Light: Sacred

WOMEN
Of The
LIGHT
.w
The ISJew
Sacred Proj
5-
Navaho Blessed BeautyWay Prayer
Great Spirit, may we walk in Beauty.
May Beauty be above us so that we dream of Beauty.

May Beauty be in front of us so that we are led by Beauty.
May Beauty be to the left of us so that we may receive Beauty.
May Beauty be to the right of us so that we may give out Beauty.
May Beauty be behind us so that those who come after us may see Beauty.
May Beauty be inside us so that we might become Beauty.
Great Spirit, may we walk in Beauty.
as taught to Harley SwiftDeer Reagan

by Grandfather Tom Two Bears Wilson,
President of Navaho Native American Church
Digitized by the Internet Archive
in 2011
http://www.archive.org/details/womenoflightnewsOOstub
WOMEN
Of The
LIGHT
The New
Sacred Prostitute
edited by
Kenneth Ray Stubbs, Ph.D.
Secret Garden
Larkspur, California
Published by Secret Garden
P.O. Box 67-WCA
Larkspur, California 94977-0067
Copyright© 1994 by Kenneth Ray Stubbs

Each individual chapter is co-copyrighted by
Kenneth Ray Stubbs and its author.
All rights reserved.
Printed in the United States of America.
Cover Painting and Design: Richard Stodart
ISBN 0-939263-12-2
Library of Congress Catalog Card Number: 94-068626
10 98765432
Dedicated
to
Barbara Roberts
1922 - 1994
Contents
Introduciion: Of the Light 9
The Porn St.\r

Introduction 21
Juliet Carr 27
The Sex Slurogate
Introduction 45
Barbara Roberts 51
The Meditation Teacher
Introduction 77
Jwala 81
The Grolt-Sex Hostess
Introduction 99
Shell Freye 103
The Artist
Introduction 121
Bett\Dodson 123
The Masseuse
Introduction 147
CaroKn Elderberry' 151
The Call Girl
Introduction 179
Carol Queen 183
The FireWoman
Introduction 205
Stephanie Rainbow Lightning Elk 209
The Nurse
Introduction 227
Kathr.Ti 229
Conclusion: From Sexual Stereotype to Archeivpe 237
Appendices
A: Resources for Becoming a Wo/Man of tfie Light 243
B: Contacting the Writers 247
Acknowledgments 250
Index 251
Introduction
Of the Light
Introduction:
Of the Light
by
Kenneth Ray Stubbs, Editor
It just happened to be Halloween night, 1976.

As I walked up the stairs to the artist's loft of a stately San
Francisco Victorian in the outlandishly gay Castro district, it was
unusually quiet. Outside, Halloween in the Castro, an annually spon-
taneous local version of a sexual Mardi Gras, had not yet begun.
Inside, I was about to meet Betty Dodson.
11
72 • Women of the Light
Betty had written, self-published, and self-distributed Liberat-
ing Masturbation: A Meditation on Selflove, a small book dedicated to
women. Being outrageous and a fine artist, she had included fifteen
of her drawings presenting various shapes, colors, and sizes of

female genitalia, or cunts, as she preferred to call them. The book
had quickly become an underground bestseller, eventually selling
over 150,000 copies before becoming the mainstream hardcover Sex

for One of today.
In those early days of women's liberation and the feminist move-

ment, Betty was storming the barricades with her book in one hand
and a vibrator in the other. Her messages were revolutionary: cunts
are beautiful, women cannot be truly liberated
and until they take
responsibility for their own orgasms.
Betty's book was by a woman, about women, for women. But it

was also a book for me, a man who enjoyed being with women.
Liberating Masturbation was teaching me about variations among
women, about a wide range of sexual possibilities. Moreover, in
contrast to a fairly common theme of the times, Betty's book did
not point a finger of blame at the male gender. Subtly, her words
and art invited me also to open up, to grow. Betty celebrated sex
and orgasm and sensuality and pleasure and exploration... and I
wanted to learn more.

my late twenties, after teaching music in a Virgin Islands jun-
In
ior high school and sociology in an upstate New York college, had I
moved to San Francisco to study Jungian psychology and massage.

San Francisco was alive with evolving ideas, avant views on sex, and
new experiences integrating the spiritual East and the scientific West.
Attending massage school was to become one of the important
my life. Touch, presence, and connection began to bring
decisions in
me back to my body after spending so many years in my head in
academia. Massage became my medium— to relaxation, to medita-
tion, to forgotten pleasures.
Introduction: Of the Light • 13
Massage is intiinate, no matter how therapeutic the technique

names may sound, no matter how many sheets drape a client's sup-
posed modesty. In a really good massage, it would be quite possible
for either the giver or receiver to experience a variety of basic
human feelings, including sexual ones. Yet, in the massage pro-

fession, "down there" is regarded as the caste of untouchables.
The psychological denial of sexuality and genitals might be far
more obvious were it not for the per\'asive sexual repression/

suppression /oppression throughout our Judeo-Christian cultures.
Sooner or later, doing professional massage, one has to come to
terms with sexual energy or bum out and quit the profession. Most
just dig their sexual repression trenches deeper. A few quietly choose
to include genital massage when they feel it is appropriate. A few
feel sexual massage is not for them personally to give but compas-
sionately support the client in finding alternatives.
Eventually, rather than denouncing sexualit)', I came to terms

with the issue by developing a weekend course in erotic massage
for couples: gentle, flowing touch that accepted and nurtured all
parts of the physical-emotional body.

This was my background I explained to Betty in a phone con-
versation arranged by a friend who had taken Betty's women's
masturbation seminar.
Being a total stranger to Betty, I was surprised when she ac-
cepted my invitation to get together to compare notes on my erotic

massage senninar and her women's seminar, which as a male I could
not attend.
As I walked up the San Francisco Victorian stairs and reflected
on her provocative book, I was anticipating meeting an extraordi-

nary person.
From the moment Betty opened the door of the artist's loft, I
saw her grounded in her body, both legs planted on the floor. Her
voice was earthy; her manner was frank, forward, and self-assured.
—
Her presence quickly communicated that her sexuaUty was not a

commodity used simply to titillate or to manipulate. Nor was
her sexuality to be owned by others. As she had intimated in her
writings, sexuality was a path where she was discovering her
potential, her wholeness.
On a covered foam pad that served also as a floor bed, we

removed our clothing and began our evening of sexual revolution
show-and-tell. With massage oil, a few vibrators, and a few other

accessories, we demonstrated our genital techniques on each other
and ourselves. It was not to become an evening of what most would
term sex —there just happened not to be any fucking or sucking
but it was very sexual. .and more.
.
What we were really showing each other was far more than
technique. We were sharing a knowledge of a way of being, a para-
digm where sexuality resides at the center of the sacred circle. Some-
where deep inside, both of us had sensed as youths in the '50s that
sex does not equal sin. Yoga, massage, meditation, sex, and orgasm
had become our teachers. We had both been learning lessons from
the body: our own, our friends' and lovers', and what we had ob-
served from our clients' and students' bodies. That evening we
shared our visions.
Near midnight I walked back down the Victorian stairs, out into
the carnival. On the Halloween streets there were men dressed in
long, golden locks, with watermelon-sized red lips, and glitzy,
sequined dresses that even Marilyn would have envied. Through

unzipped leather jackets, women bared their breasts and revved up
their motorcycle engines, the butchest of vibrators. Hairy buns
peeked out of purposefully tattered jeans. All consensual sexual
activities and orientations were out of the closet.
Halloween is really a sacred festival time from the Old Religion

(a name sometimes used for a variety of European spiritual tradi-
tions predating Christianity). This festival celebrates the sun's

transit between the autumnal equinox (equal day and night) and
the winter solstice (the shortest day of the year in the Northern Hemi-
sphere). Unable to eradicate the older holy days and nights of often
Earth-centered, Goddess-oriented cultures, the patriarchal Church
of Rome had to co-opt the celebration, modifying and claiming the
festival as one of its own.
There in the Castro that Halloween night, probably very few of
the participants considered their earthy festivities a sacred rite. Sym-
bolically, looking back now, I see that evening as a pilgrimage for
me. I had visited the archetypal temple priestess as a part of my
personal spiritual quest. Having learned from her wisdom in her
private chamber, I reentered the temple grounds where a joyous cel-

ebration of our primordial pulse —our sexuality—was taking place.
my beginning days on a path where my sexuality

These were
was a primary catalyst in my spiritual quest. The promise of para-
dise in the Southern Baptist world of my childhood had became a
prison of the soul by my late teens: dogmatic moralities had procre-
ated only shame and guilt... and rebellion with a cause — life had to
have more meaning than what I had found in church.
In sex and massage I began to find some of that meaning. Then

my path crossed those of Betty Dodson and other women and men
who were tasting forbidden fruits only to discover that not only is
the tree of knowledge available to each individual but that the roots
of this tree are firmly planted in the pelvis. As we gained from within
ourselves and from one another more knowledge of our sexuality
and our spirituality, some of us became somatic teachers, our
pedagogy utilizing direct body contact rather than just talking-head
verbalism.
Over the centuries the role of sexual teacher/healer/initiator/
catalyst has been more often served by women than men. However,
as I met more contemporary temple priestesses, I realized that
much of what I was doing and teaching was similar to their sacred
16 • V/omen of the Light
sexuality practices. (My path has led me to teaching erotic massage

and sensate therapy, giving a six-hour sensual pleasuring ceremony,
and leading an intensely participator}'^ seminar on Love/Sex/God.)
Through meeting these visionaries of sacred sexuality and through
my experiences in my own teaching and ceremonial guide roles, I
began to realize and appreciate the profound nature of the temple
priest/ess, the archetypal sacred prostitute. My purpose in editing

and publishing this book is to share my understanding of the women
and men dedicated to this service and the role they serve as the new
sacred prostitute in the modem world.
"^
Women of the Light is primarily a collection of personally writ-

ten stories by nine women whom over the past two decades I have
come to know intimately, sometimes as professional colleague, as
student, as teacher, as friend, as lover.
Throughout the centuries and across cultures, they might
have been known as sacred prostitute, temple priestess, sexual healer,
sacred whore, Tantrika, or FireWoman. Euphemistically, today they
might be called women of the night — in a general sense, they all ex-
change sex for money. For me, they are women of the light, not light in
contrast to dark or black or night, but light in contrast to unaware,

unconscious, repression/suppression, and denial.
What makes these friends unique in contemporary times is not

that they are compensated for their sexual expression —in some way
most of us enter somewhere into the equation of time, attention,
affection, security, and other indirect exchanges for sexual connec-
tion, marriage being the predominant form in our culture. What

makes women of the light unique is that they exchange consciously.
Even more important, they provide a context of compassion and

wisdom in the exchange. They are teachers of the heart. They are
visionaries, stepping outside of constrictive, traditional beUefs about

women and men. Their bodies are their temples, to which they
invite others. Their purpose is to support a deeper discovery of the
spiritual flame that bums within us all. Sexual energy, in a broad
sense, is this flame.
In Paleolithic and Neolithic times, when "God" was more

likely to have been female than male, it seems to have been com-
mon for women and men to serve in the temples as spiritual-
sexual teachers, healers, and priest/esses, at least in European
and Middle Eastern areas prior to the rise of Judaism, Christian-
ity, and Islam.
Today women of the light no longer have a public temple where
they can share their sacred ceremonies openly. There is no lineage
down through which the sacred mysteries can be revealed from high
priest/ess to initiate. Legally, socially, and religiously, the sacred
prostitute is out in the cold.

Women of the Light is written by seekers who have discovered
within themselves, often by trial and error, a sense of the ancient
teachings where spirituality fully embraces sexuality, where the heart
nurtures the senses. Without the temple, without an unbroken lin-
eage, these women have been pioneers in a reemergence of these

ancient teachings and now are becoming the elders, the holders
of the wisdom, as most enter their fifties, sixties, and even their
seventies.
These women have enriched my life, and I wanted others to
know them at least through the printed word. For this book I asked
each to write down in her own words a short version of her sexual
and spiritual background, experiences, and insights. In most cases,
the autobiographical stories remain as originally written with mini-
mal editing. So the reader might have an even broader sense of these
unique teachers, I introduce each with some of our personally shared

experiences and my vision of some of her contributions.
While each chapter title ("The Pom Star," "The Sex Surrogate/'
"The Group-Sex Hostess/' "The Call Girl/' etc.) represents a pos-
sible contemporary occupational title, none of these individuals can

be reduced to a simplified caption. These pathfinders represent both
what we have been and what we can become, sexually and spiri-
tually. Each has risked and stepped outside the common culture
and found a more meaningful path that others might also explore.
Touch, the body, the sensual, the sexual, the spiritual —these are
the common themes throughout all the chapters, for these temple
priestesses are embodiments of profound teachings. Beyond these
themes, the stories present a wide spectrum of human sexual ex-
periences —their sexual lives are far from the ordinary. To the ex-
tent that we have repressed our sexual feelings and expressions, we

may find reading about these lifestyles to be challenging, possibly
deeply confronting.
My hope is that these personal accounts will open doors of
understanding. These women of the light have chosen a different
path than most and have discovered a wisdom available to us all.
Their lives, if we are willing, can shed light on our own.

Juliet Carr
The Porn Star

Introduction to
Juliet Carr
The first time I met Juliet was in a bathtub.
At the time, I knew her as JuHet Carr rather than by her screen
and stage name, Juliet Anderson. Juliet had become very popular as
the adventurous character Aunt Peg in a number of sexually explicit
films.
Knowing only that she was a pom star, I was curious when
Juliet phoned to arrange a time to receive the Secret Garden Cer-
emony. Juliet had heard about this six-hour sensual ceremony from
a mutual friend who was an actress in a pilot film depicting sexual
fantasies more typically expressed by some women. After filming a

long close-up of a man's hands gently caressing the whole length of
a woman's nude body, Juliet, the film's director, remarked how she
would love to have something like that scene happen in her real life.
Our mutual friend responded with a description of the Secret Gar-
den Ceremony she had received a few years earlier.
21
22 * Women of the Light
First, in a guided meditation with her physical body reclining

on a bed, she had been led into an imaginary meadow. There she
was invited to see with her inner eyes all the colors in the meadow,
to feel on her bare feet the texture of the earth as she walked across
the meadow, to listen to the winds, to feel their caress, to step
into a stream passing through the meadow, to float and to flow down-
stream, to surrender and become one with the water. As she drifted
downstream, a voice chanted a melody, encouraging her to let go

and simply he.
After a timeless time, the voice invited her consciousness to come

back to the physical world, to open her eyes, rise slowly, and accom-
pany the two men, robed in kimonos, standing beside her. As the
three entered the bathroom, she saw a single candle lighting the
bubbled bath waters. A fragrance of almost recognizable herbs filled
the mists.
After disrobing and entering the warm waters, she rested her
head on an air pillow as the two ceremonial guides presented a plat-
ter of ripe, sliced fruits with whipped cream. Meditative music in

the background blended with the tastes and the fragrances and the
warm glow of the candlelight. She and the two men were nude. They
were strangers becoming lovers, though lovers of a different kind,
dancing in the realm of the senses.

Following the feeding, she began to merge with the bath wa-
ters, this time physically, as four hands bathed her with peppermint
soap and loofahs, and rinsed her with sponges. To complete the bath,
a voice from one of the ceremonial guides asked her to slowly slide
forward so he could slip in behind her. Leaning back in his arms,
she could hear, embraced, with her eyes closed, the airy notes of a
silver flute played by the other guide. Together, the stillness of the
water, the warmth of the embrace, and the sound waves from the
flute wove an encompassing sphere, a space outside of time and
place. She went inside. .inside to the inner, secret garden.
.
The Pom Star • 23
Afterward she was dried and led to a massage table, where for
the next hour the four hands massaged her with feathers, furry mit-
tens, and fragrant oil. Finally, she was tucked into bed and read a
bedtime story. It ended with the words fly free across forever.
This was the experience our mutual friend described to Juliet.
The Secret Garden Ceremony, a journey that nurtured the senses,
was available for a fee. No sex was expected in exchange; neither
were the ceremonial guides likely to be sexually available.

It fit Juliet's fantasy. For her personally, though, she requested
that her ceremonial guides be a female and a male. As the co-origi-
nator of the Secret Garden Ceremony, this is how I came to meet in a

bathtub —and appreciate— ^Juliet Carr.
In such an intimate ceremony, where the recipient is invited to

entrust her body, her psyche, and her heart to two strangers, though
it be for only a few hours, she is revealed. Facades become veils
through which a deeper self is seen. Juliet describes herself as a bom

ham. In her Secret Garden Ceremony what I first saw was the
"onstage" persona; beneath was an immensely inquisitive spirit, with
a childlike wonder, ready to discover the next step. This natural
curiosity is one of her most valuable strengths, what has guided her
to solutions to deal with physical pain from an almost lifelong
illness.
After her ceremony I began to realize the benefits to Juliet in
being a bom ham. In a culture where sexuality is both segregated to

repressed ghettos in the mind and at the same time superficially
glorified with tinsel, Juliet's "onstage" persona has enabled her to
become a temple priestess, a sacred prostitute, in a modern, techno-

logical world. Not unlike Greta Garbo and Marilyn Monroe, though
in a different genre, Juliet became a star because of what her image
evoked in the vîewers watching the silver screen.
In the thought-provoking book entitled The Sacred Prostitute,
Nancy Qualls-Corbett, Ph.D., presents us with an understanding of

a concept that embraces the spirit and the flesh: the sacred prosti-
tute is a human being who embodies the goddess of love. In various
ancient cultures, there were temples devoted to the worship of the
goddess of love. Aphrodite and Venus being the most well known
in the modern Western world. In these temples, where sex was a
sacrament and ecstasy a divinely inspired state, the priestesses
often were sacred prostitutes. In a physical body, they were revered

as the Goddess's emissaries, the revealers and the holders of the
sacred truths, and sometimes the incarnation of the Goddess her-
self. Sexuality was celebrated publicly, joyously, sacredly, with the
sacred prostitute being guide, teacher, healer, transformer, catalyst.
Today the earthy goddess of love and sexuality has been dis-
placed by a sky god wrathfully punishing those who partake —too

much —in the pleasures of the flesh. The contemporary predomi-
nant religions emphasize the masculine in the sacred domain, but
the deep psychological need for the sacred feminine remains. She
the archetype of the sacred feminine, the Goddess, the goddess of
love — still lives, though through avenues deemed secular and some-
times crassly commercial: When there is no room in the religious
inn, where else can the human psyche turn to give birth to a sacred
child? Today the sacred-feminine archetype finds expression through

the images of the Garbos and the Marilyns and more recently the
Madonnas and the pom stars like Juliet, who have become the new
temple priestesses, their images projected onto the temple walls of
the movie theaters and the television screens where millions of devo-
tees pay tribute, enthralled when somewhere inside a chord has reso-
nated with the larger-than-life, feminine love /sex symbol.
Juliet became a porn star in her forties, guided quite unexpect-
edly into the genre by Spirit, her term for God/dess. She personally
enjoyed sex immensely, and though she felt the porn plots superfi-
cial, she discovered the films to be a new playground, an arena where

she could be on stage and express her creativity. She could be a
The Porn Star • 25
teacher encouraging her male and female viewers to expand their
sensual and sexual horizons, to awaken to the deeper meanings that

sex had brought to her own life.
Juliet's sex career has spanned from screen, stage, and phone
sex to giving and teaching erotic massage. After her Secret Garden
Ceremony, as I came to know more of Juliet's life, I found that she
genuinely cares for her viewers, fans, and clients. Though holding a
different belief than mainstream religion, Juliet is a missionary. Sexu-
ality has been a liberation for her, and she has a message to teach:
Sex is good, sex is holy.
The Porn Star
by
Juliet Carr
He reclines, nude, on his back, on a slightly raised futon as I
gently stroke his body from head to toe, alternating feather-light
touch with my hands, nails, fingertips, lips, tongue, hair, arms,

breasts, and full-body nude contact. His skin ripples with
"orgabumps" as the orgasmic energy intensifies. "Oh yes," he sighs,
"it feels so good!" Seeing his erect cock, he gasps, "Oh, my God. . .it
hasn't been this hard in years!" I smile and continue to caress his
ears, elbows, feet, and every inch in-between. I tell him it's OK to
27
surrender to the delicious erotic sensations, to feel instead of think,
to breathe deeply, and to let the energy slowly spread out from his
genitals to his entire body. I ask him to turn on his side into a fetal
position and hug the pillow. I am now able to increase the orgasmic
energy by repeatedly stroking from his buttocks up his spine and
down his back, arms, and legs. When he turns onto his back again, I
ask him to touch me so that our sexual energies can merge. He quiv-
ers in an intense orgasm. "Don't hold your breath," I remind him.
"Feel the release all the way from the top of your head to your
fingertips and toes." My hands gently and slowly continue their
caresses....
Afterward, we lie in each other's arms, cherishing the deep con-

nection we've made. This is Bill's first visit, and he is understand-
ably overcome with emotion —unable to hide tears of joy and a smile
reminiscent of a happy five-year-old boy. From our previsit telephone
conversation I know that he and his wife of thirty-two years haven't
been sexual for the last ten. They don't even touch anymore. He
hadn't been sexual with anyone since his marriage and had mixed
feelings about coming to see me. Now Bill confides that his cock has
been limp for many years —even on the rare occasions he mastur-
bates —and that his main purpose in seeking me out was to find out
if he was impotent. We share a laugh at the fun we've had banishing
his greatest fear. Along the way, he has also learned that his nipples,
ears, and ankles are sensitive and a real turn-on when stimulated,
and that orgasm is more than genital release. Since it is a one-and-a-
half-hour appointment, he gets onto the massage table, where I give

him an excellent therapeutic massage. I tell him that on his next visit
I will show him some touching techniques. . .that he can practice on
me.
Before Bill leaves I give him homework (I prefer homq?lea$uring):
(1) masturbate daily to learn to delay ejaculation while riding the
waves of orgasmic energy moving through his entire body, (2)
The Pom Star • 29
experiment with different types of stimulation on nongenital erog-

enous areas, (3) initiate nonsexual, gentle touch with his wife. We
part with a hug. "It's incredible to realize, Juliet, that your gifts would
brand you a witch, a slut, a whore in much of the world today. To
me you're an angel. I can't thank you enough."
Bill was, indeed, a happy man. Touching his wife gently, sensu-
ally, but nonsexually eventually aroused her passion, and their sex
life became fulfilling. That was five years ago. Bill continues to visit
me because what I offer fuels their flame —positively affecting not
only their marriage but the quality of their lives in general.
How did I get into this unusual profession? I didn't wake up
one morning a sexual healer /catalyst. The easiest answer is that I
retired from being an X-rated film and stage actress and needed an-
other venue for my sexual creativity.
At age forty I answered an ad in the San Francisco Chronicle:
"Attractive woman over 18 wanted for soft-core sex show. Lots of
fun, short hours, good pay" A few months earlier I had moved
to this city from six and a half years in Finland. I had not intended to
return to the USA, but Spirit directed me to "return home and begin
working on myself." Since my early twenties I had been aware that
I was guided by Spirit, which goes by many names: God, Goddess,

wisdom, the Divine, higher consciousness, intuition. I knew from
experience to be attentive, to listen, to follow. I had no idea what the
directive meant, but I knew I would eventually find out.
I specifically chose the San Francisco Bay Area because of its
reputation as Mecca for independent filmmakers. I had been a very

successful radio program producer of programs in English about
Finland that were distributed worldwide. I wanted to go from paint-
ing verbal pictures to filming documentaries. Patience not being one
ofmy virtues, was in despair of ever finding out what was sup-
I I
posed to do next with my life. was suffering from culture shock,

I
depression, lack of money and a job, poor health, and hominess when
I answered the ad, hoping for a little excitement, money, and sex\
Until then my health and happiness had mainly depended on sexual

satisfaction. In San Francisco I couldn't get laid no matter how I
tried. I had been ignorant of the large gay population and the scar-
city of available heterosexual men before moving here. My well-

being was at stake. I had to do something —quick!
Amazingly, I was hired for the show (providing I not reveal my
age to the boss). Even more surprising, the very next day I was of-
fered a role in a big-budget, high-quality, X-rated film. Pretty Peaches

by Alex d'Renzy. I intended it to be a one-time fling, but my Irmer
Voice told me this was to be my new path. Me, a porno actress?
Never in a million years would I have guessed it. Itwas not how I
had envisioned being involved in the film business. But I knew bet-
ter than to question Spirit, so I swallowed my fears and embarked
on my new career. I was in numerous 8 and 16 mm loops, 35 mm
films, and videos. In some I had a bit part; in others I was the star.
What set me apart from most other women in the business was my
age, my erotic imagination, and my genuine love of sex. I was a
mature, good-looking, sophisticated woman who gloried in her lust.

I realized that pornography was about fantasies, not to be taken se-
riously, so I developed a style that combined sex with comedy. I had

no guidelines, acting lessons, or even rehearsals, so I just did what
came naturally. I saved many a production with humor and impro-
visation. The scripts were so lame it was embarrassing. Since the
stories weren't meant to be believable, I did my best to at least make
them entertaining... and most important, to enjoy myself. Women
were also my fans —for at last they had someone they could identify
with. I quickly went from porno actress to "Sex Goddess," a title
bestowed on me by others. It seems that I had captured an audience

that was ready for an archetypal goddess of passionate sex.
We made so little money in those days (a few hundred dollars

per film and no residuals) that we all had to have other sources of
The Pom Star • 31
income. I took menial jobs behind the camera, wrote and posed for
the "skin magazines," was on television and radio talk shows, gave
lectures, did phone sex, formed a production company, and pro-
duced and directed several X-rated videos. As soon as I was well
known, I created stage shows which I took on the road. It was in
theater that I excelled. I was not the type to be a lap dancer or circuit
stripper. I was an actress, so I created a one-woman show with a cast
of characters: "Helen, the Housewife," "Cassie, the Cook," "Nurse
Naughty," "Elaine, the Executive" and many more —women who
beneath their facades of respectability were wanton and proud of it.
After a skit I would talk with the audience: answer questions, dispel
sexual myths, give useful advice on how sensuality and sexuality
can improve the quality of life, and was self-revealing about my
own journey and struggles to wholeness through the integration of
mind, body, and spirit. The final part of my show was a Polaroid
photo session in the lobby. Before each picture I gave the person,
usually a man, a loving hug. For countless men, it was the first time
in many years they had held a woman in their arms. The experience
never failed to be profound for both of us.
During these years I was attending a number of workshops on

personal growth, massage, and sacred sexuality, all of which greatly
influenced my current work. I also deepened my spiritual practice

through meditation and prayer.
After seven yearsknew it was time to quit the adult entertain-
I
ment business. I moved to a small town in the mountains and went

inward to ask for guidance for what I was to do next. While I waited
for an answer, managed a bed-and-breakfast inn, cleaned houses,
1
cooked and cared for children, went to therapeutic massage school,

and bought a home. After five years of voluntarily abstaining from
sex to replenish my sexual fires, I was ready for a lover and started
looking for a personal relationship. I didn't give a thought to pro-
fessional sex. Much to my surprise, after a few months of giving
Strictly what nonsexual massage therapists call "therapeutic" mas-

sage, the desire to incorporate the erotic arose quite naturally. Since
I couldn't do it in the conservative town in which I lived, one week

per month I went to Oakland where I practiced the art of sexual
healing through touch. Eventually the commute and living a double
life became a burden, and I moved permanently to the Bay Area,
where I now live.
Because my work is very emotionally and physically demand-

ing, I see a maximum of twenty-three clients a month. I must be
alert, rested, sensitive, centered, and maintain my psychic bound-
aries so that am not drained by clients' imbalances. This is difficult
I
to do! I spend a lot of time alone frequently going to my home in the
mountains to replenish myself. I wrote this chapter at the edge of a

serene, alpine lake. Quiet, beauty, and nature soothe my soul and
release my creativity.
Shortly before I moved back to the city, I had a hysterectomy in
which both ovaries were (unnecessarily) removed. What a shock to
discover that after the operation my libido had disappeared. I was faced
with the challenge of finding new ways to get turned on and to or-
gasm. I recalled the pleasant tingling I'd felt in my youth when my
skin was lightly raked with fingertips and nails. I expanded that con-
cept and added it to my erotic repertory. My clients and I were soon

having mutual, full-body, nonintercourse, multiple orgasms. Wow!
Most of my clients are married, thirty-five- to eighty-year-old
men who need nurturing more than sexual release, although they
rarely admit it. They answer my occasional ad in The Spectator: A
Sex Newsmagazine, published in Berkeley, California. All economic
and ethnic groups seek me out.
The session with Bill is a typical one with older men. Younger
men come to me for different reasons. If they are married, usually
they love their wives and children, and describe their marriages as
happy. But with their spouses also employed full-time outside the
The Pom Star • 33
home, intimate time together is infrequent and their sexual desires

are not met with their wives. Men are used to paying for pleasure
and don't hesitate to peruse ads for these services. The men I see
want woman who not only is comfortable with her sexuality but
a
celebrates a mature, caring woman who will uninhibitedly give

it:
and receive tender, loving touch; who will listen to, encourage, and
validate their sexuality. Often I am a man's only confidante. It is
well documented that men go to prostitutes mainly to be touched
and listened to. Ironically, by merely offering intercourse, high-class
prostitutes get paid double and more than what I charge even if
they only give the client a "handjob." Why then don't I have inter-
course? It's a health, not a moral, issue. It's not safe sex (even with
condoms, from my perspective), and it's not how I am to share my
body with clients.
Lately I have been getting a few women clients. Some are n\ar-
ried; others are single or divorced. They are twenty to forty years of
age, Caucasian, and middle-class. All are brave and curious about
their sexuality. They come to me from my workshops or lectures or
are referred by therapists. Occasionally, a husband or partner will
share where he has acquired his improved lovemaking and com-

munication why he has become easier to get along with.
skills and
Instead of being threatened, some of the women partners come to
me to learn more about their own erotic natures: how, when, and
where they like to be touched; what is sexually exciting; how to com-
municate their desires. For some women, their entire bodies are erotic
and what turns them on is more varied than many men would sus-
pect. I also show women different ways to pleasure a partner.
Most important, I emphasize women's right to full sexual lives
of their own design. To even admit being interested in sex is a pri-

mary taboo for most women. What about her lust. . .fantasies. .sexual
.
deprivation... fears? To get what she wants is a taboo that must be

challenged.
Occasionally I get couple clients. Tony and Anita offer a good

example of the benefits of experiential, sensual /sexual couple coun-
seling. They had a twenty-year friendship and a ten-year marriage
that was in danger of dissolution. They had been childhood play-

mates, then high-school sweethearts who married after graduation.
Slowly their marriage grew stale, communication broke down, sex
became predictable and infrequent. Tony has a vivid erotic imagi-
nation. Anita has a more practical nature. He compensated for his
unhappiness by overeating, she by overworking. When food failed
to fill the void, he looked for a play partner in The Spectator. I inter-
viewed him in depth before setting up an appointment. After three

visits the change in Tony was so noticeable that Anita asked him
what was going on. He took a chance and told her about me. Not
only was she totally understanding but asked him if I also saw
couples. Anita and I had a long talk on the phone, during which I
explained that she needed to have at least two sessions alone with
me. After that, me together if they so desired. That is
they could see
what they did, and their relationship thrived. We have also become
friends over the years. Every once in a while Anita tells Tony he
needs a "Juliet fix," and he gladly obliges. He nnaxinnizes the ad-
venture, first by making the appointment far enough in advance to
extend the titillation of anticipation, second by engaging himself

totally in our session, and third by basking in the afterglow and shar-
ing it with Anita for weeks afterward. Sometimes Anita comes to
see me alone for TLT (tender, loving touch).
Being in the second half century of my life, I can see some other
major forces that shaped who I am today. Most important, I got a
The Pom Star • 35
good start: conceived in love and raised in a loving and affectionate

family. My father was a talented musician, a jazz trumpet player
with the big bands and Hollywood studio orchestras in the '30s and
'40s. As the first Pinkey Tomlin "band baby," I also got lots of atten-
tion and affection from the forty-odd musicians and their wives and
girlfriends. From the time I could walk and talk, I was singing and
dancing —a natural performer who never hesitated when asked to
entertain my fannily and parents' friends. I was a bom ham! At age
three I already knew I wanted to be an actress. My parents, know-
ing firsthand the unsavory aspects of show business, were not about
to let their daughter be exposed to its perils. I was furious and acted
out my anger with high drama. Eventually I found other artistic
outlets: drawing, painting, writing, and pla)'ing the piano.

When I was ten years old, I became very ill with a variety of
mysterious ailments. For the next eight years, I was in constant, of-
ten excruciating pain, frequently in hospitals for tests or surgeries.

While my peers were enjo^Tng school, sports, and parties, I was bed-
ridden. I attended school sporadically, excelled academically, but
had no close friends and was physically awkward. My one constant
companion was pain.
I'm eternally grateful to my parents and sister during these dif-

ficult years for their unconditional love and lots of tender, loving
touch. As a family we had always scratched or lightly stroked one
another's backs, heads, faces, and arms. For me it became an anti-
dote to pain. From this experience I learned to associate loving touch

with healing.
An unfortunate discovery I made was that being ill got me the
attention I My bed became a stage, and perfected the role
craved. I
of the tragic heroine, my imagination fueled by books, dreams, and

radio theater. What saved my life was my strong will to conquer
my afflictions. When overheard doctors say that probably
I I
wouldn't survive an operation or at best I would be a cripple, I

was determined to prove them wrong. And I did! But not until I
went away to college and no longer had to follow the dictates of
doctors or my parents did I begin to get well. I took charge of my life
and sought out alternative approaches to health, such as yoga,

macrobiotics, acupuncture, herbs, and meditation. After an initial
adjustment period, the change in me was remarkable. Soon I was

backpacking, dancing, eating formerly forbidden foods — and
feeling better than I ever had. I still experienced pain, but it was
manageable.
When I went to college, in those days a girl went to find a hus-
band not pursue a career. In addition to warning me of the evils of
the entertainment business, my parents implored me to become nei-
ther an artist (it would undoubtedly bring me poverty and disre-
spect) nor a teacher (which would doom me to spinsterdom). So
naturally I chose a major in art and a minor in English —intending

to teach both. The "good girl" rebelled! And then there was sex\ But
this was the '50s, and nice girls didn't do it until marriage. But al-
ready at seventeen I knew marriage and children weren't part of my

plans. After so many years of confinement and acquiescence, I craved
freedom and independence. I was curious about the societal preoc-
cupation with sex, so I decided to find out about all the hoopla. I
methodically orchestrated the loss of my virginity by being fitted
for a diaphragm, choosing the man, and promising intercourse if
we could first spend the summer kissing and exploring each other's
bodies. My parents had given me some sex education, but up until
age twenty I had never "played doctor," kissed a boy, or dated. I'd
not even had the desire to masturbate because my abdominal/geni-

tal area had always been a source of pain.
The summer of '58 was fun. And true to my word, the night
before my first lover returned to a distant college, we "went all the
way." This was a momentous occasion for reasons besides getting

virginity out of the way. Specifically, through intercourse with my
The Pom Star • 37
lover, for the first time in my life, I felt shivers of pleasure coursing
through my whole body. Wow! He rolled over and went to sleep,
while I lay awake savoring the implications of my discovery. Later I
learned that endorphins, natural pain inhibitors, are released dur-

ing good sex. At that moment, however, all I cared about was that I
floated free of pain. I was astonished, ecstatic, and an immediate

convert to the healing aspects of guilt-free sex. Lust had liberated
me from the torments of chronic pain. I didn't care if parents, church,
or society disapproved, sexual passion would be my "drug of
choice." I wasted no time seeking out men who weren't intimidated
by my assertiveness, intelligence, and lust, and who were willing to
pleasure me the way 7 liked —and I didn't hesitate to show them
how. Thus began my lifelong search for wholeness through the inte-
gration of mind and body, spirituality and sexuality.
It wasn't until 1992 that I finally found out the cause of my life-
long health problems. I have two genetic diseases: manic-depres-
sion and Crohn's disease (an inflammatory bowel disease). Both are
incurable but treatable. Knowing this helps explain my years of ab-
dominal distress, mood swings, hysterics, and breakdowns. Nowa-
days, I use Western, Chinese, and East Indian Ayurvedic healing
systems to keep both illnesses under control.
When I was twenty-one, I was lucky enough to meet a randy
young sailor with a heart of gold, the body of an Adonis, and a cock
of steel, who agreed to teach me all the things he had learned in the
numerous whorehouses he'd visited around the world. He was a
gentle, loving teacher; I was an eager, passionate pupil. If sex was
going to play a crucial role in my life, I wanted to be good at it! We
were friends as well as lovers and still keep in touch by mail after all
these years.
For the next thirty years I had numerous relationships with men
in many countries. Not only did we share adventures and great sex,
but my partners, not just I, became more balanced and healthier. I
was onto something else —not yet aware, however, of its significance.
Not surprisingly, there my attitude and

was a conflict between
that of Christianity regarding sex. When we were teenagers, my sis-
ter and I attended the Burbank Presbyterian Church. Every Sunday

our parents, who were atheists, stayed home and made love while
we went to church. It was the first place I felt accepted. I sang in the
choir, taught Sunday School, joined the Youth Group, and chose to
be baptized at age sixteen. It was during this time I felt that God had
special plans for me or "He" wouldn't let me suffer years of illness.
But then I got into trouble for questioning the accuracy of the Bible,
as well as the discrepancies between parishioners' piety on Sunday

and their unchristian words and deeds the rest of the week, and
other puzzling inconsistencies. I was reprimanded and told I lacked
faith. Needing to be liked and to belong to a group, I shut up and
was obedient —until I discovered sex. I inquired of several denomi-
nations and they all said sex outside marriage was a sin —no excep-
tions. This radically changed my attitude about Christianity. I just
knew that anything that felt so good and had the power to heal was
right and holy. I had no trouble choosing between Christianity and
Sex. After an initial period of agnosticism, I explored other philoso-
phies and religions throughout the world. I may have given up the
Church, but not my belief in the Divine. Nowadays, I obser\'e the
seasonal changes with Native American rituals and Goddess rituals

with women's groups. My meditation practice is from the Theravada
Buddhist tradition called Vipassana, or Insight Meditation.
I am frequently asked why I haven't pursued a higher de-
gree than a B.A. Why didn't I become a marriage, family, and
child counselor or a sexologist? I purposely chose not to take the
academic route, because I would be unable to touch my clients
without risk of having my license revoked. I am a teacher, but I
can only teach what I know from sensate experience, which in-
cludes sensual touch. I use my body as a laboratory and pass on
The Pom Star • 39
what I learn —about diet, exercise, sex, spirituality.
There are many kinds of hands-on healing. What characterizes

my work is was bom with a gift of tender, loving touch and
I I teach
that sacred sexuality is a means to health. I regard the body as the
temple of the soul. We must give the body healthy food, exercise,
relaxation, and good sex. we neglect our bodies, we live fragmented

If
lives. To honor the body requires that we honor our sexuality. But
there are few safe outlets for exploration in this area. By creating a
conscious and sacred space and by establishing emotional and physi-

cal boundaries for us both, I offer people the opportunity to explore
their sensuality, to be vulnerable, and to be lovingly accepted as
sexual beings. As long as the sessions are mutually enjoyable and
positively affect both of our lives, we will continue our "erotic dance."
Most of my clients see me regularly— for up to eight years.
I have tried other, more socially acceptable professions, but I
have always gravitated back into the sexual arena. For years I won-
dered why I was given this role. I now realize that being a sexual
healer/catalyst is a blessing. By guiding others on their journeys to
wholeness by honoring their erotic natures, I am able to maintain

my own health and happiness.
When am asked what my profession is,
I I create a title to suit
the circumstances: mind /bodywork facilitator, therapist, teacher,
relationship counselor. These satisfy the superficially interested.

Nowadays, sex educator is socially acceptable and garners few re-
quests for details. When I feel safe, I openly admit to being a "sacred
erotic artist" and offer details if asked. I regard myself as catalyst, a
visionary, a sexual healer, a sacred intimate. I deeply believe in my
work and am committed to being a guide for those who seek con-
nection with the Divine through their sexuality.
How others view me depends on who they are. To other sex
professionals I am a colleague, to sacred-erotic am a goddesses I
sister, to religious radicals I am a whore, to the "establishment" I am

a dilemma, to pom fans I am a sex queen, to some of my clients I am

a saint, to different members of my birth family am everything I
from an embarrassment to a great role model whom they love be-

cause of or in spite of my lifestyle. keep a low profile at home so
I
my neighbors probably think of me as a middle-aged massage thera-

pist and counselor who likes children and animals, works in her
yard, recycles, often wears baggy clothes and no makeup, drives an

old car, and lives a quiet, simple life with her partner, their two cats,
lots of books, and no TV.
I doubt I could do my work without the unconditional love and
support of my partner, Charles. We have been together since 1989
and both We met when he came to
see this relationship as lifelong.
see me as a client, so he is intimately acquainted with what I do. He

admires my gifts, respects my work, is patient with my difficult tem-
perament. He is my anchor, my safe harbor in the storm. Our rela-
tionship is based on friendship and love, not on sex. He holds me
when I cry and is learning to stand his ground when I get bossy. So
what if he hates vegetables and exercise, wears mismatched clothes,

and likes cowboy music —obviously if he weren't an eccentric, we
wouldn't be together.
Mine is not an easy life. I must be discreet and circumspect
careful in whom I confide. I would like to be able to take my work
outside the Bay Area, and I wish I could share my gifts with more
women, to help empower them in their sexuality. It helps me to re-
member that throughout history, visionaries often have been vili-
fied by the majority. My heroes and heroines have been those who
rocked the boat.
One of the most important validations came from the late
Rev. Carol Knox, minister of a local Unity Church. During my years

in the adult entertainment industry, she commended me for doing
"missionary' work" —by stressing the importance of not splitting
spirituality from sexuality, by reaching people who would never go
The Pom Star • 41
to church or to a therapist, and especially by living what I taught.

When I first added the sexual dimension to my massage work
in 1987, 1 was concerned whether or not it was "right livelihood," so
I consulted with one of the most respected Vipassana teachers in

this country. He askedme where the impetus came from. I replied
without hesitation, "My heart."
He put my concerns to rest. "Spirit works in many ways," he
said. "Be grateful for your gifts, and use them wisely."
Barbara Roberts
The Sex Surrogate

Introduction to
Barbara Roberts
I first heard of Barbara Roberts from her daughter, who was

leading a meditative sexuaHty seminar. Barbara's name continued
to come up in conversations with fellow sexologists, the term for
people who academically study the interdisciplinary field of human
sexuality. Barbara had become one of the first sex surrogates in
California. She had also established at her Los Angeles sex therapy
center a training program for other women and men who wanted
to become professionals in this innovative, if not revolutionary,
approach to sexual dysfunctions.
While the Secret Garden Ceremony was never intended as a

therapeutic process nor does it focus on sexual functioning, there
are several similarities with sex surrogacy. As an opportunity to meet
one of my hero/ines, I offered Barbara a gift of the ceremony, and
she accepted.
I
45
Barbara would probably not fit anyone's expectations of a sex

pioneer. A nun— that could easily be a first impression seeing her
on the street. Outwardly she is both unassuming and unobtrusive.
Conservative, almost nondescript, often characterizes her clothing.
Any makeup there might be is barely noticeable. Her voice is soft;
her manner, quiet though purposeful. Her subtle smile emanates,

suggesting an inner peace and inner knowing.
In a sense, Barbara is a nun. I think of her as a bodhisattva, the
Buddhist name for an enlightened being who chooses to remain in
the continuing cycle of death and rebirth until all sentient beings
become enlightened and can leave the cycle together. In her mid-
sixties Barbara had several intense energetic sexual experiences that
led her to search much more deeply into her spiritual nature, a
path she had already been exploring for many years. She conse-
quently retired from her active practice as a sex therapist, sex surro-
gate, and founder/director of the Center for Social and Sensory
Learning in order to devote more time to her spiritual quest, even-
tually studying closely with a Buddhist monk. Even now in her sev-
enties —the eldest of the women of the light writing in this book
Barbara teaches to her fellow retirement home residents a weekly
"personal explorations" class on "mindfulness in living and in
dying."
Barbara Roberts is also a rebel with a cause; her conscience has
led her far outside society's ways. She was active in civil rights ac-
tivities in high school before World War II, and during her college
days served as a union organizer. A 1946 graduate of the nontradi-
tional Antioch College and a licensed social worker living in Penn-
sylvania, she discovered nudism and, as she says, "drug my hus-
band and children off to a join a nudist camp." She was involved in
the early days of the women's movement. When she learned of
the counterculture developing on the West Coast, she pulled up

stakes from her psychotherapy practice in Philadelphia and
The Sex Surrogate • 47
headed to California. There, as a sex therapist, she attended Mas-

ters and Johnson's first training in sex surrogacy.
Before William Masters, M.D., and Virginia Johnson's publica-

tion of Human Sexual Response in 1966 and Human Sexual Inadequacy
in 1970, most sex therapy was basically a lengthy verbal/mental
process in the psychotherapist's office, often talking about childhood

traumas. Sex is somatic, but the therapeutic process touched only
the psyche.
Masters and Johnson brought the body back to sex, at least to
sex therapy. They made two significant contributions: sensate focus
exercises and sex surrogates, two rather clinical terms for some rather
simple concepts. Sensate focus means to focus on sensations, to be
consciously aware of the sensory experiences occurring in the body.
In sensual /sexual actions we often get so caught up in our expecta-
tions, our comparisons with the past, our passions in the moment
thatwe become unconscious of the moment. In our ravenous con-
sumption, we miss the subtle, sweet nectar. Sensate focus exercises
are designed to help couples experience more fully and more pro-
foundly the sensations that are already there in lovemaking.
But what if you do not have a sexual partner? This is where the
fimction of the sex surrogate comes in. Masters and Johnson, be-
cause they were in the medical field, were able to legitimize the use
of sex surrogates. Writing for other psychological and medical clini-

cians, they selected for the new profession a title that I feel leaves a
lot to be desired. A sex surrogate is by no means merely a substitute

set of genitals. Educator, ceremonial guide, and catalyst give a more
complete connotation.
The standard procedure is for a client with a sexual dysfunc-
tion to begin therapy with a sex therapist. Then, if a sex surrogate is
needed, the therapist selects an appropriate surrogate. The client

has some sessions with the surrogate only, some with the therapist
only, and some with both.
Sex surrogates are unique within the field of sex therapy be-
cause they use their body directly, physically, intimately, with the
client. Teaching how to give and receive sensitive touch, developing
social and communication skills, always role modeling the concepts
of nonperformance and nondemand, and when therapeutically ap-
propriate, having manual, oral, or genital sex with the client —these
are the sometimes essential functions a therapist cannot, will not, or
does not know how to do.
As a sex therapist, Barbara felt she could not know how to uti-
lize fully a sex surrogate unless she herself had experienced the role
firsthand. So, again being a rebel with a cause, she chose to be trained
as a surrogate, a rather uncommon occurrence for a therapist. More-

over, since Masters and Johnson provided surrogate-assisted therapy
for heterosexual male clients only, it remained for other pioneers
such as Barbara to train and use surrogates for heterosexual and

lesbian women and gay men.
In the modern world, sex surrogacy is the most legitimized of
the roles available to today's temple priestess. The temple, however,
must now be disguised as a psychological or medical clinic. Now a
worshipper must have a pathological condition; a sexual disorder
classification is the temple entrance requirement. The psychothera-
pist and medical doctor have become the new high priest/ess. And
because a sex surrogate usually works under the auspices of the
therapist or doctor, the new sacred prostitute is given legal and
social sanctuary.
Barbara is keenly aware that working within a pathological

framework has severe limitations. At the same time she knows sex
therapy and surrogacy serve an immensely valuable healing func-
tion for many members of society. In personal conversations she
expressed she has "felt led" to step outside the mainstream in order
to serve others in the mainstream.
Barbara Roberts has ventured in her seventy years where oth-

ers fear censure. While risking societal disapproval, she has been
able to remain centered and grounded. Her quiet but determined
nature has opened doors for others. Her courage to be free is a model
for us all.
The Sex Surrogate
by
Barbara Roberts
Jay was divorced. He'd been dating but hadn't found anyone
with whom he wanted to spend a lot of time. He'd had sex with
some of the women he'd dated but found it not ver\' satisfying. In
fact, he was having trouble with coming too fast. Sometimes he came
just at the point of penetrahon. This was extremely embarrassing.
Especially with the women he liked the best, the ones who were
pretty and sexy, he had the most trouble. He'd decided to find out if
sex therapy would help.
57
When Jay and I first talked, he told me that he was divorced

and had settled on living the rest of his life as a bachelor. He wasn't
interested in getting married again, but he did want to have a nor-
mal and satisfying sex life. All he wanted was to learn how to hold
back his ejaculation long enough for both him and a partner to come
to orgasm. He asked me if there was any solution to his problem. I
told Jay that there definitely was but that he would need to have a
partner to practice with. Jay said that he didn't know anyone he
would feel comfortable asking to do that. It was too embarrassing. I
asked what he thought about working with a surrogate partner.

Jay knew that I used surrogate partners to assist with the sex
therapy — that's why he had chosen me as a therapist — ^but he had
many questions. What if he wasn't turned on to the surrogate? Since
she was the expert, if he learned how to perform with her, how could
he be sure that he would be able to function with other women?
I told Jay that, from my experience, if he learned the things he
needed to learn with a surrogate, it was almost guaranteed that
he could do the same later with partners of his choice. I explained
that he would learn the magic wasn't in the surrogate but within
himself. One of the causes of sexual problems is the belief that it's
the other person who is responsible for one's turn-on and satisfac-
tion. At first he would just have to take my word for that and find
out for himself as the therapy progressed.

matched Jay with Ann, an experienced surrogate who was a
I
couple of years older than he, attractive but not what society would
call a raving beauty. Jay wasn't thrilled with my choice but agreed
to give it a try. During the feedback times with me after Jay and Ann
had been alone doing touching exercises, Ann had to do most of the
talking. She said that Jay followed my instructions very closely but
that he didn't share much of how he was feeling about it all. Nor
could I get him to talk about it. All he would say was that it was OK.
He seemed to be unusually reticent.
Ann, on the other hand, told me and Jay how much she enjoyed
his touch and how comfortable she felt with him but that she wished
he would share some of his feelings with her. She was feeling "left
out" and didn't know if he enjoyed himself, even a little bit. I too
wondered what was behind his silent facade.
During a subsequent session, Ann and Jay ended early, urgently

wanting to talk with me. Ann had been giving Jay a face caress,
silently and slowly exploring every line and contour. Suddenly Jay
grasped her hands with his as he tried to choke back the tears that
were welling up in his eyes. In that moment Jay realized that what
he really wanted was a close, intimate relationship with a woman,
not just the abiUty to perform sexually. He had felt a tenderness and
involvement with Arm, which he had not thought possible. After
all, she was only his surrogate, someone he would never see again
when the therapy sessions ended. Now, at last. Jay was beginning to
believe that Ann really did care for him. The fact that she was not
his ideal type just seemed to fade away.
Ann told Jay that she was relieved and complimented that he
had finally shared some of his inner self with her. She explained
that, yes, she did care for him and wanted him to be able to live his
dreams. And, equally important, she was able to thoroughly enjoy

the touching exercises because not only did his touching feel good,
but during her surrogate training, she had learned how to enjoy the
experience of touching others. Thus she was not totally dependent
upon another's skills and responses to make her feel good.
This was a breakthrough! It was now dear that Jay's silence
was a cover-up for his fears about getting close. Now the unresolved
issues surrounding Jay's divorce and the denial of his need for
emotional closeness could be addressed constructively in therapy.

Concurrently, Jay and Ann would continue in their client/surrogate
relationship working to improve both Jay's sexual capacities and
his capacity for intimacy.
Privately Jay confided to me that he was getting to like Ann a

lot but did not know what to do about it. I encouraged Jay to tell her
just how he was feeling, reminding him that there would be no
chance to do that after the therapy was over. He needed to make the
most of this opportunity.
I would be there in our joint therapy sessions to help Jay and
Ann end their relationship when that time came. I knew, and Ann
knew, that when Jay had developed more confidence in being able
to relate intimately to a woman, both sexually and emotionally, that
separation could take place without undue pain.
When I first established the Center for Social and Sensory Learn-
ing, a Los Angeles sex therapy clinic specializing in the use of surro-
gate partners for single men and women, my focus was intimacy in
sexual relationships, not just the reversal of sexual problems. My
view was that even a one-night stand could be intimate. It all had to
do with having a positive view of sexuality, self-esteem, and respect

for one's partner. I was excited about the prospect of using surro-
gates as part of sex therapy because only through the trial and er-
ror of experience have people been able to learn about sexuality.

As with any other physical skill, book learning isn't enough. But
this was the first time that experiential learning in the sexual realm
had the chance of becoming a socially acceptable model.
Masters and Johnson shocked the world with the publication

ofHuman Sexual Inadequacy, in which they wrote of their successful
use of a new experiential therapy called sensate focus. With this
method, couples were able to overcome sexual problems far more
successfully than with talk therapy alone.
When these successes became known, many single men ex-

pected to be able to use similar methods for their problems. To
Masters and Johnson the only solution was to provide surrogate
partners. In explaining his reason for so doing. Dr. Masters stated:
single dysfunctional males are "societal cripples.... If they are not
treated, it is discrimination of one segment of society over another"

(Tzme, May 25, 1970, p. 49).
At that time, providing sex therapy partners was both contro-
versial and courageous. Dr. Masters was not, however, courageous
enough to offer single women the same opportunity as men. He felt
that both the professional community and the public at large would
not accept that radical a breach of what seemed to be the prevailing
morality. But Masters and Johnson's first step had opened the door
for surrogates subsequently to be used with anyone who had a sexual
problem: men, women, gay, straight, couples, the disabled, sex
offenders —even teenagers!
Following Masters and Johnson's example, a handful of thera-
pists began specializing in sex therapy using the new sensate focus
approach, and here and there therapists also began to use surro-
gate partners to assist in the therapy. The use of surrogates was
the wave of the future, and I decided to get in on the ground floor.
I had been a psychotherapist for over ten years, but being a

staunch believer in experience as the best teacher, I decided that I
needed to work as a surrogate myself before I could train and su-

pervise others as surrogates. Therefore, I participated in the first
surrogate training program ever conducted, a weekend of sensate

focus exercises, held in San Bernardino, California. Rudimentary as
it was, it was a great start. Thereafter I offered my services as a sur-
rogate to several therapists in the Los Angeles area. While there was
a good deal of theoretical information available about human
sexuality, how to use this information to help clients working
with surrogate partners was not yet developed. In the beginning it
was necessary for surrogates and therapists to work closely together

to establish the standards for this new type of therapy.
My first client was a man with multiple sclerosis. At age thirty-
two he had never ever touched or been touched by a woman in an
affectionate way. This was to be my ultimate test. First I had to teach
Bill to wipe the drool from his chin. My second task was to protect
myself, in the midst of a close embrace, from the spastic flailing of
Bill's arms, hands, head, and legs. Interestingly Bill's spastic reac-
tions were less frequent and less intense once I had begun a body
caress. I was also surprised, and delighted, that he was able to learn
enough about pleasing a woman that there was a good chance he
would be able to relate sexually to other women of his choice.
Working as a surrogate with my second client turned out to be
a great privilege. The therapist had only told me that this fifty-eight-
year-old man was "inexperienced." Seeing Neil once a week for a
month, I followed all of the therapist's instructions for teaching the
ABCs of sex. Then Neil said he had a secret he could no longer keep.
Neil was a Catholic priest. He told me of the agony he had gone
through making the decision to go to a sex therapist and asking to
work with a surrogate. For many years he had counseled couples

regarding their marital and sexual relationships. He felt that he was
a compassionate and understanding person. He had been trained
for this work. Yet, not knowing what an intimate sexual relation-
ship was like from his own personal experience, he had always felt
inadequate in his counseling.
With me he was breaking his vows of celibacy. He had very
consciously chosen to do so and was glad that he had done so.
However, he did not know whether he would reveal this fact in con-
fession.
Neil's rationale was that this experience with me was a neces-
sary part of his education, not just a personal sexual adventure. Only
under the supervision of a qualified sex therapist would he allow
himself to do this. I certainly was not one to judge his decision, nor
had the therapist who also had been taken into Neil's confidence.
Even if Neil's motive had been pure lust rather than education, I
would have felt that a great honor had been bestowed upon me for
being chosen to share in this momentous event.
After working as a surrogate with several other clients who had

various problems, including premature ejaculation, impotence,
delayed orgasm, and lack of desire, I felt ready to open my own sex
therapy clinic. While Masters and Johnson had shown that using
surrogates was much more successful than just talking about sex, it
was still far from being an accepted professional practice. After all,
wasn't it providing sex for money? And wasn't that the same as
prostitution? Didn't that make me a madam? I often had to answer
these accusations. I was continuously being bombarded with requests
for interviews and TV appearances. And I took on all comers in
order to have the opportunity to explain what surrogate-assisted

sex therapy was really all about.
There are several major differences between what a surrogate

does and what we typically think of a prostitute doing. Frequently a
prostitute provides only the sexual experiences that are asked of her.
Inmany cases her job is simply to provide instant gratification. She

may never see the client again.
A surrogate's main purpose, rather than just to provide sexual
pleasure, is to how to reverse specific sexual
educate the client in
problems. And it is the therapist, not the surrogate or the client, who
decides what activities are appropriate in view of the overall therapy.
A course of therapy is likely to take several months or more. And, in
most cases, sex (defined as genital stimulation and orgasm) is the
least of it.
The fact that money is paid — for the services of a prostitute, a
surrogate, or a sex therapist — is not the issue. We live in a society
where monetary exchange for goods and services is the rule. The
intent of those who insist upon comparing surrogate-assisted sex

therapy with prostitution is to demean and discredit both. It is a
reflection of our basically repressive culture regarding sexuality.

As to me being a madam, I was so confident that my use of
surrogate partners was therapeutically advantageous that I didn't
give it a second thought. Only after twelve years of practice did we
have a minor crisis at the center. After several talk sessions with me,
I assigned a young man to work with a surrogate in hopes of revers-
ing his problem of reduced sexual desire. In the middle of his first
session with the surrogate, the man burst into my office telling me
that he was on the vice squad and that he needed to ward off a
planned raid on the center. During just the first half hour with the
surrogate, he had become convinced that we were a legitimate sex
therapy clinic, not a front for anything against the law. That was the
end of that!
Being thought of as a madam was so far-fetched that it really
was not a problem for me at all. Nevertheless, some people were

convinced that being a sex therapist automatically implied having
prurient interests. For me it was not uncommon at social gatherings
for people to hold me at arms' length because they were intimidated
by my expertise. Sometimes I would be "hit on" in hopes of getting
a free lesson in sexuality. Then there were the inevitable snide sexual
jokes, which showed that my companions, many of them profes-
sionals, were not always that comfortable in confronting the subject
of sexuality in a candid manner.
None of these things daunted my determination to become the

very best sex therapist I possibly could. Helping people accept and
respect their sexual urges as a natural part of life and helping them
to have satisfying sex lives was compelling for me. As a child I'd
had several sexual experiences initiated by adult men. There had

been no violence nor threats of violence. Yet I was sworn to secrecy
and knew, from an uneasy place deep inside, that this was not
socially acceptable behavior. The most traumatic part, however, was

that I was blamed for being seductive and made to feel guilty.
From that time on I searched for understanding about this most

powerful of human energy: sex. I observed, asked questions, read
everything I my hands on, and experimented wherever
could get I
could. In order to learn even more talked my husband into having

I
an open relationship for a short while, in which either of us could,
by mutual agreement, have other sexual partners. From all my

searching I could only conclude there was something radically wrong
with the attitude toward sex in our culture. The most important
thing I discovered was that, despite the fact that we are continually
being bombarded by sexual images and sexual innuendo, our society
basically denies the value and beauty of sexuality. Therefore we are
taught very little about it, being left to discover what little we can,
through a great deal of fumbling and bumbling and embarrassment.

What masquerades as sexual freedom is often only a rebellion
against the lies, secrecy, hypocrisy, and ignorance about sex that our
culture imposes upon us. We have been given the message that our
sexual urges and attractions are bad. They are not. They are natu-
ral and beautiful. However, in our ignorance, how we act upon those
urges is often what turns the sublime into the horrific!
Sex therapy utilizing experiential methods and surrogate

partners became for me a way of making sex right both for myself
and for my clients. I also hoped my work might have a redeeming
influence upon some of the negative sexual attitudes in our culture.
In the beginning the only people interested in becoming surro-

gates were those who had taken the same weekend course as I had.
As could be expected, these were people who were quite com-

fortable with their own sexuality. They were caught up in the ideals
of the sexual revolution. Most had come through the struggle of over-
coming their own sexual hang-ups and problems and wanted to pass
on their knowledge and skills to others. Together we began estab-
lishing techniques that we felt would be the most successful in
helping clients. We worked not only with those who had specific
problems, such as premature ejaculation or trouble having or-
gasm, but also with clients who were simply naive about sex or
were having difficulty in establishing meaningful relationships.
As surrogate-assisted therapy began to prove its effectiveness
and gained more acceptance, more surrogates were needed. Also,

as we learned more about the clinical dynamics of the client-surrogate
relationship, it was obvious that rigorous, professionally supervised
training was necessary. In response, I organized the first ongoing
training program for surrogates in the Los Angeles area. Likewise,
there were training programs conducted by therapists in San Fran-

cisco, New York, Chicago, Toronto, San Diego, and other metropoli-
tan areas. The International Professional Surrogates Association also
established its training, as did a gay psychologist in Los Angeles,
for gay surrogates.
The training program I established at the Center for Social and
Sensory Learning included both men and women from their twenties
into their sixties. Course requirements consisted of a minimum
of seventy-two hours of both didactic and experiential learning,
including class attendance, home assignments, a supervised intern-
ship, and continuing on-the-job training.
Although Masters and Johnson had not used male surrogates,

the policy of the center was that women deserved the same op-
portunities for experiential sex therapy as men and that this was
professionally viable. In the sexual realm, as in so many others,
most women had not yet gained the same freedoms as most men.
Thus, fewer women took advantage of the education they could re-
ceive through surrogate therapy. Also, women were rebelling against
being defined by the standards of male sexuality. In order to help
women define themselves sexually, at times we had a female surrogate
work with a female client, even when both were heterosexually
oriented. As a result of our policy, we always had several women
clients in therapy, some with a female surrogate, some with a male

surrogate.
Wendy was one of these women. Wendy thought that she was
incapable of having orgasms. She told me that her ex-boyfriend had
tried everything. So many times she would be right on the edge, but
nothing ever happened. Her boyfriend accused her of holding out

on him. In a way she was because she wouldn't let go. She was hold-
ing on for dear life, afraid to surrender.
Wendy had always felt that men were doing something to her
to make her respond. That made her tense and angry. She hated the
idea oi giving in. That felt like defeat instead of joy. In her experience
men had always called the shots during sex, and she thought that
was what made it easy for them to have orgasms. Wendy claimed to
like sex and wanted to have orgasms, but for her it had become a
power struggle. She blamed both her partner and herself. She was
desperately confused.
Chuck was Wendy's surrogate. I had them spend a lot of time
just caressing for the pleasure of caressing. Nothing more. Each

session they caressed a different part of the body: hands, face,
feet, back, and front (excluding genitals at first). Since Chuck
wasn't putting pressure on her to respond in any particular way,
Wendy began to learn that there could be a lot more to sex than
orgasm. I reminded her that she had told me "nothing ever hap-
pened" during sex. She had been so focused upon trying to have
an orgasm that she had missed out on all the fun of hugging,
kissing, and caressing.
—
I asked Wendy if she liked dancing because moving to rhyth-

mic music is a lot like surrendering to one's feelings during
lovemaking. As might be expected, she felt inhibited dancing. After
much probing, I discovered that Wendy was learning to ski. During

her previous lesson, she had mustered up the courage to go over a
small hill where she could not see what was on the other side. It was
frightening, but once over the crest the skis automatically carried
her safely down to level ground. She was exhilarated.

I told Wendy that a similar exhilaration could come from let-
ting go into her orgasm. It was not a question of "giving in" to
her partner but surrendering to the sensations within her body

surrendering to the process of lovemaking. I assured Wendy that
making love does not have to be something people do to each other

but rather it should and can be an ecstatic blending in the fulfill-
ment of mutual desires. But first she would have to learn what her
desires are and then how to ask her partner for what she wants. This
was difficult for Wendy, but finally when she was able to communi-
cate openly with Chuck about what pleased her, she was able to let
go into her own feeling of pleasure and then into her own orgasm.
By the end of therapy she felt confident enough to initiate sex again
with her old boyfriend and help release him from the pressure of
thinking he was not a good lover because he couldn't make her have
an orgasm. Thus their power struggle was resolved, and the boy-
friend learned a thing or two from Wendy as well.
From personal experimentation and my sex therapy prac-

tice, I learned a lot, not only about the physical aspects of sex but
also about the importance of values, attitudes, expectations, and

hidden assumptions.
Paul came to therapy to overcome impotence. He was seventy-
two years old but had never before had a problem. He was filled
with shame and despair. His wife, Janet, had recently been diag-
nosed with Parkinson's disease. Paul admitted that he was afraid
that lovemaking might not be as acceptable to her as in the past.
That, in itself, was a probable contributing factor for his impotence.
EHiring our first session, Janet asked him, "But why did you move
into the guest room?" Paul, stuttering and obviously wondering how
she could possibly ask such a question, replied, "Why can't you
understand? I've told you: I just can't get it up anymore." Janet
replied, in just as annoyed a tone of voice, "Yes, I know, but that
shouldn't stop us from cuddling!"
Obviously they had a major conflict of values. Paul did not know
any way to express his love and affection other than through inter-
course. Janet felt deprived because Paul refused any physical close-
ness. Paul felt cuddling would be too arousing, and since he had no
way of following through, that it would be frustrating for both.
Both Paul and Janet had a lot to learn about the physical as-
pects of sex, even after almost fifty years of marriage, but their as-
sumptions and expectations had to be confronted first. Because the
tension was so great between them, with Janet's permission, I had
Paul work with a surrogate. In this way he could learn the value of
cuddling, with or without an erection. And, since the pressure was
off, he could also learn how to let his erections come naturally again.
Then I had Paul and Janet do some of the exercises at home together.
Gradually he learned that there are more ways to express love then
always having a hard and long-lasting erection. Janet learned that
what she wanted as expressions of loving attention did not always
meet the expectations and needs of her husband. Therefore, she also
had to leam new ways of satisfying her husband, which, at the same
time, did not endanger her fragile health. Paul and Janet were back
in bed together. And for both, the myth had been exploded that
the only way to show love and affection or to allay sexual and
emotional frustration is through intercourse and orgasm.
Learning about the expectations, hopes, and fears that underlie
the concerns the client expresses at the beginning of therapy is made
much easier with the assistance of a surrogate partner. Because the
client and the surrogate have had no prior relationship, there are
no vested interests to protect, and no ingrained habits of how they
relate to one another to overcome. That allows each of them to be
more open, more candid, and more vulnerable with each other. Thus,
what has been hidden, even to the client, or kept secret for some
reason can be brought out into the open. That enables all three of us,
the client, the surrogate, and the therapist, to learn many things that
are of great importance to the success of the therapy.
One client, a policeman in his late twenties, was still a virgin.
Vem had many inhibitions, but with the help of Marion, his surro-
gate, he slowly overcame them. In fact, Vem did not even have the
basic social skills. So, I had him take Marion out on several pretend
dates. Only after that did they get to the bodywork. After several
more weeks, when all of the preliminary touching exercises had been
done, I gave the assignment for Vem and Marion to take turns giv-
ing each other a front-body caress, including casually touching the
genitals. I emphasized that they were not to concentrate upon
the genitals for the purpose of arousal or orgasm but merely to
include them as just another part of the body.

When it was time for feedback with me, Vern was distraught.
As he walked into my office, he was apologizing profusely to
Marion. He felt guilty because in touching her genitals, she had
not had an orgasm. His deeply ingrained beliefs about how sex
is supposed to be were now surfacing. And my very specific in-
structions about not striving for orgasm had bounced right off
him. What emerged was the beUef that touching genitals should
automatically lead to instant orgasm, and that he was totally re-
sponsible for producing that response in his partner. Now, having
this hidden belief exposed, Vern had gotten to one of the main
causes for his fear of initiating sexual relationships. The imagined

responsibility was too much for him.
But what was of more importance, in the long nm, was discov-
ering through the initial emphasis on Vem's sexual problems that
Vern was intimidated by women in every way. He had gotten the
message in his childhood that men were expected to wait upon
women hand and foot and always give in to their desires. This was
the imagined responsibility that was too much for Vem. After this
burden had been relieved in therapy, not only did Vem's sex life
radically improve, but also his life with parents, friends, and on the
job. In fact, this was the case for most clients. Since sex is usually
the one aspect of a person's life that is kept the most secret and is the
most fraught with conflict, if one confronts and solves sexual prob-
lems, then coping with the other aspects of life becomes easier.
No matter what problem the client presents as being of imme-

diate importance, a basic lesson to be learned is that we all must be
responsible for our own pleasure and our own orgasms. We cannot
expect our partner to do it all for us, and then if things don't go the
way we like, blame the other person.
To learn how to take responsibility for ourselves and then to
share our pleasure with a partner can be learned. The secret is to
pay attention to how we feel when we are touching our partner rather
than thinking about whether we are doing it right. If we are touch-
ing in a way that pleases ourselves, most always that will be pleas-
ing to our partner. If not, our partner has the responsibility of letting
us know. This way there is no guessing or pretending or blanung,
and trust is built. And no, it is not selfish, because when we fill our
own well of pleasure to overflowing, the pleasure will then flow
from us to our partner. But learning these things takes practice, and
everyone does not always have a willing and knowledgeable com-
panion with whom to practice. That is why the role of the surrogate
is so important. Again, these are lessons for improving life in gen-
eral, not just for improving one's sex life.
In working with hundreds of people ovêr a period of more than

two decades, it has become evident that the individual problems of
clients are merely reflective of the problems surrounding sexuality
in the culture in which we live.
Every social culture from the beginning of time has regulated

sexual activity for the purpose of maintaining stability in the soci-
ety. It has been shown from the studies of primitive cultures that
a society that had both unambiguous and open attitudes toward
sexuality had less violence within that society and less violence to-
ward other peoples than in more repressive cultures.
In modem Western societies the messages about sex are ex-
tremely contradictory and confusing. We have no traditional rites of
passage nor meaningful ceremonies to initiate young people into
informed adult sexuality. I hoped that my work might establish stan-

dards that could help people of all ages have less confusion about
sex and intimate relationships. Much to my professional satisfac-
tion, there were several enlightened parents who paid for a full course
of surrogate-assisted therapy so that their sons could be initiated
into the wonders of their own sexuality. How lucky to have subse-
quently been those young men's girlfriends or wives! I often wished
that parents would take that same enlightened vîew toward sexual
initiation for their daughters, but it was not yet the time for that. I
predict, however, that that day will eventually come.

was very strong that sex should
Until recently, the message
be limited to marriage and monogamy. Yet everyone knows this
standard is continuously being broken. But more often than not,
it is broken in secrecy and with guilt. Our standards are very
hypocritical. What we say and what we do just don't jibe.

We are led to believe through the incessant references to sex in
the media that we live in a society that condones open sexuality, but
when examined more closely, most of what is shown on TV, in the
nnovies, or in print is labeled "X-rated" or "for adults only," which

implies that the sexual activities depicted are really not OK. And,
although sexual innuendo sells everything from baby lotion to trucks,
the link between sex and violence is more prevalent than the seduc-
tive soft sell.
The number of children sexually abused, the number of teen-
age pregnancies, the spread of AIDS, the high incidence of rape, and
the millions of people who are unhappy in their sex lives shows that
in our supposedly open and free culture things have really gotten
out of hand. The authorities who shape our attitudes toward sex
attempt to make us believe that these problems are caused by too
much openness toward sexuality. Just the opposite is true. It is the
unwarranted sexual repression that causes sexual exploitation and
aberrant behavior. Both the stifling of sexuality and the inevitable
rebellion against prudery and ignorance is what puts us at the mercy
of our sexual urges rather than being personally in charge of our
sexuality.
I have said that sex is natural and beautiful. But there is a flip
side to believing that sex is natural. Bob was very reluctant to come
for help. He had two older brothers who were always boasting about
their sexual exploits. Bob, however, couldn't seem to get to first base
with women. He felt very awkward, not ever knowing what to say
or do.He thought that something must be terribly wrong with him
because he expected that when he was with a woman, everything
would just happen naturally Bob firmly believed that because sex is
a natural biological function that there is no need to talk about it nor

leam about it. And if he hadn't finally learned more about sex by
some means or another, all of Bob's pent-up sexual urges and
feelings of frustration might have violently exploded without his

intent. The help of a surrogate saved him from such a plight. Bob
was astounded by all the wonderful things there were to know about
sex and realized that ignorance is not bliss.
Using the argument that sex is natural and therefore need not
be discussed and taught in the schools, on TV, or in surrogate-
assisted therapy is most often just a cover for the attitude that any
reference to sex is sinful. What in reality is sinful is not talking about
sex, not respecting and honoring our natural sexual feelings. Con-
demning and preventing all attempts to learn what sex is really all
about is actually the root of the evil.

What is desperately needed are clear, unambiguous stan-
dards of sexual behavior that support the responsible and joyous
expression of our sexuality. But this cannot be achieved in theory
only. Such standards can only become effective through societally
approved experiential learning. Surrogate-assisted therapy has
proven to serve that purpose.
An example of how confused cultural standards take their toll
can be seen in Saul's story. Saul's wife had recently walked out on
him. She called him a sex maniac. He thought it was
He was angry.
his right to have sex with his wife whenever he wanted. He didn't
understand why his wife didn't accept that when he was horny, he
needed to relieve himself; it was not a matter of choice. It seemed that
he was homy all the time. In fact, the more his wife rejected him, the
homier he got. And masturbation was for Saul an unacceptable sub-

stitute, even once in a while. He had been taught that masturbation
was bad. He did it, sometimes, but only because he had to.
In therapy, at first, all Saul could do was vent his anger, and he
kept trying to get me to tell him that he was justified. I told Saul that
I didn't think many women would go along with his sexual demands
but that he could learn to be the boss over his strong sex drive rather
than letting it rule him. Saul was shocked when he realized that, in
truth, he wasn't in charge of himself, but he was afraid that if he

went along with my suggestions, he would lose his sex drive. How-
ever, he seemed to have no other choice than to give sex therapy a
chance.
Saul was amazed to learn that he could turn his sexual energy
on and off at will. He could increase it or decrease it. He could move
it around into different parts of his body. And with his surrogate he
discovered that he could have a satisfaction that was far more than
just physical release. In one of the exercises I assigned, I had Saul's
surrogate repeatedly stimulate him to just the edge of orgasm and
then disperse the sexual energy into other places in his body. Then
just before the end of the session, she stimulated him to orgasm.
Saul discovered that he did not need to suffer the intense frustration
he had felt in the past when he didn't get the instant release that he
thought he had to have. In this process, Saul's rigid ideas about sex
were replaced by his own personal experience, which gave him much
more control over his sexuality and at the same time a feeling of
more sexual freedom. He was no longer locked into his self-imposed
limitations. No amount of trying to talk Saul into believing that
there was another way could have done that.
But how surrogates can possibly work with angry clients like
Saul is an often asked question. How can surrogates be caring and

understanding with clients they not only don't know but may not
even like? Everyone has at least one likable trait and surrogates find
those traits in their clients. They have been trained to look beyond
the surface into the vulnerable essence which is in all of us. But many
clients do have characteristics that could put anyone off, just as many
70 • Vômen of the Light
of the rest of us do. For instance, a client may be an incorrigible
pessimist, always complaining about everything. The surrogate, un-

derstandably, could be both angered and discouraged by this be-
havior. These are real-life feelings. But with the therapist as moni-
tor, in the same way as with married couples, there is a chance of
resolving whatever feelings may come up between the client and

the surrogate. In this way the client can learn more effective meth-
ods of communication, which can be used in subsequent relation-
ships. It is, in fact, the irritating traits of clients and the difficulties in
the client-surrogate relationship that serve as grist for the therapeu-
tic process.
Another safeguard for the surrogate, and the client too, is that
because they have not known each other previously, they are not
emotionally entangled with each other. That allows the surrogate
and the cHent to have more objectivity. In addition, the temporary
nature of the therapy allows for authentic emotional involvement
without the danger of becoming too dependent upon each other.
Also, of utmost importance, surrogates must have their needs for
intimacy and sex met in their personal relationships outside of the

client-surrogate relationship. And most clients are not looking for a
permanent relationship with a surrogate, but rather are looking for-
ward to establishing relationships of their own choice, also outside

of the client-surrogate relationship. These factors enable surrogates
to wholeheartedly play the role of helper and for clients to accept
that help without feeling any pressure to meet the needs of the
surrogate.
Finally, the close monitoring of the developing relationship be-
tween surrogate and client, by the therapist, provides protection for
both the client and the surrogate from inappropriate and potentially
damaging emotions. Further protection is provided by the therapist's
role as negotiator in dealing with the feelings involved in the
separation process at the completion of therapy.
For those who were not familiar with these built-in protections
for both the client and the surrogate, the most loaded question ever
asked was: "What if the client and the surrogate fall in love?" as if
falling in love were the worst possible fate. This question was
intended to imply that it was likely that the client, being in a vulner-
able position, would become overly dependent upon the surrogate
and therefore be emotionally damaged. Thus this question alone was

meant to invalidate the whole premise of surrogate-assisted therapy.
My answer always was: "I hope they do fall in love." That was a bit
facetious, but in all seriousness I did expect that the client and the
surrogate would develop closeness, caring, love, and respect for each
other! For the client, the relationship with the surrogate may be the
first opportunity, ever, to experience what intimacy is all about! And
hopefully for both, despite the inevitable difficult aspects, the rela-
tionship will have been both enjoyable and rewarding.
Unfortunately, the use of surrogates as assistants in sex
therapy has declined during the past few years, mainly due to
the influence of sexual repression in our society and the fear of
venereal disease and AIDS. The decline in the use of surrogates,

for these reasons, need not be. The guidelines of safe-sex can be
used and the physical contact between the client and surrogate
can stop short of penetration and the exchange of body fluids.
Ninety-nine percent of what clients need to know about sexual-

ity and intimacy can be learned far short of having intercourse.
When the public learns about the unequaled value of surrogate-
assisted therapy, demands for the use of surrogates will undoubt-
edly influence therapists to incorporate them into their practice
more frequently.
While surrogate partners have been used primarily as adjuncts

in therapy for those with sexual problems, it gradually became clear
to me that what was being taught is of univêrsal value. The training
for surrogates and clients alike imparts knowledge about healthy
sexual relationships that can apply to everyone. It was this realiza-
tion which led me to offer the Sexual Enrichment Experience, a class
for people who did not necessarily have specific sexual problems
but who wanted to learn as much as possible to enrich their sexual
relationships.
From what was discovered from the training of surrogates,

working with clients with sexual problems, and the sexual enrich-
ment program came the joining of sexuality with spirituality. This
led to advanced classes, in which the sacredness of sex was the fo-
cus, using some of the ancient principles of Tantra and the Tao. Also,
a few of the most experienced surrogates taught these principles to
interested clients on a one-to-one basis.
Surrogate-assisted sex therapy and sexual enrichment programs

are perfect models for urgently needed sex education. We now have
the knowledge to create ways in which people of both genders and
people of every sexual orientation can be initiated into joyous,
responsible, and enlightened sexuality. All that is necessary is the
demand that this knowledge be made available on a widespread

basis. May that day come in the very near future!
Four months before the publication o/Women of the Light, Barbara

Roberts died. She had written her chapter during a period when her cancer
was in remission. A month before her last breath, she wrote a letter to many
of her friends, part of which is reprinted here:
Since my diagnosis of lung cancer six years ago, I have been

successfully fighting to stay alive and to have as much quality of life
as possible.
Clinging to hope for a physical cure at this time is false hope.

But I do hope that my death can be pain free and peaceful. How-
ever, full acceptance means letting go of even that.
Coming to the truth about my life and my death has already

made me feel more at peace. I no longer have that awful feeling of
not knowing what the future holds. The future holds the death of
my physical body and yes I do believe the continuation of my spirit.
Knowing this, I am now free to ponder about how I wish my death
to be. Much of that is out of my hands. What I can do is touch base
with you and say good-bye.
In the afternoon of June 2, 1994, Barbara awoke, looked at her son and
her daughter holding her hands, took a deep breath and let it out, and then
took one more short breath as she died peacefully.
JWALA
The Meditation
Teacher
Introduction to
JWALA
Jwala arrived exhausted at my door. She had just driven up

from Los Angeles to teach a seminar here in the San Francisco Bay
Area. In her usual gypsylike lifestyle, she was carrying in her blue
ten-year-old Chevy sedan most of her worldly possessions, includ-
ing a prized musical instrument, a large tambura from India, the
country where she has spent many of her recent winters following
the sun and her spiritual quest.
Jwala (pronounced jeh-WAH-lah) is a meditation teacher,

though not of the kind most would think. She is a sexual-meditation
teacher. Generally meditahon is characterized by attentiveness and
mindfulness. More relaxation and inner peace often accompany. In
her seminars and individual sessions, Jwala teaches how to bring
these qualihes into the sexual expression. Ceremony and sensuality

are central. Friction sex and "slam, bam, thank you, ma'am" are
replaced by sacred sex, the title she selected for her recent book.
77
Jwala is a Tantrika, a follower of Tantra, which is the name for
several similar spiritual traditions coming from some schools of Hin-

duism and Buddhism. Tantra is a Sanskrit term sometimes con-
sidered to be derived from translations of to weave, sometimes from
a combination of to expand and to liberate. The Tantric philosophy-
expresses views often in sharp contrast to those of ascetics and
hedonists.
Asceticism, a strong undercurrent in many fundamentahst reli-
gious belief systems, considers anything that is pleasing to the senses
as obstructive of or destructive to spiritual attainment. Pleasures of
the flesh are addictive or make no real contribution to the individual

and One must abstain and avoid; sometimes self-inflicted
society.
pain is believed to make the follower more deserving of God's mercy.

To the ascetic, there is something inherently negative or evil about
the body; combining sacred and sex into a single concept would be
blasphemy. After yielding to temptation, one must seek atonement.
In hedonism, quite to the contrary, one intensely pursues
gratification of desires. There is a grasping attempt to consume.
Without continued titillation of the senses, life looses its luster. An
ascetic pointing a finger at such behavior would label a hedonist as
indulgent, decadent, and narcissistic.
In contrast to asceticism and hedonism, Tantra teaches neither
to damn nor to crave the body and the senses. Rather than being
obstacles, our sensations and feelings become the vehicles of spiri-
tual growth when we embrace the sensory experiences and trans-
form their energies through meditative prachces.

This philosophy encourages full participation in all aspects
of life, including our sexuality. In Tantric sacred sex we honor
the Divine within ourself, our partner, and the cosmos. Conscious
choice and consent are primary. We shift from s/n, guilt, evil, and
addiction to love, joy, compassion, and equanimity. We seek at-one-ment,
not atonement. In Tantra we celebrate the heart and the senses.
The Meditation Teacher • 79
This is what Jwala teaches. And when she arrived at n\y door to
be my houseguest during her series of seminars in the Bay Area, I
was indeed looking forward to hearing of her travels, insights, and

gurus in India. I had had profound experiences studying with a
Tibetan lama in residence in America but had never visited the lands
and peoples from which Tantra had originated. The next hour I was
to learn nonverbally more about Jwala and Tantra than from all our
talks during the friendship that was to follow.
Seeing Jwala's exhaustion, I invited her to lie down on her back
there on the living room carpet for a few minutes of nnassage begin-
ning with the muscles on her neck and upper back. Perhaps for half
an hour the massage continued, my hands being continually drawn
toward her heart area. To complete, I lay one of my hands on top of
her heart area while the other cradled her neck. Slowly I lifted my
hands from her physical body and remained sitting cross-legged in
meditation near the top of her head. Sensing her energetic field with
mine, I relaxed into our connection.
A moaninglike sound began to emerge from Jwala as an explo-
sion of energy shook my body. heard her volume intensify and
I
opened my eyes just enough to see her upper body arching. We were
both entering a state of energetic orgasm —fully clothed, with no
seductive intents, no erogenous zone touching.
Except for a few phone calls and one five-minute face-to-face
introduchon, Jwala and I were strangers. For years both of us had

been meditators with sexuality at the center of our spiritual paths.
And now our energetic bodies were making love in ways that mas-
ters of Tantra, Taoism, and other mystical traditions have described
over the ages.
To understand the sacred prostitute, we have to be open to the
possibility that sex is more than and sometimes other than penis-
vagina intercourse, oral-genital congress, anal intercourse, or mas-
turbation. Sex can be an energetic dance. In the ancient temples where
—
sex was a sacrament, learning how to develop and direct the "subtle,
energetic bodies" was likely often a part of the esoteric knowledge
passed on to initiates of the priest/esshood. What to us may look
like "getting laid" was often actually a form of laying-on-of-hands
healing. One went to the sacred prostitute to become transformed
to be bom again. I
Though Jwala thinks of herself as a teacher of the sensual /sexual
arts rather than a sacred prostitute, she knows and seeks this mysti-
cal, energetic dance. Yet following this path, "the path of fire" as she
calls it, means paying a price. Because she has chosen to be openly
sexually free, she has encountered oppressive responses from au-

thoritarian men and women and institutions. She knows, however,
that the price of submitting to repressive regimes of the mind and
body is far greater. So she continues to seek. Her spirit must dance.
Others who wish to be free, she invites to join her dance. Many of us
have. And for this, we are enriched.
The Meditation
Teacher
by
Jwala
I was bom in Boston to a dentist and a housewife. Soon my

father joined the military and we were stationed here, there, and
everywhere. Change became a part of my life, and had to learn to
I
make new friends wherever we landed. My parents didn't go to

church, but I was told that I was a Protestant. I went to church
because I liked singing the hymns. After the service one Sunday, I
81
joined the congregation mingling outside. What I overheard seemed

so trivial. The women were talking about one another's outfits, and
the men were talking about cars and the prices of things. I was so
turned off and disillusioned that I stopped going to church. One
hour of piety followed by a week of mundane trivialities seemed to
me the height of hypocrisy.

Around this same time I remember my first conscious aware-
ness of my sexual energy. It was at my twelfth birthday party, and
we were playing a kissing game. The boys all sat in chairs, and the
girls came and sat on their laps to give them a kiss. The boy would
say, "Pass," and you'd move on to the next boy. If he said, "Fail,"
you'd stay and give him another kiss. Friends couldn't believe I
wasn't worried about my parents coming down and what they might
think. I jokingly said, "Are you kidding? They fight and get drunk
and argue. How could they object to us being down here having
such a good time?"
Years seemed to pass by with only a few crushes and make-out
sessions. I was an enthusiastic teenager for the most part, and I chan-
neled a lot of my sexual energy into sports, artwork, and being a
cheerleader.
At sixteen, I had my first religious experience while staying at

my girlfriend's house. was upstairs in the guest room, and all of a
I
sudden was hit with a bolt of white light and fell onto the bed. A
I
loving presence filled my body and Jesus was there. felt an incred- I
ible calling to serve people, yet I didn't have a clue how that would
later manifest.
My next spiritual inspiration happened at eighteen when Up

With People, a spiritual singing group, came to town to perform.
This is a group that aspires to four principles: honesty, purity,
unselfishness, and love. Its message is the unification of humanity. I
knew I had to be with them, but my parents said no because I had

had a chronic skin disease for two years. I was so determined to go.
I sought out a healing and found a new doctor. Within weeks, I
was healed.
Shortly, I joined the traveling show and loved the singing and
dancing and meeting new people. There was no dating in the group,
but after a year with them I began to fancy one of the men in the
company. We talked, joked, and sometimes took walks together. Then

one day I was called in my association with
and reprimanded for
him. I was outraged. We were being natural and innocent. We never

did anything overtly sexual and had great energy for each other
(years later he was the first man to propose to me). Very upset, I left
the group after that scolding because I felt something was unnatural
there. Little did I know the trouble this free, wild-spirited woman
would encounter for expressing such naturally erotic, open, loving,
innocent energy.
Another favorite man, whom I'd dated since age seventeen, kept
in touch with me by letters and phone calls. We started getting closer
and seeing each other more often. Finally he decided to get a job in
my town for the summer so we could be close to each other. I loved

this man and had known him for four years. We'd been told by his
parents that we had to wait until marriage before having intercourse.
I didn't see why we should wait anymore and wanted to go all the
way, so I went down to the health clinic and bought some birth con-
trol pills. Finally at age twenty-one, we two virgins did it! It felt
wonderful, and I couldn't believe that we had waited so long. Need-

less to say, neither of knew anything about sex, being virgins grop-
us
ing in the dark. Then I began to wonder why we hadn't been taught
about sex, since it seemed to be an important thing in our lives and
almost everyone else's. After a while I realized that I seldom had an
orgasm since it took me so much more time to get ignited than my
partner.
Within a few months, my boyfriend met the woman of his

dreams in the park and wrote me a "Dear John" letter. I was shocked
and hurt. I knew was no way to end such a long and deep love
this
relationship. I wanted a more compassionate way to disconnect, so
I called him and we spent our last weekend together. He was defi-
nitely no longer available to me.
my spiritual growth was in full swing. At twenty, I had

Luckily,
been introduced to 3HO kundalini yoga: hatha yoga positions with

fast nostril breathing. I don't recall feeling so "high" from anything
before. Also, I began studying the graceful movements of Tai Chi
and Chi Kung. The next year I began taking metaphysical classes at
the Teaching of the Inner Christ and became more body-mind-spirit

aware. This spiritual group not only gave me a spiritual foundation,
but it also embraced positive sexuality.
Then I had an experience that would change my life forever. I
met a man on the beach, and he asked me if I'd like a massage the
following week. He arrived in the afternoon on Wednesday and told
me to take off all my clothes. I was suspicious for a few moments
but then relaxed because I really wanted to be touched. He had
learned, sensual hands, and my body drank in his touch like a
sponge. He touched me in places I was barely aware of—in between

my toes, on my "third eye," on my perineum, which he gently
pressed. He spent hours giving pleasure to me without sexually com-
ing on to me. When he finished, he kissed me on my forehead and
quietly left. Who was he and how did he know how to touch me so
exquisitely? I found a fountain in his fingertips. We began to date.
He was a fantastic lover, giving me lots of foreplay, so slow and

deliberate, and I started having orgasms more often. Finally I said,
"You don't seem to be in a hurry to get done with lovemaking like a
lot of men. You are so gentle and giving." He said he'd been studying
Tantra with a local couple. They turned out to be graduates of the
Teaching of the Inner Christ, where I had been studying recently.
Within weeks, he tookme to my first Tantra teachers. Sensitive,

tasteful people, they took me under their wing. They stripped me to
the bare essentials —nudity on all levels. They began by massaging

away my body armoring, a term introduced by Wilhelm Reich. First,
both of them together would massage me for several hours with
long, deep strokes. Then she would leave and he'd say, "Now I'm
going to erotically turn you on, and I don't want you to move a
muscle or strive to come. I'm going to bring you to orgasm even if it
takes two days." Well, all kinds of emotions came up to block my
pleasure, mostly feelings of rage toward my father, which came out
in crying and screaming. Similar sessions continued each week with
much resistance on my part. I was able to follow his instructions to
breathe into my genitals and just let go into orgasm. Finally I did,
and I exploded into pure consciousness, white-light egolessness,

no-mind... bliss.
Such ecstasy I'd never known before, although it was some-
what similar to the spiritual visitation by Jesus when I was sixteen.
With this orgasmic ecstasy began my integration of the concept that

sex and spirit are one energy, our very life force. Tantra is a teaching
that harnesses pleasure, vision, and ecstasy —celebrating them rather

than repressing them. Tantra stands for the view that sexual energy
is a divine, all-encompassing life force that sleeps within the indi-
vidual, permeates the universe, and affects everything we do from

birth to death. As sexual beings, we have the ability to raise that
energy within ourselves and use it to directly experience altered or
mystical states of consciousness. In effect, we become "gods" and

"goddesses," our bodies transformed into temples of male and fe-
male divinity.
Another turning point in my life came after an evêning when I
attended a Tantra class and then went to a political meeting. At the

end of the intensely blissful Tantra class, the teacher had said, "Now,
don't disperse this incredible energy you feel among yourselves,
but take it out into the world to those you meet next." I was so high
and clear when I arrived at my political meeting. The evening was
to train us how to handle possible confrontational situations at the
next day's rally against the local nuclear plant. Within an hour my
high was gone, and by the end of the meeting I had a migraine head-
ache. That was the night I changed from the outer revolution to the
inner revolution, from fear to love, from banging my head against

the wall to healing my own life. Tantra became my path of surren-
der —my release from rigidity and struggle.
My teachers soon saw that I was very in tune with the Tantric
teachings and began training me as an apprentice. I remember one
of my homework assignments was to go to a party of friends and
practice giving facial and head massages that I had just been taught.
Part of the instruction was to focus on breathing, without getting
involved in conversation. On one level, it was an experience of my
unconditional love, but it had a Catch-22 along with it. In those days,
almost all the receivers were men, and most of the women were too
uptight or resistant to let me touch them. A week later, I heard a
rumor that I was trying to steal the boyfriends of others at the party.
When I heard that, I was so crushed and hurt. I cried buckets of
tears. I was naive about others' potential fears and hadn't shared
with people that I was doing healings and not coming on to the
men. I had left the party alone, feeling so content with having shared
a new skill that made people feel nurtured and pleasured.
Soon I was almost always
realized that touch in our society
associated with sexual come-on or meant that one had a sexual
motive in mind. As I progressed, I saw that the primal need to be
held and cuddled and experience physical closeness and affection is
denied for the most part to many people. Therefore, the art of touch
became one of my major contributions to myself, to my lovers, and

to my clients.
My health co-op was meeting to take over management of a
local spa. In the middle of the meeting, the manager came in hys-
terically shouting, "Can anyone here give a client a massage right

now?" My hand raised by itself. I was ushered into a walled-off

cubicle and shown where the lotion and towels were. In walked a
rather uptight businessman, and I told him where he could put his
clothes and that he could lie on his stomach and I would be right
back. When I returned, he was face up and asked if he could get sex.
I said I didn't do that, but I was new at the place and I would inquire
whether anyone else there did full service. I went out to the recep-
tionist and she said, "Do you see a sign here that says 'sex for sale'?
And tell the guy he doesn't get his money back either."
Apprehensively I walked back into the cubicle and gave him
the news, and continued, "So since you're here and on the table,
why don't you just relax? I give a great massage, so why not try it?"
He agreed with a sigh. Halfway into the massage, he started letting
go and talking about the stress and upsets in his life. Within mo-
ments, I had become a psychologist with moving hands. Boy, did he
unload a wad of mental and emotional stuff! No wonder he thought
that sex would help him not feel Upon completion, he
his burdens.
looked like a new person. As he came out, he handed me a crumpled

up bill and thanked me for a great session.
Years later a client came to learn Tantra, and after two sessions,
he asked me if I knew of a massage therapist who would include his
genitals in the massage. He said that he had gotten a no from all
those he had phoned. He continued by sharing that his wife was in
a foreign country because of a death in her family and he was feel-
ing quite lonely and needed some TLC.

My first response was, "I'm sure I could find someone." The
next day it dawned on me that I could do it. I felt very compassion-
ate for his predicament, which overrode my slight feeling of ner-
vousness. Three days later, at age thirty-eight, I did my first "sen-

sual massage" for money. He felt very nurtured, and I felt of service.
Later the same year, while visiting Hawaii, I met my first
Osho sannyasin (an Indian term meaning a person committed to

the spiritual path). He handed me a special Tantra edition of the
sannyasin magazine from India. I commented, "Oh, an Indian

master not against sex, how unusual!" The sannyasin taught me an
active dynamic meditation where one does heavy breathing with
undulating movement, then cathartic sounds, then jumping while
chanting "Hoo," next lying still or standing, and lastly celebrating
with dance. After the meditation, I opened my eyes and saw light
specks everywhere. Later, I learned that this is orgone energy, as con-

ceptualized by Wilhelm Reich.
A few years later, in 1977, 1 was reexposed to Osho, a Tantric
master, and began to feel a pull to go and meet him in India. Several
months later, I finished my job teaching hatha yoga at a college and
told them to find another instructor as I was off to India. After three
weeks at the ashram, I asked to become a sannyasin. As I sat in front
of Osho, he suggested that I abandon myself my own energy. I to
closed my eyes and an inner ecstasy began building, my breath

became deep, and loud orgasmic sounds peaked into a climax as I
fell to the ground. He said, "Come back now," and gave me a new
name: "Ma Prem Jwala. Prem means love, and Jzvala means volcanic
fire: Love Fire."
Then he continued, "The ochre color of your dress is the color

of fire. To become a sannyasin is to enter into the flames of love. It is
dangerous, and yet it is incredibly beautiful. Only danger is beauti-
ful because only danger brings you to moments of joy and ecstasy.
Only in danger does your life take on a kind of intensity. Then

everything is intense: joy is intense, sadness is intense. All is fire. If
you can pass through the fire of love, it consumes you — it consumes
all that can be consumed. In the end, only a pure consciousness is
left behind. So let it become your very path!"
Two days later, Osho asked me to teach Tantra yoga groups in
the ashram. I had led four groups in California, so I had a little expe-
rience. But Osho told me to leave my lesson plan or structure and be
more spontaneous. My first group in the ashram was only ten days
later. The participants left their shoes and clothes in lockers before
they entered the group room. We breathed together, sang, danced,
laughed, and cried. Each of us went up in front of the group and

talked about what we liked and didn't like about our naked bodies.
We paired up in dyads and learned how to open and raise our sexual
energy. By the end of the three-day group, most people were spar-
kling. I gave out red hearts at the end of the group and joked about
their "heart-ons." Fifteen years later I ran into one of the women in
the group from Amsterdam and she said, "I have something to show
you." She lifted up her passport bag and there was the red heart I
had given her, stitched onto the front. Tears came to my eyes as we
hugged.
Staying in Osho's ashram in Poona, India, was a unique and
profound experience for me. I fondly recall a time in 1978 when I
lived in a bamboo hut and the sounds of lovemaking filled the

evening air from all directions. My spiritual master would suggest
that if one is totally making love, the whole neighborhood should
hear. Outside of this special setting, I've learned some very trying
lessons. My expressive sounds of love and ecstasy have not always
been welcome. Being asked to leave some places because of my
moans of joy, I've felt very hurt and misjudged that sounds of pas-
sionate celebration have appeared threatening to others. I've had to
deal with lovers pushing pillows over my mouth, neighbors calling

the police, jealous landlords, and upset roommates — all because
of ecstatic sounds! "How dare you express such playful pleas-
ure... exude so much sensuality!" For many in many cultures, ec-
stasy is taboo, puritanical is the path. For such a world, there is much
value to be gained from Tantric teachings.
What do as a Tantrika is to initiate people into the arts of Tantra
1
through workshops, classes, celebrations, ceremonies, and individual

or couple's sessions. As a teacher of ancient sexual secrets, I am a
catalyst to inspire the unaware to go for more aliveness and juici-
ness. By continuing to strive to become a more spiritually and sexu-

ally enlightened woman, I may serve as a role model for others.
When teaching, I often ask people to make a list of their top-ten

tum-ons in life, the things that inspire their total absorption and
juiciness. I then ask them to put this list up on their bathroom mir-
ror for a week, read it every morning and evening, and notice how
much time they spend doing the things they love to do. The amount
of time is amazingly low for most people, so I invite them to start for
one hour a day doing something or a combination of items on the
list way to increase self-love and healing. Many students have
as a
shared that when they started spending more time doing the things
on their list, they felt happier, less needy, and projected less on their
partner to provide so much. When people are turned on, their joy is
infectious. It is as if their cup is filling up more from the inside and
in some cases spilling over. The spilling over becomes a "give love"
rather than a "need love." For others, it begins healing the concept
that it is selfish to put the interests of oneself before the needs of
others. Osho expressed it something like this: To know oneself
requires a certain inquiry that might look selfish from a traditional
point of view.
A slightly different exercise I suggest is to make a list of the top-
ten sexual tum-ons, and to indicate whether they do them and com-
municate these erotic zones and techniques to their partner or lover.
The impact for many is great because often they don't feel they have
the right to ask for what they like sexually. The result of sharing
these likes for several clients has resulted in sexual pleasure and
fulfillment. I remember hearing my spiritual master saying that 90
percent of womankind are angry, nagging, and bitchy because their
deepest orgasmic needs are never met.
Another practice I suggest, especially to those who have a diffi-
cult time making a list of their sexual turn-ons, is to discover their
sexual tum-ons through doing ritualistic self-loving. My teachers

suggested that we do it for an hour without coming. This was how I
really discovered my erotic zones and how I liked them stimulated.

I found my wrists very sensitive, my inner thighs, and the back of
my neck. I learned how to create pathways for the orgasmic energy
to travel throughout my whole body. From then on, especially when
I was in between lovers or traveling, I enjoyed the beauty of self-
pleasuring many parts of my body.

The impact of Tantric teachings on impotent men and
preorgasmic women has been incredible. What I found was that
healing the heart from a painful past relationship, doing certain in-
tense breathing exercises, practicing PC and anal muscle contrac-
tions,! and a little loving encouragement did wonders. One married
client began to get erections again after four or five sessions. By
releasing old sadness and reawakening energy circuitry, many

clients experience confidence and openness returning.
Working with preorgasmic women, I observed we have to go
back and heal, mostly through breathwork, the trauma stored in
the pelvis from early sexual roughness, abuse, or shock. The impact
is dramatic as they reclaim their right to feel pleasure, to open again
to trust, and to experience orgasm.
To share with couples the skills of touching and massage, how
to stimulate the G spot, how to connect energetically when they might
be too Hred for sex, and how to set up a more erotic bedroom are all
parts of my work as a Tantrika.

I feel and see that the breathwork in Tantra opens one up to the
fact that we all have access to our own orgasmic energy. Because
most of us thought our sexual feelings were wrong, we became
^
[Ed.l Commonly referred to as the PC muscle, the pubococcygeus muscle
surrounds the vaginal and anal orifices, contracts involuntarily during or-
gasm, and can be voluntarily exercised to enhance sexual functioning and
pleasure.
—
shallow breathers. By doing this, we unconsciously learned to tone
down or even turn off feeling in the sex center.

Through conscious breathing, clients can greatly increase the
amount of feeling and aliveness they experience. Many can feel their
sexual energy running through all their cells. Experiencing this for
myself and in others has been a revelation, such a joy, a reclaiming
of our more authentic nature.
I teach people not to hold their breath during orgasm, as the

holding cuts off the natural extension of their ecstasy. We breathe all
the way down into the pelvis and expand rather than contract. To
women, I encourage a pelvic-floor push out —as if having a baby
which can prolong the orgasm. Through these teachings, I've learned
to have orgasms and over time have different kinds of orgasms:
energy or breath orgasms, multiple orgasms, and G-spot orgasms
with inner nectar (amrita) flowing abundantly.^ These methods dem-
onstrate the limitations of the belief that a peak orgasm is all there
is. Clients who had almost lost hope often find they can consciously
learn to have an orgasm.
As a Tantrika I often lead ceremonies and rituals. Once at a party
given by artists, I decorated the room, greeted the guests costumed
in full Tantric regalia, and Tai-Chi-danced in shelled-out half water-
melons full of bite-sized fruits. Playfully and sensually, I fed the fruits
into many mouths. Later I face-painted the participants and finally
danced erotically in the main course on elegant platters. I loved rais-
ing people's sexual energy; and though I'd met many men who
wanted to take me home afterward, I chose to go home alone as my
sexual energy had been channeled into the sensual orchestration.
Another high-priestess experience included my skills as an erotic
environmentalist. I spent the afternoon bringing in flowers and
2 [Ed.] Female ejaculation would be the Western sexological term for "flow-
ing amrita."
beautiful bedsheets, arranging the altar, setting up candles, cutting
up fruits, and in the evening guiding a consummation ceremony. A

just-married couple had invited eight close friends to share their
special consummation evening. The ceremony started with an out-
door fire where songs and prayers were shared. Then a temple priest
washed their feet. As they entered the beautified yurt, they were
smudged and undressed. Sensual, easy-access attire awaited their
choosing. We toasted with champagne and fruits, and then the wed-
ding couple went to their rose-petaled bed in the center of the yurt.
I guided the others to focus their love and energy toward the newly-
weds for the next half hour. We chanted and danced free-form around
the couple's bed, then visualized our energies merging with the
couple in the center as they joined in physical and spiritual union. It
was a wondrous, erotic, tribal celebration —a unique and auspicious

wedding consummation.
For individuals and couples, a typical Tantra training session
begins with Tantric philosophy, specifically about the chakras,^ their
location, function, and some ways to purify them. Then I teach a
few breathing practices that can release stress and eventually create
openness. The next session deals with any specific sexual problem
or interests the client might have (e.g., premature ejaculation) and
appropriate exercises are given. Then I introduce the ceremonial el-
ements of how to use fire, earth, air, and water to create a conducive
space for prolonged and sensual lovemaking. Next, there are part-
ner exercises that create specific energy flows between hearts, minds,
or erotic zones. The idea is to open the chakras and sense organs so
that the depth and subtle energies of each person are ignited and a
full exchange of this energy can happen with each other.
^ Owkras, a Sanskrit term, refers to spinning energetic vortexes in

[Ed.]
the human
subtle-energy field. Their functioning is often associated with
physical and emotional health.
Very few of my sessions in Tantra have been overtly sexual. The

fev^ that were, were mostly with virgins after three or four Tantra
sessions (similar to what a sex surrogate might do).
Richard was a twenty-four-year-old American male whom my

boyfriend and I shared a house with one summer on the island of
Ibiza in Spain. One morning, after having a date the night before, he
shared that he didn't know what to do with women. He said, "I'm a
virgin, I don't know how to kiss, pet, or make love. I've never even
seen a nude woman's body. .Will you teach me how to go about all
. .
those things?"
I moment and said, "I suppose so, but let me see if
thought for a
it's OK with my boyfriend." He felt compassionate for our room-
mate and with little thought agreed. Thus, I had my first experience
as an "initiatress" in the full-fledged sense.
In India during intermission at a tabla drum concert, another
young man, an Indian of nineteen, approached me. He came straight

out and asked me to teach him how to make love to a woman. At
that point, he didn't know I was a Tantra teacher. I didn't respond
then, but he came and sat with me during the second half of the
concert. He was forward and persistent, and finally I told him he
could come for a few Tantra sessions and we'd see. He was sincere
and receptive, so on his fourth session, I initiated him with a sexual
rite of passage. The day before I left for the West, he came with a
bouquet of flowers and gratefulness in his eyes and heart. Here I
was, an American, teaching an Indian the art of Tantra yoga, which

had originated in his culture some five thousand years ago. Today
not only is Tantra mostly a lost art in India, but most of the people
are very sexually repressed and ignorant about Tantra.
My clients come from all walks of life. They want to integrate

their sexual energy and become better lovers. They want to feel more
pleasure and more aliveness. An Australian businessman whose wife
had lost interest in sex wanted to know any techniques that might
A black yoga instructor wanted to know how to

revive her interest.
run that yogic energy with his lover. A New Zealand woman who
had been shunned in her upper-class surroundings for her erotic
energy wanted to open consciously to that energy and receive heal-

ing around it. A divorced landscaper with three children wanted to
have more relationship and sex skills new part-
before looking for a
ner. A man whose lover had left him for a more artistic man wanted
to release the grief and sadness in his heart. A thirty-seven-year-old

foxy woman who had had a traumatic first sexual experience at age
eighteen wanted to open her pelvis and become orgasmic. She had
faked all but two or three orgasms in the past twenty years.
Working with people all over the world, I've gained much
experience and compassion for the human predicament and the
human capacity to experience happiness. To others I want to hold
out the possibility of self-healing, for I myself come from a dys-
functional family of alcoholic parents, wherein my own needs were
seldom, if ever, met. Learning that I had a right to ask for what I
wanted and needed sexually was a challenge.
I'm very thankful that my work contributes to the quality of

my and other people's lives. The grace and openness I've gained
from working intimately with people enrich me. I can be at ease
with them whether they're crying, experiencing revelations, raging
at their parents, being in bliss, or having an orgasm. I've gained
a lot from helping people breathe through to their own sexuality
and juiciness.
For the opportunity to teach in other cultures and the adven-

tures I've had, I'm grateful. For having freedom in my working
schedule and the chance to choose my own hours, I'm thankful. With
these blessings have come many lessons. I've had to learn a lot about
trust and flexibility as there were hardly ever guarantees about fees
or number of students. I've learned how to make boundaries, espe-
cially when clients wanted to get overtly sexual during or after a
96 * Women of the Light
session when I wasn't interested or available. I've learned about the

necessity for creating a safer space for this work. I've learned how I
need to purify once a year from my clients' energies by fasting
and being at the sea and with nature.
For me, being a Tantrika has been the path offire.

Shell Freye
The Group-Sex
Hostess
Introduction to
Shell Freye
"Love to love ya, baby, love to love ya, baby, love to love ya,
baby, love to love ya, baby..." It was the American sex mantra, re-
corded on a popular disco album repeated for hours in the back-

ground while I gave massages at Shell & Barry's group-sex parties.
In the waterbed within inches of my portable massage table
were usually one or two nude couples playing, enjoying anything

from fondling to having full blow-out orgasms with bombs burst-
ing in air. Juicy vaginas and throbbing penises were abundant next
door in the "group room." This was where one person might be
sucking on the toes of a person, who might be giving head to an-
other person, who might be sucking the breasts of another person,

who might be balling somebody else's brains out, and on and on.
No one ever asked me for a sexual massage all the sex one could —
ever want was plentifully available.
99
—
This was a private home where three nights a week Shell be-
came a high priestess greeting couples at the entrance to her temple.

Worshippers were gathering to celebrate the union of heaven and
earth; to commune physically, emotionally, spiritually; to share food,
dance, hot-water bathing, and consensual sex.
Actually very few participants in a swingers' party, the usual
term for such a male-female couples' event, would ever think of the
parties as spiritual ceremonies. Most swingers appear nonreligious.
How could a couple be in an open-sex lifestyle and think of them-
selves as spiritual when for centuries priests and preachers, claim-
ing to be God's personal emissaries, have raised their Bibles high
into the air and screamed to the top of their lungs that sex is inher-
ently sinful, that sex shall be for procreation only, that adulterers
and those who partake in the pleasures of the flesh shall bum in hell!
There was no exit, no alternative to the scarlet letter, the adul-
terous A imprinted deeply in the collective mind-set —until the pill.
Overnight, women's options to choose their own sexual destiny were

greatly expanded, if not always in individual practice, at least in the
collective consciousness. For many women and men, this was the
beginning of a sensual /sexual revolution.
Shell's parties were a significant part of that revolution in the
San Francisco Bay Area in the '70s. At the time, little was written
about the sex-positive nature of some Goddess cultures and the trans-
formative role of the temple priestess /sacred prostitute. Looking
back now through the eyes of the recent Goddess literature, I think
of Shell's group-sex parties as temple ceremonies celebrating one of
the high holy mysteries: sexual energy. For some of us who attended,
we began to realize that there was more than just a whole lot of
shakin' going on at those parties. We explored, we learned, and we

grew.
Shell, the soul of the parties, grew profoundly. Deeply immersed
eating, sleeping, working, living — in her temple where wave after
The Group-Sex Hostess • J 01
wave after wave of orgasmic moans, arousing pheromones, and

visions of rapture permeated every pore, she was able to step,
sometimes stumble, sometimes soar, outside both the mainstream
culture and the swinger subculture to discover the mystical ener-
getic dance where sexual passion —transformed— is a catalyst to our
spiritual Self.
Osho, a Tantric sage from India, once said, "Sex —never repress
it! Never be against it. Rather, go deep into it with great clarity, with
great love. Go like an explorer.... Sex is just the beginning, not the
end. But if you miss the beginning, you will miss the end also."
Through twenty years of sex-party hostessing. Shell has explored

sex deeply. Sex was the beginning for her. Now she is fully grounded
in her sexuality, physically resembling some of the Paleolithic statu-
ettes of the Goddess. Now she is a teacher with a mystic's vision of
sexual energy. And what she discovered at the center of her sexual-
ity and her dance of energy —what has always been there, at the
beginning and the end — is her heart. This is where she teaches from,
where she hostesses from, where she dances from. Her heart is what
makes her sex sacred.
The Group-Sex Hostess
by
Shell Freye
with Carol Heller
It was a humid Brooklyn summer day in 1965 and I was twenty-

one. My husband Barry and I were lying in bed looking at postage
stamp-sized photographs of couples in a little swingers' magazine
called Continental Spectator. With the windows open, a floor fan blow-
ing hot air across my thighs, looking at the tiny photographs, I real-
ized I was getting aroused, but I didn't understand why.
103
J 04 • Women of the Light
We had been married for approximately six months, and my

husband asked me, "How would you like to meet some of these
couples?" Being very naive, I said OK, on one hand knowing the
purpose of meeting would be to "swap" partners and have sex, on
the other hand not really believing that we would actually do it. We
answered some ads and placed a very simple one of our own to
which several people responded.

Having had no prior experience with "swapping" as wasit
called then, I remember creating an elaborate fantasy about what

this first meeting would be like; there would be soft music in the
background, a stranger would sweep me off my feet, and take me

into his curtained boudoir, just like in the movies. In reality, when
our first encounter happened, not only was there nothing sensual
about it, it wasn't even exciting. It was cold, unromantic, and
boring. Intrigued by my fantasy of what might occur, I decided to
keep pursuing swinging.
Our first encounters at some of the other couples' homes were
such a letdown that I couldn't participate. After an hour or so of
socializing, I would make up some excuse about being tired or not
feeling well so that we could leave gracefully. This led Barry and me
to the decision to have people come to our apartment so I would
feel more comfortable own atmosphere.
in our
When we first started entertaining, we decided to invent

verbal code words so I could let Barry know if I was interested in
engaging in sex with the couple. He was to ask, "Did you feed
the cats?" If I wasn't interested I was supposed to say, "No, I
didn't." If I was interested, I would answer, "Yes, I did," at which

time Barry would make a suggestion that we get more comfort-
able and I would turn down the lights and put on some music.
At our first tryout of the code words, I was flustered and I an-
swered, "Maybe, I'm not sure." He looked at me as if I was crazy
and said, "Let's go to the kitchen and check the cat's bowl." We
The Group-Sex Hostess • 105
used the code successfully after a while, and I started to feel a

little more adventurous.
Eventually we branched out to events and private parties that
were held in penthouses, apartments, the spa in a hotel basement,
and large homes outside of New York City. We discovered there were
clubs where we could meet with other couples for future "dates."
One of the first private parties we were invited to was held in
the basement spa of a well-known hotel in Manhattan. I remember
entering the lobby with my husband and several couples, wonder-
ing if any of the people in the lobby knew where we were going and
what we would be doing. The swinging scene was still new to me,
and I had been fantasizing about this event for days. We all crowded
together in the elevator and descended in silence. When the doors
opened, and we stepped out, the first thing I remember seeing was
the steam rising off the heated pool. The effect of the lights reflect-
ing off the low ceiling made it seem as if the subdued sounds of
women and men making love were coming from the reflection. As
my eyes grew accustomed to the dim lighting, I could see bodies
and shadows moving in the water. It was all very exciting, and for a
moment the possibility existed that the evening might turn out like
my fantasy.
The elevator doors closed, and the host approached us, intro-
duced himself, and began showing us the facilities. He led us down

a long dark hallway to the steam room, where he suddenly flung
open the door and the steam poured out, hitting my body like a
wave. Gradually, as the vapors cleared, I could see different levels

in the room with bodies on all of them, moving and melting in the
steam. However, as the steam settled I noticed that, unlike my fan-

tasy, there were mostly men in the room with only a few women.
As our guided we walked around the pool past
tour continued
a man who was lying on a bench while a woman performed oral sex
on him as she was being entered from behind by another man. It

appeared so harsh and mechanical that I couldn't tell if any of them

were enjoying themselves. It turned me off, and I wanted to get out
of there. However, still hoping for that quality of connection and
"magic" that so far was missing, we stayed a little longer.
Somewhere in the back of my mind I had created a detailed
image of what group sex would look like. I know now that it was
strongly influenced by the art of the masters that I had been ex-
posed to as a child growing up in the San Francisco Bay Area. My
parents, who were theater people, had always been very loving and
supportive; and being an only child, I was immersed in their Bohe-
rruan lifestyle. Poetry readings, art shows, gallery openings, jazz,
and dance performances were commonplace events that shaped my
perception of life my appreciation for colors, shapes, and
as well as
textures. If I had seen women and men touching sensuously in my
early swinging experiences, it would have been what I expected.

However, the reality was, "Slam, bam, thank you, ma'am," with
mostly no "thank you"!
One particular environment that really excited me was the night-
club, where you could either meet at the tables or on the dance floor.
At one nightclub all the tables were equipped with telephones that
had large numbers attached to the back of the phone. You could call
other couples at their tables and arrange to meet them by inviting
them to your table for a drink. We would talk for a while, and then
I'd usually ask the man to dance with me. The music, low, sensual
lighting, and dancing equated to foreplay for me. Since I had been a
student of modem dance from the age of fifteen, dancing and mov-
ingmy body allowed me to express myself. Dancing seemed to be a
way that I could feel my own sexual energy. found it easier to con- I
nect with a dancing partner because when we are dancing, we can

feel each other's rhythm. This, I quickly realized, was what had been
missing in all the other environments. I began to call it "connecting"
with the other person.
Like most young people in their twenties, I was willing to be

adventurous when it came to exploring my sexuality. However, many
of the swingers in those early days in New York would leer at me or
try to interact and initiate sex with little or no foreplay. My recollec-
tion is that the swinging scene was fast, similar to the pace of the
city, and many times insensitive to the need that many women and
men had for tenderness. If I was to continue in the swinging scene,
I was determined that in my environment this would not be true.
After three years of experimenting with sex on the East Coast,
particularly New York City, we moved to Oakland, California, my
hometown. This was 1968, and we joined the Sexual Freedom
League. In California everything was freer and more open than it
was in New York, but even here I had a reputation for being very
particular. Most of the time I did not participate because I was not
comfortable. Similar to the way it often felt in New York—cold, hard,
and fast —the level of intimacy didn't seem to matter to most of the
men. While many women did join in, it seemed to be mainly the
men who participated most often. I still had a difficult time feeling
sensual or relaxed enough to take off my clothes and jump in. Little
did Iknow that I would make up for lost time later.
One of the first parties we attended in California made me
realize that I could set up a party environment and do it better. I
knew I was a terrific hostess, and my penchant for paying attention

to details such as music, soft lighting, soft colors, and sensuous food
would create an intimate atmosphere that could arouse me so
that I would feel secure enough to want to join in the fun. In my
own environment I could create a place where sensuality and pro-

miscuity could flourish. We discussed it and quickly saw we needed
to move to a bigger place that could be set up specifically for large
parties.
We found a house to rent in Berkeley and put an advertisement

in the Berkeley Barb for "Swingers Friday Night Socials." When
couples called in response to the ad, we would interview them over

the phone and then invite them to the Friday evenings. If we liked
them, we would personally hand them invitations to come back on
Saturday nights for our "swinging parties." This was our way of
screening a number of couples at one time. It also allowed the other
couples to meet. What we were looking for were couples with a good
relationship who took good care of themselves physically and who
were, hopefully, compatible with the others.
There was a very large response to the ad, and our parties grew
from five couples to around twenty-five to forty couples within one
year. The living room was for getting acquainted with other couples,
listening to music, having a drink, or getting something to eat. Be-
cause of my past experiences of walking into a room where several

people were "getting it on" in one corner, while several others
sat in another comer looking very uncomfortable, I wanted the liv-
ing room to be neutral, so I decided that no sex would be allowed

there. In the past I had felt pressure to join in and later regretted
doing so; therefore, I wanted people to have the option of choosing
to participate or not.
After two years at the house, in my continuing personal search

to enhance my sexuality, I decided to incorporate an experience that
I had had workshop on sensory awareness. I felt that this
in a
encounter would enhance the parties, so I used what I had learned

and tailored it to a sexual setting. Adding a personal touch of my
own, I included nudity. I wanted the swingers to be able to be sexual
in an easier, more natural way. By prearranged agreement, the
evening would unfold with couples being blindfolded as soon as

they entered the foyer In silence they were led to the living room
where they sat in a drcle with the other couples until everyone had
arrived.
My first step would be to put on some special, relaxing music.

The next step would be to teach them how to do certain breathing
techniques. From there they began touching their own faces, which
led to touching their partners' faces, becoming aware of the warmth,
the texture of the skin, the way the hair feh, and how unique the
sense of touch became without the sense of sight. They would then
stand up and come closer together as a group to begin exploring
someone else's face, which led to touching their shoulders and arms.
Next I would guide them through a way of showing the other per-
son how they wanted to be touched. Sometimes it was two women

or two men touching each other's arms. Some felt comfortable and
some did not. The idea was to become aware of different sensations
while touching, sometimes applying pressure, sometimes using a
lighter touch. Eventually the entire group began to undress one an-
other. Once they were undressed they sat down, and I would bring
in platters of fresh fruit for them to identify by smell and taste. Then
slowly they would start to feed each other. After a few minutes of
this, I would ask them to remove their blindfolds so they could see
whom they had been feeding. Usually everyone would end up laugh-
ing and hugging, and the party would be on its way.
Because of the size of this first house, I wasn't able to achieve
the nightclub atmosphere that I wanted. The decor we had chosen
was sensual and intimate, but I could see in my mind's eye what I
wanted to create, and this house had limitations. About this time
fate stepped in. The landlord sent us a letter that our house was
being put on the market for sale, and we were offered first option to
buy. Knowing it was too small for our growing business, we de-
clined and had ten days to vacate and find another house.
Within one day we found the house that would become the set-
ting for parties for the next twenty-plus years. My father came with
me to see the house. had explained to him that our business was a
I
social club, a place where like-minded couples came to meet, dance,
and get to know each other in the setting of a private home rather
than a bar. The subject of sex was never mentioned to him and he
chose not to ask any questions even though I had lots of mattresses
and very little furniture to speak of. Because of his experience with
running and owning a nightclub, he was excited to help his daugh-
ter, who was seemingly following in his footsteps. Dad convinced
me the house had a good flow to it. And I felt enough support from
him that I asked him for a loan for the down payment.
My mother, also, was very accepting of the social club format
we had explained to her. She never directly asked what my specific

involvement would be, choosing instead to believe that Barry and I
were just the host and hostess. If she had asked, I felt close enough
to her and my father that I would have told them we were swingers,
but it never came up. What she did say was: "You're serving food.
Are you going to charge anything? Can I help you with the decorat-
ing?" She and my father and several friends helped us move in and
decorate, so that within ten days we had our grand opening.
There were two ways someone could come to the party. One
was by answering our ad. The other was by personal recommenda-
tion from friends who had been to the party. After we briefly inter-
viewed the couple on the phone, they could make a reservation for
one of the upcoming evenings. They would arrive in our typically

quiet neighborhood, park their car, and walk down the path to our
door.
This was reportedly the most difficult part for some new
swingers: the walk from the car to the house. Over the years many
reported the anxiety they experienced sitting in the parked car,
unable to open the car door. I wasn't able to alleviate these feelings
unhl they stepped through my front door.

I personally greeted them at the front door Once the door closed
behind them, their reality shifted to mine. The sweet fragrance of
incense filled the air. As their eyes adjusted to the soft lighting, I
explained the layout of the house to them.

It was 1972, and I wanted the decor to be different from that of
a home setting. I chose low, comfortable seating with lots of pillows

in the living room, instead of couches or chairs. This was on the
main floor, to the left of the entryway after coming in the front door.
The room was lit by the glow from the fireplace, and indirect, pink
lighting bounced off the curve of the ceiling. This room was for
socializing orUy, as it had been in our previous house.
At the far end of the room a curved archway framed the dining
room, where the hardwood floor made a perfect dance floor. Re-
placing the regular bulbs in the crystal chandelier with blue bulbs
gave a remarkable reflective quality to people's skin as they danced.
A large glass window separated the dance floor from the buffet area.
This added to the effect of being "on display" as you danced. You
were able to see your reflection as you moved to the rhythm of the
music, and you were seen by others.

From the side of the dance floor, you entered the kitchen. Off
the kitchen a doorway led to the sun porch, which we had deco-
rated with an African motif. This was where a sumptuous buffet
was served. Downstairs in the finished basement, black lights ac-
cented the decor. There was a group area in one room, and in
another room we draped gauze curtains around several single beds,
giving the illusion of privacy for those who had voyeur and ex-
hibition fantasies.
One of the favorite places in the house was the circular stair-
case that led to the top floor. Standing at the bottom of the stairs,
you were able to enjoy the parade of bodies moving up and down
the steps.
On the top floor, we had created a haremlike atmosphere in the
upstairs group room. The walls were covered with fabric that was
accented with peacock feathers. Mounds of pillows covered the beds.
Containers of massage lotion, boxes of tissues, and vibrators, for
those who wished to indulge, were placed strategically around the
room.
—
The master bedroom, as in our previous house, was reserved

for special private encounters for Barry or myself. A third bedroom
on the same floor was designed as a more private area, and the beds
were separated by ceiling-to-floor curtains draped around them.
My concern was always for women to be comfortable so that
they could explore their sexual possibilities. I had too many memo-
ries of my earlier swinging encounters, and I prom-
being uneasy in
ised myself that I would not allow that to happen to anyone in my
house. Past experiences also told me that if a woman felt at ease, her
partner would too. I wanted this place to be an arena where all could
be relaxed the minute they walked through the door. The soft lights,
the colors of the fabrics, as well as the paint on the walls were all
purposely chosen for a specific ambiance to create different moods

that allowed people to relax and explore.
Always searching for new ways to cultivate my personal growth,
I became a certified masseuse. This led me to explore a new career
as a sex surrogate. Because of my years of experience with swinging

and the variety of sexual partners, I was a natural as a surrogate. I
soon discovered I needed to have formal training in order to facili-
tate the client's process.
The Institute for Advanced Study of Human Sexuality, in San

Francisco, provided the clinical training that was missing. Entering
a three-year program that gave me a very well-rounded educahon,
I became the first certified sexologist in the state of California.
I learned that I had the potential to give more than just sex
there was also energy. Energy is my word for the translucent, multi-
colored web that connects us all, that holds and embraces us through-
out all our actions in life, regardless of any belief systems we might
have. In my search for knowledge I was fortunate to discover a
teacher who helped me experience the sacred nature of energy.
Every time I learned from him something new about moving
energy within my body, would I practice it at the weekend parties.
What he taught me was how to consciously open my heart and my

pelvis by doing breathing and visualization practices. After most
of the people arrived and started to socialize, I would begin danc-
ing with a partner or with the others dancing around me. Beginning
with an inhalation, I would visualize a band of energy or light spi-
raling up my body from the base of my spine. I would feel the mo-
tion moving around me and then inside of me, continuing to move
up and around my heart. It then circulated down, in and around my
pelvis. Actually seeing the band of light moving outward from my
body, I visualized it surrounding those I was dancing with, encas-
ing them in a spiral of light. I could see it moving into their hearts,
circulating down through their bodies into the pelvis and returning
to me. Keeping them in the spiral I would then envelop another and
another, until the whole room felt like their bodies were connected
to mine, moving with the same rhythmical motions.
People would dance for a while and slowly begin to away drift
to other parts of the house, in couples or groups of three or more. As
others took their places on the dance floor, I would begin to weave
them into the energy as well. At first I wasn't too sure of what, if
anything, was happening. As a test to see if what I did really had

occurred, I would do the breathing and visualization practices in
reverse, pulling my energy inward and seeing myself sealed off from
the others. The party would become flat.
One evening while I was practicing, a masseur named Ray

Stubbs came to the party, having been invited to give three hours of
ten-minute massages for those lucky enough to get on his list for the
evening. We had met at a lecture on sensual touch several months

before, and I recall experiencing a special quality of balance within
him. Afterward I had a private session with him, which led me to
ask if he would be interested in teaching some classes at the parties.

This was to be the beginning of a new adventure for both of us, and
especially for the swingers. It opened them up to an invisible
}]4 • Women of the Light
energy they were feeling but knew very little about.

My desire was to share some of this knowledge with the swing-
ers. With me as his partner, special evenings were offered with Ray
leading a group of couples through erotic massage techniques. With
twenty couples packed in the room, we would work together, intro-
ducing feathers, fur gloves, lotions, scented oils, and strawberries.

We introduced different ways of kissing, stroking, exploring, touch-
ing. On those evenings the mirrors on the ceiling in the group room
were misty with steam. I could feel the anticipation of each person
in the room growing with every caress. These evenings would bring
a special magic to the entire house, even to those who did not par-
ticipate. Calling it "holding the field," I included everyone in the
house by energetically weaving them into my field and one another's,
never forgetting the people downstairs while these instructional
evenings were going on.
On occasion a new couple would arrive and the woman, some-
times the man, would be experiencing anxiety similar to mine when
I was first starting out. Noticing their discomfort, I would encour-
age them to sign up for a massage. Including them in way would
this
allow them to feel as if they were participating, and many times

being touched would help them to relax enough to join in.
Over the years we introduced other aspects of sexuality to the

swingers. There were women-only evenings set aside for women
who wanted to explore their sexuality with another woman, some-
times for the first time. These evenings differed from the regular
parties because no men were present. Feeling a common bond, we
all danced together; it was softer, more sensual, and very relaxed.
At these parties women seemed to dress in fabrics that were more

flowing, revealing, and erotic. On these nights, as I practiced
weaving the energies, it gave me the feeling of being at a temple
performing a sacred ritual. Sometimes erotic massage techniques
were taught, but mostly we would have great conversations on very
intimate issues that related to our swinging experiences. Even those

who had never been with a woman before reported feeling very at
ease and natural. I can still recall sitting in the living room listening
to the hum of the vibrators and the sweet sound of orgasm echoing
down the staircase from the group room above.
Saturday night erotic entertainment could be anything from
belly dancing to stripping contests to lingerie parties to wearing
exotic costumes to a lecture and demonstration on sadomasochism.

Both men and women participated in all of these events.
As I continued to explore and expand my sexual fantasies, I
would incorporate what I learned into the parties. The films I saw,
the erotic literature I read, the workshops I attended, the times I
went to the bisexual evenings at the Sutro Baths, all of these would
stimulate my eroticism and I would in turn improve the environ-
ment of the party house. My fantasy life was rich and fulfilling, which
in turn influenced my life. Knowing that everyone had fantasies and
probably nowhere to act on them, I provided a place that gave per-
mission and encouraged exploration.
The joy I received from providing a beautiful and sensuous place
for people to expand their tactile, visual, and sensual awareness was,
and continues to be, very rewarding for me. When I stand at the
doorway of the group rooms watching bodies intertwining, I become
immersed in the pure pleasure of the moment — it is an ecstatic he
here now. As we accumulate experiences, whether as a partici-

pant or an observer, these moments become embedded in our
memory. Keeping this in mind, I have tried to set the stage and
provide an environment where positive sexual fantasies are not only
encouraged but happen many times. I am not advising anyone to
go to a swingers' party, but I am encouraging continuous com-
munication, explorahon, and tenderness. When a couple shares such
intimate experiences, it brings them closer and can help build a
deeper relationship.
In my twenty-plus years of involvement with swinging, the fact

that all these people continue coming to the parties fascinates me.
Swingers are ordinary people from every walk of life. They are bank-
ers, executives, store clerks, cab drivers, teachers, to name a few.
They all have one thing in common: they are open about sex. It
doesn't mean that outside of the swinging environment they're pro-

n\iscuous, because most of them are not. As a rule you won't find
them in bars trying to pick people up, won't find them hustling,
won't find them seeking affairs. Many of the couples I know have
solid, long-term marriages, children, even grandchildren.
Many couples who attend the parties now choose to engage in
sex only with their partners. They can be in any of the different pri-
vate areas or the group rooms, but they stay together and allow the
sexual energy and visual delights to stimulate them. This is their
way of practicing safe sex in this era of AIDS. Other couples still
have multiple partners, but latex gloves, dental dams, and especially
condoms are used regularly.
After so many years of being open and available, several years

ago I felt I needed to take a break from the swinging scene. I have
continued working in the field of sexuality as a lecturer and as a
counselor for couples and individuals. The energy work I learned

has become invaluable and I incorporate it into my counseling
sessions.
While I was taking my break, Barry continued to run the par-

ties and just this year I We still remain close
have returned to them.
friends although we divorced several years ago. At this point in my

life, my role at the parties has changed. have returned as a hostess
I
and have discovered that I don't have to physically have sex with
anyone, and the energy still prevails. I still enjoy being around
sexually open-minded people. The group always changes, but many
of the couples that were there years ago still participate, having
remained close friends with one another.
Looking back at the changes that have taken place, not only in
my life but also in the lives of the people I have connected with,
what has remained constant is the energy. Not only do I continue to
learn about myself as I teach, but my abilities to direct and "play"

with energies are stronger now than when I first learned to open up
my heart to connect with others.
Over the years, I have touched and been touched in many ways
by many people. Each one has helped me be who I am today. For
this, I am deeply grateful. My hope is that I have touched them as

deeply as they have touched me.
Betty Dodson
The Artist
Introduction to
Betty Dodson
Betty Dodson is a wild woman. While described in the Intro-
duction as charging the barricades with a vibrator in one hand and

her Liberating Masturbation book in the other hand, Betty is neither
out of control nor deranged nor savage. She is wild in the sense of
undomesticated; she lives outside many of society's normative
restrictions.
In Women Who Run With the Wolves, Clarissa Pinkola Estes, Ph.D.,
describes the Wild Woman archetype. Comparing the wildness of
wolves and women, Estes writes: "both have been hounded, ha-
rassed, and falsely imputed to be devouring and devious, overly
aggressive. . . .They have been the targets of those who would clean
up the wilds as well as the wildish environs of the psyche, extincting
the instinctual, and leaving no trace of it behind" (p. 4).
Betty Dodson is a wolf in the wilderness, howling at the moon.
121
reminding us of our primal sexual nature. Her drawings and

paintings depict women and men naked and sexual and inherently
beautiful, making love with themselves and others. Her books, vid-
eos, lectures, and workshops extol us to reclaim our birthright as
vibrant orgasmic beings, a birthright stolen and hidden from us by

religious and political fanaticism.
An artist seeing the natural, unmuzzled, ungirdled, unreigned

sexual beings that we all are, Betty has been in the vanguard of sexual
liberation in the second half of the twentieth century. For this, she,
as she describes in her chapter, has been labeled pomographer and

whore. Rather than retreating in defeat, she reclaimed her personal
power by embracing the terms, reframing the negative epithet into
a positive call to arms: "When the ultimate degradation, 'Whore!'
was hurled at me, I welcomed that label too. 'Yes, I'm a whore, a
sacred prostitute, an ancient temple priestess who serves the god-

dess of love.'"
By reclaiming her own power and teaching others what she has
learned, she empowers others. Betty, who recently received her Ph.D.
in human sexuality, puts her ass on the line; and though at times a
weary, embattled general, she holds true to her inner truths. Her
vision, simply, is freedom for herself and for others: "freedom to
think, freedom to fantasize, freedom to imagine the unimaginable

in short, the freedom to be creative."
—
The Artist
by
Betty Dodson
When I first began thinking about teaching sex to women, I knew

it had to be experiential. As an art student, I had learned by doing.
In fact, every time I learned something new that involved my body
a sport or the latest dance steps — I didn't just sit in a classroom
thinking and talking about how tomake the moves. Actually, sex,
sports, and dance had a lot in common: rhythm, movement, form,
content, and aesthetics. But how on earth could I teach sex by doing
sex, short of staging sex parties? That would restrict the number of
123
interested women, and I was ainung for every fenunist in America.

That was my dilemma in the early seventies when I was
bicoastal and the women's movement was no longer on the launch-
ing pad waiting for liftoff. In New York City and San Francisco
thousands of us were orbiting the planet with ideas about how
to achieve more equality between women and men. This energy
was contagious because everything seemed possible. And each
woman's history became her agenda for change once we learned
that the personal is political.
After thoughtful analysis of my own sex history and subsequent

sex experiences in the late '60s, I came to the conclusion that sexual-
ity was as critical as economics in women's quest for equality. All of
my cherished romantic illusions had either mystified my lack of
orgasm or aggrandized my dependent orgasms as searched for I
financial security through love and marriage. As long as women

remained blinded by love and bound by an invisible sexual and
financial double standard, feminism would never pose any real
threat to our present authoritarian system.
Once committed to the women's movement, it didn't take me

long to discover that my idea of liberating masturbation was too
shocking for most feminists. Few were interested in becoming
responsible for creating their own orgasms, alone or with a partner.
Most women wanted just a little bit of freedom: equal pay, child
care, access to the political process. But when it came to sex, they
still wanted to find Mr. or Ms. Right who'd provide them with love,
orgasms, and security /orewr.
At first I was devastated and hurt, and then I became furious.
Turning my anger into energy, I resolved to go it alone —the artist's
fierce stance of individualism. The conservative, mainstream femi-

nists could fight the good fight for the Equal Rights Amendment
while I would storm the barricades waving my banner for the Equal
Orgasm Amendment.
The Artist • 125
In 1973 I began running Physical and Sexual Consciousness

Raising Groups, which turned into the Sexuality Seminars that I still
run to this day. Since I was an artist, not a therapist, I felt free to
break all the rules, especially to avoid the role of being an "expert"
who knows all the answers. First-person sharing of our sexual
experiences seemed the best way to learn about sex. I shared what
I'd learned about sex from several sources: my own sex history, read-
ing extensively about sex, drawing sex, having three one-woman
exhibitions of erotic art where I talked to hundreds of people about
their sex lives, and gathering a wealth of firsthand sexual experi-
ence by participating in group-sex parties.

My first approach to teaching was demonstrating manual sex,
showing the use of electric massagers and dildos, and encouraging
everyone to develop a repertoire of sexual fantasies as a way to
focus their minds on sex instead of drifting into running a grocery

list. I also acted out a range of orgasms from mild to intense, giving
women in the groups a visual image that was worth a thousand
words. Later they practiced masturbating at home with follow-up
discussions in the next group session.
Within several years, the workshops developed a basic pattern.
The two main subjects were healing our body and genital imagery,
and learning the basis of orgasmic release through masturbation.
The only requirement for attending a group was agreeing to nudity.
We all benefited from seeing natural bodies instead of constantly

comparing ourselves to fashion models and centerfold nudes. There
was no doubt in my mind that selflove^ started with loving our
physical selves.
Originating with my own self-therapy, I'd already developed a
method for confronting women's negative genital imagery. In 1965,
^ [Ed-l Betty uses selflove and selfsexuality rather than the standard hyphen-
ated versions of the words through all of her writings.
shortly after my divorce, a lover had shown me magazine photos of

women exposing their genitals because I'd confessed mine were
deformed. Until that moment, I'd thought my inner lips had been
stretched from childhood masturbation! To share this healing expe-
rience with other women, I created a slide show of one hundred
beautiful color photographs of friends' genitals that premiered at
the historic 1973 Women's Sexuality Conference sponsored by the

National Organization for Women (NOW). The presentation was
titled "Creating an Aesthetic for the Female Genitals." Afterward, I
was given a standing ovation that sent shock waves of compassion

and excitement through me.
Providing positive genital imagery became an essential ingre-
dient of the workshops. At first, showing the slides to each group
was sufficient until I realized that looking at ourselves directly would
have an even more profound impact. One by one, starting with me,
we took turns under a spotlight in front of a freestanding mirror,
displaying the exquisite shapes and colors of our vulvas. My fine
art background was perfect for showing each woman how "to see"
her unique beauty, shape, and form. We were also getting an impor-
tant lesson in comparative anatomy by viewing a range of genital
appearances. This single process transformed a multitude of

women's sex lives by dispelling myths and filling in information
about our clitorises, vaginal lips, strange little bumps and tags at
the vaginal opening, secretions, the urethra, the PC muscle, differ-
ent colorations, scars from episiotomies, and the interesting range

of pubic hair.
The "Genital Show and Tell" breakthrough gave me the cour-
age to propose to one group that we actually share orgasms in the
workshop. To my amazement, they all said yes! In those early days,

the group masturbation was informal, with everyone lying down,
using their electric massagers, doing their own thing. Most of the
women kept their eyes closed, but they could hear the sounds of
The Artist • 127
breathing with a few audible orgasms, and they could sense the
energy in the room.
Eventually, I got the inspiration to lead the group in a guided
masturbation celebration. Sounding like an enthusiastic gy^m teacher,
I started with the group standing in the circle with our massagers
on and our eyes wide open. Sometimes I was a rock star playing my
massager like a bass guitar; other times I was a top sergeant barking
out a cadence. There was always great humor and bawdy comments
with lots of healing laughter. We were more outrageous than I ever
expected! For the first thirty minutes, I led the group through differ-
ent sexual positions: standing, kneeling, doggie style, and lying down
with different leg positions. We varied our pelvic thrusting while
breathing out loud to increase sexual pleasure. I showed them how
to do slow pelvic rocking with a fast massager, or the reverse, fast
pelvic movements with a stationary' massager. We practiced slow,

sensual penetration with cucumbers or zucchinis and coordinated
our breathing with tightening the PC muscle while rocking our hips
forward and back. What I said, I did, modeling each concept with a
live, visual image.
Our masturbation celebration ended with an erotic recess.
Everyone was shown how to keep going after her first orgasm
by putting her hand over her clitoris to soften the vibrations un-
til the hypersensitivity passes. In moments she could continue
into another sexual buildup. Having many orgasms was easier

and more natural than most expected, and pushing at our sexual
boundaries was exhilarating with group support. Most women
were only spending ten to twenty minutes on selfloving, and here
we were, masturbating together for nearly two hours and hav-
ing a great time.
Teaching sex by doing sex was the most logical thing in the
world. Everyone got to see a range of sexual arousal and orgasmic
responses. Right before our eyes we witnessed the huge variation in
women's sexual patterns. Sonne women had many little orgasms with
quick buildups in between. Others took thirty minutes to an hour to
have one big orgasm, and there were a few who could have several
fairly big orgasms, each with a visible buildup. There were also those
women who were having little spasms that they did not label "or-
gasm" because of their expectations. Unable to identify the be-
ginning of their orgasmic response cycle, they couldn't create more

sexual pleasure.
Clearly, masturbation was the key for sexual growth. It gave
each woman a chance to focus totally on herself instead of being
concerned about pleasing a partner. She could take as long as she

wished, try all sorts of different things, and experiment with creating
new fantasies. From selflove and sexual self-knowledge, I reasoned,
healthier and happier relationships would naturally follow. And for
women who wanted to be on their own for a while, they could be

their own lovers.
It took several years, but after I got over my concerns and fears
of teaching sex with this logical but unheard-of method, I began
having some of my best orgasms in the workshops. The combination
of playing teacher, being a voyeur of the erotic sights, exhibiting my
sexuality in a group, and getting paid to masturbate to orgasm was

hedonistic heaven.
The concept of teaching sex by doing sex will be perceived by
many as a kind of prostitution. The minute a woman accepts money
or favors for sex, she is flirting with the world's oldest profession.
Women (and men) who have sex with clients under the supervision
of a therapist are called sex surrogates, practitioners of the most
effective way to help clients learn about sex. Again, many people
will consider this to be another form of prostitution, even though
the surrogate has received training and must submit reports to the
therapist. On the other hand, if a wife receives money or a new fur
coat for sexual favors from her husband, it's viewed as normal. A
The Artist • 129
sexworker^ friend liked to point out that marriage was legalized

prostitution with one difference: a wife sold her body permanently,
while a sexworker only rented hers. Most women will smile know-
ingly at this kind of remark because we sense the primal connection
between sex and money, though it's seldom discussed.
If I'm getting paid to have orgasms with women who are also
having orgasms, does that make me a sexworker? Is masturbating
with my students considered "having sex" with them? Does watching

another person masturbate count as "having sex"? What about
viewing sex for research purposes as Masters and Johnson did? How
does anyone do legitimate sex research if she "follows all the rules"?
Denying educators and researchers the right to participate in a range
of sexual activities results in a lack of valid and complete informa-
tion for textbooks. Those researchers who have participated must
lie about their sexual experiences to remain acceptable. Too many
sex teachers are ineffectual because they don't know enough about
real, live sex. They have not had sufficient experience to even
identify their own sexual problems.
Most of our contemporary images of sex are based on what we
see in the movies or on television. Often we get kissing as a stand-in
for sex. The alternative is lovers frantically ripping off each other's
clothes with mouths glued together until they fall onto a bed, still
half dressed. We seldom get to see scenes of slow, sensuous sex. In-
stead, we're bombarded with images of sexual urgency, desperate

grabbing with mouth mauling, and compulsive kissing. When
passion equals urgency, sex becomes a rush to the finish line.
For those of us who rent X-rated videos, images of sex aren't

much better. To create more drama, most pom directors encourage
faked female orgasms with screaming and bucking. Male orgasm is
2 [Ed-l Sexzvorker is a recently evolved term referring to women and

men who provide for a fee a sexual service/entertainment, such as nude
dancing, sexual intercourse, sexual massage, and phone sex.
represented with ejaculations flying through the air, often landing

on some part of a woman's body. Nothing like a big glob of jism
pooling in the comer of a heavily massacred eye to turn most women
off porn. Maybe coming on a woman's face is revenge for all the
times we've said, "Careful, don't mess up my makeup." Or from
some men's point of view, perhaps it's a symbolic way of making a
woman more of a participant in the sexual action instead of remain-
ing a passive sleeping beauty.
Some fine scripts for X-rated movies could be based on people's
wild ideas about what takes place in my workshops. One time after
explaining how I taught sex by doing sex, my listener imagined me
dashing around the room giving each woman an orgasm. One of
my married students' husband was convinced that on the second
day I'd bring in the men women. His wife sweetly
to fuck the
explained, "There will be no men, darling, just our zucchinis." One

student's fantasy of my workshop was being made love to by a group
of lesbians, while I made suggestions to improve each one's tech-
nique. I must admit that some of these fantasies were so intriguing,
I used them for my own private masturbation. However, having

people drift into a sexual fantasy while I was talking about the real-
ity of my teaching got to be very frustrating.

"Someday, make a video of the workshops," I often thought
I'll
as I looked around the room and saw the glorious images of sex.
When I turned sixty, after describing my workshops a million times
to prospective participants, reporters, TV talk show hosts, teachers,
students, and strangers at parties, I finally decided to make a video-

tape that shows what I'd been doing all those years.
At every turn, the problems seemed insurmountable. How could
I get a group of women together who would be comfortable with
this kind of sexual exposure? The minute a camera enters the room,
the experience would be altered. Was there a way to light the group
during the masturbation celebration that would hide our faces?
The Artist • 131
Maybe the women could wear wigs, or sexy masks. It went like that
from the beginning, but in the end, my biggest problem was myself.
How did I feel about more public exposure? Wasn't it enough
that I'd written about my personal sex life for thousands of people
to read? Wasn't it enough that I'd shared orgasms with my work-
shop women for twenty years? I was having a monumental struggle
with the idea of being nude at my age, displaying my genitals, and
mass marketing my orgasm for all the world to see. My long-
departed mother's voice kept ringing in my ears, "Betty Ann, you
always go too far." Clearly, one of the biggest challenges of my life
was at hand.
The entire production my partner Samantha
was handled by
and me. The shooting was the easy part. To my amazement, all the
women were ready to "come out." The tough part was the endless
hours we spent in the editing room with me looking at my sixty-
year-old body. I, "the Queen of Selflove and Body Acceptance," sat
there day after day passing critical judgment on how I looked. I
wanted less of me, more of the women, and I sounded like a parrot
who kept repeating, "Cut, cut, cut."

After weeks of carrying on like that, one day Samantha turned
to me and asked, "Could you please get over yourself so we can
move along?" Whammo! I got it and shut the fuck up. Not that I
didn't continue to agonize over "looking good," but not speaking it
was the beginning of letting it go. About halfway through the edit-
ing, one day I was suddenly outside myself, viewing the tape with
detachment. As I watched this gray-haired, motherly woman with
her granny glasses, I became entranced. She was right-on, she was
talking straight, she was the bravest of generals on the front lines
with her troops, she was doing what she was saying, she was walking
her talk. A genuine admiration for her welled up inside me, and I
began to actually like my older self. The final outcome was a one-hour
video titled Selflouing: Video Portrait of a Women's Sexuality Seminar.
After twenty years of hearing myself and listening to women

share their sex lives, I found that one of our most consistent prob-
lems is the constant power struggle going on inside each of us: good
girl vs. bad girl. The morality that's been shoved down our throats
from religion, government, school, and the family has conditioned
us to be divided within ourselves. I no longer have any illusions
that masturbating to orgasm will eliminate this conflict, but having

an orgasm with ourselves is at least a moment of getting in touch
with our bodies and senses that just might support individual choice
over all those conditioned responses.
Another barrier to becoming fully sexual is most women's
insistence on having romantic love and passionate sex with some
mythical, perfect lover. By constantly being focused on finding
fulfillment "out there," we never have a chance to look within, to
develop the ability to fantasize, or to create new erotic images that
would consistently charge our sexual desire and arousal. Instead
we are stuck with our repetitious dreams of romance.

People use the word romance to mean many things. However,
my dictionary said it quite well: A fictitious tale of wonderful and
extraordinary events, characterized by much imagination and idealization.
If this were a definition of sexual fantasy, it would work. But con-
fusing "fictitious tales" with reality causes some serious problems.
When lovers turn into ordinary persons with blemishes and flaws,
when the burden of trying endlessly to sustain sexual passion
through increasingly artificial means finally fails, we fall out of love,
only to repeat the pattern again.
These romantic images feed our notion of what sex should be
As a teenager, I remember longing for a penis inside my vagina
like.
with my "true love," knowing the experience would produce an

orgasm that would be far and beyond anything I'd ever experienced
from masturbation, including all the orgasms from handjobs with
my teenage boyfriend. Ironically, in my second year of marriage, I
The Artist • 133
was secretly masturbating to memories of those hot, high-school
handjobs.
Contrary to much of the available romantic literature, an or-
gasm is not always a grand mal seizure, especially when a woman

is first learning about sex —alone, with a new lover, or with her hus-
band. A good example was Alice, a fifty-two-year-old woman who
came to see me privately. At our first session she said, "If I could
have the 'big O' every time my husband and I made love, I'd be
happy." Occasionally she was having what she called "small or-
gasms" with her partner of thirty years. Every Friday night they
had sex, and when a little orgasm came along, Alice would think,
"Oh, that's nothing." Unable to build upon her existing sexual

response, she kept beating herself up with her sexual expectations.
It was similar to wanting to go from walking ten blocks to running a
ten-mile marathon with nothing in between.
I recommended Alice start practicing orgasm with herself on a
regular basis. If she could learn to give herself those same "little
comes," she could focus on intensifying her experiences of orgasm

gradually. Since she dislikes electric massagers, I suggested she do
manual stimulation while I watched. The room was not that warm,
so Alice only took off her skirt and panties. Sitting along side of her,
I had her oil her genitals, and then asked her to stimulate her clito-
ris. She had a heavy-handed movement that was quite clumsy. It
reminded me of watching a small child tying a shoelace for the first

time. Even simple, basic skills require learning how to make the
moves.
Wearing a lubricated latex glove, I touched her with light pres-
sure, using different movements that I verbalized. "I'm making small

circles with one finger; this is two fingers above, below, and along-
side your clitoris. Now I'm using my whole hand to stimulate your
clitoris more indirectly." After doing herself by imitating me, she
said it did feel good, but then she lost interest and all sensation in
about five minutes. Her homework was to masturbate whenever

she felt hke make sure she cradled her genitals in one hand
it, but to
every night before she went to sleep. This was a comforting gesture
that would help her to get used to touching her "private parts," as
she called them.

On our second session she was happy to report her marital sex
was definitely improving. A new appreciation for her husband's
handjobs was now producing orgasm for her most of the time, and
she was beginning to get pleasant sensations when she touched her
genitals. Although she had been unable to give herself an orgasm,
with time, practice, and patience, I'm sure she'll succeed. In the
meantime, she's thoroughly enjoying the Friday-night orgasms with

her husband.
The idea of touching a client is severely frowned upon in most
therapeutic circles. Perhaps the reason for this was to protect clients
from sexual advances by therapists. While this might present a prob-
lem for some, I personally have never felt an overt sexual desire in a
teaching context. For me, the laying on of hands is an integral part

of any healing process. Rather than calling myself a "therapist," I
see myself more as an "orgasm coach" who helps clients change

their behavior. That doesn't mean I don't include some standard
therapeutic processes, such as listening to a person's problems, ver-
bal probing, and gentle guidance that will lead to insights. We need
to take advantage of every possible approach in helping people to
discover sexual pleasure.
My individual sessions have also included coaching a woman
through her first extramarital affair after twenty-fivê years of mo-
nogamy. She had no information about male sexuality except what
she had learned from being with her husband, and she had no idea
how to tell her new lover what turned her on. I urged her to in-
clude her electric massager with her new lover since it was the only
way she could orgasm consistently. The affair only lasted a few
The Artist • 135
months, but it had a wonderful effect on her marriage. She gained

the courage to use her massager with her husband, and she started
having orgasms with him for the first time.
Another private cUent, a young woman in her early thirties who

had never had an orgasm, actually had one during our first session
after getting some basic sex information. June had been using the
massager by bearing down and relying only on pressure for her
sexual buildup. After a while, she had to stop because the massager
was creating pain instead of pleasure. We experimented with differ-
ent layers of a washcloth between her and the massager to control
the intensity of stimulation. She liked the cloth folded once. Then I
showed her how to put the massager to the side, above, but not
directly on her clitoris for any extended period of time and to keep it
in motion. I paced her breathing with the sound of my own, remind-

ing her to keep her pelvis rocking gently forward and back. Next we
added the PC muscle. As she rocked forward, she squeezed the
muscle, and coming back, she let it go and relaxed. Then she tried
several different dildos. Picking the one she liked, I asked her to
explore the sensations inside her vagina by pressing the dildo in
different directions. She preferred a downward position. Finally, I
suggested combining all of the elements: moving the massager, rock-

ing her hips, slowly moving the dildo in and out while she squeezed
her PC muscle, then releasing it, along with pacing her breathing.
After about fifteen minutes, she had her first orgasm, much to our
mutual delight. June left with her self-esteem soaring.
One woman in her forties came for a session, wanting to know
if she was "doing it right" and where on a scale of one-to-ten would
I grade her sexual response. After watching her masturbate by hand,
with a massager, and also using a dildo for penetration, I assured
her she was doing great! She had a nice orgasm, paid me, and left
feeling elated knowing she was a "ten" according to "an expert."

Part of knowing who we are sexually comes from other people's
feedback, but she'd never been able to talk with anyone about her
sex life, especially masturbation.
Another example of the absence of sexual self-knowledge was

a shy woman who didn't feel comfortable taking a group, so she
booked a private session. She said her orgasms were fine, but
she worried a lot about whether or not she was normal "down there."
Using the same process I did in the workshops, I sat alongside her
while we looked into the mirror together. Her genitals were beauti-
ful, with long inner lips that looked like lovely drapery with a perky
clit at the top. Her relief showed on her face, and she smiled from
ear to ear when I told her she had one of my favorite styles of
genitals, "Baroque." This simple reassurance made her feel more
complete.
Afterward, I wondered what her mother had thought when she
diapered and washed her baby daughter's genitals with those abun-
dant inner lips? My own experience of being imprinted with a non-
verbal message was verified in a conversation with my mother when
I was in my forties. In my first book. Liberating Masturbation, I'd
included fifteen drawings of women's genital portraits, and also told

the story of my imagined genital deformity. After reading my book,
my mother admitted she'd been concerned about my extended
inner lips when I was a baby, always wondering if I was "normal." I
held that nonverbal message until I was thirty-five years old.
Most sex educators agree that our first sexual messages are non-
verbal. Maybe it way back to the circumstances under
goes all the
which we were conceived. When we were growing inside our moth-
ers, what did it feel like when they had an orgasm? Did our fathers
speak to us during the nine months of gestation? What would it be

like if mothers had orgasms during the birthing process while
fathers provided clitoral stimulation? I've had several workshop
women describe giving birth in this manner, and each time, the
image inspired every woman in the room.
The Artist • 137
Sexual inspiration is an important aspect of the workshops.

During the guided masturbation celebration, women are getting
some erotic images to play back the next time they masturbate. I
always encourage everyone to explore their minds for images or

ideas that turn them on, including reading erotic literature or watch-
ing X-rated videos. In most workshops, after we have dinner, we
come back to my apartment and I put on some sex videos for them
to watch. They see blowjobs, cum shots, anal and vaginal fucking,
gay handjobs, and lesbian oral sex. There is no baby raping, no dis-
memberment, no violence — ^just pictures of sex.
Currently, pornography is being blamed for rape, incest, wife

battering, date rape, child abuse, and sexual harassment of women
in the workplace. These aberrations stem from sexual repression, not
graphic pictures of human sexuality. While it's true some pornogra-
phy is low on aesthetics, that just makes it bad art. We have to re-
member that the crusade to end pornography is really an attack on

our first amendment rights and an effort to control our sexual free-
dom. Freedom is not free. We need to speak out against religious
bigots who demand we all have monogamous marital sex for pro-
creation, and anti-porn feminists who are intent on preserving

romantic illusions by demanding their lovers be faithful, including
no more beating off with Playboy and Penthousel
Although most of my work has been around female sexuality, I
have done a few workshops and some private counseling with men.
Some middle-aged men have come me just for the thrill of
to see
sharing masturbation with an interested woman who won't be judg-

mental. Most of the older men have problems with erections, and
they're convînced their sex lives are over unless I can give them
some magic trick to restore their potency. Yes, you guessed it, mas-
turbation to the rescue.
Using the same techniques I teach women, I have them use an
electric massager, assuring them they can have an orgasm without a
hard-on. At first, most men complain about not liking the sensation
of an "electrical appliance/' but I ignore their complaint and keep
talking. "Just keep breathing, rock your pelvis, squeeze the PC, and
fantasize I'm Marilyn Monroe." Usually I can see the moment they
let go of their resistance, get into the good sensations, and finally
come all over the "electrical appliance" with a soft-on. They admit
the orgasm felt great, but want to know how can they have sex with
a woman without a hard-on. I list the ways they can be good lovers:
massage, manual sex, oral sex, either partner strapping on a dildo
for vaginal or anal sex, using other sex toys for penetration, using
one massager for two, and sharing masturbation where both people
have own massagers —to name a few.
their
The other big problem for men is ejaculating too soon, becoming
flaccid, and believing in the arbitrary thirty-minute refractory period
that ends the sexual exchange. One workshop woman said, "My
husband has a thirty-day refractory period." I believe the lack of
erections and premature ejaculation women
is the counterpart of
not coming at all. These men are "preorgasmic," although we never

use that term when we're talking about male sexuality. The solution
for both preorgasmic women and men in basically the same: mas-
turbate, and train your body to respond to sexual stimulation. Men
can learn to control the urge to ejaculate by contracting their PC
muscle and squeezing the penile glands before they reach the point
of no return. The erection will subside a bit, but with continued stimu-
lation, it comes back for more. Men also need to be encouraged to
use lots of sensuous massage oil when they masturbate, especially

if they are circumcised.
In my opinion, sexual ignorance keeps us from making the con-
nection between the pain of circumcision and sexual dysfunction in
men. We know our bodies hold the memory of pain in the muscles
and connective tissue. Such memories would affect the penis as well.
Circumcision is an unnecessary and barbaric surgical procedure

The Artist • 139
that's performed without anesthesia. Doctors act as though the fore-

skin is nothing but a piece of worthless flesh, but it's perfectly-
designed to protect the delicate penile glands. All the sensitive nerve
endings in the foreskin greatly enhance masturbation and inter-
course. Some sex researchers believe that up to 40 percent of penile
sensitivity is lost when the foreskin is removed. In every workshop,
I appeal to all the mothers not to fall for the "cleanliness rap" as a
reason to remove a baby's foreskin. Every mother can clean her

baby's penis until he is old enough to be shown how to wash him-
self. We don't cut off our ears because they're difficult to clean.
The concept that we armor our bodies with fat or rigid
muscles to protect ourselves from pain originated with Wilhelm
Reich. He believed the natural flow of sexual energy leading to re-
peated experiences of orgasmic pleasure was the opposite of the au-

thoritarian personality with an armored body and a rigid mind dedi-
cated to sustaining control and power over others. He talked about
the absolute necessity of having orgasms on a regular basis in order
to maintain mental health and personal happiness. Orgasm was more
than a biological function of procreation or the side effect of casual
pleasure: "It is the very center of human experience and ultimately
determines the happiness of the human race."
Fleeing the rise of fascism in Germany, Reich came to the USA

only to become a victim of America's fascism. His theories challenged
our entire social and political system. When Reich extended his theo-
ries to define the function of the orgasm as the Life Energy, it was to be
his undoing. Giving sex the status of a cosmic healing force flew in the
face of our Judeo-Christian doctrine, which permitted marital sex for
the purpose of procreation only. Not only did the religious establish-
ment rise up in arms, but the full fury of the Food and Drug Adminis-
trahon and the American Medical Association was unleashed. Reich
was put in the Federal Penitentiary at Lewisburg, where he died
November 3, 1957, a day of infamy for our entire justice system.
Teaching sex by doing sex hasn't always been an erotic bowl of

cherries. Aware I was treading on dangerous ground, I learned to
walk softly. Always mindful of the defenders of the status quo, I
knew religious fanatics, right-wing politicians, and anti-sex femi-
nists were all capable of violence. However, most of the attacks on

me and my work came in the form of name-calling that was meant
to degrade me personally or to demean my words and art.
One of the first labels hurled at me was "pomographer." Lacking

any experience with the word, I was angry and hurt. "How could
anyone find my beautiful drawings pornographic?" But soon I
learned that name-calling was at the heart of all censorship. The real
issue at stake was freedom to think, freedom to fantasize, freedom
to imagine the unimaginable —in short, the freedom to be creative.
My healing came when I stopped defending myself and embraced
the label. "Yes, I'm a feminist pomographer who believes in first
amendment rights and artistic freedom." Next came the pejorative

hiss, "lesbian!" which was supposed to intimidate me back into pas-
sive female conformity. "Yes, I'm a lesbian feminist who loves both
women and men." When the ultimate degradation, "Whore!" was
hurled at me, I welcomed that label too. "Yes, I'm a whore, a sacred
prostitute, an ancient temple priestess who serves the goddess of
love." Taking on all the labels allowed me to claim my power.

My sexual evolution has been an integral part of my spiritual
growth. Once I understood that masturbation was a meditation on
selflove,my sexuality and spirituality grew closer together. When I
think about my other spiritual practices, put art near the top of the I
list. Drawing was a beautiful meditation, and mastering the nude

was an excellent discipline. The creative process and developing a
sense for aesthetics —the search for beauty, its sources, its forms, and
its effects —will always be a profound spiritual consideration for me.
Although I came from the Bible Belt in Wichita, Kansas, my
parents were not religious people. Mother thought the Bible was a
The Artist • 141
collection of fairy tales, and that only ignorant people believed it
was the word of God. My dad was an atheist. With no religious pres-
sure, I naturally wanted to join a church. So Mother took me to a
Methodist church to be baptized at twelve. After a few months of

boring Sunday School and a brief stint of singing in the choir, I got
over wanting to belong to an organized religion. But I kept search-
ing for something outside myself to give life a special meaning.
My spiritual quest has been very eclectic because I explored

each new teacher, group, or process that intrigued me. First I was
into psychiatry and group therapy. Next it was General Semantics
and non- Aristotelian thought, followed by A New Model of the Uni-
verse by Ouspensky. That led to studying the teachings of Gurdjieff,
which was basically a form of esoteric Christianity for a chosen few.
After that I got involved with the twelve-step programs that opened
their doors to everyone who had a desire to stop using their drug of
choice. I began studying and practicing yoga. I took Tantra work-
shops. For a while I worshipped group sex as the highest Tantra
ritual. I learned Transcendental Meditation. Becoming a vegetarian,

I turned health into a religion. I went on retreats, I fasted, I got
colonics. I became a feminist and turned that into a religion. There
were many psychic readings where I learned about my guardian

angels, spirit guides, and past lives. I studied metaphysics. I got
Rolfed, rebirthed, and had foot reflexology. My horoscope was done;
I used the Tarot cards and then the I Ching. I worshipped the god-
dess and made up my own rituals. I joined a lesbian SM^ support
^ [Ed-l SM and S&M are terms referring to forms of erotic expression

usually employing the consensual playing of dominant and submissive roles
along with activities resulting in intense sensations which a nonpartici-
pant might label pain. Bondage and discipline, also consensual, are often in-
vohed in such erotic play. SM, the term, derives from the concept in psy-
chopathoiogy known as sadomasochism, though SM as consensual erotic
play would not usually be pathological. Ironically, SM advocates' use of
the term SM fvmctions as a playful "topping" of naive SM opponents.
group. I did Smokenders three times. I took the Forum and some of
their follow-up seminars, and a couple of years ago, I did a week-
long Avatar seminar. Although in many ways I'm a doubting Thomas,
I love to read about ETs, Light Beings, Pleiadians, and flying saucers. I
continue to practice my sexual meditation with masturbation.

Every teacher, each discipline, and all of these groups taught
me something about myself—a steppingstone along a winding path.

But the struggle between "turning my life over to a power outside
myself" and "being committed to questioning all authority" always
bailed me out. My need to be an individual on my own terms would
pull me back into the mundane world to grapple once more with
my divided self: good girl vs. bad girl.
Maybe was because my initials spelled B.A.D.
it that I tried so
hard to be good. But in the end, the juiciest bit of wisdom I gleaned
was that I was both good and bad in an imperfect society. As I con-
tinue along my spiritual path, one thing is sure: I know the path will
never remain the same.
Every time we follow gurus or teachers we adore, they become
authority figures and we end up surrendering our power to them.
Although I might be addicted to being adored, I have never wanted
to perpetuate that kind of authoritarian control, especially over
women who took my workshops. I used to call myself "a one-night-
stand guru." With each passing year, I realize more and more the
importance of designing a method of teaching that required women

to take only one, or maybe two, workshops. After that, there was
nothing to join and no way to see me on an ongoing basis. The an-
tithesis of sexual freedom would be creating thousands of little Bettys
who were all having orgasms just like me.
While the Eastern-guru craze has somewhat subsided, we now
have a rash of Americans teaching sex under the labels of Tantra
and Taoist sex practices. Most of the information about Tantra sex is
speculative at best because it had an oral tradition that was taught

The Artist • 143
to the same old "chosen few," who then become "spiritually enlight-
ened." I have no problem with the idea of people teaching rituals
that treat sex as a form of meditation, that encourage breathing tech-

niques, or that promote better communication skills between part-
ners. But the use of the word Tantra confuses more than it explains
by mystifying sex. Tantric teachers are being puritanical when they
use Hindu words to talk about sex and body parts. We need to
diffuse the English words so people can speak about sex more
comfortably.
While I personally believe my sexuality and spirituality are
closely connected, I don't want to go overboard by turning sex into
a religious practice. And I certainly don't want all of my orgasms to

be sacred, ecstatic, ritualized communions with some divine pur-
pose. There are times I just want a quickie with a scuzzy fantasy of
being tied down and fucked by a sadistic scoutmaster and his

entire Boy Scout troop.
Now that we are in the '90s, I'm still perceived by some people
as "weird" to be sure, but I have also been acknowledged by many
wonderful people who respect my simple message: "Selfsexuality
is the ongoing love affair that each of us has with ourselves through-
out our lifetime." Teaching masturbation by masturbating has kept
me fairly honest, not that I don't still lie to myself occasionally, but
when you see your teacher playing with herself, it's difficult to turn
her into someone who is more than human or larger than life.
Given the current political power trip of the Religious Coali-

tion, with its agenda to control the way people worship, live, and
love, it's surprising that 1 have received such a small amount of hate
mail. Instead, the file folders marked "love letters" fills up several
times each year. I've heard from educators, clergy, doctors, lawyers,
lesbians, mothers, housewives, soldiers, prisoners, nurses, healers,
therapists, nuns, priests, bankers, artists, executives, writers, enter-
tainers, and other folks who didn't identify themselves. It's very
much like the women who take my groups: a cross section of America
in all its glorious diversity. Their common interest is a desire to know
more about human sexuality, especially selfsexuality.

I have always been excited by the possibility of change for
every woman who has taken a workshop. Sometimes the change

takes place before my eyes; other times I get the feedback later on.
Getting a first orgasm is thrilling. Some younger women with new
lovers have told me they're beginning to explore what turns them
both on with a more open dialogue about sex. Married women have
said that sharing their sexual self-knowledge with their husbands
has charged a flagging sex life. Mothers have talked with me about
not interfering with their children's natural sexual exploration with
masturbation. More women are dispelling myths about romantic
love. They're no longer confusing good sex with love. Some are ques-
monogamy when they know it rarely exists.
tioning the ideal of
Couples who do choose to be monogamous are agreeing to a single
standard. Women are also taking a hard look at jealousy and pos-
sessiveness as a healthy way to express a loving posture.
Today I believe sex energy is not only the life force, but also the
source of all creativity. Each orgasm is a precious moment of joy. Sex
quiets the mind, deep breathing brings oxygen into the bloodstream,
the heart is exercised as it pumps blood through the veins, hormones
and endorphins are released, the skin sweats, muscular tension is
heightened and then drained, followed by deep relaxation and a

sense of well-being with feelings of contentment through an inti-
mate connection with ourselves or another person. As we awaken

our bodies through the senses, we awaken our minds to the knowl-
edge that all living things are connected —on Earth and throughout
the vast universe.
Carolyn Elderberry
The Masseuse
Introduction to
Carolyn Elderberry
When I answered, Juliet Carr was on the phone. She quickly

said, "Carolyn has just been busted!"
"Those pigs!" I responded. I immediately flew into my rage.
"Those macho assholes are afraid to confront the crack dealers tot-
ing automatic rifles. Erotic masseuses don't shoot back. What a waste
of taxpayer money —these are consenting adults!" It took me a while
to calm down.
As it turned out, Carolyn had been the calmest one of us all. She
had remained centered, even after the vice squad's onslaught that
was to leave her eye badly bruised and blackened when the kicked-
in door of her home slammed against her face. When she had cho-
sen to do her full-body massage therapy, she knew that someday
she might be arrested on prostitution charges for doing what is
popularly referred to as "sensual massage," sometimes as "erotic

massage" or "sexual massage."
147
Carolyn does a lot more than total-body touch. She has a

bachelor's degree in psychology, and from the San Francisco Theo-
logical Seminary she received a master's degree in the area of eth-
ics. For her master's degree project, she developed and then later
taught in her church a sex-positive sex education program for early

teens and their parents {sex-positive meaning that abstinence is one
of many options and that a god's wrath is never threatened as a
motivating factor). She wâs trained and then volunteered on sex in-
formation hot lines, spending hundreds of hours answering on the

telephone the sex questions of young, middle-aged, and senior
people of all sexual orientations and persuasions. Carolyn has also
been trained as a sex surrogate and is certified in massage therapy.
Moreover, she identifies as Christian and is an ordained lay minis-
ter in her church.
My sense of Carolyn Elderberry is that she feels morally bound
to serve humankind and to serve from a heart space. So when the
vice squad rushed into her home with their guns drawn and she
was completely nude with a badly bruised face, she was confronted
with the moment of truth: could she walk her love-all-of-humanity
talk and turn the other cheek?
She told me later that it was during the experience of being
arrested and being stuck in a cold holding cell (where guards
refused her even a single blanket to keep warm) that something
opened up inside and without fear, anger, resentment, or regret she
realized that she was on the right path, doing truly righteous work,
having a meaningful impact on people's lives doing her full-body/

mind massage work.
Nine months after the arrest the charges were dropped due to
"a lack of evidence." It was then, committed to her values, Carolyn

decided to go to the office of the undercover vice squad officer who
had taken off his clothes and received her almost two-hour session.
There, turning the other cheek, she explained to the officer that she
The Masseuse • 149
would continue to do what she had been doing in her sessions
before the arrest. She went on to explain the real nature of her work
and her intent in facilitating her clients to have more meaningful
lives.
The chapter that follows is that story.

The Masseuse
by
Carolyn Elderberry
WILLING TO BE HONEST?
Want to Improve Life?
I'd like to help you feel good

about yourself & improve your
important relationships. Hands-on
massage /bodywork & caring talk. .
151
My work involves talk, touch, eye contact, presence. The work

begins when the client reads the advertisement above, telephones,
and listens to a two-and-one-half-minute message. If he's interested
(most of my clients are males), at the end of my message I join the

line and we talk.
The phone conversation may be quite short because the caller
has not understood my message. He may be attracted to stay on the

line because I sound friendly and take a personal interest in my
I
work. Sometimes I suggest a course of action, reading, or profes-

sional consultation as being more appropriate than coming to see
me. I may invite the person to call in the future after he has done
some of the suggested exploration.
Some callers may not be familiar with the mystical, spiritual, or

holistic concepts I speak of in my message, but they are responsive
to what they have heard so far and want to know and understand
more. What feels "right" for me is the way the prospective client
and I understand the implications between the lines of words. The

client may immediately demonstrate that we are like-minded by
saying he is looking for an integrative experience and the possi-
bility of enhancing and expanding other areas of his life; he is
not merely looking for an interlude of sensuality or a titillating
sexual experience.
In the early years of my work I didn't screen out clients looking
for brief sexual interludes. I did emphasize the aspects of being a
teacher, counselor, confidant. I also spoke long enough on the phone
to determine that this prospect was not crude in his sexual attitudes.
I preferred education and refinement, but I took long enough to not
turn working-class men away merely on that basis. I found many
such men to be quite sensitive to relationship and sexuality. Since I
offered to teach, an outgrowth of my history as a school teacher and

of my training as a sexual surrogate, it felt appropriate to see men
wanting to learn about sex and technique.
It took me some time to learn that the men I was talking with
frequently misunderstood me because they thought I was speaking

euphemistically.
A good example is a man who very nearly did not become a

client. I greeted Habib at the door and showed him into my massage
room and invited him to sit down. He began to look uncomfortable
and began stamjnering.
"You use a table?"
"Yes, of course I use a table for massage. Why?"

"Um. . .uh. . .1 don't want a massage."
"Hm... wasn't I quite clear on the phone that what I do is
massage? It's full body and sensual and erotic."

."
"Yes, you were clear, but. .
"But what?"
"Um...well...I,uh,um..."
"You thought you could talk me into 'sex' once you were here?"
"Um, yeah."
"I'm sorry. I thought I was perfectly clear."
"You were, you were. But it's not what I want. Not today. Maybe
some day I will and I'll call you."
I smiled and showed him to the door. He gave me an apologetic
look and repeated that he was sorry.
The next day Habib called to apologize. He realized he had taken

a couple of hours out of my workday and that he should not have
left when I had not misled him what to expect. Before hanging up,
he promised to call in the future and make an appointment for a
massage.
A few weeks later when Habib arrived, he sat on the sofa while
I massaged his feet. He's a hard-working immigrant with a large
family. He treats others with respect and really felt badly that,
previously, he had not kept his disappointment to himself and

completed our transaction. I reassured him that I was fine with his
conduct and appreciated the responsibility he took toward me and

my time. We continued to get to know one another and feel com-
fortable. I asked him to stand and began undressing him. We hugged
and. .he came. Needless to say he
. felt some embarrassment. I reas-
sured him and encouraged him onto the table for some massage. He
reluctantly agreed, but after only five or ten minutes he was restless
and indicated it was time to leave.
Upon his we both felt we had shown respect to one

departure,
another and felt better about the prior misunderstanding. He said
he would call again, but I rather doubted it. He was a tense person,
hard driving, focused on work and activity —definitely not a mas-
sage aficionado.
As I evolved in my work and became clearer about the criteria
I used in the screening conversation, I would see fewer clients who
were, in fact, simply shopping around for sexual variety. I wanted
ongoing client relationships so I would be able to grow while also
helping my clients. Profound encounters should change us. I was

not seeking shallow or superficial experience in my work. If that
was what I wanted, it was available in the sexual play world. My

intent was to validate, to support individuals in feeling good about
themselves and their healthy sexuality. I was willing to spend a

lot of time through conversation to motivate my clients to grasp
and appreciate a broader perspective of sexuality than they had
considered.
To my surprise, Habib did call me, and became a quite frequent
client. Imuch about his family and his powerful drive to
learned
provide well for them. He had all his children enrolled in parochial
schools; he was devoted to his wife, and his fooling around
was. . .well, just fooling around.
Several more times he came before gethng on the table. I'd keep
reassuring him and teasing him about his active imagination that
led him to such quick orgasms and emphasized that learning to

relax and receive massage would also help him to delay orgasm. I
secretly wondered about his wife, wondering if he always came so

quickly When I asked about his wife, he told me that she enjoyed
sex and was very willing and accommodating. What he didn't tell
me was that he was to become a father again. Six months after meet-
ing, he proudly told me of his son's birth. That gave me a better
understanding of the frequency of his visits to me.

For a number of subsequent visits, Habib could contain his plea-
sure and get onto the table, but he couldn't last once I touched his
buttocks. I worked with him to relax and receive my touch. I taught
him to tell me, in time, when he needed me to stop the touching so
his excitement could subside.
At the end of the first year of visits, he had worked up to stay-

ing for half the regular appointment time: thirty minutes. Gradually
he would relax more and stay longer. It was a real triumph the first
time he arrived and said, "Wow, I really need a massage," and was
able to wait until late in the appointment to experience orgasm.
We've been seeing each other seven years now, and he is quite a
different man from the one I met. We share information about our
real lives, our feelings and hopes and frustrations. Habib was the
first Palestinian I had met. I had avoided knowing Middle Eastern
men because I was sure they were all male chauvinists and very
macho. Habib has shown me that masculine pride can be expressed
through a profound responsibility to family and community. Within
the parameters of the professional relationship we have, we are
friends who have grown and enriched each other. Frequently Habib
comes to enjoy a full hour of massage, to physically relax and let go
tension, to feel turned on —yet will have me avoid his genitals so he
can take all the energy home to his wife!
Now, before I agree to an appointment, I must have a sense that

the client will be receptive to my work, will be willing to talk
honestly and is already making some changes in his life, working

J56 • Women of the Light
toward more balance and better physical conditioning. Since nvy

work is about health, I find it counterproductive to accept clients
who engage in an unhealthy lifestyle, and I accept only those who
have either stopped smoking or are seriously in the process of do-
ing so.
In the initial call I always ask about personal life and want to
know about marriage and children, if that is his situation. Those

callers who are not comfortable may hang up or tell me this is not
their interest, so we end the conversation. Other times I speak very
directly to their issues and guide them toward working it out with
their partner or working on themselves to discover their motives
and reasoning rather than seeing me; usually I can't know if what I
said did any good, but once in a while a person calls back to thank
me. Sometimes I point out that I am the wrong person for them and
thank them for their call. If the caller is comfortable talking about
his personal life, and especially if he welcomes this conversation,
we make an appointment.
When the client arrives, I show him into the massage room. The
light is soft; the colors, warm. He sits on a sofa, I on the floor, and I
remove his shoes and socks while we begin talking. Obviously we

are assessing each other at this point. I'm helping him to settle in
and become comfortable. I'm also getting a lot of information about

his body as I massage his feet. Soft music is playing in the back-
ground.
After about twenty minutes we stand and I begin to undress
him. It's a caring gesture, one with which many men are awkward
at first but generally come to enjoy very much. I remove my own
shirt and skirt. I'm in lingerie, he's in undershorts. Frequently I ask
if he'd like a hug. I notice his ease or unease with hugging. I also
notice the tension in his back and shoulders as I run my hands over
these areas and usually make a comment. Then I remove his shorts
and invite him to lie face down on the table.

I begin massaging —long, slow strokes from the top of the back
down onto the buttocks, returning with a light touch. I begin to move
over different areas, assessing the tension, letting my hands find
own way. I maintain maximum skin contact, including my fore-
their
arms as much as possible, allowing my body to lean into the table

when I'm at the sides. I'm mindful how adults rarely receive
touching and how nurturing a gentle and warm touch is. While I'm
practiced in clinical therapeutic massage and my massage is indeed
therapeutic, my strokes, rather than being simply clinical, are an
extension of myself and my caring for this human being on my table.
I want the message from my hands, n\y being with him, to be:
"Relax, you're loved, valued, appreciated." I want cells, sinew, bone,

muscle to receive this message. I don't fight tension in the body. I
enter the tension to coax it to release itself and open to the flow of
energy. I allow my body to come into tune with the body I'm
encountering. I become aligned with him. I don't consciously think
what to do. I don't "see" what needs to be done. My hands find
their way. I become linked in a caring way with him. Without aware-
ness, at first, I begin to make sounds as I work, soothing, purring
sounds, hke cooing with a baby. Bit by bit, the client eases, relaxes.
Frequently I hear soft (and sometimes not so soft) snoring. The body
is getting much needed rest, release from care and worry and activ-
ity. I feel the body, the tissue, softening. Sometimes I support the
tension, taking over with my hands and body the superfluous work
of the muscles, and gradually they relax and let go. A sense of well-
being suffuses the client.
Generally I massage down the back, over the buttocks, move to
the feet, and then up the legs. If there is little tension in the shoul-
ders and neck, I will probably find very tense legs. I knead those
calves, warming them with gentle friction. As the tightness leaves, I
lengthen the strokes. Sliding up the inside of the thigh, I lift the flesh
softly as I move outward just under the buttock and press in on the
sit bones, treating this neglected area to gentle but firm pressure.
Finally I begin at the feet and make long strokes to connect all of the
body, sliding down the arm and back down the leg. After several of
these strokes, I return to the head, massage the scalp and neck, then
give more strokes on the back and shoulders. Next I give light, feath-
ery strokes in large sweeps over the entire backside. This "wakens"
the skin and brings a delicious tingling into consciousness. Now it's I
time for him to slowly turn over onto his back.
At the head of the table, I slide my hands under his shoulders,

push the pads of my fingers upward, and let gravity help work out
the shoulder tension. I begin kneading the neck and shoulder area,
gently moving the head in different directions, loosening, soothing,
encouraging release of tension. Sometimes I massage the face now;

other times I move to the torso, pressing smoothly and evenly, coax-
ing the flesh to soften and give up any tension. Pressing in a circular
movement, I move down the torso. I begin moving both hands to-
gether, clockwise, over the abdomen. Now I slide my hands down

the sides of the body. When they reach the table, my fingers slide
under the torso, then outward and upward, gravity helping again.
Moving up the torso, I include the arms, then back to the torso, slid-
ing and gliding, moving onto the pubis, making small circles,
sliding my fingers along the crease where the leg joins the torso,
continuing down the inside of the thigh with the flat of my hand, up
over the thigh, my hand lingering where I find tightness, stroking,
gliding, kneading. .continuous motion, cradling, nurturing this body

.
in my hands. Back up the legs, the flat of my hands massage the

inside of the thighs, turning as I lift the scrotum, supporting it in my
palms and bringing my hands around and up the shaft of the penis,
now back down and onto the torso. I may move up to the head again,
without lifting my hands off the body, include the neck, and give
long strokes over the torso, crossing a hand above the penis, then
moving my hand backward and under the scrotum, lifting, stroking.
treating the testicles gently, lovingly, as a wonderful part of this body,
lightly lifting off, faintly touching the penis as I return to the torso. I
repeat these slow, gliding strokes, sometimes moving onto his legs,
sliding my hands up his thighs, under the scrotum, lifting, stroking,

gliding....
What I am doing is not a "handjob" or "jerk-off." By including

the genitals, I'm telling the body it is whole and wholesome. Too
often, the male genitals have been disparaged. The client's genitals
have rarely been admired and appreciated by women.

Though I avoid focus on the genitals because that would only
reinforce the notion that sex equals genitals, I do not ignore the geni-
tals. Rather, I am demonstrating to my client that it is the whole
body that is sexual. I encourage him to become aware of all his sen-
sations, his toes, his fingertips. When he begins to hold his breath
and focus on his genital sensation, I encourage him to keep breath-
ing, to keep the energy channels open, in effect to learn to experi-
ence more pleasure more intensely than he has. This is a process of
learning how to prolong and heighten sexual responsiveness.

I continue this process, including his nipples, the pleasure of
which is a very great surprise to some. I've removed my bra; and as
I lean in toward the table, I can also add more skin contact by brush-
ing his body with my breasts. On some strokes I will lightly drag
my nails across his skin, adding more intense tingling sensations.
Sometime during this part of the massage most clients will experi-
ence orgasm and ejaculation.

Men who become ongoing clients will, over time, learn to allow
more and more sensations to flood their bodies. They may learn to
reach orgasmic pleasure without ejaculation, allowing the feelings
to gently subside and then build again... and again. This type of
response was once thought to be experienced only by women,
but men can learn and enjoy it as well. After he ejaculates or begins
to allow the intense feelings to cool, I will use a slightly firmer stroke
beginning at his genitals, pulling the energy, the sensations, down

his legs, up his torso, out the fingertips and toe tips. Then I move to
the head of the table and gently massage the head and neck while
he floats in bliss, feeling so relaxed.
Currently my appointments are an hour and a half, so there is
no need to rush and there is usually plenty of time for the resolution
(resting) phase. Finally, I signal that the time is up, perhaps gently
kissing him on the forehead, or whispering something softly in his
ear, or laying my hand over his heart, feeling and sharing the energy.
Usually, when clients first visit me, they become aroused quite
quickly. Sometimes they come before they've been touched (other
than the feet); other times, like Habib, as soon as they are touched
anywhere on the body; and some with the first touch of their geni-
tals. Over time, these men learn to relax and experience the rest of
their bodies. They learn to enjoy the massage.
Few men realize that they had had an erection during their first
twenty-four hours of life. I first learned this observing my own son
when the pediatrician was examining him. Anyone who has watched
infants and toddlers unclothed knows that erections come and go
and are not directly connected to what we, as adults, call sexual
stimulation. Teenage boys become aware of this when they become

physically aroused by the slightest perception or thought associa-
tion to their own sexuality. Even fewer know that since the advent
of technology and prenatal screening, we know that males experi-
ence erection in utero. Presumably females experience comparable

sensations but, of course, it would not be visible.
I conclude that we humans are very sexual beings, not merely
beings who we are sexual every mo-

reproduce sexually, and that
ment of our lives. This does not mean that we are acting out genital
or even sex-focused sexuality. To me it means that our lives are
infused with sexuality. I equate this with vitality, interest, and
enthusiasm for life.
Furthermore, we are spiritual beings, not just when we are pay-

ing attention to the spiritual, but again, every moment of our lives.
This can be known but not proven. If it is so, and this I believe with
a sense of knowing, then we are inseparably spiritual and sexual.
Yet altogether too often, the sexual and spiritual are perceived as
being in opposition to each other within our historical culture.
The attitude or belief that our sexual nature and our spiritual
nature are in opposition constitutes sexual and psychic wounding

since it leads us to feel separation and alienation from our innate
nature. Sexual wounding limits our perceptions of ourselves and
others. All of us have grown up hearing negative messages about
sex and about bodies. Sexuality is further trivialized by the sensa-
tional overexposure of comedians and advertising — all of which use
the power of sex but add the "socially appropriate" implication that
sex is risque. Its no wonder we become fragmented and confused or

defensive about our sexual thoughts, feelings, and actions. My
premise is that the natural integration of sexuality and spirituality
has been ruptured by culture and the socializing experience.
My work is to create conditions that facilitate sexual healing,
thereby allowing clients to enhance their lives and relationships.

If I accept a married man as a client, it's because I've deduced
from our conversation that there is a good chance the marriage will
benefit as a result of the client's work with me. (What I say about
married clients applies also to those in an important relationship.) I
ask what they have done and are doing to deepen and enrich the
marriage. Are they being honest with their partner about their dis-
satisfaction? Sometimes the answer is yes, and they have reached a
point of frustration. Sometimes their frustration seems justified to

me, other times not. My response will depend on my judgment of
that. Either way I will be supportive of the client and guide him to
persist instead of abandoning his attempt to enjoy a good sex life
with his partner.

One day a married man called, and in the course of the con-
me his wife was going through a difficult period and

versation, told
he needed some TLC (tender, loving care). Because he was forth-
coming in talking about his marriage, I agreed to see him. He said
he would call me back.
I was pleasantly surprised a few days later when Jorge called
and said, "After talking with you the other day, I sense there is a
greater possibility here than my just taking care of my need for TLC.
I'd like to share with you what is going on in my situation and
discuss how we might proceed. Initially could we do only a verbal
session?"
Thus began a rewarding relationship. Jorge's wife was a coun-
selor herself and therefore putting out a lot of energy to others. She
was, as well, working on her own issues and had recently become
aware that she needed to work through her teenage experience of
being molested by her minister. As she did this, she became very
uninterested in being sexual with her husband. Since life is never as
neat and orderly as we might wish it, there were other family crises
happening as well. Jorge was understanding but also feeling pretty
desperate. He was feeling deprived and running out of patience. He

was also confused about some of the differences in his preferences
in rearing his son versus his wife's choices. This particularly inter-
ested me as I have experience as a parent and training in parent
education. The role of parenting is not given sufficient attention re-
garding its intrusion into the marital relationship. I suggested we

do sessions combining a half hour of talking followed by a massage.
We agreed.
Partway through the first massage, Jorge asked if I would be

wilhng to he beside him on the massage table. He wanted to hold
me, if I didn't mind. I'm careful to remain "the director" during an
appointment. I won't trade places nor will I usually join a client on
the table. Jorge's request did not feel manipulative; I sensed no co-
vert plans to grope me. It felt appropriate, so I agreed.
"May I touch you?"
"Yes."
Jorge stroked me lightly.

"I like your touch."
"Really?"
"Yes, you have a very nice touch. I feel you are sensitive and
caring, and I like your touching me."
With a deep sigh, he continued, enjoying the feeling of soft skin
under his hands, caressing me gently and nongenitally. He wanted
no more massage that day. Before leaving, he told me something
that taught me a lot.

"I really needed to be received. That's the most important thing
that is missing. Right now my wife doesn't even want to be held. As
much as I need to be touched myself now, I really need to feel
received. That's a wonderful gift you've given me today."

Jorge wasn't entirely comfortable with seeking sexual sensa-
tions with another woman, so we moved slowly. It was particularly
easy since he wanted half the massage time to be holding and feel-
ing close. He finally decided that what he was doing was definitely
not from selfish motives but realistic need and true desire to pre-
serve and improve his marriage and that it would be okay for him
to enjoy climax.
We saw each other about once a month. He and his wife were
also in couple counseling, and Jorge was able to weave the processes
together. After his wife became pregnant, he thought he wouldn't
see me again. Following the birth and the very tiring life following
that, however, he came once more to recharge his batteries and say
good-bye.
After Jorge put into words the need to be received, I realized
how much this applied to so many of my clients. I began discussing

this with them and found many men, who hadn't articulated this
need to be received, grateful for my understanding. The men who

were still having sex with their wives, but finding it too perfunc-
tory, always expressed relief at having their frustration named. They
all knew they wanted their wives to desire them; they hadn't real-
ized the extra dimension of their frustration was their need to be
wanted and received.
Over time my clients begin to relax and unwind when they are
with me. They begin to respond to my sincere interest in them and
their lives. They begin to speak of their feelings and especially some
of their frustrations. They begin to understand what has been miss-
ing for them —not just the physical pleasure of sexual stimulation
and release, but the closeness of union. This is not to imply union
with me, as ours is a professional and limited relationship. But they
do begin to realize their loss of intimacy and its importance to them.
Some will respond to my suggestions about opening dialogue with
their partner, but most, unfortunately, feel safer sharing intimacy
with me. They feel they have been rejected, and they have great need
to protect themselves from further sexual rejection.
One of my clients eventually came to share just that with me.

Tall, slender, tanned, and silver haired, Lenny began seeing me
before I my clientele to those on the spiritual journey. He
restricted
would listen to my talk of soul and spirituality, holism and healing,

and then chuckle indulgently. He smokes, hangs out with buddies
in bars, and his exercise is a weekly game of He thinks what I
golf.
talk about is psychobabble or New Age and doesn't make sense. It

might sound good, but it doesn't apply to him or anything he can
use. Still, he keeps coming back to see me.
It took him several visits to feel secure and share concerns with
me. He reluctantly told me that he lived with his girlfriend "and we
don't have sex anymore. She doesn't want to."
"But what about you?"

"I'm here/' he said with finality. I took the hint and backed off.
On subsequent visits, I'd be careful not to pry, yet try to learn

and understand a little more.
"Thinking about your girlfriend —^was sex ever good?"
"At first, yeah."
"You think she enjoyed sex?"
"I thought so then."
"Do you talk together about it?"
"Um, once in a while. She says she just doesn't feel like it."
"Don't you want to revive it?"

"Sure I want a sex life. But I'm not going to beg."
The tone told me it was time to change the conversation. Lenny

was not the first client I had heard use the word heg. My estimate,
based on conversations with many clients, is that a man feels he's
begging after being rebuffed on three occasions. Most learn to turn

off toward their partner rather than risk further rejection.
Through our conversations I hope to validate my client's sexu-

ality and its importance to him and also help him to understand
what might be his partner's reasons for her behavior. If they have
just let the sexual slide and it's been some time, I'll suggest courting,
reawakening his wife's interest. This especially means that I will
press him to be considerate, romantic, to touch and caress his wife

and not go on to "sex." This is a hard one for most men. But it's
probably imperative if the romance has gone. If they have never

talked about the lapse of sex in their marriage, I'll strongly urge that
they do so and will, in effect, do role-playing with them by suggest-
ing imaginary scenarios.
Most of the time when I steered the conversation in this direction
—
with Lenny he would adroitly steer me away. Finally he told me, "I
don't want her taking mercy on me and dutihilly obliging."
"I understand — ^but sex is an important part of life and relation-

ship. You aren't going to let it die, are you?"
"The rest of our relationship is good. We enjoy each other's com-
pany and a lot of the same things. I like being together, and it's a
long time now."

"How long?"
"Ten years."
"That is a long time. I hope I can persuade you to talk with her
and find helpful ways to approach the subject."
"You don't give up easily, do you?"
"I really believe in what I'm doing. All of us deserve to enjoy
our sexuality. It's sad how we women frequently let sex go for what-
ever reasons. I was that way. Ask my first husband! I remarried a
man with experience and patience. I thought he wanted altogether
too much sex and told him it was all in his head. His body didn't
really need so much. Without making me wrong, he got me to listen
tohim and ask myself questions. I certainly became better off for it.
Now I know how much better I feel when I share sexuality with a
partner."
"You know, something odd — I don't mean to be boasting but

the first year we were dating, we had sex every day for a year. I just
noticed, I mean, I wasn't counting. But we never missed a day."
"Of course frequency is a lot higher at first but... every day?

And now nothing? What happened?"
"We moved in together, and it became less and less frequent."
"Surely you spoke to her?"

"She reminded me that I knew she hadn't had sex with her
late husband the last eight years of their marriage and he hadn't
complained."
"Are you sure, Lenny, that this is what you want?"
"Everything else is good. I've told you I don't want mercy sex.
I enjoy seeing you. I don't know if I come here for the sex or the
talk."
I assured Lenny he wasn't unusual. Clients who continue to see

me come for the intimacy of sharing honest talk.
Some men still cuddle and touch though their wives don't want
sex. In this case, I really support them for taking care of themselves
rather than letting their sexuality wither or themselves become bit-
And I want to know how they justify coming to see me. In other
ter.
words, they have to acknowledge what they are doing and how it
might affect their marriage.
I would not be assisting anyone in healing if I were to support

them in escapist behavior. Sometimes limiting their sexual expres-
sion to the sessions with me is entirely appropriate. They are behav-

ing in a way that is responsible to their relationship. Like Jorge and
Lenny they are not jeopardizing their partners and they are taking
care of legitimate needs, giving themselves patience to be loving,
caring partners even without sex.
Those who are single may substitute their relationship to me
for a personal one. There are a number of reasons they might do
this. One is that they are busy with their profession and don't feel
they have enough time to give to a love relationship. Another is their
shyness, perhaps even a lack of social skills. They may have been
emohonally hurt in an earlier relationship and don't want to risk
that again. Another reason could be their limited ability to tolerate
closeness. In a professional relationship with me they can have brief

interludes of closeness, yet the limits preclude any risk of intimacy
in the entirety of their lives.
Over time I will guide the conversation to include possibilities

of relationship and what might be the reasons for holding back. To
single clients, I'll suggest resources, ways to meet others, and help
with social skills, if that is needed. Frequently, a man will act as if he
thinks the love of his life is going to suddenly appear without any
effort on his part —and that he will know this is the one. If this is the
case, I'll gently tease him about his expectations of this effortless
meeting. If it seems appropriate, bit by bit, I'll nudge him to begin

efforts for himself.
Thirty-one-year-old Robert was a little shy, a gentle man, good-

looking with medium blond hair, a golden complexion, balanced
features, and a body kept fit by his participation in sports year-round.
From the beginning, Robert loved massage and touch. He quickly
became at ease with me and soon was keeping a monthly appoint-
ment. Occasionally he would ask me to take a Polaroid photo of him
to use in a reply to a personals ad.
He'd tell me about the women he met and the dates they were
having. But each relationship seemed to dwindle after a few months.
Robert was on a career track in the hotel industry, was a diligent
worker with a good future ahead, and yet was definitely not a
workaholic. He was also an avid reader. Why did one attempt at

relationship after another fail? I was quite puzzled and would tact-
fully broach the subject.

Robert became more and more easy and relaxed with me. He
frequently brought me flowers or some small gift. I became aware
he had romantic feelings for me. He finally verbalized his interest. I
replied that I was flattered, but he knew I had a relationship and

was quite satisfied. At that time, unfortunately, I failed to make it
clear that because ours was a professional relationship, it needed

to remain so.
Clearly, as time passed, I satisfied emotional needs of Robert. I
kept encouraging him to find his own partner, telling him that he
had much to offer. I had known him over four years when he finally
toldme how inexperienced sexually he was. We did verbal sessions

about dating and how to approach someone. I asked Robert how he
moved from friendship toward greater intimacy.
"Well, you know, you don't want to offend someone by being

intrusive."
"True. Maybe the women cool off to you because you remain
friendly and don't start expressing romantic interest. Could that be
it?"
"Hm...yes."
"Do you hold your date's hand in the movies? Do you kiss her
good night?"
Hesitantly, "No..."
"Do you hug?" (This is California, where hugging is pan-

demic. .and . I already know what a good hugger Robert is.)
"No."
"No? Why on earth not?"
"Well, you really don't want to offend, you know."
"But humans give signals that show whether they are open or
closed to touch, to hugging, to kissing. Do you know how to read
those signals?"
"I guess not."
"Well, how about me helping you to learn?"
Robert had no hesitation. I first showed him how to make a

neutral touching gesture and notice if the other person stayed
relaxed or tightened. If the message was of comfort, then Robert
could make a slightly more personal touch. He could let his touch
linger. He was nervous about trying, but I convinced him to risk the
approach. He reported back that it was getting easier.

Another long time passed when Robert finally told me, on the
phone, that he had only experienced sexual intercourse a few times.
Could I help him?
At we talked about my training as a sexual surro-
that point
gate. told him what we might do if he chose to see me for surrogacy

I
sessions. He was to think about it while did too. I
I was no longer in my relationship and was enjoying a period

of celibacy. I was learning a lot about my own sexual energy. While

I really liked Robert and wanted to help him, not to mention want-
ing some woman somewhere to have the pleasure of this
fortunate
man's company, I needed to think through my own situation. I
decided that I didn't want to break my celibacy for a work situation,
so I didn't push the subject with Robert.
A few months later Robert decided he would like to work this

through. I'd already guessed that his earlier experiences had been
with women who took the initiative. Robert was still held back by
not wanting to offend and make a woman angry.
I explained to Robert that he needed to pick up the signals from
his touches and keep going a step further. I told him he must initiate
with me and then I would give him strong signals of my interest.
Afterward we would go back over our path and I would point out
the signals he missed. This was to get to a kiss first, and eventually
to touch breasts, to unbutton a blouse, and so on. We were still a
long way from intercourse. Finally, Robert was at ease and enjoying
caressing and kissing and cunnilingus with me. He was passively
following me instead of initiating his own moves.
"Robert, everything you do, you do well. Its clear that I'm
enjoying myself. Time for you to take over. From now on, when you
come for an appointment, I'll use my usual format and you'll get a
wonderful massage— ^but nothing else unless you initiate. OK?"
"Uh-huh."
The next sessions began with kissing and then to massage. When
I refrained from making an opening gesture of embrace, even the
kissing stopped. Following each massage, we'd talk and I'd encour-
age Robert to initiate.
Once when Robert did initiate but did not pursue intercourse
and did not go farther with the intimate kissing, I decided I would
take us the rest of the way. I was ready to make an exception in my
cehbate pattern to assist Robert. Robert was shocked and pleased.
He didn't come right away. He would get close and then not be able
to let go. There was some powerjful inhibition in Robert, and I was
concerned that perhaps I needed to refer Robert for counseling to
work on deeper issues than shyness. Finally the pleasure washed
over and seized control from him.. .
"Wow!"
"Ummmmm."
"Wow!"
"Uh-huh. Wou;willdo."
Chuckle, and another deep chuckle... "Wow!"
Robert liked this sufficiently to overcome his shyness, and he
didn't hesitate to initiate after that.
He started making better contacts with women, sometimes
going out with someone from work, other times with a friend of a
friend. Robert is forty now and still single. But it's been more than
six months since I've seen him. He's seeing someone he's interested
in. It's possible that he will have his own rewarding relationship.
He'll be a real "catch."
It's not only single or divorced men looking for sex and inti-
macy who seek out professionals. Married men can be afraid of too
much intimacy with their wives.

Lewis sees me infrequently, about every four or five months.
He's only mildly sexually frustrated at home, more bored because

his wife wants sex in bed in the usual style, "no variations, please."
With me, Lewis shares his frustration about his job, which he
no longer He needs to work about another five years
finds exciting.
to have enough to retire. He also shares his dream of living and trav-
eling on his own boat.
He enjoys being quiet with his own thoughts and likes to putter
in the yard or fix problems in his house or work on his car. He's
frustrated in this because his wife nags him to hire someone to do
the work so that he will be in the house with her. He admits that his
wife would probably like to hear his thoughts, but he prefers not to
be intimate with her.
"Lewis, you clearly want intimacy or you wouldn't come and

share so much of yourself with me. You seem very much at ease
with me, even when you talk about your own confusion or short-
comings. Why not with your wife?"
"I don't have to live with you."
"What do you mean?"
"What if I say something and then it comes back to haunt me, is
used against me? I realize this is my problem and I'm sure my wife
would be happy for me to share more. She wants me to stay too
close to her though. I need time alone, puttering, to think."
For Lewis, sharing with me has not led to more sharing at home,
but he has rewritten his resume and is discreetly placing it. He doesn't
want to rock the boat at home. At least for now, he has also decided
not to push for variety and experimentation with his wife.

In addition to helping a client in self-reflection and articulation
of feelings, I want for him to integrate his experiences into his
ongoing life context. His session with me is not a brief interlude out
of life but a vital part o/life. My premise is that the natural integra-
tion of sexuality and spirituality has been ruptured by culture and
the socializing experience. I want them to see and feel that sexuality
is a constant and we don't take time out to "do" or "have" sex.
When our minds, bodies, and spirits are whole, we take time to eat,
sleep, exercise, socialize, engage in spiritual practice, and nurture
our sexuality.
A healthy sexuality does not equate with "genitality." It's more
than "genitality" andmay not even include genital activity. A walk
in a meadow, enjoying the sunshine, the flowers, a warm breeze, the
movement of our muscles, the encounter of our feet with earth, the
—
quieting of the mind this too is sexuality, sometimes thought of
as sensuality. Some may call this a spiritual experience. I wouldn't
quarrel with that. My point of \iew is that it is simultaneously sexual

and spiritual —because every minute of our lives is both.
I see healing needed if we are to live fully and enjoy both our
spiritual selves and our sexual selves. Religion and society have cre-
ated the dichotomy. There is no reason at all to be so dualistic about
it. Because our ver)' language is dualistic, it becomes altogether too
easy for the mind /body to be perceived as separate without even
considering the spiritual dimension. Holistic health means balance
and harmony of body and mind and spirit.
As a child, I certainly never dreamed of this work I am doing.

From the time I was small, I liked to help people feel good about
themselves. In my teens I felt quite drawn toward missionary
work. .and I was also coming awake sexually and liked kissing and
.
petting. Of course I struggled with the shoulds and shouldn'ts

this was in the '50s. Sex won out over spirituality at that time. I mar-
ried my first child at eighteen. By the time my second child
and had
was bom when I was twentv; was seriously questioning my reli-
I
gion. The woman I wanted for godmother to my daughter did not
believe in original sin. Neither did I, but the Episcopal priest did
and explained that baptism was for remission of that sin. I had
thought baptism was welcoming a newcomer into the family of
worshippers.
By my mid-twenties I had become a humanist and followed
this by getting a bachelor's degree in humanistic psychology. I wasn't
consciously aware of my spiritual life and didn't feel anything miss-
ing. In my mid-thirties I was surprised to find myself Uving in a
spiritual commune with folk who believed in God. I was willing to
study the book these people were reading and went to the library
frequently to refute what the book was asserting. To my astonish-
ment, 1 found that many great thinkers throughout history had been
believers. I had not previously thought religion to be a thinking
person's game.
Slowly I was changed. I finally knew God, not as a terrifying judge

but as a loving parent. For several years I both prayed to know God's
will for me and wondered how one could know that. Just deciding that
what I think is God's will would not do because there were too many
examples in history of terror and tragedy in the name of God.
I finally decided that when one is doing what one is on this
planet to do, the doors open. When the doors close, it's time to rec-
ognize I am on the wrong path.
My next step, growing out of my reflection on my past, was the
serendipitous encounter with an announcement inviting volunteers
to study human sexuality in a training program to become telephone
volunteers on an answering line. I knew this was it.
The semester-long training class included much self-examination

and verbal exchange with fellow trainees, preparing us to help the
callers to the information line. When I finally was volunteering

weekly, I found great satisfaction. The line's purpose was to pro-
vide accurate sexual information in a sex-positive manner. This

meant condoning only activity that was consensual. I made no
changes in my own sexual behavior during that year, but I listened
to others' reports of their explorations. Finally I took an introduc-

tory workshop that included touch but no overt sex.
I began dating —and playing. This was before AIDS and I knew,
and so did the people I played with, how to be responsible regard-
ing sexually transmitted diseases —using protection and making
prophylactic visits to the VD clinic every few months. This explora-
tion into my sexuality revealed more to me about myself than I
expected. I enjoyed this period of time. I was living alone for the
first time and dating a variety of men. I used to joke that I was forty-
two going on sixteen.
I was also pursuing a master's degree in a seminary and ex-
ploring another career direction. The field of sex therapy is where I
was feeling drawn.

I did some volunteer projects, including one on sex education

in a junior high school. After training as a sex surrogate, I spent
several months reflecting on the future. It became clear that I didn't
wânt to focus on specific physical sexual problems, as is often the
case for sex surrogates, but preferred to help people work through
their contradictory sex attitudes as I had done before the surrogate
training.
I had experienced many bodywork therapies to relieve my

ongoing back pain. Interested in the body-mind connection, even-
tually I added massage therapy to my training. And so over a
period of five years I changed from being a kindergarten teacher to
a woman with my own massage practice combining much of my

background and interests.
My work has evolved and so have I. When I began, I was not

very at ease with men. And truth to tell, I wasn't very trusting or
favorably disposed toward them either. But I felt strongly drawn to
my work. As I came to know so many men from so many different

backgrounds and walks of life, I came to appreciate the humanness
of men. I came to seehow emotionally and spiritually hungry
many men are and how much they are looking for kindness and
understanding.
I feel privileged to have been guided into the work I do. I'm
both broadened and deepened by my work in sexuality and mas-
sage. This work has also supported my worldly needs and has
added to my personal sense of confidence. Spiritually, I was
guided to a church that emphasizes personal prayer and medita-
tion. I became a lay minister in that church and received the con-
fidence of the minister in my work, such that she referred couples
to me.
I feel my
my friends, and my clients. People
graced by work,
who know me are accepting of my work, even when it raises ques-
tions for them. More recently, on a one-to-one basis, when I speak
with other health professionals about my work in sexuality, mas-

sage, and spirituality, I find understanding and approval.
My next step, I feel, is to share with a larger public what I have
learned.
Carol Queen
The Call Girl

Introduction to
Carol Queen
The chant went something like this:
Listen, listen, listen to my heart's song.

I will never forget you, I will never forsake you.
I will never forget you, I will never forsake you.

I will always be with you, I will always remember.

I will always be with you, I will always remember.
Our friends, lovers, and family members had died or were

dying from AIDS, and these were the words Carol Queen was
leading us in as we sang swaying side to side, holding hands in a
179
circle. This hymn adapted from the ancient Old Religion was a fit-
ting benediction to complete a cross-dressing role-playing session.
Some of us were men dressed as women, some women as men, some

were nude, some in leather, some in feathers. It was a weeklong
safe-sex intensive training for sex therapists, nurses, AIDS coun-
selors, and other professionals dedicated to sex-positive AIDS
education.
When I first met Carol, she had completed a year of graduate
school in sociology and had just switched to the field of sexology.

She was obviously bright and very articulate. Moreover, she was
willing to be forthright; she finds it empowering to be publicly out
of the closet about the whole of her sexual life —from heterosexual
to lesbian to bisexual, from a passionate love relationship with her
former high school teacher twice her senior, to her life in "The Life"
of whoredom, as she calls it.
Carol once described herself as a nerd turned call girl. When

she walked around naked wearing nothing but her black-framed
glasses on the set for an orgasm documentary in which we both
were being interviewed, she truly fit her self-applied label. Carol,
however, is far more than a free spirit, sexually active intellectual.
Through her increasing number of public speaking engagements

around the country and her numerous essays and erorica writings,
she is becoming a popular spokesperson for sexuality outside the
mainstream.
In a first impression, one might think Carol is sweet and perky,
a little bit of a modem-day, punkish Debbie Reynolds (the slightly
sexy, ail-American sweetheart in the '50s). Actually, when Carol is
championing not-so-politically-correct sexual views, language, and

lifestyles (such as in her recent book. Exhibitionism for the Shy), she
almost makes Bad Girl Madonna look like a Good Girl.
Yet, in all of Carol's outrageousness, I have never heard bit-
terness or resentment from her though there have been many

The Call Girl • 181
narrow-minded reactions to her choices that have made her a sexual,

pohtical, and religious outlaw. Were this only a couple of centuries
ago, she would have been burned at the stake for her beliefs and
behaviors as a queer, a whore, and a witch.
Carol is a follower of the Old Religion, which worships the God-
dess as well as male deities. Many of the adherents refer to the loose
network of closely knit groups as the Wiccan tradition. Before the
Christian Church of Rome and later some Protestants for over al-
most five centuries carried forth their ethnic cleansing atrocities,
murdering and burning at the stake perhaps up to nine million so-

called witches (both female and male), n\any Earth-centered, God-
dess-oriented religions flourished throughout Europe and the Middle
East. Now many of the Wiccan followers meet in secrecy, most never
revealing publicly their spiritual truths or identity. Here too Carol is
out of the closet, as she writes in the following chapter: "After seven
thousand years of oppression, I declare this the time to bring back
our temple."
She genuinely feels she is doing the Goddess's sacred work in
the world. She believes that prostitutes, whether they see themselves
as "sacred" prostitutes or as "secular" prostitutes, can and do make
a major contribution to humanity.
Carol is definitely making a contribution. Her actions and her
words are a voice singing the sacred song of the often maligned,
often overly romanticized world's oldest profession: listen, listen,

listen to my heart's song.
The Call Girl
by
Carol Queen
Christianity gave Eros poison to drink; he did not die of it, but degenerated
into a vice.
Nietzsche
My lover just bought a sex encyclopedia published in 1935, the

kind of volume that begins with a scholarly introduction and then
proceeds to define all sorts of sex-related words and phrases. Among
the definitions, some archaic and amusing and some quite up-to-
date, we found some interesting things. Under Prostitution, the
183
author wrote: "The history of prostitution is an exceedingly long

and checkered one, reaching back, in fact, beyond history itself, its
origin being lost in dimmest antiquity. It is not by any means, as

moralists sometimes imply, a phenomenon peculiar to our own
degenerate times; rather it is likely of lesser extent to-day than in
former times. We find it referred to in the Old Testament as an

extremely widespread and very ancient institution" (Adolph R
Niemoeller, American Encyclopedia of Sex, p. 215).
This entry was followed by another: "Prostitution, sacred, reli-
gious, or temple. A form of prostitution important in pagan antiquity

in which sexual pleasures and intercourse formed part of the cult of
certain gods and goddesses whose worship entailed sensual gratifi-
cation, the surrender of bodily chastity, and the like. This could take
many different forms: the priestesses of the temple could be prosti-
tutes and always available for ardent worshipers, the fees from the
commerce going into the temple's coffers; or the creed could require
(as Herodotus tells of the Babylonian law) that each woman go once
in her lifetime to sit before the temple. .and there remain until
. some
."
stranger chose her for coition, first throwing silver on her knees. .
(Niemoeller, p. 216).
My "ardent worshipers" and I have no temple today in which
to perform a dance that sometimes seems more profane than sacred.
In a culture that does not worship the Goddess, these are degener-
ate times indeed, but not because a once-holy act is still being
negotiated in hotel suites, in massage parlors, on city streets. In fact,
if prostitution is ever eradicated, it will be a signal that Christianity's
murder of Eros is complete, the Goddess's rule completely over-

turned. Perhaps most prostitutes today are unaware that their pro-
fession has a sacred history, and doubtless most clients would de-
fine what they do with us as something other than worship. But I
believe that an echo of the old relationship, when he was seeker and
she was Source, are still present when money changes hands today.
I tell my own story to explore the ancient resonance within
modem prostitution, and to encourage others to consider the pro-
fession in a way that departs from the stereotypes fed us by Holly-

wood movies, morals crusaders, and Miami Vice.
-W
I was called to the oldest calling five years ago, and it was quite
unexpected. I did not seek prostitution out, although I can remem-
ber fantasizing about being a prostitute when I was a very young
girl. Some of my earliest sexual reveries involved being paid to do
sexual things with a shadowy stranger of a man. But by the time my
adult sexual persona was taking shape, late in adolescence, I had
put those fantasies away. Influenced by feminism, I would probably
have said that women should have the right to do what they wished
with their bodies but that selling them was degrading.
It is a source of great wonder to me, having lived the knowl-
edge (or perhaps I should say a knowledge) of prostitution in my body,
that the intellectual resources of feminism, its powerful theory,
should shore up conservative Christianity's position on this ques-
tion. The two worldviews have in common a reluctance to listen to
the voices of women who do not experience sexwork as degrading.
I began to believe when I was quite young that Christianity was no
friend to an emerging, adventurous sexuality. Later I read some his-
tory which backed up my intuitive judgment. (There are millennia-
old reasons for Christianity's sex antipathy; I'll explore some below.)
My feminist-influenced beliefs about prostitution were shaken
when, as part of my graduate study in sexology, began to meet I
perfectly intelligent women who had much more complex things to

say about their lives as prostitutes than I would have expected. It
was only this that prepared me for an offer from a new friend when
I was in transition, at the end of a relationship.
"You've got to get your own apartment!" she said. (I was stay-
ing with friends while I pondered my next step.)

"I can't afford one yet/' I told her. I'd been going to school and
my savings were low.
"That's ridiculous! You can afford anything you want! Money's
not hard to get. You should do what J do!"
I was truly puzzled. I thought she was a counselor. That's what
it said on her card.
"No, silly! I'm a prostitute!"

Like the mature and well-spoken women who'd discussed their
lives as call girls in front of a college class, my friend Sally was not
your typical whore. I had no idea she spent her days having sex for
money in the sunny apartment where we were having coffee and

this conversation. At that point, I also had no idea that the "typical
whore" —that imaginary creature—does not exist.
Sally disabused me of some of my notions about what it must

be like to make a living having sex with strangers. It could be quite
a living, for one thing; $150 to $200 a session was the going rate for
women in her circle. I would not have to do anything I didn't want

to do with a client; I would be in full control, including setting my
own standards of safe-sex. If a client and I got along, he would likely

call me over and over— making even my idea that prostitution in-
volved having sex with "strangers" only partly true. Most women
she knew, Sally said, relied on these "regulars" for both financial
comfort and a sense of continuity. And she laughed at my questions
men who dropped such large sums for an hour
about the or so of
company—why did they need to visit whores?
"You won't believe some of the men," she said.
I decided to take Sally up on her offer to introduce me to a couple

of madams she knew and worked with. If they liked me, I could get
referrals from them, and they would start me out with clients they
knew well, so they could tell me what to expect with each one. True,
I knew I could use the money. But more than that, I was intrigued.
What better way to learn about prostitution than to try it? I resolved
that I would continue only if my first few forays felt comfortable,
and that I would only agree to see a client if I could feel connected to
him in some way, through arousal or a sense of fellowship.
I spoke to friends about my decision. My sexual journey had
already led me to spend a decade in the lesbian and gay community,
and I applied its politics of "coming out," disclosing my apart-from-
the-norm sexual identity as instinctively with prostitution as I did
as a lesbian or a bisexual. How else, if people don't come out, can a
person with no experience of a particular sexuality —especially given
the raging proliferation of stereotypes —come to understand why
others prefer or behave differently? (It is in this spirit, too, that I
write this essay —^because I have a store of information and a per-

spective that many others do not, and because, unlike many whores,
I do not my life in secret.)
live
Some of my friends were shocked and upset. Some gave me

support, however hesitant. I found I could not predict how a friend
would react to the news. One woman has not spoken to me since.
One, a phone-fantasy worker herself, went into a lather because I
would be having actual contact with my clients —to her, talk was
fine, but touch was unacceptable. One friend, a lesbian who'd never
had enjoyable sex with a man, was unconditional in her respect for
my decision. The most important disclosure — to my brand-new

lover —led to a conversation in which he revealed that he had had
sex for money a few times when he was younger.
My two madams could not have been more different. One,
Antoinette, was a mature woman with a family to support. The other,
Angelica, was younger than I and, aside from running a tight busi-
ness ship, was a party girl who seemed to have every well-to-do
man in the Bay Area in her Rolodex. The only thing the two seemed to
have in common, in fact, were their bulging phone books. Each took a
commission of 25 to 35 percent when she made a match between client
and prostitute. Both of them also still saw clients themselves.
Another quality I saw they shared after I had been working
with them for some time was this: Unlike some of the women who
worked for them, neither ever expressed contempt for their clients
or any sort of revulsion about the men's sexual desires. This surely
contributed to their success as madams, but more than that, I see it
as one trait of the sexual priestess who accepts all who come to her.
These women oversee what is left of the temples, the ruins that are
our legacy from a time when desire could be venerated by religion.

Some of our folk heroes in America are madams I am thinking —
madam turned mayor, and
especially of Sally Stanford, the Sausalito
some of the women of the Wild West, who could wield great influ-
ence at a time and a place when morality depended on a different
set of criteria than were enforced back East. Perhaps madams, with
what seems like unconditional acceptance, represent a sort of sexu-
alized motherly love. I find it ironic, given the way madams hear-
ken back to the times of the erotic priestesses, that they are pros-
ecuted much more harshly than ordinary prostitutes when they are
caught. In California the prostitute's first arrest is on a misdemeanor
charge, but the madam faces a felony conviction. Perhaps this is the
legacy of Judeo-Christian law with its emphasis on bringing down

those who possess Goddess-given power. It also serves to prevent
the temples of priestesses from forming again.

Antoinette sent me my first client. He was an older man, she
said, who lived alone. His sexual response was very dependent on
fantasy. I would have to be talkative.
A wealthy, urbane grandfather answered the door when I rang

the bell. I was nervous as a cat, but he assured me that must know
I
much more about sex than he did — I was studying it, after all, and
he had just stumbled through, his whole He had been a wid- life.
ower for years. But his wife was more present to him as we went to
his bedroom than the very much alive spouses of almost every sub-
sequent client I have had: he wanted to talk about her as we had sex.
He told me not to bother touching his cock; he hadn't gotten an
erection in years. "I'm just too old for that," he said. "I'm as limp as
that flag out there," and he gestured to a banner hanging outside,

still in the windless night air. But he masturbated vigorously, work-
ing his soft cock so rapidly his hand was a blur, and I held him while
he did, and we made up a story.
"My wife —you would have loved her. She was a luscious
woman. All curves. Her tits were this big." He held his hands out,
cantaloupe-sized breasts with his palms curved around them. "You
like that, don't you? She loved sex. We used to do it every day. If
you saw her in the market you would definitely notice her. What
would you do, if you saw a woman like that?"
"Oh, yes," I tried to catch the wave of his thoughts, "she's too
beautiful not to notice! I love women who are older than me. I'd
round the comer in the market near my house and see her — it would
make me catch my breath! But I don't know how to approach strang-
ers in public. I would hope that she noticed me too. I would look
over my shoulder every few minutes to see if she was still near me.
I would try to discover something about her by looking at the things
she bought."
"She is only there to look for someone like you. She had a pow-
erful appetite, my wife. She has noticed you and is following you
around the market. She is very bold, not shy like you are. She will
probably follow you home."
"I'm not expecting anyone —^when the doorbell rings, it startles
me! I look through the peephole, and there she is, that beautiful
woman from the market! My heart is pounding when I let her in.
What does she want?"

."
"She wants you! She wants to make love to you! Ohhhhh. .
The old man was so close to orgasm. He could not possibly need
me to have this fantasy —he probably put himself to sleep with it
every night. My role must be to witness this desire that lived years
after the desired one died, and to confirm it, to add a note of
unpredictability to his fantasy.

"She doesn't say a word to me —she just reaches out and pulls
me to her! She begins to kiss me and my head is spinning. She
takesmy hands and puts them on her breasts — know she must I
mean she wants me to squeeze them. My god, they're so big and

luscious..."
"Ohhhhh..."
"I don't know what's happening to me! It's like I'm possessed!
I am scrambling to get my hands under her shirt — I have to touch
those breasts! God, they're so full and soft. . .1 have to do this, I can't
help myself... she has such a powerful effect on me... I am sucking

her nipples now, oh, they're so big and sweet, I have to suck your
."
wife's lovely breast. .
"Ohh. . .oh. .oh.

. . .ohhhhh!" His body, still in my arms, shook as
he came. But as soon as his orgasm was over, he scurried in to the
bathroom to wash the ejaculate off his hands. I lay in his big bed,
looking at the pictures of his grandchildren on the bureau and think-

ing that nothing I thought I knew about men's sexuality had pre-
pared me for the experience I'd just had.
He came out wrapped in a big white robe that, as it turned out,
had two hundred-dollar bills tucked into the pocket. He slipped these
to me as he kissed my cheek and warned me to be safe getting home.
"You're a sweet girl," he said.
Working with sex in a field in which most of my clients are men

has meant to me above all that I could challenge my own stereo-
types about male sexuality. The old widower was not the only client
whose eroticism depended upon the realm of fantasy, nor was he
the only client I've had who did not touch my pussy. I thought that
as a prostitute I would professionally suck and fuck, but I have also
cross-dressed clients, masturbated in front of them so they could
watch me ejaculate in a musky little rainstorm, played with their
nipples and assholes, and dabbled in watersports^ and dominance
and submission. I have also had clients who insisted upon thinking
of me as their lover, whose connection with sex was incomplete with-
out a "real" relationship —even if it, too, was fantasy.
I was deeply affected by that first client, and in fact I felt very
privileged to be with someone who had discovered a way to so
uniquely mold sexual energy to his needs. Of course, not every sub-
sequent client had this capacity. Many saw sex the way I'd thought
most men did —a little sucking, a little fucking, a little breast fon-
dling along the way, and they seemed perfectly satisfied that they
had gotten their money's worth. I don't mean to imply that there is
anything wrong with meat-and-potatoes sex — I had a great time with

many of these clients —^but I especially liked working with the ones
whose sexual interests were more complicated. These were the men
whom many other prostitutes didn't understand, and sometimes
found unacceptably "kinky."
I came to believe that the men who were my clients —mostly
"yuppies and their dads," as I usually describe them —were paying
for sex not because they couldn't get it any other way, as I had
assumed before I met them. After all, most of them, I'd guess 90
percent or more, were married or partnered. Rather, the men,
mostly successful businessmen, paid for sex because it was more
Watersports refers to erotic play involving urine.

convenient to do so than to find partners any other way, and be-

cause extracurricular sex with prostitutes didn't carry as much risk
to their marriages as taking a mistress might. I also had the feeling
that most of the "kinky" clients had a different kind of sex with me
than they had at home. While the other guys were basically looking
for erotic variety, the fetishistic men were coming to me to get sexual
needs met that were secret, saved for these forays into the sexual
underworld that took the pressure off, that let them go back home
without having to try to involve their wives in sexual negotiations
for preferences the husbands were hesitant to admit.
I knew about the history of the sacred priestess /whores before

I began whoring, and I came to feel a very real resonance with this
archetype as I collected more diverse experiences with clients. In
antiquity the temple whores let worshippers experience, on a body

level, the compassionate, passionate Goddess; was that not what I
was doing, albeit in a context without overt spiritual meaning? But

it does have spiritual meaning to me. I have been involved in Wicca's
ritualistic Goddess worship for many years; it is the only Western
religion whose deity says, "All acts of love and pleasure are My
rituals." Wicca has some of its roots in more ancient Goddess-
worshipping religions which made sex a powerful sacrament. The
Christians have misnamed these as "fertility cults," gutting their
religious significance and altering their real meaning.
When a client comes to me, he brings need of a kind he often

cannot articulate. His need for acceptance and nurturance is inter-
mingled with erotic longing. At first I was surprised to open the

door men I had never met before and find that they were already
to
erect, but now I see this as a body understanding on the client's part
that his desire will be accepted and affirmed. He does not feel desire
for a particular person, but the sort of desire, I am certain, that
ardent worshippers brought to the temples, desire to connect, to

know eroticism as powerful and good. Today, unless he is a pagan
or a Tantrika, he probably does not have the language to acknowl-

edge his desire to go to the Goddess's arms, but something arche-
typal is happening in him nonetheless.
And something archetypal is certainly happening to me as I
invite him in. I wôrk in my home; it and my body are my temples.

The act of prostitution, no matter which specific sexual act I per-
form, has a ritualism about it: I dress, choosing clothes that convey a
sense of eroticism; I bathe when the man has gone, the money he
leaves behind proof that our relationship, and our relations, are of a
specialized kind. I know he will not stay for dinner, and he is not
my lover, though love—and not just physical love—passes between
me and my clients very routinely. If he is a stranger, I treat him as if
we have known each other always. The ways in which our interac-
tions are circumscribed —even by our use of condoms and other
forms of safe-sex —give them a particular intensity.
I need not have worried about whether I would feel arousal or

fellowship with my clients. have never turned a man away, though
I
I am sure I would if my intuition told me it was best. "Money is the

best aphrodisiac!" some whores profess, and there is something to
that, but for me the sexual energy comes as if unbidden because I
am in sexual and spiritual space.

I don't mean to make prostitution, even done with spiritual
meaning, sound effortless. We are doing the Goddess's work in a
culture that would still like to label it the Devil's, after all. It is not
legal; it is stigmatized. I had almost grown brave enough to write
my mother a letter telling her about my life in The Life (as the street
whores call it) when she died, making the conversation unneces-
sary but the absence of it particularly resonant. Sex was a nemesis in
her life
—probably the way it is for many of my clients' wives. She
had never found a way to make it enjoyable, much less sacred.
Everything in her life — except, I guess, my father —supported her

in this antipathy. I will always wonder whether anything about my
—
SO very different path might have illuminated her experience in a

new way. And I wonder too if our relationship would have survived
her probable horror at my choices.
Many of my clients have been scarred by a pervasive negative
view, so influenced by an unfriendly, conservative Christianity, of

sex and pleasure. Not every client comes to me joyful or even leaves
joyful. In fact, with many men, I see the curtain descend right after
orgasm, and their open emotions close, their countenances go blank.
Some are bitter about women, about sex. Their schizophrenic up-
bringing as men, after all, taught them that sex was wrong and that
they should be able to have all of it they wanted. They are engaged
in a hurtful dance with women that is powered by resentment and
prolonged by their (and their women's) inability to communicate
successfully about the forbidden and the intimate. I feel this hurt
and this bitterness and can do nothing but aim above it; only some-
times do I feel that I succeed. Other men are sure that their behavior
is wrong, and it takes all of the Goddess's love —and all my energy
to provide a safe place for unsullied desire to emerge.
know in my soul that it is cultural handicaps like these, worn

I
like wounds, that lead some men to violence against prostitutes. I
have lived The Life safely for many reasons: I do not live in my
body like a victim, I am educated and not lower class, and my cli-
ents come to me through someone else's referral, so they have been
screened. But I recognize sometimes the frustration about sex and
desire that would under other circumstances burst out fiercely.
At the other end of the continuum are the clients who accept
thennselves, and they are a pleasure to work with because with them
I can truly access the feeling that I am doing sacred work. Antoinette
called me another time to see a man with a fetish for pubescent girls.
"Dress young," she said, "very young." So I put on Mary Janes and
a cotton undershirt instead of a bra, tied my hair in a ponytail, and
went off to see what sort of adventure this would be.
was an innocent ten year old, to be seduced, of course, by an

I
older man. He was a gentle fellow in his fifties, and something about
the connection I had with him enabled me to stay in my little-girl
character until I had thoroughly lost my innocence. After orgasm,
when the power of fantasy fades, I asked him to tell me more about
his fetish.
"Oh, I have always desired young girls," he said. "For many years
I was sexually involved with them. But then about twenty years
ago I read an article that indicated that the little girls might not ex-
perience this in a healthy way, that it might upset them and affect
their adjustment when they got older. I had never considered that
my fun with the girls could have such an effect. So I stopped. Later
I discreetly offered money to as many of them as I could find, for
therapy, if they needed it. I never wanted to hurt them in any way. I
loved them.
"So now I live out this preference with women like you."
This is exactly the strategy that a progressive sex therapist would
recommend for a man with his "problem," though of course if he

lived in another culture his preferences might be accepted and
even honored by all, including the young girls he desires. He
had devised a way to keep his sexual focus intact against social odds.
My wide, "innocent" eyes as he showed me his cock allowed me to
dance with him on a tightrope of opprobrium, helped ensure that
he stayed healthy in his sexuality, and kept little girls emotionally
safe.
So many sexual possibilities are not taught or acknowledged in

this culture. Miraculously, some people's forbidden desires grow
and flower despite all attempts to stunt them. The wisdom of the
sadomasochism community — that virtually anything can be done
consensually and with a high degree of safety — silenced, except is
in that community's own little enclaves. We use sex and desire to

sell everything from odorless armpits to cars, yet treating sex as a
service commodity is forbidden, the service providers branded as

criminals. In fact, we barely treat sex as something to learn about, a
set of skills, a knowledge base. Attempts made to educate people,
especially young ones, about birth control and safe-sex are attacked.
There was a time when the priestesses in the temple performed
sexual initiations and sexual instruction. In the Tantric temples of
India, worshippers came to circle the priestess and priest, embodi-
ments of Shakti and Shiva, as they fucked —and this was holy! Chil-
dren brought to the temple to observe this understood as they grew
that sex could take them to a place of loss-of-self, unity-with-all.
Enlightenment.
Anthropology teaches us that each culture has its taboos, and
often if we study the social structures of a culture we understand
why its taboos developed. The temples in which the Goddess was
revered came under attack because the religion they represented
was under siege: the Bible means it very literally when it blasts "the
Whore of Babylon," but it does not teach that she was a sacred whore,
a priestess. Preceding earliest Judeo-Christian history, the Goddess
reigned for aeons. In her book When God Was a Woman, Merlin Stone
deconstructs the Bible's cautionary tale of Adam and Eve and
argues that every symbol in that chapter, from the Tree of Knowl-
edge to the serpent to the apple, was sacred to the Goddess: Genesis
is actually an allegory of the struggle between competing religious
faiths.
Is it any wonder, then, that the powerful sacred rite done in the
Goddess's name, and by extension sexuality itself, was deemed by

many early Christians dangerous? And is it any wonder that the
history of Western culture since then has included in all epochs a
war between Christianity and paganism, hedonism, sexual devia-
tion? The old temples' sacred practices, including prostitution,
transvestism, and sodomy (for males sometimes cross-dressed cind

took the role of priestesses, and men also offered themselves up in
the name of the Goddess), have become the new order's most hei-
nous sexual sins.
Eros did not die of poisoning, and will not —the most life
affirming of all hun\an drives carmot die. But every child made to
feel ashamed own impulses, every adult whose sexual prac-

of her
tices are still criminalized, every couple who can't talk about sex
and desire, everyone who is given the green light to hate those who
are sexually different from themselves, has been poisoned. They are
all the victims of that ancient religious war, which in the sexual arena
has never reached a state of truce.
'^
Most prostitutes today would tell you that they do it for the
money, but that is only part of the story. Many women would never
perform sex for money, impoverished or not. What differentiates
the ones who do? Perhaps, as the Religious Right and some femi-
nists proclaim, many women are prostitutes against their will; but
why focus on them without giving equal attention to those women

(and men, for men share the profession at all levels) who elect to do
sex as work? What do they have to teach? What will they say that
v/e are not supposed to hear?
Many will state that they feel good about their profession; they
enjoy providing others satisfaction; they like feeling in control of
their own work situation; they like the sex and the adventure; they
consider prostitution healing.
They are the heirs, whether aware of it or not, of the sacred
priestesses who opened their robes to strangers and revealed the
glowing body of the Goddess.
The Goddess movement today is a vital subculture, exploring
compassionate, feminist/humanist values that go against the grain

of our contemporary culture of glorified death. Yet most of the
attention given to the newly revived Goddess portrays her in ma-
ternal terms: Earth Mother, Mother Goddess. Only a few Goddess
scholars emphasize the powerful role that sexuality played in the
ancient Goddess's worship. One of Inanna's names was "She of the
Wondrous Vulva." Our culture has been made sensitive by Freud to

the place where maternal love and sexual love converge, and the
Goddess movement's challenge today is to reconcile the age-old,
Judeo-Christian dichotomy of the mother and the whore. Perhaps

only actual whores know how closely linked the needs for these
kinds of love can be.

One client came to me with me of a
an attitude that renninded
cocky, greedy little boy's. (Certainly one persona I recognize in many
clients is that little boy who says, "Gimme!") As he was dressing to
leave he began a ramble that seemed bizarre to me at the time but

makes sense in retrospect: "Hey, you know, you oughta have kids.
You'd make a really good mother. I mean it. How can you not want
to have children of your own?"
Another client, whose sexual persona was very submissive,
would whimper, "Mommy! Mommy!" just before he came.
Every whore has seen this aspect of desire: the need for Mommy,
for maternal caring, for unconditional love. Few adults have any-
thing that feels like this in their lives; we are not even, as mature
grown-ups, supposed to want it. Love is sexualized in this culture

partly, I think, because sex does lead into a sea of love, if we are for-
tunate enough to be open to it, but also because sex is the one arena
in which most adults get touched, stroked, held — all the things it
hurt somuch to give up as growing kids. Sex reminds us of love

even when we have no love in our lives.
I believe that sex is sacred and healing. This idea pervades my

work as a prostitute, and this vantage point often startles people
accustomed to negative ideas about sexworkers' lives. They press
me to delve into the negative side, and it often seems that what
they're really looking for is evidence that men who patronize pros-
titutes are contemptible. I don't believe this; I believe that every cli-
ent, every person, has the right to seek out sexual pleasure and com-
fort. I've been treated with a good deal more respect by 99 percent
of my clients than by the average guy on the street.
Besides prostitution's stigmatized status and the way our sex-
negative society makes it hard for both prostitutes and their clients
to be proud of themselves, however, I do believe there is something
wrong with the picture. The problem isn't with prostitution, though,
but with sexist social norms. Virtually all of the clients are men,
whether the prostitutes they patronize are male or female. The op-
tions for women who might like to arrange to see a prostitute are far
slimmer.
Surely there are many women who would (at least if social
standards were different) appreciate the touch of a sexual healer,

the chance to have a great fuck without the entanglements of a rela-
tionship, the option to try sexual things they've fantasized about,
erotic comfort when lonely, and the embrace of the Goddess. These
are all among the reasons men seek out sex professionals. Like men,
some women would seek out male sexworkers for access to these
experiences and some would choose females.

Any situation that is stereotyped by gender immediately arouses
my suspicion. Men are expected to be more sexual than women, so
the assertively sexual woman, whether she is seeking her own
sexual pleasure or using her body and her sexual prowess for her
livelihood, faces acute social disapproval. This is one of the hurdles

a woman in this culture must leap to become a sex professional, and
a chief source of the stigma she faces: as a woman, she is not sup-
posed to be highly sexual in the first place. Not only has she stepped
across the line of social acceptance to become a whore, she has thereby
proved herself a slut. Yet many women are highly sexual —some of
these gravitate to prostitution as a profession, but others must cre-
ate a strategy that lets them be both sexual and safe from the acute
social disapproval that is the whore's lot. When women's sexual
choices are restricted to madonna and whore, good girl and bad
girl, many women are forced to walk a narrow path to find "accept-
able" outlets for sexual desire and adventure. Still others are frustrated,
locked between their appetites and limited social/sexual options.

I am sure there is a class of women in this country wealthy and
powerful enough to call upon sexworkers for erotic attention. But
for the rest of us, in spite of the gains made by the women's move-
ment, calling a prostitute rarely seems like an option. Almost with-
out exception, the only women I know who have patronized prosti-
tutes have been sexworkers themselves.
was once called to see a married couple who lived in a wealthy
I
suburb. It was clear from the start that the woman was as much a
participant as the man, and at first I thought that I had been called
so that she could have a bisexual experience. She seemed completely

at ease and passionate. Only when we had been playing for some
time did she talk about experiences she had had, years before, as a
prostitute.
Male culture allows for the existence of prostitution evên when

it does not honor it. Having sex with a prostitute is a possibility for
virtually any man. Female culture allows the possibility of becoming

a prostitute, although this is an option "polite society" forbids; but
nowhere do we hear acknowledgment that access to sexual service
might improve some women's lives. As one result, women's sexual

possibilities are more closely involved with their relationships than
many men's; for the woman with no relationship or one that is sexu-
ally stunted, options are severely narrowed.
To guide another person to orgasm, to hold and caress, to pro-

vide companionship and initiation to new forms of sex, to embody
the Divine and en\brace the seeker —these are healing and holy acts.
Every prostitute can do these things, whether or not s/he under-

stands their spiritual potential. For us to see ourselves as sacred
whores, for our clients to acknowledge the many facets of desire
they bring to us, can be a powerful shift in consciousness. We show

the face of the Goddess in a culture that has tried for millennia to
break and denigrate Her, just as some today claim zue are broken
and denigrated. They are not correct, and the Goddess will not be
broken. In our collective extraordinary experience, we prostitutes
have healed even those who do not honor us. Were the attack on us
over, we could begin to heal the whole world.
After seven thousand years of oppression, I declare this the time
to bring back our temple.
I
t
Stephanie Rainbow
Lightning Elk
The FireWoman
Introduction to
Stephanie Rainbow
Lightning Elk
Stephanie walked up to me saying she had just had an orgasm.

Doing nothing sexual, she had simply been lying on a large, flat
boulder bridging a stream, connecting deeply with the energies

of the boulder.
We had been drawn to this boulder while exploring a canyon in
Utah, a canyon that probably had been ceremonial grounds for
Native Americans centuries ago. As we continued exploring, we dis-
covered several more "charged" boulders, all basically in a straight
line leading across a meadow toward the several-hundred-foot-high

waterfall coming off the massive sheer cliff on the western wall of
the canyon. Heavy, "energized" stones arranged in a purposeful
order have been found in Europe in such places as Stonehenge, but
205
little has been noted about such developments by indigenous peoples

of the American Southwest.
Stephanie is quiet, reflective, and very determined. At times she
may seem secretive or mysterious to those who are unfamiliar with
shamanism: orgasms while communing with a rock is an extremely
unlikely topic in any sex-ed class and nothing Masters and Johnson
probably ever questioned. Having orgasmic experiences while wor-
shipping "Nature" however is not uncommon for Stephanie —about
ten years ago she was drawn to the shamanic path.
Shaman, originally derived from a name used for certain heal-
ers in the Ural Mountains of Russia, is now a term applied to women

and men worldwide who have developed "extraordinary" abilities
to utilize energies of the plant, animal, mineral, human, and spirit
worlds. Such people often are members of indigenous cultures and

are usually healers and sages, sometimes using "teacher plants,"
crystals, and intense ceremonies to access powers not comprehended
by scientific paradignns.
Since indigenous people have been burned at the stake or have
had dogs set upon them because the indigenous spiritual beliefs did
not conform to a conquering group's theology, much shamanic
knowledge has been lost to the winds of time, especially anything
concerning sexual energy. Some teachings have survived by going

underground, becoming tightly guarded secrets by rigorously initi-
ated members of shamanic lineages.
Now some of these lineages, concerned about a possible plan-
etary destruction by unwise industrial and political actions, are be-
ginning to re-reveal teachings to the general culture by initiating

non-indigenous women and men who then become bicultural mes-
sengers —the teachings now following a consciousness line rather
than a bloodline. Being profoundly moved by these shamanic teach-

ings, Stephanie Rainbow Lightning Elk (her Medicine name) has
committed herself to a new role, one in some ways foreign and
The FireWoman • 207
in some ways familiar to her European- American upbringing.
Bom Martha Stephanie Wadell, Stephanie grew up in the pro-

vincial South during the '50s. A description she once wrote about
her father suggests why she did not become a typical "Southern
beUe."
Being Catholic was unusual in my small southern

town in north Florida. Panama City was dominated
by the Baptists. They had churches on every block. I
knew we were different. We were a minority. My

father was always proud of this. His parents had trav-
eled to America from Hungary, seeking the promise
of freedom and opportunity. He felt the same and
instilled a vision in me: to be different is to be spe-
cial, set apart, following our own rules. "Why do you
want to be like everyone else?" he would ask, his
large, sensuous mouth captivating my awareness. "One
day you might be president of the United States!" His
sky-blue eyes challenged me to think for myself; to be
different meant that I could be president of the United
States. I was able to fantasize about my future.
Her mother, who was of "strong Celtic descent," had an equally

important influence on Stephanie during her youth: "My mother
would share with me how powerful her sexual feelings were re-
garding my father. She described how he would kiss and breathe

into her mouth. Other sensual stories from her younger days ig-
nited my imagination and innocent sexual stirrings. It

and inflamed
was her sharing with me so freely that has gifted me with the free-
dom to seek and find a profound knowledge of passion. knew that I
she was passing on to me with her voice and her body the mysteries
of the universe."
Stephanie's Celtic ancestry, one of the traditions in the Old

Religion, taught her of the days when followers celebrated Nature
as the High Holy Mystery. During rituals, ecstasy was experienced
and enjoyed by participants who believed that just as heaven and
earth made love, so too could humans join their bodies, minds, spir-
its, and souls to the Great Mystery. Sexual, life-affirming energy was
considered the reservoir of creativity.
Now in the twentieth century, Stephanie has a master's degree

in counseling psychology from the University of San Francisco, as
well as certificates in hypnotherapy and massage. In her commit-
ment to being a messenger, she often travels to professional confer-
ences throughout North America to present papers on shamanistic

sexology, providing a voice for almost forgotten songs sung by an-
cestors centuries ago.
She is also very familiar with sex surrogacy, which on the

surface bares resemblance to her role as a Fire Woman, a teacher of
spiritual sexuality. Philosophically though, sex surrogacy and Fire
Medicine come from very different orientations. Sex surrogacy is
based on medical concepts of sexual dysfunction, all within a

pathology model. Fire Medicine views the physical, the energetic,
and the spiritual as an integrated whole; sexuality is at the center of
personal development and metamorphosis.

Stephanie has been deeply drawn to be a bicultural messenger
of a Native American Fire Medicine tradition. Though most main-
stream sexologists accept her as a colleague, she sometimes struggles
to find ways to present her concept of spiritual sexuality to a gen-
eral public that would often rather be ritillated than enlightened.
This has become her challenge. She has chosen a shamanic warrior's
path, and, as she writes: "A warrior never wages war on others. The
battle is always fought internally."
The FireWoman
by
Stephanie Rainbow Lightning Elk
All things are connected. Whatever befalls the earth, befalls the children of
the earth.
Chief Seattle
Medicine, as used by Native Americans, is that which connects

us to the Great Mystery, to the All-That-Is. When we use our Medi-
cine for healthy purposes, we awaken our personal powers and gain
knowledge.
209
Medicine can be the way one listens, the way one knows how
to help others in times of stress or trouble. Medicine can be a sense
of humor, an expertise in electronics, an awareness of subtle ener-
gies. It can be a way of teaching yoga, an aspect of parenting, the
ability to share openly and honestly. Medicine can be an artistic tal-
ent or a way of being a friend. Medicine can be a way of utilizing
sexual energy for healing purposes.

My Medicine was awakened and expanded with my studies of
Earth-centered spirituality and my introduction to Native Ameri-
can ways, especially through three metis (of mixed ancestry) Chero-
kee Medicine Men: Grandpa Robert, Keetowah, and Harley
SwiftDeer.
I had never seen a Cherokee like Grandpa Robert, a tall white-
haired man of immense presence. I could feel the sexual life-force
energy pulsating throughout his body whenever I was near him. He
lived to the age of ninety-eight years, fathering a son, one of many
children, just prior to passing on. The scent of the woods, giant red-
wood trees and mosses, exuded from his sturdy frame. Grandpa
Robert initiated me into the beginnings of shamanism. I had not
been consciously aware of tapping into other energies, although I
had experienced unusual events.
Whenever I spent time with Grandpa Robert, his carved ser-

pent staff accompanied him. I remember at a particular gathering
we were attending, the moon had revealed herself as a tiny crescent

in the brilliant sky. That twilight evening he turned his full attention
on me, although there were others in the smudge-filled room. (We

had burned cedar, sage, and lavender to cleanse the area, to bless
our time together, and to center ourselves.) His large, deerlike eyes
were of a color I could not recognize in the moment. "You take this
shaman's staff for a while, young lady," he quietly insisted. As my

small hands wrapped around the twisted stick, I was transported in
my mind to another place and another time.
In my mind's eye we were sitting around a campfire, drum-

ming and chanting in harmony. Ceremonies and rituals honoring
nature and the passage of time brought images of sweet childhood
expectations fulfilled. My eyes closed tightly. I wanted to feel with
all my body's instincts—to smell the sweat of my skin, to taste the
of
churning of saliva as the chant rolled out of my mouth, to hear the

sound of the fire crackling and the drums beating, to feel our heart-
beats as one, to see the glow of energy dancing around our bodies.
The power of Grandpa Robert's serpent staff had carried me
deeply into a memory of other times. I took another look at the natu-
rally twisted stick held between my hands, grasped between my
legs. Two serpent's bodies wrapped around each other making up
the length of the staff, signifying Snake Medicine, the most power-
ful of healing energies, the ability to shed the old and transform to
the new. I looked into the ruby eyes of the snake heads and won-
dered how he used this instrument.
My awareness shifted from my inner imaginings to the outer

world of the living room as others in the room began to get up and
leave. It was time for Grandpa to go. He winked at me as he reached
for his staff, and I laughed to myself as I imagined him making the
stick come alive.
The living room that we sat in was Keetowah's. Keetowah was

a small, wiry, birdlike man, also of Cherokee descent. He was known
throughout the San Francisco Bay Area as the Crystal Godfather and
was a master concerning the energies and healing properties of crys-
tals. Keetowah was in his seventies, although he counted his time
here according to seasons and not length of years. Grandpa Robert
said Keetowah was just a kid.
Keetowah taught me about the old Cherokee ways, though I
found it difficult to be around him because he chain-smoked Kool

King cigarettes and coughed spasmodically between drags. Due to
his smoking habit I learned how to deal with "environmental

tyrants." He taught me how to master my sense of smell and use my

vision in a way that would narrow my focus. By doing this I only
took in to my body what was necessary and determined by my

choice. At the time I did not realize that he was teaching me aspects
of shamanism. Little did I know that I would be asked to create a
sexual healing ceremony with this elder a few years later.
In 1984 I traveled to the Ojai Foundation, near Santa Barbara,

California, for a month-long event. Here, at this center which is a
gathering place for scholars, scientists, shamans, Buddhist monks,

counselors, and spiritual teachers, I attended a program titled " Awak-
erung the Dream: The Way of the Warrior." Joan Halifax, Harley
SwiftDeer, and R. D. Laing were the leaders of what was to become

a transformative event for me.
Meeting Harley SwiftDeer inspired me to commit myself to a
study of Native American spirituality, a path with heart. This fortu-

itous meeting would also lead me into a more complex and deeper
study of shamanism combined with spiritual sexuality teachings. I
wanted to learn all that I could from SwiftDeer when I heard him
say, "Wars will stop when women and men stop the wars between
themselves in the bedroom." The war between my male and female
self inside was raging; I wanted to reach a peaceful agreement within
myself and externally with my partners.
I left the conference a changed person, now committed to awak-
ening my own dream: knew I what I wanted to do, I knew what I
had to do.
I felt deeply drawn to seek out this coyote shaman I knew as
SwiftDeer. In Native American traditions the coyote is the trickster
who offers us ways to laugh at ourselves, especially when we think

it is important to be proper, special, or serious. Coyote shamanism
encourages us to be clear, strong, humorous, and fun loving as we
meet life-and-death challenges.
Months passed. I attempted to find SwiftDeer no matter where
I was working. On a journey to Hawaii I was successful late one

night. "It's midnight/' I thought, "surely, he'll answer his phone."
What would he tell me? "Quodoushka is what you're looking for,"
he suggested. "How do you spell that?" I asked. He could not tell
me, although he attempted in a frustrated manner. I recall thinking,
"How can he teach something he cannot spell?" Of course, I had a
typical linear. Western point of view; but that would change over
time with knowledge, practice, and ceremony.
Our conversation that night lead me to a Quodoushka work-
shop in Los Angeles. I knew this was where I would begin to con-
front my rifts between sexuality, sensuality, and spirituality.

SwiftDeer is of mixed heritage. His father is Irish, and his mother
is Cherokee. Acknowledged as a shaman and healer, he is on the
Council of Twisted Hairs, whose members seek knowledge from all
cultures. Known as "braids of truths," their teachings have usually

been passed on orally. SwiftDeer teaches the Sweet Medicine Sun
Dance path of "right relationship" (correct alignment) with all the
worlds: plant, mineral, animal, human, and spirit. As a master
storyteller, he weaves his personal experiences into the teachings.
Adding humor and compassion along the way, he has the capacity
to explore as deeply as one is willing to go.

SwiftDeer, under the guidance of his elders, chose to bring out
the Chuluaqui-Quodoushka (CHOO-la-kway Kwuh-DOE-shka) teach-
ings and ceremonies. These teachings challenge sexual repression,
offering sexual knowledge and freedom. At his discretion he began
to teach and train a select group of people to carry these once secret
and oral traditions to the public. I wanted to be one of those select
few to learn about Fire Medicine, the path of spiritual sexuality.
Sexuality teachings during rites of passage from childhood to

adulthood form the foundation of the Quodoushka way. In most
indigenous cultures, rites of passage include puberty rituals, vision
quests to seek knowledge and personal power, and purification

ceremonies such as sweat lodges that accompany the reentry of

the child into the culture as an adult. Western European culture is
lacking in ceremonies that honor the passage of time. Apparent as

low self-esteem, especially in the area of sexuality, our young people
do not experience receiving respect. Most of us have been shamed,
and guilt and fear diminish our ability to feel pleasure. We have
been taught that pleasure is to be avoided unless it is the reward
after long hours of work. Indeed, in some circumstances, sexual play
has become work. Somehow, we have acquired the distorted idea
thatwe must try harder to reach deeper, we must study and experi-
ence more until we have mastered transcendence.
Modem society has lost the mysteries that help frame impor-
tant life questions. Long ago, spiritual rites were part of the cultures
of ancient Greece, Africa, Egypt, and other parts of Europe. Pagans
(named by the Christians, referring to those who were not Christian
or Jewish) celebrated nature with rituals and ceremonies to mark
the seasonal changes. The sacred union of heaven and earth, the
essence of cosmic sexuality, was honored. Lacking these rituals and

rites of passage, our Western culture feels soulless. We have lost our
connection to the true reality: Nature.
During the Los Angeles workshop I was reunited with a natu-
ral view of the world. I learned the comprehensive system of the
Medicine Wheel, an ancient spiritual tool and concept found in most
indigenous cultures. Also known as a sacred hoop, circle, or mandala,
the Medicine Wheel teaches us to experience our lives via a non-
linear perspective, similar in concept to a holographic thought pro-
cess without beginning or end. We travel the circle, gaining new

perspectives from each vantage point as we continue to pass through
all the positions over and over again.
Learning and practicing aspects of sexuality from this perspec-

tive gave me a chance to understand myself in a profound way. When
I first heard the basic teaching of the Medicine Wheel, I knew that I
had found a home. we honor our emotions. In

In the South (water),
the West (earth), we honor our bodies. In the North (air), we honor
our minds. In the East (fire), we honor our spirits. And in the Center
(the v'oid), we honor our sexual catalyst-life-force energy. The Medi-
cine Wheel way of the Chuluaqui-Quodoushka teachings empow-

ers divine connection through the life-force energy that we call sexual.
knew that healing the rifts between spirituality and sexuality

I
would be a powerful political statement. With this integration I

how to be sexually responsible, confident, and empowered.
learned
Freedom to make my own choices was essential now, and I wanted
to educate others to this comprehensive system.
However, I had to take a break, and so I returned to my job
assisting a brilliant plant breeder doing research in the tomato and
We were trying to find a better, healthier way to grow
cotton fields.
food and clothing. With dirt under my fingernails, walked the land, I
communing with the soil, the water, the sun, and the plants. It felt
good to be in touch with the earth.
Still the teachings and ceremonies of the Sweet Medicine Sun

Dance path called to me. I would dream about rituals that I wanted
to participate in, and the Quodoushka teachings inspired my
thoughts and behaviors even in the tomato fields. Consequently,
for three years I attended a Quodoushka seminar every month
sometimes as participant, sometimes as facilitator, sometimes as staff
teacher
By 1986 I decided to apprentice to SwiftDeer I gave him Medi-
cine gifts of tobacco and a Medicine blanket along with my desire to
learn as much as possible. Within hme, after long hours of intense
ceremonies, I was initiated into the tradition of a FireWoman. Prac-
ticing as a FireWoman was to become the way that I could share this
Medicine Wheel knowledge with others.
Among some of the clans of the Cherokee, FireWomen and
FireMen were chosen by a Council of Grandmothers, women of
wisdom and knowledge. If there was an abuse of power, then one

answered to the Council of Grandmothers. Years of training for
FirePeople included Medicine Wheel teachings, rites of passage, tech-
niques utilizing breathing practices and energy vortices within and
surrounding the body, as well as knowledge of genital anatomy types
and sexual preferences. Sexual role-playing with the Lover's Mask
Medicine Wheel had to be mastered. (The term lover's mask symbol-
izes the personas or ways that we consciously or unconsciously
interact with our partner(s) to convey our sexual needs, wants, and
desires.)
The Firebreath Orgasm was taught and practiced as a way to
generate self-healing. This full-body orgasm that was produced

through breathing, visualization, and pelvic movements without any
genital stimulation offered a way to experience natural healing and
a state of bliss. Orgasm was and is understood as a powerful heal-
ing mechanism; types and levels of orgasm were studied and prac-
ticed. Rituals were encouraged as a way to achieve harmony. Initia-
tor and ir\itiate could experience transcendence.

Within this tradition, there is no hierarchy or power structure;
instead, there is an exchange of energies, a "dance of mirrors." We

learn that we are reflections of each other: where you are in your
desire to "grow up," I once was. Practitioners avoid ego gratifica-
tion. They sponsor "love" as they facilitate a natural flow of energy
through one's whole being. Here, the love is more of a spiritual na-
ture than the romantic kind fostered in the everyday modern world.
In the olden days a young person was givên a choice of work-
ing with a FirePerson who helped educate and awaken sexuality in
harmony with spirituality. In today's world, adult initiates come to
me for the same ceremony. Yesterday, Medicine gifts were exchanged;

today, money and sometimes Medicine gifts are exchanged. All
represent exchanges of energy. The FirePerson expends power
and energy to accomplish the Quodoushka ceremonies; gifts are
The FireWOman • 217
given to balance this exchange. This is not a concept of commerce;

this is a concept of renewal and energy balance.
My initiates are men and women (ages twenty to eighty) seek-
ing a way to heal from the sexual wounding of our culture. Each
initiate desires feeling comfortable and confident with his or her
sexuality. Today, my initiates are mostly males who bear the brunt
of the burden of distorted and repressed sexuality. Usually feeling
uncomfortable in their bodies, they are often at war with themselves.
Their social persona is overripe before their inner one has grown
up. In losing the contours of this persona, each yearns to be reunited
with their bodies and their intimacy. By finding the integrity of their
natural selves, they begin a reintegration of body and soul, mind
and spirit.
When an initiate arrives at my house, a place that is a museum

of handmade ceremonial objects and tools of sacred power that have
been gifted to me, he or she enters another world. This world assists
in their transformation. I have made my house into a space where

there is respect and honor for all that surrounds us. Each item, hold-
ing a sacred energy, is arranged in a way that honors natural and
alchemical laws of universal energy and harmony.
Here, in my warm, firelit house, is a place wherein they can
shed their old skins. "\ want to feel totally comfortable with my
sexuality," each petitions in various ways. Most have not experi-

enced much intimacy in their lives, either with themselves or with
another.
My initiates and I explore the causes of their sexual misconcep-

tions, traumas, shame, insecurities, ignorance, guilt, fears, needs,
wants, desires, dreams, relationships, and experiences. Quietly, gen-
tly, each finding ourself in the other, we touch and talk. With our
developing "love" we create the sacred in our relationship. We take
the time to develop trust. This is no different from a relationship
that happens by chance. We know there will be a beginning, a middle.

and an end to this story we create. The wheel continues to spin even
as we follow our paths.
First and foremost, I teach each initiate how to be present in his
or her body, how to become aware of the sexual energy that moves
through the body. I use breathing practices to activate conscious
awareness, focused attention, and the potential for expanded expe-
riences of ecstasy. A type of massage called body imprint removal
begins to recondition and reeducate the body and mind.
We are then ready to understand the energy vortices inside the
body, outside the body, as well as the body as a vortex unto itself. In
Tantra these vortices are known as chakras; in Quodoushka they are

called chuluas, of which there are ten centers that are activated.
As the initiate and I begin to merge our energy centers, we real-

ize that we are entering into a conscious awareness of where our
sexual feelings and sensations are flowing smoothly and where they
are not. We relearn how to play, with pleasure. Feelings of commu-
nion, trust, and personal power unfold.
In of all this, I am first a believer. I believe in a context that
allows us to sponsor love for one another, not as gods or goddesses,
not as role players in a romantic drama, but as humans who crumble
and fall, only to get up again to continue the quest for honorable
friendship and companionship.
Whenever I am with my initiates, I enter an altered state of con-
sciousness, enabling me to "read" the energy in their bodies. I deter-
mine where this energy is blocked in their bodies, and how it may
be released. None of this works unless our relationship is grounded
in trust. I engage in understanding the fires of their sexual thoughts,
feelings, and desires. I teach each to bring that fire within to full
flame.
Following the Quodoushka tradition brings a new awareness
of beauty and pleasure in the initiate. As we progress, my feelings
intensify, and I feel I am witnessing a rebirth. The initiate's self, hid-

den for so many years, emerges. I am privileged to be a part of this

metamorphosis.
When our time together is complete, as determined by the ini-
tiate, we review our work together. Each, in various ways, sums up
his or her experience. I am surprised at how often the same theme
emerges. Many of them say, "It was different — it was not what I
expected. I came for techniques, and I got those, but I received expe-
riences that helped me grow up." Many of them say they wished
they had received these teachings when they were younger, at the
age of puberty.
My initiates come from various walks of life, seeking these teach-

ings and ceremonies for various reasons.
The idea of growing into a lusty, powerful, and responsible
sexual persona captivated one young woman in her early forties. A
principal of a high school, she was overweight and felt somewhat
ashamed at achieving so much in lieu of maintaining a family life
for herself. She came to me to learn how to balance her life between
work, family, and pleasure. Of course, pleasure had been left out.
Carrying the extra weight on her body was preventing her from being
fully sexual and powerful at the same time. We explored how she
could best utilize her sexual energy to catalyze her becoming the
person she visioned, physically, emotionally, and spiritually.
Some come me seeking a way to activate their sexual energy

to
as a tool for healing. A practicing chiropractor consulted me for this
reason. He knew that if he could be consciously aware and in charge

of his sexual energy, he could transmit this as a healing force through
his hands. He did not want to sponsor this energy as a turn-on;

—
instead he wanted to be totally aware of his life-force energy as a
way to facilitate movement of energy for others.

One initiate came to me, drawn by the historical content of the
Quodoushka teachings. He was a tall, long-muscled, tanned, aqua-
eyed Navy SEAL.
Owing to cultural conditioning and the attendant lack of expe-
rience of eroticism, he held judgments about his body that were
founded on shame. Consequently, his sexuality manifested in un-
healthy ways. At twenty-six he had a history of relationships with

women who had been abused, physically or emotionally, and some-
times sexually. He wanted to learn more about healing energy for
himself and for others. In contrast to his training in Western medi-
cine, he wanted to understand dis-ease from a holistic perspective.
Navy SEAL, medic, and combat photographer

His training as a
had created limits in his ability to understand sexual energy when
used in the context of healing. He also wanted to enhance his sex
life in a personal way —
relaxed with open eyes. He wanted to learn
how to receive. He wanted to release his adventurous spirit in the
bedroom, not on the killing fields.
Lying on the bed, I taught him how to synchronize his breath-
ing rhythm with mine. We listened for the sounds of our heartbeats,
the sound of the drums, wild chanting in our heads. The smoke of
cedar, sage, and lavender cleansed the environment and the energy
fields around our bodies.
With eyes half closed, softly focused, we slowed down. Our sen-
sations came alive. I could see the pulsation of his erotic energy, like
an electric field of color around his body. I told him to feel it as a
color or sound coursing through his body, looping it, and circulat-
ing it. Sitting on top of him, my hands forming a healing symbol

over his heart, my tupuli and his tipili (the Quodoushka words for
male and female genitals) touched and merged energetically as one

physical intercourse was not necessary for this cosmic dance. Both
of us feeling the pull of strong sexual energy, our breathing syn-
chronized naturally.
Directing him to look into my eyes, I began to make strong
sounds of pleasure. My pelvis began rocking back and forth as I
contracted my vulva muscles to increase the sexual energy. Then

I instructed him to follow my breathing, listen to my sounds, and
match what I was doing. We entered an altered state of awareness,
acutely sensitive to each other's passion. My hands glided across
his body, directing his erotic energy all over him. I guided him to
send this energy to wherever he needed it to go, into his body, mind,
soul, or spirit, and on into his dreams and desires.
Our experience together created more questions for him. He

needed the goad of tough questions to enliven the quest for truthful
answers. This young surfer, scuba diver, writer, and craftsman of

the arrows he hunted with, wanted to increase his personal knowl-
edge. He needed to understand energy as life-giving whereas previ-
ously he had used this same erotic energy to kill.
Serving in El Salvador, he had killed, by his reckoning, fourteen

people. He had learned how to manipulate his sexual energy to pro-
tect himself, which meant killing others to survive. He was one of
the few men I knew willing to admit that over time the killing was a
turn-on for him. Power surged through his body whenever he pulled
the trigger. At times when he was successful with his mission, he
reported feeling invincible. It was a kind of erotic frenzy: bullets
whizzing all around,men falling as he aimed his machine gun, and
the beginnings of an erechon growing. He had been afraid to tell
this part of his experience to anyone previously.
His military time up, he had traveled to Alaska. He needed to
be in the wild, open space of nature at its best. Eagles graced his
vision as each day passed, and he began to forgive himself for his
military career.He wanted to come to terms with his deeds of kill-

ing. An Apache Medicine Man there took him on as an apprentice.
222 • Vi/omen of the Light
Together they did ceremony to put the past behind him. Guided by
the Apache Medicine Man, he was taught how to sing the death
songs for those fourteen people. He prayed and sent up smoke in
the pipe ceremony. Feeling as destroyed as his victims, he began to

put himself back together.
The pipe ceremony opens the door to other worlds and the Great
Mystery, to the powers of nature and beyond. A tradition with many
Native American groups, the pipe ceremony is one of the most pow-
erful ways of connecting with the Great Mystery. It is not a play-
thing; it is both sacred symbol and tool. It is used only during times
that require great introspection and clear purpose.
Here was a killer and a seeker, an American warrior as best he

knew how to be. But something was not right. He wanted to find his
way back to his heart and his innocence. Often times when he would
experience his sexual energy rising, he would have flashbacks to
the times of killing. We spent time in pipe ceremony dealing with
his flashbacks and creating a new memory for his body and mind.
As we practiced eye-to-eye energy-merging rituals, he was able
to create intimacy with me in a way that had been usually difficult
for him. With his sexual energy more clearly directed and more lov-
ingly expressed, his will was strengthened. His lack of properly

directed will had been noticeable in his potbellied, loose-skinned
stomach. As his will strengthened, his abdominal muscles became '
more toned. He was less subject to illness and the loss of vitality
from sluggish, blocked energy.

His inner life in balance with his outer life, flowing with primal
life force, he felt more confident. He began to find a way to be at »
peace with himself and his past. Playful, like an otter, he gained a j-
new spirit of adventure. He began to envision a new purpose for his t
life. He learned that, in this path of shamanism, a warrior never
wages war on others. The battle is always fought internally. ,

The Fire Woman • 223
'^
Originally, Fire Medicine was taught to young people as they
passed through puberty rituals. Later in life, if a person had an ill-
ness or life-threatening condition, then a Phoenix FirePerson could

facilitate the possibility of a return to good health.
Within the Chuluaqui-Quodoushka tradition, the Phoenix

FirePerson is an initiate in the advanced practices of spiritual sexu-
ality. This Medicine Person is required to demonstrate an advanced

level of sexual healing. Opportunities for the Phoenix FirePerson
came unexpectedly as tribal members required assistance. When
someone showed up with a life-threatening problem. Fire Medicine
was utilized to catalyze self-healing, effect remission, or restore
health. For the one who sought these healing energies, the intent
was to extend life for as long as necessar\^ to complete a commit-
ment to a purpose. The sexual healing ceremony done with Keetowah
years later gave me the opportunity to test my abilities before I could
be called a Phoenix.
The Phoenix practices brought me into a greater appreciation
for ritual and ceremony. I was reminded of my early days when

being raised as Catholic had revealed the mysteries of spirituality. I
was aware of unusual energy experiences within the sanctity of the
church. A place of candlelight and stained glass, where the Holy

Mother held a special place, and saints from old watched over the
sacred objects of long ago, I recall feeling as if I was splendid also.
Lights and colors danced amid the incense haze, forming halos and
crovvTis, affirming the presence of divine energy. Certain items were
considered sacred, not to be touched by a thin-as-a-stick, tow-haired
child. I wanted to touch them all, but the priests held the power
over the special objects.
In the shamanism path I have chosen I can now participate in
not only working with sacred objects but also in creating them.
Through creating my own Medicine shields, leather tobacco bags,
crystal healing wands, and other special tools, I hold the power to
use them. Now chanting, drumming, and the burning of smudge
to cleanse and create a ceremonial place take me to the same special
place where once the High Mass and cherubic altar boys swinging
the censer did.
Now the sweat lodge rituals have taught me how to pray in a
new way, how to honor my body as sacred, and how to walk lightly
on the Earth. Vision quests and ceremonies that place me in nature
for days at a time have given me clarity to understand my purpose.
Going without food and water for three days while dancing back
and forth to the "tree of life" in the Dreamer's Sun Dance have taught
me compassion and have given me the courage and stamina to
continue being different. Now shamanism resides at the core of my

being.
When I am a guide, showing a path of spirit, I am a Fire Woman.
My sensuality is a deep river. By claiming this wild, lusty river of
my self, my life's reasons for being. am strong and vulnerable

I feel I
at the same time. All of nature lives in me. I am earth spirit, water
spirit, air spirit, fire spirit.
I dance full circle around the Medicine Wheel with grace and
joy.
For all my relations,

Kathryn
The Nurse
I
I
Introduction to
Kathryn
Kathryn is her pseudonym —witch-hunts are still a reality. She

is a nurse, has a graduate degree in human sexuality, and currently
teaches at a major American university. Revealing her name could
result in termination of her medical career.
I first met Kathryn when she attended my sensate therapy train-

ing program while she was working on her graduate degree in hu-
man sexuality. This hands-on training program for sex therapists
and educators presented a wide range of sensate focus techniques,
such as relaxation exercises, sensual bathing, sensual feeding, gentle

massage, and other mind-and-body nurturing methods, similar to
the Secret Garden Ceremony and what is taught in sex surrogate
courses. Since these students were to become or already were
practicing sexologists, I included genital massage, oral lovemaking
techniques, pelvic bathing, as well as G-spot, prostate, and anal
227
massage. The basic guideline always was: if it is pleasurable for the

recipient, you are doing it correctly. Unfortunately, such an approach
is often antithetical to mainstream medical training, where clinical
and ethical sometimes actually mean painful and impersonal, at least
in practice if not in theory.

Any therapeutic process resulting in a pleasurable sexual expe-
rience — for either "the client" or "the therapist" —especially if geni-
tal or anal touching is included, could easily provoke a flurry of
castigations: sexual abuse, sexual harassment, molestation, prosti-
tution. A practitioner of the healing arts risks the loss of licensure
and a career. Should the recipient later reinterpret a positive occur-
rence as negative, litigation looms as a possibility. So when Kathryn,

me in the hospital where I lay paralyzed from a broken neck,
visiting
told me about her experience with Jonnie, a quadriplegic who had
spent his entire adult life of over thirty years on a hospital ward, I
felt it essential his story be included here. His life seemed very rel-
evant to my own and anyone else's caught up in the sometimes de-

humanizing system of medical care.
With Jonnie, Kathryn went far beyond the call of duty, focusing
on pleasure, being clinical without being painful and impersonal.
Stepping outside pseudo-ethical mandates, she embraced the sexual
and nurtured the spiritual with Jonnie and became a healer in the
truest sense. Her sincerity and her willingness to risk was compas-
sionate and honorable, a model for what a healing professional can
be.
The Nurse
by
Kathryn
When I met Jonnie, my new patient, the first thing I noticed

was his warm, radiant smile. He had short black curly hair and an
an\putated leg. His body was paralyzed with no movement and sen-
sation from his shoulders to his toes.
From the age of eighteen, when he was suddenly paralyzed from

an automobile accident, Jonnie had lived in institutions for a total of
thirty years. Nurses, doctors, and physical therapists made up his
social life during his late teens, early, and middle adult years. All
229
of his family members had died, and he no longer had outside

visitors.
I became Jonnie's primary nurse, which meant I was assigned

tohim on a regular basis. We felt at ease with each other instantly.
He was a quadriplegic; thus it was my job to assist him in almost all
of his bodily functions: to move, bathe, dress, undress, eat, urinate,
and defecate.
Since Jonnie never left the hospital, the outside world came to
him through his caregivers. Jonnie's social and sexual development

had come to an abrupt halt with his accident. So when I told him
that I was also a graduate student in sexology, a wide range of ques-
tions poured forth. "How do people feel when they are in love?"
"What do they say to each other when they are in love or sexually
"How does the body feel when in love and
attracted to each other?"
sexually aroused?" "What can my body feel?" "How can I have more
physical sensations and sexual feelings?" I answered what I knew
and was honest with what I didn't know.
Jonnie's greatest desire was to experience sensation in his mostly
paralyzed, numb body, something to give him feedback that he was
physically alive. His motivation was very strong when he asked for
my assistance. There was a potential problem however. If I helped

him, I could lose my job were the explorations perceived by hospi-
tal administrators or coworkers as being in any way sexual.
Never having attempted this type of education /therapy before
and because each person's potential is different, I really did not know
what his body could experience. Drawing on my backgrounds in
sexology and in meditation, I felt two approaches might be best.
The first, known as sensate focus, would be simply to focus, to con-
centrate, to be aware of the physical sensations of taste, touch, smell,

sound, and sight occurring during an activity. The second method
was to be open to an attitude, a feeling of unconditional love. I ex-
plained that awakening the love that has no conditions, boundaries.

The Nurse • 231
or limits is a love that is available to all human beings. Jonnie began

focusing on unconditional loving thoughts centered in his heart area.
I invited him to visualize white light saturated with love filling
every cell of his body and continuing to radiate beyond his skin
surface.
We decided to focus fully on the activities already being experi-

enced in his daily life. Eating became a new experience as his atten-
tion was drawn to the food during mealtime. There was the sight of
ripe, red, juicy, sweet strawberries topped with whipped cream, and
the sharp smell of pickles. There was the sweetness of chocolate frost-
ing swirling over his tongue, and the crunch of fresh, firm carrot
sticks. The key was to appreciate the aliveness of the senses.
After food is processed by the body, the remains have to be ex-

pelled, and quadriplegics do not have the ability to activate the peri-
staltic wave of the intestines on their own. In order to produce a
bowel movement, a caregiver must stimulate the nerves in the anus
with an inserted finger, a process termed digital stimulation. Hospi-
tal protocol calls for a minimum of five minutes or whatever time it
takes to empty the bowel of its contents. From my experience, five
minutes never had much effect on my patients in regards to stimu-
lating the undulant wave; it always required a good twenty to thirty

minutes. An effective bowel movement is absolutely crucial to a
spinal cord injured person because a full bowel could cause a condi-
tion called dysreflexia. This comes on suddenly from irritations such
as a full bladder, full bowel, or skin pain. If dysreflexia is not re-
lieved quickly, high blood pressure can cause further disabilihes from
a stroke. Death can also be a consequence. Every quadriplegic quickly
learns that a good emptying of the bowel is paramount to staying
alive, while a poor emptying can be life threatening.

With a positive attitude toward our body, particularly the anus
and prostate gland, our brain will usually interpret stimulation from
this area as pleasurable. When receiving digital stimulation, most
people recovering from a spinal cord injury are not encouraged to

focus on any sensation. For the purpose of our exploration, I en-
couraged Jonnie to focus on any and all sensations during the bowel
program. I sometimes played soothing music to help create a sense
of calnnness and to help the oftentimes spasmodic muscles to relax.
Since early childhood, most of us have been taught that eliminating

feces should be done as quickly as possible, as unconsciously as
possible, and with a feeling of disgust. When children are taught
attitudes of fear, avoidance, and disdain in connection with learn-
ing bowel control, emotional scars are left in the psyche, which poi-
sons their feelings for their bodies and affects sexual and general
health. Some spiritual work is definitely needed in changing these
attitudes.
I stressed the sacredness of every cell in Jonnie's body, which

included the cells that were no longer needed and must be released
to keep the body healthy and alive. I also stressed the sacredness of
all sensations wherever the sensations existed. We were on a jour-
ney exploring where undiscovered sensations might exist, and we

hoped to find pleasurable physical feelings along the way.
After thirty years of being unconscious of his sensations in his

anus and prostate, Jonnie discovered that he not only had physical
sensations, but that they were indeed pleasurable. He was delighted,
after such a long time of living in his body with so few sensations, to
find a treasure hidden in his depths. In order to amplify the sen-

sations, I suggested that he focus his attention on his breath in addi-
tion to the other physical sensations. As Jonnie drew in a deep breath
on the inhalation, fully inflating his upper lobes of his lungs, and
then relaxing with the exhalation, the intensity of the sensation be-
gan to build. His entire body began to sense a different awareness.
Even though he did not have a name for it, he was becoming aware
of his ability to build his own life force. The deeper he breathed, the
more extensive were his sensations. Jonnie's daily bowel program
The Nurse • 233
of digital stimulation became his meditation time — a time when he

was unfolding the mysteries of becoming more alive.
'^
The shower room was about the only place a patient could find
any privacy. Jonnie loved long showers. Even though he couldn't

feel from his nipples down any sensations from touch, he enjoyed
my playfulness as I sprayed water over his skin from head to toe,
soaped and scrubbed his body, and briskly dried him off with a towel.
The shower was the place where he felt safe in breathing more deeply,
allowing his breath to carry a sound. I encouraged him to focus on
any and all sensations. While receiving a shampoo, Jonnie loved
having his head vigorously massaged and scratched. He felt new
tingly sensations in the skin covering his ears, face, neck, and shoul-
ders. Some bath times were filled with laughter and play, while oth-
ers were quiet and serene.
One day in the shower room, I suggested to Jonnie that he move

his shoulders in such a way that his arms could stimulate his chest
and nipple area. At my suggestion, he closed his eyes to decrease
the visual stimulation and to allow more attention for his sense of
touch. He soon entered into a very deep, quiet space as he focused

on his breath, sensahons, and love feelings. As I massaged his entire
body with soap and water, I spoke softly to him, telling him how
powerful every breath carrying the energy of love was in awaken-
ing his body. I whispered how relaxed and gentle his face looked, as
he opened his heart to a deeper appreciation of his body, exactly the
way it was in that moment of time. Inhaling and exhaling in unison
with Jonnie's, I focused my attention on activating and intensifying
my heart energy of unconditional love.
—
As the energy streamed out my fingertips, I could feel tingles
and warmth in my arms and hands. His breathing quickened in pace

as I washed his soft penis. When I rinsed his pelvic floor and anal
area with the water nozzle, I noticed rapid eye movement under his
closed eyelids. Jonnie was experiencing something very new and
different. The rapid eye movement lasted for about a minute, then a
peaceful stillness enveloped the whole room.
When Jonnie's eyes opened, he immediately asked, "What
happened?"
I He recalled that he was drifting
asked him the same question.
in space, breathing, and melting into a sea of love. He felt connected
to everything in the universe. Suddenly, wavelike pulsations had

streamed down his entire body, down both legs, and out his toes
electrical impulses vibrating from both his physical and "phantom"

leg. His "energy body," which interpenetrates and surrounds the
physical body, was obviously intact and included both legs.
With a broad smile I said, "I believe you just had an orgasm."
Jonnie's unexpected and yet very welcome orgasm opened up
all kinds of questions. First of all, he wanted to know how he could
have an orgasm without an erection or ejaculation. I told him that
there are numerous types of orgasms. An ejaculatory orgasm is just

one type. I explained that he apparently had a type of orgasm called
by various writers an energetic, metasexual, total body, or cos-
mic orgasm. Whatever the name, I was sure that he had experienced
an orgasm. Love, breath, and movement had unleashed his orgas-
mic energy.
This wondrous gift of life needed to be kept a secret from ev-
eryone. Sadly, Jonnie did not have any friends to share this momen-
tous event, and he knew that to tell any of the hospital staff could
lead to repercussions. Jonnie hoped, however, that maybe he could
somehow have another experience similar to this one. That dream
would never be realized.
The Nurse • 235
Soon after his orgasmic experience, Jonnie learned that he had

developed an untreatable cancer. The outcome was clear; his physi-
cal body would soon stop functioning and death would come. We
talked about the meaning of life and death, how some people expe-
rienced those last few days and hours before the last breath.
One night one of the nurses called me at home to infonn me

that Jonnie appeared to be in his final hours. I immediately went in
to be with him. When I entered the room, the first thing I noticed
was his big, wide open, terrified eyes. His breathing was labored,
like a person going through a frightening experience. He was con-
scious and aware of my presence, but not conversant other than with
a yes or no. I could see and feel how frightened he was, in a room all
by himself —dying.
I told him that I would stay with him and would not leave until
he had finally let go of his body. I gently stroked his head, face, neck,
and shoulders and began softly speaking into his ears. I knew that
the sense of hearing was one of the last to function, so I kept talking.
I talked about his life force not needing this physical body anymore.
The hours ticked by in the darkness and quietness of the night. His
eyes were closed and his breathing became peaceful and rhythmic. I
reassured him that he could let go and merge with all in the uni-
verse, just like he did the day he had his orgasm. I reminded him of
that life-force energy that had streamed through his body — that life
energy that sometimes has form and sometimes does not.
Jonnie and I had talked about white light before, visualizing it
entering and flooding his body. Now it was time for him to merge
with the white light in a way he had never done before. I reassured
him that his spirit, his body, his mind, his total being was uncondi-
tional love. I stayed with him throughout the night, supporting his
consciousness in being as comfortable as possible as it separated

from the physical form it had inhabited for over fifty years. His
one orgasmic experience had come to him as what seemed to be a
preparation for the biggest letting go that we as humans get to

experience.
His breaths became more shallow and fewer in number; a look
of deep relaxation and serenity appeared upon his face. I encour-
aged him members who had passed out of their
to invite family
physical bodies years before to assist him in his transition and wel-
come his spirit.
Jonnie's body became totally motionless, quiet, and serene. There

was not another breath, as the soft light of dawn began to penetrate
the black veil of night.
women of the night
Women of the Light
L
Conclusion:
From
Sexual Stereotype
TO Archetype
by
Her eyes connect with mine, actually gazing past

mine into my soul, perhaps even into the soul of the
universe. Her face, far from expressionless, conveys
237
she is transcendent even while her sensual, sexual

essence flows freely as a river within her. Though I
see only her head, throat, and shoulders, I know she

is grounded in her pelvis and thighs, her feet planted
firmly on the Earth; I sense she walks in grace and
beauty. Her headdress suggests she is devoted to her
sacred path; the halo indicates she is energetically
evolved beyond ordinary human capabilities. Her

palm and fingers of one hand held up facing me in
symbolic gesture say, "Be at peace." And the egg

encompassed by her fingers —she does not hold it,
she reveals it, for she is the messenger. The egg is
enlightened birth and life, knowledge and wisdom.

They are available to me, to all who wish to receive,
but I must choose to extend my open hand and open
heart to receive the gift.
In my more contemplative moments I know

she is more than a she — I know that she is me, her
appearance being of a form that my mind might
interpret, might begin to find recognizable meaning
as I in deep desire seek to once again be in at-one-
ment with Source.
This is what I envision when I look into the painting of Mary

Magdalene, Christendom's ultimate sacred prostitute, on the cover
of this book.^
Whether Mary Magdalene was a repentant whore turned nun.
^ This painting by Richard Stodart is based on a black-and-white image

appearing on a picture postcard given by a nun to Nancy Qualls-Corbett,
Ph.D., when she visited the Cathedral of Mary Magdalene in Jerusalem
doing research on her groundbreaking book The Sacred Prostitute.
L
Conclusion • 239
or a sanctified saintly courtesan, or Jesus's favorite or only lover, or

Jesus's closest disciple, or a combination of these we will never know.
Fact has become legend, in fact, many legends; and now we tell
the legends because this she is an archetype, the sacred prostitute
archetype.
Modem psychology applies the adjective archetypal when some
"thing" in the world comes to symbolize something far more pro-
found than the historical fact. A person such as Mary Magdalene,
an event such as a war of liberation, a sound such as the Eastern
chant "Om," a visual form such as a circle —these "external" sym-

bols resonate deep within our psyche, our unconsciousness, our soul.
They pull on our attention, we are drawn to them... and we often
don't really know why. They resonate within us because they mir-
ror back to us some meaningful aspect of our innate self.
The women of the light in this book are contemporary human

beings serving a significant sexual function in our culture: we see
them waking in grace and beauty on a sacred sexual path. Follow-
ing Jungian analyst Nancy Qualls-Corbett's perspective that the
sacred prostitute is the physical embodiment of the archetypal god-
dess of love, I have suggested throughout this book that we view
these women of the light and their functions through the lenses
of an archetype; otherwise, most of us would have only a stereo-
type to contemplate sexual service compensated with money.

The common stereotype of the modern prostitute is that the
practitioner is female, the client is male. The prostitute is often a

drug addict and always a victim: oppressive economic conditions
or oppressive men have forced her against her will into this oc-
cupation, and she finds the sexual service neither meaningful
nor pleasurable.
Doubtless throughout history there have been and still are many
individuals who fit this stereotype. The women of the light in this
book clearly do not. All of them are of service to both genders (and
there are men of the light who do likewise). To call these visionaries
victims would be erroneous; they are unusually self-reliant and psy-
chologically independent; they have made conscious choices, often
responding to a calling from their innermost voice. Nor does drug
addict apply. One might even argue whether prostitute is applicable
to most of the women of the light here. Several of them neither iden-
tify with nor embrace the label, sacred or otherwise. Nonetheless, in
most localities, should the legal system decide to arrest and pros-
ecute, some form of prostitution would likely be the charge.
Some scholars distinguish between a secular prostitute and a
sacred prostitute. Historically and prehistorically, at least in some

European and Middle Eastern areas, there is considerable evidence
that there were sacred female and male prostitutes providing sexual
services sanctioned and sponsored within religious contexts (see
references in Appendix A). When someone provided sexual ser-

vices outside any religious sponsorship, they were called secular
prostitutes.
In the modem Jewish, Christian, and Muslim world, many forms

of sexual expression are forbidden or severely restricted religiously,
legally, socially, with prostitution often being formally and violently

oppressed (Mary Magdalene was about to be stoned when Jesus
intervened). Except for a few safe havens in secret societies and
unscrutinized indigenous cultures, today it is technically impossible
to be a sacred prostitute, though one can in the modem world be of

service sexually in a sacred way.
Whether sexual service is sacred or secular, however, is not
really the question. This debate overlooks a basic premise of our
religious, legal, and social culture: sex is innately sinful; and its cor-
ollary: the spirit is superior to the flesh.
As long as we hold these tenets —and most of us subconsciously

do in some fashion —we can only begin to comprehend the profound
contribution of women and men of the light to modem society.

Conclusion • 241
A sexual-spiritual teacher/healer/initiator/catalyst knows

sexuality as far more than technique and frictional stimulation. Sex
is more than a coital position and the number of orgasms and "last-
ing longer" and gay, lesbian, bi, or straight. Sex is a dance of energy,
a communion with ourselves, others, and Source. Sex is more than
monogamy or open relationships or celibacy or virginity, for these
simply are forms our sexual essence might take throughout a life-
time. Basically for these visionaries, we cannot not be sexual and we

cannot not be spiritual —^both are innately omnipresent within each
of us.
Embracing way of being in the world would greatly liber-

this
ate our lives... the way we touch and communicate and experience
pleasure and make love and sing our holy songs.

Sexuality and spirituality are far from antithetical; they are, in
essence. One. This is the teaching, the wisdom, of the archetypal
Mary Magdalene and women and men of the light. We must re-
member, though, they are only the messengers bearing a gift: the
illuminated egg.
The choice to receive is ours. . .we have only to extend our open
hand and open heart.
Appendix A
Resources
FOR Becoming
A Wo/Man of the Light
by
Women of the Light, the book, is written more to raise questions
than to provide answers, for each person's reintegration of the sexual

and the spiritual is a uniquely individual process.
243
To understand more or to become more like these women of

the light, here are a few possible directions.
Numerous books and some videos can be very beneficial. The
conceptual framework in Women of the Light relies extensively on
Nancy Qualls-Corbett's The Sacred Prostitute and Merlin Stone's When
God Was a Woman. Both are very highly recommended.
While much of the recent Goddess literature touches only lightly
on the sacred prostitute, many of these books provide insightful
information. Barbara G. Walker's Woman's Encyclopedia of Myths and
Secrets is an essential resource. The Once and Future Goddess by Elinor
W. Gadon is a clear and thoughtful presentation. Readers familiar
with Jungian psychology may find Erich Neumann's The Great

Mother a useful abstract analysis.
For a non-patriarchal perspective of Mary Magdalene, see Bar-
bara G. Walker's Woman's Encyclopedia of Myths and Secrets, Nancy
Qualls-Corbett's The Sacred Prostitute, and Elaine Pagels's The Gnos-
tic Gospels.
Western sexology basically views sexuality as physical expres-

sion. For most women and men of the light as well as Tantric and
shamanic followers, sexuality is mainly an energetic connection and
flow. Alex Grey's visionary art in his Sacred Mirrors communicates
this far better than most writings. Look here first if sex-as-energy is
a foreign concept. My own Sacred Orgasms examines the energetic
orgasm as a mystical experience. For a very valuable though ex-

tremely academic work on Chinese Taoist sexology (a tradition
not discussed in Women of the Light), consult Douglas Wile's Art of

the Bedchamber.
To explore sexuality in the shamanic world, read Bill Wahlberg's

Star Warrior: The Story of SwiftDeer. This biography of Harley
SwiftDeer, who was described in the Fire Woman chapter, presents
more on the Quodoushka spiritual sexuality tradition.
For more practical applications based on experiences from

Appendices • 245
wo /men of the light, try these writings from the contributors in this
book: Betty Dodson's Sex for One and her video Selfloving; Carol
Queen's Exhibitionism for the Shy; Jwala's Sacred Sex; and my Sensual
Ceremony. For a self-help book based on sex surrogacy, see Adele
Kennedy's Touchingfor Pleasure. Sex-positive massage can be learned
from my Erotic Massage (book) and Erotic Massage Video. (Slightly
different versions of these appear under the titles Tantric Massage

and Tantric Massage Video.) Joseph Kramer's video Fire on the
Mountain: An Intimate Guide to Male Genital Massage presents addi-

tional erotic massage techniques. Another useful resource for non-
Western sexual energy approaches is Sexual Energy Ecstasy by David
and Ellen Ramsdale.
Books and videos may be more accessible, but experiential live
trainings go more to the core. If possible, study directly with the
women of the light in this book. Their contact addresses follow in
Appendix B.
For additional sacred-sex teachers, consult Tantra: The Magazine

(from a local metaphysical bookstore or the publisher at P. O. Box
108, Torreon, MM 87061).
Sex surrogacy training informahon is available from the Inter-
national Professional Surrogate Association (P. O. Box 74156, Los

Angeles, CA 90004; telephone: (213) 469-4720).
To learn about training and volunteering on a sex information

hot line, contact San Francisco Sex Information at (415) 621-7300.
They are also available for answering any personal questions on sex.
Academic training in Western sexology is highly recommended
from the Institute for the Advanced Study of Human Sexuality (1523
Franklin Street, San Francisco, CA 94109).
Unfortunately, sex-positive professional massage training is rare.
Fine massage schools exist but none would not want to be listed
here for fear of censure from an extremely sex-negative power struc-

ture in the massage profession.
Finding an ongoing sex-positive spiritual context is a difficult
task. In the patriarchal Jewish, Christian, and Islamic religions, the
women-are-inferior and sex-is-evil views are so strongly ingrained

that little or no support for sexuality exploration, sacred or other-
wise, can be found there. Even most gurus from the East are also
sex-negahve, suggesting that "lower" chakra meditation could lead
one down the wrong path.
For me personally, I have often studied in established spiritual
traditions focused on energy more than moraUty and then, on my

awn, integrated sexuality and energy teachings. Among the tradi-
tions I have found most beneficial are Tibetan Buddhism, Chinese
Taoism (which is more of a philosophy than a religion), and some
shamanic perspectives strongly influenced by Native American spiri-
tuality. Western Sufis (a branch of mystical Muslims) and followers
ofBhagwan Shree Rajneesh, who shortly before his recent death
became known as Osho, have often been keenly aware of sacred
sexuality. Most Wiccan followers unfortunately have remained so
underground that their earthy sexuality often goes unnoticed.
Though there is no room in most religious inns for sacred sexu-

ality, incredible social and legal strides for sexual freedom have been
made during the lifetime of the women of the light writing in this
book. Still, we have so much farther to go. Anyone feeling drawn to
the sacred sex light will have extensive opportunihes to make a
meaningful contribution to many men and women.
Fortunately, because there are few standardized professional
regulations, each wo /man of the light can be fully creative, finding

own magical blend of satisfying self-expression. Equally
her or his
important, becoming a wo/man of the light is a spiritual quest in
itself.
Appendix B
Contacting the Writers
Arranged in alphabetical order by first name.
(addresses as of October 1994)
Betty Dodson
P. O. Box 1933
Murray Hill
New York, NY 10156
• To order Women's Sexuality
Selfloving: Video Portrait of a
Seminar, mail a $45.00 check made out to Betty
Dodson. She will also send information on her new
series of videos, workshops, and where to find her
book. Sex for One: The Joy of Selfloving.
247
Carol Queen
Carol Queen Workshops
P. O. Box 471061
San Francisco, CA 94147-1061
• Offers workshops and classes and is available for pub-
lic speaking. Her areas of expertise include sex and
culture, sexual diversity, sexual enhancement and

communication, erotic writing, and the sex indus-
try. Write with S.A.S.E. for workshop listings, to
request bibliography, or to contact regarding

speaking engagements.
Carolyn Elderberry
P.O. Box 27266
Oakland, CA 94602
• Available for consultation, small groups, personal re-
source, or networking. "I would like to hear from
those interested in Spirituality /Religion and Sex, and
sex education."
• Send S.A.S.E. for sample newsletter.
Juliet Carr
P O. Box 9463
Berkeley, C A 94709
• Send S.A.S.E. for information on individual consultations,
workshops, books, videos, stage shows, and avail-
ability for seminars and speaking engagements.
Jwala
Kathleen Bingham
775E. Blithedale,#174
Mill Valley, CA 94941
Voice Mail: (415) 995-4643
To order her book Sacred Sex: Ecstatic Techniques for Em-
powering Relationships, mail a $19.95 check or money
order (CA residents: $21.25, including sales tax) made
out to Kathleen Bingham.
Appendices • 249
• Write for current information on Sacred Sex seminars.

Sluts and Goddesses events. Breath Orgasm classes,
as well as audio and video tapes.
Kenneth Ray Stubbs

O. Box 67-WI
P.
Larkspur, C A 94977-0067
• Write for information on books and videos: Erotic Mas-
sage (with accompanying video). Romantic Interludes,
The Clitoral Kiss, Tantric Massage (with accompany-
ing video). Sensual Ceremony, and Sacred Ceremony.
• Note: Seminars and individual sessions are no longer
available.
Shell Freye
Couples' swînging house parties held in
Oakland, California, on Saturday nights
only. Couples, please call together for
information: (510) 834-5808
• Shell Freye, Clinical Sexologist, is available for private
sessions on sexual dysfunctions as well as sexual and
sensual enhancement. Contact at telephone above.

Stephanie Wadell
O. Box 60971
P.
Palo Alto, C A 94306

• Stephanie Wadell is a sexuality consultant specializing
in spiritual sexuality disciplines, sex therapy, and sen-
suality enhancement. Write for information on
Quodoushka seminars and ceremonies, as well as
private consultations concerning spiritual sexuality.
note: Richard Stodart, the arhst of the front-cover Mary

Magdalene painting, can be reached at Rte. 3, Box 142, Burgess,
VA 22432.
Acknowledgments
by
First and foremost, I wish to express my deep appreciation to

women of the Ught who wrote for this book. For several, writing
the
down their personal story was a new challenge. For many, being
publicly associated with the controversial topic of sacred prostitute
was not always a comfortable position. Collectively they have told
the story that for many years I have known could be honorably told.
My editorial role has been greatly eased by the "editorial sup-
port team": Chyrelle D. Chasen, Karen Crane, Pam Johnson, Nancy
Carleton, and Clara Kerns. I am deeply grateful to them. Several
other friends have given valuable feedback along the way: Laurie
Immoos, Carole Merette, Richard Stodart, Penny Hancock, C. Jeanine
Stephens, Chris McMahon, Eurydice Feibusch, and Stan Lipkin.
Much thanks to Carol Heller for her assistance in writing the Group-
Sex Hostess chapter. A special thanks to Marcia Singer. And Sandy
Trupp, as always, has been supportive in so many ways.
For the cover of this book, Richard Stodart painted Mary
Magdalene far more profoundly than I had hoped for. His mystical
wisdom and artistic ability continue to nurture me.
Were it not for the special women and men of the light who
have graced my life, the seed for this book would never have come
to fruition. I thank you and celebrate your gifts.
250
Index
AIDS 67, 71, 116, 174, 179

Aphrodite 24
archetype 15, 16, 24, 30, 121, 192, 193, 237-241
ascetic 78
at-one-ment 78, 238
atonement 78
B
Babylonia 184,196
Bhagwan Shree Rajneesh 246
Bible 38, 100, 140, 196
bodhisattva 46
Buddhism 38, 46, 78, 212, 246
Catholicism 56, 181, 207, 223

celibacy 56, 170, 241
ceremony 16, 17, 21, 23, 47, 66, 89, 92, 93, 100, 205, 206, 211, 212-224, 214
chakra 93,218,246
Cherokee 210, 211, 213, 215
Christianity 13, 14, 17, 38, 139, 141, 148, 181, 183, 184, 185, 188, 192, 194,
196, 198, 214, 238, 240, 246
chulua 218
compassion 13, 16, 56, 78, 84, 87, 94, 95, 126, 192, 198, 213, 224, 228
death 46, 72-73, 87, 198, 212, 222, 231, 235-236, 246
digital stimulation 231
dysreflexia 231
Earth 15, 22, 100, 144, 172, 181, 208, 209, 210, 214, 215, 224, 238
ejaculation 28, 51, 52, 57, 60, 85, 92, 93, 130, 138, 154, 159, 160, 171, 190,
191, 198, 234. See also female ejaculation
251
embodiment 18, 24, 196, 239

energy 13, 17, 27-28, 59, 69, 79, 79-80, 82-96, 100, 101, 106, 112-117, 127,
139, 144, 155, 157, 159, 160, 162, 170, 191, 193, 206, 208, 210-224, 233-
235, 241, 244, 245, 246
Episcopal 173
Estes, Clarissa Pinkola 121
female ejaculation 92, 191

feminist 12, 124, 137, 140, 141, 185, 197, 198
-
FireMedicine 208,213,223
Firebreath Orgasm 216 .
FireWo/Man 16,208,215,216,224,244 {
fuck 14, 130, 137, 143, 191, 196, 199
G spot 91, 92, 227

God 16, 17, 24, 29, 38, 100, 141, 173, 218
Goddess 15, 24, 29, 30, 38, 85, 100, 101, 122, 140, 141, 181, 184, 188, 192,
193, 194, 196, 197, 199, 201, 218, 239, 244, 249
Grandfather Tom Two Bears Wilson 1
Grandpa Robert 210, 211

group sex 99-101, 103-117, 125, 141
H
hedonism 78, 128, 196
Hinduism 78, 143
Human Sexual Inadequacy 47, 54
impotence 28, 57, 63, 91

Islam 17,240,246
Judaism 13, 17, 139, 188, 196, 198, 240, 246

Jungian 12,239,244
Keetowah 210,211,223
Knox, Rev. Carol 40
Index • 253
Liberating Masturbation 12, 121, 136

lover's mask 216
M
madam 57, 58, 186, 187, 188
Mary Magdalene 238, 239, 240, 241, 244, 250
massage 12-13, 15, 23, 28, 32, 79, 84^7, 91, 99, 112, 113, 147, 151, 153,
156, 157-159, 163, 168, 175, 208, 227, 233, 245
anal 227,231
erotic 13, 15, 114, 147, 245
sensual 87, 147
sexual 13, 129, 147
massager. See vibrator
Masters and Johnson 47-48, 54, 55, 57, 60, 129, 206
masturbation 13, 28, 68, 79, 124-144
Medicine 206, 209-210, 211, 213, 215, 223, 224
Medicine gift 215,216
Medicine Wheel 214, 215, 216, 224
Medicine Wo /Man 210,222
meditation 12, 14, 22, 31, 36, 38, 77, 79, 88, 140, 141, 142, 143, 175, 230,
233, 246
Methodist 141
Muslim 246
mysticism 79, 80, 85, 101, 152, 244, 246, 250
N
Native American 1, 38, 205, 208, 209, 210, 212, 222, 246
Navaho Blessed BeautyWay Prayer 1
Old Religion 14, 180, 181, 208

orgasm 12, 14, 28, 32, 52, 57, 60, 61-62, 64, 69, 83, 85, 91, 92, 95, 115, 122,
124-144, 133, 154-155, 159, 163, 180, 190, 194, 195, 201, 205-206, 216,
234-236, 235, 241. See also ejaculation
energetic 79, 244
Osho 87, 88, 89, 90, 101, 246
P
pagan 184,192,196,214
PaleoUthic 17,101
patriarchal 15, 244, 246
PC muscle 91, 126, 127, 135, 138
Phoenix FireWo/Mar\ 223
premature ejaculation 57, 60, 93, 138
preorgasmic 91, 138
Presbyterian 38
Protestant 81, 181
Qualls-Corbett, Nancy 23, 238, 239, 244

Quodoushka 213, 215, 216, 218, 220, 223, 244
R
refractory period 138
Reich, Wilhelm 85, 88, 139
rites of passage 66, 213, 214, 216
ritual 38, 92, 114, 141, 143, 192, 193, 208, 211, 213, 214, 215, 216, 222, 223,
224
romance 132
S&M. SeeSM
sacred prostitute 16, 17, 23, 24, 48, 79, 100, 122, 140, 184, 238, 239, 240,
244, 250
Sacred Prostitute, The 23, 238, 244
sacred sex 15, 16, 31, 39, 77, 78, 101, 239, 246
sacred whore 16, 196, 201
sannyasin 87, 88
Secret Garden Ceremony 21-25, 45, 227
secular prostitute 181, 240
sensate focus 47, 54, 55, 227, 230
sex surrogate 45^9, 48, 51-71, 94, 112, 128, 148, 175, 208, 227, 245
sex therapy 45^8, 51-62, 69, 71, 72, 174, 180, 195, 227
sexologist 38, 45, 112, 208, 227
sexual dysfunction 45, 47, 138, 208
sexual energy 215. See also energy
sexual healer 16, 29, 39, 199
sexworker 129,199,200
shaman 206, 208, 210, 212, 213, 222, 223, 224, 244, 246
sin 14, 17, 38, 68, 78, 100, 173, 240
Index • 255
SM 141, 195
smudge 93,210,224
Southern Baptist 15,207
stereotype 185, 187, 191, 199, 239
Stone, Merlin 196,244
Sufi 246
swapping 104
SwiftDeer, Harley 1, 210, 212, 212-215, 244
swinger 100, 101, 103, 107, 108, 110, 113, 114, 115, 116
Tantra 72, 77-80, 78, 81-96, 101, 141, 142, 143, 196, 218, 244
Tantrika 16, 78, 89, 91, 92, 96, 193
Taoism 72, 79, 142, 244, 246
temple 15, 17, 24, 39, 48, 79, 85, 100, 114, 181, 184, 188, 192, 193, 196, 201
temple priest/ess 15, 16, 18, 23, 24, 48, 93, 100, 122, 140
trickster 212
u
Unity Church 40
V
Venus 24
vibrator 12, 14, 111, 115, 121, 125, 126, 127, 133, 134, 135, 137
vice squad 58, 147, 148
Vipassana 38, 41
w
When God Was a Woman 196, 244
Wicca 181,192,246
women of the light 16-18, 46, 236, 239, 240, 244, 245, 246, 250
women of the night 16, 236
Women Who Run With the Wolves 121
X
X-rated 29, 30, 31, 67, 129, 130, 137
Y
yoga 14, 36, 84, 88, 94, 95, 141, 210
Other Books by the Contributing Writers
By Betty Dodson
Sex for One: The Joy of Selfloving
By Carol Queen
Exhibitionism for the Shy: Show Off, Dress Up, and Talk Hot
By Jwala
Sacred Sex: Ecstatic Techniques for Empowering Relationships
By Kenneth Ray Stubbs

Tantric Massage: An Illustrated Manual for Meditative Sexuality
Sacred Orgasms: Teachings From the Heart
Sensual Ceremony: A Contemporary Tantric Guide to Sexual Intimacy
Erotic Massage: The Touch of Love
Romantic Interludes: A Sensuous Lovers Guide
The Clitoral Kiss: A Fun Guide to Oral Sex, Oral Massage, and Other
Oral Delights
Sexuality / Spirituality
WOMEN of the LIGHT

The New Sacred Prostitute
Women of the night — women of the light:

the sacred prostitute, the temple priestess,
the sexual healer,
the embodiment of the archetypal Goddess.
Who is she today?

Without a continuing lineage, without a temple,
the contemporary sacred prostitute has many faces.
Today she is
The Porn Star

The Sex Surrogate
The Meditation Teacher
The Group-Sex Hostess
The Artist
The Masseuse
The Call Girl
The FireWoman
The Nurse
Nine women share their work, their lives,
their insights.
Their personally written stories bring us to a deeper
understanding of our sexuality and our humanity.
ISBN D-T31Eb3-12-2
5 1495
Secret Garden 9 780939"263127

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WOMEN

Navaho Blessed BeautyWay Prayer

Great Spirit, may we walk in Beauty.

May Beauty be above us so that we dream of Beauty.

as taught to Harley SwiftDeer Reagan

Kenneth Ray Stubbs, Ph.D.

Copyright© 1994 by Kenneth Ray Stubbs

Cover Painting and Design: Richard Stodart

Library of Congress Catalog Card Number: 94-068626

The Porn St.\r

Kenneth Ray Stubbs, Editor

It just happened to be Halloween night, 1976.

Betty had written, self-published, and self-distributed Liberat-

ing Masturbation: A Meditation on Selflove, a small book dedicated to

of her drawings presenting various shapes, colors, and sizes of

over 150,000 copies before becoming the mainstream hardcover Sex

In those early days of women's liberation and the feminist move-

responsibility for their own orgasms.

Betty's book was by a woman, about women, for women. But it

and orgasm and sensuality and pleasure and exploration... and I

wanted to learn more.

moved to San Francisco to study Jungian psychology and massage.

Massage is intiinate, no matter how therapeutic the technique

human feelings, including sexual ones. Yet, in the massage pro-

more obvious were it not for the per\'asive sexual repression/

to include genital massage when they feel it is appropriate. A few

Eventually, rather than denouncing sexualit)', I came to terms

parts of the physical-emotional body.

cepted my invitation to get together to compare notes on my erotic

on her provocative book, I was anticipating meeting an extraordi-

74 • Women of the Light

Her presence quickly communicated that her sexuaUty was not a

On a covered foam pad that served also as a floor bed, we

show-and-tell. With massage oil, a few vibrators, and a few other

long, golden locks, with watermelon-sized red lips, and glitzy,

sequined dresses that even Marilyn would have envied. Through

activities and orientations were out of the closet.

Halloween is really a sacred festival time from the Old Religion

tions predating Christianity). This festival celebrates the sun's

private chamber, I reentered the temple grounds where a joyous cel-

my beginning days on a path where my sexuality

In sex and massage I began to find some of that meaning. Then

sexuality practices. (My path has led me to teaching erotic massage

began to realize and appreciate the profound nature of the temple

priest/ess, the archetypal sacred prostitute. My purpose in editing

Women of the Light is primarily a collection of personally writ-

sacred whore, Tantrika, or FireWoman. Euphemistically, today they

contrast to dark or black or night, but light in contrast to unaware,

What makes these friends unique in contemporary times is not

affection, security, and other indirect exchanges for sexual connec-

tion, marriage being the predominant form in our culture. What

Even more important, they provide a context of compassion and

visionaries, stepping outside of constrictive, traditional beUefs about

In Paleolithic and Neolithic times, when "God" was more

prostitute is out in the cold.

eage, these women have been pioneers in a reemergence of these

unique teachers, I introduce each with some of our personally shared

sible contemporary occupational title, none of these individuals can

tent that we have repressed our sexual feelings and expressions, we