Chapter Text
Rafael Barba surveyed his kitchen with a critical eye.
He had put away any tools or items that he thought might be dangerous for Carisi’s younger children. In the fridge, he had a couple of homemade dips, and some burgers and veggie burgers that could he could grill on the deck out back. Kids liked burgers, right?
He knew that he would be much more relaxed if it was just Carisi coming by with the kids again. It was the idea of Noah that was throwing him off.
He had been shocked to see Noah at the choir service. He was so much taller than he remembered, more of a young man, already. He had grown out of being the playful little boy that he had remembered. But the smile that spread across his face when he spotted Rafael was much the same as the child’s smile had been.
Rafael’s heart had jumped to his mouth, because when he saw Noah, he expected Olivia, and he did not feel ready. How ridiculous, after more than two years, to still feel so ill-prepared. His mother being there made it worse. She didn’t know what had happened between them, and she wouldn’t understand, though she would likely suspect that the problem had somehow arisen as a result of his pig-headed-ness. Which wouldn’t be entirely wrong, either.
But he had seen Noah, and then his mother had encouraged him with that invitation, and then Carisi had called. The whole thing had spiralled out of control so rapidly
He had come to accept a quiet life.
The brownstone, he had bought in 2021, in January. He remembered wishing Olivia a happy new year in the street, and walking away with such a feeling of hope that he was turning a corner. That maybe, just maybe, they might turn a corner.
A fee had come in from a class action civil suit he had lead on mainly as a favour to an old friend who was one of many employees poorly treated due to her company’s sexist advancement practices.
His mother had been telling him for years that he needed to invest in a real home, and so it happened that one frosty day after walking her to a choir service, he saw the for sale sign. He just felt something straight away, looking at the front steps and the sash windows.
The owners were in a rush to sell, and prices had dipped because of the pandemic, and so he just rushed right in, and signed the contract. The mortgage, minus his sizable deposit, was manageable. It needed work, but he could do that over time, raise money for the larger expenses, and try his hand at some of the easier work himself. He still knew one of two guys from the Bronx in construction he could call on in a pinch.
He'd seen Olivia after he had bought the place, but he didn’t tell her about it. The words were on the tip of his tongue, one night over dinner, and then he thought better of it.
He couldn’t put his finger on why.
He began to develop a plan of how he would get all the work done, have the floors finished, the painting done, and then invite her over some day and surprise her. But then, life had surprised him instead.
He glossed over the nightmare that was the Richard Wheatley trial in his memories, but he still remembered how it felt, coming back to the house afterwards, and realising that she would never set foot through his door, not after all that. Not after she said that he betrayed her, and she could never get over it.
Seeing Noah had brought that feeling back to the forefront of his mind. Because even Noah, on some level, had to know that who he really was, was the man that Olivia Benson no longer wanted anything to do with. Even Carisi felt sorry for him, which was a truly humbling experience, at first. Over time, though, it started to feel more like true friendship.
Walking through Prospect Park in the drizzle in Fall of 2022, he had heard a bark behind him, and turned to see Bruno, a mongrel, with some Collie and some German Shepherd in the mix. He had no leash, and no collar, and looked like he had seen better days. Barba knew the feeling. He had tried to discourage him from following, even thrown a stick to direct him away as he picked up his pace, but that damn dog had followed him all the way home.
By then, the rain had become even heavier, and he hadn’t had the heart to leave him on the stoop, so he let him inside. The rest, as they said, was history. He had tried the webpages for missing dogs and the local vets and shelters, but no owner came forward. So he got him up to date on his shots, and now, he had a dog.
He had to admit, there were times it was nice to have the company. When he went in to the office, Bruno stayed in a dog day care run by his neighbour, Sarah. When Rafael arrived to pick him he, the dog was always thrilled to see him. He would bark joyfully and stand up to place his paws on Barba’s legs, expecting to have his head rubbed and his chin scratched, and it became hard to care about the paw prints he might leave behind.
He was company to watch an old movie with, on a rainy night. The thing he had come to appreciate about the dog, was how non-judgemental he was when it came to bestowing his affection. He just offered up love and appreciation, and expected so little in return, bar food and a dry place to sleep. Bruno also made the house feel more like a home. If Rafael needed to travel for a longer time, his mother would often come to the house and look after him, which meant he wasn’t spending too much time with strangers.
This life, in this house, still sometimes felt surreal, and it was not where he had seen things going for himself. Especially not the decision to step back from work and focus on getting the house in order.
Since the Householder case, he had become more aware of the risk of burnout, and the importance of preserving his mental well-being. A few month ago, he had found himself dwelling on the outcome of a case, a wrongful conviction he hadn’t been able to prevent. He had seen the signs in himself, the lack of sleep, the tendency to have that one more drink than he should have at the end of a night. And he had acted in self-preservation, and cut way back on his hours for a while. He’d started doing things like going for long walks, taking his mother to see the choir sing... and of course, that was when fate intervened, and he had come across Noah.
He'd done the right thing, checking in with Liv that the visit was all right with her. He had never really expected her to come by, herself.
But then, she had called him.
He hadn’t expected that, either.
Maybe it was just wishful thinking, but he had even thought that he could even hear a little warmth in her voice. And she was happy for him to spend time with her son. He couldn’t help but think that must mean that she couldn’t think so little of him, after all. Maybe that choice to defend Wheatley, as much as it had hurt her, wasn’t the only thing she remembered about him, and about who he really was.
He tried to push down the hope he was feeling, that maybe this could be the beginning of them putting the past away. The hope kept rising up, though, and then there was a knock at the door.
Noah was the first one at the door, with Jessie just behind him. Carisi held the hands of both Billie and Nicky, who was now a toddler, as they made their way more slowly up the front steps.
‘Hi Uncle Rafa,’ said Noah, and he gave him a quick hug, without any apparent thought at all.
‘Noah, Jessie, it’s so good to see you, come on in,’ he stepped out of the way to let them pass, and both kids wiped their feet on the mat before going inside. Carisi lifted Nicky up the last few steps, and then looked up with a flushed face, and a smile.
‘Sorry we’re a little late, man, we got caught up on the swings.’
“Don’t even mention it, it just gave me a little more time to get myself together.’
It did his heart good to see Carisi so happy. Irritating as he had been as a colleague, he had always been a good man, a principled guy, and he had turned out to make a very good lawyer too. There was a confidence about him, too these days, now that he was a father, and a husband. Rafael could remember the days when Carisi had been admiring Amanda from afar, whilst she chose other men, sometimes even men who hadn’t treated her the way that she deserved. He was able to empathise with how that must have felt. But now, here he was, on the other side of it all, and miraculously, for once, the nice guy actually had gotten the girl.
‘Can Billie use your bathroom? She’s been asking all the way here.’
Barba looked down at Billie. ‘Yes, of course she can, it’s the second door on the left.’
‘I remember from last time,’ said Carisi. ‘Can you take this guy, he’s tired of walking?’ He handed Nicky straight into Barba’s arms, which reminded him of how Olivia had once handed Noah to him. He liked to think he was a little bit more relaxed about it, all these years later.
‘Sure, no problem,’ said Barba. As Carisi disappeared to show Billie to the bathroom, Nicky gazed up at him with big, watery eyes.
‘I have snacks in the kitchen.’ He told Nicky. ‘You like snacks, right?’
He started to carry him inside, and heard Bruno bark out on the deck behind the kitchen, clearly excited to see the guests arrive.
‘Is that your dog, Uncle Rafa?’ asked Noah. ‘Can we let him in, can I pet him?’
‘We can, Noah, just let me set Nicky down,’ he placed Nicky sitting up in a low armchair hear the patio door. ‘Jessie, can you watch your brother for me?’
‘Sure’ said Jessie, sitting into the chair beside Nicky and putting her arm around him. Rafael could tell what a great big sister she would become, already.
Carisi came back into the kitchen.
‘Carisi, I was going to let Bruno in, none of the kids are scared of dogs or anything, right? He’s very gentle.’
‘Yeah, it should be fine. We’ll be right here to keep an eye on things.’ Carisi took a seat at a bar stool by the counter.
As soon as the door opened, Bruno raced inside, and around the kitchen, stopping to sniff each of the new guests. Noah lavished him with the most attention, which he was happy to accept.
Noah turned to him with shining eyes. ‘Bruno is the best dog, Uncle Rafa, you are so lucky.’
‘I guess he’s okay.’ said Rafael with a smirk. ‘When he’s not chewing up my new Italian loafers.’
‘Good to know you’re still a clothes horse,’ said Carisi, taking a tortilla chip from a bowl on the counter. ‘Some things never change.’
‘There’s some dips to go with those in the refrigerator,’ said Barba. And I have some burgers we can grill too, if you think the kids would like them?’
‘That sounds awesome, thanks.’ said Carisi, going to look in the fridge.
‘Do you have any treats we can give Bruno?’ asked Noah, keen to bolster his burgeoning friendship.
‘I’m pretty sure I have some biscuit things somewhere.’
Rafael went searching in a drawer and retrieved a small bag.
‘Thanks,’ said Noah.
He told Bruno to sit still and then rewarded him with a biscuit. ‘You’re a clever dog,’ he told Bruno.
He looked at Rafael. ‘I want a dog so much, but my Mom won’t let me have one.’
Carisi and Rafael exchanged a look. Rafael hoped Carisi might answer, but he wasn’t forthcoming.
‘I guess that’s because you live in an apartment, Noah. Dogs like Bruno kind of need a yard. I probably couldn’t have kept him, if I didn’t have one, because he wouldn’t have anywhere to let off steam.’
Noah looked sceptical.
‘Maybe if Mom comes here, and she sees Bruno too, she’ll change her mind about the dog?’
This time Carisi did interject. ‘Now, hang on Noah, I know your Mom well enough to know that she’s not that easy to talk into things.' Carisi and Rafael exchanged a knowing look of agreement.
'Plus, she has a lot on her plate with work right now. And Rafael’s right that you that you don’t have the space for a dog like Bruno, in your place, either.’
Noah sighed, and Rafael could tell that the argument was far from over. As a long-time pro-longer of arguments himself, he knew the signs of someone who had not given up.
‘You know, you’re welcome to visit Bruno again, anyway, Noah. Maybe you can help me talk him for a walk sometime too, I can show you how he likes to play frisbee.’
‘That does sound like fun.’ said Noah.
‘Yeah it does,’ said Carisi, setting out the bowls of dips and uncovering them. ‘Kids, who wants some chips, these dips look so good, by the way, Rafael.’
Rafael shrugged in response.
Noah left the dog and walked to the counter.
‘Don’t forget to wash your hands before you eat,’ Carisi reminded him, and he nodded and made his way to the sink.
He turned around to look at Rafael again as he washed his hands.
‘And if we go for a walk with Bruno, Uncle Rafa, then Mom’s invited too right?’ he asked.
Rafael paused. ‘Well, of course your Mom is always welcome, Noah. She’s just very busy right now with..’
‘…busy with work, yeah I know,’ said Noah, drying his hands and reaching out to take a chip. ‘But she can’t be busy all the time.’
Rafael bit back a response. He was coming to understand that Noah was now at an age where he would not be easily deterred from getting his own way. Which was fine, once it didn’t cause him any problems with Olivia.