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Rui doesn't like eating.

(That might be too extreme a statement.)

It's not that Rui actively dislikes the act of eating. He's not averse to it. In fact, sometimes the repetitive chewing and swallowing motion is comforting in how mundane and thoughtless it is. Ramune candies have that refreshing tangy and sweet lime soda flavour that Rui can never get enough of. He prefers them to the bottled drinks because the candies allow him something to fiddle with in his mouth.

Rui doesn't hate ramune candy. Rui doesn't hate eating.

Food is food. It's to Rui what fuel is to a car.

It's precisely why he doesn't enjoy eating as much as other people do.

To him, the act of consuming food is more often than not tedious and time consuming. There is so much that Rui could accomplish in the few minutes it takes him to finish a sandwich or a bowl of rice and curry. He doesn't necessarily hate eating, but he doesn't like it either. The closest word to describe what he feels towards the idea of eating is apathy. Periodically, enjoyment when it comes to the taste of ramune, periodically, frustration at being a life form that requires feeding to survive and function.

Periodically, relief.

Eating food serves as a reminder that he's just another human made of flesh and blood like everyone else. It's a little hard to remember that he is one at times. He raises the cup of coffee to his mouth and feels more awake by the second; he's alive, he's human.

Isn't that ridiculous?

The act of eating makes him feel human, and yet Rui insists on working himself to the bones, yet he keeps thinking of how he could be working instead of holding a bowl full of unappetising rice and staring at the meaty curry, trying to erase the disgusting onions out of them with his mind.

Rui does a lot of things to feel human.

It sounds ridiculous when he puts it like that. A little silly too.

Hard to remember that one is a human when no one really acknowledges you. Hard to feel like a human when emotions stare you in the face and yet you can't recognise the shape of them. Hard to feel like a human when the only time Rui feels like he can connect with the world he so loves is when he's creating. A new show, a new story, a new robotー the act of creation itself is proof of Rui's existence as a human being.

Rui exists because he creates.

(Rui exists because he eats.)

Somehow the act of eating is less important to him than the act of creating.

The act of eating is an obligation. Rui can't survive without it. If he could, he would stop eating entirely. Snacking on ramune is the pinnacle of Rui's enjoyment while eating. If Rui's body didn't require food, he would entirely forgo the act of eating. It's that kind of apathy.

It doesn't help that Rui can't stomach most food items. He's been an extremely picky eater for as long as he can remember. Vegetables are his most beloathed. The taste, the texture and the way they look after cooked; Rui cannot physically put vegetables in his mouth without wanting to gag. That's not an exaggeration. He tried eating a slice of carrot in the curry that his mother had cooked for him when he was younger. Out of most vegetables, potatoes and carrots were said to be the easiest for kids to eat after all. The moment his teeth bit down and his tongue grazed against the mushy sweetness, something in him physically recoiled and he threw up.

Rui hates vegetables. He hated a lot of food for their weird textures. It wasn't a simple dislike of the texture, but a weird deep-rooted physical reaction that he couldn't just shrug off. Some would call it an overreaction, but the sensation of weird and bad textures was distressing to him.

Majority of the food had that kind of texture. Rui had a very narrow selection of what food he could consume without wanting to scrub his tongue and mouth raw with a brush. He didn't care nearly enough about food to spend that much energy on finding himself a balanced meal with what little he could stomach. Most of the time Rui relied on unhealthy store bought carbs to make sure he gets his energy from somewhere. Milk bread, melon bread, coffee, energy drinks and energy jellies became his best friends throughout his entire junior high school years.

Rui’s pickiness with food has always led him to taking vitamin supplements, since he was a child, but this trait wasn't as harmful back then as it became during junior high.

As a child, Rui faintly remembers having some sort of instinctual drive to eat. A healthy appetite as most people would call it. There was a point in Rui’s life when he wanted to eat not even an hour after having his meal. Gnawing on the cheese crackers that his parents stored away for whenever he felt those pangs of hunger, munching on breadsticks that were a weirdly tasty mix between sweet and salty, suckling on ramune to refresh his palate after his food was tainted by vegetablesー at some point Rui thinks that his parents were almost proud of the fact that he was eating despite his pickiness. Now looking back, that sort of increase in appetite was definitely because of the terrifying growth spurt his body was preparing to have.

Rui doesn't even remember when he went from being barely five feet and wanting his parents to carry him to get things down from the shelf to suddenly being taller than both his parents. His appetite waned after that growth period and he barely remembers the feeling of what it means to be hungry anymore. In most of the photos of him as a toddler, Rui has always looked small, soft and pudgy in the way all kids were. It's almost a little too much to handle the discrepancy of the thought that the chubby kid in the photo is the same person who would later be known for being that one weirdly skinny and lanky person.

Rui loses what's left of his appetite upon reaching junior high. Even the mundane motion of chewing and swallowing and chewing and swallowing becomes grating to him. A cumbersome task, a cumbersome body, a cumbersome life.

(Eating doesn't give meaning to his waning existence so why should it be important?)

So he throws himself into creating. Rui exists because he creates. Even if no one but his parents acknowledge his existence, as long as he continues creating, there would be a simple yet resolute proof that Rui still exists in the same plane as the world around him. Because he can create, he has the privilege of existing.

Rui exists because he creates.

An appointment with the doctor.

Rui exists because heー

“You're the mother, yes? Your child’s weight is much lower than what it should be according to the height and age. The symptoms you've listed points towards iron deficiency too. I've written down a few pills to help with that, as well as vitamin supplements.” The doctor’s gaze shifts towards Rui, looking him right in the eye and it's intense, but he swallows his apprehension and maintains eye contact despite feeling like he could throw up. “With all that said, cases like these are sadly common among young girls nowadays. Striving for the ideal body image…”

“I don't have body image issues.” Rui responds, catching onto the subtle question within the doctor’s words. As far as he's aware, he's never felt the need to lose weight to fit into a certain standard.

He doesn't know how else to describe his weird relation with food. Rui can barely make the head and tail out of the situation himself, he can't even begin to explain to the doctor how he truly feels. What he does know is that he doesn't have any sort of ill will towards his own physical body. It's just a body that he was born with. Apathy like how he feels towards everything else in his life.

It's a little disconcerting to hear the doctor address him as a girl, even if Rui is okay with being called either way. The way medical professionals say it feels extremely pointed though. Like they're deliberately ignoring the way he keeps his hair short, the way he dresses in loose fitting clothes, the way his speech is markedly more masculine than anything else; like they're denying him the identity he's built for himself because of the body he was born in. He's not a girl to them because he's okay with being either. He's a girl to them because he has the body of one.

Somewhat dehumanising in a strange way.

Rui may be tired with life and he may feel like he'd rather pass out in his garage than have to bear the gaze of a judgemental doctor, but he's still more than willing to mess around with people. The way the doctor’s brow twitches whenever Rui uses the pronoun ‘ore’ might be the most entertaining thing to happen in his life in a long time.

He chose to wear loose fitting clothes because they're comfortable. He occasionally binds his chest because there's a different kind of joy in being seen as a more masculine person by other people. The first time an old lady on the train called him ‘boy’ while thanking him for giving her the seat he was using, his heart jumped at the pleasant surprise. In any case, somehow it feels like there's less eyes on him when he looks like any other boy.

The doctor tries to blame the weight loss on dysphoria, now out of options. Rui doesn't really experience dysphoria either.

In the end, Rui is sent home with a bunch of supplements and a few comments to try to eat more. If only it was as easy as said.

Rui doesn't like eating.

(Rui exists because he creates.)

Rui exists because he eats.

Rui doesn't like eating.

1

"Rui, are you sure you don't want it?" Tsukasa asks, holding half of the hundred percent beef burger Rui was unable to finish.

"Yes." Rui responds amused, “you can eat it if you want to.”

Tsukasa stares at Rui for a while as if to gauge the level of truth in his words. Satisfied with whatever he sees, he announces, “Don't mind me if I do then!”

He begins eating the burger, taking one large bite and chewing leisurely as if savouring the flavour of the bun, meat and the sauce. With the way he eats, the burger might be gone in three bites and a half. He looks like he enjoys eating very much. Big mouthfuls, careful chewing and savouring, swallowing and repeat. When the sauce squirts out on the tip of his nose, he immediately searches for a napkin to wipe it off, mid chewing. Somehow it's a nice sight. His dear friend is eating well.

The time Tsukasa declared that he wouldn't eat or drink for the sake of understanding the emotions of the character he was playing scared Rui a little. All he could do was trust Tsukasa’s sense of self preservation and believe that he wouldn't push himself too far. Even then he kept checking on Tsukasa just in case, sharing glances with Emu and Nene so that they could immediately step in if the situation took a turn for the worse. How far would he push his own physical capabilities to act out a scene properly? The question formed there.

If that sort of behaviour escalated to more dangerous situations like where a character has to act out getting shot or dying or being ill, Rui wouldn't know what to do to deter Tsukasa.

As eccentric as Tsukasa is, in the end all three of them trust their leader. He's more careful and considerate than most people think.

In the end he put on a splendid show and after, he put out an entire chunk of congratulatory steak all by himself so Rui didn't have to worry anymore.

Rui didn't know people could eat passionately before he met Tsukasa.

You are what you eat.

Tsukasa’s body is solid and soft in all the right places. Rui knows this because that one time Tsukasa gave him a hug, he had to wheeze like an old man. And also because of the frequent sleepovers they have as a group of four. Tsukasa runs warm naturally so it isn't unusual to see him sleeping with his limbs sprawled all over, blanket tossed aside, shirt ridden up a little for his tummy to poke out. On a rare occasion that Rui, Nene and Emu woke up before Tsukasa, they'd tickled him awake, poking at his stomach and giggling to each other, feeling the soft pudge beneath their fingers give away.

How nice that your body treats you back kindly when you treat it with kindness first.

Rui thinks of his own, marred with strips of discoloured stretch marks from the previous growth spurt, ribs poking out harshly, limbs lanky and skeletal, more boney than soft like how a real human body should be.

During junior high, Mizuki had entered the dressing room along with him once to help him into a blouse that zipped up from the back. She'd said that the thinness of his body was a desired ideal for most women. It's a little strange as much as it is disheartening that people would rather destroy their own bodies in the pursuit of a made up ideal. He's constantly tired and cold, his hair thinned out, nails brittle, and body too prone to falling ill. Rui wouldn't wish that upon the worst of his enemies.

Food used to taste like sand back then.

No enjoyment from eating at all. Only a mounting sense of frustration at how hopeless everything was. Why should he even eat if everything was going to taste like a mouthful of sand? Sleeping, eating, creating and repeating; like a mindless clockwork toy with no choice to break out of that cycle. Food didn't always taste like nothing. Rui thought that not being able to taste food was an exaggeration made by writers to emphasise how bleak a situation truly is. He didn't know it would actually happen in real life, to him.

Like wading through water that only he could see. Heavy, heavy water that muffled everything. Washed out sense of taste and sense of feelings, like being apathetic meant that he wasn't allowed to derive happiness from anything at all.

He's resurfaced now.

Rui feels like he can breathe again. A breath of relief after sinking and sinking with no end in sight. He can enjoy the taste of the sharp, sour-sweetness of ramune. His feelings are still somewhere under the water, muffled and unrecognisable, but Rui would take even the slightest bit of sadness over apathy. There's inexplicable hope even if he knows that there will be times when the water pulls him back again.

Having friends isn't going to save him from depression, that Rui knows well. But he can't deny that things are much better now. Even if the tides will inevitably sweep him away again, he knows that he has an anchor to keep him tethered now. He has a home to swim back to if things get too tough. It makes a world of difference to him.

Having friends isn't going to save him but it's nice anyway.

Tsukasa likes cooking.

He comes to school everyday with a handmade bento that Rui previously thought his mother made for him. As it turns out, Tsukasa wakes up pretty early everyday to make bento for both him and his sister. It's always a balanced meal with the perfect amount of carbohydrates, protein, vitamins and overall nutrition. Rui almost feels a little bad for stealing the lovingly made octopus shaped sausages from Tsukasa’s bento. Trading away the vegetable sandwich he accidentally bought for a few pieces of sausages.

Tsukasa likes cooking.

“I made this for you.” A neatly wrapped bento.

Rui feels like the love interest of a shoujo manga for one single second before he tears himself away from that delusion lest he get carried away. There's a bento in his hands that Tsukasa made and it's mostly just meat and rice. There's a bento in his hands that Tsukasa made specifically for him. A bento that he had woken up early to make with lots of the octo-shaped sausages that Rui so loves stealing from Tsukasa. Rui almost wished Nene was up on the rooftop today, or even Emu, to let himself recover from the idea of getting something that was cooked for him and only him.

But there's no Nene or Emu today. Just Tenma Tsukasa, his earnestness, a handmade bento and a very flustered Kamishiro Rui.

Rui creates because he loves.

He exists as a human because he creates.

Creation is synonymous to ‘love’ for Rui.

Cooking is a form of creation too, isn't it? Creating tasty dishes out of different ingredients, thinking of the other party’s expression, thinking of what they like, wanting to see them revel in what you've made; this is love.

Rui is holding a bento in his hand and he almost mechanically puts the sausage in his mouth, chewing slowly to savour it like how Tsukasa does and letting the savoury-salty taste settle in his tongue. It's so good. Rui is eating what Tsukasa cooked and the food tastes a little like love. Somehow the idea of being thought about to the point of having a bento made for him is so good that he almost has some sort of appetite. Like trying to say that he accepts this form of love and that he's grateful for what he's been bestowed with.

“Wow, you almost cleared the entire box!” Tsukasa exclaims, looking at the small portion of rice that Rui just couldn't finish. He really wanted to be able to finish the entire thing but his stomach disagreed with him. Tsukasa doesn't seem to care much about that, seeing the smug look on his face. Here it comes.

“Go ahead and praise me and my phenomenal cooking! I know you want to. Yes indeed, your friend Tenma Tsukasa is not only a great actor but also a highly competent cook! A person of many enviable talentsー!”

“It was really delicious.” Rui agrees, smiling. “The sausages especially.”

“Of course!”

Rui continues, “The way you put careful thought into making sure not to put any vegetables into my box as well as arranging the food in an appetising way is commendable.”

“Heh, obviously!”

“I noticed that you made sure to make the sauce on mine sweeter than yours because that's how I like it. You're incredibly considerate to my preferences.”

“Well, yeah that'sー”

“You must've woken up earlier than usual to make mine as well as both you and your sister’s bento. Knowing full well that there was a chance that I would even finish half the food. You're so kind. The texture of the karaage was really pleasant because you've been paying attention when I said that I didn't like them too soggy or soft. You're a great actor that goes without saying but you're also a great friend, on top of thatー”

“Okay! That's enough!” Tsukasa shouts, face red, his palms covering Rui’s mouth from saying any more words. Oh even his ears have turned red. “I just made a simple bento for you. You, you don't need to go that far!”

The subtle lemon scent of the hand cream that Tsukasa regularly uses draws Rui’s attention from the conversation. Oh, Tsukasa’s palm is brushing against his lips too.

While Rui is struck silent and flustered by the situation, his own face heating up, Tsukasa thankfully withdraws his hands apparently distracted enough by his own embarrassment to not notice Rui quietly imploding. Tsukasa purses his lips, looking away before glancing at the almost empty bento box that he set aside, the red slowly fading from his face.

“I can make one for you everyday since you seem to enjoy it.” He says.

Rui immediately shakes his head. “No, no, you don't have to.”

He'd rather Tsukasa not inconvenience himself everyday just because a simple bento makes him happy. Taking so much without giving anything back in return; it makes Rui feel like the friendship between them is an unfair exchange with him benefiting more than Tsukasa. It just wouldn't do. Not when Rui is not nearly capable enough of reciprocating in a way that would make Tsukasa feel even an ounce of what he felt receiving that bento.

Rui doesn't want to ask for more than what he already has been blessed with.

“Why not?” Tsukasa replies instead of letting the conversation end there. “I wake up early anyway. The only thing that really changes is the portion I’ll need to cook.”

Rui doesn't know how to explain to Tsukasa that it's not about the food as much as it is about the effort. It's easier to justify an extra added portion as something he can pay back later, but the effort put into a bento customised and suited to fit his tastes? The implication of being thought of the entire time that one box is made for him? The joy of receiving something like that everyday? How is Rui supposed to pay back something that doesn't have a fixed value?

Creation is love.

Rui won't do his friend the disservice of placing an arbitrary price tag on his act of love.

Somehow it just makes it even harder for Rui to swallow the thought of Tsukasa making him lunch everyday.

“If it really makes you that uncomfortable, I can make you lunch on certain days. How about that?” Tsukasa tries once again.

How awful that Tsukasa is the one trying to accommodate him when Rui’s the one who should be considerate.

No amount of stories could've ever prepared him for the reality of being loved in this way.

So Rui sucks it up and smiles at Tsukasa, his usual smile, an honest one. “As long as it won't inconvenience you.”

I've never been on the receiving end of this sort of affection, Rui wants to convey. Only my parents have come this close.

It tastes a little pathetic in his tongue. The emotion he feels rising and falling like something he can never grasp.

Honesty.

“No one has ever offered to make me something.” Rui looks at the box instead of Tsukasa’s face. It feels like a cowardly move. “Sorry I don't even know what to say.”

There's a beat of silence and when he dares glance at Tsukasa, there's a smile on his face.

“Replacing that ‘sorry’ with ‘thank you’ would be more than enough.”

2

“I'm so tired~!” Emu says out loud, stretching her arms high up. “All the props were so, so heavy!”

“You wouldn't be so tired if you and Tsukasa didn't compete over who would transport the most props all by yourselves.” Nene chides while handling a notepad with the checklist of the props.

Emu giggles. “I won though! Look at Tsukasa right now!”

Rui crouches beside Tsukasa who's slumped over the stage floor, panting, but instead of helping him up, he starts taking pictures of him. Tsukasa mumbles something with his face half smooshed to the floor that sounds like ‘not in… a graceless state like this…’ which Rui happily ignores. It's not a surprise that even a fit person like Tsukasa is slumped over exhausted like this since he very deliberately chose to carry all the heavier items by himself. Both a matter of an inflated self confidence and the will of not wanting Emu to injure herself trying. In the end Tsukasa alone transported multiple props that would usually take more than one person to carry.

Not to downplay Emu’s efforts in transporting the smaller ones faster than Tsukasa, of course. Rui didn't even have to raise a finger.

A good thing that at least one half of their troupe is athletic.

“I'm so hungry I could eat an entire gingerbread house all by myself!” Emu declares once again.

“Good work, both of you.” Rui stands up from where he's crouched and walks towards the bench where Emu rests. He lets out a light laugh before sitting next to her, and says, “It's not a gingerbread house, but I do have something for you.”

Her eyes sparkle. “For me?”

Rui leans close to Emu, angling his head towards her. “Do you want to see a magic trick?”

“Yeah!”

He splays both his hands wide apart to show Emu that they have nothing in them, alternating between the backside and the palm. She watches on curiously as to where he's trying to lead her. Tilting her head like a lost puppy. It's a cute image. He twirls his left hand and gets the protein bar out of his sleeve before Emu can noticeーmagic tricks are all about tricking the human eye after allー and by the time the rotation of his wrist completes, there's that bar, held out on his hand for Emu to take.

She gasps and lets out a confused ‘hwoi?’ sound, checking Rui’s hands once again but alas there's nothing there but the protein bar.

“Where did you get that from?” She asks, still amazed.

The best thing about learning these little magic tricks is that Emu never fails to be fascinated by them. Her reactions are everything. For as long as it is possible, Rui would rather Emu never learn of the truth behind these sleight of hand if it meant he could always put that expression on her face.

“Rather than asking me that, weren't you saying that you were hungry?” Rui drops the protein bar into Emu’s hand.

“Wow, thank you for asking us too, Rui. You're so nice.” Nene dryly adds, tossing the notepad of the checklist to him for double-checking.

It lands on his lap with a soft thump. Rui fake-flinches like he's been afflicted with the worst kind of injuries. A smile breaks out on his face, ruining his charade, when he hears Emu giggle. “I was going to give them to you guys too. No need to resort to such violence, dear Nene!”

“You're impossible.” She sighs.

While Nene offers Tsukasa a hand to help him stand on his feet, Rui watches Emu eat. It's always fascinating to look at people when they're eating because there are unique little tics everyone does that flit by unnoticed by most. Like the way Emu does a happy wiggle when she realises that it's berry-flavoured, her favourite, like the way she messily rips open the packet and almost subconsciously stuffs the plastic in her pocket with her left handー Nene and Tsukasa usually use the plastic to hold the barー and the way she chews and swallows almost hastily like her hunger truly is an all-consuming thing; minute observations like these.

Emu has her favourites but usually she eats just about anything. Even vegetables. Sometimes she says she craves vegetables more than meat, which Rui cannot comprehend but good for her.

Not like he has any room to complain about what she likes or dislikes when she's the reason why eating in restaurants he's not familiar with is so easy. She happily takes vegetables off his plate and eats it herself. It's to the point that they actively choose to sit by each other while eating out, so that exchanging food can be easier. Emu is willing to eat anything at any point of time, no matter what. That kind of appetite is something of envy.

That kind of appetite must be necessary to fuel that sort of endless energy.

Rui tosses the two protein bars at Nene, one of which gets tossed to Tsukasa after. He didn't really have the habit of just carrying food on his person before this. Candies, energy jelly and his life-sustaining ramune sure, but not protein bars. Not half opened packets of crackers or cans of grapefruit juice or convenience store bought taiyaki. Rui has never cared about lugging around so many eatables in his bag before the start of this troupe.

He has changed, hasn't he?

Surely that's a good thing.

“Rui, you should eat too!” Emu reminds.

It's a good thing.

He tilts his head downwards to show that he's listening and unwraps his own bar. It's not like he's hungry the way Emu is; just honestly tired, but it's still nice to get to chew and swallow and chew and swallow, almost mindlessly. Comforting after the fatigue of a good day’s work. Once he finishes, he says, “Dessert after a meal is a must. Don't you feel like having something sweet?”

“You call that a meal?” Nene mutters, which he ignores graciously.

Emu looks at Rui with hopeful eyes. “You've got more?”

He simply gestures at his hood with his thumb, and lowers his head to let her see inside better. Emu leans over until he can practically feel her body warmth radiate on his back, and he can tell exactly which moment she finally sees the handful of fruit candies he stored away in there. Emu is extremely easy to read when she's not upset, after all. Rui hopes things can go on like this forever. That he can make sure she never experiences the kind of upset that compels her to hide from him. From any of them. Happiness comes from little things. If something as mundane as the candies he meticulously put in the hood of his jacket after practice can bring Emu joy then, even that surely is a little piece of happiness.

Rui has never known food in this way before.

This must be the reason why when you persevere through similar trials and tribulations alongside your friends the proverb ‘to have eaten from the same pot’ applies the best. Because eating food together expresses a level of intimacy and understanding that most wouldn't be able to notice. Because it is such a domestic expression; to eat together under the same sky, using the same pot to cook, sharing not just a table but more. Because humans are such creatures that are their best selves when surrounded by warm friends, easy conversation and a full stomach.

Food has always brought people together. Rui only understands this now.

(Rui didn't like eating.)

Rui exists because he eats.

Rui exists because food allows such opportunities for bonding among friends.

This is one of the many ways food helps humanise Rui.

Though Rui isn't foolish enough to think he'll ever come to love the idea of eating, love food, the same earnest and simple way Tsukasa and Emu do, he can still come to appreciate the way it has brought his friends together. He can still appreciate the way Tsukasa bounces his legs when clearing a particularly delicious dish. He can still appreciate the way Emu lets out a content sigh after she finishes eating. It's not the most conventional way of liking the idea of eating but Rui has never cared for conventional. Why should he start caring now?

Emu isn't the best at cooking, and Rui has had to endure a couple of times when she attempted making a bento for him after seeing Tsukasa bring him one. There was no way he was ever going to tell her what she cooked for him was bad. Thankfully there were no vegetables so Rui tried his best to chew through the soggy rice (she put too much water in the rice cooker, didn't she?), raised both his thumbs in an a-okay gesture with an extra smile pasted on his face to show her that he absolutely loved it. It wasn't like it tasted too bad. Rui can handle some over-salted meat, barely cooked eggs and some crumpled nori sheets. He'd happily eat boiled chicken with no seasoning if it came from Emu. What Rui couldn't handle however was the texture of most things. Too mushy rice felt horrible, but thinking of the sad face Emu would make if he spat it out made him swallow it all without even chewing. Not like he needed to with how slippery the rice was.

The point is, Emu isn't the best at cooking.

What she is great at is baking though.

Their first Valentine's day together; Emu baked a cake for all of them, her first time ever having baked something. Of course, her senior and her friend helped but that moment was probably what kick-started her love for baking. The chocolate cake tasted amazing. Rui could tell Emu had spared no expense to use only the highest quality of ingredients. The fact that it came from Emu made it taste all the more sweeter.

It's after that day she starts getting truly into baking.

Nene, Tsukasa and Rui, and maybe even all the other friends that Emu had, were the unfortunate victim to the first few batches of faulty yet well-loved cookies.

Emu is a quick learner. After a few more attempts the cookies start tasting more like what they're supposed to.

Rui can only stand on the sidelines and applaud as his friends achieve great culinary progress. The only thing he can cook is an egg and instant noodles. That's all he needs to sustain his body while staying up all night tinkering away on another new gadget. Rui has created culinary devices by watching tutorials on YouTube on how to cook certain food items yet he himself can't cook. He has never once in his life tried baking before and he doesn't think he's going to try any time soon.

“Rui! Could you get that jar for me?”

Or so he thought.

“Of course.” Rui gently takes the jar out of the cupboard and places it down on the kitchen island.

It's Valentine's day and this time Emu and Rui conspired together to surprise the other two. Conspiring these sorts of plans would be hard, seeing as they always spent Valentine's day together in Wonderland sekai, but this year both of them have feigned being busy due to various reasons and that they won't be able to join Tsukasa and Nene this evening. When in reality they were actually planning on making a cake and making it a surprise. A good plan in theory.

The only problem? Rui can't bake.

So Rui passes the ingredients to Emu, feeling the head chef’s eyes digging into his back and feeling overall useless standing beside a seasoned baker. If it were his own house it would've been easier for him to figure out where everything is but the kitchen Emu’s house has is almost three times as big as his own and Rui feels like he's walked more transporting all the ingredients than he does in his daily life. It doesn't help that the head chef is overseeing both of them so that they don't accidentally set off kitchen fires or other safety hazards. He means well but his presence serves more as a distraction than anything.

“Mr. Chef! I think we ran out of sugar. Can you please get some from the store?”

The chef’s brows furrow. “Miss Emu, I think you might be-”

“Quick, we don't have time!” She whines.

The chef exits the kitchen immediately with a nod. Emu’s faux frown immediately quirks up into a triumphant grin the moment he disappears from sight, and if Rui didn't know what was happening from the start, he'd have caught the drift by now. The almost full jar of sugar sits by the open cabinet innocently. What a devious move.

“You didn't have to do that for me.” Rui sighs, unable to stop the smile that grows on his face anyway. Emu’s ability to read someone’s emotions so perfectly has never ceased to amaze him. “But thank you, I appreciate it.”

She settles the bowl of batter on the island to turn towards him. “Don't mention it! Sorry it took me so long to figure out that the staring was making you uncomfortable.”

It's a little stupid to feel uncomfortable just because someone is watching him; Rui wants to say but the stern look on Emu’s face makes him swallow his words. Too good. She's too good at this.

“Then, can you tell me more about the recipe you're using?” Rui says instead.

Though he's not interested much in cooking or baking, as long as Emu is interested, he's always willing to listen to whatever she has to say. Learning what she loves to do because he loves her.

Emu’s face slackens in something akin to sadness and Rui immediately begins panicking in his head because this was not what he was after, oh god why is he so bad at talking with people who are supposed to be his friendsー

“You know, my grandma really really loved baking.” She finally says, that sadness taking the form of a bittersweet memory. “She’d already… passed by the time I was born. Grandpa kept the recipe book she'd handwritten and even laminated it so that the pages wouldn't get damaged. He once said he hoped I would find the same joy grandma did while baking.”

“And did you?” He asks softly.

She inhales once before a smile stretches across her face. “I did and I do!”

“I think I understand now why she loved baking.” When Rui makes a questioning noise, Emu continues. “It's because seeing people you love enjoy what you made for them is… it makes my chest feel like it's all tingling and full of warmth.”

And oh, does Rui get it.

“I understand you.” He thinks of staying up late at night to finish hammering out the last of Nenerobo’s flaws, he thinks of meticulously placing all the buttons all around his room, he thinks of the way Mizuki had burst out laughing at every funny voiceline that came out of the robot and he thinks of tweaking parts of a bird robot so that it may mimic the motions of a phoenix. For what greater pleasure is there than to see people you love enjoy what you made for them?

(I made this for you. I love you.)

Creation is the sixth way of loving someone after all.

“Let's make this chocolate cake the best they've ever had.” Rui says, letting out a light laughter.

“Yeah!” She raises one determined fist up. “Let's do this together!”

3

Nene is the most similar to Rui in regards to his views of eating.

Though even she is not as fully clinical as Rui as to think of food simply as food. There are certain things she enjoys and her tastes are so vastly different from his own. While he likes the sweet, sweet fizzy taste of ramune, Nene prefers something more bitter and tangy like grapefruit. She swears that the taste gets sweeter the more you eat it but Rui isn't so masochistic as to voluntarily put that in his mouth. He tried once just to see when he was younger and he isn't sure if his taste buds ever recovered.

The point is, Nene’s appetite is little but she eats nonetheless.

There was a point in middle school where she'd lost a lot of weight. Though they didn't talk as much, they were still neighbours and more often than not crossed each other’s path while walking to school or going to the convenience store. It was like watching an avalanche from the bottom of the hill, unable to move from where the snow pinned him down and unable to warn the other about the disaster. Helpless. The guilt of not being able to do anything without accidentally making it worse was overwhelming.

And now that the snow has melted, leaving both of them waterlogged with one too many feelings about the avalanche. The general feeling of care for each other never dying even when buried under everything. They've spent so long being trapped under the snow that now that the sun has melted it away, it almost feels a little too exposing to be without it. That, maybe things were better when they were suffering if this vulnerability was what they had to go through to become a human again.

The process of becoming whole again is taxing.

Even so, because Nene is important to Rui and because Rui is still, impossibly, somehow important to Nene, they trudge on forward, refusing to let go of the other’s hand. If the avalanche were to happen again, as long as both of them are together, maybe things would be different this time. That after the snow melts, they'd be able to head to the future together, hand in hand because they've suffered through the worst of what had to come.

The changes are gradual.

What used to be sparse texts and curt replies to each other transforms slowly into everyday messages about small things. This rock reminded him of her so he sends her a photo, that candy you liked so much is being sold in this store once again, both of them are still awake so why not head to the convenience store together to clear their heads; little things that need no mentioning being mentioned because they want to interact with each other once again. This friendship didn't die through the worst of the avalancheー this time, try harder so that it may never once get frayed again.

Nene reminds him to eat every now and then.

Emu and Tsukasa are tucked in and snoring in their beds by ten, at most. Nene stays up late playing games and scrolling through social media, and Rui being Rui, he can't sleep until he's done with what he started in the evening. Her texts come like clockwork after the clock strikes eleven. A reminder for him to have some light snack because he rushes through his dinner to get back to his garage. The text and the timing is so consistent that Rui has come to expect her text. These days he's even started to send the photos of his midnight snacks as proof that he's actually eating. She sends him one back, the crinkled packet of chips and can of energy drink backlit by the light of her TV screen.

It reminds him of when they were younger and watched shows together. Rui would always be engrossed in watching even though it was Nene’s idea to watch, and she'd have to drag him away from the screen so that they could eat together. Rui only ate for as long as Nene did, whether he felt full or not, and went back to watching the show again.

His idea of eating for the sake of enjoying the food was skewed from the very start.

It was always the company he wanted anyway.

“Cup noodles?” Rui questions as Nene sets them down on the table along with the electric kettle.

She clicks her tongue. “Don't look at me like that. I don't have anything better okay? Mom and dad went out to do grocery shopping.”

“I'm not judging.” He says, shrugging his shoulders while watching the steam rise from the cup. “It's not like I eat any better anyway. I was just surprised it wasn't those potato chips you love so much.”

There's a beat of silence before Nene mutters. “I finished the last of them yesterday.”

Rui feigns disbelief and indignation, putting a hand on his forehead. “Finishing food you could be sharing with an honoured guest all by yourself? Just so you could present me with instant cup noodles? You're so-”

He yelps, dramatics cut short by the finger flicking his forehead.

“Shut up. I would've finished these cup noodles too if I knew you'd be coming over to tutor me today.” She rolls her eyes and sits,placing the chicken flavoured one in front of him.

“You're so mean to me.” Rui rubs his forehead with a grin on his face.

Usually in these cases, Nene would rather rely on Emu to teach her. After all, Emu has managed to do more than just fine in an elite school. Her academics are better than both Tsukasa and Nene. Today however Emu had club activities that stopped her from returning home early so Nene had no choice but to ask Rui for help. It's not like he's a bad teacher or anything. If anything Rui is annoyingly good at even this. It's just that he's a lot more annoying than Emu, and knows just where to poke her, metaphorically, to get her reactions.

Though Nene is acting annoyed, Rui knows that she enjoys his company so all is well.

There's a maths test coming up soon and Nene only managed to pass the previous one with the breadth of a hair and the teacher’s warning. It's easy enough for her to memorise the formulas but if only maths were as simple as that. Rui has never struggled in maths, or any of his classes honestly, so teaching her shouldn't be much of a problem. It helps that she's one grade lower than him so he can just go over the basics again to refresh his memory.

They had been practising and going through a couple of worksheets before Nene declared snack break so here they were now. With cup noodles in their hands.

Rui picks the noodles with his chopsticks and blows on them a couple of times before putting it in his mouth. He has burned his mouth one too many a times by drinking scalding hot coffee, he's not repeating the mistake with noodles. He's thankfully not as sensitive as Mizuki when it comes to hot food. She used to tell him about how she put ice cubes into her cup noodles once they were done.

“Who invented maths in the first place? I want to kill them.” Nene mutters while skimming through her worksheet and eating at the same time.

Rui chuckles. “Unfortunately he's already dead. Were the problems that difficult to solve, Nene?”

She gives him a blank look that tells him everything.

He goes back to eating.

The food is not all that good quality. The noodle is stringy, the broth too salty, the chunks of what are supposed to be chicken taste like anything but chicken. It doesn't taste all that great, but Rui doesn't mind it. There’s nothing with icky textures in cup noodles and Nene has thankfully decided to not put the dried vegetable packet in his so he can still stomach everything. Like fuel, this gives him energy and helps him not be hungry.

And yet.

It's different from eating alone in his garage. Talking with the toy robots he makes like he's on stage, monologuing his hearts away. When his throat gets dry, think so loudly in his mind that it's almost as if he can hear it being thought out loud.

(Rui didn't like eating.)

Rui exists because he eats.

Rui exists because he has someone to eat along with.

Rui exists because food allows opportunities for bonding.

As Nene mutters away while trying to memorise the mathematical formulas, Rui puts another mouthful in and can't help but feel content.

(I love you. I want us both to eat well.)