PS28A

Interpersonal Attraction
&
Close Relationship
For communication to have meaning it
must have a life. It must transcend
“you” and “me” and become “us” …
In a small way, we then grow out of
our old selves and become something
new
(Hugh Prather)
 Lecture Objectives
At this end of this lecture students should be able
to:
•Identify and discuss the factors that influence
interpersonal attraction and close relationships
•Identify and explain the components of intimacy
in close relationships
•Demonstrate how self-disclosure may be used as
a tool for building and maintaining relationships
 Introduction
• Why do we find it important and sometimes
even compelling to form relationships?

• Why are we attracted to some people more

than others?
 Definition - Attraction
• Interpersonal Attraction is defined as the
evaluation one person makes of another
along a dimension that ranges from strong
liking to strong dislike
(Baron & Byrne, 2000)
Factors That Influence Attraction
Affect/Emotions/Feelings
• Positive feelings lead to positive evaluation
of others, while negative feelings lead to
negative evaluation of others (Dovidio et
al., 1995)
• Affect may be direct or associated.
associated
Factors That Influence Attraction
Physical Proximity
• Propinquity, physical proximity or physical
immediacy is an important determinant of
attraction, especially at the beginning of a
relationship. It facilitates:
– Familiarity: constant exposure to the person
– Opportunity for interaction: increase chance for
attraction
Factors That Influence Attraction
Similarity
• Similarity in attitudes, beliefs, interests,
personality and even physical appearance
strongly influences the likelihood of
interpersonal attraction, not in number of
similar attitudes but the proportion and
importance of similar attitudes.
Factors That Influence Attraction
Complementarity
• When each partner’s characteristics satisfy
the other’s needs (opposites attract).
Example, partners agree that one will
exercise control over certain areas (money)
and the other will take the lead in different
ones (house décor)
Factors That Influence Attraction
Competence
• We like to be around those who are skilled,
talented, or intelligent, probably because we
hope display their level of talent, have their
skill.
Factors That Influence Attraction
Physical Attractiveness
• Research shows that we find physical attractive
people more appealing than unattractive people, at
least on initial contact (Eagly, et al 1991).

• Dimensions of Physical Attractiveness

– Facial expression: facially attractive people are seen
(perceived as warm, honest)

– Physique: we hold notions of which bodily attributes are

attractive
Factors That Influence Attraction
Reciprocal Attraction
• We are attracted to people who we believe are
attracted to us
• Reciprocal liking builds attractiveness and people
who approve of us bolster our feelings of self
esteem.
• Conversely, there are people who you don’t like
who likes you (and vice versa). What could cause
that?
Factors That Influence Attraction
Disclosure
• Revealing important information about
yourself gives another the opportunity to
how similar you are, which can build liking.
• Not all disclosure leads to liking. If sharing
is poorly timed, results can be negative.
From Attraction to building and
maintaining close relationships
 Reasons for Building Close Relationships
• The need for affiliation – a desire to establish
and maintain relationships with others (Wong &
Csikzentimihalyi, 1991)

• - the fundamental factor underlying our

interpersonal relationships

• Some people have a higher need for affiliation

than others and these individuals tend to seek the
company of friends and acquaintances or place
themselves in settings where social interaction is
likely. While others value periods of solitude.
 Reasons for Building Close Relationships

Affiliation provides
• Emotional support
• Attention – consideration and care received
• Opportunity - to evaluate the
appropriateness of our opinions and
behaviours through the process of social
comparison
 Reasons for Building Close Relationships

• The need for intimacy - a desire for close

and affectionate relationships in which
personal information is disclosed and
sharing occurs (McAdams, 1982)

• Intimacy with friends and lovers involves

sharing and disclosing personal information
 Dimensions of Intimacy
Intimacy has several dimensions including:
• Physical
• Intellectual
• Emotional
 Dimensions of Intimacy
• Physical
One example is the relationship between a fetus
and its mother. At this stage the unborn child
develops a closeness with its mothers and at birth
it continues – breast feeding, bathing, constantly
held and hugged.

Other examples?
 Dimensions of Intimacy
• Intellectual Intimacy
This takes place when one person engages
another in an exchange of important ideas.
Through this exchange, a powerful and
exciting bonding/closeness can develop.
 Dimensions of Intimacy
• Emotional Intimacy
Involves the sharing of important feelings (self
disclosure).

• Sharing personal information (face-to-face or

otherwise) can both reflect and create feelings of
closeness.

Is it possible to experience emotional intimacy from

our “chat room” encounters?
 Dimensions of Intimacy
• A Fourth Dimension – Shared Activities
Though in and of itself “shared activity”
does not lead to closeness, it must exist for
closeness to take place.. And therefore
cannot be ignored.

• When partners spend time together, they

can develop unique ways of relating that
transform the relationship from an
impersonal one to a personal one.
 Kahlil Bilbran, The Prophet
Love one another, but make not a bond of
love:
Let it rather be a moving sea between the
shores of your soul.
Fill each other’s cup but drink not from
one cup.
Give one another of your bread but eat
not of the same loaf.
Sing and dance together and be joyous,
but let each one of you be alone.
Even as the strings of a lute are alone
though they quiver with the same
music.
 Intimacy in Relationships
• Masculine and Feminine Styles
– Research shows that woman are somewhat more
willing than men to share their feelings
• In terms of amount and depth:
– Female – Female were at the top
– Male – Female came in second
– Male – Male had the least disclosure
– Generalizations do not apply to every person
– Biological sex is not as important as the chosen
gender role when expressing emotion
 Intimacy in Relationships
• Cultural Influences on Intimacy
– Notions of public and private selves have
changed over time
– Collectivist cultures
• Generally do not reach out to outsiders, often waiting
until they are properly introduced before entering
into conversation
– Individualistic cultures
• Make fewer distinctions between personal
relationships and casual ones
 Intimacy in Relationships
• Intimacy in Mediated Communication
– Studies show that intimacy may develop more
quickly through mediated channels
– Instant messaging, emailing and text messages
offer more constant contact with friends, family
and partners
– Communicators chose varying levels of self-
disclosure
 Intimacy in Relationships
• The Limits of Intimacy
– It is impossible to have a close relationship
with everyone
– Obsession with intimacy can lead to less
satisfying relationships
– Intimacy is rewarding but it isn’t the only way
of relating to others
 Emotions that block us from forming
relationships
Loneliness
A psychological state that results when we perceive
a discrepancy between want we want and what
actually get from our relationships (Peplau &
Perlman, 1982).
• It is a subjective experience and not dependent on
the number of people we have surrounding us.
• Those who experience lifelong loneliness many a
times lack very basic social skills and therefore
have difficulty forming relationships; hence, the
lifestyle of loneliness.
 Emotions that block us from forming
relationships
Social Anxiety
• Is a feeling of discomfort that arises from a
person’s expectations of negative encounters with
others (Leary, 1983). Tendencies include:
– sensitivity and fearfulness of disapproval, criticism and
anxiety itself
– Foresee negative outcomes to anticipated social
interactions, which arouses anxiety
– Strong tendency to perceive and respond to criticism
that does not exist.
– Unpredictability of anxiety response.
Self Disclosure: A tool for
Building & Maintaining Casual, Close
and Intimate Relationships
Self-Disclosure in Relationships
Self-Disclosure
– The process of deliberately revealing information
about oneself that is significant and would not
normally be known by others
•Characteristics of Self-Disclosure
– Usually occurs in dyads
– Incremental
– Relatively scarce
– Best in context of positive relationships
 Self Disclosure in Relationships
Degrees of Self Disclosure
• Depending on the breadth and depth
of information shared, a relationship
can be defined as casual, close or
intimate.
– Breadth of information given – the
range of subjects covered Clichés
– Depth of information given – the shift Facts
from relatively non-revealing messages Opinions
to more personal ones Feelings
 Reasons for Self-Disclosure
Self clarification
• Sometimes you clarify your beliefs,
opinions, thoughts, feelings and attitudes by
talking about them with another
Catharsis
• You self disclose “to get it off your chest”.
In a moment of candor you might reveal
your regrets for behaving so badly in the past
 Reasons for Self-Disclosure
Relationship Maintenance
• Research shows a strong relationship between the
quality of self disclosure and marital satisfaction
(Fincham & Bradbury, 1989)
Reciprocity
• You may choose to disclose information about
yourself to encourage another person to do so – but
do this responsibly as the other may not follow suit.
Reasons for Self-Disclosure
• Self-Validation
– Disclosing information with the hope of obtaining the
listener’s approval
• Identity Management
– Sometimes we reveal personal information to make ourselves
more attractive
• Relationship Maintenance and Enhancement
– There is a strong relationship between the quality of self-
disclosure and marital satisfaction
Reasons for Self-Disclosure
• Social Influence
– Revealing personal information may increase your control
over the other person and sometimes over the situation
– The strongest factor in why we disclose seems to be how
well we know the other person
– With strangers, reciprocity becomes the most common
reason for disclosing
 Risks of Self-Disclosure
• Rejection
– A: “I’m starting to think of you as more than a friend. To tell
the truth, I love you.”
– B: “I think we should stop seeing one another.”
• Negative Impression
– A: “I’ve been thinking that we should get another dog.”
– B: “To tell you the truth, I really don’t like dogs. I haven’t said
so before because I know how much you love them.”
 Risks of Self-Disclosure
• Decrease in Relational Satisfaction
– A: “I need to tell you something. I really don’t like it when you
want to cuddle so much.”
– B: “But I want to be close to you. . . “
• Loss of Influence
– A: “I’d like to give you the weekend off, but to tell you the
truth, I don’t get to make any judgment calls around here. My
boss makes all the decisions.”
– B: “ I guess I know who to ask if I want anything done.”
 Guidelines for Self Disclosure
Is the other person important to you
• Is the person someone you have an ongoing
relationship with so sharing will deepen this
relationship; or is it someone you relate to
on a less personal level but you see a
chance for it to grow closer – disclosing
may be the path to develop that personal
relationship
 Guidelines for Self Disclosure
Is the risk of disclosing reasonable
• Even if the probable results are great,
opening yourself to almost certain rejection
may be asking for trouble.
• On the other hand, knowing your partner is
trustworthy and supportive makes the
prospect of speaking out more reasonable.
 Guidelines for Self Disclosure
Is the disclosure relevant to the situation at
hand
• The kind of disclosure that is often a
characteristic of highly personal
relationships usually isn’t appropriate in
less personal settings.
 Guidelines for Self Disclosure
Are the amount and type of disclosure
appropriate
• Gradual disclosure makes better
relationship.
• Sharing too much too soon can lead to
negative outcomes
 Alternatives to Self Disclosure
• Silence

• Lying – reasons include to save face; avoid

tension or quarrel (white lie)
 Alternatives to Self Disclosure
• Equivocating – language with two or more
meanings
• A lazy worker: “You will be lucky to get this person
to work for you.”
• A person with no talent: “I recommend this
candidate with no qualifications.”
• A candidate who should not be hired: “Waste no
time hiring this person.”
 Alternatives to Self Disclosure
• Hinting – more direct than equivocal
statements; seeks to get a desired response
without embarrassing the receiver
– A hint aims to get a desired response
• Direct Statement
– “I’m too busy to continue with this conversation.”
• Face-Saving Hint
– “I know you’re busy; I better let you go.”
• Direct Statement
– “Please don’t smoke in here because it’s bothering me.”
• Face-Saving Hint
– “I’m pretty sure that smoking isn’t permitted here.”
End of Lecture