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the days are long, the years are short

Summary:

Some parts of parenting seem never ending, and others pass way too quickly.

Good often outweighs the bad, but sometimes the good is pushed to the limit.

Chapter Text

Sometimes, life is difficult, even when you don’t want it to be.

 

That’s a lesson many people learn the hard way, as they have to learn how to deal with everything and figure out solutions. Something that is often easier said than done, as not everything has an easy solution. Some things could be solved by a talk, some require years of effort. Some feel like they'll never be solved, as sad as that sounds.

 

Some things are impossible.

 

It’s just one of the harsh realities of life that no one wanted to experience.

 

It’s certainly not a thing Agustín wants to experience, especially with his family. He doesn’t want things to be impossible or unsolvable. But sometimes, it’s difficult. It feels so, so difficult.

 

Some days, it’s all he can think about. How the difficulties are always there, yet, how they have managed to live with them and tailor their lives around it all. As if they had accepted them, and they had become part of a new normal. Because how could life go on (it had to, they had to make it work because sadly, life did not stop even in the harshest of circumstances) when there were so many things left to do and solve? When there were so many problems, none of which were getting better?

 

How were they supposed to have the energy when things are like this?  

 

At this point, he has periods of feeling permanently exhausted, depending on what he has to deal with. Sometimes, it makes it impossible to relax, either because the exhaustion is so severe, or because there is an underlying guilt making his brain tell him that he doesn’t deserve to relax until every problem is fixed, or he has failed everyone. If he relaxes before everyone is selfish, he’s selfish and has prioritized wrong. He knows that Pepa has the same thought, making it even more difficult to deal with. It leads to them often pushing themselves until they have splitting headaches.

 

Agustín wasn’t sure that things could ever be this difficult. Or how someone was even supposed to live with such difficulties, especially when they affected everything with their lives, and everything around them. It’s hard and confusing, especially when all of these difficulties affect the entire family. Affected their children. It’s a thought that fills him with anguish every day, and anguish was a sensation he was sadly getting more and more familiar with these days.

 

Pepa was as well. They were both overwhelmed and confused about how to handle it all. Life, their children, themselves. Regular life, the problems, everything in between. There’s so much, and so little time, and prioritizing is a nightmare to a pair of parents who want to help, yet know that they can’t let the house collapse because of a neglect of duties at the very same time.

 

It’s hard to keep a balance with life. And sometimes it feels like they’re walking on eggshells.

 

And sometimes, it feels so hopeless, as there’s no answer to any of this. Agustín really feels helpless, having looked for a sign for years, for over a decade at this point, as things are truly becoming much, much harder. The last year especially, as he thinks of his family and the root of most of their troubles.

 

A sad reality, one no parent ever wanted to admit.

 

Maria.

 

The root to most of their problems was Maria.

 

It’s almost always Maria, and Agustín is really worried about it. And not in the way where he’s worried for her (of course he also is, but that’s a smaller emotion compared to the main problems), he’s worried about everyone else because of her behavior, and how it affects them.

 

It’s going too far. No one knows what to do anymore, as she’s worse than ever.

 

Agustín is truly ashamed of his daughter and the person she’s slowly becoming. And he feels so helpless as nothing seems to work, or slow down this horrible progression. They’ve found no way to turn it all around. They’ve found no way to make Maria improve. Rather, she is worse.

 

She’s always getting worse. He barely knows how much more he’ll be able to take, and he knows that Pepa feels the same. Not a day goes by without the worry in their chests, and the anxious helplessness as they’re trying to find a way to solve it, all without avail. Nothing has ever walked, as it feels like they’re talking to a brick wall. Nothing makes any improvements ever, and so much time and energy is wasted on nothing. Because Maria doesn’t want to improve, it’s something that they’ve found out the hard way.

 

As much as he wants to see no fault in his daughter, he knows he can’t push the issues aside or pretend they’re not as bad as they are. Because they are bad. 

 

Maria is a horrible person, and not even all the parental love or denial can make that harsh truth disappear. She’s a bad person, and unlikable person, and someone Agustín is ashamed of. And just having these thoughts makes him feel like a horrible parent, even though he knows that these emotions are justified. But it makes him feel like a failure of a parent, and that it’s his fault somehow. Like he’s a bad parent who has given up, when a good parent never should, and will find a way if they just try hard enough.

 

He and Pepa have tried everything. They’re getting desperate. And it’s getting harder to keep things under composure. And yes, he’s ashamed of having these thoughts, but he is ashamed of the person that Maria has become, and her behavior.

 

He loves her. Of course he still loves her. She’s his daughter and he loves her unconditionally. But he can’t turn a blind eye to her behavior. Actions have consequences and Maria has to be accountable for her behavior and the way he treats others. He loves her, but he’s ashamed of her and how she’s acting towards others. He’s ashamed and uncomfortable because he loves her. He loves her and he cares for her, and he wants her to do better. He doesn’t want her to be excluded and disliked by everyone because she gets a reputation of hurting people. He doesn’t want her to become a person who can only feel grounded and happy when she pushes other people down. He doesn’t want someone he loves to take joy from misery.

 

If he didn’t love her or didn’t want to fight for his daughter, he would have given up and stopped caring. He would have thought that she wasn’t his problem and ignored it and let the cycle continue. She wouldn’t have been his problem, so why would he care about her behaving like this? He wouldn’t have felt shame and hurt from it if he didn’t care.

 

Agustín cares so deeply for Maria. He wasn’t going to ignore her and her problems, or her struggles, or the struggles that she’s causing others. He wasn’t going to push it away. He didn’t want his daughter to become that lonely person isolating herself without friends because of anger. He didn’t want her only interactions with others to be fights or bullying. He wanted her to have a chance of a normal life, and be happy and liked, but that also meant she had to actually put in the effort and try. He wanted her to have a wakeup call and realize that her behavior wasn’t okay, but that she had a family who loved her and was willing to help and support her as she tried to improve. But the improvement had to come willingly from her as well. It’s not one sided. But he didn’t want her to believe that she shouldn’t even try because no one would believe she’s changed anyway.

 

Agustín doesn’t know if the day of Maria realizing the error of her ways will ever come. He fears it won’t. But a part of him is still fiercely hoping it will. He’s holding on to it, and trying to show his care for her in a responsible manner. She had to be held accountable and couldn’t be coddled and praised for this behavior, but he wanted her to know that they would have her back if she showed improvements or a genuine need to improve on her own. He wasn’t going to let her reputation be set in stone if she was ready to change.

 

And he would do all of that because he loved her. He wouldn’t be so ashamed of her behavior if he didn’t. Because the shame stems from worry. It’s terrifying to have a child like her. There’s no guide on how to raise her, it’s all trial and error. He and Pepa are confused and scared but are trying. And they’re trying to find the balance.

 

Agustín is scared of Maria’s future.

 

Maria hates the way she’s treated. She believes that she’s the one being treated unfairly because of the demand of being held accountable. There’s almost daily arguments, Maria screaming and showing her clear displeasure. She thinks they’re unfair and unjust and that anything they say is “bullshit” and a waste of her time. Because she still always counters and says that she’s done nothing wrong, and that it’s the fault of whoever she torments that they’re being tormented in the first place. She always shifts the blame on who she is tormenting. It’s impossible to get through to her when they're talking about ethics and morals, and the proper way of behaving, and that her behavior is not justified in the slightest and never will be.

 

And she screams that they’re abusive parents in return who have never loved her and just wants her to suffer.

 

Maria’s words are the complete opposite of the truth. Agustín and Pepa love her so much that it hurts, but they’re also realistic, and accountability and good morals are core values of theirs. They’re not going to be those parents who diminish and deny the severity of bullying or believe that their child can do nothing wrong, especially when that’s clearly not the truth. Because Maria has done a lot wrong. More than many other children that Agustín has met. It’s a sad truth.

 

He grows more and more ashamed every day. And it makes him feel such strange and conflicting emotions when his love for his daughter, his shame of her and her behavior, and his duty to raise her to be a good person, and his duty to make sure she doesn’t hurt anyone else all fight each other internally. Especially when it mixes together with his duty to protect his son from harm. It’s conflicting and confusing as he feels an almost permanent exhaustion during periods that are more intense, as Nicolás is also involved.

 

Having a child being bullied and tormented, and another child who bullies and torments are already two separate things taking a lot of energy and causing a lot of emotional drainage. When one of his own children is the one to torment the other, as well as her own mother, it gets even worse.

 

He doesn’t even know where to begin. No matter what he does, he feels like there’s not enough hours in a day, and not enough resources. And there’s no way to help in the way he wants. There’s never enough, he can never do enough or be what his kids, and his wife needs. Some days blur together, and the only thing giving him a sense of normalcy is when he has to go out and deliver a baby. His midwifery grounds him and makes him more clear headed, it makes his thoughts and energy easier to manage for a few days after.

 

Agustín is not used to this level of confusion and stress. Especially for so long.

 

Pepa also needs support, but he doesn’t know how to give her all the support she needs (he really wants to, but it’s so hard when so much of his energy is spent on his own anxiety and confusion). Or how both of them should handle their children. Because even when they try to protect and support Nicolás, Maria is still unwilling to cooperate. They’re stuck. Maria sees no reason to change, she sees no problem with tormenting him, and stopping it would go against her entitled right to fun and enjoyment. She refuses when she loves the torment. And of course Nicolás feels left behind and not cared for when they can’t make his sister stop tormenting him. 

 

Of course he feels like they’ve not tried hard enough to protect or defend him. Of course he believes that they’ve given in to Maria, when they’re fighting tooth and nail to get her to change and actually become a good person.

 

It’s been over a year since they’ve found out that Maria is bullying and tormenting Nicolás. Almost fourteen months since they found out, in fact.

 

And both Agustín and Pepa wish that they could speak of improvements, but they can’t. Not by a longshot, as nothing has improved with their daughter. They’ve got less control of her now then they had a year ago, and Agustín fears that it’s only going to get worse and that giving up on her and accept her as an irredeemable bigot who they would have to distance themselves from and cut contact with when she was an adult would be the only option.

 

He really hopes it won't come to that, and that she’ll turn around and make a change. But so far, it seems unlikely. Because Maria doesn’t want to change. Of course she didn’t, when she doesn’t believe she’s done anything wrong. Everyone else is wrong in her mind, they are the ones who need to change if they should be treated well. Never Maria. She’s allowed to torment people she doesn’t deem worthy of respect, which is everyone.

 

Her behavior disgusts him.

 

Over the past year, everything has become so much more difficult. Maria is acting out more and more, and more people are affected negatively.

 

Nicolás especially, who is still a nervous wreck around his sister. He’s completely terrified of her and grows tense whenever she’s around. The difference in his behavior is night and day. From a reserved, anxious shy who looks around for safety, to almost shutting down and tensing up. He can see the fear in his eyes, and how tense his body becomes, every movement almost forced as he looks close to shutting down depending on how Maria acts around him, or anyone else. It’s like he’s holding his breath, afraid of the worst. Of being hurt both physically and mentally.

 

Even when there’s always an adult around him to protect him from her. What she’s done has already given him deep scars and changed his behavior. Nicolás is seven and a half, but way too terrified to be normal of a kid his age. He’s truly been scarred and sometimes he can’t relax. Agustín remembers how Pepa acted as a kid when she started to be bullied, and Nicolás is taking it way worse than Pepa ever had. But the circumstances were considerably different, and in many ways, worse. He can see his suffering, and it makes Agustín feel the guilt so intensely. And of course he knows that Pepa feels the same. They both do.

 

The permanent exhaustion from trying to handle the situation, and the guilt, is eating them alive. But no matter how many nights of sleep are sacrificed to help Nicolás, and make Maria change, nothing works. It’s a miracle that Nicolás is speaking again, and has become a fragment less reclusive, but only if Maria isn’t around.

 

It’s not healthy, none of it is. Nicolás shouldn’t have to be constantly watched by an adult or his sisters, with Maria being out of sight to even feel the faintest amount of peace. It’s not fair to him, not at all.

 

It’s almost impossible to solve. Agustín doesn’t know how. Neither does Pepa. They talk about it constantly, both so desperate for answers to the point where they’re practically begging fate for a sign on what to do. They’re tired, overworked and anxious about their family, having to constantly comfort one another. It’s tiring, the exhaustion is making itself clear.

 

They never expected anything like this when they began to grow their family. They didn’t expect perfection by any means, no child (or adult) is perfect, but they didn’t prepare for this amount of stress either. 

 

And as Maria is just getting worse, so is the exhaustion and the troubles they face trying to stop her. A task which has been impossible ever since she was a toddler. It’s like nothing, and truly nothing, can get through to her. And as she gets older, things get worse and worse, and Agustín truly fears that she’s becoming dangerous. Not just in a way where she might punch someone, no, but dangerous for real. Especially as her threats are getting dangerous too.

 

She’s getting older, smarter and stronger. 

 

Maria turned thirteen a few days ago, and her birthday party had truly been a disaster. A disaster is an understatement with her behavior. It’s way more than the proud entitlement coming from her. And it was more than her self-importance. She had used her birthday party to start a fight with literally everyone in the house the moment someone didn’t cater to her every demand, or when she didn’t get something completely unreasonable. Not only that, she had a loud screaming fit in front of the entire town when she had been told off on some of her behavior.

 

Maria had come to the conclusion that she as the birthday girl was entitled to stand in front of the town, insulting and degrading “whatever weirdo that disgusted her because it’s her birthday and the people she mentioned were so useless anyway so the entire time got to know anyway and they need to take advice from her to become normal, because that might make people realize which people they should exclude and the normal people would become normal like Maria” as she had put it. She had quickly shouted the names and “the perfectly good causes to call out and exclude them” to the village, as she had started with a few of the different schoolchildren, before bringing up Nicolás and how she had loudly screamed that “mentally behind idiots like him should just disappear and that his pathetic crying just shows why it’s so much fun to laugh at him.”

 

Of course it had escalated from there. Maria had caused a fit and screamed about false abuse claims when the family had cut her party short, and she had screamed how Nicolás had ruined her birthday for simply existing because the family had immediately come to his defense when “she was right and deserved to speak her mind especially on her birthday.”

 

Agustín wished that he was joking. But Maria had done every single thing, and the village had all seen and looked on, truly appalled. Her reputation is truly being set in stone. She’s not a little kid anymore and is expected to take accountability for her actions.

 

He still has a headache from her birthday. And he wishes that was the worst of it, but it wasn’t. And both he and Pepa fear that this will be far from the worst. Especially as they always speak about her at night, wondering what they’re going to do. She’s just becoming worse. She keeps bullying her brother and her other victims, and her torments are all becoming more severe as she becomes more dramatic and she acts out. The entire village is seeing it.

 

She is getting more aggressive, her behavior reeks of even more entitlement the older she gets. Of prejudice too, and all she does is try to torment kids and chase that high of feeling like she’s better than everyone else. She demands everyone to see it as truth, and demands to get away with everything. Bullying is literally all she seems to do at school as well, because her grades keep slipping, and all she does is to interrupt the class and disturb everyone else. She’s sent home so often. She doesn’t care about schoolwork at all and doesn’t put in any effort, either with her homework or at school.

 

And nothing Agustín or Pepa does work. Nothing anyone else in the family does works. Nothing any outsider does ever works.

 

Nothing works with Maria. Nothing has any effect. No matter what they tell her. She simply laughs in their faces and insults them, seeing it as a game, and one that she’s winning at. Of course she’s winning, because no one can get through to her.

 

They’re worried about her and her future. They’re worried about who she will become as she becomes an adult. What kind of person she will be, and how her behavior will continue to affect others. They are worried that she’ll become just the kind of person that has tormented Pepa all the way into adulthood. They’re worried she’ll torment others all her life. They’re worried that that will be what she’ll be remembered for and nothing else, and that she’ll never learn or change.

 

They’re worried about how she’ll affect others. They’re worried about Nicolás, and how his health will deteriorate if they never find a way to get Maria to stop.

 

There’s so much worry. So many what ifs. So many confusing new thoughts.

 

Agustín feels tired. Of course he does.

 

He’s exhausted having to keep all these thoughts inside. He’s tired of not having an answer.

 

He’s tired of his daughter being the cause of all his problems, as sad as that sounds.

 

He’s tired of what kind of person Maria has become.

 

He’s tired of having to grasp at straws to even find one likable quality in his daughter.

 

It shouldn’t be like this.