Chapter Text
Ch 4: Sex Is A Texas Drought
Once Arlene deemed her clean enough to go home, Lanolin got up from the plastic bag-blanket thing. This came after a very difficult 45 minutes, to say the least.
Arlene walked with Lanolin to the bus stop.
While they were walking, Lanolin whipped out her phone.
“What’s your number? I figured we should stay in contact that way.”
“I don’t have a phone. However, sometimes when it’s really cold or stormy I’ll stay with Mrs. Whitby, who I think has a smartphone.” Lanolin gritted her teeth and scowled at this.
“That sucks! It sucks that so many people don’t have access to valuable technology like cellphones just because they’re nonhuman or poor or rural. Eughhhhhhhhhh.” Lanolin snorted out of her nose with displeasure.
Arlene thought-asked, “Are you in an organization trying to fix it? That seems like a logical thing to do if you’re upset about these things.”
“I know, I post on social media and sign petitions when I’m in bed all the time, but I can’t just up and leave any of my chores to anyone else on the farm. It wouldn’t be fair, plus then I’d become too much like Orson-too bossy and insistent on being the “brains” of the group to actually put in the work. People like that bother me.”
Arlene just had one question.
“Who’s Orson?”
“Oh, Orson’s just some bossy pig who likes to read a lot over at the farm where I live and work. He has a REALLY wild imagination that sometimes sucks him in too much and sometimes sucks the REST of us in too much. We literally get sucked into Orson’s fantasies, it’s awful.”
Arlene was intrigued.
“What do you mean, the rest of you get sucked into Orson’s fantasies?”
“Well, one time he read The Scarlet Pimpernel for I swear the 8th time or something when I suddenly was transported to France hundreds of years ago, put in this puffy dress with a zillion petticoats, and had to just ooh and ahh at Orson fighting people. Pushed back my milking past 5 o’clock. Have you ever milked a cow by flashlight? I had to because the cow prefers to be milked outside, and this was December.”
Arlene thought-suggested, “I think Orson has a crush on you.”
Lanolin snorted loudly in response.
“Of COURSE he does. Why else would he cast me as his damn love interest in everything? Well, it’s not happening! I can’t STAND smug, self-superior people like him.”
Then Lanolin lowered her voice to an oh-so-rare whisper.
“And honestly, I wouldn’t want to risk making babies with him.”
“Is there anyone you’d want to make babies with, Lanolin?”
“No. Same reason why my social-justice endeavors are limited to the Internet-it would be removing me from my chores and work at the farm. And for what? Another hungry mouth who can’t even use the bathroom by themselves unless they’re taught? No thank you.”
Arlene smiled excitedly at this realization.
“Why are YOU so happy, cat?”
“I’m happy because other than Garfield, I’ve never met someone so ardently against having kittens as you are. Everyone around here says that kittens are a problem and a pain, but then they go around having sex, having them by accident anyway, and then pretending the poor kittens don’t exist.”
“Wow. Sounds awful.”
Arlene paused for a moment.
“I’ve actually been so nervous about having kittens because there’s just so much that can happen to a kitten, and it would be my fault because I was their mother who decided to have them.”
“Well, better out than in this shithole, I say.”
Lanolin continued, ”My brother actually agrees with us on the lambs thing, and he never agrees with me about ANYTHING. Hell, the rooster at my place likes to pretend he’s not a dad even though I’m pretty sure he’s fathered half the chicks there.”
“Is that why you’re looking for a female date, Lanolin, to avoid having kittens?”
“No. I mostly sleep with ewes because I like sleeping with ewes, but the instant birth control is nice.”
“Hmmm. Is it?”
“Wait, you’ve never slept with a…female before?”
“Nope. In fact, I haven’t ever slept with anyone because I’ve been so scared of having kittens.”
Lanolin had to bite her lip very hard to resist either flirting with or making fun of Arlene. She just stared at the pink cat, a tad dumbfounded.
How exactly did one live as long as Arlene without wanting to try sex even once?, Lanolin wondered.
Yeah, her brother, Orson, and Wade were all virgins who blatantly weren’t interested in sex, but they were all significantly younger than Arlene was.
Lanolin raised her hand.
“How…does one pull that sort of feat off?”
“The fear generally suppresses the desire to do anything, Lanolin,” Arlene thought-explained.
“Oh…so sort of like my friend Wade? He’s too afraid of his own shadow, let alone anything and everything else.”
Ha, Wade might stay a lifelong virgin too, thought Lanolin to herself.
“Hey we’re already at the bus stop,” Arlene thought-told her.
“I have eyes, Arlene.”
“And I have eyes that have been looking in front of us. Do you have everything you’re planning to take back home with you, Lanolin?”
“Why would I not? I’m not my brother, you know.”
With every single reference to him Arlene sort of wanted to meet this brother of Lanolin’s more and more. He sounded like a rather interesting sheep, though Arlene feared the prospect of him being even worse than Lanolin temper-wise.
Arlene elected not to say any of this, though. Her experiences with dogs and humans chasing her alike had taught her not to risk provoking people if she didn’t have to.
But Lanolin?
From how the sheep had acted today, Arlene could tell she was either too young or too hot-blooded to care about whether she provoked others or not-which was an exciting quality to find in a person, despite the cat’s misgivings with Lanolin.
The two nonhumans stood at the bus stop together in silence.
“Hey, before my bus pulls up…when did you want to meet again, Arlene?”
Now that Lanolin had forced the question, Arlene didn’t have a choice but to tell the sheep what she wanted to do for lunch on Friday, the 10th-the Friday just before Valentine’s Day.
When, surely, Garfield would be taking Penelope out for the holiday because Garfield wasn’t really fond of crowds-unless they were applauding him, of course.
That tomcat sounded worse and worse the more Arlene thought of him.
Anyways, with her lack of a cellphone Arlene knew she had to be quick to ensure another meeting with Lanolin.
“So…um, Lanolin, you know how Valentine’s Day weekend is coming up?”
“Yes…”
“Could we meet for lunch and go out to the Indian place for Valentine’s on Friday?” Arlene had eaten a very delicious fish Makhani from there a while back. And they were, for some reason, also selling heart-shaped pizza for Valentine’s Day.
“Sure! And thank you for picking Indian. That’ll make it easier for me to eat there.”
“Arlene smiled. Lanolin smiled back.
Then the bus pulled up.
Lanolin waved Arlene good-bye.
And then she climbed into the bus with a quick thought-yell of “See you on Friday, Arlene!”
Then Lanolin was gone.