Chapter Text
It had been a little over a month since Mihawk visited the Thousand Sunny, and he couldn’t keep you out of his mind.
With a shovel in hand, he would find himself gardening and realize he was staring at nothing for an embarrassing amount of time while thinking of your expression when you claimed checkmate. He had your wanted poster, with a picture of you before running away - all dolled up, wearing clothes made with expensive fabric, your hair meticulously curled under a small tiara, and makeup carefully applied to enhance your features - in a drawer in his desk, even though the picture couldn’t capture the magnetism your eyes had. Mihawk would never admit it to anyone, but he would sometimes get the picture out and admire it while having some wine.
Mihawk knew it would take a while before you and the rest of the straw hat crew arrived. While discussing things with Luffy, he had mentioned that the crew needed to make a few stops to get supplies and whatnot, so he knew better than to keep looking out the windows, searching for a sign of Sunny.
So when the lion that adorned the boat finally made its way into the island, Mihawk forced himself to wait inside the mansion. Roronoa wasn’t the best with directions, but he trusted that the rest of the crew would be enough to make sure all of you made your way into the mansion without getting lost.
Zoro opened the front door without ceremony as if he had never left the place. Mihawk, sitting on his chair, stood up while the whole crew crossed the threshold, looking around the place with curiosity. But Mihawk could feel his heart sinking at the sight of you.
You had a split lip, small cuts on your face, bruises around your neck that you tried to hide by buttoning your shirt all the way up, and you were limping, too - Usopp was by your side, letting you hold on to him to not put much pressure on one of your legs and Brook carried your bags. The crew could feel the weight of Mihawk’s gaze on your figure, but you merely avoided looking into his eyes, preferring to look at your shoes.
“We had a run-in with some bounty hunters,” Zoro explained in a low voice. “They tried to take Y/N back to her uncle.” Mihawk nodded, as he could tell from your body language and the way you were glancing at Zoro that you didn’t want to talk about the encounter.
“I see. Quite unfortunate.” Mihawk replied with a carefully neutral tone. “The lot of you may stay here for the night if you please; Roronoa, you can show them the accommodations next to yours and the kitchen, too. You will probably want to rest before getting to business, so please feel free to do so until dinner time.”
As he watched the crew make their way to their wing of the mansion, Mihawk watched discreetly as you and Usopp disappeared after going up the stairs. He felt rage, cold and blinding, washing over him like waves during a high tide. Bounty hunters were known to be reckless and courageous, but still, trying to drag someone from such a known crew was a step further.
Mihawk marched to his garden and started watering and pruning plants in a mechanical way, trying to garden the fury out of him. When he finally made his way inside to clean himself up, he could hear the crew in the kitchen talking while the cook prepared some snacks for them. He had no patience for the noise and all the talking, so he retreated to his room and made his way to the library after a shower and a change of clothes.
He wasn't expecting to find you there, curled up against a window, sporting a sand-colored sweater with a high neck and a pair of black slacks. Startled, you got up and tried reaching for something but sat down when recognizing who was entering the room; Mihawk could see a slight tremor on your hands and the relief in your eyes.
“Sorry, I didn't mean to scare you.”
“Wh-no, no! Please don't apologize; this is your house, and I'm just a guest. It's just that I didn't feel like joining the rest of the group, and Zoro said I wouldn't be bothering anyone if I stayed here.”
“And you are not bothering anyone, miss Y/L/N. You are free to make yourself at home.”
“Thank you,” you said with a small smile, tugging at the sleeves of your clothes. “But I'm not going to be in your space; I'll just go and stay with them in the kitchen.”
“Miss Y/L/N, if you want to stay here, that's fine.”
“Can we… not talk? Just be here?”
Mihawk shrugged; “of course,” he said, picking up the newspaper on the coffee table and sitting down to read.
He couldn’t tell how long he had been reading when he first started hearing the sniffles. At first, Mihawk pretended not to hear as he wasn't the best when dealing with emotions, much less someone else's emotions. But when he heard you sobbing, he couldn't pretend anymore, putting down his newspaper and taking the few steps to reach you, who was still sitting by the window. Mihawk wasn't sure what to do and tried to pat you on the back - quite awkwardly, if he were to be honest - and mumbled something to the effect of “there, there”. When that just made you cry harder, he froze on the spot, unsure if he should continue or if he should look for one of the people in the crew.
“The bounty hunters saw me on one of the islands we stopped, probably when I went shopping for clothes with Nami and Robin,” you said between sobs; you were spitting out the words as if they were something you were holding on to for a while now and needed to let go for your own sanity; your voice was cracking, as if you were struggling to get the words out. “They entered the ship at night, and we didn't see them. I was taking a bath when they found me, and one of them dragged me by the neck out of the water and threw me face-first on the ground. I panicked; I couldn't scream - it was like the air just couldn't come out of my lungs, and I tried to fight back, but they just punched me in the face. They were trying to drag me out of the bathroom when I, like, remember I have a devil fruit? It's so useless during fights it didn't even occur to me that I should use it. Then, I turned the three of them into gold statues. I killed them! I had never hurt anyone before, and I killed three men in one night!”
Silently, Mihawk pulled you into a side hug, and you clung to his shirt, getting it wet with your tears. Mihawk felt petrified, as he didn’t know what to say or do, so he just kept rubbing circles on your back.
Sanji turned the corner with a tray in his hands carrying some treats for you; his eyes went from Mihawk to you, trying to understand what was going on, but Mihawk dismissed him with a stern look. The cook stammered for a moment but ended up leaving the library, but not before grimacing at the swordsman.
“I’m such dead weight to the crew! I can’t do anything, I can’t even defend myself properly. I’m just holding them back because they can’t focus on what they need to do as someone needs to stay behind and babysit me. I even thought of staying behind in one of the islands, but what would I do? I would be discovered sooner or later, and anyone with half a brain would give me up for the bounty. I hate being weak, I hate feeling useless, and I hate feeling scared all the time.”
After the word vomit, you were shivering while trying to stabilize your breathing; your face was tinged in a shade of red from both crying and embarrassed from oversharing with someone you didn’t know that well, letting him in into a part of his mind and feelings that not even her crewmates knew.
“You could stay.” Mihawk regretted the words as he said them. For the life of him, he couldn’t understand what came over him to make him say such a thing. Were he a sentimental man like Shanks, he could say he just couldn’t bear to watch a pretty lady in distress or that he was intoxicated by her perfume - vanilla, maybe, but not sweet, something herbal and fresh.
But alas, he wasn’t Shanks.
And he had no idea why he was acting in such a way.
“P-pardon?”
“Well…” Mihawk said slowly, clearing his throat and trying to organize his thoughts, “The whole world knows you are traveling with the straw hats, so whenever they go, that’s where you will be. Bounty hunters would not know where to look for you if you were to separate from them, and if your navigator followed the directions I provided last time we spoke, the chances of anyone following your crew here are slim to none. Furthermore,” he added with a tiny smile, “few bounty hunters would try and attack someone in Kuraigana.”
You looked up at him, glossy eyes and flushed cheeks, and Mihawk felt like he was a silly teenager again, with his heart beating hard on his chest.
“But… I would be abusing your kindness. And I don’t want to be a bother.” You bit your lips, unsure of what to do.
“Y/N, I wouldn’t invite you if I thought that you would be a bother. I simply offered as I thought you would feel safer here.”
“I… Ok. Yes, I agree. I’ll let the crew know after dinner.” You still looked unsure, but Mihawk felt very pleased with himself, even if he couldn’t understand why he was acting the way he was. “But please let me know if there’s anything I can do around here. I don’t want to be a burden.”
“Don’t worry about that for now; you are still recovering. We can revisit this down the line.”
Sanji had whipped out a full meal for dinner, and the crew was being as rambunctious as always in Mihawk’s dining room. Chopper, Luffy, and Usopp were being silly, Robin giggled at their antics, Brooke, Sanji, and Franky were sharing stories, and Nami and Zoro discussed their next stop; you just looked at them, admiring the group of family who took you in like one of them in no time when you had nothing or no one. You loved them with all of your heart, but you knew that staying meant getting in the way of their dreams.
And you were not going to allow yourself to be the block on their way.
Eventually, the conversation seemed to die down. Nami took the opportunity to unfold a map on the table, describing the route she had planned to the next island, where they had to accomplish the deal discussed with Mihawk. As soon as the navigator finished her exposition, you cleared your throat and took a deep breath.
“Guys, I think this would be the best time to let you know… I’m not going with you. I’m staying here.”
It was pandemonium: Luffy and Usopp were yelling, Zoro looked from you to Mihawk as if he was about to get sick, Sanji was stoned face. “Look, I know that this is not the best way to announce it, but… I don’t want to get in the way of you guys. I’m just not strong enough to defend myself, and we just can’t go on if one of you has to stay behind to look after me. And Luffy…” you looked at your captain with tears in your eyes, “I love you like you were my little brother. Because you gave me my freedom, I want nothing more than to see you fulfill your dream of being king of the pirates, but me being there wouldn’t be in the best of both of our interests.” Your voice was strained and wobbly as the tears threatened to run freely over your face. “I hate that I cry so much, I don’t want to be known as a crybaby. I really wanted to continue on with you guys, but I don’t think that would be good for us. Also, as Mr. Dracule pointed out to me, people already know I’m traveling with you, so they know where to find me. But as no one knows we stopped at Kuraigana, the chances of bounty hunters coming to look for me are very very low. I just thought this would be safer for all of us.”
“Y/N, please… We want you to go with us” Sanji said softly, and the rest of the crew nodded in approval.
“I know. Trust me, I wanted to go with you too. But I just can’t get another round of what happened last night. Also, if mr. Dracule wants to charge me rent or something I can just go outside, pick a big rock, and turn it into gold, right?” The whole crew looked defeated and not prone to laugh at your attempt of a joke, but Luffy stood up to embrace you in a hug. “We all wanted you to come with us, Y/N, but it’s ok. You can read about us in the papers, right?” Luffy’s voice sounded funny as he was smashing his cheek against yours, and you couldn’t help but let out a teary laugh.
Mihawk, who had been quiet during the whole dinner, thought he had never heard a symphony that could match the grace of your laugh.
You had made your way into the bedroom Zoro said you could use, not ready yet to unpack your suitcases. So far, all you had taken out were the pair of pajamas you were wearing that night and your personal hygiene items; it felt surreal to think that you wouldn’t come back to the Sunny, and it made you sad to think you were leaving the first family you ever had. At this point, you had no more tears left to cry, so you were lying in bed wide awake, trying to get yourself used to not hearing the chit-chattering of the crew.
A low knock on the door caught your attention, and you were surprised to see Sanji standing at the threshold, still wearing his dinner clothes and smelling like cigarettes. “Ah… Can I help you? Is there anything wrong?” Sanji ignored you and walked into the room, running his hands through his hair and looking frazzled.
“What can I say to convince you to go with us? What can I do? Just tell me, and I’ll do it.” You closed the door behind you, unsure of what to do. “Please, Y/N, talk to me. What can I do? Are you still upset with me?”
You frowned; you hadn’t talked to anyone about your feelings for Sanji, letting them go after that one dinner where you exploded. After that night, you expurged those feelings slowly but surely, and now you were feeling nothing but exasperation. “Sanji… I’m not mad. I don’t think I was ever mad. I was upset.”
“I-I know. Nami explained to me. I don’t know how I can explain this without sounding like a complete idiot, but I had fallen for you. So much that I didn’t know how to act around you or what to do. I was scared that if I treated you the same way I do with Nami and Robin, you would reject me, so I just… didn’t. I had no clue how that would look from your perspective. I never meant to make you feel sad or upset.”
You stayed silent for a moment, trying to wrap your head around what Sanji had said.
“You’re right, you do sound like a complete idiot. So, for you to show me that you’re attracted to me, you… pretended to not be attracted to me?”
“Please don’t give me a hard time, Nami already did that quite enough. But, I'm serious, Y/N, don't stay. Come with us.” Sanji got on his knees and grabbed your hands, pressing kisses to them. “I'll treat you right, I promise. I'll cook for you, take you out, dance with you, care for you. Treat you like a princess. Just… come. Please.”
Slowly you removed your hand from the blonde's and pushed him up so he could be on his feet. “Sanji, please listen to me: this has nothing to do with what happened. I just want to feel safe.”
“We- I can protect you!”
“I know you can. But I need Luffy to find the one piece, and that's not going to happen with you or any of the others having to keep an eye on me and that's fine - I've made my peace with that.”
“But can't you see that this guy is only asking you to stay because he has ulterior motives?”
“What do you mean by that?” You asked genuinely puzzled, letting go of his hands. Sanji stammered for a second, not sure on how to continue. He knew deep down in his bones that Mihawk wouldn't have invited you to stay if he had no interest in you, and he has witnessed the moment you shared in the library. God, even Zoro got the hint, and he wasn't one to pay attention to this kind of stuff; the mosshead had let out a couple of comments saying that he had no clue his teacher had it in him, or that he would effectively seek out for contact with another human being by his own volition.
“Sanji, if you had said that to me that night, then we wouldn't be having this conversation as the idea of leaving wouldn't have crossed my mind. But after all of that, I decided to let go of my feelings for you a-”
“And you just did? Was it that easy?”
“No,” you whispered. “It was one of the hardest things I ever did. But I had to do it to protect myself and my heart.”
With one look that you couldn't identify as bitter or sorrowful, Sanji escaped the room, leaving you alone with your thoughts and inner turmoil.