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Published:
2023-12-19
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1,675
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1/1
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My Favorite Omori Ship is Skill Issue Too Bad That's Not What I'm Writing

Summary:

Meggo if you're reading this I'm sorry

Everyone else I'm not

Iplay37 I'm watching you you better enjoy this

4rk I have no regrets
Based on Absurdism & Change: A Guide by Sunny Suzuki by Folding_4rk

Notes:

Summary - wait this isn't where it goes? Oh well

Based on Absurdism & Change: A Guide by Sunny Suzuki by Folding_4rk

So I was in the official server and we were discussing ships and somehow we got to the ship of Kel x Hero x Mari x Sunny x Basil x Hana x Nathan x Sophie x Jan™ (Jean man) (I mean he has a name but I only know him as Jan™) (Well that's not true his name is Asif but fuck it he's the Jan™)

Ship Name: Sunbrowned Incest with Fresh Jean Men
Sunbrowned for Sunny, Kel, and Hero, Fresh Jean Men for Jan™ and Basil, and Incest for all the incest :D

(See the end of the work for more notes.)

Work Text:

I sighed and rolled over in bed, where the creature known as "Hana" by the common folk laid next to me. She was looking at something on her phone. Probably some anime shit, if I knew her. She put her phone down.

"Sunny."

"Hana."

"I'm boooooored."

"Too bad."

"I want to talk about something."

"Then do it."

"But I don't know what to talk about," Hana groaned, rolling over onto her back and smushing me in the process. She smelled like anime, if that had a smell. Ew. 

"Too fucking bad," I scoffed, shoving her off me.

"Tell me what you're thinking about." I thought for a second, sitting up.

"I guess I'm thinking about my sister. And her boyfriend. And his brother. And my childhood best friend. You know, just people from my old town."

"How come you have a boner then?" Hana asked. I glanced down in panic. I wasn't thinking that hard, was I? Oh, wait.

"Fuck you," I grumbled, shoving her over.

"Come on, Sunny, it was funny!"

"I genuinely thought I had a fucking boner! Go kill yourself." Hana laughed hysterically, spread out on my bed. I glared at her and reclined.

"Aw, come on, you can't stay mad at me," Hana blinked in a way that I assumed was supposed to be endearing. I scoffed. 

"Just watch me." There was a long period of silence where Hana went back to messing around with her phone. I shrugged, assuming I'd just go to sleep, and settled down on my bed so that I was laying on my back, smooshed away from her slightly. I was just about to fall asleep when the worst sound in the entire universe assaulted my tympanic membranes. 

"Sunny, wake up," Hana pestered. "Sunny. Sunny. Sunny. Snnuy. Snnuy-"

"I'm sorry, what did you call me?"

"I called you by your name, Snnuy."

"...This is the second time you've called me that."

"The first time was over chat, Snnuy, that doesn't count." I sat up, groaning.

"Whatever. What do you even want?"

"I called Nathan, Sophie, and Asif. They've got a car out front ready to take us to your old town place." I stared at her as she sat up and fixed her hair. There were so many questions in my head right now. Just so many of them. A few were about how in the world Hana got to that conclusion, or how they got there so fast. In my opinion, though, there was only one question that needed to be answered.

"Who the fuck is Asif?"

"How do you not remember Asif?" Hana asked, rolling her eyes. "He was our manager." I stared blankly at her, which was pretty much my default, but still. "He wore a jean jacket for a while?"

"Oh, the Jan™," I realized, snapping my fingers.

"The Jan?"

"No, the Jan™. The Jean Man."

"You know him as the Jan™?"

"Emphasis on the ™, yes."

"Well, he's outside with Nathan and Sophie. Come on." And with no other warning, Hana grabbed my hand and yanked me outside. Nathan and Sophie were there, and there was a man wearing a jean jacket in the car. I assumed he was the Jan™. Hana picked me up, threw me in the car, and then we were off. Most of the car ride was in silence, with me upside down awkwardly in the back seat, Hana on one side of me, holding my leg. A person who I believed was probably Jan™ was on the other side of me, gently patting my... stomach? That was weird. Nathan seemed to be driving, and I was fairly certain Sophie was sitting really close to him whispering something. It seemed personal from the way that the car swerved. 

Oh, don't get me wrong. I was still curious. Who cares about other people's privacy? Alas, I was stuck upside down in the car. The scene change seemed to take foreeeever. But eventually, Hana yanked me out of the little nook I was stuck in. Asshole. 

"Alright, Snnuy, lead the way!" Hana cheered, shoving me forward. I definitely did not stumble, and I did not need to right myself before speaking.

"Lead the way? Weren't you the one who brought me here?"

"Yeah, 'cause you wanted to be here with your sister and friends and shit," Hana scoffed. "Now lead the way." I sighed and turned. I wasn't really heading anywhere in particular, I guess. Just into Faraway Town. My old home. Like I wanted to be here. Whatever. I just turned off my brain and walked. Somehow, I ended up in the graveyard. At night. In the rain. With my friends behind me. 

Fun.

I walked up to the door, walking in, and guided the circus troupe behind me towards the spot where I knew Mari's grave would be. 

"Uh," I stopped roughly four feet 11 inches away from the gravestone. There were two people pressed up against the gravestone, the more athletic person holding up the other one. The person with his back to the stone looked up, his face morphing from pleasure into shock.

"K-kel," he stammered. I stared right back at him, as his grip on Kel's back shifted.

"I've got you," the other man moaned, and suddenly I got the feeling that I knew who both of these people were.

"No, Kel, w-wait," the first man tried again.

"No, don't stop on our behalf," I deadpanned. Kel froze and slowly turned around. Yep. That was Hero, his brother, pinned against Mari's gravestone. Normal stuff to find in a graveyard at, like, midnight. Kel dropped Hero on the ground, backing up quickly. Huh. It appeared neither of them were wearing pants.

"Sunny! Hey! And the people who asked me if you were gay that one time! Nice seeing you," Kel chuckled awkwardly. He tried to lean against the gravestone, seemed to realize something, and began looking around. "Where are my pants?" Hero sighed heavily and pinched the bridge of his nose. 

"Don't forget the Jan™," I reminded. Everyone looked at me in confusion, minus Hana but she wasn't a person anyways.

"Who's the Jan?" the Jan™ asked.

"You are. Jean Man. Jan™. Emphasis on the ™."

"That's Asif... Sunny, are you okay?" Sophie asked. 

"Of course I'm okay. The question we should be asking is why did I just find Kel fucking his brother on my dead sister's grave," I mentioned, gesturing at Hero and Kel, one of whom seemed to be internally dying and the other was still searching for his pants. Where did he even take them off? His house? The graveyard? Are they in the church? I'm actually fucking invested now.

"It's simple," Kel called, sticking his head in a bush in search of his pants. "Hero missed Mari, so we came out here."

"Doesn't explain why you were having sex," Nathan muttered resentfully.

"Come on, bro, are you saying you wouldn't fuck either of them?" Sophie asked in mock surprise.

"I'm just saying, aren't they brothers?" he rebuked.

"Are you saying you wouldn't fuck me?" she asked, pushing herself up against him. His face flushed red.

"Well, I, uh, what?"

"Oh, hey, guys," a familiar, high pitched voice called. We all turned to see Basil walking in, a shovel in one hand and some fabric in the other.

"My pants," Kel cheered. "Basil, you're the best!"

"How did your pants even get inside the church, Kel?" Hero groaned, sitting down on the grass. "Also why does Basil have a shovel?"

"Oh, why I have a shovel? That's easy," Basil chuckled. "I'm here to dig up Mari. Grave digging and necrophilia, yay!" I laughed.

"Sweet, guess we're all here for the same reason then," I shrugged. Everyone - including Hana - looked at me.

"I'm sorry? Sunny - I mean Snnuy - we're here to dig up your sister's body?" Hana asked.

"And fuck it."

"We're here to dig up your sister's corpse and have sex with it?"

"Yes." There was a long period of silence where everyone just kind of stared at me. The first sign of movement was Sophie shrugging.

"Ok, cool." And with that, she threw herself onto Nathan, whispering something that sounded as if it was stolen from the insane part of a fanfic discord server. Like some sort of fanfic of a fanfic written by an author. There can be some weird fucking side effects of those. Fanfic can spawn fanfic can spawn fanfic. Not that I'd know. I'm far too redpilled to read fanfiction. I only write it so the masses can hang on my every word. Too bad I only have, like, 42 kudos on AO3. I've seen fics with 519 kudos. That's a lot.

Where was I? Oh, yes, Nathan and Sophie were now having sex. 

Basil had managed to dig up Mari's body, and he and the Jan™ were repositioning her body. Hana was cheering them on. Kel threw his pants halfway across the graveyard and lifted his brother, slamming him against a tree. Hero gasped as Kel leaned in. Finally, I turned towards Basil and Hana holding Mari's body, who both beckoned me closer. Within minutes, everyone was having sex with everyone. Hero was pinned between Kel and Jan™. Sophie was on top of Nathan, pushing him into Mari's grave, whispering something about the hapsburg jaw and a kid. Basil was standing behind me, holding Mari's corpse so she was bending over, her ass pressed up against me and her face pushed into Hana's anime school girl skirt. Hana leaned over and kissed me. I'd never say it to her stupid, anime-loving, ignorant face, but she was a nice kisser.

There was a rumble from deep within the earth as everyone came at once inside our siblings. The earth split apart at all the depravity going on in this graveyard at 3:28 at night. I was the first to fall into the core of the earth, my skin melting as the world ended.

My last words were "No regrets, bitches," as the world split apart and burned.

Notes:

FINALLY
FUCK AAA THIS TOOK SO LONG