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Sighing, Rey decided to take a break from the party and enjoy her spiked mint hot chocolate on the terrace, hoping the patio heaters placed around the cottage would keep her warm enough to stay outside for a few minutes.
The heat from the gas burning devices hitting her back as she stepped closer to the poles, she decided to take a few steps further away until she had a mix of both hot and cold air, watching the condensation from her mouth as she exhaled.
Looking around, Rey Sanders was happily taking in the winter night on New Year's Eve.
Poe Dameron's cottage in the winter resort of Hoth was always a sight to see, no matter what time in the year you visited. It was a medium sized modern house with five bedrooms, a jacuzzi and a large terrace that surrounded the entire house with lots of nooks and corners where one could find solitude and relax.
It was Rey's first time visiting the cottage in winter (they had been here during the summer for a weekend party, their first weekend together) and the difference was dramatic. Gone was the green, the scenery now dominated by white snow, from the tallest pine trees to the sole rock laying about the ground. The frozen lake shone brightly, making it perfect for ice skating if one dared to do so.
Just the way to bring in the New Year, Rey thought.
Her mind a little foggy from the prosecco she had been sharing with Rose Tico, Rey eagerly tasted her hot chocolate (a bit too spiked to her liking but hey, it was New Year’s Eve), Rey took a deep breath, hoping the next year would bring some sort of metaphorical arrow as to where her life should go
It wasn't that she wasn't happy with her life - heck, she should be grateful that everything was actually going the way it was - it's just that Rey felt something was missing and she couldn't really pinpoint what it was…
Having broken away from her life in the foster system, shedding herself of the “ foster kid ” stigma that plagued her since her parents abandoned her at a train station when she was little, Rey had managed to make a name for herself, becoming a responsible adult with a successful career.
Working in a bakery since she was eighteen under Maz Kanata’s watchful eyes (unable to afford to go to college and needing to find a way to sustain herself), she had developed a talent for baking, eventually managing to get herself a spot in a culinary school in Coruscant once she had saved up enough money in her early twenties.
At 25, she successfully became a professional baker.
As a gift, Rey received the keys to Maz’s bakery on her graduation day when the old woman decided it was time to retire. With the help of fellow hobby-baker and best friend, Finn Trooper, full time publicist at an advertising firm in the city, they managed to make the bakery thrive in Takodana. After two years, the small bakery was running successfully, Rey’s creations getting a following on social media. Expanding the business, employing a team of amazing bakers, Rey, now 28, was well on her way on becoming a successful business woman.
She had the career, the apartment, the boyfriend, the financial security, everything she could possibly have wanted when she was a young girl in the foster system of Jakku.
All in all, everything had seemingly fallen into place for Rey Sanders…
Everyone around her expected her to settle down soon, get married, eventually move to the suburbs and have kids.
She guessed it was what she wanted… Poe was wonderful, caring and all that, but...
It didn't feel one hundred percent right and somehow, at 28, Rey began to think that maybe she shouldn't be too picky and just go for it… do as everyone expects her to do or else she would end up alone, looking on as her friends fell into established lives and eventually being left behind.
It's not that she didn't love Poe…it's just that…
Well…
It just felt like settling …
They had been together for nearly a year now. It was an unexpected romance for her part. Poe had shown up at the bakery one day out of nowhere, his cheeky smile slightly breaking through her reservedness when his eyes settled on her. Once he managed to coax her name from Rey’s tongue, it was more or less a whirlwind romance. He had broken through her shell, a shell that Rey had built when she was small, when her foster families rarely displayed any feelings towards her. It’s not that she didn’t expect anyone to love her, she simply didn’t expect anyone to stick around and Poe was not an exception.
She figured he would grow bored of her at some point and was constantly surprised when he didn't. Once he became aware of her emotional baggage (the part she could share with him), he did his best to include her in any social gatherings they were invited to, to convince her that not everyone in this world was an asshole. It sort of worked as Rey became acquainted with his friends, gaining another best friend in Rose Tico who consequently began to date Finn.
Although it felt good that she was included, she felt somewhat annoyed that she was considered a 'charity case', which she knew Poe wasn’t aiming for but it sure did feel like it at times.
“Have you met my girlfriend, Rey, she’s just amazing,” he would say.
“Rey, so and so are going to the beach, they wanted you to come.”
“Paige is throwing a party and she wanted to invite you, say we can go.”
It just went on and on until Rey grew frustrated. She didn’t really need to be looked after. Poe was so eager to make her feel part of a family, a team, but at the same time, not really letting Rey decide whether she liked them or not, on her own.
Of course she wanted a family, but not like this. She wanted her own people around her, not strangers that kept her company. And she certainly did not want Poe to feel like he needed to include a 'gang' to make her feel part of something…
Deep down, besides Poe’s over eagerness, Rey knew there was something, or rather someone else, that also made her slightly uneasy about her feelings towards Poe, but she kept dismissing it as an infatuation.
Taking another gulp of her drink, Rey looked at the clear, near-midnight skies and stars, wondering if her mind would ever settle about her life.
It was then that she heard a groan nearby.
She looked around, seeing the majority of guests inside the living room, drinking and laughing. Curious, she listened closely and thought the sound came from the other corner of the terrace. Slowly, ignoring the concerns that she might be stumbling upon someone in a compromising position (it was New Year’s, after all), Rey walked towards the direction of the sound, mentally preparing to see a fair amount of human skin.
Hissing at the sub-zero temperatures as she stepped away from the patio heater, Rey carefully stretched her head around the corner and saw one Ben Solo on a sun bed, his thick legs on either side, manspreading with all his might, laying back with his arms hanging over the sides, one of them holding a half empty bottle of some dark spirit. His head lay sideways as his hair, his long dark wild hair, covered his face.
She smiled softly.
Ben Solo.
The enigmatic Ben Solo.
A very drunk Ben Solo.
She let out a small chuckle.
Probably hearing her, Ben let out a groan. "Shoot me now," he moaned pathetically.
"You are drunk as a skunk, Ben Solo," Rey laughed softly before tilting her head. "Did you drink all of that Jack by yourself?"
Ben turned his head towards her and, though Rey could see his lips pouting like that of a guilty child, she couldn't see his face, his very angular, uncommon yet very attractive face.
"Maybe…" he replied ruefully.
Sighing, Rey stepped closer to him and enjoyed the heat of another patio heater nearby, sitting down on the sunbed next to his.
"Celebrating by ourselves, are we?" she chided inquisitively.
Ben nodded his head before he threw his head back and pushed his hair back, revealing the glazed watery red eyes and the definitely strong smell of alcohol. He looked utterly miserable. "I just can't do it anymore," he said in an equally miserable, haggard voice.
"Ben, it's only New Year's Eve," she said comfortably. "All this resolution shit is just bullshit ."
"No, it's not that," Ben whined as he looked in front of him, not meeting her eye. "I just can't stand it…seeing her ." He waved his hands in front of him aimlessly. "Such a sight for sore eyes" he shook his head. "For god's sake, I can't stand seeing her there, being an utter goddess and me not being able to get on my knees and worship her like she should be."
Oh .
Rey's chest fell slightly.
Ben had a crush.
That was unexpected.
He was usually so surly and had a foul mouth. He normally never said anything, rarely bothering to answer. His reputation was so well known amongst Poe’s friends that usually everyone stayed away but the poor man in front of her was clearly eager to share his thoughts.
The fact that he was apparently lusting over a girl that wasn’t her, also hurt her ego.
It’s not that she expected everyone to like- like her, it’s just that well…for the longest of times, Rey thought that Ben Solo, in his own unique way, awoke an interest in her that went beyond just being friends and he was also the one that put her entire relationship with Poe into question…
Yet…she knew very little of him.
They met when Poe was throwing a weekend party bash at the cabin in the midst of the Coruscant summer where temperatures within the metropolis easily reached 35 degrees. Rey and Poe had been together since the spring and it was only natural for Rey to join in the festivities. She had already gotten to know Poe’s crew and attending a weekend party was a natural step in their relationship.
She had a good time even if she was nervous about meeting more of his friends, friends that eagerly tried to include her in whatever it was they were doing.
Well, almost everyone.
Ben Solo had arrived at the party on the Saturday afternoon, brazenly entering the cabin without saying as much as a 'hello' to anyone, wearing dark pants and shirt in the middle of a humid summer day. Rey, who happened to be in the kitchen at the time, jumped when he came upon the room and stopped in place when he saw her.
Poe had warned her of his friend, Ben Solo.
He didn’t go into details about their relationship, only mentioning that they grew up together on the same street since they were kids and he had gone through a lot over the years. He chuckled when he said that Ben had issues with his temper, a rough upbringing and did not have the best relationship with his parents.
“Rey, you don’t want me to get started on him, it’s a long story.”
The Organa-Solos were a well-known name in the political world of Coruscant. Rey wondered how things could be so difficult when you had a good family and money. Poe had warned her that he might not be the most talkative person on the planet and could come off as rude and that she shouldn’t take it personally. If he didn’t really interact with her or anyone, it was just the way he was and despite his temperament, he was still a good friend.
Rey thought she had been prepared in meeting this broody person but he had managed to surprise her nonetheless. She had not expected to see this man, much taller and larger than expected (but not in a bad way). She noticed the bulging muscles on his arms and the contours of his thighs in his jeans. He did look broody though, with his long dark hair that seemed to just shine on its own and a stubble that needed to be touched. His face, permanently shaped into a scowl, was unusual. He had a sharp nose, pale skin that desperately needed sun, spectres of moles, the darkest brown eyes that Rey had ever seen and red pouty lips. It seemed wrong in so many ways but was perfect when everything was blended together.
Not being one to ogle, nor one to fall for a pair of pretty eyes , Rey felt her breath leave her lungs and her chest flutter when she took in his appearance. He was very handsome.
“Uh, hi ,”she said nervously as the hand that went to grab some pre-made sandwiches in the fridge grew sweaty.
He was glaring at her, eyes locked on hers. His chest puffed in and out as his lips parted. He looked like he was ready for a kill.
“Hello,” he said in an unexpectedly dark vibrating voice that made Rey internally whimper (t he intensity in his eyes! His voice! ). He stuck out his hand and her eyes widened - they were so large . “I’m Ben.”
She jerked her hand in his direction, noting how warm it was, how it engulfed her own tiny one. “Oh, you’re Ben? Poe mentioned you,” she grinned nervously, hoping she didn’t come off like a stupid fool. “I’m Rey. Rey Sanders.”
The faint glimmer in his dark eyes suddenly faded as he abruptly let go of her hand and stepped back, his expression closing off once more, the aforementioned glare returning. “You… you’re the girlfriend ?” He asked, slight apprehension in his voice.
For a moment, she wanted to say no, because she wanted to feel the warmth from his stare once more, but it felt wrong, stupid . She was just lusting after some guy who had impressed her.
She was with Poe .
She nodded her head, almost guiltily. “Yeah, I’m his girlfriend.”
Ben stepped back, pursing his lips. “I’ll find my room,” he said coldly.
He didn’t say anything to her for the rest of the weekend (or pretty much to anyone else). Although they did not exchange any words, Rey swore she could feel him stare at her from across the room and she would be lying if she didn’t admit doing the same thing.
The same scenario repeated itself whenever they were in the same place.
Grunts, glares and faraway stares.
What Rey found peculiar, or rather, intriguing , was that despite them barely interacting with one another, he’d often seek her out, finding her whenever she decided to take a break from whatever party they were at, hiding by the stairs or the front door - anywhere she could be alone with her thoughts.
He’d find her .
Not that he actually talked to her.
He’d just be outside, smoking or checking his phone before leaving her alone.
That all changed one night, during Gwen and Dopheld’s engagement party in the autumn.
Rey, who had desperately tried to ignore him all night, found herself staring at him more often than not. He wore an exquisite black suit that simply fit his body perfectly, his hair brushed back and his dark eyes occasionally meeting hers from across the darkened ballroom.
Making an escape, she ran to the alley outside the kitchen after a peculiar conversation with Poe. Annoyed, she tried to stop thinking about Ben and tried to focus on finding a way to resolve her argument with Poe.
And then he found her.
Lighting a cigarette, he leaned against the wall near the door, watching her closely.
This time, he did not stay quiet.
“You know, you shouldn’t let others dictate who you should hang out with,” he said at one point, when she was about to return to the party.
She groaned, knowing he had probably overheard her discussion with Poe about how he was pushing her to go on a girl’s night out with Gwen, Kaydel and Jess, people she had come to know but not enough for her to call them friends .
“Poe’s just looking out for me,” Rey said apprehensive, ignoring the fact that this had been their first interaction since meeting at the cottage. He rolled his eyes.
“ Poe is just looking after me ,” she repeated forcefully, although anyone could hear the doubt in her voice. She didn’t really want to explain herself to him, a man she barely knew. She didn’t want to go into the whys and why nots , heck, she didn’t even want Poe to know, but there she was, suddenly revealing her past, her lack of family, lack of belonging.
Ben listened intently, his eyes softening, the hardness in his expression disappearing. The few times she dared to meet his gaze, his eyes were dark and soft, comforting almost, his body bent as though he wanted to appear smaller.
“You’re not alone,” he said at one point. Although knowing little about him and not really being able to explain how she knew, Rey had the feeling that Ben seemed to know how she felt.
“Neither are you,” she replied after a pause, feeling as though it was the right thing to say.
“Poe’s a good man,” he sighed sadly, as though admitting it was hard. “He’s looked after me too. He’s the only reason I’m here but that doesn’t make me friendlier, or less miserable than I usually am.” He let out a dry laugh. Throwing the butt of his cigarette on the floor before stepping on it, he raked a hand through his hair. “I’ve made lots of mistakes in my past, made wrong decisions, burnt way too many bridges, but Poe always stood by my side.”
“Is that the reason you’re here? I mean, the reason you show up?” She guessed, raising an eyebrow.
He nodded his head. “I owe him. Me coming to these things is just a way to thank him for not allowing me to be a social hermit I guess.” He shrugged again, before he told her of his troubled teenage life fucking around and creating havoc in school until he got sent off to a disciplinary school where everything worsened until he hit rock bottom and climbed out of the gutter with the help of Poe. She listened intently, finally able to piece together the morsels of information she had gotten from Poe.
“But it doesn’t make me any friendlier, just maybe less angry?” He shrugged. “As often as I attend these events, I wouldn’t call the majority of the people my friends … just people that I know through Poe and I've told him many times already, he can’t make anyone like me nor should I expect them to like me . I just want it to be mutual. I want to find my people on my own.”
“That's what I want too,” she said in one breath.
Their eyes met once again and somehow, for a moment, the area around them brightened, everything felt like it made sense. The corner of his mouth curled into a weak, hopeful smile as though, for a moment, two broken people bonded over some mutual understanding. Rey felt something wet in the corner of her eye.
The moment had been broken by several other guests joining them. It was only then they realised they had moved closer to each other, their hands nearly touching.
Rey returned to her table, flustered, ignoring Ben for the rest of the night, despite their eyes following one another.
Their interactions continued, as brief as they were, never bordering into something that might be considered deceitful to Poe or anyone else.
A part of Rey wondered if there was something else that might be looming between them, but somehow, the fear of losing Poe, the fear of being alone again, made her confused.
Not that it should matter anymore, because apparently Ben liked someone else .
"I think it's the first time I've heard you speak of someone so nicely, Ben," she said, trying to stay neutral, not wanting him to feel ashamed of his feelings nor making her jealousy apparent.
"I can’t find anything wrong with her. She's so fucking cute," he said, haggardly. Clearly, the Jack had loosened his tongue. "She has the most bright eyes, she literally lights up the room. She's absolutely perfect and but she must think me a monster with the way I answer her sometimes."
"Well, as long as you're not deliberately being an asshole, I think she'd understand. I mean, you usually grunt whenever you talk to me or say hi but I don't usually take offense to it. I just think you're a bit more… reserved .”
She knew there was no point mentioning the exchange at the engagement party which neither of them ever brought up. Sometimes she thought the conversation had been a figment of her imagination but his faraway glances afterwards convinced her that it had been very real.
"Exactly," Ben pouted as he fell back on the sun bed and closed his eyes, his face drooping.
Rey muffled her chuckle, finding it interesting that Ben would be so struck by a girl. Whoever she was, she must be something (and lucky).
The midnight air grew colder and as she glanced down, she figured he had fallen asleep, his chest falling up and down softly at a regular pace until he suddenly sat up in the chair and groaned pitifully.
Rey took a sip of her lukewarm drink and sympathized with Ben. There was nothing worse than unrequited love.
"I doubt she'd want to see you all destroyed like this," Rey said softly. "You might freeze to death if you keep up at this pace."
Ben grimaced. "You just don't know anything about her….or else you wouldn't be saying this."
Knowing she should just probably stop the conversation and get him safely inside the cottage, Rey quirked a brow, slightly jealous and curious. "Tell me then, about this girl who's got your panties in a twist."
"She's just wonderful.” His eyes wrinkled as he smiled, a rare genuine smile. “I mean, I knew she was special the first time I saw her and it killed me to know that she was taken already because finally, I thought finally I had met the girl of my dreams.”
"Aw, Ben. I mean, even if the girl's taken, it doesn't mean she's off limits," Rey encouraged.
"I know, I know, but I was so scared I was going to scare her off because the more I got to know her, the more I knew she was perfect. I just know if i spent more time with her then I would probably just let the truth out and she would think I was a creep," he whimpered dejectedly.
"She would probably think you were sweet," Rey replied, hoping her voice didn’t reveal the sadness she felt.
"Yeah. Some sweet asshole who's trying to steal her away from her boyfriend. I couldn't do that…as much as I think the world of her, I can’t…” Ben huffed sadly before waving his hands all over the place. “So here I am, on freaking New Year's Eve, crying my heart out because she'll never be mine. I'm a miserable son of a bitch. I really am. Hung up on this girl with the cutest nose and a small little ass I wouldn't mind putting my hands on and squeezing it tight," he chuckled, suddenly inspired. Taking another swig, Ben swung his arms around and faced her. He smiled drunkenly, the grin on his face all soft. "You should see how hard I've gotten when I've seen her wearing those yoga pants or a crop top" he groaned as his lip curved into a goofy smile. "Her tits … I know her boyfriend complains they're small but oh ." He hissed and looked up at the night sky, grinning as he probably remembered the moment. "That day when she showed up in that bikini, the top barely covering those sweet, sweet rosy peaks." He bit his lip. "I totally jacked off in the bathroom, I couldn’t help it. They're small but I swear, I swear they fit my hand and I know I could fit all of it in my mouth."
Rey rolled her eyes, hiding her jealousy that a girl would make him so unlike him, so raw, so vulnerable, reduced to a simple man with urges. "Really, Ben,” she said, unimpressed. “She might be small and tiny but she's definitely worth more than her looks."
"Oh of course, of course,” he bobbed his head eagerly. “She bakes. She's good at baking and she's so smart and so feral. You should see how angry she got at that lady that cut the line at the grocery store. She totally bit her head off but she was so cute, like a little angry prairie dog." He brought his two fingers in front of him, as though he was trying to imitate a prairie dog, Rey guessed, but it looked more like a rabbit of some kind.
Frowning, Rey thought she'd heard the story before but couldn’t really remember from where. She could easily relate as she always got angry at anyone cutting the line, she would literally tell off anyone that would attempt it, even if it was a sweet old lady.
"She sounds wonderful, but Ben, just because she has a boyfriend, it’s not all lost. I know you’re not a homewrecker but the best of us can’t help liking the people we like, I mean.” Rey knew he might forget everything that she was saying, everything he was saying because of the alcohol, but she might as well encourage him. That’s the least she could do. It wasn’t every day Ben Solo fell hard for a girl. “Don’t give up so easily. Talk to the girl, she might appreciate it. And if you tell her all the nice things you told me - but please, don’t tell her you had to, you know, scratch an itch - she might surprise you. Believe me, any girl loves to feel like a guy is worshipping her.”
Ben pouted sadly and he lifted his head, his eyes getting more glassy. The alcohol was getting to him. She checked her clock. It was eleven thirty, only half an hour until New Year’s and Ben was well on his way to passing out into it. His head drifted from side to side and his legs were just falling on both sides of the sun bed. Weaving slightly, he closed his eyes, a saddened frown passing over his face.
“I can’t do it… I can’t just barge in… I mean, she looks so happy with him and he’s my friend even if I wish he was dead sometimes,” he lamented. Rey’s heart squeezed in sympathy, the utter hurt in Ben clearly visible. Her heart went out to him.
“He’s…he’s good for her,” he said before he laid back on the bed. “And she makes him happy… well… I don’t know if he makes her happy happy. I’d get down on my fucking knees and lick her to happiness if I could but I’m pretty sure he does something similar…” He stuck his tongue out and shook his head, as though washing away the thought. “ No , I don’t want to think about that, about them like that… It doesn’t matter… man, am I wasted.” His eyes suddenly grew big as he looked around himself, probably not sure of where he was. “Look… I just can’t. He’s such a good friend and I couldn’t do it. I promised myself not to do anything to her… and it hurts .” He began to sniff before he laid back, sobbing quietly. “She's an angel, a beautiful angel and even if I should hate her for having me feel like a desperate fool, I can't. Her eyes, her hair, that cute little body that I know would fit just perfectly by mine.” He buried his hand in his face. “I’m done for, I’m never going to be happy. I’m so pathetic …”
Rey frowned sadly and wanted to lean over and touch him, give him a hug or something to make him feel better. Her heart broke that he would be reeling over a girl like that. She’d never seen him so caught up in anything or be so open about his feelings. It must be hard for him to see this mystery girl with her boyfriend, knowing she was right there in front of him and out of his reach. Biting her lower lip, she leaned over and touched his hand that was laying over his stomach.
It was so warm even if the heat from the patio heater didn’t reach the sun bed. His hands felt just like the time they met last summer: soft and warm. She smiled when her hand still fit perfectly in his. She dared to sit on the same sunbed when Ben became still, his sobs quietening.
This isn’t any way to start a New Year, she thought sadly.
She stared at the man, sleeping soundly, his chest softly rolling up and down. He was such a giant, a gentle giant despite his grumpy exterior.
Looking at him, Rey wondered what feelings, what dreams he held inside for himself, not letting anyone into them. She knew it was wrong, the wrong time, the wrong situation, and she might just be taking advantage of his drunken love-stricken stupor but at least, she finally got a glimpse of the real Ben Solo and she liked it.
He was a softie, a real one. No one could have described an unrequited crush with such lovely manners as he had. Okay, she willingly chose to ignore some of his rather livid descriptions but hey, that didn’t erase the fact that the man was completely under the girl’s spell.
The girl, whoever she was, was pretty damn lucky.
She reminded herself to look around, see if she could find anyone who could match her descriptions.
Tiny, small boobs, looks good in yoga pants, that’s not a lot to go by.
Her thoughts broke when she heard Ben muttering, his face turning slightly towards her.
“Still awake?” She cooed, biting her lip and daring to pass a hand through his sweaty hair. It was so silky.
His glassy and reddened eyes barely opened.
He huffed.
There was a sudden explosion of chants and hooting. Rey quickly pulled her phone; it was ten minutes away from the new year.
She should be returning to Poe.
Regretfully, she pulled her hand away from Ben’s hair and reminded herself to make sure to get Hux and Snap to come over and take him to his room once it was past midnight, lest Ben froze from a broken heart and overconsumption of alcohol.
“Maybe things will make better sense tomorrow, Ben.” Rey looked longingly at him before she got up, knowing their moment together was coming to an end. “Happy New Year.” She was about to turn around when she heard him shuffle on the bed.
“Wait,” he said half-asleep.
Rey kneeled down next to him. “Yes?” She hoped he wouldn’t go on another rant over how hot the girl was.
“Please don’t tell Poe,” Ben pressed, his eyes mostly closed, his voice raw.
“No, of course I won’t tell him if you don’t want me to but I think he’d be really supportive,” Rey said, confused.
“And please don’t tell any of this to Rey,” Ben continued, somewhat fearful.
Her back growing cold, Rey raised an eyebrow. “Why not?” her voice was but whisper.
“Because…” Ben sighed sleepily. “I’m hopelessly in love with her.