Today, we put down our small-dog-in-a-handbag and call on our hat attendant to raise our bejewelled hat to Mariah Carey, who has managed to reach a point where she's so overpriced and showy even Harrods think she's a bit much.

According to Gordon Smart, Beyonce had been planning to play Battersea Power Station but... well, was thwarted?

BEYONCE'S secret gig suffered a bit of a setback when Health and Safety gimps banned her from doing a special show at Battersea Power Station in London.

Gimps?

It seems that saying 'you know what, that would be an unsafe place to do a gig' isn't actually a useful intervention, but somehow 'lame'. If only Gordon were in charge; if someone wanted Beyonce to play in a barrel going over the edge of the Falls Of Glomach, he'd just smile and nod.

Actually, scrub that - he's suddenly realised they have a point:

I would call them killjoys but I saw Beyonce's backing singers, THE MAMAS, at Glastonbury.

Their bras alone would need scaffolding.

Ha ha ha, because they're BIG, do you see? Ha ha ha.

Beyonce went to Harrods instead:

Bosses at Harrods must have been delighted that Beyonce and co turned up.

They are among the few people on the planet who can afford to shop there.

What? Is this Smart trying to reach out to a credit-crunched readership by going "tschaw, those rich people with their rich ways, eh?"

He also finds time to kick one of his predecessors:

She also had the misfortune of being pestered by a chubby old showbiz reporter clinging on to his youth, PIERS MORGAN, who was interviewing her for news channel CNN.

By the time Morgan was Smart's age, he'd already moved on from editing Bizarre and was just about to start his second editorship of a national newspaper.

(Note: being fair to Piers Morgan has led me to sicking up both my kidneys.)

All those businessmen in hotels around the world will be looking forward to seeing an interview with one of the hit parade's finest.

No they won't, Gordon. They have channels which keep them better company, without having half the screen taken up by Piers' face.

Dannii Minogue has switched on the Harrods Christmas lights, and Zoe Griffin was there to see it. She was a little disappointed:

They’re green because it’s a Wizard of Oz theme, which doesn’t excite me that much because a London shop should have more of a London theme.

Has Griffin ever been inside Harrods and seen the Egyptian elevator? And does she think that Oz is a real place - like Manchester or something?

But Dannii Minogue loses all of her calm as she grins manically as she pushed the button to turn them on with a young boy from Great Ormond Street Hospital.

Let's be fair: we all know what she means, don't we?

A gentle ripple of applause for Leona Lewis: she turned down the offer of opening the Harrods summer sale because of their fur coats. The fee probably wasn't the million pounds the Mail has quoted, but even so, it's pretty inspiring to see someone sticking to their principles.

Gordon gloats this morning that his good buddy Victoria Beckham out-performed Paris Hilton:

Really, Gordon?

Or was it because the paparazzi had got all the photos they wanted at the Selfridges launch of her Paris' new perfume? The Evening Standard certainly saw things differently:

Still, let's give Beckham her moment in the - ahem - sun. She's kind of like Janice Battersby now, heavily involved in making unconvincing clothes. Or, as she puts it:

Harrods? Cool? Credible? Not unless you're selling there in 1974. It's mostly overpriced tourist tat these days, sold in a brand which has been flawed by its nasty little airport shops.

Still, it's probably not important that the piece is a bit idiotic - these days, Gordon's little more than a newsagent offering softcore jazz mags. Today, it's Agyness Dean's tits that are hung on a "story" which seems to be little more than "here is a photo of Agyness Dean's tits.