Cupfull of cheer

I finally finished my absentee ballot. 

Though I forgot how ridiculous ballots can be. 

“Here’s a list of judge names with absolutely no information. Do you want to give significant power to this person you know nothing about?”

The internet wasn’t much help either. I could only find basic bios on some very outdated websites. The best I could do was figure out who appointed the judges originally. If it was a Republican, I voted no. If it was a Democrat, I voted yes. 

Also, there was this guy…

I was going to vote no just on his picture alone. But that became much less shallow when I discovered he was a pro-life Republican. 

Beyond that, there was a measure about bingo. (The blue-haired lady lobby is very powerful in Missouri.) 

There was a measure about reducing the smoking areas in riverboat casinos. (One vice at a time people!) 

And my favorite was “Shall there be a Charter Commission to revise and amend the Charter?” 

That’s all it said.

How many charters can a charter commission charter, if a charter commission could charter charters?

Only the woodchuck knows. 

There was also a proposal to help fund our zoo’s conservation efforts. It felt good to vote for that. St. Louis doesn’t have a lot going for it, but we have one of the best zoos in the world. They do amazing research and are now stepping up their conservation efforts. They bought an entire golf course and said, “We’re going to save animals here now. Go whack your balls elsewhere!” 

My biggest disappointment was the lack of an “I voted” sticker. Apparently us absentee voters aren’t good enough for stickers. 

How is my social media following supposed to know I voted? The “I voted” selfie is an important part of the voting process.

STUART SEMPLE FOUND THE PINK NARC.

God this is the greatest art feud of our time.

[A screenshot from snapchat of a document that is cut off on the extreme edges, erasing the first and last two or three letters from each line. Doing my best to correctly transcribe]

Breach of terms of service: culturehustle.com Illegal acquisition on behalf of Anish Kapoor of the World’s Pinkest Pink

Dear Sirs,

I am aware that you represent Mr. Anish Kapoor, and I write today not to dob him in so that you can tell him off but rather to try and resolve this matter. Unlike Kapoor I am not one to ‘point the finger’ however on this occasion it has become important to do so. 

I hold your gallery in the highest esteem, I am a fan of several of your artists, but on this occasion you have been extremely naughty. You have been part of a conspiracy to obtain my PINK and provide Mr. Kapoor with it.

We have now finished fully researching this situation and it has come to your attention that you have been part of a conspiracy to obtain my PINK and provide Mr. Kapoor with it enabling him to exploit the substance against my wishes. Further, this juvenile behavior made much of the wider artistic community sad thanks to his extremely petty and childish post on Instagram. 

The terms of service on my site CultureHustle.com are incredibly clear: Quote: By adding this product to your cart you agree that you are not Anish Kapoor, you are in no way affiliated with Anish Kapoor, you are not purchasing this item on behalf of Anish Kapoor or an associate of Anish Kapoor. To the best of your knowledge, information and belief this product will not make its way into that hands of Anish Kapoor. 

In direct violation to the above, on 10th of December 2016 a person by the name of Mr [Blanked out] placed an order via the culturehustle.com website, for one jar of PINK at 5:36 am. This order was placed on behalf of your gallery and was delivered to the Lisson Gallery in London at 11:38 am on the 13th of December. Shortly after which your gallery provided Mr. Kapoor with the substance and on the 23rd of December 2016 Mr. Kapoor posted a photograph on Instagram showing he was indeed in possession of the substance, he also included the caption ‘Up Yours’. The comments on this post clearly demonstrate the negative impact such a gesture has had upon a wide community. He needs to say sorry for hurting everyone’s feelings.

I remind you, hoarding colours and stealing other people’s colours without asking nicely isn’t big -rd it’s simply bad. 

I said I think it would be best to resolve this matter amicably without this silly business escalating any further. However, if we are unable to resolve this in a timely and grown up way I am fully prepared to take further action which will no doubt become stressful and expensive. 

Therefore I would appreciate it if: 1. Your gallery would say sorry for giving my pink to Mr. Kapoor.  2. Mr. Kapoor would give me my pink back. I don’t want him to have it.  3. He will write 100 times, ‘I will be nice, I will share my colours’ and he will post the same to his Instagram.

Failing the above, an agreeable settlement would also be: 1. The reimbursement of $3.99 (the cost of PINK minus shipping) 2. And Mr. Kapoor to void his exclusive agreement to the use of Vanta Black in art.

If you were to settle as above I will be more than happy to share all my colours with him, so he doesn’t feel left out and can join in with the rest of us.

I look forward to resolving this matter. 

Yours,

Since they broke contract, he can sue them

To avoid getting sued, they need to humilate themselves publicly AND convince Kapoor to do likewise

This autistic led research project is looking for participants to talk about autism and employment.

mu

gwen: freaky flexing. but alright

miles:

Gwen: you absolute heathen. It’s ‘This is tragic, google play All Star.’