Chapter Text
F E L I X
Felix sleeps in Chan’s bed that night and doesn’t see Hyunjin in the morning. It’s mostly his own fault, he wakes up late, and they have schedule, so he only sees him in passing on his way back to the dorm to get his things.
One night turns into three, then five, until Felix realizes he needs to find a way to sleep alone again. Seungmin is the only one who’s said something so far, who has asked why he doesn’t come home anymore, and Jisung is raising an eyebrow the mornings he spots him before Felix can go back to his own dorm. Changbin, who usually comes home with Chan from the gym, just winces when he spots Felix waiting again, sometimes coming in and pulling Felix into his arms while he waits for his turn in the shower, and Felix doesn’t even care that he’s all sweaty from working out, he's just glad that someone is holding him.
Felix tries to hide from Hyunjin that he spends the nights. He’s not sure if Hyunjin still knows that Felix is there, but at least they don’t see each other before they’re picked up for schedule or practice, Felix arriving from his own dorm as if nothing had changed.
It’s three in the morning when Felix wakes up on night six, and Chan’s still at his desk, hunched over his laptop with his headphones propped at a weird angle on his head as if his ears are already hurting from wearing them for so long. He looks up when Felix gets out of bed.
“Hungry,” Felix mumbles when Chan raises an eyebrow, and he nods, and his focus shifts back to whatever he was working on.
The rest of the dorm seems asleep or close to it, given the lack of noise around him, so Felix is extra careful going into the kitchen, barefoot so he’s not making any noise, and not even turning the light on, instead using his phone’s flashlight to find his way. He’s in the mood for something sweet, and he knows Jisung had brought more of the pudding cups that Minho loves so much, the same ones Felix is raiding during his late-night snack runs in his own dorm.
He sees Hyunjin out of the corner of his eyes when his hand is reaching for the fridge door.
Hyunjin looks like he’s been already asleep, his eyes small, shying away from Felix’s flashlight, and his hair a little messy. He looks so innocent like that. Unguarded, Felix thinks. He stares because he can’t do anything else as his heart assaults him in his chest, squeezing so hard that he can barely breathe.
“Felix?” Hyunjin asks, clearly surprised to see him there. “Are you staying at our dorm again?”
So he had noticed. Felix wonders if he did or if someone told him. There’s something off about Hyunjin’s tone, something Felix can’t quite put his finger on or doesn’t want to in fear of mixing up hope and reality again. If he was though, if he’d follow his thought, he would ask if Hyunjin sounded sad because Felix spent time at their dorm but didn’t spend time with him.
Their moment at the convenience store has left them at a standstill, and Felix is unsure about himself, about how to reign himself in again and be just a friend to Hyunjin when he wants-. When he wants. He thinks of himself like that open wound again, but this time, it’s his love that’s seeping out of every pore, every nerve ending, and he doesn’t yet know how to not bleed on him, when he dares to get close to Hyunjin, phsyically or otherwise.
“I’m staying with Channie-hyung,” Felix replies. He feels guilty now that he’s facing Hyunjin, and he’s looking for words to explain away the reasons, but he can’t find any.
“You don’t want to see me?” Hyunjin asks in English, and sounds smaller somehow, vulnerable. “You are here every day and you never come to see me.”
Felix's stomach clenches immediately. (He’s doing it wrong, all wrong.) “No, Jinnie, of course, that’s not- I-.” Felix closes his mouth, gives up on explaining himself when he doesn’t know yet how to lie.
Hyunjin still waits. His eyes cast down and his brows furrowed, not masking any of what he’s feeling.
It’s unfair and it hurts, and yet Felix can’t help but feel horrible watching Hyunjin putting two and two together. That of course Felix avoiding him or sleeping in Chan’s room every night is about him. But Felix is more than two steps ahead of Hyunjin in figuring himself out. He realizes that too.
He sighs, and finally opens the fridge. “I came to eat something. You want pudding, too?” He almost laughs when Hyunjin frowns, obviously thrown by the sudden change in the conversation.
Taken aback, he nods.
They take out the two pudding cups and two spoons, and instead of sitting down at the table, Felix chooses a spot on the floor, leaning against the drawers that hold the pots and pans, and Hyunjin joins him, sitting close enough their arms are touching. They’ve sat like that in their old dorm sometimes when everyone was hanging around in the kitchen and there wasn’t enough space at the table.
Felix turns the flashlight off and puts his phone away. There are still enough lightsources, with the city outside the window and the clock on the microwave, so that it’s not fully dark, but it seems softer in this light, safer somehow. Sitting on the floor like this, digging into their pudding cups, it feels a little like they’re children sneaking around, stealing snacks in the middle of the night when they had been forbidden to do so. It eases the tension between them a little.
Felix still searches for the right words but finally decides on a softer version of the truth. “I don’t want to sleep alone lately. And Chan lets me sleep in his bed.” He looks over to Hyunjin, trying to see his reaction, and he’s wearing that frown still, the light through the window creating patterns on his face. Felix is reminded that he’s always had those moments with him where Hyunjin is so beautiful that he catches himself staring and has to look away.
“And why you don’t want to sleep alone?” he asks, English again, and he’s so carefully choosing his word. He turns to Felix when he doesn’t get a reply. “Is it because of me?”
Heat crawls up Felix’s neck. It feels more intimate somehow, the way he’s saying it. More intimate even than the time they spend in bed together. Or the time they kissed. It’s now the closest they have ever been to talking about this.
Felix nods because it’s laughable that he ever entertained the idea to be able to lie to him.
Hyunjin’s eyes dart around the room and he’s twisting his lips, and it’s as if Felix can see the thoughts running through his head. “I’m sorry,” Hyunjin says in the end, and sounds as if he wanted to say more.
They’ve finished their pudding, both holding the empty cups. Felix keeps his eyes on Hyunjin’s hand holding that cup, because he can’t look at his face, can’t see all those emotions that he’s the cause of. He doesn’t know if he’s relieved or guilty or both that he sees Hyunjin clearly having no easier time than himself with all of this.
Hyunjin's hand is bare now, and it’s such an unfamiliar sight that it pains Felix too. To see the finger empty where the rings have been. The ones they shared. The ones that have meant so much to Felix from the very start. (That should have been his first clue.) Hyunjin was devastated that he lost them, and even apologized to Felix after the concert.
Felix wants nothing more than to reach out and put his own hand on Hyunjin’s, let his own pair of rings rest where Hyunjin’s should be. In the end, Felix just stays still.
“Do you know now?” Hyunjin asks. “What this is?”
(“Are you mad that I don’t know?”
“No. I don’t think I know either. Or maybe I’m too scared to find out.”)
It feels like jumping off a cliff when Felix finally nods and then there is Hyunjin’s hand on Felix’s knee, a light touch, his fingers dancing as if he needs the physical connection even though that’s Felix’s language. Or as if he wants to comfort Felix, but is scared he’s making it worse with his touch. There’s a question he wants to ask, Felix can tell, can then see it once he finally looks at him again and watches Hyunjin open and close his mouth several times, taking in a breath only to stop himself from speaking.
“Are you in love with me?” The question comes in a whisper, words thin and breakable, but his gaze meets Felix’s.
It doesn’t feel like jumping this time, not when he’s already falling. “Yes,” Felix says, his throat tight, but the word comes out steady and sure.
Hyunjin doesn’t say anything back, instead his hand grips Felix’s knee while the answer makes its way through Hyunjin’s whole body, not a muscle of him not in motion and Felix is not sure what it means but Hyunjin’s still there, still clinging, and maybe that’s already enough.
“I’m sorry,” Felix adds because it feels like the right thing to say.
Hyunjin shakes his head. “No, no sorry.” He reaches for Felix’s hand and holds it in both of his, pressing it close to his chest. There’s still a storm raging inside him and Felix can’t do anything but sit there and ride it out with him.
Relief doesn’t come, not really. The confession didn’t free anything that was trapped before, Felix realizes, because he has loved Hyunjin far longer than he had known, and realizing it had changed everything. The confession now is just a simple formality.
Felix leans his head against Hyunjin’s shoulder, sighing as he does it. He’s missed him so much that something is loosening in his chest now that he’s touching him again. He’s calm now, calmer than he’s been in weeks.
Hyunjin leans his own head against Felix’s and they stay like that, in the darkness of the dorm kitchen, and Hyunjin keeps holding Felix’s hand and that’s all that exists, all that matters for a long time.
“Come sleep in my room tonight,” Hyunjin proposes, minutes or hours later, a crack in his voice.
“Okay,” Felix replies much too quickly, and they both sit up and look at each other; a small, careful smile on their faces that makes Felix’s heart flutter. “Okay.”
They get off the floor and discard the yogurt containers and clean the spoons and Felix tells Hyunjin that he’s just going to let Chan know before he comes looking for him.
Chan sits as if he hasn’t moved at all, but this time he removes his headphones when he notices Felix.
“I’m going to sleep in Hyunjin’s room,” Felix says, nervously tipping his fingers against his hipbone, and he feels a blush rising in his cheeks, suddenly aware of all the implications.
Chan looks at him and there’s concern in his eyes. “Are you sure?” he asks, and Felix ducks his head so he can avoid that gaze.
“I- yeah. It’s just- we’re just sleeping.” The tips of his ears heat up. He has never had the experience with his own father, but he imagines that this is what it feels like when your parent questions your intentions before they agree to a sleepover.
There’s so much concern and so much fondness on Chan’s face, battling for dominance. “Promise me you’ll be careful, okay? I mean, with each other? With each other’s hearts?” A small smile crosses his lips. “You’re both so sensitive people, I wish I could protect you from the world, man.”
Felix laughs, a little shakily after Chan put so many emotions in so few words. “I know. I know you try.”
Hyunjin is already tucked in the bed when Felix enters, and he pulls the cover up in invitation, a shy smile on his lips. Felix slips in next to him but they don’t cuddle up to each other like Felix usually does, instead, they face each other in the almost darkness of the room.
Felix can still see Hyunjin’s face and watch him study his. Breathless, with a tension that wasn’t there before.
Then Hyunjin smiles and breaks out in a giggle. “Why am I so nervous?” he laughs, rolling his eyes at himself, and Felix can’t help but smile too, even if his nerves flutter in his chest again.
“Is this okay?” Hyunjin scoots closer, gently pushing Felix flat on his back and pressing his face against Felix’s neck, his knee bumping against Felix's. This way they’re not looking at each other and it’s less intense somehow, but more intimate.
“Of course,” Felix replies, still searching in his heart if it is. If there’s a version of himself that can wake up after a night like this and go back to the before if that’s what Hyunjin wants.
“Minho says I am scared,” Hyunjin whispers into Felix's thoughts, the puffs of his breath tickling Felix’s skin. “He knows.”
He knows what? Felix wants to ask. About what I feel for you? About what you feel for me? “I think everyone knows by now,” he replies with a chuckle.
“We’re not good liars,” Hyunjin laughs lightly, one more thing that Felix loves about him.
“What are you scared of?” Felix asks, half hoping he can put into words what Felix is struggling to name. He has his arm around Hyunjin and his hand playing lightly with his hair.
There’s enough to be scared about, certainly. But most of it they knew going in. That hiding is part of the deal. The contract calls it privacy and hides it under morality clauses, and they all knew that when they signed the dotted line. Felix never suspected it to be a problem, his head full of so many worries that love ranked so low on his list. But this, Hyunjin, is a set of new fears. Because whatever happens, Felix can’t lose him. Nothing in this world is worth that.
“I think I am scared,” Hyunjin whispers, not really answering the question.
“I am scared, too.” Hyunjin finds Felix’s other hand, wordlessly linking their fingers together, listening. “You’ve always matched so well with the others,” Felix explains in a low voice as if it’s a secret he kept for so long he's not sure what will happen if he shares it now. “You fit in so easily from the beginning and I was always wondering how I could match with you.” He stops, his next words coming out rough. “I was scared that it would be like this.”
Hyunjin draws his brows together, and Felix can feel it. “You don’t want to love me?” he asks and how can he say the words as if they’re not the most dangerous in the world? As if they’re so simple?
“I never wanted to give you a reason not to like me. And I’m-,” Felix takes a deep breath. “I’m scared of how much I want to love you now that I do.”
Hyunjin lets go of his hand and tucks a strand of hair behind Felix’s ear, the touch so delicate, so careful. Felix shifts until he’s able to look Hyunjin in the face, into those piercing eyes, softer now but still seeing past every single one of Felix’s guards.
“I think-“ Hyunjin starts, his tongue spelling out the English words with effort. “I think that is my fear too.”
H Y U N J I N
Hyunjin wakes the first time when it’s still dark out. They must not have been sleeping long, he’s still curled around Felix, one arm around his chest, Felix’s slow breaths like caresses across his forehead. It’s his injured hand that woke him, so he moves as carefully as he can to free his arm from under him, but once he’s comfortable again, Felix is looking back at him.
“You’re still here,” he whispers, astounded as if he expected to wake up and see Hyunjin gone, or maybe he thought it would have been a dream and he would wake up next to Chan or alone in his dorm.
A smile tugs at Hyunjin’s lips. “It’s my bed.”
Felix doesn’t smile back, still looking like that, like Hyunjin is a mirage, and Hyunjin can feel that gaze like a caress too.
He doesn’t know when he made the decision. To stay. To try. To figure out whatever this is between them. He thinks that it might have been back in the kitchen when Felix had offered him yogurt. Or maybe in Paris, when he’d told him he wanted to kiss him. Or maybe it was before that, in New York on that rooftop when they’d dreamed about being someone else, and still dreamed to be together. Or maybe it was all those months ago on that sofa after filming their 2 Kids Room episode, when Felix had come up to him to ask if they were okay, and he’d been so nervous when all Hyunjin was feeling was the awe and the warmth of being loved by someone like him.
“Of course, I am still here,” Hyunjin says in English, and he finds that he means it, that at least for tonight, there’s not a single doubt.
It’s not a conscious decision when he moves, but he’s slow, not breaking Felix’s gaze until he’s so close that both their eyes flutter shut. His heart hammers in his chest, his whole body on edge, and Hyunjin feels bold, reckless even. And like he's never wanted anything more than this. Felix's hand comes up to cup Hyunjin’s cheek. And then Hyunjin presses his lips to Felix’s again. It’s slow at first, agonizingly soft as if the first time could be excused but now the second would make a difference, would shatter something in the universe.
But the world doesn’t burst, and Hyunjin presses closer, opens his mouth to Felix’s tongue, and swallows that low moan that either comes from him or from Felix, he’s not sure and it doesn’t matter.
They’re sober this time, or at least not drunk on anything but this night and each other, but it’s the same feeling as in Paris, a surge of something, a burn that doesn’t hurt, instead makes him feel alive. Like when he’s dancing. Or painting.
The second time he wakes, he’s alone in the bed, and voices filter through to him. It’s Minho and Changbin, shouting at each other like they often do when they’re in a good mood and have too much energy to spend. It’s light out and likely not even morning anymore.
Hyunjin stumbles into the kitchen, spotting them all around the table. Felix is there too, and he looks up at Hyunjin, his smile shy but his whole face relaxed and happy and Hyunjin realizes how little he has seen him like that lately. Hyunjin answers that smile in kind, a little nervous still.
“Oh, look who finally woke up,” Minho shouts over to him, and Hyunjin ducks and covers his ears, joking more than being serious.
“Why is he here?” he complains.
“He brought me breakfast!” Jisung declares next to Hyunjin, removing various containers from an impressive amount of plastic bags. He smirks. “Boyfriend privileges.”
“Ah, Sungie!” Minho shouts across the room. “I brought it for everyone and it’s lunch. You have to share.”
“Why are we-,” Hyunjin starts, confused, just as Chan emerges from the corridor, still toweling his hair. “Seungminnie and Innie should be here any minute. They had an early schedule, remember?.”
Jisung slaps Hyunjin’s backside before Chan has even finished. “Come on, help me with the food.”
Hyunjin is not awake enough yet to refuse, so he just goes with it, reaching into the nearest bag and taking out the container. They work in silence for a moment, falling into an easy rhythm. Hyunjin feels Felix’s eyes following him and for the first time in months, it feels nice. Feels safe.
“Lix slept in your room last night?” Jisung asks, his voice tipped lower.
Hyunjin freezes for a moment, just a pause before he continues. “Hm.”
“Is that-,” Jisung stops himself and it’s almost funny to see how he tries to ask the question, trying so hard not to use any words that might scare Hyunjin away. “Is that going to happen more often now?”
The blush is instant, Hyunjin’s ears burning as he ducks away from Jisung’s gaze. “Yeah,” he says, “I think so.” He dares to look at Jisung then, watching for his reaction. It's not that expects anything bad, but he's still guarded, still careful.
Jisung beams. “Good,” he says. “That’s really - I am happy for you.”
Hyunjin wants to thank him, or apologize for keeping all of this a secret for so long, but he doesn’t get to it when the front door suddenly opens, and the two youngest walk in, peeling out of their jackets.
“I’m so hungry!” Seungmin exclaims, halfway through the kitchen before saying hello to anyone.
It doesn’t take long after that, to have all the food plated and on the table, cups and glasses and cutlery distributed between all of them, and everyone finding someplace to sit and wolf down the meal before getting ready for the next schedule.
Hyunjin is the last to sit. There’s a spot next to Felix, one that’s been suspiciously empty the whole time, and another next to Changbin, because Chan, Jeongin, Minho, and Jisung all eat standing up, Jisung leaning against Minho.
“Hyunjinnie, please sit down,” Changbin scolds him for the second time.
It’s as if the whole room is holding its breath, watching Hyunjin come to a decision.
It’s easy in the end. It takes one step, one more jump, but as soon as Hyunjin is walking, his nerves settle, and his heartbeat slows to an almost normal pace. He pushes the empty chair closer to Felix, and then he sits down. He places the bowl on the table and his water bottle, reaching for the chopsticks with one hand. His other hand reaches for Felix.
Hyunjin has his gaze on the food, not yet brave enough to face the room, but Felix makes a sound, a joyful one, something between a laugh and a sob, and he looks over to him, watches that blinding smile spread across his face and he knows without a doubt that he made the right decision. Hyunjin tries a small, nervous smile.
Felix doesn’t say anything, but he takes Hyunjin’s hand in his, placing it on his knee, gently pressing down.
“Oh,” someone says, Jeongin probably, or Seungmin.
“Your food is getting cold,” Minho scolds, but Hyunjin doesn’t know who, has yet to look at anyone else.
Then Changbin gets up from his seat and walks around the table. Hyunjin has no time to brace himself before he feels his hyung’s hand on his neck, sees Changbin doing the same to Felix, and then Changbin kisses them both on the top of their heads, first Felix then Hyunjin, a long, lingering kiss, that tells Hyunjin more than any words of support ever could.
“Guys, finish your food, we’re gonna get picked up soon,” Chan says, and his voice has a suspicious crack to it.
Hyunjin looks up at his leader, their eyes meeting across the room, and he watches him smile back.
“Hyunjinnie,” Jisung starts, waiting until he has Hyunjin’s full attention. “You can exhale now.”
Hyunjin’s hand clasps around Felix’s, and Felix squeezes back, already a steady rock to his rough sea. He swallows hard, fighting against the tears.
“Wait,” Felix starts. “Isn’t that a movie quote?”
Jisung shrugs, grinning, leaning back into Minho, and the tension in the room evaporates, leaving nothing but a familiar, comfortable warmth. “Yeah, but you have no idea how long I’ve been waiting to say that to him.”