Remember Paris Hilton? There's not been any sighting of her threatened second studio album, but there are claims that it's a real thing.

She probably won't be rushing to release it any time soon, though, as she's currently trying to dig herself out of a massive homophobic hole:

"Ewww! Gay guys are the horniest people in the world," Hilton said. "They're disgusting. Dude, most of them probably have AIDS. ... I would be so scared if I were a gay guy. You'll like, die of AIDS."

First, her team of PR flunkies have attempted to explain that she was really trying to make a point about the dangers of unsafe sex.

Obviously, that was greeted with a chorus of "puh-lease", and so now Hilton herself has signed off on a personal statement that someone has written for her:

"I am so sorry and so upset that I caused pain to my gay friends, fans and their families," Hilton said in part of a lengthy apology she released to the the Gay & Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation (GLAAD.)

"Gay people are the strongest and most inspiring people I know."

You'll note the only gay people she's actually sorry about upsetting are the ones she knows, or who buy her shit. If you're gay, never bought a bottle of Pogrom by Paris Hilton scent, and don't like being told you'll die of AIDS, tough.

But for those gay people who do qualify for an apology, what do you get? "Gay people are the strongest and most inspiring people I know." What though process led to that sentence?

'Shit, she's waved around a vapid stereotype that suggests all people who share a sexuality are united through sharing a single negative character trait. If we release a statement in which she suggests that all people who share a sexuality are united by sharing a single positive character trait, that'll cancel it out, right? Like telling someone they stink, but then telling them that they have a lovely smile. That'd be a reset, right?'

Is it really true that Hilton can't think of anyone more inspiring than every single gay man and lesbian? Doesn't she realise that some gay people are actually total douchebags, and about as inspiring as Nigel Farrage standing on a podium shouting 'follow me'? And that her real problem is not simply her Mail On Sunday circa 1985 view of AIDS, but the belief that "gay people" are a single blob sharing all their traits.

Like a Nick Clegg apology, it's worthless if you're only saying sorry to make people like you again, but don't really understand what you're sorry about.

Gordon brings news of an attempt by Paris Hilton to relaunch her music career with a house album.

House, Paris?

She said: "I have a huge passion for house music. It always has been my passion. I just haven't been able to focus on it, because I have been doing reality TV for so long now.

Yeah, I could see how you'd have to do a bit of TV, in order to get a few quid behind you before launching your house career.

Oddly, though, IMDB suggests she made eight episodes of something called The World According To Paris last year, and nothing else since the BFF thing spluttered to an unwatched halt in 2009. Not exactly the most demanding of schedules.

Still, when it comes to house, Hilton is something of an expert:

"There are just so many great DJs right now. And I should know – I've been to over 100 raves in the past year, so I've heard every type of music."

Really? You've been to raves where pubrock, shoegaze, lion rock and raggle-taggle have been played? I guess that would command some sort of respect.

But why is Gordon even wasting his time regurgitating this FHM interview?

Topless Paris Hilton is in the house

Ah, that would be it. I know for a fact Judge Jules got his big DJing break by pulling his bodystocking down for FHM.

Because stringing 140 characters together in an interesting fashion is impossible for him without a producer telling him what to do, perhaps?

No, apparently not. He tells (sweet Jesus Christ) - Paris Hilton:

"I just shut my Twitter account down because I got hacked. Once I got hacked I had Twitter fix it. They changed it. And then it got hacked again so I just shut it down. As of right now, I'm on Twitter strike."

No, to be honest, I hadn't noticed he'd gone. If he's really on Twitter strike, shouldn't there be an animated gif of Wayne stood by a brazier pop up when you're trying to log in to the homepage?

Of course, when Wayne says he was "hacked" he means someone logged in pretending to be him, so he's probably really just on 'one of my flunkies guessing my password is WAYNEISTHEBEST strike'.

Yes, she was briefly trying to be a pop star. Remember?

Anyway, while no fan of the poorly-drawn celebrity birthday card sub-genre, some people seem to enjoy them. Paris Hilton, not so much - she tried to stop Hallmark making one with a bad drawing of her on.

The case went her way; but Hallmark aren't taking it lying down. They're insisting that poorly drawn card with bad impressions in are a free speech issue, and asking for the whole case to go back to court.

Yesterday, Gordon used time and money to snicker at how camp it was for Ronaldo to wear a cap.

I think even Gordon must have realised that he'd crossed a line, as today Bizarre suddenly lurches in the opposite direction, as Gordon's former deputy files Pete Samson a slightly different story:

CHAMPAGNE-swilling RONALDO celebrates his £80million transfer by sharing a raunchy night with PARIS HILTON.

The winking winger, 24, kissed and cuddled the 28- year-old socialite in a Hollywood club before they headed to her sister's home.

The scoring machine and Paris got down and dirty as they teamed up to celebrate the soccer ace's £80million transfer.

"I think we've gone a bit far with the suggestions that Ronaldo is gay, boss"
"Okay, let's run a piece that suggests he's having sex with a lady. Balance, innit."

Oddly, Gordon's gay-tent-o-meter or whatever it was meant to be seems to be out of action for this story.

Meanwhile, Gordon applauds Lily Allen for condemning the BNP:

Lil's album, It's Not Me, It's You, has a track called Fuck You which attacks racists, BNP politicians and homophobics.

People like Lily are role models. It's good to see her speaking out against these mugs.

Yes, it is brilliant. Although is Gordon entirely sure - as he waits for that Ronaldo piece to fall off the front of Bizarre - that he might not be one of the "mugs"?

In the blurb promoting Showbiz Zoe's Sunday Mirror story claiming that Paris Hilton in moving into Camden, the teaser says:

Paris buys a £2million pad in London's seedy Camden

Leaving aside using "London's" with a straight face, did anyone at all stop for even half a second and wonder how you could sell a two million pound property in a seedy neighbourhood?

The £2million townhouse is also within walking distance of pads owned by Girls Aloud singer Sarah Harding, cool comedians Noel Fielding and Leigh Francis, and Blur’s Graham Coxon.

Oh yes. Actually, you are making the area sound a bit seedy now.

That's one Damon's not won before you, Noel...

If we didn't know better, we'd assume that this morning's Bizarre had been knocked out by someone for whom English was a third, or maybe fourth, language, as bad pun piles on top of bad pun.

Sarah Harding in a bikini? Why, she's "tan-tastic" and - because you can see her belly - "tum-thing's up".

Coleen McLoughlin planning to display her wedding dress? That would make her a "troophy wife", then.

Paris Hilton photographed at a masked ball? She's got "no hiding face", then.

Yes, no hiding face. No, we don't know what a hiding face is, nor why putting a mask over it means that it isn't there. Perhaps they've overdosed on Doctor Who.

Talking of which, Billie Piper makes an appearance with an actual - sort of - story; she fears that the topless scenes in Diary Of A Call Girl might have ruined her chances of a Hollywood career:

Yes. It's not like you can think of a squillion Hollywood movies where the female lead does naked squirming, is it?

To be honest, Billie, it's going to be less likely that going topless harmed your career. It's more the choice of role - after all, who is going to hire an actor who's played a blogger on-screen?

Gordon gloats this morning that his good buddy Victoria Beckham out-performed Paris Hilton:

Really, Gordon?

Or was it because the paparazzi had got all the photos they wanted at the Selfridges launch of her Paris' new perfume? The Evening Standard certainly saw things differently:

Still, let's give Beckham her moment in the - ahem - sun. She's kind of like Janice Battersby now, heavily involved in making unconvincing clothes. Or, as she puts it:

Harrods? Cool? Credible? Not unless you're selling there in 1974. It's mostly overpriced tourist tat these days, sold in a brand which has been flawed by its nasty little airport shops.

Still, it's probably not important that the piece is a bit idiotic - these days, Gordon's little more than a newsagent offering softcore jazz mags. Today, it's Agyness Dean's tits that are hung on a "story" which seems to be little more than "here is a photo of Agyness Dean's tits.

Set in the scale of slip-ups made by celebrities, Paris Hilton thinking that West Africa is a country might be worth a quick chortle - although how many Sun readers would have had to check an Atlas to make sure that's what her "gaffe" was. On a quiet bank holiday, though, Gordon grabs it like a pensioner finding an empty table in a Fortes cafe, and makes it a lead story.

Obviously, it takes padding. A lot of padding. Indeed, so stuffed is the story, Gordon somehow makes this the conclusion of a story about Paris thinking West Africa is a country:

Still, on a day when his newspaper's front page is barking "Gipsy hell for minister Tessa", nice to see Gordon taking a stand against racism.

To pad out a quiet day on Bizarre still further, an article by Antonella Lazzeri is drafted in, fretting over the pressures on young girls who hold up Jordan as a role model:

Mindful of this hard-ish-hitting piece about the cost of obsessions with tits finding a bank holiday berth in Bizarre, Gordon approaches his usual matter with, well, exactly the same finesse:

Airbags. He means breasts.

Uh-oh... has Gordon infiltrated the Mirror?

In the interests of being fair, we have to admit the headline on the story about Katie Price getting drunk and needing some help to get in a taxi in this morning's Bizarre is pretty sharp:

Unfortunately, though, this only appears in the paper and on the index page of the site: the permanent page on the story goes with:

- which suggests the Swing Low allusion might have been added elsewhere in the production process.

Looking at some of the other headlines this morning:

and

... well, it only adds to the suspicion that there was help from outside. "Deyn attraction" doesn't even work as a pun, but at least it's not a single entendre.

Is there something sexist - as well as unpleasant - in the gossip media's coverage of falls from grace asks Alex Williams in the New York Times, suggesting that women who stray get more coverage than men who do the same things. We're not sure Williams is completely wrong, but we're not sure we can fully agree:

The trouble is, Williams knows they're not comparing like with like. Firstly, Winehouse hadn't just died - she was still happily alive, and not even admitting her problems, which meant that rather than upsetting dead relatives, The Sun could at least argue that it was trying to help her worried family by revealing the "real" Amy.

More importantly, there's a world of difference between US network television and the Murdoch UK tabloids. Because The News Of The World happily ran the video on its website.

And, finally on this one: Pete Doherty's a bloke. He's hardly had his drug problems treated gently by the papers.

Williams offers another instance for our consideration:

But Owen Wilson went into hospital, and came out, and disappeared into mundane behaviour - Spears, meanwhile, has been charging about, shaving hair, going to court, having people fight over who will be her custodian. There's been more coverage of the Spears story because there's been more to cover.

And it's not like Owen Wilson is particularly interesting - the public appetite for Britney stories was there before she started to get so seriously ill.

Williams tries again:

But, again, it's not quite so simple: Keifer Sutherland coughed, and went off to do his time more or less uncomplainingly. Hilton's return to jail was the culmination of a botched release from a man who had received campaign funds from her grandfather followed by an order from above that she go back to jail; the story was of a different order entirely not because Paris was female, but because she'd been given a soft touch and then had it taken away.

There is, of course, more coverage of women going wrong - but that's rooted more in there being more coverage of women not going wrong in the same magazines and on the same websites. Which might be a more valid starting point for Alex Williams' investigations.

The tricky question of who should give McCartney his lifetime achievement award at the Brits is exercising Gordon this morning. It seems Paul has offered no advice beyond asking for it to be a woman - good lord, does he never learn? - and so someone (Smart doesn't reveal who) has drawn up a shortlist of Kylie, Stella McCartney, Chrissie Hynde and Cilla Black. Smart has launched a campaign to make Black the one, but it's not clear why. Is it a joke - a la the NME's attempts to get the Laughing Gnome played on Bowie's tour? But why would it be a joke? McCartney and Black go way back, and with Sharon Osbourne MCing the event, someone who can actually present a television programme onstage might be a boon. But it's not clear that Gordon is being serious, either.

He does run through his thought process, but that doesn't really help:

Does Smart know anything about Hynde? He seems to struggle with a reason to discount her, and throws her away in the middle of talking about Kylie.

It all feels a little... well, pointless. At least if he'd have come up with an alternative suggestion - Yoko, perhaps - there might have been some sort of traction for his campaigning.

Mind you, since the rest of his work this morning is built around a photo of Paris Hilton and a little person and Sarah Harding in her knickers, perhaps we should welcome his new found commitment to campaigning journalism.

The big story in Gordon's kingdom this morning - that Coleen Asdaadvert and Wayne Potatofootballer are getting married next summer - would be a tribute to Gordon's Prime Ministering showbiz skills. Were it not bylined

who isn't even part of Gordon's team. And was it not merely something that he's read in the latest Hello!

Still, handing over the main part of Bizarre to someone else has freed Smart up to concentrate on what he's good at - yet another slideshow of Paris Hilton not wearing much; the "news" that you could see Danielle Lloyd's arse peeking through her skirt (the closest thing we've yet seen to James Burke's fictional 'Albert Memorial Still There' headline yet); another bemusing photo of Brooke 'daughter of the barely more famous Hulk' Hogan in her bra and a somewhat surprising report on Heath Ledger taking the role of the Joker. In much the same way that Smart seem fixated on the very idea of Jesse Metcalfe going to GAY, it seems that Gordon can't get over Brokeback Mountain, headlining the piece:

- not that he's playing the Joker as gay, of course. But since he once played a homosexual onscreen, everything Ledger does now must be gay, of course. Let's hope Gordon doesn't have to write about Dustin Hoffman anytime soon.

Well, now we know why Gordon wasn't at Led Zep: it sounds like he's plodding about behind the Spice Girls, spending RupertJames' money on an American jolly. It's fair to say he's a little starstruck, as - like politicians - the Spices can't help sucking up to The Sun:

Your massive, huge, gigantic grin? Good lord, man. If you feel this is something to brag about, at least try and write it up in a way that doesn't make it sound like 'what I did done do on my holidays'. (We do love, though, that "most" - as if there were a knowing few cognoscenti would have been nudging each other saying 'that's that Smart, that is...' - whereas, of course, the audience would actually have been wondering why the Spice Girls were making so much fuss over a supermarket tabloid.)

Funny, though, that Gordon managed to miss the story that was in all the other papers - how few people turned up for the gig. No wonder they were able to single Gordon out for special treatment. He probably was all of Row B.

Still, if he's pulling together his column in a hotel room in Nevada, it explains how an actual story might have accidentally sneaked into his page: Noel Gallagher apparently being too drunk to remember what he said to Jimmy Page after the Led Zep gig. But elsewhere, it's business as usual: that naked Paris Hilton champagne advert being treated like it's worth an article, and a clunking piece of text to go with a photo of Kylie Minogue:

We don't know what the bikers wear round Smart's way, but we've never seen anyone on a Harley in a couture mini-dress and fishnets.

Eh? Because she has a tight dress, she ends relationships with at least three people every seven days? Oh... is it just a crowbarred in pun based on a songtitle?

There are signs that Gordon Smart is starting to tire of the constant procession of breasts on his pages, restricting himself today to adding an "advent" shot of Heidi Klum and bunch of pictures of Paris Hilton in not much. This is prompted because, erm, Hilton went out dressed sensibly for December, which has worried Gordon:

Some observers have wondered if Gordon knows that he's not making a private scrapbook to hide in the smoke-and-wank clubhouse tree, and there are signs that maybe he doesn't:

Pssst... Gordon, you're in a newspaper. People are reading what you write. Never mind Paris Hilton, your family can read it.

However, away from breasts, there's a little background homophobia as well. Jesse Metcalfe turned up to support his girlfriend when Girls Aloud played GAY at the weekend. Smart snickers away:

Why "of course not", Gordon?

Or, maybe, he was hugging his girlfriend because he was out with his girlfriend and the fear-of-being-thought-gay is merely something in your head, Gordon?

Oh, no. Gordon might seem obsessed with what he calls - with all the grace of a sexually paranoid fifteen year-old - "crackers", but he has other interests, you know.

Arses, to be exact.

His big story this morning is, erm, a pair of pictures of what he claims are the Hilton sister's butts.

Of course, you can't just print photos of bottoms. You need to have a news angle.

Oh, apparently you don't.

Still, he's got the story about Robbie Williams going to Amsterdam. Like the Mirror had the day before.

The attack on Courtney Love is understandable, but Dave Grohl's atack on Paris Hilton is something else. Now, we think Hilton is an over-funded waste of space as much as anyone, but:

More offensive than anything? Than poverty, or inequality, or racism? And "slut"? A little overstated, surely, Mr Grohl?

If you want to keep your pregnancy even sort-of secret: don't share it with Paris Hilton.