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Summary:

In a world where soulmates can hear the music their other half is listening to, Loki grew up bitter yet hopeful to get any indication that he might have a soulmate. But things take an interesting turn when he finds out his soulmate is a Midgardian. How easy would it be to find you amongst eight billion people on a planet he attacked and failed to conquer? Maybe easier than Loki had thought.

(An AU where Loki lived and fought Thanos with the Avengers, emerging victorious. New Asgard was set up on Earth and Loki works with the Avengers to repent for his crimes)

Notes:

Hello there! I finally decided to start writing the reader-insert Loki fics that plague my brain, haha. I don't know if people are even reading Loki x reader fics these days but here we are.

I'm obsessed with listening to Crush Culture so this is kind of inspired from that, would 10/10 recommend listening to this song while reading the fic.

This is my first fic in this fandom and my first time writing Loki so any feedback would be appreciated, just please be kind :)

Enjoy!

Chapter 1

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text

Loki let out a sigh. He wanted to smash his head against a wall.

Norns, not that song again.

Every day Loki woke up and cherished the fact that he had a soulmate. In a world where soulmates can hear the music their counterparts are listening to, any indication of music in his head filled him with warmth. It served as a reminder that there was someone out there who belonged to him. Someone who would just click with him. Someone whose eyes would sparkle when they caught sight of him, whose words towards him wouldn’t be filled with scorn or hatred. A person who would at the very least attempt to understand him. It was a reassurance that kept him going most days.

It hadn’t always been the case. As a child, both he and Thor had been impatient, waiting for the faintest hint of music from their soulmate. While his brother had taken to blasting different sorts of tunes at all times of the day in hopes of annoying his soulmate into confirming their presence, Loki had silently observed. Alright, maybe he had learnt to play a musical instrument or two but his approach hadn’t been as haywire and rogue as Thor’s. But neither technique yielded any results.

Of course, not everyone had soulmates. Even from a young age, Loki knew that his mother and father weren’t soulmates. Their soulmates didn’t exist but they both loved each other dearly. Nevertheless, it was quite common to have a soulmate. So Thor and Loki would let Frigga tell them tales of soulmates and soul bonds as they fell asleep, clutching to the hopes that their soulmates were somewhere out there, just maybe not born into the universe as of yet. They were immortal princes who just needed to have a little patience.

As the years passed Loki thought Thor all but forgot about the fantasy of having a soulmate. He became busy with his training and sparring, filling his life with friends and ‘epic’ battles. Thor seemed to have a new dream, of ridding the realms of Asgard’s enemies and serving his home. Loki on the other hand couldn’t get the idea of having a soulmate out of his head. It was ever-present, an undercurrent running through his veins as the years passed. It made him jealous and bitter, to be waiting for someone he didn’t know even existed. Loki tried to pretend they didn’t exist. He spent his time in the arms of countless lovers but a sliver of what if always haunted him. It didn’t help that unlike Thor he didn’t have friends. People thought he was strange, his pranks and dark humour were lost on everyone around him. And he learnt to live with that too. With being in Thor’s shadow.

Loki didn’t hate his brother, he simply wished to be Thor’s equal. To be fair to Thor, that oaf loved him like a true brother and treated him like he always had. In fact, Loki was the first one Thor came running to with his big news. He had heard a tune in his head, something that he had spent a good couple of seconds trying to find the source of before realising it was coming from his soulmate. Loki wanted to be happy for Thor, but looking at his beaming face and shining bright eyes, he felt his heart fill with resentment. Thor was already the golden boy of the family. Everyone on Asgard loved him and he had loyal friends who were ready to die for him. He already had everything, and now a soulmate. Did Loki not deserve the tiniest bit of hope? A flicker of light in his dark life?

Loki didn’t remember what he said to Thor, probably something about his soulmate being a fragile Midgardian who had just been born and would die as soon as that. Thor’s face had fallen and he had simply stalked off. Their relationship had never been the same after that. Loki had just withdrawn even further, choosing to sulk at his life and observe everything passively.

He gave up on the dream of having a soulmate then, he couldn’t bear to be weakened by that diminishing hope every day. He couldn’t take any more pain and false promises. He decided he could be like Thor. He was equally skilled at ruling. He could prove to his family, to Asgard that he wasn’t any less than his brother. Loki belonged on the throne.

A few years passed before it happened. Loki remembered exactly where he was, riding on horseback, rather flying through the wind. He heard the ghost of a tune, something plaintive and non-lyrical and he immediately pulled at the reins, bringing his stead to a halt. Was that the wind whistling in his ears or something else?

Thor pulled up beside him and his friends slowed down as well.

“What is it, brother?” Thor asked, furrowing his brow to understand the expression on Loki’s face.

“Tired already, silvertongue”, Fandral laughed mockingly.

But Loki tuned them out, straining to catch that tune. And there it was again, plain as day. It sounded like someone humming a song they had heard. Loki turned his head around, scanning his surroundings to make sure that there wasn’t any other source of that sound.

Thor being his brother, recognised the mixture of disbelief and slowly creeping hope on his face. His face lit up like the bifrost and he grabbed Loki’s arm.

“Do you hear something, brother?”

And Loki could only nod slowly as a smile spread across his face.

“It’s a tune”, he mumbled, and Thor whooped in delight, crushing Loki in his arms.

“You have a soulmate!”

I have a soulmate Loki had agreed. The tiny spark that had been dwelling deep in his heart, unbeknownst to him, flickered brighter at the thought. His soulmate.

 

*

 

Loki knew his soulmate wasn’t Asgardian. As time passed he heard many songs and tunes from his soulmate but they were in a language he didn’t recognise. It wasn’t even AllSpeak, which Thor had said the Midgardians referred to as English on their planet. Because that’s what his soulmate’s music was in. Loki wanted to upturn the entire library and learn all the languages of the Nine Realms to find out where his soulmate was. But each realm had multiple languages and then further regional variations of each language so this would be an impossible task. And so Loki resigned to being patient. A few years passed before he heard a mix of AllSpeak in the music his soulmate listened to. Thor was overjoyed that both their soulmates were Midgardian. Loki maybe not so much. Some part of him hadn’t been lying to Thor when he had told his brother that Midgardians would make for terrible soulmates due to their frailty and short lifespan. Loki hated knowing that his soulmate might be easily injured or just die before he even got to meet them. In the best-case scenario, he would be granted a couple of decades with them and then what? An eternity of pain and anguish.

Nevertheless, he went to sleep every night and woke up treasuring the fact that his soulmate existed somewhere on Midgard.

 

*

 

When the Mad Titan made Midgard his target Loki’s stomach had churned. His soulmate, he had come to know, loved music. As time passed their inclination to consume all sorts of music simply grew and grew to the point that at least half of his days were filled with musical soundtracks. It was a welcome change to his self-loathing, Odin’s harsh words and especially the voice of the mad titan. Loki could understand most of what his soulmate was listening to. They had excellent taste in a range of musical genres and he could never predict what they would pick up. There were times that the language became unintelligible to him but Loki presumed that his soulmate was simply bilingual or multilingual and English hadn’t been their first language to begin with.

Knowing all this, he still had no choice but to follow Thanos’ orders. Every moment he simply prayed that destiny wouldn’t be cruel enough to put his soulmate in the middle of New York, where his attempt at annihilation was taking place. And maybe, just maybe, once he was to rule Midgard it might become easier to find his evasive soulmate.

But it all ended in failure and a cell in the dungeons of Asgard. And it was as if Loki’s soulmate understood that he needed the steady flow of music to keep him company throughout, even after his mother’s death. He could feel his soulmate’s music in his head as he fought the mad titan alongside the Avengers, as they emerged from a gruelling battle, victorious.

All this while Loki had himself tried not to let his soulmate know about his musical preferences. Initially, he hadn’t wanted a Midgardian to be confused by the existence of Asgardian music, although he had let some tunes slip in during the early days, hoping that a mere child wouldn’t be able to track them back to a fictional Asgard. And then after the battle of New York, the last thing Loki needed was for his soulmate to know that he was an Asgardian, and quite possibly the monster who had attacked their world.

But then things started settling down in New Asgard and Loki was relocated to the Avengers Tower to work with the Midgardian team under observation. It wasn’t that bad. His reputation was beginning to heal, the Avengers PR team was making sure of that and as each day passed the Avengers in the tower seemed less and less weary of his presence. The other day the archer managed to pass him the salt at the dinner table without a murderous glare which Loki counted as a win. So maybe now that he had no glorious purpose, now that people didn’t completely see him as a monster, he could begin his search for his soulmate.

Thor had been lucky enough to practically crash into his soulmate Jane when he first came to Midgard. But then that was Thor. Everything came easy to him.

And it wasn’t that there was a lack of musical hints from his soulmate (they were constantly listening to music as if their life depended on it), it was just that Loki had no idea where to start. Some days he wanted to find his soulmate and court them but other days, like today, he wanted to find them and yell at them to stop.

Loki was quite experienced with his magic, to a great extent he could dim the music in his head, but somebody needed to tell his soulmate to stop listening to music at all hours of the day. If Loki showed up sleepless for a mission Thor knew it was because his soulmate had been playing music throughout the night. It was beginning to grate his nerves. What was even worse was that if his soulmate liked a song they often played it on repeat. Nonstop until they got bored of it and switched to another song. Those were the days Loki wished that the soulbond could just be shut off. Just for a while.

Loki was aware that his soulmate was lonely, and often sad if not downright depressed. He could tell by their music taste and the lyrics of the songs he could understand. Part of him knew that music might be a way for them to keep their darker thoughts at bay. And he sympathized with that. Loki wanted nothing more than to let them know that he was there, to wrap his arms around them and drive away all their problems and fears. Those were the days he would hum a nondescript tune or ask Jarvis to play a comforting Midgardian song. The last thing he wanted was for his soulmate to think he didn’t exist.

But then there were days like today when Loki couldn’t keep his frustration at bay. His soulmate had yet again started playing that song they were currently obsessed with and he could only hope that they wouldn’t loop it again.

He let out a sigh which made the others in the elevator turn to look at him. Thor took one look at Loki and already knew what was up. He gave him a sympathetic pat on the shoulder. But Wanda and Natasha simply stared at him questioningly.

“It’s my soulmate”, Loki grumbled.

“They keep playing this song.”

Natasha’s eyebrows arched high. “You have a soulmate?”

He gave her a glare as if to say what about it.

“How does the song go?” Wanda asked. Loki looked at her and saw only innocent curiosity shining in the witch’s eyes. Ah well, it wouldn’t hurt to give out that information.

Loki turned his attention back to the song even though the lyrics were practically ingrained in his head.

“It goes like -

Crush culture makes me wanna spill my guts out, I know what you’re doing, trynna get me to pursue you.

The song usually made Loki’s heart twinge, the singer was literally telling him to let them be sad and lonely, but having heard it a hundred times Loki just wanted to let Thor smash Mijolnir over his head.

Natasha and Wanda looked at him appraisingly as if trying to tell whether they had heard the song but ended up shaking their heads.

“Definitely sounds like your soulmate is from around here”, Wanda said, trying to help out.

“I know that”, Loki grunted.

Thor changed the topic, getting Natasha and Wanda to comment on what might be the best flavour of Poptarts, and Loki was grateful for the distraction. The elevator opened and let them out on the floor Natasha and Wanda were staying. Thor and Loki followed the ladies because they insisted that the Asgardians should meet the new recruit who has an interesting set of powers. Thor was only too happy to oblige and Loki ran a hand through his hair exasperatedly before following them out.

The group made its way towards the common area which seemed to be occupied by someone singing quietly to themselves. The song almost made Loki trip over his own feet.

 

“Crush culture makes me wanna spill my guts out,

I know what you’re doing trynna get me to pursue you.

Crush culture makes me wanna spill my guts out.

Spill my guts out. Spill my guts out.”

 

Loki’s heart thudded against his chest as he rounded the corner to find you in the common kitchen, warming something over the stove. You looked up when you heard the group of Avengers walk over and your cheeks flushed bright pink as you realised they heard you singing. It wasn’t just in Loki’s head, Natasha, Wanda and Thor all stopped mid-conversation as they realised what you had been singing. Surely, it could be a coincidence. But Loki couldn’t take his eyes off you as your fingers brushed your hair away from your face and plucked something out of your ears. The music in Loki’s head ceased. His heart came to a stop.

“Hi”, you smiled at them, waving shyly before thinking better of it and letting your arm drop. Precious thing, you had no idea what was going on.

Thank Norns Thor had the tiniest amount of intelligence left to not yell out that you might be his soulmate. Instead, he greeted you cheerily, his voice loud and booming. Loki smiled at how it made you jump the tiniest bit before your smile grew bigger and you introduced yourself. And then your eyes fell on him.

“You must be Loki, right?”

And he nodded, taking a few seconds to find his words.

“It’s a pleasure to meet you.”

You let out a chuckle and your smile grew brighter if that was even possible.

“It’s not every day I get to meet two gods so the pleasure is all mine.”

A smirk played on his lips and Loki decided that he liked you. He found himself wanting to make you laugh even louder, to see your eyes crinkle with amusement. You turned to talk to the ladies and Loki forced himself to look away from you. Thor was right by his side, an overjoyed expression on his face. He was practically a child bouncing up and down. Loki gave him a murderous glare, before turning his attention back to you.

You explained that you were just making some hot chocolate for yourself and then insisted on making some for all of them. Before Loki knew it he was settled with the rest of the team on the couches, a mug of some hot and creamy liquid cradled in his hands as you went on talking about the wonders of this hot chocolate. He found that he could sit here listening to your voice all day.

So you were his mysterious soulmate. Part of him still refused to believe it. Refused to believe that it would be that easy. He had set his eyes on you mere minutes ago but an unknown force tugged him towards you. And maybe that went both ways because Loki found your eyes travelling back to him the entire evening.

Notes:

No I'm not evil, this is a two-part fic and the second chapter will be from your POV, so stay tuned.

Also, I wrote AllSpeak as being the English language, which feels a bit unfair and not as fun that Asgardians can understand any and every language in the universe.

Kudos and comments keep me going :)

Chapter 2

Notes:

Psyche! I know this was supposed to be a two-chapter thing but the words just seem to be flowing so I guess it's three chapters now. Thank you for sticking around.

Oh and the reader is an overthinker with some general anxiety so if you might get triggered by that please go into this knowing that and take care <3

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

Stay calm, stay calm, stay calm you told yourself.

Nobody told you that being in the team of Avengers would include a lot of that. At least initially. The first time you met Tony Stark you had barely said a word. It was all so overwhelming and new. You didn’t think what you could do really classified as a superpower, or at least one that could be of use to the Avengers.

But everyone who had met you seemed impressed. Tony went on and on and most of it had gone over your head. He might have gotten a hint for he calmed down after a while and assured you that you had a choice here. Nothing was being forced on you. And you didn’t take the decision on the spot. You mulled over it and decided that if there was any chance your so-called powers could be used to help anyone you were in.

And life hadn’t slowed down since then, it was just one thing after another. First, you moved into the tower (which your parents weren’t exactly thrilled with), on the same floor as Natasha and Wanda. You were such a mess the first time you met them, stumbling through your words shyly. These were the real heroes, the ones who had protected Earth countless times, and would continue to do so. Was there really any chance you would be of any help to them?

But Natasha and Wanda turned out to be friendlier than you expected. They made it easy for you to adjust to things around you. Nothing was rushed, hell your training didn’t even begin until the second week. A whole week was spent moving, adjusting to the lifestyle of the tower and just finding your way around. It helped you get used to running into Captain America at the coffee station on the ground floor or just casually stumbling upon a half-awake Dr. Banner who seemed to spend most of his time in the lab. Most of the team was friendly enough but they kept to themselves which suited you just fine. You knew they were busy with their own things and so were you. Your college classes had shifted online and between that and beginning to learn how to become an Avenger you were busy enough. Wanda or Natasha would pop in once in a while to check on you or just ask you to join them for a meal or something and that was company enough. Even though Natasha said she was going easy with your basic defence training, considering you didn’t have any supernatural strength or something you were just deadbeat by the end of the night.

Whenever it got too overwhelming or confusing to think about everything that was going on you leaned on music. Your brain was a mess of countless thoughts and questions that never ceased but music helped you switch that part off. You almost always had your airpods in your ears. It was nice to have a constant soundtrack to your life as if you were in a movie. You had a playlist for everything. A song for whatever the mood or the scene.

Sometimes you wondered if your soulmate was sick of music altogether thanks to you. It would explain why they didn’t listen to much music themselves. You seemed to be doing that job for both of you. It was the one thing you didn’t let yourself be guilty about. In a world that often seemed designed to make you break, there were few things more reliable than music. Life always felt hard for you since your brain wanted to take every single thing personally and overthink every thought until it left you exhausted.

When you moved to this country to pursue your further studies it meant new people, new places, and a new culture. You had already been an introvert and making sense of a place where you could relate to very few of your peers just made it harder. You were still in touch with your friends from home but they weren’t here. It wasn’t the same. No matter what you did, loneliness would always come creeping in at all hours of the day. And you knew if you gave in to that whirlpool of emotions it would just suck you right in. So you drowned it in music. Sometimes you journalled or painted through the night or maybe just went to the gym but music was a constant throughout, to help you get through everything. And even when there were days when you needed to succumb to your feelings, to let it all out, it helped to have some mellow music playing in the background. To hear the thousands of sad songs and know that you weren’t ever alone in feeling the way you did, even though it seemed like it some days.

Anyway, so far things were going fine. You were dreading the day you needed to take a mental health day in the tower. What would you tell the Avengers? What if you had a public meltdown? But no, that was just your brain deciding to go through the worst-case scenario. You shook your head, trying to shake it off and concentrate on the task at hand. The weekend was coming up and you were mostly on top of your work. It seemed as good a time as any to make some hot chocolate and read that book you’d been meaning to get to. You hummed to yourself as you stirred the cocoa into the milk. You liked the peacefulness that came with cooking or even making something as simple as hot chocolate. You couldn’t stop the small smile forming on your face and the way your body was swaying with the music. You did a quick check around and started singing along, your voice ringing quietly in the empty kitchen.

“Crush culture makes me wanna spill my guts out,

I know what you’re doing trynna get me to pursue you.”

You loved this singer, he seemed to speak out to you, bringing your own thoughts and emotions bubbling to the surface and arranging them into a beautiful song. Listening to it was always accompanied by a twinge of sadness but you were used to that by now.

The sound of footsteps interrupted your thoughts and you immediately look up to see some of the Avengers walking into the kitchen. Oh shit. Your voice dies in your throat and you feel yourself flushing with embarrassment. You knew you didn’t have a terrible voice but it was in no way good enough to be singing in public amongst the Avengers. You quickly hit pause on the music and pop out your airpods before waving at the group. Oh gosh, what were you a child? Who waved?

Then you realised you were standing in front of freaking Thor. He was so enthusiastic even though the moment he said hello, his big booming voice made you jump. It’s alright, he’s just excited to meet me you told yourself, tucking your hair behind your ear. Thor just seemed so big and powerful in real life. He radiated some kind of godly energy - holy shit you were shaking hands with a god. You could only hope that you didn’t come off as a meek mouse or something.

You did your best to smile and introduce yourself and that’s when your eyes fell on him. Loki. You’d seen him on television, back in the New York battle and more recently when he was in New Asgard and going on missions with the other Avengers. Honestly, the camera didn’t seem to be doing any justice to the gods. Loki was even more striking in person with pale skin that made you think he was made out of smooth marble, what with his chiselled features. Ink-black hair hung loosely around his angular face, shaping his features. And his eyes were a clear emerald colour that seemed to be bearing right through your soul. He was a piece of art and you really had to make yourself blink to snap out of the gaze he had you locked in.

The last thing you wanted was a reputation for drooling over gods.

“You must be Loki, right?” you said, and though the words took a herculean effort to get out, your voice was steady enough.

Loki nodded before speaking. “It’s a pleasure to meet you.” Even his voice was gentle and velvety, quite opposite from his brother's.

A chuckle built in your throat. Was he serious? Everyone here was just so humble and nice, it made you feel even smaller somehow. But you shook that thought from your head for the time being and flashed a smile. “It’s not every day I get to meet two gods so the pleasure is all mine.”

You could hold a smooth conversation. Nothing to it. You belonged here with the Avengers.

You were more used to chattering away with Natasha and Wanda so the tension in your shoulders eased a bit. This was your new normal, you should get used to it.

And then you remembered the hot chocolate bubbling over and insisted that you make everyone a cup. It wouldn’t take that long and it wasn’t like you minded. Of course, your book would have to wait but maybe it was for the best. You had to keep pushing yourself outside of your comfort zone and actually talk to people rather than retreating to your room like a hermit. And today wasn’t that bad, you didn’t even have that constant headache from all the online classes.

Thor and Loki hadn’t tried hot chocolate before which made you even more determined to go all out. Wanda stuck around to help and soon enough you were all seated in the living area with a warm mug full of hot chocolate. And if you handed Loki one of your favourite green mugs because it sort of matched his eyes nobody needed to know that.

“So, how is it?” you ask, biting your lip as you watch the Asgardians take a sip.

“I wasn’t sure how much sugar you two take so I stuck with the regular amount? I hope that’s fine-” you rambled, but thankfully Thor decided to cut you short.

“I love it!” he declared, going back for another large sip. You stifled your laughter at the foam moustache he was now sporting.

“It’s nice”, Loki agreed quietly, continuing to drink from the mug, although he was much more graceful. His eyes were trained on you and it made a shiver run down your spine for some reason.

“My lady”, Thor spoke, and both you and Loki turned to look at him.

“Natasha was telling us that you have some extraordinary powers.”

You immediately huffed, glaring at Natasha who had a wicked smirk on her face.

“I’ve told you not to exaggerate”, you speak through gritted teeth.

“Well, it’s the truth”, the redhead shrugged. “And Wanda thinks the same, you’re just selling yourself short.”

“Just because it’s not a combat-centric ability doesn’t mean it’s not a powerful one”, Wanda chipped in.

Yeah right, easy for two of the most powerful and capable Avengers to say.

“I must say, I’m quite intrigued now”, Loki said.

You looked at him and sighed. This is exactly why you didn’t like Natasha going on about how great your abilities were. It set up high expectations for something you didn’t even know how to control.

“Well?” Loki raised an eyebrow as if to prompt you.

You shifted on the couch and put your mug down.

“I can see what people are dreaming about. To be more accurate, I can enter their dreams and change them, for the better or the worse.”

Despite the many times you had had to explain your ability to others you hadn’t really gotten better at it. But it wasn’t like there was a name to it like Captain’s superstrength or Wanda’s telekinesis. You hadn’t known what you’d been doing for a long time. Whenever you had gone to sleep there’d just been a way for you to exit from whatever dream your brain was dreaming for you and step into other people’s dreams, as long as they were close enough to you.

At first, you had just watched your sibling and parents’ dreams go on. It felt like sneaking into a movie hall to watch something you weren’t supposed to. And then you realised you could change things if you tried enough, even introduce new elements. Maybe you were too mad at your sibling when you discovered just how a dream could be turned into a nightmare.

But anyway, you didn’t see how this was an ability the Avengers could use.

Everyone around you thought otherwise, they believed that you could expand on your powers. You could, as Natasha and Wanda were explaining right now, perhaps learn how to induce dreams even if someone was wide awake. It would be very convenient to make enemies fall into a nightmare as they tried to fight the Avengers. You weren’t sure if you could really do that but you were willing to try whatever everyone asked of you. It was the least you could do.

“I’m more of a dream therapist”, you joked. “At least that’s what Tony’s calling it for the time being.”

“But it seems there’s more to your powers than that”, Loki said. His eyes were sparkling with curiosity and you did your best not to get flustered under his intense gaze.

Another person who thought you could become something more. Your fingers twitched anxiously. You weren’t really sure you could ever do any more than you were already capable of and just the thought of that made your stomach churn with anxiety. You didn’t want the Avengers to realise weeks from now that it had been a terrible idea to invite you into their home, that you weren’t really useful to them in any way.

Loki was still looking at you so you gave him a shrug and a weak smile before steering the conversation in another direction. But for the rest of the evening every time you took a sip of your drink, your eyes strayed towards Loki, only to find him already looking at you.

Notes:

I hope you enjoyed that!
Kudos and comments are my bread and butter :)

Chapter 3

Notes:

God it's been longer than I thought since the last update, sorry if anyone felt like I disappeared. I very much intend on finishing this fic and erm every time I write what I think will be the last chapter the characters are like nope. So maybe the next chapter will be the last one but I'm not promising anything.
Either way, I hope you enjoy :)

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

Being present in the Avengers tower and having your music playing in his head, Loki was able to get a good sense of your schedule in a very short period of time.

You were up in the morning rather early, and you started it with some peppy music as you got ready to go for a swim. Maybe he had been keeping an eye on your floor to find that out but then it wasn’t like he was forbidden from any particular place in the compound. You would make your way to Stark’s fancy pool and emerge after an hour or so. You’d usually be cooped up in your room from then on, doing what Loki wasn’t sure. You emerged for breakfast or a drink once in a while and if Loki happened to be in the living area around that time then nobody commented on it. You’d give him a smile and ask if he wanted whatever tea or coffee you were having.

You liked experimenting, trying some new decoction every now and then. Loki had gotten to know more about Midgardian beverages from you than he ever had before. You told him that you were taking online classes, so maybe that’s what you spent some of your time on.

Later in the evening, you spent training with the Black Widow on your physical abilities and with Wanda on your powers. That information had been casually sprung into the conversation by Wanda one day when she had seen Loki lurking on your floor. She had simply smiled and volunteered the information, knowing Loki wouldn’t ever have directly asked your whereabouts. He was already not happy with the fact that three other people in the tower knew about his soulmate and kept nudging him to do something about the situation.

When Loki had thought about meeting his soulmate he had thought he would introduce himself and charm the other person. Court them the proper Asgardian way. But now he wanted to wait. He wanted you to like him for being him, rather than agreeing to being with him simply because he was your soulmate. Because Loki had realised you were a kind soul who often put others’ needs in front of their own. He had watched your tea get cold as you explained how a smartphone worked to an increasingly confused Thor. If anyone happened to come into the kitchen while you were there your hand would automatically go to grab another mug or plate. There were times when Loki had caught you in a conversation and then saw you trying to push down a yawn while wiping the tiredness from your face. He would immediately try taking his leave but you always insisted that you were fine and were enjoying their conversation.

So no, Loki didn’t want their soul bond to be something you immediately accepted so as to not hurt his feelings.

He had waited this long, he could wait some more.

Besides, there was something else about you that was worrying Loki. With every passing day, you seemed more tired and spent. You didn’t sleep most nights, he knew that because he could hear the constant thrum of music in his head. Luckily he didn’t need to sleep as much as Midgardians did but he could only hope that you were finding enough time to sleep during the rest of your day. He knows this was a more recent development, not all his nights had been filled with music earlier. Loki knew that you had classes and training to top that off. Was that what was happening? Were you overexerting yourself?

Because sometimes he got the sense that you didn’t feel like you belonged here.

Loki knew that feeling all too well himself. He had always felt like an outsider in any given room. And even though he was getting along with the rest of the Avengers it didn’t mean that he was one of them. No, he would always be the one who had attacked New York. It was his past and he couldn’t change that. But you were new. Everyone here seemed to love you. They invited you to events and you seemed happy enough to be around them. Loki could tell you genuinely enjoyed spending time with them, whether it was cooking meals with Natasha and Wanda, video gaming with Thor or going over for team movie nights. But he was the god of lies and he could spot the times when your smiles stretched a little too much across your face and how you sighed to yourself when people didn’t seem to be looking. You’d get lost in your own thoughts once in a while, eyebrows scrunching together as you wrung your fingers under the table. Loki couldn’t figure it out.

And then the answer walked right up to him.

It had been a peaceful night for once. You were sleeping, or at least that’s what Loki believed. It was he who couldn’t sleep that night. He felt restlessness creep into his bones as he paced in his room. So naturally he decided to pace in the balcony on your floor. He was glad that you hadn’t ever questioned his constant presence on your floor because despite being the god of trickery and lies he couldn’t imagine what he would say. Loki was lost in his thoughts when the music blasted on, startling him as he looked in your room’s direction. It was around three in the morning. It was quiet all around him, the silence of the night enveloping him as the music grew louder in his head. You were awake. It was evident moments later when you stepped out, barefoot and a shawl wrapped around your frame as it enveloped you. You clutched at it tightly as you padded across the floor, heading towards the balcony. A hand reached out to slide open the door as you stepped into the balcony, your hair obscuring your face from him. You didn’t notice at him first and took a deep, shaky breath, willing the fresh air of the night to calm your nerves. With shaking hands, you tucked your hair behind your ears and it was then that Loki realised something had truly rattled you.

“Are you alright?”

You let out a scream and jumped in the air, your body curling inwards as you spotted Loki. It took you a second to recognise him in the dark but as you did your body slowly relaxed. It’s just Loki you told yourself, even as your hand automatically pressed against your chest to calm your beating heart.

“I apologise, I didn’t mean to scare you”, Loki said, stepping forward so you could see him more clearly.

You plucked the airpods out of your ears and shook your head. The music ceased.

“I-it’s okay. I guess it’s my fault for always having my airpods on.” You let out a weak laugh that trailed off at the end. “I just didn’t think anyone would be out here at this time.”

“I couldn’t sleep”, Loki said, his eyes trained on your face.

Something shifted in your face as the adrenaline of the fear rapidly left, reminding you why you were out here in the first place. What you must look like. Loki had startled you initially but your swirling emotions came back in full swing. Shit. You didn’t want Loki to know you’d been trying to stave off a panic attack. Even the thought of him catching you in the throes of one made your breathing increase as your chest grew tighter.

“Hey.” Loki was right in front of you, calm and composed holding your hands as they trembled slightly. He didn’t say anything. He wasn’t sure what to say or if saying anything would help or make you feel worse. So he stood there, rubbing circles with his thumb into the back of your hands as you clenched your eyes shut and took deep breaths.

You didn’t know how long you’d been standing there by the time your breathing returned to normal. You opened your eyes slowly and he was still there. Right in front of you. His eyes locked with yours and there was no judgment there, just plain concern.

“Sorry”, you whispered automatically and shit you hated that. You hated how you were apologising for something you weren’t supposed to apologise for and how that just invited people to insist you had nothing to be sorry for. Loki was no different. He shook his head, trying to assure you that he didn’t mind. He was there and he was willing to listen if you wanted to talk.

You wouldn’t have said anything else normally. You hated unburdening your thoughts and fears onto others. Especially this. But right now it felt as if the pressure on your chest was increasing by the second and you knew if you didn’t let it out you’d only be inviting more panic attacks and tears.

Loki waited patiently as he saw indecision flicker on your face before you slid your hands from his grasp. There was a sinking feeling in his stomach. He wanted so badly to wipe the tears away from the corner of your eyes, to hold you against his chest, envelop you in his arms and protect you from all your pain. But he wouldn’t push you if you didn’t want to confide in him.

You interlocked your hands and wrung your fingers anxiously before leaning against the railing. Another deep breath and you felt you were ready. You trained your eyes on the city below you though. Maybe if you didn’t look at Loki it wouldn’t feel like you were troubling him with all this.

“I- I’ve had trouble sleeping in the tower.”

Your voice was soft and the wind seemed to greedily snatch your words away, flinging them down to the city. Loki moved closer, resting his arms against the railing as he trained his eyes on you. You seemed to steel yourself before going on.

“It’s not like there’s any lack of comfort here, it’s just that- I - I’m not used to living with other people. Because people have dreams and nightmares and sometimes when I’m asleep and someone’s dreaming near me I can’t walk away.”

You paused but Loki didn’t say anything.

“It’s like sitting in a room where the television is on. I can’t help but listen to what’s on there. I get dragged into it and tonight…” Your voice got even quieter if that was possible. “Nat was having a nightmare.”

None of the Avengers had an easy life. After having witnessed so much hurt, battle and bloodshed Loki couldn’t imagine any of their dreams would be a pleasant place to be. But he had heard especially how rough the black widow’s life had been. Back when he had taken over the archer’s mind he had extracted all the gory details about her life to use them against her. It wouldn’t surprise him if she was enveloped by nightmares every night and oh- he could only imagine what hell you had found yourself in.

“I try not to interfere, but it was just so -” You let out a shudder. “It was so terrible and I tried to make it better. It’s hard to explain how it works but changing someone’s dream requires a sort of connection where I access a person’s fears… their memories… to try and change it into something else.”

You didn’t know how well you were explaining this. You weren’t even sure what upset you more, everything that you’d seen in Nat’s nightmare and memories or the fact you had invaded your friend, your team member’s privacy like that. But you couldn’t help it, you couldn’t stand being in the red room for a second longer so you grasped at anything and everything that would make the scene change, that would turn the nightmare into something more peaceful. And then you’d woken up terrified and ashamed of what you’d witnessed and done. This was why you didn’t sleep in the tower at night. You preferred to keep yourself awake till the sun rose, instead taking naps here and there during the day to avoid this exact situation.

“I can’t imagine what it must be like, but it seems like a terrible place to be in,” Loki said. For all that people called him a silver tongue he wasn’t sure if these were the right words for the occasion. “I’m sorry that you’re not getting the sleep and peace of mind you deserve. If I can be of any help, you only have to ask.”

You looked at him then, eyes glistening with unshed tears. Loki’s breath caught in his throat. You looked so lost, so vulnerable and exposed. Here you were, sharing all your troubles, laying yourself bare to someone like him. It was the kind of trust Loki swore he would rather die than break.

“Could you tell me a story?” you asked, clearing your throat as you blinked back the tears.

“Distract me?”

Loki obliged. That he could. Stories he had centuries of and he was nothing if not an enchanting storyteller, drawing you in with his words and gestures. The hours passed in that balcony and you almost missed the sunrise, enraptured by the adventures of a young Thor and Loki. As you both watched the light splay onto the balcony you excused yourself with a yawn. Something had changed between you two. How could it not? There was an understanding in Loki’s eyes and a fluttering sense of warmth and peace in your chest, even as the tiredness of the night weighed you down.

“I’m going to take a nap”, you said, turning your head away from the god as you stifled a yawn.

“But thank you… for everything.”

You hesitated, searching for the words to express just how grateful you were but none were to be found. Loki gave you a smile, one that you’d never seen on his face before. Soft and gentle, just for you.

“It was my pleasure. If you ever need company or more stories you know where to find me.”

A part of you laughed. Oh god no, you’d never dream of disturbing him with your troubles again. Even though your body ached for the warmth of his hands on yours, for the lovely lilt of his voice to distract you from your woes. Surely, you couldn’t be so arrogant as to demand his presence every night.

“I really do mean it”, Loki says, drawing you out of your thoughts, as if he had gauged exactly what you’d been thinking.

You flushed under his gaze and gave him a warm smile.

“See you later, Loki.”

“I hope you have a restful sleep”, he hummed.

And even though you turned around and walked back to your room you could feel his eyes trained on you the entire way.

 

Notes:

Hope you enjoyed it!
Kudos and comments are my bread and butter :)

Chapter 4

Notes:

Yes, that's right, it's a holiday miracle!

The final chapter is finally here! I'm sorry for the delay, I think I wrote six different endings before finally settling on this one. I hope you enjoy it!

I recommend listening to "Please Don't Go" by Joel Adams, especially for the second half of this chapter ;)

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

After that night, you persisted in sticking to scheduled naps when most if not all the Avengers around you were awake. You might get lucky for a stretch of days if Wanda and Natasha left for a mission but for now, there was no other option but to have a chaotic sleeping schedule. You refused to repeat what had happened that night. However, one good thing did come out of it.

You had a new partner in your nightly wanderings. 

At first, you were afraid Loki was lurking on your floor at night to make sure you were alright, giving up his sleep to make sure you were alright. And that sounded like an insane idea so it didn’t take much for Loki to convince you that gods didn’t require as much sleep as humans do. He liked the freedom the night offered and was often simply reading a book in the lounging area, bored of being stuffed up in his room. And well, what could you say to that?

You certainly didn’t mind the company.

You liked knowing someone was there, on the couch across the kitchen, even though you could only hear the soft sounds of pages turning to confirm that. You liked making some other tea or coffee and presenting it to Loki for his opinion. Maybe it was your personal mission to find his favourite. Caffeine didn’t really help you stay awake anyway, it was more that the act of brewing something and drinking it while reading gave you something to do.

Gradually you shifted to spending entire nights in the lounging area, sprawled across the sofas with Loki. You’d bring out your laptop or your book, or whatever you wish to do. Sometimes even the music didn’t help stave off sleep and in those moments when your eyes refused to stay open and your head drooped against the soft couch, Loki would gently nudge you and suggest a walk.

It had become a nice routine, a domestic one that Loki found he looked forward to every day. Nobody knew about it, it was just a period of time when he could just exist with you, quietly, away from the watchful eyes of the others.

The two of you would stroll on the balcony, you wrapping yourself in a jacket or a shawl in the cold weather as Loki entertained you with stories of his past. He never failed to make you laugh with the antics he and Thor had gotten up to, telling crazy tales one after the other until you were clutching your stomach and wiping tears from your eyes. Loki of course liked nothing more than making you laugh. In the depths of the night when all was quiet, you let yourself loose and smiled in a way that your dimple showed, eyes crinkling and hearty laughter that ripped through the night, even as you made feeble attempts to slap a hand on your mouth. Sometimes he let his magic paint pictures of Asgard, of his past (only the good parts of course). You watched, awestruck and mesmerised and Loki let himself drown in your eyes. He took in every inch of your face, every curve, every mole or freckle. He drank it in, taking pride that he was the only one privy to this side of you.

Some nights there was a restlessness inside of you, so you and Loki would take to the streets - something you’d have never imagined to do. But Loki was a god, an Avenger. You felt safe with him by your side. You felt safe with him because he was Loki. Even if he had none of his titles, he radiated warmth with that smile he seemed to reserve for you. He seemed to see through all your masks and facade, right into your soul. And still, he stayed. Every night. He let you into his life, and shared his thoughts and feelings instead of closing up like he did around others. It was a privilege - your friendship with him. It was something rare and precious, which is why you didn’t want to let your heart jeopardise it.

Somewhere down the line, your heart had decided to go and fall for Loki.

You had always found him attractive, anyone with eyes would. And somehow you’d always felt drawn to him, your eyes roaming to find him in a room, your ears tuned to the sound of his voice. Okay, you’d never stood a chance. But you knew there was no way a literal god would ever want anything to do with you.

That Loki was friends with you, chose to listen to your ramblings and support you through vulnerable times was in itself more than you could have ever asked for.

Besides, Loki had a soulmate.

It had come up somehow in a random conversation. You barely remembered it because it had been early in the morning, around the time the sun had started to rise. Which meant bedtime for you, of course. You’d been half-yawning when the topic came up. Loki had simply smiled, fondness reflected clearly on his face. He had a soulmate, the god had said. It had been a long wait for him, centuries of not knowing, but it was worth it. Some part of your heart had fluttered and died a little at that and your body had responded by letting out the biggest yawn that you hastily covered up. You’d seen Loki laughing as your eyes started to droop.

He insisted on taking you back to your room so that you get a decent amount of sleep and even though you’d wanted to say something to him about his soulmate or ask something maybe, your brain had been shutting down so you complied easily.

So there. It was no use lusting after Loki. Either he had lived out a happy life with his soulmate who was now dead or he had a soulmate currently and didn’t wish to talk about them with you. You respected his privacy, even though the information kind of threw your heart into despair. But in the end, your friendship was too precious to throw away, fuck unrequited feelings and all.

Tonight you had a craving. Something sweet, a tug at your stomach that could simply not be denied. You shut the book you were reading and set it down on the centre table. Loki looked up from his own book and raised an eyebrow.

“I want donuts”, you announced.

“It’s three in the morning.”

“Then I’m going to make some”, you shrugged, getting up on your feet.

“Do you know how to make them?”

“No idea”, you grinned, before sauntering off to the kitchen.

That was how you and Loki found yourself scouring the materials for donuts. Looking up a recipe had been easy enough, whether or not the task would be accomplished was to be seen. You asked Jarvis to put on one of your playlists, humming to yourself as you read through the recipe once again, not wanting to miss out on anything. If Loki minded the music, he’d say something, you told yourself. You’d kept the music low and soft anyway, you two definitely needed to hear each other talk over the music to get anything done in the kitchen.

Loki smiled to himself at the way you gave your full attention to the recipe on your phone, eyebrows scrunched together in concentration. His gaze lingered lower as you bit your lip before reaching for any ingredient. Loki didn’t care whether you wanted to make donuts or a ten-hour curry, he was content in being by your side.

Maybe he had been staring at you for too long though, lost in his thoughts. Because now you were glaring at him and calling out his name.

“You know, you could lend me a hand here?”

“One God of Mischief at your service”, Loki, said, bowing with a flourish. He knew it would make you lose that frown and hold back an amused giggle.

You started him on the glaze for the donuts while you were elbow-deep in the dough. It took a bit of grunt work but you were done before Loki got even halfway through his task, since he had to keep asking you for directions or ingredients. Midgardian food was relatively new for him and of course, a prince wouldn’t know his way around a kitchen anyway.

“There”, you said, tucking a stray hair behind your ear. “All done with the dough, now it needs to proof.”

“Proof?” Loki asked, a quizzical expression on his face, and a chocolate-covered ladle in his hand. The sight was kind of funny and achingly domestic at the same time. No, you refused to let your mind go in that direction.

“It just means that we need to let it rest for a while and then it should just double in size.”

“You people have strange names for everything”, Loki grunted and you couldn’t help but laugh at that.

“You aren’t wrong”, you admitted, leaning over to look at his chocolate mixture.

“Is this supposed to have lumps?” Loki asked.

“Nope. But that’s okay, I think we just need to melt the chocolate a bit more”, you hummed thoughtfully, taking the bowl back to the microwave.

Loki thought it was adorable how you always seemed to be humming to some song or the other without meaning to. It was like your soul was intertwined with music. The way your earrings clicked as you shook your head, the ringing laughter, the tapping of your feet against the floor. Loki had never met someone so wrapped in rhythm and sound that they became the source of it. Or maybe he had just not met you.

You came back with the bowl and sighed in the direction of the dough, staring impatiently at it.

“That’s not going to make time pass, darling.”

“I know”, you sighed, forcing yourself to look away from the dough.

It was then that Loki noticed something smeared on your face and his lips lifted into a smile.

“What?” you frowned, noticing the look on his face.

“You’ve got some dough there —”

Loki’s fingers gently tucked away a piece of hair behind your ear. You almost shivered the way his fingers brushed across your ear. Your brain cells could barely process that before his palm cradled your jaw as his thumb brushed across the side of your face.

“W-what are —”

“Stay still”, he murmured, leaving your heart stuttering in your chest and a familiar sensation as the blood rose to your cheeks. He was almost pressed against you, so close that you could feel his breath on your face, the soft pressure of his thumb on your cheek while his eyes singled you out as the sole point of his universe.

“There”, Loki murmured, bringing his hand away and wiping the sticky dough on a towel. His hands were moving but his eyes were still trained on you. Your face was flushed as you held your breath, left speechless at the sudden proximity between the two of you. Could you see how this was driving Loki insane as well? He wanted to back you up against the counter, cup your face in his hands and kiss you senseless. All he desired was to be close, closer to you. To see your pupils dilate, give him that bashful smile of yours and have you kiss him back with the same passion.

How you could not tell that by simply looking at his face was a miracle.

“Loki”, you whispered. Just the word. Because your brain was short-circuiting and you didn’t know what to say. After all, you weren’t an idiot. Loki’s eyes were still locked with yours, only breaking the stare to lower down to your lips. Against all odds, he wanted what you wanted. How could that be possible?

Loki’s hand reached out, fingers brushing softly against your cheeks before resting at your jaw. “Hmm?”

You wanted to close your eyes and lean into his touch, let out the sigh that was building up in your chest. He was waiting, giving you a choice to make the move. And every part of your soul was being pulled towards him, you were drawn to him like a moth to a flame. But your brain had a different idea.

“What about your soulmate?”

The words seemed to have a life and will of their own and as soon as they popped out of your lips a switch flicked on. Loki had a soulmate. How could you do this? How could he do this?

Unbidden tears collected at the back of your throat and you pressed your lips into a thin line, willing them to stay right there. Loki blinked as if considering your words for a few seconds and you took that time to collect yourself.

“You have a soulmate, and I’d really like to not get in the way”, you mumbled, your eyes cast downwards. Oh no, screw gravity for pulling at your tears which were already threatening to escape. You had to get out of here.

“I should go”, you said, turning away, but a pull at your wrist stopped you short. You jerked, eyes landing on Loki’s hand on your wrist.

“Please”, you said, still not letting yourself look at him. “Let me go.”

And as much as it pained him to let you go, Loki’s grip loosened and he let himself retreat. You needed some space to yourself, he could understand that. He watched you turn your back on him before all but fleeing back to your room. Loki’s heart twisted on itself. He would give you your space but he’d be damned if he let this misunderstanding come between the two of you.

 

*

 

You didn’t go to your room and throw yourself on your bed to cry your heart out into the pillow. It’s what you’d thought you would do. But after the first few tears, you had come to accept the fact that you and Loki would just be friends if that after tonight. The truth was it was easier to believe. A natural course of action. Loki belonged with a god or a goddess. Or someone on his level. Who were you? Nobody. This had probably been a moment of weakness for him, or maybe he had mistaken his fondness for you — because even your self-loathing brain couldn’t deny that Loki liked you — as something else, something more than it was.

So you shed your tears and convinced yourself that what had happened was only right. And after splashing your face with some water you decided that maybe it was a good idea to put on a mindless show and fall asleep to it.

Except there was a scroll sitting in the middle of your bed. Even if it weren’t tied with a green ribbon you would’ve known who it was from. You approached it cautiously, debating whether it was a good idea to read it or not. But of course, your self-destructive tendencies won and you sank into your bed before unravelling the letter.

Darling,

It’s true that I have a soulmate, I told you as much that day. But you didn’t press for details and I selfishly didn’t give any. My soulmate is beautiful and kind, with a smile that can light up any room.

You paused, shaking your head. What was this letter? This was the last thing you needed. But your eyes strayed down and you continued reading.

And while these words could never be enough to describe her, I’m afraid you’ll stop reading if I go on anymore. So I pray that you find it in yourself to keep reading till the end.

When I was younger, all I wanted was a soulmate. The wait was arduous, centuries passed by but my hope was alive. The music that has since accompanied my soulmate’s birth has kept me company through a great many difficult times. When I was young all I wanted was a soulmate but when the possibility became something more definite, all I wanted was for my soulmate to choose me. To accept me out of their own choice and desire rather than the existence of a worldly bond.

So when I found my soulmate singing about crush culture and making hot chocolate, I didn’t tell her. I didn’t tell her that she was my soulmate because I wanted to get to know her. More than that I wanted her to get to know me, not what the other Avengers and the world had told her.

I truly apologise for hiding the truth of it and my feelings from you but I pray that you give me the chance to make it up to you.

Yours,

Loki.

By the time you finished reading the letter, you had a fresh set of tears running down your face. Loki was your soulmate? Your fingers brushed against his name. Yours. You hadn’t realised that you were shaking, that you were so focused on the letter that the building music in your head had escaped your attention.

You knew that song. You loved that song.

 

Now please don’t go

Most nights I hardly sleep when I’m alone

Now please don’t go, oh no

I think of you whenever I’m alone

So please don’t go

 

 

Loki was still in the kitchen, eyes fixed in the direction of your room while the music played in the background.

In the end, there was hardly a decision to be made.

You walked back to the kitchen and saw the way his eyes lit up with hope when you came into sight. You didn’t stop until you were standing right in front of him, a hair’s distance between you two.

“I can’t believe you — I can’t believe you’ve known all along and never breathed a word of it.”

“I could hardly drop it into a conversation”, Loki smirked.

“Oh shut up.” You shoved Loki in the chest before grabbing his sweater and pulling him in for a kiss. His arms found their way around your waist and you were content to punish him by running your hand through his hair and pulling him closer. Loki had a lot of making up to do and he couldn’t be happier about it.

Notes:

Thank you so much for giving this a read!
I would love to hear your thoughts and it would meant a lot if you could leave some kudos and omments below <3