Chapter Text
The hallway we wait in is much quieter. The floors are still shiny stone, so they do clack, but the ceilings are lower and there aren’t a lot of people. Laura is talking to my moms, but JJ makes sure to keep holding my hand. We are on a bench with our backs to a wall. On the other wall, directly across from us, is a big wooden door to a room. The door has a window that I do not allow myself to look at. Laura says that Dawn is already in there with her lawyer. The judge and jury are in there, and some other people with titles I don’t recognize. Soon, it will be time for us to go in. There is also a lady named Kerri who is supposed to be my advocate. Laura says she’s here in the building, but that she had to file a paper and was going to be another couple of minutes.
Then she shows up. She kneels down and says “Hi Angie, I’m Kerri.” I don’t say anything. She explains that in a couple minutes we will go through that door. My moms will stand on either side of me, and Laura will stand in front of me and Kerri will stand behind me and we will all walk together down the big aisle to sit by the front. “We do it that way so that you don’t have to feel like anybody is staring at you. We’ll sit as far away from Dawn as we can, and we’ll sit all around you so that you don’t have to see her unless you want to.”
I actually decide right then that I like Kerri. I like how she talks to me and not just about me. I like how she tells me exactly what is going to happen. I don’t know if my moms coached her, or if she’s just a really cool sort of person, but I don’t mind her being here at all.
When we do go in, it’s exactly like she said. I walk surrounded by grown ups. I stare at my shoes so I won’t accidentally look at Dawn. We sit at the front. I peek past Emily and see that Dawn is staring at us. She’s to my left. She is making a face that I know very well. If all these people weren’t here, it would be a face that meant she was about to hurt me. Badly. But then the person sitting next to her nudges her and Dawn turns to face the front. That’s when I notice she is handcuffed to the table. It’s hard to see her that way. It’s hard not to think of her as my mom when she’s actually in the same room as me. So even though she hurt me and even though I know she didn’t treat me how a mom is supposed to, my tummy feels like I’ve just seen my mommy chained to a table. And I’m sad about that, even though I don’t really know why. It’s not like she’s never strapped me to a table. It’s not like she ever felt sorry for what she did to me on the table. But I feel sorry for her. I’m staring at her past my Mama, my new Mama, and I’m starting to cry a little when a whimper accidentally comes out of me. That causes Dawn to turn and face me again, fast. She’s scowling. It scares me so bad that for a moment I think I might accidentally pee myself. But I clench all my muscles and look at my shoes. Then I have a thought that maybe I’m glad she’s chained to the table so she can’t get me. Then I feel so guilty for having that thought that I start to cry harder. This is not going well.
Kerri leans from behind me. She sat behind me so no one could stare at me from back there, which made me love her even more. She whispers “In a minute, the judge is going to ask you to come and sit on the stand next to him, do you see it?” I nod. “I will walk you up there. Your moms will stay right here. I will stay between you and Dawn while we walk so that she can’t stare at you. When you sit in the stand, Laura will start asking questions. I will be sitting here with your moms. You do not have to look at Dawn, you can look right at us. Are you ready?” I nod, not because I’m truly ready, but because there is nothing else for me to do. Behind me, Kerri stands. I stand too. I step past Emily who squeezes my hand. Just like she said, Kerri walks with me, holding my hand, and keeping her body between me and Dawn. It is the greatest gift she could give me in this moment, and if I could remember how to form words with my mouth, I would thank her. Instead, I give her a hug before I climb into the stand. Then I sit. For the first time today, there is nothing between my birth mother and me. I don’t look at her. I want to but I refuse to. I look at my real moms. The moms who love me and who wake me from nightmares instead of giving them to me. Laura rises from where she was sitting and walks over to me. A bunch of people say a bunch of words, and I wait just like Laura coached me to on zoom. When someone finally says my full name, I know it’s time for me to listen.
“Angelina Clemente, do you solemnly swear or affirm that the testimony you are about to give will be the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help you God?”
Even though I don’t believe in God anymore, I say yes like I know I am supposed to. Then, Laura starts with her questions.
The first ones are easier. I know my name. I know the address I lived at with Dawn and Tim. But pretty much as soon as those are out of the way, it gets hard. It’s not that I stop knowing the answers, it’s that I stop wanting to say them. My birth mother, Dawn, is on trial for every bad thing she did to me, which it turns out is a lot. I have to talk about all of it. And it’s not just about what she did, either. It’s about when she did it, how old I was, what season it was. How do I know that happened in October? Well, because the next day I had to wear a halloween costume to school and it was hard to find a costume that hid the bruises. How do I know what she was doing was selling me to Kevin? Well because I heard them talk about prices and I watched Kevin hand her a bunch of money. How do I know the money was payment for me? Well because he said “thanks for the deal on your kid, Tim” while Dawn stood there counting the bills.
It goes on like this for a really long time. I get thirsty but I don’t dare take a sip of water in front of Dawn. I learned a long time ago not to eat or drink anything that had been in a room with her while I couldn’t see it. Eventually, Laura requests a recess and we all go back into the hall for a break.
“Are we done?” I ask.
“No, honey,” says Kerri, “we’re gonna go back in in five minutes and Laura is going to ask more questions. It’ll be a while. Then tomorrow, Dawn’s lawyer is going to ask you questions, too. That’ll take a long time as well. Then you’ll be done for now.”
I nod my head. JJ picks me up and gives me water from a sealed bottle. I don’t even know where she got a sealed bottle of water, but it’s just right and I drink the whole thing without stopping. When I finish, I look at my moms for the first time. While I was testifying, I just looked at Laura because it was easiest. Now I see that my moms are crying.
“Did I make you cry?” I ask, panicking.
“No, baby,” says JJ.
“We are just really proud of you for being so brave up there. And we are really sad that Dawn did these things to you.”
“Is that what I’m being?” I ask, “Brave?”
“Yes,” they both say at once.
“But I’m scared the whole time,” I say.
“Brave never means not scared, Angie,” Kerri cuts in, “Brave means scared and doing it anyway.”
Then it’s time to go back into the courtroom. It’s actually just as scary the second time, which kind of surprises me. I get back into the stand and stare at Laura again. As long as I’m looking at her, I’m not looking at Dawn, and right now that’s the best I can do. She asks about a lot of things. I start to lose track. As soon as I say an answer, my brain erases the answer from my memory. So I’m surprised when Laura says “Can you repeat that?”
“What?” I ask. My voice sounds funny in my own ears.
“You said that even when Dawn herself didn’t bring you to be sold, she didn’t want to help you,” Laura says.
“Yes,” I say, “That’s true.”
“How did you know she didn’t want to help you?”
I swallow big. I do not want to answer this question, I do not want to tell this story. This is the story of the cow. It is no good. I look at Laura, who has already heard this story. She nods. It’s time.
“When my dad- when Tim took me to a place one time,” I begin.
Laura cuts me off. “What kind of place,” she asks.
I know she is going to make me start from the beginning. “There was a place Dawn and Tim sometimes took me. It was farm themed. The people who were in charge made the kids pretend to be animals. Farm animals. One time Tim brought me there by himself. When we got there, a man in overalls gave him an envelope. Tim opened the envelope, there was money inside. Then the overalls man took me to a barn. He took my clothes. He put chains on my ankles and wrists. He made me get down on hands and knees like I was going to crawl. He used the chains to fix me to the ground. He brought a machine over. The machine had two tubes. He…” I falter here. I hate telling this story. After a big breath and a nod from Laura, I keep going, “he connected the tubes to my nipples. They started to suck. It hurt really badly. It hurt so badly I couldn’t stay awake. When I woke back up I was still in the barn but the tubes were gone. My chest was red. A man came in. He unchained me but held me down so I couldn’t stand. He put his thing in my privates. He hit me and put his hands around my neck. He said he would let me breathe again if I mooed. I mooed. When he was done, he didn’t chain me back up. I snuck into the main house. I was able to sneak because it was dark outside. In the house, I found a phone. I used it to call Dawn. I asked her to come get me, but she laughed. She laughed and told me I was right where I belonged. Then, the overalls man found me. He took the phone. He talked to Dawn. When he put the phone down he said ‘your mama says you’re a little snitch.’ Then I was punished.”
I really want a break after telling that bad story but I don’t get one. Laura asks how I was punished. I answer. Then I make a bad mistake. My brain wants me to look at Dawn because I hate this story and I’m wondering if maybe she’s sorry. I want to look at her and see if maybe she’s different now. But Laura said not to look at her. I can’t look at Laura anymore though so I look at the jury. It seems like a better choice than looking at Dawn, but maybe it isn’t. They all are staring at me. I hadn’t noticed before that they were staring at me, but they are. Some of them are crying. Some of them have their heads in their hands. Some of them look pale, like a person who is about to puke. I know I’m the reason they look this way, but I don’t know why.
It takes everything in me to stop looking at the jury and back at Laura. When I do, she keeps going. She asks me a lot of more questions. I don’t keep count but it feels like it could possibly be a million questions. When it’s finally over, I don’t even know if I am still a person. I feel like a ghost or maybe a dead body. It is very hard to get myself to step down from the stand. The judge says some words and bangs a hammer and then I get to go back to the hotel. I don’t really think about anything or say anything. I just sit like a dead body. I let my moms move me. I really do not want to do this again tomorrow, but I know that I will. It’s too late to turn back now.