Chapter Text
Under the Willow
Chapter 1
Hey Jude
“Come again?” Cas said.
Eleanor chuckled and sighed. “Why don’t we come in where it’s warm and I can explain everything to you both.”
Dean’s brain seemed to come back online at that. “Oh, yes. I’m so sorry, please come in.” He stammered.
“Thank you. Come on Emma, it’s ok.” She encouraged the little girl.
Dean and Cas moved out of the doorway as they stepped inside. Emma seemed very shy; she hadn’t said a word while they were standing on the porch.
A thousand questions were running through Castiel’s mind, and he couldn’t imagine what Dean was thinking or feeling. To Cas though, it didn’t matter where this little girl came from, he was determined to love her as his own. It was obvious that she was from before they started dating and Dean had admitted to him that he had a string of one-night stands several years ago. Cas just couldn’t imagine what could have happened for this child to be brought to Dean now. Cas wanted to ask if Dean knew about her, but it was very clear by the hurt expression on his face and how confused he was, that he had no idea this child even existed.
Dean was wracking his brain for who he could’ve had a child with several years ago that wouldn’t have told him. Sure, he had one-night stands, but he always used protection, or they were on the pill. He just couldn’t think straight in that moment.
I’m… I’m a father… holy shit I’m a dad. What is Cas thinking of this? Dean thought as they walked further into the house.
“Why don’t we go sit in the living room?” Cas suggested.
Dean was thankful that Cas seemed a little more pulled together than he was.
“That would be fine.” Eleanor agreed with a pleasant smile. Ellen walked up to Dean and grabbed his arm before he could follow the others.
“Dean, what is going on?” She asked, concern painted her face.
“I – I… Fuck Ellen.” Dean looked at the ground for a moment before taking a deep breath and whispering, “That’s my daughter…” His eyes started to burn as he said that out loud for the first time. Something he never thought he would say.
Ellen’s eyes widened, a stunned look on her face, then she smiled encouragingly and patted him gently on the cheek. “Go do what you need to do. I’ll sneak everyone out.”
“Thanks Ellen. Charlie can stay. Might be good to have a buffer, I don’t know what Cas is thinking.”
“I’m sure he’ll be fine. It’s not like you cheated on him, that child is several years old.” She told him reassuringly.
“Yeah, I know. Maybe Charlie can distract her so we can talk to the CPS lady without scaring her.”
“I’ll tell her.”
Dean nodded and headed into the living room.
“Sorry, we have family over, so I was just asking them to give up some privacy.” Dean apologized as he sat down next to Cas on the couch.
“It’s no problem.” Eleanor assured him.
Eleanor and Emma were sitting on the love seat, the little girl sitting as close to the woman as possible. She had taken her coat off and was wearing black leggings, a sparkly pink skirt, and a black t-shirt with a pink unicorn on it, worn black converse and she was clutching a small stuffed squirrel. Dean cracked a small smile when he saw the stuffed animal, then a memory came flooding back.
He knew who her mother was.
“Mr. Winchester do you know who Emma’s mother was?” She asked.
Was? That couldn’t be good. Cas thought. Dean looked at Cas at the same time he turned to look at Dean, both seeming to have that same question on their minds.
Charlie cautiously came into the living room and said, “I’m sorry but maybe I could take Emma and show her something cool while you talk? I have a really cool game you might like on my computer.” Charlie smiled at Emma. The little girl perked up, nodding, and hopping off the couch to take Charlie’s hand. They headed into the dining room. Charlie smiled at them all and winked as they went.
“That was very kind of your friend. I think it would be best not to discuss this in front of her anyway…” Eleanor took a deep breath, “She’s had a rough past two weeks.”
Hearing that broke both Dean and Castiel’s hearts.
“To Answer your Question Mrs. Visyak, I think I do know who her mother is.” Dean took a steadying breath, Cas’s hand came to rest on his knee, comforting and reassuring. She gestured for him to go on. “I think it was about 5 years ago, I went to a festival a couple towns over one weekend and I met a woman. We instantly clicked and I won her a squirrel at one of the carnival games. A squirrel identical to the one Emma was holding.”
“Do you remember her name?”
“Yeah… It was Lydia. Nether one of us wanted anything serious, we were just having fun. We spent the weekend together before she headed out to basic training.” Dean remembered it fondly; it was a good weekend. “Sammy was pissed when I came back. I didn’t answer him the whole time I was there.” Dean chuckled at the memory. Cas squeezed his knee reassuringly.
“Emma had this picture when she came to us. She knew exactly who you were.” Eleanor held out a photobooth style photo and handed it to Dean. it had 4 pictures of him and Lydia making goofy faces on it. Dean took the photo with a sad smile.
“I never talked to Lydia again after that weekend…” Dean couldn’t bring himself to ask the question he knew he needed too.
Cas somehow read his mind and asked, “What happened to her?”
“She was a pilot in the Air Force… Training exercise gone wrong. Her plane crashed and she didn’t make it out.” Eleanor concluded sadly.
“Fuck. When did that happen?” Dean asked, he felt sad about it but mostly it was for the little girl currently in his house.
“A few days before Christmas. Emma was staying with a friend of her mother’s but spent Christmas in a group home once her mother passed until we found you.” Eleanor reached into the bag she was carrying and pulled out a binder and folder.
“What happens now?” Cas asked.
“I have Lydia’s Will, it specifically states that should anything happen to her, full custody would be granted to Dean Winchester. She had no other family.” Eleanor pulled out several sheets of paper and a pen. “We’ve already done the necessary background checks and if you wish to take full custody and responsibility of her as her father, I will need you to sign these. If not, she will go into the fost- “
Dean stopped her in her tracks. There was no way he wasn’t going to welcome his little girl into his family, this was where she belonged. “Of course I’m taking custody, she’s my daughter!” He said firmly. Even though she hadn’t interacted with him, and he’s only known about her for the last 15 minutes, there was a love and a need to protect her at all costs building inside him.
“We wouldn’t have it any other way.” Cas added.
“That’s great really. I just need you to sign these papers, and Lydia gave her your surname when she was born so you don’t have to go through the hassle of changing her last name if you wanted too. And I will come back in one week to make sure that she has everything she needs and that you are providing a suitable living environment.” She smiled and handed the papers to Dean for him to sign. He read over them and signed them without thought.
“That’s no problem. We will take her shopping tomorrow for everything she needs.” Dean said matter-of-factly.
“I’m afraid I must tell you; she doesn’t have much. She has a small backpack with some clothes in it and that stuffed squirrel. That’s it.” Eleanor said sadly.
“What happened to all her stuff?” Dean asked.
“That’s all she had really. Lydia was a good mother and provided the best she could, but she was a single working mother. They moved around a lot, so Emma hasn’t had much in the way of personal belongings her whole life.”
“Son of a bitch. I wish she would’ve called me. I could’ve helped.” Dean hung his head and pinched the bridge of his nose.
“I must ask, are you two in a relationship?” Eleanor asked cautiously.
Dean and Cas both tensed, unsure of where this was going or how their answer would affect the custody agreement.
“Will our answer affect me keeping my child?” Dean asked somewhat coldly.
Eleanor smirked, “No Mr. Winchester it won’t. We don’t live in the dark ages anymore and the ideal situation is in a loving home with her biological father. It’s just part of making the transition easier if I know who will be in the house with her.”
They both let out a sigh of relief. “Yeah, we are. Engaged actually, for whenever it becomes legal.” Dean tried to smile and looked over at Cas.
Cas nodded and said, “We are a family, Dean and me. And we have a lot of good people around us to help welcome Emma into the family.”
“That’s great. It sounds like you both will have a good support system, that will make the transition easier.” She said cheerfully. “Well, I will be in town for the next week so if you need anything please don’t hesitate to call. Here’s my card.” She reached into her bag and took a card out, handing it to Dean. They got up and walked into the dining room where Charlie and Emma were watching cat videos on her computer.
Eleanor stopped just out of earshot and whispered, “I’ve been doing this a very long time. It’s going to take time for her to adjust. She’s been through a lot, and it was just her and her mother for a long time. Be patient with her. She just needs her father’s love.” She placed her hand on Dean’s arm reassuringly and then turned to Cas. “She needs it from you too. Just because she isn’t blood doesn’t mean she isn’t family. Oh, and I hope you can make it official one day, you two make such a lovely couple.”
“We appreciate that. And I hope she gets used to me. I always wanted to be a father.” Cas admitted with a shy smile.
“I’m sure you both will do great.” She said and then stepped up to Emma and said her goodbyes.
Dean and Cas walked her to the door when she stopped, “Oh I almost forgot! Here.”
She reached back into her bag and pulled out two envelopes and handed them to Dean. One was addressed to Dean while the other read: To Emma on your 16th birthday.
Dean just stared at the clean cursive script on the two envelopes, unable to comprehend what he was holding.
“It was stated in Lydia’s Will that she wrote both of these before her first deployment, this one explains everything.” Eleanor pointed to the one with Dean’s name on it.
“Thanks.” Was all Dean could manage.
“Let me get her backpack and the car seat for you to borrow until you can buy one and I’ll be on my way.” She walked down the steps and over to the small sedan and pulled a pink backpack and a car seat from it.
Dean took the car seat, and she handed the backpack to Cas. They said their goodbyes, thanking her once again. Once Dean shut the front door, he set the car seat down by the closet and sunk to the floor, head in his hands, the envelopes sitting on the floor next to him.
Cas kneeled in front of him. “You ok love?” He placed a loving hand on Dean’s knee.
“Yeah.” Dean rubbed his eyes then looked up at Cas. “Yeah, I’m ok. Just a lot to process.”
Cas nodded, “Let’s go relieve Charlie and see if Emma will talk to you.”
“Good idea.”
Cas stood up and reached a hand down to help Dean up. They started to walk towards the kitchen when Dean stopped Cas. “Hey, what are you thinking of all this.”
Dean had a worried look on his face, he had a hard time reading Cas sometimes and he couldn’t tell if he was angry or not. He needed to know. Cas just chuckled, knowing exactly what Dean was thinking, he was able to read him like an open book.
“Dean you’re a grown man and you had a past before me. If your worried that I’m angry, you would be incorrect.” The tension fell from Dean’s face as Cas spoke, he blew out a breath.
Cas closed the small space between them and wrapped his arms around him. Dean relaxed into his warm and familiar touch; breathing in the scent that was just Cas.
“Now,” Cas said with a crooked smile as he pulled back. “Let’s go meet our daughter.”
Dean couldn’t help but smile at that, feeling all the doubt he had melt away as Cas took his hand and led him into the dining room. Dean put the two envelopes on top of the antique record player that sat in the dining room. He walked over to the table and sat down next to Emma, Cas sat across from them, not wanting to crowd her space and make her nervous.
Dean wasn’t sure what to say, so he said the first thing that came to his mind. “I like your Squirrel you got here. What’s his name?” He was willing to try anything to get her to speak to him.
Charlie stayed sitting on Emma’s other side, she had made friends with her and didn’t want her to feel abandoned if she got up and left. Dean and Cas were both grateful for their friend.
She looked up at him with big green eyes and said in a cute small voice, “Tanks, his name is Mr. Squirrel.” She was soft spoken and gentle. “I had him since I was bornded. Mommy said Daddy won him for her. Tat’s you.” She pointed to Dean.
Dean’s heart felt like it was going to burst. She knew who he was. Lydia had clearly told her about him from her having their pictures and now this stuffed animal. But the one glaring question he had was why she hadn’t told him about Emma and was she ever even planning too. She spoke so well Dean almost couldn’t believe he was talking to a 4-year-old and not a small adult. Aside from a slight lisp, she spoke very clearly.
“When’s your birthday honey?” he asked her, still battling with his emotions and trying to keep his voice steady.
“March 1st, 2006.” She said so nonchalantly.
“That’s coming up soon.” Dean said. She nodded slowly.
“Who’s that?” She whispered as she eyed Cas across the table with curiosity.
That’s Cas. He’s my fiancé and part of the family. he’s going to be another dad to you like me.” Dean tried his best to explain it to her though he was unsure if she was understanding what he said.
She nodded slowly, seeming to be in thought before she said, “My friend from where I lived with mommy had two daddy’s. His name was Jacob and he lived across from me. So, your like them?”
Dean smiled and Cas sighed in relief. Cas had no idea how to explain it either but was glad she already seemed to have a grasp on the concept.
“Exactly like that.” Dean tucked a strand of loose hair behind her ear, then an idea popped into his mind.
“Do you want to go meet the animals? I saw the unicorn on your shirt. We don’t have unicorns, but we have horses.” Dean suggested. He was desperate for her to not look so sad and lonely.
That did the trick. She lit up when he said horses. “Oh yes! I love horsies! Puppies too!” she bounced in her seat, smiling from ear to ear. Cas almost burst into tears, especially after making the mistake of looking up at Charlie who was wiping a tear from her eye.
“Those are mine too. Why don’t you go grab your coat off the couch and we will go check’em out?” Dean smiled brightly at her.
“Ok!” she exclaimed and jumped off the bench seat and ran into the living room.
Dean and Charlie stood up, “What the hell Dean! Why didn’t you tell me you had a kid!” Charlie accused in a stage whipser with a punch to his shoulder. Cas stifled a laugh across the table, he still held Emma’s backpack in one hand but decided to set it on the table for now.
“First of all, ow.” Dean rubbed his shoulder. Charlie may be short, but she packs a punch and knows just how to frog you with one. “Second, I didn’t even know I had a kid!”
Charlie’s face dropped. “Oh… Dean I’m so sorry. What happened?”
“It’s a lot to tell. I’ll tell you about it after she’s asleep tonight.” Dean said tiredly.
“Yeah, good idea. I’ll go up to Sam’s to let everyone know everything is ok.”
“Thanks, I appreciate that. I don’t want to freak her out by introducing her to everyone on her first day so tell them they can meet her tomorrow maybe.” He suggested.
“You got it boss!” Charlie declared right as Emma came bounding back into the room, big puffy jacket already on.
“I’m ready!” she announced then grabbed her squirrel off the table and tucked it under her arm.
“Mr. Squirrel going with us?” Cas asked having set the backpack on the table.
“Yes, he goes ereywhere wiff me. He keeps me safe.” She snuggled the worn stuffed animal closely.
Charlie almost burst into tears from the cute sight while Dean lit up like a Christmas tree, knowing that to her; the little squirrel represented him. Cas had a sappy smile on his face as they headed towards the front door. Charlie headed out the back door and towards Sam’s after she put her coat on to tell everyone the news.
Once out the door and into the frigid air that was the Montana mountains, Dean reached down and flipped Emma’s hood up on her jacket like it was second nature.
“Tanks.” She smiled up at him.
He smiled back and they started to walk, Cas trailing right behind them; observing the way that Dean interacted with her like he had known her his whole life. Cas of course knew how Dean was feeling, how it was all overwhelming, but it wasn’t outwardly showing and that made Cas smile. After a few steps Emma reached up and took Dean’s hand while looking where she was walking in the snow. The ache around Dean’s heart tightened as he realized how natural it felt with her. How the need to parent, protect, and love his child had come flooding into both his conscious and subconscious.
When they reach the barn Dean pulls the door open with one hand and flips the light on. They step inside and Emma’s mouth falls open when the three horses stick their heads over the stall doors and a chorus of soft nickers can be heard.
“Wow.” She whispers. Dean and Cas both chuckle and look at one another fondly.
“Come on, but you have to be slow and quiet. Horses don’t like loud noises or fast movement.” Dean instructed gently.
Emma nods, unable to take her eyes off the horses who are all waiting eagerly. Cas walked into the feed room and grabbed a couple of treats for Emma to give each horse. They could both tell how excited Emma was, she held on to her stuffed squirrel and Dean’s hand tightly as they walked towards the horses. The first stall they came to was Sadie’s. Her sweet and gentle demeanor was something Dean knew he could count on when introducing his child to a horse for the first time.
They stopped in front of her stall and Sadie leaned her head over the door and down towards Emma, sniffing and blowing her hot breath on the little girl. Emma giggled and squinted when Sadie blew her breath in her face.
“That tickles.” Emma laughed with a wide smile. Dean and Cas both chuckled before Dean introduced them.
“This is Sadie. She’s really sweet. Your aunt Eileen owns her, and Cas here has been riding her for a while now.” Dean pointed to Cas.
Emma listened intensely to Dean then turned to Cas in aw in a way only a child can be. Her mouth hug open for a second before she asked bewilderedly, “You like horsies’s too?!”
Dean snickered and Cas beamed at her affectionately. He squatted down so he was eye level with her. “I do. I was like you before I met your daddy. Never met a horse before in my life.”
Somehow Emma’s mouth got wider, and her eyes got bigger as she asked in shock, “Really? Just like me?”
Dean was still holding her hand and doing his best not to burst out laughing at how adorable and funny this whole interaction was.
“Really really!” Cas declared. “Here.” He held out his hand for hers.
She hesitantly let go of Dean’s hand and held hers out to Cas. He smiled gently and took hers with one hand, flipping it over and setting a treat inside it.
“You can give her this. Just hold it flat on your palm so she doesn’t get a finger.” Cas instructed, he looked up at Dean and winked at him. Cas didn’t want to overstep but he knew Dean wanted him to be part of this. If he hadn’t, he would’ve asked him to stay behind. They would have to have a more in-depth conversation about everything but if he knew Dean; and he was positive he knew him better than Dean knew himself, he knew he would want him to treat Emma like his own in every way possible.
Emma slowly reached out her hand with the treat and Sadie took a moment to smell it before gently taking it off her hand. Emma giggled and reached out to pet her nose. “She’s soft. I likes her.” Emma beamed up at them both in turn.
They proceeded to the other horses, feeding another treat to Sam’s horse Duke, with Dean explaining who he was and who he belonged to. When they got to Zeppelin Dean beamed with pride. Next to the Impala, Zeppelin was Dean’s pride and joy. Dean rescued him from a kill pen as a yearling and trained him himself. They were damn near inseparable when together and tended to have the same personality. Zeppelin was the boss of the heard, but Dean took pride in how gentle he was towards kids. Dean has had several “Come to Jesus” moments with him, but that was because they were both stubborn to a fault. It hadn’t happened in several years, and with age Zeppelin became more willing to accept new things instead of fighting them. Dean rode him in the parades the town threw every year and Zeppelin always loved all the attention he got from the kids. He wasn’t afraid of them like some of the other horses and if Dean was being honest, he had yet to find something that the horse was afraid of.
The only thing Dean thought might scare Emma was that he was more insistent with his love. He would nudge you if he felt ignored.
“This is Zeppelin. He’s my horse, we ride almost every day.” Dean said cheerfully.
Cas handed her the last treat and she held it out for the horse to take. Much to Dean’s relief, Zeppelin was the gentlest he had ever seen him be. He slowly leaned down, ears pricked forward and softly took the treat. He lifted his head and shook it up and down in a yes motion which caused Emma to squeal in laughter. Dean lifted her up so she could scratch Zeppelin on the head. The horse quietly nickered and leaned close so she could rub his head and run her hand through his long, black forelock.
“So pretty.” She whispered, a sweet smile playing across her face as she gazes at the large horse. “He’s my favorites.”
“Yeah, he’s my favorite too.” Dean set her on the ground and took her hand. “Wanna go see the cows and chickens?” he questioned.
“Yes! Yes!” She bounced excitedly on her toes before taking Cas’s hand along with Dean’s and the new little family headed out to see the rest of the animals. Looking at Cas and then down at Emma, Dean couldn’t help but think how lucky he was in that moment to be granted the opportunity to have his daughter in his life and the most amazing man by his side to build this family with. They would have ups and downs sure, but they would get through it together, nothing could tear them apart.
-------------------------------------------------
A few hours later found them back inside the ranch house after seeing all the farm animals. Emma thought the cows were cute, but the Longhorn seemed a bit scary, though she loved the chickens. Cas already tended to them for the most part and figured he had just found a helper in Emma for feeding and collecting eggs every morning, considering how much she loved them. They hadn’t realized they had spent the better part of two hours messing around with the animals. They had just introduced Emma to Miracle who immediately fell in love with her. Emma was sitting on the floor in the living room, playing with her squirrel and talking to Miracle who was laying with his head in her lap.
“Looks like Miracle will be needing a bed in Emma’s room.” Cas whispered as he stepped up beside Dean. Dean was looking on his phone at all the missed calls and texts from everyone over at Sam’s (Mainly from Sam).
Dean snorted and said, “No kidding. Guess I’m chopped liver now.” He chuckled. Cas just elbowed him in the side, knowing he was just joking. They both knew that having Miracle around would be good for Emma.
“Jesus, Sam text you too?” Dean inquired, leaning against Cas as he typed out a reply to Sam’s inquisitive messages, then one to Charlie and Ellen as well. Charlie would be coming back to the house since she was crashing there for New Years. Dean figured he would bring Emma around tomorrow to meet everyone, he didn’t want to overwhelm her on her first day home. He also sent a text to Cain, asking if he would be ok by himself for most of the day tomorrow so he and Cas could take Emma shopping to make her feel more at home and like she belonged there. She was still quite shy and quiet unless talking about horses or dogs. Dean and Cas both hoped that would soon change.
Dean walked into the living room and squatted down (though his creaking and popping knees protested) next to Emma. “Hey sweetie. It’s getting close to dinner time. Are you hungry?”
Emma looked up at him with wide eyes. “Yes pwease.” She murmured.
“Let’s go see what we got.” Dean held out his hand for her. She grabbed onto his finger and hoisted herself up onto her feet; she tightened her grip on his finger as she picked up her squirrel and they walked hand in hand into the kitchen where Cas was pulling out leftover dishes from lunch. Dean pulled out one of the bar stools and lifted Emma onto it then pushed it back in.
“What’s your favorite food Emma?” Cas asked as he popped the Tupperware lid on the leftover mac and cheese.
“Burgers.” She said seriously.
Dean threw his head back in a full body laugh and Cas was shaking his head, biting his lip to try and hold back his laughter. Emma looked confusedly between them both before saying, “What’s so funny?”
“She’s definitely your kid Dean.” Cas finally let out a laugh.
Dean reined himself in, wiping the tears of laughter from his eyes and answering Emma’s question, “My favorite food is burgers too. We just didn’t expect that to be yours too.”
“Oh… I likes pie too.” She smiled brightly.
Cas looked down and shook his head, “yup, definitely yours.”
“No kidding.” Dean smiled affectionately and ruffled her hair gently. “We have plenty of my famous homemade pie for dessert.”
“Yay!” She cheered.
They went about fixing dinner, both being very glad that Emma seemed to at least try any food that was put in front of her. They enjoyed having dinner at the kitchen island, learning a little more about Emma as well. They learned that she is shy and never had many friends, she loves baseball, much to Dean’s delight. They learned that Emma and her mom moved around a lot for her work, but Emma didn’t know where all they had been to. Her favorite movie was the Lion King, but she still loved princesses too. They still had a lot to learn about her and her past, but they had plenty of time for that.
After dinner, they went into the living room to watch some tv. Dean and Cas settled on the couch next to each other; Dean throwing his arm around Cas’s shoulders while Emma got in the old leather chair with Miracle. Halfway through watching Marry Poppins, Emma got up and came to sit next to Dean. She climbed up next to him, stuffed squirrel in hand and rubbed her eyes with the other. She cuddled into his side and yawned audibly.
“Getting sleepy?” Dean asked her.
“Mmhhmm.” She nodded.
Dean looked at his watch, it was 8:30pm. “I guess it probably is your bedtime.” He kissed Cas on the cheek and stood up. “Come on, let’s get you to bed.”
Cas stood as well, looking at Emma and taking in the sight of her tired, glassy eyes. Emma looked at Dean through long lashes and reached her arms out for him. Without hesitation he scooped her up, settling her on his hip. She laid her head on his shoulder and wrapped the arm that wasn’t occupied by the squirrel around his neck. For the umpteenth time that day, both Dean and Castiel’s hearts melted; neither one still being able to comprehend that mere hours ago they had no idea this sweet child they were both already attached to even existed. Cas grabbed her backpack and followed Dean up the stairs.
They had three rooms upstairs to choose from, but they both silently agreed that the one directly across from their room would be the best choice. It was the closest to their room, it had its own attached full bathroom, and it had a great view of what would be the broodmare barn and soon to be more pastures. Luckily Charlie was staying in the other spare room down the hall. Dean hadn’t done much to the guest rooms, they were painted light grey and had minimal décor along with a queen bed, nightstand and lamp, and a dresser for each.
They entered the room and Cas flipped the overhead light on for Dean. Dean took in the room for a moment before turning to Cas with a nervous expression. Dean’s expression said everything Cas needed to know, and he agreed; they had work to do. This was not a suitable bedroom for a 4-year-old little girl. It was too stuffy and not nearly bright or colorful enough. Emma lifted her head and looked around the room before scrunching up her nose.
“It’s not that bad.” Dean insisted gently, trying to reassure her.
“It looks… Cold.” Emma mumbled, burying her face in his neck.
Dean and Cas both frowned before Cas said, “Don’t worry, it won’t be cold for long. Tomorrow we are going to take you shopping so you can pick out all your new stuff. We will even pick up some paint and me and Daddy will paint your room for you.” He rubbed calming circles on her back.
She sat up, her eyes glistening with tears not yet shed and said in a small voice. “Ok.” She sniffled a little before Dean set her on her feet. “Yeah, you can even help us paint if you want too.”
She nodded in agreement as a single tear slid down her face. Dean reached out and gently wiped it away.
“Hey now, none of that.” He said softly, squatting down to get eye level with her. “Everything is going to be ok. You have your own bathroom, and me and Cas are right across the hall if you need anything.” He smiled warmly, “We will always be here for you. No matter what, no matter when. That’s our job. We love you.”
Cas nodded along with Dean, desperately trying to keep the single man tear he felt burning his right eye from falling; they didn’t need a 4-year-old and an adult crying.
“That’s right honey.” Cas added with a loving smile.
“I love you too Daddy.” Emma said before throwing her arms around his neck. He hugged her tightly.
When she pulled back, he smiled, “Ok, lets brush your teeth and get into some pj’s so we can go to sleep.”
Once Emma’s teeth were brushed and her plain pink pajamas on, Dean pulled back the covers on the way too big bed. Cas lifted her up and she crawled under the comforter. Miracle had made his way into the room and was laying at the foot of the bed.
She looked at Cas with a puzzled expression. “What’s that face for?” Cas asked, poking her in the stomach and making her laugh. Dean was quiet, letting them have this talk.
“What do I calls you?” She questioned.
“You mean since you call him Daddy, what should you call me?”
Emma nodded.
“Well, what do you want to call me?” Cas wanted this to be her decision, he didn’t want to force her to call him something she didn’t want to.
Emma leaned forward and put her hand on Cas’s face, quietly studying it. “You looks like a Poppa.” She said decidedly.
“I like it.” Dean added with a cheeky grin.
Cas chuckled, “Then I guess I’m Poppa.”
She lunged towards Cas and wrapped her tiny arms around his neck, he hugged her back tightly. When she let go, he asked, “Do you want a glass of water?”
“Uhhuh.” She nodded yes.
Cas got up and headed downstairs to get her the water, flipping the light off on the way out.
Dean laid down sideways across the bed, the low light from the partially shut bathroom door creating a soft night light for Emma. He was tucking her in when she asked, “Daddy, will you sing to me?”
“Sure baby.” He smiled at her before sitting up and on the edge of the bed in a more comfortable position. He didn’t know any lullabies, so he sang the first thing that popped into his mind. The song his mother sang to him when he was a kid to put him to sleep; her favorite Beatles song, Hey Jude.
“Hey Jude, don’t make it bad
Take a sad song and make it better
Remember to let her into your heart
Then you can start to make it better
Hey Jude, don’t be afraid
You were made to go out and get her
The minute you let her under your skin
Then you begin to make it better.”
Emma snuggled her squirrel closer and stared up at Dean as he sang. He ran a hand across her forehead, sweeping away a stray strand of hair out of her face. He continued to sing.
***
Halfway back up the stairs Cas could hear Dean singing. He slowly walked down the hall and stopped just outside the door, right out of sight of Emma. The scene before him was the most wonderful thing he thought he had ever seen. It pulled at his heartstrings; watching the man he loved comfort and sing to his child as if he had been doing from the moment she entered this world. It was heartwarming and Cas did not want to interrupt it. So, he waited. He watched Dean sing through the middle of the song, smiling as Emma’s eyes started to fall. He watched Dean run a loving hand across her forehead to move her hair out of the way. And in that moment, he witnessed a simple man turn into a father; and it was beautiful. A soft smile played across Castiel’s face as he listened to Dean finish the song.
“So let it out and let it in
Hey Jude, begin
you’re waiting for someone to perform with
and don’t you know that it’s just you
Hey Jude, you’ll do
The movement you need is on your shoulders
Hey Jude, don’t make it bad
Take a sad song and make it better
Remember to let her under your skin
Then you’ll begin to make it better.”
He ended the last few words quieter than he had begun. Emma had slowly fallen asleep to Dean’s singing, and it melted his heart. He placed a gentle kiss on her forehead right as Cas tip-toed into the room, glass of water in hand. He set it on the nightstand and walked over to take Dean’s hand. Together they quietly exited the room, just as the flood of emotions from the day started to feel like they were going to boil over. Dean needed some air.
They left her bedroom door ajar in case she woke up and they headed downstairs. Just when they got to the bottom of the stairs, Charlie was sneaking in the back door.
“Emma is asleep in the room across from ours.” Cas told Charlie in a hushed voice. They all came to stand at the kitchen island.
“This day turned into something I never imagined in a million years.” Dean scrubbed a hand down his face, exhaustion clear in his features.
“Do I need to go stay at Sam’s?” Charlie asked, not wanting to intrude.
“No, no. you can stay here like we planned. Just be quiet.” Dean trailed off then added, “I need some air. Keep an ear out in case she wakes up.” he never met either Cas nor Charlies eyes as he turned to walk through the dining room, grabbing his coat and the letter addressed to him and walk out the front door.
Cas and Charlie watched him go. “Do you think he’s ok?” Charlie questioned, concern for her best friend clear in her voice.
Cas turned to her with a sigh, “He will be.”
“This has to be hard for him to take in.”
“It is… But I don’t think it’s the fact that he has a child, and she now will live with us that is hard on him. Fatherhood comes naturally to Dean…” Cas paused, fixing Charlie with a pained look. “It’s the reality that Emma’s mother seemed to have no intention of telling him he had a daughter until Emma was old enough to make that decision.” Cas frowned.
“Oh… That’s pretty fucked up.” Charlie said wide-eyed.
“I agree… There is a letter for Dean from the mother, but he hasn’t opened it yet.” Cas curiously walked over to the entry into the dining room, looking where they left the letters only to find that Dean had grabbed the one for him when he got his coat. He turned back to Charlie. “He took the letter outside with him.”
“Should we go check on him?” She asked.
Cas walked past where she was standing at the island and over to the coffee pot. “Let’s give him some time. He’s been hit with a lot and needs time to process it. I’ll go find him if he doesn’t come back in 20 minutes.” Cas pulled three coffee cups down from the cabinet then pressed the button to start the coffee machine. “In the meantime, I need some coffee. Want some?”
“That’d be awesome.”
---------------------------------------------------------------
POV: DEAN
The night air was brutally cold when Dean stepped out the front door. He pulled the Carhart up around his neck and walked down the steps and headed towards the barn, thankful that it at least wasn’t snowing. He pushed the door open and flipped on the light switch. Happy nickers were heard coming from the three horses in the stalls. Dean made a beeline for Zeppelin. The horse quietly greeted him, neck arched, ears perked forward as he blew his hot breath on Dean’s outstretched hand. Dean loved that horses could always read the person they loved most and were able to provide comfort when needed. Zeppelin had yet to fail him in any situation thrown at him and always knew when Dean needed a friend. Dean rubbed his palm up and down the horse’s forehead and ran his fingers through his forelock, all while his mind drifted to the letter that felt like it was searing a hole in his jeans pocket.
“Thanks buddy.” Dean told Zeppelin before turning and walking out of the barn, shutting the door, and turned the light off as he went. He leaned against the barn door for a moment, contemplating what to do. He didn’t think he could return to the house just yet, then he caught sight of the truck Cas gave him for Christmas sitting where his garage would be in a few months. He pushed off the door and headed over to it.
Thankful that he had spotlights on every corner of his house, the truck was illuminated in the sheer darkness that was a Montana night. He let the rusty tailgate down and took a seat, the truck creaking under his weight. He pulled the letter out of his pocket and with a deep breath, tore it open. He didn’t know what he had expected to be inside, but it wasn’t the photos that fell into his lap when he unfolded the paper. He set the letter down on the tailgate and picked up the small bunch of photos. When he looked at the first photo, he began to feel hot tears prick behind his eyes. It was a photo from the hospital the day Emma was born. It was a candid photo, clearly taken by a nurse of Lydia with a screaming Emma being placed on her chest; barely one minute old. He flipped the picture over to find it dated with a few written words: March 1st, 2006. Emma Marie Winchester. Born at 3:57pm.
Son of a bitch… her middle name is close to moms. He thought as he flipped it back over and set it on top of the letter. The coincidence was not lost on him.
The next two photos are also from the hospital; one of Emma wrapped in a swaddle and sleeping, the other of a nurse giving her a bath with a scrunched-up face. Dean chuckled as he felt a tear roll down his cheek. He set those two aside with the first photo to finish looking at the rest.
There were twelve more pictures, each dated a month apart with a few words on the back to detail what was happening. Even though he was not there for her first year of life, Lydia made sure he would get a look into what it was like by including photos of her as she grew, none of which contained Lydia. There was one of her doing a big stretch at one month old, a picture from two months old, laying on her back and gripping a rattle with her eyes wide, one from three months of her trying to roll over, one from four months old after she tried baby food for the first time, she was making a sour face; clearly not a fan of the green beans she had tried. Dean chuckled at that one.
The picture from five months was of bath time, she was lying in a baby tub and holding onto a rag with the biggest smile on her face, the spitting image of Dean when he was that age. By the six-month photo she was pushing herself up on her elbows with a huge grin, drool dripping down her chin. Seven, eight and nine months were much the same, she was doing various things, from bouncing in a bouncer to learning how to crawl; all with a huge, open-mouthed smile on her face. Dean could practically hear the happy squeal he was sure she was making. By the ten-month picture she was pulling herself up on a couch, eleven months she was taking her fist unassisted steps, and the one-year photo showed her covered in cake and frosting, eyes scrunched up from the infectious smile on her face. These photo’s left Dean’s heart feeling full but also aching. He had missed so much, but he made up his mind he would never miss another milestone in his daughter’s life.
He took a steadying breath and traded the pictures for the letter, opening it carefully and starting to read.
Dear Dean,
I am writing this because our sweet Emma is now over a year old, and my first deployment is coming up. If you are reading this then something has happened to me, whether it was now or several years from now. I know you will have questions and I hope to provide you with all the answers you need in this letter. Please know that I never intended to keep you a secret from Emma, she sees your picture every day, carries it with her and knows exactly who you are. Her first word was ‘Daddy’ while looking at the carnival pictures of us. You’re probably wondering why I didn’t tell you I was pregnant. Well, you seemed so busy with your new business, and we agreed we were just looking for a good time; I didn’t want to trouble you with a baby when you were just getting started. I know you probably feel like I lied to you considering I told you I was on birth control, but it was a shorter answer than having to tell you that I have a medical condition where I couldn’t get pregnant. I didn’t know I was pregnant until I started feeling sick about three months later. My doctor confirmed it and told me that I was lucky, that people with my diagnosis almost never conceive without help. She was considered a miracle. I intended on letting her decide when she was older if she wanted to meet you, that may seem unfair to you but that’s what I had decided. I never meant to hurt you and I’m sorry if I have. She is so much like you. We don’t have much, it’s been just me and her. Please take care of my baby, I know you will but as a mother I have to say it. I know you will be a great father and give her everything she could possibly want. She is lucky to have a man like you in her life. I know I only knew you for a weekend, but I can tell that you have a big heart Dean Winchester. I hope you found someone to share your life with, someone who will treat you both right. Tell her I love her and please don’t let her forget me.
Yours, Lydia.
By the end of the letter Dean had tears streaming down his face, he felt numb, and the cold winter night no longer bothered him. He had so many emotions swirling around in his head that he felt overwhelmed. He didn’t know how to handle it and he felt rage boiling just at the surface. He ran both hands through his longer than normal hair and tugged hard. He tried to breathe deep, tried to get control of his emotions, but in a way, he couldn’t help but feel like Lydia betrayed him. He was sad, he was hurt, he was exhausted, and he was angry.
He slid off the tailgate and started pacing. His rage was starting to overpower every other feeling, his hands started to shake. He stopped pacing and turned to look at the truck. He spotted a large dent in the left rear fender and the toolbox next to it. He pulled on the fender with all his might; the feeling of the old, rusted rivets snapping off one by one only spurring his rage on. It finally came free with the sound of tearing and screeching metal. He looked in the toolbox and grabbed the large Ball Peen Hammer that was sitting next to it. He lifted it above his head and brought it down onto the underside of the fender with a loud clang of metal on metal.
---------------------------------------------------------------
POV: SWITCH
Cas and Charlie were talking about the plans for the broodmare barn and finishing their coffee when Charlie said, “Dean’s been gone a while. Should we go check on him?”
Cas sighed, “Yes, I was just thinking that.” He reached over to take her empty coffee mug and put it in the sink next to his. “I’ll go check on him. would you mind-“
“I’m on baby duty don’t worry.” She interrupted him with a knowing smile.
He smiled gratefully back, “Thank you, Charlie. I’ll be back in a few minutes.”
Cas walked over and grabbed his coat. He was pulling on his second boot when the loud sound of metal forcefully slamming into metal echoed through the house. Cas’s head snapped up as Charlie jumped in surprise.
“What the hell was that?” She asked as she clutched her chest and took a deep breath.
“I don’t know, but it can’t be good.” And with that, Cas was out the door.
Cas jogged down the steps as the sound of metal on metal rang through the dark and still night, his head turned to the right; towards where the sound was coming from. He quickened his pace, following the loud and steady clanging until he rounded the corner of the house to find Dean next to the old Chevy, hammer in hand, banging out the dented fender with all his strength.
Cas slowly approached him, uncertain of the state his fiancé could be in, though it was clear by the pained look on Dean’s focused face that he had read the letter. He glanced up as he heard footsteps crunch in the freshly fallen snow.
“A little late to be banging out that dent don’t you think?” Cas asked gently.
Dean turned to look at him only for a moment before turning his focus back to the fender. He hit it again, this time with more force. “I think it’s the perfect fucking time to do it.”
Cas stepped closer and placed a hand on Dean’s shoulder. “Did you read the letter?”
“What difference does it make?” Dean deadpanned as he swung the hammer down harder and faster with a loud grunt.
Cas frowned and let his hand drop to his side. He observed Dean for a moment before asking, “Can I read it?”
“I don’t give a fuck.” Dean gritted out through clenched teeth and swung down on the fender again.
This was a first for Cas. Dean had always been nothing but sweet, goofy, and nice since they reunited. He knew Dean’s rage wasn’t directed at him, but it made his heart hurt to see him in such a state. Dean was on a ledge; a breaking point of sort, and he was about to fall. Cas intended on being his parachute.
Cas’s eyes fell onto the open tailgate, and he walked over to it. He picked up the photos and sifted through them, then picked up the letter and read it to the sound of Dean beating the shit out of the fender. Once he was finished, he understood why Dean was in the state he was in. Dean was becoming severely out of breath and finally stopped. He stood there, hammer still in hand, sweat dripping down his face as his chest rose and fell at an alarming rate with every gasping breath he took. He found he couldn’t look at Cas as he walked up to him.
“Dean… I-I’m so sorry.” Cas stepped forward and put his hand on the side of Dean’s face. Dean swallowed hard and made a point to look at Cas’s neck, too afraid that if he looked at his face, he would finally break and fall off the ledge.
“I can’t imagine what you are feeling right now. No amount of words will help or make it right.” Cas gently tilted his head up, forcing Dean to finally meet his eyes. All Cas saw in his bloodshot eyes was hurt and anger.
“She was never going to tell me Cas…” Dean’s voice failed him, breaking as he whispered. Looking into Castiel’s eyes he saw nothing but love and understanding. It brought him to his knees, slowly chipping away the wall he was so desperately trying to hold up.
“I created a child, and she didn’t want to “trouble” me with her. What the fuck!” Dean bellowed, still panting, his bottom lip quivering.
“I know Dean. But Emma is here now.” Cas tried, stroking his cheek with his thumb.
Dean turned from Cas as he felt his control slipping, squeezing his eyes shut as tears spilled down his face. “I missed so much, Cas… so much.”
Dean turned to face him once before he found himself roaring, “I missed her first birthday, I missed her first steps, I missed her first word, hell I even missed her goddamned birth.” His voice got louder with each declaration, his anger getting the better of him and he started slamming the hammer against the fender yet again.
Cas stood there, solid, unflinching, and listening.
“All because she didn’t think I would want her and that it would be trouble.” Dean took a shaky breath, hitting the fender one more time before continuing, “I’m hurt, I feel betrayed, and I’m pissed…”
He wiped the cold moisture from his eyes and said quietly, “And yet I couldn’t be happier that she is here.” Dean finally dropped the hammer as he looked down at the snow-covered ground, a sob wracking through his body as he tumbled over the ledge of that cliff, finally breaking. Cas was there in a second to wrap his strong arms around Dean, they sank onto the snowy ground as Dean let the emotional roller coaster of the day flood every part of his being; comforted and protected by Cas. There were very few people that Dean would ever have allowed to see him like this, Cas being number one. He hated this. Sometimes, he hated how much he cared and how hard he loved.
“Why didn’t she tell me!” He sobbed. “I would’ve taken that baby in without hesitation. She’s family. She’s my blood.” He mumbled into Cas’s jacket, gripping the material tightly.
Cas dug his fingers into the hair at the base of Dean’s skull, holding him as close as possible. “I know. But now you can make so many new memories. Good memories. You don’t have to miss anything else my love.” Cas felt Dean’s shoulders relax slightly, the fight leaving him as exhaustion took over.
Dean pulled back, looking into Cas’s eyes and saw the truth there. “I swear I will never miss another milestone. Not with her or any of our other kids we may have.” He promised through shaking breath.
Cas smiled fondly, that was the first time Dean had mentioned them being able to have children. It made Cas’s heart flutter. “You won’t. I have faith in you, Dean Winchester.”
Cas leaned forward and kissed him, the taste of salty tears heavy on his lips. When they pulled apart Cas asked, “feeling better?” He carded his fingers through Dean’s hair the way he knew he liked it.
“A little.” Dean smiled weakly.
“Good. Let’s get you inside and in some dry clothes.” Cas stood and then tugged Dean onto his feet. He handed the letter and photos to Dean as they walked hand in hand towards the house.
Once inside Cas helped Dean pull off his coat and boots. Dean kept his eyes downcast, afraid of making eye contact with Charlie who he knew was sitting at the island.
Cas started to guide Dean up the stairs when Charlie called out, “Dean?”
Dean instinctively turned to his best friend, puffy eyes, and all, “Yeah Charlie?” His voice was hoarse from screaming.
“I love you.” She spoke.
Dean playfully grinned at her and said, “I know.” Easily slipping into the Star Wars reference they always knew would cheer the other up.
Dean turned to head up the stairs, Cas was right behind him. Cas steered him through their bedroom door and into the bathroom. Cas took the letter and photos and set them on the dresser before walking back into the bathroom to turn on the shower and help Dean rid himself of his sweat and snow-soaked clothes.
Dean stepped into the shower and under the water, letting the hot spray sooth his sore muscles and wash away the stress of the day. Cas joined him only a minute later, a soft smile on his face as he took the soap Dean had just picked up from his hand. Dean didn’t protest as Cas gently washed every inch of his body, then massaged the shampoo into his hair. Once they were done, they dried off and Dean could feel the weight of the day pulling him down. He was exhausted and it was late. They walked into the bedroom where Cas threw a pair of boxers and basketball shorts at him before he pulled on his own. Dean’s tired brain complied without thought, pulling on the clothing, and throwing the towel in the hamper in the corner of the room. Cas walked over to the bed and crawled in.
Dean turned towards the door but stopped when Cas called after him. “Where are you going?” Cas asked.
“I’ll be right back.” Dean walked out the door and tiptoed up to Emma’s door. He poked his head in, smiling when he heard soft snores coming from the bed.
“I’ll always be there for you.” He whispered into the darkness. He pulled back and walked back into his room and crawled into bed, immediately snuggling up into Cas’s waiting arms. Sleep claimed him quickly that night; Dreams of Emma and him riding in the pastures and having family picnics filled his dreams.