologized, but when I got the chance, I’d hug Nat until the sun come up for this. This was the best Christmas gift I could ever receive.
He seemed nervous, or scared, as he shifted back and forth from foot to foot. “She told me you were missing me. Couldn’t believe it as all the other times you’d forgotten who I was.”
“Well….” Gently, I reached out to cup his face. He didn’t flinch away as my fingers finally found his cheek. It was covered in stubble, but I loved every inch of it. “I remember everything. Even your other name, Bucky.”
He leaned into my touch and reached his right hand up to touch my hand. “I’ve been waiting years to hear you say my name again, sweetheart.”
I giggled. “It took a long time, I’m sorry. But I promise you. There’s nothing in the world that would make me forget you now.”
Rising tears made my nose burn. Bucky buried his face in the crook of my neck and started sobbing. His arms wrapped around me, pressing me further into him. I didn’t want to let go of him, but I pulled back enough to be able to pull him over to the couch.
“I don’t know what to do.” He said between sobs. I wiped the tears from his eyes and continued to caress his cheek.
“I know, but you’re here now and you don’t have to worry about anything.”
“How can you say that? Aren’t you worried they’ll find you? They have guys out looking for you everyday.”
My stomach lurched. “I know. And I do worry, but I can’t show it.”
“Why?”
“Because our son is so happy here. He has friends and is starting school next year. If I worry about people looking for me, Dawson wouldn’t have any of this.”
Bucky scoffed and shook his head, my hand felt to his neck. Wisps of his hair tickled my fingers. “I can’t believe you got out and I cant.”
“You can. Just stay here with me and I can keep you safe. No one but people I trust know that this house exists. We’ll be free and you’ll get to see Dawson everyday. He misses you.”
“He doesn’t know me.”
“James Buchanan, yes he does. Stay here.” I stood up and opened up the drawer next to the fridge that was overflowing with pictures Dawson had drawn of all of us together. I grabbed several of them then went back to the couch. Bucky was still sitting there. “Look. Dawson draws these everyday and includes you in every single one of them.”
I flipped through the lightly creased pictures. In each one Bucky was there with his brown hair and blue eyes holding my stick figure hand with his own. “Dawson knows you very well and it surprises me every time he talks about you. He knows you’ll come home one day and he doesn’t worry because somehow he knows daddy will be home and we can all be a family again.”
Bucky took the drawings from me and flipped through them as I had. “Where is he?”
My chest began to ache. I couldn’t tell him that, not when there was a chance he’d leave in the middle of the night. I wasn’t putting Dawson’s safety at risk just because I wanted our family to be whole again. It would happen one day, all I had to do was wait. “I can’t tell you.”
Bucky nodded. “I understand.” He wiped his nose with the sleeve of his jacket. “I, uh, got a couple days before I have to report back. I’ll stay until then.”
I nodded. I pulled him toward me to rest his head on my shoulder again, but he turned his face to me instead. He was so close we were sharing the same air, our noses were nearly touching. All thought left me, my brain now hazy as Bucky’s scent permeated into every pore of my face.
My heart hammered away in my chest threatening to burst if it didn’t calm down. Bucky studied every inch of my face and caressed his fingers down my cheek. A contented sigh left me as I leaned into his touch. I was ready for him to kiss me when a knock sounded on the door.
My shoulders fell. I held back my disappointment as I got up and opened the door. Nat was outside with her phone against her ear. “It’s Steve. He’s wondering where you are.”
“Tell him I’m on my way back. Give me a minute.” I shut the door and turned my attention back to Bucky who was now standing by the kitchen arch. “I have to go.”
“I know. I heard.”
I grabbed his hand and pulled him up the stairs to my bedroom. Once inside, I rummaged around in the closet for my suitcase that I’d packed extra clothes, money, and identification if needed.
I tossed it on the bed and unzipped it. All that was left now was spare clothes for Bucky. I never knew when he’d come back, but I was always prepared. “There’s a couple changes of clothes in there and I want you to sleep in here. Please.”
“Your ‘go bag’ doesn’t have much in it anymore.”
“This isn’t the only one I have, Bucky. I’m always prepared for emergencies.” A smile flickered on my face. He looked over the contents then pulled something out of it.
“What’s this?” In his hand was an envelope with my name on it. Bucky pulled out the folded photo and the letter I never read and handed them over to me. Then he poured the ring into his gloved hand. He just stared at it with no emotion.
“I…. I was given this letter when Steve came out of the ice. Could never bring myself to read it.” I put the letter and the photo in my pocket then waited for Bucky to react to Steve’s name. He didn’t, he still twirled the ring around in his hand.
“Steve didn’t write the letter, Hailey.”
“What do you mean?”
“I wrote it after Steve rescued me in ’45 and this….” He sighed and approached me then took my left hand in his free one. “This ring was going to be your engagement ring.”
I couldn’t control the river of tears that flowed down my cheeks as Bucky placed the ring on my finger then kissed my knuckles.
“Better late than never right?” He coughed out a laugh and forced a smile. I didn’t know what to say, I didn’t know what to do. “Get going, doll. I’ll be here when you get back.”
“How am I supposed to leave now? Or trust that you’ll actually be here when I get back?”
He pulled me in by my waist and pressed a hungry kiss to my lips. My knees were weak and he had to hold onto me until I was able to stand on my own. “I promise I will be here, Hailey. I can’t leave now. We have unfinished business.”
A blush crept onto my cheeks. Then I stole a kiss of my own, Bucky didn’t hesitate to pepper my face with kisses until my giggles echoed through the empty house.
“I hate to break it up, but we really have to get going!” Nat yelled up the stairs.
Bucky pressed one last kiss against my forehead then pushed me toward the door. “I’ll be here when you get back.”
I nodded, trusting his word and smiled as I left. But as soon as I shut the door and made it down the stairs, there was a chance Bucky would leave and I wouldn’t see him for a very long time.
I met Nat outside, the chill in the air clearing my mind. I had to trust Bucky to stay otherwise he’d never trust himself. Nat tested the door to make sure it was locked then followed me down the long drive back to our vehicles.
I sighed. The cold didn’t feel cold anymore, I felt numb like a part of me had been carved out and I’d been left to die. Bucky was here, but he wasn’t the same. I knew he wasn’t going to be the same.
And maybe it was because I was different.
Changed.
I’d become a new Hailey. One that no one knew existed, not even me. I would burn cities down for my friends. Dismantle governments to keep Dawson safe and happy.
I’d tear the world apart and destroy myself if it meant having a fraction of the old Bucky back. Even in that conclusion, I felt myself crumble. I couldn’t think like that.
We weren’t the same. We would never be the same. Our sense of selves were torn apart by Hydra. And for what…power? They dehumanized us, me. They tore me apart in every way a person could be without succumbing to the pain.
I did what I needed to survive. There was no coming back from that. Even now, as I drove back to my house where friends were waiting, it was all an act.
The fear still existed, still haunted me. It woke me in the middle of the night with silent screams, tears that would not stop. The only safety was in darkness and silence when all the lights in the safe house were shut off and not a sound could be heard but the beating of my own heart in my ears.
It was then I understood survival. I didn’t feel guilty for the things I did, it’d kept me alive. I was still breathing air because of the people I killed, the girls I protected in the Black Widow program. A secret I hadn’t told Natasha yet.
And may never tell her given it would destroy our friendship. And maybe she knew all along. I was under Hydra control until the bells rang in the new millennium when everyone whispered about the world ending.
I’d prayed too many nights before that it would. To end my suffering. To end the evil that was within me. And then the sun rose and I was still alive and the world kept spinning and nothing ever made sense again.