Chapter Text
...... ......... ......
Time, is a funny thing. It can go by both impossibly fast and incredibly slow all at the same time. There are times where time is wished away as we move toward something, always rushing ahead to the next great thing. There are times where we wish time would slow, so the things we do last that little bit longer for us to savour. Moments in time can occur which feel both big and small, yet hold impact in many different ways and are no less life changing despite their size. Sometimes, something as simple as a shared look can change the mood of a day, or where even a stolen kiss shared in your best friend's backyard can change the direction of life.
Because that is exactly what life is.
Time. Moments. Actions.
They make up life. The life we live everyday. A life which can change in the blink of an eye for both good as well as bad. So because of such uncertainty, every minute should be lived to the fullest and not wished away, every moment savoured whether big or small and every action taken no matter what it is. Don't live with regret so take chances because there are no guarantees. None. So why waste the time you have by not living life how you want to live, how you deserve to live.
Which is exactly what Athena Grant is doing.
Four hundred and sixty-eight days or sixteen months.
A period of time which followed her decision to live.
That is how much time has passed by since the night in Hen's backyard. A night which changed everything, her outlook on life and love, on herself. Sixteen months since Athena made a decision that would forever change the course of her life. Sixteen months, a period of time that seemed to pass by both at a snail's pace and much to quickly all at the same time. The time which has gone by since that night hasn't been all sunshine and rainbows either. Life isn't that easy. There had been thunder clouds of tension, arguments as sudden and fierce as lightening strikes and countless downpours of tears. There had been far too many moments where walking away seemed the only answer, the best answer, only to find herself trapped in a situation she was trying to make better for her children, even though better appeared impossible to achieve. Throughout all the turbulent times faced, the one thing to never waver was the constant love and support of Bobby. A man who has not only changed her life but forever changed her as a person, simply because he allows her to be seen and loved for exactly who she is, not for who she was expected to be. Not as someone to be used to fix themselves as Michael saw fit to do for fifteen years. Bobby is a man who has shown her what it truly feels like to live fully and experience love deeply, to trust completely, to have hope in the future and to hold faith, not only in herself but in another. It has been nothing short of powerful and amazing.
It has been a long road travelled with so many bumps and twists and turns, but a journey she would take a million times over, because the end destination is everything she wanted.
Four months has passed by since Bobby whisked her away for a lovely weekend up the coast, where on their last day over breakfast in bed; they discussed the future and what it looked like for them as a couple but also, where they agreed upon keeping their relationship secret for a little while longer. Despite the agreement to keep the outside world out, its also been nearly four months since she sat across from Bobby in a restaurant, for the first time in LA when they actually went out together on a date. It's also been four months since they toasted to the beginning of the rest of their lives.
So far, everything has been very good.
The extremely tense relationship with Michael is still somewhat tense but its eased since the divorce and they have settled into a cordial and tentative friendship as they navigate joint custody of their children and the subsequent responsibilities they hold as parents. The situation with the children is as good as its ever been, because now everyone feels much more settled into the new normal that has become their life, and gone away is the suffocating tension and arguments which existed on a daily basis back when she was trapped in a house and a marriage with a man she had long ago grown to hate and distrust. The end of her marriage to Michael had been liberating and left behind an environment free of stress, where not only May and Harry could begin again to thrive but where her bond with them could as well. The only thing that has been found a struggle in regards to the children has been her inability to fully feel settled when they leave to spend the week with their dad. It hasn't been easy to watch them walk out the door, despite the regularity in which it now occurs but still, even months later, the arrangement is somewhat still new. Time will prove to be the only thing to help.
Then of course, there's Bobby. Her man. Her everything. Not a day has gone by where she hasn't thanked God for him. A man who brightens her day with a single look, a simple smile or a solitary word. Her relationship with Bobby is as good as it has ever been and it's only continued to grow, strengthen and deepen as time goes by. Everyday, she falls that little bit more in love with him, something she didn't know possible and yet, still everyday it happens. The only thing to capture her attention over the course of the last few weeks is a slight restlessness in Bobby. It left her feeling like something is off and something is being unsaid on his behalf. It doesn't feel substantial, which is why she is yet to approach the subject, why she chose not to push and to instead, allow Bobby time to work through whatever it is that's bothering him. But still there are things, little things, she has chosen to ignore too. Not only in regards to Bobby but also in regard to herself. Which is another reason why she has chosen not to push. How can she push Bobby to talk about what's bothering him, when she has her own feelings to deal with. Feelings which are not up for discussion because to her, their irrelevant, they have no standing.
Except they do.
But for now, those not so little things are let go, because despite the feeling lingering beneath the surface that says something is off, life is good. Life is better than it ever has been.
Sometimes though, to ignore those little things sometime have a way of coming back around to bite you in the ass. Especially when you least expect it. Sometimes, things are bigger than you expect and hold much more impact. Sometimes to do nothing, is the worst choice of all. It allows for opportunity to ruin. Unfortunately for Athena, she just doesn't realise it yet. But soon, she will. Soon, she shall realise not discussing the feelings which plague her and by not pushing Bobby to talk, will have a detrimental effect upon their relationship.
But for now, unaware of what's ahead, Athena continues on. Taking everyday as it comes, one day and one step at a time.
Today began like any other. Shift had started a few hours ago and so far, it's been good. Nothing extraordinary has happened. Everything pretty much routine. The only downside so far has been the lack of opportunity to see Bobby, because unfortunately for her, the dispatch gods are very much working against her and every scene so far attended where fire and rescue are present, its been another firehouse on call to respond. Still, she soldiers on through domestic disturbances and a jewellery store robbery, a canine attack and a midday drunken brawl at a bowling alley, an assault at a grocery store and a two car collision. The calls have come through steadily to keep her occupied, bouncing from one to another to another, stopping only for a short break. It isn't until she pulls over a car reported stolen for speeding, does her luck look set to change.
With the runaway groom and his irate bride-- who angrily tracked him down--loaded in the back of her patrol car, Athena sets out to head back to Central. Barely five minutes into the journey and after a brief conversation with dispatch, Athena is notified and relayed details regarding the road closure up ahead. Where an ongoing situation is being attended to by both LAPD and LAFD. It's only upon rolling up on scene behind the ladder truck does she realise the responding firehouse in question, is the 118.
Yes, her luck definitely looks set to turn and barely is she out of the car, before her eyes set upon him.
It really hadn't been her intention to do what she does next but watching him walk toward her, warm brown eyes focused entirely upon her and a teasing smile on his handsome face, Athena really can't help herself. Really, who could blame her?
His lips are soft and sure beneath her own, his body hard and his arms strong as they surround her to pull her closer. It feels so good to feel him, to have him pressed back against the engine as she braces a hand above his shoulder and deepens the kiss. It's only been two days since they last saw each other, since they made dinner and watched a movie before falling into bed and yet, it feels like such a long time ago. She's missed him and it costs nothing to admit. Which is why caution is thrown to the wind. What they are doing now, what she started, goes against everything they previously agreed upon. She asked to keep their relationship quiet for a little while longer and yet here she is now, with her man pinned against his firetruck and her tongue thrust into his mouth. It's ridiculous and compromising and really shouldn't be happening but it is, because she can't help herself. He feels good and so does his kiss. The moment of temporary insanity to be doing this she could blame on the heat baking the city but the only heat to blame is the one only he can ignite within. The one that always seems to be simmering beneath the surface.
The fog doesn't clear and the kiss doesn't end until Buck's voice cuts through the moment to make Athena wrench herself away, breathing hard and more than a little flushed as she steps back. Steps back until her back almost hits the other truck behind her to put a respectable distance between them. A smirk is barely suppressed when she takes in his appearance, face flushed, eyes darker than usual and lips kissed so, so good.
"Anyone seen Cap?!"
Another quick glance is thrown at Bobby to see his posture straighten and game face slides back into place, then she glances toward where Buck's voice is coming from. Suddenly footsteps can be heard drawing closer and then Buck appears between the engines... holding a severed arm. It says a lot that Athena doesn't even blink.
"Got the arm, so we're good to go here, Cap."
"Good. Pack that on ice and roll out with Hen and Chimney." Bobby orders, eyes moving to the arm briefly. "Help where you can. I'll see you back at the firehouse."
Buck nods, then pauses to flash a smile at Athena. "Hey Athena."
Eyes move from the severed arm that has clearly been blown off some poor soul's body, to the boy who has somehow slowly wormed his way into her heart. "Buckaroo." She watches him walk away with a bounce in his step, disappearing as quickly as he appeared and before she can even think to talk to Bobby, Voyta appears.
"Hey Cap, we need you over here."
"Copy that."
Athena sighs as the stolen moment is stolen away, before it even had chance to properly begin. Such a pity. "You better get going. I'll call you later."
Bobby sighs. "Okay." He glances to make sure they're alone before reaching out his hand and smiles softly when she takes it. "I love you."
"I love you too." Athena replies quietly, squeezing his hand. "Stay safe out there Captain."
"You too, Sergeant."
She smiles softly as they share a fond look before watching him walk away, enjoying the view until he disappears behind the ambulance and out of sight. Leaning back against the truck, Athena inhales slowly, heart rate still elevated from the kiss. It may not have lasted nearly as long as she'd have liked and very little may not have been spoken between them but what she got is definitely enough after nearly forty-eight hours of nothing. Even still it makes her idea for a little date night, all the more appealing. An idea which only increases her determination to call him later.
For now, she has a runaway groom and a pissed off bride to deliver to Central for booking, a couple who she soon discovers to be arguing like crazy as she nears the car. With a roll of her eyes, Athena tells them to cut the crap and shut up as she starts the engine. It's too damn hot to deal with their bitching.
With the taste of Bobby still on her lips, Athena counts down the hours until shift ends. What comes after, will come. All in good time. Just like it always does where that man is concerned.
...... ........ ......
Two hours drag by and it isn't until that point does Athena finally have opportunity to take a late lunch. It seems like with the rise in temperature currently baking the citizens of Los Angeles, the heat seems to have made people lose their goddamn minds. Its been an exhausting shift which isn't over, but for now its a shift put on pause to allow for a well deserved timeout. Lunch is picked up from a little sandwich shop she favours that Bobby introduced her to and is happily consumed as she observes folk go about their day. Afterward while nursing a cup of coffee, Athena texts the kids to see how their days are going, knowing they'll see the texts once they get out of class. With a few minutes left to spare before getting back to business, she is just about to call Bobby to enquire about plans for tonight after shift, when her phone rings.
Smiling as his name appears across the screen, Athena eagerly takes the call. "Well hello there Captain."
"Sergeant Grant," Bobby says smoothly and she can hear the smile in his voice. "How are you?"
"I'm good. Just finished lunch." Athena takes a sip of coffee. "I was actually just thinking about you."
"Oh really?" He replies, sounding very intrigued. "What exactly were you thinking about?"
Athena tilts her head, a smile on her face. "I was thinking about you and me, some takeout, TV and a foot rub..." her smile widens at the thought. "Then later on falling into bed."
Bobby makes a pleased sound. "Going to bed sounds an excellent idea."
She giggles. "Did you hear any of what came before or did you just hear the word bed?"
"I vaguely heard you mention something else but I admit I focused entirely on the most important part." Bobby tells her, voice low and teasing. "You in bed, very much naked. I don't need anything more than that."
"Woah, I never said anything about being naked," Athena states in her most serious voice. Though she does love to tease and the though of going straight to bed does sound incredibly tempting. "Besides, tonight is Claws night. You know nothing or no one comes between me and my show."
"Oh really? Give me a few minutes and someone will definitely come. I can promise you that."
Athena barely bites back the moan at the thought of what exactly this man can do to her. "You're very flirty this afternoon, Captain Nash."
"Well, what do you expect? This is what happens when a beautiful woman shows up on scene to pin me against my firetruck. Ever since, my mind has been focused upon only one thing."
"Oh and that is?"
"Athena," Bobby hisses roughly. "As I said, you naked in my bed."
"You feeling the heat, huh baby?"
He groans. "In more than one way."
Athena grins, delighted to have gotten him worked up a little. "Maybe later I'll help you cool down."
"Definitely later." Bobby counters immediately. "But first takeout, Claws and a foot rub."
"You were listening, I'm impressed."
"Honey, even if I do focus upon only certain aspects, I always listen to everything you say."
"I'll remember you said that, for future reference," Athena teases.
Bobby sighs happily, enjoying the banter between them. "Between the heat, the calls and being on shift for forty-eight hours, I can't wait to see you."
"A few hours and then you, me and date night in." She smiles into the phone. "I'll pick up dinner on the way over."
"Are you sure? I don't mind stopping to pick it up on my way home."
"No, I got it. I don't mind."
"Okay." Bobby agrees. "How's your shift going so far?"
"It could be worse, I've had a few--" Suddenly, the radio crackles to interrupt causing her to sigh as dispatch relays where they need her to be. Lunch break officially over. "Baby, I'm sorry. I wish I could talk more but I have to go. I'll see you tonight."
"I look forward to later." Bobby tells her, his tone very suggestive of what later will involve. "Be careful out there Sergeant, I love you."
"I will and I love you too." Athena hangs up the phone. Her hand immediately goes to her radio where a discussion takes place with dispatch about the scene they need her to attend and all relevant information pertaining to it. An accident involving a garbage truck and cyclist, which doesn't offer great odds for the latter. As sirens come to life and she pulls away from the kerb, the few hours left in her shift can't go by quick enough.
....... ....... .......
The night has been everything she needed it to be, until they hit an unexpected stumbling block. Even though, if she's honest, it really isn't at all unexpected. But still, what started out like any other night spent together as they eat takeout and watch her show, soon takes a turn when Bobby shows great interest in going out into the world as a couple.
The thing is, what she tells him is very much the truth. Everyday, they spend hour after hour out in there in the world, on the front line, seeing first hand some of the worst acts of humanity and insanity. Which is why she tells him of her desire to keep the world on the other side of the door a little while longer. So they can enjoy the privacy it affords them behind it. A perk of an affair is the secrecy that comes with it and the perk is something she has been grateful for, despite how much she despises the term affair to describe what they have found together. But there is more to it than only that. There's more reasons behind why she wants to keep their relationship quiet and there isn't any way for those reasons to spoken of to Bobby, at least not yet, not when it continues to be something she's very much still struggling with herself.
Four months ago, the request had been made to Bobby for a few months more before they lift the veil on their relationship and allow the outside world in. Something which he agreed to. But over the course of those four months which followed the discussion during breakfast in bed, her brain had started to think and not every thought has been positive. More than a fair share have been negative. Its become nothing short of a constant battle and one she is struggling to fight everyday and now added to the list is the knowledge Bobby is ready and wanting to step outside of their bubble and be seen for who they are. Two people in love. Two people who have found something so incredibly special and everlasting. In one way, she likes and appreciates his readiness, in another she doesn't. Simply because it isn't as easy for her to step outside their little bubble for reasons left unspoken and it hurts to have to shut him down, because his disappointment is evident and so is his confusion, even though he tries to shield her from seeing both best he can.
But it's there and it casts a shadow over them, lingering above as they finish dinner and watch the show. Athena idly wonders if he will try and broach the subject again and is mildly surprised when he doesn't. Which comes as a relief. After the show concludes, conversations shift to safer topics as Bobby asks about her day, asks after the kids and how school is going for them, and if May and Harry are having fun with their dad. She in turn asks about his shift and how it's going with the newest member of the 118. They talk and it's nice and as much as she tries to push aside the feeling, it's there, the issue of them both wanting and needing different things at this particular point in time.
So Athena, once again, does the only thing she can. She ignores it. Which is very much not the right way of things, because the right way would be to sit down with Bobby and discuss openly what she needs to say, to speak of how she truly feels... but none of that is something she does. Instead, the issue is ignored for now. Again.
Rising from the couch, dishes are carried into the kitchen and she places them into the sink ready to clean. Glancing at Bobby, it's to find him putting leftovers into the fridge. Eyes watch him for a few moments before she's about to say something, to tease him about his earlier determination to get her naked and in bed, a way to hopefully ease the slight tension she can feel lingering between them, when his arms slide around her and lips press a kiss to her cheek.
"I'm gonna go take a shower."
"Okay."
Athena looks on after him as he disappears into the bathroom with a frown on her face. Normally one of two things would happen. Either he'd ask her to join him or she would follow after to slip beneath the water to make the shower even more steamier. For once, neither exist, which doesn't sit right with her. Still, allowing him to slip away, allows them both a little distance and so her attention is given fully to the dishes. Not allowing her mind to run away with itself down a path she doesn't wish to travel, both in regard to her own feelings but also in regard to Bobby's, a deep inhale follows as her mind clears and the dishes done. Nothing else. After a few minutes of washing, drying and putting away things from dinner back where they belong, Athena then moves into the bedroom where time is taken to get changed. This isn't how she thought tonight would go, the expectation of his hands pulling away clothes is replaced by her own. Soon enough, her clothing is exchanged for a pale blue silk slip that falls mid thigh. Sitting down on the edge of the bed, Athena looks up from her phone after sending off a text each to the kids wishing them a goodnight and pleasant dreams, when the sound of running water ceases and Bobby steps out of the shower. Eyes dance along his hard body as he reaches for a towel to wrap around his waist. God, he's a glorious sight and one she could never tire of and everyday, she knows just how lucky she really is to be with him.
It doesn't cross her mind, that by withholding how she feels and allowing the fear to grow within, it could threaten what they have. Maybe she doesn't want to think such things, maybe she has and again chosen to ignore it. Either way, right now, all that crosses her mind is the man standing before her.
Unashamedly caught staring at him, Bobby smirks. "See something you like, Sergeant?"
"Always."
And just like that, this thing looming over them which she has wrongfully chosen to ignore, falls further away into the background as Bobby pushes her back against the sheets to rest above her. His mouth against hers in a blink of an eye, soft yet demanding as hands eagerly peel away the silk slip only moments ago put on. It's easy to forget the feelings which plague her so deeply, as well as his gentle push to step out into the world. It's so incredibly easy to forget as his hands and mouth map every inch of her body, so easy to think of nothing beside him as his mouth sets fire to her core to deliver the first of multiple climaxes. Then everything falls away entirely except for each other and the love they share, when Bobby penetrates her depths so, so slowly.
Maybe it's wrong to focus upon this aspect of their relationship, to focus on how he makes her feel. If it's wrong, Athena finds herself okay with that. "Bobby..." his name escapes wrapped around a breathy moan as he loves her slowly. Her hands clutch at him, desperate for more and desperate to keep him close. Desperate to push the fear away.
And as they move together, bodies grinding and rocking and pushing higher toward the release they chase... it becomes incredibly easy to lose herself in him and their connection, to allow herself to fall under the allusion of calm, when unbeknownst to her, the storm is coming.
....... ...... .......
Everything about her next shift is easy going and routine, nothing out of the ordinary occurs until the call comes through from dispatch and honestly, it feels like her heart literally siezes when she hears what happened. An ambulance belonging to the 118 had exploded during a call to a scene requiring bomb squad's assistance. Being on the otherwise of town doesn't help either, neither being at a scene that requires her attention because she can't just up and leave to head across to find out what the hell is going on. It takes twenty minutes after closing out her scene, to get her suspect in cuffs and loaded into the back of her patrol car for the first text to arrive. Its Hen, delivering a quick message to say everyone is okay and accounted for. The text is something to be grateful for and her worry diminishes slightly but not completely, that will not happen fully until she hears his voice.
Which comes a little later after her return to Central, when her suspect is in custody and going through booking. Finally, with a moment to herself, the call is made. To hear his voice comes as a huge relief and it hadn't been until that exact moment where the realisation came, at just how on edge she had really been. After checking to make sure he's okay, Athena listens as Bobby rants about his ambulance, now blown to smithereens but his boys were apparentlynow the best of friends. Apparently, a brush with death is quite the bonding experience. They talk for a few minutes more before she reluctantly has to end the call but not before confirming plans to see each other the following evening after their shifts.
Something of which she greatly looks forward too.
But what she imagined then for their quiet night in together, looks vastly different to the reality of what it looks like now.
This scene playing out before her very eyes never once crossed her mind.
But really, Athena should have known by ignoring her feelings and his desire to enjoy a more open relationship, that it would come back to bite her on the ass. She should have known that a blow-up was inevitable and yet, she still cast it all aside. Which had been a great mistake on her behalf, because this is the last thing she wants. Not now and not ever. But the pressure upon her shoulders feels heavier and although she understands Bobby really isn't asking for much from her or their relationship, the pressure baring down causes her to push back. Hard. What is said is true. She really is trying to do right by them, to protect them. By protecting them from her it feels like almost. People will look at them and judge based on who she is and what she's done.
Looking across at him now as he shakes his head, Athena tries to keep calm and tame the urge to push back even harder.
"I want us to be open and honest about who we are to each other, what we've found and what we are building together. I want to take you to dinner and walk down the street holding your hand."
Athena exhales lightly. "I want that too, you know that but not--"
"Right now," he finishes for her. "If not now, when?"
"Bobby--"
"It's been sixteen months. How much longer are we supposed to do this, Athena? One month more, three, six?" Bobby asks quietly, his voice full of frustration and exasperation. "Because I'm not going to be satisfied with stolen kisses and takeout containers, forever. I don't like keeping us a secret. It feels like lying."
"Why are you acting like this is some big damn surprise?" Athena frowns. Chopsticks clatter to the table. "We talked about this. When we went away, I told you how I felt. I told you what I needed." She is quick to remind him. "What happened to a few months more for a lifetime, huh?" His words are thrown back in his face childishly to make a point. "That's what you said."
"I did say that and I meant it but-- It's been four months since then Athena. How much longer do you want to do this?" Bobby shakes his head and throws up his hands. "How much longer do you expect us to sneak around like this and lie?"
"What's the difference?"
"The difference?"
"You kept your past a secret from everyone for years." The words flow out of her mouth automatically and eyes watch as his face falls before he gets up. Immediately, Athena understands the mistake made, because even though a valid point, she never intended to hurt him by bringing it up. Ever. His past isn't a pawn to be used and yet, she just used it.
Bobby shoves his hands in his pockets and turns back to Athena. "Yeah, I did, because I was ashamed of myself. I still am."
Athena swallows down the need to apologise to instead focus upon then issue at hand. "Then you more than anyone can understand why I wanted to keep this quiet."
Confusion is clear across his face as he shakes his head. "What are you ashamed of? Are you ashamed of me?"
"No." The denail is immediate and true. Bobby is the last thing she's ashamed of, but shame does exist in regards to herself and how she feels and how she worries about what others will think or say. And so with the fear rising within, the only thing available to her even though it's the wrong decision, is done. Once again, Athena pushes back hard. "But yes! Yes, I'm ashamed. I'm ashamed of us, I'm ashamed of you and I'm ashamed of being happy." The words make an overwhelming feeling of nausea rise rapidly. Even before they finish spilling from her mouth. "I told you. Its complicated." The look on his face crushes her and to say it hurts terribly would be an understatement, especially when her words are reason for that look being there. All because the fear was allowed to grow to consume her. Everything word spoken she wishes to take back but they can't. All that's left to do is fix the damage caused by her fear. Though where to begin is a minefield in itself.
Athena looks at the man across from her and the hurt is radiating from him in waves and its felt acutely.
Bobby nods slightly, still very much taken aback and struggling to process what was just said. The words were intended to hit and boy, had they done their job. "Well, I'm sorry its so complicated." He says, voice quiet and laced with hurt feelings, before he walks off toward the bedroom. "Please leave."
The two words feel like a punch to the gut, like a knife thrust deep in her heart. A heavy breath escapes as he passes behind her. The bowl in hand hits the table with a thud. Those two words hurt more than she ever imagined they could, because she never imagined him ever telling her to go. Simply because of all the times he wanted her to stay. Everytime she left his bed or his embrace to return home, where the look on his face and deep within those beautiful brown eyes had silently begged her to stay. When they both knew she never could. So to now hear Bobby tell her to leave, cuts deeply. Just as deeply as her own words of shame in regards to him, to their relationship and her happiness. Athena understands her words cut him just as deep and worst of all, they were a lie because she isn't ashamed of him or the happiness he gives her. The shame belongs only to herself. The voice inside her heads that sounds eerily like her mother. The word tramp at the forefront as well as failure. Failure to keep her man even though the fault never rested with her to begin with, same as Michael's countless affairs and the subsequent breakdown of her marriage. None of it had been her fault and yet, it feels like most people's views will be the opposite. Her own mother said as much which is why the voice inside her head taunts in the voice of her mother. Cruel and belittling, always there to remind her as if she can forget. Her mother, someone who never fails to hit the target, only this time, it feels longlasting because every insecurity takes root. Its a battle she's trying to fight to overcome and above everything, something she is or least had tried to shield Bobby from. He doesn't deserve to be tainted by any of it and yet, despite her best efforts to shield him and their relationship, in the end it had been her to hurt him. Something she never wanted to do but now has and that, above anything else, hurts most of all.
And so, with a stifling silence shrouding over the apartment, Athena sits and chides herself for being so stupid. A hand runs over her face to rest fingers to her forehead. A deep breath is taken as she collects herself. Then, upon rising from the chair, when she turns, eyes immediately find Bobby sat down on the bed. A bed that is more theirs than it has ever been solely his. Hands brace either side of him, shoulders are slumped with his head bowed. His entire being screams a picture of defeat, tension and hurt. She did that.
Feet are quiet against the hardwood floor before they pause in the doorway. "Bobby?" For a long, horrible moment silence follows and Athena truly believes he will say nothing. Then he proves her wrong.
"The first night you came here, why did you?" Bobby questions her softly, calmly, though doesn't make any effort to look at her.
The question takes her aback and it now becomes her turn to pause before formulating a response. "What are you talking about?"
"Why did you come here?" His fingers curl into the sheets. Knuckles white. "What did you want?"
The answer this time is easy and immediate. "You," Athena tells him hoarsely. "I wanted you." She remembers clearly the feelings within her heart that night. She remembers sitting in her car staring up at his building. She remembers making the best decision of her life and sharing the most amazing experience of love she'd ever experienced. "I wanted you then, just like I want you now."
Bobby finally looks at her and the expression on his face crushes her heart that little bit more. "Maybe but with conditions, right?" He shakes his head. "Secretly and with shame."
The worst thing is, the denial on the tip of her tongue would mean nothing if spoken because the conditions he spoke of, they were exactly what she used to push back against him.
"Is that really what we are, Athena?" He doesn't allow opportunity for her to answer. "After all this time and after everything we've been through to get where we are now, after all the times I had to let you go..." Bobby's voice wavers with emotion. "To hear you say you're ashamed of me and of our relationship, hurts me more than you can ever imagine."
But she can, because it hurt her just as much to say it. And she wishes to God the words hadn't been said. If going back to take them back was an option, it would be one Athena would jump at in a heartbeat.
"Bobby."
"Please, Athena. Just go." Bobby turns his gaze away from her to stare blankly into the bathroom. "Just go and maybe think again about what you want, how you want it and why."
The crushing weight upon her chest feels impossibly heavy. The panic rising only makes it feel even worse, it claws at her. Has she really screwed this up so badly by ignoring how they both feel that he's questioning their entire relationship? Has her fear stolen away everything they've built over the last sixteen months? The panic clashes with pain and the desperation to fix this. "Bobby, please baby-- we need to talk about..."
"No."
Athena wants to argue and to push but already tonight, she's pushed hard enough. Too much. So she does the only thing she can, the one thing he asked of her and walks out the door. Tears burn her eyes and a sense of overwhelming dread settles as reality sets in that she may have just broken the very best thing in her life. All because she allowed the fear of what others may think or say to overshadow the wonderful thing she's created with Bobby.
Strength is something she has always been proud to possess, but after years of going through everything Michael saw fit to put her through and the endless conversations with her mother which tore her, her confidence and every decision made apart, her strength is something that has taken an enormous battering and its allowed for a deeper vulnerability to take hold and exist. Which allowed the fear to grow to the heights it has.
Standing outside his apartment, the solid wood of his front door at her back Athena squeezes her eyes closed against the torrent of frustrated tears that wish to run free.
The time which passes as she stands there could be either significant or insignificant, it doesn't matter, what matters is with every step away later taken from his door, feels almost impossible. With every step she wants to turn around and make right her wrong. Yet knows deep down now not to be the moment because they both need time.
Time to breath, to think and to rid herself of this fear which is slowly threatening her greatest love.
Because that is exactly what they need and what life is made up of.
Time. Moments. Actions.
...... ......... ......