Chapter Text
When he wakes up, he feels fingers combing through his hair and soft humming along to the tune of a song Ivan’s sure he heard somewhere but can’t quite place, sleep-addled as he was. Something soft presses on his cheek, nuzzling at him gently as a hand cups at his neck.
“Oh, my Clematis,” En hums quietly and then it clicks.
“Always be by my side,” Ivan sings with him, finally recognizing the duet his friends had released some years ago—their own little declaration of love. His eyes open to En looking down at him softly with his head propped on his palm.
“Morning,” his boyfriend greets. “What’s the socially acceptable grace period before I can ask to move in with you because I think I’m in love with your bed.”
“So that was your real goal, hm? To steal my bed?” Ivan asks, giggling.
“You’ve caught me,” En murmurs, “my super mega ultra evil plan was just to get access to this bed.”
Ivan’s pushed onto his back, legs falling to either side of En as his boyfriend presses their hips together, making Ivan gasp when he feels a firm warmth against him.
“You just happened to be a bonus,” En tells him, comically serious, “a very, very good bonus.”
Ivan’s stomach tenses as a hand dips under his shirt, trailing up his abdomen as it pushes the hem all the way, exposing his chest. Ivan can’t help the way thighs tense and close around En when his chest is squeezed hard. En pulls the hem up, bringing it up to Ivan’s mouth.
“Bite,” En commands him. So Ivan bites down and lets his hands hold onto the headboard. En smiles.
“Good puppy, you learn so fast, but,” En takes his wrists and puts Ivan’s hands over his own chest, “not today. I want you to play with yourself.”
Shame and embarrassment wars with the spike of arousal between his legs as Ivan shyly obeys, rubbing his finger over his nipples agonizingly slowly before pinching hard, trying to emulate the way En likes to tease him.
“Good boy. Just stay like that,” he says as he reaches over to rummage through the bedside drawer. He comes back with a bottle of lube and a condom, setting them aside and just watches Ivan for a moment, hands mindlessly caressing his hips.
“Sometimes, I can’t help but wonder if you’re even real,” En whispers, leaning down to press a kiss to his inner thigh. “And everyday, I wake up grateful that you are.”
Ivan trembles at the gentle, reverent attention, barely having the mental capacity to ponder over the sudden shift in his boyfriend’s demeanor. “En?”
“Sorry, Ivan. I don’t think I can be mean to you today,” En says softly, sitting up and looking at Ivan with just pure adoration it almost makes him want to hide—but he doesn’t. Instead he extends his arms out, wrapping them around his boyfriend’s shoulders when En leans down to kiss him, licking into his mouth and stealing his breath away.
“Is that okay?” En asks when the need for air can no longer be ignored and they’re forced to pull apart.
“Yes, please, just touch me,” Ivan begs, panting and aching with the need to be filled.
“Whatever you want,” En promises, pressing the words onto the skin below his clavicle. He leaves a trail of kisses down to Ivan’s chest, laving his tongue over a hard pink nub. Ivan can’t help but push closer to En’s mouth, wanting more. After weeks of his boyfriend playing with his chest and that one memorable evening when En was determined to have him cum from only having his chest touched, Ivan started to crave it—but not as much as he wants En inside him.
“En,” he pleads, trying not to hold too tightly at where he’s cradling his boyfriend’s head. “Please.”
He pushes his hips up insistently, moaning when En starts to palm him through his shorts. But it’s still not enough. Ivan whines even as his senses are slowly being overwhelmed with how En sucks eagerly at his chest all while he pushes his fingers into Ivan just the slightest bit through the fabric of his shorts.
“So greedy, so spoiled,” En whispers, lips brushing against the kiss-bitten skin of his chest, “just as you should be.”
“I’ll never leave you wanting,” he says like a vow, leaving trails of his promise on Ivan’s chest, hips and inner thighs as he slides Ivan’s shorts off, before finally pressing warm, wet fingers into Ivan’s aching hole. When Ivan glances through lashes wet with tears, he finds En looking at him, gaze burning in its intensity. With trembling arms, he pulls En down for a sloppy kiss, feeling shy and hoping to escape from the attention just for a little while.
It’s a testament to how often they’ve gotten intimate that En quickly finds his favorite little spot and alternates between gentle caresses and harsh thrusts, swallowing down every moan Ivan lets out. And perhaps he has gotten greedy because soon Ivan’s aching for something thicker, longer even as En makes him cum on his fingers alone.
“En,” he whimpers, weakly grasping at his boyfriend’s wrist and tugging.
“I got you,” En whispers, pulling out his fingers and making quick work of the condom. He pours lube both over himself and Ivan’s hole, knowing full well Ivan loves it wet and sloppy, loves hearing the obscene squelch of the lube as En pushes into him, slow and steady. Ivan’s panting by the time En is fully inside him, skin prickling with his impatience because he wants En to move now.
“Please,” he begs, not wanting to spend any more energy to string up a more cohesive sentence. He pushes his hips flush against En's as emphasis, whimpering when the movement has his boyfriend brushing against his favorite spot. He feels something soft being pushed under his hips before his legs are propped onto firm shoulders. En starts rocking into him, going slow and deep. It has Ivan somehow feeling more flustered than when En would fuck him roughly like he used to when they were first met. This felt intentional, weighted—like every word left unsaid, every unexpressed emotion En felt for him was being poured into Ivan with every thrust.
And what else could Ivan do but simply take it? To hold him tightly in response and hope he knows that Ivan will hoard every bit of himself he gives and cherish each piece with everything he has.
Ivan clings to En tightly as he cums again, feeling a rush of warmth inside him soon after. There’s a moment of stillness as if the world has paused. Like they've been allowed a moment to simply hold each other as they wind down from the height of pleasure with nothing but their harsh breaths and the sound of the air conditioning accompanying them. When En starts to move away, Ivan pulls him closer, not quite willing to have him leave just yet. Perhaps it was foolish but it felt like he could shut out the world a bit longer like this.
“A few more minutes,” his boyfriend relents, “but we do need to clean up before the cum dries. You hate how it feels, remember?”
He’s right but Ivan pointedly keeps silent, choosing to tuck his face into En’s neck as if to hide. He feels a sigh displace strands of his hair before fingers start to gently comb through the tangles of his bedhead. Ivan pecks him under his jaw as thanks. Eventually, Ivan can no longer ignore the stickiness on his body or the cum half dried on his stomach and gently nudges at En’s shoulder. Ivan yelps when he’s suddenly pulled into a bridal carry, smacking at En’s shoulder when his boyfriend has the gall to laugh at him as he walks them to the bathroom. Ivan’s still pouting as he’s deposited into his bathtub.
“Lift your arms,” En says, amusement coloring the tone of his voice. Ivan continues to pout even as he complies. Just as the hem of his shirt is pulled above his head, En sneaks in a quick peck, making Ivan squeak in surprise.
“You said you weren’t going to be mean to me today,” Ivan says accusingly.
“But I’m not.” En brings their heads together, wrapping a hand around Ivan’s throat and squeezing just enough to make Ivan lightheaded. “If I wanted to be mean I’d have kept you in bed and kept going no matter how much you protest—stuffed you full of my cum until you were leaking.”
En loosens his hold on his neck, rubbing at his pulse as he brings his mouth to Ivan’s ear. “Because you’re my darling little slut and you always end up liking it no matter what I do to you, right, Ivan?”
Ivan’s cock gives a valiant twitch just as he feels his hole clench involuntarily. His cheeks flush when he hears En laugh. Ivan’s too embarrassed to look his boyfriend in the eye when En pulls back and lovingly caresses his warm cheek with his thumb.
“But something tells me it’d be better if I spoiled you today,” En murmurs and suddenly, the faint clawing of apprehension at the back of his head slices through the door he'd locked it behind and tears his fragile peace to shreds. He's tense all throughout the process of En washing him, his thoughts scattered every which way trying to figure out how to breach the topic of yesterday. Because En deserves to know.
Yet no matter how much he tries, the words die on his tongue before he can speak them and leave him tasting ash. Anxiety holds his throat so tightly it's almost hard to breathe. Deep inside, he's scared. More than his old traumas coming back, more than the threat on his freedom, he's scared he'll be left all alone again—scared En would leave him.
Something must show on his face because En is extra gentle as he’s patting them both dry from the shower.
“I used to be quite the problem child when I was younger, did you know?” his boyfriend suddenly tells him as they settle back on the bed, toweling their hair dry. Ivan blinks, turning to face En as he settles his towel around his neck. “I’d start fights, say mean things, and hardly think of anyone else but myself. It was all about surviving. Music helped me cope with it all.”
En stares at some indiscernible point on the walls of Ivan’s bedroom, caught in his memories. “Before halmeoni and her daughter found me, I’d grown so numb to everything and did things I’m not proud of, hurt people without a second thought because what was the point of anything when I’ve already lost what was important to me. Then she bullied me into proper shape, helped me on my feet and made me feel like a person again.”
Ivan feels his breath catch in his throat when En glances at him, a little shy but it does nothing to diminish the open adoration in his eyes.
“And then you came along and made me want to try.” En takes Ivan’s hand in his and squeezes. “You made me brave enough to hope again.“
En pulls Ivan close, wraps him in his arms and lets Ivan tuck his head into his shoulder. “So whatever it is you want to tell me, I promise—you’re stuck with me now. Nothing short of divine intervention could pull me from you.”
“No take backs,” Ivan says, voice small and pleading.
“I’ll never run away or leave you, no matter what,” En vows to him, cradling his head tenderly.
“Even if I put you in danger?”
“I’m more worried what that means for you than what that means for me. Is this… related to that legal dispute you had years ago?”
Ivan nods, still holding onto En tightly, unwilling to leave his warmth. There’s many things he needs to say but Ivan's thoughts are still a mess and his throat feels one step away from closing up. He chooses to say the thought that’s at the forefront of everything instead.
“I don’t want him to hurt you.”
“He won’t,” En says firmly, “and I won’t let him touch you, either. ”
Ivan smiles, small and sweet yet stained with a bitterness with the knowledge they were nothing but empty promises. They were going against a man that has built up an empire under his feet and connections so deep even Hyuna-noona’s team would be hard pressed to find them. But he’s touched all the same and he hopes, even if it’s foolish, that En’s promises would stay true.
“You look like your boyfriend stuck a vibrator up your ass and forgot to remove it,” Dewey comments casually beside him. Ivan splutters, glancing at both sides to see if anyone else at the photo studio heard it and visibly deflating when no one else seems to be paying attention to them. Ivan turns to give the large man a reproachful look, cheeks now warm. He’s grateful the foundation they put him hides how red he is.
“I’m just joking, kid,” he says with a teasing grin. “Made you unclench your ass, didn’t it?”
Ivan just sighs, noticeably more relaxed. “Sorry, hyung, I can’t help it. The only time I really feel safe anymore is when I’m at home.”
“Ah, I get it,” Dewey nods sagely at him, “your boytoy got that good a dick, he makes you forget all your problems, huh? Good for you.”
“Hyung—!”
Dewey snickers at him, slapping him on his back once and making Ivan lurch forward from the force of it. One of the assistants hesitantly approaches them and Ivan can see the moment the other man’s gaze turns sharper, alert yet still maintaining his outward looseness. Ivan’s starkly reminded of just why both Hyuna and Hyunwoo trusts him a lot despite seeming frivolous and why Dewey is considered as Isaac’s only equal.
“Ivan-sshi? The set is now ready, if you’d please…”
Ivan nods, keeping careful distance from the assistant as he’s guided back in front of the camera. All throughout the photoshoot, Dewey keeps a careful eye on everyone that gets close to Ivan, even those that work for the agency. It all goes smoothly but after what happened just a couple days ago, Ivan can’t bring himself to fully relax even when he’s alone in the dressing room. The brief moment of respite Dewey had brought him has all but dissipated.
Someone knocks at his door and Ivan startles so badly he nearly trips over himself.
“Ivan?” His manager peeks into the room. “It’s time to go. You still have a script read for your next film scheduled after this.”
“Ah, yes hyung, just let me get my things,” he says as he hurriedly stuffs his belongings into his shoulder bag.
“Shit,” he hears his manager say just as he zips his bag shut followed by a sharp tongue click. “I don’t know how they found out but people are crowding the entrance to the building. Dewey’s getting extra security personnel right now.”
Ivan’s grip on his bag strap tightens, knuckles turning white. For all that he’s been in the spotlight nearly his whole life, he still hasn’t acclimated to the manic kind of attention he gets. He's just one of many people who puts on a mask in front of a camera to flesh out a story. There wasn't anything particularly special to him yet he constantly gets mobbed by the public if he's not careful. It never fails to make him feel claustrophobic when it happens, reminding him of his days under him when his people constantly had their eyes on him. He could tell they were aching to touch him but he was always picky with who he let play with his favorite doll.
“Alright, we should have enough people to cordone them off now,” his manager says as he tiredly rakes his hand through his hair. “I'm really so sorry Ivan, I don't understand how this happened.”
“It's okay, hyung,” Ivan reassures. “Now that he's back, we'll have to expect more things like this, I suppose. I'm just glad he hasn’t done anything crazy yet.”
“ Yet, ” his manager emphasizes with a grimace.
Ivan follows him out the room and spends the few minutes it takes to get down to the ground floor bracing himself for the unease he knows he'll feel. He spends a good minute just looking at the photo he'd taken of En cuddled up to him in bed from a week ago, motivating himself with the thought of going home and sinking in his boyfriend’s warmth.
When the elevator slides open, Ivan can pick up on the faint buzz of people talking outside the building though he can't quite see them with the curtains having been drawn shut.
“Stick close to me and don't let go of my arm, okay? We'll try to get you to the car as fast as possible,” Dewey tells him when he nears the entrance. Ivan hooks an arm around Dewey’s much thicker one as staff members surround Ivan in a protective circle. He nods at Ivan and then they're opening the glass double doors of the entrance. Ivan wonders if this is what game characters feel right before entering a dungeon. He feels very much like he was stepping onto a battlefield.
It's loud, humid, and near blinding from all the flashing lights. Just as expected but Ivan hates it all the same. He tries to keep his mind empty, to focus on nothing else except following Dewey to the car but the seed of fear planted in him days ago has long since grown cancerous and Ivan is helpless to stop it from infecting his mind.
Every which way he glances and catches a hint of silver or a dark blue suit has him shaking and gripping tighter onto Dewey. Every time he doesn't see a hint of Unsha has Ivan searching for him fruitlessly in the tinted windows of nearby cars and other buildings.
Someone manages to reach a hand through and grab onto Ivan's bicep, startling him so badly he nearly loses his grip on Dewey. But someone else steadies him just as the intrusion is pushed away from Ivan. He just barely manages to catch a glimpse of a stoic faced woman built like a truck and an ID plate that says Im Sonyeo before they finally reach the car. Ivan rushes to get in and when he's seated, he turns to the security staff and mouths a thank you. She nods at him just as Dewey also gets in and shuts the door close.
Soon they're driving off and Ivan feels his fear retreat back into the crevices of his mind, not wholly but enough that he feels like he can breathe again. Beside him, he can see Dewey tapping away at his phone, most likely updating Hyuna or Hyunwoo directly about what happened. Ivan fishes his own phone from his pocket. He desperately wants to call his boyfriend just to hear his voice but he hesitates—En had told him in advance he'd be busy today.
To: Boyfriend ❤️
En? If you're not too busy, can I call?
Sent 1:17 pm
Within seconds his phone starts ringing.
“Ivan, is everything okay?” he hears En say and garbled as it may be by the audio quality, Ivan is relieved to hear him all the same.
“I'll tell you when I get home later,” Ivan promises, “I just… can you please keep talking to me? About anything, I don't care, just…”
En hums and starts to recount his day, sidetracking into a rant about annoying money-grabbing idiots with zero appreciation for actual music quality and other mundane things until Ivan arrives at his next agenda and they’re forced to say goodbye. He’s hit with a wave of longing but more than that, his blood no longer simmers just beneath the surface and his thoughts don’t feel as loud.
When Ivan gets home, he makes a beeline for En as soon as he sees him, practically throwing himself onto him where he’s laying on the couch, watching something on the television. He buries his face into En’s shoulder just as arms wrap around him securely. Tension leaves his body incrementally as En rubs his back soothingly.
“Are you okay? I just saw the news. That was practically a sea of people around you and it looked like someone got really close to you.”
“I’m fine, nothing happened,” he says, holding En tighter as he breathes in the familiar scent of his cologne and something that’s just wholly En. “One of the security staff managed to keep them away before they could really do anything and—”
“—on that note, as of the moment, security officer Im Sonyeo has been reported to have gone missing just a few hours after assisting in the escort of celebrity actor Ivan at the—”
Ivan's whole body freezes, his blood turning to ice in his veins and his breathing turns shallow. His phone starts ringing but he can't make himself move. In his mind, the news reporter's voice repeats the same line over and over again as the security officer's face flashes in his mind, melding with an image from years before.
“Ivan. What did I tell you about misbehaving?” Unsha chides him, tone belying his disappointment all while gently stroking the top of Ivan’s head, carding his hands through Ivan’s hair as if to soothe the trembling boy.
“If you had just followed the rules, this wouldn't have happened.”
Ivan nods absently, eyes stuck on television where a reporter talks about the body found washed ashore by a river. It's his caretaker.
It’s his fault. His caretaker had been so hesitant at first before Ivan managed to convince him to try. It was a harmless little thing. He just wanted to go to the amusement park with Till once so he asked if he could skip practice just once. This is his fault, his fault, his fault, his fault, his fault, his fault, his fault—
“—Ivan!”
He blinks and finds hands cupping his face and En looking distraught as he searches Ivan’s face rapidly.
“Whatever happened, that wasn’t your fault,” his boyfriend tells him firmly after seeing Ivan focus on him. He looks away, staring unseeingly at the material of En’s sweater and focuses on the heartbeat under his, at the rise and fall of his En’s chest. His phone starts to ring but Ivan can’t bring himself to reach for it.
“It’s happening again,” he whispers. He hears En speak to him but he doesn’t register anything anymore, his mind reeling with the memories of all the people who’ve gone missing in the past.
“—coworker was alarmed when she didn’t turn up for a debriefing at the end of their shift and—”
“I’m sorry,” he chokes out just as En shifts and turns off the television.
“Ivan,” En starts to say but Ivan shakes his head.
“Please, just stay with me and hold me,” he pleads. He tries to focus on the way En’s sweater feels on his cheek, at the scent of En’s cologne, at the pulse under his fingers where he’d grabbed at En’s wrist, anything and everything in an attempt to ground himself like he’d been taught to.
“It’s going to be okay, Ivan. None of this is your fault,” En repeats in a whisper.
Ivan desperately wishes he could believe that.