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My dear Homura,
It would be a little pointless to ask you how you’ve been, wouldn’t it? I don’t exactly experience time the same way you do anymore, after all. Even at this very moment, I’m also fighting every witch to ever exist, every version of me existing all at once. In this state, things like free time and boredom have become rather inconsequential to me, as such things tend to do then there is only one thing left for me to do in my life.
How, then, could I be writing this? To be honest, this isn’t exactly writing- more like recording my thoughts somewhere, like a more tangible, conscious version of creating a memory. Even if I could never actually send this “letter”, it is nice to think that I can reach your heart.
At that moment, I saw something I could only describe as “everything”, but I’m not quite sure anymore if it really goes that far. But what I do know is that I saw the life of every magical girl- every wish, every tragic and happy story, and every scar their witches would, and had already laid upon me.
Above all, one story stood out to me- ours yours. And how could it not? It was so long, nothing like the brief shooting stars that the lives of magical girls resemble. You’d met a hundred versions of me, none of them knowing or understanding you. I was scared of you, confused by you, angry at you, not knowing just how much pain you’d put yourself through for me. And yet you never wavered, and just continued to walk into Hell for my sake.
I cried, even as I told myself that I should remain strong with a smile on my face, because you could have been watching me at that very moment. But how could I do anything but cry, knowing how your fate was doomed to end in tragedy if you had continued down that path?
But not every one of those days was mired in misery. Sometimes we’d hold hands, walking down a street towards a cafe, my former self never understanding why you always seemed so afraid, flinching and looking around whenever I so much as tripped. As I ate, you’d fix me with an intense look that I’d never quite understand, so I’d always apologize, only making your glares worse as I wondered what I’d done wrong.
Did you ever think of those wonderful moments as you fought for my sake? Or was it simply the sight of my shredded, rotting, burning, or perfectly intact corpse that drove you? Was it the sight of the otherworldly, utterly repulsive pink glow that made you turn that shield a hundred times?
I thought they really were beautiful, even if they were always followed by misery soon after. Seeing them with my own eyes, I had thought that I understood you.
And as I was going through those endless sights, you were floating before me, eyes full of tears that’d welled up but never fallen over a decade. Begging me to understand how much it’d hurt for me to not be with my family ever again, to not enjoy the grace of life again.
You were right, really.
There are no joys of the universe in this endless, timeless moment of existence- no summer sunshine, no autumn winds, no cat purring on your lap as you lazily bask near a window. I may not have been alone, as others reside within my soul- but there is a distinction between me and the girls I rescue. The others rest, and I carry out the duty I promised them.
The only joy left for me is to see the faces of magical girls in their last moments, regaining hope as an undeserved fate was denied.
It’s wonderful, a joy beyond words. But it isn’t life.
But how could I ever tell you that? To do that would effectively be to tell you that you’d failed. In front of me, you just looked like a piece of glass ready to shatter, begging for me not to raise the hammer and smash your entire existence to pieces.
So I smiled, and told you that we’d meet again, because I thought that maybe, that’s what you’d wanted at the end of the eternal war you fought. That I would never be lonely, so there was no reason for you to be sad. That I had no regrets in making this wish.
I never lied once, but I was never really truthful to you, either.
I called you my very best friend. It’s true, we were best friends once. But I am so much more now, and in my heart, I don’t know if there’s a word that could truly capture just how I felt when I saw you, the entirety of you that none of my human selves had ever seen. The word love might have been able to encompass it, but it was not a word I could utter so lightly, when a mere breeze could have shattered your fragile little heart.
And then, as we gently floated in the space between universes together, you asked me whether I was fine with being forgotten by the world, and by you. It was obvious that you were laying your heart out before me, telling me that you couldn’t accept the idea of simply forgetting me.
Truthfully, I couldn’t accept it either.
So I gave you my ribbons, placing them into your hand as if they were a blessing and whispered of a miracle that could come true if the two of us wished it to be.
A miracle, because I really did believe it to be one.
And I thought that maybe, these little gestures would be enough for you to give up on me and simply live your life out, reuniting with me at the very end. That maybe, it’d erase my sin of stomping on your desires simply because it’d make you happier.
In the end, I bid you farewell, before going on to meet the others. I remember that even after all my efforts, you cried anyway. After talking to Sayaka, I closed my eyes, and found myself in the new universe, immersed in the entirety of my existence all at once.
Opening my eyes, though, revealed to me the cost of my wish. An uncountable number of possible universes had ceased to exist- worlds where you did things like grow up, have children, become a great scientist or artist- really, whatever you put your mind to. All those things that you could have never even imagined yourself doing, gone like ashes in the wind.
The worst part, though, was that I could not feel you in my heart.
It seems that among the things that were bound to disappear was your salvation.
I did not understand how, so I split off a piece of myself and came down to take a look at you. And I could only watch as you tried so hard to believe in me- to keep faith, to continue fighting even as everybody around you told me that I never existed, that you had to stop imagining things.
As the battles went on, you got more and more reckless. At the beginning, you’d let a beam graze you occasionally, but as it went on, I saw you stop dodging attacks entirely, fighting even more recklessly than Sayaka did at the depths of her despair. Wraiths would lay down a thousand attacks towards you, and you’d simply overcharge your arrows and fire back at them.
I kept trying to reach out, to hold you and assure you that yes, I was right there by your side.
But my hands simply passed right through yours, never able to hold on.
When you spoke about me to that Incubator, I wanted so badly for you to know that I was always by your side, just like I’d promised. I even felt angry, for just a moment, as you told that thing of witches and the past, knowledge it would surely exploit. But that anger didn’t last, crumbling like a poorly made cake and leaving a little drop of despair within the hollow left behind.
After all that you experienced, what else could have happened? All you ever wanted was to know that I was real. It’s so cruelly ironic that our wish granted you the ability to manipulate memories, with no assurance that you could not use it on yourself. The final nail in the coffin, laid out by none other than myself.
When you were facing down that final horde of wraiths, you were smiling. But I couldn’t be happy at that, not when I understood that you’d come to await your death like a prisoner awaiting his release.
Then, I came to know- and so I'd always understood, that it truly was such a rotten, selfish thing to wish for- because I did wish for it, I did wish for you to remember me, even though you deserved a life without me, without the pain that had consumed your mind and driven you to this.
Was one miracle not enough for me? Especially one that I had wished for with all my heart?
It’s ironic, really. Were it another magical girl thinking in this way, I’d have whispered some words of comfort, telling her that wishes were always worth it, that they’d bring hope to the world and that I’d bear all the misery they’d eventually bring.
But those words of comfort that let them close their eyes with smiles on their faces felt so hollow as I stared down at my own failure.
Strange, isn’t it? I remember now that I never really told you why I made that wish- only Sayaka.
As you were still fighting to protect me, I had thought and thought about what my wish should be- because there were so many terrible things going on around me, and how was I supposed to stand back and simply watch? I knew I had to do something.
But as I saw the others fall, and you break down right in front of me, I realized that I had never truly understood anything after all. At that moment, I was sure that were I to make a wish, I should have wished for Magical Girls to never have existed at all. After all, what wish was worth that terrible fate that awaited us then?
On that fateful day though, I saw you, beaten and bloodied by that suffering witch right in front of me, and I saw the hope fading from your eyes as your gem started to cloud, coming to the understanding that you were only worsening my suffering. And I thought that it was so unfair that this was the supposed price for merely having hope in something.
Was it right for you to be doomed to that terrible end, just because you wanted to save me? Why was it that you couldn’t be saved no matter what?
I had asked the Incubator, and it told me simply that hope was the reason you couldn’t be saved. And I wanted to deny it, reject the truth that it told me, but what could I have done in the face of the reality right before me?
Helplessness that once dominated my heart gave way to determination. It was clear what I had to wish for, and I went ahead with it.
I could not simply take away the wishes of others, the desires they’d held so dear within their hearts. But with my power, I could wish for their fates to be better, so that only one girl would ever bear the suffering of the world.
Many of the girls I’ve rescued told me that I was wrong for this. That I should have chosen differently, should have chosen to end all magical girls no matter what it would do to their wishes. And I could never begrudge them for those thoughts, because so many of them did end up despising their wishes.
But in the end, all we ever wanted was a better world. What right does order, fate, karmic destiny, whatever one may call it have to deny us that? Even the most hopeless, violent and terrible Magical Girls, in the end, made their wishes in the hope of something better. There could never be any reason for me to regret my wish, not when it could preserve that fragile hope without letting its counterpart stain the world.
But I think that maybe, I’ve come to regret the one I’d made after that.
I’m so sorry. Will you forgive me for being so weak at that moment?
You would, because you’ve never held the misery I’ve inflicted upon you against me.
Not only that, you’d even blame yourself instead. For daring to speak to Kyubey about me, even possibly being a threat to me, because after all, isn’t that what you’ve come to think of yourself as? A failure, who became the very reason for my suffering.
Maybe if I had told you more, you would be happier. Maybe if I had grasped onto you instead of letting you fall, maybe if I’d never promised you anything…
But in the end, this world is all that remains, with you trapped within a domain that I cannot see through. Even here, it’s me who’s the source of your pain, because that field’s ultimate target is me, not you. Really, no amount of hypotheticals are going to help- it is I who needs to make things right. And yet, I can do nothing but hope and reach for a future I know will not come to pass.
There are no scars on me from the battle against your nascent witch, no trace of you within my endless soul. Which means that in the end, my existence in this state is a finite one. At one moment, I will no longer be able to see any further, and whatever happens from that moment will only be known to you and me.
When I descend to the isolation field, I’ll be scared. What else could I feel, after an instant of billions of years of absolute certainty?
But I’ll descend hoping to save you, anyway. Because you, of all people, surely deserve to have a peaceful rest, after life has thrown so much agony and misfortune your way.
I remember you telling me that I was stronger than I’d thought so many times, and even though I’d never believed it, nor understood what made you say that, It’d made me happy regardless. I wish you’d know that too. That you’re stronger than you think, and that you’ve done more than enough. There’s no need to prove yourself any longer, so please rest and don’t try to suffer for my sake any longer. Let me take all the agony you would bear onto myself, so you can be free and happy in death, even if you couldn’t in life.
Please let this be the last time that I have to deny your wishes. When I offer my hands with a smile on my face, please hold onto them and ascend with me, even if you feel the scars on them. Close your eyes and fade into me, even if your eyes and ears tell you that I am suffering. Forget about the Incubators and whatever plans they have, because the cruel order they aim to recreate will never come to pass so long as I continue my battle.
No matter how futile, I shall continue to wish for a world where you, and all other magical girls, shall no longer suffer.
—
The letter remains unsent. Of course, it would have never been sent even if it was possible to.
—
(But if you cannot accept that… can we sink into the murky depths together?)
—
Night falls upon the sweet cage, illuminated by beautiful silver from the half-moon. In this silence, the former goddess and devil dream not of victory.
No, such things have no place in the realm of dreams, the land of our hearts’ desires.
In this world within a world within a world, all those shadows and agonies clouding our hearts are wiped out, and our barest desires are laid out in the open.
In this little world, all that remains are two girls in a green meadow. They sit on the grass beside each other, each girl occasionally stealing a glance at the other, before all of a sudden, one stands up and looks down at the other.
The other girl hesitates, but stands regardless. For a moment, they stare at each other, and the sound of grass rustling in the breeze dominates their senses, and one might gain the impression that the two were about to start running, each competing on who could reach the finish line first.
But suddenly, they both reached out at once, each offering her hand to the other.
Staring at each other’s hands, they start giggling, before grabbing hold of one another and running together towards the blinding sunrise.
What shall they find there? They themselves do not know, and who could blame them for being worried about that?
Still, who cares!
So long as they face it together, it would be nothing they couldn’t overcome.