Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

After the grueling battle against Lucien in Aeor, the Mighty Nein are battered, exhausted, and sore. They’ve barely made it through, and the strange environment around them only heightens their anxiety. Not knowing exactly where they are, they find a floating patch of land in the void, which offers a momentary refuge. Caleb, with his last bit of magical strength, conjures his tower, and the group quickly enters. Veth and Jester secure the entrance with traps and alarms, while Caleb’s magical cats prepare a meal.
Once inside, everyone staggers to their rooms, desperate for rest. Fjord and Caduceus take the first watch, while the others collapse into sleep. Caleb, retreating to his own room, begins to tend to his wounds in solitude, physically spent yet mentally replaying the brutal battle they’ve just survived. They know they’ll need all their strength if they hope to leave the Astral Plane and recover fully.
In the stillness of the night, Caleb lay on the bed in his tower, the quiet hum of magic casting a soft, ethereal glow over the room. The tower was his creation, an escape from the chaos and destruction of the world outside. Tonight, after the clash with Lucien, it felt more like a sanctuary than ever before.

The wounds from the fight still ached, both physical and emotional. Despite the healing magic, Caleb’s body bore bruises and cuts, reminders of the close call they’d all had. But it wasn’t just the fight that weighed on him. There were other, deeper scars—ones that no magic could heal. And tonight, they seemed especially raw.

He was just drifting into a restless sleep when he heard a quiet knock at the door.

“Who is it?” he called, his voice rough with exhaustion.

“Essek.”

There was a few seconds of silence and anticipation before Caleb said “Come in.”

The door opened slowly, and Essek slipped inside. He was dressed simply, his usual ethereal robes replaced by something more comfortable, though his demeanor still carried its usual elegance. The faint light in the room cast shadows across his face, and for a moment, he looked almost vulnerable.

“Can I help you?”Caleb asked, uncertain of Essek's intention in visiting here after recent events.

Essek floated toward him and stopped by his side, taking the bandages in his hands and, calmly and gently, continued tending to the redhead’s superficial wounds. Caleb wasn’t sure if he wanted to stop him or if he simply didn’t have the strength to do so.

“What are you doing here?” His eyes were fixed on Essek’s hands as they worked on his bandages.
Essek said softly, his eyes lingering on the cuts and bruises scattered across Caleb’s skin. “I… I wanted to check on you. I thought you might need some more healing.”

Caleb offered a tired smile. “You know, for a man who prefers his solitude, you’ve been checking on me a lot these days.”

Essek’s lips twitched in the faintest hint of a smile. “I… It seems I have acquired the habit.”

"I wonder why you're doing this."

He moved closer, sitting on the edge of the bed as he produced a small vial of healing salve from his pouch. Gently, he dipped his fingers into it, then carefully began dabbing it over a cut on Caleb’s shoulder. Caleb inhaled sharply at the cool touch of the salve, but Essek’s fingers were steady, precise, just like they were in everything he did.

"I know you. I figured you might be carrying the weight of recent events on your shoulders, even though you're being incredibly unfair to yourself."

They sat in silence for a few moments, the only sound the gentle scrape of Essek’s fingers as he applied the salve. Caleb was almost lulled by the quiet, the steady rhythm of Essek’s hands calming him. But there was something in the way Essek’s fingers lingered, how his touch was almost tender, that made Caleb’s heart beat a little faster.

“I thought I was going to lose you today,” Essek said suddenly, his voice barely above a whisper.

Caleb froze, his breath catching as he looked up into Essek’s face. There was a vulnerability in his expression that Caleb had rarely seen—something raw, unguarded. Essek’s violet eyes were wide, reflecting the dim light of the room, and for the first time, Caleb could see the fear in them.

“I have faced many things in my life,” Essek continued, his voice trembling slightly. “I’ve walked into the darkest depths of Wildemount, committed acts I can never undo… but today, watching you… I was afraid. I don’t know if I could bear to lose you.”

Caleb swallowed, his throat suddenly dry. “Essek… I…” He struggled to find the words, but they caught in his throat, trapped by the emotions swirling in his chest.

Essek’s gaze dropped, his fingers pausing in their work. “I never… I never allowed myself to feel this way before. To… care like this.” He hesitated, his voice barely a whisper. “But after what happened… I couldn’t deny it anymore.”

Caleb’s heart hammered in his chest, his own feelings surging to the surface. He’d cared for Essek for so long, in ways that went beyond friendship or even loyalty, and that he couldn't even understand. But he’d always held back, afraid of what it might mean, of how it might end. Yet now, seeing the vulnerability in Essek’s eyes, he couldn’t hide anymore.

“Why now, Essek?” he asked, his voice trembling. “What’s different?”

Essek looked up, meeting his gaze with a quiet intensity. “Because now… I see how much it would hurt to have my existence without you, to lose you.”

Caleb’s breath hitched, his heart swelling with emotions he could barely name. He’d been so afraid of letting himself feel, of opening up to someone who might slip through his fingers like everyone else. But Essek’s confession, raw and vulnerable, broke down his defenses.

Essek’s hand moved from Caleb’s shoulder to his cheek, his thumb tracing a gentle line along his jaw. His touch was soft, hesitant, as if he were afraid that Caleb might pull away. But Caleb leaned into it, his eyes fluttering shut as he let himself surrender to the warmth of Essek’s touch.

Without another word, Essek leaned in, his lips brushing against Caleb’s in a kiss that was tentative, almost shy. Caleb’s breath hitched, and for a moment, they simply stayed there, lips barely touching, the weight of their shared emotions hanging heavy between them. And then, with a soft sigh, Caleb closed the distance, deepening the kiss, his fingers tangling in Essek’s hair as he pulled him closer.

The kiss was slow, unhurried, filled with all the things they’d both left unsaid for so long. Caleb’s heart raced, his body tingling with the warmth of Essek’s touch. And for the first time in what felt like forever, he felt whole, complete, as if all the pieces of himself had finally fallen into place.

When they finally broke apart, both of them breathless, Essek’s eyes were bright with unshed tears. He pressed his forehead against Caleb’s, his fingers still tangled in his hair.

“Stay with me tonight,” Caleb whispered, his voice barely more than a breath.

Essek nodded, his fingers tightening around Caleb’s hand. “I’m not going anywhere.”

Essek kissed him again, this time with more urgency. Caleb brought his hands to Essek’s waist and guided him toward the bed, so that the drow swung one leg around Caleb, settling into his lap without ever breaking the kiss.
They moved slowly, savoring each moment, exploring each other’s touch with reverence, as if neither dared to rush. Essek’s fingers were gentle on Caleb’s skin, tracing patterns along his collarbone, his touch both soothing and electrifying. When the kiss was no longer enough and the lack of air began to burn his lungs, Essek’s hands left Caleb’s hair and moved down to his chest, while his lips traveled to the redhead’s neck. Caleb closed his eyes, feeling the tension melt from his body as Essek leaned in, their lips meeting in a slow, lingering kiss that made his heart flutter.
But then, something inside Caleb shifted. As they grew closer, more intimate, a quiet voice from deep within his mind stirred, bringing with it the familiar weight of worry, a worry that maybe, in some essential way, he wasn’t what Essek thought he was.
Caleb pulled back slightly, his breath coming quicker, and his heart thudding in his chest. He placed a hand on Essek’s chest, gently breaking their embrace.
“Wait a moment, Essek,” Caleb requested, when their bodies were only a few centimeters apart. The fear spreading through his body didn’t come from any unfamiliarity with the drow; they had been in the same group for a long time and knew each other well. He knew Essek’s scent, his taste, and how he moved. But Essek didn’t know everything he needed to know about Caleb. This would be the first time Caleb would have access to real and safe intimacy with someone reciprocally, who, now after the confession, liked him just as much and who he had no fear of. He wouldn’t be bound by what wasn’t said, by what wasn’t shown, or by his past.
Essek’s violet eyes opened slowly, a slight frown of confusion crossing his face, though his gaze was still warm, patient. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to-” Essek spoke impulsively, worried he might have crossed a line. “What is it? Are you nervous?”
“No, I’m not nervous, really. I just want to tell you something important.”
Caleb sat up a little, pulling the blanket around himself as if it could shield him from the vulnerability he was about to expose. He hated the weight with which he had to force himself to keep secrets. Everything related to his identity, when he rehearsed the possibilities of telling it, sounded like the confession of a crime or an unforgivable sin. It was disheartening to have grown up with the language of guilt spread everywhere as the only way to refer to trans lives. Discovering oneself should be a reason for celebration, the public abandonment of a tiny and suffocating space of life should be met with hugs and relief. He couldn’t think of another way to explain himself that wasn’t serious, the dramatic preparation of the ground, the guilt, and the anticipation of rejection. His eyes dropped to his hands, and he took a shaky breath before speaking, his voice barely a whisper.
He hesitated, his fingers knotting together as he tried to make himself say it. “I… I wasn’t always… like this. “Before, I—Magic does extraordinary things, but it still isn’t the cure for everything.”
He chanced a look at Essek, expecting confusion, or maybe even the faint glimmer of discomfort. But Essek smiled discreetly and slightly, also remained serious, focusing intently on understanding every word being said..
“Magic doesn’t guarantee that someone will have a normal life one day, that someone will be waiting for them at home, that they will be a whole person, who recognizes themselves when they look in the mirror. There’s a saying in Zemnian that goes, ‘Ich bin weder fleisch noch fisch, ich bin ein Mann.’ I am neither flesh nor fish, Essek.” He grabbed Essek’s face with his hands and brought it closer to his. “I am a man, even if life has played a trick on me, even if my body reminds me every day that I’m not. I never show my body because it turns more and more into a maze of decaying flesh from which I don’t know how to escape. I try very hard to adapt, I can fool others, and I do that very well. But this—continues—here.” Caleb released Essek’s face and placed his hands, digging his nails into the skin of his breasts, now revealed by the contact under the loose shirt he was wearing. “And this doesn’t go away, Essek. It never goes away. I live between two worlds without anyone waiting for me in either. And no one can save me.” Caleb said at last, his voice barely more than a whisper, as if he feared saying it too loudly would break the fragile peace between them. “I’ve carried this… for a long time. And I understand if this is… more than you signed up for.”
Caleb’s words trailed off, and he braced himself for the response, expecting Essek to pull away, to look at him with that kind of polite distance that he’d seen before. His initial intention with that confession was to pour out all the liquid that had been festering inside him for decades, rotting his insides, especially because the last fight with Lucien in the Astral Plane had seemed to give him a glimpse between life and death, both things he most desired. The second was to open himself up to a possible love and show up for what would be his first safe encounter with the nakedness owed to a true lover. Having done so, he was overcome by solitude and a cold and bitter relief, similar to what one feels after vomiting, when the bad taste in the mouth can’t be avoided.
Instead, Essek’s hand reached out, his fingers warm as they slid along Caleb’s cheek.
“Oh, Caleb,” Essek murmured, his voice achingly soft. His eyes were gentle, filled with a warmth that Caleb hadn’t expected, and he leaned in, pressing a tender kiss to Caleb’s forehead. “I can’t save you from that, but I can definitely wait for you at home. And I can love you for who you are and for myself,” Essek spoke as if pulling clumps of clay from within himself. He shook his head, his hand moving to cup Caleb’s cheek. Caleb had never expected to live such a moment. Essek kissed him on the cheek once, twice, three times, advancing to his ear. When it was within reach, he caressed it with his lips and whispered, “I like you for who you are, here and now,” he said, his voice unwavering. “Your past, your story… it’s all part of what makes you you. And I love you in all your ways, Caleb Widogast.” Essek admitted and leaned in for another kiss. “But I understand if you’re not comfortable to go any further.”
Caleb let out a shaky breath, his heart swelling with a mixture of relief and love he hadn’t allowed himself to feel in years. He leaned forward, closing the distance between them as their lips met once again, this time with a newfound depth, a shared understanding that only made the bond between them stronger.
As they lay back down together, Essek’s arms around him, Caleb felt a peace settle over him, a sense of belonging that filled every crack and crevice of his soul.
Essek’s hands moved down to the line of buttons on Caleb’s shirt, undoing them one by one with calm precision. When he finished, he gently slipped the fabric from Caleb’s shoulders, leaving his breasts bare. Essek then lowered his hands to the waistband of the wizard’s pants but felt him tense up.
“I’m sorry…” Essek asked him to stop what he was doing, but Caleb held his hands in place. “Can I touch you or will this make you uncomfortable?” Essek asked, looking into Caleb's eyes before continuing.

“Please.”

What happened next was to reclaim lost time. On that nascent night, for Caleb, being with Essek felt like walking barefoot on fresh grass, without gravity, without panic, without untangling knots of drama to feel alive. Being a man, being a woman, being neither, is something that cannot be experienced or built alone; his body needed to provoke desire for itself, to be defined by hands that wanted it, to move freely, as if dancing, and provoke the right responses. It was feeling whole for the first time, without objections, without shadows on the wall, without harsh voices shouting humiliations in his ear. He discovered that, though elusive and brief, gender euphoria existed and burst through him from all sides.
---
The borrowed cart rattled along the road, the creaking of the wooden wheels accompanied by the occasional jostle as they hit a bump. The Mighty Nein, weary and battered from their fight in Cognouza, clung to what little comfort they could find as they made their way back home. Each of them bore new bruises, deeper scars, and the memories of their harrowing battle, but they were alive, and they had freed the lost souls of the city.
Caleb sat hunched over, eyes closed, trying to steady the storm of nausea that had been churning in his stomach for hours. The exhaustion from the battle had taken a toll, but this was different. He felt an unease that ran deeper than simple weariness.
“Beau, could you stop for a moment?” Caleb’s voice was strained, and he didn’t have time to explain before his body lurched forward. He vomited over the side of the cart, the sound of retching breaking the steady silence.
Beauregard tightened her grip on the reins, glancing over her shoulder with concern. “Whoa! Stopping!” she called out, pulling the cart to a halt.
Veth was already moving, hopping down from her seat next to Beau and landing lightly on the ground. She rushed to Caleb’s side, placing a comforting hand on his back. “There, there, let it out… Better out than in,” she said with a nervous laugh, masking her worry.
Caleb groaned, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand as Veth offered him a clean handkerchief. “Thank you,” he muttered, his voice raspy.
Veth frowned, her sharp eyes studying him. “You’ve been looking a bit off for days now. Do you need to walk a bit? It helps with the nausea sometimes. Luc used to get sick on long trips, so I’d walk with him until he felt better.” She gently tugged on Caleb’s sleeve. “Come on.”
Caleb nodded hesitantly, sliding down from the cart. The rest of the group exchanged glances, their expressions a mix of concern and exhaustion, but Veth waved them on. “Go ahead. We’ll catch up,” she said.
Fjord, who had been watching from the back of the cart, nodded solemnly. “Don’t be too long. We’ll keep an eye out for you.”
As the cart moved on, Veth led Caleb a few paces down the road. The quiet of the countryside settled around them, the distant calls of birds and the rustle of leaves breaking the silence.
“Feeling any better now?” Veth asked, peering up at him.
Caleb’s gaze was distant as he took a shaky breath. “A little. Thank you,” he said, though there was an edge to his voice, something more than physical discomfort.
Veth raised an eyebrow. “Are you sure you’re not sick? You don’t look feverish, but if you’re feeling off, we should have Cad take a look. He might have something that can help.”
Caleb shook his head, glancing at Veth with an expression that was unreadable, full of apprehension. “No, Veth… it’s not that,” he said quietly, his voice trembling.
Veth’s eyes widened, the playful concern turning into something more serious. “Caleb, is there anything you want to tell me? What’s going on?”
Caleb looked at her, the weight of the secret he’d been holding pressing down on him. “I… I have a question,” he said, the hesitation in his voice making her stomach twist.
“Of course,” Veth said, stopping in her tracks and turning fully to face him. “Go on.”
“How did you know you were pregnant?” The words came out in a rush, as if he feared he might not get them out if he paused.
Veth’s mouth fell open for a second before she caught herself. “There are… ways to know,” she stammered, eyes darting over his face as the pieces fell into place. “Why?”
“I think I might be,” he interrupted, his eyes a storm of uncertainty and fear. The confession hung between them, raw and vulnerable.
“Oh, Caleb,” Veth breathed. “I didn’t even know you were planning… Were you taking the potions for it?”
“No,” Caleb whispered, pulling back slightly, his eyes cast downward. “It was… it was an accident. In Aeor.” He swallowed hard, his voice almost breaking. “I- uh… was born a female, Veth.” Finally, the confession. His best friend should’ve known.
The silence that followed was profound, Veth’s eyes widening as she processed his words. But then, as quickly as the shock came, it melted away, replaced by fierce empathy. “Oh, Caleb,” she said again, softer this time, reaching up to cup his face. “You should have told me.”
“I didn’t know how,” he admitted. “And now… now I don’t know what to do.”
Veth’s expression hardened with determination. “First, we get you through this. You’re not alone, Caleb. You have me.” A few seconds of silence passed before Veth spoke up. As usual, there was a playful tone in her voice, without losing its tenderness. "From the noise I heard in the tower a few days ago, I can imagine why this happened. And I assume Essek is the other father, right?" She tried to stifle a laugh.
Though it wasn’t the right moment, Caleb knew his best friend was only trying to ease the tension, and honestly, the fact that she always took things lightly was what he liked most about her. Their relationship was the perfect balance.
"Ja," he replied.
“Are you gonna tell him? I noticed he was worried about you on the wagon. And honestly, why are you two even trying to hide what’s going on between you? It’s so obvious; everyone already knows. We heard, and we're just pretending not to notice out of respect for you… and because you're all messed up after Lucien."
Caleb’s eyes darted away, fear flickering in them. “I don’t know if I can tell him,” he said. “I’m afraid of what he’ll think.”
Veth squeezed his arm, eyes blazing with loyalty. “If he cares for you—and I know he does—he’ll stand by you. And if he doesn’t, well, then we’ll just have to teach him a thing or two about being there for family.”
A small, wavering smile crossed Caleb’s face, the first in what felt like days. He took a deep breath, feeling a little steadier with Veth by his side.
“Feeling any better now?” Veth changed the subject.
“Actually, yes.”
“See? I told you. Come on,” Veth said, taking his hand. “Let’s get you back on the road. As soon as we stop for the night, I’ll make you a revealing tea, and then we’ll have our confirmation.”
They returned to the wagon, and Caleb stayed silent, focusing on not feeling sick, now for two different reasons: the effects of a possible pregnancy and the anxiety of knowing if he was actually pregnant. The Mighty Nein continued down the road for a few more hours until they found a safe clearing to spend the night. Caleb summoned the tower where they would sleep, and after dinner, Veth went to Caleb’s room, requested the ingredients she needed from the cats, and made a mix of infusions she recalled from a few years back. In the end, she had a whole teapot of a steaming liquid, in an unappealing shade somewhere between green and brown.
"Here we go. Revealing tea. It’s the easiest way to know." She showed her creation to her friend.
"I have to drink all of that?" he asked, already imagining the horrible taste.
"No, one cup is enough, but you’ll need to pee. If you drink it all, you’ll definitely have to go. So… yes. Drink it all" She offered it to him.
As unpleasant as the color was, the smell and taste of the drink were equally awful, and it was a struggle to swallow. But Caleb forced it down, especially with Veth’s stare pushing him. For a few minutes, they sat in the room, chatting about anything else, until Caleb finally felt the urge to go to the bathroom.
"Well, the chamber pot is all yours," Veth jokes. "If it’s green, you’re in the clear. If it’s purple, you’re going to be a dad. But I’m not looking at your pee—that’s a boundary in our friendship I’d like to keep, with all respect."
Caleb went to the bathroom, feeling the anxiety in his throat. When he returned, Veth stood up and asked, "Well? What’s the verdict?"
"Purple," he said, expressionless.
Veth hugged him. "Look, whatever you decide to do now, you can count on me, okay? I’m here. And if this is what you want, I think you’ll make an amazing dad." She looked like she was about to say more, but a knock on the door interrupted her.
"Caleb? May I come in?" Essek’s voice sounded from the other side.
"Time to go. Tell him," Veth whispered threateningly to her friend and opened the door. "Hi, Essek." She smiled, her eyes hinting to him that she knew what was going on, then left them alone.
"I apologize… I didn’t know Veth was here," Essek said, still lingering outside the room.
"Please, come in," Caleb invited, and Essek stepped in, closing the door behind him.
Despite what had happened between them a few nights ago, it was still awkward territory—they didn’t know what this was between them or how to act. So, Essek stood there, hovering near the door, unsure.
"I wanted to know if you’re feeling better. From the stomach trouble this afternoon?" Essek asked.
"I’m feeling better." There was a pause before Caleb continued, "Something happened." He finally began.
Essek’s face softened as he stepped closer, his usually guarded expression melting into one of deep concern. "What happened, Caleb?"
Caleb took a deep breath, his hands fidgeting as he struggled to find the right words. His gaze flicked down to the floor, then back up to Essek’s eyes, which, for once, held no pretense—only undivided attention and care.
"Well…" Caleb began, feeling a faint tremor in his voice as he forced himself to hold Essek’s gaze, "it turns out that my stomach trouble wasn’t… just that." His cheeks warmed, the gravity of what he was about to say weighing heavily on him. "I’m pregnant, Essek."
The words hung between them, heavy and surreal.
Caleb swallowed. "And it’s ours." His voice softened on the last word, and he watched Essek’s reaction, feeling a tangle of vulnerability and hope twisting inside him.
"This is… beyond anything I could have imagined. But," he added quickly, reaching toward Caleb, though he hesitated mid-gesture, "not… unwelcome."
The flood of relief that washed over Caleb was almost overwhelming. A soft, genuine smile appeared on his face, and he took a step closer, feeling the tension between them ease. "I didn’t know what you’d think. Or if you’d even… want to know."
Essek shook his head, his eyes still wide but softening with a tentative, almost tender smile. "Of course I want to know. Caleb… you should never doubt that I’d want to be here with you." He let out a shaky breath breaking the silence. "I just did not see something like this coming. At least, not now."
"Neither did I," Caleb admitted, a quiet chuckle escaping him.
Essek’s expression softened completely, a rare vulnerability shining in his eyes. Slowly, he closed the distance between them, pressing his forehead against Caleb’s in a gesture that spoke louder than words. "Then together it is," he whispered, his voice filled with quiet determination. "Whatever this journey brings… I’m here. I’m with you."
They stood like that for a long moment, letting the enormity of it settle between them. For the first time in days, Caleb felt the tight knot of anxiety in his chest loosen, replaced by a fragile but undeniable warmth.
As the silence stretched, Essek’s hand lifted to rest against Caleb’s cheek, his touch reverent, as though Caleb himself had become something wondrous and precious. Essek murmured, his voice barely above a whisper. “How long have you known? What can I do?”
Caleb’s fingers closed around Essek’s hand, anchoring them both. “Not long,” he admitted, a hint of amusement breaking through. “I thought I’d eaten something strange until I started feeling… different. More than nausea.” He looked down. “And then, the spells I cast… they felt different too. Warmer. Like there was more than just me channeling them.”
Essek’s brow furrowed slightly, his thumb tracing small, reassuring circles against Caleb’s cheek. “This is nothing short of… miraculous,” he murmured. “We should speak to someone who knows more—about both magic and biology. I want to understand every detail.” His gaze turned almost fierce with determination. “If we’re going to bring this child into the world, we’re going to do it right.”
Caleb stepped back a little to look at the man in front of him.
"I appreciate your support, but I’d like to ask you for something."
"Of course. Anything," Essek replied.
The redhead sighed heavily. "My past with my parents is no secret, and despite the strangeness of not feeling opposed to this pregnancy, I don’t know how I’ll feel from here on out. I think it might trigger some bitter memories and behaviors. And, honestly, I don’t know how the changes in my body will make me feel. My dysphoria might become extremely intense. I want to be respected, above all else."
"Of course. I’ll take care of you," Essek said, emphasizing the word "you," so that Caleb would know his choices would be respected at any moment.
"We’ve rushed things," Caleb said.
"You and I have made many mistakes. This might be the chance the stars are giving us to finally start getting things right," Essek replied in a low voice, pressing a kiss to Caleb’s lips.

Chapter Text

The rain drummed softly against the window, a steady lull that seemed to deepen the silence in the room. Caleb sat in the alcove, one hand splayed over the gentle curve of his belly, the other resting limply at his side. The glow of the fireplace bathed the room in a warm amber light, casting long shadows that danced along the bookshelves and walls. A worn leather-bound journal sat unopened beside him, abandoned in favor of the unending cycle of thoughts that clouded his mind.

He traced small circles on the stretched skin beneath his fingertips, feeling the life that grew inside him. The corners of his mouth twitched upward, a fleeting smile that dissolved as quickly as it appeared. It was a smile laced with the paradox that defined these moments: joy interwoven with a relentless current of discomfort. A miracle that made his heart ache with pride and a shadow that cast doubts he couldn’t shake.

Caleb let out a long, shuddering breath and glanced at his reflection in the glass. The soft curve of his belly was visible even in the dim light, a silhouette that felt foreign. He shifted, averting his eyes, but the feeling persisted—a gnawing dissonance between who he knew himself to be and what his body seemed to insist on reminding him. The roundness of his belly, the changes to his chest, and the subtle softness of his body—none of it aligned with the man he saw himself as. All of that was a reminder that even after years of embracing his truth, his journey was never quite as straightforward as he’d hoped.

A creak behind him snapped him out of his thoughts, and he turned to see Essek standing in the doorway. His husband’s robes fell in elegant, shadowed folds, framing his delicate features and sharp eyes that always seemed to hold the night itself. There was an immediate warmth in Essek’s gaze, a look so full of understanding that Caleb’s chest tightened.

“Caleb,” Essek’s voice was as smooth as silk, but a thread of concern wove through it. “You seem deep in thought. You were so quiet it got me worried. I couldn’t hear not even a quill on the parchment. That is uncommon of you, my dear.”

Caleb attempted a smile. “Always, aren’t I?” He tried to sound light, but the hollowness in his tone betrayed him. He looked down at the swell of his belly, fingers curling as if to shield himself from the ache he felt. “It’s nothing.”

Essek’s brow furrowed ever so slightly. He crossed the room with a grace that barely disturbed the air, settling beside Caleb on the cushioned bench. “Forgive me, but I know ‘nothing’ does not bring such a storm to your eyes.”

Caleb swallowed, his eyes darting to the window as if it might offer an escape. The rain outside blurred the world beyond, obscuring everything but their reflections. His voice came out in a whisper, edged with weariness. “I feel… unmoored. Split between joy and something that feels like betrayal.”

Essek was silent for a moment, his gaze never leaving Caleb’s face. When he spoke, his words were chosen with care. “Betrayal of yourself?”

“Yes.” Caleb’s voice cracked, and he shifted to face Essek, his auburn hair falling into eyes that glistened with unshed tears. “I look at myself and feel like a stranger. This body—it’s doing something miraculous, something that part of me cherishes. But the rest of me…” He trailed off, pressing a hand to his chest as if trying to still the tumult inside. “ And… it’s probably just hormones, I know, but it’s also not just hormones? And I hate having these hormones causing me this…”

Essek’s eyes softened, his own hand moving to cover Caleb’s on his chest. The touch was grounding, and Caleb closed his eyes for a moment, letting the warmth seep in. “Caleb, what you are feeling is not a betrayal. It is the complexity of being human—of being you. You are not defined by this vessel alone. You are the man who carries life within him because he is brave, because he loves beyond the bounds of fear.”

Caleb’s eyes flew open, meeting Essek’s. “But what if I can’t hold onto that? What if the parts of me that are slipping away can’t be reclaimed?”

Essek drew in a deep breath, the firelight dancing in his silver eyes. “Then I will be here to remind you of who you are, every day, as many times as it takes. You are not alone, Caleb Widogast, and you are not diminished by this. You are expanded by it.”

Caleb’s throat tightened, and he let out a shaky laugh, tinged with bitterness. “You make it sound simple.”

“It is far from simple,” Essek replied, his voice dipping into a rare moment of earnestness that broke through his usually formal demeanor. “But simplicity is not required for truth. The truth is that I see you, not despite the changes you are going through, but because of them. I see a man who is steadfast, who holds his head high even as the world around him shifts. You are a paradox, Caleb, but one that I love deeply.”

Caleb’s eyes glistened with unshed tears as he turned to face Essek fully. His hands trembled as he reached for Essek’s, intertwining their fingers. The silence between them was heavy, laden with the vulnerability that had always marked their relationship.

“I’m afraid,” Caleb admitted, his voice raw. “Afraid that until and when this is over, I won’t know myself anymore. That I won’t feel like the man I fought so hard to become.”

Essek’s gaze was unwavering, full of compassion and love that bordered on reverence. “Then let me remind you. Every day, in every word, in every gesture. Let me be the keeper of your truth when it feels lost to you. You are not defined by what you see in the mirror, my love, but by the heart that carries both your strength and your doubts.” Essek stopped speaking when a thought crossed his mind. “I'm sorry. I don't want to come across as a savior.” He continued."I may never fully grasp the intricate nature of your feelings, nor the depth of your experience. However, I wish to convey that it appears the judgments and perceptions of others wound you more deeply than any harm you inflict upon yourself. How others perceive you and the assumptions they draw from your appearance should not hold such power or cause such profound damage. It is unjust to the man you have become. A man may be tall or short, possess long or short hair, have or not have breasts, and yet it seems that people concern themselves excessively with matters of anatomy that are not their own."

Caleb felt the dam inside him break, and a tear slipped down his cheek. Essek reached out, his fingers brushing the tear away as if handling the most fragile piece of glass.

“You are more than enough, Caleb,” Essek said, his voice low and resonant. “Not because of what you do, or what changes. You are enough simply because you are.” Essek leaned in to whisper in Caleb’s ears. "Moreover, it is entirely natural to feel conflicted about the changes while still cherishing the small life growing within. Parenthood need not be romanticized."

The words pierced through the storm in Caleb’s mind, leaving a moment of stillness in their wake. He took a deep, shuddering breath and pressed their joined hands to his belly, feeling the faint movement beneath.

“Do you feel that?” Caleb whispered, eyes wide and filled with wonder.

Essek’s gaze softened further as he nodded, leaning closer. “I do. A testament to our love, to your resilience.”

For the first time in days, Caleb felt a warmth spread through his chest that wasn’t tinged with doubt. He leaned into Essek, their foreheads touching, as the rain outside softened to a whisper.

“Thank you,” Caleb said, the words as much a promise as they were a plea. “For seeing me, even when I can’t.”

“Always, my love,” Essek replied. “Now and forever.”