Archive of Our Own ^beta

It had been a long, horrible day. One, Alec was sure, gave him a few new recurring nightmares. The archer was exhausted all the way to his bones, but also so tense that he couldn't fall asleep.

It could've all ended so much worse. If the rescue came slower… If Magnus cracked under the torture… Or if Iris's final, furious attack hit Magnus's head instead of stomach…

Alec would've never, ever said as much out loud to his boyfriend. But that day proved more tangibly than anything just how vulnerable Magnus was without his magic. It scared Alec out of his mind.

With enemies like Iris, who could infiltrate the powerless warlock's home and kidnap him in the middle of a street, in front of the eyes of two Shadowhunters… Of course Alec knew that whatever training he'd give Magnus, it wouldn't be enough protection. But he couldn't give back his boyfriend's magic, no matter how desperately he would've wanted to. He couldn't heal the injuries Magnus sustained. So he'd have to settle for what little he could do to make them both feel better. It was something he physically needed to do. Especially after the day's second and even more haunting realization.

He wasn't able to keep Magnus safe.

He was there when Magnus was taken. He was only steps away when Iris's fury slammed the man he loved to the ground. Nothing in his whole life had ever made him feel so powerless.

It could've easily ended so much worse, but it didn't, Alec reminded himself firmly.

Because Magnus was still alive. Right there in his arms. They were tangled together, connected body and soul in a way Alec had missed terribly since the warlock gave up his magic. (Apparently they both needed to be held after the day's close call. Or perhaps Magnus's earlier honesty finally demolished an invisible barrier that'd been between them while they both tried to cope with everything that'd happened.)

"You're thinking awfully loudly."

Alec couldn't help but smile. He kissed his boyfriend's head, which was buried to the crook of his neck. "And you're supposed to be sleeping. Do you want me to text Catarina and tattle that you're being a naughty patient?" He let his fingers play lazily with Magnus's hair, marveling how soft it felt. It was better comfort than anything else to have the older man melt to the touch with a noise that reminded him of purring. "Do you… want to talk about it?" he offered cautiously. Unsure how much more he'd be able to coax his beloved into opening up in one day.

Magnus huffed. "Do you?" the man countered. "Your heart's still beating fast."

Alec swallowed thickly. Suddenly he was glad that they weren't eye to eye, because a lump formed in his throat. "I could've lost you today", he whispered hoarsely.

Magnus gave him a gentle squeeze. "But you didn't."

Alec shook his head. He wasn't ready for words of consolation just yet. "I… I could've lost you." He tortured himself with those words once more before his mind was ready to move on. "Even though I did everything I could…" He snapped his mouth closed, catching his own words.

Magnus didn't shudder or tense up. Instead breathed, the exhale deep and heavy. "I know the feeling", the warlock pointed out quietly. "When I tried to use my magic against Iris to keep her from taking Madzie… And when I couldn't heal you, while you had an arrow in your…" The older man trailed off, the memories hurting too much. "I could've lost you, too. Both of you. But I didn't."

Alec tightened his hold on his boyfriend. Tried to offer them both reassurance. "Is it enough?"

Magnus shrugged. It was a gesture of frustration and defeat. "It has to be."

The bizarre, broken and in many ways wrong new normal of a life without magic… It'd have to be enough. At least for now. (Alec still refused to believe that it was permanent, because that hope was the only thing keeping guilt from swallowing him whole.)

They lay quietly in each other's arms, deep in thought. In the end Alec cut the silence when his thoughts got too loud once again. "So… Are you going to tell me what's keeping you awake?" He regretted asking when the body in his protective embrace tensed up.

Magnus kept his quiet for so long that it was unnerving. "The memories Iris forced me to relive… Some of them were… painful. And… I'd rather not face the nightmares yet."

It was Alec's turn to stiffen when he remembered the excruciating aftermath of the agony rune. Along with a million restless nights and mornings when he woke up to an empty bed. "How can I help?" He was so done with being useless…!

"You're already doing it, Alexander." Magnus moved his head to make them meet each other's eyes. "You being here…" The warlock touched his own temple briefly. "… and here… Right now it's all the help I need. Just like when I was captured by Iris."

Alec blinked once. Surprised. "What do you mean?"

Magnus smiled. It was tiny and fragile, held more than a hint of sadness. But it was honest. "Memories of you were among those I used to strike back. Because… They were the ones that kept me going. Reminded me to fight. If I was strong… It's because I found strength from you." There was a brief pause. "'Why wouldn't I? Look what I have waiting for me.' I meant it. A…" Magnus cleared his throat and looked away, pain loud and clear in his eyes. "… dear, old friend once told me that when love comes back to me… I must do everything in my power to fight for it." Their gazes met and held. Like two ships adrift on a stormy sea finding one another. "So I will. For as long as I can."

Alec kissed Magnus hungrily. He didn't think he'd ever wanted to kiss his boyfriend more. Perhaps Magnus agreed, because this time the warlock didn't break free or resist. They were both lost, scared and helpless. But at least for a few moments of serenity they could be lost in each other.

"I love you."

"I love you, too."

Alec knew that the talk wasn't a magic cure, for either of them. Magnus was still struggling horribly, the Shadowhunter felt it with every fiber of his being. Especially after that day's events. And the archer still didn't know what to do to help. Wasn't convinced that anything he actually could do was enough. But they both felt marginally better and safer.

"Are you just sweet talking me so I'd go easy on you during our first training session?" Alec teased. Needing to try and lighten the mood. He frowned when there was no reply. "Magnus?"

Experiencing a sharp moment of panic, Alec opened the eyes he closed during the kiss. A smile appeared to his lips. Magnus was asleep in his arms, appearing calm and comfortable, even if only for a few stolen minutes.

Alec tightened his hold as much as he dared to and stayed awake. Kept watch. Because if him simply being there was what Magnus needed… Then that was what he'd give.

And it was enough, at least for now.