that pistachio completely sealed in its shell is scared and alone, like a miner trapped by rubble. you need to free it by any means necessary. get the gun from your dad's cabinet

if tumblr shuts down we should all develop car crash fetishes and form an underground community that reenacts famous car crashes for sexual pleasure

I HATE MORAL OCD. well i shouldnt say hate thats a strong word. and i dont want to sound like i hate people WITH moral ocd because i dont of course. i just hate having it. but i shouldnt think that, i do like having morals, its just stressful to be thinking about them so constantly and scrutinizing every little thing i do or think. but really thats the least i could do so i should at least try, right? just because i suffer from— no, struggle with moral ocd doesn’t mean i should just stop thinking about things all together, thats not what im saying and i should make that clear, but i

I dedicate this post to my cousin Leah who was gonna FaceTime me and then didn't because she had "corndog bloat" and needed to "sweat it out on the beanbag chair". That sounds really scary, Leah. We're all praying for you.

Yukari

me walking into the grocery store to buy everything bagels

Hohoho! I like this post! If I made it i would have written ginger ale instead of everything bagels but that’s fine that you wanted to make a post about bagels instead of ginger ale this time around I get it

me going back to the grocery store because i forgot ginger ale

Hohoho! What a great post friend! I love the part about ginger ale!!!

Expelled from Word, he is now trying to contact you through other programs...

So there you are, number one employee at your company, team lead, bringing in more profit by yourself than the rest of the employees combined and everyone knows it. And then one day, against the advice of all the other team leads, the CEO violates a safety measure, and yeah, people start dying.

Everyone knows it's the CEO's fault. Everyone knows how to fix it. But the CEO does nothing, digs his head in the sand, and pretends like shit is normal. And people are dying.

So you, young hotshot that you are, call an all hands meeting and get a specialist to explain what the problem is. It's easily solved, but it will cost money, and that money is going to have to come from the CEO.

The CEO throws a shitfit. He doesn't want to solve the problem. He doesn't want to admit under overwhelming evidence that it's his fault. But he agrees to do so under one condition--he's not paying to fix it--you are. He's taking your bonus and you can get fucked. As it turns out, the CEO thinks you fucking suck.

Not a single one of your colleagues protests on your behalf, probably because they know that if they speak up, he'll just take their bonuses, too.

So what do you do? Do you continue working for Mr. "idc if my employees die as long as I get mine?" Do you quit? Do you take the wealth you've accumulated working for this guy and go home? Do you stab the worst boss you've ever had in front of every other employee at the company?

Anyway that's book 1 of the Iliad

lol I thought this was gonna be about the Government defunding OSHA.

The rapacious and arrogant greed of idiots in power is the oldest story we got and it has not changed

every year, my devil may cry brainrot re-emerges. here’s some stuff i drew back in like 2022

I found this quote from Diana Wynne Jones (Author of novels Howl's Moving Castle and Castle in the Air) on her time at Oxford when she had C.S. Lewis and Tolkien as professors and I thought I couldn't relate to Jrrt any more than I already did but I've been proven wrong.

"[C. S. Lewis] was just a marvelous lecturer: he made the dullest topics absolutely shine. He lectured in the very largest of lecture halls, which was a huge “L” shape, and it was packed, with people standing in the aisles, even early in the morning. Everybody drank it in. Obviously a whole lot of people took this away and thought about it, and began writing - mostly for children because in those days you couldn’t write fantasy for anyone else.     Tolkien was a different matter. He was just a kind of eminence grise and a legend. You couldn’t hear him lecture. He worked at not letting you hear, because he wanted to go away and finish writing The Lord of the Rings. So he had the very smallest lecture room. First of all it was packed out, so he spoke with his back to the audience and mumbling. Unfortunately he was talking about - meditating on, really - what a plot is like and how it mutates into other plots, and this I found so fascinating that I went back the next week as did one other person. And this meant that he couldn’t stop lecturing and still get the money, which apparently in those days you could if no one turned up - it was a dreadful racket, really. He could have given just the one lecture and then been paid for a term if we’d all stayed away. But this other person and I attended diligently week after week, so he was forced to go on meditating about plots mutating, and what I could hear was fascinating, because he was busy with the really large orchestration of the latter part of The Lord of the Rings at the time. But all I retain is a sense of how marvelous the way plots work is. That was all I got out of it, but I kept going in case I might understand a bit more next week - let alone hear a bit more."

    (Quoted from “Interview with Diana Wynne Jones, 22 March 2001, conducted by Charles Butler.”)

I remember referring to this interview a long time ago, before the Howl renaissance, citing it while saying something like “don’t beat yourself up too much by comparing the development of your writing skills to Tolkien, because among OTHER writing aids he had (nannies, servants, a fulltime housewife, a private cook) he VERY MUCH slacked off his (prestigious, privileged, came with a private office/free lunch/servants, well paid, consisted of being left respectfully alone to be a genius) day job to write his fiction.” And someone sent me a bunch of very upset messages about how none of that was true, and when I was like, here are his letters about his servants and nannies, here is what Dianne Actual Wynne Jones wrote when she was his actual student, here is the labor context of Oxford; they said “who cares about how an obscure nobody had failed her classes.”

It was only a dumb exchange but it stuck with me, DWJ the obscure nobody. As a kid I remembered when Harry Potter came out and everyone was like “well, bookish child, don’t you love it?” And I would reply that for British boarding school fantasies about witches you couldn’t do better than Witch Week, and would receive the same reaction. “Who do you mean and why are you bothering?”

So thank you for all being so interested in the obscure nobody. I perennially love the image of her making Tolkien do his damn day job

We need him back in our lives

He was a fierce advocate for transit using both trains and ferries, he made the plans for the transbay tube even, he was a biker, he was the protector of Mexico, he worked to protect the name of his home city, he supported international cooperation through the creation of a League of Nations, he fought against sinophobic racism, and was recognized as the official leader of the united states by the king of Hawaii

Ever since Emperor Norton died, San Francisco has been in a decline, the only way to save the city is to find a new Emperor who will expand the Transit options and build new affordable housing

GBBO: “A s’more is basically just an Italian merengue sandwiched between two ganache-covered digestives”

Americans:

in case anyone in wondering, this is Paul Hollywood's idea of a s'more

You know what, their absolute inability to grasp Mexican foods makes more sense every day

Nodding my head in support of the Americans despite having no clue what a s’more is.

Okay, American immigrant to the UK here to explain all the mistakes from Paul Hollywood happening here: there is one fundamentally American ingredient required to make a s'more correctly but which is basically not available anywhere at all in the UK, and that is graham crackers. A plain digestive biscuit close-ish, but still a very different beast.

From Wikipedia: A graham cracker is a sweet flavored cracker made with graham flour.

The next ingredient (which is also extremely traditionally American but slightly more variable) is typically Hershey's chocolate, but you could probably swap this out in the UK with any plain chocolate bar.

Last ingredient is big marshmallows, the kind you do the chubby bunny challenge with, like the size of your thumb and twice as thick.

A proper s'more, the most traditional possible variety, involves to graham cracker squares, two slab segments of Hershey's chocolate, and one to two marshmallows depending on your preference for filling and gooeyness. You put a slab of chocolate on one of the graham cracker squares. Your marshmallows should be toasted, usually over a campfire but if you're doing them at home over a gas stove burner is fine, but the fire part is critical. You can toast them to whatever degree you like, some people like them nice and golden brown but still kind of firm in the middle, me personally? I want that bitch to CATCH ON FIRE, I want it gooey and sticky as hell in the middle, crispy and burnt on the outside. Slap that motherfucker on your graham cracker and chocolate square, top with the other one so your marshmallow and chocolate are sandwiched together by graham cracker on the outside. You do this with your freshly toasted marshmallow because ideally it will be hot enough to start to melt the chocolate so it sticks to the marshmallow and the graham cracker and, combined with the gooey marshmallow, it keeps the whole thing together, and for that reason some people will let them sit for a hot second to let the melting process happen (especially if like me you have chocolate on BOTH graham cracker squares, not just one, because you're a sugar fiend), but if you are a young child you do not have that degree of patience and you eat that shit immediately, unmelted chocolate and all. Consume your summer camp delight like a tiny club sandwich, get gooey sticky marshmallow and chocolate all over your hands, and enjoy.

Important note: this is a kids treat. It is a traditional summer camping trip dessert. It should be something any ten year old with adult supervision and access to the ingredients can make (and make a mess of). They're called s'mores because kids always "want s'more". If you are using a blowtorch, chocolate biscuits, and merengue, you are so far beyond the bounds of s'more-hood that you have thoroughly lost the plot. If you offered Paul Hollywood's concoction to an American child and called it a s'more, they'd tell you flat out that not only is it not a s'more, it looks dumb and you didn't do it right because it's not gooey.

Graham crackers are a distinctly American thing. They were created by a minister during the temperance movement who believed that the way to get people to stop masturbating was to feed them a diet of only dry, sugarless crackers made from a coarsely ground wheat.

Fortunately one of the few things Americans love more than protestantism is adding sugar to things. So we added sugar and used them to make s'mores, the most sugar-heavy treat imaginable, and we never did stop cranking it.

I for one enjoy finding new ways to adulterate Rev. Graham's crackers specifically to spite him.