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Chapter Text

‘Mom, did you know Uncle Rafa is living in Brooklyn now?’ Noah had asked that morning over cereal.

Olivia nearly choked on her coffee.

It was that rare, wonderful type of Saturday morning, when Noah had no commitments with friends, and she had not been summoned in for some crisis at work.

‘Sorry honey, what did you say?’

‘Uncle Rafa, he lives in Brooklyn now, right, like out in Fort Greene?’

‘Where did you hear that, honey?’ She tried to ignore that sinking, guilty feeling that came over her whenever Noah brough up that name. She took a sip of coffee and tried to swallow the guilt along with it.

‘I was out there with Conor, and his Mom and Dad for that choir service last weekend, remember, in the Tabernacle?’

‘Of course I remember, honey.’ How could she forget Conor and his perfect parents, and their perfect house in the suburbs? They were a regular reminder of all the ways in which the life she had offered Noah fell short. Of course, she also knew she offered him a fierce love and support, and a security that he could truly be himself with her. But that didn't mean she didn't still have moments when she doubted herself.

‘Well he was right there. He was at the service with his Mom.’

‘He was?’ Olivia wondered if she sounded as stupid to Noah, as she was sounding to herself.

‘Yeah he was, but I forgot to tell you until just now.’ Noah looked down, and Olivia wondered whether her son had really forgotten, or if he had sensed that something was amiss between her and Rafael, and as a result, he had been afraid to mention it. She hoped not. She had never wanted Noah to have to walk on eggshells, the way she had to, with her own mother. She remembered the click of her mother's key in the door of their home and that sudden feeling of anxiety over which version of her would be arriving home that evening. But that wasn't how things were for Noah, she reminded herself, far from it.

‘Well I hadn’t heard. To be honest, honey, I didn’t even know he was back in New York, at least not permanently.’

‘I guess you guys kind of fell out of touch, right? Like what happened with my friend Joey, when he moved schools, remember?’

‘Yeah, I guess it was kind of like that,’ she lied, topping up her coffee.

‘His mom is a really nice lady.’

‘I think I met her once,’ said Olivia. She didn’t think, she knew.

‘She invited us to come to dinner at his house.’

Olivia looked around the kitchen, and back at her son. Everything around her had the appearance of normal reality, and yet she felt as if something had shifted, and wondered if this might possibly be a dream.

‘I’m sorry, she what?’

‘Well, first I asked Uncle Rafa what he was doing there, and then he explained his house was a short subway ride from the service. And then I asked him about his house. His Mom said, you should see his house, he just got done painting the downstairs area. Then she said, you and your family should come by and visit him one night for dinner.’

This was a lot to unpack. Barba owned a house, and they were invited there to dinner apparently, which somewhat flew in the face of their ongoing feud. There had to be more to this story, as he would never have seriously just invited her to his home. Not after the things she had said to him the last time they met. She cringed a little bit, just remembering the vulnerability and pain etched across his face.

‘I think she thought Conor’s family was my family, but Uncle Rafa explained. He said, no Mami, this is Olivia’s son, this is Noah.’

‘Oh right, well that’s good that he explained.’ Barba would have been surprised to have met Conor, because Olivia had never had the chance to tell him about any of that. She couldn't help but feel some nostalgia from their old, cosy chats at the end of the day, over a glass of scotch. She had felt as if she could share almost anything with him back then. It was hard to think of anyone with whom she had ever been more emotionally open. Of course, that had just made the severance of their friendship all the more painful.

‘And then his Mom said, yes of course, Olivia, well you and your Mom would be welcome there any time, and Uncle Rafa said yes, too, that of course we would.’

Noah gave her that hopeful, million dollar smile of his, and she was lost for words.

‘Well that’s… that’s really nice of them to offer Noah.’

‘Yeah, so I guess we can just call him any time, and tell him we’ll come over, right?’

‘Well, you know your Uncle Rafa, he’s always so busy with work.’

Noah studied her. ‘I guess, But maybe that was before?’

‘Before?’

‘Like before when you guys were in touch. That was a long time ago, things might have changed.’

He really wasn’t letting this go. ‘I guess they might have.’

Noah had finished his cereal, and hopped off his bar stool, taking his bowl to the sink and rinsing it.

‘But if you are talking to him, I can’t tonight okay? Because Conor and I are doing game night, remember?’

He placed his bowl in the dishwasher and closed it with a click.

‘You are? That’s tonight?’ She felt strangely bereft, she had thought they would be spending the evening together. She had pictured a movie night in with popcorn, maybe a double bill of some old favourites. She saw Noah waver, his lip trembled.

‘I don’t have to go though, it’s no big deal,’ he said, looking for her reaction.

She shook her head. ‘No, not at all that’s fine. I just forgot. I guess your Mom is getting old.’

Noah laughed. ‘You’re not old, Mom.’

She smiled. ‘I knew I kept you around here for a reason.’

As Noah went about his day, getting ready for his trip to Conor’s house, Olivia contemplated what she would do with her free evening. On impulse, she texted Amanda to see if she was free to join her for a glass of wine. When she got a text back in the affirmative, she smiled. She really welcomed the chance to reconnect with Amanda. It felt lonelier in the precinct without her, even though she was happy to see her finally finding a career for which she had a lasting passion.

They met in a wine bar that evening just after eight.

Olivia had arrived first, her glass of Cabernet already sitting in front of her.

When Amanda walked in, she rose to give her old friend a hug.

‘I feel lucky that you managed to fit me in between all these new Intelligence trips,’ she said.

‘Sounds like Sonny has been keeping you informed,’ said Amanda, with a knowing look.

‘He’s very proud of you,’ Olivia said, honestly.

‘Well, that feeling is mutual,’ said Amanda with a smile, taking a seat at the high top table opposite Olivia. The waiter dropped by, and she ordered a glass of wine too.

‘I have to admit, I felt a little guilty going out tonight, when I have only been home a few days. But he insisted.’

‘You got one of the good ones, there, Amanda,’ said Olivia, and Amanda nodded.

‘I cannot disagree. I got very lucky,’ said Amanda. ‘Well, eventually, that is. Remember some of the guys I dated in the past?’

‘How could I not!’ said Olivia, with a hoot of laughter, as the waiter deposited Amanda’s wine on the table.

Amanda raised her glass. ‘A toast to finding the right one, eventually?’

Olivia grinned. ‘I’ll drink to that.’ They both clinked glasses.

‘Speaking of which, how is Stabler, these days?’

‘Eliott?’ asked Olivia ‘To be honest, I haven’t seen him much lately.’

‘Well that’s surprising,’ Amanda commented.

‘It is?’

‘Well yeah, I guess I thought, after all this time, you guys were finally going to take your shot together.’

‘He wanted to.’ admitted Olivia, taking a sip of wine.

Amanda took that in, and looked at her curiously.

‘And what about you, Liv, what did you want?’

Olivia sighed. ‘Honestly? Not that. Maybe it’s just been too long. I don’t know. Or maybe I’m just not meant to be with someone.’

Amanda shook her head vigorously. ‘I don’t believe that for a second. And deep down, neither do you.’

‘I’m very happy with my life with Noah.’ said Olivia.

‘I know you are, honey. That doesn’t mean you can’t want anything more.’

Olivia sighed. ‘Enough about my love life, Amanda, it’s too bleak. Tell me about the kids, how are they all doing?’

They passed some time exchanging stories about Jessie, Billie, Nicky and Noah, laughing and going back and forth. It wasn’t until there was a slight lull in the conversation that Olivia though to bring up the issue that had been niggling at her.

‘You know, Noah ran into Barba last weekend.’

‘No way?’ Amanda’s mouth dropped open. ‘That must have been a real blast from the past for you? How did that happen?’

Olivia told her about the choir service. ‘I didn’t even know he was back in New York, let alone living in a house in Brooklyn.’

Amanda frowned. ‘I think I had heard about that from Sonny.’

‘He never told me.’ said Olivia.

‘I think he kinda got the impression you didn’t want to hear about Barba,’ Amanda said, giving her a careful look.

‘I suppose that’s fair.’ said Olivia. ‘Has he been there long, do you know?’

‘I think he bought the house a couple years back, after a big case, but he only started living in it recently. He’s been fixing it up in his spare time.’

Olivia paused. ‘Barba, doing D.I.Y., really?’

Amanda smirked. ‘Well, I don’t know how much he’s doing himself exactly, I’m sure he has some help. Sonny took the girls to visit his brownstone one day on the way home from the Prospect Park Zoo. Apparently it’s in great shape.’

‘Well that’s good, I guess.’ said Olivia, noticing she was nearing the end of her wine. ‘It sounds like a big enough place for just one person.’

Amanda raised an eyebrow. ‘Are you wondering if he’s there on his own? I don’t know but I bet I could find out.’

Olivia blushed. ‘Oh no, God, please don’t. That would really be embarrassing, if he thought I was fishing around for information on him.’

‘Please, he would never know, I am just that good.’ Amanda gave her a wink, and made a gesture to the waiter for another round.

‘It’s none of my business. Only, his Mom must have talked him into inviting Noah and I to visit. But that would be crazy, right, after everything that’s happened? I couldn’t just show up at his house.’

‘Well no, you’d definitely be better calling first.’ said Amanda.

‘And say what? You know, we didn’t exactly leave things on good terms.’ Olivia looked down at her hands, noticing the lines on them, and thinking about how much time had passed since she last saw Barba.

‘I know you didn’t, sweetie. But things can change, and they can also get better, if you want them to.’

‘I’m not sure that I do, and if I did, I definitely don’t know where to start.’

‘It could be as simple as a cup of coffee,’ suggested Amanda.

Olivia shifted in her chair, uneasy.

‘Okay, okay, forget it, I can tell I am hitting a nerve. But you can’t stop me from putting my spies into action.’

‘All that intelligence work is really outside of my remit anyway,’ said Olivia smoothly, draining the last of her glass.

Chapter Text

The lid on the coffee pot in the break room was jammed again. Olivia pulled at it in frustration. When it gave way, it splashed and stained her new coral shirt. She swore under her breath and then took her coffee mug into the office to catch up on some paper work.

She was still there an hour later, when Carisi came looking.

He knocked before opening the door enough to peer inside.

‘Am I interrupting, Captain?’

‘Come on in, I could use the break,’ said Olivia, taking off her reading glasses and rubbing her eyes.

‘I wanted to check if you had the files for the Warren case ready for me?’

She smiled and tapped a neat pile on the left corner of her desk ‘Updated and ready to go, counsellor,’

He smiled. ‘That’s terrific, thanks Olivia. I start on witness prep on that one tomorrow.’

‘Happy to help,’ said Olivia, with a shrug.

Carisi picked up the file, then lingered near her desk. He was studying her, she realised, trying to see if this was a good time to bring something up that he suspected might not go down well.

She looked at him suspiciously. ‘Something on your mind, counsellor?’

Carisi pursed his lips, and shifted on his feet. ‘Hmm, well actually, could I?’ He gestured to the seat in front of her desk and she nodded.

‘So what’s up? Are you finding it difficult at home with Amanda’s new travel schedule?’ Olivia asked.

She wondered if he was hoping to discuss some aspect of parenting, a topic for which he had come to her for advice on before. She felt complimented whenever he sought her out on those matters. It didn't seem like so long ago that she was a new adoptive parent, and a single one at that. She remembered feeling like an imposter, constantly afraid that someone would figure out that she wasn't up to the task and take Noah away as quickly as he had arrived into her life.

‘Well, yeah, it’s tough, but we’re getting by just fine.’ Carisi shifted in his seat.

Olivia had a sinking feeling as to what he wanted to bring up, already. She would be having words with Amanda, if she was right.

‘Well, she’d kill me for saying this, but Amanda told me about that situation with Noah and Barba.’

‘Oh, did she?’ asked Olivia, evenly.

‘And I know it’s none of my business.’ Carisi looked her in the eye. ‘But I was just thinking- I mean, if Barba invited him over to his place, and he wants to go, then I could take him over there. I was going to take the kids to the park this weekend anyway. Noah could tag along. He’d be helping me out really, I mean those three together are kind of a handful.’ Carisi shook his head in askance, an unconvincing attempt to convince her the three kids were not the combined light of his life.

‘I bet they are,’ said Olivia. ‘And this is not in some way you trying to push me into getting back in contact with Barba.’

Carisi’s guilty face said it all.

‘Hey, Cap, I heard you loud and clear, after the Wheatley case. I know you haven’t forgiven him for taking it. I respect your decision. I mean, if you don’t want Noah spending any time with him.’

‘I never said I don’t want Noah spending any time with him, Carisi. It’s not like I think he’s some kind of a monster.’

Carisi smiled, almost involuntarily.

‘Oh right, that’s cool, then, so you’re okay with it. Amanda wasn’t sure.’

‘So the two of you didn’t come up with this idea together, or anything like that?’

Carisi winced. He was a terrible liar, for a lawyer.

‘I mean, not as such, we might have talked it over. But Amanda said that if you didn’t go for it, that I should just drop it, and not be a pest.’

Olivia nodded. It all felt a little bit strange, really. The idea of Noah, Carisi and the kids, all over at Barba’s house, whilst she stayed home by herself in their apartment next weekend. It felt… lonely. And more than that, it felt a little petty, too, if she were honest. How would she explain to Noah why she wasn’t coming, too?

She put her selfish concerns aside and thought about it from Noah’s point of view. He hadn’t had a lot of permanent male role models in his young life. And even since she and Barba had been on the outs, she knew they still exchanged texts, and that there were presents that arrived at birthdays and at Christmas. She wasn’t blind as to what that did for Noah and his self-esteem. She wanted him to have men he could look up to, and talk to, who had known him growing up.

Olivia sighed. ‘Okay, fine Carisi, if he wants to go, that’s fine by me. Of course it is. It sounds like a fun day out.’

‘Well if you really think it would be fun, you know you’re welcome to join us.’ Carisi looked at her, and he knew he had gone too far. She just raised an eyebrow, and he nodded. ‘No, of course not, I get it, you don’t want to. I will pick Noah up, and I will drop him off- you don’t need to worry about a thing. You can actually get some time to yourself, for a change.’

Olivia smiled. ‘Sounds great.’

‘So it’s a plan.’ Carisi got up, and adjusted his tie, preparing to make an exit. He glanced towards the door.

‘And just- I know, you probably aren’t interested, but it’s just Barba living there. Well, him and his dog, Bruno that is. I mean, not that you care, but just so you know.’

‘Barba got a dog?!’ She was so surprised that she hadn’t been able to stop herself from blurting out the question, and she chided herself for it internally.

But really, a dog? A dog, and a fixer upper brownstone, really?

‘He’s good around kids, if that what you are worried about. The dog, I mean.’

Olivia sighed.

‘Okay, well that’s fine, the dog sounds fine, it’s all good.’

‘Great, I will text you on Saturday morning when I am leaving for the park.’

That evening, when she arrived home, Olivia felt more tense than usual. She told Noah straight away about the upcoming visit to Barba’s house. He was excited, and even more so when he heard about the dog. Of course, he had asked her if she was sure she couldn’t come, but she begged off with some excuses about a lot of paper work she had to catch up on. He didn’t seem to suspect anything, or if he did, he didn't want to challenge her on it.

She took a bath after dinner, and felt some of the stress melt away into the hot water laced with lavender and rose scented bath oil.

She pulled on a robe afterwards, and unpinned her hair. When she got around to checking her phone, she noticed he had a missed call from a familiar number. Rafael Barba.

There was a voicemail, too.

She went into the kitchen and poured herself a glass of red wine, before she hit play.

‘Hi Liv, it’s me. Rafael, that is.’ He sounded nervous. ‘Carisi called me about this weekend, and I just wanted to make sure that it’s okay with you, for him to bring Noah by. Ordinarily, I would have run it by you, but Mom and I just happened to run into him at the church. Anyway, this message is getting far too long. But I just wanted to make sure it’s okay, and of course if it’s not, you can let me know. And that’s all. Oh, and I hope you’re doing well. Okay, bye.’

As she sipped her wine, she replayed the message two more times.

It was the tone of his voice that struck her the most, the trepidation.

She remembered how Barba had been when she first met him, smooth, confident, self-assured, one might even say arrogant. He didn’t sound like that now, leaving a message on her answering machine in order to presumably avoid her somehow finding fault with his offer for her son to visit his house. The original invitation had been for the both of them, but he hadn’t mentioned that.

It didn’t feel entirely good, to be the person provoking all that anxiety in him. If she were truthful with herself, it made her feel seen as cold, unforgiving, and maybe even cruel. And the fact that one of her oldest friends was the man who saw her that way- well that stung too, perhaps the most of all.

She didn’t need to call him back.

He had left her a way out- by asking her to let him know if there was a problem. No problem, no call needed.

And yet, it didn’t feel like the civil thing to do, either. If Noah was spending time with him, they needed to be on speaking terms. They had been on speaking terms already, the last time the unit needed a defence lawyer on call.

Before she could over-think it, she took a large sip of wine, and then pressed the call button beside his number.

The phone rang three times, and then he picked up.

‘Hello?’

‘Hello, Rafa?’

‘Liv, oh hi!’ She heard a bang, as if he had just put down a hammer. ‘You didn’t need to call. Unless, well, is it a problem? Noah coming over, I mean.’

‘No, it’s not a problem. I just thought I should call, and say so. I mean, I am happy for you to have him over, he’s excited to go.’

‘Oh, okay that’s great.’ She could hear a dog’s bark in the distance. ‘That will be really nice to see him again. How have you been, anyway?’

‘Oh, you know, same old,’ she said, feeling awkward. ‘And you?’

‘Oh yeah, I’ve been good. I cut down on my hours at work lately, I’ve been trying to get this place renovated. It’s a bit of a money pit, honestly, but it’s been kind of nice, in a way. To do something different.’

She considered it, just for a moment. The idea of doing something different. It was a heady thought.

‘I’m sure you’re up to the challenge,’ she said.

‘Thanks Liv. You’re welcome to stop by sometime yourself, you know, if you ever want to see it. Though it’s very much a work in progress.’

She heard another bark, and then a bang and a sharp, pattering noise.

‘Shit, I don’t know if you heard that, but my dog just knocked over a whole box of nails. Down, Bruno, get down. Dios, he’s just walking all over the nails now. ’

She couldn’t keep away a smile at the image. His life sounded so different than it had been the last time they had spoken.

‘I better let you deal with that situation Rafa. Sounds messy. You’ll see Noah on the weekend, anyway.’

‘Okay, yeah, I suppose I better go. Thanks for calling. See you Liv, take care.’

‘You too.’ She hung up the phone, and as she finished her glass of wine, she decided to turn on some music. She realised then that this was the least tense that she had felt all day.

Chapter Text

Rafael Barba surveyed his kitchen with a critical eye.

He had put away any tools or items that he thought might be dangerous for Carisi’s younger children. In the fridge, he had a couple of homemade dips, and some burgers and veggie burgers that could he could grill on the deck out back. Kids liked burgers, right?

He knew that he would be much more relaxed if it was just Carisi coming by with the kids again. It was the idea of Noah that was throwing him off.

He had been shocked to see Noah at the choir service. He was so much taller than he remembered, more of a young man, already. He had grown out of being the playful little boy that he had remembered. But the smile that spread across his face when he spotted Rafael was much the same as the child’s smile had been.

Rafael’s heart had jumped to his mouth, because when he saw Noah, he expected Olivia, and he did not feel ready. How ridiculous, after more than two years, to still feel so ill-prepared. His mother being there made it worse. She didn’t know what had happened between them, and she wouldn’t understand, though she would likely suspect that the problem had somehow arisen as a result of his pig-headed-ness. Which wouldn’t be entirely wrong, either.

But he had seen Noah, and then his mother had encouraged him with that invitation, and then Carisi had called. The whole thing had spiralled out of control so rapidly

He had come to accept a quiet life.

The brownstone, he had bought in 2021, in January. He remembered wishing Olivia a happy new year in the street, and walking away with such a feeling of hope that he was turning a corner. That maybe, just maybe, they might turn a corner.

A fee had come in from a class action civil suit he had lead on mainly as a favour to an old friend who was one of many employees poorly treated due to her company’s sexist advancement practices.

His mother had been telling him for years that he needed to invest in a real home, and so it happened that one frosty day after walking her to a choir service, he saw the for sale sign. He just felt something straight away, looking at the front steps and the sash windows.

The owners were in a rush to sell, and prices had dipped because of the pandemic, and so he just rushed right in, and signed the contract. The mortgage, minus his sizable deposit, was manageable. It needed work, but he could do that over time, raise money for the larger expenses, and try his hand at some of the easier work himself. He still knew one of two guys from the Bronx in construction he could call on in a pinch.

He'd seen Olivia after he had bought the place, but he didn’t tell her about it. The words were on the tip of his tongue, one night over dinner, and then he thought better of it.

He couldn’t put his finger on why.

He began to develop a plan of how he would get all the work done, have the floors finished, the painting done, and then invite her over some day and surprise her. But then, life had surprised him instead.

He glossed over the nightmare that was the Richard Wheatley trial in his memories, but he still remembered how it felt, coming back to the house afterwards, and realising that she would never set foot through his door, not after all that. Not after she said that he betrayed her, and she could never get over it.

Seeing Noah had brought that feeling back to the forefront of his mind. Because even Noah, on some level, had to know that who he really was, was the man that Olivia Benson no longer wanted anything to do with. Even Carisi felt sorry for him, which was a truly humbling experience, at first. Over time, though, it started to feel more like true friendship.

Walking through Prospect Park in the drizzle in Fall of 2022, he had heard a bark behind him, and turned to see Bruno, a mongrel, with some Collie and some German Shepherd in the mix. He had no leash, and no collar, and looked like he had seen better days. Barba knew the feeling. He had tried to discourage him from following, even thrown a stick to direct him away as he picked up his pace, but that damn dog had followed him all the way home.

By then, the rain had become even heavier, and he hadn’t had the heart to leave him on the stoop, so he let him inside. The rest, as they said, was history. He had tried the webpages for missing dogs and the local vets and shelters, but no owner came forward. So he got him up to date on his shots, and now, he had a dog.

He had to admit, there were times it was nice to have the company. When he went in to the office, Bruno stayed in a dog day care run by his neighbour, Sarah. When Rafael arrived to pick him he, the dog was always thrilled to see him. He would bark joyfully and stand up to place his paws on Barba’s legs, expecting to have his head rubbed and his chin scratched, and it became hard to care about the paw prints he might leave behind.

He was company to watch an old movie with, on a rainy night. The thing he had come to appreciate about the dog, was how non-judgemental he was when it came to bestowing his affection. He just offered up love and appreciation, and expected so little in return, bar food and dry place to sleep. Bruno also made the house feel more like a home. If Rafael needed to travel for a longer time, his mother would often come to the house and look after him, which meant he wasn’t spending too much time with strangers.

This life, in this house, still sometimes felt surreal, and it was not where he had seen things going for himself. Especially not the decision to step back from work and focus on getting the house in order.

Since the Householder case, he had become more aware of the risk of burnout, and the importance of preserving his mental well-being. A few month ago, he had found himself dwelling on the outcome of a case, a wrongful conviction he hadn’t been able to prevent. He had seen the signs in himself, the lack of sleep, the tendency to have that one more drink than he should have at the end of a night. And he had acted in self-preservation, and cut way back on his hours for a while. He’d started doing things like going for long walks, taking his mother to see the choir sing... and of course, that was when fate intervened, and he came across Noah.

He'd done the right thing, checking in with Liv that the visit was all right with her. He had never really expected her to come by herself.

But then, she had called him.

He hadn’t expected that, either.

Maybe it was just wishful thinking, but he had even thought that he could even hear a little warmth in her voice. And she was happy for him to spend time with her son. He couldn’t help but think that must mean that she couldn’t think so little of him, after all. Maybe that choice to defend Wheatley, as much as it had hurt her, wasn’t the only thing she remembered about him, and about who he really was.

He tried to push down the hope he was feeling, that maybe this could be the beginning of them putting the past away. The hope kept rising up, though, and then there was a knock at the door.

Noah was the first one at the door, with Jessie just behind him. Carisi held the hands of both Billie and Nicky, who was now a toddler, as they made their way more slowly up the front steps.

‘Hi Uncle Rafa,’ said Noah, and he gave him a quick hug, without any apparent thought at all.

‘Noah, Jessie, it’s so good to see you, come on in,’ he stepped out of the way to let them pass, and both kids wiped their feet on the mat before going inside. Carisi lifted Nicky up the last few steps, and then looked up with a flushed face, and a smile.

‘Sorry we’re a little late, man, we got caught up on the swings.’

“Don’t even mention it, it just gave me a little more time to get myself together.’

It did his heart good to see Carisi so happy. Irritating as he had been as a colleague, he had always been a good man, a principled guy, and he had turned out to make a very good lawyer too. There was a confidence about him, too these days, now that he was a father, and a husband. Rafael could remember the days when Carisi had been admiring Amanda from afar, whilst she chose other men, sometimes even men who hadn’t treated her the way that she deserved. He was able to empathise with how that must have felt. But now, here he was, on the other side of it all, and miraculously, for once, the nice guy actually had gotten the girl.

‘Can Billie use your bathroom? She’s been asking all the way here.’

Barba looked down at Billie. ‘Yes, of course she can, it’s the second door on the left.’

‘I remember from last time,’ said Carisi. ‘Can you take this guy, he’s tired of walking?’ He handed Nicky straight into Barba’s arms, which reminded him of how Olivia had once handed Noah to him. He liked to think he was a little bit more relaxed about it, all these years later.

‘Sure, no problem,’ said Barba. As Carisi disappeared to show Billie to the bathroom, Nicky gazed up at him with big, watery eyes.

‘I have snacks in the kitchen.’ He told Nicky. ‘You like snacks, right?’

He started to carry him inside, and heard Bruno bark out on the deck behind the kitchen, clearly excited to see the guests arrive.

‘Is that your dog, Uncle Rafa?’ asked Noah. ‘Can we let him in, can I pet him?’

‘We can, Noah, just let me set Nicky down,’ he placed Nicky sitting up in a low armchair hear the patio door. ‘Jessie, can you watch your brother for me?’

‘Sure’ said Jessie, sitting into the chair beside Nicky and putting her arm around him. Rafael could tell what a great big sister she would become, already.

Carisi came back into the kitchen.

‘Carisi, I was going to let Bruno in, none of the kids are scared of dogs or anything, right? He’s very gentle.’

‘Yeah, it should be fine. We’ll be right here to keep an eye on things.’ Carisi took a seat at a bar stool by the counter.

As soon as the door opened, Bruno raced inside, and around the kitchen, stopping to sniff each of the new guests. Noah lavished him with the most attention, which he was happy to accept.

Noah turned to him with shining eyes. ‘Bruno is the best dog, Uncle Rafa, you are so lucky.’

‘I guess he’s okay.’ said Rafael with a smirk. ‘When he’s not chewing up my new Italian loafers.’

‘Good to know you’re still a clothes horse,’ said Carisi, taking a tortilla chip from a bowl on the counter. ‘Some things never change.’

‘There’s some dips to go with those in the refrigerator,’ said Barba. And I have some burgers we can grill too, if you think the kids would like them?’

‘That sounds awesome, thanks.’ said Carisi.

‘Do you have any treats we can give Bruno?’ asked Noah, keen to bolster his burgeoning friendship.

‘I’m pretty sure I have some biscuit things somewhere.’

Rafael went searching in a drawer and retrieved a small bag.

‘Thanks,’ said Noah.

He told Bruno to sit still and then rewarded him with a biscuit. ‘You’re a clever dog,’ he told Bruno.

He looked at Rafael. ‘I want a dog so much, but my Mom won’t let me have one.’

Carisi and Rafael exchanged a look. Rafael hoped Carisi might answer, but he wasn’t forthcoming.

‘I guess that’s because you live in an apartment, Noah. Dogs like Bruno kind of need a yard. I probably couldn’t have kept him, if I didn’t have one, because he wouldn’t have anywhere to let off steam.’

Noah looked sceptical.

‘Maybe if Mom comes here, and she sees Bruno too, she’ll change her mind about the dog?’

This time Carisi did interject. ‘Now, hang on Noah, I know your Mom well enough to know that she’s not that easy to talk into things.' Carisi and Rafael exchanged a knowing look of agreement.

'Plus, she has a lot on her plate with work right now. And Rafael’s right that you that you don’t have the space for a dog like Bruno, in your place, either.’

Noah sighed, and Rafael could tell that the argument was far from over. As a long-time pro-longer of arguments himself, he knew the signs of someone who had not given up.

‘You know, you’re welcome to visit Bruno again, anyway, Noah. Maybe you can help me talk him for a walk sometime too, I can show you how he likes to play frisbee.’

‘That does sound like fun.’ said Noah.

‘Yeah it does,’ said Carisi, setting out the bowls of dips and uncovering them. ‘Kids, who wants some chips, these dips look so good, by the way, Rafael.’

Rafael shrugged in response.

Noah left the dog and walked to the counter.

‘Don’t forget to wash your hands before you eat,’ Carisi reminded him, and he nodded and made his way to the sink.

He turned around to look at Rafael again as he washed his hands.

‘And if we go for a walk with Bruno, Uncle Rafa, then Mom’s invited too right?’ he asked.

Rafael paused. ‘Well, of course your Mom is always welcome, Noah. She’s just very busy right now with..’

‘…busy with work, yeah I know,’ said Noah, drying his hands and reaching out to take a chip. ‘But she can’t be busy all the time.’

Rafael bit back a response. He was coming to understand that Noah was now at an age where he would not be easily deterred from getting his own way. Which was fine, once it didn’t cause him any problems with Olivia.

Chapter Text

That Sunday morning, Olivia made French toast for their breakfast, and tried not to think too hard about why she was making the extra effort.

Noah was still wired from his visit to Brooklyn and he was really giving the hard sell about that dog, already asking when she would come for a walk with Bruno and Barba in the park.

She should have seen it coming, and maybe she even had. Perhaps, this was subconsciously why she had told Amanda about the invitation, and set the visit in motion.

There was a certain ache that she felt every time she learned something new- how Uncle Rafa made the best burgers, how he had a deck with a barbecue (exactly how much had this house cost, Olivia wondered?) and even how Bruno liked it the best when you tickled him under his chin. In a different life, Olivia and Rafael could still have been close friends, and none of this would be news to her. She would have known all this because her best friend would have been back living in New York, and she would have seen him all the time.

She often thought of that life- of the other life she might be living if Kathy Stabler had never died.

If Kathy hadn’t died, then Kathy and Elliot would still be together. So then per Kathy's wishes, Elliot would have continued to stay absent from her life. She would have kept on going with her life as before, and never looked back to that lonely person she had been over a decade before, when Elliot had suddenly walked out of her life. As partners, they had a bond like she would never have with anyone else, but there were also parts of their relationship she wasn’t proud of. She had wanted more from him than was healthy, and emotionally, he had given more than was right.

In the years since his departure, her life had changed- and she had endured some of the worst trauma she had ever faced, especially the William Lewis ordeal. But against all that adversity, she had blossomed too. She had risen through the ranks at work, and she had become a mother, and she had made new friends. She had formed relationships where she could fully be herself, with people who were authentic to her, without any need to think about what ifs, or make believe that things could be different. Brian was far from perfect, but he loved her. Tucker had wanted to spend the rest of his life with her. Life had delivered some harsh blows, his suicide not the least of them, but the risks she had taken without her relationship with Stabler holding her back, held few regrets for her. She had known what it meant to come first to a man, finally. Maybe she wasn’t willing enough to compromise, or the timing was off, but the experience of being loved, and chosen, was still a part of her that would never fade away. She knew now that she would rather be alone than ever settle for something that felt like being second best.

‘So can we go to the park with them next weekend Mom?’ asked Noah, as he finished the last of his toast, and took a gulp of orange juice from his glass.

‘Next weekend? Honey, I don’t know, I’m not sure about work yet, they might need me to come in.’ That wasn’t strictly true, because as the Captain, Olivia had a pretty significant role in making the schedule.

‘Oh,’ said Noah, with a frown. ‘But then…’ he chewed his lip, and didn’t finish his sentence.

‘What’s on your mind?’ asked Olivia.

‘Well, but aren’t you worried that if you don’t come see him, that Uncle Rafa will get his feelings hurt?’

‘What makes you say that, honey?’ asked Olivia carefully. She rose to rinse her plate at the sink, so he wouldn’t see the discomfort written across her face. ‘Did he say something that makes you think he will be upset? ’

‘No, he didn’t say anything at all. He says you’re very busy with work. And so does Uncle Sonny….’

‘Well that’s all true, hon, I am.’

‘I know, and I know that your work is really important, but…’

‘But?’

‘It’s just a feeling I got, not because he said anything, but something I felt, that he was sad that you weren’t there. And I really think you’d like it, if you came and met Bruno and everything.’

‘Bruno does sound pretty amazing.’

‘He really is. Here, let me show you this photo that Uncle Sonny took.’ Noah lit up the screen on his phone and was soon into the gallery, passing the device to Olivia at a selected photo.

It was a photo of Noah and a very happy looking brown and white mongrel. Behind Noah stood Rafa, with his hand on Noah’s shoulder, smiling straight into the camera. He was a little greyer than she remembered, and his beard was perhaps a little rougher around the edges. But his warm, green eyes looked exactly the same. Her heart skipped a beat.

‘That’s a great photo, honey’ she said sincerely.

Noah nodded. ‘I want a print-out to put on the fridge. I'll make one at the library next week.’

She nodded dumbly. She tried not to linger on the realisation that she would then be looking at a photo of Rafael and his scruffy but adorable dog bonding with her son, every time she went to get some milk for her coffee. How had it come to this?

‘Hon, let me see what I can do about that walk, okay? I just don’t want to make any promises, work is really crazy right now.’

Noah nodded, and gave her arm a squeeze. ‘Don’t worry, Mom, I understand. I know you’ll do the best you can.’

Olivia lucked out that Amanda was around for a coffee near the precinct a few days later.

‘So, I heard they all had a great time at Barba’s,’ Amanda remarked knowingly, as they both sat with their lattes in the nearby coffee shop.

‘Yeah, that dog was a big hit,’ said Olivia, tearing a piece off her apple cinnamon muffin and taking a bite.

‘Bruno, so I heard,’ nodded Amanda. 'He does sound sweet.'

‘Noah has been torturing me about getting a dog ever since.’ said Olivia.

Amanda smirked. ‘Well, I suppose I’d be having the same problem, if we didn’t already have Franny.’

‘Amanda, I know you love Franny, but I just can’t face the thought of the added responsibility right now.’

‘Hey,’ said Amanda and she held up her hand for emphasis. ‘No judgement here, Liv. You are an amazing Mom, and you have enough on your plate. Noah will come round.’

Olivia nodded and took a sip of her latte. Some foam remained on her lip, and she licked it off.

Amanda looked at her. ‘Is that all this is, Noah being persistent about the dog thing?’

‘No it’s not just that. He wants me to go to the park this weekend, with him and Rafa.’

‘Oh.’

‘Yeah, Oh. And I kind of feel like I am running out of excuses.’

‘Well I guess this kind of opened up the door. His visit, I mean.’

‘I suppose I thought that we could keep the boundaries in place, and just let Noah go over sometimes with Carisi,’ said Olivia. ‘I didn’t want him to miss out on something he clearly wanted.

‘I know you didn’t,’ said Amanda warmly. ‘And now you feel, what, in over your head? You just don’t want to see him? I mean, eventually, Noah will understand that. And Barba isn’t expecting anything, not after everything.’

‘You mean after how I abruptly cut him out of my life and never gave him a chance to make things right?’

‘That’s not what I said.’ Amanda spoke firmly. ‘I know there was something deeper underneath that argument. He hurt you.’

Olivia looked down. ‘He brought up my father, Amanda. He said I was defending Stabler because I had some kind of daddy issues. He was somebody I trusted with so much of my past, and then he chose to just use it against me. He didn’t have any right to psycho-analyse me, or to reduce me to that.’

‘You’re right, he didn’t.’ Amanda looked uneasy.

‘But?’

‘I didn’t say but, there is no but. He was wrong, and he overstepped.’

‘But…?’

‘But you know why he did, right?’

‘Because he’s an arrogant jerk who always thinks he knows better than everyone else?’

‘Well, mmm, yeah I guess that’s part of it. But then also, you know, he’s always been kind of crazy about you, right?’

‘Where are you getting that from?’ asked Olivia, shifting in her seat.

‘Um, I don’t know, how many times he would visit your office, coming out of his way, to try and ask you out? How he always dropped everything to help you? How he put his career on the line for you. All the stuff he did when Noah went missing. I mean, it was kind of obvious, right? Even if you weren’t a good detective, and let’s face it, you still are one, at heart. ’

‘Rafa never asked me out, Amanda,’ Olivia knew her voice sounded weak, and deeper down, she knew there was something to what her friend was saying.

‘Please. I heard him through the door sometimes. And you were always too busy with Noah, or whatever.’

‘I was busy,’ Olivia snapped. ‘I was trying to raise a kid on my own.’

‘You weren’t too busy for Tucker, though,’ Amanda pointed out.

‘That was completely different. And Tucker did ask me out, on a date, more than once, and there was no mistaking it.’

‘You know, it’s completely fine that he just wasn’t your type,’ said Amanda. ‘There’s no need to get defensive, and it’s not anything you need to EXPLAIN to me. It’s fine to just not be interested.’

‘If he wanted to know if I was interested or not, he would have needed to actually ask me out, on an actual date,’ Olivia said. She knew it sounded snippy, but she was feeling snippy.

‘Okay.’ said Amanda, dipping a piece of biscotti into her coffee and looking away.

‘Clearly, you don’t agree?’

‘I don’t disagree at all, Liv. It’s just, you must be aware, that for some guys, you might be a little intimidating. You’re independent, and outspoken, and you’re not known for suffering fools gladly. Some of my favourite qualities of yours, incidentally,’ Amanda said, giving her a wink that verged on flirtatious.

Olivia rolled her eyes at her old Southern charm.

‘So he was afraid of me? And what, am I supposed to feel sorry for him?’

‘You’re not supposed to feel anything. I just think, he was always there. He was available, he tried to spend more time with you, and he was hoping that maybe someday something would happen. And then, when he saw Stabler swoop in, after being missing for ten years, and well, you know, also married and all for most of the time you knew him. Well, maybe seeing you willing to throw your career away from him just kind of set him off, and he did something he shouldn’t have. Maybe he was jealous, and upset, and worried, and he made a mistake.’

Olivia let it sink in.

‘Well, that… I don’t know that any of that is true, and even if it is, it doesn’t excuse anything.’

Amanda nodded.

‘So does everyone think this, and nobody else was brave enough to say it to me? That I just sort of strung Rafael along, while he had this years long crush, or whatever, and then threw him aside when Stabler showed up? And then of course I also blanked him ever since, just to really make sure he felt awful?'

‘I don’t think everyone thinks anything like that, and even if they did, since when do you care what everyone thinks?’

‘I don’t’ said Olivia. ‘I do care what my friends think. I always knew Carisi thought I was too harsh, but I shut him down once when he tried to talk to me.’

‘You were angry,’ said Amanda. ‘You had a right to your feelings. You have a right to them, if that’s how you still feel.’

Olivia chewed her lip, and she could see that Amanda had caught her wavering,

‘Is it how you still feel? Do you want him out of your life for good?’

Olivia sighed. ‘I don’t know. I miss him, Amanda. I have missed him, this whole time.’

‘It’s a long time to have missed someone,’ said Amanda. ‘You know, our work reminds us of this all the time, Liv, but life is so short. It’s too short to have regrets.’

Olivia nodded. ‘I know what you mean. I don’t know exactly what I want, but I think to find out, I need to at least see him again, and talk to him.’

Amanda raised an eyebrow. If she wanted to smile, she stopped herself just in time. ‘Well there’s no harm in a simple conversation. Nothing ventured, nothing gained. Let me get these.’ She made a signal to the waitress to bring over their bill, feeling it had been a more than successful coffee break.

Chapter Text

She decided to text him to ask to meet. She knew it was cowardly, but at least this form of communication gave him an easy out too.

She still remembered their last encounter at Forlini’s so vividly, that it was as if no time at all had passed at all.

She could recall, on a visceral level, how it felt to see the pain etched on his face, and to know that she was causing it. After she admitted that she missed him too, and the point where he really gave up on fighting for their friendship and walked out the door, she had been left sitting at the bar alone. Quickly, it had begun to sink in for her as to what a long and perhaps impossible climb down it was going to be from this particular high horse.

Barba had long since moved on with his life. He sounded like he was doing well. Who was to say that he really wanted to be back in touch with someone like her. After all, they had shared such a toxic parting of the ways. Who was to say that it would even be good for him? Did she even know what she wanted, really, by reaching out?

He might have just invited her to his home out of politeness, or to make things less awkward for Noah, and Amanda and Carisi, and anyone else stuck somewhere in between the gulf that had developed between the two of them.

Olivia was not a religious person, but she had some belief at a spiritual level in the power of the universe to help things work out for the best, when you were willing to work with what it dealt you. This chance encounter between Noah and Barba seemed like that for her- it was the universe giving her a nudge in a direction she already knew she had wanted to take.

Life really was short, like Amanda had said. She had been feeling that more deeply ever since Ed had died. Now, Kathy Stabler was gone too, and she could never have predicted that one. There was no guarantee for anybody, and with the time she had left, she wanted to do her best to make sure the people who mattered to her knew that they did. And she wanted to feel like she mattered to them too.

She spent a while choosing the wording for her text, but in the end, it was simple:

“Hi Rafa. Could we meet for a coffee in the park near you? I can come out to Brooklyn. Noah’s been asking for me to come visit you with him, but I think it would be better if we met up first to talk things through.”

After she hit send, she felt the adrenaline of anticipation of his reply kicking in, coursing through her veins. She decided to clean her kitchen. Anything to take her mind off what he might say. Had it sounded like she just wanted to get him on his own and give him another hard time about all the things he had done wrong and to list all the ways she felt betrayed by him? That probably didn’t sound like a fun day in the park, to, well, anyone really.

In the end, it only took about twenty minutes for the screen of her phone to light up with a reply.

“Hey Liv, nice to hear from you. It would be good to meet up for a coffee. No need to come out here. I need to be in Manhattan tomorrow, we could meet in Central Park at one? You know the coffee cart we used to go to sometimes? I don’t know what Noah’s been saying, but there’s no pressure to come out here, regardless.”

She thought better about having any further discussion over text messages, knowing how easy it was to misconstrue their meanings. She just texted her agreement, and went back to wiping down her counters for much longer than was necessary.

Rafael was by the coffee cart early, before five to one. Luckily it was still in its old spot by a red oak tree.

It was getting into Fall, now, and the pathways were already strewn with leaves. He looked down to see the damp leaves sticking to his loafers, and went to brush one off with his other toe, a bit awkwardly. Mid-manoeuvre, he looked up and saw Olivia approaching, and hurried to regain a straighter posture.

He always felt like he needed to stand every inch of his height with her, and that was never more true than it was today.

‘Liv, hi,’ he said, walking towards her with a tentative smile.

Like him, she was already wearing a winter coat. Her hair had a few more highlights, maybe than the last time he saw her, but mostly, she looked just the same. Just the sight of her did something to his nervous system, and somehow he felt more relaxed, beneath the inevitable surface level nerves about whatever she intended to say to him.

‘Hi Rafa, thanks for agreeing to meet,’ she said. Her smile was subdued, but even with that, the overall tone of their greeting felt like an improvement on the last time.

‘Can I get you a latte?’ he asked. She nodded, and he approached the short line, grateful for something to do whilst he maintained some composure. He didn’t want to feel too excited either. It was best not to expect much, and then not be disappointed. That was something life had taught him many times.

He still remembered how she liked the coffee, and when he turned to hand it to her, she suggested they find a bench to sit and talk.

‘You’re sure it’s not too cold?’ He asked. ‘We could have done this at the diner, or even my house.’ He didn’t want to suggest he would have visited her at her home, it felt too presumptuous, now.

She smiled, and shook her head. ‘Oh no, I am fine, well wrapped up.’ She gestured to the soft grey scarf around her neck. ‘I have heard that the house is impressive though.’

His face broke into a wide grin. ‘Yeah it’s getting there. It still needs a fair bit of work, but it’s coming together. I suppose because it has good bones.’

‘Noah is a fan, anyway. Of the house, the dog, the deck…’

‘I hope you don’t think that I’ve been somehow, sort of inviting him over, in hopes to ingratiate myself with you. I wouldn’t use him like that, you know.’ His face, already a bit pink from the cold breeze, coloured a little more. ‘It was just sort of the way things happened after I met him with Mami, and he seemed excited about the idea and I…’

‘You don’t… Rafa you don’t need to explain yourself about this. You haven’t done anything wrong. Noah wants to be able to visit with you, and see the dog, and all of that. It’s good for him, from what I can tell.’

Rafael nodded to himself, reassured. ‘But there’s still something you wanted to talk about?’ He gave her a careful look.

‘Well, yes. Because I know Noah’s been asking about me coming out, and the three of us doing something together, and that all felt a bit weird, you know, given how things are between us.’

‘I understand that you don’t want to see me, Liv, it’s fine. I don’t want to cause any problems for you and Stabler, either. It’s probably best if we keep a distance.’ Rafael was finding his voice was steadier than he expected, and he thought that maybe he was more in control of his emotions than he had feared.

‘Stabler?’

‘Well, I can imagine he wouldn’t be in favour of you visiting. I mean, not… not that he would tell you what to do, but just that you…’ Shit. This had all been going so well, thought Rafael, until this unfortunate turn of events. Three minutes in, and he's the one bringing up Stabler? So much for that Harvard education, he was actually a complete fool. ‘I mean, given that I did defend a man he holds responsible for his wife’s death, I can understand he might not want his girlfriend hanging out with me. I can’t blame him for that.’

Olivia’s mouth dropped open, she looked stunned. What was it? He put his hand to his mouth, to check if he had some kind of foam moustache situation of which he was not aware.

‘Okay, look, Rafa, first of all, Stabler and I are not together, and we never were, not like that.’

It was Rafael’s turn to look taken aback. ‘But you were, I mean. I’m sure I heard that you were back working together and you were…’

‘We were what, exactly.’ He heard an edge to her voice that suggested this line of conversation was a dead end.

‘Nothing. I’m sorry. I was clearly misinformed, and also, it is none of my business.’

Olivia nodded, seeming somewhat mollified.

‘And also, I was not annoyed with you because I was taking Stabler’s side, because I was in love with him and pining away for him all the over three decades that he was married to somebody else.’

Rafael tried to say something, he moved his lips, but words were not coming out.

‘I mean, exactly how pathetic do you think I am?’

‘I don’t think there is a good answer to that question, but again, I can only apologise for making an incorrect assumption…’

Olivia sighed. ‘Look, Rafa, I did not come here today to get back into all of this anyway. Stabler is like family to me, and he always will be. And you’re right, he probably won’t ever forgive you for defending Wheatley, whatever your reasons,’ she gave him a look that warned him not to start giving those reasons to her again. ‘Kathy’s death wasn’t just about him, it was about his kids too, they lost their mother too young. He saw you as being on the wrong side of his family. And he wasn’t wrong to feel that way.’

Rafael was itching to intervene at that point and point out that someone should have been looking out for her too, and that he wanted to be that person.

‘Having said all that,’ she continued. ‘I know that, as much as I disagreed with what you did, you were convinced you could protect me by taking the case. I do not agree that it was necessary, but I understand it. I don’t appreciate you ignoring my wishes, either, by the way.’

Rafael just nodded. It went against his nature to remain so silent, and yet somehow it seemed like things had a better chance of working out for him that way.

‘Stabler might never forgive you, but I am not Stabler. You were my friend for a long time, Rafa, and I miss that. I miss you being in my life. So, what I really wanted to say, is that I would like to turn a page on all that, and move on. I don’t know that things can be the same as they were, ever again, but I would like to think that we could at least go for a walk in the park with Noah, and not have it be a big deal. That’s only if- only if it’s what you want too. And if we can agree to just drop the argument about who was right or wrong about Wheatley, which neither of us is ever going to win, and just that leave all that behind us.’

Rafael swallowed. He could feel tears prickling the corners of his eyes, and he knew it wasn’t just the cold air, but he also wasn’t going to cry.

‘Olivia, I do understand how you feel about what I did. Looking back, I don’t know if it was my stubborn streak, or if I was wanting to take on the system, after how badly I felt it failed me, or even if just I had some bad feelings towards Stabler without really knowing him. Maybe it was even all of those things at once. But I never wanted you to feel that I didn’t respect you are care about how you felt, or the effect my actions would have on people you considered to be like family. I can’t tell you how sorry I am for having added to the pain of all that. I was not my intention, and I hope you can at least believe that much, if nothing else.’

There were sitting a few inches apart on the bench, but not touching at all.

Olivia looked into his eyes, and when he looked back, it was like that last icy barrier between them finally melted away.

‘Of course I can believe that much, Rafa. I still don’t doubt the man that I know you to be.’

He reached out his glove clad hand and squeezed her arm, gently.

‘Olivia, it we can be in each other’s lives again as friends, I just want you to know, I will do everything I can not to mess it up this time, I promise.’

‘I am pretty sure I will be doing the same.’ Olivia placed her hand over his, in affection, and for a moment, Rafael drew closer, leaving his coffee down on the bench, and pressing his forehead to hers.

He closed his eyes. When he opened them a moment later, he noticed her eyes were closed too, and he smiled to himself. Not wanting to push the moment, he drew back.

Olivia drew back too, and then she checked her watch. ‘I should probably be getting back to the office.’

‘Oh yeah, I get it, I should be heading too,’ said Rafael. He knew this moment, and entire conversation, had been a lot for her.

‘Can I walk you to the exit?’

‘Sure,’ said Olivia. ‘Once it’s not out of your way.’

It could have been a mile out of his way, and it wouldn’t have stopped him, but then he supposed that went without saying.

Chapter Text

By the time the weekend rolled around, plans had been made to meet Rafael and Bruno near the Grand Army Plaza entrance to Central Park. Rafael had mentioned that there was a food truck near there that served breakfast tacos, and Noah had seemed very taken with the idea.

Getting ready for the trip, Olivia had found herself staring into her closet and wondering both what to wear, and also what she had been thinking when she agreed to this.

When she had told Noah that she had talked to Rafael and made plans for them all to go to the park, he had been happy, but also unsurprised.

Lately, as he approached the cusp of adulthood ,she found herself sometimes looking at her son differently. She wondered if she was underestimating his level of understanding of her, and his ability to influence her decision making. She found herself questioning who exactly was truly running things around their apartment?

But whatever happened, she knew she definitely, definitely was not getting a dog. That was something to cling to, as she stood on these shifting sands.

She picked out a new sweater to wear for the walk. It was a soft alpaca knit, in a deep moss green with flecks of ochre. She remembered buying it in the store, and running her fingers over the soft wool. She had been thinking that it was really for a woman with a different life, who was not stuck behind a desk, or running to take Noah from one afterschool activity to another, or collapsing exhausted at home in ratty old sweats. It was a sweater for a woman with a life of at least some leisure, who took spontaneous walks out doors and paused to admire the fall foliage. But now, just for a brief hour or two, she could at least pretend she was that woman. She opted for dark jeans, boots and her black wool winter coat to finish off her outfit. She found herself looking and her reflection in the mirror and seeing the uncertainty in her eyes. It was one thing to want to begin again with a friendship, and another to find out if things could ever really be like they had been before.

She and Noah were waiting beside the Brooklyn Public Library, just hear the park entrance for Rafael at ten thirty on the dot, and she was scanning the passers-by, searching for his face.

‘Mom, can I go get a taco now?’ asked Noah, pointing to the yellow food truck across the way.

‘Maybe you should wait for Rafa’ said Olivia. ‘He might want one too.’

Noah nodded, and then took out his phone, scrolling through an app. Lately it seemed like he was never off his phone. It had been something they had words about several times in the recent past, but this morning didn’t feel like the time to go another round on the subject. In truth, she was glad that Noah was there, because he would be a buffer if things became awkward at any point.

There was a bark in the distance, and Noah looked up. ‘That’s them,’ he said, his face lighting up as he pointed into the distance across the street. Olivia squinted into the early fall sun. It was the brown and white dog lolloping ahead that she noticed first. Then, she saw Rafael straining to keep hold of the leash behind him as they crossed the street towards her and Noah at pace.

‘Hi Noah, Hi Liv,’ said Rafael, slightly out of breath. ‘Good to see you both. I feel like Bruno gave me quite the workout already, he practically ran all the way here. Maybe he knew we were meeting you both.’

Olivia had to shake her head and look away to hide a grin, because he hadn’t lost that trademark smooth charm.

‘Hi Bruno, who’s a good boy?’ asked Noah, bending down to scratch the dog’s ears. Bruno sat calmly and allowed himself to be petted. Then he lifted his head to look at Olivia in curiosity. Slowly, she held out her hand, and gave him a chance to sniff it, before she rubbed his soft head, and he then nuzzled her hand in appreciation. If he wasn't the most naturally handsome of dogs, he definitely possessed a fair amount of natural charm.

‘Olivia,’ said Rafael formally ‘This is Bruno, and he’s very pleased to meet you.’

Olivia laughed. ‘I bet he says that to all the women.’

‘He is pretty smooth, for a canine.’ Rafael agreed.

‘Uncle Rafa, can I take the leash?’ asked Noah.

Rafael looked to Olivia who nodded. ‘Sure you can, but maybe wait till we’re inside the park?’

Noah shrugged and nodded.

‘I’m hearing something about breakfast tacos, also?’ said Olivia, gesturing to the truck.

‘I’m getting one for sure, you want one Uncle Rafa?’ Noah asked.

‘They’re on me if you do,’ said Olivia, handing Noah a couple of bills from her wallet. ‘I had breakfast at the apartment, so I think I will pass myself.’

Rafael looked at the truck deliberatively. ‘It’s kind of against my doctor’s advice, but what the hell, maybe just this once.’

He and Noah approached the truck to examine the menu. Olivia hung back just a little bit, thinking how easily everything seemed to be going, so far.

After a few minutes, Rafael and Noah had their food, and they began their walk around the edge of the Long Meadow. For the first short while, as Rafael and Noah finished their tacos, Olivia took the leash, and she was surprised how strong Bruno was, as he strained to get them walking more quickly.

‘He must keep you pretty fit trying to keep up with him?’ she asked Rafael, seeing the appeal. She had to train pretty hard to keep up at work these days, which at times felt pretty monotonous. She could imagine with a dog like Bruno, you could end up getting a lot of exercise without it seeming like so much work.

Rafael grinned. ‘Tell me about it. It’s how I can afford to keep eating these,’ he gestured towards what remained of his taco.

Noah was ahead of him, and had already finished his, and was wiping his hands on a napkin.

‘Okay, Mom, I’m done, I can take the leash now.’

Olivia handed over the lead.

‘Just remember, Noah, we’re outside of off-leash hours, so we need to keep him on this, until we get to the run area, okay?’ said Rafael.

‘I will, I’m going to hold on really tight,’ promised Noah seriously. Already, Bruno was pulling him slightly ahead, and Olivia could see he was going to have his work cut out keeping up. She could also tell that Noah was determined to portray himself as a highly competent future dog owner.

What she hadn’t anticipated, was that as Noah was dragged ahead with Bruno, herself and Rafael were more or less alone behind the two.

‘So, when did you get Bruno?’ she asked.

‘It was more like he found me,’ said Rafael. ‘Right here in this park, actually.’ He told her the story of Bruno following him home in the rain.

‘Wow,’ said Olivia. ‘Who knew Rafael Barba was such a soft touch?’

Rafael smirked. ‘I know right? He just kind of weaselled his way into my life, somehow.’

Olivia was struck by the turn of phrase.

‘Didn’t you say that about me, once?’ she asked, her heart rushing back to the sting of that conversation on the steps, the day he told her he was leaving their work partnership behind.

Rafael frowned. ‘Hmm, maybe I did, but the comparison with a dog was entirely accidental.’

‘Gee, thanks,’ said Olivia. ‘That makes me feel a lot better.’

‘The thing is, I was all set to turn him into a shelter, but the longer I kept him, the harder it got to imagine giving him up. And then, because I have the house, and the deck and everything, it was also hard to imagine finding him a better situation, really.’

‘I was surprised to hear you bought a house,’ admitted Olivia.

Rafael nodded. ‘I guess it seems a bit unnecessary, for someone like me.’

Olivia paused. ‘How do you mean?’

‘Well, for a pretty much confirmed bachelor, at this point. It’s like, why on earth would I need all the room, right? I am sure a lot of people think it’s weird. I could have just gotten an apartment in the city.’

Olivia wasn’t sure which part of his statement to unpack first.

‘I suppose that I do associate you with the idea of a city apartment, and Manhattan.’ She acknowledged. ‘But then the life you have now, seems to suit you much better really. You seem a lot more relaxed, than when we were working together.’

Rafael smiled. ‘Well maybe because I have cut way back on my hours lately. I can’t keep that up forever, because I want to redo my roof, so I might need to go back full time for a while.’

‘Yeah, but the Rafa I worked with around eight years ago, I can’t imagine taking breaks like you are now. And I mean to say that it seems like a positive step for you.’

He gave a wry grin. ‘Well, now that I know the dangers of burnout, right? Funny how hindsight works that way.’

Olivia thought back to the Householder case, and the lead up, and the stress she had known her friend was under at the time. Sometimes, she looked back and wished she had seen the signs that he was heading for trouble, before that case spiralled out of both of their control.

‘Tell me about it,’ she said instead. ‘When I first started out, people didn’t really think about the dangers of burnout the same way. Now, we talk about it, but I still think we can struggle to see the signs in ourselves before it’s too late.’ She thought back uneasily to the Maddie Flynn cased. She had found herself borderline obsessed on that one, and wondered had her inability to turn off from that case been a bad sign for her own mental resilience.

‘It’s a high risk with the work you do,’ Rafael said sombrely. ‘Do you ever think about taking a break?’

Olivia laughed. ‘What, like a vacation?’

‘Yeah, like a vacation, why not? You could take Noah, go somewhere nice, maybe even some winter sun?’

Olivia looked at him sceptically. ‘Has he put you up to this?’

Rafael blinked. ‘What? No, I just thought…’

Olivia interrupted him. ‘No, no I’m sorry, it’s just that lately, with Noah, I feel like I don’t always know how aware he is, or if he’s trying to get his way, and I am not realising- because I am still stuck thinking of him as a little boy, and not this sort of young man he’s becoming.’

Rafael looked almost sad. ‘He has gotten so grown up, lately, hasn’t he?’

Olivia leaned back her head and sighed dramatically. ‘It’s like it happened overnight, Rafa.’

‘I’m not a parent, but I can imagine how strange it feels,’ he said.

‘I guess I just hope with all the rushing around, and all my working, and the babysitters, and the crazy things that have happened to us, that somewhere in between all that, he got enough of a childhood too, you know?’

Rafael nodded, and gave a small grin. He reached out and squeezed her wrist briefly, through the sleeve of her coat.

‘Well from where I am standing, you have done a pretty amazing job, Olivia. He’s turned out to be such a great kid. And now, it’s like the fun part where he’s really becoming his own person. You can talk to him about books and music, and find out who he’s going to be when he grows up. I always thought that would be the best part of having a kid.’

Olivia nodded, a bit surprised to think that Rafael had thought about being a parent to that degree. She’d never even known about any relationships that he had, though there was the always chance that he was just a very private person.

‘Well, not that it’s the same, but I don’t think Noah’s going to be too much of a stranger from now on, especially if he’s getting to hang out with Bruno.’

‘The dog is my main selling point, I have to face the facts,’ nodded Rafael.

‘He’s a pretty big part of the appeal.’ They looked ahead, to where Noah had stopped and was kneeling in front of Bruno, trying to get him to shake his hand with his paw. Bruno seemed confused, but not impatient.

‘Your dog has such a good temperament.’ She remarked.

‘Yeah, it’s kind of weird, right? When they all say that dogs are supposed to become more like their owners.’

Olivia smiled. ‘No, I think you have that backwards. I think maybe you’re going to become more like him.’

‘We live in hope.’ said Rafael, before he rushed ahead to direct Noah which turn to take for the dog run.

They passed a very pleasant two hours in the park, wandering around, sometimes talking, sometimes watching Bruno interact with other dogs. On one occasion Bruno had tried with some determination to chase a squirrel, but it escaped up a tree before the situation could escalate.

By the time they finally reached the right exit everyone was tired from the exercise, but the mood was light.

‘This was so much fun, wasn’t it Mom?’ asked Noah, as he passed the dog leash back to Rafael. ‘Wouldn’t it be great to do it again?’

Olivia looked at her son contemplatively. She might need to have a talk with him about exactly what he thought he was doing, here. ‘It was a great walk. I can’t disagree that Bruno is a pretty amazing dog.’

Rafael seemed to blush a little bit at the praise.

‘I bet Bruno likes the beach. Maybe we could take him to the beach, I bet he’d like to see the waves, what do you think about that Uncle Rafa?’

Rafael laughed. ‘I bet he would like to see the waves, however I’m not sure the weather’s quite right for that now, amigo,’

‘Yeah, maybe next summer we can do that,’ said Noah, and it really did not escape Olivia how far into the future he was trying to make plans, in fact it made her a little nervous.

Rafael looked at her, sensing her unease.

‘That’s a long time away to be thinking about. But you both are definitely welcome to join us for a walk here any time. I’ve been thinking of trying a hike with her upstate to the Storm King Art Centre, up in Hudson Valley, it’s about five hundred acres of open air museum. It might be too long a trip for you Mom with work right now, Noah, but you’d be welcome to join us if you like?’

Noah looked to her with glee. ‘That sounds awesome, Mom, can I go?’

Olivia shrugged. ‘I don’t see why not.’

‘That’s a plan, I can’t wait,’ said Noah, already looking up the Storm King centre on his phone. Olivia gave Rafael a silent nod of thanks for keeping the conversation on track, and he knowingly returned the nod.

‘Okay Noah, time for us to head home, I have a few things to catch up on before dinner. Time to say goodbye to Bruno for now.’

As Noah knelt down to say goodbye to the dog, Olivia gave Rafael’s hand a quick squeeze. ‘Thanks for the walk today, Rafa. It was good to talk, too,’ she said sincerely.

‘No need to thank me. The pleasure was mine. And Bruno’s apparently,’ he gestured to Bruno who was tapping Noah’s shoulders with his paws affectionately. ‘He just can’t get enough attention.’

‘Well, you know what they say about dogs and their owners,’ said Olivia with a smirk, before they bid a last goodbye.

Chapter Text

The following Monday, Rafael had set the whole week aside for finally tackling the work he needed to do on the second floor of the brownstone.

It was hard to believe that he was now at the point of tackling this floor, after which only the attic space would remain.

He thought back to the day when he had his first very first viewing of the house.

He had always had an affinty for brownstones, because they felt so much a part of the city’s history. When he walked through the door behind the estate agent, both wearing their covid face masks, he could tell that the house had been vacant for some time. It was evident from the cold in the air and the dust that had gathered on every surface.

However, there were also some character-filled details to house that immediately caught his eye.

From the lobby, with its parquet floor, he immediately saw the front living room to the left, with its two very tall windows, wood paneling, crown moulding and an original fireplace. The fireplace surround and mantle piece were classic white marble with scalloped edges. Between the front room and the kitchen at the back, the house retained its original double pocket doors. They were creaky but with a little care would likely function just as well as before. Whoever had owned this place before had been wise enough not to remove any of the original charm. That fact remained true throughout the house. The staircase was solid and appeared to be cherry, as did the parquet floors throughout.

Best of all, on the way up the staircase, there were arched‘coffin corners’ cut into the walls- small niches that were said to ease the transport of a coffin from floor to floor of a tall building with a tightly cornered staircase.

The first floor bathroom had a claw foot tub, which he could see needed replacing, due to a significant crack. He envisaged dfinding a new or restored one to maintain the Victorian style. The tiling on the bathroom floor was classic black and white small hexagonal florets, which were damaged. He imagined replacing them with a similar kind, to keep the period feel, but perhaps with a slightly warmer colour palette. The bathroom walls were a mixture of painted bead board wainscoting and larger white tiles. He had thought about restoring the wainscotting by stripping the off-white paint off, and treating the wood beneath. It was somewhere in between debating with himself the benefits over staining and varnishing the wood versus repainting it that he realised how badly he wanted the place. In his imagination, it was already his, and he had never had such a powerful feeling of rightness about a place before.

After seeing Olivia and Noah at the park that past weekend, this Monday had felt like an especially good moment in time to do something grounding, like getting back to his renovation work. It had been lovely to see her, and their conversation had felt so much like old times. There was even a glimmer of the old humour and sass that had always flowed between them. But he could see, as well, that Olivia was still somehow uneasy about where things were going. It was possible Noah was pushing her to rekindle the friendship, maybe even against her better judgement. As hopeful, and happy as it made Rafael feel to think that both Olivia and Noah were now back in his life, he needed to be realistic. There was no point in assuming that this situation would last. As much as he cared for Olivia, he had to remember how firmly she had shut him out before. Yes, he would do everything in his power to make sure things stayed on a positive trajectory. But he was only one half of what happened between them, and there was nothing he could do to control her share.

The renovation work on the house, however, was within his control. There was something so deeply satisfying about getting this particular house in order, about stripping back the layers of dirt, the layers of the past, and finding something more lasting underneath that could be brought back to light. It wasn't every task that his skills were up to, but the minor ones, like cleaning, sanding, filling cracks and gaps and painting, those were definitely within his grasp. He knew he was saving money by doing what he could himself. If also felt good to look around his home and see surfaces which he had improved, colours that he had chosen, and the furniture which he had spent long hours searching for and selecting.

The upper two rooms on the second floor, he might have partly delayed completing due to both a lack of necessity, and some degree of indecision as to their purpose. His own bedroom was on the first floor at the back, with a walk in closet, an ensuite shower, a small study off to the right, and then down the landing, a large full bathroom, complete with clawfoot tub, to the front side of the house. The two upper rooms could become more living or work spaces, but probably made the most sense as guest rooms. He had found himself wondering, somewhat bitterly in all honesty, who in the world he would ever have to invite to stay in those rooms. His Mom preferred to avoid the stairs these days. When she stayed with him, he had a sofa in the ground floor front living room that converted quite nicely. Apart from his Mom, this list of people that he would want staying in his living space for any length of time was actually very short indeed.

More recently, though, it felt like at least a possibility that maybe that list could stand to get a little bit longer.

Was it possible, for example, that Olivia and Noah would ever want to stay the night here? It seemed a bit silly to even contemplate, when they had a perfectly good apartment of their own in Manhattan.

However, he mused, maybe there could come an occasion. What if there was a party late at night, and it made more sense than taking a cab, or if they really did take a trip to the beach in the summer and they wanted to make an early departure from the city…. No, he had to catch himself right there. Noah had clearly gotten inside of his head with his talk of a trip to the beach. Olivia was right, the kid was in danger of becoming an evil mastermind. And he could not, under any circumstances, allow himself to get sucked in to all that nonsense.

However, what he could do, was to clean down the walls and the wood panelling. He also wanted to check the condition of the crown moulding and base boards, and fill any gaps or cracks he could find. The floors, thankfully had already been refinished, and as such, getting these rooms into shape would be a lot more straight forward than when he had redone the kitchen downstairs in the beginning.

Though the actual original-original kitchen had been in the basement, but Rafael hadn't been able to resist keeping the kitchen on the ground floor, with the deck just outside it. The original fireplace was there too, again in marble. When he had first seen it, it had reminded him of the tiled fireplace in his Abuelita’s old home in the Bronx. This had been the duplex she lived in before she had moved into that godforsaken last apartment.

As a child, he had sat in the rocking chair near the fireplace, watching his mom and Abuelita cook together. He would taste the morsels they offered to him as they worked. The sounds, tastes and smells of that time had stayed with him all his life. There was sharp citrus and peppery, nose-tickling spice, and that warmth, both of flavour and emotion, underpinned most of his happiest childhood memories.

The quiet of the house seemed odd, until he recalled that Bruno was, at least for now, downstairs in the kitchen pre-occupied with a rubber steak chew toy which Carisi had gifted him with on his last visit.

In the temporary silence, Rafael used an orange oil-based cleaner and a cloth rag to remove the layers of grime from the wood panelling in the rooms. The orange scent was a little over-powering, so he opened up the sash windows, in spite of the cold weather. It took a few layers of dirt removal before the beautiful grain of the wood started to show through in one small patch. That was all the encouragement that he needed to keep going.

As he worked, he contemplated the upper walls. There were sections of plastered wall up above, plaster which he had gotten restored when he had a plasterer in to replaster his own bedroom in an area which had historic damage from a leak.

The rooms on the second floor needed colour, he decided, that much was certain. The back one, perhaps a soft green. There was a shade of sage called Cotswolds green which had chosen from a series of samples, but not yet used. That would be perfect, because that room also had a view of a tree that grew just behind his deck, and the colour would complement the green of the leaves in spring and summer. And then the front one, he thought might work in a greyish blue.

Owning a house alone meant never needing to check his decisions with anyone, and the creative control was nice. But every once in a while, he did feel like he wouldn’t mind a sounding board, or even someone to argue back. Someone to say, ‘Sage green, are you crazy? How safe and boring can you get?’ Or whatever other annoying things some imaginary person might say when they weren’t going to let you get your way.

But mostly, of course, it was ideal, to be on his own, and to live by his own rules.

He recalled a night a few weeks after he had taken in Bruno, when the dog started coughing late at night. He had stayed up with him all night, trying to get him to drink water, whilst searching in vain online for a vet that offered after-hours service.

Eventually, he had fallen asleep in an armchair with Bruno at his feet, and had woken blearily at the crack of dawn. Bruno, also exhausted, and now sniffling and wheezing at his feet. He had rushed him to the vet that morning as soon as the doors opened, and an injection and course of antibiotics had turned things around with almost magical speed.

He had managed it all on his own, of course, but it didn't mean it wouldn't have been nice to have someone there.

When he thought back to the baby Drew Householder case, which was probably the worst time of his life and definitely the worst of his career, the thing that he remembered the most vividly was that Olivia Benson had been right there beside him. When other people he had counted on had turned on him, when even his own mother had started looking at him differently, Olivia had never wavered in her support. To have somebody there, always ready to listen, always prepared to put herself on the line for him, at such a dark time, had meant more than he had ever found himself able to express to her. In fact, not only had he not really told her how grateful he was, but he had chosen that moment to make an exit.

No, he hadn’t completely disappeared, or left without a goodbye, and yes, he had stayed in touch. But he not been in her life the same way ever since, and it had been in many senses an ending between them. An ending of that previous, almost daily intimacy of working so closely together, and of knowing so well what went on in each-others day to day lives.

Hell, he hadn’t even known that she wasn’t dating Stabler. Why wasn’t she dating Stabler? It didn’t make much sense to him. He had sensed the transcendent quality of their relationship long before the Wheatley trial. He remembered her speaking about her old partner during the Lewis case, and mentioning how he would have gone after Lewis. He had thought then, that was the kind of man Olivia wanted, and deserved.

The kind of man who could have saved her.

Instead, unfortunately for Olivia, Rafael had been the kind of man that let William Lewis get off on a technicality. It might have been something she had been able to excuse, or move beyond, but Rafael had found it difficult to ever truly forgive himself for that failure, and for all the suffering she had endured as a result. It was possible that on some level, he had always been looking for a do-over, a chance to prove that actually, he really could, and always would have her back. Maybe on some level he had seen the Wheatley trial as that chance, if not to physically save her, at least to save her reputation and her career. It was unfortunate that had turned out to not be much more than another serious miscalculation on his part.

Rafael knew the only hope for their friendship was for him to put the past away, and be in this moment now with her. This was a time when he could potentially be in Olivia's life again, in Noah's life again, and a time when he could once again become a true friend. He had no intention of ever letting Olivia down again.

Chapter Text

After the park on Saturday, Olivia had deliberated how to talk to Noah about the way he was pushing for them both to see more of Rafael. As much as the feeling of being manipulated irked her, she also felt some tenderness for how Noah had latched on to Rafael as a rare positive adult male role model in his life.

She thought about the fact that Noah did not have a father of his own all of the time. It ahd been a lot for him to have learned some of the truth about Johnny D. As sure as she was that Noah had nothing in common with that animal, she couldn’t help but wish there had been another man around at that time to fill that space. Just an actual adult human male, who was safe and present in his life, showing him through actions there was another type of man he could be.

As it happened, Noah made things easy when it came to bringing up the topic. When he came home from school on Monday, as he was taking a snack from the refrigerator, he brought up the park again, speaking like it was a given that they would meet Rafael the same way the following weekend.

‘Honey, I can’t this weekend, I have that Victims’ Advocacy event this Saturday. I’m a speaker, you remember from last year, right? It’s an annual thing, and I can’t let them down.’

‘Oh,’ said Noah, his face darkening.

‘If you’d like to go see Rafael, and it’s okay with him, I can drop you off on the way?’

‘I guess if he still wants me to come.’ said Noah, dully.

‘Of course he would be happy to see you, he told you as much, remember? It just depends if he has any work on, or any other plans, that’s all.’

‘Uncle Rafa doesn’t work all the time, he’s not like you.’

Olivia stilled. ‘Honey, you’re not being very fair. Come sit with me on the sofa for a minute.’ She made her way around the breakfast bar and took a seat, leaving room for him.

Noah looked at the food he had on the counter, and then at her with some resentment, before nodding sullenly. He took a seat as far away from her as he could manage.

‘I don’t know what your problem is, Mom.’

‘Well, let’s start with that tone, that’s a problem.’

Noah shrugged.

‘Honey, I noticed you’ve been very persistent about seeing Rafa, and getting the three of us to do things together. Could you explain to me why that is?’

Noah frowned. ‘I thought you had fun on Saturday.’

‘That’s true, I did have fun. But I also haven’t seen Rafa in a really long time, and the same for him with me. It feels a little strange for me to go from no contact to seeing him every weekend.’

‘I think you’re just trying to find problems.’ Noah looked at her with barely concealed annoyance.

‘I can assure you I am not,’ Olivia said evenly. ‘Noah, are you thinking that maybe if you can get us to spend enough time together, that Rafael and I would get together, and become a couple? Is that what you are trying to do here?’

Noah looked down at his lap, his fingers laced together, fidgeting uneasily.

‘I don’t know, maybe. Why would it be so bad for you to have somebody? Conor’s parents have each other, and Uncle Sonny has Aunt Amanda, why can’t you have somebody of your own?’

This was really a hard thing to explain, not least of which because Olivia had often wondered exactly that thing herself.

‘Well first of all honey, it’s not that I can’t exactly. I’m happy with my life the way it is, with me and you…’ she had to pause there, and she looked at him. ‘But I guess this is your way of telling me that you’re not happy with just the two of us? That you wish you had a guy around to talk to sometimes?’

Noah sighed. ‘You mean like a Dad?’

‘Well maybe, or an uncle, or just a friend that you can ask advice from. You don’t have to call someone Dad, for that person to be important in your life.’

‘I know my Dad was a very bad man,’ said Noah. ‘We already talked about it.’

‘We spoke about it once, yes, but that doesn’t mean the conversation is over honey. And it doesn’t mean you can’t talk to someone else about it to. I could even arrange for you to see someone, to talk about this.’

‘Oh God,’ Noah put his head in his hands dramatically. ‘You mean like a therapist?’

‘Honey, there’s no shame in getting therapy.’

‘I know that, lots of my friends are in therapy,’ said Noah impatiently. ‘I just think you’re wrong for thinking that because I wanted us to spend the weekend with Uncle Rafa and Bruno, that it means I need therapy. It’s just a nice thing to do, that's all. It makes you happy.’

‘I already told you honey, you make me happy, and I don’t need anything more, I promise you. Do you understand?’

‘Mom, I think you're the one who doesn't get it. I don’t want to be the only one that makes you happy.’

Olivia was reduced to silence. She felt her heart lurch downward. Had she been putting too much pressure on her son, to be everything to her? She had always thought that by putting him ahead of any other relationship, she was helping him to feel important and loved. How could she have wandered so far off base?

‘That’s really how you feel?’

Noah nodded, and she could see his cheeks flushing, as if he was ashamed to have complained about their relationship.

‘Have you felt that way for a long time?’

‘No, not a long time. I mean, it’s great when it’s the two of us and we do fun things together. But then there was that time when the men in the gang came and hurt you outside, remember?’

Of course, Olivia remembered. She reached for his hand, and he gave it to her. It was hot and clammy.

‘I remember that honey. I know how frightening that was for you. I’m so sorry you went through that.’

‘It’s not your fault,’ said Noah, his voice cracking. ‘But I don’t like being the only one who worries about you. I want someone else with me, to worry about you too, if anything bad happens.’

‘I will be doing my best to make sure nothing like that happens again,’ Olivia told him.

Noah sniffed, and nodded. ‘I know, Mom.’

‘Still, I think I see what you mean. You felt kind of lonely, then, when you had to go and stay with Conor?’

‘Yeah. I mean, Conor is cool, and I like having a half-brother. But those people aren’t my family. And they’re all just so…’

‘…Normal?’ asked Olivia with a grin.

‘…yeah like super normal, almost too normal, you know?’

It filled a tiny hole in Olivia’s heart to hear him say it.

‘I guess I did want us to have someone else in our family, who was just like us.’

‘And you think that’s Rafa?’ she asked.

Noah nodded, very solemnly.

‘For a while, I thought maybe Mr Stabler and you were going to be together. Because he picked me up that time, remember?’

Olivia nodded, feeling a bit guilty about the rollercoaster she had not realised her son had been going through.

‘He seemed okay. But then he just disappeared, and then you seemed sad. You said he was away working somewhere.’

‘Well, that’s true honey. The thing is, Elliot’s job means he has to work undercover, sometimes for a long time. But that doesn’t mean that he doesn’t care, or want to see us.’

Noah shook his head. ‘Well that’s okay for him and his family, if that’s what they all want. But that’s not what I want for you. I don't want another person with a dangerous job to worry about, I want someone to be here and help keep things together. Not someone who gets bored and then goes off doing more crazy stuff I have to worry about. I just want someone who sticks around and makes you happy, because that’s what you deserve.’

Olivia couldn’t help but feel touched. She also couldn't fail to pick up that she was being branded the problematic risk taker of the family, and that she was being told that one was enough. It wasn't a totally unfair point of view.

‘Honey, can I give you a hug?’ He was getting to that age where he mostly resisted being embraced, but her let her give him a hug at that moment. She held him tight and felt the slightness of his form, and it reminded her how young he still was, in spite of the complex sentiments he was expressing.

She placed her hands on his shoulder and held him back, right in front of her, and looked straight into his eyes.

‘Noah, you shouldn’t be worrying about any of this. I don't want you worrying about any of this. I understand that you want me to happy, and this is all coming from a good place. But relationships between adults and a lot more complicated than you can understand right now. Honestly, even I’m still learning how to figure them out. And I’m pretty old, right?’ She searched for even a glimmer of a smile on his flushed face.

Noah smirked. ‘Pretty old to still not have it figured out, I guess.’

‘Now that did hurt,’ said Olivia with a grin. ‘But can you please ease off with this whole thing with Rafa. We are friends, and that is all you need to know. You can go see him every weekend if you want. But I need to do what’s right for me. I hope I do keep seeing him, and get to hang out with you both sometimes, but he’s not my only friend either. You don’t have to worry that if I don’t have him, I’ll be alone, all right? There’s Fin, and Amanda, and Carisi… I have a lot of people I can go to. I am lucky, okay?’

Noah nodded and gave her a wavering smile.

‘And none of that changes the fact that the very luckiest person I have in my life is sitting right in front of me, right now, okay?’

‘Okay,’ said Noah, looking down, with a small smile. ‘I guess that’s okay. And I can still go to Brooklyn on the weekend.’

‘Yes you certainly can, just check in with Uncle Rafa first, deal?’

‘Deal,’ said Noah.

Chapter Text

The Saturday morning Olivia dropped Noah over to Rafael’s house, she was in a rush. She’s had a last minute disaster with a run in her stocking. She had to go hunting for another pair to go with the heels she was wearing with her classic black dress for the event.

Still, even with the time pressure, she paused for a moment as Noah scrambled to put his tablet back in his backpack, and just admired the brownstone. At the top of the front steps there was an original door, with two skinny sides, each with a glass panel. There were two plant pots either side of the door with small hydrangea bushes. The house was slender compared to some others on the street, but it had a full, tall window either side of the door, and she knew it was the just kind of home most New Yorkers dreamt of owning.

As she admired the deep colour of the sandstone and the ornate black railings that led up the steps, the front doors opened up a crack.

Rafael emerged, wearing worn denim jeans, and a long sleeved green henley shirt. He held a stained coffee cup in his hand. He took the steps down to the sidewalk quickly, holding his mug carefully so as not to spill the contents.

‘Hi Noah, it’s great to see you,’ he smiled warmly. ‘I thought maybe we’d have some brunch here before we head out, what do you think?’ Olivia appreciated him making the effort, as she had filled Rafael in over the phone of the talk she had with Noah.

‘That sounds good, Uncle Rafa, I am starving,’ said Noah, hurrying to climb out of the car on the passenger side.

‘I do feed him, I promise,’ said Olivia sheepishly out the car window, as Noah ran up the steps and through the front doors. She heard barking inside.

‘Hey, Liv, no time for a coffee?’ She noticed the way the olive colour of his shirt emphasised the green of his eyes.

‘Not a minute to spare, I'm afraid am a total mess this morning.’

Rafael smiled and learned in towards the window.

‘Well, you could have fooled me, you don’t look a mess, quite the opposite.’

Olivia blushed in spite of herself.

‘I’m sorry I can’t actually, even though I would love to see the place. It looks amazing Rafael, congratulations. You must be really proud of it.’

Rafael gave an embarrassed grin. ‘Oh, I got lucky with the market. And it still needs a lot of work.

Olivia shook her head. ‘No, don’t do that. You worked really hard for this. I know you did.’

Rafael smirked. ‘Well who am I to argue.’

‘I really better go,’ said Olivia, glancing anxiously at her watch.

‘For sure, but another time, you should visit? I’ll text you.’

‘Sounds good,’

‘Enjoy the event, Liv. Good luck with your speech, I know you’ll be great,’

She shook her head but thanked him, before starting up the engine again.

After her speech at the event, Amanda found her near a refreshments table. They took some coffee cups and wraps and managed to find a free table near the bar.

‘Nice work up there, Captain, you were great,’ said Amanda warmly.

Olivia smiled. ‘Thanks Amanda, I didn’t expect to see you here.’

‘I offered to represent my division and bring back the learning. The advocacy skills they cover here are pretty wide-ranging, and a lot of it transferrable to what we do in intelligence.’

‘Well, I’m glad to see you’re remaining an advocate, Sargeant,.’ said Olivia. She still managed to get a measure of both pride and enjoyment from Amanda’s new title.

‘How could you expect anything less of me?’ asked Amanda.

‘I didn’t,’ admitted Olivia.

‘Any plans for the rest of the weekend?’

‘Nothing too exciting. Noah’s spending most of the day with Rafa today, and then tomorrow he has a rehearsal. I don’t mind, it gives me a chance to catch up on a few things at home, maybe even read a book and have a glass of wine.’

Amanda sighed. ‘Oh God, a quiet day sounds like absolute bliss right about now.’

‘The kids keeping you on your toes?’

‘You can say that again.’ Amanda gave her a sly look. ‘So, Noah’s seeing Barba solo, now? Who’s idea was that?’

‘Well mine- sort of.’ Olivia filled Amanda in on how she had needed to speak to Noah about his attempts to bring them together.

‘Wow, so you really had to crack down on his Parent-Trapping ways.’

‘I think he’s a little too young for either movie, but yes.’

‘And does this mean you and Rafael aren’t….’ Amanda let the sentence trail off and looked at her expectantly.

‘Well, we talked, and we agreed to put the past aside,’ said Olivia, not able to stop the smile that spread across her face involuntarily. ‘So that means we could be friends again.’

Amanda beamed. ‘Oh, wow, Liv, that is so great. I am happy for both of you.’

‘Well thank you. I think I am happy about it too.’

‘You think?’

‘Well things are still kind of weird, you know, it feels awkward. We just hadn’t spoken in so long.’

‘That’s totally natural.’

‘He did invite me over to the house.’

‘You haven’t seen the brownstone yet?’ Amanda goggled at her.

‘Well, I saw the outside. Today, when I dropped Noah off.’

‘You need to go over.’

‘Well, I probably will. I mean, we have a plan, sort of.’ Olivia gave Amanda a look ‘I’m not sure why it’s such a big deal to see the house.’

Amanda laughed. ‘Well, you know, how are you going to know how you really feel about him until you have had a good look at his property?’

Olivia snorted. ‘This isn’t the Regency Area in England, Amanda, I’m not exactly in need of finding some lord with a manor.’

‘That’s true- you do have a place of your own already. Don’t get me wrong, I love your apartment.’

‘Well, so do I. I mean, if I wanted a house, I could get a house.’

‘Have I touched a nerve, here? I was a thousand per cent kidding, I promise.’

‘No, I know you were. It’s actually been ever since I saw Noah’s brother Conor’s house that I started looking at my own place differently. They have this incredible house in the suburbs. White picket fence, oversized Christmas ornaments on the lawn… you know, the whole works.’

‘Comparison is the thief of joy, you know, Liv.’

‘Tell me about it,’ said Olivia. ‘Don’t mistake me, Amanda, it’s not really about a big house. Noah’s been raised with the right values, and he’s a great kid. He’s never been materialistic. But Conor has two parents, a dog, a big back yard, home cooked meals every night.’

‘It all sounds very Leave it to Beaver.’

Olivia smirked. ‘I think even Noah might agree, if he understood the reference.’

‘Olivia, Noah has everything he needs, you know that, right.’

‘I know he thinks I need someone.’

‘Well, sure, but he’s a kid. What matters is what you think.’

‘I think my love life might be a lost cause at this point, Amanda. After a high enough number of failed relationships, you have got to face the fact that it might be you who is the common denominator.’

‘Or… maybe you were more focussed on Noah when he was little and needed you more, and now you just have some more time for yourself. Maybe this is your moment. I mean, if you want it to be.’ Amanda looked at Olivia with curiosity. ‘Are you open to a relationship?’

Olivia paused. ‘I think I might be. If it was the right person.’

‘And Barba, any interest there?’

Olivia sighed. ‘I don’t know. You don’t think that ship has sailed? I mean, it’s one thing for us to be able to somehow restore our friendship, but I doubt he’s interested in anything more at this stage.’

Amanda shrugged. ‘That’s between the two of you, I guess. I mean, you’re both single, attractive, and you always had a special connection, anyone could see that. It doesn’t have to mean anything more, though, unless you both want it to.’

‘I think I would be happy if we could just recapture some of the friendship we used to have. Anything beyond that might just be tempting fate.’

Amanda shrugged. ‘If that’s what makes you happy.’

‘You sound sceptical, Amanda,’ said Olivia. Sometimes it annoyed her how Amanda always had to push on boundaries, and couldn’t just leave things be.

‘No, I’m not. It’s just, Carisi and I were friends for quite a long time before we got together, and I think that as it turned out, it gave us a pretty great foundation for a relationship.’

‘Because you were friends first?’ asked Olivia.

‘Yeah, you know, we already knew all of each-others faults, and still liked each other. It’s not a small thing.’

Olivia nodded. ‘I see what you mean. But still it’s, we’re, Rafa and I are very different.’

Amanda tilted her head. ‘I know everyone likes to think of themselves as so unique, and in a lot of ways people are. But there are other ways in which a lot of us are the same. I’m just sayin’ Liv, a chance for happiness, is nothing to sneeze at.’

‘I can’t argue with you there,’ said Olivia.

‘At least… don’t fully make up your mind until you see the house.’

‘You’re really that obsessed with the place?’

‘Hey, I’ve seen the inside.’

‘It’s not going to change anything, Amanda. It’s not like I’m some gold-digger, out to find an eligible man with a fancy brownstone.’

‘It’s not that at all Liv, I just want to see if you think what I thought when I first saw it.’

‘Which is what exactly?’ Olivia found herself getting more curious to see what the inside of the house was like, though she was unsure what it was that Amanda could have noticed.

‘I don’t want to spoil it for you. Just talk to me afterwards, okay? My life is a blur of work briefings and play dates. Carisi and I are like ships in the night these days. You have to let me live through you vicariously.’ She gave Olivia an imploring look

Olivia raised an eyebrow. ‘It’s not like my life is any more exciting.’

‘Let me be the judge of that,’ said Amanda. ‘Now, before I go, you have to catch me up on the gossip from the old precinct.’

Chapter Text

Chapter 10

It was the following Thursday that she received a text message from Rafael.

"Hey Liv, I heard you got a guilty verdict on the Warren case, congratulations!"

She smiled when she read it. She was just home from work, taking some leftover pasta out of the fridge to heat up in the microwave. Noah was out studying at a friend’s house.

"Thanks Rafa. Carisi made a strong case, but you never know with juries. His victims will definitely sleep better now he’s finally behind bars."

"Sounds like Carisi’s really knocking it out of the park these days. I guess you don’t miss me too much anymore."

"Oh I wouldn’t go that far," she typed back quickly. Only after she sent it, did she wonder if it sounded a little bit too needy. But no, he had definitely been fishing for compliments, and it was totally true to say she still often missed his dedication and his unique showmanship at work. Acknowledging that took nothing away from Carisi’s different, but very satisfactory approach to the job.

"Nice to know I’m not entirely forgotten. What are the Bensons up to this weekend?"

Olivia sighed as she typed her reply. "Noah’s headed upstate to stay with Conor again, so I guess it’s another quiet weekend for me."

"Oh I see, well that’s too bad. I had intended to invite the two of you to my place for dinner on Saturday. I wanted to try out one of my Abuelita’s old recipes for Arroz con Pollo, but it makes too much for one."

Olivia pursed her lips, and re-read the message. She looked out the window. The sky had been heavy with drizzle all day- all week really. It would be nice to have something to look forward to at the weekend. She could not even remember the last time someone had made her a home-cooked meal.

"Well, Noah’s out, but I’m still available, if the invitation stands? I’m still waiting to get that tour, after all.’

Straight away, she could see Rafael was already typing his reply.

"Of course the invitation stands. How is seven thirty? I can show you around before we eat."

"Sounds good, I will see you then."

Olivia picked up a nice bottle of wine to bring to Rafael’s house, a Cabernet Franc from South America.

She spent some time settling on what to wear, and selected a well-fitting pair of dark wash jeans, and a silky purple shirt. She felt put together, but not too over the top, which seemed about right.

She decided to take the subway there, thinking a cab home would be worth it to be able to enjoy a glass of wine.

After all the hype from Amanda, she couldn’t really expect the house to live up to it, but she was still looking forward to the evening. With Noah so busy these days, she more often found herself at a loss on evenings like this. Most friends and colleagues she had were at home with their partners and families. On reflection, she could see how Noah could possibly be concerned about her spending too much time alone.

Of course, she had Amanda, Carisi, Fin, Elliot… and a number of old friends that she could easily call on, from throughout her career. But lately, she hadn’t been picking up the phone to make plans much. Maybe she had gotten into a bit of a rut, she contemplated, as the subway rumbled through the dark tunnel under the river.

The rain was bucketing down when she ascended the subway steps, and she had to shield herself with a too-small umbrella that was threatening to blow away the final few blocks to the brownstone.

She barely had time to feel nervous as she knocked on the door, but it didn’t escape her that it was just the two of them tonight, with no buffer.

The door swung open, the warm light from inside illuminating the glittering raindrops.

‘Liv, you must be drenched, come on in,’ said Rafael, standing aside.

She gratefully entered the hall, holding out the carrier bag that held the wine.

‘That’s for you, sorry the bag got wet,’ she said.

‘You shouldn’t have,’ said Rafael, setting it down on the bench part of a Victorian coat stand. ‘Let me take your coat,’ he stepped around her, and helped her removed the damp overcoat, and hung it up on a hook. She could smell his cologne, a peppery mix of grapefruit and cedar, as he came near.

It was a relief to get rid of the wet garment, and she already felt herself warming up, as she noticed the fire in the front room. He saw her looking.

‘Why don’t you come in and sit by the fire to warm up? I can grab you a cup of tea? Or a glass of wine, whatever you want.’

‘Tea would be great, we could save the wine for dinner.’

Olivia was happy to agree to his suggestion, and stepped into the front room.

She noticed the white marble fireplace, and then a large, plump, dark green sofa just below the front window. By the fire, there were two wingback armchairs with a green, gray and blue wool check pattern, positioned well to sit and sip on a drink whilst watching the fire. The fire itself was contained in a large iron inset stove, and it filled the whole room with a soothing heat. The light sound of crackling wood was just about audible through the glass front.

‘It is so cosy in here’ she remarked, taking a seat on one of the armchairs. She looked above the mantlepiece and admired a gold-framed painting. It depicted a forest behind a lake. There was something so peaceful about the scene, the sense of space around the thicket of trees.

‘This is a beautiful painting, Rafael,’ she told him. It wasn’t really a surprise that he liked art, as he had always dressed with a certain flair.

‘It’s actually a print of a Tomás Sánchez work,’ he told her. ‘He’s a Cuban artist.’

He slipped through a pocket door to the right, which must have led to the kitchen.

As she felt the warmth relaxing her body, she took in all the details of the room. There was wood panelling, and the upper the walls were also painted a warm moss green. On the wall opposite the fireplace, beside the doorway through which they had entered, a collection of old black and white family photos were arranged on the wall. She thought she could recognise Rafael’s mother, Lucia, in her wedding dress in one photograph. There was also a picture of her with a small child on her knee, and she suspected that child might have been Rafael.

On the parquet floor there was spread a large wool area rug patterned in muted greys and greens, faded by time, and likely vintage. She also noticed a cosy sherpa-lined dog’s bed to the right of the fire, and guessed that was probably Bruno’s favourite spot.

It was nice to think that Rafael had this lovely place to be in, she realised, during all the time they had been estranged.

For as much as she had genuinely felt angry, she had in some ways just clung on to her resentment. Of course, she had also experienced moments of concern for him, where her resolve had wavered and guilt crept in. There had been times, especially late at night, when she couldn't sleep, and she had wondered how he was doing, and whether he was at all lonely or unhappy. Whether he still thought about her as often as she thought about him. She had still on some deeper level wished him well, as much as she might have hurt him with her silence.

His home felt like a refuge, a retreat from the harsh reality of the city outside. The furniture and the colours were timeless. The impression was not contemporary and yet not pin-pointed in any one moment of the past, but almost like a nostalgic dream of a better time. It wouldn’t be a difficult place in which to feel at home.

She thought of Bruno, emerging from a life wandering the unforgiving streets, and winding up here at the hearth of this home, and a soft smile crept across her face. It took her a moment to realise that Rafael had returned to the room, and that he was looking at her seriously.

She gave him a more direct smile of acknowledgement, and he returned it as she came forward with a tray holding a teapot, two cups and a jug of milk.

‘English breakfast tea, hope that’s okay,’ he said, setting the tray down on a small brass accent table near her chair.

‘Sounds like the right thing for a rainy night,’ she said. He poured her a cup, which she accepted gratefully, before adding her own milk from the jug.

‘I really like what you have done with this place Rafa,’ she told him. ‘You kept all the original details, but you’ve also made it so much your own.’

Rafael looked down and smiled. ‘I’m glad you like it,’ he said. ‘After the tea, I can show you the rest. Though I still have a lot left to do.’

‘At first, I was surprised that you had taken on a house you needed to fix up yourself,’ admitted Olivia. ‘But it also kind of makes sense, because you always had a flair for colour and design.’

Rafael nodded. ‘I think the design part is what I have found the most rewarding. It makes the harder work of restoring the surfaces and sanding back the old layers of paint worth-while.’

‘I don’t remember ever seeing where you lived before, when we worked together.’

Rafael shook his head. ‘Well, no, you had Noah most of that time. It always made more sense for me to come to you.’

She recalled the look on his face when he had seen the chaos of Noah’s toys all over her apartment. She had thought at the time that his place was probably quite minimalist and organised, everything in its place.

However, his home surprised her, because it wasn’t quite what she expected. It was warmer, a bit more eclectic and even somewhat bohemian. Reflecting all the sides of him she hadn’t really seen at work, she supposed.

Once the cups of tea were finished, and Olivia felt truly warmed to her bones, she took a step with Rafael into the kitchen. ‘This works out well, actually, because I can also check on dinner,’ he said, approaching the stove, which was a gas fired range. He lifted the lid of a large copper pot and stirred the contents, which smelled of warm spices, peppers and garlic.

‘Smells great,’ said Olivia, taking in the well-sized chef’s kitchen, and the glass doors out to the deck. Outside, the rain was pouring down, but she could imagine sitting out there on a sunny day with a glass of chilled wine.

There was a second fireplace to the left, another wood fire blazing inside the inset stove. On a low mustard coloured armchair just beside the fireplace, Bruno was curled up, fast asleep, snoring softly.

‘This dog has really landed on his feet,’ said Olivia with a smile.

‘Tell me about it,’ grinned Rafael. He opened up his refrigerator, and removed a bottle of white wine, pouring a little into the pot and stirring.

‘I never knew you could cook,’ said Olivia.

‘I don’t think I did, not much anyway, when I was in the D.A.’s office,’ said Rafael. ‘I inherited my Abuelita’s hand-written recipe book after she died. I didn’t open it for a couple of years. And then one evening here, I had decided to try to make her Ropa Vieja. I remembered the book was tucked away between my old law books on a shelf. It was so nice to open it up, and see her handwriting again, to touch the pages, to read the little notes she made. Even to see the marks where her sauces spattered the pages. And being able to recreate those flavours- I don’t do it as well as her of course- but still, it’s a way to remember her.’

Olivia smiled. ‘I can imagine. Thank you for sharing one of them with me, too.’

Rafael shrugged. He tasted the broth in the pot with a spoon.

‘This is nearly there, about ten minutes. Would you like to see upstairs too?’

Olivia nodded, and let him guide the way. She listened with interest to the tidbits of information he offered her about the architectural details.

He didn’t linger near the bedroom, but she could see inside he had a generous mahogany sleigh bed, and that again everything was classic, with a sense of history. They did pause to admire the clawfoot bathtub and the intricate tile work in the large bathroom. By the time he got near the next staircase, he paused. ‘I’m still doing a bit of work up here, so it’s kind of a mess, but I can show you if you want? It’s a lot of stairs.’

‘Hey, I might be getting older, but I’m not at the stage where I am letting stairs put me off,’ said Olivia with a smirk.

Rafael looked a little sheepish, and brought her up. She could see there were two large rooms with a closet in between, and one of them was newly painted in a soft green.

‘These are going to be great too, I can tell. What are you doing with them?’

‘I haven’t exactly decided probably guest rooms, maybe an office.’ He looked a little bit lost. Maybe not just lost, but also self-conscious.

‘I know it probably seems a bit ridiculous, to have all this space, just for one person.’

Olivia looked at him. ‘I didn’t think that at all. You’ll have room for your Mom or your other family to come and stay.’

Rafael made a face ‘Well, yeah, maybe my Mom, not sure I want all the extended family traipsing through, though.’

‘It will be hard to keep them away from a place this good,’ remarked Olivia.

Rafael smirked. ‘I have my ways, don’t worry.’ As he turned to head back down the stairs to check on dinner, Olivia realised what it was Amanda had been referring to, and what it was that made Rafael self-conscious. This was a family house. Of course it didn’t have to be, but it seemed possible that whenever he had bought it, he had been thinking that he would use all these rooms, and there would be other people there with him. He had always seemed to her such a solitary man, but was it also possible that deep down, he had also craved another type of a life?

‘When did you say you bought this place again, Rafa?’ she asked him casually, as they descended the steps together.

‘Oh, back in 2021. The bottom had fallen out of the market, that’s why I was able to get a good deal.’

She thought back to 2021. It was well after he left the office, but they were still on good terms back then.

‘You never mentioned anything,’ she remarked.

‘Oh, yeah, I know.’ He sounded nervous. ‘To start with, I wasn’t sure if it was a mistake. I thought that maybe I would change my mind and sell it. And then I thought maybe I would get the chance to move back to work in the city, and fix it up it, before I showed it to you. And then, well, I suppose as you know, life just sort of got in the way.’

Olivia took a moment to digest that, as they neared the end of the stairs and faced each other.

He had been nervous to show her the house back then, she realised. He had cared that much about what she thought about it. And she had been so focussed on her own life, her job, Noah, she hadn’t even realised anything was going on with him. She remembered when he called her, after Ed died. He’d always been the one doing the running, checking in, finding out how she was. Had she always been so self-absorbed that she didn’t know what was happening in the lives of her closest friends?

‘I’m sorry I didn’t know about such a big thing that happened in your life Rafa,’ she said. ‘You know, for us to be friends again, I want it to be a two way street- we should both be sharing what’s going on with us. It’s not just on you to look out for me, it should be going both ways. That’s fair right?’

‘That does sound fair,’ said Rafael. She could tell from the soft look in his eyes, though, that her words had genuinely moved him. ‘Thanks Olivia. Of course, before you decide how long you want our friendship to last, you might want to sample my cooking.’

He gestured to his kitchen table and she nodded.

‘I definitely built up an appetite with all those stairs- let’s see what we’re working with here.’

Chapter Text

They would sit at the cherry dining table in Rafael’s kitchen to eat.

Olivia helped bring over the salad bowl, and he laid out the silverware.

As Rafael opened up the wine, Olivia started on her dinner. The food was well-seasoned and delicious. He could really cook.

‘Rafa, this is incredible,’ she remarked, looking at him with wide eyes.

Rafael smirked as he popped the cork from the wine bottle. ‘I suppose you could say that I'm a man of hidden talents.’

‘You can say that again.’ Olivia said spooning a little heavy sour cream from a side bowl on to the side of the golden rice and chicken dish. ‘I’m beginning to wonder why Noah ever comes back to my place, between the food here and everything else.’

He placed a glass of wine beside her place and took a seat opposite her.

‘I don’t always cook or eat like this, I can assure you. If it’s a week where I am working, especially in court, then I am no stranger to a takeout menu.’

‘I wonder if you could teach Noah to make this,’ contemplated Olivia.

Rafael considered it. ‘Well, he’s a quick learner, I don’t see what not. He helped me out with brunch the other day.’

‘You do seem to have cast some kind of spell over him,’ commented Olivia. She still had that remark that Noah had made about how Rafael didn’t work all the time, like her, in the back of her mind.

Rafael gave a soft smile. ‘You know, I’m still a novelty, as he hadn’t seen me that much recently. I think the people that we are truly the closest to, we tend to take for granted.’

Olivia nodded. She found herself wondering if in her past life, she had taken Rafael for granted, too.

He took a sip of his wine. ‘Wow, this wine is terrific, Liv.’

She smiled. ‘I’m so glad you like it. It was the least I could do, with you going to all the trouble of making dinner.’

‘It wasn’t trouble at all. I enjoy it, when I have the time.’

‘You never said what kind of work you are doing these days?’

‘I work as an attorney for the Themis foundation. My friend Renée started. It looks mainly at cases of discrimination and sexual harassment in the work place, taking on some of the bigger corporations.’

‘You must be enjoying that,’ she remarked. ‘I remember Optimum Air.’

Rafael nodded. ‘I also thought about that case when she came to me. A lot of those issues are systemic, so there’s so much we can do in a targeted way to address it and promote better legislation.’

She could see the old fire was still in his eyes. ‘I’m so glad you’re still using your talents to fight against these problems.’

‘Well you know, contrary to what you might have thought, I didn’t leave the D.A.’s office expressly to join the side of the criminals.’

They were back to Wheatley again. ‘I know that, Rafa.’ She took a sip of her wine.

‘I suppose after being charged with murder myself, I started to see the system differently. Because I realised, you could be trying your best to uphold every value you thought mattered, and it could still chew you up and spit you out.’

‘McCoy should never have taken that case against you.’

Rafael shrugged. ‘He did it for optics, and I understand why he did. But the problem is, that there aren’t enough protections in place to ensure that when the system sees a threat, more to its own machinations than to the values its supposed to uphold, that it can turn on someone, and make them collateral damage.’

‘Do you feel like you were collateral damage?’ asked Olivia.

Rafael shook his head, a sad resignation in his eyes. ‘No, I played too big of a part in my own downfall. In some ways, I think I self-destructed because I just couldn’t go on. I guess everything I saw in work had taken a toll, as well as my father’s death and the issues I had with him that I never got to resolve.’

‘You are in such a good place now though, Rafa,’ Olivia reminded him. She meant it, too. In some ways, it was like she was looking at a different man. She would never forget how broken he had looked on the witness stand, in tears over what he had done.

He nodded. ‘You know, Liv, I never properly thanked you, for the way that you were there for me, when I was being prosecuted. You didn’t worry about how it looked, being associated with me, and you never stopped being my friend.’

‘You would have done the same for me,’ she said quickly.

‘I would hope that I would. But not only did I not thank you, but I left after that, and I was out of touch off and on. I never really said anything to you, not about how I felt.’

Rafael looked down, and he pushed a leaf of cilantro around his almost empty plate.

‘You said goodbye to me, that day at the steps of the courthouse.’ There was a catch in Olivia’s voice as she reminded him. That had been a painful day.

‘Yes I did.’ Rafael nodded.

‘I knew that you cared about me Rafa. You always made that clear. Not only through your words, but through the things you did.’

‘Well, I’m glad you knew.’ He looked down. ‘And I’m sorry if there have been times where it seemed, where I couldn’t hide that I was jealous, you know, of the other men in your life.’

Olivia paused. ‘When you say you were jealous, how do you mean? Because I was close to them, too?’

Rafael let out a small, bitter laugh. ‘I feel like I need to say this just once, to be sure. I was jealous of Tucker, and Cassidy, and Stabler, and I am in no way proud of any of it. Especially if it coloured how I handled things with Wheatley- though I maintain, I also happened to think I could protect you. I mean, I know first-hand that there is nothing you won’t do for those you care about, so someone had to have your back in the process.’

Olivia felt her head swimming because he was pulling them back into the Wheatley business that they had promised to resolve but she knew he was using the context for a reason.

‘Rafa, we promised to leave the past in the past on this, remember?’

‘I do, and I am sorry to have mentioned it again. But I just had to explain once and for all, about the reason I always have tried to do anything I could to protect you. Unfortunately it’s the same reason why I sometimes may have crossed a line that I shouldn’t have, or have gone against what you asked me to do. Sometimes, when I worry that you might be in danger, or something bad could happen to you, I just lose all objectivity, and I can’t even think straight. And that is because I love you. More than anyone else in the world. And I promised myself that if we ever got to really talk again, that I would tell you that, even though I can already predict that your response won’t be what I am hoping for. I just had to tell you anyway.’

Olivia blinked.

‘And so then when you said you were jealous you meant that…’

‘…Well yes, that I was jealous when you had an significant man in your life, because I wanted to be that man, to you. I just wanted you to see me that way, too. And I do understand that you don’t, and I am sorry to have brought it up. I must be making you so uncomfortable right now.’ His eyes were remorseful.

Olivia’s whole nervous system had gone into overdrive, because these feelings that had been so long buried just below the surface were now suddenly out in the open. It was a seismic shift.

‘I wish you had said something, then,’ she told him.

‘What, during the trial?’ asked Rafael, confused, and their minds both travelled back to that fraught time with Wheatley. What could he have said, and would she have even listened? They both knew it was unlikely.

‘No, before. I mean, whenever you first felt that way.’

‘There just never seemed to be a good time. I mean there was William Lewis, there was Brian and then Tucker, you were so busy with Noah, and then there was Sheila Porter…’

Olivia nodded. ‘In some ways that time of my life is sort of a blur to me Rafa, there was so much going on. But I do remember that you were always my friend.’

Rafael nodded. ‘And I can still be your friend. If you still want me in your life, and I haven’t made things too awkward by bringing this up, that is.’ He looked at her carefully.

‘It’s kind of hard to unring the bell on something like this.’ said Olivia.

Rafael’s posture sagged and he seemed to shrink back into his chair. ‘I know. I’ve ruined things, and I’m sorry. Let me call you a cab, at least.’

‘Hang on, let me finish,’ said Olivia.

He looked at her, some kind of terrible hope rising up behind his gaze.

‘I can’t forget that you said it, and I can’t pretend that I had never thought about the possibility of you and me, either.’

‘Really?’ he asked, his mouth slightly open.

‘Yes of course Rafa. I mean, I wasn’t always with someone. And you were, well, what we had, it was something special. I knew that. I was able to talk to you, when I was doubting myself about being a good mother. I was able to go to you when I was unsure if I could trust my instincts. You were a safe place for me to go to, in a world that at times felt very unkind. And you were always there, too, you never faltered.’

Rafael nodded.

‘I mean, it’s not a bad trait, to be the kind of man that can always be relied upon.’ She looked at him. ‘I suppose I had thought back then that maybe if we didn’t work together, it might have been easier.’

‘The conflict of interest,’ he acknowledged, swallowing.

‘Yes of course. It would have been hard to put the work at risk. We were quite the dream team back then, you know.’ She gave a nostalgic smile.

‘That we were,’ he said wistfully.

‘And then, when we weren’t working together, you had moved out of the state, and after that there was the pandemic…’ And then of course after that there was the return of Elliot Stabler, which she chose not to mention.

‘So you mean that it was never the right time? But if it was, you might have considered giving it a chance?’ Rafael was looking at her in disbelief, trying to process what was happening.

‘Is that really so shocking to you? I’ve never thought of you as lacking in self confidence.’

He smiled, in spite of himself. ‘Guilty as charged. I guess I just assumed that I wasn’t your type.’

‘Well it may have escaped your notice, Rafa, but my type hasn’t exactly been working out so great for me for the last few decades.’ Olivia looked away, something like regret passing across her features.

Rafael swallowed, and shook his head as if to clear his own stray thoughts of the past away. ‘And what about now, has too much happened, do you think there is too much water under the bridge or…? ’

‘Rafa, if you want to know the answer, you have to ask the actual question.’

Rafael shifted in his seat. She knew this was part of what had tripped him up before, he was reluctant to ask a question when he thought he knew he wouldn’t like the answer. It was a vestige of his work as a prosecutor. But tonight, she needed him to ask, if this was going to be a real beginning.

Rafael steeled himself, and took a fairly large sip of wine.

‘Olivia Benson, will you please let me take you out on an actual date?’

Chapter Text

A few hours before, when Rafael had been getting ready for Olivia to visit, he’d felt the sort of nerves that he hadn’t felt in years.

He tended to be naturally tidy, so there hadn’t been that much to do to get the place ready. Still, he had found himself re-cleaning the same countertops and re-plumping the same pillows, just looking for things to do that would keep him occupied. Anything to stop himself from thinking too deeply about what it might mean that Olivia was willing to re-form their friendship.

He had warned himself in advance not to push things, nor to hope for too much. And then somehow, through the course of their conversation, all his feelings, which he had so long kept at bay, had rushed to the surface, and he had laid it all on the line.

Now that he had finally asked her out, after so many years side-stepping, or trying to ask without really asking, he felt an eerie sense of calm as he waited for an answer. She didn’t leave him waiting long.

‘Rafa, yes, I’ll go out with you,’ she said with a smile, her eyes shining with an emotion he couldn’t quite name. ‘I mean, technically, we’re having dinner already,’ she gestured to the almost empty plates, and he was gratified that she seemed to have enjoyed his food and appreciated the effort he had given over to the meal.

He nodded. ‘Well I know that, but this was just supposed to be dinner as friends. So, another evening?’

She nodded. ‘Another night, yes.’

He knew he was staring at her, but it was difficult not to. He liked the shirt she was wearing. It was a deep purple silk, a colour that he had always thought looked good on her. He liked that she had clearly made an effort for him. He also still couldn’t quite believe that she had had genuinely thought about the idea of being with him as more than a friend, over the years. How had he never been able to tell? Maybe it was because he wanted it to be true so badly, that it had clouded his perception. Or, he considered, maybe Olivia was really just that good at hiding things. Which, if it were the case, was not entirely good news.

He looked at a their empty plates again. ‘We’re pretty much done with dinner. Would you like to finish the wine in the living room, by the fire?’

Olivia titled her head, and nodded. ‘Sure, that sounds nice.’

He hoped she didn’t think he was immediately going to try and seduce her. He had no intention of rushing her in any way. He only hoped the change of venue might restore the equilibrium of the evening, which had been going so smoothly up until his declaration of love.

She helped him put away their dishes in the dishwasher, despite his protests. Then, he topped up their glasses before they went to take a seat on the sofa in the front room. Olivia slipped off her heels and tucked her socked feet underneath her as she sat to face him.

He took off his own loafers and mirrored her body language. He couldn’t get over how domestic it felt to have her here at home, curled up on the sofa beside him, on a Saturday night.

The rain was really coming down outside. Inside, it was warm, and the glow of the firelight was illuminating her face. Tiny sparks of flame reflected in her dark eyes. He knew right then that he would never tire of this view.

He also noticed the moment that a cloud of worry crossed her face. ‘About Noah,’ she said. ‘I think it might be better if he doesn’t know about us dating. He’s just a little too invested.’

Rafael cleared his throat. ‘Of course I understand. We can keep everything normal for him, right?’

Her heart had skipped at his use of the word ‘we. ' As always, his care for her son meant the world to her.

‘I think that’s best, and that way, if things don’t work out, nothing has really changed for him, and as far as he knows, we’re still just friends.’ She looked down.

Rafael nodded. ‘I agree it’s the best approach. But, Liv…’

She looked up at the sound of her name, but he could see the doubt creeping in on her face already.

‘Yes, Rafa?’

‘Don’t rush to assume things won’t work out, okay? I mean, if it goes well, there’s no reason why some day, this couldn’t become a relationship, and then he could know, right?’

‘Rafa, you know better than anyone how bad I am at these things.’ Olivia shifted in her seat, uncomfortable and took a sip of wine, and looked towards the fireplace.

‘I haven’t had much in the way of long-term relationships myself, given my age,’ said Rafael honestly. ‘A lot of women would probably consider that a red flag.’

‘Well yes, but you- I imagine you’ve had a relationship when you wanted one, and then when you haven’t had one it’s been because you’ve enjoyed being on your own, throwing yourself into your work.’

‘I don’t know that’s entirely true,’ said Rafael. ‘Yes, work has long been my priority, but there have been times when I have felt lonely too.’ He thought about coming back to his apartment the night he had found out about her and Tucker, the sour feeling in his stomach. He also remembered the long years after the Wheatley trial, the dull ache of not even being able to call her on the phone. That feeling of wanting more had crept up on him, that much he could admit.

Olivia nodded. ‘I can imagine. But for me, I feel like I have already tried to make relationships work. I have wanted them to work. I have had real chances with men who truly cared about me, and for some reason, I have just never been able to take that next step and really commit to it, or else maybe they haven’t… But I am the common denominator in all of that Rafa.’ She looked at him anxiously. ‘I think that it’s fair for you to know what you’re getting yourself into. And if you changed you mind, I would understand.’

Rafael placed his wine glass on the floor, and sat forward a little, still giving her space on the sofa as he reached to take her free hand.

‘I’m not changing my mind.’ He told her, making steady eye contact. ‘Liv, there is pretty much nothing you can tell me that’s going to scare me off.’

She gave a small, hollow, laugh.

‘I don’t think you have any idea how messed up I really am.’

‘So, try me.’ He spoke gently, but he wasn’t letting the matter drop.

‘It’s been a long time since I have been with anyone, physically.’ Again, she was looking down, but he didn’t look away from her face, willing her to get it all out. ‘I mean, there was an old ex of mine- but that was really ill-advised. I didn’t realise that he had pretty much taken advantage of me when I was a teenager. Maybe I was in denial. I sometimes think with my childhood, and my father, I just don’t have a map for what normal is supposed to be in a relationship, and I have never been able to draw my own. And then Elliot tried…’

This was going to hurt, Rafael told himself, as he found himself prompting her. ‘Elliot tried to what?’ he asked softly.

‘Well, we had been getting closer, and he tried to kiss me, and I felt like I just shut down.’ Out of nowhere, a tear slid down her cheek. He wanted to brush it away, but he also felt how sensitive the moment was, and just kept ahold of her hand, stroking her fingers gently in reassurance.

‘I don’t think that it was right anyway, between Elliot and I, not like that, anyway, not after Kathy and his kids and everything else. But I also can’t help thinking that maybe that part of me is just too damaged, by everything that’s happened. I mean, ever since William Lewis, and all of the things he did to me, and the scars I will always have. I can’t deny that it has all changed how I feel about myself, and how it feels to think about being with someone. When it comes to real intimacy, I just don’t know if I can maintain it, in the long term. I don’t even really know for sure how I will react at any given time. The past has this way of just creeping up on you.’

Rafael reached out to hold the side of Olivia’s face, and he could feel the slight damp on her cheek where the tear had trailed down.

‘Olivia, you don’t need to worry about any of that with me.’

She smiled ruefully. ‘You say that now,’ she said, her voice sounding thick. ‘But it matters.’

‘Not in the way you think it does, not to me,’ said Rafael, holding her hand more firmly. ‘Anything that happens between us, it will only be because you want it to. And if you never do, that is completely fine. If you at any point change your mind about dating, we can go back to being friends just like before. As long as I get to have you in my life, that’s enough for me, however you want it.’

She sniffed. ‘Thanks Rafa. I’m sorry, I don’t know what came over me.’ She shook her head.

‘You don’t need to apologise to me for this. Thank you for sharing your worries with me. I want you to keep on doing that.’

‘And you’ll return the favour?’ asked Olivia.

‘Yes of course,’ acknowledged Rafael. ‘You know, I feel like we still have so much to catch up on. I met Noah’s new half-brother, you remember. But how has all of that been for you?’ He looked at her with concern.

Olivia frowned and looked down at her glass, which was empty. ‘Well, that one’s kind of a long story,’

‘We have all night,’ said Rafael. He sat up a little bit straighter. ‘Hey, if you don’t have to be back for Noah tonight, you are welcome to stay. It’s not like I don’t have room. There are fresh sheets on the bed upstairs. If you take that, I can sleep down here on the pull out.’ He wanted to make it very clear he wasn’t expecting anything, especially not after the feelings she had just disclosed. He also didn’t want her to be alone that night, because he sensed her vulnerability. He knew it would annoy her if she deduced that his feelings of protectiveness were a key part of his reasoning.

‘I can’t put you out of your own bed, Rafa. It’s no trouble for me to get a cab home.’

‘It might be harder than you think, with all this rain. And the pull-out is really comfortable, my mom approved it, so she wouldn't need to use the stairs when she stays over. Plus, if you stayed, we could have breakfast in the morning, and take Bruno for a walk, before you head back. I make a pretty killer scrambled eggs with cheese and scallions, too.’

She smiled as he piled on the reasons to stay.

‘Don’t think you can use all your courtroom negotiation skills on me, Barba,’ she said, deliberately slipping back to his old moniker. ‘I am wise to pretty much all of your tricks, don't forget that I have seen you in action many times.’

He eyed her ‘I might surprise you yet, Captain. I think you’ll find I still have one or two tricks up my sleeve you haven’t seen.’ His tone was haughty.

She raised an eyebrow.

‘But of course, I understand if you’re busy and need to be back early. It’s up to you.’ He didn't want to push his luck, when he was already getting the date he had hoped for.

Olivia looked thoughtful. ‘Well, truthfully, Noah won’t be back till late tomorrow evening. And I also have nothing in the fridge at home to even make for breakfast tomorrow, because I forgot to go to the market yesterday.’

Rafael nodded solemnly. ‘The path ahead seems clear.’

‘If you’re sure,’ said Olivia, uncertainly.

He nodded. ‘I’m completely sure. I’ll get you some pyjamas from the linen closet. I have a spare toothbrush too, and anything else you might need. And, more importantly I have a pretty good whisky somewhere too, if you feel like a nightcap before bed.’

‘I was wondering where the whisky was hiding,’ Olivia said, as he rose to his feet to set about his tasks.

Chapter Text

Waking up in Rafael’s bed, it took Olivia a moment to remember where she was.

The conversation of the night before came back to her unbidden, and she cringed a little at some of the things she had revealed to Rafael. Nonetheless, there was a relief as well, at having been able to unburden herself.

Never with Brian, nor with Tucker, has she ever been able, much less willing, to really talk about what William Lewis had cost her. With Elliot, after so long apart, she hadn’t even known where to begin. How could she have brought up Lewis without it seeming like an accusation, not only for his wordless departure, but for not his never finding out through shared colleagues what had happened, not sending so much as a note of concern, or a text message? Living through the ordeal was one problem, but managing the feelings of the men in her life about had been its own special trial.

But Rafael knew everything without being told. The case file, and her testimony, and even, she suspected the things she had held back. He could read her so well. And she also knew there was a sense of guilt he held on to for Lewis’s freedom before her attack. But all she could tell him about that, if he had asked, was that she knew perfectly well that if he had been unable to secure Lewis behind bars in the face of his ruthless manipulations, then there was no lawyer who could have done more.

Now that she had admitted to Rafael her long-held fear that the experience with Lewis had fundamentally changed her, and spoken the words aloud, it felt as though the power of that fear was already diminishing.

She ran a hand over the bed sheets- they were a silky smooth cotton sateen, nicer than any hotel that she had ever stayed in. It wasn’t exactly a surprise that Rafael liked the finer things- anyone who had witnessed his impressive array of courtroom attire would be less than shocked. The mattress had felt like sleeping on a cloud, though perhaps part of that was the lightness she had felt since the weight of some of their shared past had been lifted.

This bedroom, though, with its large, decadent sleigh bed, the muted landscape paintings that adorned the walls and original wood paneling, had a timeless romantic quality that she hadn’t really expected from Rafael. Contemporary and minimalist would not have surprised her, or perhaps even some more vibrant colours, more in keeping with some of his more daring ties or patterned socks, would have been in keeping with the style of the Rafael she had remembered from their work together. Of course, he’d also grown and matured since that time, as had she.

He was quite different now, she decided, that the clean-shaven brashness of his younger days, his edges a little softer and his way of expressing himself a little less razor sharp. Yet in both versions, he retained a certain reassuring authenticity, an emotional honesty, that placed her almost instantly at ease. That might have been the quality of his that she had missed the most of all.

A noise downstairs, the clatter of a pan, alerted her to the fact that he was likely awake already, and she climbed out of bed. She borrowed a plush navy robe from the hook on the door and belted it around her waist over the borrowed pyjamas. Stepping into the landing, she could smell the inviting scent of coffee and breakfast cooking.

On her way down the steps, he could hear Rafael in a quiet conversation with Bruno, who was whining loudly.

‘See, boy, you really don’t want to go outside, it’s still raining now. We’ll go out later, I promise.’

Reaching the kitchen, she saw him standing by the back door, casually dressed in sweats and standing beside Bruno, both owner and dog gazing out dolefully at the pouring rain.

‘Good morning,’ she said.

He turned to face her, and his face lit up. ‘Liv, you’re up, how did you sleep?’

‘Um, incredibly well,’ she admitted sheepishly. ‘You have to tell me where you got those sheets.’

‘Hey, every man has a right to his secrets,’ he said, with a grin. ‘Can I get you a coffee?’

She nodded, and pulled up a stool at his breakfast bar, as he returned to the stove where he was preparing their scrambled eggs.

He poured her a hot mug of coffee, and handed it to her. As their fingertips brushed, she felt a certain spark that reminded her that this really could be the start of something new. She studied his face, wondering if he felt it too, or if she had soured things with everything she had talked about the night before.

He placed a salt cellar and a pepper mill in front of her on the countertop.

A moment later, he was plating up their breakfast with a side of toast, and some glasses of orange juice.

‘I have to say, the service in this place is really top notch,’ she remarked playfully, as he handed her a napkin.

‘I take it that means I can expect a good tip.' he said, before starting in on his own meal.

‘It looks like our walk might need to be postponed?’ she asked him, glancing out the window. She was in no hurry to leave, but at the current heaviness of the rain, it was hard to imagine a walk being anything other than miserable.

He sighed. ‘I know, another washout. I have to get Bruno out for a while at some stage, but there is no need to subject you to the weather as well.’

‘I can head away after this,’ offered Olivia.

Rafael frowned. ‘You definitely can, though if you liked...' he glanced at her appraisingly, '...there’s a midday show of Casablanca on TV. I was thinking of watching it in the living room, if you wanted to, and have time?’

Olivia was tempted.

‘Won’t Bruno complain if his walk is being postponed?’

‘I took him out for a quick walk around the block already earlier, through the lighter rain, so I think he’ll last. Plus, black and white movies are his absolute favourite.’

Olivia raised an eyebrow. ‘He has very specific tastes, for a dog.’

‘He’s a very unique personality, but he always has his reasons.’

‘Well, if you’re sure Bruno won’t object, that sounds like a nice afternoon. And then after that, I really should get back home to catch up on a few things around the apartment.’

Rafael smiled. ‘Yes, of course.’

They spent the late morning in a leisurely way, lingering over a second cup of coffee, and chatting about their upcoming weeks. Rafael mentioned in passing that he’d check in with her later when she next had a night free.

When they settled on the sofa to watch the movie, Rafael had produced a soft knitted blanket that was ideal to spread out over their laps. He had lit a new fire in the stove, before sitting near her on the couch, and he was giving her plenty of room. Too much, she decided. Taking the initiative, she shifted a little closer to him, leaning her back against his chest, and she found that he reciprocated, turning to secure an arm around her. She relaxed her head, and the side of her temple came to rest against his chin. She liked the feel of the rise and fall of his solid chest behind her.

‘You okay like this?’ he asked softly.

She nodded. ‘Yeah, this is pretty nice, actually.’ She turned to look up at him, and was met by the warmth of the affection in his eyes. At that moment, a heavy, graceless thud at the end of the sofa announced that Bruno had arrived to join them. He stretched out his paws to around Olivia’s ankles under the blanket in a way that tickled, and yawned, showing all his teeth.

‘That dog really knows how to ruin a moment,’ remarked Rafael with a grin, before turning up the sound on the TV.

Between the warm of the fire, and the secure feeling being held, and the soothing muffled sound of the rain on the street outside, she had a hard time not dropping off to sleep during a movie she has seen so many times before. She looked up once and saw that Rafael had beaten her to it, and was definitely asleep, his mouth slightly open. The lines on his face were relaxed, and he looked younger. It was a good face, she thought. She next looked down the length of the sofa, and saw that Bruno had his chin resting just near her foot, and was also asleep. Sighing, but with a smile, she decided the best thing to do was to join them for a nap.

The louder music over the end credits was the next sound to wake her, and Rafael stirred around the same time.

He blinked, rising up on his elbow. ‘I'm afraid I might have missed some of that.’

Olivia laughed. ‘Yeah no kidding, you and Bruno barely made it through the opening credits.’

Rafael shook his head in self-reproach. ‘I was really looking forward to rewatching that too.’

‘You must have needed the rest,’ said Olivia.

‘I think I was just a bit too relaxed. This was a pretty decent way to spend a rainy afternoon though,’ he commented, and pressed a kiss to the top of her forehead.

‘No complaints from me,’ said Olivia, as she stretched, before checking the time on the television clock. ‘It is getting later though, I should really be getting back.’

Rafael nodded and shrugged off the blanket, standing up.

‘You’re welcome to use the shower,’ he told her. 'There are plenty of towels inside the bathroom cabinet.'

‘Thanks- maybe just a quick one,’ she acknowledged. ‘Shame I don’t have time to give that bath a try.’

‘Maybe on another occasion,’ he said, with a quirk of his eyebrow she wasn’t quite sure how to read. She smirked.

‘I wasn’t implying…’ he added quickly, wary of overstepping.

Olivia laughed. ‘Relax Rafa, it’s just me.’

He nodded, looking reassured. ‘I just meant that I want you to feel at home, you know, when you are here.’

‘I just know I am going to get back to my place, and start looking at all the odd jobs I need to do, like the shelf that sits just a little bit crooked, and the pile of laundry I need to sort. This place is a lot to live up to, Rafa.’

He smiled and shook his head dismissively. ‘I always liked your place.’

She nodded. ‘Well, you come see us some night soon, too, then. I know Noah would be happy to see you.’

He nodded. ‘I’d like that. And I haven’t forgotten what we discussed, about keeping the dating part separate.’

She smiled. ‘Thanks Rafa. I appreciate that.’

It was half an hour later that Olivia had taken her shower (his shower gel was basil and lime scented, and in a word, divine), re-dressed and summoned her uber.

As she saw the car approach on her phone screen, she bid Rafael her goodbye. ‘Thanks for last night, and this morning Rafa. It was a great weekend.’

He nodded almost shyly. ‘Thanks for coming, Liv.’ He leaned forward, and pressed a kiss to the corner of her mouth. Before he drew back, he squeezed her arm, and looked her in the eye.

‘Promise me you’ll try not to over-think this?’

She smiled. ‘Well, I can definitely promise to try,’ she said, before making her way out the door.

Chapter Text

In the Benson household, Olivia and Noah had first tried their hands at making pizzas from scratch during the pandemic. Olivia had even acquired a pizza stone on which to bake their creations. During those restless weeks of searching for things to do, and going stir-crazy at home, activities like this had seemed like a god-send.

Home-made pizza was definitely more effort than spaghetti night, but Olivia liked that the extra tasks meant Noah was a bit more engrossed in the process. It was an activity that they could share together, and a time during which he seemed to open up and talk to her more about his day and whatever was going on in his life.

The pizzas also required some planning in advance, in terms of prepping the dough the night before and then leaving it to rise, covered in steel bowls in the fridge overnight. As she closed the refrigerator on Tuesday night, her mind slipped back to Rafael. It warmed her to think of the time they had spent together that past weekend. She had mentioned to him that he was welcome to visit, and so she decided to text him an invitation to join herself and Noah for pizza the following night.

‘Hi Rafa, in case you are free tomorrow, you’re welcome to join Noah and I for our do-it-yourself pizza night. Fair warning, it can get a little unprofessional and downright messy.’

She wiped down the scattered flour from her dough-making which remained on the countertop as she awaited his reply.

A few moments later, her phone lit up

‘Unprofessional and messy-sounds a lot like the NYPD I remember.’

‘Kidding- that sounds like fun. Can I bring anything?’

Olivia advised him to simply bring himself. She intruded on Noah’s homework just for long enough to let him know they would have a guest tomorrow, which as she had expected, made him smile.

As she began to get ready for bed, showering and changing into pyjamas, she was a little preoccupied with the line she was walking with involving Rafael in Noah’s life. She took some reassurance from the knowledge that she trusted Rafael to be a constant and positive presence in her son’s life no matter what.

The next evening, Rafael arrived exactly on time, with a bottle of Cabernet in hand.

‘You shouldn’t have,’ she told him, as he came in and divested himself of his heavy winter coat, hanging it up on the coat rack.

‘It wasn't any trouble,’ he said. He looked around the house with fond recognition and she realised that for a time he might have thought that he would never be inside the apartment again. She was glad, for both of them, that things hadn't turned out that way.

She couldn’t help looking at him a little bit differently, too, now that they were almost, sort-of, dating. He was dressed casually, in a red and blue checked flannel shirt and jeans. In the past, he had been more likely to visit the apartment on his way home from the office, still in some configuration of his work attire. The flannel seemed more tactile and approachable than his fancy suits. She found herself thinking about how it would feel to run her hands over the soft fabric.

‘Were you working on the house today?’ she asked him, as she ushered him further inside.

He shook his head ‘No, just a work from home day, catching up on a few files,’ he said. ‘The place smells great, by the way.’

‘Noah’s working on the sauce already,’ she told him, as they reached in the kitchen, where Noah was stirring a pot of tomato sauce. The air was fragrant with the smell of tomatoes and basil.

‘Hi Uncle Rafa,’ said Noah with a grin, before turning back to his careful stirring, adding a few leaves of basil to the large pot.

‘I have to say, Bensons, you are really impressing me with this pizza from scratch business. I have never ventured beyond the pizza takeout menu, myself.’

‘We first tried it out during covid.’ Olivia explained.

Rafael nodded in understanding. ‘I went through more of a bread phase myself.’

‘I think the sauce is ready now, Mom, I can turn off the heat,’ said Noah, flicking the switch.

Olivia nodded. ‘We can get some toppings ready, then. We have a bunch in the fridge. Any special requests?’

Rafael rolled up his sleeves. ‘Hey, I’m not just here to sit back and watch. You let me know what needs to be done, and I’ll do it.’ He went over to the fridge and opened it to survey the supplies.

Olivia shrugged. ‘Well, mushrooms are a must, anyway’

Rafael smiled and nodded. He moved to take the mushrooms out of the fridge.

The three of them fell into a certain sort of rhythm, with Rafael working to prepare an array of small bowls filled with extra toppings. As well as the essential mushrooms, they had olives, chorizo, jalapenos and sliced peppers. Noah was absorbed in preparing a large bowl of grated low moisture mozzarella for sprinkling.

Olivia floured a section of the countertop to stretch out the bases from the dough she had prepared the night before.

‘Who’s looking after Bruno tonight?’ asked Noah.

‘My mom,’ said Rafael. ‘She’s going to stay the night. She really spoils him too.’

Olivia considered how much Rafael himself let his dog take over the sofa and probably the rest of his house too, but decided not to mention it. She was cautious over how familiar she wanted to be with him in front of Noah.

‘Once you learn how to make these pizzas, maybe you can make them for your Mom,’ suggested Noah.

Rafael tilted his head. ‘Maybe. Typically my Mom is the head chef when we eat together. I don’t know if she trusts my cooking.’

‘I’d say she’s taught you more than a thing or two, already,’ said Olivia.

‘Thank you,’ said Rafael with a grin. He took a step forward, looked at her more closely and then broke into a laugh.

‘What is it?’ asked Olivia. ‘Have I got something on my face?’

Noah turned towards her and laughed.

‘Mom, you’ve got flour all over your face.’

‘Thanks a lot,’ said Olivia, pretending to be more annoyed at his laughter than she really was.

‘It’s not all over,’ said Rafael fondly, taking a step forward, and reaching out to touch her cheek. She leaned forward. He stopped himself just before he made contact.

‘Second thoughts, let me just get you a cloth,’ he said, drawing back. He went to the sink to dampen a kitchen towel, and Olivia looked down to hide her blush. Were things already weird between them? She couldn’t remember a time before when Rafael had been reluctant to touch her. He was always on hand with a reassuring hug or a pat on her arm throughout their friendship. His warmth and the ease of his affection was one of the things she had missed the most about their friendship, once he was gone.

Still, she had to acknowledged that things had changed a bit between them, since he had openly admitted his feelings for her. It went to reason that every touch would hold a new meaning now, going forward.

He handed her the towel and she nodded both in thanks and to reassure him that she understood the awkwardness, and that things were okay.

The pizzas came together in little time, and Olivia considered that they had outdone themselves in terms of the results. The bases were both crispy on the inside and airy and chewy on the inside, and they had the ratio of sauce to cheese pretty much down to perfection at this point.

‘This must be the best pizza I have ever tasted,’ said Rafael, going back for another slice. Noah glowed under his praise.

Olivia sipped her wine contentedly.

‘I think you might be flattering us,’ she remarked.

‘Well, I’m trying to ingratiate myself in the hopes I get invited back to this restaurant,’ said Rafael.

‘He’s welcome back any time, isn’t he, Mom?’ asked Noah.

‘Yes, of course you are,’ said Olivia, looking at him warmly. ‘We can always do with another chef around here.’

After dinner, everyone pitched in on cleaning the dishes, and then Noah’s phone rang.

‘That’s Conor, he wants to tell me about his new computer game.’ Noah looked to his Mom to confirm it was okay to leave the rest of the clean-up to them. She nodded and he left for his room.

As Noah’s door shut, Rafael finished drying the cutlery with a towel. Olivia leaned back against the counter, taking a sip from the last of her wine.

Rafael returned the towel to the rack and approached her. He reached out and held her chin in his hand, stroking her cheek very gently with his thumb.

‘You missed a bit earlier,’ he said with a smirk.

‘So, that was what you wanted to do earlier,’ smiled Olivia. She leaned into his touch. Things were still so new between them that every little moment of contact felt like a spark of electricity.

‘No, this was what I wanted to do earlier,’ said Rafael, and then he leaned in and kissed her. The kiss was gentle at first, then more insistent. She could taste the tomato and basil of the sauce, and the remnants of the wine they had shared at dinner. His hand moved into her hair, and she found herself pressed against the counter as his chest pushed against her body. Instinctively, her hands went around his back, feeling the broadness of his shoulders and the solidness of his form. She felt herself getting breathless, and not just because of the kissing. She couldn’t ignore the deeper feeling of a rapidly rising heat between them.

After only a minute, Rafael drew back, pressing a last gentle kiss to her lips, and still holding her waist gently.

She could see a tender warmth shining in his eyes.

‘I hope that was okay,’ he said to her softly.

‘It was very okay.’ She replied, taking a piece of the hem of his shirt in her hand and rolling it in her fingers playfully. He looked down at her hand and smiled.

Then he brought his hand to her face again, and stroked her jaw with his finger, giving her a beseeching look.

‘I haven’t forgotten about the date.’ He told her. ‘How’s this weekend?’

‘Noah has a sleepover for his friend’s birthday Saturday, if that works?’ asked Olivia. She was feeling some nerves in her stomach already at the thought of having more time alone with him on Saturday.

‘That definitely works,’ said Rafael. He took a step back, picking up his own glass off the counter, and sipping the last of his wine. She felt the loss of closeness as he stepped away, but also relief at a moment to gather herself.

‘I should go, so you can start the wind down for the night,’ he said. ‘Can you tell Noah goodbye for me?’

Olivia smiled. ‘If he ever gets off the phone,’ she sighed.

As Rafael began to make his way to the coat rack, she found herself thinking she would truly feel his absence after he left. It had been nice having him there, in her space. Before he left, he took her hand in his, and kissed her warmly on the cheek, lingering in her space afterwards, as if he was drawn to her by some magnetic force.

‘So, see you this weekend?’ he asked, pulling back to look at her.

She felt her breath catch at the naked want that was so obvious in his voice.

‘See you then,’ she agreed, pulling him in for a quick embrace, before she released him and he took his leave for the night.

Chapter Text

Rafael had put a lot of thought into their first official date. He knew that Olivia liked Italian food, and so he had carefully selected an old-world Italian restaurant in the Lower East Side for his reservation. He had also made a note of a good Spanish wine bar nearby to which they could easily walk together afterwards, to listen to some live guitar music, if, as he hoped would happen, the evening went well.

During the rest of the week, at odd moments, he had found himself thinking about the kiss which they had shared in her kitchen. It had happened when when he was standing in line for a takeaway coffee and then again when he was unpleasantly crammed into a packed subway carriage. It was like a moment’s disassociation, where the world outside faded away, and then all at once he was back in that warm kitchen, stepping right into her personal space and feeling joyfully welcome to be there.

He could remember the scent of her perfume, warm amber and spiced pear, the silky feeling of her hair running through his fingers, and the impossible softness of her lips. It was difficult to believe that this was currently his life. That it was in fact the case that at this point in time he was permitted to be that close to Olivia Benson, and not only that, but for some reason, she actually seemed to want him there.

It wasn’t that Rafael hadn’t dated before, or had relationships, and yet somehow, finally, as a man well into his fifties, he was feeling something entirely new.

Before, when he had admired Olivia from his position as a trusted confidant, he had felt what it was to want to be more to her. It wasn’t his first time feeling like that about somebody. He’d had some fairly overpowering crushes at school and college, and if anything there were times when he could now admit he had fallen in love too soon with his idea of who he hoped somebody was.

Now, however, his world had shifted on its axis, because he had found out that everything he had been feeling didn’t only exist in his head. There was some part of the closeness between them which he had at times in past thought only he had imagined, that she had been imagining too. The idea that they could be together had been a sweet dream in more hopeful times, when she seemed to be letting him in to her life more, and asking for his opinion about important aspects of her life, like Noah’s upbringing. However later, during their estrangement, the memory he had ever had that daydream had served as a cruel reminder of just how wrong, or perhaps even delusional, he had been to ever believe that they had shared something that special.

And now, Olivia was back in his life again. If he saw a newspaper article he thought she might enjoy online, he could just text her and send her a link to it. There had been so many times before when he had seen something and thought of her and then remembered that his contact would not be welcome. But now, that was over. Now, he could check in with her if he knew she was working on a tough case, or if she had any lingering concern about how Noah was doing at school. He could be himself with her, and more than that, he was beginning to accept that she wanted him to do that, that it wasn’t too much. It was okay for him to reach out, because she had been thinking about him and missing him just as he had been missing her. Now, she was reaching out to him too.

All that time ago, during that wretched talk in Forlini’s when she had finally told him she missed him too, it had cut through him like a knife. Mostly because he didn’t believe that she really cared- because if she had, how could she possibly so wilfully misunderstand him?

Of all the uncertain things in his life that had turned out to be true, the fact that she had missed him as much as he missed her had ended up being the thing that mattered the most. It had been the one thing to finally bring them back together.

Getting ready for their date on Saturday night, he opted for a crisp shirt in a pearl grey and a navy blazer. He looked at himself in the mirror and all at once he saw every line on his face in great detail. Usually, he was rushing through getting ready and barely spared himself a glance. But tonight, he looked at himself and saw that he was, as expected, a little more battle-worn than he had been. He’d had his hair cut that morning, which made it appear a little darker than it had, but still, there was a lot of grey sprinkled in these days. The barber had trimmed his beard and the overall effect was sharp. He looked, he reassured himself, as well turned out as was possible.

He had, as Olivia might have guessed, never lacked any confidence that people found him attractive. He had not been without options, either male or female, over the years, for companionship.

When he had been concerned in the past that he was not Olivia’s type, it wasn’t really, or at least wasn’t primarily in terms of looks that he had been thinking. He knew that Olivia had dated more other cops, like herself. He had seen her as more drawn to men of the strong and silent type. With a smile, he would have to admit to himself that silence had never been his forte. She had also dated men who would not be averse to settling a fight with their fists. For Rafael, that was the way his father settled arguments. From the time he had grown up, with a father less likely to defend him than to launch an attack against him, his words had been his only defence. Thus, he had learned to wield them well. He couldn’t make apologies now for the man that he had become as a result. He didn't even want to. He just hadn’t realised that Olivia could have both seen him as that man, and still wanted him, as he was.

He had texted Olivia that afternoon, and offered to pick her up in a cab for the date. It seemed like a first date thing to do. However, she had scoffed at the idea of his crossing town, when she could so easily meet him at the restaurant. He liked how easy these sorts of exchanges were between them. He wanted to be sure she knew he wasn’t taking her for granted because of their familiarity, but in fact the way he knew her so well, and vice versa, was one of the things he loved the most about spending time with her. They could both hear some guy in a crowded cafe hold forth with an arrogant, sexist rant, and exchange a look between them, and he knew they were thinking the exact same thing. There were a lot of times when they didn’t need words at all. That acknowledged, he was still so very glad that they could really talk again, too.

He arrived at the restaurant early, and was relieved that they had given him exactly the table he had wanted, near the back wall. The restaurant was candlelit and intimate, with soft music, and it felt exactly how he had wanted their first night out as a prospective couple to feel.

He went ahead and ordered a glass of wine, which he could admit to himself was mostly to steady his nerves. He had only taken one sip, though, when Olivia appeared at the door.

She didn’t see him straight away, and she smiled at the hostess as she gave her winter coat over to be hung on the rack behind the desk. Underneath her coat she was wearing a form-fitting burgundy dress with a scooped neckline and small capped sleeves. She laughed at something the hostess said, and her radiant smile, the natural ease of her beauty still managed to render him breathless. Then, she looked down the restaurant and saw him at the table, and the thumping of his heart let him know that he was well and truly in for it.

He rose to his feet, as she approached the table. He kissed her cheek and pulled her close enough to inhale her scent for just a moment, as they said hello. He took a deep breath to steady himself as he pulled out her chair.

She thanked him quite demurely before taking her seat.

‘Nice place you picked, Rafa,’ she said with a smile, looking around. The light from the candles was reflecting in her eyes in a way he found utterly captivating.

‘Glad you like it,’ he said. ‘I thought I couldn’t go wrong with Italian.’

She nodded in agreement. ‘I do love Italian food. It’s somewhere I wish I had taken the time to travel to, actually. I learned to speak a little Italian in college.’

‘You’ve never been?’ asked Rafael, in surprise.

‘No, even though I always meant to go. There are a few places in Europe I would like to visit, but with work there just never seems to be enough time.’

Rafael nodded. ‘I remember that feeling, from back when I was in the D.A.’s office.’

‘You still made time for travel, though, from what I remember?’ Olivia wore a gently teasing smile. ‘Didn’t you have some friend with a yacht, for example?’

She remembered that? Rafael smiled. ‘Well, I can’t deny it, I did manage to fit in the occasional vacation. Then again, I didn’t have your responsibilities, either.’

Olivia nodded. ‘Yeah, I guess when Noah was young, longer flights seemed like a bad idea. He’s at a much better age now though.’

Rafael nodded, an idea already blooming in his mind that perhaps the three of them could travel somewhere together, maybe even Italy. However, the last thing he wanted was to rush ahead or make her feel pressured. He had waited too long to get here, to not let things unfold and just enjoy the process now he was the man at the table beside her.

‘Now Noah is growing up, I bet you two will have some travelling to look forward to together,’ he said.

At that moment, their waitress arrived and took their orders. They both opted for the cannelloni, and he asked Olivia to choose a wine that they could share.

‘I have to admit, I was a little nervous tonight, getting ready,’ said Olivia, after their waitress had departed. ‘It’s been a while since I was on an actual date.’

Rafael shook his head. ‘No, I’m the same. Well, unless you count an occasional ill-fated brunch with one of Carisi’s cousins.’

Olivia placed down the water glass she had been sipping from. ‘No. He sicced you with the cousins too?’

Rafael laughed outright. ‘I suppose it’s some comfort to know I wasn’t the only one.’

Olivia smirked and raised an eyebrow. ‘Don’t feel too good, I wasn’t enough of a sucker to actually go out with one of them.’

Rafael sighed. ‘He’s very hard to say no to, unfortunately.’

‘Not for me, but then with work, I probably get more practice in.’

'Clearly, I should have put up more of a fight.'

'Just think, if things had worked out, you could have been cousins-in-law with Carisi.'

‘The mind boggles.' Rafael took a sip of his wine, trying not to think about exactly how lonely he must have been to have said yes to meeting said cousins. 'How many cousins do you think he has, exactly?’

Olivia stopped to think, as the waitress reappeared to have her sample the wine. She tried a sip and nodded appreciatively, and then her glass was filled.

‘I think Carisi has an infinite amount of cousins,’ she told him, after reflection.

‘Should we toast to that?’ asked Rafael, as he raised his glass.

‘Sure, let’s.’ said Olivia, matching his silly mood. ‘To Carisi’s endless supply of cousins, may they all find love, just not with me.’

‘Hear, hear,’ said Rafael, clinking her glass, and then they both took a sip of the wine, laughing.

The rest of the meal was passed in companionable conversation.

‘It must be nice for you to have more freedom with what you do with your time these days,’ said Olivia as they finished their main courses. ‘Do you find yourself travelling more?’

‘Maybe a little,’ said Rafael. ‘I am lucky because Mami is happy to look after Bruno, and then if I travel with her there is also a good dog sitter in my area. But then, to be honest, I find myself enjoying being at home in a way I hadn’t before since I got the house.’

‘You do have a pretty great place,’ nodded Olivia. ‘I can see you wanting to spend more time there.’

‘It’s nice to have somewhere my mother can stay over too,’ said Rafael.

‘You two have such a tight relationship,’ commented Olivia. ‘It must be nice.’

‘I think maybe because she was very young when she had me, in some respects we almost grew up together. My childhood wasn’t an easy time for her, because my father was such a difficult man.’ He could feel his eyes darken at the memory.

‘You got each other through that,’ said Olivia, and he could tell she was remembering when he had told her before that his father was a bully. There was a lot more he could have said, but he didn’t need to. He knew she understood.

‘I suppose we did,’ Rafael nodded. ‘She’s always been a rock to me. I know it must seem a little strange to some people, how close we are.’

Olivia shook her head. ‘Not to me,’ she said.

‘There have been some times not so long ago when I began to suspect that I was so difficult it was only my mother who was prepared to put up with me for any length of time.’ Rafael admitted, looking down.

Olivia reached across the table to where his hand rested by his plate, and stroked his hand gently. ‘You couldn’t really believe that.’

Rafael looked up at her, his eyes solemn. ‘I have no wish to revisit the past, but I can at least admit that I have at times had a particularly pig-headed approach to some matters, which has not served me well in terms of maintaining relationships.’

Olivia smiled in recognition. ‘Well, I understand what you mean, but you’re also not alone. I also have a tendency to dig my heels in when things get tough in a relationship, rather than look for a working solution.’

Rafael nodded. ‘It did occur to me eventually that some traits that served me well in my work- in my case my doggedness in the court room, for example, that had the potential when replicated in my personal life to not yield quite the same level of success.’

‘I actually talked about something along those lines in therapy,’ admitted Olivia. ‘Dr Lindstrom said those issues are not uncommon for people working in high stress jobs, especially long term.’

‘If only they put it in the disclaimer when you signed your original contract,’ said Rafael.

‘I know, right?’ said Olivia with a sigh. She looked at their empty plates. ‘Not to change the topic, but are we thinking dessert here, or do I recall you mentioning something about music after this?’

Rafael smiled. ‘First of all, dessert is a definite yes, because I don't know about you, but I have to try the tiramisu here. And second, I do have a second venue in mind for post dinner drinks and some guitar music, provided you have not yet grown tired of my company.’

‘I think you already have a pretty good idea that I haven’t,’ said Olivia with a gently reproving smile, before opening up her dessert menu.

Chapter Text

In the end, they had stayed out late.

The wine bar had some wonderful guitar music, and they had lingered in a small booth to listen. Olivia had been the one to suggest he sit beside her for a better view. It was a bit of a tight squeeze, but by that point they were each sufficiently uninhibited by the wine so as not allow any uncertainty about the sharing of their personal space.

In fact, she had thought, as he drew closer to her when a large group pushed by their table, the proximity was actually quite pleasant. The bar was warm, and he had taken off his blazer and rolled up his shirt sleeves, so that now, as they sat so close together, the bare skin on their arms just touched any time she reached for her glass on the table. She found herself looking at his hands, too, noticing how attractive they were and how much they looked like the hands of a musician. It wasn’t a long step from there to thinking about what it would be like to have them running all over her body.

As he leaned into speak to her, mentioning something about the composer of the music they were listening to, she could feel the warmth of his breath on the side of her face. Occasionally the edge of his beard would softly graze the side of her face, and that triggered something in her body that made the hairs on her arm stand on end. He stretched his left arm across the back of the booth behind her and as the evening wore on, his body became more moulded into her side. It was like they were in their own bubble, with the rest of the bar in soft focus around them, a barely noticeable background to this world that just contained the two of them.

It was after 2 am when the music had finished and they had put on their coats and ventured back outside into the cold night.

‘Would you like to share a cab?’ Rafael asked.

Olivia smiled ‘We’re in totally different directions. I would invite you up…’ She looked at him and bit her lip. Part of her wanted him to come back to her place with her, already. Her resolve to take things slow was wavering. It would be nice if he did, she had a feeling.

‘I know you have Noah coming back to you in the morning,’ said Rafael, shaking his head. ‘I don't want to make anything awkward for you. Besides,’ he took both her hands in his. ‘We talked about this already. There’s no rush on anything, and I want you to be sure. I’m just hoping we get to spend more time like this together.’

She felt herself exhale a breath she didn’t realise she had been holding.

‘I’d like that, too.’

At that moment, he saw a cab passing nearby and flagged it down. ‘We’re in luck,’ he said. ‘You take this one.’

He pulled her in close and gave her a deliberate kiss, soft and firm. He gave her a long look that conveyed the depth of his care for her, and she blushed from the intensity of his gaze.

‘Thanks again for dinner, Rafa,’ she said, and rubbed his arm through the soft sleeve of his wool coat in affection, before getting into the cab.

‘Anytime,’ he said, with a grin, before waving her off.

Olivia woke up the next day feeling well-rested, but also, something else.

The feeling had been absent for so long that it took her a while to place it. It was there in a thrum in her veins, a sense of not-quite-defined anticipation, and an alteration in her senses so the world seemed a little bit brighter and louder than it had before.

It was the feeling of liking someone, she realised, and it was something she had come to fear she had left behind for good, with the way her life had been going the last few years.

She made herself coffee and toast in the morning and she turned on some music, rather than the news. She found herself just enjoying the moment, humming along to the tune that was playing. She wasn’t worried about when Noah would come home, or what she needed to catch up on before work the next day.

She checked her phone, and there was a message from Rafael, telling her how much he enjoyed the date and wishing her and Noah a pleasant Sunday. He’d included a picture of Bruno on his lead, looking ready to race ahead through Prospect Park. She smiled, and liked that he was including her in something so every day. She knew there was a time when rafaelw ould stop at little to impress her. For this to really work between them, she was hoping they had now pushed past that, and that he would feel secure enough to just be himself around her.

Maybe next weekend, she could join him in the park, she considered. As nice as it was to spend time together, it was also nice to have moments of missing him too. It was quite something to realise that she already felt like that when they were apart, that she felt the loss of his company.

She’d fallen in love a few times in her life, starting in her twenties, when it had all been a rush, followed by a crash, a mess and a long recovery. But feeling these things now, once again, she didn’t want to rush through, she wanted to savour it. She was mature enough to know how rare it was to get to feel this way in the course of a lifetime.

And it was love, she couldn’t deny that. She wasn’t ready to say it out loud, and she didn’t have Rafael’s courage when it came to baring her soul, but there was a rightness she felt about them, when tehy were together, that was different to anything she had ever really felt before.

Her phone pinged, and this time it was a message from Amanda, asking how their date had gone.

She kept her reply intentionally vague, and just replied “It was nice.” SHe had been finding Amanda's nosiness tiresome. She felt a bit protective of this fledgeling relationship, and part of her wanted to keep it to herself and give it time t put down roots.

Her phone started ringing soon after and she rolled her eyes before picking up. It was hard to say whether Carisi or Amanda was the more annoying gossip. Maybe it was a tie, actually.

‘Hi Amanda,’ she said casually, topping up her coffee from the pot. ‘Everything okay?’

‘Don’t you “Hi Amanda” me,’ sputtered Amanda. ‘What do you mean it was nice? Was it terrible? Come on, tell me, you can be honest? Too much build up, and then no spark? Believe me, I understand, I have been there.’

Olivia laughed. ‘No, when I said it was nice, I meant that it was in fact nice. It was better than nice. We had a great time.’

‘Oh. Wait, is he still there now? Should I hang up?’

‘No, he’s not, we are taking things slow. But thanks for prying.’

‘You can always count on me for that.’ It sounded like Amanda was chewing on something.

‘Are you eating?’

‘Hey, I eat when I can, so sue me. It’s been crazy over here. I got Carisi to take the kids to the park for an hours so I could hear myself think.’

‘And you chose to spend that precious hour calling me?’

‘Guilty as charged. I just wanted all the details. So, it was fun, then you had a good time?’ She could hear the smile in Amanda’s voice.

‘Yeah, it was great. We went to dinner, and then to listen to some live guitar music afterwards.’

‘I do have a vague memory of what it was once like to have a life,’ said Amanda with a sigh.

‘Seems to me like you have a pretty great life right now.’

‘I know, I’m lucky, I can’t complain really. So, I know you’re taking it slow, but did you kiss, at least?’

‘Amanda, what is this, high school?’

‘You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want. I’ll just stick to cleaning off all this nondescript sticky substance that seems to have dripped all over the marble countertop. What is it, jelly maybe?’ Olivia heard a scraping noise in the background.

‘If that’s marble, don’t scratch it Amanda, leave it to someone who knows what they are doing- probably Carisi on this occasion’

‘Ouch,’ said Amanda, and she heard the scratching implement, possibly a knife, being placed down.

‘Yes we kissed. I mean, we kissed the other night when he came over, but we also kissed last night.’

Amanda gasped. ‘So you two have just been kissing all over the place, and you didn’t even think to tell me?’

‘Yes, because of how it’s none of your business.’

‘Liv, I am so sorry for wanting you to be happy. Please accept my humble apology.’

Olivia sighed. ‘You’re forgiven.’

‘Okay, so just tell me one more thing. Is Barba a good kisser?’

Olivia groaned. ‘Amanda, I am hanging up now.’

‘I just always wondered okay. It’s not like I’m not happy with Carisi. By the way, he’s a really good kisser. There’s this one thing he does with his tongue that just…’

‘Amanda, I’m gonna have to stop you right there. I still have to face Carisi in work next week. I just can’t view him as some kind of piece of meat, I’m sorry.’

‘Well, if you’re not going to be any fun, I guess I should let you go. Maybe I can still fit a bubble bath in before the kids get home. Although, to use the bath I have to clean off the crayon all over the side of it first…’

‘Sounds like your work is cut out for you,’ commented Olivia. ‘I better let you go.’

‘We should catch up soon, maybe coffee?’ asked Amanda

‘Absolutely, I’ll text you towards the end of the week.’

‘Noah can stay over here for movie night too sometime, you know, if you guys need the night to yourselves. I’m just saying.’

‘I do appreciate that, thank you.’

‘No problem.’

‘I’ll talk to you soon’ said Olivia. ‘Oh and I almost forgot to say…’

‘What?’ asked Amanda, sounding distracted, as if surveying some other area of damage around the home.

‘Rafa is an incredible kisser, like eleven out of ten, out of this world, change your life, amazing. Just so you know. See ya.’ And then she hung up.

Chapter Text

Rafael was laying a dust sheet over the floor of the second floor front bedroom, when he heard his cell phone ringing on the landing. He hurried out to grab it, smiling when he recognised the name calling.

‘Hey there, Liv,’ he said, leaning back against the bannister.

‘Rafa hi, is this an okay time?’ He could hear the sounds of the station behind her.

‘I always want to hear from you.’ He said.

‘You might not still be saying that when you hear what this is about.’

‘Try me,’ said Rafael.

‘Carisi has a father of a victim who’s being brought up on vandalism charges. It was a retaliation against his daughter’s assault. He’d called in a favour it get this defence attorney, Quinn to cover the arraignment hearing, but Quinn’s wife just went into labour two weeks early…’

‘I think I can see where this is going,’ said Rafael with a wry grin.

‘You’d be doing me a real favour,’ said Olivia in her most persuasive tone.

‘Well, when you put it that way.’

‘Am I taking you away from anything important?’ she asked.

He looked regretfully at the door of the bedroom.

‘I’d been hoping to finish up some painting around the house this week, because they need me in the office next Monday,’ he admitted, with a sigh. He already knew he was going to grant her request. He found it almost impossible to say no to this woman.

‘Okay, well how’s this…’ He heard the sounds of the station dim, and surmised that she had stepped into her office.

‘If you can do us this favour, then I’ll come over Friday night to your place, and I can help you paint. With the two of us there, it’ll get done just as soon as if you started now. Noah’s been asking to spend the weekend with Conor for some festival they are holding in his town, so it’ll all work out perfectly.’

‘You really want to spend the whole weekend painting with me?’ Rafael asked sceptically.

‘I really do,’ said Olivia. ‘I actually find painting therapeutic, believe it or not.’

‘Oh, so you mean to say I’d actually be doing you a favour?’ asked Rafael.

‘Let’s not get carried away,’ said Olivia. ‘But I am definitely happy to help’

‘Then so am I’ said Rafael. ‘What time do you need me at the station?’

The week had flown by for Olivia, and work had been absolutely hectic. She had caught a glimpse of Rafael in the office whilst he worked with for the father of her victim. It was a jolt to see him in a suit again, looking every bit as debonair as she remembered. He negotiated a good plea deal for the man, too, which she knew would prove some comfort to her victim’s family at a difficult time.

Conor’s mother had offered to pick Noah up from school on her way back from an appointment in the city on Friday.

Impulsively, she decided to book a half day from work so that she could hopefully arrive to Rafael’s a bit earlier than planned.

She texted Rafael to let him know as she made her way home to change into some painting appropriate clothes. She opted for an old, worn pair of jeans, which were none the less a pretty nice fit, and an old Siena College sweatshirt that already had an accumulation of paint marks from her previous painting touch ups around the apartment. She pulled her hair into a casual ponytail and refreshed her makeup, keeping it minimal enough. As much as their dressy date last weekend had been fun, it was also nice that they could be casual with each other, too.

She packed a few things for the weekend in a duffel bag, leaving to hop on a subway bound for Brooklyn.

Soon, she was knocking on the brass knocker of Rafael’s door. When it opened, and she saw him standing there in paint spattered cargo pants and an equally spattered long sleeved tee shirt, smiling. Her stomach flipped. This was better than the suit, she decided, because she was one of the few people who got to see him like this, not dressed up and not putting on any façade, nor wearing any armour.

‘Hey, nice outfit,’ she said, with a smirk.

‘I do try,’ he grinned. ‘Please come on in. I was surprised you were able to get away so early.’

‘I think the guys were surprised to see me leave too,’ admitted Olivia, crossing the threshold. ‘But really, I need to take a step back a bit more often around there. I have a capable team. I need to let them step up.’

‘You won’t hear any arguments from me,’ said Rafael, leaning in to press a slow kiss to her cheek, then reaching to unburden her of her bag.

‘Can I get you some tea or coffee?’ he asked.

‘Tea would be great,’ she accepted. ‘But don’t feel like you need to go easy on me after that. I am ready to be put to work.’

Rafael raised an eyebrow as he led her into the kitchen.

‘You know, I don’t really expect you to paint. We can just hang out. I promise you, I will be just as happy.’ He switched on his tea kettle.

She smiled. ‘I appreciate that. But I know I derailed your plans for the week earlier. Andd also, I am happy to help you paint, seriously.’

‘And you love to paint, apparently,’ said Rafael in a dubious tone.

‘Are you doubting my honesty?’ asked Olivia.

‘I just never had you down as the home improvement type.’

‘When you live alone as long as I have, you kind of have to be.’

‘I hear that,’ said Rafael. ‘I suppose I kind of fell into all of this myself too.’

Olivia noticed a sheet of paper on the counter which had been brushed with a few hand-painted paint swatches.

‘Are these your colours?’ she asked, dragging the paper across the counter to better examine it.

‘Those are the shades I was choosing from originally. I like to paint a sheet like that so I can pin in to different walls and see how the light hits it.’ He set a mug of steaming hot tea in front of her, and came to her side so they could look at the colours together. It felt so domestic, she thought, to be here with him on a Friday evening, talking over paint samples together. Like something a married couple might do on the weekend.

‘Which one would you pick?’ he asked her.

She considered. ‘I like them all,’ she said honestly. ‘But this one is my favourite,’ she pointed to a blue grey with just a hint of green in it.

Rafael’s face broke into a smile. She had missed that smile. ‘That’s the one I picked,’ said Rafael.

‘Nice taste,’ she said, with a smile.

‘I already made a start on the back wall, so I can show you when you’re ready,’ he told her, and she could tell he was trying to restrain his eagerness.

‘Why don’t I just take this upstairs,’ she gestured to her mug. ‘That way you can talk me through the big plan.'

Rafael nodded, and she could see he was enjoying the experience of having her there as a work companion. She could understand, as she too had done more of her share of home decorating tasks alone. She knew the monotony all too well.

Upstairs, the front bedroom was very well-prepared, with all the floors well covered and painter’s tape framing the doors and windows. There were rollers, trays, brushes and rags all laid out neatly on a fold-out table, ready for them to get started. She could see the back wall he had done by himself, and the blue-grey colour was somehow both moody and soothing.

‘It looks great already,’ she told him, with no need to lie.

He poured out some paint, tipping the can so it oozed thickly into a roller tray. As he dipped the roller in and began to roll out the paint to a tacky consistency, she placed down her empty mug and came up behind him. It was easy to see he was a well-practiced painter from the sureness of his gestures. She then spied a radio on the window sill and went to turn it on. There was a Sinatra song playing on whatever station he had on. She recognised it as ‘You’d be so nice to come home to,’ and turned it up. He looked across at her with a grin.

‘You ready to be put to work?’ he asked her.

‘You bet,’ she said gamely, approaching the table and grabbing a roller. Rafael started by edging in the first wall with a slanted brush, and Olivia worked after him, filling in the larger areas with the roller. They listened to the radio station cycle through a series of Rat Pack standards as they painted. As Olivia had remembered, there was still something relaxing about the repetitive nature of the work. Before long, the stress of the week had faded away from her memory, and she was caught up in the flow of the task at hand. It was hard work, and towards the completion of the first coat, both of them were stretching out the kinks in their backs from so long spent standing.

‘This is really more of a young man’s game, isn’t it?’ asked Olivia as she stretched out her shoulder and heard a fairly loud crack.

‘Hey, speak for yourself,’ said Rafael. ‘I still consider myself to be in my prime,’ The grimace he made as he rubbed his lower back dared to contradict him.

Olivia cocked her head. ‘I guess you are still pretty young,’ she said, looking at him with a smirk.

‘What’s that look for?’ he asked, coming closer.

‘I was just thinking maybe your youth explains how you managed to get so much paint all over your face.’ It was true that Rafael had a tendency to touch his face when he worked, which had caused him to end up with several streaks of paint on his cheeks and one along the side of his nose.

‘No, really?’ asked Rafael, stepping closer to her. He looked at her face intently. ‘Wait, you’ve got some too,’ he reached forward.

‘No I don’t,’ said Olivia indignantly, having been very careful to avoid running what little makeup she had on.

He reached out and smeared her cheek with a streak of paint from his paint-dipped right hand.

‘I cannot believe you just did that,’ she said to him.

He held her gaze for a moment, looking a little bit nervous, but then he broke into a grin.

‘I couldn’t help it, you were so smug.’

Olivia looked down at her paint spattered clothes. ‘I guess I needed a shower, anyway.’

Rafael nodded. She looked at him again. ‘Oh, Rafa, you even got it in your hair- that’s going to be tough to get out.’ She lifted up a hand to cup the side of his head, noticing the way his face flushed at the contact. She couldn’t help but run her fingers through his hair just a little bit. She heard his breath catch, and then she leaned in and kissed him. There was something more urgent and purposeful about this kiss than the ones that they had shared before.

‘It’s nothing a shower won’t fix,’ Rafael said breathlessly, as their kissing became full-on making out.

She found her hands wandering underneath his shirt.

‘This is filthy, too, you should probably take it off,’ she said, yanking it over his head without much further explanation. She took a minute to drink in the sight of his bare, well defined chest. He was not overly muscular, but broad, and solid, and very inviting.

‘I’m not sure yours is much better,’ said Rafael. He gave her a questioning look and at her nod, he lifted the sweatshirt over her head and threw it on top of the dust-sheet covered floor.
Underneath the sweatshirt she only worse a fairly revealing camisole top, and she felt self-conscious for a moment, thinking about her scars.

The naked adoration in his eyes removed any doubt she might have been having.

‘You’re so beautiful Liv,’ he said, running his hands along her arms, before slipping them under her camisole top, With a little help from her, her raised it over her head, and she was now standing in front of him in only her bra. He paused, to look at her bashfully, momentarily silenced by his own good fortune.

‘Is this okay?’ he asked, as he ran his hands, still sticky with paint, along her sides. She shivered at his touch.

‘Yes,’ she replied, pulling him towards her for another kiss. She looked down as he deftly removed her bra. Next, he gently caressed her breasts, starting at the sides, leaving several fingerprints in paint which marked the first path his hands had ever taken all over her torso. Her nipples hardened in arousal.

‘You’re really leaving your mark here, Rafa,’ said with an affectionate grin.

‘You know, the most sensible thing might just be to take this to the shower?’ he suggested, pulling back to look her in the eye.

‘That does sound sensible,’ she agreed, with a sigh. He took her hand, and she let him lead her to the bathroom.

There was a large walk in shower to the right of the clawfoot tub, and upon entering, Rafael switched on the hot water from an overhead rainfall showerhead.

Olivia stook a little awkwardly waiting for him to return. When he was with her again, she felt more grounded as he held her upper arms in his hands firmly and kissed her again.

‘Let me help you out of these,’ he said, running his hands down her waist to the waistband of her jeans. She nodded, and he unbuttoned the jeans, unzipped the fly and kneeled before her, pulling them down, He leaned forward to trail kisses down her inner thighs as he went, and leaned back to leave her standing in just her everyday cotton panties in front of him.

He stared at her in awe, breathing deeply, his chest rising and falling.

She hadn’t planned for this to happen tonight, well really, they hadn’t planned for it, but for her, that was what was making this moment irresistible.

‘I’m starting to feel kind of underdressed by comparison,’ she said, nodding towards his own paint-stained pants. He made short work of ridding himself of them, and then returned to her, kissing her neck, tonguing her nipples, and starting to reach down to her underwear, his fingers slipping inside the waist.

He paused. ‘You know, this doesn’t need to happen tonight. I don’t want you to feel any pressure.’ He looked at her, his eyes still dark with desire, but his care for her, as always, winning out.

‘I don’t,’ she said softly. ‘I just really, really want to.’

‘Well, okay then,’ he said with a crooked grin’ ‘I guess meet me in the shower, when you’re ready.’ He divested himself of his boxer shorts, and she caught a glimpse of his arousal before he ventured into the steam, the water streaming over his hair, turning it a darker shade of grey.

She took just a moment for a deep breath, before rolling down her own underwear and stepping inside to join him.

Inside, Rafael slid his hands over her soaked skin. He squeezed a little shower gel into his hands, and the heady scent of lime and herbs filled the air.

‘Sorry I got all that paint on you earlier,’ he said. ‘Let me help you clean it off,’ he began to knead at her breasts with a sublime amount of gentleness, working up a slow, laborious lather and letting the warm water rinse her off.

‘You’re a lot worse than I am,’ she reminded him, taking some shower gel and beginning to scrub him down as well. She was sure to scrub out the patch of paint in his hair, and the small patches on his face, before her hands wandered instinctively lower. Soon, she was holding his girth in hand, stroking him softly, and enjoying the low, involuntary sounds he made as body responded.

He buried his head between her breasts, dragging the scruff of his beard across the sensitive skin, and then his own hand slid around her hips and between her thighs, teasing her.

‘I do have protection,’ he said, almost apologetically. ‘It’s in the bedroom, and I could…’

Olivia shook her head impatiently. ‘It’s been a while for me. And I’m clean. So if you are?’

He nodded wordlessly in response, his hand tracing her outer lips, and she could feel them already slipping on her wetness, which had mingled with the streaming water covering them both.

‘I want you, inside me, right now,’ she told him, backing herself up against the wall of the shower, and pulling him toward her. He gave her a look that ached of longing. He pressed himself against her, one hand leveraging the wall to hold her tightly to his chest as he pushed inside her, slowly at first, and then finding rhythm. He reached down to press on her clitoris at the same time, and of course, she thought, he seemed to know just the right spot and just the right pressure to bring her so close to the edge.

She could see in his eyes that he was holding back, not wanting to climax before her, and something about that feeling of total safety and love brought her all the way over into the waves of pleasure which had been there waiting for her, all this time. As her body contracted, she felt him spill himself into her and pitch forward, punch-drunk, his head nestled between her soaking wet breasts, rendered totally incoherent.

In truth, it was only when Olivia noticed her fingers becoming somewhat prune-like that it occurred to her they should probably leave the shower. With a tender shake of his shoulders, she roused him, and he went into action, procuring her a fluffy towel and matching robe, and shutting off the water.

‘Come to bed with me?’ he asked her, gesturing downstairs. She saw such raw vulnerability and love in his eyes that she could not possibly refuse.

Chapter Text

The next morning, Olivia woke up to the sound of a dog scratching at the bedroom door.

It took her a moment to remember that she was in Rafael’s bed, and then she looked down and saw his arm wrapped possessively around her waist. He was spooned up close behind her, and like her, he was not wearing much of anything. She could feel his arousal pressing against her backside, his chest against her back and the rise and fall of his regular, still asleep, breathing.

Bruno’s scratching continued, and then was accompanied by a pitiful whimper.

She felt Rafael stir behind her.

‘That damn dog,’ he said, his voice scratchy from having just woken up.

Smiling, she turned herself to face him. She took her chin in her hand, enjoying texture of the scruff of his beard.

‘Well, good morning to you too,’ she said, giving him a light kiss on the lips.

In return, he offered her a hopelessly lovestruck smile that just about melted her into the bed.

He shifted the sheet and he saw him subtly check her out underneath it for a moment, before returning his eyes to her face.

His right arm was still loosely around her under the sheet. He touched his fingers gingerly to the skin on her side and then more firmly ran it along her ribs, over her waist, around the curve of her hip, with a look of unadulterated reverence.

‘This is a hell of a way to wake up on a Saturday,' he remarked.

Olivia smiled. ‘I’ve had worse,’ she agreed.

‘I should give Bruno his breakfast,’ said Rafael, sitting up reluctantly. Olivia made a move to get up too.

He shook his head. ‘No, no, you stay here. Rest a little longer. I can bring you up coffee?’

He ran his hand along her arm, drew her wrist close to his mouth, and kissed the knuckles on her hand individually.

‘Rafa, it’s just me. You don’t need to romance me, or anything,’ she blushed a little bit beneath her smile.

He looked at her, his green eyes serious. ‘Hey, this is the first morning I have you in my bed. You’ve got to let me spoil you, just a little bit.’

She smirked. ‘What did you have in mind, breakfast in bed?’

He quirked his head. ‘Well, not quite, but it did involve eating.’ He raised an eyebrow suggestively.

Olivia laughed out loud.

‘Hold that thought,’ he said, pulling on a robe and trudging to the door. ‘Let me just take care of a few things downstairs.’

She heard Bruno’s happy bark to greet him, and the man and his dog taking the stairs down together.

Olivia lay her head back on the fluffy pillows.

She lifted the bedsheet gave her body a cursory glance, noticing her scars but not feeling as self-conscious about them, in the cold light of day, as she had expected. She didn't feel as uneasy in her skin as she had at times before, with other men, wondering whether they would notice, or comment, or say the wrong thing, or question her in some unintentionally triggering manner. In contrast, something about the way Rafael looked at her with such naked adoration made it impossible to continue to dwell too long on her own imperfections.

Emotionally, it was as if she had walked through a door, into a room she had never dared to enter, and now she was in a place totally different from anywhere she had been before. The way the low winter light streamed in the window felt new. The sounds of him in the kitchen below were somehow soothing and reassuring. She was in a new place, but a place that felt like coming home.

She had been in relationships before, during which she was always on edge, always waiting for the other shoe to drop. For example with Brian, she always had that worry over whether he could really commit, whether there was a future, or whether she would someday ask too much, or be too much, and frighten him away. And he was far from the only man over the years who had made her doubt herself.

Yet, she was here in Rafael’s bed, and they hadn’t been dating long at all, but she already felt so safe. She somehow knew instinctively that there was solid ground beneath them.

She had almost drifted back to sleep a bit longer in the bed, with its sumptuously smooth cotton sheets, when she heard the clink of a tray making its way carefully up the stairs.

Rafael appeared at the door with a tray of coffee and toast, looking unreasonably happy to find her still beneath his sheets.

‘I just brought up a little something, in case you were hungry,’ he said, setting the tray down above the covers. He climbed back into the bed, sitting with his back to the headboard, and then handed her some coffee. Olivia sat up a little, pulling the sheet up over her chest.

‘I’m feeling a little underdressed, compared to you,’ she remarked, flicking her eyes to his robe.

He smirked. ‘For you, Liv, I think forever naked is the way to go. Wearing clothes has been doing you a disservice all this time. It’s been holding you back in life.’ He pressed a kiss to her bare shoulder, before taking his own coffee cup.

‘Hmmm, I think this new lifestyle might cause me a few problems down at the Special Victims Unit,’ said Liv sceptically.

She tasted the coffee. It was rich and smooth.

‘Oh, I don’t think you should bother going back there at all,’ said Rafael, his tone teasing. ‘I need you here, instead, full-time.’

Olivia’s heart skipped a beat at the idea. She knew he was joking, and she knew it was too soon, but still she could imagine it, the two of them living together, and Noah, too.

‘Full-time, huh?’ she asked speculatively. ‘I’m not sure you could afford me. My rates have gone up over the years.’

‘Understandable,’ said Rafael. ‘You do have a pretty significant skill set.’ He gave her a knowing look.

Olivia nodded, smug.

‘Would you be willing to accept payment-in-kind?’ he asked, with a waggle of his eyebrows.

Olivia let out an almost girlish giggle, and his face lit up at the sound. Impulsively, he took her cup, and his, and moved the tray to his bedside table.

‘Tell you what,’ he said. ‘Let me give you a free sample right now, to help you with your decision making.’ He threw off his robe, climbing over her, and held her hips firmly in his hands as he scooted her down the bed. Next he took both her wrists in his hands, and pushed them to the side on the pillows, above her head.

Olivia lay back, sinking into the bed, as he traced a pathway of kisses down her neck, along her torso, past her belly, to the place where her thighs met.

With his slow, sensitive hands, he gently encouraged her legs to part, and began to kiss her inner thighs, drawing closer to her opening. Soon he was kissing and tonguing her labia with a fevered precision. Olivia could barely stifle a groan, as her fingernails dug into the pillows and a few beginning shivers of pleasure began shooting along her nerve endings. She reached down and stroked his head.

Rafael paused and looked up at her. ‘You okay?’ he asked, his face flushed.

‘More than okay,’ she assured him. ‘You know, you really don’t have to...’

‘Stop, I want to,’ he said cutting her off. ‘You have no idea,’ he shook his head, almost more to himself than to her.

And then he was back to his ministrations with renewed energy, finding the spots that made her tremble and working them with his tongue, gripping her hip firmly for leverage as he explored her most sensitive places. She thought idly that he must have been an excellent student at Harvard, with the care he was taking at learning every little region of her body, gauging every reaction, remembering each spot and revisiting them in varying sequence, building her arousal all the while. She felt like the most fascinating book he had ever read.

Finally, much sooner than expected, she felt that exquisite, deep unfurling that made her whole body shudder,. She knew he felt the telltale tremors of her body because he paused and pressed a last affectionate kiss to her inner thigh. He laid his head against her hipbone, his ear pressed against her, and his arm wrapped loosely around her thighs.

As soon as Olivia was fully functional again, she reached for his shoulder, and pulled him up to kiss him and draw him close to her chest. He was a tactile man, and she could tell how much he enjoyed both holding her and being held. It made her a little sad to think about how long he might have gone without that feeling, and how long they had both been needlessly alone, when they could have been together.

He seemed on a pathway to nestle into her shoulder and take a nap, so she nudged him at his waist.

‘I could return the favour?’ she offered.

Smiling, his eyes half closed, he shook his head. ‘Later, maybe,’ he said. ‘But you don’t need to, I don’t care. That was about you, Liv, I just really wanted to do it. I’ve thought about it before.’

‘Oh, you have, have you?’ she asked with a smirk, letting him nestle in, his head fitting into the crook of her neck. His beard scratched her skin a little, but she was starting to like the feeling. ‘Well, I’m glad I could oblige.’

‘You can oblige me more,’ said Rafael, despite sounding sleepy.

‘And how’s that?’ she asked, finding that after her orgasm, she was ready for a nap herself.

‘Stay here with me in this bed all weekend,’ he suggested. ‘After all, we have so much to make up for.’

Chapter Text

On Monday morning, Olivia arrived at the station early. Still on a high, she had stopped on the way to pick up a box of assorted muffins for the break room.

It had been a great weekend.

It had been a great couple of weeks, actually, she thought with a smile, now that she had Rafael back in her life.

The morning was typically busy at the station, with a number of reports that had come in over the weekend and required further attention. She spent most of her morning meeting officers and reviewing interview records to catch up on cases.

It was after eleven when she returned to her own desk with a cup of coffee and a muffin, and noticed the voicemail notification on her phone.

She sighed as she recognised the number- it was Elliot.

She put the phone on speaker and pressed play, as she leaned back in her chair, trying to relieve the building tension she was feeling in her shoulders.

‘Hey Liv, just checking in. I'm just back from that undercover assignment. I’ve been thinking about you, wondering how you were doing. Let’s catch up, okay? How about dinner? It’ll be my treat. Call me back, let me know any night that suits. Talk soon, okay?’

In the back of her mind, she had known that this day was coming, since the moment she decided she was prepared to move past Rafael’s working for Wheatley.

She knew that just because she had found it in her heart to forgive Rafael, it did not follow that Elliot would feel the same way. For starters, Eliott did not share all her good memories of Rafael, his only encounter with him had been the Wheatley trial. Added to that, there was the necklace that Elliot had given her, and the other times when he had made it clear that his interest in her, now that he was a widower, went beyond just friendship.

Part of her wanted to delay meeting Elliot.

Things had been going so well between her and Rafael, without the rest of the world taking its toll on the fledgling relationship.

Noah didn’t even know yet, and that was one thing. She was afraid to see him get his hopes built up, to get even more attached to Rafael, only to end up disappointed down the line if things didn’t work out. Who was she kidding, she was afraid to get her own hopes up. Especially when Rafael looked at her the way he had when she was leaving his house on Sunday, after their kiss goodbye. His eyes softened when he gave her a parting look, like she was his everything. She wasn’t immune to the power of his gaze, or what it somehow opened up in her own well-guarded heart.

Still, she theorised, it was the sort of situation where it was better to rip the band aid off now, rather than avoid it and allow it to fester.

She decided to text Elliot, thinking the true conversation needed to happen in person. She suggested a lunch later that week. Lunch seemed safer than dinner, there was a more definite start and end, and it set expectations at the right level.

Next, she thought of Rafael.

The relationship between Rafael and Eliott was fraught, she knew that better than anyone. She decided it would be better to give him a heads up that she would meeting Eliott, rather than have him hear about it any other way.

She texted Rafael suggesting a post work drink, saying there was something she wanted to run by him.

He replied quickly, agreeing, and not pressing her for details, though she could imagine his curiosity would have been piqued.

That evening, Olivia arrived at Mulligan’s bar earlier than Rafael, and she selected a quiet booth for them to sit at. She went ahead and ordered herself a glass of Cabernet.

Not long after, the door swing open, and Rafael walked in, dressed immaculately in a grey, three piece suit.

She stood up to greet him, and he gave her a warm kiss on the cheek.

‘Someone’s looking handsome today,’ she said with a grin.

‘What, this old thing,’ said Rafael with a cocky grin, gesturing down his no doubt designer suit to his shiny patent loafers. ‘I still have to keep up appearances, especially now I’m just a part-timer really.’

‘I’m betting you give all the others a run for their money, none the less,’ said Olivia as they both sat down.

A waiter came over, and Rafael ordered a whisky, and she added a request for some French Fries that they could both share.

‘Not that it isn’t lovely to see you, especially unexpectedly,’ said Rafael, as his drink arrived. ‘But I have to admit, I’m not sure if I should be a little worried?’

Olivia sighed, and reached out across the table to touch his hand in reassurance. ‘You don’t need to be worried- at least, I don’t think you need to be.’

‘Well that’s… vaguely reassuring.’ Rafael said with a crooked grin. He took a sip of his drink.

‘The thing is, I heard from Stabler this morning. He wants to meet. And I think it’s best I go ahead and see him, too. But I wanted you to know as well. I mean, you know we’ve been friends for many years, so you might have expected we would be in touch, but given what happened between you during the Wheatley trial, I thought it best to be as open and honest as possible.’

She looked at his face, which had stilled at the sound of Stabler’s name. She was willing him to understand her reasoning.

‘And, when you say you’re being honest, Liv, is that on both sides? Does he know about us?’

She sighed, looking down. ‘Well no, he couldn’t know. He’s been undercover the last few months anyway. But also, a lot of people don’t know about us yet, Rafa. This is still very new between us.’

Rafael sighed, his mouth tightening into a displeased straight line.

‘True, but a lot of people haven’t recently made a move on you, and are now asking to see you again. Is he, I mean are you… I guess I just don’t know what it is that you are expecting to get out of seeing him?’

Olivia did her best to swallow the annoyance rising in her throat. ‘I’m certainly not expecting to do anything that would disrespect what we have together, Rafael, is that’s what you mean? I mean, I know we haven’t talked about any commitment, exactly, but that doesn’t mean I’m just putting myself out there with other men, while we’re seeing each other.’

Rafael swallowed painfully, as if he didn’t like the taste of whatever he was feeling.

‘No, Liv, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean that. I mean, I suppose I have to admit, I might be a little jealous, but that’s my own problem. I guess that what I mean is, are you prepared to how he might react if he finds out about us? I’m not exactly his favourite guy. And even though I may be jealous, please believe me when I say that the last thing I want to do is to cost you the friendship of someone who is so important in your life.’

Olivia nodded. ‘Honestly? I don’t know how he will react to my seeing you, or to you being in my life again. Losing Kathy hit Elliot very hard. Sometimes he seems like he’s over it, and then something happens and he’s not. He even started wearing his wedding ring again for a awhile.’

Rafael nodded. ‘Well, sometimes grief is like that. I do feel sympathy for him, I can’t imagine what it was like for him to lose his wife.’

He looked at Olivia, and she could feel him thinking that he couldn’t imagine losing her, either, especially not again.

‘It’s been rough, and not just on him, on the kids too. Even if he’s angry, I think the best thing I can do is be straight with him, and then listen to what he has to say.’

‘He’s going to tell you to break up with me.’ Rafael's tone was resigned.

Olivia raised an eyebrow. ‘Elliot doesn’t tell me who to date. He never has, and he never will.’

‘No, but it’s going to hurt him, isn’t it? You don’t like hurting people you care about, I do know that much.’ Rafael’s eyes had dulled, a melancholy overtaking him.

‘You’re right, I don’t,’ agreed Olivia. ‘But just remember, you’re one of a very short list of people that mean a lot to me, and I don’t want to hurt you, not if I can help it.’

‘But he’s been hoping you two would eventually get together, hasn’t he?’

Olivia sighed, taking a sip of her wine. ‘Well yes, in the past. I mean, nothing like that has come up between us in a while. He accepted it when I told him that I wasn’t ready.’

Rafael shook his head. ‘Yeah, but not ready sounds like not now. It’s not the same as not ever.’

Olivia gave him a sharp look. ‘What was I supposed to say to him, Rafa? He lost his wife. I’m somebody he has history with, someone he trusts. I had to at least try to let him down easy.’

Rafael shrugged. ‘Liv, I’m not trying to upset you. I’m just warning you, he may not have taken that as a no. And now, you’re telling him you are ready, but you picked someone else, and it’s the man who defended his wife’s killer? I can’t imagine him taking all that well.’

Liv nodded. ‘Maybe you’re right. Still, I owe him the truth, after everything we’ve been through together.’

Rafael winced, and she knew her shared history with Eliott was still at least a little threatening to him.

‘I can tell that you have made up your mind,’ he said. ‘You know, I think it’s best that I stay out of this. Getting involved with his wife’s case already worked out badly enough. You know what you’re doing Liv, and I hope that in time Stabler might come to accept me being in your life.’

Liv tilted her head, ‘Time can be a healer, so let’s hope it’s possible.’

Rafael smirked acerbically. ‘And then again, on the side of realism, I just hope he doesn’t punch me the next time he sees me, and that if he does, it’s not on the face. A black eye is a tough thing to explain away on court room days.’

Olivia gave him a stern look. ‘Don’t even joke about that. Now come on, one more drink, and let’s not talk about any of this any more. Tell me about your day.’

Chapter Text

When Olivia arrived at the diner that Thursday, Elliot had made it there ahead of her.

He was looking down at the menu, and she felt a pang of guilt at the sight of him. The last thing she wanted to do was to cause her old friend further pain.

He looked up and grinned his familar, playful grin at the sight of her.

‘Liv, hey!’ he said, getting up to give her a hug before she took her seat.

‘Boy, are you a sight for sore eyes,’ he told her. ‘How’ve you been?’

‘I’ve been good, thanks, El. How about you, was it a rough mission?’

Elliot sighed. ‘Things got a bit hairy towards the end, but nothing I couldn’t handle.’ He smirked, self-assured as ever. Olivia thought about how much she had looked up to him as a young detective. She had seen him as someone who had it all together. It was only in hindsight that she could see the cracks in that early, confident façade.

The waitress appeared, and they both made their orders with little delay.

Elliot looked at her carefully.

‘So, Liv, no time to meet me for dinner, what gives?’ There was hurt visible in his eyes, and some level of resignation too.

Olivia blushed. He knew. Well, maybe he didn’t know everything, but he knew her well enough to know already that something fundamental had changed between them, without her really saying anything.

‘Yeah, about that El. There’s no easy way to say it, but I wanted you to hear it from me, that I’ve been seeing someone.’

She saw Elliot’s broad shoulders sink just a little at that information.

He frowned. ‘You didn’t have to tell me that, Liv. You don't owe me anything. I have been away, and anyway, we haven’t got any kind of committed relationship right now. You’re as free to date as I am.’

Olivia nodded, feeling uncomfortable. “I know I didn’t have to, but I wanted to be honest with you, El.’

‘Although…’ he continued, his frown twisting into a coy smile, ‘If you’re ready to date again, I would still like to throw my hat in the ring. I think you know I’m interested, and I’m willing to take things as slow as you want.’

Olivia looked into his eyes, which were as blue and intelligent as ever.

‘That’s the thing, El, the person I’m seeing, he's someone I want to have something exclusive with. So that means that I won’t be seeing anyone else. And I was afraid that I had given you the impression before… that maybe things were moving with that direction for us. But the thing is, I just don’t think the timing was ever going to be right.’

‘That sounds like an excuse,’ said Eliott, and she could see the disappointment in his eyes, and knew he was realising this for what it was- an ending of the flirtation that had been going back and forth between them for the past two years. An ending of the hope for more that he had held beneath that flirtation.

Olivia sighed. ‘I can understand why you feel that way, El. I’m so sorry if it feels like I strung you along, but frankly, I didn’t know what I was feeling for sure myself, until quite recently.’

‘And all that history that we have together, you’re willing to just let all that go?’ he asked softly. He tapped his strong hands on the table, and she could tell that he would have liked to reach out and touch her, but he was holding himself back.

‘I’m not just saying this, but I really want us to continue on being friends, El. I think that’s the right thing for us. But it’s your decision, too. And I understand if you need some time to decide.’

Elliot nodded sharply ‘Time would be good. Of course I still want you in my life, no matter what.’ He looked at her, sizing her up. She guessed he was wondering if there was any way he could get her to change her mind. But then again, she thought, what she had to say next, might irrevocably change how he felt about her, and not for the better. He picked up his water glass and took a sip.

‘I feel the same way about you,’ said Olivia. ‘But I also want us to go forward from a place of honesty. So I need to tell you who I am seeing as well, because it’s somebody you have met before. It’s Rafael Barba.’

Elliot placed his water glass back on the table with a loud clink.

‘I’m sorry. You’re telling me that you are seeing the man who defended my wife’s killer? The same low-life lawyer who helped get Richard Wheatley a mistrial? You’ve got to be kidding me.’ His voice was rising in volume, and she saw a woman at the next table over steal a curious glance in their direction.

‘I can imagine how you must feel right now Elliot, and I am so sorry if you see this as a betrayal. I never wanted him to take that case, and I told him so. We actually fought about it for a really long time.’

‘Liv, forever is a really long time.’ Elliot stared at her, studying her face, looking as if he was trying to discern whatit was in her that had changed so much that he no longer recognised her. ‘I know, because that’s how long Kathy is gone for. That’s how long my kids will be without their mother.’

Olivia felt tears pricking at the corner of her eyes. ‘Elliot, I know what and the kids you have lost. I know that Kathy was an extraordinary woman. I remember her. She was irreplaceable. And I hate everyone who was involved in doing that to all of you.’

‘With the glaring exception of your new boyfriend.’ said Elliot, his lip curling into a sneer.

Olivia paused. ‘El, just to be clear, Rafael played no part in Kathy’s murder. His involvement in the case was purely after the fact. If he hadn't defended Wheatley, someone else would have. It's the way the system works, and we both know it.’

‘Well of course, like a typical bottom-feeding defence attorney, he swooped in to make his buck on the back of my wife’s death. I can’t believe this, Liv. We used to make fun of guys like him.’

‘I think you’re misunderstanding what drew him into the case in the first place, El. He only heard about it because people were talking about what happened in that interrogation room, how I gave you access to Wheatley, against protocol.’

Elliot glared at her. ‘I was trying to catch my wife’s killer. She was the mother of my children, Olivia. I loved that woman for decades, maybe not always as well as I should have,’ he shot her a look of distaste. ‘How can you possibly blame me for doing everything I could to catch Wheatley?’

‘Elliot, I don’t, and I was happy to help you. I was fine with putting my career at risk. But let’s not pretend that there was no risk there. Letting you interrogate Wheatley was not by the book, not by a long stretch. Especially not with how the video looked afterwards.’

‘Well, look at you, Captain. I guess these days, appearances matter more than friendship. That wasn’t the way things used to be between us.’

Olivia shook her head. ‘You’re right, it hasn’t always been the case. But I’ve grown a lot in the past twenty years, El. I’m a Captain now, not your junior detective anymore. It’s up to me to make tough calls- and that time I chose you over the job with Wheatley.’

Elliot’s face was like thunder. ‘I won’t apologise for putting my wife first.’ His right hand went to touch the spot on his left where his wedding ring would have been, had he still been wearing it.

‘I would never ask you to El. I just want you to understand that what Rafael was doing, was that he was putting me first. Because that’s what he does for me, every single time. It’s what he did when Noah was kidnapped, it’s what he did every time I needed a friend to lean on, and it’s what he did with the Wheatley case too. He wanted to look after me. I didn’t want him to, and I don’t agree with his choice, but I need you to understand, that really was the reason, and not anything as nefarious as what you have been imagining.’

Elliot glowered. ‘Well, he sure has you convinced of that, anyway. So, he was the knight on the white horse, coming in to save you? I was just some reckless asshole happy to sacrifice you and your precious career on the way to carrying out my vendetta, is that the story he’s telling?’

‘He’s not telling you any story, Elliot, I am. And you’ve misunderstood, if you think that’s what I am saying to you.’

At that moment, the waitress placed down their meals, looking abashed to interrupt such a heavy conversation. She wordlessly topped up their water glasses and meekly retreated.

'You know, Elliot, it's true what you are saying about Kathy, she was the mother of your children, and the love of your life. The love of your life isn't just someone you love, they are someone you choose first, every time. And you chose her.' She looked at him meaningfully.

'She was my wife, Olivia, what did you expect?' he almost snarled. 'That I would walk out on her, on my family, to be with you.' This was it, said a quiet voice in Olivia's head. The real reason it would never have worked between them. Elliot hadn't always been an ideal husband to Kathy, and somehow, in his head, he had wrapped Olivia up in the blame for that. Had they been too close? Absolutely. But she had never let anything happen between them, not even during his separation. And yet still, someohow, Elliot blamed her for the times that he hadn't been enough of what Kathy needed, for the times he hadn't loved his wife enough. It was why he had been able to give her that cruel letter- because some small part of him wanted to believe she was responsible for the problems in his marriage. She guessed it was a hell of a lot easier to to look to blame her, than it was to look in the mirror.

Olivia swallowed. 'Absolutely not El. I would never have asked that of you. I would never have done that to your family.'

'Yeah, you seem really concerned about all of us. You, and your new prissy little boyfriend.'

'I really think it's better we don't make this so personal El,' said Olivia, feeling a little stung at the snideness with which he referred to Rafael. 'All I mean is, I was happy for you, that you had that love in your life, and that I hope maybe some day, you might understand that I wanted a love like that in mine.'

'You can't tell me that this isn't personal.' Elliot grimaced down at his club sandwich. ‘I don’t think I have much of an appetite any more.’ He started to put on his jacket.

Olivia reached out and touched his sleeve. ‘El, if you need to go, I understand completely. But I want you to know, that if you can see your way past this, I would still like us to be friends. Whether you don’t want to see Rafa, of whatever the terms are, I am still willing to be here for you, as a friend, if you’ll let me.’

Elliot smirked bitterly, as he threw down some cash on the table.

‘That’s mighty big of you, Liv, thanks. I can’t give you an answer right now, but I will think it over. Hope you enjoy your lunch.’

Without much further ado, Elliot Stabler was out the door.

Chapter Text

It was Saturday before Rafael and Olivia could meet again. Olivia and Noah’s schedule didn’t allow for an overnight visit that weekend, but she had met him on Saturday morning to visit the farmer’s market in Fort Greene. He’d suggested buying some ingredients and cooking her an early dinner, which was too good of an offer to refuse.

She had spent most of Friday dwelling on how Stabler had reacted to the news about her new relationship. It did hurt her that her old friend wasn’t at all happy for her, and it rankled that he seemed to also hold her responsible for some of the problems he had experienced in his marriage. After all, she reasoned to herself, he had been the one with a ring on his finger. And also, she was pretty sure that she was not the only woman he had flirted with over the years. She drew some solace from the knowledge that she had never let anything truly happen between them, and on that score, she could hold her head high, whatever Elliot had wanted to imply.

By Saturday morning, as she made her way to meet Rafael, she had resolved not to focus too much more on Stabler. She knew that if she had talked to her therapist, they would tell her she couldn’t control someone else’s feelings, only her reaction to them.

Rafael was waiting for her at the market entrance, warmly dressed in a dark bluw tweed Harrington jacket, and a wool hat, his cheeks red from the cold November air. Her heart lifted at the sight of him. He held forth two reusable coffee cups he had gotten filled at one of the nearby stands.

‘You really do think of everything,’ said Olivia, kissing him hello, before she retrieved one of the cups from his glove-clad hands.

If possible, his face flushed just a little bit redder.

They perused the stalls of various small-batch local sellers. Rafael was about as fussy as she had expected in selecting his ingredients. She grinned to herself as he took about five minutes deciding on which type of green pepper he wanted, walking up and down the stand and picking up a few for further examination.

'This is feeling a bit like jury selection day,' she remarked to him, stamping her feet to stave off the cold from standing still so long.

'Look who brought the jokes today,' he remarked, reminding her of all the times in the past she had said that to him.

As they browsed, they spoke a little bit about Noah, and the all-day theatre camp he was attending that day. She knew that her meeting with Stabler was probably gnawing away at him, but she didn’t know how to bring it up, or even if she should.

Eventually, as they paused at a bakery stand, he turned to her, and saved her the trouble.

‘So, you don’t have to tell me, but I can’t help being curious about how you got on the other day, when you met Stabler?’ he asked, before turning away, and shifting on his feet. She could hear in the strain of his voice that he was trying not to sound too concerned.

She paused, choosing her words. ‘Honestly? Not so great, Rafa. I mean, I’m not shocked he wasn’t immediately over the moon about us, but even so, he didn’t really take the news well.’

‘The bit about you dating in general, or the bit about you dating me?’

‘Both parts,’ said Olivia. ‘But at least he knows now.’

‘Right,’ said Rafael. ‘And does… did his reaction change how you feel at all, about us? I mean, I would understand if you wanted us to slow down, or if you need some time to think about it all.’

‘Is that what you want?’ she asked him, a bit taken aback that he would even bring up the idea of slowing things down.

‘Well, uh, no, not at all. I mean, I’ve been pretty happy with how things have been going lately. More than happy. But I would understand if after speaking to Stabler…’

‘Rafa, I told you why I was speaking to Stabler, didn’t I?’ her voice was stern, but underneath it there was the warmth of her affection and her need for him to believe in it.

‘I know what you said, yes.’ Rafael said, still not looking in her direction. He was upset, she could tell, and he didn't want her to see.

‘And do you trust me?’

‘Of course I do, Liv,’ he said, finally meeting her gaze, his voice softening.

‘I was telling him out of respect, and also to set him straight about the fact that you and I are exclusive, so I won’t be dating anyone else.’

‘We are?’ asked Rafael, with a modicum of a smile beginning to form on his face.

Olivia laughed. ‘Well actually, I guess we never made it official, but I just assumed. Maybe we should have talked about it?’

‘No, we’re definitely on the same page,’ said Rafael, and now he was full-on grinning. ‘I just didn’t want to assume.’

‘I’m beginning to think I haven’t been making myself clear enough,’ Olivia was well aware that she hadn’t said ‘I love you’ to him yet. She wasn’t in doubt about how she felt, but it was still a pretty big step for her to finally say it. She didn’t want it to be in the context of a conversation about Stabler, either.

‘No, you have,’ said Rafael, giving her arm an affectionate squeeze with his free, glove-clad hand. ‘I think I still just can’t quite believe this is really happening sometimes.’

‘Well, believe it,’ said Olivia. ‘I’m sorry I can’t see you for longer this weekend.’ A part of her was regretting she didn’t have a night free this weekend to spend with him. She already missed the physical closeness they had shared the weekend before.

‘Me too,’ said Rafael, a bit absently. ‘You know, the original Planet of the Apes is back on one of the streaming services. I was speaking to Noah about it last week. I think he’d have fun with it. I was wondering about a movie night for the three of us. I do know that you’re not ready for him to know about us seeing each other, but it doesn’t mean we can’t all hang out, right?’

‘Hmmm…’ said Olivia. ‘That’s true. I think Noah would like that, Rafa. When were you thinking?’

‘Well, how about next Saturday evening? I could hit this market in the morning, and then pick up the makings of dinner for the three of us. Maybe I could make some fish tacos for everyone at your place?’

‘That does sound pretty tempting.’ admitted Olivia. ‘I’m not sure if it’s a little unfair on you, though. You’re already cooking for me today.’

The truth was, she loved watching Rafael cook. Something about the precision of his movements and the sureness of his hands just did things to her. She also recognised cooking as one of his love languages early on in their courtship. He put so much care and flavour into the food he prepared for her. Just eating the meals he prepared made her feel profoundly well taken care of.

He shook his head dismissively. ‘No, I like cooking for you. It helps me to de-stress. And- I would definitely be heading back to Brooklyn that night.’ He rushed to add that part. ‘I’m not trying to push things, and I know we’re keeping things between us separate from Noah.’

Olivia sighed. ‘Thanks Rafa. You know this is no reflection of how I feel about you, right? I’m just being cautious of Noah, because he’s never really been old enough before to truly get to know a man that I am seeing. And it being you, is an extra big deal because of how invested he is in keeping you around. You’re his pal, like it or not.’ She looked at him fondly.

‘Of course I like it!’ said Rafael indignantly. ‘And for the record, regardless of what happens between us, I don’t ever plan on disappearing from Noah’s life. Not once you are okay with me being in it.’

Olivia smiled. His devotion to Noah meant more to her than she could express.

‘I hear you,’ she said. ‘And I really appreciate that. I don’t want to wait forever to tell him, either, but things are still so new right now...’

‘I do understand where you are coming from Liv,’ he promised her. ‘You’re just being a great Mom. It’s one of the things I love about you.’ He paused, and looked away, and she wondered if he was self-conscious about his choice of words. ‘We should probably head home soon, I need to pick Bruno up from the groomer's.' Liv nodded.

‘Will your Mom sit with him Saturday, if you’re spending most of the day with us?’ She asked.

‘I guess, or one of the dog sitters. Why?’

‘Does she ever ask what you’re doing when you’re away?’ she asked, suddenly curious.

‘You mean does she ever ask me if I’m seeing anyone?’ He sounded amused.

‘Well, yeah, I guess,’ said Olivia, feeling a bit embarrassed for asking. Something about Rafael’s mother made her feel a little off-balance. From their brief encounter, many years back, she seemed like a formidable woman.

‘Only every day of my life for the last 30 years or so,’ he grumbled. ‘But if you mean lately, then last week she did go so far as saying ‘You seem very happy lately, Rafi, is there anyone special in your life?’' He rolled his eyes.

‘She didn’t.’ said Olivia, cringing but also holding back a laugh. It was nice too though, to hear that his Mom thought he was happy.

‘She did, she’s practically psychic, unfortunately. But I was very evasive, don’t worry. I know you want to keep things low key.’

There was a subtle sadness in his eyes that tugged at her heart.

‘I’m sorry Rafa. I know I must seem a little crazy, for me to be this cautious. This is all just my own baggage. I don’t really want you to feel like you have to hide us from anyone.’

‘I’m okay with waiting a little while to tell people,’ said Rafael. ‘Though will I note that Amanda and Carisi definitely know, because I have had multiple text messages from Carisi suggesting that I visit their place for dinner. I know those texts are really just about Amanda grilling me for information about what’s going on between you and me.’

Olivia sighed. ‘She’s persistent, you have to hand it to her.’

‘I can’t deny it,’ said Rafael. ‘So next Saturday is a plan?’

‘I’ll do you one better,’ said Olivia. ‘Noah has a sleepover next Friday, so I could stay with you Friday night, and then we can do the market again on Saturday morning together. If you play your cards right, I might even be willing to play sous chef.’

He was smiling again. ‘Liv, I'm sorry, but I’m not sure if I’m ready for role play yet.’

She raised an eyebrow. ‘I meant in the kitchen Rafa.’

‘Role play in the kitchen sounds a bit risky, all those hot surfaces. Though, don’t get me wrong, I’m touched that you’re letting me take the dominant role. The truth is, I always assumed you’d want me to be the sous chef.’

She shook her head in annoyance. ‘This is not half as cute as you think it is.’

‘Come on, you love it.’ He leaned forwards to press a kiss to her mouth. ‘And yes to next weekend, let’s do all of that. And let’s also go buy some dessert for today,’ he took her gloved hand in his and led her through the crowd.

Chapter Text

Rafael happened to be in Manhattan for work on Wednesday of the following week. Impulsively, he decided to check if Olivia was free for lunch. She confirmed via text that she was, and suggested he call by her office when he was finished with his meeting.

Walking through the streets on his way to the station, Rafael’s mood was buoyant. He picked up a small bunch of flowers to take with him to her office- yellow roses. They were small enough that he could keep them hidden in a carrier bag until he got inside. He wanted to brighten up her day, the way she was brightening up his life. He had told her once before that she made him see colours he hadn't seen before, that she opened up a new world of perceptions for him, and it was all true. For the time that she'd been out of his life, things had been a little less colourful. the sunset had been a little bit less beautiful, the sound of the birds singing, a little less hopeful. But now, here she was, back in his life, and it was as if all of the colours were singing to him once more. A small bouquet was just a symbol, when the beauty that she brought into his life was genuinely impossible to quantify.

He and Olivia had plans for Friday. That would be a quiet night with a movie, and then afterward, he wanted to take her to bed, and be free to take his time with her. He was thinking about getting on intimate terms with every inch of her beautiful skin, touching her, kissing her, and making her shiver. He was now the man who was privileged to be with her, and he wasn't going to take as second of it for granted.

Then also, on Saturday he would be spending the evening with her and Noah watching a movie. In his head, he already thought of the three of them as a family. He didn’t want to frighten Olivia away by telling her that so soon, but it still seemed like everything was going in the right direction. If they spent time together, the three of them, he was certain she would start to feel like he did, that he would see they made a natural family unit. There were vacations they could take together. Maybe Europe was in the cards. It would be such a great learning experience for Noah to see all that, to learn the history, and see the art. He couldn't possibly remember the trip with Tucker all those years ago, when he had been so small. Rafael remembered his consuming jealousy at the time, that somebody else got to take Olivia to Paris, and getting to hold her hand walking down cobblestone streets into hidden out-of-the-way bistros.

But now, he could be the man in Olivia's life, and maybe he could take them away somewhere, too. Olivia rarely gave herself time to enjoy things like travel, but if he pointed out how good it would be for Noah, too, he knew he could persuade her. This was a pivotal time in Noah's young life, before he started looking at colleges, choosing his career path. Rafael would have killed for the opportunity to visit Europe when he was Noah's age, and it warmed his heart to think that it was an experience that he and Olivia could give to him, together, and before he got so grown up that he preferred to travel on his own.

He passed through the doorway of the station, pausing to sign in with security.

Even the Stabler situation hadn’t worked out as badly as he had feared, he reassured himself.

He punched the floor number in the elevator, thinking how familiar it felt to be visiting Olivia in her office. It felt right.

It was understandable that Stabler had been upset, he reasoned to himself. It didn’t mean that he would never come round, he thought, as he neared the Special Victims Unit lobby. A receptionist waved him through, telling him he could go straight in to Olivia’s office, that she was just finishing up a meeting and had been expecting him.

He headed on in. Right away, he noticed an empty vase on her desk. He reached into his bag, meaning to arrange the flowers he had brought for her before she arrived.

When the door opened, he looked up with a smile, but the person who appeared was not Olivia.

It was Elliot Stabler.

Elliot’s eyes flicked down to the desk, where Rafael’s hands still held the bunch of flowers awkwardly.

‘Those for me?’ asked Elliot snidely. ‘You really shouldn’t have.’

Rafael’s mouth dropped open. For once, words had failed him.

Finally, he regained the use of his vocal chords. ‘I was just waiting here for Liv, I didn’t realise she had an appointment.’ His own words sounded stupid to him as they came out of his mouth.

‘She didn’t,’ said Elliot evenly. ‘I just dropped by to finish up our conversation from the other day.’

Rafael looked at him, observing the way Stabler had squared his shoulders, and taken a step towards him, standing to his full height. There was no doubt as to the message his body language was giving. He wanted Rafael to feel intimidated.

Rafael stood his ground, as well as a man could whilst holding a half drooping bouquet of flowers that had seemed like such a good idea only fifteen minutes ago.

‘Since I have the opportunity, Mr Stabler, I just want to say, I am sorry for any trouble I have caused between you and Olivia. I care her about her very much, and I wouldn’t want to come between her and a close friend.’

Elliot smirked. ‘You can save your lies for the courtroom, buddy. I’m not remotely interested.’

At that moment, the door to the office swung open and Olivia stepped in. She glanced from Rafael, to his bunch of roses, to Elliot, with an expression of gradually increasing alarm.

‘El, I didn’t expect to see you here,’ she said, with a polite smile, coming to stand somewhere between the two men.

‘I should have called first,’ said Elliot. ‘I was in the area, and I thought it might be good to just stop by, clear the air.’

‘Okay,’ said Olivia. ‘Would you like a moment to talk, just the two of us?’

‘I can wait outside,’ said Rafael, dropping the bouquet on the desk like a hot potato, and heading around Elliot towards the door.

Elliot held out his arm to bar his path.

‘No need for you to go, this concerns you too.’ He said smoothly.

Rafael took in the closeup view of Stabler’s arm. Jesus, the thing was like a tree trunk. He took a step back.

‘What is it you would like to say, El ?’ Olivia asked, looking at him coolly.

If Rafael could give Olivia credit for one thing, it was that she never seemed phased, even in social situations that would leave other people curling into a ball underneath the desk. In fact, he had been eying the desk himself thinking the space underneath it might be preferable to being within arm’s length of Elliot Stabler.

‘So, I thought over what we talked about, and I know you’d like my blessing for, well for seeing this guy,’ Elliot gestured in Rafael’s direction in an offhand manner, as if he might have forgotten his name.

‘That’s not what I asked you for, El,’ said Olivia. ‘I was clear with you before that I’m with Rafael, regardless of what you think.’

Elliot shrugged, as if to say, we’ll see about that, but he did not contradict her outright.

‘Well, I know that you wanted to run it by me, and I may not have reacted very well in the heat of the moment. I think that’s understandable, given our history, Liv?’

‘And now you’ve had some time to reflect?’ Olivia asked, curiously.

‘Now that I have had some time to think it over, I don’t want this to affect our friendship, Olivia. You mean too much to me to lose you. And it is up to you who you date.’ His eyes raked over Rafael, his disapproval evident in the set of his mouth.

‘I appreciate that, El,’ said Olivia. ‘I just need you to accept that Rafael is going to be in my life. And that means that I spend my free time with him, he spends time at my place. So if you’re thinking at you can be my friend and avoid Rafael entirely, I don’t know how well that will work out in the long run.’

Rafael took in what she was saying, and it bolstered his spirit to know that she was letting Elliot know that Rafael mattered to her, and she was willing to stand up for their relationship, new as it was.

Elliot smiled. ‘Hey, I’m not afraid of running in to him,’ he said, giving Rafael a hard tap on the arm that looked friendly enough, but actually hurt a little.

‘Which is not to say that I’ll be inviting you out for beers, either. You did defend my wife’s killer, after all.’ He looked down at Rafael with an air of disdainful superiority.

Rafael was dying to say Alleged killer, but he bit it back.

‘I wouldn’t expect that, Mr Stabler.’ he said instead. ‘Olivia chooses her own friends.’ Also, the thought for going out for a beer with Elliot was truly horrifying.

‘Good,’ said Stabler. ‘I’m glad we could clear that up.’ He nodded to Olivia. ‘I can see you have lunch plans, so I won’t keep you. I’ll be in touch.’

Stabler lurched out of the office.

Rafael looked towards the desk, feeling lost. ‘I brought you those…’ he gestured to the flowers laid on the table by the desk. ‘I don’t know what I was thinking.’

Olivia looked out the door Stabler had just gone through and sighed.

‘You were being thoughtful.’ She told him. ‘You were being you. Thank you.’ She took his hand and gave him a quick kiss on the cheek, even though the door was open. ‘I’m sorry, that was really bad timing that he happened to come in while you were here.’

Rafael shrugged. ‘Maybe it was better to just get it over with. If it was going to happen sooner or later.’

‘I just have to send one email, and then we can go,’ said Olivia, gesturing towards her laptop, her face apologetic.

‘No problem’ said Rafael. ‘Why don’t I get some water for this vase, while you finish up?’

She nodded, and he took the vase, heading for the break room, grounding himself with a deep breath as he walked. He started filling the vase, and paused at the sound of footsteps behind him.

He turned, and saw Elliot standing behind him, an empty water bottle in his hand.

Rafael twisted the tap to increase the pressure.

‘Fancy seeing you here,’ said Elliot, with a smile that didn’t reach his eyes.

Rafael removed the half-full vase from the sink.

‘Please, go ahead.’

‘No, after you.’ said Elliot, his voice rough like gravel.

‘I’m done.’ said Rafael, taking a step back. Whatever sort of weird standoff this was, he was more than ready for it to be over.

‘You know, I’m glad we have a minute to finish our conversation, actually.’ said Elliot, in a very low tone of voice, barely audible. 'You might have Liv fooled, with your little act, but you haven’t got me fooled one bit.’

‘I don’t know what you think I’m acting about.’ Rafael said firmly. ‘My feelings for Olivia are very real. I have no intention of hurting her, ever. She means the world to me. Noah, too.’

Elliot smirked. ‘Of course you would say that. But Liv isn’t like you. She’s a cop at heart, a real cop, through and through. She doesn’t belong with some namby-pamby lawyer, and you and I both know that one day real soon, she’s gonna realise it. She will come to her senses. And on that day, guess who’s going to be there?’ Elliot gestured to his chest. ‘All I have to do is wait you out. I’ve waited criminals out for months on end, buddy. I’m a very patient man.’

Rafael regarded him coldly.

‘I hope you are a patient man, Mr Stabler. Because I intend on your having to wait for as near to forever as I can get.’

Elliot leered at him, a spark of true anger in his eyes. Rafael had seen that type of rage before. He’d seen it in his father’s eyes many times.

‘Dream on buddy,’ he said, with a snort, and then he turned to fill his water bottle.

Chapter Text

Rafael had tried not to let Stabler’s malicious words take root in his brain.

‘She’s a cop at heart, a real cop, through and through. She doesn’t belong with some namby-pamby lawyer.’

It went to the heart of his deepest insecurity, that deep down, he just wasn’t really Olivia’s type. He wasn’t a man’s man, like other men she had dated, like Tucker and Brian. What if on some level, he just wasn't enough for her, in the end?

He shook his head, trying to clear the persistent niggling thoughts from his tired brain.

It was Friday already, and he was getting the house ready for her visit. He had done his laundry, changed the bedsheets, prepped the steaks he planned to cook for dinner and a pan of roast vegetables, and finally chosen the perfect red wine to accompany their meal.

At this stage, he was just pacing the corridors of the house aimlessly. Bruno looked at him from his favourite yellow chair, with one ear cocked, concerned.

‘I’m okay, boy,’ said Rafael, stopping to pet the dog’s head and rub his ears, which always comforted him.

Was he really okay, though, he wondered. He wasn’t completely sure.

He knew that Olivia was choosing to be with him, and that felt good.

But he also knew for sure that Stabler was just waiting for his chance to swoop in. All he needed was for Rafael to make a mistake, and then he could be the one to step in and comfort Olivia. And who in the world was exempt from ever making a mistake?

Not him, anyway. Not after the doozy of a mistake he had already made with the way he went about defending Richard Wheatley.

It was hard to want something this much, and to know that if it didn’t work out, it would likely be because he’d been the one to mess up somehow.

He looked down at his shirt, which was a simple blue cotton button down, with white polka dots, and then thought maybe he still had time to change. He was making his way to the stairs when there was a knock at the door.

He opened it up, and there she was.

Olivia was early, and she was wearing a pretty green wrap dress, and leather boots. She didn’t wear dresses often, but when she did, he found it hard to take his eyes off of her.

‘Hello Liv, you look beautiful,’ he said, slipping his right hand inside her open coat to grab her waist as he gave her a slow kiss by way of greeting.

She blushed. ‘It’s good to see you, too,’ she murmured. ‘Nice shirt,’ She laid a firm hand on his chest, just over his heart, in appreciation, and he felt glad he hadn’t changed, after all.

He hung up her coat, and then settled her in the kitchen on a chair, near Bruno and the fireplace. He ensured that she had a glass of wine in hand, before he got to work frying the steaks.

‘How would you like yours?’ he asked her, as he heated up his pan over the hob.

‘Hmmm, medium rare?’

He nodded in approval.

‘You’re sure I can’t help?’ she asked.

‘No, its no trouble at all,’ he said, at the exact moment that he touched the hot base of the pan with his bare hand accidentally. He hissed in pain.

‘You okay?’ Olivia asked, standing up and putting down her glass on the counter.

‘Oh, I’m fine, it was nothing,’ he assured her.

‘That was a burn though,’ she said. She turned on the kitchen tap. 'Hey, c'mere, run your hand under here for a minute, I can watch the pan’

She was concerned about him, he could see it in her eyes. It wasn’t just about the burn. Maybe she had felt that something was off with him. he couldn't hide anything from Olivia, and he never had been able to, either.

He kept his hand under the cold water as long as he could stand, and true to her word, she watched their steaks, moving them gently about the pan as needed with a spatula.

‘I’m good now,’ he said eventually, he came up behind her, pausing to admire the curve of her ass as she bent over the stove, before snaking his dry hand around her waist, and kissing her near her ear. She relaxed into the kiss with a soft sigh. He smirked. ‘You can let me take over again, now.’

She gave him a look. ‘And you say your Mom is the one with the control issues in the kitchen.’

‘She is!’ protested Rafael. ‘You just don’t know Mami.’

Olivia rolled her eyes, but she didn’t push it, and she sat back down with her wine. From her vantage point, she observed the twist of his hips as he moved the pan on and off the hob, and gathered seasonings to add to his pepper sauce. What was it about a man that could cook?

Soon, they were sitting down to a very delicious meal. He had cooked the steak exactly the way she wanted it, deep pink and tender on the inside, but brown and flavourful on the outside. The sauce was hot, creamy and bursting the flavour of fresh peppercorns.

She complimented his cooking, her words feeling a little hollow, as she seemed to so often be telling him that his food was incredible these days. It didn’t make it any less true.

‘So, how was the rest of your week in work?’ he asked her, giving her a vaguely anxious glance.

‘Not as eventful as Wednesday lunchtime,’ said Olivia. They had indeed gone out to lunch after Stabler’s visit, but they hadn’t really talked about it, both perhaps needing some time to process.

‘Yeah, that was something, wasn’t it,’ said Rafael. He reached across to fill Olivia’s almost empty wine glass.

‘Rafa,’ she said. ‘Are you okay? We can talk about it, you know.’

‘It doesn’t count as raking over the past?’ He asked, unsure.

She smiled. ‘Well, it was just two days ago, so no.’

‘I just can’t stop thinking about how I kind of froze, with Stabler. I should have stood my ground more. You deserve… well you deserve someone who can fight for you.’

She shook her head. ‘Rafael, the last thing I want is you fighting for me, least of all in my office, with all my colleagues listening outside the door.’

‘I understand that, Liv, but even so. There’s just something about Stabler that brings out this reaction in me…’ he trailed off, looking away.

‘And what reaction is that, can you explain it to me?’ Olivia asked, her eyes warm with concern.

Rafael sighed. ‘Honestly, I don’t think I can talk about it without mentioning the trial, and I know that we both have agreed not to do that anymore.’

‘Well, on this occasion, let’s make an exception,’ said Olivia. She took a small sip of wine and gestured encouragingly with her hand for him to continue.

‘When I was considering taking that case, I got shown the video of the interrogation room, you remember the one?’

‘How could I forget?’ asked Olivia. She still cringed thinking that it was amongst the court records, that so many people had seen her lose control of that interrogation with Stabler in the room, when he lunged at Wheatley. To a certain extent, it had just felt like vintage Stabler, and yet what cops could get away with, especially on camera, had changed radically over the years since they last worked together. It had not been a good look for her of for the department, even she could admit that much. The higher ups had raked her over the coals for it, behind closed doors.

‘When he was lunging at Wheatley, and you stepped in to pull him back, it reminded me so vividly of something that happened so many years ago, in the kitchen of our old place, between Mami and my father.’

Olivia nodded silently.

‘What had happened, actually, was that he wanted to go to a bar with his friend. We were just finishing dinner, and I was helping her do the dishes. My father was out of work at the time, but he still expected her to just hand over her wages from the school. She was his wife, so he owned everything she had. That was his idea of what a husband was. And then, she told him that she’d already given the last of her money to me that morning, to pay for this Math tutoring I was getting after school. SOmething about complex algebra equations, I think it was. So he started in on me, and it was just words at first, just taunting me about needing the help, was I stupid, had I gone crying to Mami to bail me out, and didn’t I know it was a waste of money, because I would never amount to anything anyway?

Olivia winced, but she still didn’t speak. ‘And then, of course, I had to open my mouth and say, 'Better to spend it on school, than waste it by pouring it down his throat at the bar.' My big mouth always got me into trouble- even then,’ He smiled, but it was a smile with no mirth. ‘And he stood up over me, his arm swung back, it was just about to make contact. And Mami stepped up in front of him, she tried to pull him back by the arm.’

‘And what happened then?’ asked Olivia. He could see her picturing the scene and noting the visual similarity to the way she had needed to hold Stabler back in that room.

‘He didn’t give up.’ He said simply. ‘He dislocated her arm. And I still got the black eye, too. My mother isn’t a big woman, her arms were pretty delicate, and then afterwards, it was just sort of hanging by her side.’ His voice cracked, but he didn’t cry. He had cried that night, but now, he was a grown man. Still, Olivia could look at him and see the terrified boy that he had been. the onw who was responsible for his mother's pain. The one who could have done more to save her. 'After he left for the bar, I took her to the emergency room. We were there most of the night, before she got seen to.'

‘I can see why the video might have brought that back to you Rafa,’ said Olivia, her voice soft. ‘But it was a different situation. I didn’t get hurt that day. Elliot wouldn’t ever hurt me.’

He could hear her defending Stabler again, and it triggered his temper, but he didn’t rise to the bait.

‘I’m glad to hear that, Liv,’ he said. ‘But it very much looked like he could have. All I could think was, she could get hurt, any minute, and he doesn’t seem to care.’ He looked down. 'And then of course my next thought was that someone needed to look after you, that I needed to look after you. I recognised the danger to your career, logically, of course, but there was something visceral to the feeling, too.'

Olivia looked struck by his words. ‘Elliot just gets a little lost in his anger sometimes,’ she said.

Rafael nodded. ‘Well maybe that’s why he reminds me so much of my father. But we don’t need to carry on talking about it.’ He waved his hand, as if to clear the air.

‘No,’ said Olivia. ‘Still, I’m very glad you told me. It helps me make sense of how you reacted, and how you behaved. I know you have always been your mother’s protector.’

‘That’s a two way street,’ said Rafael, with a fond smile.

‘She sounds like a pretty great mom,’ said Olivia. It wasn’t lost on her that Rafael had described her in similar terms, not long ago.

‘Yeah, she’s special,’ said Rafael, topping up his own wine glass.

‘For the record, Rafa, I do know that Elliot was out of line this week in my office. I’m not okay with him pulling those tactics on you. I would like to give him a limited chance to get his head out of his ass, but if he doesn’t get it together, I’m not averse to showing him the door, either.’

Rafael’s heart jumped at the thought of finally being rid of the man from their lives for good. However, also he wanted Liv to come to the decision on her own. He wanted her to be sure.

‘Thanks, Liv,’ he said simply. ‘I appreciate you having my back.’

‘Just like you have always had mine,’ she told him, giving him a fond look. She reached out to rub his hand. ‘Hey, how about we clear these empty dishes, and head out to the couch for that movie? This may be very mundane of me, but I have been looking forward to getting to snuggle up with you on the couch by a blazing fireplace, literally all week.’

‘Well, far be it from me to crush a woman’s dreams, however mundane they may be,’ said Rafael with a smirk, whipping the clear plates away from the table in about two seconds flat.

Chapter Text

They had watched the movie The Thin Man, huddled close together on the couch beneath a cosy blanket. Olivia had noticed his taste ran to old black and white movies. They spent the evening enjoying the warmth both of the fireplace, and each other’s company.

Afterwards, Olivia started making hints about the bathtub upstairs, which it didn’t take Rafael very long to pick up on. He went upstairs and came back down already dressed in a heavy white terry cloth robe, before handing her a matching one.

‘So organised,’ said Olivia in approval, taking the robe, gratefully.

‘I’ll get changed into this and start the bath running?’ she suggested.

‘Sure,’ he agreed. ‘I’ll just check in on Bruno, turn out the lights and make sure the fire's out. I’ll be right up after you.’

He’d done his checks of the house locks, the sleeping dog in the kitchen, and switched off most of the lights when he paused to sit for a moment on one of his wingback armchairs, looking into the flames of the fire.

The words of their conversation about Stabler earlier were still playing on a loop in his head, as much as he tried to push them out. It was hard to let go of the fact that she still was defending Stabler. What could her infer from that about her true feelings? He’d been looking forward to this evening, he reminded himself, and he really wanted to be able to enjoy it fully. Still, it was hard to ignore the lingering insecurities which had followed Stabler's renewed presence in Olivia's life.

It must have been longer than he thought, because he heard footsteps on the stairs.

‘Hey,’ said Olivia, as she padded into the room in her robe and slippers. She came and sat in the matching chair facing him. She placed a hand on his knee, over the fabric of his robe. ‘Is everything okay?’

Rafael looked at her. In the dim light, with the glow of the fire warming her features, she looked so beautiful.

‘I’m sorry,’ he said. ‘I just got caught up in my head a little bit, overthinking things.’

‘Well, I know how that goes,’ she nodded, sympathetically.

‘I guess I just can’t help but think that for so long, Stabler was so important to you, and you back then didn’t even want to see me. And maybe that means that eventually, you might decide to choose him again. And I know I can’t control it, and my fears might not even be well-founded, but…’

Olivia looked at him. She reached for his hand and held his fingertips in her own, light, but connected. ‘Rafa, let me stop you right there. First of all, it certainly wasn't the case that I didn't want to see you, I was just being a stubborn ass, which is a different thing entirely. I regret letting that all fester so long, and I am sorry. And secondly, I am here, right now, with you because I choose to be. There is nobody besides you that even comes close.’

Rafael smiled. ‘It means a lot to hear you say that, Liv, of course it does.’

Olivia looked at the floor, where there was a soft Berber rug leading up to the fire. She crossed the small space between them, and kneeled down on the rug beside his chair. The full heat of the fire was in front of her, and it was intense, but she wanted to be that close to him in the moment.

‘You do believe me, don’t you Rafa?’ she asked him.

His eyes were shining. ‘Of course I believe you.’ He said, his voice raw. ‘It’s just that you and he have this history, and I don’t think that I can really ever quite touch that.’

The low crackling of the fireplace punctuated the quiet of the night.

Olivia positioned herself between his knees, his robe starting to fall open just a little bit. She could see slivers of his skin, illuminated by the copper coloured light of the fire.

She held his chin in her hand, stroking his beard, and directing his gaze downwards to her face.

‘I have a history, like everyone else does, Rafa.’ She told him. ‘But I love you, and you alone.’

He looked at her.

‘You don’t have to say that just to-‘

‘Hey now, none of that. You know me well enough to say that I don’t do a damn thing I don’t want to do. Don’t start second guessing me now.’

She raised herself up, and slipped her hand inside his robe, needing to feel his skin, and bring his solidness close to her. She kissed him, and he returned it, open-mouthed and hungry.

His hands were all over her, underneath her robe, caressing her breasts, and it wasn’t exactly a surprise when the entire robe she was wearing slipped down and she was kneeling naked in front of him.

He looked down at her tenderly, taking in the beauty of her whole form, with all its curves, lit only by the fire. He paused, and then spoke. ‘You can’t possibly be comfortable like that.’

‘Actually, I’m seeing a lot of potential with my current position,’ Olivia contradicted him, grasping on to his knees, and spreading them. His robe had fallen open, and he was naked in front of her, and starting to look almost painfully aroused. Olivia leaned forward, and began kissing him on his solid chest, working her way down his stomach, to the point where he was fairly trembling in anticipation.

‘Liv,’ he gasped, leaning his head back into the chair. ‘You know I love you, too right?’

‘You don’t have to say that just because of what I’m about to do,’ she said with a smirk.

He huffed. ‘That’s hardly the case, it’s not even the first time I said it.’

She placed a steadying hand on his bare chest, fingers running through the sparse hairs, and drew her head up to look him in the eye.

‘Hey, I know, I know,’ she said softly. ‘I was just teasing you.’ She pressed a gentle kiss to his mouth. ‘I remember everything.’

And then she returned to her downward path, and Rafael began to grip the upholstered sides of the armchair, his knuckles whitening.

She softly began to kiss the length of his shaft, the top or which was already glistening with his arousal. One of his hands reached out to grab her shoulder, and she was undeterred, gradually working the head inside her mouth and teasing him with her tongue. He was shuddering now, try as he might to fight it, and she heard him muttering something unintelligible in Spanish.

Once she took him more fully inside her mouth, it took very little further gentle pressure from her tongue before she could feel he was about to erupt. He was holding himself back, she knew, and she rubbed his knee with her hand to let him know he had permission, as before he finally came, with a groan.

She looked up at his face as she swallowed, and was gratified to see him slack-jawed and strung out. She sat back, her head resting on his knee, and stretched her legs out in front of the fire, which was now almost gone.

As he started to come around, her pulled on her arm and then tugged her gently to get her moving up onto his lap. He held her reverently, and then kissed her almost blindly, sometimes missing her mouth, as if his senses had not yet quite been returned to him.

He moved down to kiss her neck, and stroke her hair, and then brought his lips very close to her ear.

‘Olivia Benson, you are truly incredible,’ he told her.

‘Don’t you forget it,’ said Olivia with a smirk. ‘Now, tell me, old man, have you still got the where-with-all to make it up the stairs for our bath?’

Rafael laughed out with true joy. ‘I forgot about the bath.’

She smiled. ‘Well, I didn’t.’ She tugged at his arm. 'Now, come on, let’s get you upstairs.'

Rafael stared at her in awe, as she stood, still fully naked, in the middle of his living him floor. He glanced at the robe she had left in heap on the rug, in front of the dying embers of the fire.

‘You don’t want your robe?’ He asked, he cinched his own around him and then picked hers up from the floor.

‘Hardly worth putting it on for the amount of time I’ll be wearing it,’ she said with a smirk and turned towards the stairs.

He took a deep breath to steady himself, and made haste to follow her.

Chapter Text

When Rafael reached the bathroom door, he saw Olivia was already in the tub. She must have filled earlier, as it was already brimming with frothy bubbles.

The fragrance of vanilla and mandarin was in the air. She reached out across the bubbles for the hot tap to increase the temperature a little bit after their slight delay on getting in.

‘You gonna join me or what?’ she asked him, giving him an impatient look. She had her hair pinned up loosely above her head, one loose strand having escaped in front of her ear. He was ensnared by the sight of her bare, creamy shoulders, with the white bubbles gathered beneath them. She sat up in the tub a little straighter to smile at him, and he saw her nipples peeking through the froth.

‘Well, seeing as you asked so nicely…’ he quickly threw off his robe, and stepped carefully into the warm water.

She pulled him to come and sit between her legs, with his back to her chest. The feeling of her wet breasts pressed against him from behind was sublime, and he relaxed blissfully into her body.

Her long, shapely legs had come around to pin him in position, and he felt very pleasantly trapped. He also felt wanted.

He trailed a finger along the smooth skin of her thigh, making a pathway through the suds, and then he traced over her knee. He found himself retracing his hand movement lazily, back up her leg, becoming more and more fascinated by the soft skin of her inner thigh. Finally, he turned himself so he was kneeling between her legs. She was looking at him, her face flushed from the steam, her eyes dark with desire.

‘Liv,’ he said, reaching out and stroking her face gently. ‘I don’t know what to do, because I just can’t get enough of you. I feel like you are going to be the ruin of me.’

She shook her head. ‘I have no intention of hurting you Rafa. Quite the opposite, I promise.’

She slid slightly down in the tub and pulled him on top of her, clearly enjoying the pressure of his weight on her body, and the extra slipping and sliding of their bodies up against each other in the water.

He buried his face in her neck, drinking in the fragrance of the vanilla and citrus that had soaked into her skin, as well as that deeper scent beneath it, which was uniquely her. This rush felt like a new addiction taking over his body. Every time he thought there was no further he could fall for her, the ground would crack beneath his feet, and found himself another level deeper.

She was holding him to her, tracing circles on his back with her hand.

His hand ran along her side, and the curve of her waist, and then he could resist no more and he was slipping his hand between her legs.

He felt her hand raking through his damp hair, and then she was twisting his face towards her mouth and kissing him roughly.

He took his time touching her, tracing around her labia, teasing her, caressing her, learning her in the tiniest of increments. He applied a light pressure to her clit with his thumb, just enough to make her gasp. Then he was plunging two fingers inside her, sliding in easily against her wetness.

‘Rafa, I want you, now.’ She whispered in his ear, and he could feel his own body start to respond. She reached down to his crotch, stroking his erection, then gripping it more tightly. He could feel himself getting harder by the second.

‘We could move to the bed?’ he asked.

Olivia tilted her head. ‘Okay, let’s go,’ she agreed. He got out first, and then lifted her up under her arms to help her out. Once they were standing outside the tub, both wet and naked, he held her to him, delighting in the feel of the full length of her body pressed up to his.

He used a fresh towel to dry her gently, before drying himself more roughly. They walked hand in hand to the bedroom.

Olivia pulled back the duvet and crawled into the bed first, lying down and looking up to him with those dark, knowing eyes of hers.

He climbed on top of her, running his hands the length of her sides, and pressed his head between her breasts, relishing the softness on his face, and drinking in the scent of her clean body.

She pulled him back to her face for more kisses, and he reached back between her legs, stroking her again, seeking entry. She was touching him too, and his arousal was developing into an almost painful hardness. She directed him towards her opening with a sure hand, and as he felt her warmth and wetness closing in around him he gave a low grunt he couldn’t control, a sound that came from deep within his chest.

He made love to her slowly, and tenderly, remembering that this was the night that she had told him that she loved him. Whatever happened after this, tonight she was his, and she had given herself over to him completely.

It was a slow build, and then as he gradually increased the tempo, she whispered in his ear for him to go harder, and he listened. His strokes became more purposeful and he slipped his hand back down, pressing his thumb against her clit again and applying a rhythmic pressure, knowing by now how to take her right to the brink of pure pleasure.

He maintained his rhythm until he felt her fingertips digging frantically into his sides, then of her hands grabbing at his ass. He knew then that she almost there, and wasn’t surprised soon after, when he felt her walls clenching in around him. That perfect pressure was all he needed to take him over the edge, and he came, spilling himself inside her, sinking onto her body, boneless and totally spent.

After a few minutes, he went back to the bathroom, and on his return he brought her a damp washcloth to clean up. Once she was done, he pressed his body up against her back in the bed before shutting off the beside lamp, pressing a kiss to her shoulder, and falling into a dreamless sleep.

In the morning, Rafael got up early, and took the dog out for a quick walk. On the way back, he picked up a Saturday newspaper. He brought it up to the bedroom, with two cups of coffee.

Both he and Olivia changed into pairs of his pyjamas, his grey and hers pale blue, and they laid out the newspaper on the bed. He divided out the sections, and let her have first choice. They spent the first hour of the day reading, chatting occasionally if either was reading an article they thought the other was interested in.

‘This painting exhibit in the Whitney looks good, an early twentieth century Parisian art movement.’ Olivia admired the pictures in the article she was reading.

Rafael leaned in to read the article, kissing her shoulder before he rested his chin on it.

‘We should go,’ he said.

‘You’d want to go with me?’ she asked, giving him a look he didn’t know how to read.

He smiled. ‘Beautiful art, beautiful woman, what’s not to like?’

‘You are just all charm this morning, aren’t you Rafa?’ she turned towards him to kiss him, and then to nuzzle against his face and the roughness of his beard a little. ‘Maybe next weekend,’ she said absently.

He noticed then that she was frowning. ‘What are you thinking of, Liv?’ he asked.

‘Just, Noah has been talking about Christmas already. Apparently, Conor’s parents have invited him on this ski trip in the Catskills over New Year, and he really wants to go.’

He could see the troubled expression on her face.

‘Well you don’t have to say yes,’ he said, a little put out at such a thoughtless invitation. How could anyone consider leaving Olivia without her son over the holidays? He also had expected that he'd be spending Christmas with both of them, himself.

‘Well, they invited me too.’ Olivia admitted, sighing.

‘Oh,’ he said, softly.

The Christmas break was still a few weeks away. He hadn’t thought about it in detail. His mother would fly south to be with family, and sometimes in the past he had taken the option to join her. To the degree he had considered it, this year, he had been thinking about Olivia and Noah, and spending time with them, about figuring out their perfect gifts, and he had even been musing over family recipes that he could share with them. Possibly, he'd been afraid to think about it too deeply, to take too much for granted and to get his hopes up that by then, they would all be on firmer ground.

And now, it felt like all of that was being called into question, much too soon.

‘And do you want to go?’ he asked cautiously.

‘No, I really don’t.’ she admitted. ‘I always feel so weird around that kid’s family. His parents are so cookie-cutter perfect, and I’m just there like the third wheel.’

‘They can’t be that perfect. Nobody really is,’ said Rafael sagely.

‘I know that,’ said Olivia. ‘But still, the sort of life that Conor has with the Mom and Dad, and the white picket fence, it all makes me feel sort of inadequate by comparison.’

Rafael raised an eyebrow at her. ‘Liv, that doesn’t make any sense. You are a wonderful mother to Noah, and you know it.’ He brought his arm around her, giving her a reassuring squeeze. ‘I know Noah would rather have you, than any of that.’

‘Actually, I think what Noah would like is me, with all of that,’ said Olivia.

‘How do you mean?’ he asked, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear, and kissing the side of her head.

‘You saw how eager he was to get the two of us spending time together. You have to know that at least part of it is him wanting a real family.’

Rafael shook his head. ‘You two are a real family. We both know they come in all shapes and sizes. Especially these days.’

Olivia nodded. ‘I know I’m being silly.’

‘You’re not. You’re just not giving yourself enough credit.’

Olivia smiled, and picked the newspaper up again, but her put his hand gently on hers to delay her from continuing her reading, and turned to face her head on.

‘That does give me the chance to say this, though Liv. If, by Christmas, you feel secure enough in this- what’s going on between us, I mean- then maybe we could tell Noah about us. We could take him up there together, get our own cabin, and he and Conor could hang out together. Only if you’re ready, of course- if you’re not, then I do understand.’

Olivia looked at him appraisingly.

‘Are you sure you would understand, if I’m not ready?’

Rafael frowned. ‘Well, look, I can’t say I will fully understand. I mean, for me, you are it. I know that. And I want to be with you and Noah, and I think we can all be our own sort of family. It’s the only family I have ever wanted. So, I know how committed I am, and nothing is going to change that. If I have to wait a few months for you to really trust that, then I will do that. You did warn me you didn’t want to rush things with him, so it wouldn’t be a total surprise.’

‘Huh,’ said Liv thoughtfully. ‘Well okay, can I think about it? It’s still a little while away, and with work, I don’t even know yet if I can go away around that time of year.’

‘Well, it’s not just about the trip to me,’ Rafael reminded her. ‘It’s about having Noah become a more permanent part of our life together, going forward.’

It warmed Olivia’s heart to hear he was thinking about the three of them as if they were already a family. It also made her feel just a little anxious, though, when it had just been her and Noah for so long.

‘But we can wait to tell him?’ She asked.

‘Yes, we can wait as long as you want,’ he agreed.

She tilted her head. ‘But then, we’d miss having Christmas together, the three of us. I mean, you could still come over, but we’d still have to be pretending like we are just friends.’

Rafael nodded, a flicker of hope in his eyes.

‘So, what I am thinking is…. I think I want to tell Noah now, that we’re together. I know I wanted to wait before, but it’s different now, because we love each other, and we’re committed to each other. I don't want to keep it from him. He's getting old enough that it's harder to do that, anyway. And I think it's going to make him happy.’

Rafael smiled broadly. He leaned forward and kissed her on the mouth firmly. ‘Liv, thank you. I promise, you won’t regret this. You can always count on me to be there for both of you. I won’t let you down.’

‘I know you won’t, Rafa,’ she said with a smile. He kissed her again, and she dropped the newspaper, as he took her into his arms. He was determined to more fully celebrate their next step forward, together.

Chapter Text

Saturday afternoon, after they had visited the market, Olivia suggested to Rafael that she would go to her apartment ahead of his visit. She wanted to spend some time with Noah alone, and talk to him. Now that she had made up her mind to let him know about the change in her relationship with Rafael, she felt that she wanted to do it sooner rather than later.

She reached the apartment ahead of Noah, and packed away the ingredients they had bought at the market into the refrigerator. She had bought a package of Noah’s favourite chocolate chip and pecan cookies too, and she left those out on the counter.

Soon, she heard the sound of his key in the door.

‘Hey honey,’ she shouted from the kitchen. She poured some milk into a pan on the stove, planning to make some hot chocolate to accompany the cookies.

‘Hi Mom,’ he said, as he stepped into the living room, throwing his backpack on the floor by the sofa haphazardly.

‘How was your sleepover?’ She asked.

‘It was cool. We played this new Star Wars game that Logan’s uncle bought him, and then we ordered pizzas.’

‘That does sound fun,’ said Olivia, stirring the chocolate flakes into the warming milk.

Noah stepped up to the stove, curious to see what she was making.

‘Is that hot chocolate? Awesome.’ His smile was wide.

‘I got those cookies you like too,’ she gestured over to the counter. ‘Hon, can you tidy up a little bit before we have this, put your backpack away for me?’

‘Sure, Mom,’ said Noah, and as he went to put his backpack in his room, and also picked up a stray hoodie of his lying on the counter on his way, she felt a surge of gratitude for how much better things had been between them lately. She had always hated any discord between her and her son, it made her feel unbalanced at a deeper level.

When their drinks were prepared, she added some mini marshmallows to Noah’s mug. She carried the mugs to the coffee table on a tray with two small plates of cookies.

Noah came back in, expecting to see her in the kitchen, and glanced over to her on the sofa.

‘Come sit beside me for a minute, honey, I want to talk to you.’

Noah looked dubiously at her as he took his seat, glancing from the cookies, to the hot chocolate, to her face.

‘Is everything okay, Mom? You’re not sick, are you?’ He looked so anxious, it tugged at her heart.

She laid her hand on his arm gently. ‘Honey no, everything is fine. I didn’t mean to worry you. I just want to talk to you about something.’

‘What’s going on?’ he asked, his eyes widening.

‘Well, it’s about Rafa,’ she began.

‘He’s not coming over tonight anymore, is he?’ asked Noah, frowning.

‘No, he’s still coming over tonight. Why would you think that?’

‘I just figured maybe you changed your mind about liking him again,’ said Noah. ‘You know, like before.’

Olivia sighed. Between Noah and Rafael, she felt like she was working overtime to make up for her past mistakes as to how long she’d let that distance expand between them.

‘Okay, well, I understand, but that’s not the case this time. He’s still coming over tonight, and you can still watch your movie, okay.’

‘Okay, cool,’ said Noah.

‘But I also wanted to talk to you about Rafa and me.’

‘Did you guys have a fight?’ asked Noah, looking at her warily.

Olivia sighed. ‘No, we didn’t have a fight. Actually, what I wanted to tell you is, that Rafa and I are seeing each other. So he might be over at our place a little more, or maybe we might stay with him sometimes. Are you okay with that?’

‘Are you kidding?’ asked Noah with a smile that broke into a laugh. ‘I think it’s great, Mom. I’m so happy for you.’ He set his mug down on the coffee table and gave her a quick, rare hug. ‘That's so great that you guys have finally gotten back together.’ He turned his attention to his mug of hot chocolate, as if he could finally enjoy it, dipping in a teaspoon to gather up the melted marshmallows.

Olivia drew back to look at him, confused. ‘Honey, we were never together before.’

‘Sure you were. Remember, when I was little, and he would come over, and sometimes he’s play with me. You guys would sit on this sofa all night talking for hours and hours?’

‘Well, we weren’t dating honey, we were friends back then.’

‘But then what were you both always talking about so long?’

‘We were talking about the cases we worked on,’ said Olivia, feeling a little defensive.

‘Oh, yeah, okay, sure Mom. You guys just talked about work all night. You’re hilarious,’ Noah started to giggle.

‘Hey pal, you’re getting a little out of line here,’ said Olivia sternly. ‘I’m telling the truth, and also, you are too young to making those sort of… insinuations.’

‘What’s an insinuation?’ asked Noah, all innocence.

Olivia groaned. ‘It's like a hint, okay. But the important things is, now, for the first time…’ she gave him a glare, and he smirked but said nothing ‘…Rafa and I are a couple, and I wanted to let you know before he came over. In case you needed some time to get used to the idea, or had any questions.’

‘Does this mean Bruno gets to be our dog too?’ asked Noah.

‘Well, he’s still going to live with Rafa, but I’m betting you can see more of him if you like.’

‘Of course I want to. You know I always wanted a dog like Bruno,’ Noah looked at her in disappointed wonder at her lack of basic recall.

‘And you feel okay about having Rafa around more?’ she checked.

‘Yes, I feel okay. I told you ages ago I wanted us to hang out with him more.’ Noah shook his head.

‘I guess maybe you feel like I took a super long time to catch up with you on all of this, huh?’ Olivia asked him, taking a bite of cookie and a sip of hot chocolate.

‘Well yeah, kind of,’ said Noah, through a mouthful of cookie. He gave her a pat on the shoulder with a crumb-covered hand. ‘The important thing is you caught up eventually, Mom.’

Olivia raised an eyebrow, but she let it go, as she had to concede that her son was not entirely off base with his assessment.

When Rafael knocked on the door later on, Noah rushed to be the one to answer it.

Olivia walked up behind him.

‘Hey Noah,’ said Rafael warmly as he came in, taking off his coat and scarf. ‘How are you, how’s the weekend been?’

‘Pretty good,’ said Noah. He titled his head and then gave Rafael a sideways look. ‘I know that you and Mom are going out now.’

‘Oh you do?’ asked Rafael, sounding a little bit nervous. ‘And how do you feel about that, Noah? I know it might seem a little weird.’

They all returned to the living room together.

‘Honestly, I think it was weirder when you weren’t going out,’ said Noah, as he sat on the couch, looking up from Olivia to Rafa. He sighed.

‘Yeah, Rafa,’ said Olivia, giving him a poke in the ribs by way of a greeting. ‘Apparently Noah thinks we really took our time getting our act together.’

Noah laughed. ‘Yeah, I mean you’ve known each other for literally forever.’

‘He also thought we were already going out before,’ Olivia told Rafael, her eyes sparkling.

‘Well, forever is an exaggeration, for one thing,’ sputtered Rafael. ‘And we definitely weren’t going out before. I would have noticed.’

‘Would you?’ asked Noah, with a giggle. ‘But then why were you always here?’

Rafael huffed. ‘I was here… I was here discussing important legal matters.’

‘At night time?’

‘Yes at night time.’ Rafael looked askance at Olivia. ‘Where is this all coming from?’ He asked her.

She shook her head in resignation. ‘I haven’t the faintest idea.’

By the counter, Noah was in the process of stealing the last cookie from the package and laughing to himself. ‘Important legal matters, ha, I should be writing some of these down, you guys are so funny.’

‘Actually, Noah, some of the cases your mother and I worked on were extremely serious,’ said Rafael, looking aghast.

Rather than be persuaded, Noah looked like he was holding back another even bigger burst of laughter.

Olivia decided that it was time for her to step in to defuse the situation.

‘You know what I think Noah, is that maybe you could stop spoiling your dinner, put away those cookies, and set the table,’ she said firmly. ‘And you can go easy on the comedy routine, also.’

Noah smirked. ‘Okay, Mom, I’m sorry.’

He looked at Rafael. ‘I didn’t mean anything bad, I’m actually really happy that you’re the one dating my Mom.’

Any annoyance on Rafael’s face melted away at such a heartfelt seal of approval.

In fact, his eyes were starting to shine just a little bit at the corners as he pointedly turned his back and set to work in the kitchen preparing a meal for the three of them. Olivia came up behind him and rubbed his back gently. Then they set to work making dinner together.

Later, following a satisfying meal, and after the credits of the movie had rolled, Noah disappeared to bed.

Rafael and Olivia found themselves alone on her sofa.

‘I have to say, his reaction was not at all what I expected,’ admitted Rafael, as they rounded off the night with a glass of whiskey.

Olivia sighed. ‘I think he’s just hit some weird phase where all of this stuff is funny,’ she gestured vaguely at him.

‘All this stuff?’ he asked with a smirk.

‘Yeah, you know, like boyfriend/girlfriend stuff,’ she explained.

His smirk widened into a real smile. ‘So I’m your boyfriend now?’ he asked.

‘Well, yes, that was the impression that I was under, anyway.’ Olivia looked put out.

‘Hey,’ he said reaching out to tuck a strand of hair behind her ear. ‘I’m very happy to be your boyfriend. Even if I am significantly too old for the word.’

Olivia laughed. ‘If you’re too old, I don’t know what that makes me.’

Rafael looked at her face appraisingly in the low lamp light. ‘I think you must have done some kind of deal with the devil, because every day, you just keep getting more beautiful, mi corazón.’

‘Keep talking like that, and I might just start to believe you,’ she said, leaning in to give him a kiss.

He broke away. ‘So, just to be clear, he thought you and I were an item years ago, and all that working late at night was just some kind of an elaborate cover story?’

Olivia shrugged. ‘I guess so. I can’t imagine where he got the idea from.’ Though when she thought back, she knew there were times when they at least looked at each other in a way that could have made people wonder if there was something more between them. People had asked her outright if there was, on occasion.

Rafael leaned back on the sofa, and threw his head back, deflated. ‘Can you imagine if it were true though,’ he said wistfully.

Olivia studied him. ‘Well, we put the work first then. I’m proud of what we accomplished, aren’t you?’

Rafael looked at her. ‘Yes of course I am, we made a lot of significant progress and it was good work.’

‘Well then,’ said Olivia. ‘Maybe less regrets, and more telling me how beautiful I am.’ She gave him an encouraging look, and he leaned in towards her.

‘Well okay,’ he said, getting very close to her ear. ‘I’m going to start with your ears, they don’t get enough credit. They really are exquisite.’ He leaned in and kissed her ear near the lobe, and then lower behind it on her neck in a spot that he knew drove her crazy. She shivered in response.

‘Maybe we should take this to my bedroom?’ she suggested, taking him by the hand and standing up.

‘No arguments from me,’ he said, rising up and following her lead.

Chapter Text

Sunday morning was the first morning that Rafael Barba had ever woken up in Olivia Benson’s bed.

It was still early. The winter sunlight was sneaking in through the curtains. She was sprawled beside him, taking up two thirds of the bed, still out for the count, with one hand loosely thrown across his chest.

He observed the way the early morning sun illuminated just the side of her face, and how her hair fanned out in an unruly fashion on the pillow, the golden highlights catching in the sun. His breath got stuck in his chest at the weight of his love for her at that exact moment.

He got up quietly, sliding out from under her arm with care so as not to wake her up. He pulled on his jeans and shirt from the night before, regretting that he hadn’t thought to bring fresh clothes over. He’d been a little on edge getting ready, thinking about how Noah would take the news he was seeing his mother. Despite Olivia’s reassurances, he still wasn’t certain he was the type of man the kid would really want around all the time.

He shuffled his way into the kitchen to get himself a cup of coffee, and spied their two empty whiskey glasses still sitting on the coffee table from the night before. He thought back over their conversation that night, and smiled, humming to himself as he placed the glasses into the dishwasher and started the coffee maker.

He sat down on the couch with his coffee, conscious that he needed to get back home, because his mother had stayed over with Bruno again for the night. She was always happy to do it, at the odder times when a dog sitter was more difficult to secure last-minute, but he felt like he had been pushing his luck lately. He could text Olivia where he was gone, he decided, so there was no need to wake her.

He looked around at the pictures of her and Noah on the walls, noticing the new ones that had sprung up during his absence. The years they had missed didn’t sting as much now that he was feeling so hopeful for their future.

He heard a creak on the floor, and turned just as Olivia appeared in the corridor, still looking half asleep, complete with bedhead and rumpled pyjamas. She came over and joined him on the couch, tucking herself in under his arm.

‘The bed was cold without you,’ she told him, pressing a kiss to his cheek. ‘Good morning.’

‘Good morning to you too,’ said Rafael with a smirk, combing a hand through her unruly hair, affectionately.

‘You’re up early.’ She remarked disapprovingly.

He sighed. ‘I really should get back to Mami and Bruno. I know she’ll want to get to mass. I’ve been calling on her a lot more often, lately too.’

Olivia nodded, remorseful. ‘That’s been my fault.’

‘Hey, it’s not like I’m complaining,’ said Rafael, taking hold of her hand gently, and running his fingertips over her knuckles. ‘I love being here with you. You and Noah.’

She smiled. ‘Well, there’s no reason going forward, that we can’t spend a little more of our time together at your place than here. It makes more sense for Bruno, and Noah loves spending time with him too. Don’t tell him I said this, but I do actually think having a dog is good for him, especially as he’s on only child. Plus, you have just a tad more space.’ She knew the last part, at least, was an understatement.

Rafael nodded solemnly. ‘You know you’re both welcome at my place any time,’

‘I can check in with Noah, but I wouldn’t be averse to us both staying with you next weekend, if we’re invited. We could take Noah to the market, get Bruno out for a couple of long walks in the park…’

‘Well, Bruno definitely won’t object to that,’ said Rafael with a grin. ‘And neither will I,’ He leaned in to kiss her. ‘It sounds like the perfect weekend. Oh, I can fix up the front room on the second floor for Noah. I’ve been meaning to sort out the furniture up there for a while, anyway.’

Olivia looked at him warningly. ‘I don’t want you going to too much expense or trouble.’

He shook his head. ‘I needed to fix it up anyway. So I would be spending some money either way. Plus, I want him to feel like he has his own room when he stays there, his own space.’

She smiled. ‘That’s really sweet, Rafa. Just try not to go over the top, okay?’

‘It’s a deal,’ he said, draining the last of his coffee. ‘Okay, I better get home for now. I’ll see you soon okay Liv? Let me know what Noah says about the weekend, won’t you?’

‘I will,’ she agreed. She stood up to give him a hug, holding on for as long as she could, before they kissed goodbye.

Later the next week, on Tuesday, Olivia was working in her office at the unit.

Carisi appeared, unannounced, at her office door. As far as she knew, they didn’t have an appointment.

‘Hey Cap, what’s up?’ he asked, grinning at her sheepishly from the doorway. ‘This a bad time?’

She shook her head. ‘No, come on in, I was worried I had forgotten a meeting.’

‘Nope,’ said Carisi, taking a seat across from her. ‘I was here to see one of your detectives, but I wanted to call in to see you too. See, Amanda had this idea, that we could get together with you and some of the old squad for a few festive drinks before the holidays. She was hoping to catch up with you and Fin, especially.’

Olivia put down the pen she had been holding and smiled. ‘On, that’s a great idea, Carisi. Hang on, Fin’s just out on the floor, I’ll call him in,’

Olivia went out on the floor and sure enough, Finn was at his desk.

‘Carisi wants to run something by you,’ she told him.

In her office, Fin agreed readily to the plan. ‘I’ll pass the invite on to Moneybags and the others, too’ he told Carisi.

‘Awesome,’ said Carisi. ‘And Liv, you could ask Rafael if he wants to come too, right?’

Olivia gave him a pointed look, because she had tended to keep her private life quiet at the office.

It was too late. Fin looked at her in surprise. ‘I didn’t know you and Barba were back talkin’ ’ he said, looking at her curiously.

‘Aw, gee, sorry Cap, did you not want other people to know about you guys yet?’ Carisi asked her, wide-eyed. ‘I just assumed Fin knew.’

Fin raised his eyebrows. ‘No way, you and Barba are an item? Carisi and Amanda know that you and Barba are together, but you weren’t tellin’ me? Since when am I just ‘people’, Liv? That one hurts.’

Olivia glared at Carisi. ‘I was going to tell you, Fin, of course I was. Rafa and I did get back in touch recently, and yes, now we’re together. It’s still pretty new. We just broke it to Noah on the weekend.’ She turned her ire to Carisi. ‘Carisi, it’s a good thing it’s your wife and not you who is working in intelligence.’ Olivia rolled her eyes. ‘You can’t keep a secret to save your life.’

Fin looked at her, and gave a small smile. ‘Hey look, I’m happy for you, okay. If anyone deserves to have someone special in their life, it is you Liv. Once he treats you well, I’m happy.’

Olivia nodded, determined not to blush.

‘Well, well.’ Fin looked bemused. ‘I never thought I’d see the day.’

‘Is it really that surprising?’ she asked him.

‘Naw, that’s not it. I mean, it was incredibly obvious to everyone he was in love with you back in the day, right?’ he looked at Carisi, who nodded.

‘Yeah,’ said Carisi. ‘Like all those times he stopped by your office to ask you out remember?’

Olivia sighed. ‘He actually didn’t make it clear those were dates.’

Fin hooted. ‘Aw come on Liv, a man shows up here in a tie, asking you to dinner, and it’s not a date?’

‘Not everyone shares your aversion to ties Fin,’ said Olivia, shaking her head.

‘Yeah, so anyway,’ said Fin, ignoring her comment. ‘He was totally in love with you, but you always had this kinda off taste when it came to men. So I figured, you just didn’t want a good guy who was into you. Some women just love the bad boys too much. It’s worked to my favour in more than one occasion, so I can’t complain about it.’ He gave Carisi a wink.

Olivia looked annoyed. ‘Well, I can assure you, that’s not the case for me, Odafin.’

Fin shrugged. ‘Hey, if you turned a corner, I’m proud of you, Liv. I think you finally picked a good one, there.’

‘I’ll tell him you said so,’ said Olivia grudgingly.

‘I mean it took you long enough, is all I’m sayin’...'

‘You still remember who works for who around here, don’t you Fin?’ asked Olivia edgily.

‘Anyway,’ Carisi reminded her. ‘Finn can tell him congratulations himself when we all go for drinks, right?’

Olivia gave Carisi a side-eye. ‘I’ll have to check with Rafa,’ she said evasively.

Carisi grinned. ‘I think Rafael will do pretty much whatever you ask him to, Cap.’

Fin snorted. ‘So that’s how it is with you two, right? Okay, I see how it is.’

‘You know, both of you are getting very tiresome, and I really have a lot of work to do,’ said Olivia tersely. ‘But I will be sure to pass on the invite okay to Rafa, okay Carisi?’

‘Can’t say fairer than that,’ agreed Carisi with a grin, as he and Fin showed themselves out. She suspected they’d have some words to exchange on the subject of her and Rafael, just the two of them, but she was just glad she wouldn’t have to listen to any more of their opinions herself.

When Olivia called Rafael that night, he was instantly willing to agree to meet the gang for drinks.

She also told him that Noah was already looking forward to spending the weekend at his place.

‘Really?’ he asked. ‘That’s so great, Liv. I’m getting a bed delivered tomorrow, and I just got the last touch ups done on the paintwork in his room.’

Olivia smiled at the image, partly wishing she could be there with him, helping with the finishing touches.

‘So it’s his room, now, already?’ She asked teasingly.

‘Well, that’s how I see it, anyway,’ said Rafael, serious. ‘I just want him to feel he’s at home here.’

‘I appreciate all the trouble you’re going to, and I am sure Noah will too,’ said Olivia. ‘But just keep in mind, you don’t need to spoil him, or win him over. He already enjoys spending time with you. There’s nothing there for you to prove, here.’

‘Oh it’s not that,’ objected Rafael. ‘I’m just excited to have you both here. It’ll be an added bonus not worrying about Bruno being with Mami too much, either.’

‘Was she relieved to have the weekend off?’ Olivia asked.

‘Actually no,’ said Rafael. ‘She does like coming over to look after him, anyway, I think she likes his company. But also, she was a bit concerned that whoever she thought I’d been seeing, might have broken it off.’

‘Oh, so she doesn’t know about us, still?’ asked Olivia, secretly feeling a little bit disappointed. She had assumed that having told Noah, they were now pretty much out in the open as a couple.

‘No, I didn’t tell her at all yet,’ admitted Rafael. ‘But for a good reason, Liv. As soon as I tell her, she’s going to want to meet you. I absolutely can’t put her off the trail. She’s unstoppable. And, there will definitely be questions. I think she’s the one from whom I inherited my skills in interrogating witnesses.’

‘I think I'm ready to face the music, scary as it all sounds,’ said Olivia.

‘So you’re really okay with meeting her?’ She could hear the joy in his voice.

‘Yes, Rafa of course I am. She’s your mom. Though, if you remember, I did meet her once before already.’

‘Oh, sure, but that doesn’t count, because it wasn’t as my girlfriend.’

It somehow managed to give Olivia a little thrill to hear him call her his girlfriend for the first time.

‘True enough, though as I recall, you had still somehow managed to convey to her that I drove you crazy.’

‘Yep, and that’s as true today as it was then,’ he sassed her. ‘Okay, well I’m seeing Mami for lunch tomorrow, so I will tell her about you then, and soon after I’ll let you know when you’re up for questioning.’

‘Sounds good,’ said Olivia. ‘Just give me a little notice so I have time to get my affairs in order first. You know- in case I don’t survive her techniques for getting answers.’

Chapter Text

Lucia Barba was already in the restaurant when her son arrived to meet her for lunch. It was a place that had become their usual haunt, a good Dim sum place in Chinatown located not too far from the location of his new office.

Seeing Rafael, her face lit up with affection, and she stood up to give him a warm hug. Then, she held him at arm's length and studied him with care.

‘Mijo, you’re looking too thin, are you eating?’ she asked him, as she released him and he took a seat opposite her.

Rafael laughed. ‘Please, Mami, you know me too well by now, to worry about that.’

The waitress came by, and they both placed their usual orders.

‘I’m your mother,’ Lucia reminded him. ‘It’s my job to worry.’

Rafael nodded. ‘Well, even so, your worries are wasted. If anything, I need to eat less, not more.’

Lucia tutted. ‘And you don’t need me to watch Bruno at the house this weekend anymore?’ She looked at him with concern.

Rafael shook his head. ‘No, Mami, but it’s nothing for you to feel anxious about. I thought you’d be more happy to have the weekend to yourself, and some time to catch up with your friends?’

Lucia frowned. ‘Well, there’s a Bridge Club get-together on Saturday night, but it’s no big occasion.’

‘No,’ said Rafael sternly. ‘This is exactly the sort of thing you need to be doing. I have been taking up too much of your free time as it is. Retirement is supposed to be about doing the things you enjoy.’

‘Ah, but I enjoy looking after Bruno, and I enjoy looking after you.’ she objected.

‘Gracias, Mami,’ he said ‘I appreciate it a lot. But this weekend is for you to do what you want.’

‘Hmmm...,’ said Lucia. ‘And so does that mean you’re just at the house on your own all weekend?’

Rafael rolled his eyes. ‘Mami, if you want to know something, you can always just ask me.’

‘You know how I don’t like to pry,’ said Lucia, coyly.

‘Oh sure,’ Rafael scoffed, as the waitress appeared with their starters. ‘Perish the thought that you would be nosy about my personal life.’

Lucia smiled radiantly. ‘So, there is something going on for you. I knew it. You don’t have to tell me any more, your love life is your own business, Rafael.’ Her eyes, however, shone with curiosity that stood in contradiction to her words.

‘There really isn’t a lot to tell, yet,’ said Rafael. ‘This is something new.’

‘Okay,’ said Lucia, taking a demure sip of her water. ‘Well, it's not for me to interfere. There's just one thing I will say, Rafa, and then I will keep my silence for good. Whoever this is that you’re seeing, if they are not being consistent and they are breaking plans with you, then you don’t need to just put up with that, okay? Better to be on your own, than to be with someone who doesn’t appreciate how wonderful you really are. But, that’s all I will say, and now nothing more.’ She unfolded her napkin on the table, and then she began to refold it. He could see the mammoth effort it was taking for her not to say anything further.

‘That’s already kind of a lot that you have said,’ remarked Rafael.

‘I’m just looking out for you, Mijo.’ Lucia protested.

‘But you don’t need to, Mami. She- I mean, Olivia, that’s who I am seeing, she and I are spending the weekend together, with her son Noah, as well.’

His mother stared at him. ‘No, not Olivia Benson? I thought you two were not even speaking? What happened?’

‘We weren’t, that’s true, but now we are. We put our differences behind us. We were talking as friends at first, and then we got closer, and now we’re in a relationship.’

His mother sipped her water again. ‘Well, I’m really surprised. I hadn’t heard you speak about her in such a long time, not until… wait, didn’t we meet her boy at that mass, at the Tabernacle?’

Rafael nodded. ‘Yes, we ran into Noah there. In a way, that’s how we got back in touch with each other, I suppose. After that, one thing sort of led to another.’ He blushed.

Lucia looked at him. ‘He did seem like a nice young man. And you’re happy?’

He nodded. ‘I am, Mami. I’m so happy, I’m afraid, because I just don’t know how it can last.’ He looked down.

Lucia shook her head. ‘You mustn’t think that way, Rafa. You know what I think, I think this is tu destino. I have always, always that thought you would make a great partner, and, if you had the chance, a great father too. And now finally, you are just getting the chance to live up to your potential.’

Rafael smiled, touched by her words. ‘Mami, please, don’t get carried away. This is very new, and I do want it to work out in the long term, but a lot can still happen. And it’s very new for Noah too. I don’t want to confuse him, or make him feel like he has to accept me in that role, or think of me like that.’

Lucia nodded. ‘I understand, you don’t want to rush them, Rafa. But still, they are so lucky to have you. I always worried that the way you grew up, because your father never gave you a good example.’

Rafael’s eyes clouded over. ‘We don’t need to talk about that Mami.’

She looked at him for a beat, the weight of their shared, painful memories hanging like a dark cloud between them.

‘Well okay. But that doesn’t mean that I don’t get to meet them? You’re busy this weekend, I know, but what about the next?’

Rafael smirked. ‘I’ll see what I can do. But you must promise me that you’ll go easy on Liv, okay, not too many questions?’

Lucia tutted. ‘But mijo, I thought she was a detective. Surely she’s used to a few simple questions.’

‘Actually, she’s a Captain now, Mami,’ he said proudly. ‘And still, my point stands. Can you go easy on her for me, please?’

Lucia grinned, all innocence. ‘For you, Mijo, I will be on my best behaviour. You have my word.’

That Friday night, the first few snowflakes of the season were just beginning to fall. Olivia and Noah packed their bags into an uber in order to make the journey out to Brooklyn.

As their car crossed over the Brooklyn Bridge, they looked back at the Manhattan skyline. The snowfall was growing heavier, a thick flurry which melted gradually into the dark river beneath them. The moon rising over the Hudson and the city skyscrapers both reflected their bright lights off the swirling white flakes.

‘It’s so pretty, isn’t it Mom?’ asked Noah, looking out of the car window with bright eyes, his nose pressed up to the glass.

‘That is a beautiful view,’ she agreed, giving his shoulder a squeeze. Secretly, she was getting a bit anxious they might end up snowed in, but she reasoned with herself that if they did, Rafael’s house was as nice as place as she could imagine to be trapped in. In the event of a power outage, he also had those wood-burning stoves to keep the house well-heated.

The drive to Rafael’s house over the slushy roads was slow, but finally they were pulling up outside.

Olivia made sure Noah was well bundled up before sending him out of the car and up the steps ahead of her to the front door. By the time she had extracted herself, in her bulky winter coat, and her multiple bags from the car, Barba already had the door open. She saw him usher Noah inside and take his coat. He came down the steps to take her bags from her hands, and gave her his arm to make sure that she didn’t slip on the ice on her way up the front steps.

Once inside, she saw that Noah had already disappeared down the hall in search of Bruno. Rafael leaned in to give her a gentle kiss by way of greeting.

‘I missed you this week,’ he told her in a low, gravelly voice, slipping her coat off her shoulders. He dusted the stray snow from the coat off onto the damp welcome mat, before he hung it up for her.

‘Me too,’ she replied softly. ‘Things have just been a bit crazy, you know, with work and everything. But I really would have liked to see you.’ She looked at him now, enjoying the sight of him in his casual clothes, with the top two buttons of his shirt undone. She couldn't help thinking about how nice he would be to come home to, every day.

‘Same for me,’ he replied. ‘Well, for me, the week was more about seeing my Mom, and then getting the room sorted for Noah.’

They made their way into the kitchen, seeing that Noah had already found Bruno sitting in his favourite chair by the wood-burning stove. Noah was sitting on the floor beside the chair petting the dog, who has basking in the attention.

‘Does Bruno like the snow, Uncle Rafa?’ Noah asked.

Rafael tilted his head. ‘I think he doesn’t mind it. Sometimes, he even likes to chase the snowflakes around. That dog is un poco loco.’

‘Un poco loco, what does that mean?’ asked Noah.

‘It means he’s a little crazy,’ said Rafael.

Noah laughed. ‘Bruno’s not crazy, he’s the cleverest boy ever, aren’t you Bruno,’ He stroked Bruno’s ears. ‘Yes, you are. Can we take him to the park tomorrow?’ he looked up at Rafael beseechingly.

‘I hope we can, Noah, once the snow isn’t too heavy. He might not want to be out too long, though, if his paws get cold in the snow.’

Noah nodded.

‘Hey, Noah, I have a room all ready for you upstairs. You want to come up and see it?’ asked Rafael.

‘Sure,’ said Noah, scrambling up from the floor.

Olivia was interested to see the finished room for herself, and the three ascended the two flights of stairs together.

At the top of the stairs, Rafael opened the door of the room, flipped the light switch on, and let Noah go in first to have a look.

‘Oh wow, Uncle Rafa, this is so awesome,’ said Noah, looking around at the furniture and the décor.

There was a queen sized mahogany bed with a blue and grey tartan duvet cover, and a soft fuzzy grey blanket that looked ideal for colder nights folded at the foot of the bed. By the far wall, there was a good sized wardrobe, and a set of drawers which both matched the bed. All the furniture looked like a nice quality vintage set. A soft sheepskin rug was laid out on the floor beside the bed, giving the room a cosy feel.

On the far wall, there was a set of bookshelves, and whilst half were empty, Olivia could see that Rafael had chosen and arranged a few books already so that they didn’t look bare. There was a globe lamp, with a map of the world, sitting on one of shelves and lit up, giving out a soft glow of blue-green light. There was also a little ape figurine standing on one of the shelves, which reminded her of the movie night that the three of them had shared recently. She smiled at the memory.

Some of her favourite details were on the walls, where there hung three large nicely framed prints of contemporary dance posters, with silhouetted dancers draped in fabrics hued in vibrant shades of red and purple. She knew that these prints were something that Noah would like, and the careful choice showed how well Rafael truly knew him.

The amount of effort that had been infused into every detail touched Olivia deeply. She reached out to squeeze Rafael's arm in affection.

‘If you don’t like those pictures, we can change them out no problem,’ said Rafael, a little self-consciously. ‘I wasn’t really sure about the style.’

Noah shook his head, walking up to have a closer look at the art works. ‘No, I love them the most. It’s a very cool room. Thank you.’

‘It’s really something, Rafa,’ said Olivia, giving Rafael’s arm another supportive squeeze. She didn’t know what she had done to deserve a man this thoughtful. She looked at Noah again just in time to see his smile turn to a frown.

‘Honey, are you okay?’ she asked her son.

She was conscious that this room was a big gesture, and so it might be a bit overwhelming when he had so recently found out about their relationship. Maybe things were happening too fast for her son?

‘Yeah, it’s just... I feel a little silly saying Uncle Rafa, still,’ said Noah gesturing to Rafael, and looking apologetic. ‘Just because, you know, he’s not really my uncle.’

‘Well no, not by blood, of course,’ agreed Olivia. ‘We just always called him that, because he’s always been like family.’ Noah had so little biological family of his own, as he was growing up, that Olivia had done her best to populate his life with honorary aunts and uncles, in the hope that he would feel more secure, and less alone.

‘I know,’ said Noah. ‘I just think I’m a little old now, for all that. Also, it feels weird calling him my uncle, now that he’s really your boyfriend.’

‘Okay,’ said Olivia, going to sit on the edge of the bed, and patting it for Noah to come sit beside her, which he did. She put her arm loosely around him. ‘So what were you thinking you wanted to call him?’

‘Well, just Rafa, like you do. Would that be okay?’ he looked up at Rafael, sounding worried that he might be offending him.

Rafael smiled. ‘Noah, of course, that is just fine with me. The important thing is that we can all spend time here together. I don’t care what you call me- well within reason, I suppose,’ he chuckled.

‘And you’re okay with it too Mom?’ Noah asked, looking at her.

‘Sure I am, honey. I forget how grown up you are getting sometimes,’ She gave him a wistful smile, and pushed back some of his curls from his forehead.

‘I really do love the room.’ said Noah. ‘Thanks, Rafa.’ With that, he got up, walked over to Rafael and gave him a quick hug. ‘I’m gonna go back down to hang out with Bruno, before dinner's ready.’ he said then, and started off down the stairs.

Olivia looked at Rafael, who stood frozen to the spot where he had been hugged.

She felt almost as speechless as he looked herself, as she could not remember in recent years seeing Noah hug any adult man at all. She had come to accept that he might not grow up ever having that type of trustworthy male role-model in his life.

Life was full of surprises, she decided, and they were not always the bad kind.

‘You okay?’ She asked Rafael, standing up and walking towards him. She put her arm around him, and they looked at the room together.

‘I am,’ he replied. ‘I’m just- you know, I’m still not really sure what I’m doing with him. I’ve never been very good with kids. I just don’t want to screw it up, that’s all.’

‘Hmmm,’ said Olivia. ‘I don’t know about kids in general, but from what I remember, I think you’ve always been very good with Noah.’

‘Even that first time when I held him?’ asked Rafael, doubtfully.

Olivia smiled at that recollection. ‘Well, look, maybe you had a rough first two minutes or so, but actually, we all do. Most of us, anyway. You’re not as special as you think.’

She pinched his side playfully. ‘Now, I thought we were promised some kind of dinner, or am I going to have to cook it myself?’

'The lasagne’s already in the oven,’ said Rafael smugly, turning to lead their way back downstairs.

Olivia paused, and took one last moment to look around the room before she turned off the light. Her heart felt particularly full as she went to join Rafael and Noah downstairs.

Dinner was a hearty meal of lasagne and garlic bread.

Bruno kept watch at the falling snow outside the window, occasionally pressing a paw to the glass, as if he could actually catch one of the flakes blustering towards the window.

‘It’s really coming down out there,’ said Olivia.

‘I know,’ said Rafael. ‘Hopefully the electricity doesn’t go out at all.’

‘Maybe I’ll get a day off school on Monday,’ said Noah speculatively, breaking off a fresh piece of hot, steaming garlic bread.

‘Careful what you wish for,’ said Olivia. 'If everyone gets snowed in, we might not even be able to get back to Manhattan, either.’

‘So?’ asked Noah. ‘We’re all together and Bruno’s here, we don’t really need anything at home.’

The adults stared at each other.

Olivia couldn’t quite read Rafael’s face. She wondered if he thought things were moving too fast, with her and Noah now taking over his quiet home life for the whole weekend.

Rafael turned his gaze down towards his plate before he spoke.

‘Noah, remind me to show you tomorrow, there’s a little public garden near the end of the street and some of the kids from the area built a snow man there. He looks sort of funny. I always take Bruno by there on our morning walk.’

‘Oh cool, can I get up early tomorrow and go with you?’

Rafael grinned. ‘Of course you can. Though I’m beginning to worry that Bruno prefers you to me, anyway.’

‘That’s silly,’ said Noah. ‘He just likes me because I always play with him. Hey, you know what we should do?’

‘What?’ asked Rafael, topping up both his and Olivia’s wine glasses.

‘We should build a snow-dog to go with the snow man… you know like Bruno. What do you think?’

‘Hmmm,’ said Rafael, looking at Bruno speculatively. ‘I’m not sure my sculpture skills are going to be up to the challenge, but I guess I can try.’ He filled up Noah’s water glass from the jug.

‘Mom can help too, can’t you Mom?’ asked Noah. He looked at Olivia expectantly.

‘You want me to get up at the crack of dawn on a Saturday morning and build a snow dog?’ asked Olivia, appalled. ‘I’m beginning to think the dog isn’t the only one around here who’s "un poco loco".'

‘Aw come on, Mom, it’s more fun if we all go together.’

Olivia looked like her resolve was crumbling.

‘There’s a place nearby to the garden that does a great take away hot chocolate, if that sweetens the deal,’ Rafael told her.

She shook her head. ‘Okay, okay, count me in.’

‘Yes!’ exclaimed Noah, and he smiled broadly, before they all returned to finishing their meal.

Chapter Text

After dinner, Noah, Olivia and Rafael had watched television together on his couch in the living room.

The fire blazed in the wood-burning stove, and outside the snow continued to fall. They had watched a few comedy shows, followed by a late night talk show, until finally Olivia could see that Noah was struggling to keep his eyes open.

‘You tired, honey?’

‘A little bit,’ admitted Noah rubbing his eyes. ‘Where will Bruno sleep tonight?’

Bruno was currently curled up beside the boy at the end of the couch, his nose resting contently on Noah’s lap.

‘Normally he sleeps in his bed down here,’ explained Rafael, gesturing to the well-worn dog’s bed by the fireplace.

‘But could he come sleep with me in my room?’ asked Noah.

Olivia intervened. ‘Honey, Rafa and Bruno have their own routine here. We’re just guests for the weekend, so we don’t want to throw that off for them, okay?’

‘Okay,’ said Noah. ‘I understand.’ He looked disappointed, but he had accepted his mother’s guidance.

Rafael looked at Olivia sideways.

‘Well, you know Liv, when I first got Bruno, I used to let him sleep on his bed up in my room, until he got used to the house.’ He stared at Olivia, and she knew what he was thinking. He thought that maybe Noah was a bit nervous of his first night in a new house, and that he was the one who could use the company. ‘So I’d be okay with it really. If he’s happy to settled down up there.’ He looked at Noah. ‘Fair warning though, that he will wake you up super early in the morning when he wants his walk.’

‘I don’t care about that,’ said Noah, grinning. ‘So can I, Mom?’

Olivia sighed. ‘Once Rafa is okay with it, and Bruno’s happy, then that’s fine with me.’

Noah left the couch, and picked up Bruno’s bed off the floor. He shook the bed to get Bruno’s attention. ‘Hey, Bruno, check it out, you can come hang out in my room tonight. Here boy, come on?’

Bruno jumped gracelessly off the couch and was all too happy to scamper after his new best friend.

‘Night, Mom, night Rafa,’ said Noah, as he made his way out of the room. They soon heard the patter of Noah’s footsteps and the scrambling of the dog’s paws up the wooden staircase.

When they were alone, Olivia turned to give Rafael a look.

‘What?’ he asked, defensive.

‘Remember what I said about spoiling him?’

‘Surely this doesn’t count as spoiling,’ objected Rafael. ‘It’s his first night in a new place. I just don’t want him to feel strange on his own, that’s all.’

‘Hmmm,’ said Olivia. ‘It’s sweet, but you can’t give in to everything that he asks for either. He’s at an age where he needs boundaries too.’ She noticed him yawning. ‘You tired?’

‘Just a little bit,’ he admitted. ‘It was a bit of a rush earlier to get the room together.’

Olivia nodded, moulding herself into his side affectionately. ‘Well, it was worth it, because you really made Noah’s day. His whole weekend actually.’

Rafael smiled softly. ‘I’m just happy that he liked it.’

‘Well, now you’ve added in the free dog as well, I think you can be pretty confident of a five star review.’

He smirked at her. ‘And what about you, how many stars are you going to give me?’

Olivia shrugged. ‘That kind of depends.’

Rafael raised an eyebrow. ‘Depends on what?’

‘On whether the service is up to standard, of course,’ she said, her voice layered in meaning.

Rafael leaned into her, locking eyes with her. ‘What kind of servicing were you looking for, Ms. Benson?’

‘It’s Captain Benson, actually,’ she said, aloofly, though her smile gave her away. ‘And I think I’m going to have to inspect everything you have to offer, in order to make a full decision on my review.’

Her eyes raked hungrily up and down his body, which was simply clad in a now-rumpled blue button down and jeans.

‘Should we take that inspection upstairs, then?’ He asked her, with a glint in his eye.

‘Sounds like a good idea,’ nodded Olivia. ‘You okay to get the lights?’

He nodded. ‘Leave it to me, I’ll meet you upstairs.’

When he reached his room, with the two glasses of water he had brought for the nightstands, he saw Olivia was already dressed in a pair of sheer white pyjamas, and nestled in the centre of his bed. Looking at her so comfortable in his bed gave him a different feeling to the times when he would arrive to bed on his own, like all those other long nights before they had reacquainted.

‘Hurry up and get ready for bed,’ she told him, with intent behind her gaze. ‘I don’t want to have to start without you.’

He laughed out loud. He paused for a second, and looked at the ceiling, thinking of Noah, who was just above them, sleeping.

‘You’re not worried about any noise?’

Olivia shook her head. ‘Nah, we can keep it down. He sleeps with his headphones on, anyway.’

Rafael nodded, and quickly went about his night-time routine in the bathroom. He brushed his teeth and changed into fresh pyjamas. He had only bothered to button one button on his top, as be was fairly sure Olivia would be taking it off within the next five minutes, anyway.

He looked at himself in the bathroom mirror, and allowed himself to smile.

It was still somewhat incredible to him that she was there, and that Noah was there, and even Bruno too. They already felt like they were all becoming a family. He could admit to himself now, that this was exactly what he had been hoping for, on the day he signed the paperwork to buy the place. He had just never expected his dream to ever actually come true. There had certainly been enough of the dark time when it seemed like it would never materialise.

He stepped back into the bedroom. In his absence, Olivia had opened up the novel he kept on his nightstand. She had her reading glasses on, and looked engrossed in the story.

‘Hey, if you’re busy, I can go back out,’ he said with a grin, as he walked up to the bed.

‘Don’t you dare,’ said Olivia, putting down the book, and removing her glasses. She pulled back the duvet cover, and he climbed right in beside her.

‘Nice P.J.s ‘ she remarked, leaning forward to grab the lapels, and draw him in for a lingering kiss. Her hands walked down to the one button, undoing it easily. ‘Shame they can’t stay on.’ She pulled off the rest of the top with a little help from him.

He smiled. ‘Well, you did say something about missing me…’ The duvet had slipped down enough that he could see her sheer muslin pyjama top, and it was easy enough to tell that she wasn’t wearing a bra underneath it.

‘You have no idea,’ said Olivia, sliding on top of him as his head sank down into the pillow.

‘I think that these P.J.s are a whole lot nicer than mine,’ said Rafael, tracing the outline of her left breast with his index finger through the sheer fabric. Her nipples hardened at the attention.

‘I’m glad you approve,’ said Olivia, before trailing kisses along his collar bone, as she slipped her hand inside his pyjama pants. She cupped him in her hand over his underwear, and he sighed. ‘These need to come off too,’ she told him, dragging down the pyjama bottoms from his waist. He willingly helped her get them off the rest of the way.

She looked at him from above, straddling him, and taking in his now dishevelled hair, his broad shoulders and his solid, familiar body with its smattering of greying hair. The look she gave him was nothing short of territorial, and it did things to him.

‘I think you might be a little overdressed yourself,’ said Rafael, reaching up to unbutton her top.

She grinned. ‘One of the few times I’ll ever be overdressed compared to you I think.’ When he had her unbuttoned to halfway, she lifted her arms and pulled the top clean off over her head.

It was something for him to just see her above him, naked from the waist up and taking charge of the situation. It might have been the stuff of one or two fantasies he had over the years, not that she ever needed to know that. He ran his hands along her sides, reverently, his fingers just straying to barely graze the sides of her breasts.

‘Mi corazón,’ he said to her, ‘You are so beautiful.’

She actually blushed. ‘Thanks. You’re not so bad yourself.’

She shimmied out of her pyjama shorts, and then she was half-lying on top of him, propped up at her elbows, in just a lacy pair of white underwear. He hands wandered down to the curve of her ass, caressing her, his fingertips playing with the lace edges.

‘Are these new?’ He asked.

‘Why, you like them?’ She asked with a smile.

‘Yes, very much,’ he nodded. ‘But then, I like you in everything.’

She propped herself up on her bent arms to kiss him again, and then slid one hand inside his underwear, cupping his balls, before stroking him from the base of his penis. She felt him jump to attention, and begin to harden slowly.

His own hand was toying with the waist of her underwear ‘Can I?’ he asked? She nodded, and he slid the underwear down a little, before she reached down a hand to quickly tug them the rest of the way off. She followed suit and helped him to pull off his own underwear, so they could finally press their bare bodies fully up against each other, with no barriers.

‘I missed you, too’ he told her, kissing behind her ear, and along her neck, reaching the spots he knew turned her on the most, and lingering there, while his fingertips simultaneously advanced towards her opening below, and then paused to press firmly against her clit. From above, she pressed herself down on his hand wantonly, and she stroked his penis again, more firmly, taking him in her hand and feeling with satisfaction the trickle of moisture which had already started to emerge.

She looked at him, her hair wild and her pupils fully blown, and her pressing down against him became more rhythmic and insistent. She was so wet, that as he stroked her labia his fingers began slipping inside her, and she groaned at the contact. She used her hand to position him right under her opening, and then she lowered herself down, taking him gradually inside her, as the world seemed to completely fade away from him. He was totally enveloped within her, in body and mind.

She set a lazy rhythm at first in her movements, which he matched, holding on to her hips firmly and thrusting toward her.

As they both came close to the edge, she picked up the pace, and his hands, unmoored, wandered higher, palming her breasts. She gasped as he squeezed her breasts more firmly, and he could feel her climax building as he almost couldn’t hold back anymore himself. She came hard, losing her grip on the bed, and falling into him, almost smothering his face with her breasts, while he was still inside of her. He soon followed, spilling himself into her as she lay on top of him, utterly boneless.

Afterwards, as he came back to earth, he ran his hands along her back, which was covered in a sheen of sweat. He held her pressed to him tenderly. After a moment, he felt himself softening and he slid out of her, turning her so he could still hold her from behind.

By this time, they were both more than a little sweaty, but also well past caring.

After the business of the day, and his more recent exertion, Rafael found himself fighting sleep. He was half conscious as Olivia got up for a moment to clean up in the bathroom, before returning to his embrace. From that point on, they had both soon descended into a very deep sleep.

Chapter Text

In the morning, Olivia was the first to awaken.

She pulled on a borrowed robe, and went to look out the bedroom window. Everything outside was covered in a thick blanket of white snow. The world looked so new. She felt new, as well, she realised, because she was waking up in this house with Rafael in bed beside her, and for the first time her son was also asleep just upstairs.

How different this felt, she considered, from her other life of waking up alone in her apartment.

On the work-free weekend days when Noah had activities on, previously she would have been looking at spending most of her day alone. Sometimes, she started the day by dividing up the hours, and listing all of the things that she had to get done. Keeping busy was a very good way to stop herself from dwelling on things. Still there were times, when if she felt lonely, and the apartment seemed too quiet, that her thoughts had drifted towards Rafael, and then naturally she had wondered if he had ever still thought about her. But now, she didn’t have to wonder anymore.

Rafael was still sleeping soundly in the bed, face down, the duvet having slid down to just below his waist.

She looked fondly at his familiar form. His back was broad, muscular and well-formed. She could imagine how tired he must have been when he fell asleep, after preparing that beautiful room for her son, and then making them all a nice dinner. He gave so much of his energy to both her and Noah, without her ever needing to ask.

She decided that she would take the first shower, and then get started on breakfast for everyone.

After her shower, she got dressed in a warm, dark red knit sweater and a pair of jeans.

She arrived in the kitchen and could see that there were already a few inches of snow out on the deck. She decided to light the wood-burning stove, thinking that it would be nice to have it already burning whilst they all had breakfast together.

In Rafael’s well-stocked fridge, she found eggs, cheese, scallions and peppers, the makings of a very promising scrambled egg breakfast. She was most of the way through her preparations, when she heard noise on the stairs.

It was Noah, who was looking sleepy, but he was accompanied by a very wide-awake Bruno, who seemed more than eager for his own breakfast.

‘Morning honey,’ she said to Noah, pulling him in for a quick hug before he was awake enough to object. ‘How did you sleep?’

‘I slept fine,’ said Noah, taking a seat at the counter. She poured him a glass of orange juice, and he gratefully took it from her hands. ‘Bruno did too, he really likes being up there.’

‘Oh does he, huh?’ Olivia asked, sceptically. Though, hand on heart, she did think the dog was looking especially pleased with himself that morning.

She went looking in the bottom cupboard for the dog food, deciding that there was no point in making him wait until Rafael appeared for his breakfast. As she sprinkled out his meal into his bowl near the door, Bruno nuzzled her leg in gratitude. She had to admit that as dogs went, he was pretty okay to have around.

She washed up her hands and went back to her breakfast preparations.

‘You’re making the food instead of Rafa?’ asked Noah, his nose turned up slightly.

Olivia regarded him.

‘Yes I am, why, is that going to be a problem?’ She realised that Rafael was a very good cook, but she didn’t want her own efforts being cast aside either, especially not by her son. She liked taking care of him, too.

‘No,’ said Noah. ‘I just thought you were a couple where the man does the cooking. You know, like my friend Janie, her Mom goes to work for a big firm, and her dad stays at home and does all the cooking.’

At that moment, Rafael walked in to the room.

He’d showered and dressed in fresh clothes for the day, jeans and a long sleeved henley shirt, and his hair was neatly styled.

‘I think I’ve come in at an odd moment in the conversation,’ he said. He walked over and gave Olivia a chaste kiss on the cheek. He smelled like citrus and spice from his shower and whatever cologne he liked to wear. ‘Morning, Liv,’ he said affectionately. ‘Morning Noah,’ he gave Noah a grin, and began pouring himself some orange juice.

‘Noah was just explaining to me that he thinks I let you do all the cooking,’ said Olivia.

‘I mean all is an exaggeration,’ said Rafael, picking a grape off a bunch that were sitting in a bowl on the counter, and popping it in his mouth. ‘It’s ninety per cent, tops.’

Noah giggled.

‘Hey,’ said Olivia. ‘I am always offering to cook.’

‘I know you are,’ said Rafael. ‘I just like cooking for you both. That's all. It’s no big deal.’

‘Yeah Mom, like I was saying, my friend’s dad does all the cooking in her house.’ Noah paused then, and looked at Rafael a bit awkwardly, perhaps because he was comparing him to a friend’s father, and he was worried it might seem like an overstep.

Olivia wasn't finished with her own point.

‘Yes, but Noah, what you’re talking about there is a stay-at-home husband type of situation, where he’s doing all the house work, and the cooking. Rafa and I, well first of all, we aren’t married. But also, we both work, so we should both be doing some of the chores.’

‘This is a really opportune moment for you to say that, Liv, because with this weather, I was wondering which of us should put out the garbage, and it seems like it might be your turn.’ Rafael spoke smoothly, but there was a glimmer of humour in his eyes.

‘In the snow?’ Olivia asked, outraged, before Rafael cracked up with laughter. Next, Noah joined in, and finally so did she.

‘Seriously, though,’ Olivia said later, as she plated up their breakfasts, ‘I have no problem cooking, or pitching in with anything, Rafa. You know that right?’

Rafael shrugged. ‘Of course I do,’ he said. ‘I just like to cook for you, that’s all.’

‘That’s good,’ said Noah. ‘Cause we like to eat, right Mom?’

Rafael patted her arm. ‘See Liv, listen to your son. You Bensons need to stick to your strengths.’

She glared at him, but her eyes remained playful.

‘So,’ she said. ‘What are we thinking about that walk? The snow looks a bit thick, doesn’t it?’

‘There’s a lot,’ agreed Rafael. ‘The forecast says more later, so if we want to get out, we need to go soon. I have to take Bruno out, or at least try to, anyway, but maybe you guys should stay here. Especially if you don’t have the right shoes?’

‘No, we do, Mom packed our snow boots, didn’t you, Mom?’

Olivia nodded. ‘Yes, I did bring the boots, all right.’ She looked out the window, still unconvinced.

Rafael titled his head. ‘Maybe we could go just as far as the community garden? It gives Bruno a chance to stretch his legs, and we can all get out of the house for a little bit. We might be stuck indoors for the rest of the weekend after that.’

Olivia nodded. ‘Okay, we’ll give it a go.’

An hour later, Olivia and Rafael were in the community garden, dressed in warm coats but still shivering, and looking on as Noah put the finishing touches to his snow-dog.

‘Nice work honey,’ shouted Olivia across the snow-covered garden, as Noah balanced a stick carefully in the snow-dog’s mouth. She snapped a picture with her phone which framed in Noah, Bruno, and the snow creation.

‘Any chance of us getting out of here soon?’ asked Rafael quietly, through chattering teeth.

‘Are you kidding me? I was the one who was ready to leave half an hour ago,’ Olivia reminded him.

‘Yeah, but Noah and Bruno were enjoying the snow so much,’ said Rafael plaintively.

‘I noticed you throwing one or two snowballs yourself too, pal,’ said Olivia, teasingly, as she linked his arm, huddling closer to him for warmth.

‘Well, I didn’t want to be a scrooge about it,’ said Rafael, pulling her in close to him. ‘But really, I do think we should go soon. I’m not sure how long that snow-dog is going to stay standing for, either, honestly.’

Rafael had helped Noah roll a long, oblong snowball, which had a smaller one resting on top, attached by a stick. The legs of the dog were parts of thicker branches they had gathered from beneath a tree.

‘It is a little lacking in structural integrity,’ agreed Olivia.

‘Honey!’ she shouted to Noah. ‘Come on now. It's time for you and Bruno to come back with us to the house and warm yourselves up by the fire, okay?’

Noah looked up and nodded, calling Bruno to follow him. Bruno, who now seemed to follow Noah’s lead unquestioningly, was soon running close behind, trying to keep up with his paws dragging through the thick layer of snow.

‘Did you get a good picture, Mom?’ Noah asked his mother, as he fell into step beside her and Rafael.

‘I sure did. I’ll show you back at the house,’ said Olivia.

She was thinking longingly of a warm fire in the wood-burning stove and perhaps a cup of hot cocoa.

‘Thanks Mom, I can’t wait to send a photo to Conor.’

They exited the garden, picking their steps through the thick snow which was still waiting to be cleared from the sidewalk.

‘I guess that Conor’s family have even more snow than we do, being upstate?’ asked Rafael.

‘Yeah they really do. Conor’s dad has to shovel the whole driveway so they can get the car out,’

‘That’s one good thing about living in the city, they mostly clear the roads for us,’ remarked Olivia.

‘Yeah, but out where they live, they also get to have really big yards, though,’ said Noah.

Rafael looked from Olivia to Noah, and recognised that this was a conversation they had likely had more than once before. He was thought about how she felt, hearing Noah praising Conor’s home, and the way his family lived. He knew she had often doubted herself as to whether she was giving Noah enough, without needing any encouragement.

‘So you like Conor’s house, do you Noah?’ he asked Noah.

‘Well, it’s okay,’ said Noah. ‘But it’s not in the middle of the city, like our apartment. Conor said he’s jealous of me, because I can go to Central Park whenever I want.’

‘You are pretty lucky, all right,’ agreed Rafael. Olivia squeezed his arm.

‘And then, I also get to stay in your house too, now, right Rafa?’

Rafael looked to Olivia, who nodded. ‘That’s true Noah, you can stay in my house too now,’

‘And,’ said Noah ‘The best part is, now I get to share Bruno.’

Olivia looked down at Bruno, whose mouth was hanging open. She could swear he was smiling up at her, except that she knew that it was a crazy thought.

‘Conor has a dog, too, but he’s kinda dumb. Bruno is way smarter than he is.’

‘He actually is a pretty smart dog,’ agreed Rafael thoughtfully. ‘You know, I actually came down the other night to get a glass of water, and there he was in the living room, just studying one of my law books by the fire.’

Noah laughed. ‘No he wasn’t.’

‘I know it sounds crazy, but he was sitting there with it open, using his nose to turn the pages by the fire.’

‘Dogs can’t read though, Rafa.’ said Noah dismissively.

‘That’s what I had thought, but then I am pretty sure he told me that he’s thinking of taking the bar exam next year. Hmm, or maybe it was the bark exam. I don’t want to offend him, but sometimes, it’s kind of hard to figure out his accent.’

‘This is a terrible joke, Raf,’ said Olivia, with a withering shake of her head.

‘Yeah, a dog can’t be a lawyer,’ said Noah shaking his head and rolling his eyes, with the tiniest of smiles.

‘That’s your prejudice talking, amigo.’ said Rafael. ‘Because I’ve heard some of his arguments, and I have to tell you that they are bone-a fide.’

Olivia groaned. ‘Rafa, please stop, I can’t take anymore. And no puns, especially please. Have some self-respect.’

‘Just one more,’ said Rafael. ‘Some people might call him an ambulance chaser, but I would argue that ambulance just drove too close to our front door and so he just couldn’t resist running after it.’

‘No, that’s it, we’re leaving you behind now,’ said Olivia, walking off ahead, and encouraging Noah to come with her.

She linked Noah’s arm and looked back at Rafael with a smirk as they gained a lead on him.

She shouted back in his direction ‘I think you’re the one who needs some boundaries, now, Rafa, between you and those awful “dad jokes.” ‘

The snowball that was hurled in her direction shortly afterwards came as no surprise.

Chapter Text

The snow continued falling for the rest of the weekend, and so Olivia, Rafael, Noah and Bruno spent the majority of their time indoors.

On Sunday morning, Olivia woke up in the warm bed, one arm draped across Rafael's back, and felt about as content as she could ever remember feeling. It felt reassuring to know that Noah was just upstairs. Whenever she was away from her son, she always felt a little something was missing. But here, this weekend, with all of them together in one roof, there was nothing more to want. It has been a truly restorative time.

Rafael had a remarkably well-stocked refrigerator in his kitchen which was full of fresh produce. With him leading on the cooking, and Olivia helping out as much as she was allowed, they all ate very well, with several meals all at the dining together, sprinkled with laughter and lifted by a sense of shared warmth and growing familiarity.

There were several competitive board games by the fireplace, as Rafael had left a few game boxes in Noah’s wardrobe upstairs. They also played cards, read books (or in Noah’s case comic books) and watched movies.

On Sunday, just before lunch time, Olivia walked into the living room and saw Rafael and Noah sitting together on the couch, with Rafael teaching Noah how to play chess, the board laid out on the coffee table. Bruno watched on curiously from his favourite spot by the fireplace.

‘I was just going to make some grilled cheese sandwiches, if anyone wants one?’ She asked.

‘Sounds good, Mom,’ said Noah, not looking up from the board.

‘Yeah, sounds good,’ said Rafael, also not looking up, and reaching slowly to move a piece on the board.

She rolled her eyes, but secretly, she was very happy to see the two of them bonding over a shared acitivty to such a degree.

The weather forecast had said that the snow would begin to melt that evening, so Olivia considered that she and Noah should make their way back to their apartment that night, in order for Noah to be close to school on Monday. She was still sad, however, to think that their weekend was coming to an end.

Later that night, as she packed her bag in the bedroom, she looked up to see Rafael standing in the doorway, watching her pack. She could tell from the expression on his face that he was feeling sad to see them leaving, too.

She sat down on his bed, and beckoned to him to come over to her.

He walked up to her, and she took his hands in hers.

‘Rafa, this has been such a wonderful weekend, for both of us. Thank you so much. I can’t remember the last time I have seen so much of Noah all in one go. He’s been so happy here too. A lot of that is because of you and the effort that you put in to everything.’

Rafael smiled sadly. ‘Well, I had a great weekend as well. I’m only sorry that it’s already at an end.’

‘We should do it again soon?’ asked Olivia, pulling on his hand to encourage him to come and sit down beside her. He sat down next to her and put his left arm around her, holding her against his body and resting his chin on her shoulder.

‘I hope we can. You both have a standing invitation, just so you know. The only problem is that next weekend, Mami wants to have brunch with both of you. If you think you can make it?’ The way he looked at her told her that her answer was important to him.

Olivia smiled. ‘Well, we both knew that was coming. Of course we will be there. For Noah’s schedule next week, Sunday might be better. He has theatre camp on Saturday.’

‘Yes of course, I know a good place near her church where we could go after's she's been to mass,’ said Rafael. ‘I can organise a sitter for Bruno. I won’t do it here, she’d only start cooking elaborate meals and making a huge deal out of it.’

‘Whatever you think, Rafa, after all she’s your Mom,’ said Olivia, pressing her forehead to his. ‘Don’t worry, it’ll be fine.’ She gave him a kiss on the side of his face, his beard scratching her cheek.

‘I’m glad you’re so optimistic,’ said Rafael.

‘Of course I am. I can be pretty persuasive when I want to make a good impression.’

Rafael laughed. ‘Don’t remind me. When I think of all the crazy things I used to do for you in work.’

‘Necessary things, Rafa,’ she corrected him.

He smiled, and tucked her hair behind her ear. ‘Sure, Liv, whatever you say. So, I won’t see you again then, before the weekend?’ He gave her a look of such warmth that she could feel her heart begin to melt. He took her hand in his, holding it gently.

‘You can always sneak away from work and meet me some lunch time. Or call to the apartment for dinner, one evening if you can make it work?’ she suggested.

‘I’ll do my best,’ said Rafael, lifting her hand to his lips and kissing the back of her knuckles. ‘I know it’s silly, but I miss you now when you’re not here. And after this weekend, I feel like I will miss Noah, too. The house feels so different with you both of you here.’

‘It has been really nice,’ agreed Olivia. She looked at him carefully. ‘We still don’t want to rush things too much, either though, Rafa. This is all new, and it’s great, but it’s a big change for Noah too.’

He nodded. ‘I know, and I know he needs time to adjust, and I want to give that to him , it’s just…’

‘Just what?’ asked Olivia, continuing to hold his hand.

‘…I guess sometimes I feel like we’ve already wasted so much time, not being together. I mean, I just know that this is it for me, Liv. There is nobody else for me except you, and no family I want that isn’t just you and Noah.’

Olivia smiled. She let go of his hand to hold his face in her hands, and then she kissed him soundly.

‘That’s how I feel about you too, Rafa. You know that I love you, right?’

‘I know,’ he said, looking down, his face reddening. ‘And I love you, too. And I don’t mean to push for anything you’re not ready for.’

‘Well, I don’t really think you are,’ said Olivia softly. ‘You’re just letting me know what you want. And as luck would have it, I happen to want exactly what you want, too.’

‘I don’t know if I have been clear exactly what it is that I want, though,’ said Rafael, clearing his throat and looking at her, his face raw with emotion.

Olivia rested her palm on his shoulder. ‘Well, reading between the lines, it seems to me that you’d like is more of us all spending time together, and that’s what I would like to happen too. So then if things keep going well, as they have been, then maybe after a while, we could think about making a more permanent change to all of our living situations?’

Rafael looked at her and smiled, his eyes brightening. ‘Well, that’s exactly what I had been hoping for, actually, but I knew it was too early for us to talk about it, really.’

‘Hey, it’s not too early to just talk about something, especially not something you want, Rafa. I always want you to talk to me about this stuff, okay?’

‘Okay,’ he said, and he leaned in to kiss her, bringing her in close and breathing in the scent of her. ‘Thanks Liv,’ He leaned his chin on her shoulder for a minute.

He couldn’t help thinking about what Elliot Stabler had said to him, that eventually he would mess up, and that when he did, Stabler would be there, waiting. He tried to push that intrusive thought out of his mind. Everything was going so well. All he needed to do, was to keep things that way for as long as he possibly could…

The next Sunday came quickly. Olivia and Rafael had both experienced a busy week, with only one all-too-fleeting lunch mid-week in terms of seeing each other at all.

On Saturday, Olivia had ended up having to go to work for a taskforce briefing, so they had not been able to connect. When she arrived at the Mexican restaurant with Noah in tow, it did her heart good to finally set eyes on Rafael again.

He had been joking with his mother just before they arrived, she could tell from his boyish smile. When he recognised her, he stood up straight to greet both her and Noah.

Lucia stood up as well, and she gave Olivia a warm kiss on the cheek.

‘Well, Olivia, it’s certainly nice to see you, again,’ she said. She gave Olivia a knowing smile, which actually did make her feel at least a little bit nervous.

‘Hello, Mrs Barba, it’s good to see you again, too.’

‘And Noah, hello, it’s lovely to see you again, as well. I remember you from that day at the Tabernacle,’ she shook Noah’s hand warmly.

‘Hi, Mrs. Barba,’ said Noah. ‘It’s so nice to see you again,’ he spoke so politely that Olivia felt a surge of pride.

They all took a seat, and the waiter arrived, and began taking orders.

After they had ordered, Rafael poured water for everyone.

‘How was your Saturday at work, Liv?’ he asked her.

‘Oh, too busy,’ said Olivia. ‘Unfortunately, we caught a high profile case.’

‘The missing girl?’ asked Lucia. ‘I saw her picture on the news.’

‘She can’t talk about that, Mami,’ said Rafael quickly.

‘Sorry, I really can’t, Mrs. Barba,’ said Olivia apologetically.

‘No need to apologise,’ said Lucia, with a dismissive wave of her hand. ‘And you can call me Lucia. After all, Olivia, you’re Rafael’s girlfriend now, yes?’

Olivia was startled by her directness, but after a moment she responded. ‘Well, yes, yes I am.’

‘And how long have the two of you been seeing each other?’

Olivia opened her mouth, but Rafael broke in ‘I already told you, Mami, that we have only been dating a short time, just a few weeks.’

‘But they’ve known each other for a very long time, Mrs. Barba,’ said Noah helpfully.

‘Is that so, Noah?’ Lucia asked him, looking at the boy with kind eyes.

‘Yeah, I’ve known Rafa since I was small. He used to visit us, but then something happened and for a while we didn’t see him anymore. Until that day I met you in the church, do you remember?’

‘Yes, of course I remember, Noah,’ said Lucia warmly.

‘So now, Mom and Rafa are together, and sometimes I get to stay at his house now, and I get to share Bruno too.’

Rafael and Olivia looked at each other.

‘And how do you feel about that, Noah?’ Lucia asked him. ‘Do you like staying with Rafa and Bruno?’

‘Sure I do,’ said Noah, taking a chip from the bowl on the table and dipping it in salsa nonchalantly. ‘Rafa’s my friend, and he makes my mom really happy.’

Olivia couldn’t help but smile at Noah’s simple and still innocent way of looking at things.

‘Plus there’s Bruno, too, and he’s the best dog ever.’

Lucia nodded, with a smile. ‘He is a very good dog, isn’t he?’

Noah nodded and bit off half of his chip.

‘Now, Mami, have you managed to gather enough information for one day?’ asked Rafael, as the waiter placed their dishes on the table.

‘Well actually, no, Mijo, because I still haven’t heard from Olivia,’ Lucia regarded her son coolly. ‘Olivia, tell me about your job, it must be very demanding? Do you have to work on the weekend a lot?’

Olivia shook her head. ‘Honestly, no, not as much as I did before. At my level, I get to set my own hours more, so I’m trying to get better at delegating. This weekend was more of an exception, than the rule these days.’

‘That’s good,’ said Lucia approvingly. ‘Rafa is doing so much better since he cut back his hours. He was always working too much before.’

Olivia smiled. ‘Well, I think he might inspire me to cut back a little myself. It certainly seems to have worked out for him.’

Rafael looked at her across the table, his eyes soft. ‘You didn’t say you were thinking of cutting back on your hours.’ He said to her.

Olivia shrugged ‘Well, why not? I’ve earned it. I just need to talk to the chief. Maybe we could even take one of those trips you were talking about.’

Rafael stared at her, his eyes shining. Lucia glanced at her son, and then smiled to herself.

‘Can I come, too?’ asked Noah through a mouthful of chips.

‘Finish your food first, before you speak, sweetie,’ said Olivia. ‘But yes, of course you can come.’

‘Well that sounds like fun,’ Lucia’s smile was dazzling. ‘And you’ve visited the house, as well, right?’ she asked Olivia in a low voice. ‘So what did you think?’

‘It’s a beautiful home, Mrs. Barba.’ said Olivia sincerely. She reached for a chip, thinking they were now on safe ground, conversationally.

Lucia nodded. ‘It is a wonderful house. The only problem is, it’s far too big for just him to be there all the time on his own.’

Olivia’s hand paused mid-way to the chip bowl, and she looked at Lucia, taken aback at how obvious she was being with her hinting.

‘Well, I don’t know, he seems-‘

‘Mami!’ Rafa cut across, with an edge to his voice. ‘That’s really enough about the house okay, she gets the message. We all do.’ He looked at Noah, annoyed that he was listening to this line of conversation.

Lucia threw up her hands. ‘You see how it is, Olivia, I just can’t say anything at all without getting into trouble.’ Her eyes were wide with innocence. ‘Rafa can be so touchy.’

Olivia smirked, as Rafael pointedly changed the conversation topic, by asking Noah how he’d enjoyed his theatre camp. Noah happily began to give a detailed account of the play he was acting in. In all truth, Olivia could admit, she was glad enough herself to be getting a break from being in the line of fire.

Chapter Text

The following Thursday night, it was time for drinks with the gang.

For some reason, when she was getting ready, Olivia had butterflies in her stomach. It was silly, she reminded herself, because she and Rafael had been out for drinks with Carisi, Amanda and Finn on many occasions before. The only difference was that now they were a couple.

Noah was staying with a school friend overnight, which meant they were free to stay out as late as they wished.

She had chosen a form-fitting black dress with cap sleeves, and she wore her hair in loose waves. She had left her make-up understated, but with a bold wine-red lip. When Rafael arrived to pick her up at her door, he did a double take.

‘You look gorgeous tonight, mi corazón,’ he told her, kissing her cheek and helping her to put on her black winter coat.

He himself was wearing grey trousers, a charcoal shirt and a matt black tie, with a grey blazer, his hair neatly styled. She caught a glimpse of the two of them standing both side by side in her hall mirror, and even she had to admit that they made a nice looking couple.

They arrived at the busy bar, and saw that Amanda and Finn had already secured a table.

Amanda whooped when she saw them walk in, and Olivia smiled in spite of herself. It really was good to see Amanda again. She had very much missed working with her.

‘Liv, Barba, good to see you both,’ said Fin, getting up and giving them each a hug.

‘What are y’all drinkin?’ asked Amanda.

Olivia asked for a glass of cabernet, and Rafael requested a whiskey. She went up to the bar, and returned with a round of drinks for everyone.

Olivia looked around and noticed a lot of other off-duty cops were around them.

‘Seems like half the precinct are here,’ she remarked to Fin.

‘Yeah, I guess word got out,’ said Fin. ‘Speaking of word getting out, I hear you two are an official item,’ he said to Rafael. ‘Congratulations, man.’ He reached out to shake Rafaels hand, and then drew him in for a hug. ‘Just remember, you ever hurt her…’ Fin kept his voice low, as Amanda and Olivia chatted on the other side of the table.

‘I know, I know, they’ll never find my body,’ said Rafael. ‘You don’t have to worry about that,’ he said, looking Fin straight in the eye. ‘I don’t intend on ever hurting Liv.’

Fin nodded. ‘See that you don’t.’

Shortly afterwards, Carisi appeared, wearing a tie patterned with candy canes. Joe Velasco and Terry Bruno were not far behind them, and eventually Renee Curry and Kate Silva showed up too. ‘Now it’s really a party,’ said Fin, deciding to order a round of shots for the table.

Rafael had honestly felt a little nervous to meet the squad, but he found that he was really enjoying himself. Carisi was spilling all the gossip about his old colleagues in the D.A.’s office, including who was having an affair with whom, and it was nice hearing about it all from a safe distance. He didn’t miss his old career much at all, he reflected, not compared to the life that he was living now.

Occasionally, he would catch sight of Liv across the table and his breath would catch, when he remembered that she, the most beautiful woman in the room, as far as he was concerned, was actually there with him, as his girlfriend. The awkward nerd he’d been in high school could never have imagined he would end up with a woman as extraordinary as her.

At her own side of the table, Liv was being grilled by Amanda.

‘So, you guys seem really solid, Liv. I’ve got to say, you make a hell of a cute couple. And most of all, you just seem really happy?’ asked Amanda.

‘You know, honestly, I can’t believe how well it’s going,’ said Olivia in a hushed tone. 'We spent all the weekend before last at his place, Noah was there too, and we all went for a walk in the snow together. He cooked for us. Everything just felt organic. It was a perfect weekend.’

Amanda’s smile glowed. ‘I’m so happy for you, all three of you. You really deserve it, Liv. Finally!’

‘It did take me long enough to get there,’ nodded Olivia. And I won’t ever forget the encouragement that we got from you and Carisi. It meant a lot. Thank you Amanda.’

‘We should toast,’ said Amanda lifting her glass.

Then, she looked over Olivia’s shoulder, and her face clouded over. ‘Hey, what’s he doing here?’ she asked Olivia in a low voice.

‘What’s who doing here?’ asked Olivia.

She spun around, coming face to face with Elliot Stabler.

‘Liv, hi,’ said Elliot, with a self-assured smile. ‘Fancy meeting you here. You look great by the way.’ He looked her up and down in appreciation, and Olivia shifted on her feet uncomfortably under his gaze.

‘What are you doing here tonight, El?’ asked Olivia.

‘Now, what kind of a greeting is that?’ asked Elliot. ‘I’m hurt.’

‘Well, I’m here tonight with Rafael,’ said Olivia pointedly. She gestured over to Rafael, who she could see was looking over at the two of them, debating as to whether he should join them. Eventually, he began rounding the table towards them, threading through the throngs of people packed into the bar.

‘You’re not serious. Is that fling you were having with him still going on?’ asked Elliot, his voice incredulous.

‘It’s not a fling, El. We’re together. It’s serious.’

‘Serious?!’ Elliot spat out the word, sending little flecks of saliva in all directions

‘Mr Stabler,’ said Rafael calmly. ‘It’s quite a surprise to see you here.’

‘I don’t know why you’re surprised,’ said Elliot with a sneer. ‘I’m a cop, this is a party for cops. It makes sense for me to be here. If anything, it’s why you’re here that’s the mystery.’

Elliot took a deliberate step towards Olivia, crowding her personal space, and glared at Rafael, as if daring him to object.

‘You’re standing a little too close, there, El,’ said Olivia, clearly uncomfortable.

‘Huh?’ asked Elliot, not taking his eyes off Rafael for a second.

‘She said,’ said Rafael loudly, taking two steps towards Elliot. ‘You’re standing a little close to her. So, be a gentleman and give the lady some space, okay?’

‘Actually, I think you’re the one who needs a little space,’ snarled Elliot. He raised a hand and with two fingers pushed Rafael in the centre of his chest.

Rafael, seeing red, impulsively returned the push, shoving Elliot back with both hands. ‘Don’t ever touch me again, asshole,’ he said angrily.

Elliot looked incensed at the contact, a vein in his neck throbbing as he raised his hand, about to strike Rafael.

Carisi stepped up at this point, grabbed at Elliot’s arm and tried to intervene. ‘Look guys, let’s calm things down,’ he said in a friendly tone, spreading his other hand out in a calming gesture. ‘I’m sure this is all just a simple misunderstanding, and we can clear things up if we just talk it through calmly.’

‘Get your hand offa me, you goofball,’ said Elliot furiously, swinging his arm violently, his elbow making contact with Carisi's shoulder, sending Carisi flying to the ground.

‘Oh, you did not just do that,’ said Amanda, swinging back and sucker-punching Stabler in the stomach. He doubled over, and stumbled, knocking half the drinks off from the table.

When Elliot steadied himself, he stumbled, still winded.

‘No surprise that you two pansies let your women do the fighting for you,’ said Elliot spitefully, sneering at Rafael.

Rafael sprang forward towards Stabler, pushing his chest away from the table.

‘You need to leave us all alone,’ He shouted. 'Nobody invited you here tonight!'

‘Make me,’ smirked Stabler, sauntering towards him, reaching the full height form and towering over Rafael as far as he could. He grabbed him by one shoulder, and Rafael swung out at him in response, punching the side of Elliot’s face. Elliot managed to hold on long enough to return the blow, hitting Rafael squarely on the jawline with painful force. Rafael tasted blood.

Olivia was looking on in horror at the scene that was unfolding. ‘Elliot, stop right now, you need to leave him the hell alone,’ she yelled, trying to get a grip on Elliot from behind, as he lunged forward and sent her stumbling back, bumping into a chair standing behind her.

‘Man, you guys really need to cool it,’ said Fin, trying to step in and separate them.

Fin got a firm grip on Elliot’s shoulder, and yanked him back. At the same point, Carisi had become upright again. He stepped back in and drew Rafael away, too. Elliot broke forward from Fin's grip and swung forward wildly one last time, but missed Rafael and hit Carisi instead, right in the eye.

Carisi clutched at his eye socket with one hand and kept the other hand firmly on Rafael.

‘Aw man, he had to get he eye,’ said Carisi. "I have court tomorrow.'

‘Elliot man, give it a break.’ said Fin ‘This is Liv’s date you’re wailing on here. You’re ruining her whole night. Get a grip, man.’

‘I’m ruining her whole night?’ bellowed Elliot. ‘My whole goddamn life is ruined pal. I waited twenty years for my shot to be with her. After after all that, and after everything we’ve been through, she won’t even give me the time of day, because she’d rather fuck the guy who got my wife’s killer off scot free.’

Olivia was standing nearby, with tears at the corner of her eyes. ‘Elliot, you’re not being at all fair, and this isn’t the time or the place for this, either,’ she said to him angrily, her voice shaking.

‘Well then, when is the time or the place, sweetheart?’ Elliot asked her, viciously. ‘You know what Liv, you really have changed, and not for the better. He sneered in the direction of Rafael, whose lip was now bleeding profusely. ‘That guy?’ he asked derisively. ‘Honestly, I’d have more respect for you if you were whoring yourself on the street, that sleeping with him.’

‘Elliot, you need to go, right now,’ said Fin angrily. ‘You’re all washed up here. And stay away from our station too, from now on. You just crossed a serious line.’

‘Who here is gonna to make me leave?’ asked Elliot, looking around dangerously at the other cops surrounding.

‘Actually, we are,’ said Terry Bruno, and he and Joe Velasco approached, each grabbing one of Elliot’s arms and dragging him bodily out of the bar door and down the street. Fin swiftly went and had a word with the bouncer to make sure Elliot would not be readmitted.

Through blurry eyes, Rafael saw Olivia with tears running down her face before she turned to leave through the back door of the bar.

Chapter Text

As soon as Olivia left the bar, she became acutely aware of the cold temperature outside.

She had forgotten thatleft her coat hanging up by their table. She couldn’t go back inside, or face anybody with how she was feeling at that moment. There were some flakes of snow falling haphazardly through the sky alreadt, and she took her phone out of her purse, wondering how quickly she could get an uber, or if she might even be able to hail down a cab.

‘Hey, Liv,’ shouted a familiar female voice, and the turned around to see Amanda, holding her black coat in her hands.

‘I thought you might need this,’ said Amanda, holding out the garment to her.

Olivia accepted the coat gratefully with a tearful smile.

‘Thanks, Amanda.’

‘No problem,’ said Amanda, nonchalantly. She gestured to a bench for smokers at the side of the bar. ‘Wanna sit down here for a sec?’ she asked Olivia.

Olivia nodded, and sat down beside her friend.

She wiped away at the remaining tears around her eyes.

‘Well, that was a huge disaster,’ she said flatly. ‘I am so embarrassed.’

‘Why are you embarrassed?’ asked Amanda bluntly. ‘The way I see it, Stabler is the one who should be embarrassed.’

Olivia smiled ruefully. ‘Well, maybe if he ever calms down, then he will be.’

Amanda looked up and down the street nervously, as if nervous that Elliot might still be around.

‘It’s okay, Velasco bundled him into a cab at the end of the street. I could see them from here,’ Olivia said, through a sniffle.

‘Well, okay, good, so he’s gone, then.’ said Amanda. ‘Problem over.’

‘It doesn’t feel over,’ said Olivia.

‘Why not?’ asked Amanda. ‘I know things got a bit ugly in there, but at least you kept your cool.’

‘Yeah but Amanda, look at Rafael tonight, and think about what I have gotten him involved in,’ said Olivia sadly. ‘Fighting in a bar? That’s not him, and we both know it. Elliot is never going to let this go. And what he said about me, in front of everyone? He made it sound like I was the other woman in his marriage. He said that in front of all my colleagues. How am I going to show my face in the office tomorrow morning?’ Tears were running down her face again. ‘Rafael deserves someone better, Amanda. Someone younger. Somebody who doesn’t have all of my baggage. He could still have a new family all of his own, and he could-‘

‘Okay, I have to stop you right there, Liv,’ said Amanda, holding Olivia by the arm. ‘First of all, nobody in the entire station takes Stabler seriously, everyone think’s he’s crazy. And if they weren't sure before, tonight was the final nail in the coffin. And I’m not sure everyone’s got the wrong idea, either. You will walk in to that office tomorrow with your head held high, because there is no alternative. He's been gone from the station over a year. That is your home, and you built that place. You understand me?’

Olivia nodded through her tears.

‘And about Rafael, I do agree with you that by and large, bar brawls are not his scene. But this was a terrible one-off, this is not your life together. Usually, I know he would have resisted the bait, but tonight, his defences were down, and we’d all had a few. Hell, even I got provoked.’ Olivia looked at her. ‘Well, okay, maybe bar brawls are more my scene than his, but my point remains, that this was an extreme situation, but he’s not a changed man. He’s the same guy he was when he walked in to this bar tonight, and that is a guy who is very good for my friend, okay?’

Amanda looked at the phone in Olivia’s hand, seeing the rideshare app was open.

‘Were you going to just leave him here, without saying anything?’

Olivia swiped at her eyes. ‘I didn’t know what I could say, Amanda. Everything was going so perfectly, and now it’s all messed up. I have defended Elliot to him too many times. I was so hard on Rafael over the Wheatley trial. And now, he’s always going to feel like he has something to prove. I just can’t watch him get caught up in another fight like this. I don’t think I’m good for him, Amanda, not really. He’s lucky he didn’t end up with something worse than a split lip tonight.’

Amanda shrugged. ‘You know what, maybe he just needed to have it out with Elliot just once, to get it out of his system.’

‘You think?’

‘It’s possible. If you speak to him and tell him this can’t happen again, he’ll listen to you Liv. Barba is devoted to you, and to Noah, and the only thing he wants is to make things work. You can’t let one bad night make you doubt all the good things that you two have to look forward to together.’

Olivia smiled a bit more genuinely, her tears having stopped, finally.

‘I guess maybe we should at least talk things out. He still needs some ice for his jaw, though.’

‘Plenty of ice in the bar,’ said Amanda. ‘But what if you took him home, tonight? You can’t exactly leave him on his own after a blow to the head. What if he has a concussion?’

Olivia glared at Amanda. ‘I see what you’re doing Amanda. But you’re right, I should take care of him.’ She looked down at her hands. ‘Could you bring him out here for me, and I will take him home? I just can’t face the aftermath in there.’

Amanda nodded.

‘Sure I can.’ Impulsively, Amanda leaned forward and hugged Olivia.

‘Liv, you don’t need to be so hard on yourself, you know. You don’t have to be perfect, to deserve to be happy. God knows I’m not.’

Olivia sniffed. ‘Well, you may not be perfect, but from what I saw in there, you do have a mean right hook.’

‘And don’t you forget it,’ said Amanda, with a smirk. She got up and went outside.

A few minutes later, Rafael appeared at the side door, bundled in his coat and looking very sheepish, with the cut on his lip beginning to heal.

He shuffled up to the bench, and sat a little way down from Olivia, sensing she might want the space.

‘Hey, Liv,’ he said quietly.

‘Rafa,’ she said.

He opened his mouth, then paused, not sure how to begin. ‘Look,’ he began, ‘I am really sorry that I let myself get so involved in that. I don’t know what came over me.’

‘This issue with Elliot has been brewing for a while,’ said Olivia. ‘I can’t pretend I had no part in the cause of the problem.’

Rafael shook his head. ‘No, you were the one who kept your cool, and I should have done the same.’

‘I saw what was going on, Rafa. I know he was trying to push you around, and I know that makes you think of your father.’ For some silly reason she felt tears at the corner of her eyes again. She shook her head, as if she could shake the emotions that were overwhelming her away too.

Rafael reached out to hold her hand gently.

‘Yes, but that’s no excuse,’ he replied. ‘I’ve been baited by bullies on and off most of my life. I know how to handle myself, usually.’

She regarded him. ‘You know Rafael, with the life that I have led, I have a lot of people who don’t like me, or might want to tear me down, or even go through you, to get to me. And I really don’t want to be the cause of you getting hurt.’

He looked at her, alarmed. ‘You’re not saying…’ He found he couldn’t finish the sentence.

‘I’m saying… I’m saying that this can’t happen again. You are not a guy who goes around getting into bar room brawls. I can’t have you changing into a guy like that because of me. I love you because you aren’t that guy. Okay?’

He nodded gravely. ‘I understand, Liv. I don’t want anything like this to ever happen again, so it won’t, I promise.’

‘And also,’ she continued, ‘I just don’t want any hint of violence around Noah. I don’t want him growing up thinking that’s how men solve problems. I don’t like the example.’

Rafael looked ashamed. ‘No, I know. I understand that’s not what you want for him. I swear to God, Liv, I do not know what came over me, but it really won’t happen again.’

Olivia looked at him carefully, studying his expression. Finally, she nodded.

‘Okay, then, I guess I should take you home?’

‘You’re still taking me home?’ A small smile stretched across Rafael’s face, before he winced at the re-opening of the cut on his lip.

Olivia sighed, but nodded. She studied him, and then reached out and gently rubbed his chin, examining his cut lip. ‘That looks pretty sore,’ she said, concerned.

Rafael shook his head. ‘Ah, no, I got off lightly. You should see Carisi. I think he’s going to have quite the shiner by tomorrow.’

Olivia dropped her head into her hands. ‘I had forgotten Carisi stepped into the middle of all this.’ She groaned.

Rafael nodded. ‘He was just trying to look out for me. He’s a pretty good friend.’

‘So is Amanda,’ said Olivia, nodding towards the bar which both her friends were still currently inside. ‘I just hope that they never need to get involved in anything like that again.’

She managed to hail an uber for them without too much of a wait. On the drive to her apartment, she and Rafael held hands, and she tried not to think about her perhaps irrevocably damaged friendship with Elliot Stabler.

Chapter Text

The next morning, Rafael woke up with a bruise on his face and a killer hangover. He looked at Olivia’s pretty dress hanging on the back of a chair in the bedroom. A pang of regret hit when he thought back on how beautiful she had looked, and how much promise the night had held at the start, before it all went wrong.

It was he who suggested to Olivia that he should stay away from her and Noah for the weekend, while his face healed, rather than have to explain to him what had happened.

Olivia had felt a tug at her heart, when she realised she wouldn’t see him for the whole weekend. She saw the same regret in his eyes, but she agreed with him that it was for the best. She thought that a little time to herself might even help her to process the events of the night before.

That evening, Noah had agreed to watch one of their old favourite movies, ‘Paddington,’ together. She had popped some popcorn, and had gathered some extra blankets for the sofa to make things extra cosy.

She texted Rafael, to check in as to how his evening was going. She knew that in his heart he would have preferred to spending the weekend with herself and Noah.

After a few minutes, a message came through in response. It was picture of his feet, in slippers, up on the coffee table, with the fire just out front of him, and Bruno curled up in front of the fire.

“Looks like you’re getting along just fine without me.” She texted him back.

She went into Noah’s room. He was finishing up some homework at his desk. ‘Honey, you want some pizza for dinner? I don’t feel like cooking.’

‘Yes please!’ said Noah ‘Can I get pepperoni on mine?’

‘Sure you can, honey,’ she told him, with a grin. She used an app on her phone to order their pizzas, and started to get the table ready for them to eat.

She heard the chime of a text message notification on her phone.

It was Rafael:

“I really miss spending the weekend with my two favourite people actually. I think Bruno does, too.”

She sighed. Then she typed back:

“We’ll have to make up for it next weekend.”

“Maybe early next week even? I should be fine to call over by Tuesday?”

She was happy to agree, not wanting to wait too long to see Rafael again, either.

She knew he might still be feeling insecure following the altercation at the bar, and her reaction to it.

About fifteen minutes later, there was knock on the door. She was taken aback that their pizza could have arrived so quickly. She opened the door, and was surprised to see Elliot Stabler standing there, sporting a purple bruise on his face.

She stood blocking the doorway.

‘El, what the hell are you doing here?’ she asked, annoyed.

‘Liv, I had to see you. I just needed to explain how sorry I am. Can I come in?’ All of his aggression from the night before was gone, and instead he seemed more like a lost little boy.

‘I don’t think that’s such a good idea, El. I think you said more than enough already, last night.’ Some of the unkind words he had said to her would not soon lose their sting, she was certain.

‘Look, Liv, you know how I am. Sometimes the anger just gets away from me. I thought I was doing better, I really did. There was just something about seeing you there, with that guy.’

Olivia saw her neighbour Mrs Simmons was out in the hall, taking a very long time to open her front door, probably listening in on their entire conversation. She sighed in frustration.

‘Okay, El, look, I can give you just ten minutes and that’s it. Noah and I are about to have dinner, and I need you gone before we eat. Is that clear?’

Elliot nodded, and shuffled in. She led him over to the couch and let him sit down, keeping her distance from him.

She looked at her watch. ‘Okay, you don’t have long, so go on, what is it you want to say?’

‘Is he here?’ asked Elliot.

‘If you mean Rafa, then no, he’s working late,’ she lied.

‘Okay, good,’ said Elliot with a smile.

‘Elliot, just so we’re clear, Rafael is still my boyfriend and he often will be here. And I’m past caring how you feel about that. Now, you said something about an apology?’

‘Yeah, of course,’ said Elliot, looking at her with imploring eyes. ‘Liv, I just want you to know how much you mean to me. All those years we spent working together. The way you were there for me and the kids after Kathy died. I truly don’t know where I would be, without you. And I am so, so sorry for the way I spoke to you last night, I was way out of line.’ He sank into the couch and laid his head back, rubbing his temples with both hands. ‘I just got so angry at the thought that you are going to throw yourself away on that guy.’

Olivia sighed.

‘El, we were friends for a long time, before you went away. But that was a long time ago. And even since you came back, there is still a lot that you don’t know about me, and what happened in those years in between.’

‘So tell me,’ said Elliot, reaching out to lay his hand on her arm.

She lifted her hand and removed his, not welcoming his touch. ‘Don’t, El,’ she said, in a soft, sad voice.

Elliot withdrew his hand, clearly stung. ‘I don’t know how the hell I got to be the bad guy, here.’

‘Well, you hit Rafael, and you also hit Sonny and in general you caused a huge scene at the bar last night and ruined our party, for starters.’

‘I didn’t mean to ruin anything, though,’ said Elliot sullenly. ‘That guy was acting like he had the right to tell me to step away from you. How was I supposed to feel?’

‘Actually, El, I had already asked you to take a step back. Rafa was just trying to get you to listen to me, that’s all.’

Elliot grunted. ‘Well I didn’t hear you. Of course I would have listened to you, I would never want you to be uncomfortable.’

‘You could have fooled me, last night,’ said Olivia with a bitter laugh.

‘The thing is, I love you Olivia. And I can’t apologise for it,’ Elliot stared at her, his blue eyes bright with emotion.

Olivia sighed. ‘El, you may say that, but I don’t think that any of this…,’ she waved her hand between them ‘…is what love feels like.’

‘Well, if it isn’t love, then what is it?’ asked Elliot, sounding both hurt and annoyed.

‘I don’t know, El. It feels more like you see me as your territory, and you’re angry someone else has been stepping in on your turf.’

‘You’re not being fair, Olivia,’ said Elliot. ‘You know there’s always been something more between us. Since way back, you and I have had something special. Can you really say you’re ready to just throw that all away, without even giving us a chance?’

‘Maybe it was true once, that we had something special,’ conceded Olivia. ‘But you were also married Elliot. Did you ever think that maybe it would have been better for me for us to have clearer boundaries? Did it ever occur to you that all the what-ifs between us could have been holding me back from building my own life? You went home to a loving family all those years El, and I went home alone.’

‘Hey, don’t blame me for the choices that you made, Liv. You chose to put career before family.’

‘I didn’t see you sacrificing your career for your family, either, El,’ she challenged him.

‘Let’s not make this into some silly feminist debate,’ he replied dismissively. ‘The point is, it’s not my fault if you were alone.’

‘Well then, let me tell you also, it’s not my fault that your marriage was unhappy,’ said Olivia, looking at him coolly.

Elliot sighed. ‘So this is really happening? You’re insisting on staying with him?’

Olivia frowned. ‘Elliot, it’s never been up to you who I date.’

‘You used to care what I thought. You used to ask me.’

‘Well, that was before, and things are different between us now.’

‘Things don’t need to be different,’ said Elliot.

‘Well, none-the-less, they are ,’ said Olivia, firmly. ‘I think we both need a little time apart, Elliot. Things were going really well for me up until last night. I want to put myself first, and Noah first too.’

‘You can’t think be fooling yourself that this guy is good for Noah. What does he even know about being a father?’

‘Actually, he’s great with Noah, El, not that you would know.’ Elliot gave her a contradictory look but maintained a sulky silence.

She heard a sound from the back of the apartment.<

‘Mom?!’ she heard Noah’s voice shout. ‘Who’s out there, did Rafa come over after all?’

Noah stepped into the kitchen, and looked surprised to see Elliot sitting on the couch. He gave Olivia a look she didn't know how to read, but it made her uncomfortable.

‘Oh, hi, Mr Stabler,’ said Noah.

‘Hey buddy,’ said Elliot with a friendly smile. ‘Nice to see you again.’

Noah looked from Elliot to Olivia uncertainly. ‘I was just checking if the pizza was here,’ he said. ‘I can go back to my room?’

‘Actually, honey, Elliot was just about to leave, weren’t you, El?’

Elliot looked affronted, however he nodded and stood up. ‘Yeah, I need to get back to my family, Noah. See you around. Liv, walk me out?’

Olivia nodded. She spoke to Noah, then. ‘Honey can you put the plates in the oven to warm up?'

‘Sure thing, Mom,’ said Noah. He moved back into the kitchen, as Olivia walked Elliot to the door.

She opened the door, and Elliot stepped outside, but lingered.

‘Liv, I know you want space, and I’m giving it to you, okay?’

‘Okay,’ nodded Olivia.

‘But I just want you to know, I’m also not giving up on us. I can’t. I’m still holding out hope that you realise it’s worth giving me a shot.'

‘Elliot, there’s no point to that. I’m sorry, but I have moved on. I just don’t feel the same way about you.’

‘I don’t believe you,’ said Elliot. ‘You’re angry that I chose Kathy over you. But I had to do that, Liv, because of the kids. You just need to understand that.’

‘Elliot, everything you are talking about is in the past. There isn’t anything between us in the present, or the future.’

‘We’ll see about that,’ said Elliot stubbornly. ‘I’ll be out there, waiting, whenever you’re ready to face what’s between us.’

With that, he turned on his heel and left, leaving Olivia staring after him.

Chapter Text

On Tuesday, after a long day at the office, Rafael made the quick subway journey towards Olivia’s apartment. His lip was healed and the slight bruising around his jaw had faded. He had missed seeing Olivia and Noah badly over the weekend, as their company had become such a habit for him.

His mother had been in touch, asking about when she could see Olivia and Noah again, suggesting a small family get-together before she left for Miami for the holidays.

In the back of his mind, thoughts of Elliot Stabler refused to go away. He especially remembered how stubbornly possessive the man had seemed to be of Olivia. Stabler wasn’t the type to back down, that much was clear.

On the other hand, Rafael himself was not one to give up on a fight easily, either. There was also Olivia to consider, however. He knew that the scrap at the bar had upset her profoundly, and perhaps even caused her to question aspects of their relationship. The last thing Rafael wanted was to give her the impression that he couldn’t control his temper. Most days, he was well in control of his reactions to provocation, in his line of work he had to be. But something about Stabler’s refusal to accept him as Olivia’s partner had really set him off.

He thought about stopping at a florist’s shop en route to bring Olivia flowers, but decided that seemed too manipulative, given recent events. He did stop at a good deli to get nice a bottle of wine for her, though, and a box of freshly baked brownies which he thought Noah might enjoy, too.

When he arrived at the door, Olivia greeted him with a warm kiss and a smile, which soothed his worries significantly.

‘We missed you this weekend, Rafa,’ she told him as she took his coat.

‘Then the feeling was mutual,’ said Rafael honestly, as he stepped into the apartment.

‘How was work?’ she asked him, leading the way into the kitchen, where she had a pot of spaghetti boiling on the stove, and a pan of sauce simmering as well.

‘Very busy today,’ he told her. ‘I’m getting a new class action suit together, another workplace harassment issue. Hopefully we can settle before the holidays.’

‘I can’t quite believe it’s almost Christmas already,’ admitted Olivia. ‘I still have a list of things to do, Noah’s presents included.’

‘Let me know if I can help at all,’ said Rafael.

Olivia smiled. She dipped a wooden spoon in the sauce. ‘Come here and taste this for me,’ she said, beckoning to him. ‘Seeing as you’re such a Master chef.’

Rafael smirked, and approached her. He held her wrist in his hand to steady the spoon, and tasted the warm tomato sauce. He licked his lips.

‘Tastes pretty good to me,’ he said. He saw her eyes on his lips, and leaned forward to give her a soft, slow kiss. He pulled back just slightly and said in a low voice. ‘You taste better, though.’

Olivia blushed. ‘Such a smooth talker, as always,’ she said shaking her head. She looked at the bottle he had left on the counter, beside a bakery box. ‘You want to open that wine that you brought?’

Rafael nodded, and reached into a drawer for the corkscrew.

Soon after, Noah arrived into the kitchen, and they sat down to eat.

Over dinner, Rafael asked Noah how school was going, and Noah told him about the new play his theatre group were working on for Christmas.

‘We have a performance in school on the Friday evening right before break. I can get you a ticket if you want to come, Rafa?’ asked Noah, looking at him hopefully.

Rafael grinned, taking a sip of his wine. ‘I’d love to come, thanks Noah.’

Olivia smiled, knowing that it would mean a lot to Noah to have him there, as well as herself, of course.

‘So you won’t have to work, not like last weekend?’ asked Noah, whilst winding some spaghetti around his fork carefully.

Rafael looked at Olivia. ‘No, Noah, I shouldn’t need to do that again. It’s not very common these days for me to work extra hours.’

Noah nodded. ‘I thought you changed your mind when I heard someone here on Friday night, but it was just Mom’s friend stopping by. You know Mr Stabler, right?’

Rafael put down his fork. That was the first he was hearing of Elliot being in the apartment that night. He looked at Olivia, feeling upset that she still hadn’t thought to tell him, as it was now already several days later. However, he also didn’t want Noah to see his displeasure.

‘Yes, I do Noah, I’ve met him before, actually,’ he replied, leaving out the part where he had been shoved, and also punched by the man.

Olivia swallowed, looking uneasy. ‘I mean to tell you he stopped by,’ she said, though something in her eyes made him doubt the truth of her words. ‘He wasn’t here for long.’

‘That’s right,’ said Noah, whilst chewing. ‘He has a very busy job, so he’s away a lot, usually. Even worse than Mom’s job.’

‘Well, that must be tough on his family,’ said Rafael, topping up his water glass. He was starting to feel a bit light-headed, and thought perhaps he should go easy on the wine.

‘I guess,’ said Noah. ‘So, if you’re not working, I guess we can all take Bruno for a walk this weekend, right?’

‘Sure we can,’ agreed Rafael. ‘Once it suits your Mom, too.’ He looked at Olivia, who still appeared to his eyes to be a little uneasy.

‘Of course we can, honey,’ said Olivia.

After dinner, Noah asked to be excused to face-time with one of his school friends about an assignment. Once he was gone, Olivia picked up some of the dishes and headed to the sink to rinse them before placing them in the dishwasher. Rafael followed with the empty glasses from dinner.

‘So, Stabler was here?’ he asked her, in a low voice, unable to conceal the hurt in his tone.

‘I’m sorry I didn’t tell you before,’ she said, putting down the dish scrubber she had been holding, and looking at him, guilt in her eyes. ‘I just didn’t want you to be angry.’

‘Well, I’m not feeling so great right now,’ he said. ‘I thought we had agreed that I was staying away to keep Noah from knowing about the fight, but then it was somehow okay with you for Stabler to be around him?’

‘It wasn’t like that,’ said Olivia. She chewed on her lip, looking anxious. ‘I didn’t know he was going to turn up. There was a neighbour outside and he was standing there, talking about the other night, so I let him in. It was only for a few minutes.’

Rafael nodded, blinking. He was still trying to make sense of why she would have invited Elliot into her home, after the way he had spoken to her on Thursday night. Everything she said was sounding like an excuse to him.

‘And why was he here?’ he asked.

‘He wanted to apologise,’ Olivia admitted. ‘He felt really bad for how he spoke to me.’

‘Well, he should feel bad,’ spat out Rafael. ‘He was totally out of line.’

Olivia sighed. ‘You see, this is why I didn’t bring this up. I don’t want to see you getting like this.’

Rafael looked at her. He was struggling to keep his voice low, conscious of Noah being just down the hall.

‘I’m not allowed to be upset when somebody disrespects the woman I love?’

Olivia shook her head. ‘You know that’s not what I mean. I just don’t want this thing between you and Elliot escalating any further.’

‘Olivia, I have tried everything I could to be civil to that man.’

‘I know that, Rafa,’ said Olivia, her own voice getting a little louder. ‘But it doesn’t change the fact that you two were fighting. I told you already, I can’t be the cause of any more of that.’

‘I don’t think you have as much control over this situation as you like to think you do,’ said Rafael, his tone more harsh than he had intended.

‘Well, I’m doing my best here, Rafa. I spoke to him about his behaviour.’ She sounded defensive.

‘Yes, and I’m sure now he’ll immediately change his ways as a result,’ said Rafael with a bitter laugh.

‘That attitude of yours really isn’t helping.’ Olivia’s voice had an edge to it.

‘Forgive me for suspecting this isn’t just another incidence of the rules not applying to Elliot Stabler.’

‘I’ve let him know he’s not welcome here again, Rafa. What more do you want from me?’

‘Well, maybe just for once you can acknowledge that you are always bending the rules for him. You did it during that interrogation, you did it on Friday night. If anything, I’m the one who’s the fool for believing things were ever going to change.’

‘What are you saying, Rafa?’ asked Olivia, her face stricken.

‘I don’t know what I’m saying,’ said Rafael, shaking his head. ‘I should leave, I need some air and some time to gather my thoughts. Say goodbye to Noah for me?’

Olivia nodded, dumbly, as Rafael departed for the door, without a hug or a kiss goodbye, or even so much as a backwards glance.

It was only after he left that she looked at the bakery box on the kitchen counter and realised that they’d completely forgotten about dessert.

Chapter Text

Rafael had made his way back to his house on autopilot.

It was only when he got to his front door that he remembered his mother was staying the night, that she was still inside, looking after Bruno.

He opened the door and heard the sound of the news on the TV in the living room.

‘Rafa?’ Lucia called out. ‘What are you doing back here so soon?’

He wandered into the living room, and saw his mother ensconced beneath a blanket on the sofa, with Bruno lying at her feet. On seeing Rafael, Bruno lifted his chin and stretched out his paw in his direction.

‘Hi Mom,’ he said sheepishly. ‘I ended up coming home a bit early. You don’t need to stay anymore, unless you wanted to.’

Lucia eyed him suspiciously.

‘First, you need to explain to me what happened. I thought that you were seeing Olivia and Noah tonight.’

‘Yes, Mami, I was over there. I just left a bit earlier than I planned that’s all.’

He rubbed at his temples, feeling a headache coming on.

His mother sat up. ‘Something’s wrong, mijo, and I know it. Sit down, and I will bring you a hot cup of tea, and we can work it out together.’

Rafael sighed, and sat into an armchair. Bruno slid off the sofa and sauntered up to Rafael, setting his chin on his knee. He patted the soft fur on the top of the dog’s head absently.

When his mother returned and held out a steaming hot cup of tea, he felt oddly comforted.

‘Thank you, Mami.’

Lucia moved to sit up in the chair opposite him.

‘Now, tell me, Mijo, what’s the problem.’

Rafael sighed, his eyes downcast. ‘Well, Olivia and I had a sort of a disagreement, I suppose.’

‘But everything was going so well for you two. What has happened?’ she asked, concerned.

‘There’s this man from her past, and he’s not happy that we’re together. He made trouble at a party we were at last week, and things got a bit physical between us.’

Lucia’s mouth dropped open. ‘You got in a fight? Mijo, that’s not like you al all. And also, you’re much too old to be getting into fights.’

Despite himself, Rafael smirked. ‘Thanks a lot, Mami.’

She glared at him. ‘You know what I mean. And what does Olivia say?’

‘She says that she talked to him, and set him straight. But then he was over at her house the next day. I know because Noah told me about it. I don't think she was going to tell me, either.’

Lucia sighed. ‘This sounds like a complicated situation, Rafa. But Olivia loves you, I am sure that she does. And so does her son. Surely you can work through this together?’

Rafael sighed. ‘I don't know if we can, Mami. I just get so angry when she brings him up, you know? He was part of the reason that we weren’t speaking before. I suppose I am just afraid that no matter what I do here, I am still going to lose her again. It was bad enough before, but now that I know what it’s like to have this relationship with her, I don’t know how I can cope if she leaves.’

‘Hmmm,’ said Lucia. ‘And so instead you decided to storm out, so you can be the one to leave first? Is that right?’

Rafael leaned back into the chair and groaned softly.

‘I’ve made a real mess of things, haven’t I?’

Lucia tutted.

‘Here’s my advice, Mijo. Don’t let the sun go down on this disagreement. Call her tonight, make a plan to talk again. You can solve this together. If this man is trying to come between you, all you are doing is playing into his hands by getting so defensive.’

Rafael sighed.

‘You’re very wise, Mami.’

‘Of course I am,’ said Lucia impatiently. She got up. ‘Seeing as you don’t need me tonight, I will head home for the evening.’ She patted Bruno on the head. ‘I can sit with Bruno for you another night, after you work everything out, okay?’ She reached out and put her hand under Rafael’s chin, tilting his face up to look at her more directly.

He looked at his mother with affection. ‘Okay, thanks Mami.’

As soon as his mother left, he poured himself a scotch, and then took his phone out of his pocket. He found Olivia’s number and dialled it. It rang several times before she picked up.

‘Rafa?’ she asked, her voice sounding scratchy. ‘Are you okay?’

‘I’m better now,’ he said. ‘Liv, I’m sorry for how I left things. I was just feeling overwhelmed. I still need to some time to get my head straight. Can we meet up later this week and talk again?’

Olivia sighed on the other end of the phone. ‘Yes, of course we can,’ she said. ‘Noah has band practice after school Thursday, and I have a meeting at Brooklyn SVU around lunch time. I could finish up a little early and visit you at the house?’

‘If you don’t mind, that would be good,’ said Rafael. ‘I’ll be working from home that day anyway.’

‘Sounds like a plan,’ said Olivia. ‘I’m glad you called,’

‘Me too,’ said Rafael. ‘I didn’t mean to worry you.’

‘Well, I was worried,’ said Olivia. 'You know how much I care about you, don't you?'

Rafael sighed. ‘I just need a little time, to get my head together,’ he told her. ‘I can explain myself better in person, I think.’

‘Okay,’ said Olivia, sounding unsure. ‘Well, I guess I should let you go, and talk to you later, then, okay?’

‘Okay, thanks Liv. See you soon.’

‘You too, night,’ said Olivia, sounding a little distant before she hung up the phone.

When Olivia put down her phone, she turned to see Noah standing at the living room entrance.

‘Noah, honey, I’ve told you before about listening in on private conversations.’ She chided him, but her voice was tired.

Noah frowned. ‘Was that Rafa on the phone? What’s wrong? How come he left early, and didn’t say goodbye?’

Olivia sighed. ‘Honey, this isn’t for you to worry about, okay?’

‘But is Rafa still coming to see my show?’ Noah asked, undaunted.

‘I… I think he is, honey.’

‘Now I know something bad happened. Is this to do with Mr Stabler coming by again? Why was he here, anyway?’

‘Noah, not everything that happens in my life is your business, okay? I’m an adult, and I’m entitled to my own personal life. There are some things you don’t need to know about, and there are times when I have a right to my privacy. Do you understand?’

Noah’s face reddened. ‘I understand, Mom, I’m not trying to be nosy. But this problem affects me too. I don’t want Rafa to be upset and I don’t want him to want to leave.’ She heard in the shake in his voice that he was getting upset.

‘Honey, I don’t want to hurt Rafa, either. You know I care about him, I wouldn’t do that.’

Noah looked at her. ‘Well, if you didn’t upset him, then I bet Mr Stabler did.’

‘What makes you say that, honey?’

‘Because he disappears for months, and then he just turns up in our living room, acting like he owns the place, and you’re the one letting him do it.’

Olivia stared a Noah, stung. There were tears forming in the corners of her eyes. ‘Honey, you really don’t understand.’

‘I understand enough,’ said Noah. ‘What’s going to happen now? What about us going to the park with Bruno on the weekend? I wanted to go, I missed him.’ His body was starting to tremble, and he stared at her with a look that hovered between disappointment and betrayal.

‘Well, I’m sure no matter what happens, that you can still see Rafa and Bruno.’ Olivia said weakly.

‘It won’t be the same, though’ said Noah, and he was fully crying now. Olivia walked towards her son, reaching out to take him in her arms. He brushed off her hand roughly. ‘Leave me alone. You’ve ruined everything, I know you have.’

‘Honey, I know you’re upset, but this will all get sorted out, I promise you that.’

‘I don’t believe you.’ Said Noah sniffing and swiping at his eyes. ‘I don’t even want to be here anymore. I’d rather go to Brooklyn and stay with Rafa and Bruno.’

‘Honey, you can’t do that. You’re my son. Your life is here with me, your school is here.’

‘So I’ll get the subway,’ snapped Noah. ‘I don’t want to be here with you anymore. You’re never home anyway.’

‘Noah,’ said Olivia, her voice becoming stern. ‘I know you’re upset right now and I get it, but you can’t talk to me that way. You need to show some respect.’

‘You can’t make me!’ shouted Noah, his face damp with tears. ‘You hurt Rafa, and you’re hurting me, and I don’t respect you for any of it. I’m going to my room, don’t come after me.’ He squinted at her through eyelashes dripping with tears, and turn on his heel, running down the corridor and slamming the door of his room behind him.

Olivia sat on the sofa, exhausted, and held her head in her hands. Now that she was alone, she was unable to stop her own tears from flowing.

Chapter Text

On Thursday afternoon, Rafael slid a pasta bake into the oven before Olivia arrived. He had decided to cook something after he finished work, mostly in order to keep himself busy and settle some of his nerves.

Bruno was resting in his favourite yellow chair in the kitchen, and the house felt serene. He hoped that the quiet atmosphere would help to keep his upcoming conversation with Olivia on a calm track. He was putting on the kettle to make himself a cup of tea when he finally heard a knock at the door.

He hurried to answer it. Olivia was there, looking a bit windswept, under her coat he could see she was wearing a smart blazer and pale pink shirt, clearly coming from a work meeting.

‘Liv, thanks for coming,’ he said, letting her in and taking her coat.

‘It’s no problem,’ she said, ‘I had already needed to call in to Brooklyn SVU about a case this afternoon anyway.’

He nodded and led her into the kitchen.

‘Can I get you anything, tea, or coffee?’

‘No thanks, Rafa,’ said Olivia, as took a seat at the dining table. In truth, she was feeling a little nauseous in anticipation that he might be going to break up with her. She also felt even more queasy when she thought that maybe if he did, she would deserve it.

‘So, you wanted to talk?’ She looked at him apprehensively.

‘Yes, I did,’ he said. ‘I know I got a bit emotional on Tuesday night.’

Olivia sighed. ‘Well, I do understand. Look, Rafa, if you’ve decided that this is all just too much for you, I just want you to know, I won’t hold it against you. If you want to take a step back from all of this, I mean.’ She touched her fingertips together absently, and looked away.

‘Is that what you want, Liv?’ he asked her softly.

Olivia looked at him. ‘Rafa, no, of course not. I love you. You make me so happy. You know that. And my son happens to adore you, too. But this whole situation with Elliot, it’s brought up a lot of things that I had naively thought we had already moved beyond. It seems like some of those old issues are still coming back to bite us. For one thing, I don’t believe that you have ever truly forgiven me for what you see as me taking Elliot’s side, at the Wheatley trial.’

Rafael shook his head. ‘That’s not just a matter of perception, Liv. You pushed me out of your life for years, because you thought I had crossed Elliot. It’s a fact. We can’t gloss over that, or change the past.’

Olivia sighed. ‘I do know handled things badly, then, Rafa. I’ve admitted that. But if you’re going to bring it up every time we have a disagreement…’

‘It’s not…,’ Rafael heard his own voice rising and stopped himself. Olivia gave him a pointed look. ‘Okay,’ he said. ‘I can hear myself. I know that I need to put that anger to rest. It would just be easier for me to do that, if Stabler wasn’t still so frequently reappearing in our lives.’ He looked at her, willing her to understand his perspective.

Olivia nodded. ‘I see your point, and I agree. It’s why I have asked him to stay away.’

Rafael nodded. ‘I appreciate that. I suppose my concern is, that Stabler isn’t one to follow orders, and he doesn’t seem like he’s letting this go.’

‘I understand why you are saying that,’ said Olivia. ‘He has been having a hard time taking no for an answer.’

‘And what exactly has he been asking of you?’ asked Rafael, internally bracing himself for the answer.

Olivia gave him a careful look. ‘Well, you have to understand, that Elliot doesn’t know anything about you and I, or what we have together.’

Rafael shrugged, not sure where she was going.

‘So, what Elliot has been asking, is that I discontinue my relationship with you, and give him a chance. He says he loves me, that we have this whole shared history, and he just won’t give up on the idea that we should be together.’

It wasn’t a surprise, however it still hurt a little bit to hear in Olivia’s own words that her old partner was making such an obviously play for her, and was so determined to see the demise of their new relationship.

‘And how do you feel about all of that?’ Rafael asked Olivia, giving her a tentative look.

‘Rafa, I’ve already made my choice, and it’s you. You know that,’ she said firmly.

‘Well, intellectually you might have chosen me, and you might not want to break a promise out of your sense of honour, but that doesn’t necessarily mean that you have no feelings at all for Elliot,’ said Rafael sadly. ‘It’s obvious to everyone that there was something between you two once.’

Olivia listened, taking in the meaning of his words. ‘So you don’t believe me, when I say that I don’t have those feelings for Elliot?’

Rafael sighed. ‘I don’t disbelieve you, Liv. I know you would never willingly lie to me, or hurt me. I suppose I just can’t help but think that things might have worked out differently for you two. Like for example, if Elliot had been single over a decade ago, and had he not left, if he had gotten a divorce instead. I think that if you had gotten a chance to build a life with him… then you would have chosen that life, and then we would just never have happened.’

‘That’s a really big if, Rafa,’ Olivia said gently.

‘Yes, but, if you could have had any life you wanted, wouldn’t he have been your first choice?’ he looked at her with wide eyes. The dark circles beneath his eyes betrayed the amount of time he had spent awake the night before thinking about exactly that scenario.

Olivia exhaled.

‘Rafael, that’s not a fair question. I was a different person back then, completely different. And it was before I met you. Knowing you has changed me, you know? You’ve changed me, and in ways I happen to like, too, just to add.’ She gave him a stubborn look.

Rafael smiled a very small smile. ‘Well, I feel like that too, but about you. I mean, you’ve made me see the world in a different way. But I told you before.’

‘Yes, about all the colours, the blues and the greens. I remember,’ Olivia’s smile was rueful. ‘You’ve made me see colours I hadn’t seen before too, Rafael. And so, the way I saw Elliot and my relationship with him then, there was something about our dynamic that I had been blind to in the past. There was an aspect to that, around his marriage, and the way our relationship was undermining it, the way my own loneliness fed into his need for attention- there was an ugliness to the true colour of it all that I was just blind to, at the time. Maybe I didn’t even want to see it. But after having you in my life, and seeing your love for me- well, it’s because I’ve seen the ‘colour’ of your love, and because you've shown me what real love looks like, that I can now look back at the past and know that the other relationship just wasn’t the same colour. It wasn’t even on the same spectrum really.’

She shook her head. ‘I probably sound crazy. Does that make any sense at all?’ She looked at him, and he could see that she was looking tired, too, and probably also hadn’t been sleeping well either following their disagreement.

Rafael smiled more fully than before. ‘I think I understand. It’s pretty romantic, actually, when you put it that way.’ His tone was almost teasing, despite the seriousness of their conversation.

Olivia blushed. ‘Well, I guess you just bring out that side of me, Rafa.’

‘Olivia, I need to ask you one thing,’ Rafael said, his eyes growing serious. ‘If Elliot comes around to your place again, as we both know he might someday, and if he tries to pressure you to reconsider our relationship again, how are you planning on handling that?’

Olivia paused. ‘Well, I have told him to keep his distance. So, if he doesn’t respect that, I will have to keep him at a distance. I won’t be letting him into the apartment again, and I don’t need to entertain any more of his advances. I’m sorry I wasn’t firmer with him before. For some reason, I still react to him like I did when he was a senior detective and I was the junior one. But now, I’m aware the problem my deferring to him as caused for you and me, I can do better. You’re my priority, Rafa. You and Noah. You’ll see that, if you give me the chance.’

She looked at him, her glittering eyes raw with vulnerability.

Rafael stood up, and walked over to her chair, taking her by the hand. She rose to stand in front of him, looking him straight in the eye. He pulled her close and held her, drawing sustenance from the closeness of her body. He felt her relax into him, too.

‘Liv, I know this has been hard,’ he said. ‘I do believe we’re worth fighting for. I’m just also so afraid of losing you. If I believed it was truly going to happen, then it would be easier to walk away now first, to try and spare myself some of the pain of saying goodbye to you all over again later.’

Olivia held him firmly around his waist, not breaking eye contact. ‘But I don’t want to say goodbye to you Rafa. I’m hoping we don’t ever have to say goodbye.’

He opened his mouth and inhaled, and felt as if he was breathing her soul in. Something unspoken was passing between them, he thought. A sort of promise that wasn’t spoken in words.

He pressed his forehead to her forehead and sighed. ‘I’m glad we talked, mi corazón.’

‘Me too,’ said Olivia. In the background, the timer for the oven started to beep.

Rafael laughed. ‘Right on time,’ he said, feeling the heaviness around their conversation start to lift. ‘Lucky for you, I cook when I am anxious. It’s just a pasta bake. Let me get you a plate,’ he offered.

‘Thanks, Rafa,’ she said. ‘I don’t think I would have been able to eat even ten minutes before, but I think now we’ve talked properly, my appetite has returned.’

Rafael noticed a slight growl from his own stomach, and realised that he was feeling the same.

They soon sat down to share a simple meal together, before Olivia needed to head home to Noah.

Chapter Text

On Friday afternoon, Olivia sat in her apartment by the counter, cup of tea in hand, and waited for Noah to get home from school.

The atmosphere in the apartment had been tense all week.

Noah had still been holed up in his room doing homework after band practice on Thursday night, which had been a theme for the week. Then, a work call had come in for her, followed by another, and she so hadn’t had the chance to talk to him properly about the situation with Rafael before he turned in for the night.

She hoped that hearing things were good between herself and Rafael would restore some peace between herself and her son.

However, she was also aware that there remained a risk to the hard-won peace in her life, if Elliot continued to make a nuisance of himself. This knowledge left her with a lingering sense of unease about the best way forward. Should she just cut Elliot off entirely, or meet with him one more time to explain why they couldn’t go on as before, to prevent him bothering them again? She just couldn't be confident that if she spoke to Elliot again, he would truly listen to and respect her choice.

The sound of Noah’s key in the door alerted Olivia to his arrival.

‘Hi,’ said Noah flatly, as he entered the living area, slowly lowering his backpack to the floor, and not making eye contact.

‘Hey Noah,’ said Olivia, patting the bar stool beside her. ‘Come sit beside me here for a second, I want to talk to you, okay?’

Noah opened his mouth as if he planned to object, but then appeared to think better of it, and shuffled over to sit down beside his mother.

He finally looked at Olivia, his eyes remorseful.

‘I’m sorry for how I spoke to you on Tuesday night, Mom,’ he said in a small voice. It was plain that he had been feeling guilty in the intervening time.

Olivia sighed, grateful for an end in sight to the lingering unease which had been between hanging them.

‘I’m glad you realise why that attitude was wrong, Noah. But also, honey, I want to talk to you about how you’ve been feeling. I know you’re growing up, and you have been worried about me. And I know that you are really happy that Rafael is a part of our lives these days.’

‘Is he still a part of our lives, though?’ asked Noah, looking down.

‘Yes,’ said Olivia, reaching out to gently tilt his chin up with her index finger, so he would look at her. ‘Rafael and I are still together, we’re serious about each other, and about making this work, okay?’

Noah frowned. ‘I know you’re saying that now, Mom, but the truth is that people break up all the time. Even people who are married break up, and you guys aren’t even married.’

Olivia nodded. ‘It’s true that sometimes things don’t work out. But you need to think back, and just be aware that there are not many men that I have ever let into our lives, are there?’

Noah shook his head. ‘No. I don’t really remember Ed.’

Olivia nodded, her eyes understanding. ‘You were very small when we were together. But Ed thought the world of you, Noah. And apart from him, there hasn’t been anyone special enough that I’ve been willing to share what we have with them.’

Noah gave her a look. ‘You let Mr. Stabler take me to Conor’s house that time too, remember?’

Olivia nodded. ‘Yes, that’s right I did. It was an emergency, and I trusted Elliot to take care of you.’

Noah nodded. ‘Okay.’ He still looked unsure.

‘But honey, Elliot was still just a friend. He’s not anything more to me, and he’s not going to be in our lives. Not like Rafa is.’

‘Unless you change your mind,’ said Noah, sticking out his chin.

Olivia sighed. She was beginning to think he was picking up on some of Rafael’s skills for arguing.

‘I’m telling you, that’s not going to happen, honey.’

Noah shrugged. She could tell she still had a way to go to prove herself to her son.

Olivia realised now that the only way she would convince both Noah and Rafael of her commitment was through her actions, and not her words. She needed to work on keeping Elliot and his interference away from them all, and this new, still vulnerable and developing, family unit that they were starting to form together.

‘So,’ she said to Noah. ‘Are you still looking forward to hitting the park with Bruno tomorrow?’

Noah looked at her. ‘We’re still going over?’ he asked, giving her a sceptical look.

‘Of course we are,’ said Olivia. ‘In fact, Rafa said Bruno’s been missing you so much, that maybe we should go over tonight, and not wait for tomorrow. What do you think about that?’

Noah stared at her. ‘I have homework tonight, though.’

Olivia nodded. ‘Well, we don’t have to go, sweetie, we can wait till tomorrow, if you’re not sure.’ She knew this week had been an emotional one for her son, and his mood might not change immediately just because she had shared some more hopeful information with him. ‘They will be just as happy to see you tomorrow.’

Noah tilted his head, thinking. ‘I guess I can just pack my bag-pack, and do my homework there. If we’re really staying all weekend?’ He gave Olivia another careful look, as if he was still waiting for the other shoe to drop.

‘I guess you could bring your books, if you want to go,’ said Olivia. ‘I know Rafa will be very happy to see you too, honey.’

Noah smiled a genuine smile for the first time in a few days. ‘Okay, I can go. I just need to get my clothes together.’

‘I already packed you a bag,’ Olivia confessed. ‘It’s beside your closet. But you go ahead and pack anything else you might need, okay? When you’re ready, give me a shout, and I’ll order us a ride over.’

Noah nodded. ‘Okay, Mom.’ Impulsively, he leaned forward and gave her a quick hug. ‘I’m really glad you fixed things with Rafa.’

‘So am I,’ said Olivia, more to herself than to Noah, who was already retreating in the direction of his bedroom.

When Olivia and Noah arrived at the brownstone, Rafael and Bruno were waiting at the door. Bruno barked joyously at the arrival of his young friend, jumping up to place his paws on Noah's chest by way of greeting. Noah seemed to feel a bit shy around Rafael, offering him only a quick nod and a quiet hello before he led Bruno back through to the kitchen to play with his toys.

Olivia pulled Rafael’s hand and took him into the living room for a sidebar.

‘Rafa, I think it might be a good idea for you to talk to Noah,’ she told him.

Rafael looked surprised. ‘But he doesn’t really know about what’s been going on, right?’

Olivia sighed. ‘I tried to shield him, but he’s just at an age now where he understands so much more. He was worried that we were splitting up. He’s also been worried about Elliot causing problems.’

She saw anger flare in Rafael’s eyes. ‘But this is all wrong, Noah’s just a kid. He shouldn’t be worrying about any of this.’

Olivia nodded. ‘I have to take responsibility for this Rafa. I’m his Mom, and I needed to protect him better from what was going on, by shutting Elliot down sooner. I’m also your girlfriend, and I should have been protecting our relationship from the damage Elliot wanted to do to it. So I guess, I now need you both to forgive me, for letting you down.’

Rafael sighed, his eyes soft. ‘Of course I forgive you, Liv.’

‘Thank you,’ she said, leaning forward to kiss his cheek, over the scruff of his beard. She lingered close to him and smelled the citrus and cedar of his cologne, triggering all of her tense muscles to start relaxing. It was amazing how he already felt like home to her. ‘It means a lot to have you on my side. But Noah... he might be a tougher nut to crack. He’s been so excited to have you back in his life, and he thought I hurt you and was pushing you away. I think he’s still scared now, that he’s going to lose you, too.’

Rafael shook his head. ‘I can talk to Noah, of course,’ he said. ‘I never wanted him to think for even a second that I was leaving him behind.’

‘Thank you, Rafa,’ said Olivia. ‘It feels so good to have someone else to shoulder some of this with me. And I want you to know, that going forward, I’m really going to be doing my best to leave Elliot behind. Having him in my life now just hasn’t been working out for me, or for the two people I happen to love the most.’

Rafael nodded, his green eyes serious. ‘I can’t say I’m not relieved to hear that, Liv.’

Olivia nodded. ‘It’s for the best,’ she said. ‘Maybe in time, it will help Elliot to move on too,’

‘I hope you’re right,’ said Rafael. ‘I just hope he can accept your choice,’

‘I can’t control that,’ remarked Olivia. ‘All I can do is set a boundary that works for you, me and Noah. However he takes that, it’s none of my concern anymore, once he just leaves us in peace.’

Rafael nodded, and drew Olivia in for a gentle hug. She could see the relief in his eyes that they were finally turning a corner and putting the Stabler situation to rest, once and for all.

Chapter Text

That weekend at Rafael’s house turned out to be a time of slow healing.

To start with, Noah had occupied himself mainly with Bruno. He was quiet at dinner on Friday night, and then asked to be excused up to his room after dinner to study. Bruno accompanied Noah up the stairs and sat as he feet whilst he poured over his books, as if he could sense something was amiss with his friend.

Olivia and Rafael sat huddled together on the couch beneath a soft blanket, watching a late show of Rear Window on TV. They both were feeling grateful to have weathered the first storm of their new relationship, but there was still that residual sense of the fragility of their newfound equilibrium.

Rafael leaned his head back on Olivia’s chest, his legs stretched out along the length of the couch. She held him to her with one arm, the other hand carding through his hair with tenderness.

During a break in the movie, she tapped Rafael on the chest.

‘I wonder if it might be a good idea for just you and Noah to go out with Bruno tomorrow,’ she mused.

‘Why do you say that?’ he asked, turning to look at her. ‘Don’t you want to come with us, too?’

‘It’s not that,’ she said. ‘I think Noah needs some quality Rafa time, after everything that happened this week. You were planning to talk to him anyway, but I think it might be better if there’s some time where it is just the two of you. Sometimes it’s easier for him to get things off his chest when he’s engaged in something, so the walk is a good opportunity.’

‘And you’re happy for me to handle this alone?’ asked Rafael, giving her a careful look.

‘Of course I am,’ she replied. ‘I trust you with Noah completely.’

Rafael gave a small smile, and leaned his head back on her chest again. ‘Okay, we’ll do the walk together.’

‘Thanks Rafa,’ said Olivia, dropping a kiss to his forehead.

‘De nada,’ he replied, laying his arm over hers where it rested on his chest, and then turning his attention back to the movie.

On Saturday morning, Olivia lingered under the covers in Rafael’s bed a bit longer than usual. The stress and extra tiredness from the week had caught up with her.

Rafael went downstairs in search of coffee, and saw that Noah was already awake, fully dressed and sitting eating a bowl of cereal at the counter.

‘Hey, Noah, good morning,’ he said. ‘Did you sleep okay last night? Or was Bruno snoring again?’

Bruno, who was working on the breakfast Noah had set out in his dish by the back door, cocked his head at the sound of his name.

Noah smiled. ‘Bruno doesn’t snore, Rafa.’

Rafael went to the sink to fill up the water tank of his coffee maker. ‘So, Noah, about our walk today,’ he said as he turned on the tap. ‘I was thinking, do you mind if it’s just you and me with Bruno? We haven’t got the chance to hang out together in a while, just the two of us.’

Noah looked at him. ‘But what about Mom?’

‘Well, we can leave her to sit by the fire here in the house, with a book to read. I think she’s a little worn out from work this week, and she needs a rest.’

Noah gave Rafael a sceptical look, as they both knew there had been more going on that week than just work stress.

‘Well, if Mom is okay with it, then I guess I don’t mind,’ said Noah.

Rafael looked at him fondly. ‘You’re always looking out for your Mom, aren’t you, amigo?’ He put the water tank into the coffee maker and pressed the on button.

Noah sighed. ‘Well, I try.’

Rafael nodded. ‘It’s not easy worrying about someone when you care about them. I know about that. I worry about Mami, too.’

‘You do?’ asked Noah. ‘Why?’

Rafael leaned back against the counter. ‘Well, when I was growing up, I had a father at home, but he wasn’t really there for me and my mother when we needed him. He had some problems with himself, and sometimes he took them out on us both. Especially my Mom.’

‘But you shouldn’t ever do that to people you’re supposed to love,’ said Noah, looking stricken.

‘You and I know that, amigo. But Papi never learned that. He grew up in a different way, and some of what he learned was wrong. So growing up, I worried about Mami a lot. Eventually, when I was older, they separated, and that was better, because then she was safe all the time. I didn’t have to worry as much anymore.’

Noah nodded. ‘That’s good, because then you were both safe.’

Rafael nodded. ‘That’s true, we were. But the funny thing about worrying is, when your brain gets into the habit of it, sometimes after the thing you were worried about is gone, you just keep right on worrying, anyway.’

‘I think I know what you mean,’ said Noah, looking down.

‘Our brains can play tricks on us,’ said Rafael. ‘It happens to adults just the same as it happens to kids. But sometimes it’s good to remember, not everything we worry about is worth the attention, and a lot of our worries are not real.’ He placed a hand on Noah’s shoulder. ‘You understand what I mean, Noah?’

‘Yeah I do,’ said Noah. ‘I think you mean like how I was kind of worried about how you might leave, before.’

‘Yes, like that,’ said Rafael, squeezing his shoulder firmly. ‘You and me, we are friends for life, okay amigo? I am always here for you, no matter what. You understand?’

‘Yeah,’ said Noah. ‘Thanks Rafa.’

Rafael nodded to himself. ‘Okay, good. Now you finish up your breakfast. I’ll finish this coffee and get dressed, and then we go out together, okay?’

‘Okay,’ said Noah, his face a little brighter than before. ‘Bruno needs to finish his breakfast too.’

‘Don’t worry about Bruno,’ said Rafael. ‘Of course, he can eat so much faster, because he just buries his head in the bowl. He has no table manners. I have tried to teach him, but he resists at every turn. Imagine what your Mom would say, if I tried to eat like that…’

Noah giggled. ‘You couldn’t eat like that, you’d have food all over your beard.’

‘That’s what beards are for,’ said Rafael. ‘They are a great place to keep snacks for later.’ He gave his beard an appreciative stroke.

Noah laughed. ‘You’re gross, Rafa,’ he chortled, going back to finish his cereal.

It was a cold, quiet winter’s day in the park, with frost covering most of the grassy areas.

Rafael, Noah and Bruno made their way through the empty pathways. Noah was in charge of the leash, with Bruno stopping frequently to smell things.

On one such stop, Noah turned to Rafael.

‘Rafa, you know how Mr. Stabler came to our apartment last week?’

Rafael looked at him, his heart sinking. ‘I remember you told me about that, yes, Noah.’

‘Were you upset because he was there?’

‘What did your Mom tell you, Noah?’

‘She said that not everything that happens in her life is my business,’ said Noah with a sigh.

‘Well, it’s true, Noah, that we are all entitled to a private life,’ said Rafael. ‘But I also know that you were looking out for me, and that means a lot to me, amigo. More than you know.’

Noah nodded, looking away after Bruno, who had started in pursuit of a squirrel who was climbing a nearby tree.

‘Well, I don’t mind not knowing what exactly it was Mr Stabler did, once it’s fixed now, and there won’t be a problem again.’

‘Your Mom and I will be doing our best to make sure everything stays fixed,’ said Rafael. ‘When we work together on something, we make a good team, too.’

‘I don’t like it when you fight,’ said Noah.

‘I can understand that, Noah. Sometimes, though, grown-ups do happen to disagree. That doesn’t mean we don’t still love each other… or you know, love you, too.’

Noah looked up at him, and smiled. In the distance, Bruno barked madly at the squirrel.

‘I just want you and Mom to be happy, that’s all.’

‘I’m glad you do, Noah,’ said Rafael, putting an arm around the boy’s shoulder. ‘I want you to be happy too. You and your Mom are both very important to me.’

‘It’s nice to have a guy around, too, you know,’ admitted Noah. ‘I can ask you questions about stuff. It’s nice. I don’t want you to go away.’

Rafael sniffed, his eyes reddening in the cold. ‘I don’t want that either Noah. I promise, I am always someone who is here to talk to you when you are worried, and to answer your questions. You don’t need to be afraid that’s going to stop.’

‘But if you and Mom fight again…’

Rafael shook his head. ‘No, amigo. Your Mom and I will fight again, I can almost guarantee. Because we are both very stubborn, headstrong people. She might not like me saying that, but it’s true. But whatever we disagree about, we will both always care about you, and I will always be there for you, no matter what is happening with your Mom and I. Is that clear?’

Noah looked at him, his face flushed.

‘Yeah, I get it Rafa. I understand.’

‘So basically, no matter what, you are never getting rid of me, okay?’

Noah grinned. ‘That’s okay by me.’

Rafael pulled Noah into his side for a loose hug. ‘I’m glad we could have this talk. It’s nice to have some time just you and me, eh?’

Noah nodded. ‘Yeah, it’s like guy time.’

Rafael laughed. ‘Guy time, I like that. Do you think hot chocolate is usually a thing for guy time?’

Noah tilted his head. ‘Well, if it’s not then it should be.’

‘Okay,’ said Rafael. ‘Come on, let’s get some hot chocolate and make it part of this guy time tradition for the future.’

Chapter Text

While Rafael and Noah were out enjoying their walk, Olivia lit a few candles and indulged in a long bubble bath. Afterwards, she sat on the couch downstairs near to the fire, wearing one of Rafael’s robes, and picked up her phone to call Amanda.

She had sent a text message to her the previous weekend. She had thanked her for her support on the night of Elliot’s bad behaviour, and checked how Carisi was doing, but she still felt guilty for not actually talking to her sooner.

‘Hey, Liv,’ said Amanda when she picked up. She could hear the sound of children laughing in the background. ‘Hang on a sec, I’ll just go in the bedroom,’

Olivia heard the closing of a door.

‘Okay, now I can hear myself think. How’ve you been?’

‘I’ve been okay, Amanda, kind of a crazy week, actually. But I’m sorry for not checking in on you sooner. How’s Carisi? He hasn’t been by my office this week. Is his eye all healed up?’

She heard Amanda sigh. ‘Yeah, he’s okay now, or almost, anyway. We had a bit of a time explaining to the kids what happened to Daddy’s eye. To say nothing of the time he had explaining it to the judge he went before in court last week.’

‘I’m so sorry, Amanda,’ said Olivia, still cringing at the events of that night ‘I never meant for him to get dragged into that whole mess- or you for that matter.’

‘Liv, please, don’t make the mistake of apologising for Stabler. He’s the one whose responsible for his actions. And the way he spoke to you, too. He was a real ass.’

‘I can’t disagree,’ said Olivia. ‘He came to see me the next day, but that only created more problems with Rafa. He was upset that I had even let him in the apartment.’

‘I’m kinda surprised you did myself, Liv, honestly.’

‘I don’t know what I was thinking, Amanda,’ admitted Olivia, absently twisting a piece of her damp hair in her hand as she spoke on the phone. ‘I promised Rafa I’d keep Stabler at a distance from here on out.’

Amanda paused. ‘Liv, I didn’t want to be the one telling you what to do, but I think this is the right call for you. Rafael is the kind of man you deserve. You need to take care of your own happiness first. And Noah needs you to be happy too.’

‘I know,’ said Olivia. ‘Rafael has taken him on a bit of a boys' day today, they went to the park together.’

‘Nice,’ said Amanda. ‘It’s really sweet how those two have bonded.’

‘It is good to see Noah have such a stand-up male role model,’ agreed Olivia. ‘I know he already had Fin, and Carisi…’

‘Yeah, but still,’ said Amanda. ‘It’s different, I get it. Rafael is with you guys more. Have you spoken about Christmas yet?’

‘Honestly, there were times this week that I didn’t even know if we would make it to Christmas,; confessed Olivia. ‘I didn’t want to let myself plan ahead. But, yeah, I’m hoping we’ll all spend it together.’

‘I’m sorry it was that bad. You should have called me, Liv. You know I’m always here if you need to talk.’

‘I do know that, Amanda,’ said Olivia, gratefully. ‘I just had to get my own head straight too.’

‘Well, I’ve been there,’ said Amanda. ‘I’m glad you’re on the other side of it all now.’

‘Me too,’ said Olivia. ‘You have no idea.’

‘Hey,’ said Amanda. ‘We should so something fun with all the kids over the holidays. Ice skating, maybe?’

‘Noah would love that,’ said Olivia. ‘We should make it happen for sure.’

‘I’ll text you about it next week,’ Amanda promised. ‘I should get back to the mess out there, Christmas decorations are being constructed as we speak,’

‘Aw, that sounds so fun,’ said Olivia. ‘Tell Carisi I was asking after him, okay?’

‘Will do,’ promised Amanda before she hung up.

Olivia sat back, and looked around the living room. The spot near the front window was crying out for a Christmas tree, she realised. She decided to broach the subject of the holiday with Rafael later that night, so they could hopefully make some plans together for the season.

Olivia had changed into a soft brown cashmere sweater and dark wash jeans, and was just coming back downstairs when the front door swung open. Rafael, Noah and Bruno had returned from their walk, the cold breeze rushing in the door after them all.

Rafael and Noah both had flushed cheeks and noses from the cold. None the less, could tell straight away from the smile of Noah’s face that the funk he had been in all week had completely evaporated.

‘Welcome back, you two,’ she said warmly. ‘Looks like it was cold out there?’

‘What, cold?’ asked Rafael, ‘Not at all,’ he leaned in to give her a hug and pressed the actually very cold side of his face up against her cheek.

She shrieked with laughter. ‘Rafa, you’re freezing,’ she scolded him, pushing him back gently. ‘You guys go sit by the fire, I’ll make you both some hot cocoa,’

‘Thanks Mom,’ beamed Noah, rushing to take an armchair by the fire, with Bruno faithfully following in his wake.

Rafael wound the wool scarf off his neck and followed her closely into the kitchen.

‘You can stay away from me till you warm up,’ she warned him.

‘Aw come on, Liv, you should want to help me warm up,’ he said, approaching her with come-hither eyes, his arms outstretched. ‘Think of it as what’s yours is mine, but with body heat.’ He quickly slid two ice-cold hands under her sweater, around her sides and up her back. She shrieked again, but couldn’t help laughing.

‘Rafa, did you want that cocoa or not?’ she asked him sternly, pushing him back gently.

He removed his hands from her back, looking downcast. ‘I guess I do want the cocoa,’ he said with a sigh.

‘I take it you boys had fun?’ she asked, placing a saucepan on the stove. ‘I detected a definite change in the mood at the door.’ She opened up the fridge and took out some milk, and half-filled the pan.

Rafael nodded, looking pretty pleased with himself. ‘We had a good talk. He knows if he ever feels worried again, I’m here to listen.’

Olivia squeezed his bicep over his sweater, looking at him in gratitude. ‘Thank you Rafa, you don’t know how much this means to him. And me.’

‘Hey, it’s good for me too,’ said Rafael. ‘Sometimes, us men need some quality time with just the guys, you know? Away from women, and all their constant yammering.’ He smirked.

‘Keep it up, pal, and you’ll be wearing this cocoa in a minute,’ Olivia informed him.

Rafael just smiled at her, and she couldn’t help thinking how great he looked in his cream coloured cable-knit sweater, his hair tousled by the wind and his face still flushed from a day spent outdoors in the cold.

‘You think I’m warm enough to kiss you yet?’ he asked her, as she sprinkled cocoa powder into the pan, and then gave it a stir with a wooden spoon.

She put down her spoon on a rest near the stove.

‘Only one way to find out,’ she told him, and she leaned towards him to kiss his cool, soft lips. The kiss deepened naturally, hot and wet, and it wasn’t until she heard the milk begin to bubble over that she realised how long it had been. She drew back. ‘We can finish that later,’ she told him, with a determined look.

He shrugged and smirked in response, and opened up a jar on the counter to take a chocolate chip cookie.

‘Just name the time, mi corazón,’ he told her, devouring the cookie and then licking his fingers slowly, in such a way that she had to force herself look in the other direction, to stop from staring.

Chapter Text

That Sunday, Olivia and Rafael had taken Noah to the nearby Brooklyn Christmas Market. The market was held inside an old church, and Rafael had seen some posters and thought it might be a good place to do some gift shopping for the holidays.

Rafael and Olivia were browsing through a stand with prints by a local artist. Nearby, Noah was searching through a selection of comic books in an area at the back of the church, looking for a gift for Conor. Olivia’s phone buzzed in her pocket.

She checked it and then gave Rafael an exasperated look.

‘Ginny McCann again, wanting to know about the Catskills this new year.’

Rafael shrugged. ‘I thought we agreed that we’d go up there, just get our own place and take Noah.’

Olivia stared at him. ‘I remember when did said we could, but we didn’t confirm anything. It’s probably way too late to get our own place now, and then we’d end up stuck sharing with them…’

Rafael linked her arm, ‘I know a guy with a place there. I bet we could use it, no problem.’

‘You know a guy?’ asked Olivia, sceptical.

‘I think I do, anyway. Let me try, okay? This would mean a lot to Noah.’

‘I could still get called in on work,’ said Olivia, warningly. ‘There could be an emergency.’

‘So, in that case, then I’ll take Noah, if you like. No big deal. Bruno will love it there, anyway. There's lots of places for him to explore.’

Olivia sighed. ‘You really have this way of just making everything work out don’t you?’

Rafael grinned winningly in her direction. ‘I do my best,’ he said. ‘Unless you really don’t want to go?’

‘No, it's not that,' Olivia looked down. 'It’s just that I had been dreading this since Ginny brought it up, you know. I was thinking that I was going to be up there on my own with the McCanns, sort of like a third wheel, whilst Conor and Noah were off snowboarding or whatever. Of course, now, having you there would make it all so much better, but still…’

‘They make you feel different, somehow?’ asked Rafael.

‘Yes, of course, because of this idyllic life they have, you know. There are so many great things about the life Conor has in their house in the suburbs, you know. Things Noah that doesn’t get to have with me.’

‘You know Liv, from where I see it, most of the difference is just the scenery.’

Olivia shook her head. ‘I don’t think Noah sees it that way.’

Rafael looked over at Noah, who had selected two comics already and had a third he was leafing through. ‘I think he has a very good life here, and what’s more, he knows it. You can’t dwell on every small mistake you make, either Liv. You’re winning the war, with him.’

Olivia smiled. ‘Yeah, he’s a pretty great kid, so far.’

‘So, we’re going to the Catskills?’ asked Rafael.

Olivia paused. ‘This always seemed like something other people did. Don't you think? You know, like those couples who say ‘we took the kids to the Catskills for the weekend,’ and they go on and on about it, and bore everyone with all of their pictures.’

Rafael nodded with a glint of a smile of recognition. ‘I think I’ve also met those people.’ He took her hand in his, intertwining their fingers. ‘So then, just for those few days, and for Noah, you and I can be those people, okay?’

Olivia looked at him sideways. ‘You really think we can pull off normal?’

‘I think we can fool them for a few nights, anyway,’ said Rafael. ‘Long-term, the cracks might start to show.’ He kissed her cheek, before dropping her hand to go approach Noah and see if he’d finished choosing his comic books.

True to his word, by the following Sunday evening Rafael had secured the loan of a cabin in the Catskills from an old friend of his from Harvard.

‘It’s ours. He's spending the holidays in the Bahamas last minute, so it was free. His place is so great, too, Liv,’ Rafael told her, coming into his kitchen, where Olivia was heating up soup on the stove. She smiled to see him look so excited. ‘It has a hot tub and everything, with a view out over the forest, and at night, you can see all the stars too. Just wait until you see those views.’

‘It does sound amazing,’ nodded Olivia.

‘So can I tell Noah?’ Rafael asked her.

Olivia sighed. ‘Go for it. I’m in. You had me at hot tub.’

Rafael grinned, and disappeared in the direction of upstairs, where Noah was finishing his homework before dinner.

Olivia moved the soup pot off the heat, and removed her phone from her pocket to call Ginny and confirm.

‘You can really make it?’ exclaimed Ginny. ‘Gee, that’s so terrific, Olivia. You guys are very welcome to stay with us, we have an extra room for you, and Conor’s room has bunks for him and Noah.’

‘Actually,’ said Olivia, ‘My… my boyfriend, Rafa, he has a place up there he likes to stay when he’s in the area. So we were going to stay with him. But I’m sure if Noah wants to spend a night or two at your place as well, while we are all there, that won’t be any problem.’

‘Ooh, you’re seeing someone?’ asked Ginny, delighted. ‘Oh, that’s so wonderful. I can’t wait to meet him.’

‘He’ll be happy to meet you, too. And Conor of course. He’s bringing up his dog, as well.’

‘Oh, just wait till I tell Matt he’s got another dog lover in our midst!’ said Ginny. ‘He’s got the best trail he can take you all on, and the dogs too. And you’ll have to have dinner with us as well, on New Year’s Eve. We insist.’

‘We really don’t want to intrude on any plans,’ said Olivia. ‘I’m sure you guys want some time to yourself.’

‘Nonsense,’ said Ginny. ‘You and Noah are family, and that’s what the holidays are really about. I’m just thrilled you all are coming, and I know Conor will just be totally over the moon about this.’

Olivia smiled in spite of herself.

‘Well thanks Ginny. We’ll see you all then.’

At that moment, Noah arrived in the kitchen, puffing from having run down the two flights of stairs.

‘Is it true, Mom, we’re really spending New Year’s with Conor and his family up in the mountains?’ he asked.

‘Yes it’s true,’ she smiled. ‘Are you happy?’

‘Sure I am,’ said Noah, ‘This is going to be the best Christmas ever. Thanks Mom.’ He dove in and gave her a fierce hug.

Olivia found herself unexpectedly on the verge of tears. She was so happy and relieved that their relationship was on more solid ground than it had been before.

Rafael arrived down the stairs behind him, and she could see how excited he was that they would be making this holiday season special for Noah.

‘I didn’t know you were so into Christmas, Rafa,’ Olivia remarked. ‘You haven’t even got any decorations up.’

Rafael looked at her like he had just remembered the concept of holiday decorations. ‘You know,’ he said. ‘I had been thinking about getting a tree for the house, but then I forgot. Maybe I should go pick one up some evening early this week.’

‘You definitely should,’ said Noah, his face lighting up. ‘We can put it in the window, where everyone walking by can see it. You can fit a really big one in the living room. I could come over after school and help you decorate it.’

‘Hmmm, well, I’m not sure that’s okay with your Mom, on a school night, amigo.’ Rafael glanced at Olivia.

‘It’s okay with me,’ said Olivia with a shrug. ‘Once you still get to sleep at a reasonable hour.’

‘If you come too, I will Mom,’ said Noah. ‘We can all decorate it together, too. We’re spending Christmas Day here anyway, right?’ He looked at his mother expectantly. ‘We can’t leave Bruno on his own for Christmas.’

Olivia smiled. ‘Well, that depends, on whether we’re invited.’

‘Are you kidding?’ asked Rafael looking mystified. ‘It wouldn’t be Christmas for me unless you two were both were here.’

Olivia looked at him affectionately. ‘Well, I guess that’s our plans for Christmas settled, then.’

Rafael opened up one of the kitchen drawers and took out a pad of paper and a pen.

‘What are you up to?’ asked Olivia with a smirk. ‘Letter to santa?’

‘No,’ said Rafael, throwing her a reproving look. ‘I just figured if I’m going to be doing a lot of cooking for the holidays, then I need to start making a grocery list right now.’

‘Are you gonna make us a turkey?’ asked Noah.

‘Amigo, I am going to make you everything,’ Rafael replied. “A full Christmas dinner with all the trimmings.’

‘Hey, Rafa,’ said Olivia softly. ‘There’s no need to get carried away. It’s still just the three of us here, remember.’

Rafael walked up to her and circled her waist with his arms. ‘Mi corazón, ‘ he said, ‘It’s our first Christmas together, all three of us. Maybe let me go just a little bit crazy, okay?’

Olivia sighed. It was difficult to say no to those puppy-dog eyes he was giving her. ‘Well, look, fine, if it makes you happy.’

‘It does,’ he said, pressing a quick kiss to her cheek, and then turning back towards his list. ‘Noah,’ he said, ‘Come help me with this list. I need you to tell me all of your favourite Christmas dishes.’

Chapter Text

Things were slow at the Special Victims Unit the following Tuesday afternoon, and Olivia was making excellent headway on her paperwork. She checked her watch. With any luck, she speculated, she would finish early and be able to meet Noah after school. She could then get the subway with him over to meet Rafael at the Christmas Tree market.

To the front of her desk, her landline phone lit up with a call from the front desk. She sighed. Perhaps she had gotten her hopes up too soon.

‘Captain Benson,’ said Alex, the receptionist. ‘There’s a Kathleen Stabler here to see you. She doesn’t have an appointment. Should I let her up?’

Olivia was startled at the name. ‘Oh- um okay, Alex, sure, you can send her on up.’

Olivia closed the folder she had been working on and rubbed her temples, feeling stressed. She was very clear that she needed a break from Elliot Stabler, but she wasn’t sure she could quite bring herself to also cut off his kids. She had watched those children grow up, after all, and to an extent they did feel like family, though with the distance of over a decade apart had at least somewhat diluted that feeling.

Kathleen arrived at her office a few minutes later, still well-bundled up in her coat for the cold weather outside.

‘Olivia, thanks so much for seeing me. Sorry, I should have called first.’

Olivia shook her head. ‘That’s no problem, Kathleen. Is there something I can help you with?’

‘Actually, I am trying to plan our family Christmas, and I just wanted to see if you and Noah could come. I already asked Dad to ask you, but he was being weird, and honestly a bit cagey about it. I don’t mean to stick my nose in, but I just thought it would probably mean a lot to him if you guys both came.’

‘Okay,’ said Olivia. ‘I do appreciate the offer, Kathleen, but will I need to pass on that. Noah and I have plans to spend the holiday with my boyfriend, and then after that with some of Noah’s family upstate.’

‘You have a boyfriend?’ asked Kathleen. ‘Dad never said anything about that.’

Olivia smiled a thin smile. ‘Well, he’s aware. Honestly, he hasn’t reacted so well to me seeing someone. So I think it’s better for me to give him a wide berth.’ She deliberately chose not to mention Rafael's name in case Kathleen connected him to the Wheatley case.

‘And it’s serious, with you and this guy?’ asked Kathleen, looking taken aback. ‘Sorry, you don’t have to answer that if you don’t want.’

‘Well, yes it is serious actually.’

‘I guess I can see why Dad might be upset about that. I think he was still holding out hope that something might eventually happen between the two of you.’

Olivia nodded. ‘I understand that he did, but I’ve tried to get through to him that I am in this relationship now.’

‘Okay, I get that,’ said Kathleen. ‘Still, you and Dad do go way back. You don’t want to throw all of those years of friendship away over some guy you’re only seeing a short time, right?’

Olivia frowned. ‘Kathleen, I’m sorry, but you don’t understand my relationship at all. And the fact is, your Dad being so pushy was making things difficult for us, and also for Noah, too.’ She didn't want to go into too much detail about how bad Elliot's behaviour had been, for the sake of his daughter's good opinion of him.

Kathleen nodded. ‘I’m sure I could talk to him, and encourage him to be more reasonable. You must know how hard it’s been for him with Mom and everything. He doesn’t really know how to even think about dating again, after all this time. He's probably more out of practice than anything.'

‘You’re welcome to talk to your Dad, Kathleen, but it won’t change how I feel. I just can’t have him in my life right now. He’s caused too many problems, and he’s not accepting what I want. I can’t just let him wreak havoc on my relationship, either.’

‘If your relationship is so easily shaken, then maybe it’s not so great to begin with?’ suggested Kathleen, looking almost hopeful.

Olivia raised an eyebrow. ‘That’s not the case at all. I’m sorry, I can’t help you here, Kathleen. I do appreciate the offer. I’m here if you need to talk, and if I can ever help you kids I will be there for you. But I still need space from your Dad, for the foreseeable, and that’s all there is to it.’

Kathleen’s face flushed. ‘I don’t think you understand how hard things have been for dad. Grandma hasn’t been at all well, and he’s had a lot of pressure on him.’

‘I’m sure he has,’ said Olivia with a curt nod. ‘But he’s not the only one.’

As if on cue, Fin tapped on her window to alert her they needed her input on a meeting he was in with a suspect.

‘I’m sorry,’ said Olivia, standing up. ‘But I should really go.’

Kathleen nodded, backing towards the office door. ‘Okay, Liv. I can’t say I’m not disappointed in your choice, but I’ll respect it. I’ll talk to Dad too, and see if I can get him focussed on moving on from all this.’

Olivia nodded. ‘I really think that would be best, Kathleen. For everybody, including your Dad.’

The tree Noah picked out for Rafael’s living room was far too big, Olivia was nearly sure. But Noah was adamant, and Rafael still had a hard time saying no to the boy. It had just started to rain, and Rafael and Noah took one end of the tree each in order to carry it back to the house. Olivia led the way, carrying the stand and trying to direct them out of the way of the stream of oncoming pedestrians.

Once back inside the house, Noah and Rafael managed to secure the tree on its stand, and surprisingly it was not too tall but actually had almost a foot above the top to spare. It was a fine tree, a douglas fir with full branches, and not so perfect that it lacked character. After pausing to give the tree a last admiring look, Noah disappeared up to his room to get changed into a dry sweatshirt that he had left up there at the weekend. Olivia had noticed he was really making himself at home in the brownstone, ever since he had that talk with Rafael. It warmed her heart to see her son feeling so secure there.

Olivia proactively took that opportunity of Noah's absence to let Rafael know straight away about Kathleen’s visit. She didn't want to have any secrets from him, especially not about the Stablers.

‘You know, I think maybe it’s a good way to just drive the message home to Elliot, without actually seeing him again,' she finished.

‘I hope you’re right,’ Rafael nodded. ‘Thank you for telling me about it, Liv.’

‘I didn’t want to keep anything from you this time,’ said Olivia. ‘I hope you can understand, too, that I knew Kathleen from the time she was a young girl. I’ve always been there for her as a family friend. I just couldn’t turn her away with no explanation.’

‘Of course I understand that,’ said Rafael. ‘You're a caring person. Elliot’s behaviour is not his children’s fault. I don’t expect you to punish them for it.’

‘Thank you for understanding Rafa,’ said Olivia giving him a soft look. She tugged at the damp cuff of her shirt sleeve. ‘Actually, maybe I could borrow one of your sweaters from upstairs? I think I got a little damp in the rain too. If you don’t mind?’

‘Of course you can,’ Rafael nodded. He cleared his throat. ‘I meant to tell you, actually. I cleared out a drawer, and a few hangers in my closet, just in case you want to keep some things here from now on.’

‘You’re kidding, I get a whole drawer?’ asked Olivia, batting her eyelashes at him playfully.

‘Yes you get a drawer,’ said Rafael, leaning in to give her a warm kiss. ‘You can have more than that, if you want it.’ The look he gave her tugged on her heart.

‘Well, the drawer is a nice start. And closet space too- I know how much that closet real estate means to you, too.’ She pulled on the hem of his shirt, drawing him towards her.

Rafael gave a lopsided smirk. ‘I won’t apologise for having a sense of style.’

‘Honey, I wouldn’t have you any other way,’ said Olivia leaning in for another kiss. After a few moments, a noise alerted them than Noah was in the kitchen, and they both stepped back.

‘If you guys are done being gross, maybe we can get started on the tree?’ asked Noah from the doorway, his tone long-suffering. His smirk, however, let them know that he was mainly in jest.

‘Sure we can,’ said Rafael, blushing just a little bit. ‘Mami actually gave me a whole box of family ornaments we can use. She's not doing a tree at all this year, because she's flying out soon. I have them in the cupboard under the stairs. Come on, Noah, I’ll show you.’

Chapter Text

The following Saturday was Lucia’s last evening in New York before she left for Miami. Rafael had invited her to come out to the brownstone for a small festive party with just himself, Olivia and Noah.

When Rafael arrived home from his walk with Bruno that Saturday afternoon, he stopped outside his house and took in the view of the tree in the window.

The Christmas tree had been fully decorated with ornaments by himself, Noah and Olivia on Tuesday. There was one handmade ornament that Noah had added, it was a large bauble that he had pasted a picture of bruno on to, and hand-painted a red Santa hat to his head. It made Rafael smile, so he had been sure to place it facing the window so he could see it every time he arrived home. He had already added some fairy lights to the tree later that week, and had acquired some pine garlands for the downstairs banister, and two small cranberry wreaths for either side of the front door. The house really both looked and smelled like Christmas now, with the scent of pine in the air.

He entered through the front door, locking it behind him. He let Bruno off his leash, and as the dog scampered off to his water bowl in the kitchen, he kicked off his own shoes. Sleet was already starting to come down outside, so it was pleasant to be back in the warmth of the house. He was also struck by how much his house now felt like a real home. It wasn’t just about the way it looked, but more the way it felt being there now, and knowing that Olivia and Noah would be staying with him over Christmas.

Later that day, Olivia was picking Noah up from his school play rehearsal, and so they would be arriving in just a couple of hours. He still had plenty of time to prepare some pastelitos and other special dishes for the night's menu. He had picked up some golden candle holders with a holly and ivy motif at the church market, and he planned to set the dining table with red napkins and a bit of extra care.

Rafael went upstairs, and changed into a deep purple shirt, and a pair of dark trousers. It felt like a special occasion to be getting all the most important people in his life together for the season, so he had dressed up a little bit. He looked at himself in the mirror, running a hand through his greying hair. He suspected that maybe he actually looked a bit younger lately, and knew that he certainly felt younger, with the prospect of this whole new life with Olivia stretching out ahead of him. It made him feel glad, too, to know that his mother could share a little bit in this new time of life for him and also get an inside view of his happiness.

Downstairs, he pulled on a striped apron over his good clothes, and got started on food preparations. He poured himself a small glass of red wine to sip as he cooked. He turned on the radio on to a station playing classical music and lost himself in the rolling out of pastry and the forming of small parcels with a mixture of sweet and savoury fillings, being careful to place them in separate distinctly coloured bowls.

He had just turned his attention to salads when he heard the knock at the door that let him know Olivia and Noah had arrived.

He went to let them in, absently brushing some flour off from the front of his apron.

‘Hi you two, and welcome. I was busy in the kitchen and I didn’t realise the time,’ he said, standing back to let them in from the cold.

‘Hi Rafa,’ said Noah cheerfully, taking off his coat. ‘Where’s Bruno?’

‘He’s in the living room,’ Rafael told him, helping Olivia with her coat. He noticed that she had brought a good-sized duffel bag of clothes with her, which he hoped meant that she was planning to start keeping some of her things in his room, going forward. He smiled quietly to himself and said nothing.

‘That’s quite a look,’ Olivia told him, looking him up and down.

Rafael smirked. ‘Oh, really, so you can’t resist a man in an apron?’

Olivia smiled. ‘You’ve also got a little flour, right here,’ she brought her hand up to brush his cheek, just above his beard. He leaned into her touch, and then she pressed a gentle kiss to his mouth.

He smiled as he pulled away. ‘What can I say, I’ve just been in there all day slaving away, so you can have a nice meal tonight.’

‘I can’t wait,’ admitted Olivia. ‘I’m sure Noah is starving too, after his rehearsal.’

Rafael nodded. ‘Mami is on her way from her choir practice, she won’t be long.’

He poured Olivia a glass of wine, and Noah one of the Italian sodas he’d bought in already to serve over the Christmas period.

Just as he was removing the first batch of the pastelitos from the fryer, he heard someone at the door again.

‘You’re busy, I’ll get the door, Rafa,’ said Noah, rushing to answer it.

‘Hi, Mrs. Barba,’ said Noah at the door. ‘Can I take your coat for you? Rafa would have come but he’s just taking some food out of the fryer.’

‘Thank you so much, Noah,’ said Lucia, handing him her sleet-spattered coat. ‘You have such nice manners.’ Under her coat, she was wearing a smart brown knit dress with a hint of festive bronze sparkle to the fabric.

Olivia came up behind her son. ‘Hi Lucia, it is so nice to see you again,’ she said. ‘Can I get you a glass of wine?’

Lucia nodded. ‘Twist my arm, why don’t you?’ she said with a crooked grin that reminded Olivia just a little bit of Rafael.

Rafael was just taking off his oven gloves when Lucia came into the kitchen. ‘Mami, Feliz Navidad,’ he said, taking off his flour-covered apron before he gave her a long hug and a kiss on the cheek. ‘Thank you for coming over.’

‘I wouldn’t have missed it,’ said Lucia. ‘I would have come over earlier to help, but I thought you were probably already well supplied with helpers.’ She tilted her head to Noah, who was arranging silverware on the table, and Olivia, who was pouring her out a glass of wine.

Rafael glowed, feeling in his element with everyone coming together in his kitchen over the food. ‘You might regret not coming sooner when you see how I made the pastelitos,’ he warned her.

‘Tonterías,’ said Lucia with a shake of her head. ‘I bet you made them perfectly, Mijo.’

Soon, the four were all sitting down to a candle-lit table laid out with a variety of different and delicious dishes.

‘So,’ said Lucia, after finishing off her second pastelito of the evening, and then choosily selecting a third with a well-manicured hand. ‘Tell me, what are all of you doing for the holidays.’

‘We’re spending Christmas day here, with Rafa,’ piped up Noah, smiling broadly. ‘And then before New Year, me, and Mom and Rafa and Bruno are going to take a trip up to the mountains, where you can go sledding and everything.’ His excitement was palpable. ‘My brother Conor is up there with his Mom and Dad, so I get to spend New Year there with him, too.’

‘Wow,’ said Lucia. ‘That sounds like an amazing trip Noah. You’re a very lucky boy.’ She looked at Rafael as she said the words, and he looked down, smiling.

‘I’m sorry you can’t come too, Mrs. Barba,’ said Noah.

‘Me too, nino,’ said Lucia. ‘Still, it does me good to know that you and your Mom will be taking care of Rafa while I am away.’

Noah nodded seriously, before taking a gulp of his soda.

‘And they are okay giving you this time off of work, too, Olivia?’ she asked Olivia, looking at her with sharp eyes.

Olivia shrugged. ‘Honestly, they have to be. I’ve gotten better at delegating, which helps.’

Lucia nodded approvingly. ‘I can’t wait to hear about your trip when I get back from Miami. Next time, I will cook for you all.’

After everyone had finished eating, Noah asked Lucia if she wanted to play a game of scrabble in the Living room. ‘Rafa says you’re the best scrabble player he knows.’ He told her, clearly expecting her to be most gratified by the compliment.

‘Well, then I guess I will have to prove it,’ said Lucia with a smirk.

‘I’m not sure Rafa has that game here?’ said Olivia, looking at Rafael questioningly.

‘It’s somewhere,’ said Rafael. ‘I think it might have gotten mixed in with some things up in the wardrobe in Noah’s room.’

Olivia nodded. ‘Okay, Noah, come on up and I will help you look. Don’t worry if it’s not there, we can always play another time.’

As Olivia and Noah went upstairs to find the game, Rafael began to load the dishwasher, when he felt his mother’s hand on his arm.

‘Mijo, hold on for a second, I want to talk to you. I see you fixed everything from your disagreement with Olivia before?’ she asked him, looking at him with concern.

Rafael nodded, with a small smile. ‘Yes, thank you for your advice, Mami. You helped me more than you can know.’

Lucia gave a satisfied nod. ‘Don’t mention it, Mijo. Look, there is something I want you to have.’ She fished inside her handbag which was lying on the counter, and pulled out a small velvet box.

‘Mami, that’s not what I think it is.’ His voice was stern.

‘Yes it is,’ said Lucia with a firm nod. ‘It’s your grandmother’s ring.’

Rafael snapped open the box, and looked at the sparkling oval diamond, with two smaller, equally brilliant stones on either side, in a classic gold setting. His breath caught. ‘Mami, we’re not ready for this. She’s not ready.’

Lucia looked at him critically. ‘Mijo, I don’t mean to push you. You do know her best. You’ll know when or if the time is ever right. Even if you never decide to get married, then I really don’t care. I just want you to be happy. It's just now, if the time ever is right, you will be prepared. I won't be around forever, and I want you to have this, and to know that if you ever give it to her, you have my blessing. Okay?’

Rafael sighed. He could feel his eyes sting a little bit just at the corners. He sniffed, and shut the box with a click, before stuffing it into his pocket. ‘Okay, thank you, Mami,’ he leaned across and kissed her cheek.

As he leaned back, she tugged on the collar of his shirt. ‘Mijo, I look around here and I see this life you have built, and I know it wasn’t easy, especially not after the way you grew up. I am so proud of you, I hope you know that,’ She gave his face an affectionate pat.

‘I know, Mami,’ said Rafael in a raspy voice, his throat dry with emotion. They heard footsteps returning down the staircase.

‘Now, let me help you with these dishes so we can get on to the game. However lovely Olivia and her son may well be, there is no way either one of them is ever going to beat me at scrabble.’

Chapter Text

The night of Noah’s school play, Rafael and Olivia had seats in the fourth row, centre.

The play was A Christmas Carol, and Noah had taken the role of Bob Cratchit, in a costume complete with fingerless gloves, threadbare blue scarf and a tattered tweed suit. The performance was charming, with a few liberties taken with the script, and some contemporary jokes that had been written in by the students working on it.

Rafael watched it all with rapt attention, though Olivia could only imagine he had probably seen this play done professionally on more than one occasion, as he was no stranger to the Manhattan theatre scene. He grabbed her hand the first time Noah appeared on stage, and didn’t let it go until they were applauding at the end. Olivia could see from Noah’s face that he had clocked them both sitting in the middle straight away.

At the end, though, in the throngs of people gathering near backstage after the curtain was drawn, it was Rafael that Noah found first.

‘Rafa, did you see me, what did you think?’ Noah asked breathlessly.

Olivia neared them, listening in to their conversation.

‘It was terrific, Noah, You were so good. When you were shivering at the scene in Scrooge’s office, I really believed it was so cold.’

Noah beamed. ‘Thanks Rafa.’ He looked over Rafael’s shoulder to Olivia.

‘Mom, did you see me too?’

Olivia smiled. ‘Of course I did, honey, you were incredible. Why don’t we take you out to dinner to celebrate?’

‘Okay, thanks Mom! Just let me get my bag real quick.’ Noah disappeared back stage for a minute.

Olivia took Rafael’s hand, threading her fingers through his.

‘He’s really happy that you came,’ she told him softly.

Rafael shrugged. ‘No more than you.’ He looked at her conspiratorially. ‘I can’t be the only one who thinks he was the best in the cast.’

Olivia smirked. ‘Well no, but we just think that because we’re his…’ she stopped herself. ‘…because we know him the best I mean.’

Rafael tilted his head. ‘Well, I don’t know, I’m pretty sure that objectively, he was the best. His joke got the biggest laugh by far, you must have heard?’

Olivia smiled. ‘He did deliver it well, didn’t he?’

Rafael linked her arm. ‘Come on, let’s wait for him by the door, I think a smash hit like this deserves dinner and ice cream afterwards, don’t you?’

Olivia sighed. ‘You’ll spoil him, Rafa,’ she grumbled, though she didn’t really put up much of a fight to the plan as he pulled her along.

That Saturday morning, Rafael had woken up to a voice message from his friend and colleague at the firm. She was due to attend a big deposition in Boston on Monday morning, but her mother had just fallen seriously ill. She was wondering if Rafael could cover for her.

Rafael told Olivia about the message over breakfast in her apartment, looking uneasy.

‘Well, it’s only the 23rd on Monday,’ said Olivia. ‘Can you not get a flight back that night?’

‘She had one booked, so she was going to transfer hers into my name,’ said Rafael. ‘In theory it should be fine, but I don’t know, I have a bad feeling. It’s so close to Christmas to travel.’

‘Is it an important case, though?’ asked Olivia, topping up his coffee from the jug on the counter.

‘It’s another big corporate sexual harassment case,’ said Rafael with a reluctant nod. ‘There’s an expert witness to the behaviour of one of the executives, and she flies home to Europe on the twenty fourth. It’s uncertain when or if she’ll be back after that, so it’s kind of our last chance to do a video deposition.’

Olivia nodded. ‘Well, then I think you should go.’

Rafael sighed. ‘I just really don’t want to miss anything with you guys this Christmas. I just have this bad feeling…’

Olivia smiled in understanding. ‘Hey. I am always expecting things to go wrong too, I get it. But Rafa, your work is important. If all goes to plan, we’ll all still have Christmas Eve together. Noah and I can be in the house from Sunday, we can make a start on the preparations, make sure all the right groceries are in. We can take care of Bruno, too. And then you’ll be back on Monday night.’

Rafael looked down at his hands. Olivia reached across and put her hand over his. ‘Really don’t worry about it,’ she told him. ‘We'll still all be together for Christmas.’

Rafael nodded. ‘Well, okay, thank you. And thank you for watching Bruno, too. He likes being at home better than at the dog sitter’s, anyway.’

Olivia nodded. ‘He’ll be well taken care of,’ she said. ‘You know how Noah dotes on him.’

Rafael smiled. ‘They really are as thick as thieves these days.’

‘He loves that dog,’ agreed Olivia. ‘It kind of makes me feel guilty I let him go so long without a pet, when I see how good it is for him to be with Bruno. Especially with him being an only child.’

‘Liv, you can’t think like that,’ dismissed Rafael, with a shake of his head. ‘You have always done your very best for that boy, and it shows, too. Look how confident he is, and see all of the friends he has, and how he can get up on a stage and act in a play. I wish I had been that secure in myself at his age.’

Olivia nodded. ‘Honestly, so do I.’

‘See,’ said Rafael affirmatively. ‘That’s how you know you’ve gotten it right.’

He downed the rest of his coffee. ‘Okay, if I am flying out tomorrow night, I have a few things I better sort out today. See you later, Liv?’

He got up, and Olivia stood to walk him to the door. He gave her a firm kiss on the lips, and then made his way in to the city to run the last of his Christmas errands.

Most of what Rafael had to do that day involved picking up the gifts which he had purchased in advance for Olivia and Noah.

Of course, he still had the ring his mother had given him, tucked away safely in the bottom of his sock drawer.

However, he genuinely believed in his heart that it was far too soon to broach the subject of marriage with Olivia. In truth, he had felt ready to give over his hand and heart to Olivia Benson for several years. It was hard for him to remember a time when he hadn’t been in love with her. However, he knew that for her, for many reasons, commitment hadn’t come so easy. Thee last thing he wanted to do now was to ruin the positive track that they were on, by rushing her to run before she could even walk.

For Rafael, clearing out a drawer was just the beginning, and he was starting to hope that one day they would soon move on to Olivia and Noah living in the house with him.

Even If Olivia wanted the two of them to rent or buy a new place together, so that they were on more of an equal footing, he would be open to that too. He just knew that he was hoping for the rest of their lives to be spent together, and whatever the location of that would be, was just a secondary detail.

Still, with the ring to remain on standby, there was their first Christmas together to consider, and he wanted to get her something special, that showed her what she truly meant to him.

He knew that she sometimes wore jewellery, and so he had first decided to get her a necklace.

Eventually, he had found a pendant design that he considered to be perfect, because it was based on part of his favourite Shakespearean sonnet, 116.

Love is not love
Which alters when it alteration finds,
Or bends with the remover to remove.
O no! it is an ever-fixed mark
That looks on tempests and is never shaken.

The necklace he had found was a chain with a simple gold medallion, and it had the words ‘an ever-fixed mark’ engraved, with a ruby marking the spot of a punctuation mark after the words. He had requested to have it engraved with the words ‘To Olivia, with love always, from Rafael’ and the date of their first official date beneath them.

For Rafael, this quote captured the permanence of his love for Olivia. He knew now that they had endured and overcome so much, with their love still remaining strong, that there was nothing that could ever dim the warmth of his feelings for her.

For Noah, his gift was perhaps a bit of a risk, because he had chosen to buy the boy a guitar. He knew that this would be a new instrument for Noah, but he was confident that the boy was naturally musical and talented. He had also seen him admiring some guitars in a shop window they had passed one day on their way home from the park. Rafael thought that developing a skill for playing musical instrument at a young age was something Noah would never really regret. Rafael himself also had enough ability to play the guitar to be able to give Noah a few starter lessons, and in that way he hoped that it was something they could share together, whilst they continued to build their relationship.

Rafael soon had both of his important packages collected.

He brought them both back to the brownstone, and carefully wrapped each one in red and gold striped paper, then added red gift bows and hand-written tags. The larger, guitar-case shaped package he hid in the cupboard beneath the stairs, with some tarp in front of it, so that even if Noah looked inside the surprise would not be spoiled. He left the smaller packages beneath his tree, nestled amongst some gifts his mother had left for them all, and a few other wrapped packages from friends and work colleagues that had accumulated there.

With the gifts now ready, he paused for a second in the living room to look at the tree, the light reflecting off the metallic ornaments, and remembered that on Christmas morning this year, he would be lucky enough to be sharing all of this with Olivia and Noah. He smiled.

Soon after, he made his way back to Olivia’s apartment for yet another Saturday night dinner with the Bensons.

Chapter Text

On Monday afternoon in Boston, the day before Christmas Eve, as Rafael completed his deposition process in a meeting, he looked out the window and cringed. The forecast had originally been for some snow showers, but it was looking more like a blizzard out there, already.

Still, he pressed forward with his questioning and then took care to thank the witness at the end.

As the room emptied out, he checked his phone and groaned when he saw that his flight had been cancelled.

He went online searching for car rental companies, however the first website he saw had a notice that the rental service was suspended, because the roads were being closed for the night.

Deflated, he called Olivia.

‘Rafa, hi,’ she said. ‘Is there a problem with your flight? I just saw the weather warning update for Massachusetts?’

‘Liv, this is a complete disaster,’ he told her, unable to keep the frustration out of his voice. ‘Flights are cancelled, the roads are closed. I don’t know what to do.’

‘I’m so sorry, Rafa, this is just the worst luck.’

‘I should never have travelled here,’ he said, dejected.

‘Hey, you know your clients who were victimised by that creep wouldn’t see it that way,’ Olivia reminded him. 'That testimony you got today could make or break their case.'

He sighed in grudging agreement.

‘I suppose you're right. But I still wanted for us all to spend all of Christmas Eve together. I was going to make Ropa Vieja for us all, and then we could have gone to the midnight choir service a few blocks over. If this keeps up, I might miss Christmas Day, too. We’ve all already missed so much as it is.’

Olivia sighed. ‘That does sound like a really nice plan, Rafa. But you know, Noah and I aren’t at all worried about what we eat, we just want you here to spend time with you.’

‘But what will Noah think, if I end up missing what was supposed to be all of our first Christmas together?’ asked Rafael, his voice dull with disappointment.

‘Whatever happens, Noah will know that you have tried your best,’ said Olivia. ‘I’ll make sure of it. But also, let’s not lose all hope just now. First things first, it sounds like you need a hotel for the night. After this call, I will find you a room, and then text you the details. I’ll find you one as near as I can to the building you’re at now, and there should be lots of transport options near you in the centre, too. That way, if the storm lets up in the morning, you might have some choices.’

Rafael looked doubtfully out the window. ‘I was thinking maybe I should go to the car rental place in person tonight, maybe then I could persuade them…’

‘Rafa,’ Olivia said sternly. ‘The last thing either Noah or I want is you taking any silly risks. You need to listen to that travel advisory, and shelter in place. We want you home safe first and foremost, so that’s the priority. Understood?’

‘Yeah,’ said Rafael grudgingly, though he felt oddly comforted by her sternness. ‘I just really wanted to be home with you by tonight, that’s all.’

‘I wanted that too,’ said Olivia softly. ‘But that’s life sometimes, right? And we’ll cope, we’ve been through much worse than this.’

‘Thanks Liv,’ said Rafael. ‘Okay, I’ll get packed up before it gets worse out there. Can you text me if you do manage to find a room?’

‘Of course. Stay safe, okay honey?’

‘I will,’ he said, hanging up, and beginning to gather his papers. By the time he was standing in the building lobby briefcase in hand, he had a message from Olivia with a confirmation number for a room booking in a hotel only three buildings down.

He braved the onslaught of freezing snow to make his way towards the building, and soon was staggering through its revolving door.

He hadn’t planned on an overnight stay, and so had no clothes, toiletries or pyjamas packed. After checking in, he went to the hotel gift shop to see what they had available. He managed to get a set of Boston Red Sox themed sweats, a toothbrush and toothpaste.

He made his way up to his room. It was very decent, but just not at all where he wanted to be for the night. He lay down on the king-sized bed, and went on his phone to run through transport options that he could try in the morning. He tried to call several car rental companies but the lines were all busy.

After an hour or so, he received a text message from Olivia.

“So, how’s the room?”

He quickly typed his response.

“It’s very nice, thank you. The only problem is that you aren’t here in it.”

“Always a charmer.”

A second later, another text came in from Olivia.

“Hey, Noah wants to face-time with you. Can you take his call?”

Rafael smiled before he typed his response.

“Of course I can. I’ve got nothing but time, over here.”

A few minutes later, he had situated himself in a comfortable armchair by the window, with his phone propped up by his briefcase, when Noah’s call came in.

‘Hi Rafa,’ said Noah’s bright voice, cutting through the silence of the room.

‘Hey Amigo, how are you?’ he asked, relaxing into his chair.

‘Oh, I’m pretty good,’ said Noah. ‘Check it out, I’m in your living room, with Bruno. We’re wrapping presents together.’

Noah swept the phone around the room, taking in the brightly lit Christmas tree, the fireplace, and Bruno lying on the sofa, and then returning to Noah sitting on the floor in front of the sofa, surrounded by unrolled wrapping paper and bows. He was already in his pyjamas, which were a festive red checked flannel.

Rafael sighed at the familiar sight of his home, with Noah and Bruno just hanging out together as usual.

‘That looks like a really fun evening, Noah. And where’s your Mom?’

‘I told her she can’t come in, because I’m wrapping her gifts. You want to see?’

‘Sure, what did you get her?’

‘This is only one of them, it’s a robe. It’s purple, because that’s her favourite colour.’ Noah held up a soft velvet robe which had some floral embroidery on the pocket.

‘You think she’ll like it, Rafa?’

‘Of course she will, amigo,’ said Rafael warmly. ‘It’s a very thoughtful gift.’

Noah grinned. Then, his face grew more serious. ‘Mom says you got snowed in in Boston.’

Rafael nodded with a frown. ‘I’m afraid it’s true, Noah. I’m sorry. I really wanted to be almost back with you guys by now.’ He held up his phone camera to the window so Noah could see the snow storm currently outside the window.

‘It’s not your fault, though,’ said Noah, his eyes solemn. ‘I want you to know I won’t be mad, okay, if you’re late or you can’t get home. I know that you’re doing your best to get here.’

Rafael smiled. Clearly, Olivia had explained the situation to her son. But also, Noah just had a very big heart, in his own right.

‘Thank you for saying that, Noah. I’m very glad you understand.’

‘Sure I do. Bruno understands too, don’t you, boy. Say hi, Bruno…’ Noah directed the camera toward Bruno, who bumped his nose right up to the lens.

Bruno barked at the image of Rafael on the screen.

‘Hey Bruno,’ said Rafael, a bit embarrassed to feel so touched by the sight of his loyal friend. ‘I’ll see you soon, boy.’

Noah turned the camera back on himself. ‘We’ll be right here waiting for you when you get back, okay? So you don’t need to rush or go out in the storm. Stay safe.’

‘Okay, Noah, I will, thank you,’ said Rafael. He found himself yawning.

‘You should go to bed, you’re tired,’ said Noah sensibly. ‘Good night Rafa, I hope everything looks better there in the morning.’

‘Me too,’ said Rafael. ‘Thank you for calling me, Noah. Good night to you and Bruno. Give my love to your Mom too, okay?’

‘I will. Talk to you soon, bye,’ said Noah, hanging up.

Rafael changed into the sweats he would sleep in. He set his alarm for very early the next day, in hopes he could beat the rush for a rental car if the roads reopened. He turned out the lights, but before he went to sleep, he sent Olivia one last message.

“Your kid is a really incredible human being.”

He fell asleep too soon to see that Olivia had hearted his message.

Chapter Text

The next morning, Rafael woke up at 6 am with a jolt. It took him a moment to remember why he was in this strange bed in a random hotel room. It took him a moment further to recall that it was Christmas Eve. He’d hoped to be going to the market right now for some fresh herbs, before spending most of the day slowly preparing dishes for both that night and for Christmas Day. He sighed, and rubbed his eyes, and went to look out the window. At least the snow was not actively falling, but the roads still looked to be in need of clearing.

After a quick call to Logan airport to confirm that flights were still grounded due to high winds from the storm, he showered and then brushed his teeth.

He looked out the window again and observed that snow was now falling again, but not as heavily as before. He decided the best course of action was to seek out the nearest car rental shop as soon as it opened.

At eight in the morning, he was the first in line to be let in at the car rental place down the street.

Unfortunately for him, the clerk at the other side of the counter appeared none too pleased to be working Christmas Eve, nor did she seem overly eager to help.

‘Sir, I just don’t have a single car I can give you. The roads are still closed, they say it will be at least noon before the majority are cleared. Even then, I still need folks to return their late rentals first.' She shook her head in annoyance. 'After that, the people with previous bookings get priority, and then at that point we will very likely be at capacity.’ The door rang as a few more customers appeared, lining up behind Rafael.

‘You can’t be serious,’ said Rafael, at his wit’s end. ‘It’s Christmas Eve. I have to get a home to my family today. I absolutely can’t just get stuck here.’

The clerk looked at him, and pursed her lips. ‘There’s lots of folks stranded out here today with all the flights cancelled, sir. Everyone wants a last minute rental. We just don’t have any cars available, because it's the holdiays. How about we put you on our cancellation list? You’d be number…’ She ran her hand down a list of names… ‘thirteen? I’m afraid it’s the best I can do.’ She handed him a pen.

Rafael sighed and nodded. ‘Well, okay thanks. Let me leave you my details.’ He added his name and number to the list, and returned her pen to her.

‘We’ll be in touch if any rental opens up for you. Please help yourself to our holiday candy, and have a nice day,’ said the clerk, gesturing to a bowl of wrapped peppermint swirls. Rafael eyed the sugary treats with distaste and shuffled away from the line.

He went to sit on the window ledge of the shop and opened up his phone to check for other car rental units nearby. He was already getting the feeling that this was all a doomed endeavour.

A tall black man who had been at the counter after him approached him.

‘Hey, buddy, I couldn’t help overhearing your conversation back there, you stuck out here too, away from your family for Christmas?’ The man took a seat on the ledge a few feet away from him, stretching out his long legs.

Rafael sighed. Ordinarily, he wasn’t big on talking to strangers, but he was starting to feel so forlorn that it was almost nice to have the distraction.

‘Unfortunately, yes. I came out here for work yesterday.’

‘Same as,’ said the man. ‘I never shoulda come out here. The insurance company I work for sent me. My wife is stuck at home with our three hyperactive little kids, going stir crazy.’

Rafael nodded. ‘Well, there’s only one boy in my place, but I still think I know how you feel. Christmas is such a big deal for kids.’

The man nodded. ‘I’m Leon,’ he said, holding out his hand.

‘Rafael,’ said Rafael, shaking the man’s hand. ‘Sorry you’re stuck here as well.’

‘Where’d you say home was?’ asked Leon.

‘I didn’t,’ responded Rafael. ‘But it’s Brooklyn, New York.’

Leon nodded. ‘Well, here’s the thing, I have a car booked here already, because I hate to fly. And I am headed towards my home in New Jersey. So, if my car ever does turn up, I’d be happy to take you a good length of the journey, maybe drop you to a bus or a train that can bring you the rest of the way home? I’d like to help you make it home to your wife and son too. What do you say?’

Rafael looked at the man’s kind smile, speechless. ‘Leon, you would be doing me the biggest favour. I’d happily split the cost with you, and pay for the petrol too. Full disclosure, this is my girlfriend and her son I’m on way to see, so he’s not officially mine, but…’

Leon shook his head and held up his hand to halt Rafael’s words. ‘Hey, you don’t even need to say it, man. When I say I have three kids, my wife was married before me, and the oldest girl is her daughter from that marriage. I know how it is, because I love her just the same.’

Rafael’s face broke into a wide grin. ‘Leon, thank you so much, this is so kind of you.’

Leon shook his head. ‘It’s no problem. I think I saw a diner down the street, how about we get breakfast somewhere that we can watch for when the streets are clear?’

‘That sounds like a plan,’ Rafael nodded. ‘The least I can do is buy you breakfast.’

Meanwhile, back in the brownstone, Olivia was waking up in a bed that felt empty, without Rafael’s presence.

She pulled on one of Rafael’s robes, enjoying that it smelled faintly of his cologne.

She made her way downstairs to make sure Bruno had a breakfast waiting for him in his bowl, if he made a break for the kitchen before Noah was up. As she poured some dry food into the dog’s dish, she heard a notification on her phone, which was resting on the counter.

She saw a message from Rafael updating her that he might have a lift most of the way home. She sighed with gratitude. There in Brooklyn, there was still only a light dusting of snow on the streets, and so she felt optimistic that if he could somehow make it most of the way to New York in a car, there was a very good chance of him making it all the way home by nightfall.

She heard both footsteps and the patter of paws on the wooden staircase, and then Noah and Bruno appeared, with Bruno making a mad dash for his breakfast.

Noah rubbed his eyes. ‘Morning, Mom,’ he said, sounding half asleep.

‘Morning honey,’ she said affectionately. ‘How’d you sleep?’

‘I slept fine,’ said Noah. ‘Did they bring back the flights for Rafa yet?’

Olivia shook her head, She decided not to mention Rafael getting a lift home yet, as it wasn’t certain, and she didn’t want to raise the boy’s hopes too soon.

‘Not yet honey, but he’s trying everything he can think of to get home.’

Noah nodded. ‘I know.’ She could tell he was still feeling at little sad that the plans the three of them had made to spend Christmas together might not work out. She decided that keeping him busy was the best course of action.

‘Hey, Noah, do you know where Rafa’s kept his Christmas grocery list? I just want to make sure we have all the ingredients we need for tomorrow. We can go to the market for any essentials soon, in case the snow gets worse here later.’

‘Yeah, I know where he keeps it,’ said Noah, going to a drawer under the counter, opening it and pulling out a yellow legal pad. He handed it to her.

‘Terrific, thank you honey,’ said Olivia, scanning the list quickly. ‘And then later, I think we should try and make Ropa Vieja, just like Rafa had wanted to.’

Noah gave her a side-eye. ‘Mom, I know you can make pasta, but you’ve never made Ropa Vieja before. It’s kind of a Rafa thing to make.’

Olivia huffed. ‘I’ve seen Rafa make it a bunch of times, honey. I know it won’t be as good as his. We can at least try, though. We’ll do it together?’

‘I guess if Rafa ever makes it home and sees we made that for him, he’d be pretty impressed, huh?’ said Noah, seeming to warm to the idea.

‘He’d be super impressed,’ nodded Olivia.

‘Okay,’ said Noah with a small grin. ‘I’m in then, and we can cook it together.’

Chapter Text

Olivia and Noah went to Rafael’s favourite local market and picked up the flank steaks for the Ropa Vieja, plus the fresh turkey Rafael had ordered in advance.

They also got all the correct fresh herbs as listed in the recipe in Rafael’s Abuelita’s cookbook, as well as the sweet plantains, white rice and black beans that were recommended as accompaniments for Ropa Vieja.

Olivia knew that Rafael would be happy with pretty much anything to eat, once he actually made it home, but she thought that preparing a new meal would keep both her and Noah occupied, rather than staring at the clock.

She also was keenly aware of how much Rafael catered to both her needs and her son’s in terms of cooking and caring for them both for the previous few weeks, and this seemed like an appropriate gesture to show how much they both appreciated him.

After leaving the groceries back to the house, they took Bruno out for his walk, a scattering of snow still falling on the pathways as they made their way to the park.

Noah was talking a lot about the upcoming trip to the Catskills and all the activities he was planning with Conor, and so Olivia had little to do but listen. Some of the activities he was excited about like skiing, she worried might be dangerous, but she didn’t want to pass that anxiety on to her son, so she kept silent. It was leaving her a little in awe to see the confident, kind young man that he was becoming before her eyes. She still remembered the day she found him as a baby, with all that pain and chaos surrounding him. It made her emotional to think about how far he had come since then.

Once they were back in the house, and changed into dry clothes, work began in earnest on dinner.

Olivia checked her phone several times, but there had been no further word from Rafael. She wondered whether the ride had not panned out, and he didn’t want to break it to her.

She tasked Noah with slicing the peppers and onions, whilst she began frying the flank steaks a few minutes on either side. She had located a large casserole dish in one of the cupboards- it was easy to tell that Rafael loved to cook from how well equipped the kitchen was. Bruno sat on his yellow chair by the wood-burning stove, supervising from a distance.

Bruno only jumped up once, when a postman dropped a Christmas card through the door. He ran to the door, as if he expected it to open. When Olivia picked up the card and placed it in the mail basket on the sideboard, and the door failed to open, he hung his head and walked back to the kitchen.

As time went on, Olivia looked at her phone clock and sighed- it was six pm already, and still no update from Rafael.

The Ropa Vieja was simmering slowly on a low heat on the hob, and the kitchen was fragrant with the scent of the warm spiced broth. They had prepped the side dishes, ready to be cooked, and Noah had set the dining table nicely with candles and napkins.

‘How about we watch a movie, Noah?’ suggested Olivia cheerfully.

‘But Rafa hasn’t called yet,’ said Noah. ‘So we don’t know if he’s coming home or not.’

Olivia nodded. ‘Yeah, we don’t. I don’t know if he has cell service with the storm, or his phone could have run out of battery, maybe.’

‘It doesn’t feel right enjoying a movie if he’s just stuck on his own somewhere miles away for Christmas,’ said Noah.

Olivia nodded sagely. ‘Honey, I know what you mean, and I am so proud of you for caring. But one thing I know about Rafa is, that if he knew you were having a nice Christmas Eve, that would make him feel better, too, no matter where he is. Okay?’

Noah nodded. ‘Yeah, I know,’ he said quietly.

‘Tell you what,’ said Olivia. ‘I want to clear some of the snow that gathered on those front steps earlier with a shovel, and by the time I am back, I want you to have picked out our movie, okay?’

‘Okay Mom,’ said Noah, his chin jutting out. ‘Come on Bruno, help me pick out the movie?’ Bruno jumped down from his chair and followed Noah towards the living room.

Olivia put on her winter coat, her gloves and boots, and retrieved the snow shovel that Rafael kept out on the deck. The snow on the front steps, she had noticed when the post arrived, seemed to have melted a bit, then frozen. She figured that if Rafael made it back late that night, he would appreciate not breaking his neck on the icy snow layered on the steps.

Opening the front door, Olivia balanced the shovel against one side of the door, and stepped out towards the side of the steps, using the door handle to steady herself on the icy surface. It was then she heard a loud bark from inside the house, and Noah shouting ‘Bruno, wait!’

She wasn’t quick enough, though, because the dog rushed down the steps and along the street, moving like a flash.

‘Bruno!’ Olivia shouted, tearing down the steps and almost slipping in the process. The sidewalk below was salted and so she could get some grip as she picked up pace to run after him. She couldn’t believe she had lost Rafael’s dog on Christmas Eve. How was she going to explain this to him?

Noah was following close behind her, having run out without his coat on, in his haste to find the dog.

‘Bruno, come back boy!’ Noah’s thin voice pleaded into the wind, and the sleet that was starting again.

Olivia reached the end of the block, and she groaned. She looked both ways, but there was no dog in sight. She examined the snow for paw prints, there seemed to be too many, but she took a chance that the ones that looked the most recent were turning left.

She turned to Noah. ‘Honey, I’m going left, here, but you should go back and get your coat and gloves. You’ll catch pneumonia dressed like that.’

She could see the tears in Noah’s eyes already fully formed. ‘But I can’t go back without Bruno, Mom. He was there with us just a second ago.’

If she hadn’t been so winded, Olivia could have cried herself. Instead, she took Noah’s shaking bare hands in her gloved ones. ‘Honey, it will only take you five minutes to get your gear on and get back here. Do you need a key?’

Noah looked up at her, lip quivering, and nodded.

Olivia plucked out the spare key she had in her pocket and handed it to him, ‘Back you go. I’m just checking the next street over and I’ll be doubling back to this corner by the time you’re ready. Deal?’

Noah nodded, shivering, and turned to run back to the house.

Olivia renewed her pace, running around one block, and then another, frustrated by the multiple choices of routes.

She was about to turn back towards Noah, when she heard a faint bark, and froze. The sound came again, this time definitely to the right, back in the direction of the house and she took off in that direction at pace. The barking was getting louder, and then she saw movement in the distance, and realised that it was definitely a dog, a dog walking with a man.

She accelerated her pace, concerned that someone might have mistaken Bruno for a stray, and shouted out ‘Bruno!’ as loud as she possibly could. With a bark, the dog turned towards her and she saw to her great relief that it was Bruno. It was only then that she looked up and realised that the man standing beside the dog was none other than Rafael himself. Within a moment they were all running towards each other, until the collided in a heap with the bog tangling between their legs as they hugged.

Olivia drew back, laughing. ‘Well I guess there is no way I can lie to you about not losing your dog after this,’ she said. ‘Rafa, I am so sorry, he just ran out. And also, of course, I am so happy to see you.’

Rafael beamed, and reached out to brush some hair back from her face with his gloved hand. Her leaned in to kiss her softly, both of their lips cold and neither of them remotely caring.

‘Liv, you have no idea how glad I am just to be here with you. I got the subway the last part of the way home, after this guy who was pretty much my guardian angel gave me a ride most of the way from Boston in his four-wheel-drive rental. I was two blocks from the house when I heard barking, and then this guy just turned up,’ he gestured down at Bruno, grinning. Bruno for his part, was truly ecstatic to see his master, and jumped up to paw at his chest, demanding his attention.

‘I was getting pretty worried, when I didn’t hear from you,’ Olivia admitted.

‘My battery died,’ said Rafael, kissing her again, and smiling.

They all turned back towards the house together.

‘Poor Noah was beside himself,’ Olivia told Rafael, taking his gloved hand in hers. ‘He ran after Bruno with no coat on just now, so I sent him back. He is going to be so over the moon to see you, though.’

Walking fast, they were near Rafael’s block soon, and turning a corner they almost ran into Noah himself.

‘Rafa, you’re back!’ exclaimed Noah. ‘And you found Bruno too. I’m really sorry I let him get away.’ His head dipped in shame.

Rafael shrugged, and reached out to tilt the boy’s chin up. ‘Somehow, he just knew I was near. I told you before, Noah, he’s a very smart dog. Sometimes I think he even might be psychic.’

Noah groaned. ‘I know you’re joking, Rafa. Dogs aren’t psychic.’

‘I think maybe he just smelled you,’ suggested Liv, linking him by the arm. She felt like she would have a hard time letting go of him for the rest of the evening.

‘Maybe that’s the case,’ said Rafael. ‘You know, it’s actually been quite a few days since I had a shower,’ He sniffed under his arm, and made a disgusted face.

‘You’re really gross, Rafa,’ said Noah, laughing, as he made his way nimbly up the icy steps to the front door of the brownstone. Bruno dashed past him aiming back towards his water bowl area at the back of the house.

‘You are gross,’ agreed Olivia, herself and Rafael taking the icy top steps a little more cautiously together. ‘But I think we'll keep you with us just the same.’ She grabbed him by the collar of his coat, and kissed him once more on the front step, before pulling him inside to the warmth of the house. The front door slammed shut behind them.

Chapter Text

Breaking off from kissing Olivia, Rafael found himself looking around his home with renewed appreciation.

He hung up his coat and scarf, revealing yesterday's suit now rumpled underneath from a day's travelling. He quietly took in the cosy, blazing fire in the living room and the colourfully decorated Christmas tree. He also noted that Olivia had hung up three Christmas stockings near the fireplace, which had the names Rafael, Noah and Olivia hand-embroidered on to them. It was nice seeing their names alongside his. He had been imagining the kind of Christmas he would be missing, being away from home, and yet now that he was there, it was already exceeding his expectations.

On the mantlepiece above the stove, Olivia had arranged some of their Christmas cards, and then on the coffee table, there was a white candle in a jar burning, scenting the air subtly with spice and berries.

‘I know you probably can’t wait to take a shower after travelling all day,’ said Olivia sympathetically. ‘But first, you have to take a look and see what Noah and I have been making in the kitchen.’

Rafael tilted his head, intrigued, and followed as Olivia took him by the hand and led him into the kitchen. His senses were overtaken, then, by the familiar smell of his Abuelita’s cooking. The cumin, paprika and oregano mingling together took him right back to childhood memories of watching her cook over her old, cheap electric stove with that one ring on the hob that never quite worked.

Noah looked up from where he was sitting on the floor with Bruno, grinning. ‘We made you Ropa Vieja, Rafa. What do you think about that?’

Rafael walked over to the stove, observing the bubbling casserole dish, and all the prepared, carefully sliced plantains and other dishes to the side. ‘This is extraordinary,’ he said, feeling genuinely touched by the work the two had so clearly put in to preparing this dish for him.

‘It’s definitely not going to be as good as your Abuelita’s,’ whispered Olivia in a low voice.

Rafael shook his head, and drew her to his side, holding her close.

‘You should try it, Rafa,’ said Noah, getting up. He fetched a wooden spoon from the utensil jar by the stove, and handed it to Rafael to taste the sauce.

‘If you insist,’ said Rafael, dipping in the spoon, and then blowing on the sauce to cool it before he tasted it.

Olivia and Noah both stood back, watching cautiously.

Rafael closed his eyes for a second, and when he opened them, Olivia noted those green eyes were shining at the corners. He placed the spoon on the counter and drew them both in for a group hug. ‘It tastes just like being home with my Abuelita. Thank you both so much for doing this for me.’

After a long moment, Olivia pulled back from the hug, without letting go.

‘Hey, you do so much to look after us, Rafa. It’s the least we could do.’

‘That’s true, Rafa,’ said Noah. ‘We want to take care of you too. I’m so happy we all get to spend this Christmas together.’

Rafael laughed. ‘So am I, amigo, you have no idea.’ He surveyed the counter. ‘You guys have all the ingredients ready. I just need to clean up upstairs, and I can take over.’

Olivia shook her head sternly. ‘No way. You go up there and take your time, even have a bath if you like. Warm up and relax. Noah and I have all this covered, and we can call you in an hour when dinner’s ready, right Noah?’

‘For sure,’ said Noah with a sincere nod. ‘You don’t need to worry, Rafa, we’ve got you covered.’

Rafael stood back to look at them both with affection. ‘I guess you two aren’t taking no for an answer.’

‘You should know that about me already, really,’ Olivia reminded him.

He smirked. ‘I do seem to have some recollection, now I think back,’ he admitted. He disappeared upstairs, looking forward to having a warm bath and to then getting into some fresh clothes.

Dinner that night was a warm and restorative affair. Rafael had changed into a cable knit cream sweater and jeans, the cold of the outdoors now long forgotten. The Ropa Vieja was a big hit, and Rafael proclaimed it to be perfection, even if Olivia secretly had her doubts. In any event, Rafael came back for second helpings of every dish, and Noah was radiant with pride.

Afterwards, the three donned their winter coats, and made their way down to the local church for a special carol service. In the chilly church, Rafael and Olivia held hands. For each of them the service brought back childhood memories, but it also felt like something new, as now they were bringing Noah to a service this year together.

They all strolled home together through quiet streets in the cold. The night was black, with stars peeking through the grey clouds above.

Noah was worn out from the excitement of the entire day, and struggling to keep his eyes open as they got through the front door. He was quick enough to retreat to his room for the night with Bruno.

Rafael and Olivia paused to share a hot whiskey by the fire at the end of the night, sitting in the wingback chairs by the fire. They both toed their shoes off, and stretched their socked feet out to warm by the heat of the fire. The nearby Christmas tree's lights gave off their own festive glow, and the tree's many shiny ornaments reflected occasional sparks of firelight.

In the light from the fire, Rafael saw the golden glow cast across Olivia’s familiar face, and the stark contrast of her dark eyes, and thought that she had never looked so beautiful to him.

‘I just can’t believe that this all worked for us,’ he admitted. The fire was crackling in the background.

‘And why’s that?’ asked Olivia, taking a sip of the warm, clove-spiced beverage, and glossing over the doubts that had overtaken her, too, only hours before.

‘Well, just because in the past, things haven’t tended to work out for us, you know, in terms of luck, and timing,’ said Rafael, looking down, his face flushed, partly from the heat of the fire, and partly from self-consciousness.

‘Hmmm,’ said Olivia. ‘I know what you mean. I can’t say I wasn’t concerned myself that we might have to adjust our plans. But honestly, I also feel like something has changed for us, too Rafa.’

‘You do?’ asked Rafael, stirring his drink with a teaspoon and then setting it to the side on a saucer resting on the mantlepiece.

‘Yeah,’ said Olivia, this time with greater certainty. ‘I mean, in some ways, luck has also brought us together. There was the way that Captain Harris first brought you in on that case.’ She smiled to herself at the thought of him, clean-shaven and fresh-faced on their first case together. ‘And yes, okay, everything with Richard Wheatley pulled us apart. But after everything, fate sort of brought us together again, when Noah met your mother at that choir service. I thought of that again tonight when we were all together in the church. I think, if fate brings you together two times in a row, then that has to be a sign.’

Rafael looked contemplatively into the glass mug cradled in his hands, smiled, and took a slow sip, savouring the whiskey, lemon and the tangy spice.

‘So, you’re saying you think we’re meant to be?’ he asked her, looking up, his eyes darkening.

Olivia looked across at him, holding his gaze. ‘I'm beginning to think it’s a distinct possibility.’

‘I was so afraid that I was going to let you and Noah down today,’ admitted Rafael. ‘In a lot of ways, it was just luck that I did end up making it.’

Olivia shook her head. ‘That’s not true, Rafa,’ she said. ‘I’ve known you long enough to know that you don’t give up, whatever the obstacle. That’s a big part of the reason that we’re sitting here today, and I know it’s at least some part of how you made your way home, too.’

Rafael smiled a small, satisfied smile. ‘When you put it like that, it almost sounds like you missed me last night.’

Olivia placed her mug down on the coffee table. ‘As a matter of fact, I did,’ she told him. ‘Why don’t you come up to bed with me, and I can show you?’

Rafael looked at her, feeling all the breath exit his body. He downed the rest of his drink, and deposited the empty glass on its saucer.

‘I don’t think I could possibly refuse that offer,’ he admitted.

They had the downstairs lights extinguished and the locks checked in a few minutes, and then Olivia was taking him by the hand, leading him up the staircase.

In the bedroom, they sat side by side on the large sleigh bed, still fully dressed, and he spent a few seconds just looking at her, and drew a hand to her face to run his fingers across the softness of her cheek. She took that hand in hers and turned the knuckles toward her lips and kissed them one by one. Then, they were just kissing. The kiss was soon deepening, warm, and wet, with both of them savouring each other with a slow, languorous enjoyment.

Olivia slid her hands below his sweater, relishing the familiar warm, compact solidness of his physique, as she felt it through his thin undershirt. She slipped the sweater over his head, ruffling his salt and pepper hair in the process. She loved him the best like this, when he was a little bit vulnerable, and more than a little undone.

His own skilled fingertips were working on the small buttons of her maroon knit sweater, patiently undoing each one, as he continued to kiss her ardently.

Then the sweater was fully unbuttoned, he pushed it from her bare shoulders, and yanked the thin camisole underneath over her head in one swift movement. He undid the clasp of her bra expertly, moving his kisses to just underneath her ear, and slowly progressing down her neck in a way that made her shudder in pleasure.

His hands were then caressing the undersides of her full breasts, his thumbs circling her nipples as they hardened with arousal. She sighed, leaning in to his welcome touch, and moved to pull off his long sleeved undershirt, longing for the feel of simply his bare skin against hers.

At that point, she stood back for a moment and unbuttoned her own jeans, shimmying out of them as he watched, dazed. She pulled him up to a standing position, and then began to unzip his fly, before yanking his jeans down.

She knelt down on the rug by the bed, and gave a questioning glance to his navy boxers. Rafael nodded with a smirk, and she yanked them down, his dick jolting upwards, he was clearly already aroused by the way things were going. She manoeuvred forwards on her knees, cupping his balls in her hands, and continuing by pressing kisses along his hipbone, her tongue making the briefest of contact along the bone line, which caused him to intake a sharp breath. He tangled his fingers in her hair, holding her head gently. She made her way across to his shaft, pressing kisses and then tonguing along with a gentle, but building pressure. She took the head inside her mouth, swirling her tongue and savouring the feeling of power that the position afforded her. He then gripped her shoulder, and she felt his body begin to tremble as she pressed her tongue against him with a slow, rhythmic pace.

She could feel the pleasure building inside his taut body, when she heard him gasp: ‘Liv, hold on, I’d rather be inside you, if that’s- is that okay?’

Olivia smirked, and in seconds, she rose up, kissing him full on the mouth, and pushing him back on the softness of the mattress. He landed with a soft thud. ‘Honey, tonight, it’s whatever you want.’

Rafael sighed. ‘When you say that, you’re making me wish I had the energy for several things,’ he said ‘I’m afraid I might just crash after all this. But I was dreaming about this, and about you, all last night, just so you know.’

‘You really know how to flatter a girl,’ said Olivia, climbing on top of him, straddling him with strong thighs, and making it all as easy as she could on his tired body.

‘Hey, it’s just the truth,’ he objected, going back to the spot behind her ear that made her shiver, kissing her with a wet, gentle insistence, and running his hands firmly down her naked sides, traversing her curves, slipping them around her inner thighs, teasing her just a little bit. As his fingers began to graze her labia gently, she was just about to cry out with frustration, but instead she let him take his time, and luxuriated in the closeness that went along with it. He pressed two fingers gently over her clit, pulsing rhythmically, and pressing his nose to her neck, listening intently for the sounds of her response. A muffled groan caught in her throat encouraged him when he found the right angle and pressure, and as he persisted with a light increase in intensity, he could soon feel the wetness trickling from deep inside of her.

‘You feel like you’re ready,’ he whispered in her ear. ‘Are you?’ She could feel the firmness of his erection pressed against her belly

‘Oh God, yes, please, she responded, her hair fanned across her face as she turned her head to the side, struggling to control her own desire. She reached down a guiding hand, encouraging him towards her opening, and he raised up his hips. She gasped as she felt him enter her, and fill her.

They were in no rush that night, and their love-making was slow and easy, as they took pleasure in the buttery feeling of skin against skin, and worked their hips together as he thrust firmly and deeper inside of her. Olivia hand started to feel as if they could go on like that forever, when he changed he angle just a little bit, and the pleasure grew to an almost painful intensity. After only a few minutes, she felt that deep, golden unfurling deep within, and she clawed against his back, biting on his shoulder to stop herself from crying out. The slight sting of her bite was all it took for Rafael himself to come to climax too, and he spilled himself inside of her, shuddering, before collapsing, boneless, on top of her, burying his nose into the crook of her neck, still breathing her in.

Remembering his warning about falling asleep, Olivia quickly slid out from under him to go to the bathroom and clean up quickly.

When she returned, he raised his head with drowsy irritation. His bedhead was at a whole new level.

‘Where’d you disappear to?’ he asked grouchily, as she lifted the sheet and encouraged him to get underneath it.

‘Bathroom,’ she explained. ‘I was just gone for a sec. Come on under the covers, before you fall asleep.’

He grumbled something unintelligible but did as told, and then snugly pressed his naked body against her back, slinging a possessive arm around her waist, before he fully drifted off to sleep.

Chapter Text

Rafael was the first in the house to awaken on Christmas morning.

He woke up in a cosy cocoon of the smooth sheets on his bed, snuggled up next to Olivia’s warm body. For a few minutes, he just revelled in the feeling of being back there with her, and that comfortable feeling of belonging that he always felt when he was with her, now.

Then, he kissed her lightly on her bare shoulder, and was careful not to wake her, as extricated himself gently from their embrace.

He showered quickly, wanting make it downstairs before everyone and make a start on cooking a good breakfast.

He just got dressed into his green flannel pyjamas, thinking that they might likely spend the first part of the morning relaxing on the sofa, watching Noah open his presents by the tree. This immediately reminded him about Noah’s guitar. As soon as he arrived downstairs, he delved into the cupboard under the stairs and retrieved it from its hiding place, before depositing it safely underneath the Christmas tree.

He surveyed all of the presents under the tree for a moment, and sighed, thinking about what he would have given for a Christmas like this when he was a child. His mother had tried her best, but Christmas had been a difficult time in their house. Often, his father’s drinking got worse, and money tighter because of it. Then, the inevitable would follow. Rafael’s hand curled into a fist just thinking about it.

He shook his head to banish the unpleasant memories, and then took out his phone to send his mother a text to wish her a happy Christmas, and to let her know when he would call, later. He knew she would be enjoying the day with her sisters. He also sensed the peace it gave her to think he had people to celebrate with now, in his own home.

He slipped into the kitchen through the pocket doors, and got the coffee started, before cracking some eggs into a bowl and adding seasonings. He was rifling through his fridge for the nitrate-free bacon he had bought earlier that week, when he heard a noise at the kitchen entrance.

It was Olivia, freshly showered. She was dressed in her own grey flannel pyjamas, with his navy robe tied over them, her hair still damp from the shower, her skin pink and glowing from the heat of the shower.. He closed the refrigerator and crossed the kitchen to kiss her good morning. He could taste her toothpaste as they kissed, and he slid his hand inside her robe, gripping her waist firmly. After a moment, she drew back from him, grinning an amused grin.

‘Well, good morning to you, too, Rafa. Merry Christmas.’

‘Merry Christmas to you, too, mi corazón,’ he murmured in her ear, still holding her, and then applying for another kiss, which she granted willingly. She wrapped her arms around his waist.

‘I can’t believe that we are the first ones awake today,’ said Olivia. ‘Usually, I would have had Noah at my door at the crack of dawn.’

‘He must have been really tired out from yesterday,’ said Rafael fondly, recalling the work the boy had put in to making his favourite meal.

Olivia drew back from Rafael. ‘We don’t have long before he’s up. I want to lay out the new computer game console I got him' she gestured to a nicely wrapped square package had placed on one of the bar stools. 'I had that hidden away in the wardrobe upstairs.’

Rafael nodded, as she disappeared into the living room to make sure all the gifts were well-arranged. He found the bacon and turned on the hob, preparing the pan with oil and then adding some slices to fry.

Olivia returned a moment later. ‘Is that a guitar I just saw in there Rafa?’ she asked him, looking at him with suspicious eyes.

‘It’s only a beginner level model, I didn’t go crazy on the price,’ said Rafael firmly, not looking at her and keeping his focus on the pan, where the bacon had started to sizzle. He started another pan on the heat next, and began preparing the eggs.

‘You know he can’t play at all, right?’ she asked him gently.

‘Well, he can’t play yet,’ said Rafael, giving her a side glance. ‘But I can teach him.’

‘Oh,’ said Olivia.

Rafael gave her a side eye. ‘Maybe I should have asked you about it, I was in such a rush with work last week. And I thought he’d like it.’

Olivia shook her head. She came up behind him, wrapped her arms around his waist, and pressed a kiss to the side of his face, enjoying the scratchiness of his beard. ‘It's from you. Of course, he’s going to love it. The lessons from you are what will really make it.’

‘We’ll see, anyway,’ said Rafael in a small voice, turning back to the stove. Olivia knew he was still uncertain about how well he was doing with Noah, despite the fact that the boy clearly adored him.

‘Are we doing Christmas morning Mimosas, Rafa?’ she whispered in his ear flirtatiously.

He shivered at the contact, but shifted his focus back to the task at hand.

‘Well, now that you brought it up, you bet we are,’ he said with a grin. ‘There’s juice and prosecco in the fridge. Maybe you can get a couple started, and we might even have a sip or two before the fun begins.’

She nodded, pressed a last kiss to his cheek, and shuffled in her slippers across to the fridge to prepare the drinks.

Once the bacon and eggs were prepared, Rafael placed the plates in the oven to stay warm, and added fresh slices of bread to the toaster. Then, he joined Olivia, sitting side by side at the counter, for a Mimosa. They clinked their champagne flutes together and each took a small sip.

‘You know, Liv, it was so nice coming home to you all yesterday, and the meal, all of it,’ said Rafael, looking at her, almost shyly. ‘I can’t help thinking that it would be nice to do this, every day.’

Olivia gave him a knowing smile.

‘I mean, I’m not sure we should be drinking alcohol in the morning every day, Rafa,’ she said.

‘No, you know what I mean,’ he protested, placing a steadying hand on hers, and not letting her away with the joking deflection.

‘Of course I do,’ said Olivia. She looked up at him through her eyelashes. ‘I do think about it too. But don’t you worry it’s too soon? I mean, yes, Noah is so happy here. But he’ll be equally devastated if things didn’t work out, then. And there’s his school, it would mean a longer commute for him.’

‘Couldn’t we ask him what he thinks?’ suggested Rafael. ‘Well, not about the being devastated, but about the commute to school.’

Olivia looked at him. ‘I already know what he’s going to say, I think.’

Rafael felt hope rising up inside him. ‘Well then, if you know…’

Olivia sighed. ‘But the other part worries me more. The what if things don’t work out part.’

Rafael frowned. ‘It’s not like I don’t worry about that too, Liv. If anything, I might even worry more than you do.’

‘How’s that?’ she asked him, her voice taking on a slight edge.

‘Well, just because, I know you have someone else who wants you to reconsider. Somebody you have a past with.’

Olivia shook her head firmly. ‘Rafa, no. We won’t talk about him again today, but I’ve been clear. There is nobody else even close. For me, if this doesn’t work out, I would choose to be on my own for good. There is nobody else who will even come close. I have been through enough now, to know that much, at least.’

Rafael nodded. ‘I hear you. I’m sorry, maybe this wasn’t the best time to have this talk.’

Olivia reached out to stroke his wrist. ‘Hey,’ she said. ‘I want us to have these talks, whenever you need them. And for the record, I’m definitely not saying no. I’m just asking for a little bit of time. It’s not about trusting you, okay? It’s about trusting myself not to mess this up. Not for me, not for you and definitely not for Noah.’

Rafael sighed. ‘I get it, Liv. And for the record, I am happy. It’s just that I think we could all be a little bit more happy, if we were living together all the time. You know, as a family.’

Olivia felt her heart skip a beat when he said the word ‘family'. It was all she could do not to just fold and say yes right then and there, but something within her pushed back against such a hasty agreement.

She placed her hand over his. ‘Here’s what I propose. Can we pause this conversation for the rest of today, and just enjoy the next few days, when we will all for certain be together? And then I promise that before the holidays are over, we can speak about it one more time, and start deciding at the very least, when might be a good time to try moving in?’

Rafael’s frown crumbled into a grudging smile. ‘You’re a tough negotiator, as always, Olivia Benson, but you’ve got yourself a deal.’

He leaned sideways at the counter to press a kiss to her mouth.

The sound of footsteps and paws on the stairs outside alerted them to the coming presence of Noah and Bruno.

Rafael smirked. ‘I knew that once the smell of that bacon made its way upstairs, it was only a matter of time before those two appeared.’

Chapter Text

Noah had appeared in his red checked pyjamas, and he was delighted to see both adults were already awake. ‘I want a juice, too,’ he said, gesturing towards the glasses the two adults had been sipping from. Rafael winked at Liv as he poured some pure orange juice into a matching flute glass for Noah.

'No problem, Noah, here you go. Happy Christmas.'

‘Merry Christmas, honey,’ said Olivia, standing and giving Noah a warm hug and kiss on the cheek.

‘Merry Christmas, Mom. Merry Christmas Rafa. Can I give Bruno his present now?’

‘How about breakfast first, honey?’ suggested Olivia. ‘Rafa has made us some delicious-looking food, and it’s all ready and waiting in the warm oven.’

‘Oh, that's awesome, thanks Rafa,’ said Noah, taking a seat at the dining table.

Rafael had soon served the three of them all up a delicious breakfast of scrambled eggs, bacon, toast, and fresh coffee. When their plates has been cleared, they all made their way through to the living room, with Bruno trailing behind them.

Noah made a beeline for the tree, and Olivia saw him notice straight away the gifts that hadn’t been there the day before.

‘Who wants to open gifts first?’ asked Noah, looking at Olivia. She and Rafael had settled on the sofa, coffee cups in hand. ‘Maybe Rafa should, because it’s his house?’

In truth, Rafael didn’t like to hear that Noah still thought of the house as Rafael’s, because he wanted the boy to feel it was his home too. But he brushed that uneasy feeling aside, for now.

‘Nah,’ said Rafael, ‘I think we should start with the youngest person first, so that’s Bruno.’

Olivia smirked.

Noah grinned. ‘I have one for Bruno. Rafa, you better open it, because I don’t think his paws can tear the paper.’

Rafael climbed off the couch and sat beside Noah on the rug in front of the tree.

‘I wouldn’t be so sure of that. You should see the damage he once did to my favourite pair of slippers.’ He tore the red wrapping paper away from the gift, revealing an item made of fleece lined with sherpa within.

‘Wow, it’s really… well what is this?’ asked Rafael, bemused.

‘It’s a sleeping bag for dogs!’ said Noah excitedly. ‘So Bruno has somewhere to sleep on our trip.’

‘Wow, that’s really thoughtful, Noah,’ said Rafael. ‘Hey Bruno, come have a look at this…’

Bruno raised an ear from his spot near the fire at the sound of his name. He dutifully stood up and sauntered over in their direction. Rafael helpfully held open the round wire opening of the bag. Noah picked up one of Bruno’s chew toys and threw it inside the sleeping bag. Bruno dove in after it, but came out again just as quickly, and then pushed down the top of the sleeping bag with his paws, before sitting on top of it, rather than inside it, and looking at Noah with an almost-smile, as if expecting his praise.

‘He’s almost got the hang of it,’ said Rafael. ‘Just give him time, Noah, he’ll get it.’

‘I don’t mind,’ said Noah, patting the dog on his head. ‘Good boy, Bruno, you can sleep on top of the bag if you want.’ Bruno panted and licked Noah’s hand in appreciation.

‘I think you should go next, honey,’ said Olivia to Noah. ‘Why don’t you pick out one that you’d like to open?’

She saw Noah eyeing the tag on the wrapped guitar case. She nodded towards it. ‘That one’s for you, honey, it’s from Rafa. Go ahead.’

Noah lifted out the guitar case carefully with both hands, and tore off the bow and paper quickly. The case was black leather, and the ran his hands over it in admiration, before snapping it open to reveal the gleaming rosewood of the beautiful guitar contained beneath it. ‘Wow,’ said Noah, his face breaking into a wide smile. ‘It’s so beautiful.’ His face darkened a little. He looked at Rafael tentatively. ‘But you know I’m not really able to play guitar, Rafa?’

Rafael smiled at him kindly. ‘I know you can’t yet, but you are so gifted in music, Noah. So, only if you want, I could teach you, because I can play a little. If you decide you really like it, then I’ll get you proper lessons later.’

Noah laughed in delight. ‘I love it, thank you Rafa.’ He put down the case and launched himself at Rafael, giving him a fierce hug. ‘I can’t wait for us to play guitar together.’

Rafael stayed still in place, and then patted Noah on the back, not sure what do with his delighted reaction. Olivia could see from the small grin on his face that he was very much pleased, and relieved, that the gift had gone down so well.

As Noah returned to this guitar, pulling it out of the case and gently plucking at the strings to test the sound, Olivia decided to join the boys and sit on the rug by the presents.

‘Well, Rafa, I guess it’s your turn next if we’re going according to age?’ She gave him a playfully scathing look.

‘What?’ said Rafael, pretending to be scandalised. ‘You mean you’re not the next youngest?’

Olivia pinched him on the side playfully. ‘Zip it, you,’ she said, and she plucked out a soft package wrapped in gold paper, which was her gift to him. ‘Here you go, Merry Christmas, Rafa,’ she pressed a kiss to his cheek.

He read the tag first, and then tore off the gold paper to reveal crisp tissue paper beneath that he recognised as a favourite clothing brand of his. Under the paper, there was a soft cashmere knit, in a deep, perfect shade of green. He held the sweater up, stroking the smooth fibres appreciatively.

‘It’s beautiful, thank you Liv.’ He said warmly.

‘I thought it would bring out your eyes,’ she told him. She could never get enough of looking at his green eyes, which right now were regarding her with such warmth.

‘I love it,’ he told her, folding it with care and placing it on the coffee table, already planning to wear it later on that day. He pressed a quick kiss to her cheek.

‘Open mine too, Rafa,’ said Noah eagerly, handing him over a small package, with had clearly been wrapped with care, and probably a lot more tape than was strictly necessary.

When Rafael finally got through to the present underneath the tape, it was a dark green silk tie, with a print of a brown and white dog repeated across the green background.

‘See, it’s like Bruno,’ said Noah. ‘So now, you get to take him to work with you, too.’

Rafael beamed. ‘I love the tie, thank you Noah,' he said, reaching out to squeeze the boy’s shoulder.

‘Mom, look, this one here is for you,’ said Noah, picking up a small, beautifully wrapped box and handing it to her.

Olivia read the tag, which said ‘For Liv, Merry Christmas, with love, from Rafa.’

She looked at Rafael carefully as he fingers worked to tear the tightly wrapped paper. There was a velvet box inside. When she opened it up, immediately she saw that it was a pendant, and she gasped softly at the sparkle of the ruby set in the bottom right. She smiled as she read the words on the front, and even more when she turned it and read his personalisation, running her finger over the dents the words made in the gold.

‘I love it, Rafa,’ she told him, leaning in to give him a kiss. ‘And you, obviously.’

Rafael's face turned a little bit red. ‘The words are from a poem,’ he told her.

‘Hey, I know,’ said Olivia. ‘I know I might be a hard-bitten cop these days, but I still remember my Shakespeare from school. That was one of my favourites.’

‘Mine, too,’ said Rafael, his eyes affectionate, as he looked at her.

It wasn’t lost to Olivia that the particular sonnet the pendant quoted had started with the line ‘Let me not to the marriage of true minds admit impediment.’ Of course, it wasn’t a literal marriage that Shakespeare had meant, and yet there went her thoughts, already sliding in that direction. It was hard not to think about whether marriage was where they might one day be going, especially following on from their conversation from that morning. Was that even something Rafael wanted? In general, he didn't strike Olivia as the conventional type.

Olivia undid the delicate clasp of the fine gold chain, and Rafael helped her to put the necklace on.

‘It’s pretty, Mom,’ said Noah. ‘It suits you.’

Olivia looked at Noah and Rafael. She felt very blessed to have these two warm and sensitive souls both in her life, and even luckier that both of them were here with her today to celebrate Christmas together.

Chapter Text

Olivia, Rafael and Noah had all taken Bruno for a walk in the park after breakfast. Rafael wore the new soft green sweater that Olivia had gifted him, and it brought out the green in his eyes just as much as she had thought it would.

There were a lot of families in the park, of varying shapes and sizes. Some of the children were trying out brand new bikes and roller skates. Rafael and Olivia walked arm-in-arm, as Noah took Bruno’s leash, getting pulled just a little bit ahead. Rafael would have bet that to any casual passerby, they themselves must look like another happy family, all of their own.

Once they had returned home, Rafael had taken over the kitchen.

He was intent on preparing a full Christmas dinner with all the trimmings. Noah was his energetic second in command but Olivia was mostly relegated to sitting beside the fireplace with Bruno, drinking tea, and supervising. From the amount of dishes that were appearing, Olivia was fairly sure that they would be eating the leftovers for a few days afterwards. The air was filled with the scent of a simmering port and cranberry sauce, and spices.

Olivia watched Rafael showing Noah how to slice the onions for their homemade stuffing. Noah was hanging on his every word, and watching the movements of his hands and the knife with great fascination. Rafael engaged with Noah with great patience as they went along, looking searchingly to his face to ensure he understood, before he went on to the next thing.

She thought about how much Noah was learning from Rafael already, not only in terms of these basic culinary skills, but in terms of how to be a man who was both reliable and caring. It was the kind of relationship with a male role model that she had always secretly wished for him to have. Long ago, she had made her peace with the reality of it never truly happening.

Rafael glanced up, as if he had felt her gaze, and gave her a small smile, before he went back to carefully guiding Noah’s hand as to how to hold the sharp knife.

She knew that this relationship was important to Rafael too, because he had promised that no matter what happened between them, he would be a presence in Noah’s life permanently.

Rafael had never had biological children of his own. Family life had never even seemed to her like it was even on his radar. Looking back at those times when he had asked her to drinks or dinner, and she had begged off saying she needed to be home with Noah, she realised that she had been on some level testing him. As uncanny as their connection had always been, she had still doubted whether he truly understood how important her role as a mother was to her, how it would trump everything, and everyone else in her life. It wasn't really a fair test, she could now reflect.

Ever since she first saw the brownstone, she had been re-evaluating what she had thought she had known about Rafael. She knew for sure that he had experienced a difficult childhood, and that his parents had an abusive marriage. She also knew how much that could undermine your belief that a secure relationship was within your own grasp, sometimes for decades later. Sometimes, forever.

But then, he had bought this home, and he had made it so beautiful. And then, just recently, he had invited her to share it all with him. He wanted them both there with him, as his family.

She and Noah had lived for so many happy years together in her apartment.

She had memories of him playing with his toys on the floor as a toddler, so many family movie nights on the sofa, and bedtime stories in his room.

It would be a difficult thing, she speculated, to just leave all those beautiful memories behind.

In a way, the apartment had become her fortress too. It was a place where she could protect them both from any harm. It was only recently that she began to wonder if she had kept the fortress walls sealed just a little too tightly, and if she was now in danger of blocking out positive new things from coming in.

Olivia was not blind to the fact that while saying yes to Rafael’s offer presented a risk, that there was also a risk involved in saying no. It wasn’t just the danger that she would lose out on what could possibly be a wonderful life with a man she loved. It was the risk for Noah, that he wouldn’t get to grow up with a true father figure, a man who both cared for him and could give him a strong example of how to move through the world.

Early in the afternoon, the turkey was in the oven and everything else ready to be heated or cooked at the right time. Rafael had handwritten a very precise schedule, which Olivia teased him about good-humouredly.

Noah had been asking to call Conor, as they wanted to both go online and play video games together at the same time. Olivia agreed, but asked him to keep the games to under an hour, so that they could still aim to eat early enough, and have time for a movie afterwards.

As Noah disappeared upstairs, Olivia tapped his list-writing notepad and asked Rafael:

‘Think you can fit sharing a cup of cocoa with me on the sofa into your schedule?’

Rafael smirked. ‘Once you don’t throw me off from my basting routine, I could try and fit you in.’

In the living room, Rafael added some wood to the stove, as Olivia prepared their cocoa. She brought in two mugs, and a small plate of cookies on a tray, and laid it out on the coffee table.

Rafael sank into the sofa, grateful to be off his feet for a little while. Olivia sat close to him, moulding herself to his side and he stretched an arm around her shoulders. She turned to him, her face very close to his, and smiled gently.

‘So, how’s your Christmas day going so far, Rafa?’ she asked him.

He gave a small satisfied smile. ‘So far? Pretty great,’ he admitted. ‘I’ve never really done this whole thing, you know, with having a kid around for Christmas. It sort of brings back the magic to everything, you know.’

Olivia nodded knowingly. ‘I remember how different my Christmases felt after Noah, to before. Especially as he got a bit bigger, and when we had the Santa years together. There had been times before that when Christmas had just felt like another day, back when I was on my own.’

‘Christmas was never like this in my house growing up,’ said Rafael, gesturing to the unwrapped gifts near the softly lit tree, and all the decorations. ‘But my mother certainly did the best that she could. I don’t know if I appreciated before how hard things were for her. It’s sort of different when you see yourself as… well when you can imagine what it’s like to be a parent and worry about a child, and the impact that your decisions could make on them.’

Olivia sighed. ‘It’s never easy. I don’t think anyone ever gets it a hundred per cent right. The only thing you can hope for, is that you’ve done enough that’s good, to outweigh any inadvertent harm you might cause.’

Rafael nodded, but his eyes looked worried and uncertain.

‘For the record,’ said Olivia. ‘I know we’re not at the stage of defining your role exactly, with Noah, yet, but I still think you are doing a really incredible job of being there for him. I can see the difference it’s making to him already, how happy and confident he is in his relationship with you.’

Rafael blushed. ‘Well, you know, I know maybe he doesn’t exactly need a father and he’s probably gotten too old for all that now…’

Olivia laughed incredulously. ‘Rafa, he’s going on twelve, not twenty. I mean, "father" is a tricky word for him, I can’t deny that.’ She didn’t mention Johnny Drake, but they both knew what she meant. ‘I think whatever name you settle on, that will be entirely his own decision. But the word is not nearly as important as the relationship underneath it. At least that’s what I think, anyway.’ Olivia reached out for her cup and took a sip of tea.

Rafael’s body relaxed around her. ‘That’s how I feel too. And I’m glad you think that I’m at least doing okay at it.’ He pressed a kiss to her temple.

Olivia placed her cup down, and gave him a look. ‘You’re doing a lot better than okay, you know that, right?’

Rafael shrugged. ‘If you say so.’

‘Hey, you need to listen to me,’ said Olivia. ‘I was watching him taking lessons from you back there in the kitchen. He just hangs on your every word. He looks up to you, a lot. And I can’t tell you what a relief it is to me, to be able to trust that everything he learns from you, he can trust to be the right kind of lesson.’

Rafael smirked. ‘Oh so that’s what you were staring at. I thought you were just noticing how good I look in this sweater you gave me.’ He pulled at the ribbed hem of the sweater smugly.

Olivia bit back a grin. ‘I mean, I can notice more than one thing at the same time. Of course, I noticed that, too,’ She ran her hand along the soft cashmere covering his bicep, savouring the play of muscle she felt beneath it as he tensed up at little at her touch.

He reached out his hand to tuck her hair behind her ear, and looked at her lips.

‘How long do you think Noah will be gone upstairs for?’ he asked her.

‘Well, you know him and Conor, and their video games. We’ll probably have to drag him downstairs for dinner.’

Rafael smiled. ‘In that case, what do you say to spending the next half an hour or so making out on this sofa like teenagers?’

Olivia was already sliding her hand inside his sweater.

‘I thought you’d never ask.’ She said, leaning in to give him a lingering kiss.

Chapter Text

The rest of Christmas day, and the day afterwards, passed in a joyful blur for Rafael.

Dinner had gone off without a hitch. Then, there were board games, and movies with everyone snuggled up beneath blankets on the sofa by the fire. It almost seemed like a shame to ever let the real world intrude again, or to leave the happy bubble that the three of them, or four, with Bruno counted, had been living in.

Just a couple of days after Christmas day, however, Olivia, Noah and Rafael were gradually packing up their rental car to head for the cabin in the Catskills.

They were bringing plenty of groceries with them, as the cabin had a well equipped kitchen. Rafael had also mentioned a fire pit, so Olivia was sure to include some marshmallows for roasting over the fire.

She observed Rafael’s gleeful grin as he zipped up his suitcase up in the bedroom.

‘It’s not just Noah. You’re really looking forward to this too, aren’t you?’ she asked him, fondly.

Rafael shrugged. ‘Of course I am. We’re getting out of the city. It’s our first vacation away all together. What’s not to love?’

Olivia sighed. Even Bruno was rushing from room to room of the house with an air of excitement, as if he sensed something new was about to happen.

‘And you know there’s that hike with Matt we have to go on, and there’s also dinner with the McCanns, too?’

‘Yes Olivia, of course I remember our plans,’ said Rafael, rolling his eyes. ‘They sound like nice people. And Noah gets to have someone his own age to hang out with, too. It’s all going to be good.’ He turned to catch her by the waist. ‘You don’t need to worry so much, Liv. This is going to be fun.’

‘Do you think it’s been bad for Noah, being an only child?’ Olivia asked, taking him by surprise. Her eyes were serious.

‘What? No, that’s not what I meant.’ Rafael tugged on her hand and brought her to sit beside him on the bed.

Olivia looked down, then, not meeting his gaze. He tilted her chin up towards his face gently with his thumb.

‘What is all this about? Noah’s brother?’

‘Oh, I don’t know, Rafa. I’m not even sure myself. I think it’s just been seeing how happy he was to find his brother. It makes me think that he’s been lonely all this time, that’s all.’

Rafael nodded gravely. ‘And what about you? Had you ever wanted to have more kids than Noah?’

Olivia looked at him. ‘Well, maybe in a different life. I mean, it was a complete fluke that I was able to adopt Noah, at all. As a single parent, they never would have considered giving me a second child to adopt. At my age, I'm well past the point of having a biological child, I have been for some time.’

Rafael drew a breath. He squeezed her hand. ‘Okay, well. This is something for us to talk about more, maybe, in future, if it’s something you want. If things are still going well for us, or if we were thinking about getting married someday. There’s fostering, there’s adopting. There’s things we could still do, if you wanted.’

Olivia smiled, but her eyes were welling up a little bit too. ‘Thank you, Rafa. Honestly, I don’t know if that ship has sailed for me. I mean, I suppose maybe an older kid who needed a home… but then there’s how Noah would react… and… wait, did you say thinking about getting married?’

Rafael smirked. ‘I thought maybe that bit slipped by you.’

‘No, it just took me a second to process. But that’s something that you might want, long-term?’ she looked at him, appraisingly.

‘Well only if you wanted it too, obviously,’ said Rafael, the vulnerability visible in his wide green eyes.

Olivia nodded. She could feel a hint of panic rising in her throat.

‘I guess I had kind of accepted a while ago that my life was just never going in that direction,’ she admitted. He took his hand in hers. ‘Rafa, everything you’re saying is so supportive, and you are so incredible…’

‘But…?’ said Rafael, with an ache beneath the look in his eyes.

‘There is no but, not really. I just still need some time on all of this,’ she told him.

Rafael nodded solemnly. ‘I know that, Liv. I promise, I had no intention to push you, about the moving in thing or… well anything else, really. It’s just that the topic sort of came up.’

‘Well actually, I kind of brought it up,’ Olivia groaned softly. ‘I don’t know why I’m such a mess about all of this, Rafa. I’m so sorry.’ Rafael placed an arm around her shoulders.

‘You’re not a mess,’ he told her. ‘These are all really big decisions, and it’s okay to take your time with them.’

Just then, Noah’s voice carried up the stairs as he called out to her.

‘Mom, have you seen my snow boots?’

Olivia got up and went to the door to shout down to him.

‘They’re already in the car, honey!’

She looked back at Rafael, who was still sitting on the bed. She returned to him, taking his hands and pulling him up to a standing position, just in front of her.

‘That conversation kinda got away from us, huh?’ She looked at him tenderly. She was conscious of how much he had already put himself on the line for her, and how little reassurance she had so far offered him in return.

Rafael nodded. ‘I guess you could say that. I’m okay, though, honestly Liv. I’m glad that you know how I feel.’

Olivia nodded, and he pressed her forehead against his gently.

‘I’m glad, too,’ she said. ‘I promise to let you know how I feel too, about everything. Just as soon as I figure it out.’

Rafael nodded. ‘There’s no pressure on time, really. Take as long as you need. In the meantime, will continue to very much enjoy just being with you.’

Olivia smiled, and then she pressed a gentle kiss to his lips.

‘You know,’ she said ‘Sometimes I just wonder how I could possibly get this lucky. It almost doesn’t feel real.’

Rafael gave her a soft kiss in return. ‘I guess I will just have to stick around long enough that you figure out it definitely is real, then.’

They both heard Noah’s footsteps hammering up the stairs.

‘Mom!’ he was shouting. ‘I can’t see my boots in the car, are you sure you packed them?’

‘Second thoughts,’ whispered Olivia to Rafael. ‘Maybe one kid is plenty, after all.’

In just under three hours, they were pulling up their rental car on a sloped driveway, up a snow-covered mountainside. Olivia was looking up at a very pretty two story wooden cabin, with a front deck that she could already tell had an incredible view of the thousands of surrounding, snow-topped trees.

Olivia had driven the car all the way, with Rafael providing navigation.

‘Wow,’ said Noah, putting down the game he had been playing on his phone. ‘The cabin looks amazing Rafa.’

Olivia stroked his wrist before she secured the hand brake. ‘It does look incredible,’ she told him, giving him a soft look.

Rafael grinned. ‘Wait till you guys see the inside, too,’ he said.

He got out of the car and went searching for the hiding place for the keys, which his friend Shemar, the owner, hold told him was under a particular potted plant near the entry way.

He came back to help Olivia and Noah with the first round of bags from the car, and they all climbed the wooden steps to the front porch. Olivia took a moment to look back out at the wide expanse of trees and mountains in front of them, breathing in the cold, crisp air. Rafael unlocked the door, and encouraged Olivia and Noah to step inside first ahead of him.

The entrance was a double-height lobby, and they all deposited their bags neat the coat stand before beginning to explore. The master bedroom was at the front, with a pretty framed view of the trees on the far mountain side. Olivia noted straight away that the ensuite master bath contained both a good-sized shower, and a generous bathtub with jets.

There were two other double bedrooms for Noah to choose from, also both ensuite. The living area was located upstairs to take the best advantage of the main forest view. There was a large, modern, open plan kitchen, and then behind that a large brown leather corner sofa, with a few armchairs, all angled around an exposed wood-burning stove.

There were floor-to-ceiling windows at the back of the living room, looking out to the snow-covered trees beyond. In front of the windows there was a deck, with the famous hot tub visible just at the end, in a prime location for stargazing.

To the back of the living area, there was a games room with foosball and a small pool table.

‘Mom, look at these awesome games!’ exclaimed Noah. ‘We should have Conor over here, he would love these.’

‘Sure we can, honey,’ said Olivia, feeling pleased to see her son so excited. She slid open the door to the deck, stepping out for a better look.

Rafael came up behind her, and placed an arm around her waist, pulling her towards him.

‘Hear that?’ he asked.

Olivia listened carefully. ‘Hear what?’ she asked him, not noticing anything but silence, and perhaps the occasional distant sound of bird song.

‘Exactly.’ He said, giving her a kiss on her temple. ‘I love how it’s so quiet up here.’

Olivia smirked. ‘It might take me a while to get used to it,’ she told him. ‘I’ve kinda grown accustomed to all the chaos and traffic and sirens of the city, by now. It might take me awhile to adjust to not hearing them.'

‘That’s no problem,’ said Rafael, gathering her to his side with his arm, still admiring the view. ‘We’ve got time.’

Chapter Text

No sooner was the car unpacked and Noah’s bedroom selected, than Ginny McCann had already called to see if she could pick Noah up for a sleepover at their cabin.

Olivia agreed straight away, knowing how excited Noah would be to start spending time with Conor.

As soon as she told Noah about the plan, he began packing his overnight bag excitedly.

She went to the upstairs living room next to tell Rafael. She found him sitting in an armchair by the fire, reading a book. He was wearing his cream cable knit sweater, and looked very much like he belonged here in this woodland setting.

‘So, Noah’s abandoning us for the McCanns tonight,’ she told him, sitting on a chair opposite his and resting her socked feet on his chair to the side of where he was sitting. He put down his book, and lifted up her feet into his lap, and began rubbing them absently.

Olivia leaned back into her chair, enjoying the sensation so much, she almost forgot to be a little put out that the McCanns were already taking Noah away.

‘So you mean we have the place to ourselves for the night?’ Rafael asked her, continuing to rub her feet, applying a little more pressure. ‘Oh no, whatever will we do?’ He actually had the audacity to wink at her.

Olivia giggled a little bit before she could stop herself.

‘I thought the idea of this place was that we were all spending time as a… well, all together?’ She asked relaxing into his touch.

‘Sure,’ said Rafael. ‘But Noah wants to see his brother too of course. And that means that we also get a little time to ourselves, just for the night. So it’s a win-win, right?’

He pressed his thumb into a pressure point on her foot and she emitted a quiet moan, her whole body tingling as she gripped the side of her chair.

He raised an eyebrow and looked at her, his eyes darkening.

She shook her head, and pulled her feet away, trying to regain some sense of composure. ‘He’s not gone yet,’ she reminded him, sitting up straight. ‘But feel free to follow up where you left off, later.’

Rafael smirked and went back to his book, as Olivia disappeared to see if Noah needed any help deciding what to bring.

Noah had soon been picked up promptly by a typically friendly and cheerful Ginny McCann.

Afterwards, Rafael took Bruno for a quick walk, whilst Olivia prepared herself and Rafael a simple meal of pasta and a vegetable sauce for dinner.

After their meal, they took their wine glasses and curled up together on the sofa, looking out the large windows at the falling snow. Bruno had disappeared downstairs, perhaps to sleep in Noah’s room where his bed and sleeping bag were already laid out.

Looking through the trees in the distance, and the lightly falling snow, Olivia could just about make out a crescent moon.

‘It really is pretty up here,’ Olivia remarked.

Rafael smiled. ‘I knew you’d really like it if you came. I’m sure I can borrow it another time, too, just for the three of us.’

‘That would be nice,’ said Olivia. ‘Though, like you said, having tonight to ourselves works out well, too.’

‘How about trying out the hot tub?’ Rafael asked her, gesturing out to the deck.

‘Is it okay to use it in the snow?’ asked Olivia doubtfully.

‘I had a look at the instructions, it says light snow like this is fine. They have a little shelter to the right of it with a towel warmer, too.’

Olivia smiled. 'Okay, let’s try it. I can go change into my suit, and then we can finish our wine out there?’

‘You’re full of good ideas,’ said Rafael approvingly, taking a sip of wine and putting down his glass. ‘I’ll go out and switch it on, now. It takes a few minutes to fully heat up. There are robes and slippers in the master bath, too.’

Olivia went down to the bedroom and changed into the red one-piece with a square neckline, that she had brought with her. She tended to favour more covered up swimwear because of her scars. Though, she had to admit that she had never so far felt even remotely self-conscious about those scars around Rafael. She located a fluffy white robe in the master bath, and soft grey slippers with strong outdoor-suitable rubber soles.

As she returned upstairs, she passed Rafael on his way down. ‘Nice robe,’ He said, giving her a quick once over. ‘Hold on for me a moment. It’s a little slippy out on the deck, so we can walk out together.’

Upstairs, Olivia noticed that there was an outdoor light on now, illuminating the deck. The snow had slowed to just a very sparse flurry. She could just make out the shelter at the end of the deck, and noticed that Rafael had already moved their wine glasses and bottle out to underneath it. She sat by the fire to wait for him to finish getting ready.

A few minutes later, he reappeared in his matching robe, also holding two folded white towels.

‘Okay, you ready to go out?’ He asked her. As she nodded and came to join him, he swung back the sliding door, letting a blast of cold air in.

He took her by the hand. ‘I know the impulse is to rush to get out of the cold, but take your time’ he advised her.

They slowly picked their steps through the soft blanket of snow together.

Once at the shelter, they stowed their towels and robes safely on the covered hot towel warmer. Rafael helped Olivia up the steps first. Stepping into the hot, bubbling water felt heavenly, with the cold outside. Rafael was next, and Olivia held out both her arms to steady him on his way in. Once inside, he rubbed her bare shoulders, teasing his fingers under the straps of her suit.

‘I like this suit,’ he told her. He pulled one strap down a little, and pressed a kiss to her bare shoulder, before placing the strap. He gave her mouth a gentle kiss, next, before feeling under the water to find the bench where they could both sit together. As Olivia took a seat, settling into the hot, frothy water, he reached outside to the ledge of the shelter where he had left the wine, and handed over her glass.

‘Thank you,’ she said, as he sat down just beside her, the sides of their arms just touching underwater.

She gazed out over the moonlit trees. The snow was falling lightly enough that she could start to make out some stars beginning to fill the sky.

‘You'll have to thank your friend for me,’ said Olivia. ‘This is just something else.’

‘I will,’ said Rafael smugly, putting his free arm loosely around her shoulders. The hot water was soothing his muscles in a very welcome way, after a long day spent cooped up in a car. But also, he’d imagined being in this hot tub with Olivia since the moment he had come up with the idea of asking Shemar to borrow the cabin. It had truly been a year of dreams coming true for him, he mused. He stole a glance at the side of Olivia’s face. She had pinned her hair up to keep it out of the water, and there was just one loose tendril falling down near her ear. Her face looked relaxed, he thought, as she looked out admiringly at the stars.

‘We should do things like this more often,’ he remarked. ‘You work so hard, Liv. You deserve a chance to destress and recharge more than anyone.’

She looked at him with an amused grin. ‘And you’re volunteering to help me relax, I suppose?’ she asked coyly.

‘Hey, someone has to make sure you don’t feel tempted to run back to the city to save everyone,’ he told her. ‘I’m just volunteering to be the guy who makes it worth your while to stay.’

‘You can be very persuasive,’ she acknowledged.

‘So I’ve been told,’ he smirked.

For a while longer, they both just enjoyed the relaxing feeling of the bubbles rising through the water, and the soothing heat. Rafael kept an eye on the snowfall, and as it picked up, he suggested that they return inside and dry off properly by the fire.

Once they were back inside, Olivia decided to take off her robe, planning to towel herself dry more thoroughly in front of the fire. Rafael observed her sharply. ‘Can I help dry you off?’ he asked, offering to take the towel from her, sounding just a little bit breathless. Olivia smirked and nodded.

He ran the towel all over her body, taking the time to run his hands over her contours as he did so. Then he slung the towel over his shoulder. He placed his hands on her shoulders, teasing the straps of her suit again. ‘You know,’ he said, plucking at the straps like guitar strings. ‘This thing is so wet, you’d dry off much better without it.’

Olivia shrugged. ‘I guess I would.’

‘So can I take it off?’ he asked. She nodded, and he bit his lip as he slid down the straps over her shoulders. She made light work of it for him, pulling her arms free from the straps for him. Next, he pulled down the suit so her breasts were exposed too. He ran the towel over her lightly, drying off the remaining drops of water, and paused to kiss her just between her breasts, and then run his tongue along the crease between them. He saw her nipples harden, and stopped to run his tongue gently around each one. He saw her ribs expand as she breathed in deeply, closing her eyes.

Gradually, he kept peeling down the wet suit, pausing again at her navel, kissing her stomach as he drew lower down. Finally, he tugged the suit all the way down, kneeling in front of her. She gripped on to his shoulder to steady herself.

She stood in front of him then, naked and flushed from the heat of the fire. He stayed kneeling, and reached forward for her hips, drawing her close to his face, breathing in the musky scent of her. He dipped his head, and tongued kisses along her inner thighs, as she sighed and ran her hands through his hair.

Emboldened, he gripped her ass with both hands, his fingers firm and possessive, as with his mouth he traversed closer to her centre. At her clitoris, he applied a pressure that started out gentle, and gradually became more determined. He could taste her juices as she got more and more wet, that familiar, unique sweetness that he had come to know her by in recent weeks.

He pressed his tongue lower, more firmly, penetrating through her wet folds, and as he entered her, she gasped out loud. Gratified, he kept going, until he felt him tap at his shoulder.

‘Rafa,’ she said.

It took him a moment regain the power of speech, and he leaned back, wiping the wetness off his mouth with the back of his hand.

‘Sorry, what? Did you want me to stop?’

She gripped his hand and pulled him up to face her, kissing him and tasting herself on him. ‘It’s not that, it’s just… I thought we might try… could you press me up against that window there, and come into me from behind?’ She asked him.

He felt himself begin to harden at the idea almost instantly.

‘You’re sure?’ He asked. Knowing Olivia’s history of trauma, he never liked to assume what positions might prove triggering for her. The last thing he wanted was to cause her any suffering, or unintentionally bring back any painful memories

‘I’m sure,’ she said, looking at him, her eyes dark with desire. He quickly divested himself of his robe and his own swim shorts, and was standing in front of her, also naked, and already aroused. She reached down to stroke him teasingly, and cupped his balls, feeling them tighten as the pressure built in his body. She then gripped his shaft more purposefully, firmly rubbing him up and down, and feeling him thicken and jerk in response to his touch. She turned, then, towards the window, leaning her elbows against the wooden, reinforced part of the frame.

For a moment, he simply admired the curve of her ass, and the way her hips flared out at the waist, and he ran his hands along those curves with reverence, before firmly pressing his body, now misted in sweat, fully up against her back, his erection pressing into the flesh of her ass. From this vantage point, they were both looking out at the panoramic view of the moon, forest, and stars at once. He reached around her torso for a moment, cupping her breasts, which he could see reflected in the window, and teasing her nipples gently between his fingers.

‘Jesus, Rafa,’ she said, her nipples hardening at his touch. His hands slipped to her waist, bending her slightly into a more advantageous position. Then, he lid one hand back down to her opening, teasing her a little again and ascertaining that she was wet enough to proceed, whilst his other hand splayed across her stomach, holding her against him. His finger slid inside her, and she gasped, and then he knew she was ready. He repeated the gesture with two fingers, going deeper, and she moaned.

Then, working his other hand around, he positioned himself over her folds and began to slide himself into her just a little at a time. He listened closely to her sharp intakes of breath, and then gradually gained some pressure and rhythm. He gripped one side of her waist and held his own hand on the heavy window, for balance, as his strokes grew more decisive, his hipbones slapping against the flesh of her beautiful ass, his chest pressing up against her back. He reached the hand around her waist lower, pulsing at her clit one more, and felt her begin to tremble. It was a relief, to feel how close she was, as he was now almost painfully still holding back from climaxing, and in this new angle, he didn't know much longer he could last without coming. He thrust again, and again, and finally, as his fingers had slid so much in her juices that he was struggling to find his way back to her clit, he at last heard her cry out. He came then, almost instantly, falling forward and steadying himself against her back.

After a moment, he slid out of her, and drew her up and turned her towards him, to hold her in a sated embrace.

‘Was that okay?’ he asked her, looking into her eyes. He felt slightly uneasy that he hadn’t been able to see her face, during.

‘More than okay,’ she reassured him, pressing a soft, wet kiss to his mouth. ‘I trust you completely,’ she added, for avoidance of any doubt.

He nodded, feeling a post-orgasmic tiredness over take him. She noticed the subtle change in his face straight away.

‘Quick shower first and then bed?’ she suggested.

He nodded pliantly, and followed as she led him downstairs by the hand.

Chapter Text

The next day, Rafael and Olivia drove with Bruno out to meet the McCanns, Conor and Noah up at the trail head.

After a morning mostly spent making slow, deliberate love with Rafael, Olivia was feeling so relaxed that she doubted whether even the annoyingly perfect McCanns could unravel her.

As soon as they stopped the car, and cracked open a door, Bruno had leaped outside with a joy that was irrepressible. It was hard not to smile, Olivia thought, watching the dog bound awkwardly through the deep snow towards Noah.

Olivia saw Noah was looking excitedly in their direction.

She knew he was eager to show off Bruno to his brother. Maybe he also wanted to show off Rafael just a little bit, too, she suspected.

Matt and Ginny McCann were not ones to stand on ceremony, and were quick with hugs by way of greeting. They remembered Rafael from the meeting him at the Tabernacle, of course.

‘Rafael, terrific to see you again,’ said Matt. ‘I must apologise for the last time we met. We didn’t realise then that you were Olivia’s boyfriend.’

Rafael grinned. ‘Oh no, you weren’t wrong. We weren’t together at all, back then, though we have known each other for quite a long time. Olivia and I being together as a couple is still pretty new.’

Olivia looked across at him and couldn’t help blushing, for some reason, at his pleased expression.

Ginny glowed. ‘Oh, well that’s so wonderful. And look at you two, you’re just so cute together. I can tell that you both are still in the honeymoon phase. That’s so romantic.’ She gave Olivia a wink, which rendered her mortified.

Rafael smirked, and wrapped his arm around Olivia, squeezing her through the layers of their insulated winter jackets.

‘Easy there Ginny, you’re going to embarrass Liv,’ he warned her.

Ginny shook her head apologetically. ‘Oh, don’t mind me, Liv. I just think it’s so lovely that you two finally found each other. When I think of all the great work you do, and the wonderful job you’ve done raising Noah…’

Rafael looked at Olivia and saw that her face was reddening more by the second.

‘Thanks Ginny,’ Olivia managed to form a reply. ‘We’re happy to have found each other again, too.’

‘Okay, Matt,’ said Rafael, smoothly changing the subject. ‘I hear you have a trail that the dogs are gonna love. Tell me all about it.’

As their walk uphill progressed, tall, snow-covered pines towered all around the party.

Noah and Conor were in the lead with the dogs. Conor's dog was a slightly loopy but well-meaning cocker spaniel. Matt and Rafael fell into step behind the boys, with Matt enthusiastically giving Rafael the rundown on all the best trails and winter activities in the area.

Olivia and Ginny were last in the procession, partly because Ginny had paused to open her flask and offer Olivia a share of some hot coffee, also providing her with a handy spare travel cup.

‘You know, Liv,’ Ginny said, as they both sipped their coffee together companionably. ‘I’m sure it would be nice for you and Rafael to have some time alone together, while things are still new. Just so you know, we are very happy to have Noah stay with us, any weekend that you want.’

Olivia found herself feeling genuinely grateful for the offer.

‘Well, thank you Ginny, we just might take you up on that sometime,’ she said. ‘Though truthfully, Rafael enjoys having Noah around to hang out with as much as we all can, really.’

Ginny gave her a knowing look, and nodded. ‘I can see that about those two, they have a special bond, right?’

Olivia nodded. ‘It’s been an eye-opener to see how well they get along these days. Especially with the age that Noah’s getting to, now, it’s nice for him to have that.’

Ginny nodded. ‘Believe me, I get it. It’s an age where boys really appreciate being able to have another guy around to talk to, right?’

‘That’s it, exactly,’ said Olivia. ‘Not that we wouldn’t have managed. I mean, I have some terrific male friends, men whom I have known for years, who have always been there for Noah to talk to.’

‘I can imagine, in your line of work,’ nodded Ginny. ‘Still, I bet sometimes it’s nice not to have to just manage too, right?’

Olivia sighed in agreement. ‘Mmm, yeah, that kind of is nice, actually.’

She looked ahead of them to where Rafael was animatedly speaking to Matt about the trail, the two of them gesturing up the hill as they spoke together.

‘It has meant a lot to us, finding a brother for Conor,’ Ginny told her. ‘We’ve always worried a little about him, being an only child. And not only that, but he’s just so shy. He just doesn’t make friends that easily, not like how I can imagine Noah does.’

Olivia nodded. ‘Noah does have a talent for making friends. Though he still has his shy moments, too.’

Ahead, she saw the guys had all paused, waiting for her and Ginny to catch up.

Rafael linked his arm through hers when she was near. ‘Liv, see the side of that mountain?’ he pointed up the hill to a row of trees. ‘Matt was saying that trail there goes right by where we are staying.’

She could see his breath in the air as he spoke, his cheeks flushed red from the cold.

She squeezed his arm fondly through their coats. She felt like taking this trip with him was showing her this more boyish side to his personality, that she found especially endearing. ‘That’s pretty cool. I didn’t know we had a trail so close by.’

‘I know, right,’ said Rafael, as they fell into step together. ‘We could take Bruno up along that trail tomorrow straight from the cabin. We won’t even need to drive to get up there.’

From up the trail, Olivia and Rafael could hear pieces of a conversation Noah and Conor were having.

‘Noah, you should come back to our cabin for lunch after this. My Mom makes the best burgers.’

‘Hmmm, okay maybe, but Rafa makes pretty amazing burgers too,’ said Noah. ‘He cooks them on the grill with fried onions and melted cheese on top, and everything.’

Olivia rolled her eyes at Rafael. ‘You’d literally think I never cooked him a meal in his whole life, to listen to him,’ she grumbled.

‘No way!’ said Conor. ‘Rafa can cook? My Dad can’t cook anything, He even burned toast, the last time he made it.’

‘Hey!’ shouted Matt jovially from behind them. ‘I resemble that remark.’

‘Olivia, you better hang on to this one,’ said Ginny lightly, bumping her elbow against her. ‘Take it from me, men who can cook don’t grow on trees.’

Olivia nodded. ‘I know, I’m lucky. He actually seems to like to cook, too.’

‘Well of course I like cooking for you and Noah,’ Rafael scoffed, as if the alternative was absurd. ‘I could make dinner for us all tomorrow night, in the cabin, by the way?’ He looked at Ginny and Matt. ‘We were all planning to eat together one night anyway, right?’

Ginny looked taken aback. ‘Oh, no, it’s your vacation too, Rafael. We can’t expect you to cook for everyone. We’d been thinking about a restaurant. I usually like to take a break from cooking on vacation, myself.’

Rafael shrugged. ‘Well, I really don’t mind. I’ll be cooking for us three at some stage anyway. I usually make too much as it is.’

‘And Liv, are you sure about having everyone over?’ Ginny asked diplomatically.

Olivia shrugged. ‘Hey, if Rafa’s offering, then I’m always happy to eat his food.’

Olivia could see Rafael was already mentally checking over the list of ingredients that he currently had in their fridge back at the cabin.

‘Well, then that sounds wonderful, Rafael. Thank you,’ said Ginny.

Rafael nodded. ‘Well of course. Ginny, I’m sure you are always cooking for Noah, when he’s with you. I’d be more than happy to return the favour.’

‘Rafa’s the best cook ever,’ Noah told the McCanns, proudly. ‘Wait till you taste his food, you won’t even believe it.’

‘Geez, I’m beginning to think I should just give up and leave all the cooking to you from now on,’ Olivia whispered to Rafael. She could tell from his small grin, how secretly pleased he was to hear Noah praise him to his extended family so openly.

Rafael shook his head. ‘No, Liv. I’ll at least allow you to make the toast from time to time. I still want you to feel useful.’

She pinched his side hard through his coat. ‘Less of that,’ she warned him playfully. ‘And just after Ginny’s been offering to take Noah so we can go away just the two of us for the weekend sometime. It would be a shame if you’ve recently become too irritating to go on vacation with again.’

Rafael’s eyes lit up. ‘A whole weekend away, just the two of us?’

‘Hmmm,’ said Olivia. ‘Maybe, I’m still thinking it over…’

Rafael pressed a cold, firm kiss to her temple. ‘No, no need to think it over mi corazón. I already have the perfect idea for where I could take you. And I promise, no more teasing. I’m reformed.’

Olivia shook her head, disbelieving but still fond.

‘Promises, promises.’

After their hike, Noah went with the McCanns to share lunch in their cabin.

Rafael and Olivia had said they would go to a market in the neighbouring town together for a few supplies, and then pick him up closer to dinner time.

As they browsed through the grocery section of the market, Rafael selected some additional tins of tomatoes and extra spices for the dinner he now planned to cook the following day for the McCanns, adding them to his basket.

‘You know, you really don’t have to do all this,’ Olivia reminded him, as if she was half-hoping that he might change his mind. ‘We can easily switch to a restaurant.’

‘I want to,’ said Rafael resolutely. ‘And I was thinking, too, we should invite Conor to stay with us tonight, don’t you think? Noah wants to show him the games room, and we could roast marshmallows over the fire pit with the boys after dinner. I can make something quick for them to eat first, maybe pasta.’

Olivia looked at him, impressed. ‘You’re really throwing yourself into all of this family time, aren’t you?’

‘Well, if they are taking care of Noah sometimes for us, then it only makes sense if we reciprocate... and I’ve just realised I’m saying ‘we’ a lot. Is it presumptuous of me? I do know that you still make the decisions when it comes to Noah.’

‘Well thanks, but actually, I quite like you being involved,’ Olivia admitted. ‘I guess I have just been used to that dynamic of me being the one at her wit’s end over some crisis, asking the McCanns to help me out and take Noah. They must think that I am so self-involved, but I never really even thought to offer to get them back.’

‘I’ll bet that they thought you were a single parent, with a demanding job, doing the best you could,’ said Rafael matter-of-factly. ‘But now, you have me, and we can take them together. There’s that other room in my place, that needs a guest bed, anyway, when I get back. Plus- I know it sounds weird, but I would like it better if Noah didn’t see being with us as something separate from being with his brother, like he’s having to choose sides between who he spends time with. Sometimes, he should be able to have both. Don’t you think?’

Olivia could have kissed him. She settled for squeezing his arm.

‘How is it that you’ve never had kids before, and you still think of all these things?’ she asked him. ‘Of course I don’t want him to feel torn, either. To be honest, sometimes lately I have just been more on autopilot, than anything.’ In a lot of ways, life without Rafael the past couple of years had felt a bit like just going through the motions, Olivia realised.

‘Liv, it’s so easy for me to make these observations, having come at this from the outside. You’ve been on the inside of it all, doing pretty much everything for the boy. Plus, I’m just being selfish too. I’m still trying to find my way to being a part of his life now, and I definitely don’t want him to feel like I am taking time with you away from him, either.’

‘Please,’ said Olivia. ‘To be honest, if he were choosing between you and me, I’m not very confident I would win.’

Rafael laughed out loud. ‘Liv, that’s ridiculous.’ He was looking through the dried pasta offerings now, selecting a box of spaghetti from the shelves. He turned it over, his eyes scanning the list of ingredients.

‘On I don’t know,’ said Olivia, with a sigh. ‘You remember when things weren’t good between us, a few weeks ago? He told me he’d rather leave the apartment and go and live with you and Bruno, than stay with me.’

Rafael put down the spaghetti box and gawped at her. ‘Noah said that to you? That’s outrageous. I’ll have to speak to him. How could he ever say such a thing? But he was only trying to hurt you, in the moment, you know that, Liv. You’re still his Mom, of course he loves you the most.’

Olivia shook her head. ‘Rafa, no, we’ve already put all that awfulness to rest, so please, don’t drag it up again. He knows he was out of line, and he’s apologised. I’m just letting you know, that you definitely don’t need to worry about being his second choice, especially over the McCanns. He wasn’t thinking about running away to be with them when he was in distress. It was you that he wanted.’

Rafael nodded, looking contemplative. ‘Well, I’d feel a lot better about that if it wasn’t at your expense,’ He picked out a new box of spaghetti and added it to his basket.

She pressed an exasperated kiss to his cheek. ‘Oh, for God’s sake,’ she said. ‘Stop being so wonderful for five minutes, and help me pick out some ice cream for the boys to have on their sleepover.’

Rafael grinned. ‘So we’re going with my idea?’

‘Yes, of course we’re going with your idea. You could at least have the decency not to look quite so smug about it.’

Chapter Text

After dinner that night, Rafael and Olivia had challenged the boys to what turned out to be a fairly raucous game of foosball. There then followed a few further matches and re-matches in various team configurations.

The evening was rounded out by all four of them sitting out on the deck, roasting marshmallows over the firepit outside and sipping hot chocolate.

Olivia noticed that Conor was coming out of his shell as the evening wore on, talking a bit bit more about his life, and that she could gradually see more similarities between him and Noah than she had noticed in the beginning.

After the hot drinks were finished, Noah and Conor went back inside to try out the pool table, whilst Bruno wandered inside to sleep in front of the stove.

Rafael and Olivia were left sitting together on the swinging bench that hung to the side of the deck, still close to the fire pit, with a tartan wool blanket draped over their laps. Rafael slipped inside the cabin and soon returned with two glasses of red wine, to help them both to wind down for the evening.

‘Are the boys all right in there?’ Olivia asked.

‘Sounded like they are having a blast,’ nodded Rafael.

Olivia smiled, and took her wine glass from him. He sat down close to her, and they clinked glasses. In front of them, sparks from the firepit swirled up through the air and scattered out into the night sky.

‘It’s like another world up here, isn’t it?’ Olivia asked him, looking out over the moonlit treetops and the stars.

‘We get so much light pollution in the city,’ said Rafael. ‘I forgot how many stars there are, without it.’

Olivia sank into his side, and he drew his arm around her.

‘You know, I always thought people who wanted to go out camping and spend all their time in nature had a screw loose, honestly,’ Olivia admitted. ‘Which of course wasn’t helped by that time Sheila Porter took Noah to that godforsaken cabin.’

Rafael sighed and nodded. ‘I didn’t know if I should bring that up. I had actually wondered if that was part of the reason why you weren’t sure about coming up here, initially.’

Olivia frowned at the suggestion. ‘No, not really. Not when Noah wanted this so badly. But even if it had been an issue, with you here, I would have known it was all going to be okay, somehow.’

Rafael smiled contentedly and sipped his wine.

‘I do get it, though,’ said Olivia. ‘Now that I am here, I can totally see the appeal. You can hear yourself think. There’s nobody around with car horns, blaring stereos or faulty home alarms that won’t stop going off at 3 am. It’s just you and the trees.’

Rafael gave her a lopsided grin. ‘Well, technically, it's you, me and the trees.’

‘Even better,’ she muttered, nuzzling her face into the crook of his neck.

She breathed him in, the scent of his cologne, pepper, cedar and citrus, mingling with the scent of the pines around them. Imagine this, she thought to herself wistfully, for the rest of my life.

Now that she knew what it was truly like, to love this man, and to be loved by him, it was getting harder and harder to imagine ever going back to the lonelier existence she had before. Even the serious relationships she had previously, all seemed lonelier, or less, in comparison to being with Rafael.

Other men over the years had asked her to sacrifice things, to change, to give up on things she had truly wanted. With Rafael, he only ever seemed to want her to just be herself, and to let him in on how she was feeling.

In some ways, she could understand why she had been more frightened to take the step of opening her heart up to him. Her other partners had only wanted pieces of her, perhaps, but that also meant that she could hold things back, and she never truly had to lay herself bare to them. It had afforded her more of an overall sense of control. Now that she had a relationship that felt bigger than those others, and more encompassing, she could look back and finally see her past with a sense of perspective.

She lifted her head and looked at him with affection. ‘Tell me about tomorrow,’ she said. ‘What’s our plan?’

‘I was going to take the boys on that trail nearby in the morning, and bring Bruno along,’ he said. ‘If you want to come? But it’s problem if you want to stay back here and relax, either.’

‘What, and miss all the fun?’ asked Olivia with a small grin. ‘No way.’

He smiled, and rubbed her arm through her knit sweater. ‘And then, we should get back here in the late afternoon, and I will make a start on dinner for everyone.’

‘Hmmm,’ said Olivia. ‘You think you might need a sous chef?’

‘I think Noah will be busy entertaining Conor,’ said Rafael, deadpan.

She elbowed him lightly. ‘I meant me, dummy.’

‘Well, you haven’t yet been awarded the title of best cook ever, but I guess you might do in a pinch.’

‘You’re insufferable,’ Olivia told him, pressing a kiss to his jawline that said otherwise.

‘Mi corazón, of course I want your help, always,’ he told her. He unwound his arm from around her, took her hand in his and raised it to his lips, kissing it just above the knuckles.

‘That’s more like it,’ said Olivia, with an approving nod, before resting her head on his shoulder.

Olivia had to admit that dinner with the McCanns was actually a pleasant affair, in the end.

Ginny showered Rafael with praise, and asked him for the recipe for his Ropa Vieja. Noah cheerfully played the waiter, topping up everyone’s glasses and clearing away used plates. Over post-dinner drinks and ice cream, Conor brought up an event he and Matt were attending the next day at the big lodge in the nearby ski resort.

‘Tell Rafa and Noah about the race, Dad,’ said Conor, as he scraped the last of his chocolate ice cream from his bowl.

Matt chuckled. ‘I’m not sure this one would be Rafa’s scene, buddy.’ He looked from Rafael to Olivia. ‘It’s a sort of an annual sledding relay race for families. It tends to be a pair with a parent and child, and you take the relays in turns. Fair warning, I have taken an accidental spill from the sled myself more than once before, it can get a bit wild out there. It’s not steep though, so it’s fairly safe, all things considered.’

Olivia appreciated that Matt had not described it specifically as a father-son event, despite the possibility it might lean that way. She looked at Noah’s hopeful expression.

‘That sounds fun, doesn’t it Rafa?’ he asked Rafael, his eyes round.

Rafael smirked. ‘I can’t say I have any sledding skills that I’ve been keeping a secret, amigo,’ he told him. ‘But if you want to, of course we can enter?’

Olivia felt her heart swell. Still, she had to at least put on a show of feeling left out. ‘And what am I, Noah, chopped liver?’

Noah frowned. ‘Sorry, Mom, I forgot to ask you first. If you want to do it, then of course we will. I guess Rafa won’t mind missing this one out.’ He looked with concern from Rafael to Olivia, clearly unsure which adult would be the most disappointed at missing the chance to fall head first out of a speeding sled into the freezing snow.

Olivia guessed from Rafael’s open expression that he would be all too willing to be the one sipping cocoa on the sidelines with Ginny, in which scenario she would doubtlessly continue to praise his culinary talents and try to ply him for his cooking secrets.

However, she also knew that part of the reason that Noah had asked Rafael first was because Conor was already going to participate with Matt. Noah had never really had the chance to do any father-son like activity like this before with the other two. She wasn’t about to take that chance away from him, even if she didn’t hold much stock by traditional male-female gender roles, in practice.

‘You know what, honey, I actually have an old shoulder injury that’s been acting up again, so I think I should sit this one out,’ she told him. Rafael cocked a quizzical eyebrow in her direction, but remained silent. ‘I’ll happy to be there to cheer you boys on from the sidelines, for this one.’

‘You and me both,’ said Ginny with a smile, holding out her wine glass to clink with Olivia’s.

Chapter Text

The following afternoon, as promised, Ginny and Olivia were standing side by side at the sledding area, cocoa cups in hand, as Rafael, Noah, Conor and Matt all prepared their sleds, getting ready for take-off.

‘Fair warning, some of the men can get a bit too competitive about this,’ Ginny warned Olivia.

Olivia nodded, as she watched one father nearby tower over his young son, scolding him loudly and angrily for rounding the corner too tightly and losing them their heat.

‘That guy must be thrilling at parties,’ Olivia said, topping up both their cups from her flask.

‘Right?’ said Ginny. ‘It’s sad when the parents are less mature than the kids.’

In truth, Olivia was feeling a little bit concerned for Noah, as competitive sports in general were not usually his thing. He excelled in arts subjects and dance, but the rough and tumble of the sports field had never attracted him. She had always been secretly glad of that, as his sensitive spirit had always seemed to her a little at odds with the type of aggression you sometimes saw in sports.

Rafael had told her himself on a few occasions that he never went in for sports either, so in that way, himself and Noah were well-matched. However, she was guessing that of the two Rafael was mature enough to handle any defeat with aplomb, whereas Noah might struggle with not doing well in front of Conor, whom he had always seemed so eager to impress.

As the contestants look their places, Rafael sneaked under the rail to speak to Olivia.

‘I think I might be in need of a good luck kiss,’ he told her. She rolled her eyes, and gave him a quick peck, conscious of Ginny watching.

‘Shoulder still acting up, is it?’ He asked her sceptically.

She smirked. ‘Hey, look Rafa, if you’re chickening out, I’m happy to step in.’ She made a gesture as if to hand him over her cocoa, and take his place.

He eyed the cup, clearly tempted. ‘It’s not that I don’t want to do this for Noah,’ he admitted. ‘But there is about a ninety per cent chance that I am about to fall on my ass and embarrass him horribly out there.’

Olivia shook her head. ‘You could never embarrass him, Rafa.’

‘You say that now,’ said Rafael. ‘But you haven’t heard some of the new ‘dad’ jokes I’ve been working on.’

Olivia pulled him to her by the collar of his coat, and gave him a kiss on his cheek.

‘I believe in you, Rafa.’ She told him, in a low voice. ‘He also really loves that you guys are doing this one together.’

He gave her defeated grin. ‘Okay, I guess I better get this over with, then,’ he said, trudging back over to the start line through the snow.

The way the race started out was with the parents steering, and child seated in front of the sled for the first leg. However, the way the combination of contestants in their heat had worked out, it soon became apparent that Rafael and Matt were the top two main contenders in their heat, each several meters ahead of the others, who were gradually dropping out or crashing to the sides of the track.

Olivia found herself getting into the competitive spirit of the race in spite of herself, and cheering them on loudly as Rafael and Noah reached the first switching point ahead of the rest. From his spot on the ground, Bruno looked up at her at the sound of her shout, and she suspected him of silent judgement.

Conor and Matt drew ahead in the next round, and things were neck and neck in the lead up to the final section of the race.

As Noah took the reins of the sleigh the final time, she could see the nerves on his face from the set of his mouth, and her heart went out to him. The snow had become more slippy and treacherous as the race went on, and whilst their sled broke ahead at great speed, outstripping Conor’s, she could spot the moment when the reign slipped from Noah’s hand and the sled began to veer off course.

It barrelled into the rail just to the left, and she could see Rafael try to pull Noah towards him to save him from the impact. Meanwhile, Conor and Matt’s sled flew ahead in a straight path towards victory. They were cheering at the finish line as Olivia handed Ginny Bruno’s lead, before she climbed over the rail, eager to reach Noah and to make sure that he was okay.

In a few minutes, she had almost reached the up-ended sled, and was just behind the last row of trees, when she heard Noah and Rafael speaking. She hung back for a moment to listen.

‘Show me your hand, amigo, can you still move all those fingers?’ asked Rafael gently, and she could see him cradling Noah’s gloved hand in his own.

‘Yeah I can move them, but it hurts,’ said Noah, tears in his voice.

‘I bet it does, I’m sorry,’ said Rafael. ‘There’s a first aid tend down by the cocoa. Why don’t we go get it checked out with your Mom, and then we can get hot chocolate, with extra marshmallows?’

‘You shouldn’t be so nice to me,’ said Noah tearfully. ‘We could have beaten Conor and his dad, and I made us lose. I couldn’t do it.’

‘Hey, hold on, Noah,’ said Rafael. ‘I know we didn’t win, but this was our first time racing, and we actually came in second place. It’s pretty much the highlight of my sporting career to date.’

‘It’s not,’ said Noah, looking down. ‘You’re just saying that. Winning would have been the highlight.’

Rafael put his hands on Noah’s trembling shoulders, steadying him. ‘Noah, for me, spending this holiday with you and your Mom is winning, okay? I’ve been having the most incredible time. I don’t know how to convince you, but where we come in some race for a sport I don’t even understand just doesn’t matter at all, compared to how great it is to be up here with you.’

‘You wouldn’t rather be up here with Conor, so then you could have won?’ Noah asked him, doubtfully.

Rafael shook his head. ‘No way. I’d rather have lost that race with you, than to win it with anybody else.’ He drew Noah into him for a moment, giving him a tight hug.

She heard Noah sniffle, but then a low, but audible ‘Okay,’ before he started looking around. ‘Hey, where’s Mom?’

She emerged from behind the thicket with a grin.

‘Hey there guys. How’s the team doing? Did you survive the spill?’ She quickly approached Noah, throwing her arm around him and squeezing him to her. ‘I’m sorry. You both were doing so great, too, right up to the end.’

‘At least, we’re mostly unscathed,’ said Rafael cheerfully. ‘Although, we might want to get Noah’s wrist checked out at the first aid tent. I think he could have a sprain.’ He mouthed the word ‘Sorry,’ at her over Noah’s shoulder. She shook her head.

‘Well, accidents happen,’ said Olivia. She pulled Noah along, up the hill and away from the sled, as Rafael righted it in time for one of the lodge workers to approach, offering to return it to the finish line for them.

‘Come on honey,’ she said to Noah. ‘Let’s get you bandaged up, if you need it, and then we can get a round of hot chocolates for everyone, and congratulate Conor for the win, right?’

Noah sniffed, but nodded, as she led him away, with Rafael following close behind them.

That night, when Noah was safely tucked into bed, with his wrist resting on a bag of frozen peas, Olivia called into his room to check up on him.

‘Hey there sweetheart, how are you feeling?’ she asked him, looking at his swollen wrist with concern. She pulled up a chair up close to his bed, and rubbed his shoulder.

‘I’m okay, Mom,’ he told her. ‘Rafa brought me a snack already.’ He gestured to a plate on the bedside table, which only had crumbs remaining.

‘So I see,’ she said with a smile. ‘I’m glad to see that you still have your appetite.’

‘Yeah, I’m totally fine,’ said Noah. ‘I’m sorry for being silly about the race before. It was stupid.’

‘Hey, you just wanted to win,’ said Olivia. ‘It’s okay to feel that way, honey. I just want to make sure you still know how special you are, regardless of whether you’re winning or losing.’

‘Rafa already told me all that,’ said Noah.

‘Oh, did he?’ asked Olivia. ‘So he didn’t care that you lost, huh?’

‘Nope,’ said Noah with a small grin. ‘He’s just here to spend time with you and me. He didn’t care if we won at all, once we are both happy.’

‘Well, then I guess that makes us both pretty lucky,’ said Olivia.

Noah nodded seriously. ‘I think it does, Mom.’

‘And tell me, honey, about how you have found this Christmas, with us being at Rafa’s place for the holidays? Have you enjoyed being there?’

‘Of course I like it there. I love being at Rafa’s place, Mom.’

‘Because it’s so much bigger than ours, right?’ she asked him, carefully.

Noah shook his head. ‘No Mom, that’s not why. It’s because we all get to be together there. It’s nice when Rafa is in our place too, only then Bruno can’t come.’

Olivia nodded, thinking it over.

‘So, if someday it happened that Rafa asked us to come live with him, for the long term, how would you feel about that honey?’

Noah’s face broke into a smile. ‘Did he ask us, Mom? Say yes. I want us to do it. That way, we can all look after each other, all of the time.’

‘We’re still working things out, honey, so I still need you to be patient, okay? And you remember that his place is further from your school? It’s a longer journey on the subway for you, every morning.’

Noah rolled his eyes. ‘Big deal. I don’t care about that, Mom. Not if I get to live with Rafa and Bruno all the time.’

Olivia nodded. ‘Okay, I get where you are coming from, honey. I’m glad we talked. Now, do me a favour, and close your eyes and rest for a little while, so that your wrist heals faster, okay?’

Noah nodded. ‘Okay, Mom,’ he agreed, his eyes starting to close already. ‘Love you.’

She leaned forwards, pushed back his curls and kissed him on his forehead.

‘Love you too, honey. Sweet dreams.’

Chapter Text

The Ski Lodge was holding a New Year’s Eve party for all the families in the area, with games for the children, and free ski lift rides, and a big display of fireworks promised in the lead-up to midnight.

Olivia and Rafael arrived just after nine, and Noah had soon disappeared into the games area with Conor, talking Bruno with him.

They strolled through the food stalls that had been set up, pausing to pick up two cups of hot cider.

‘I can’t believe how fast the time is going by,’ remarked Rafael. ‘We only have one full day left tomorrow, and then we have to go back.’

‘It has sort of flown by,’ agreed Olivia. She spotted the line for the ski lift scenic rides. ‘Hey, Rafa, look, the line’s pretty short. You want to give that a try? I’d love to get a better view of the mountains.’

Rafael made a face. ‘Heights are not exactly my thing,’ he remarked. He looked at her, his expression softening. ‘Still, for you, Liv, I will give anything a try. Let’s go.’

They joined the line, and as they got closer to the edge, she could see Rafael begin to bounce from foot to foot, clearly nervous.

‘I can just wait, and go later, with Noah?’ Olivia offered sympathetically.

Rafael shook his head. ‘No, I’m up for it. I’ll be fine once we’re moving.’

They got rid of their empty cups, and climbed into a red, open ski lift bench. The attendant secured a bar over their knees.

With a lurch, the car slowly began to climb higher.

Olivia took Rafael’s hand, holding it firmly, as they quickly gained in height, the trees and people below them rapidly shrinking and moving further away. She looked at Rafael, and smiled when she saw that his eyes were shut.

‘How are you liking that view, Rafa?’ She asked him.

He grinned, but didn’t open his eyes.

‘Just give me a nudge when it’s over.’ He told her with a smirk, still not opening his eyelids.

‘Well, it’s a shame if you’re planning on keeping your eyes closed the whole time we’re up here,’ she said. ‘Because view is pretty spectacular. And also, I wanted to talk to you about something.’

Rafael’s eyes opened suddenly ‘Talk to me about what?’ he asked, looking at her, before his eyes were drawn away by the dramatic view stretching out beneath their feet. ‘Jesus, we are up really fucking high.’

‘It can wait till we get back down,’ Olivia offered, giving his hand a squeeze. She looked around her at the night sky, admiring all the twinkling stars.

‘Nope, I’m ready now.’ He told her, training his eyes to look at her face, and not the far-away forest floor below them.

‘We’d been speaking before, about Noah and I coming to live with you, Rafa.’

‘Yes, I remember,’ he said, looking at her intensely.

‘And you had said, well, I think you had said that when I was ready, and if Noah was ready, too, then you’d like for us all to live together. So right now, I’m just checking in, and seeing is that still how you feel?’

Rafael swallowed. ‘Yes, of course that’s still how I feel, Liv.’ His voice was gravelly.

‘Okay,’ she said still holding his hand. He gripped her fingers back, tightly. ‘You know, I was listening to you speak to Noah the other day, after you both came off that sled. You really nailed that talk, Rafa.’

Rafael cleared his throat. ‘I’ve been doing my best.’ He told her solemnly. ‘Did you hear that kid who had his Dad screaming at him in front of everyone at the race?’

‘He was hard not to hear,’ said Olivia, nodding.

‘That kid was was me. That guy was my Dad. I was always such a disappointment. I would never want Noah to feel that way. Not over some stupid race, or over anything else, either.’

Olivia smiled. She put her gloved hand to his chin, stroking the side of his face gently. ‘I know you wouldn’t. It’s also one of the things I love about you, incidentally.’

Rafael smiled, and looked down at his lap. ‘So where exactly is this talk going, Liv? You said you might give me a time frame, so what are you thinking? A few months, or more? You know that I’m willing to wait for you and Noah to both feel ready.’

‘I know,’ Olivia said softly. ‘I know you’re willing to do that, until I’m ready.’

‘And?’ asked Rafael. She could tell he was trying to curb his own impatience for some clarity.

‘And I’m thinking… let’s just do it right now.’

Rafael stared at her.

‘You really mean it?’ he asked her, his voice hoarse.

‘I do.’ She told him. She leaned in to kiss him. When she pulled pack, she still hovered very near to his face, looking him in the eye. ‘I just think, I have waited so long, to be in this place. We’ve waited so long, to finally get through all of the nonsense, and to just be together. And I don’t want to miss any more time. The days, or the nights, or the times that you can be there for Noah, too, when he needs you. I mean, we all deserve it, right?’

‘Right,’ said Rafael, in a small voice, pushing his forehead against hers. ‘You won’t regret this, Liv. I’m not going to let you down. Not you, and not Noah either. I want you to know that. I’m in this for the long haul. Provided, of course, that I survive this ski lift jaunt.’

Olivia smiled.

‘I’ve got you, Rafa, so you’ll survive it. And the other thing- it’s not only on you to make this work out. I’ll be trying as hard as I can, too. You know that, right?’

The car was beginning a lurching descent, and Rafael wasn’t sure if it was that or the topic of conversation that was causing his stomach to feel like there were a hundred butterflies inside it flying in all directions.

‘I know you will,’ he said. ‘So when are you thinking you guys would officially move in?’

Olivia shrugged.

‘I thought the easiest thing might just be to not leave? We can move other stuff over gradually. I thought that for now, it makes the most sense to just rent out the apartment. I can get a storage unit, if I need to. And then that way, I can also make a contribution to your mortgage, so I don’t feel like I’m not paying my way.’

Rafael shook his head. ‘You don’t need to do that at all. That money should be for Noah’s college fund.’

Olivia grinned. ‘Always thinking ahead, aren’t you? Noah had a very healthy college fund already, I will have you know. I have an investment plan for it, going back for many years.’

‘Okay, well that's good,’ said Rafael. ‘But, I still don’t want to take your money. I mean you guys are my family, and I want to take care of you.’

‘You already do,’ Olivia told him. ‘In every way that matters.’

‘I’m not winning the mortgage argument, am I?’ asked Rafael. He looked below and exhaled in relief to see they were almost back on solid ground.

‘Honey, you’re about to move in with me. You’re never winning an argument again.’

He grinned, and lifted the gloved hand that hand been clinging to the guard rail, to push the hair back from her face gently. He kissed her gently.

‘We’re really moving in together?’ he asked, smiling.

‘We’re really moving in together.’ she nodded.

‘Does Noah know?’ he asked her, as the ski lift bumped back to the ground. An attendant set to work releasing the lock on their guard rail.

‘He knows about the concept, and he agrees. But he doesn’t know about the timing, yet.’

Rafael almost jumped out of the ski lift, and then turned as he stretched out his hand to help her up. Once they were both back on solid ground, he embraced her warmly.

With her still in his arms, he drew back enough to look at her.

‘Liv, I just hope you know how happy you are making me.’

She blushed. ‘I think I have an idea,’ she told him. ‘I’m guessing it’s around about as happy as you’ve been making me.’

He kissed her again.

‘Let’s go find Noah, okay, and tell him?’ he suggested.

Olivia nodded. ‘Okay, let’s.’ She linked his arm, walking him back towards the games area. ‘Have we got a plan for what we’re doing after we tell him?’

Rafael smiled at her. ‘What, you mean besides living happily ever after?’

Olivia smiled. ‘I mean, I had been thinking of watching the fireworks together, maybe even chancing my luck at a kiss when the clock strikes twelve. But I guess, living happily ever after sounds pretty good, too.’

Chapter Text

Rafael and Olivia had located Noah and Conor taking turns at a ring toss game, as Bruno looked on. Matt and Ginny soon arrived, wanting to take Conor over to the dedicated photo booth tent, so they could get a souvenir professional family photo together, as a memento of the trip.

Olivia and Rafael were steering Noah and Bruno towards the beverage tent, thinking they could sit down over a cup of hot chocolate, and talk about the move. Noah kept looking back towards the photo booth.

‘Don’t you guys think we should get a family photo too?’ Noah asked them, suddenly.

Olivia and Rafael looked at each other.

‘You want a photo of us all together, huh?’ Rafael asked him kindly.

‘Yeah, we should have one too. We’re like a family, too, aren’t we, Mom?’

Olivia slung her arm around her son’s shoulder. ‘Yes, we are like a family, sweetie. Of course, we can take a photo if you want. We just need to talk to you for a second first.’

‘What’s wrong?’ asked Noah, stopping and turning to face them both, looking anxious.

‘It’s nothing for you to be worried about, Noah,’ said Rafael. He looked to Olivia for her okay, and she nodded. ‘We wanted to talk to you about you and your Mom coming to live with me, after we get back. If that’s something that you might like to do?’

Noah looked up at Rafael, his eyes shining. ‘Really?’ he asked him, in a state of wonder.

‘Yes, really. I mean, I know I’d really like both of you there, and Bruno would really like it too. So what do you say?’

Noah launched himself at Rafael, throwing his arms around him.

‘I take it that’s a yes,’ said Olivia from the sidelines.

Noah laughed and turned to look at her. ‘Of course it’s a yes, Mom,’ he said, giving her a side-eye. ‘I’ve been waiting and waiting for you guys to figure everything out.’

‘Well, sorry we took so long, amigo,’ said Rafael. ‘I guess we were a little slow.’

Noah sighed. ‘The important thing is, you got there in the end, I guess.’

‘Thanks so much for your patience, honey,’ said Olivia, with a smirk. ‘So what are we doing now, family photo, or hot chocolate?’

‘Photo,’ said Noah, decisively. ‘That way we can hang it up at home, as soon as we get back.’

Rafael was grinning from ear to ear.

‘Come on then, Liv, let’s do the photo.’ He put his arm around her waist, turning her towards the booth.

‘Mom, Conor asked can I stay over tonight, after the fireworks. He and his Dad are doing one last hike in the morning, before they have to leave to meet his Mom’s sister for dinner. They said I can come if I want.’

‘Sure you can, honey,’ said Olivia, though she probably would have agreed to anything, right at that moment. She felt like she was floating on air.

‘And can we take Bruno too? I bet he’d like the walk?’

‘That’s up to Rafa,’ Olivia reminded him.

‘It’s fine with me,’ said Rafael. ‘I know you’ll take good care of him.’

‘I bet Bruno’s gonna be so excited about us all moving in together,’ Noah told Rafael.

‘I think you’re right Noah,’ said Rafael, giving he boy’s shoulder a squeeze. ‘But he’s going to have to work hard to be happier than I am.’

At midnight, they were all standing watching the fireworks. Noah and Conor stood pressed up against the wooden railings, and the adults were more spread out in a row just behind them.

As the countdown began, Rafael snaked his arm around Olivia’s waist, and turned her to face him.

As everyone shouted ‘Three, Two, One…. Happy New Year!’ he leaned in and gave her a kiss, holding her chin in his hand.

She smiled into the kiss. ‘I guess I got my kiss at midnight,’ she said.

‘Well, naturally,’ said Rafael. ‘I mean, I also plan on kissing you every night for the rest of my life. Might as well get a head start.’

Noah turned back from the fireworks to face them, his face lit up with the multi-coloured lights from the firework display. ‘Happy New Year, Mom! Happy New Year, Rafa!’ he shouted over the noise.

Olivia walked forwards to press a kiss to the top of his head. ‘Happy New Year, honey,’ she told her son, fondly, ruffling his hair.

On the first morning of the New Year, Olivia woke up naked in Rafael’s arms. She felt entirely safe.

She picked up her phone, and saw that it was still early. Then, she noticed she had several messages wishing her a happy new year. She shot off a quick reply each to Fin and Amanda, and then paused when she saw Elliot Stabler’s name.

He’d sent her a photo of all of his family, wearing silly hats and posing.

His message read ‘Happy New Year, from an old friend. Miss you lots, Liv. Elliot.’

She sighed.

Beside her, Rafael stirred.

‘You okay?’ he asked, his eyes still closed.

‘I’m fine,’ she said. ‘I was just reading a few New Year’s messages. Fin and Amanda send their love. There was one from Elliot, too.’

Rafael’s eyes flew open. ‘What did he have to say?’

‘Oh, you know,’ she looked down, embarrassed. ‘Not much, just that he misses me. As a friend, I think he meant.’

Rafael pulled himself up in the bed so he was sitting. He rubbed his eyes.

‘Well, I guess I can sympathise. I know what it’s like to miss you, too.’

She looked at him, taking in his sleep-tousled hair. She couldn’t resist running her fingers through it.

‘You know it’s way too early for anyone to be this cute, right?’

Rafael frowned. ‘I’m not trying to be cute,’ he said, reaching to smooth down his hair, but somehow making it worse. She grinned, and leaned in to kiss him.

‘I should make a start on breakfast for everyone.’ He said gruffly. Maybe he was a little bit more upset about the text from Elliot than he let on, she mused.

She shook her head. ‘Noah’s not here,’ she reminded him. She ran her hand down his bare arm. ‘There’s no need to rush off so quickly.’

He looked at her, his mouth twisting into a grin. ‘You know, Liv, I’m not just here to be used at your beck and call, whenever the mood strikes you.’

Olivia tutted. ‘I mean, that’s just the basis I thought I was moving in under,’ she told him, pulling down the bed sheet, and running her hands over his bare chest, feeling the familiar patches of hair, taking her time. She got to a certain spot on his ribs, where she knew he was especially sensitive, and she felt him shiver beneath her. She raised an eyebrow. ‘I can stop, if you want, of course.’ She looked at him through her eyelashes.

He groaned, and sank down into the bed.

‘Why can’t I ever say no to you?’ He asked her dolefully. His hand was already drawn to her waist, and he gripped her as she climbed up on top of him.

‘Rafa, of course you can say no to me. We both believe in affirmative consent, right?’

She was straddling him now. He nodded almost sulkily.

‘I don’t want you to stop,’ he muttered.

‘Sorry, can you speak up?’ she asked him playfully, stroking his chin with her index finger.

‘I said I don’t want you to stop!’ He said more loudly.

She smiled, and pressed a kiss to the side of his neck, and then another, and another, sucking gently at a spot just below his ear. She could feel him getting harder beneath her, at the point where his erection was pressed against her belly.

She looked down at his flushed face, seeing how he was struggling to compose himself in the face on the oncoming tide of desire that was washing over him.

‘I love you so fucking much,’ she told him. ‘You know that, right?’

He looked at her softly, and cracked a lovesick smile.

‘I love you too, Olivia,’ he said, propping himself up on his elbows to kiss her full on the mouth. ‘I can’t believe we get to wake up like this every morning, from now on.’

‘Well, not exactly like this,’ she told him, beginning to trail his collar bone with kisses, then veering a little further down his torso.

‘I mean, after spending day after day, and night after night together, it’s gotta eventually get boring, right?’

She continued her pathway of kisses, pressing her tongue to his belly, and still heading on a downwards trajectory.

‘Well, I don’t know about that,’ he told her. ‘But I’m willing to… oh Dios!’ he gasped as she took him inside her mouth. ‘Put it to the test…’ She tongued his shaft with a gentle pressure, and felt him thickening inside her mouth.

He grabbed at her head, his fingers getting caught in her hair. ‘Oh God, Liv, you need to slow it down or I’ll…’ She drew back, releasing him from her mouth, and looked up at him with a sheepish grin.

‘Sorry,’ she told him. ‘I guess I got kind of carried away. I think I’m just kind of excited about living with you.’

He tugged on her hand, bringing her up to kiss her on the mouth, cupping her breasts in his hands and teasing her nipples with his fingers.

‘You’re not more excited than I am,’ he told her.

She reached down, and stroked his dick, which jerked at the contact. ‘I know, I can feel how excited you are,’ she whispered in his ear, breathily.

He huffed. ‘I didn’t mean like that. Get your mind out of the gutter.'

The feeling of her breath inside his ear was doing things to him, too. Then, she just breathed lightly in his ear, and his dick jerked again. He could feel some pre-ejaculate gathering at the tip already, preparing for him to be inside of her. He groaned, turning his head and burying it in the pillow, which also smelled like her.

‘Someone’s very sensitive, this morning,’ she remarked.

‘I can’t help it,’ he told her. ‘It’s never been like this for me with anyone else.’

‘Hey, I get that,’ she told him frankly. ‘It’s like that for me now, too.'

He grabbed her by the waist and flipped her underneath him, getting on top of her.

He ran a sure hand along her side lovingly, and then slipped it between her thighs, beginning by rubbing his knuckles gently against her clit. She moaned.

He stroked at her labia with his fingers, as his thumb pressed against her clit, and his mouth was on her neck, sucking lightly on her skin, making the little hairs at the back of her neck all stand on end.

‘Don’t tease me too long, Rafa,’ she warned him, with a stern look in her eye.

He could feel how wet and swollen with arousal she was already, as his fingers began to penetrate inside her folds. There was something about this morning, he thought. It felt almost like they were newlyweds, starting out together for the first time. Every sensation, every touch, was intoxicating to him. He didn’t feel like he could ever truly get enough of her. He buried his nose in her neck, underneath her dark hair, breathing in the musky, faintly floral scent of her shampoo.

She gripped at the sheets around her. He raised his head to look at her face, and she looked back at him for a moment with such desire and vulnerability that it almost took his breath away.

He slid himself inside her then, his strokes coming in deep and firm. She was so wet that there was little resistance. He also felt completely at home with her warm walls pressing in around him. She thrust upwards towards him, and he still held two of his fingers on her clit, applying a light, rhythmic pressure, as she began to buckle underneath him from the weight of the pleasure.

Her head was tossed to the side, her hair obscuring her face completely, and she was coming undone. He felt the waves of her orgasm through the skin of his belly as it hit her core, and he then quickly found his own release in its wake.

After a moment, he slid away from her, and pressed himself up beside her tenderly.

She disappeared into the master bathroom only for a moment to clean up and use the bathroom, and when she returned, she reached for him, and brought him flush to her chest, face to face, their legs tangling, their still-damp skin adhering together like they were a part of each other.

‘It’s still early,’ she told him softly. ‘How about we start the year off right with a quick nap?’

He smirked, his eyelids already fluttering closed, as she turned her back to him and he spooned up against her.

‘Happy new year, Liv,’ he murmured in her ear, as he drifted back to sleep.

‘Happy new year, Rafa,’ she replied, before joining him in a deep slumber.