Chapter Text
One day the Once-ler was Once-lering, and the Once-ler was like "man, all this Once-lering makes me hungry… Hungry for dick! Jk Jk." The Once-ler decided to go to Walmart to get some food. He could have gone to Target to get an employee discount but there wasn't a Target nearby.
The Greed-ler worked at Walmart because he needed a job after the Thneed business shut down. He planned on moving up the ranks, but for now, he is ringing up the people of Walmart. A lot of people recognized him and made fun of him for ruining an ecosystem and that made the Greed-ler sad because it's not like that was his fault. He even made an apology video on YouTube shifting the blame on The Lorax with a fun song, but people just made fun of him more. Then he made a TikTok calling his haters a bunch of losers while furiously strumming his electric guitar and then making out with it. He still had a few fans though who thought that this was brave and hot.
The Once-ler got to Walmart and got some hot Cheetos, string cheese, baloney, and white wine for a working man’s charcuterie board and then went to the register, and what a fucking coinky-dink, it was the register the Greed-ler was at. “Nice meal” the Greed-ler snarked.
“What’s that supposed to mean, loser?” The Once-ler crossed his arms.
“Your food choice sucks, man. You’re so fucking weird.”
The Once-ler was getting angry “Well at least I’m not a grumpy asshole like you, whore.”
“OK, that’s it!” The Greed-ler climbed over the counter and bitch slapped the Once-ler and The Once-ler was like “Omg you’re crazy!” and tackled the Greed-ler to the ground. The Greed-ler grabbed the Once-ler’s hair and pulled it and the Once-ler kneed the Greed-ler in the dick. A crowd began to form around them and they thought they were banging at first but then they saw the Once-ler knee the Greed-ler in the dick and thought that was too kinky to be sex.
Then the manager, Mr. O’Hare, came and split them up and thought it was weird that they looked alike but got over it.
Mr. O’Hare gave the Once-ler a bottle of free air and shook his fist at the Greed-ler. He couldn’t really fire him because he was the best worker. The Greed-ler took his wallet and ran off.
The Once-ler was eating his working man charcuterie board and his white wine in an alley. Although the Once-ler was super hot and had a wonderful personality, he had no bitches. Some people just can’t know true beauty when they see it. Or maybe it was because everyone made fun of him for being a Tumblr sexyman, but was that really a bad thing?
The Greed-ler was running and saw the Once-ler. He felt kinda bad for making fun of him so he approached him. The Once-ler backed away. “No way you’re the guy I kicked in the dick!”
The Greed-ler put his hands in his pockets and smiled awkwardly. “Yeah, that was me. I’m sorry I slapped you. I was just angry that you called me a whore.”
The Once-ler remembered what he said and felt like an asshole. “I don’t think you’re a whore. I’m sorry I did that. I was just… upset… I was just doing my business at Walmart and then you had to make fun of my working man’s charcuterie board and white wine. The fuck is your problem?”
The Greed-ler looked into the Once-ler’s orbs and snapped, “You don’t know what it’s like, man! You have no fucking idea!” He paused. “Do you even know who I am?”
“Lol no.”
“I’M THE GREED-LER! Inventor of the Thneed! King of the thneed empire!”
“Oh, so you’re the guy who made those? I think they’re fucking stupid.”
“Fuck you. They were a cool product but the truffula trees just had to die on me and now I’m the bad guy? I got bullied for destroying the Truffula forest, and my apology videos didn’t work, and everyone screenshots my OnlyFans posts so it's not like I’m making money there. So yeah, when I see such a happy-go-lucky dick like you, I’m going to insult you.”
“Oh you are so wrong” the Once-ler laughed. “I just use my happy personality as a mask for my insecurities about being hot but not getting laid. You look just like me but with a cooler outfit and you probably get more action.”
The Greed-ler chuckled. “That’s not true…”
“What do you mean?”
“I just have a cocky attitude to make it seem like I get action. But in reality, everybody hates me, and my few remaining fans are creepy.”
“You shouldn’t care about what other people think.”
The Greed-ler sniffled and looked at the Once-ler again. “Really?”
“Yeah! You have a cool outfit, you know how business works, and you’re hot! Just like me!”
“Wait what?”
“I think you’re hot.” The Once-ler smoldered.
“I think you’re hot too.”
“Wanna make out?”
“Sure.”
Then the Once-ler and the Greed-ler made out. Their tongues ravaged each other’s mouths and fought for dominance and it was like really hot.
The Once-ler whimpered.
“Whoa, you should make a whimper audio that was good.”
“Wtf is a whimper audio?”
“Don’t worry about it.”
They made out for a while and then the Once-ler was like “How’s your dick after I kicked it? Can I make it feel better uwu?”
“I don’t know why don’t you check lol.”
After having some awesome toe-curling fist-clenching eye-rolling name-screaming mind-blowing sex, the Greedler had his arm around the Onceler while smoking a cigarette.
“Omg nooo pookie don’t smoke :(“ The Once-ler said concerned.
“Don’t worry about it.”
The Greed-ler could hear people running and knew that it was O’Hare and his men. He took a huff of his cigarette “Sorry, sexy, I gotta go.”
“When will I see you again?” The Once-ler covered himself in the newspaper blanket on their now half-empty nonexistent bed.
“Soon, baby.” Then the Greed-ler hopped onto his mule, Melvin, and rode off into the sunset.