Archive of Our Own ^beta

Namjoon couldn't remember a single moment in his life when it had been more difficult to hold back his tears. Not on stage. Not when accepting awards. Not even from physical pain. But listening to Jungkook bare his soul, watching him cry and suffer right in front of him was absolutely heartrending. He held on as long as he could. His head ached from the tension of trying to keep a calm expression. The inside of his cheek was bitten raw in his attempt to keep his lips from trembling. His throat had seized up, tight to the point of pain in an effort to make no sound. 

He watched the tears stream from his youngest friend's eyes, watched him struggle to get his words out, watched him shake and grow too weak to hold himself up any longer. Namjoon wanted, needed, so badly to hold him and comfort him and try to calm him down, but now that Jungkook was finally talking and expressing his feelings unhindered, Namjoon feared that any move on his part would do more harm than good.

He knew that Jungkook had been hurting because of them. Because of him. But actually hearing it was so much worse than he ever thought it would be. Realizing just how deeply Jungkook's pain ran, hearing him say aloud how betrayed he felt and how frightened he had been because of them made Namjoon's heart feel like it was collapsing in on itself. It should never be that way. They were his hyungs, they were supposed to be his support, his safe place. His protectors.

No, we were protecting him that night. We did the right thing. 

"...I was so happy. I thought it was all over." Jungkook's voice was cracking, muffled slightly by the arms covering his face. The skin of his neck was flushed pink from fever and emotion, his chest heaving erratically as he tried to force his words out. "But then... then you tied my hands together and wouldn't let me go..."

Should I have put him down? The nurses did say we might've had time...

"...and I was trapped again, and I couldn't get down..."

No, there was no way for us to know how much time he had, we had to play it safe.

"...I was so scared and felt so horrible. But the worst part was that you were all there and you weren't helping me."

Was I wrong to just assume we knew better than Jungkook in that situation? No, Jungkook couldn't have known what was best. He was confused and disoriented. 

"It was like you suddenly didn't care about me. It was terrifying. I felt like I was all alone again, like I had to fend for myself. But I couldn't."

Tears began to slide over Namjoon's cheeks without his permission as self-doubt gnawed deeper and deeper into his gut. Should I have tried better to help him understand instead of just forcing him to endure it?

"It hurt so much. How could you do that to me?"

The words pierced like sharpened daggers straight through his heart. It was the question that Namjoon hadn't stopped asking himself since the moment Jungkook passed out panicking and crying on his back that night in the cold, harsh forest. 

He had yet to find an answer. Perhaps there was a part of him that didn't want an answer, that knew there was no answer that would soothe Jungkook's hurt or ease his own guilt. 

The storm outside was loud and insistent, but all Namjoon could hear was the gentle, miserable sobbing coming from one of the people he loved most in the world. Remorse and sorrow pulled at him, heavy and overwhelming, pushing all thought from his mind except for one:

You did this to him.

Jungkook peered fearfully at him from between his arms, his eyes shimmering with tears that reflected the golden hall light and the flickering lightning. He looked so lost, so hurt, so broken. When their eyes met, Jungkook only seemed to grow more upset and he hid his face again. He started to roll away from him and Namjoon's body acted purely on instinct, moving to his knees and grabbing Jungkook's arm to stop him. 

Stop forcing him. 

He instantly released his grip, but Jungkook stayed on his back and didn't try to turn away again. 

"Jungkook-ah?" Seokjin called, reminding Namjoon of their presence on the other end of the phone. "Jungkook-ah, we're so sorry. Jungkook?"

Their maknae just kept crying and sniffling and gave no indication of trying to answer, or even being capable of it.

"Namjoon, are you there with him?"

Namjoon's throat felt closed off still, constricted and aching. He feared that if he tried to talk he would be reduced to sobbing as well.

"Namjoon!" Yoongi's voice cut in. "Fuck, how far away are we?"

"I don't know, like ten or fifteen minutes maybe?" Hoseok answered tensely.

Namjoon reached forward again, briefly touching Jungkook's chest before pulling away. He was overheating badly, his black shirt still damp with sweat. 

"Hyung, I'm so sorry," Jungkook whimpered shakily. "I didn't want to say any of that. I never wanted to say that. I'm sorry."

Namjoon shook his head in denial even though Jungkook couldn't see him. 

"I really didn't want to say that, I don't know why I did. I'm so sorry, I didn't want to hurt you."

The cold stone of guilt in his stomach grew heavier in realization. He said it because Namjoon provoked him to it. Because Namjoon had self-righteously assumed, yet again, that he knew what was best for Jungkook's well-being and then taken advantage of his friend's mentally and physically weakened state and pushed him to say things that he clearly hadn't wanted to say. 

Jungkook should have been able to choose when and how he expressed his feelings.

He swallowed past the lump in his throat and took a chance, laying his fingers into Jungkook's palm where his arms were crossed over his face. He expected his friend to pull away or at least not respond, but instead Jungkook closed his hand around Namjoon's, holding on tightly as though he was afraid Namjoon would leave him. Namjoon immediately squeezed back and ran his other hand up and down Jungkook's arm and shoulder in what he hoped was a reassuring manner.

"...-okay that you said all that," Seokjin was saying, his voice sounding distant and small over the hum of the van. "It's probably good actually. You always bottle things up. It's good to let that stuff out... Jungkookie?"

Jungkook was just shaking his head and sniffling while their oldest member spoke. 

"Namjoon, seriously, you're with him, right?" Yoongi said, a little sharply. 

Namjoon wiped a few of his tears away with a shaking hand and tried to clear his throat.

"Jungkookie, are you all alone th-"

"No, he's here," Jungkook responded, his voice rough and wavering heavily. "It's okay, he's here with me still." He lowered his arms a little bit to look at Namjoon again. He looked so unsure, like he feared he had driven Namjoon away forever. It was both endearing and heart breaking. 

Namjoon gently pulled Jungkook's arms all the way down, ready to let go at the slightest resistance, and brushed some of the tears from under his friend's reddened eyes. Jungkook just stared up at him, lips and chin quivering and tears continuing to leak out with every blink of his eyes. 

"I'm so sorry, Kookie," Namjoon finally managed to croak out, his voice low and cracking embarrassingly. He saw one of his own tears drip from his chin to land on the collar of Jungkook's t-shirt. "I'm so sorry I hurt you like that. You trusted me and I betrayed you."

Jungkook immediately started shaking his head again. "No, don't. You didn't do anything wrong, I know you didn't."

"Yes I did, Kook, you trusted me and needed me to help you and I didn't. I forced you to do stuff you didn't want to do."

"But you did the right thing."

"It still hurt you, though."

Jungkook's eyes quickly darted away and Namjoon ran his thumb over the back of his friend's hand. 

"Don't feel guilty or ashamed for feeling hurt."

"It's stupid though. I know that you guys did everything right." Jungkook kept his eyes averted and began to chew self-consciously on his bottom lip.

Namjoon let out a small, wet laugh. "Did everything right? We made so many mistakes. You were right when you said we had no idea what we were doing. We were all just so scared of losing you. We just sort of... I don't know. We panicked and fought with each other, and... well. We didn't know what we were doing."

"You saved my life though. It's so embarrassing and stupid to still feel hurt."

"Why? We were hurting you at the time."

Thunder rumbled through the clouds, rattling the windows slightly before fading into the distance. Jungkook searched his eyes for a moment before furrowing his brow and glancing away again.

"Right?"

Jungkook swallowed and pressed his wobbling lips into a thin line. A few tears slid out and then he nodded ever so slightly in affirmation. Fondness blossomed in Namjoon's aching heart and he couldn't help a soft smile. He ran his fingers through Jungkook's bangs where they had been stuck to his forehead and then laid his hand on the side of his head.

"I'm so, so sorry, Jungkook. I'm so sorry we did that to you. I'm sorry I didn't listen to you and I'm sorry I didn't put you down when you needed me to." He put the tiniest amount of pressure under his hand in the hopes that he could draw Jungkook's gaze back to him and was encouraged when their maknae turned to meet his eyes. "I'm sorry we tied your hands and trapped you again and scared you even more than you were before. I'm sorry we forced you to keep the coat on even though it was painful for you."

Jungkook opened his mouth briefly and Namjoon feared he would start trying to refute him again, but after just a few seconds he closed it, remaining silent. 

Finally.

Finally he was letting Namjoon apologize, something they had both needed for a long time.

"I'm sorry we didn't try harder to help you understand what was happening. I'm sorry we made decisions about you without taking your wishes into consideration. I'm sorry we ignored you. I'm sorry we acted like we didn't care."

Round bambi eyes stared at him quietly, intimidatingly vulnerable now that he was letting Namjoon say what he wanted to say. 

He'd always had a mystifying ability to go from stubbornly withdrawn to completely and utterly unguarded almost instantaneously. It was something Namjoon had always loved about him, but he would be lying if he said it wasn't also just a bit frightening. When Jungkook dropped his guard he dropped it all the way, as though he forgot that his heart was something that should be protected. 

It made Namjoon's guardian instincts kick into high gear and was perhaps one of the reasons why he, why all of them, tended to feel over protective of their youngest. He hadn't experienced the heart breaks and betrayals and harshness of a typical high school or young adult experience. He had spent those years instead surrounded by the six of them, who he found completely trustworthy, and rightfully so. But one of the side effects of that upbringing was this almost naive side of him, gullible and ready to believe whatever was said.

Namjoon could say anything he wanted to him right now and it would be accepted as fact. He was so trusting, even now. It was a heavy responsibility, but one that Namjoon wouldn't trade for anything. 

He moved his hand from the side of Jungkook's warm head down to the back of his neck and rubbed it gently.

"I'm sorry we yelled and fought with each other in front of you and talked over you. We made it so much worse. You must have been so much more confused and scared, and it didn't have to be that way. If we had spent less time arguing and more time talking to you, we might have been able to help you understand."

Jungkook's gaze was unwavering, eyes so dark they were almost black yet still somehow able to reflect all the light in the world. 

Just four days ago, Namjoon had feared those eyes would never open again. Just four days ago, Namjoon had been rubbing the back of his neck much like he was doing now, though far less gently, and calling to him in a desperate attempt to wake him up. His skin had been cold and pale then. Dirty and bloody. 

They had come so close to losing him forever.

Namjoon didn't realize he had started crying again until fat tears began to drip down onto Jungkook's shirt and his young friend's face began to screw up with emotion in response to his own. 

"I keep making you cry!" Jungkook burst in distress. 

Namjoon dropped his forehead onto Jungkook's chest and let out a half laugh, half sob, holding tightly onto his hand. "I'm not crying for me, Kookie, I'm crying for you."

When he felt arms wrap around his head, he finally gave in to what he had been longing to do from the beginning and pushed his hands under Jungkook's warm, sweaty back, lifting him just enough to envelop him in a full embrace. 

"I'm so sorry, Jungkookie." His throat was constricting again but he managed to get the words out, squeezing Jungkook as tight as he could. "I'm so sorry for everything I did to you."

"It's okay, hyung," Jungkook was quick to answer, sniffling and tucking his head into Namjoon's neck. His arms were linked behind Namjoon's back. "I forgive you."

"I'm so sorry that ever happened to you. You don't deserve it. And we made it so much worse."

"It's okay."

"I didn't even think of calling an ambulance. You could have gotten help so much sooner. It's not fair that you had to go through all that."

"Hyung, it's okay."

"I was so afraid of losing you." He pulled Jungkook even tighter against him and felt his friend's fingers curl into the back of his sweatshirt. "I messed up so badly. And I just keep messing up and I don't know how to fix it."

"It's okay," Jungkook said more softly. His hand began to move in soothing little circles over Namjoon's back. "You don't have to fix anything. We're okay, everything is okay."

Namjoon squeezed his eyes shut and let himself cry, no longer able or caring to try and stay strong. All of the self hatred he had been carrying leaked out in his tears, eyes stinging and breath catching in his throat. The fear of losing Jungkook, the fear of damaging their relationship beyond repair bubbled straight to the surface and he let it. Jungkook just kept rubbing his back as he cried, sometimes scratching it lightly up and down. 

"Everything is okay now," his maknae whispered into his ear, his voice sweet and caring. "You saved my life, hyung. Everything you did is why I'm still here. I love you."

The words felt like warm caramel spreading over his heart, filling in the cracks and divots and then sinking deep in. 

"You're always here for me, hyung. I know you love me and only ever want me to be safe and happy."

Namjoon nodded his head quickly against Jungkook's and felt his friend smile. He let himself cry for a just little longer, holding Jungkook close against him and rocking him ever so slightly until he was able to push his sobs down into sniffles. When he had regained enough control of himself, he realized that Jungkook was breathing heavily and trembling from the strain of trying to hold on to him. His arms were shaking around Namjoon as though about to give out but like the little soldier he was, he was refusing to let go until Namjoon did. 

Namjoon quickly laid him back down on the floor and pulled away, dabbing at his eyes with his sleeve. "Sorry," he murmured, and Jungkook gave him a weak smile. A new sheen of sweat had broken out on his forehead and it dawned on Namjoon that being wrapped in his warm embrace while already feverish must have been extremely uncomfortable. Not to mention that his leg had to have been in pain that whole time. 

"Stay," Namjoon said, and rose to his feet, knees creaking and aching from being planted on the hardwood for so long.

"Hyung..."

"Stay." He went to the kitchen, grabbing a few dish towels and rummaging in the freezer for ice or anything cold that he could find.

"It's not like I'm going to crawl away," he heard from down the hall. 

He put a bunch of ice cubes into a zip lock bag, using the time to breath deeply and continue to calm himself down, then deposited the ice on Jungkook's chest along with a bag of frozen peas and the towels before going into the bathroom and then the bedroom. He brought back a pillow, a roll of toilet paper, and a waste bin. 

He helped lift Jungkook's head and shoulders far enough to tuck the pillow under him and couldn't help giving his head an extra little scratch with his fingers before pulling away.

"Do you want some cold water, or gatorade, or anything like that to drink?"

Jungkook shook his head, already blowing his nose on the toilet paper.

"I don't suppose you want anything to eat?"

Jungkook closed his eyes and shook his head more vehemently, then sniffed and tossed the scrunched up toilet paper in the waste bin. He dabbed his face and neck with one of the towels and arranged the bag of ice on his forehead. He seemed happy to leave the peas on his chest. Finally he closed his eyes, going still with a long, exhausted sigh. 

Namjoon sat next to him and blew his nose as well. The rain continued to patter against the roof above them and the gutters clunked rhythmically in their attempts to keep up with the water gushing through them. 

"Thanks," Jungkook said quietly after a few moments. 

"You're welcome."

"For everything." Jungkook looked toward him and moved his hand a little closer, opening it. Namjoon took it in his own and Jungkook laced their fingers together. "Thank you for doing what you did, even though it really sucked for me at the time."

Jungkook's bad leg was bent, his knee resting against the wall, and he reached his other hand down to squeeze at his thigh with a wince and Namjoon couldn't help but wince with him. There was already a new stain in the gauze around his calf. "I'm only alive at all because you guys found me and took care of me. And hyung?"

"Yeah?"

"I'm sorry for only making things harder for you this whole time. It must have been really difficult to make decisions like that and all I did was fight you the whole time."

"It's okay, Kookie, I probably would have too in your position."

Jungkook looked back to the ceiling and then closed his eyes. The corners of his lips twitched upward ever so slightly. "You're such a good person."

Namjoon snorted and laid down on his back next to him, using his free arm as a pillow behind his head. The hardwood floor was cool but sticky with humidity. 

"Really. You're such a good leader. You're so smart. And you're really strong. Like... mentally. I mean physically too, because you carried me for a long time. You must have been really sore after that. You're so selfless."

Namjoon felt a blush rapidly creep up on him as Jungkook continued to babble praises at him. The combination of the fever and of finally releasing the choke hold he'd had on his feelings seemed to have really done a number on his verbal filter. 

But then he went quiet and Namjoon turned to look at him. His face was tense and he was gripping his thigh again. He let go of Namjoon's hand to move the ice from his forehead and held it against the side of his neck. Sweat and condensation from the bag trickled over his temples and into his hairline as he moved it.

"I just want to feel normal again," he murmured, and Namjoon felt a pang of sadness and sympathy. "I'm so tired of having fevers and feeling sick. I'm tired of always being tired. I hate this stupid house. I hate this." He hit his thigh lightly with his fist. "I want to walk around on my own again without it hurting all the time. I want to take showers instead of baths. I want to go home."

"I really want those things too, Kookie," Namjoon replied softly.

"Guys?" Jungkook suddenly turned his face toward the phone, where it still lay near his head.

"Yeah, Jungkookie?" Yoongi answered.

"Did you guys call the ambulance?"

"Yeah, Kookie, we did. It should get there not long after we do."

"Okay." Jungkook glanced at Namjoon and then closed his eyes again. "Okay, thank you."

"You're welcome."

"I'm sorry."

"It's okay."

"It was stupid of me to say I didn't want one."

"Sorta yes but mostly no."

"...what?"

The call went dead and Jungkook turned questioningly at Namjoon but then they heard the front door opening, followed by the rustling of several bodies entering and bags being put down. The sound of pouring rain increased briefly and then dulled as the door was closed again. 

Taehyung appeared in the hallway first, looking like he had walked fully clothed through a waterfall. He came toward them, dribbling water the whole way, and Namjoon backed away from Jungkook to let Taehyung sit down next to him. Their second youngest didn't say anything but his eyebrows were furrowed in worry and he used the cuff of his jacket to try and wipe the sweat from Jungkook's forehead, apparently oblivious to the fact that all he was doing was smearing rainwater on him. The other members filtered into the hallway behind him.

"Oh my god, stop," Jungkook said with a fatigued but good-natured chuckle, turning his face away. Namjoon handed Taehyung one of the dishtowels instead, who took it gratefully and used it to dab at Jungkook's face and neck. Jungkook made a face but Namjoon could tell he liked the attention.

"I know Jungkook-ah has a high temperature right now, but you should really use a stove if you are looking to cook those peas," Seokjin said, staring down at them. 

Jungkook touched the frozen peas on his chest with a tired smile. "I'm trying to make dinner."

Yoongi went straight to Jungkook's feet to take a look at his leg and Jimin laid a hand on his forehead. Namjoon half expected Jungkook to grow self conscious and push them away but he must have been feeling too poorly to put up a fight. Or perhaps it was because he no longer felt there was a reason to hide how bad off he was. Either way, he just laid passively and let them hover around and inspect him.

"Oh wow, yeah you're really hot," Jimin said, and then looked expectantly at Namjoon as though waiting for him to do something about it. Namjoon took Jimin's hand off their maknae's forehead and replaced it with the bag of ice.

"God, I'm so sorry Jungkookie," Hoseok breathed, pulling his dripping jacket off and tossing it into the nearby bathroom before settling down near Jungkook's head. He immediately combed at Jungkook's hair with his fingers, his go-to soothing technique when he didn't know what else to do. "How did this happen so fast?"

"It didn't, really," Jungkook admitted, his eyes going up to Hoseok. "I started not feeling good last night. It was worse this morning, but I wanted you guys to have a good time so I didn't say anything."

Seokjin sighed loudly, not even trying to hide his exasperation. He had sat down next to Namjoon, their backs against the wall. "Look, I know you hate making us worry but this is your life we're talking about, JK, you can't just hide stuff like this from us. You're not helping anyone."

Jungkook's mouth dropped open slightly in surprise and Namjoon shot a wide-eyed look at their eldest member.

"I'm sorry, I-... I just..." Jungkook stuttered.

"That sounded meaner than I meant it to be, I'm sorry," Seokjin amended, his tone softening some. He put a hand over his eyes briefly, rubbing at them, before letting it drop again. "But did you ever stop to think that our worry would have been so much less if you had just told us something was wrong last night? Or when we woke up even? You could have just gotten a change in prescriptions or something, but now you're in horrible condition, laying on the floor waiting for an ambulance."

"I know, I'm sorry," Jungkook answered quickly. He took the ice and the peas off, placing them on the floor nearby and began to rub at his arms. "I know I messed up. I should have just said something. But you guys have just been so sad and this house is so depressing and boring now. I wanted you to enjoy yourselves for once."

"It's not worth it. Any enjoyment we would have gotten just turns to guilt when we find out you've been like this the entire time. I'm sorry, I just hate seeing you like this, especially knowing it could have been avoided."

"Can you maybe not scold him right now?" Taehyung said, giving Seokjin a meaningful look. He hadn't moved from Jungkook's side and had his arm protectively over him, rubbing their maknae's side gently.

"No, it's okay," Jungkook said. He folded his bare feet, one over the other. "He's right. I'm sorry, it's just... instinctual. And I wasn't sure what it was, so I didn't want to make a big d-" suddenly he cut off and squeezed his eyes shut, grimacing and holding his breath for a moment before letting it out slowly. Namjoon glanced down to find all of his leg muscles tensed up.

Yoongi put a hand carefully on Jungkook's knee. "Can you take any more pain meds, Kook-ah?"

Jungkook shook his head, not opening his eyes. "I took the max amount already."

Taehyung stopped his hand's movement along Jungkook's side and looked down at in confusion. "Are you shivering?"

"Uh. Yeah, I'm kind of cold now," he answered sheepishly, looking up at them. He closed his arms over his chest and stuck his hands in his armpits. He looked exhausted. "Chills I guess?"

Yoongi quickly brought out a blanket and helped Taehyung tuck it in around him until just his leg and head were exposed.

"I'm sorry you guys had to come home so soon." He said dejectedly, his teeth chattering just a little bit.

"If it makes you feel any better we were already planning to come back early," Jimin replied, sitting cross legged next to Yoongi by Jungkook's feet. 

"You were?"

"Yeah, I mean, look." He gestured vaguely into the bathroom, where a rain-smeared window was visible. Wind continued to shove the trees to and fro outside, the rain falling in sheets. "We were dumb to think going out in that would be remotely fun in the first place. We just got soaked and Jin-hyung and Hobi-hyung will probably be sick an extra day now."

"Mm hm," Hoseok hummed in agreement. He had settled into a relaxed pose against the wall but still had his fingers playing aimlessly in Jungkook's hair. "We decided to just get groceries, buy you a few things, and then come back."

"Hey yeah, Jin-hyung and I found a game shop and bought a couple new video games," Taehyung said, perking up a little and patting Jungkook's side. "I looked for Ironman figurines but couldn't find any, but we got you an Ironman lego set."

Jungkook immediately gave an embarrassed smile and his fingers peeked out of the blanket to pull it a little closer to his chin. "I was just joking, you didn't actually have to get me something like that." 

But despite his words, the small smile didn't leave his face for several minutes as they kept talking. They showed him the sweatshirt they'd bought him, red just like he asked, with the word Sapporo dashed stylishly across the back of it in the form of tiny white birds. Hoseok's hand stayed in his hair, running through it slowly, causing Jungkook's eyes to dip closed every once in a while in comfort. 

Seokjin told him an animated story about how he and Taehyung had stood under a bus stop overhang outside of the game store to shield themselves from the rain while waiting for the others to pick them up. How, when they saw the van at the end of the block, Taehyung grew impatient and stepped out too early, getting splashed fully by another car passing by, which accounted for his overly water-logged appearance. 

Taehyung kept his arm over Jungkook the whole time, only removing it to help him pull the blanket off when the chills passed and he grew too hot again. 

Namjoon stayed silent through their gentle banter, watching with quiet pride how they subtly cared for Jungkook in their own ways. The smile on their maknae's face was tired but genuine and though it was occasionally interrupted by a wince, the little crinkles around his eyes kept returning until finally they heard knocks on the door and the paramedics were let in.

Jungkook pressed his fingers into the soft beige armrests under his hands, watching how the plush fabric sank down and popped back up under his touch. The other members were still moving about the cabin, putting their carry on luggage into the overhead bins and using the bathroom before take off. Jungkook just waited, warm, soft, and comfortable in his new red sweatshirt. BigHit had sent a private jet to bring them home and Jungkook was able to use two seats that were facing each other alongside the window, sitting in one and propping his leg up on the other. 

The doctors had had to reopen the stitches in Jungkook's calf when he was brought back to the hospital the day before, as the infection had stemmed from a tiny bone fragment that had been missed during the initial surgery. He spent that night at the hospital so they could keep an eye on him as the new antibiotics took effect and by late the next morning most of his symptoms had faded along with the storm, leaving clear skies and a much happier Jungkook.

Despite the Japanese doctors strongly recommending that they not travel for at least another day, they had eventually gotten them to okay him for a plane ride back to Korea. They all just wanted to go home and leave that house and experience behind them. 

He still had to take extreme care, using a wheelchair to get to and from the van and then the plane. But he didn't mind, and now that he was finally sitting in the brightly lit private cabin about to go home, blissfully painless with new pain killers doing their job well, he couldn't be more pleased. He watched out the window as other planes rolled along the tarmac and tiny little luggage carriers drove about in the late afternoon sun. 

Jimin passed by him, giving him an affectionate smile and a pat on the cheek before going to take his turn in the small rest room. Jungkook returned the smile, following him with his eyes for a moment before turning to look out the window again. Early that morning at the hospital, Jimin had slipped into his room alone. He was quiet and gentle as Jungkook woke up, getting him water and juice and speaking of little nonsense matters until Jungkook became cognizant enough to carry conversation. Then he found that there was reason Jimin was there alone. 

"There's something I need for you to know, Kookie," his friend began, looking down at his folded hands. His foot tapped idly against the tile floor where he sat on the bedside chair. "I think it might be more for my own benefit that I tell you, but it's just something I need to say."

"Okay," Jungkook said, sipping on his orange juice. He wondered if he should be worried.

"I don't know how much you remember of who said what that night. And of who wanted to do what when we were fighting." He paused then, chewing a bit on the inside of his cheek, still staring at his hands. He didn't seem upset, more thoughtful. "It's petty for me to even tell you this, but I feel like I've been a little bitter about it and I think I just need you to know that I wanted to stop. And Taehyungie did too. We wanted them to stop and put you down like you were asking."

"Oh," Jungkook responded softly. He'd already suspected as much. He did remember a lot of the words that were said back and forth that night, and while they didn't make much sense at the time, in the following days it was pretty easy to piece the argument together. He knew Namjoon and Yoongi wanted to keep going. And he knew that Jimin and Taehyung were the ones fighting against that. Still, he waited patiently for Jimin to say what he needed to say.

"I just... since then, I've just felt like I needed you to know that not all of us were ignoring you." He glanced up then, looking for understanding. "Taehyung told me to just let it go, that we were ultimately wrong and that there was no point in saying any more about it. And he's kinda right I guess. I mean, I still can't help thinking that we should have stopped. The nurse even said we probably could have, and you might not have had a panic attack..."

But then he tipped his head to the side in dismissal. "But whatever, Taehyung is right, it's already done and we'll never know. I don't think Yoongi-hyung and Namjoon-hyung did the wrong thing either, necessarily." He shrugged and leaned back in the chair, running a hand through his sandy blonde hair. He looked at Jungkook fondly for a few moments, then sighed. "Like I said, I think it's just me being petty. But... two of us weren't ignoring you and would have done what you were asking if we had been able to."

Jungkook's lips pulled back in a slow smile. Despite having already guessed that the two other members of the maknae line had been fighting for him, he was surprised at how good it made him feel to hear Jimin say it. It helped soothe that little part of him that still felt distrustful when it came to the other members overriding his opinions. While it felt at the time as though they were all against him, at least there were two of them that had genuinely listened to him, regardless of who was right and who was wrong in the end. 

"Thanks, Jiminie-hyung," he said. "That actually means a lot."

A grin sprang to his friend's face in return. "Yeah?"

"Yeah. I'm glad you told me."

"Okay." Jimin let out a whoosh of air, as though releasing a great weight. "Okay, good. I just had to say it."

Jungkook felt himself smiling again at the memory. They were all still dealing with what happened in their own ways, and it helped him to see others come to terms with their lingering demons. 

"Hey." 

A hand landed on his shoulder and he looked up to see Yoongi sliding into the seat across from him that wasn't occupied by his foot. Hoseok sat down next to Jungkook in the aisle seat. 

"You're an over-achiever," Yoongi said flatly, pulling earbuds out of his bag and starting to untangle them. 

"Eh?"

"Yeah. I realized you had both hypothermia and hyperthermia in less than a week."

"I... wait, hyperthermia?" Jungkook glanced down to his hands where Hoseok had placed a bag of barbecue chips that he hadn't asked for. 

"Yeah, technically a fever is hyperthermia. Hypothermia is when the body's temperature is too low. Hyperthermia is when it's too high."

"Oh!"

"Yeah. So. You don't always have to do everything. It would have been okay to do just one of those things."

Jungkook giggled a little bit as he opened the chips. "Okay, thanks, good advice hyung."

"Yeah."

Everyone settled in, opening books or playing games on their phones, and soon the plane began moving, tires lifting from the pavement and bringing them into open air. Jungkook gave a slow, contented sigh as Japan began to recede beneath him. 

About an hour into the flight, he was dozing against the window when he felt a pat on his knee and glanced over to see Yoongi watching him, along with Namjoon leaning over the back of Yoongi's chair. 

"What's up?" Jungkook asked, popping the earbuds out of his ears. 

"We thought we should talk to you before we get home," Yoongi said. He still had his face mask on, pulled low under his chin.

"Oh, okay." 

"We want to say sorry for still overriding you when it came to the ambulance."

There was some rustling in the chair next to Namjoon and then Seokjin popped up next to him in interest.

Jungkook stopped himself from immediately responding with 'it's okay', and took a minute to adjust his brain away from the light dreamlike thoughts that had been floating through his mind while drifting off. 

"Well, I was glad to have one," he said instead, picking at his fingernails. 

"We want you to be able to trust us, Kookie," Namjoon said earnestly. The sun was low in the sky now, sending soft pink light through the small rounded windows and into the interior of the plane. One of the beams was catching Namjoon's face, lighting his eyes from the side and making them look more like honey and glass than their usual brown.

Hoseok had removed his own earbuds and was listening quietly next to Jungkook. Jimin and Taehyung were watching from across the aisle. 

"I know you guys have my best interests in mind," Jungkook replied truthfully. He pulled the sleeves of his sweatshirt down a little bit to hide his hands.

"Yeah..." Yoongi trailed. "But it really isn't right for us to treat you like that. To just assume we know better than you. We're not parents and you're not five."

"He's five," Seokjin countered with an exaggerated wink in Jungkook's direction. Jungkook sent him a little glare. 

"Can I say something?" Jimin spoke up from across the aisle. He brought a hand up as though he wanted to run it through his hair - a nervous habit - but he was wearing a baseball cap, so he just touched the brim awkwardly and let his hand drop again. "I want you to be able to trust us too, Jungkookie, but... sometimes it's hard to trust you too."

Jungkook's eyes widened. "It is?"

Jimin turned to face them fully. "Because you hide things from us. I mean, you really didn't tell us the truth at all when we asked how you were doing yesterday and the night before."

"Actually that's a good point," Hoseok said murmured, as though he was talking to himself. 

"True," Yoongi agreed. "Maybe part of why we overreact is because you under-react. It's no one's fault, I think it's just instinctual for all of us. But there has to be a middle ground that we can find."

Jungkook felt a little twinge of guilt as things started to make a little more sense. They didn't dismiss his wants because they thought he was incapable of making the right decision, they did it because they couldn't trust him to be honest and didn't want to take any chances when it came to his well-being. It was actually very sweet.

"Ah," he said softly, and couldn't help a small smile as he looked down at his lap. "That does make sense. I'm sorry."

"It's okay," Yoongi replied. "We are too."

"Kookie," Namjoon spoke up again, "I'll try - well, we'll try, I assume, to be better at listening to you and trusting you, and not acting like we know better than you. And not overriding you."

Jungkook nodded. "Okay."

"But you have to promise us too, to tell us the truth. If you're ever not feeling good, or ever feeling sad, or anything like that. I want you to tell us. Please? Don't lie to us, even if you know we'll get worried."

Jungkook nodded again. "Yeah, I promise. At least I promise I'll try, I don't know how easy it'll be."

"Well yeah, same," Yoongi said. "Nothing is going to happen overnight. We'll just have to work at it and hopefully get better at it together."

"I've never really properly said thank you to all of you," Jungkook suddenly realized aloud. "Have I?"

"You don't have to, Jungkookie," Taehyung immediately replied.

"Yeah I do. I want to. Thank you guys, you saved my life. I would be dead without you."

"You know in some cultures, this means you have to be our slave now," Seokjin pointed out.

"No, really. Thank you for everything you went through for me. It was traumatizing for you guys too." 

"Well, it was totally worth it and we'd do it a hundred times over," Namjoon replied, then his eyebrows pulled together. "I don't ever want you to feel alone again, Jungkook. We love you more than you know and would do anything for you. I hope you know that you never were alone, and you never will be."

Jungkook could do nothing but grin down at his hands and keep picking at his nails. 

"I know," he mumbled, embarrassed. "I love you too. You guys are everything to me."

He heard a slight grunt and looked up to see a hand flapping about a foot in front of his face. Seokjin was reaching over the back of his chair clearly trying to pat Jungkook's head but he was comically out of reach. Jungkook chuckled and leaned forward far enough for his eldest hyung to get his hands in his hair and ruffle it beyond recognition.

Before he could lean back again, Hoseok wrapped an arm around his neck and pulled him over to give him a series of loud kisses on the side of his head. 

"Our Jungkookie is so sweet," he said when he finally released Jungkook. 

The sun continued to set and for some time the cabin glowed with orange and pink. Jungkook spent his time leaning against the window and watching the rolling clouds far below, the ocean a glittering blanket laid out beneath them. A hush had fallen over the inside of the plane some time ago and when Jungkook turned from the window he saw that he was the only one left awake. Namjoon and Seokjin were slumped in their seats. Yoongi's cheek was smooshed against his neck pillow, arms and legs crossed. Taehyung had pushed his seat all the way back and was on his side, eyes closed and hugging his pillow. Jimin was reclined across from him. 

Hoseok was limp in his seat next to Jungkook, mouth slightly open. He was leaning heavily toward him, his head just inches from Jungkook's shoulder. One of his earbuds had fallen out.

Tiny specks of dust hung suspended in the air as he let his gaze linger on each of his hyungs. 

Every piece of himself could be traced back to one of them. He was tied to them and they to him, and to remove one of them would be like cutting out a piece of his heart. He was okay with waiting a little longer to be able to walk. He was even okay with whatever ugly scar he was left with. The only way he could truly be damaged would be if one of his hyungs left him and at that moment he had never been more sure of their love and devotion to him. 

They held him together.

They were precious.

Very slowly and quietly, Jungkook slipped his arm around Hoseok's and eased him down the last few inches until his friend's head was resting on his shoulder. He kept their arms linked and briefly pressed his cheek to the top of his head, the strawberry smell of Hoseok's shampoo wafting up to his nose. He left a quick kiss on his hair and then rolled his head toward the window to see the vibrant red sun dip below the horizon. He relaxed into his chair and smiled, knowing that before long he would see the twinkling lights of Seoul.

Of home.