Archive of Our Own ^beta

Heart kneels in the doorway, the idea of fully entering the room makes the organ beating in his chest hammer painfully fast against his ribs, so this is as close as he can be to Whole’s room.

He isn’t even entirely sure why he came here. There was an ache in his chest and he needed something, anything; but he didn’t want to bother Soul when he was sleeping so peacefully, and Mind had made it clear he wasn’t going to help Heart anymore.

(Heart tries not to think about that night– clawing at Mind’s door, begging for him to let Heart in and talk him out of– it was wrong. He didn’t need to be talked out of anything. Right?

Mind allows him to speak now, but something always feels off. Like they’re having two entirely separate conversations.)

So, of the four of them, Whole was the only one left Heart could turn to for comfort. He’s not used to praying, at least not when he isn’t at the end of his rope, but it can’t be that hard, right?

“(Hello? I don’t really know how to start this but, hi. I’m your Heart, I guess?)” This is horrible. Every word Heart speaks feels like a mistake– there’s no way Soul would be this clumsy with his words.

Heart clasps his hands together as he chews on the inside of his mouth. He hopes Whole won’t be mad at him if he doesn’t know how to speak to Him. Heart is a part of Him, after all, it wouldn’t make much sense for Whole to get mad at the embodiment of His emotions.

“(I– I’m sorry. For not Seeing you. I want to do better, I want to help Soul. I want to be you. I– fuck, you probably think I’m so self absorbed. I don’t– I’m not used to this.)”

Heart takes a breath in, and out. He needs to steady himself. He can’t waste Whole’s time with empty words. Heart has wasted enough of His time as is.

There’s no point trying to hide anything, no point in covering anything up. Whole knows all of this already, they are one and the same, after all. Just talk.

“(It’s all just been the same, for so long. I used to think that we were entwining, we were the closest thing to being whole that we could. But that isn’t true, there has to be something else. And there is, because there’s you. It all feels so… ridiculous, now. That I could have ever been happy living… a lie? I guess?)”

His wings flap with irritation.

“(But it… it wasn’t really a lie. We were happy, Mind and I were at least. Soul never let himself enjoy it. He’s happy now. I think so, at least. Happier than he’s been in a long time, maybe ever.)”

Heart pauses, thinking for a moment.

“(You’re watching over us, yeah? Can you see him? See how peacefully he sleeps now, rather than spending half the night chugging energy drinks until he passes out when his body can’t take it anymore. Can you see his smile, when he leans against my side? I can feel it, but I can’t see it because… well, you probably saw that too.)”

Heart shudders. Something close to shame rises in him, at the thought of how much Whole must have seen.

(It’s a strange feeling. Heart doesn’t feel shame. He is what he is, and he doesn’t apologise for that. Ever.)

“(Soul is happy. And I– I love that, and I love him. I always have, I just couldn’t ever express that, not the way I wanted to. I don’t know if he’s the same, but I don’t really mind. The idea of him spending so much time pining but never getting close kind of hurts, even if it would be flattering–)” Heart laughs, until he abruptly stops.

“(I don’t understand Mind anymore. Even when we were fighting, I still thought I could understand him. I wouldn’t admit that, obviously, but I still– I don’t know. He feels like a stranger, almost. But I don’t even think he’s changed, beyond the clock that’s apparently in his eye now. I can hear it ticking. It’s the only way I know he’s in the room sometimes, because he’s just so quiet now.

It was always us, you know? Even during the cacophony, it was always us. And now it feels like he barely listens to me when I speak. Which I guess isn’t that different, at least by cacophony standards. But it feels different. And it– it’s horrible, because I need him to listen, I need him to understand what I’m telling him.

I guess it’s not the kind of thing you can understand just from listening. I didn’t understand from listening. I don’t know how to make him See though.)”

Heart releases his hands, after noticing he was grasping them together painfully tight. He gently rubs them as he thinks over his next words.

“(I feel like I’m losing… something. I don’t know. I– Mind confuses me. He doesn’t want to talk to me but then he does, but then he’s grabbing my wrist, telling me to shut up– I guess that part isn’t all that new. He makes me feel like there’s something broken in me, sometimes. But he’s the one who abandoned me when I was begging for him to just speak to me– I– I know that was wrong. I know. I’m sorry. I didn’t need to be talked out of anything, I’m glad he didn’t. But it still hurts. I want to hate him for that, I think. But I can’t.

If he could See, then maybe all of this would make sense. We could all be better.

I Saw you because I was hurting. I don’t want to do that to him. Maybe I just– maybe I need to keep trying, until he actually listens. He has to eventually, right?

…Please help me. I don’t know what to do. I want them both to be happy, I know we can all be happy. This is all just so we can become you, so there has to be a way. Somewhere deep down, he has it in him to See. He has to. He’s your Mind.)”

Prayers have a purpose, something you’re asking for. Heart should probably wrap things up, just in case Soul wakes up in the middle of the night and needs him.

“(I guess all I want is for you to give me the strength I need to help them. Please help me to help Mind. And please let Soul remain happy, he deserves this rest. Thank you. Amen.)” That was good, probably. He’ll get better with practice. Whole will understand.

Heart stands, gives a brief bow to the bedroom before closing the door, and leaves. He makes his way to Soul’s room, taking care to quietly slip in, before sliding into bed next to Soul. Soul shifts around, whining at the disturbance, but settles after Heart starts carding a hand through his hair and whispering soft reassurances.

Heart wraps his arms and wings around Soul, and it feels right to have Soul tucked safely away against his chest, underneath his wings. He falls asleep near instantly, paying no mind to the sound of someone pacing back and forth in the bathroom down the hall.