Chapter Text
By the time Class B and the Support students left, it was 7 PM. Eri and Kota had been gone for hours, each of them saying goodbye in their own way—Eri with tight hugs and Kota without making any eye contact whatsoever while he thanked them for the ice cream and told them they were gross, but he was "glad that they were happy, or whatever."
Now, Katsuki was tired and hungry, and Izuku had been eyeing him nervously for over an hour, wondering when he was going to explode.
Apparently, Ashido and Ochako had been worried about the same thing, because not ten minutes after the common room was cleared of extraneous people, All Might and Present Mic showed up with fifteen extra-large pizzas, as if by magic.
"We recognized the spark of hunger-induced madness," Ochako whispered to Izuku when Katsuki stalked off to stake a claim on their slices before they were gone. "We placed the order half an hour ago."
"Good thinking," he admitted.
"We'll have cake after!" Ashido clapped, excited. Izuku rolled his eyes fondly. One-track mind, this one.
"We're very excited to eat our excessive dick cake," he assured her.
"It's not excessive! It's a completely appropriate celebration," she insisted.
"Yeah, of your love for dick," Ochako finished helpfully. Izuku shoved her.
"I don't just like dick, you know," he sighed. "I just happen to like this dick right now."
"Well, you're not allowed to break up, as I told you. So you're stuck with liking that particular dick forever," Ashido told him seriously.
"I mean yeah," he replied. "That's probably true, just based on my track record. But like...in general, dicks aren't the only thing that appeal to me."
"But your sexuality isn't what we're celebrating. Your relationship is what we're celebrating. Two dicks in love with each other's dicks," she clarified.
"We...are attracted to each other. The dicks are just a part of that."
"The word 'dick' is starting to sound weird," Ochako commented idly.
It really was. Izuku felt bad for feeling grateful when Hagakure caught Ashido's attention and pulled her away. "So much energy," he muttered, watching her practically leap onto the invisible girl.
"You're just saying that because the last 48 hours have been an exhausting mess," Ochako told him, smiling at Katsuki as he returned with not two, but three plates. "Hey, thanks!"
"Veggie, right?" he grunted, handing her the plate with two slices of vegetarian pizza before handing Izuku a plate. "Gotta learn about your food preferences if you're gonna start dating Shitty Hair." Izuku perked up, eyes snapping to Ochako. He was surprised to find her rolling her eyes.
"Seriously, we're not dating. We've just been hanging out more because of you two. Not to make it weird, but I'm still not really over Deku. I'm definitely not trying to date anyone," she explained.
Katsuki eyed her suspiciously. "You sure?"
"I also would not step on Mina's territory like that," she replied dryly. "That would just be rude."
"But stepping on mine is fine?" he snarked.
"Eat your food, cranky," Izuku scolded him, picking up a slice of pizza and shoving it into his mouth. He chewed and swallowed vindictively.
"To be fair, I had no idea that he was your territory because you're both the most emotionally oblivious morons I've ever had the misfortune to meet," she replied, unbothered. "And technically, I've liked him longer than you have, so you're the territory stepper here." Katsuki's eyes widened. "Yeah, I watched the Class B live stream, you apple. You've only officially liked him for like two months. I've liked him since I met him."
"Dibs," Katsuki growled, slinging his free arm over Izuku's shoulder and pulling him in.
"Obviously," she scoffed. "He called dibs for you because you were too chicken to do it yourself."
"Ochako, I'm all for roasting him, but he hasn't eaten yet so maybe it should wait?" Izuku piped up, taking a bite a moment later. "Provoke him after he's re-stabilized his blood sugar."
"Aye aye, captain," she replied with a mocking salute. "But yeah, Eijirou's just a really good friend, and it felt weird to keep being formal and stuff, especially since we'll probably be hanging out more" she shrugged.
"If you're sure," Izuku replied, mostly focused on his pizza by now. With everyone pulling at his attention all day, he hadn't really realized how hungry he was until he'd started eating.
"Want more?" Katsuki asked when Izuku had cleared his plate.
"I want a whole pizza," Izuku replied immediately. "But if we're eating dick cake, I should probably stop."
"Forgot about the fuckin' cake," Katsuki groaned.
Honestly, the cake should have been put in a museum or something. It was disturbing but so artistically masterful that they couldn't really be mad at it. Well, Izuku couldn't be mad at it. Katsuki could be mad at anything and everything. It wasn't super realistic—Sato had opted for a more impressionist take in his frosting work—buttercream jizz spurting out in almost Van Gogh-esque swirls.
Ashido took a picture.
"You guys are so weird," Izuku breathed, staring at the perverse confection. "I'm not cutting it."
"I'll do it," Katsuki said, picking up the knife without preamble. He made eye contact with Sato before stabbing down, severing the baked scrotum from its phallus. Sato flinched and Katsuki grinned in vindictive satisfaction, sawing through the rest to completely liberate a slice of cock cake as violently as possible.
"Completely unnecessary," Izuku scolded. "He worked hard on that, Kacchan."
"And now I'm gonna have to hear you compliment him on how pretty the dick he fed you was, Deku," Katsuki growled, eyes still fixed on Sato's shrinking form. "Just making it clear that there's a fixed limit on how long I'll tolerate that shit."
"Did you absolutely have to phrase it that way?" Izuku sighed.
And the cake was good, too. He'd gone for a solid middle ground between Izuku and Katsuki's palates—a vanilla chai sponge cake; sweet and rich but riddled with dark, warm spices.
"Don't you dare compliment him on how it tastes, Deku," Katsuki snapped, meeting Izuku's answering glare head-on. Sato smiled anyway because just knowing that Katsuki was proactively cutting off Izuku's appreciation meant that the cake was good enough to justify the concern.
"It's cake, Kacchan!"
"It's a dick cake, Deku!" Katsuki insisted. "I don't wanna hear about how good you think SugarShack's dick cake tastes!"
"You know, I'm starting to see the flaws in my logic," Ashido told Ochako quietly.
"I don't think your logic was flawed," Ochako replied. "I just think you underestimated Bakugou's possessive streak."
"Yeah, maybe."
"Eat your fucking cake or shut up!" Izuku snapped. It seemed like the long day had finally caught up to his temper, too.
"Make me!"
Izuku tossed his plate onto the coffee table with an obnoxious clatter and climbed on top of Katsuki with purpose.
"NO PDA IN THE COMMON ROOM!" Iida bellowed, but it wasn't an order, so Izuku attacked Katsuki's mouth anyways, scarred hands yanking his head into place forcefully.
"Yo, I am not down to watch you two bang on the couch," Sero protested loudly.
"This is so weird," Ojiro muttered. "Are they gonna settle all their fights like this now?"
It was a struggle to remember that their classmates had only known about them for about a day. But then again, it had only been a week so both of them were still working on wrapping their heads around the fact that they were dating.
"Guys, stop!" Kirishima insisted, sighing in relief when Izuku pulled back.
"Now eat the fucking cake and say thank you to Sato, Kacchan," he insisted, breathing a little ragged as his grip on Katsuki's hair tightened punitively.
"Fuck, fine," Katsuki rasped. "Thanks for the fucking cake, SugarTits, it was awesome," Katsuki sounded wrecked, and most of them had to look away at Izuku's grin that was filled with satisfying triumph.
"Uh...glad you liked it," Sato uttered uncomfortably.
"I can't believe we're watching Midoriya sexually dominate Bakugou in real-time," Kaminari muttered. "This is the wackest timeline."
"Separate or go upstairs, ya nasties," Sero declared. "It's Mario Kart hours."
"Uh, I think I'm gonna sit this one out, guys," Kaminari said, standing to excuse himself. Izuku eyed him in concern as he left, jolting when Katsuki gave him a little shove.
"You know you wanna go after him, so just do it, dork."
"Thanks, Kacchan. I'll be back," he smiled softly. "Kaminari, wait up!"
Kaminari paused, waiting for Izuku to catch up with his shoulders tense. "Kinda wanna be alone right now, dude."
"I get that," Izuku agreed quickly. "But I wanted to check-in, you know? About everything with Mineta, I mean."
"I'm fine. Just sucks. I just gotta wrap my head around it."
"I'm here to talk if you need it," Izuku offered. Kaminari gave him a tight, half-hearted smile.
"Nah, dude, I'm good. Go hang out," he accidentally commanded. Izuku ground his teeth against the order, determined to actually make sure that Kaminari was all right.
"Let me know if you change your mind," Izuku offered again.
"I will," Kaminari agreed. "Seriously, thanks. I just...don't wanna think about it right now." He turned back to the elevator, but Izuku wasn't done yet.
"Hey, you know you're a good friend, right?" Izuku asked quietly. Kaminari stiffened, head turning just slightly so he could warily watch Izuku in his periphery. "Even though the easiest thing to do would have been to agree with the crowd, you looked out for him when he wasn't there to look out for himself. Not many people would have done that, Denki." His muscles were starting to burn from the strain of not following Kaminari's order, but he felt like this had to be said. "But being a good friend doesn't mean that you're responsible for their actions. You did a lot to try to get him to treat his classmates with more respect, and he opted not to listen. You're not a worse friend because he's not a better person."
Kaminari stood silent, still eyeing him until the elevator jarred them both out of it. "Thanks, Mido." And then he stepped into the elevator, avoiding eye contact as he pressed the door close.
Izuku wasn't entirely comforted when he returned to Katsuki's side, but he supposed it would have to do for now. Besides that, his body was screaming in pain from holding back on an order for over a minute. "You good?" Katsuki asked, concerned at the way Izuku was wincing as he slotted himself between Katsuki's body and the arm of the couch.
"Probably," Izuku replied cryptically. "Kinda achy and sore. Might go to bed early."
"You should," Katsuki agreed. "You never fuckin' sleep. You and Eyebags are gonna be a matching set soon."
"You say the sweetest things," Izuku replied dryly. Katsuki smirked but pressed a soft kiss to his temple, slinging his arm over his shoulder to pull him in close. "You can't just be a butthead and be cute about it so that I forget. I haven't forgotten about Eri, either," Izuku scolded even as he nestled into his side.
"Hey, that shit was funny," Katsuki chuckled.
"If that hadn't worked out, Aizawa would have beheaded me. Your boyfriend would be dead, Kacchan."
"Dramatic. At most he would have made you go doubles on training," he scoffed in reply, stopping cold when Izuku winced and shifted. "Seriously, the fuck is wrong?"
Izuku glanced around to see if anyone was listening, but everyone seemed pretty enthralled with Koda trouncing Sero in Mario Kart. "Disobeyed for a little too long," he muttered. "Muscles are cramping, that's all. And my joints have been stiff since this morning."
"Jesus, you should have fuckin' said so, dumbass," Katsuki barked. "I fuckin' tackled you earlier, I could have hurt you—"
"If I had a problem I would have told you—"
"No, you fuckin' wouldn't!"
"Flirt somewhere else, gays!" Sero booed. "You're messing with the vibe!"
Izuku rolled his eyes, standing. Luckily, Sero didn't specify where he was permitted to flirt, just that it couldn't be in their current location. So he stalked forward, dragging Katsuki with him to stand directly in front of the TV. "Kacchan, there's only one thing better than your ass in those jeans—your ass out of those jeans," he recited, staring into Katsuki's face while keeping his tone completely deadpan. "Call me All Might, because I'm trying to Texas Smash."
"Oh my god," Sero groaned, burying his face in his hands as the rest of the classmates present giggled.
"You said somewhere else! This counts as somewhere else because it wasn't where we were before!" Deku huffed before turning back to Katuski, who was blushing and trying not to cackle in equal measure. "Baby, you make my heart go boom. I don't fall for just any one, so it's a good thing you're a perfect ten."
"This is so awful," Ochako wheezed.
"How long have you been saving these?" Ashido squealed. "These are way too rapid-fire to be on-the-fly!"
"Years," he answered curtly, not looking away from the fascinating way that Katsuki was squinting as though he couldn't look directly at him as his ears and neck went pink. "I can't wait to treat me like my homework by slamming you on my desk and doing you all night long—"
"MIDORIYA!" Iida's bellow terminated in a scandalized yelp. "That's entirely inappropriate—"
"Hey Kacchan, feel my shirt," he continued as though Iida hadn't spoken, grabbing Katsuki's hand and placing it right in the center of his torso so that it spanned the top of his abs and the center of his pecs. He flexed just slightly under the touch just to see Katsuki's face bloom in red. "It's made of boyfriend material."
"Damn right it is," Katsuki grumbled, covering his face with his free hand. "You're an embarrassment."
"Your embarrassment," he agreed amiably. "Are you a whale? Because we could humpback at my place later—"
"Okay, stop! Please stop," Sero pleaded. "I'm sorry for making fun of your gay fight-flirting, just have mercy!"
"Apology accepted," Izuku replied, as calm as ever even though Katsuki was still covering his eyes and blushing from the roots of his hair all the way down his neck and into his shirt. He definitely wanted to find out how far down that blush went.
"Humpback," Katsuki uttered. "Where the hell did you find a whale pickup line, I hate you—"
"Liar. And I found it on the internet."
"You are banned from the internet."
"I'm not, but nice try!" Izuku replied cheerily, leading him back to their seat since he was still hiding his eyes and navigating blind.
Once they'd settled back into the couch, Katsuki's blush had faded, and Mario Kart hours had resumed, Katsuki leaned in—clearly trying to get him off his guard—and brushed his lips across the shell of Izuku's ear. "Hey, nerd. Now that you've broken all of your bones, do you need one of mine?"
Izuku was ready for it though, leaning back to look him dead in the eye. "Yep."
Katsuki blushed again. "Goddammit."