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It was a completely normal, ordinary dinner time in the bunker. The older kids were recounting harrowing tales and funny mishaps to the younger ones, the food was as good as it could get when your main ingredients were lizards and some random leaves in the forest, Thoma and Lanni were causing a ruckus again…
And Emma kept getting those fluttery feelings every time she brushed her arm against Ray’s, or saw his smile.
Contrary to what many people would say, she’s not an idiot. She’s not a naive child anymore. She knows what she’s feeling when she sees him laugh, or when he gives her a real, genuine smile. And she’s noticed how their chairs at dinner seem to inch closer and closer together with each day, how Ray turns away with a little blush when she grabs his hand while out hunting in the wilderness. These feelings were mutual.
Which was way Emma decided that this was the night when she’d confess. She wasn’t nervous in the slightest—it was rare for her to not be brimming in confidence with matters related to emotions, and didn’t think she was wrong in her assumptions.
So after she and Oliver cleaned the dishes together, their nightly shared task, she snuck into the laundry room, where Ray was finishing folding the last of his assigned laundry. He raised an eyebrow at her unsubtle entrance. “What, are you out of clean clothes already? You’ll have to wash it yourself, if so.” He said this with a completely monotone and serious voice, but he had a hint of a smirk on his face.
“Actually, it’s something more important. Or less important, depending how you look at it,” Emma smiled, bouncing from foot to foot with a giggle.
Ray frowned. “You lost me.”
Emma stepped forward and grabbed his hands in hers, giving him a radiant smile. “I love you!”
He still didn’t seem to get it. “I love you too? You tell everyone in the family this every day-“
“No, silly,” Emma laughed again, “I’m in love with you!”
The trumpet blasts, confetti raining from the sky, crowd cheering as a worldwide holiday was declared… all the little fantasies that Emma had daydreamed about in her head surrounding this moment seemed to drain out of her with each passing second of silence from the boy, who simply stared at her with his eyes wide and his mouth parted.
Well, maybe he’s just overwhelmed, right? she thought. Any second now he was going to break out in a smile, declare his undying love for her, and they’d live happily ever after. Minus the demons and pursuers that could kill them at any second.
But instead, Ray suddenly snatched his hands away from her, seemingly looking anywhere but her; his eyes darted around, his face turning beet red. “I- we- that is, uh…” He stuttered for a hot second, until he started shaking his head. “…I can’t,” he mumbled.
Emma felt herself sinking. “…Can’t what? …Do you not feel the same way?“
Ray suddenly snapped his head toward her, eyes widening in alarm. “No- er, yes- agh, we just can’t…”
And then he ran out of the room.
To say Emma was anything short of bamboozled would be an understatement.
===
It seemed at first glance to be a completely normal, ordinary evening in the bunker. A group of kids had discovered the hidden closet filled with board games, Gilda was showing Paula and Mark how to plant vegetables in the indoor garden, Yugo was being Yugo…
And Ray couldn’t stop thinking about his best friend turned love interest, whose heart he probably just broke.
Ray’s not an idiot, he knows what they’ve both been feeling for each other for the past month or so. Maybe even earlier than that, but he first had that revelation of his feelings when he saw her open her eyes and smile after being in a coma for so long.
And yet as she confessed her love for him with her starry eyes and lovely charm only directed toward him in the moment, he just… froze. He didn’t know why—he’s been in love with her for months, why is he upset about this?
And yet… the whispery voices of inadequacy and unworthiness played on repeat in his mind, the ones that Emma always chided him on. No one around you thinks you’re unworthy of this, he imagined Emma saying. A voice in your head can’t dictate your worth.
And yet.
Are those voices really wrong? Emma doesn’t seem to bring it up or think about it, but he’s basically sent so many of their siblings to an early death just to contribute to his escape plan for just Norman and Emma. He tried to leave everyone else behind to die, he tried to frame Don, he tried to set himself and every part of this wretched world he could see on fire just to gain the satisfaction of a sliver of revenge.
Too many thoughts swirling in his head, he found himself stopping his run outside the door to he and Don’s shared room. Opening the creaking door slightly, he sighed in relief upon seeing that the room was empty. He really didn’t want anyone seeing him as frazzled as he felt.
He laid down on his bunk, facing toward the wall and with the blankets drawn up around him, impersonating a very fluffy burrito. A few minutes went by of complete silence, save for the ticking of the clock in the corner Ray had been trying to put together in some of his spare time, until Don eventually made his way into the room. Something must’ve given away how upset he was as a few moments later Don’s concerned voice asked, “Ray, are you okay…?”
“Everything is just peachy,” he responded, voice muffled by his blankets. Don took that as an invitation to not ask further, and the two of them settled down into sleep later after that.
===
“What’s going on between you and Emma?”
It was the next day, and Ray was skimming through history books and jotting down notes on Cuvitidala. He was sitting at a different table in the archives room than usual, one that was obscured from the entrance behind a bookshelf. This change of tables was definitely not relevant as he was definitely not ignoring a certain someone.
Anna’s voice took him by surprise, as he hadn’t noticed the girl standing behind him, leaning on the bookshelf closer to the door.
“I don’t-“
“And don’t try to dodge the question by saying you don’t know what I’m talking about.”
Ray grimaced. Is it that obvious? “How could you tell?”
The stern expression on Anna’s face faded to one of quiet concern, the girl being unable to keep up an angry facade for too long. “You and Emma sat apart for the first time I can remember during breakfast, and you both seem really sad.” A few seconds of silence passed before she stepped forward. “Is there anything I can do to help?”
“No, no, it’s my fault,” Ray muttered. He hoped she’d leave before he said more than he wanted to—admitting there was something wrong was already more than he meant to—but if his family was anything, they were resilient and stubborn.
“What happened?”
Ray glared at her for a few moments, hoping she’d back down, but Anna only stared back defiantly, so eventually Ray sighed, relenting. He proceeded to tell her the—admittedly short—story of his and Emma’s conflict.
After he finished his retelling, Anna blinked a few times, shocked, then buried her face in her hands with a groan. “So you broke her heart, then ran away.”
“Pretty much.”
She looked up at him, staring in disbelief. “Are you not guilty?!”
Ray stared back in annoyance, cursing his typical monotone voice. “Of course I am! I did the one thing I never wanted to do again—make Emma sad!”
“Well, why not just tell her that?” Anna asked. “If you communicate, she’ll see why you ran away and will maybe be less sad…?”
She was right but Ray was still in denial. “If I do, she’ll just keep trying to be with me, and she deserves better.”
Anna was known for being sweet and quiet, a thoughtful and kind motherly figure to the younger kids. So Ray wasn’t expecting her to grab his arm and glare at him incredulously. “Are you kidding me? What she deserves is an explanation, at the very least!” Though as soon as she noticed Ray’s grimace and slight recoil at her words, she softened again, though her grip on his arm remained tight. “You’re not undeserving of anyone’s love, Ray.”
Before he had a chance to respond, he was saved by someone bursting through the door of the archives room. Until he realized that the person who probably just broke the door from slamming it open so hard was the very person he’s been trying to avoid.
Ray noticed this before either of them did, and so he jumped out of his chair and hid further behind the bookshelves, leaving Anna in plain sight, confused, until she realized just who was walking up to her.
Emma gave Anna a friendly smile, seemingly unaware of what was happening just seconds before her arrival. “Anna! Have you seen Ray?”
Inconspicuously glancing to the side, Anna noticed Ray shaking his head so fast his neck would probably break. “…No?”
If Emma had any doubts about how factual Anna’s response was, she didn’t show it. “Great… I haven’t seen him all day and there’s something… important we need to discuss.”
“Oh?” Anna laughed, at a loss for what to do. She betrays one of her friends no matter what she does in this situation, and at least doing what Ray wants for now will cause their inevitable talk to happen when she’s not there.
Emma took this response as a chance to vent, replaying the same story Ray told. “And then he just ran! Why would he do that?!”
“Maybe he’s just scared,” Anna said, raising her voice on scared to make sure Ray knew she was addressing him. Movement from the corner of her eyes, most likely him making rude hand gestures, let her know how he felt about that. Emma noticed some of the movement and tried to move forwards to peer behind the bookshelf, but Anna moved to the side to block her again.
“Scared of what? I confessed first, so he already knows the feelings are mutual, if he does feel that way.”
“I think he’s less scared to tell you his feelings for you, but more scared to tell you how he feels about his feelings for you… buuuut that’s a conversation for the two of you to have together,” Anna quickly added before Emma could question her more. “Well, I gotta go, good luck finding Ray, bye!” She left the room as quickly as she could without seeming like she was running from them—though it was obvious to both that that was the case—quietly shutting the door on the way out.
Ray heaved a sigh of relief, now waiting for Emma to start to wander toward the door, but instead she stayed where she was. “Ray, I know you’re behind that bookshelf.”
Damn it .
Ray emerged from the safe haven of the corner of the archives room and stepped into the unknown waters of the center, where Emma was staring at him intently with an unreadable expression on her face, one he could only describe as some mix of disappointment and hurt.
This wasn’t supposed to happen. In fact, this is precisely why he buried his feelings in the first place; she deserves someone who didn’t come with a heavy serving of trauma and issues that dragged him away from her.
All was silent for a few short, short moments that felt like an eternity, before suddenly Emma broke into a sprint and leaped on him, engulfing him in a hug. “Why are you avoiding me?” She asked, her words muffled by his shoulder. “Was Anna right?”
Ray froze, before he realized what she meant by that. I think he’s less scared to tell you his feelings for you, but more scared to tell you how he feels about his feelings for you. He supposed this was true—he loved her and had come to terms with that a while ago. The depths of his love wasn’t what scared him.
“You deserve better than me,” Ray mumbled into her hair, his arms still limp at his side.
Emma pulled away at this, searching his eyes…
…before slapping him in the face.
Ray brought a hand to the side of his face—she hadn’t hit him with the intention to hurt him, he could tell, but she was a lot stronger than she thought she was and it still stung. “Wha- Emma?! ”
“Stop trying to kill yourself and your hopes and dreams based on some twisted perception of what you think other people want!” Emma nearly shouted at him, tears forming in her eyes.
He stared at her for a moment, still holding his face, before stepping forward to envelope her in a tighter hug. “I’m not trying to kill myself.”
Emma stood still for a moment before wrapping her arms around him as well. “But you’re doing the same thing—hiding what you really want and pretending you’re okay with it, just because you think it’ll give me more happiness.
“Tell me, Ray, what do you want?
Ray hugged her tighter, his head coming to rest on orange curls. “…This,” he admitted, finally allowing himself to notice how much he appreciated her warmth at the moment. “But you wouldn’t want-“
He could hear her frown in her voice. “I’m not rejecting you. You’re rejecting you. Stop rejecting yourself.”
In spite of the dam of emotions threatening to break in him, he managed to laugh at Emma’s quip and looked down at her with a fond smile. “Fine, fine. I don’t want you to reject me. I want you too..”
“See? That wasn’t so bad,” she mumbled into his shirt.
Ray frowned again, thinking back to his inner turmoil. “But, do you really want me when I’m like this all the time?“
“ Ray,” Emma said with a hint of exasperation, but when she looked up at him her expression was only that of open warmth. “I want all of you, as much as you’re willing to give. I’m happy as long as I’m with you.”
Emma opened her mouth to speak again, but was abruptly cut off by a pair of lips hastily colliding with hers, then quickly retreating once he realized what he’d done.
“I- I’m sorry-“ Ray started stammering, his face red and eyes wide in shock.
He was preparing for the worst—why did he kiss her without asking? Did he want to get dumped before they even officially became a couple?—but Emma just started laughing, quiet at first, then louder as the seconds dragged on.
“What’s so funny?” Ray grouched, unable to drop the smile and the pink dusted across the face.
Emma only laughed harder at that. “I’m sorry- you’re just too cute sometimes!” She giggled.
Usually Ray would come up with some clever retort to this, but in that moment, staring down at how happy Emma was while wrapped in his arms, he found that he couldn’t be bothered.