A Woman's Guide To Conscious Love - Navigating The Play of

PRAISE FOR THIS BOOK
I found myself sitting up straight with several bolts of insight reading A

Woman’s Guide. The combination of practical, real life examples you can
easily comprehend along with fun exercises to stretch you into unfamiliar
growth was powerful. Ann demonstrated a balanced masculine/feminine
integration in how she tells this story, so it’s a concrete example of what that
looks and feels like. This guide is one that truly lives up to its name. As a
much-read, occasionally jaded reader she electrified me with what was on
offer. I highly recommend this as a big step forward from the usual ’self-
help’ manual. It’s a living breathing expression of what is being taught and
beyond the usual women’s ‘guidance’.
- Lisa Greenfield, Truth in Hand
What a relief it is reading a book that empowers women to find tools for
love and partnership. Not only does Ann O’Brien’s relationship expertise
give us clear information, but she also does it in a playful, no-nonsense way.
Ann’s wisdom on healing the masculine and feminine within us creates
space for deep healing that makes love more approachable for each of us.
Thank you, Ann, for being the light that women need!
-Marla Mervis-Hartmann, Creator of “Love Your Body Love Yourself ”
If you’re like most women, you obsess over love — you get high when it’s
happening and over-analyze when things go South. This is not just a
relationship book. A Woman’s Guide to Conscious Love brings clarity to the
things that trip us up in our relationships — from unhealthy family patterns
to past lives, previous lovers to cultural programming.
Through keen wisdom, storytelling and humor, Ann O’Brien explains how
energy gets stuck or misplaced; but more importantly, she gives you tools to
clear it up for yourself, truly connect with your heart, and prepare to love
and be loved in ways you only dreamed possible.
- Stacy McCrory, Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist and Owner of

TwoCan Retreats
A Woman’s Guide to Conscious Love adds a whole new dimension to therapy

by addressing the energy we can’t see. It’s practical, non-judgmental and it
makes complete sense of things most of us feel but can’t pinpoint. Even
better, it includes incredible resources and guided meditations to set yourself
up for success. I’m impressed.
-Rudi Lion, MFT
A Woman’s Guide to Conscious Love brilliantly empowers a woman to

understand herself and how to truly love and appreciate her man. Ann´s way
of teaching is non-judging and full of love, and will inspire any woman to a
deeper path of loving herself and the masculine in the dance of love.
-Karen Brody, Man Coach and author of Open Her, Activate 7 Masculine
Powers to Arouse your Woman´s Love & Desire
PUBLISHER’S NOTE
This book is intended to support you in your relationships and self-healing path.
That said, the meditation techniques, exercises and suggestions offered in this book
are not promised or intended to take the place of medical, psychological or other
professional services. Where expert assistance is needed, one should enlist the help
of a qualified professional.
…..
Copyright @ 2020 Ann O’Brien

Ann O’Brien Living
PO Box 1692
Carbondale, CO 81623
www.AnnOBrienLiving.com
All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or utilized in any form or by any means,
electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage or
retrieval systems, without permission from the publisher. For information, write to
living@annobrienliving.com.
Book design by Lucinda Rae.
Name: Ann O’Brien, author.
Title: A Woman’s Guide to Conscious Love: Navigating the Play of Feminine and Masculine Energy
in Your Relationships
ISBN Print: 978-1-7344128-1-9

ISBN eBook: 978-1-7344128-0-2
To all those ready to live and love
as you have never done before.
TABLE OF CONTENTS
Acknowledgments
Introduction
My Story
Part 1: Love Is Everywhere
• Part 1 Introduction
• Living Breathing Love
PRACTICE: Breathing and Connecting with Love Itself
• Loving Yourself
• Discovering Your Value through Giving
• You Are Always “In Relationship”
• Attracting without Naming
PRACTICE: What Are You Attracting?
• What True Love Requires
PRACTICE: Your “Thank-You” Letter to the Universe
Part 2: Making Sensitivity Your Friend

• Creating Healthy Boundaries
PRACTICE: What Are Your Requirements in Relationship?
• Coming Home to Your Body
PRACTICE: Grounding and Replenishing
• Claiming Your Energetic Space
PRACTICE: Balancing Your Energy Field
Part 3: What Is the True Feminine?

• Intuition
• Radiance
• Fluidity
• Energy
PRACTICE: Go into Nature and Observe the Feminine
• Unconditional Love
• Creativity
PRACTICE: Choose Your Creative Outlets
• Practicality
• Strength
• Receiving
• Pleasure
• Feminine Archetypes and Cycles
PRACTICE: Which Feminine Archetype(s) Do You Express?
Part 4: What Is the True Masculine?

• The River and the Riverbank
• Direction
• Drive
• 40 Watts
• Firmness
PRACTICE: Go into Nature and Observe the Masculine
• Presence
PRACTICE: Presence Meditation
• Protection
PRACTICE: Where Do You Receive Healthy Masculine Energy in Your Life?
Part 5: The Dance of Feminine and Masculine Within

• Emptiness and Fullness
• We All Have Both Sides
PRACTICE: Circulating Earth and Cosmic Energy Meditation
• Your Wounded Masculine Attracts His
• Life Sometimes Requires Your Masculine
PRACTICE: Where Do You Need to Use Your Masculine?
• When He Competes with You
• How to Switch Gears between Roles
PRACTICE: Act Out and Embody Your Inner Masculine and Feminine
• Freedom and Love
Part 6: From “Yes Dear” to Angry Feminism to Mutual Empowerment

• Distortions of the Feminine
• Distortions of the Masculine
• Distortions of the Relationship
PRACTICE: How Have You Experienced the Distorted Feminine and
Masculine?
• How the Feminine Has Gone Unseen
• How the Masculine Has Been Rejected
PRACTICE: How Have You Experienced the Rejected Masculine?
• Men’s Sensitivity Is Key
• The Collective Myth that Men Are Disappointing
• Moving beyond Transactional Relationships
PRACTICE: Clearing Energy Cords
• De-tangling from Mixed Survival Messages Given to Women
• Moving beyond Angry Feminism
PRACTICE: How to Feel Your Emotions and Release Those that Aren’t Yours
• “Yes, My Lord.” How to Handle His Patriarchal Ways
• True Freedom as a Woman
• Give and Give
PRACTICE: What Would You Like to Give and Receive in a Romantic
Relationship?
Part 7: Overcoming the Collective Fear of Feminine Power

• Most People Are Afraid of Feminine Power
• How Mistrusting the Feminine Has Hurt Us
PRACTICE: Sound, Dance, Move
• Beauty Is Not Superficial
• Stop Competing
PRACTICE: Appreciating Yourself and Other Women
• How to Show Feminine Power without Being Blatantly Sexual
• Are You “Hooking” Him?
• When You Feel Afraid of Men, Know This
• Suppressing Sexual Energy Causes Problems
• Politically Correct Gender Neutralization
• Men’s Violence Reflects Women’s Repressed Wildness
PRACTICE: Freeing Your Wild Side
• Unraveling Our Perpetrator and Victim Roles
PRACTICE: Finding Your Empowerment
Part 8: Healing Your Relationship Wounds

• How You Unconsciously Require the Behavior You Hate
• Why Relationship Patterns Repeat
• Learning to Handle Conflict and Your “Intimacy Threshold”
PRACTICE: Affirmations to Clear Fears and Doubts
• Understanding Your Karma and Childhood Story
• Letting Go of Past Relationships
PRACTICE: Releasing Past Lovers and Re-owning Your Sexual Space
• Healing Your Lineage
PRACTICE: Ancestral Clearing
• Overcoming Jealousy
• Forgiveness
PRACTICE: Forgiveness Prayers
Part 9: Unleashing Your Creative Energy

• Understand How Your Creative Energy Affects Him
PRACTICE: Balancing Your Female Creative Energy
• Myths of the Feminine: The Feminine Is Passive
• Myths of the Feminine: The Feminine Can Never Speak First
• Invite Him
PRACTICE: Express More
• Give Energy but Not Direction
• Sensuality
• Playfulness
• Expressing Artfully
• Holding Back & Overextending Go Together
• As a Woman, You Are Meant to Lead
PRACTICE: Activating Your Heart’s Leadership
Part 10: Taking Responsibility

• What Is Healthy Responsibility?
• What Is Toxic Responsibility?
PRACTICE: Are You Appropriately Responsible?
• When His Energy Makes You Feel Heavy
PRACTICE: How to Heal Any Relationship by Separating Your Energies
• Why Are You Giving?
PRACTICE: From Fear and Need to Unconditional Giving
• How NOT to Give Him Energy
• Don’t Run Your Sexual Energy through Him
PRACTICE: Calling Your Energy Back from His Life to Yours
• Men Do Change for Women, Just Not When We Try to Fix Them
• You Not Fixing Him Gives Him a Gift
• Assume that Men Worship Women
• How to Teach Him without Emasculating Him
• “Letting Him Do His Thing”
• Most Men Have Not Really Separated from Their Mothers
• Men and Boundaries
PRACTICE: Using a Mirror to Deflect Projection
Part 11: Yearning without Needing and the Art of Infinite Containment
• Be Yearning Not Needy
PRACTICE: What Do You Yearn For?
• Your Need Repels Him, or Attracts His Control
PRACTICE: Letting Every Day Be New
• What Happens if You Don’t Yearn?
• Relaxing into Your Power
• The Art of Infinite Containment
• What Happens if You Don’t Contain It?
• Your Ticket Out of the Holding Back or Overextending Circus
PRACTICE: Give Yourself What You Need
Part 12: Communication Tips

• Celebrate Him
• Let Him Drive
• Show Him You Trust Him
• How Partners Test Each Other
• The Subtle Difference between an Artful Dance and Hurtful Game-
Playing
• His Anger Indicates Interest
• Let Him Have His Moods
PRACTICE: Seeing the Truth behind Communication Hiccups
• Use Body Language
PRACTICE: How to Stand, Sit, and Align Your Body to Draw in Love
• Understanding Masculine + Feminine Communication Styles
• Addressing Conflict in Ongoing Relationships
PRACTICE: The Sandwich Method
• Being in Innocence
Part 13: Trusting Your Intuition in Relationship

• How to Tell if He’s Interested
PRACTICE: Sensing How He Feels about You
• Seeing His Greatness without Living in Fantasy
PRACTICE: Checklist for Picking a Conscious Man
• What Is Your Purpose?
• Knowing the Purpose of Your Relationship
PRACTICE: Exploring Your Purpose in Relationship
• How to Know if He’s “the One”
PRACTICE: Meditation to Connect with a Soulmate
• Have You Had Past Lives Together?
PRACTICE: Getting Free of Difficult Karma
• Cultivating Your Psychic Connection with Him
• Moment by Moment Instincts: How to Know What to Say and Do
• Is It Fear or Intuition?
• Spotting Red Flags
PRACTICE: Using Your Intuition to “Read” a Relationship
• How Much Are You Each Investing?
PRACTICE: Bringing Your Relationship into Balance
• Embracing Love’s Dance
Conclusion
Resources
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
To all my partners, love interests and friends who’ve made their way into
this book… you know who you are. You’ve been my greatest teachers.
To my incredible clients who trust me with their most personal stories,
hopes, and fears. I wouldn’t see and know so much if you didn’t show me.
To my intuitive and spiritual teachers- particularly Michael Tamura,
Mary Bell Nyman, Hope Hewetson and the late John Fulton. To the many
healers who’ve supported me, including Louise Swartswalter, Eileen
Macfarlane, Julie E and Lauren Whittaker- for helping to keep my body
and energy field clear and vibrant.
To my Aikido teachers and mentors- most notably Hiroshi Ikeda, Tres
Hofmeister, Lee Lavi Ramirez, Mike Jones and Chris Bergerud. To my
training partners and students, for all you have taught me about the energy
exchange in relationship.
To my yoga teachers, for helping me relax, breathe, embody, soften into
my feminine and find unity within- Max Strom, Annie Carpenter, Jason
Frahm and more. To my African dance teachers who would wave goodbye
saying, “Be juicy… go home happy!”
To Laura, Lisa, Zita, Bridget, Elysia, Franky and all my dear friends
who’ve cheered me on, laughed with me at the little things, and given me
late-night readings when I got stuck.
To Kat Tepelyan for your web and design brilliance, for making the
complicated simple- and especially for “getting me” and supporting my
success. To Forrest Podrat for creating beautiful images and for your loyalty.
To Karen Brody and to Ayn Cates Sullivan for going before me and
sharing your wisdom on book-writing and publishing. Ayn, I remember I
was drawn to talk with you back in 2010- when you brought my daughter’s
father to the raw foods retreat where we all met- and now I know why.
To Robin Quinn for your editing magic, for being the eyes that are not
in my head. I appreciate your expertise, conscientiousness and enthusiasm.
To Lucinda Rae for your gorgeous, intuitive cover and layout.
To my teachers and colleagues from Naropa University’s writing
program, and to all my singer-songwriter and poetry friends. Writing can be
solitary, but our community back then made it into an exciting conversation
that gave me fuel.
To my fellow leaders and pioneers working towards a new paradigm of
conscious relationships and masculine-feminine dynamics on this earth.
Clearly, we need you.
To everyone at True Nature Healing Arts… It’s an honor to be part of
this community of wise, like-minded and friendly souls. Your cold-brew
coffee and beautiful, warm cafe sustained me through countless hours of
writing.
To my grandparents, Nana and Papa, for showing me “Yes, Dear” done
right. For my Nana’s sweet feminine taking me into nature, and for Papa’s
head-butting that became “I’m so proud of you!” since he’s gone to the other
side. To my parents… for the gift of this life and for your generous,
unconditional support.
To my daughter, the light of my life… for the honor of supporting your
intuition and power in ways no one knew how to give me. You give me daily
practice in supporting the empowered feminine, and I am confident you’ll
take this work to a whole new level, beyond anything I could imagine now.
INTRODUCTION
In recent news, women have been stepping up and accusing powerful

men of sexual harassment. With the #MeToo movement on social media, all
kinds of women are speaking up about this.
In my work as an intuitive healer and coach, the #1 topic I’m asked
about is relationships. I am hearing two things really strongly:
1. Women want men, and they want their men to give them the best the
masculine has to give. They want their men to ravish them, to inspire them,
to be trustworthy, and to protect and provide.
2. Women complain a lot about men. They come to me when he
disappears or doesn’t follow through, when he’s too domineering or critical
or manipulative, when he’s depressed and boring, when they stop having
sex, when he doesn’t have a job or money, when he starts looking for
“Mommy,” or when he goes out drinking or starts looking at other women.
Wanting a man and yet complaining about men is a recipe for disaster!
The number of women who do it gives me a lot of business, but it’s also
shown me a great need for a book like this.
Our grandmothers’ (“Yes, Dear”) generation of women needed men for
survival, and so they put up with a lot of crap in order to have it. They
overlooked their own needs and men’s flaws due to necessity. Men took on a
more patriarchal role. This made things simpler in a sense.
Our mothers’ feminism wouldn’t have that. They required the freedom
and respect our grandmothers gave up. The pendulum swung towards
women pushing men away, getting angry and demanding the same rights.
In this process women gained a degree of power but gave up much of their
femininity. And some men got softer, giving up a level of their masculinity
out of remorse for what the feminine had been through. Many men also
feared losing women’s love and respect, and so they put a damper on their
own masculine edge.
Now everyone is confused. But it’s a great time for recognizing the
masculine and feminine parts of each of us, and it’s also a powerful time for
healing our true nature that got lost in re-evaluating our roles. Somehow, in
reacting to wounds and emphasizing “appropriate behavior,” we have
forgotten our natural energy and limited our happiness—not only in
relationships, but in life as a whole. Polarity and unity can co-exist, and this
book is designed to show you how.
Women tell me they still desire the masculine. And when I work with
men who are struggling, I see how relieved they are when I support their
masculinity while allowing their vulnerability.
To see the true masculine and feminine, just look to nature. Vast open
spaces, the force of the sun or the riverbanks are all masculine elements. The
rushing waters, blustery winds, or the rage of fire are all part of the feminine
—and so is the sweet singing of a bird, the moonlight and the fragrance of a
flower. Mother Earth doesn’t hold back. She expresses it all without
sentiment.
When the feminine is not served or cannot express freely, she lets you
know. Right now, our planet is in a critical state, and the masculine-
feminine relationship is the biggest wound on the planet. And deep down, I
think we all want to heal it.
MY STORY
Life often makes more sense in retrospect. Growing up, I felt other
people’s emotions as my own, which confused me. At the same time, I was
pulsing with creativity and passion, and I struggled to find a place to put it.
It seemed everyone around me had resigned themselves to numbness, and I
questioned whether my energy was ok. I yearned for someone to inspire me,
to truly meet me.
“Maybe if I hold back like everyone else, I’ll be loved,” I surmised
unconsciously. For years, this decision directed my life as a “runaway healer,”
that is, I unknowingly suppressed myself and tried to make people around
me feel better. And, of course, it didn’t work. My abandoning myself only
made me feel more lost, and it didn’t give anyone else the opportunity to
feel me and love me either.
When I was eight years old, I chased a boy on the school playground
trying to kiss him, and he punched me in the stomach. I fell to the ground
with the wind literally knocked out of me. For years, I went for passionate,
dramatic love that always seemed to end up in a story of hold back -
overextend - get rejected. Then I went for “pretty good” relationships that
didn’t trigger that story, and that allowed my relationships to last awhile.
In my early years, I healed my father. My mother would complain about
his drinking and then ask me to talk with him. “Aw honey, you have a way
with him,” she’d say. I was confused because it felt like grown-up stuff, yet
she acted as if it was my job. I did seem to be good at it. His drinking taught
me a lot about spiritual energy because he would “come and go” from his
body depending on whether he was drunk or sober. I longed to connect to a
person whose body was right there but whom I couldn’t feel consistently.
Our early challenges can show us our destiny. My problem was healing
men, and it’s also my gift. All my life, I’ve studied how to do it in
empowering ways for all.
My mom was operating off of her own programs about how to be
feminine (to her, feminine = helpless), and so I didn’t respect her. I was
aching for an example of feminine power.
Beginning at age 12, I studied psychic abilities, astrology, tarot, and
Eastern religion and philosophy. In high school, the boys teased me, calling
me a witch. I spent many high-school afternoons calculating astrology
charts and studying relationship compatibility. I still have these books, most
pages dog-eared and marked up with different color highlighters for the
various boys I knew.
In my teens and early 20’s, I had one steady boyfriend after another. I
had no trouble attracting guys, though having the skills to choose well and
keep things going was another story. After a difficult breakup with my
college boyfriend, I then had about 10 years of being mostly single. This was
hard, but in retrospect was an important period of self-discovery. I delved
into my spiritual trainings and personal development in a way that might
not have been possible in relationship. I explored my creativity and started
my business, to the point where I had a solid foundation of self-love and
inner security.
Life reflected this back to me by sending me a man who was ready,
willing and able to commit. He showed up on time with flowers, a clean car
and dinner reservations. Basically, he was a “salt of the earth” type of guy.
Having this stability for the first time in my life, I realized I wanted a child,
which he did not. And so, we parted ways.
I met my daughter’s father about a year and a half later. While he
matched the visions I’d had about my partner coming in, he wasn’t really
“my type.” As we became friends, I started to get the message: “This is the
one you’re supposed to be with.” He was hearing the same thing, and so we
got together and quickly got pregnant. We lived as romantic partners and
steeped ourselves in family life, until we reached a point where we were all
thriving. At that point, he and I chose to live separately as friends, and are
now harmoniously co-parenting. He is an amazing, conscious man who was
a great spiritual match, and helped me learn much of what I share in this
book. He was also the right person to have this child with, and I’m sure this
is a big part of why we got together.
There is no right or wrong way to do relationship, and you are not
“broken” if your life doesn’t look like a Hollywood movie. That’s not what
this book is about. Since I’ve experienced being single, dating getting
married and having a family—I can say that each has pros and cons. I wrote
this book mostly “in-between relationships,” and feeling very fulfilled. I
recognize the value of the free time and emotional perspective this has
afforded me. Life has its cycles- and, looking back, we get what we get for a
reason.
Now, I feel a ripening of all I have learned from my life and my clients,
and I look forward to my next adventures. I’m excited to feel a readiness for
more people to step into the aliveness and love they are meant for.
And now it’s your turn…
Part 1
LOVE IS EVERYWHERE
Part 1 – Introduction
I know well the intense desire to find a mate, or to solve what’s not working
with your partner. Just wait. Before we talk about these things, let’s get your
foundation straight.
Otherwise, you could find “the One,” only to have it blow up in your face or
cement into a life of compromise. You could extinguish that fire, only to find
yourself sinking in the flood you thought would fix things.
This book is about a new way to love and be loved. It starts with annihilating
your need because (1) Love is all around you, and (2) You are love.
You may have heard these things before, and you may or may not believe
them. I’m about to give you tools to feel your way into living this way, to prepare
you to love more fully with another.
This may stretch you. Imagine the relaxation and pleasure at the end of the
stretch.
LIVING BREATHING LOVE
Are you looking for ecstasy in love? There is a “secret sauce.” Without it,
you may have lovers. You may get or stay married. Yet you won’t get what
you want. Not even close.
You may think the magic comes from him. You live for the moments
your heart feels that “zing.” As soon as you’ve had one small taste of it, look
out! You spend your days yearning for more. Nothing is more important
than this feeling.
This kind of magic blasts your walls down. All your switches turn on,
your whole body wakes up and every cell starts tingling. Your heart feels like
it is bursting open. You look around and colors are brighter, that song on the
radio feels like it’s just for you, and everything dissolves into this moment.
Time stops and you’re satisfied, completely present here and now, yet one
with everything. You forget all distraction, all wanting beyond what you
have. Though you may yearn to express this love more and more, you yearn
from fullness rather than grasp from emptiness.
Love stops us in our tracks. As women, this is both our deepest desire
and our deepest fear—to be taken beyond what we thought we were.
It’s not always easy. If you’ve ever been pummeled by love, you know
what I mean. Love won’t stand for control, expectations, and effort. It
demands surrender. And until you learn to do this, every man will
disappoint you.
The problem is, as feeling-oriented women, and as modern women in
the age of feminism, we have been taught to be strong in a way that stamps
out our sensitivity. We have learned not to need, and to take care of
ourselves. We may very well have “proof ” that receiving is not safe, that it
makes us too vulnerable. And so, we resist the surrender we most yearn for,
partly because we have no healthy role models for how to do it.
Despite our resistance, love never lets up. When your comfort zone fails,
you are forced to stretch. In painful moments, you open. When “safe”
choices blow up in your face, you risk. And boom—you feel more alive; you
experience everything you’ve been looking for.
Love wants to give you everything. It’s larger than your mind can grasp,
and it’s bigger than any one person. When you get this, you get more than
you ever expected. With practice, you can learn to choose this before it
chooses you. This is the subtle difference between bliss and annihilation.
If lovers have disappointed you, you may be confused about opening up
to someone. That’s ok. This book will help you find your way. And for now,
try this… Imagine going through your days making love with life itself. In
the midst of your normal activities, do your best to relax into a sense of
magic, feeling a higher power guiding and directing you. You could call this
“God,” “the Divine,” “the Universe” or whatever works for you.
Practice trusting more. At each crossroads say, “Take me, lead me where
I need to go!” Be the vessel for inspiration and see how full and awake you
feel. See if you can find pleasure in living this way.
Love is all around us. Appreciation will reveal it. And to know it opens
the door for a human lover.
Next, you’ll find an exercise you can do to connect to Universal love, so
you can feel it for yourself.
PRACTICE: Breathing and Connecting with Love Itself
• Sit in a comfortable chair or sofa with your feet flat on the floor. Having
your feet on the floor will help you to stay present in your body so you can receive
more.
• Close your eyes and begin to notice your breath. Take a few breaths, as you
just relax and observe.
• On your next inhale, push your belly out. Allow the breath to fill the belly,
solar plexus area and heart. Pause briefly at the top of the inhale, then begin to
exhale in reverse. Soften your heart and abdomen, pulling the belly in as you
finish the exhale.
• For the first few breaths, you’re probably thinking about the steps I just
gave, and putting some effort in. But once you get it, see if you can soften and
simply allow more breath in and out. The breath is already there, and you are just
a vessel.
• Just like love, the air you rely on is unlimited, ever-present and all-giving.
Notice this now.
• Imagine a stream of golden light pouring down from above you. As you
receive this light, imagine filling up with love. Sit taller and reach up with the
crown of your head to allow more in. Imagine this love-light pouring down and
into you, cascading through your body, bathing you in warmth and clarity.
• The more you practice this, the stronger your connection will become. Sit
here breathing as long as you’d like.
LOVING YOURSELF
If you love yourself, it’s safe to be vulnerable. Healthy boundaries

become natural. Your self-love says, “No thank you” or “I’d love to!” before
you have a chance to blink. You’re protected with no need for walls, and
your power to attract is phenomenal. When you’re anchored in self-love,
there’s no limit to your surrender. Otherwise, your tendency to feel so deeply
is a blessing and a curse.
When you bite into that chocolate cake, your mouth explodes with
pleasure. Hearing your best friend say you’re beautiful, you soften and glow.
However, falling in love makes you lose yourself. Long-term partnership
gets boring or makes you feel dead inside. You might find yourself fighting
or taking on problems that aren’t yours. How on earth do you find your own
center, your own bliss?
We want love but sometimes unknowingly push it way. Have you ever
frozen when an attractive man looks your way or when your partner tries to
help you? “Uh-oh. What does he want?” you wonder. “Am I ok here?” And
then, assuming he’s a fairly sensitive guy, he feels your discomfort and pulls
back. He stops giving to you and to women in general, and everyone suffers.
Without self-love, you can’t tell where he’s coming from. Your stories
that say, “I’m ugly,” “I don’t deserve,” or “I can’t trust” get mixed up with his
gestures. They form filters that your subconscious thinks will protect you.
Instead, the filters make it hard for you to feel the truth, causing you to
brace yourself further. In the unlikely event he’s even still trying, you can’t
feel anything good that he’s giving you, and he cannot feel you. Connection
stops. The stories win and they grow.
From self-love, you can easily sense if a man’s energy feels natural and
respectful. If not, you’ll simply be able to brush off any manipulation
because it won’t “match” where you’re at. On the other hand, if his actions
feel authentic, your self-appreciation expands. He feels good too, as you
receive him.
Every relationship is a mirror of something inside you. So, self-love is
very helpful if you want to attract love from another. If men tend to treat
you poorly, you know that self-love is probably something to work on.
Vulnerability is not the problem. Your vulnerability is a beautiful thing,
as long as you choose what to receive. Self-love will show you what to choose.
DISCOVERING YOUR VALUE THROUGH GIVING
“All that sounds good,” you might say, “but how do I begin to love
myself?” The first step is to simply be with yourself. Create space to feel your
feelings and explore your own energy. Stop stuffing things and stop
distracting yourself constantly. As we continue, I’ll share meditations,
writing exercises, and other practices to assist you.
Experiencing love beyond yourself involves getting in touch with
something bigger. What makes you feel expanded? Is it going into nature—
perhaps to the beach, forest or desert? Is it yoga or meditation or dancing?
Do you like listening to music or watching movies?
One of my favorite ways to remember the love within me is to share my
gifts with others. I’ve had days when I wanted to crawl in a hole, but then
taught a class or helped a client and afterwards felt on top of the world. It’s
funny how that works. We all have something to give, and if you’re not sure
what you have, consider what you love to do naturally. Ask your friends how
you support them or what they like best about you.
It’s important to go inward and heal yourself, as well as give something
of service to others. When you’re giving, you can be as sensitive as you want;
your giving protects you. This is a big relationship secret that we’ll get into
as we go.
YOU ARE ALWAYS “IN RELATIONSHIP”
I can see her face now. It was as if the sides of her lips were etched down
in a permanent frown. “I don’t have a relationship,” my client claimed. “I
don’t even have family, no friends, no one I could call if I needed someone.”
I was sitting across from her, fully present, just the client and me in the
room. However, I couldn’t feel her. I only felt her guard.
Now I get it. Years of disappointment have a way of making us bitter.
However, what she wasn’t seeing was how she created her experience.
We cannot function in the world and avoid relationships. They are
everywhere. And in this case, I wasn’t the clerk at the grocery store or a
stranger on the street. I was someone she paid and took the time and energy
to come see. I was there just for her, and still—she couldn’t “have” me. It’s
not that relationships didn’t exist in her life. It’s that she wasn’t receiving
what she already had.
If you think about it… if you give someone a compliment or gift and
they toss it away, disinterested or even disgruntled, you probably won’t give
them more. The Universe is like this. When loving, well-meaning people
take an interest in you and you dismiss them, you send a message that says,
“Leave me alone.” Just a frown on your face will push people away.
I’m not saying to pretend to be always happy or to open your arms to
everyone who looks your way. But you can be gracious. Saying something
like “Thanks for checking in. I’m doing ok,” or simply making eye contact
and nodding will acknowledge the care coming your way.
I remember once being at the grocery store with a long-distance
boyfriend. He wasn’t committing, and he was encouraging me to find
someone local. “Ann… Ann! You’re missing all these guys,” he urged me.
“Huh?” I looked up from my grocery list. He was totally right. There
were several good-looking guys nearby. I’d been so focused on thinking he’d
be my guy that I’d cut myself off from the options right in front of my face.
If you’re looking for that special someone, or desiring more attention
from the partner you have, one magic ticket is to receive love from
anywhere and everywhere. Enjoy your friends and community, feeling how
your heart opens as you do. That open heart is like a magnet that draws
more love your way. It expands in you like a spiral, and your life becomes a
dynamic exchange of giving and receiving. This energy is super attractive to
a lover.
ATTRACTING WITHOUT NAMING
We make it so hard for the Universe sometimes. We get so narrow in

our focus that we miss everything else it’s trying to give us. This was me in
the grocery store with my long-distance non-boyfriend.
You may have learned to be specific when it comes to manifesting. Ask
and you shall receive, right? I’ve talked with women who have a list a mile
long: “He’s got to be tall, athletic, drive a nice car, make over $100K a year,
live in X neighborhood, like the same movies and music I like, want to go to
Italy, etc., etc.” Even if you have a partner, you may have a list of all you
want him to become and all you’d like to experience with him.
There are several problems with this type of list:
1. The more specific you get, the more you limit the Universe’s (and
other people’s) ability to fulfill you.
2. It’s all external. It doesn’t even address what you really want! Not that
your desires are bad, it’s just more powerful to look at what’s underneath
them. Why do you want him to be tall? So you feel protected? To
experience his power? Because that gives you the zing of great chemistry?
Then ask for the feeling you desire, not the specific trait you think will get
you that.
3. We need emotional power in order to manifest! You can ask for all the
specifics in the world. However, if there’s no feeling behind it, there’s no fuel
drawing him towards you.
Some women are so proud of their lists. I have been one of them. After
all, it takes a certain level of clarity and self-love to get specific about the
relationship you want. Bravo!
Now go deeper. What are you currently calling into your life? Don’t
worry about what it looks like. How does it feel?
Imagine melting as he kisses you. See the look in his eyes, feel the rush
in your body. Anchor into the comfort you feel in his arms, awaken to the
expansion he gives your life, visualize all the happy moments you share.
Can you do this without putting a face to it? I know, you may have
someone in mind. A current love or past partner may have shown you what
it’s like to feel all this. You may want it with your current partner. That’s ok.
Broaden your vision. Beyond any person or idea you have now, there are hazy
shapes. Give love a reference point, and then open to a sense of wonder.
The Universe won’t let you down. Your feelings are fuel. Trust this.
PRACTICE: What Are You Attracting?
This is a practice to kindle your fires of attraction.

• For the following writing practice, use the form on the next page or create
two columns—left and right—on a notepad or page of your journal. I highly
recommend writing by hand rather than typing, as studies show that writing by
hand is much more impactful on the subconscious.
• On the left side, write your list of everything you want. Don’t try to be
“evolved” just yet. Just note all the external things you’d like in a partner or
relationship. Use my example above at the beginning of “Attracting without
Naming,” if it’s helpful.
• Once you have your list, switch to the right side. Next to each “want,” write
how it will feel once you have it. For instance, if “tall” is on your list, you might
say, “I feel protected,” “I love having a powerful partner,” or “I am in awe of
him… this chemistry is amazing!”
• From this point on, when you think about your desires in love, just
visualize yourself feeling all these great feelings. As you talk to your friends, as you
daydream or meditate about your ideal relationship, stop worrying about the
details. Life is unceasingly generous and infinitely creative. Enjoy, and open to
having even more than you imagined.
What You Want How it Feels
WHAT TRUE LOVE REQUIRES
“Really? This one?” my friend asked the Universe, looking at the older
businessman who was her roommate. She’d been living with his wife, who
was now working in Europe, and their teenage daughter. He’d been living
separately, until their daughter needed a parent around, and so he moved in
with my friend and his child.
They spent many hours sharing late-night meals, getting to know each
other. She’d been pretty down on men at that time in her life, and he was far
from her idea of a perfect match. But after about six months, my friend
admitted to her roommate that she really had feelings for him.
“It’s about time,” he said.
Still, she was determined that nothing would happen until he worked
things out with his wife, and so my friend left for the summer. As it turns
out, it took quite a while for him to complete his marriage. But they knew,
and eventually the two moved in together and married. Now, it’s been
twenty years and their relationship has been loving and harmonious.
It just goes to show that the Universe is always working in our favor. My
friend wasn’t even interested in dating at that time! He didn’t seem like a
viable option when he moved in. And yet circumstances created their
courtship in a way that normal “dating” couldn’t touch!
True love can be messy. It’s perfect in its imperfection. It’s rarely
comfortable at first because comfortable doesn’t get us where we want to go.
This is where intuition comes in, bringing faith in the face of fear.
I’m not advocating chasing married men or avoiding dates. It’s just that
I’ve heard too many of these stories to not share at least one! Listen to your
heart and listen to the signs. Be open because the love you seek IS around.
You don’t have to try so hard.
The evolution that love requires doesn’t end once you have a lover. It
especially doesn’t end once you get married. We often think we’ve “arrived”
once we get the guy or the ring. Actually, that’s when the next chapter
begins. Relationships will continually stretch us because we’re all here to
grow. Being willing to do this is one key to creating deep, harmonious, and
lasting love. Otherwise, we either fight or compromise, which is why most
relationships cause stress. Inspired love with another human is not always
easy but in it we feel alive and it feels right.
PRACTICE: Your “Thank-You” Letter to the Universe
No matter what you’ve been through or are currently going through, there is a
greater purpose. By finding gratitude, you’ll step into a higher perspective that
feels better! It may be like finding that tiny flower growing through cracks in the
sidewalk. Even so, it’s worth finding. You’ll let go where you need to, and you’ll
attract more goodness your way.
Write a “thank-you” letter to the Universe. Say thank you for anything and
everything you can think of-- your life as a whole, yourself, and all your
relationships. Include your past or current partners—what’s your favorite thing
about each one? Consider including the lessons you learned through the hard
times. What were the gifts that came with your challenges?
Your “Thank You” Letter
Part 2
MAKING SENSITIVITY YOUR FRIEND
The expansiveness of true love can be frightening. It sounds so beautiful and

feels so good but then there’s “reality.”
Perhaps past trauma built walls around you. You don’t want to repeat the
pain of getting hurt or of risking and failing. Just feeling so much can make
everyday life—let alone romantic relationships—overwhelming. Your walls have
stories carved on them, that—consciously or not—lovers read and repeat.
Do you know your worth? Do you love yourself fully, on your good days and
bad? To do so will help your love life immensely, and we’ll talk about that in Part
2.
As a woman, your sensitivity is your strength. It not only makes life more
enjoyable; it actually protects you. This is counterintuitive yet you’ll trust it more
the more you practice.
If you haven’t honed these muscles, there are exercises to help you do so. I’ll
share some with you in the pages to come.
CREATING HEALTHY BOUNDARIES
Not only are your feelings the key to attracting your desires, they also
protect you better than anything. Rules, walls, or the best techniques do
nothing compared to your feelings! Your feelings know best what’s right for
you, and they’ll lead you in the direction you need to go, moment to
moment. Your instinctive “yes” or “no” is soft, appealing, yet indomitable.
Whether you’re “in a relationship” or not, boundaries are important.
Creating firm boundaries is a more masculine way. Most of us have learned
this and may feel safe with it. There is a place for it, yet your stiffness also
limits how much you can feel. It’s possible to become too rigid and attract
what you resist. It’s even more possible that you abandon your femininity in
enforcing this firmness.
Holding back and hiding your light is another option—but a less
empowered one. It comes from an old paradigm saying the feminine is
helpless, that vulnerability is unsafe. It comes from a fear of the feminine
power. But if we are this powerful, shouldn’t we be able to protect ourselves?
Besides feeling your feelings and your instinctive “yes” and “no” in the
moment, it helps to get clear on your bottom-line requirements in
relationship. Doing this helps with both attraction and boundary-setting.
Let’s face it, relationships bring up lots of emotions! In the midst of
these emotions, it can be hard to judge when to say “yes” or “no,” or what to
say or do.
Having your requirements in hand will always bring you back to earth
and remind you what you stand for. Meanwhile, they tell the Universe what
to send your way!
Next up is an exercise for getting clear on your requirements in
relationship. This will establish your self-loving boundaries.
PRACTICE: What Are Your Requirements in Relationship?
Take out a pen and go back to your list of “wants” and resulting feelings from
the “What Are You Attracting” practice in Part 1.
I’m going to ask you to create a new list, considering…
Which of the wants and feelings on this list are “must haves”? Using the
following page or your journal, note those requirements on your new list. Add
things if you’d like now. For example, you may need monogamy, mutual respect, or
that your partner has a job and can support himself. Whatever you designate here
is non-negotiable. Keep this list nearby. It will keep your head on straight when
passion or another person’s influence wants to lead you off course!
Beyond your “musts,” everything else on your “wants” list is negotiable. Often
the Universe gives us everything we ask for and more. However, there are times
we think we want something and there’s actually a better plan for us. So, it’s
important to have this wiggle room. Trust what comes and, at the same time,
dream!
Your Non-Negotiable Relationship Requirements
COMING HOME TO YOUR BODY
One of my spiritual teachers, Michael Tamura, used to joke with us in

workshops. He’d say, “Ask and you shall receive. But if you’re not home to
receive, UPS delivers next door.”
When our sister, friend, or co-worker gets the guy, we cry and scream,
“Huh? But what about ME?!” Sometimes we secretly scream at God
because we think we’re more attractive or more qualified. Or we go down
the spiral of self-hate, self-doubt. We look at our butts or bellies in the
mirror and wish we could shrink them. We beat ourselves up over
something we said or did, wondering which little mistake we made to mess
it all up.
Often, it’s none of these things. Love sometimes goes “next door” when
we’re not present. When we’re looking at our grocery list instead of around
us. When we’re holding back or hiding out, trying to stay “safe.” When we’re
lost in a fantasy.
If you’ve had trauma, coming home to your body can feel scary, even
life-threatening. If this sounds familiar to you, breathe and take a break
whenever one is needed. Then come back to the exercises and ideas in this
book.
Why is presence important and how do you get there?
I once attended a relationship workshop where a presenter shared the
top traits men look for in women, based on a survey. While we might think
men look for perfect boobs and butts, the top two answers were actually
confidence and sensuality.
Think about it. A confident, sensual woman is in her body. She glows. A
masculine man gets enlivened by her strength, wanting to match her,
wanting to impress her further. He feels safe because he knows where she is
and what she feels. This gives him trust in his own feelings. And he wants to
dive in and get sensual with her!
By contrast, you’ve probably seen those women who are completely “put
together” but seem uncomfortable in their own skin. They’re scattered, their
words feel disconnected, and (despite the perfect makeup) there’s a vacancy
in their eyes.
Now, makeup can be a way of appreciating your body! But if you had to
choose between getting enough sleep, meditating, eating well, exercising,
and putting on makeup—I’d suggest putting on makeup last. Because you,
the spirit, is the brightest light your body will ever hold.
Getting present is a process. It’s a journey of gentleness, step by step. It
may feel unfamiliar, excruciatingly uncomfortable, or plain boring.
Do your best to start with one simple act of self-care. Love yourself,
even in little ways as you work up to the bigger ways. So what if you hate
your stomach or butt? Don’t try to stop all the negative thoughts. Just add in
some loving ones.
There’s one exercise I do with my five-year-old daughter before bed.
We’ll say, “I love you, toes; I love you, feet; I love you, knees…” all the way
up to the top of her head. Having the physical reference of the different
body parts helps these statements “land” in the subconscious.
Breathing, getting out in nature, and observing little details in your
environment are good ways to get present. So is noticing the sensations in
your body. For example, if you feel sad, ask yourself where the sadness is in
your body. Let yourself imagine it even if you think you don’t “know.” Fake
it til you make it! Is the sadness hot or cold, prickly or smooth? What color
is it? What are its qualities? This type of body-awareness will come in handy
later as you’re communicating with a partner or love interest!
Being present in your body makes you more magnetic, more powerful,
and much safer. Because not only are you available to receive your desires,
there’s no room for anything unloving to come in. That space is already
taken. It’s taken by you.
PRACTICE: Grounding and Replenishing
• Sit in your comfortable meditation space, close your eyes, and say “hello” to
your body and breath. Feel your feet on the floor and feel your bottom pressing into
the chair.
• Now, imagine a giant tree trunk growing down from your hips and deep
into the center of the earth. Pick your favorite tree, perhaps a redwood, oak, or
cypress. This tree trunk is your “grounding cord.” Exhale, and as you do, allow any
energy that you don’t need to now release down the tree trunk.
• You might be letting go of stress, unhelpful beliefs, other people’s emotions,
or old trauma. Don’t worry about figuring it out. Just decide to let it fall away,
down into the center of the earth.
• Once you create your grounding cord, you’ll continue to release “excess”
energy down it, and the cord will continue to “anchor” you to earth. You don’t have
to keep focusing on it. I usually check mine once a day, or as needed.
• When you feel complete with releasing, there is one more step to coming
home to your body—replenishing! To do this, stay in meditation for a few more
minutes with your eyes closed.
• Imagine a giant golden sun several feet above your head. This sun is a
symbol of your own light. Put a magnet in the middle of the sun and allow it to
draw your energy and power back from other people and places, the future and
past. In your mind’s eye, “see” streams of gold coming into the sun from anywhere
and everywhere you left a part of yourself. Again, you don’t have to “know” where
it’s coming back from. Just decide and imagine it.
• When the sun feels full and this process feels complete, picture all the light
pouring into your body. From head to toe, from every cell to the edges of your skin,
receive this gold. Start to glow, sparkle, and overflow with your own love and
radiance.
CLAIMING YOUR ENERGETIC SPACE
“You” consist of more than your body. This is why, if someone stands a
foot away from you, you feel each other’s energy.
We each have an aura, or electromagnetic field that extends
approximately 2 to 3 feet around the physical body. Your aura holds
emotions, thoughts, and energy. And just like the body, if it’s not full of your
own energy, it will fill up with energy from other people and your
environment.
Every day, I re-claim my aura. Just like my body, I clear it out and I
replenish my aura with energy that feels good to me. I’m going to share
with you how to do this now.
PRACTICE: Balancing Your Energy Field
• Sit in meditation, breathe and ground. Use the belly-diaphragm-heart

breath and tree trunk image we have used previously. Sit tall and imagine golden
light pouring into the crown of your head.
• With your eyes closed, “see” a bubble of light around your body. If you feel
like you’re just making this up, that’s fine. How far out from your body is this
bubble? Is it a foot? 3 feet? 6 feet? Or does it vary in size—perhaps bigger in the
front and smaller in the back, or mostly even with little “dents” throughout? There
is no right or wrong, so just let yourself imagine yours. What color or colors is this
bubble?
• Once you get a sense of your energy bubble, also known as your aura, it’s
time to set it up the way you’d like it. First, ask yourself if you like the colors you
see. Do they feel like you? Are they bright and clear, or dull and murky?
• A general rule of thumb is that dull, murky energy is either someone else’s
energy, or your own energy that’s gotten stuck. As you fill up with color(s) that you
love, any stuck or foreign energy has to leave. You could bring in pink for love or
purple for spirituality or blue for peace. You may have a color pop up that just feels
good! Imagine that color(s) filling up your bubble now. Have fun with it; there
are many meanings to each color.
• From here, you’ll want to balance out your energy field. Go ahead and
smooth out your bubble, then imagine that it’s 2 to 3 feet out around your body on
all sides. See it above your head, below your feet, in front and back, left and right.
Tuck it into your grounding cord under your feet. As you do, your aura starts to
release energy just like your body has been doing.
• When you’re done, fill in with a gold sun as you did previously. Call your
light back from other people and places, future and past, and let that light pour
into your body and aura to replace what you just released.
Part 3
WHAT IS THE TRUE FEMININE?
In the next two sections, we’ll dive into the natural qualities of the feminine
and masculine.
This is not about traditional gender roles. And yet, we’ll look beyond the
recently popular tendency to neutralize gender in attempt to heal the painful way
men’s and women’s roles have been distorted.
The truth is, there ARE masculine and feminine energies in nature. You have
all of these possibilities in you, in various proportions that change moment to
moment. And you likely have a certain essence that’s dominant in your love life.
If you think about a time when overwhelming waves of love melted you open,
you may remember a tension beforehand. Perhaps it was the intensity of a fight, a
breakup, or giving up that preceded love’s arrival. Unity means so much more
when there is first polarity. Then there is something to unify.
Nature is dynamic, not static. And so, denying the feminine and masculine
denies reality, it denies life force, and I see people suffer for it.
So, let’s take a look. What follows are some ways to recognize feminine
energy…
INTUITION
My teacher said, “You women were born with intuition. I had to work
for years to develop it.” He had directed a highly regarded psychic school, so
this was a big statement.
Probably because our bodies are designed to create and care for babies,
we women need intuition. Pregnant woman and mothers are instinctively
guided to choose the right foods and environments, and to feel into their
children’s needs to keep them safe and happy.
Even if we are not mothers, because of our receptivity, we need intuition
to determine when to open, who to open to, and what to let in. Our feeling
nature is highly developed.
Science will tell you that the hemispheres of our brain are actually
different than men’s. Our logical left brains naturally communicate with our
creative and intuitive right brains. Not so with men! They tend to
compartmentalize. And so, a woman’s intuition is more easily accessed all
the time.
RADIANCE
When we feel alive with love, we glow. The more we can steep ourselves
in love itself, the more our radiance will expand exponentially.
Our light inspires men, women, and children. The world worships it, as
evidenced by all the billboards depicting beautiful women. It’s priceless and
yet it’s free.
Our light is like sunlight, moonlight, starlight. The feminine is like a
rainbow of delight. There’s something so magical about it. It is what we
create from, since it is evidence of our love, our greatest feeling-fuel. We can
give the world a glimpse of it as it dances around us, completely ours and
never depleted, yet freely given for all to see.
FLUIDITY
The feminine is like the weather. Because we are feeling-oriented more

than goal-oriented, we women change our minds and our moods like we
change outfits. We might have a plan, but if it doesn’t feel good in the
moment, we naturally move in another direction.
Caring for children requires this of us, and whether we have them or
not, we are biologically wired to “flow.” If due to our work or other factors,
we spend a lot of time in a masculine role, we may find it difficult to “flow.”
Like many things feminine, it doesn’t feel as “safe” in our culture. However,
flow is part of our feminine essence.
Sometimes we judge our flow. “I’m supposed to be doing something else
right now,” we think. Does this sound familiar? We can be so hard on
ourselves! For example, I set a schedule for the writing of this book—
Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. Do you think I wrote every Monday,
Wednesday, and Friday? Of course not!
Some weeks I was busy with family or tasks and I couldn’t find the
space. Other times, I was having my own tantrums, meditation binges, and
generally learning firsthand many of the things I’ve written about. Then the
waters would calm, the stars would align, and I’d find myself waking up with
whole chapters written in my head.
Structure is a good thing. As I’ll discuss in Part 5, my schedule was one
way of calling on my inner masculine in support of my feminine creativity.
Without my Monday-Wednesday-Friday commitment, I might have let the
“flow” of other people and life’s demands pull me from my book much more
than it did. On the days I did write, I was in heaven, so grateful to have the
space and time set aside for my creativity.
ENERGY
Behind our radiance—fundamental to our fluidity—is raw energy. As

the masculine protects, guides, and supports the feminine, we are the ones
doing most of the moving! Though it sometimes appears he “directs” us,
don’t underestimate how much our energy influences his direction. Both
roles are equally powerful, yet different.
Our energy wakes him up. His practice is presence, which is downright
boring if there’s nothing to be present to! Our energy tests him as much as
it enlivens him.
The feminine is the “stuff ” of life. Just as each flower, plant, and animal is
unique, the Divine Feminine shows herself in infinite ways. The infinite
palate of colors, sounds, and elements provide energy which can take various
shapes.
Energy in and of itself is innocent. Mother Nature is unsentimental,
totally honest. She will express depending on what she receives. The
feminine is like this. The one given is that her energy will express.
PRACTICE: Go into Nature and Observe the Feminine
Go into nature. If you’re in a city, do your best to get to a park or go out of

town for a day or weekend. Put your phone away and get quiet. Observe rivers
and oceans, the stars and the rains and the wind. Watch the spontaneity of
animals. Notice the daily and seasonal changes in plants, the earth, the sun and
moon and stars. When you’re done, write down what you sensed.
Notes
UNCONDITIONAL LOVE
A mother’s love knows no bounds. All of us women, mothers or not, are

wired this way. We thrive on love. We feel secure when we feel connected in
our loving relationships.
This is why most of my female clients come to me with love questions.
This is what we fixate on. It’s as if we can’t focus on work, money, or
anything else if we have a crush, a new relationship, or a relationship
challenge.
This is also why many women stay in toxic relationships or relationships
that no longer serve them. When it comes to love, we would rather have
“something” than “nothing,” even if that “something” is hurting us.
It’s also why we women can take a stand for our partner’s best selves.
Our unconditional love is actually what calls them out on their bullshit; it is
what stands by their side for years as they get a degree or build their
business. It’s the part of us that nurtures and gives, day after day, year after
year.
CREATIVITY
Our feminine creativity is immense! Think about it… if you can make a
new life with your body, what else can you make?
This energy in us is non-stop—before, during, and after our child-
bearing years. Because of this wiring, we are more complex than men.
It is essential for women to continuously create. When not baby-
making, we can express ourselves through work, fine arts, or practical
creative tasks. If we neglect this part of ourselves or allow it to get
suppressed, we easily get sick or depressed. If we aren’t conscious of this part
of ourselves, it may express through micro-managing our lives or other
people, frivolous talking, or over-focus on problems.
So, I highly recommend celebrating your feminine creative energy and
choosing your favorite positive outlets for it!
PRACTICE: Choose Your Creative Outlets
• Sit in meditation, ground, and breathe. Close your eyes and imagine a
gauge out in front of you. See that it has a dial or digital display from 0 to 100%.
Then ask yourself, what percent of my feminine creativity am I currently able to
access? In your mind’s eye, “imagine” the number that shows up on the gauge. This
will give you a clear idea of how much this aspect of you is shut down, if at all.
• Grab a pen. Use the space provided on the next page or pull out a pad of
paper or journal. Answer the following questions.
• How DO you use your female creative energy now? List the positive and
not-so-positive ways.
• How would you LIKE to express your creativity? List all the ways you can
think of that would be do-able and healthy for you at this time.
Notes
PRACTICALITY
If the masculine is the sky, the feminine is the ground under our feet.
His ideas are vast. And yet we ask, “Is it done? Is it real?”
We say things like: “So you had a great meeting today? Tell me later; the
baby needs changed…” “That’s great that you’re getting a promotion. Why
haven’t the bills been paid?” “You won your golf game? Please just come
home and hold me.”
He loves to get somewhere, to feel successful, to lead with his thoughts.
You love to feel good and secure in your body, in tangible ways. All men and
women have both sides. But it’s often us reminding them, “Come down to
earth!”
We can do this with a roar or with a smile. At different times, one or the
other may be needed. This is a gift we have. Don’t make him wrong for his
ways; instead, gently nudge him into awareness of practical life. With a
secret smirk in your heart, let him be your hero in his ability to bring heaven
to earth.
STRENGTH
Most men gasp at a woman’s ability to labor for hours, to withstand the
pain of birth. We are built for this, and to care for our children non-stop,
day after day, year after year.
Besides our biological wiring for baby-making, I sense it is our
gentleness that allows us so much strength. Unless forced or forcing
ourselves into ultra-masculine mode, we are not as driven towards
“conquest” or “achieving.” Unfortunately, many women still live that way, as
evidenced by the epidemic of adrenal burnout. However, it is not our
feminine essence.
In the Tao Te Ching, there is a passage {78}:
“Nothing in the world

is as soft and yielding as water.
Yet for dissolving the hard and inflexible,
nothing can surpass it.
The soft overcomes the hard;

the gentle overcomes the rigid.”
(Lao Tzu’s Tao Te Ching translated by

Stephen Mitchell, 1988.)
If you’ve ever tried to knock down someone who is stiff, you know what
I mean. They are the easiest people to push over! By contrast, someone
relaxed and centered will “hold their ground” much longer and require much
more focus on your part to influence.
This is true not just physically but in all life. Someone rigid in their
thoughts rarely wins an argument. A person unwilling to feel all their
feelings, or empathize with others, gets stuck really easily. Flexibility and
softness bring endurance. This makes it easy to influence most anything.
RECEIVING
To be feminine is to be receptive. This is what allows us to feel pleasure,

to receive a child or creative idea, to bring anything good into our lives.
Done right, it is our greatest source of power.
Without discernment, it’s not safe to receive and be vulnerable. I
understand why so many women (and men) avoid it. If we haven’t clarified
our values, if we aren’t comfortable in our bodies, if we don’t know how to
clear and replenish our energy fields—our receptivity tends to attract toxic
energy, people, and situations.
In the martial art of Aikido, we practice receiving as much as we learn
attacking. Learning this discipline, and particularly how receiving is a
choice, has been a huge piece of my empowerment. We don’t focus so much
on fighting—or even defending—as we aim to harmonize with the energy
coming our way. And so, we utilize a lot of beautiful dance-like moves and
falls.
I will never forget being thrown by one of my early Aikido teachers.
Then a 5th degree black belt, he knew me and could feel exactly how hard
to throw me. The moment was right, and I flew down and back up in
complete exhilaration. “Do it again!” I thought. Of course, the moment had
passed. But I was blown away by feeling the dance of our energies. It wasn’t
just him—it was also my years of training that gave me the capacity to
receive so much, so gracefully.
This type of dynamic play is the reward when you learn to receive AND
have a partner you trust. This is why, in life, it’s super important to choose
wisely. At his best, the masculine has the capacity to hold all that you are.
Your natural feminine is to keep moving—responding to and expressing all
you feel, moment to moment, in appropriate ways. Knowing that your mind
is there if you need it, you let your heart lead the way.
PLEASURE
Pleasure feeds the feminine. When we stop allowing ourselves pleasure

or when we feel shame about it, it’s like putting out our feminine light.
Busy with all of our responsibilities, it’s easy for days, weeks, or even
years to go by without pleasure. “Oh that? I’ll get to it,” we think, and it
never seems to happen. From a night out with girlfriends to sex with our
partners to a spa vacation, it never seems as practical as paying bills and
doing dishes and taking care of everyone. We’re too tired. It costs too much.
Really?
There are little ways to find pleasure in everyday life. Buy or pick
yourself some flowers. Give yourself a foot rub, or trade this with a partner.
Put on your favorite song and circle your hips as you brush your teeth. Keep
a delicious essential oil in your purse and take a whiff or put a dab on your
wrists before a business meeting.
The real reason we don’t have more pleasure in our lives as women is not
because these things are hard, expensive, or time-consuming. It’s because a
woman in her pleasure is unstoppable. Her powers of attraction and creation
are infinite. And our culture is scared of that, even as we revere it.
Be a revolutionary. Be a teacher. Gift the world by choosing pleasure
and letting it nurture you. Be relaxed in a stressed-out world. Let your
sparks light up other lights.
FEMININE ARCHETYPES AND CYCLES
Our lives as women have phases and the feminine has many aspects.
Archetypically, we begin as the maiden—typically, a young, unmarried
women. From there, most of us become mothers. Moving into our older
years, we are crones, wise women filled with magic.
There are many variations on these archetypes. Another popular one
labels women as either virgin, mother, or whore. While on some level we
can transcend these categories once we’re living whole, conscious lives
(perhaps that’s why there are so many archetypes these days!), they are real
and helpful to understand.
For example, if you “mother” your man too much, he might not want to
have sex with you. Or he might feel less of a man around you, so hold back
from commitment. He may not fully understand this, but his primal self
does. It can hurt because you’re just trying to love and care for him, and you
can’t fathom why he pulls away. You try to love him more and it only makes
it worse.
On the other hand, if he sees you as a whore, he’ll want sex, but he
probably won’t marry you! Ouch! What’s a conscious, multi-faceted woman
to do?
The truth is, you have all these parts within you. You can’t hide it. It’s
why he loves you and it’s also why you intimidate him.
It’s an art as a woman to dance from one role to the next, expertly
knowing when to be your inner mother, crone, or whore. When he’s sick,
he’ll need your warm, nourishing chicken soup. When he’s horny, he’ll
desire your wildness dressed in lingerie. And when he’s at a crossroads, he’ll
ask your wise woman for input.
Be that sweet tender maiden in the early days, to inspire his
commitment. It’s ok to look lovingly at a baby if you’re wanting to have one.
Just know when to switch gears. Feel him and feel the moment. Feel into
yourself to find what’s required each moment and enjoy how multi-faceted
you are.
PRACTICE: Which Feminine Archetype(s) Do You Express?
Pull out a pen and write. When do you typically act as a mother, maiden,
whore, crone, or something else? Which archetype(s) do you express most often?
Are there ways you are currently choosing a role inappropriate to your truth and
goals? Are there ways you could embody these archetypes more effectively?
Notes
Part 4
WHAT IS THE TRUE MASCULINE?
Next, we’ll explore masculine energy. This is again about natural qualities,
and not necessarily referencing what men are programmed to be or do.
That said, Part 4 will be super helpful in understanding the guys in your life
better, so you can have more successful relationships with them. On a more basic
level, this will also support you in coming into your own wholeness.
By embracing your inner masculine and feminine, you’ll position yourself to
attract a high-caliber man who has done his inner work. If you already have a
partner, this will evoke more of his greatness. Remember, it’s not about
neutralizing roles and being “everything all the time.” Understanding these
energies gives you access to the dynamic range within both you and your mate. It
makes life and love more exciting and fun.
Letting go of need because you each have it all within, and yet recognizing the
nuances of human expression is a recipe for elevated love. Will you say yes?
Now, let’s discover the masculine…
THE RIVER AND THE RIVERBANK
One night, a couple of male friends of mine were sharing their wisdom
about a subject they’d each studied for over a decade. Afterwards, one of
them said, “I hope there wasn’t too much ‘mansplaining’ tonight.”
“No, I didn’t have that experience,” I said, surprised at his comment.
While I appreciated his care and thoughtfulness, I had actually felt honored
and supported that evening. I’d been very interested in what they shared.
When masculine direction comes from pure intention, as it did that
night, it is a gift to the feminine. We want it! I think of our dance like a
river and riverbank. While the feminine flows like a river, the masculine
provides the riverbank.
The river doesn’t bitch about the riverbank cramping her flow. She says,
“Thank you for holding me, for being strong enough to contain all that I
am.” She dances against his edges and becomes more powerful in doing so.
The unhealthy masculine wills his way without consideration of our
energy or feelings. This is why masculine direction gets a bad rap.
Historically, many men have talked down to women, and women have felt
misunderstood, criticized, or suppressed.
By contrast, the healthy masculine directs us only after first seeing us
with eyes wide open. His mind is free; he does not have a pre-set, one-size-
fits-all plan that he imposes on us. He directs us moment by moment, in
total service, in reverence of our full creative expression.
With no riverbank, a river becomes a flood. Her chaos overtakes things.
Or her water washes away in all directions and loses power.
This is where women get a bad rap for being “crazy,” and why the
imbalanced feminine gets nothing done. Just as our light makes his world
come alive, his healthy direction supports us in effectively being all that we
are.
DIRECTION
While the feminine multi-tasks, the masculine knows where he’s going.
Besides guiding the feminine, he climbs the ladder at work, he teaches his
children, and he plays sports with clear goals.
The masculine is not nearly as complicated as we are. Forgetting this is
one reason why women have such trouble in relationships! I heard one
relationship coach comment that we think of them as “hairy women.” Not
true!
The feminine goes to a familiar restaurant and reads the whole menu.
The masculine doesn’t even look at the menu; he finds a good thing and
sticks with it. What the feminine takes 15 minutes to say, he could say in
three sentences.
Sometimes a woman feels abandoned and makes herself crazy
wondering where her man is and what he’s feeling, when he’s simply
focused on work. Things and people that fit their goals make their way into
a masculine person’s world. Other things don’t get any attention.
His purpose is paramount. When a man feels “on purpose,” he feels
more powerful in every aspect of his life. Without this, it’s hard for him to
focus on anything else, just like we feel when love isn’t flowing. In these
moments, he retreats or reacts if we ask him for more love. Our best bet is
to support him in knowing and achieving his purpose, giving him the space
and inspiration to come around by keeping our hearts open.
DRIVE
He’s more than directed. He’s driven. The masculine likes and needs to
achieve things, or he feels like less of a man. He likes to conquer, and that
includes you.
Don’t get scared. Just like the riverbank providing healthy direction to a
flowing river, his “conquering” you can be a conscious, mutual dance.
Overtake his ability to conquer and you may not get very far with him, if
you “get him” at all.
These days, I see so many women approaching men like they’re on a
“hunt.” Certain clients call and ask me about four men in 15 minutes.
Where’s the heart connection? Their pursuits often feel desperate to me.
Sometimes, a man may succumb to a woman pursuing him. But in
general, they see this type of women as an “easy fuck,” and then move on to
someone they fall in love with, to someone who makes them feel more
masculine. They want to chase us, and they don’t want a woman to start
directing their lives. Since the start of a relationship establishes a pattern,
her initial pursuit can feel unappealing to him in the long term.
Competition with other men for your attention feels natural to him too.
The masculine understands friendly competition, and so he goes out for a
drink with the guy who just beat him at a race. For women, competition for
love is toxic because it goes against our innate nurturing nature and
reinforces the distorted feminine on the planet. So, don’t compete with
another woman for a man you want.
If you’re a woman “looking for love,” you allow him to compete and
drive towards you by keeping your options open. Flirt with and even date
different men, if they pursue you. I don’t recommend sleeping around, but
until you enter an exclusive and committed relationship, you demonstrate
self-love by allowing yourself choices. It helps you get clear on your needs
and desires, and it gives the men the message that you’re highly valued. This
makes them want to chase; it excites their masculine. Keep your heart open
and smile but don’t make it too easy. This challenge is what inspires a man
who’s available to commit.
If you’re already dating or married, he still wants to drive. It’s easy to get
into your comfort zone and start taking charge. While you may have aspects
of your household or your life that you handle best, try not to rub his nose
in it. Instead, involve him in these things as little as possible. When it comes
to romance, keep some mystery so he comes looking for you.
When it comes to you, he doesn’t like to lose. This is why most men
choose “easier” women over amazing ones. By “easier,” I don’t necessarily
mean easy to get in bed. I mean simpler women who don’t challenge him.
Men hate to disappoint us, and if he feels your standards are too high, he
may go elsewhere. It can be a sign for you to relax and appreciate more, or it
may mean he just doesn’t share your capacity for connection.
His desire to win also applies in conversation. If you’re critical, he goes
into competition and the attraction gets zapped. Challenging him is good
but do it from the space of knowing his capacity and inviting him there. Do
it with playfulness and it turns him on.
Let him conquer you with love. Play with this dance, and your chosen
man will always feel excitement when he remembers how it felt to “get you.”
40 WATTS
He’s simpler than you think. My psychic teachers used to compare men
and women to light bulbs. If the masculine is a 40-watt bulb, the feminine is
140 watts. Neither one is better; this just explains how simple or complex
we each are, and how our creative energy works.
For example, because all women are wired to make babies, we all need
and have this extra “juice.” Our amazing creativity is meant to go anywhere
but towards a man. It’s incredibly attractive when he sees it, yet incredibly
overwhelming when he receives it. As if you plugged his 40-watt bulb into a
140-watt socket. This can cause him to lose track of his masculinity, to run
away or feel crazy.
On the other hand, 40 watts feels “heavy” to the feminine. Yet it’s right
where he needs to be—simple, one thing at a time, bullet points. But to us it
feels empty, boring, depressing. All of a sudden, we feel this way if we take
on his stuff (consciously or not) in attempt to heal him. This is why I
advocate regular energy clearing and balancing!
Masculine + Feminine =
Side by side make magic.
All mixed up make mud.
The dance of these energies is profound. Just listen to a choir or band.

It’s the low notes that make the high notes more beautiful and vice versa.
This depth is almost impossible to achieve with only one or the other. And
each has to be 100% itself for this to happen.
FIRMNESS
As we feel his firmness, we soften. As we relax and open, he gets hard.

We crave each other and become opposites only so we can become one.
In nature, the riverbank, mountains, trees, and penetrating sun all bring
firmness. Because of them, water flows, flowers grow, and people and
animals light up with joy. Some landscapes are more feminine or more
masculine, but all have a bit of each.
Firmness shows up in a picture frame, in a task list, or a bold statement.
It’s in company policies that allow more business to flow. It’s in that strong
massage or guiding hand. To the feminine feeling nature, it provides
comfort, clarity, and support.
PRACTICE: Go into Nature and Observe the Masculine
Go into nature, put your phone away, and get quiet. If you’re in a city, do your
best to find a park or get out of town for a day or weekend. Notice riverbanks,
rocks, the penetrating sun, the primal masculine in animals, and more. When
you’re done, write down what you noticed about the masculine.
Notes
PRESENCE
While the feminine radiates love and light, the masculine witnesses it.
His consciousness is essential if he is to serve us. His presence is what allows
him to chase a goal effectively. Too much movement or multi-tasking takes
him off his game.
A feminine spiritual practice may include dancing, singing, or heart-
based devotion. By contrast, the masculine sits and counts his breaths,
allowing everything to fade into nothing. The part of each of us that can
witness our thoughts and emotions without engaging them is the masculine
part.
“This is why God invented garages,” my psychic teacher used to say. The
masculine needs to tinker, he needs to shut his brain off or go where it’s
quiet. He needs time with just men, and he needs pursuits that are all about
the goal. This “sharpens his edge,” so to speak.
His presence is an edge because it cuts through illusion; it penetrates our
B.S. and goes straight to the heart. When we die, there will be nothing left
but our heart’s experience. And so, the masculine is not afraid of death,
literal or symbolic. His still space of presence contains nothing and so allows
everything.
When our feminine emotions inevitably erupt, a highly evolved man
holds space for us. A less evolved man gets overwhelmed, runs away, or tries
to “fix” or advise us. Any of these choices feel terrible to a woman, and her
emotions usually intensify.
But when a man can offer us this space of witness—we can cry, rage, or
freak out and it’s done in 10 minutes. This feels so good! Like a sudden
storm, we demand reverence but not reaction. A man who tries to fix our
storm is a like someone trying to stop a tornado with a garden hose. If he
doesn’t simply drop into presence, he takes on our feelings but can’t handle
them.
This is why women’s feelings get a bad rap. But, with awareness, it’s
another reminder of how masculine and feminine can truly support each
other.
PRACTICE: Presence Meditation
As we get into Part 5, it will be important to embody your inner masculine at

times. This way, you can best support your feminine and attract a man’s
consciousness.
While the feminine wakes up through embodiment, sensuality, and devotional
practices, the masculine is activated through presence. So, here is a meditation to
assist you in centering there:
• Sit quietly, breathe, and ground yourself.

• Now, notice the part of you that is aware. No matter what’s going
on in your life, head, or emotions, “you” are not that stuff. As the “you”
that’s aware of it all, take a seat right behind your physical eyes.
• Imagine you’re in a bubble of light or meditation room. Perhaps
decorate this space as your own, so this space feels clear and light and open.
It doesn’t matter that your physical head is only so big. Let your sanctuary
be vast enough to contain the infinite, all knowing, ever powerful, and
creative being that you are.
• See who might be in the bubble or room with you. If there’s no one,
great. If you have company, ask them to honor your space and step outside.
Generally, that works, but if they don’t leave, ask them why they’re there.
Usually they want answers or something they think you have. You can let
them know you’ll call them later or remind them that all their best
answers are in their own head, not yours.
• If you have a visitor that still persists, consider getting playful.
Dress them in a funny outfit or play some music that drives them away,
for example. It’s your head so you make the rules!
• Notice—are there busy thoughts or conversations racing around in
that head of yours? Imagine being in the “eye of the hurricane,” and allow
your light to simply push all of it outside your bubble for now.
• Stay in this space, clearing it out, or enjoying the quiet as long as
you’d like.
• When you’re done, fill in with a gold sun.
PROTECTION
He naturally has your back. A man that doesn’t do this for the women
and children he loves is disconnected from his masculine side. A loving,
conscious man will hold your hand crossing the street, he’ll be sure your car
has gas and that you go the doctor when you’re sick.
On the other hand, if a man has unprocessed emotions like anger or fear
or jealousy, his “protection” might come across as too intense. When my
sister was in college and her two guy friends came over late at night, my dad
showed up outside with an axe. He didn’t know they were coming and so
jumped into action when he heard them. It was his primal instinct.
Most men have bigger, stronger bodies than we do, and they have
historically fought to protect and provide for us. In modern life, women
don’t face as many dangers, but the masculine instinct is still there.
Oftentimes, it’s a conscious man protecting a woman from the less
conscious men out there. For example, a brother protects his sister from a
toxic boyfriend. As one of my conscious male friends says, “Men need to
hold other men accountable.”
Meanwhile, it’s best that we women don’t resist his protective nature. If
it’s too intense or distorted, we can graciously let him know. Otherwise, our
accepting his protection makes him feel good, and it brings out more of his
wonderful masculine qualities.
PRACTICE: Where Do You Receive Healthy Masculine Energy in
Your Life?
Write about where you’ve experienced the energies mentioned in the above
chapters, either from men or from life in general.
Direction
Drive
40 Watts
Firmness
Presence
Protection
Part 5
THE DANCE OF FEMININE AND MASCULINE WITHIN
Now that we’ve explored the qualities of the true masculine and true
feminine, let’s consider how they work together within you. Making friends with
both sides of yourself activates your creativity, brings life balance, and sets you up
for success in relationships.
There’s been a recent movement to awaken the Divine Feminine, which is
lovely and needed, yet in the process many women have rejected their inner
masculine. This has also happened in reaction to the unhealthy side of patriarchy.
Unfortunately, this is impossible to sustain and just doesn’t attract the best in the
men around you.
On the other hand, operating from your masculine by default—because that
feels safer or because the culture rewards it—tends to limit what you can receive
in love and life.
Even once you embrace both sides of yourself, it can be confusing to know…
When to turn on your masculine and when not to? What happens if you’re in your
masculine at the “wrong” moment? How do you smoothly navigate the various
roles you play in life?
There’s a yin in the yang and a yang in the yin. Knowing the deepest
motivations of both masculine and feminine will reveal the hidden key to balance
on either side. Let’s discover.
EMPTINESS AND FULLNESS
The masculine in each of us seeks emptiness and the feminine in each of

us craves fullness. And it’s a Universal law that every empty space will be
filled.
This is why we women tend to busy ourselves with conversation, food,
shopping, and activity. It’s the reason men turn to fishing trips, meditation
cushions, or golf courses. Most men need regular time to shut the world off
for a while.
If he were just like us, chattering and multi-tasking and creating
constantly, we might feel safe and “at home” with him, as if we’re with a
girlfriend. By contrast, hearing about his solo camping trip to the wilderness
on a motorcycle turns us on. We are drawn to his edge, his presence, his
courage—in a very primal way. This energy in him protects us. His wildness
awakens our wildness. And his consciousness penetrates our heart like
nothing else.
As women, we need emptiness too. Not in the same way as men, though
a little “me-time” can be really welcome. Mainly, we need a regular way to
move our emotions and to release all the energy we naturally take on. When
we don’t do this, we tend to gain weight, get depressed, and creatively shut
down.
We are meant to receive and create but we cannot do either one when
we’re already full. So, it takes practice and attention to keep cultivating space
in our bodies and lives. Personally, I clear my energy each day through
meditation, I move my body regularly, and I journal and pray as a way to
feel emotions as they arise. Because emotions are stored in the body, we
cannot just talk or think or visualize them away.
Just as we’re drawn to a man in his emptiness, he’s attracted to our
fullness. Our voluptuous expression of pleasure, our creative spark, our
softness pulsing open like a flower excite him.
WE ALL HAVE BOTH SIDES
Each of us has both masculine and feminine qualities. The feminine part
of a man may be feeling-oriented, and the masculine part of a woman may
be very driven. Ideally, each of us would embrace ALL parts of ourselves,
and then consciously choose which qualities to express in any given moment.
A woman generally needs her masculine at work, just as a father needs his
feminine to nurture his children. We need a bit of each other’s qualities to
understand each other, and so we don’t come together out of neediness.
The fun starts when you feel whole inside, because then and only then
can you surrender certain parts of yourself and let your partner embody
them. If they are doing the same, your energies dance together beautifully.
You both feel empowered and yet elevated, so overjoyed to play together.
PRACTICE: Circulating Earth and Cosmic Energy Meditation
One great way to activate the masculine and feminine within you is to
connect to both aspects in meditation. Some cultures refer to “Mother Earth” and
“Father Sky,” and these energies are always available. You just need to tap in.
Here’s a meditation to support you.
• Sit with your feet flat on the floor and spine straight. Close your eyes.
• Become aware of the spot right below your tailbone. There is an
energetic center here called your root chakra, or first chakra. It allows you to
feel safe in the world.
• From this root chakra, create your waterfall or tree trunk, and
snuggle your hips down into your seat. Let this grounding cord be as wide as
your hips and connected to both you and the center of the earth. Exhale, soften,
and allow yourself to release any stress down your grounding cord.
• Rub your feet on the floor for a minute. Even with shoes on and even
if you’re on the tenth floor of a building, you should be able to feel a little
“tingle” in the soles of your feet. There are energy centers (chakras) there as
well. Think of them like spirals that begin to draw energy in from the earth,
up through your legs.
• Imagine what color this earth energy is. Anything but white, brown
black or grey can work-- and earth tones are often nice. Allow this colored
light to flow up each leg, through the hips and the root chakra and down your
grounding cord. This light is clearing and healing all the spaces it touches.
• Once you’ve got your earth energy flowing, it will continue as an
automatic loop.
• Now, take a peek up above your head. Imagine a new stream of light
flowing down through your crown. Choose any color in the rainbow that feels
inspiring and healing today.
• Let this light continue down the back of your head and spine,
cascading through two channels—left and right—all the way to the tailbone.
• These streams of cosmic energy converge at your root chakra, along
with the earth energy that’s been coming up the legs.
• Now, as the energies mix, imagine about 20% earth energy and 80%
cosmic energy flowing up the spine, via two channels—left and right. Any
excess energy at your root goes down your grounding cord.
• As the light coming upward reaches your heart and throat, about 10%
branches out to flow down your arms and out your hands. The rest pours out
the crown of your head, cleansing the space around your body before going
down the grounding cord.
• All of this energy continues to flow on “automatic” after you activate
it. I just recommend checking it once a day or when you feel “off,” resetting as
needed. This meditation is so healing, like an energy “shower”!
• When you feel ready, create a gold sun above your head. Use the gold
sun as a magnet to draw your energy back from anywhere you got scattered,
then let it flood your body and aura with light.
YOUR WOUNDED MASCULINE ATTRACTS HIS
In my twenties, a guy I was dating called in excitement. “Guess what I

just found in the dumpster?” he began.
Eyebrows raised, I said the obligatory, “What?”
“A new mattress!” he finished proudly.
“Ahh,” I said nonchalantly. Inside, I got crystal clear. I wouldn’t be
sleeping over at his place.
Remembering how his hand shook as he wrote a $12 check for his share
of the other night’s dinner, I could imagine his thinking. He was saving
hundreds of dollars perhaps, by not having to buy a mattress new.
While I wasn’t in such survival myself (I had some financial assistance
from my family back then), I “matched” his energy in that I had no idea
how to support myself in the world at that time. I floated through my days
playing music, meditating, drinking coffee, and journaling. At the time, I
didn’t see how my un-evolved inner masculine was attracting the same in
my romantic prospects.
Around the same time, an older and wiser friend tried to set me up with
a successful friend of hers. That “type” of man was so off my radar, I didn’t
even see what she was doing until halfway through our dinner. Needless to
say, I was not interested.
Today my clients who attract “deadbeat” guys often have some healing
to do in relationship to their inner masculine. Many of these women have
highly evolved feminine energy, or are actively cultivating it, and can’t figure
out why they’re attracting these types of guys.
Remember, attraction is based simultaneously in polarity and sameness.
The “sameness” factor is why if you aren’t dealing with your money and
goals, with a healthy sense of structure in your life—he won’t be either. It’s
practically impossible to attract something you don’t have in yourself! A
successful man wants your softness and radiance, yet he doesn’t want you to
be helpless or all over the place. He wants you to hold your own.
So, if you’re one of those sensual, feminine, radiant women who can’t
find a successful, masculine man, have a look at your inner masculine. That
may be the missing piece for you. Integrate this part of yourself and look out
—magic may happen!
An upcoming Practice, “Where Do You Need to Use Your Masculine?”
will help you think through this transition. But first…
LIFE SOMETIMES REQUIRES YOUR MASCULINE
One day, I was hiking alone, and some “gangster” type of guys appeared
nearby. I lived in quite a safe area, but my radar went off, and I knew it
wasn’t the moment to sway down the hill with a soft smile and low-cut top.
I turned on my phone and had it on hand as I ran down the trail. I kept
my cool and grounded myself, yet I was driven. I knew my goal—to get out
of their sight and protect myself.
Maybe these guys were harmless. However, the inner masculine in me
loved me too much to take a chance.
Some women take the idea of Divine Feminine awakening too far, and
they are afraid to turn on their fierceness. Listen, it’s really ok. It doesn’t
mean you’re not a radiant woman open for love. It just means you had a
moment where some other energy was needed. Your empowerment is in not
needing a man to provide it.
That’s the moment you can choose to let him. That’s the moment he can
choose you, because your claws aren’t sinking into him. He feels his
freedom, and he feels safe to come towards you. You’ll be amazed at how
showing your full range as a human, while mostly being your glowing
feminine self, will work wonders in his heart.
PRACTICE: Where Do You Need to Use Your Masculine?
You may need more inner masculine in handling your money, in your self-
protection, life structure, or direction. Write down how you will attend to this.
Notes
WHEN HE COMPETES WITH YOU
As much as you need your healthy inner masculine to attract a great

man, it’s an art finding how and when to express that masculine energy.
When your primary expression is masculine, he treats you like “one of the
guys.” He may see you as a work colleague but not as a sexual being. He may
see you as a “brother” or he may compete with you.
Would you prefer to see these aspects of his masculinity—or the man in
him that protects, provides, and cherishes? He has it all, just like you have
many dimensions to your energy. Which parts of yourself you show him
influences which parts of himself he shows you, and vice versa.
While growing up in school and in the culture as a whole, most of us
got praised for our smarts and our achievements. We’ve learned to lead with
“Here’s what I do” and “here’s what I think.” These are mostly masculine
approaches, and to a culture that has feared and repressed the feminine, they
feel safer.
They have a place. But they aren’t the best method for creating romance.
So, if your man is competing with you, challenging you, or relating to you
mentally but not emotionally or sensually—it’s your job to lead the way.
It scrambles our brains, most of us… the idea that we can “lead” without
thinking or doing. Trust me. Your sharing your feelings, your sensual
responses, or your intuition will inspire him to change course. You lead
when you do something different that inspires someone else to do
something different. We women are born for this.
HOW TO SWITCH GEARS BETWEEN ROLES
A client came to me because of stress with her husband. Besides having

two kids and a house to manage, they’d started a business together, and so
the two were working nearly every second they were together. There were so
many things that needed done, they’d stopped seeing each other as lovers!
I advised the wife to stop all work at 8 pm when the kids went to bed.
At this time each night, she put on a new outfit, rubbed some essential oils
on her body, and danced. Sure enough, her husband started to see her
differently.
Some rare couples can pull it off, working together and maintaining
romance. And many of us don’t have that problem because our work or daily
life is separate from our partner’s. Still, it’s amazing how our “work self ”
spills over into our personal life. Single women might easily stay in “work
mode” if there’s no one to go home to at the end of the day. It’s especially a
problem with modern technology keeping us all “on” all the time.
Most of us, men and women, use more of our masculine at work. But if
you want to attract your partner’s masculine energy and you’re already being
that—you’re setting things up to either repel him, override him, or fight
with him. Oops!
It may seem annoying that you have to do this but every woman I know
who’s followed this advice has enjoyed the end result. When you finish your
workday, consciously switch gears. Jump into that proverbial phone booth,
take off your business suit, and put on your Wonder Woman outfit (or
whatever feminine version of yourself that you want to be that night). Bring
your sensuality into this ritual, whether that means taking a shower, doing
yoga, gathering flowers, or making sounds. Your man will thank you for it,
and I think you’ll enjoy how it makes you feel!
PRACTICE: Act Out and Embody Your Inner Masculine and
Feminine
Have some fun with this one! No one’s looking.

Go to your closet and pick out clothes that make you feel feminine. Try them
on and look in the mirror, even dance a bit if you like. Experiment with different
postures, tones of voice, makeup, essential oils, etc. How does the feminine you feel,
look and move?
Now become your inner masculine. Which clothes, stances, thoughts or feelings
best express the masculine within you?
Once you’ve explored each of these, you’ll be ready when either energy is needed
in the course of your day, because you’ll remember what it feels like.
FREEDOM AND LOVE
“Come on, ravish me already!” is the psychic message so many women

put out. They may not say it out loud to a man. But they tell me, and they
tell their girlfriends. “Why isn’t it happening?” they wail.
It goes back to your connection with love itself. If you want a man to
“take you,” let yourself be “taken” by life. Be in reverence of life’s wonders,
open to direction, soft in your heart.
By contrast, most of us close down and over-focus, especially when we’re
in pain. In those moments, we:
• Hold onto very specific pictures of how our relationships
“should be”
• Try to “fix” the men in our lives
• Stuff our feelings, trying to maintain the illusion of control
• Resist support or guidance
• Over-analyze
In doing any of the above, we kill the thing we’re trying to find. Men are
attracted to women who are open, expressive, and receptive. They appreciate
when we’re receptive to them but it’s even better when we open our hearts
to life. When we do that, it’s easy to be open to any one person anyway.
A woman whose life is full of wonder and adventure, who feels fully, is
very attractive. A woman devoted to the God in her own heart—to love and
faith in something beyond life’s little details—has an easy time surrendering
in love and attracting someone worthy of that surrender.
And, what the masculine most desires is not shiny hair or perky breasts
or a great cook. It’s freedom.
This is why lots of women try so hard on the external level and wonder
why they can’t keep a man. This is why when we focus more on devotion to
love itself, a specific man has more space to come forward than when we
focus on him or our expectations specifically.
Yes, the external is important. But when a man feels our internal
freedom, on some level he feels his own and he deeply relaxes. When he is
not penned in, he wants to enter!
As women, we can list all the masculine qualities that excite us, but our
bottom line #1 desire is simply to feel love and life’s fullness. So besides
strong muscles and a good salary, if he also embraces love and life, we fall
hard.
If a man is afraid of life, he’ll be afraid of women, and we’ll be turned
off by him. By living as if he might die tomorrow, he’ll realize what really
matters and live his truth with courage. No woman would scare him.
Have you noticed that women love successful men? We also love men
who go for their goals no matter what. It’s not just about the money.
Women love men who are centered in their power, fearlessly living their
heart’s purpose.
Because when men are strong inside, even if they don’t always do what
we want, we can really relax. Ahh! That’s why men who bend over
backwards to please women don’t really please us.
As I mentioned earlier, there is a little yin in the yang and yang in the
yin. Because of this, we can follow all the “rules” about being feminine or
masculine and still miss something. For women, that something is having
your internal freedom, even while you are feminine on the outside.
For men, the secret is internal sensitivity. With enough sensitivity, he
can feel just what his woman needs and give her that in a masculine way.
Otherwise, he could be the strongest man and she’d be too irritated at his
cluelessness to appreciate it.
For men and women alike, the key is in the heart, in love. Letting love
lead no matter what.
For the feminine, letting love lead looks more like surrender, openness,
and vulnerability—with just enough discernment to choose what to open to.
The Divine Masculine feels into the heart (his and others’) and then acts
fearlessly in service to those feelings.
If we were all the same, we might never be attracted enough to know
the “zing” of love fulfilled, and that’s the fun of it! On the other hand, if we
forgot our hearts, we’d just be needy people drugging ourselves with
externally fulfilling relationships.
Part 6
FROM “YES DEAR” TO ANGRY FEMINISM TO MUTUAL
EMPOWERMENT
Ok, we’ve defined the true feminine and masculine qualities. Now it’s time to
look at how they’ve been distorted or rejected. Part 6 takes us on a journey from
our grandparents’ (“ Yes, Dear”) generation through angry feminism on into
today.
Here’s where we look at a relationship model beyond both co-dependence and
independence. What does mutual empowerment for both masculine and feminine
really look like—especially if we are honoring the essence of each, and not just
attempting “sameness” for the sake of equality?
Through stories, discussion, and experiential practices, this next section gives
you a chance to uncover your personal relationship patterns and how they tie into
larger cultural patterns. If you’ve been confused as to how to do things better,
you’re not alone!
Let me be your guide to a new way.
DISTORTIONS OF THE FEMININE
As beautiful as the true feminine can be, the distorted feminine can be
ugly. Here are some of the ways it plays out:
• Neediness. In the “Yes Dear” era, a woman wasn’t allowed to
have her own work, money, or vote. No wonder women learned to be
needy! Besides depending on a man for practical survival, this tendency
also shows up in a woman needy for love and affection.
• Helplessness. Disconnected from her voice, she assumes others
will read her mind instead of asking directly for what she wants. She
acts like a little girl who needs rescuing.
• Emotional manipulation. A woman who feels disempowered
shows up with a “taking” energy. At the extreme, she steals or lies to get
her way. On a more subtle level, her compliments and “help” feel “sticky”
or “off ” somehow. Everyday conversation with her leaves you “on guard”
because you sense an agenda that she’s not telling you.
• Competition and catty behavior. Walking into a new group of
women, have you ever felt “checked out” instead of welcomed? Have you
experienced the pain of girls gossiping or forming cliques, or have you
done this yourself? Have you felt doomed because another woman was
prettier or more confident than you? It can be exhausting and
devastating to always feel you’ll never measure up, or to feel constant
pressure to be the “best.” These dynamics, along with the other
distortions mentioned here, can erode your self-love and make
relationships with other women feel unsafe.
• Craziness, out of control volatility. Women get a bad rap for
being crazy, and I often think of this as the “river without a riverbank”
phenomenon. Whether it’s a lack of supportive men in her life, a
disconnection from her internal masculine or both, feeling boundless all
the time can make her crazy. On the flip side, a woman whose emotions
have been repressed, perhaps due to trauma or conditioning, has a hard
time expressing them in a healthy way. She either implodes or explodes.
• Hypersensitivity. Some women are so impressionable, receptive,
and intuitive that they don’t know how to manage it. It can be
overwhelming to the point of us feeling crazy, over-reacting or
toughening ourselves. In my younger years, I rejected and mistrusted my
femininity, largely for this reason. Learning meditation and other
awareness practices, like the ones I share in this book, allowed me to use
my sensitivity instead of letting it use me.
• Inappropriate mothering or caretaking. This is where a woman
is stuck in the “Mother” archetype by default, even when it’s not
appropriate. I remember a past partner who wouldn’t let me do his
laundry because he didn’t want to see me as a mother figure. I
appreciated his consciousness, and we never had a problem in the
bedroom! By contrast, a woman who nurtures her man at every
opportunity robs him of his ability to work things out for himself. She
also tends to over-give, depleting herself as well as robbing herself of the
pleasure and wisdom inherent in her other feminine aspects.
• Scattered, overly superficial, or talking non-stop. Because of
the fluid, light, and changeable nature of the feminine, an ungrounded
woman might seem to be “all over the place.” It’s like she has diarrhea of
the mouth, going on and on about trivial details. She gossips and over-
focuses on material things or on what others are doing. She doesn’t seem
to know who she is. Historically, I think this tendency stems from the
lack of permission for women to live a deep life, as most got locked into
the role of mother and household manager. As a result, they had to keep
up with all these details.
DISTORTIONS OF THE MASCULINE
Like the feminine, masculine energy also has its dark side. I share these
shadow aspects as a means of shining the light and freeing ourselves from
their unconscious pull. They are sadly familiar to so many of us. Here’s how
the distorted masculine can show up:
• He’s overly responsible, with the world on his shoulders. The
true masculine loves to protect and provide, however sometimes he
over-gives. He’s the breadwinner and takes care of whatever she needs at
all costs, even at the expense of his sleep, sanity, or self-care. With the
exception of occasional periods of need (such as following the birth of a
child), this pattern can indicate deep-seated fears around his self-worth.
He may be trying to “prove it” to his dad or the culture. He may feel like
he won’t be loved if he doesn’t “perform.”
• Avoids intimacy. It’s too scary. It might wake up feelings he’s
not used to feeling. He’s not sure if these feelings are ok. So, he chooses
“easy,” shallow relationships, long-distance relationships, or none at all.
• Insensitive and unemotional. I get a lot of complaints about
this. He has no clue what she’s feeling. She pours out her heart, is
obviously suffering, or has just shared for 20 minutes. He pats her on the
back and changes the subject, as if to brush it all away. It’s not his nature
to go on and on about emotions but it IS his nature to be present. This
goes for his own emotions as well as hers. If he cannot witness and hold
a safe container for them, he’s off-balance.
• Domineering. If he’s uncomfortable with his inner feminine or
feels unworthy as a man, he will not be able to “have” her feminine
power. Faced with these feelings, a loving and conscious man will avoid
her. A less evolved man will manipulate to keep her down, try to “fix”
her emotions, or make them wrong, and-- at worst—abuse or control
her.
• “Grin and bear it” attitude, where he can never be vulnerable.
He goes on with what needs to be done even when he wants to collapse
into a ball. He says he’s “fine” when he’s not. There’s no one he can really
talk to, really share the pain in his heart. On the same note, he guards
his desire and his tenderness. He never learned it was “ok” for a man to
show these types of feelings. And whether “good” or “bad,” unexpressed
emotions make us tense, tired, and ill.
• Uses sex to “dump” energy into a woman. I think this is
underneath many women’s complaints about sex with men. They can’t
put their finger on it, but they feel disconnected and used. It’s not
necessarily due to lack of love on his part, it’s just that he doesn’t know
how to release his stress otherwise. The culture hasn’t shown him. He
might work out or yell or drink beer but that only scratches the surface.
Besides sex with you, if his energy gets too bottled up, he turns to other
addictions that allow him to “dump” it out.
• Expecting a woman to cater to him. This is same energy as in
the last bullet above, only in this case you become his assistant. He
dumps tasks and problems on you, expecting you to manage the house
and social calendar, and also listen to his work challenges. Of course, it’s
lovely when partners support each other. However, it’s off-balance when
he expects you to do it for him at your own expense, or without
reciprocation or appreciation.
• Being a little boy needing Mommy. Unlike my past partner
who wouldn’t let me do his laundry, some men are really looking for
“Mommy.” While this is generally subconscious, it’s prevalent and shows
up when he asks you for money, lacks his own direction, or is
exceedingly clingy. These men are also more likely to cheat, run away, or
keep their relationship options open—either because they’re afraid of
having no one or because they’re unsure they can “man up” and be
accountable in the ways we need.
DISTORTIONS OF THE RELATIONSHIP
What’s the difference between healthy masculine/feminine polarity and

distorted patriarchy? If the dynamic is “I do X for him and he does Y for
me,” that’s a sign to check in. Is this pattern of relating based in choice or
compromise?
Is she doing X for him because she has it in abundance to give, or
because it’s expected of her? Does her giving stem from her programming,
his need, or her natural creative expression? Does it feel good?
It’s the same for him. If “serving her” requires him to relinquish his
purpose or presence or drive, he’s serving her from co-dependence and not
from wholeness.
If either partner expects the other to fill a hole in their lives, they are
setting themselves up for disappointment. Even if it works temporarily,
fulfilling someone else’s need all the time is exhausting. Eventually,
bitterness sets in, generally on both sides. There’s no room for compromise
in true love.
He can blame her for their dynamic, but it may be his pattern. She can
blame him and avoid responsibility, claiming victimhood. No matter how it
shakes out, there’s no fault. This is epidemic and it’s solved best by finding a
new way.
“How can we live without compromise?” you may wonder. “Life isn’t
perfect.”
This is where it’s important to choose wisely. With a conscious partner,
with a fairly developed sense of self, you have enough basis in love to find
acceptance where things come up that you don’t prefer.
True acceptance is vastly different from compromise. You retain all your
life force as you accept something, and it tends to affect you less negatively.
Compromise feels bad from the very beginning. At its core, it requires
division and separates you from your essential nature, not to mention from
your partner and all life.
So, should you serve him a meal? That depends. Is cooking and sharing
food a joy and a gift that you have? Then yes, that meal is a beautiful
expression of your light. There are subtleties to this, and even a woman who
loves to cook has days where she’d rather someone else do it. Those are the
times to say, “I’d love to go out to dinner tonight!” Slow down and feel your
feelings regularly, so you can be fluid and authentic. When you avoid getting
stuck in a rut, it also gives him an opportunity to practice presence.
Even “good” partners sometimes go into default mode dictated by
programming or habit, so both men and women need time to reflect. Each
of you consciously embodying certain roles moment to moment is beautiful,
freeing, and fulfilling when you do it. This is a practice, so please be patient
with yourselves. Meanwhile, next up is an exercise to help you remember
what’s not working.
PRACTICE: How Have You Experienced the Distorted Feminine
and Masculine?
Now that we’ve looked at some unhealthy expressions of both masculine and
feminine, record some ways you’ve experienced each. Consider times you’ve
personally expressed them or experienced them in your personal relationships as
well as in the world around you.
Notes
HOW THE FEMININE HAS GONE UNSEEN
Over the years, this has been one of women’s biggest challenges. We
offer so much in terms of energy, which has mostly been ignored or devalued
on the planet. Our love, our patience, our spiritual light, and our receptivity
are all HUGE gifts to the masculine—but they are hard to measure. We can
even overlook them ourselves!
Many women complain that men don’t appreciate all they do. For
example, your husband might take for granted the practical tasks that
women have traditionally done, like cooking and cleaning. These things
don’t bring money in, and he’s not there to see how long they take, so they
may seem less important. But ask a divorced man who once had these
things done for him and now doesn’t! He now knows their value.
We bring that extra sparkle to everything. We give so much to our
families and friends. We buy the gifts and we plan the parties. We calmly
listen to his work problems, we hold the vision for his greatness, and we’ll
love him or push him when no one else will. But again, these “jobs” don’t
bring in money. They don’t seem to count when someone asks, “What do
you do?” at a party.
To do all we do, we need to nurture ourselves and cultivate our radiance.
If you’re reading this and thinking, “Radiance? What’s that?” then this part
is for you! We may feel guilty about taking the time and money to get
massages, go to the spa, or put on makeup or a cute outfit. Yet, it’s no one’s
fault. It’s been our cultural agreement that feminine energy is less
important, less seen.
At some point, most women have felt hurt by this, and we’ve
compensated by numbing ourselves. Our pain says: why should we let
ourselves feel our yearning to be cherished when we are bound to be let
down?
Maybe we should pretend we don’t need it? Maybe we should just “suck
it up” and do all we do, whether they thank us or not? After all, aren’t we
supposed to work hard to get or keep a man? Or maybe we should act like
“one of the guys,” like a business partner?
If only these things worked, they might be easier. But they don’t!
A conscious man will recognize the value of our gifts. Meanwhile, as
women, we can adore ourselves for all that we offer. As we release our self-
dismissal and relax into self-worth, any man around us will start
appreciating us more.
HOW THE MASCULINE HAS BEEN REJECTED
Consider all the harm the distorted masculine has done on the planet.
Now think about all the anger, rage, bitterness, fear, pain, and hurt the
feminine has held towards the masculine in general. Due to her emotional
pain, the wounded feminine has rarely been able to see straight. It’s hard for
her to see the goodness in men, even when they express the healthiest of
masculine energy. She takes things so seriously and blows their “mistakes”
out of proportion. She shakes in fear and her fangs come out when she feels
any edge at all from him.
So, he cowers. He becomes that weak, flow-y, new-age guy that worships
the Goddess. He eats vegan and does yoga and speaks softly about his
“process.”
Imagine a good, conscious man who has healthy testosterone levels.
Because he’s a good man, he’s aware of all the pain women have faced, and
he doesn’t want to cause any more of it. His masculine may feel pushed
away and rejected by the wounded feminine.
He may wonder, “Is it ok to tell her she looks nice?” “Can I ask her out
or should I ‘respect’ her space?” He may feel some raw, primal desires that
he’s pretty sure she wouldn’t be “ok” with. And so, he turns to porn,
masturbation, or an “easy” woman whom he has little connection with.
Does this nurture anyone’s heart? Of course not. Does this give women
what they really want? No, it’s simply a Band-aid. It increases separation
between men and women. And it hurts because it dishonors and suppresses
life force.
As for this “good” man… if he’s lucky, he has a few close friends to talk
with. Even better, he has a men’s group or a mentor. But if he’s like many
men, he doesn’t have anyone he can be “real” around, just guys he can chat
with about work and sports or have a drink with. Our culture hasn’t offered
much in the way of healthy masculine role models. When it comes to the
tough stuff, men are supposed to “man up.” Vulnerability is seen as a
weakness.
I am seeing a new wave of men’s groups and programs teaching skills for
the healthy masculine. It seems that we have a long way to go before most
men have this type of support. Meanwhile, understand that your guy may be
hurting inside, just as you’ve been. Your compassion means more to him
than you know.
PRACTICE: How Have You Experienced the Rejected Masculine?
Have you ever rejected the masculine? Have you seen this happening in your
environment? Or, have you noticed this in the men around you? Reflect on your
experiences here.
Notes
MEN’S SENSITIVITY IS KEY
I’d been talking to some male friends about this book, and about how
the Divine Feminine wants the Divine Masculine to come forward. In the
same conversation, we were talking about different ways of relating and I
mentioned I was “tactile.” I was simply telling stories, as we all were.
At the end of that night, one man who was new to our community
reached out and touched my shoulder on our way out. That alone would
have been ok, but it continued for the next week. Every time he got within
reach of me, even when I didn’t say hi or look at him or anything, he
touched me. I had zero romantic interest in him, and I thought that was
pretty clear. It got to the point where I started positioning myself on the
other side of the room so it wouldn’t happen.
After a few days of my dodging him, I ended up standing where he
could get to me. I was in a deep conversation with someone else, and he
walked up and touched me again.
“No, thank you,” I said as I backed away.
He looked shocked. I could hardly believe he was so clueless. I realized I
had to talk with him about it.
As we walked out, I said I needed to be direct about something. After
appreciating his seemingly good intentions, I told him the repeated touch
made me uncomfortable. I explained that I wasn’t energetically participating
and so I felt he was coming at me. He apologized and I told him I sensed it
was simply his unawareness, which he acknowledged.
This particular man had a “stunted” energy when it came to
relationships. There was a stiffness in his body, perhaps due to his own
trauma or from trying too hard to be a “man.” I don’t know because I don’t
really know him. However, this experience was enlightening for me and it
brought me a new awareness.
It showed me that masculine sensitivity is key. It is what determines
whether the bold masculine sweeps a woman off her feet or assaults her
with inappropriate gestures. It is what keeps the masculine pure and
enlivening, not distorted and threatening.
It’s important that we support our men in being sensitive. This doesn’t
mean coddle them or ask them how they feel all the time. Instead, be
absolutely sure to give them space and support when they show emotions.
This also means to respond immediately and generously when they do or
don’t display sensitivity to us.
A man who feels his woman moment to moment is an amazing lover. In
or out of bed, let him know when he’s on track—for example, when he gets
you the most thoughtful gift or gives you a break from the kids when you
need it most.
By contrast, if your guy takes you to a party on the night you’re
exhausted, or if he insists on doing another hour of errands before dinner
when you’re starving, go ahead and show your displeasure. One way that
men develop sensitivity is through our feeling responses. If you’re with an
insensitive man, tune in and ask yourself if he truly doesn’t care or just needs
to learn.
Many men have no idea we want them to be sensitive, or that the
benefit is that they get to be uber-masculine once they are. Sensitive is sexy.
You can let him know.
THE COLLECTIVE MYTH THAT MEN ARE DISAPPOINTING
I remember about the thirtieth time I heard myself telling the story. It
was in my friend Leeta’s shop. I walked into the scent of her essential oils,
carrying my then-infant daughter asleep in her pouch, and I found Leeta
there with a client, another woman I knew.
“How’s it going?” one of them asked me.
“It’s stressful. Arthur’s not making enough money. He’s just sitting on
the couch chanting and looking at his iPad, and I’m the one working and
cooking and and…” I stopped.
The client was just looking at me, not agreeing, just holding very neutral.
But I saw what I was doing.
I didn’t say anything at the time, I just dropped my story. And in that
moment, I decided not to repeat the story anymore.
These women were intuitive too. They could feel it, I’m sure. I was
energizing the situation I said I didn’t want through my beliefs and words.
There was some part of me attached to doing it.
When I examined this, I realized there’s been a long-standing
agreement amongst women that says men are disappointing. It’s been true
for many of us. We bond over it.
Even though it’s starting to change, many of us have deep-seated fears
of losing the love from our mothers, our ancestors, or other women if we
break this pattern. We’re afraid to break ties or be disloyal. We’re afraid of
upsetting our friends by choosing not to agree to their stories.
Occasionally, I get a client like this. She wants me to agree to her story
because it somehow comforts her. It’s part of my job to say, “I hear that
story… I’ve been there… Do you want to keep telling it or do you want a
change?”
In my case, I stopped telling the story and as the years went on, Arthur
became more and more successful and supportive—financially and in every
way. He had always wanted to. My disengaging from the programs that said
otherwise helped him do this in the time we were together.
MOVING BEYOND TRANSACTIONAL RELATIONSHIPS
I get why women are disappointed, even outraged. In my grandmother’s

generation, a woman gave up so much of her own identity to be with a man.
Most of them couldn’t work outside the home if they wanted to do so.
Almost all their creativity went into their families. Their money came from
men, so they had little power to leave a bad situation. If they were lucky, he
was kind and provided well. Few had the support to fully express
themselves. The unlucky ones suffered incredibly. Probably the worst of it
was that women hardly knew what they were missing. How can you
imagine what you’ve never had, and don’t see anywhere around you?
In those days, relationships were mainly transactional. She raised the
children and he went to work. She gave him sex and he gave her money. She
gave him support and he gave her status.
I still hear remnants of this mindset today, even in conscious people. For
example, one of my clients yearned for her man to understand her better.
She told me her plan to change it, which went something like this: “Please
give me A and I’ll give you B.” While that sounded so reasonable, I knew he
would resist her giving him “directions.” Besides, it didn’t speak to his heart.
Instead, I suggested she give him a feeling-message about her
experience. For example, “I know you love me. But when you look at your
phone while I’m talking to you, I feel like I’m just talking to myself. I can do
that all day long. I had so much fun with you that day we went out and you
forgot your phone!”
That way, she’s not telling him what to do, she’s simply responding to his
different behaviors. It’s almost a suggestion but the difference is that she’s
giving by sharing feelings instead of taking charge with her mind. Once he
replies, she can then ask him what he needs from her, instead of prematurely
assuming she knows.
That common phrase “It’s a give and take” is old paradigm! I prefer “give
and give.” This way, each person is empowered and valued as they share. And
both get to receive—not from need, but just because it feels good.
PRACTICE: Clearing Energy Cords
Every relationship comes with spoken and unspoken expectations. In the

example above, my client was thinking of directly asking for different behavior
(I’ll give you this and you give me that). Our unspoken agreements can be just as
—if not more—problematic.
Energetically, I see these agreements as “cords” between two people. We might
have cords in the heart, in the tailbone (survival) area, in the low belly (sexual)
center, or other places. Depending on where the cord is, you’ll know the nature of
the agreement.
Generally speaking, ongoing cords between adults are not helpful, and they
can definitely cause problems. We may lightly create a cord in moments of close
connection but then it ideally gets released. Often, cords are subconscious and
invisible until we meditate on them or ask a healer to assist us. Cords indicate
binding. They are a clear indicator that some part of you has agreed to a
transactional, need-based relationship.
NOTE: Energy cords are necessary between a parent and dependent child.
These cords should not be removed, and they may even need strengthening from
time to time.
Here’s a meditation to discover and release any cords between you and others:
• Sit in a comfortable, meditation space and close your eyes.

• Create your grounding cord, exhale, and feel yourself “land” in your
body.
• In your minds’ eye, scan yourself for any cords. Check both the front
and back of your body. You might easily see the cords. Alternately, be aware of
any feeling of a cord plugging into you. This sometimes feels like a “pinch,” an
energy “leak,” or a dull pressure. It’s possible you have no cords but most of us
have some.
• Once you get a sense of a cord connected to you, ask yourself who’s on the
other side. You might see someone’s image pop into your mind, you might trace
the cord to the other end, or you might just feel or know who it is. Whether or
not you know who it’s from, you might have a sense of what it’s about. See
whatever you notice.
• Do NOT remove any cord between you and a dependent child. If it’s
between you and another adult, ask yourself if you’re ready to release this cord.
If not, be kind to yourself and check back later. Otherwise, you can take your
hand to the cord and “imagine” gently twisting it out. What happens on the
other end is up to the other person, so don’t worry about their part. Once
you’ve got it out of you, there are a couple more steps to take.
• Imagine a gold sticky rose and run in through the spot where the cord
was. Let the rose absorb any energy in you that says you need that cord. Notice
what colors, pictures, or messages pop into your head as you do this. When you
feel complete, send the rose off to the edge of the horizon and see it go “poof ” in
your mind’s eye.
• Finally, fill the space where the cord was with gold light, or any other
color that represents your wholeness and balance. This last step is important, so
you don’t repeat the pattern.
• Enjoy, and feel free to do this with any additional cords!
DE-TANGLING FROM MIXED SURVIVAL MESSAGES GIVEN
TO WOMEN
On the one hand, we women have been taught “You need a man to
survive.” That was certainly the case in our grandparents’ generation, and still
is true for many. But since feminism made it popular to fight for our
independence, and since many women have come out with stories of abuse
or harassment, we have a new survival message to contend with. It says:
“You won’t survive if you need a man.”
What’s a woman to do? Our feminine self might like to receive from a
man. It might feel good if he pays the bills or protects us from potential
danger.
Our independent self might reject our feminine desire to receive. She
says, “What if I rely on him for money and then he cheats or hits me or
puts me down? Then I’m screwed. What if I lose myself? It just feels safer to
be in control of it all.”
Whether you’re in a “Yes Dear” relationship or an angry feminist, this
issue is the same. It’s about finding security within first and foremost. When
you’re rooted in self-love, these survival fears no longer apply. As you
connect into your feelings, you will know when you’re with a man capable of
honoring you in all ways. As you explore the exercises in this book, you’ll
un-hook from unhealthy transactional relationships. You may need to do
something or shift something in your energy or way of relating but that will
be because you’ve already chosen to find a new way. I trust this is why you’re
here.
MOVING BEYOND ANGRY FEMINISM
In the 90s, I went to UC Santa Cruz, a progressive hippie mecca. There,

I cannot count how many times I heard something like “Dismantle the
hetero-patriarchal phallocentric” blah blah blah. It was very uncool to be a
feminine woman or a masculine man.
Between this, my mom’s complaints about my dad, and my own pain
with boyfriends, it became easy to blame the masculine. Eventually, I
became a singer/songwriter with heroes like Ani DiFranco and Alanis
Morissette, and I joined an organization called indiegrrl (note the growl in
“grrl”!).
Now, I am all for strong women and I love those artists but there was
definitely an imbalance for me at that time. Rather than expressing the
strength that came from my wholeness, I suppressed my own feminine and
rejected the masculine around me. I became a “warrior,” thinking that meant
a man couldn’t hurt me. Never mind how I hurt myself by putting up so
many walls.
I understand, following the age of “Yes Dear,” how important it was for
women to go to work, to vote, and to claim all the rights that men had. But,
as I see it, the pendulum swung too far.
If you’re currently angry with men, if you’re anxious or even terrified, you
may need to feel these things fully before moving on. In the case of past
trauma—large or small—you probably went “numb” when it happened and
so your feelings got pushed down. Feeling blah, holding extra weight or
resentments, being edgy or protective are signs you’re holding stuff you
didn’t feel safe to process in the first place.
A common fear is that dredging up long-lost pain will cause the trauma
to happen again. The truth is the opposite. Once you finally and safely feel
it, you’ll be free of it for good. So, explore your emotions, and express them
in a healthy way. You don’t have to understand what they’re about to heal
them; in fact, you probably don’t want to remember all the details. That
would be like following the trash truck down the street to see what you
threw out.
How do you access feelings that got stuck? You can journal, dance, cry,
receive bodywork, or beat a pillow. Because of the power of your emotions,
set your intention to express them for the purpose of healing, with harm to
none. Light a candle, say a prayer, or do a visualization along these lines—
whatever makes sense for you.
Then, let it rip. Don’t censor anything from here. If you need to scream,
scream from your heart and stay open. Let yourself tremble or wail. Dive
into the middle of the pain with your whole body. Be willing to get to the
edge of it. Be open to the message or feeling on the other side.
Starting from movement or meditation can help. If your mind is stuck
in a toxic loop, going to the mirror and saying those thoughts “to your face”
can bring their ridiculousness to light. Exaggerating things like you’re an
actress can shake the stuck-ness out of you. Beyond all of this, sometimes
we need a friend or trained professional to help us see and heal the hard
stuff.
I see a new wave of anger at men in the #MeToo movement. And it’s
healthy for the shadow to come to light. Women who’ve been victimized
need to voice it and heal. Men who haven’t been accountable need to come
clean. Both the distorted feminine and masculine energies have contributed
to this problem. We’ve all been confused and ultimately a healthier way is
ahead.
You cannot get beyond something until you feel it fully. To attempt this
is spiritual bypassing. So, go ahead, pause, and give yourself some TLC if
emotions are coming up around all this.
IMPORTANT TIP: If you feel like you can’t shake certain emotions no
matter what you do, you may be feeling things that aren’t yours. Cry your
own tears and you feel better. Express your own anger and you get clear.
Take on someone else’s feelings and it’s like trying to put the wrong puzzle
piece in your puzzle. It will never fit, you’ll try forever, and the other person
will also be stuck. You can never process what’s not yours. We sometimes
take on emotions from family, friends, or the culture, so check this in
yourself. The next exercise will help.
PRACTICE: How to Feel Your Emotions and Release Those that
Aren’t Yours
Consider a relationship challenge or some difficult emotions you’re

experiencing.
• Sit or stand, breathe and ground.
• Imagine a gauge that shows you 0 to 100%. This might look like the gas
gauge in your car, and it might be old-fashioned or digital.
• Looking at the gauge, ask, “How much of what I’m feeling here is
mine?” Note the answer from 0 to 100%.
• Take note of your answer.
• Assuming you got less than 100%, imagine a bubble a few feet in front
of you—like a magic soap bubble with a magnet in it.
• Allow the bubble to pull all that energy out of you that’s not yours. You
don’t have to figure out what it is or where it came from, though you might
get a sense.
• Just focus on the energy releasing, and your intention will make it
happen. Exhale and notice if the bubble changes color or anything in this
process.
• When you feel complete, see the bubble float off to the edge of the
horizon and dissolve into a burst of light.
• As this happens, the energy you were holding goes back to whomever or
wherever it came from, creating a healing for all concerned.
• Fill in with a gold sun and come out of meditation.
• Assuming you got more than 0% on your gauge, and that some of the
emotions ARE yours, let yourself feel them. Cry, yell, shake, write, tell
someone, punch a punching bag… find an appropriate way to release the
feelings and you’ll feel better on the other side.
“YES, MY LORD.” HOW TO HANDLE HIS PATRIARCHAL
WAYS
It’s a fine line between him being a strong, protective, inspiring man and
him being too domineering. Men sometimes get confused about how to be,
and they have generally learned more patriarchal behavior from their
ancestors and from society. Occasionally they are jerks on purpose but often
they override us just because that’s familiar behavior.
How do you handle something like this? How do you teach him to act
differently, without taking on a competing masculine or mothering role?
One way is through play. If your man gets too bossy, you can say, “Is
there anything else you’d like, My Lord?” This calls him out on his behavior
without taking a “direct” approach or coaching him. It keeps you in the
feminine role, and it invites his masculine to enjoy a challenge. It brings
awareness to how he’s being but without confronting or criticizing him. If
he’s a fairly conscious man, he’ll laugh and change his tune.
TRUE FREEDOM AS A WOMAN
Just as sensitivity is key for men, internal freedom is an empowered

woman’s secret. Contrary to the pseudo “freedom” espoused by angry
feminism, true freedom for a woman means she is rooted in wholeness. Her
connection with something larger than herself along with her natural
feminine and masculine means her life force flows freely. Because she
represses nothing, others’ imbalances have no pull to sway her. Her self-love
provides all the protection she needs.
Even more so, her inner freedom draws in the healthy masculine.
Remember that the masculine desires freedom more than just about
anything. If a woman pushes to feel hers, she comes from a “fighting” space
and so inspires his competition. However, if a woman is genuinely free
inside, it brings any man around her a huge sigh of relief. He gets
something he deeply needs simply by feeling her “vibe.” It’s not conscious
but it’s palpable and very powerful.
GIVE AND GIVE
We are coming full circle. After recognizing that yes, women are equal
to men, we can relax into remembering our differences.
Some of the gifts we give our partners are Universal masculine and
feminine qualities, such as direction and flow or firmness and softness.
Other gifts are based in our individual personalities, regardless of gender.
For example, one partner likes to cook and the other likes to clean. One’s
steadfast and organized and the other connects them to new friends and
adventure.
On the surface, our new paradigm relationships may appear just as
transactional as our grandparents’ “Yes Dear” relationships. The difference is
subtle yet profound. The difference is in knowing our wholeness yet choosing
to embody certain qualities and relinquish others. We are not needy
anymore, and so we give and receive from our joy.
Even though I have an inner masculine drive and direction, it doesn’t
excite me to drive when going on a date. I like to ride and let my man drive!
And while I appreciate his sensitivity, I don’t want to always have to hold it
together while he cries or yells on a regular basis.
I like to cook, and in one relationship, I felt disappointed when my
boyfriend wanted to cook with me. I wanted to give that gift! It was
amusing and illuminating to see this in myself.
PRACTICE: What Would You Like to Give and Receive in a
Romantic Relationship?
Write down the gifts you have to offer your current or envisioned partner?
What would you love to share? What would you love to receive from him?
Notes
Part 7
OVERCOMING THE COLLECTIVE FEAR OF FEMININE
POWER
Fear of feminine power is a wound we all carry to some degree. It’s epidemic,
and it’s been at the root of both feminine repression and distortion. It’s also why
“equality” has seemed so tempting.
This is not the same as fear of women. We can be scared of the feminine in men
just as easily. And simply putting women in positions of power does not address
the issue if they are not modeling feminine energy.
In practice, fear of the feminine shows up as female competition, repressing
our feelings or beauty, inability to relax or receive, overly taming our less
“agreeable” sides, and creating shadows around sexuality.
If you’re ready to bust through these patterns and be one of the brave pioneers
to wave the light beam for others, let’s go. I’m by your side.
MOST PEOPLE ARE AFRAID OF FEMININE POWER
One reason so many women try to feel powerful by acting like men is
because feminine power is THAT powerful. It’s scarier than masculine
power, in a way. Volcanoes, hurricanes, and earthquakes are expressions of
this power. No man or woman wants to mess with that.
Our culture has manipulated the feminine in unfortunate ways. On the
one hand, we see sex symbols everywhere, and there is the billion-dollar
porn industry. Then in daily life, women hide their feelings, hold back their
radiance, and act like men.
No wonder men are jacking off in front of iPads and avoiding their
wives! Ladies, is this what you want? It’s becoming easier, in a sense, for
men to avoid a “real” relationship. This is one of the reasons you are needed,
to inspire something more in him.
You might say, “That’s not my job.” And you’re right, in some cases.
Some men aren’t up for raw and real intimacy. But a good, conscious man
yearns to feel your heart. On his own, he lacks your light, and he cherishes it
fully when you offer it.
Even the most evolved man will have his moments. He’ll want to
disappear and not be faced with all that you are. He’ll want to shrink from
the challenge. And your shining heart, beckoning him back to his edge, is
sexier than any porn star in this moment.
HOW MISTRUSTING THE FEMININE HAS HURT US
So many feelings come up in the process of awakening our feminine!

For instance:
“If I show my feminine radiance, will it trigger my mom? Will it make
her feel bad about her looks? Will she judge or control me? What if my dad
pays more attention to me than to her?”
“Will my sisters, friends, or other women be jealous? I want a guy, but I
want the women in my life to love me too. Help!”
“Should I wear the dress I look really hot in or not? Am I manipulating
a man if I do this / wear this / say this? Am I making him uncomfortable?”
“I don’t want to be less respected. I should probably just show him how
smart I am, dress conservatively, and talk about ‘safe’ subjects like work.”
All of these common thoughts are evidence of how wounded our
feminine has been. As women, we’re damned if we do and damned if we
don’t. And the byproduct is a forced, awkward, overly mental approach to
how we carry ourselves.
No matter whether you wear that dress or not, whether you let your
sensuality flow or not, if you are also worrying about it, you’ll create a less
desirable response. These worries are already in the collective. You don’t need
to repeat them, so see what happens if you just drop them and ask yourself,
“What feels most natural and appropriate in this instance?”
To a large extent, your worries are what make other people feel
uncomfortable. They feel the gap between how your body looks and what
your energy is saying. If your body and outfit is saying, “Fuck me,” but your
energy says, “I feel really awkward and I hope this is ok what I’m wearing,”
you’re not that fuckable. In fact, you’ve just opened yourself to the same
judgement you’re directing towards yourself.
Once I went to a workshop on sexuality and spirituality, and we were
asked to wear something on Day 3 that made us feel feminine. I brought a
red dress that I planned to wear on that day. By the time Day 3 came, I wore
it and felt completely awkward. I had shifted so much energy through the
workshop that that dress felt like a forced expression of femininity. It didn’t
align with my deeper feminine heart.
We all know the Adam and Eve story. There is the whole idea that a
woman can “ruin” a man. This is because feminine energy can be very
distracting when a man is in his masculine. This is why it really benefits men
to cultivate their capacity to witness and control their energy.
We all have the Adam and Eve story somewhere in our consciousness,
and most of us women have either internalized it and repressed ourselves or
rebelled by being overly sexual. In spite of our intentions, the latter can feel
disconnected and repelling. Most of us have done both.
There is a third way. When we don’t worry about how we come across as
women, and just do what’s natural, we can wear sweats and still shine with
radiance. And when we “turn it up,” we feel juicy inside; we’re not just
dressing up or flirting because we “should” or because we need to cover up
our anxiety. Then our sexiness is attractive and feels natural in its powerful
expression.
Your capacity to feel a lover in bed is the same sensuality that allows you
to feel yourself and your environment. It knows what’s appropriate in any
given moment. So, practice feeling everything whenever you feel safe to do
so, and it will definitely pay off with your man!
PRACTICE: Sound, Dance, Move
One of the best ways to awaken your feminine power is to move your body!
Find a time when no one’s around, or practice with a girlfriend or women’s group.
Put on something comfortable and turn on your favorite music. Let your body
move any way it wants to move. Do this as a prayer, as a way to move stuck
energy and open up your creativity.
BEAUTY IS NOT SUPERFICIAL
Years ago, I moved to LA and joined a high-end yoga studio with

famous teachers and students. There I learned to merge beauty and
spirituality.
Previously, as a singer-songwriter in Boulder, Colorado, I remember
preparing for a photo shoot for my CD cover art. The photographer
suggested I wear my own makeup to the shoot. “I don’t have any makeup,” I
said proudly. It was true! I had adopted these hippie values that said
everything “natural” was better.
Actually, indigenous people have been painting their face with “natural”
materials for millennia. It’s innate in the feminine to adorn herself and want
to look pretty. I did it as a young girl, looking at fashion magazines and
curling my hair. Why was it that the “feminism” I adopted in my twenties
didn’t allow makeup?
Those women in LA’s yoga studios showed no shame in dressing in sexy,
beautiful outfits, wearing makeup and doing their hair. As an artist and
spiritual seeker, their flair and style appealed to me. It showed me the power
of including “the world” in my spirituality. For truly, spirituality is about
union.
My previous idea of that union assumed that masculine and feminine
don’t matter. In nature and in human life though, it’s a real thing. At this
point, I prefer to unite by embracing the masculine and the feminine, not by
avoiding it. Beauty is a Divine quality. Makeup is just one example.
STOP COMPETING
You may have jealous feelings about other women. This can look like
behaviors such as fearing your partner or love interest is interested in his
attractive friend or co-worker, wanting to look better than your friends
when going out, or comparing your body with other women’s bodies at the
beach or pool.
These are common and useful to notice because they have a message for
you. By indulging them, you feed the collective mistrust of the feminine and
it’s bound to come back at YOU. Your ego may think otherwise but you
cannot simultaneously have negative thoughts about other women and also
love your own femininity.
My friend, Marla Mervis-Hartmann, who coaches women around body
image and self-love, says we should appreciate both ourselves and the
women around us. I’ll never forget one day we hung out at her house. I got
up to get something and she said, “Ann, you have a nice butt.” How often do
straight women say these things to each other? But she was very pure and
sincere.
If you have trouble appreciating other women or if you have frequent
jealous feelings, your self-worth may need a boost. Every emotion has a
message, and whatever we’re jealous of in another usually shows us
something we’ve disowned in ourselves. On the other hand, judging another
woman usually means you’re projecting your self-judgement onto her. So
next time you feel jealous or judgmental, use your feelings as a tool to adjust
your relationship with yourself!
PRACTICE: Appreciating Yourself and Other Women
On the following pages, list ten things you appreciate about yourself, then ten
things you appreciate about other women.
Ideally, this writing practice will move you in the direction of appreciating
other women in daily life. You don’t have to complement your friends’ butts out
loud if that’s not in your comfort zone, but at least note to yourself when you see a
beautiful woman on the street. Feel her radiance, and as you do, allow your own
radiance to expand. More than likely, she’ll start to shine even more because
everyone is psychic. And you will definitely light up!
Things I appreciate about myself:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10.
Things I appreciate about other women:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10.
HOW TO SHOW FEMININE POWER WITHOUT BEING
BLATANTLY SEXUAL
If you’ve been hiding your body, sensuality, or light your whole life, you
might feel like flaunting it. On the other hand, if sexual attention triggers
discomfort, you might inadvertently limit your experience by holding back
parts of yourself. If you’re wanting a man’s attention, is it appropriate to
dress sexy and flirt, or not? Much of this depends on what feels good and
authentic to you, and each man has his preferences as well.
I have heard some say that a woman in clothes is sexier than a naked
body—perhaps because of the fun imagining what’s underneath the clothes.
Showing too much can look like you’re giving it away or are insecure and
overcompensating—giving you a “lower value” in his eye. And because the
masculine likes to “conquer,” a woman who “lets it all hang out”—or who
tries too hard—can be a turn off.
On the other hand, years ago I was told by a boyfriend that I did a
“good job of hiding” my body. It’s common for image consultants to
recommend dressing in clothes that flatter one’s figure. It’s possible to do
this in a classy way. Cover it up too much and you shortchange the world
from experiencing your beauty!
Both hiding your body and being overtly sexual can be signs of deep
wounds around your femininity. Hiding it all the time says, “I don’t feel
safe,” “I’m scared,” or “I’m angry, so fuck it—you can’t have any of this and I
don’t need it either.”
Dressing, talking, and oozing sex can say, “I’m desperate for attention.”
It might indicate “I don’t feel good about myself. This is all I got, so I better
‘put it out’ in order to get somewhere in life.” I have also observed women
provoking attention by dressing sexy, and then blaming the men. “How dare
you check me out? How dare you make those comments?”
I myself was guilty of this. After hiding my body for years, the
pendulum swung the other way and I felt a need to wear low-cut tops and
perform sexually suggestive songs and poems. Did that make it ok when a
man sat there touching himself in a low-lit bar where I was singing? No.
But I had to look at what I had to do with it. I had started “owning” my
sexuality but still had issues that played out in these uncomfortable
experiences.
I remember seeing a friend of mine naked in a sauna. She had done tons
of meditation, energy clearing, and spiritual work on herself—including on
her sexuality and feminine energy. And when I saw her body, it literally
glowed. It felt clear, pure, and innocent—her own. Ever since that day, I
have regularly cleared the energy around my sexual space in meditation, and
I’ve assisted other women in doing so. Often, we hold past sexual traumas in
our physical bodies. These can include rape or abuse, lustful stares and other
people’s fantasies, repeated sex with a partner you resent, or the pain of
longing for a lover who left. Until the energy is cleared, it profoundly affects
your sexuality and body.
What we wear or say is only part of the equation. The energy we
broadcast comes back to us, like it or not. Sometimes we aren’t conscious
about what we’re putting out, so this is an art to develop.
What you’re thinking also matters. I was once listening to a talk by
David Deida, and he answered a woman’s question about how to indicate in
public that you’re single and looking—without attracting the wrong kind of
attention. His answer was to repeat in your mind, “I would give myself
totally to the right man.” The important key here was inviting the “right”
man, not just “any” man.
Back then, I was single, and tried this at the grocery store and other
public places. It certainly gave me a fun feeling of anticipation—I was open
and confident, and it definitely seemed like I attracted better potential
partners.
Using your feminine power of attraction is an art. Some art is subtle, and
some is dramatic. It’s up to you to feel into what’s needed in any given
moment. This moment, what feels like an accurate expression of your heart?
For each occasion, for each person, what kind of gift from you feels
appropriate to give? Find the gift that comes from a natural, non-needy
place within you. Sense what gift would be welcome and well-received. For
truly, you are that gift.
ARE YOU “HOOKING” HIM?
In the new paradigm of give-give relationships, any kind of

manipulation only backfires. This includes dressing overly sexy to feel
powerful or worthy, playing games to get “love” or attention, or turning him
on as a passive-aggressive move. While these tactics can work in the short
term or with a less conscious man, they ultimately push away any man you’d
really want.
In your attempts to attract his love, are you drawing him in or “hooking”
him? He’s not a fish and the last thing he wants is to feel trapped.
Remember, the masculine qualities include “drive” and “direction.” It’s
difficult for him to do that if you’re doing it for him.
You may wonder how to distinguish leading from your feminine with
driving him into a corner. It’s about keeping it clean, leading from having
rather than from needing. Your natural feminine leadership allows for
honest, open-hearted communication. It’s actually your responsibility as a
woman to offer this. It allows him to feel safe doing the same.
WHEN YOU FEEL AFRAID OF MEN, KNOW THIS
My spiritual teacher of ten years once said in a seminar, “Ladies, when

you feel afraid of a man, he’s probably afraid of you.” Because he was a
psychic and a man, in a room full of mostly women, his words packed a
punch. I was grateful for his honesty and I felt the truth in his words.
Though men act strong on the surface, society generally requires them to
appear this way. History has enforced the story that women are vulnerable
and so should fear men. But after doing intuitive readings for thousands of
women, I have seen how often their male partners or love interests get
scared.
All the time, I hear questions like “Why did he pull away?” “Why did he
break up with me?” “Why does he say those hurtful things?”
I’ve given so many of these women a similar answer: “He’s scared. He
feels intimidated by you. He’s afraid he can’t measure up. He’d rather leave
you before he’s left. He feels useless when you’re unhappy. He’d rather
dominate you before you overpower him.”
When I’m out walking alone and see men, sometimes I do feel
vulnerable. In those moments, I remember this truth. All kinds of men get
scared of our power, our light, of their own repressed desire and dark sides.
I don’t need to be afraid if I can see this and stay soft and centered
around it. My anxiety, defensiveness, or fear might only make it worse. So, I
stay in a space of neutral acceptance and say to myself, “I bring out the best
in all men.” As I do so, frequently these men show a sudden kindness,
respect, and relaxation I hadn’t seen moments before.
Everyone is psychic, and our power to project is just as great as our
power to receive. It’s exciting to me that we can use it for such good.
SUPPRESSING SEXUAL ENERGY CAUSES PROBLEMS
My client had just ended a long-term relationship after having an affair.

He was struggling with what to do about the new woman, who was already
talking about marrying him. Feeling smothered, he expressed his desire to
pull away from her.
I saw that this woman gave him an energy that he needed. I was talking
with him from my New Mexico home after a month of 95-degree days with
no rain, so I described it like “Imagine living in the desert then getting a
vacation to the coast of Northern California. If you lived there all the time,
it wouldn’t be as special.” Her energy was like medicine to him; it gave him
something he’d been missing.
It looked like his new relationship wouldn’t serve him long-term, and I
saw his desire to “man up” and walk away. Yet he wasn’t able to. Why?
Until he recognized the medicine she provided, he was bound to her.
Until he admitted and allowed himself to fully feel his desire and
appreciation for her, it controlled him. When he pushed her away, he
inevitably pushed away even the stuff he liked, and some wise part of him
didn’t want to do that.
I gave him two homework assignments: (1) Write her a letter expressing
his feelings for her, then rip it up; (2) Own what he loves about her, and
then put those qualities on his “wish list” for his next partner.
Every woman has different qualities and energy. It’s rare that one
woman is going to have everything a man wants (or vice versa). Until we
own our true sexual feelings and desires, we tend to either act them out
inappropriately (in this man’s case, by having an affair), or by repressing
everything—including our potential for fulfillment and pleasure.
Within a conscious partnership, we can admit or even share these
feelings, and redirect them into the relationship. Without a lover, we can
explore letting ourselves feel everything without judgement. Our acceptance
brings light to our “shadow” side, and then it’s much easier to choose
appropriate action. In every case, there are ways to get the energy one
desires while honoring everyone involved.
It’s amazing how when we stop censoring ourselves, we naturally self-
regulate. Our true natures are good, and our sexuality is part of this!
I have also seen women get sick when their sexual energy is repressed.
At the very least, they become anxious and tight in their bodies. Some get
dry, hormones get wonky, and sex becomes painful. An extreme
manifestation might be cancer, reproductive disorders, or serious illness.
POLITICALLY CORRECT GENDER NEUTRALIZATION
Not long after moving to New Mexico, I found myself giving women
makeovers in my mind. I missed how the women shine in LA, and not just
the rich and famous! There, women of all types at least seemed to care about
their appearance. I’m sure I was seeing this because of what I was working
through, awakening to the Divine Feminine aspects of beauty.
When my dad came to visit Santa Fe, I asked him, “What do you think
of the women here?”
He replied immediately, “Old and worn out.”
Then I had lunch with a male friend, who said he was struggling to
meet women there. He said, “The women here look like they don’t want to
get laid. At least they could wear clothes that fit.”
When I first arrived in Santa Fe, it seemed the men had never seen a
woman before. I realized quickly that if I went out wearing tight jeans and
makeup (required attire in LA), heads would turn. One day, I was home
wearing a skirt with sequins on it and my male neighbor came by.
“Is that what you wear around the house?” he exclaimed.
I said, “Yes, I wear what I feel good in.”
At the time, the men there felt very airy, very loose in their boundaries.
Yes, lots of them were “spiritual” but I couldn’t feel their firmness as men.
The women felt hardened, and the men softened, and sometimes I couldn’t
tell them apart. I got the feeling they thought they were progressive, but
they actually seemed reactive. I don’t think they meant to be.
Our history of patriarchal oppression made these reactions
understandable. Many women feared that their feminine energy would
make them unsafe. Men who didn’t want to harm women chose to go
passive. Thankfully, there are other options!
Politically-correct gender neutralization is just as harmful—and, in fact,
accomplishes the same thing—as overt patriarchy. Living as if our light is
not there and doesn’t matter hurts us. Many times, we don’t even know why
we’re suffering, because of the assumed compromise in our culture. In the
face of pain without understanding, we go numb.
When men repress their desire for our light, that’s when their energy
comes out in distorted ways. Some have affairs, some become passive-
aggressive (or just plain aggressive), some turn to addictions or fantasy. They
go numb just like we do because they’re not ok with themselves or us. This
is no way to live, and obviously a world of numb people affects more than
just our relationships and sex lives.
MEN’S VIOLENCE REFLECTS WOMEN’S REPRESSED
WILDNESS
I believe that we all—deep-down—seek love and healing for ourselves

and others. Whether we consciously choose this or not, our instinctive
selves keep doing what needs to be done to create balance. We act out the
shadows, trying to bring them to light.
I don’t condone men’s violence; it can be incredibly damaging. And yet,
on a collective level, I see it as a warped attempt to somehow express an
energy that needs to be expressed. The repression that both men and women
have faced has created it, and when the violence gets directed towards
women, it’s a distorted expression of what’s been denied in us.
The feminine IS wild. The wild, even violent and destructive aspect of
the feminine is what most men (and many women) most fear. Like our
sexual energy, this wildness cannot be simply “turned off ” when we are
afraid of it. It has to go somewhere.
Our wildness can make us seem crazy or feel crazy-- when we don’t own
it and direct it appropriately. Just as women want to heal and love men, men
want to heal and love women. In fact, it can be a compulsion.
A highly attuned lover knows exactly what his or her partner needs and
offers that energy. Within any close relationship, we often unconsciously
express each other’s denied aspects for the sake of healing them.
On a collective level, this same phenomenon occurs. And for the most
part, the wild and destructive feminine energy has not been considered “ok.”
The masculine has had more cultural permission to be rough or angry. So,
the collective masculine (and I don’t mean everyone all the time) has
expressed violence towards the feminine.
Like a skilled and sensitive lover, the masculine naturally feels into the
untapped wild feminine—and so expresses it on her behalf. Are war, rape,
murder, or abuse acceptable ways to evoke this repressed energy? Of course
not. But they show us how far off-balance we are.
I wonder… if the feminine rage, wrath, and moods were honored, would
the masculine violence on earth would continue as it has? My guess is no.
And I think we are hitting this tipping point now, with a seeming
increase in earthquakes, floods, and crazy weather. Gaia is speaking. Mother
Earth won’t be quiet and meek anymore.
May we realize these lessons and make friends with the wildness! By
allowing this aspect of the feminine, it doesn’t need to create harm. We can
sit and enjoy it, knowing each wave relaxes back out to sea.
PRACTICE: Freeing Your Wild Side
• Sit or stand with your feet flat on the floor and close your eyes.
• As you exhale, wiggle your hips and imagine a giant waterfall connecting
the base of your body to the earth. Notice this waterfall draining away the stuck
feelings you’ve been holding. Decide to release more of what’s been holding you
back from being your full, wild, dynamic feminine self.
• If you are standing, you might circle your hips, rock your pelvis, or jump
rapidly up and down. You may make noises or exhale loudly.
• When you’re ready, come to stillness and imagine a giant rose a few feet out
in front of you. See it in full bloom, facing you. Imagine this rose as a vacuum
that begins to draw more of this stuck energy out of you. Move the rose up and
down, in front or in back of you, as needed.
• This stuff can feel serious! So, try out a state of wonder. For example,
inquire if there’s any repression you took on from your culture, family, or church.
Ask to release these energies one by one. Get curious and notice what you feel as
you go. Did you learn to hold back as a baby or small child, adolescent or young
adult? Who taught you? What pictures have you been holding? Which life stories
made you the way you were today? Were you impacted by past relationships?
Ancestors? Past lives? Take at least a few breaths into each of these questions, as
you allow any related energies to be vacuumed into your rose.
• As you release energy, you might yawn, get tired, or teary-eyed. Some
people feel hot, cold, tingly, or have other physical sensations. If you’re visual, you
might “see” the rose change color, or even receive specific pictures of people or scenes.
Some of us hear messages or an inner voice, and others just know what’s releasing.
Observe what comes up for you.
• If you’re standing, you might continue moving your body as you feel guided,
or even make sounds to help you release energy.
• Once you’re done, imagine what your fully dynamic feminine self would
look like. What would she be, do, and feel? Is there a color or symbol which
represents her best?
• Create a giant golden sun a few feet above your head, at least three times
as big as your physical body. Put a magnet in the sun and allow it to draw your
wildness, your fullness, and all that you are back to you. You don’t need to know
where it’s coming from, but you can get curious. I always include other people and
places, future and past. As you call your energy back, call back the pure life force
and power you’d abandoned. See it all coming back to you as rays of golden light.
In addition, sense your dynamic feminine self taking form as your gold sun. Let it
emanate the full range of all that you are.
• Then allow it to pour through your entire body from head to toe, saturating
every cell and filling every place you released energy. See yourself overflowing
with gold, surrounded with a gold bubble of light as you open your eyes.
UNRAVELING OUR PERPETRATOR AND VICTIM ROLES
I met a woman who claimed her husband was abusive. At first, I

empathized with her story as any fellow mother would.
Then I got to know this new friend better. She was full of complaints
and demands, and constantly focused on things that needed to be fixed. It
was to the point of neurosis; to her, the world was unsafe, she was a victim
and therefore felt compelled to speak—or even lash out—every time an
“unsafe” situation arose.
It wasn’t just her husband. After personally being the target of her
“safety concerns,” I learned that eight to nine others in the community had
had similar challenges with her. I’d met her husband once, and he didn’t
seem “abusive” to me. One mutual friend said he was “normal.”
In my dealings with her, I felt harassed by her constant threats and
complaints. I bent over backwards trying to make things right, and I
received almost no appreciation. By then, it struck me that she was actually
the abusive one in her marriage.
Many years ago, I went to a relationship workshop with several hundred
attendees. With the goal of increasing intimacy between men and women,
we talked about the common feminine habit of nagging and complaining.
The facilitator asked, “How many of you guys would rather she just
punch you in the face?”
Half the hands in the room went up. I don’t recall a single man who
didn’t raise his hand.
It was eye-opening for me because, growing up, my dad was pegged as
the perpetrator as my mom played the victim. I bought that story, too, until
I was thirty-something and I had a heart-felt talk with my dad. As a kid, I
was with my mom most of the time, so it didn’t occur to me until later that
her story was not the only story. Looking back, it was a disempowering one
that’s been common for many women.
We overlook the “energy” aspect of things when we simply blame men
and condone women without looking deeper. On the surface, my dad was
an angry drunk at times, but my mom was a control freak who rarely gave
him any energetic space. One of my intuitive friends looked at the dynamics
and said, “If I was married to her; I’d drink too.”
Of course, some men yell, hit, or otherwise intimidate or hurt people.
That’s not ok. But when my former friend bombarded me with punishment
and anxiety, that wasn’t ok with me either. I could’ve healed faster from a
punch in the face!
What is hidden is harder to heal, let alone see in the first place. It can be
very damaging. I can see why many men abuse women because sometimes
these women are abusing them—in less obvious ways. The world doesn’t
recognize the feminine kind of abuse, and the men feel trapped and go off
in rage.
Unfortunately, some very kind women get abused too because those
men carry rage unrelated to their partners. But there is always more to the
story, and I have seen many cases like my mom and my friend.
PRACTICE: Finding Your Empowerment
Write down the times you remember feeling like a victim in your life. For
each, notice if there was anything in you that allowed it to happen. Were you
getting a hidden benefit from it, did you have subconscious beliefs that said it was
expected or that you deserved it, or did it remind you of past experiences that
needed to surface in order to heal? Did it offer an important lesson? Write down
whatever comes to your awareness.
Then, if relevant, note some healthier ways to meet those needs in the future.
Notes
Part 8
HEALING YOUR RELATIONSHIP WOUNDS
Part 8 is all about healing—recognizing and releasing your unhelpful

patterns and stories. Here’s where we dive into your childhood and family history,
old relationship wounds, and even past lives.
This is not the easiest stuff to look at, yet I believe what we resist persists. Our
shadows control us until we shine the light on them, and then they become a non-
issue. So, in the long run, it’s less painless and quicker to face them. We can do so
with lightness, clear eyes, and courage. And sometimes, we need support.
It’s important to note that this book is not meant to replace the services of a
capable and loving professional. You may need a live human to hold space for you,
and you may need practices and treatment methods that are more embodied than
we can cover here.
It is my intention to provide you with resources and experiential practices to
aid in your self-healing process. Following Part 8, we’ll get more into how to
create what you desire. In order to do so, you may need to first clear some stuff out
of the way.
Because romantic relationships activate so much love, they render us
vulnerable to an equal amount of pain. Be compassionate with yourself and
others. Your continuing to choose love will trump the pain. Your dedication to
create consciously and overcome past hurts will bring grace and open doors.
HOW YOU UNCONSCIOUSLY REQUIRE THE BEHAVIOR
YOU HATE
Unknowingly, I used to believe a story that said, “If I show all of me, I’ll
be rejected, punished, and left alone.” Because of this assumption, I picked
men who couldn’t “have” me, then held back so I wouldn’t get hurt.
Repeatedly the guys rejected me, and I asked, “What did I do wrong?”
A healer I consulted told me I was asking the wrong questions. About
my relationship choices, he said I was like a PhD trying to get a job washing
dishes, and so no one would hire me. It took me years to get it! The truth
was, I had been rejecting myself, and picking the guys who mirrored that.
The Universe so lovingly gives us what we put out.
If you have low self-worth, it’s common to attract a partner who treats
you poorly. If you’re afraid of commitment, you might find yourself in long-
distance relationships or with people who aren’t really available. Or if you
fear your man is unfaithful and start stalking and controlling him, he may
become unfaithful when he wasn’t before.
In addition to our unconscious beliefs, our energetic agreements with
others also play a role in relationship challenges. For example: I worked with
a woman who had a foul mouth and serious health issues. Her family saw
her as the one with the problems. When I tuned in intuitively, I realized she
was expressing what the rest of them would not. They saw anger as
unacceptable and took great pride in being “civil” and balanced, even when
they faced conflict. They meant well but were not honest, and that conflict
had to go somewhere! Unknowingly, she took it on. Many families have a
“family healer” like this. It would be much easier if each person just owned
their own stuff!
Commonly, one partner in a relationship doesn’t express certain
emotions, which the other then over-expresses. For example, one never gets
angry and the other one has a bad temper. The angry one gets blamed while
the quiet one plays the victim or assumes superiority.
Especially when we’re close, it’s natural to feel and act out each other’s
stuff. We do it because we’re unaware and because we love each other. But
the effects are toxic. No one is free of emotions and no one is always
positive. What keeps us happy, healthy, and in harmony with each other is
to feel whatever we feel and find a constructive way to express it.
WHY RELATIONSHIP PATTERNS REPEAT
I was single, just out of a relationship with a Libra. As a friend and I

looked back on what hadn’t worked in that relationship, I remember her
saying, “From now on, you won’t waste your time with zodiac signs that
you’re not compatible with.” (My sun sign is Capricorn, which is not
traditionally compatible with Libra.) I laughed and we talked about which
signs I’d be looking for next.
Within months, a new Libra man asked me out. I gracefully declined
and kept imagining the conversation I would have with our mutual friend.
“Feel free to set me up, but please NO Libras.”
Another couple of months passed. I met someone new, felt the skies
part, and the earth shake, then discovered his birthday. It was too late; I had
to admit I liked yet another Libra. Why, why, why did this keep happening?
I realized that, besides my past partner, another two boyfriends
(including my first one) plus my dad had sun and/or moon in Libra. Even
though it wasn’t what I thought I wanted, their energy felt familiar. It
seemed that they had something to teach me, and that the Universe was
trying to balance me somehow.
Whatever we say we don’t want tends to chase us, so be careful. The
subconscious only hears “yes.”
When I realized I wanted to have a child, I was with a man who clearly
did not. My desire grew to the point that this was a “must” for me, and the
man and I started fighting a lot. In retrospect, I understand his anger. He
hadn’t bargained for this.
Night after night, we’d talk for hours with no solution. One morning
over breakfast, we were fighting again, and I needed a break. I said I was
going to yoga and he called me irresponsible. He claimed I was avoiding
things, but I needed to clear and ground my energy. Clearly, talking so much
wasn’t fixing it, and I always felt better after yoga.
At the time, I also enjoyed listening to Krishna Das, whose music
incorporated yoga mantras. I remember my partner saying, “If you were
pregnant, I’d be telling you what to eat and what music to listen to.” He
particularly didn’t like Krishna Das, who he said was “low energy and
depressing.”
Long story short, we split up. I moved to a new home, and soon after
that, one of the band members for Krishna Das moved in next door. When
I met his wife, she told me she was pregnant. Low energy and depressing? I
don’t think so. These were some of the happier, brighter people I’d met, and
her pregnancy and birth seemed to go quite well.
My past partner started online dating, and he told me, “I don’t know
what’s going on. All these yoga chicks want me.”
What you resist persists. Releasing resistance takes courage. However,
it’s easier to heal your past and present than it is to do it over.
LEARNING TO HANDLE CONFLICT AND YOUR “INTIMACY
THRESHOLD”
As soon as we get close or committed, our “intimacy threshold” can get

triggered. This may look like “I don’t know if I can stand so much love…
This is beyond my comfort zone… What can I do to go back to what’s
familiar?” In these ways, we sabotage our relationships unknowingly.
Our hearts are only used to stretching open so wide. If we exchange
more love or live with more passion, we can become afraid that we’ll crack.
So, when things get deep, we put the brakes on.
We don’t mean to, not consciously, but our closure creeps up on us.
Before we know it, we’ve been avoiding our partner for days. We’ve been
finding excuses to be unavailable, to be distant. We’ve been keeping count in
our heads of all the times he’s done that annoying thing. We tell our
girlfriends how hurt we feel.
Despite our irritation, we don’t tell him. Even worse, we don’t show him.
The most toxic part is that we don’t even let ourselves fully feel it. We’ve been
talking, thinking our way around our feelings, and we think we’re feeling
them, but we’re not.
Sometimes, we do things to provoke him to be the way we say we don’t
want him to be. We step in front of him as he’s cleaning the kitchen. We get
defensive and then blame him for accusing us. The fear in us wants to point
the finger, wants “proof ” that we have a real complaint, wants an excuse to
distance.
There is a saying in Aikido that says, “The closer you are, the safer you
are.” Literally, in Aikido training, you might press your body against your
partner’s so you can feel where s/he is taking you. Then you can respond
more effectively and keep yourself safer. By contrast, if you step a foot away,
you lose touch with what’s happening and are perfectly positioned to get
punched in the face.
There’s a time and place to have your own space within a relationship. If
you’re doing this so one or both of you can get clear and fill your own cups,
wonderful. Unfortunately, if you’re doing it to avoid conflict, it just makes
things worse.
In the face of abuse, of course you need to protect yourself and I’m not
recommending “staying close” if that’s happening. Definitely remove
yourself from the situation and get some help. When I say, “stay close,” I’m
talking about the daily conflict that most of us avoid. In my opinion, if we
can get really good at facing this, we would have far less abuse. Tension
wouldn’t build up so much.
So often, I see women bagging on good men, and these men act
differently when the women aren’t around. Notice if you create distance and
how that creates distance. What if you just inquired, just observed in those
scary moments? What if you caught yourself the moment you hit your
“intimacy threshold,” the moment you felt so vulnerable and triggered that
you wanted to run for the hills? What if you noticed that fear before the
reaction happened, and then chose something else?
We often have to be in a lot of pain before we’ll change these habits.
Pain is a great motivator! And perhaps next time, let yourself be motivated
by curiosity. “I wonder if I could feel more love?” “I wonder how I could
provoke more closeness, or feel safe with the closeness I have?” Intimacy can
feel more threatening than an argument. Pause and ask, “I wonder what I
could do to get more of my needs met?” Notice your power there and let
yourself be pleasantly surprised.
PRACTICE: Affirmations to Clear Fears and Doubts
On the left side of the worksheet that follows, write down the fears and doubts
that come up for you in relationships. On the right side, write a corresponding
positive belief for each.
For example, “I’m afraid he’s going to cheat on me” turns into “I naturally
attract a faithful partner, and I feel total trust in him and us.” State your positive
affirmations in present tense and use feeling-statements to add emotional power.
These affirmations are about your experience, so using terms like “my partner”
rather than someone’s name (even if you have a partner) will keep you in
integrity and open up more creative possibilities.
When you’re done writing, record your affirmations on your phone or
computer and listen to them regularly.
Fears and Doubts Positive Beliefs
UNDERSTANDING YOUR KARMA AND CHILDHOOD STORY
Why do we fall in love with the people we fall in love with? Why do we
end up in situations we wouldn’t consciously choose?
Usually, they feel familiar because of our childhood stories. For example,
if your father repressed his creativity to work and provide for the family, you
might love artists and try to heal them. You might choose relationships
where your own creativity gets stamped out. Guilt may come up if your
partner provides for you (because subconsciously you don’t want another
man to suffer like your father did) so you marry a starving artist. We can
beat our heads against the wall wondering why we keep repeating these
patterns, and they’re hard to shake, even when we recognize them.
As a conscious parent, it’s helpful to know how this works. I was
recently talking with a friend of mine whose son (just like my daughter) has
a trustworthy, fully engaged father. She shared that certain little girls in
their community seemed uncomfortable around men, in some cases
including their own dads. Because my friend knew these girls’ mothers, she
knew that the mothers had each had painful experiences with men that had
been passed on to the children. To their credit, this is not necessarily
conscious or easy to resolve. However, there is a noted difference between
kids whose parents have unhealed wounds and those who do not. We can be
sensitive and appropriately protective without being overly guarded based
on our own or other people’s past.
Each of us has a story that goes farther back than we remember. I
believe we’ve all lived many lifetimes, and that we pick our parents and life
circumstances. We choose and “end up” in certain situations based on what
we need to learn, contribute, or complete. For instance, a client of mine has
had so many lifetimes being a monk, nun, or servant. She deeply desires to
start a successful business but instead has lived her life as a “trash can” (her
words), always putting other people’s drama before her dreams. Because of
this tendency to merge with others and put herself last, she’s barely dated
even though she is a loving and passionate soul!
Her path this lifetime has been to end her pattern so she can receive
love and money and share her gifts. In the process, she’s attracted partners
who were addicts with poor boundaries, as well as family members and
clients who’ve taken advantage of her. As painful as they were, these lessons
pushed her to change her ways! Now she’s attracting more support from the
world around her because she’s changed.
Whatever your story revolves around—rejection, abandonment, loss,
control, feeling helpless, the need for security, unexpressed creativity etc.—I
bet you’ve been working on it for lifetimes. You probably picked your family
and relationships so far because they were the perfect triggers! It’s not that
we’re gluttons for punishment, just that our souls don’t mind the ride to
healing and evolution. My teacher, Michael Tamura, used to say, “Karma is
just God giving us another chance.” It’s such a relief to see it this way!
LETTING GO OF PAST RELATIONSHIPS
In order to attract a new relationship or move forward with the one

you’re in, it’s important to heal from past relationships. If you have
unprocessed anger, sadness, guilt, or other emotions—or if you’re still
energetically merged with a past partner—this will affect your love life
going forward.
Healing occurs in waves. It takes time. You may feel fine about a past
relationship for months, then hit an emotional dip where the grief
overwhelms you. After it’s over, you may finally get the clarity about what
happened. With this can come remorse, anger, hurt, or a number of other
things. There can be fear you’re doomed to alone-ness, and so you pick up
the phone desperately hoping to get your past lover back—even when it was
toxic.
All this is normal. You don’t need to act on it but please acknowledge
the influence of past relationships. The sooner you can feel it all (ideally
with the help of a professional healer or counselor), the quicker it will pass.
Once a guy I dated ended the relationship suddenly, three days after saying
he was ready to move in together. I cried on the couch for a month and
reached out for all the help I could find. Within two months, I was in a new
relationship with a wonderful man who became my daughter’s father.
You may not have time to cry on the couch for a month, or your feelings
may be hard to access. That’s ok too. Give yourself space. You may need to
attend to work or family, or you may need a cycle of reclaiming and
enjoying your life before you dive into the muck. Just notice if you feel tight
and hardened or closed off to the world. This is a sign that your emotions
have gotten stuck.
One of my clients had been divorced for nearly a decade. She dreamt of
having another child with a new partner, but that window of opportunity
came and went. Though she dated a bit, the only one she’d call a “boyfriend”
had no money and erectile dysfunction. Otherwise, I’d get reports from her
vacations, where she’d meet three men in a week. It felt like she was a
huntress, seizing any moment to get even scraps, pushing these men to
move forward instead of really allowing love into her life.
In repeated healing sessions, I found anger towards her ex-husband in
her vaginal walls. She had demanded so much from him and felt she didn’t
receive enough. In their lovemaking, she was resentful and passive
aggressive. Following her divorce, it’s no wonder that she either approached
sex as a “sport,” or had a boyfriend that couldn’t enter. Despite what she
consciously desired, both of those options felt safer to her than attracting a
truly available partner. As we cleared this energy, she softened, and much
better prospects came her way.
If you’re trying to process emotions and they feel like a bottomless pit, it
may be a sign that you’re holding onto someone else’s energy. This could be
energy from a past partner or a family member. Relationships can trigger
patterns you learned from parents, so you may find you became just like
your mom or your dad. If you suspect your emotions are stuck because
they’re not yours, I recommend re-visiting the meditation on “How to Feel
Your Emotions and Release Those that Aren’t Yours” from Part 6.
It’s normal to hold a space in your heart for anyone you’ve loved deeply.
There’s a difference between holding the energy of the love you enjoyed and
holding that specific person’s energy. Sometimes, we know we need to
release someone’s energy. But until we honor the beautiful experiences we
had together, we really don’t want to. It may be a mixed bag. Even abusive
relationships may have some goodness. This is why gratitude is important,
along with discernment.
Here’s what it might look like to affirm the goodness without holding a
specific person’s energy: “Thank you Universe, I loved the closeness and
laughter I shared with _______________. I release him/her now, and I
welcome more of this feeling please, with a person who fully respects me.”
PRACTICE: Releasing Past Lovers + Re-owning Your Sexual Space
Besides the meditation we did in Part 6 to release emotions, I’d like to share a
specific exercise to help you release past intimate partners and sexual energy from
others.
• Find a comfortable space to sit with your feet flat on the floor.
• Breathe. Feel yourself “land” in your body in present time.
• Create a grounding cord, such as a waterfall or tree trunk, from your
hips down to the center of the earth. Exhale and allow yourself to release any
stress down your grounding cord.
• One by one, ground your uterus and ovaries. Allow any foreign or
stagnant energy to “drain” off of each of them, into the earth. This includes past
partners, creative blocks, trauma around childbirth or conception,
programming from others, etc.
• Imagine a fluffy, gold sticky rose a few feet out in front of you. See the
rose like a vacuum and swish it through your sexual space, entire body, and
energy field. Let this rose absorb any energy you no longer need—from
someone who checked you out once to someone you slept with for decades.
• Clear sexual trauma by taking the rose to the amygdala gland at the
base of the brain, to the tailbone/root chakra, and through the trance medium
channels that run along left and right sides of your head and spine. These are
places where we hold survival information, subconscious thoughts and
feelings, and energy associated with spacing out (which is common in the case
of trauma).
• When your healing feels complete for now, see the rose float out in front
of you until it bursts into light at the edge of the horizon. Know that
whatever energy you released will be neutralized and returned to wherever it
came from.
• Create a gold sun above your head. Just as other people’s energy has
been in your space, consider that your energy has been with others’ space.
Specifically, let all your energy that’s off with current or past partners or love
interests be magnetized into the sun. See waves of gold light pouring in. Don’t
worry, they won’t love you any less. In fact, you become more attractive when
all your energy is with you, and others feel the space to go towards. Having
your energy with a love interest can actually de-magnetize him. As for those
you no longer wish to attract, just hold to your self-love and clarity, and you’ll
only attract those you’re aligned with. So, call all your energy back.
• Once your sun is full to the brim, take a deep breath and “drink” the
light in. From the crown of your head to the base of your spine, tips of your
fingers and toes, and out beyond the edges of your skin, allow the golden light
to radiate within and around you—3 feet above your head, below your feet,
front and back, left and right. Especially fill in your sexual space and all the
places that you cleared.
• When you’re done, open your eyes and come out of meditation.
HEALING YOUR LINEAGE
Most of the time when my client is really stuck, particularly with a

health or relationship challenge, it goes back to something in their lineage.
If we’ve done several sessions without noticeable change, this is where I go,
and it’s always powerful.
It’s generally something they don’t “know” about, perhaps many
generations back, something the family didn’t really talk about because it
was shushed or shamed. If there was suicide, incest, abuse, addiction, or
major trauma—it affects everyone in the family line, particularly because it
got shoved into the closet. People’s unexpressed and repressed feelings get
passed on. If only we bring darkness to light, it ceases to control us and the
generations to come.
One of my clients couldn’t stop feeling inferior in the business she had
with her husband. Identified as a feminist and with a husband who wanted
her to shine, she couldn’t figure out why she had this feeling. Immediately I
saw her male ancestors, who were not so comfortable with feminine power.
In spirit they showed me their fear of feminine energy (in women and in
themselves), along with their shame and pain about repressing it. Because
their energy was “in her” through her DNA and family story, she was acting
it out unknowingly. We did a healing for them and for her, and then re-set
her life as a businesswoman in “present time.” She started to feel much more
confident.
“Who’s Myrtle?” I asked another woman who came to see me.
Without batting an eye, she told me that Myrtle was her grandmother
who’d suffered some painful events. Because my client knew what Myrtle
had been through, we were able to put 2 and 2 together and understand
how that was impacting her current challenges.
PRACTICE: Ancestral Clearing
This is a meditation to heal your family line. You don’t have to know of any
past family trauma to benefit. I simply recommend considering what you could
most use support with, in your life and relationships. Is there a repeating pattern
or challenging situation you can’t seem to change?
• With your healing intention in mind, sit in a calm place with your feet
flat on the floor, and close your eyes.
• Notice your breath moving in and out of your belly, heart, and chest.
Decide to smoothly allow more breath in and more breath out.
• Create a tree trunk or waterfall from your hips and send it down to
the center of the earth. Exhale as you relax and “land” more fully in your
body, letting any stuck emotions or energy release down this grounding cord.
• In your mind’s eye, visualize two golden lines of light beginning a few
feet in front of you. See one on the left and one on the right, each of them
extending out as far as you can imagine. The one on the left represents your
mother’s family line, and the one on the right represents your father’s. Imagine
these ancestral lines like tree branches. I suggest using your birth mother and
father (even if you don’t know those people) because their DNA comprises your
body.
• Wherever you see dark spots within these gold lines, there is some
“shadow” event or energy that needs healing. Notice if you see more of these on
your father’s side, mother’s side, or they’re in both fairly evenly. Do you sense
more darkness towards the front of the lines (more recent?) or towards the
back (longer ago?). You may get pictures, symbols, or other messages about
what occurred. You might feel emotions or sensations, without specifically
knowing what happened. That’s ok. Breathe and be with whatever is arising,
letting your grounding support you.
• When you’re ready, you can cleanse each family line by imagining two
golden roses in full bloom. Run one rose through your mother’s line and one
through your father’s line. Imagine these roses have a vacuum action, clearing the
darkness and restoring the light to your ancestors. I think of this as a blast of love
and forgiveness. When you feel complete with this, send the roses off to the edge of
the horizon and see them go “poof ” into bursts of pure light. Then, dissolve the
ancestral lines in your minds’ eye, and come out of meditation.
• Over the days and weeks to come, pay attention to any changes in the
situation you desired healing on. If needed, come back to this meditation as
often as you’d like.
OVERCOMING JEALOUSY
Jealousy is a big one that nearly every woman faces from time to time.
The “other woman” is like the “boogey man” passed on for centuries, always
threatening your love and security. She won’t seem to go away, no matter
your situation. For example:
• You like a guy and want him to be yours, and so feel threatened by
every attractive woman around him.
• The guy you’re attracted to is another relationship.
• You’re dating someone who’s “not ready” to settle down.
• You’re in a committed relationship but are always wondering who he’s
looking at or what he’s doing.
Becoming exclusive, getting engaged, or moving into marriage will not
cure jealousy. Only loving yourself fully will. And from there, of course,
choosing a trustworthy partner is necessary.
Jealousy, like all emotions, is not “bad.” Like all emotions, it has a
message for us and, in this case, it’s about something we’ve disowned or
disallowed ourselves. You can be a confident woman in a secure relationship,
have a pang of jealousy, and think, “Wow—I guess I need to let myself have
what she’s having. I guess I need to own my beauty / sassiness / sexiness /
success (insert name of quality you see in her). And then use that feeling as
fuel to get really clear and become more of yourself.
The other important cure for jealousy is to remember the Divine plan.
From the ego’s limited point of view, there may be a shortage of “good
men.” It’s easy to convince yourself that there has to be a winner and a loser.
However, from a higher perspective, everything and everyone has their
place. Life is always giving.
Translated into “real life,” the “other woman” may be protecting you
from having a partner who wouldn’t be good for you. I’ve talked to countless
women who, years after a painful breakup, said, “Thank God I got out of
that situation. I’ve got something so much better now.”
If he is or will be your man, another woman can actually be an important
catalyst for many possible reasons. She may be showing him how great you
are by her being everything he doesn’t want. If he’s dating her, she’s likely an
easier place for him to practice having a healthy relationship, so he’s fully
ready when he gets to you. If he’s non-committal in dating you, his desire to
“play the field” now might keep him from having a mid-life crisis when your
kids are teenagers. If you’re married, his attractive co-worker might give him
a feeling of success that he brings home to you—in the bedroom and in the
pocketbook. And, as I mentioned, whatever you see in that “other woman” is
a great reminder of what you want to be and have.
Men aren’t wired for monogamy as we are, so we might do well to
accept him looking at other women, or even having crushes. All this is
normal and indicates a healthy libido—that he then shares with you. This is
where we also need to pick partners evolved enough to control themselves.
It’s really about re-directing the energy back to your relationship. How you
and your partner do that depends on your comfort levels. Some women even
go to strip clubs or watch porn with their partners, in order to learn what he
likes and so he doesn’t have to hide those desires away from her. At
whatever level you do it, this type of thing can add a new level of excitement
and a boost in intimacy for both of you!
FORGIVENESS
Forgiveness is a tricky one. People don’t want to do it because they still

hurt. It’s hard to let go and they don’t want to condone—or perhaps even
accept—what happened.
Michael Tamura had a different take. He called it “for giving.” With this
definition, forgiveness doesn’t require agreeing with or even understanding
another person or event. It simply means to choose a giving attitude.
Punishing or judging someone “takes” not only from them but also from
yourself and all life. Even while honoring your pain, you can give to the one
who “did it to you” by wishing them well. Doing so silently is fine, if this
makes the most sense for you.
At least, this practice helps you release your own charge and—at best—
your blast of love can help them to change any inappropriate behavior.
Contrary to our ego’s idea, people change more when we remain neutral
about them!
On a spiritual level, you can “give” things up to the Divine. If the
unfathomable occurs—for instance if a partner dies, betrays you, or leaves
suddenly—you may never understand. But it doesn’t “give” to life when you
stay frozen in shock. Feeling numb for a time is totally human. If you’ve
experienced something like this—consider that even though you don’t
understand, at some point you can let go in service to further life.
You can also give to yourself by choosing more self-care, seeing healers,
and praying for compassion. You can give to others by using your painful
experiences to support them—from literally teaching what you’ve learned to
simply being a loving presence. Don’t underestimate the power of this.
PRACTICE: Forgiveness Prayers
Please adapt the following to your specific needs, using these or any other
words that ring true to your heart. Speak them daily, and/or record and play them
back to yourself daily.
General Forgiveness Prayer
Dear Spirit,
Please help me to release and forgive anyone who has ever harmed me,
consciously or not, on any level, through all time. Please help others to release and
forgive me for any way I have harmed them, on any level, through all time.
Please help us all to release and forgive ourselves for any hurts or wrongs,
conscious or not, on every level throughout all time. Thank you.
To Forgive a Specific Person or Situation
_______________, I now release and forgive you through all time for
________________________________, and I see each of us and all concerned
bathed in love, guided by light, living the greatest plan for our lives in grace with
a giving spirit now and always. Amen.
Part 9
UNLEASHING YOUR CREATIVE ENERGY
Female creative energy is hugely powerful and hugely misunderstood. It’s been
both revered and denied in our culture. It is the source of all life, and try as you
might, you can’t shut it off.
Allow it fully and it makes a baby, a business, or beautiful home. With less
consciousness, you talk, shop, or organize. Push it down and it’s easy to end up sick,
depressed, or neurotic.
This force within you is both irresistibly attractive and totally overwhelming
to most men. The key is in how you direct it. In Part 9, you’ll receive practical tips
on how to use your creative energy successfully, particularly in your romantic
relationships.
Freeing your creativity erodes worries and doubts. Finding trust in it
dissolves tightness. Knowing how to use it unkinks the knots in your heart.
UNDERSTAND HOW YOUR CREATIVE ENERGY AFFECTS
HIM
We women have the incredible power to create life in our bodies.

Whether or not we’ve had children, have had a hysterectomy, or are in
menopause, that wiring is still there.
This is why we start planning our future on the first date with a man we
like. Our female creative energy thinks in time spans of 18 years. This is
appropriate when making a baby. Without awareness, it’s a programmed
instinct that puts pressure on situations it shouldn’t. Planning our future
together on the first date, pushing for commitment or marriage or even
revealing too much of ourselves in the early stages has been shown to drive
men away.
Being vulnerable and honoring our desire to bond are beautiful things.
However, cultivating our playfulness and taking our time is both more
attractive and more honoring of our value. So, I recommend trying to stay in
the moment more often, at least when you’re with him.
Besides making babies, we can use this energy for many things. Our 140
watts of power needs to go somewhere. Creative projects, cooking,
gardening, or starting a business can be great outlets.
If we aren’t using our feminine creativity constructively, it expresses any
way it can. Girlfriends chatting 100 miles an hour is one common example.
A more toxic and equally common occurrence is when we make a man our
project. Whether that means healing or coaching him, obsessing over how
to “get” him, or constantly correcting him and managing his behavior, it
overwhelms him and keeps us in a cycle of frustration.
Making a baby requires perfection. If we put the eyeball where the
kneecap goes, that would be a big problem. Men, however, are human and
by nature imperfect. Life is imperfect. So, nagging him because he’s 5
minutes late, telling him how to run his business, or analyzing how his
mother issues are affecting your marriage doesn’t tend to bring such great
results.
PRACTICE: Balancing Your Female Creative Energy
• Find a comfortable space to sit with your feet flat on the floor.
• Close your eyes, notice your breathing, and bring your attention to your
body and this moment.
• Ground yourself by visualizing a tree trunk or waterfall from your hips to
the center of the earth.
• A few feet out in front of your belly, imagine a ball of light made of colors
and energetic patterns. This is your female creative matrix, the psychic equivalent
of your womb.
• Now ground this ball of energy. See a light beam connecting it to the center
of the earth. This grounding allows you to release any invalidation, any
programming, or other people’s energy that’s been affecting your creativity. You
might see your ball get brighter, you may see pictures of what’s releasing, or you
might just feel or know things as this happens.
• Look at your female creative matrix and see what colors are starting to
emerge. Ask yourself: “If my creativity was fully expressed, what color would it be
today?” Let that color grow brighter and stronger.
• Now bring some of your female creative energy to the top of your head. This
balances things out and aligns your immense creativity with your soul’s purpose.
• When you’re ready, open your eyes and come out of meditation.
MYTHS OF THE FEMININE: THE FEMININE IS PASSIVE
Imagine for a moment that you’re a man walking into a room full of
women. Do you think you’d be most attracted to the quietest, most perfectly
dressed woman who seems bored—or to the one who’s smiling, laughing,
brightly dressed and glancing your way?
Men like to conquer but at the same time they don’t want to work so
hard to find you. Most of them work hard enough during the day. And by
“you,” I don’t mean your body, I mean your radiant energy. This is where
your creative energy works in your favor. That 140 watts of energy is
irresistible if it’s not directed towards him.
Translation: This isn’t about chasing him across the room, it’s just about
enjoying yourself and appearing available. If you’re feeling good, he’ll be
attracted. It’s a win-win because what attracts him most is your pleasure.
It’s easy to say and the effects are obvious but what trips some women
up is the feeling that maybe pleasure is not ok, that they don’t deserve it, or
that this is too easy. Part of being feminine is letting yourself be and receive.
So yes, it IS easy, and yes it works even in a committed relationship.
Sometimes this is especially important once you’ve been together a long
while, and you’ve long stopped dressing up for dates or getting excited every
time you see each other. In this case, ask yourself what makes you feel alive,
and allow yourself to enjoy whatever that is. Your partner will notice and
love you for it!
MYTHS OF THE FEMININE: THE FEMININE CAN NEVER
SPEAK FIRST
Over and over I see this in my clients. Whether it’s in dating situations
or long-term relationships, women have been afraid that speaking up is
either unsafe or will make them seem too masculine. And it’s not true.
Being feminine includes immense creativity, and to repress it does a dis-
service to everyone. The trick is in how we express it, especially with men.
Once I had a crush on a man for several years. Sometimes we’d flirt, I’d
feel such strong chemistry and was sure we’d be dating soon. I kept waiting
for him to make a move, but nothing happened.
Finally, I reached a point where I thought I was over it. I was weeks
away from moving out of state when he had a serious injury. Suddenly I was
sleepless and crying, feeling his pain, thinking I’d never see him again. As it
turns out, I got to see him once before I left. I had to share how I felt!
Heart fluttering, I said, “I always thought one day I’d get to know you
better, and then I thought I’d never see you again, so it’s such a gift to see
you today.” And I went on to describe many things I’ve admired about him
over the years. He smiled, obviously touched and said, “Well, keep in
touch.” We had about four big hugs within 30 minutes.
As I drove through the desert towards my new home days later, I felt
like my heart was bursting out of my chest. For days. I’d had no agenda, just
a pure desire to share, to not miss an opportunity to love. And his openness
was a powerful teaching for me.
If I had shared sooner, who knows what might have happened? Maybe
he hadn’t been interested or available to have a relationship with me. But
meanwhile, I realized how much creative energy I’d put into wondering, into
the lie of rejection. Regardless, I trust the timing of the conversation and am
infinitely grateful for knowing him and for the evolution it brought me.
This helped me re-write the rules I learned from my passive mother and
some old-fashioned relationship coaches. Previously, I believed if men didn’t
contact me first, they either weren’t available, or they weren’t strong enough
men. I also feared speaking first because I didn’t want to be the “man” in the
relationship.
While I think aspects of that philosophy are valid, I feel sad when I
realize how limiting it can be. I wish I hadn’t had such rigid ideas about
being pursued. Some men are just shy, or given a number of women to
choose from, they want to put their energy where they feel they have a
chance. They need a little invitation.
It’s one thing to chase a man, and it’s another thing to smile, ask him
about himself, or share your feelings in his presence. Looking back, I
remember how many intuitive friends suggested I express myself to my
friend during that last year we lived in the same town. My favorite line
came from my male chiropractor, who told me to say, “If you asked me out,
I’d say yes.”
“Men are lazy,” he said. “They need a little help.”
INVITE HIM
The masculine doesn’t like to be told what to do, how to be, or what to
think. However, there are ways to invite him. You’ll have better results with
less work.
Have you ever ranted for hours to your girlfriends about your partner’s
shortcomings, or about the inadequacies of men you meet? What if there
was a way to re-direct all that energy into actually evoking something else
from a man? There is, and that way is your art.
It’s like the old trick of dropping a handkerchief, or wearing high heels
so you appear vulnerable, but you don’t have to take it that far. With a subtle
change in your posture, he’ll open the door for you. Seeing your show of
enthusiasm about a certain movie, he’ll take you to see it. Hearing your
simple request for help, he’ll happily share all he knows.
You know it deep in your bones, but you may have to be the first of your
girlfriends or family to dare to do it. Your guy may never have seen it before,
so be patient, then watch the magic happen.
How comfortable are you in receiving? Does it feel safer to just take care
of yourself and not “need” anything from a man? We are all whole within
but are you willing to let go and expand into more than you can be on your
own?
Truly, the masculine is energized when he gives to you. If you have walls
up, he’ll go next door. And yes, he’ll go to a less attractive, less successful,
meaner woman if her heart is open more than yours. Men may seem dense,
but they feel this even if they can’t explain it. That’s why you might scream
at God knowing you’re the total package but keep getting passed by. Believe
me, I’ve been there.
Unfortunately, closing down in frustration generally means you’ll get
less prospects. With a conscious partner or on your own, though, clean
anger expressed in the moment can create breakthroughs. You don’t need to
avoid it or any other emotion, just stay connected in the moment and don’t
vent or project. If you have bottled up emotions that keep affecting your
current relationships, then work on releasing them on your own or with a
trusted professional.
Ask questions. You push a man away by constantly chattering (easy for
the feminine especially when we’re nervous) but you invite him in by being
genuinely curious. Engage him and he’ll be delighted and feel seen and
valued. Then he may be the one talking non-stop!
PRACTICE: Express More!
Get out your pen and explore how you could express more with the man or
men in your life. Maybe it’s about having more fun with your wardrobe or
sharing your feelings more openly. If you’re single, try smiling and holding eye
contact longer, or letting that special someone know how much he inspires you. In
a committed relationship, instead of changing or coaching your partner, perhaps
use that creative energy for something else that brightens your day. He just might
notice! What are your ideas? Write them down now.
Notes
GIVE ENERGY BUT NOT DIRECTION
Let’s say you want to change a man. Maybe you want your love interest
to make a move. What if your husband or boyfriend has some annoying
habits that you think would be easy to fix?
How do you influence him without emasculating him, pissing him off,
or making him feel like an idiot? Believe me, men are sensitive, and this is
easy to do!
Give energy but not direction. Pretend you’re dancing and let him lead
—but know he can’t lead if you’re stiff, or if you’re floppy and lifeless.
How this might translate is this… Let’s say he asks you out to a movie
you have no interest in but you’re very excited to get to know him. Do you
go anyway and pretend you like it? Do you say no with no reason, or make a
face?
What if you said something like “I’d love to go out with you but last
time I watched a violent movie I couldn’t sleep all night.” Then he feels your
interest and doesn’t feel criticized. He knows something more about you
and how to please you. All in one simple sentence. You don’t have to take it
any further, just stop there and see what he does.
You’ve just left the ball in his court. If he wants you and not just a
companion to see that movie with, he’ll try something else. Men love a
creative challenge. If he’s not really that interested or if he can’t think up
anything else to offer, that’s helpful for you to know early.
So many women assume men are idiots, when really, they just need cues
from us. It’s one thing to want him to take charge; but waiting for him to
read your mind is grandma-programming!
Some women might go on to ask the man to do something else. This
may be ok here and there, but it does put you in the masculine role. It means
you may not find out how interested he really is, and it doesn’t give him the
opportunity to be his Divine Masculine self.
SENSUALITY
We can get so fixated on being the “perfect” woman we think he wants.

If only we said all the right things, never had body hair or bad breath, and
wore all the trendiest outfits, we’d be assured of his love! Heck, you might
even try to perfect your “energy” by following everything in this book. Ha!
Thank Goodness, it isn’t that hard.
Well, for some of us, what I’m about to share will be harder: Get sensual.
If it’s easy for you, great. Go ahead and enjoy!
For many women, sensuality can be uncomfortable for various reasons—
anything from religious programming to serious trauma. If so, start slow
and give yourself extra TLC. Take one baby step and see how you feel
before moving on. You may need a few deep breaths; or you may need days
or weeks before reading more. Practicing regular meditation and energy
clearing is super important. If you’re getting stuck on your own, I highly
recommend finding a healer or counselor, or taking a yoga or dance class.
Ready to dive in? Ok! Sensuality is not about how your body looks. I’m
sure you’ve seen women of all shapes and sizes with great sex appeal. When
a woman feels good about herself, she moves in a delicious way. Her
pleasure draws you in… who wouldn’t want to experience it? Her sighs, her
gestures, the way she looks at you are all magnetic.
Sensuality is not necessarily about sex. If you’re struggling to feel
attractive, take a slow bite into some melty chocolate. Turn on your favorite
music and sway. Take a bubble bath. Stroke your wrists or your neck when
your workday gets dull.
Do these things when no one’s looking. Do them for yourself. Your
effort to be sexy is NOT sexy. Your pleasurable flow that someone might
accidentally walk in on is super sexy. It’s one of your feminine gifts.
PLAYFULNESS
Playfulness is your secret weapon. Playfulness attracts friends and

partners. Playfulness helps you through a dating challenge or marital crisis.
Playfulness creates a feeling of safety. It’s great medicine for our overly
serious world.
Once I liked a guy that I worked with. He told me he felt it too but
couldn’t date me due to professional boundaries. Intuitively, I sensed he was
guarded for other reasons. I could have poked and prodded, cried and
begged, or analyzed and coached him. Instead, I warmly shared everything
from my hurt feelings to deep respect to excited passion. I joked a bit and at
the right moment, I gently inquired about what I was sensing and
confirmed my hunch. He admitted that he’d been avoiding relationships due
to past heartbreak.
I said, “I want to blast your walls down.”
He cracked a smile and said, “They’re pretty thick, aren’t they.”
Playfulness can be hard to access unless you have a spiritual perspective.
I had to cry for days, pray a lot, and enlist the help of friends to get ready
for the above conversation. When things don’t go your way, remembering
that there’s a bigger picture provides huge relief. If it seems like you’re
flailing in the dark, this perspective is the crack that lets the light in.
Sometimes spirituality is approached with reverence but all the spiritual
masters I’ve ever witnessed are very funny! We can have both immense
respect and immense irreverence—for God, for love, and for life.
From a healing perspective, the only “danger-zone” is when energy gets
stuck. As long as we’re feeling our feelings, expressing ourselves, and facing
what life gives us—we can handle the pain and inevitable growth that
comes with being human.
Once we’ve felt it all, what’s left is freedom. Once we’ve forgiven, what’s
left is laughter. Only when we stop taking things too seriously, do we have
perspective and spaciousness. From this place we attract and create with
virtually no effort. It takes work but it’s not the work we generally think we
need to do.
EXPRESSING ARTFULLY
How do you know when to express, and when to relax and receive? And
when you do express, how do you know what’s “too much” or “too little”? It’s
a fine line, and the keys are:
• Sensitivity. As we discussed in Part 2, your feminine receptivity is
a gift. It will allow you to sense whether he’s open to you, and if so, what
to say and when to say it. Sometimes your timing, or a subtle tweak in
your tone or language makes all the difference!
• Playfulness. If you’re serious and stuck, any little thing you share
sounds heavy. When your energy is light and detached, knowing that
there’s a bigger picture, you can easily express deeper thoughts and
feelings. He relaxes and he hears more.
• Feeling messages. He can dismiss your ideas and resist your
advice. But he’ll listen when you share your own feelings without
analysis, especially when they’re located in your body. If you say, “I get a
warm feeling all over me when you talk about that,” how can he argue?
This approach has so many benefits! You get more in touch with
yourself, you get heard, and he relaxes. And for a man who has trouble
accessing his feelings, you just modeled for him how to do so. He feels
safer to feel and share when you go first, and especially when you don’t
try to coach him or evaluate him.
HOLDING BACK & OVEREXTENDING GO TOGETHER
Most of us women do either “too much” or “too little,” applying our

efforts in the wrong direction. The programming that says the feminine is
passive causes us to hold back our desires, our feelings, and our creativity.
The stuck feeling makes us really, really serious. Holding back causes us to
either explode or implode. One or the other is inevitable.
It’s particularly a problem when we express our feelings after the fact.
This is where women get the reputation of being crazy. Months or years
after he pissed you off, your angry outburst or sudden tears do seem nuts.
He has no context for them when you’re in the middle of a stroll through
the park. You seem unsafe. He doesn’t feel he can trust you and he certainly
doesn’t want to chance bringing you around his friends and family. You
think your emotions are the problem and you feel uncomfortable around
him, them, or both. Then you become more volatile, more bottled up, and
the whole thing spirals downhill really fast. Good luck getting out of this
one!
Your emotions were never the problem. Assuming they’re your emotions
(see the exercise, “How to Feel Your Emotions and Release Those That Aren’t
Yours” from Part 6), the main problem is timing. Yell at him when he steps
on your toe or cry when he forgets your anniversary, and he’ll get it. Any
man who cares about you won’t want to see you upset, and if he knows why,
he’ll want to fix it. You get what you want, and he feels relieved that he can
do something.
It’s known that most men like a woman who’s “low maintenance,” but
consider that your authenticity is actually easier than you pretending to be
“nice” constantly. Being happy all the time is not normal, and therefore it’s
not trustable. Of course, if you get triggered during a business meeting or in
front of your kids, you may need to bring it up later—but don’t wait too
long. Respond genuinely in each moment and he relaxes, knowing where he
stands.
Another reason we might hold back then overdo it later is if we’ve fallen
into the belief that we’re powerless as women. Playing an overly passive role
due to our programming, we allow things to happen that we wouldn’t have
chosen. Assuming we can’t or shouldn’t rock the boat, we go with the flow
and then overcompensate once we realize we don’t like what’s happening.
This can show up in subtle ways, such as not speaking up in a conversation,
then becoming controlling or passive-aggressive. At more extreme levels, it
can lead to breakups or domestic violence. Again, the keys are listening to
your senses, detaching through spiritual focus and playfulness, and
expressing things early before they build up.
Another time we overextend is when feminine vulnerability feels
unfamiliar. It wasn’t modeled to us. For those of us that grew up in the age
of feminism, we tend towards acting strong, leaning into our inner
masculine in the name of equality. And so, we “do” and “think” and “achieve”
more than our feminine selves want to. To soften and receive feels out of
control. We don’t want to get trapped like our grandmothers. We aren’t sure
if today’s men will step up. These are valid concerns, and yet we can lead the
way.
AS A WOMAN, YOU ARE MEANT TO LEAD
The river shapes the riverbank. As women, our energy and creativity
become the guiding light in a man’s world. Yes, he has his own purpose
independent of us, and he needs to have that. Consider though that you’re
fuel for that purpose. You teach, lead, and inspire any man who gets close to
you, and you even guide the masculine energy on the planet.
We are leaders because we have the power to create life, along with the
spiritual and practical gifts that come with this. We lead from our hearts,
not from reason or action. These things have a place. But just as the
riverbank serves the river, they must serve the heart in order to be in
balance.
Your heart is the wellspring from which you give your creative gifts, your
love and purpose. Your heart knows your truth and feels your way through
every situation. It is the point of balance between your mind and your body,
and it harmonizes your various needs as well as those of others. Here, you
have the gift of compassion, which means “with passion.” Compassion is not
a boring state of peace!
In recent times, many people have confused feminine leadership with
women acting like men. In part because of all our cultural distortions, some
men express more feminine qualities than some women. It’s lovely how the
Divine Feminine is waking up in all of us! And for those of us with female
bodies, may we wake up to the leadership qualities we innately have!
It’s the feminine that considers how people are feeling, that sees
interconnectedness and has the intuitive vision to steer things in positive
direction. It is our unconditional love that helps others feel valued and safe,
and our creativity which brings new solutions.
May we offer these natural gifts freely, all while celebrating the
masculine-- just as the river celebrates the riverbank.
PRACTICE: Activating Your Heart’s Leadership
• For this one, I recommend standing with your feet flat on the floor.
• Relax your body, drop down into your hips, and send a grounding
cord down from there into the center of the earth.
• Soften your belly. Soften your heart.
• Begin to sway your arms side to side, up and down.
• Take your right hand to your left shoulder and swipe your hand all
the way down to the tips of your left fingers. Repeat on the inside and outside
of each arm.
• Rub your hands together until you feel a tingle between your palms.
• Your arms and hands are channels for your heart’s expression as well
as your voice and creativity. Shake your hands over your head as you enjoy the
feeling of more energy flowing through these channels.
• Ask your heart what it would like to share now. Are some of your
gifts ungiven? Are there ways you could express more love? Have you been
holding back your creativity or passion? If so and you started to share more,
what would that look like? Take all the time you need to observe your heart’s
yearnings.
• Next, feel with your heart into the heart of someone you love. If
there’s no one in particular, feel into the world or some segment of the world.
What is this person or group feeling? What are they needing? Don’t take these
feelings into your body, just sense with your heart.
• Considering both your gifts and others’ needs, ask your heart if there
are ways you could lead more effectively. Listen and observe for as long as
you’d like, then come out of meditation.
Part 10
TAKING RESPONSIBILITY
We women are naturally responsible. Since we are wired to make babies, it’s
instinctive in us. Misapplied, it’s common for us to assume responsibility for
things that aren’t ours. This can cause a lot of pain and psychic confusion.
Getting caught up in the “mother” archetype, past trauma, and cultural
wounds around masculine-feminine dynamics may contribute to this. Sometimes
we fear we won’t get what we want, and it’s hard to relax and receive. Then we
become hyper-functional as if to assure it.
On the other hand, stuck in the feminine distortion of neediness, we project
responsibility elsewhere. “He did it to me.” “If only I could find the right guy, or if
only he’d do what I want—all my problems would be solved.” We try to seduce, or
we do nothing, feeling helpless. That’s not it either!
Part 10 gives you tools to boost your confidence by becoming responsible for
yourself and your happiness. It teaches you artfulness rather than coercion. It
releases you from the binds of all the things you thought you had to fix that you
just don’t!
Ready?
WHAT IS HEALTHY RESPONSIBILITY?
I used to sell a “Loving Relationship” flower essence blend at holistic

expos. It was amusing how often women would point to it and say, “I don’t
need this, but my husband does!” Of course, if they didn’t need healing, they
wouldn’t be complaining about men. When I get clients like this, I help
them find their power by seeing what they can shift (energetically or
physically) to improve their relationships.
Often, my client thinks her man is causing the problem and completely
misses what she’s doing to contribute to it. In other cases, she has become
her mother or his mother, and she is living out a story that doesn’t apply to
now. Sometimes, she responds to things through the lens of all the past
hurts she never fully felt. Her husband might deeply love her. However, she
blames him because the way he shows it reminds her of the way her father
disappointed her. Responsibility in these cases means being self-aware
enough to see the current situation clearly.
Responsibility sounds so serious! Taken literally, it simply means the
ability to respond. When you fully inhabit your feelings and body, you will be
able to respond based on what feels good or bad to you. From an embodied
place, you’ll see clearly. And then, you’ll simply require everything in your
world to line up with your self-love. Something (whether a behavior or a
whole relationship) that doesn’t match this love will just be obvious.
You can say, “Yes, please,” or “No, thank you,” as the lady you are and
stay soft and open. You can simply move in the direction of what pleases
you and express yourself as you feel your way into different possibilities.
When you get really good at this, you don’t get very far down the wrong
road before your body says “stop.” And here, there is no drama.
You can use more “I” statements in conversation and do your best to
avoid blame. For example, “You never do the dishes” might cause him to do
the dishes but, in succumbing, he’ll feel like a little boy who got in trouble.
Saying something like “I’ve had such a long day, and the idea of doing
dishes exhausts me” allows him to step up as a man proud to make you
happy. The result is totally different!
It can be scary to take your attention off of his behavior and focus on
yourself. But he’ll feel such relief that you aren’t fixing or coaching him, and
he’ll finally relax when your words and actions line up with his sense of
where you’re at. Even when you feel guilty or scared that you’re not doing
what he seems to want, you might be surprised at how your self-care will
draw him towards you.
Sometimes this looks dramatic. For example, if a man is not
committing, you may have to leave or date other men even though you
really want him. With a man who’s controlling or if you’ve lost yourself in
your support role, you might start a job or creative project.
Healthy responsibility includes trusting that life is bigger than your
current circumstances. Know that the love you crave is “out there” as well as
within you. When you really believe this, the right man will feel honored to
be with you. You’ll never 100% please anyone on a personality level, and
that’s ok.
WHAT IS TOXIC RESPONSIBILITY?
If you try ignoring your feelings, they’ll only get stronger. He’ll feel the
disconnect between where you’re at and how you show up. You’ll know
something’s wrong, but you won’t know what, so you’ll do what’s culturally
acceptable—that is, look outside yourself and try to fix something “out
there.” And if that means him, he’ll really start to fuss. Now you’ll have even
more to process. But because you can never solve his stuff for him and
because only you can solve your own, it will be a tangled-up, never-ending
maze.
With my college boyfriend, I ended up taking responsibility for every
issue that came up. I felt like I was in a “good relationship” because we had
so much in common and we talked a lot. It took me years to realize I was
always taking the blame, trying to fix whatever issues arose.
It felt so “normal” to do it that way. That’s how I did it with my dad.
That’s what I saw women doing everywhere—but it’s disempowering to
everyone involved.
Besides being overly accommodating when they’re late or don’t follow
through with something, and besides always being the one to patch up an
argument, your taking toxic responsibility can happen energetically. For
example, let’s say your partner had a rough childhood where his father
talked down to his mother. Maybe his mother was a control freak. All of a
sudden, he starts criticizing you, and you anxiously monitor his every move.
If you didn’t have those patterns in past relationships, you’ve likely absorbed
his issues and are acting them out.
Taking responsibility for something like this is like entering a black
hole. Being aware, releasing what’s not yours, and relating to each other with
compassion will yield much better results.
PRACTICE: Are You Appropriately Responsible?
How could you take more healthy responsibility? Are there ways you’re taking
toxic responsibility?
Notes
WHEN HIS ENERGY MAKES YOU FEEL HEAVY
Focusing on him rather than yourself can make you feel “heavy” quite
quickly! Now, taking on anyone’s energy besides your own is confusing. But
for a woman, taking on a man’s energy can literally cause weight gain!
Neither feminine nor masculine energy is better or worse, as there’s a
need for both in the world. But try running 40 watts of energy (his) through
a 140-watt body (yours) and see how you feel. At times like this, your
natural zing feels enveloped in sludge. Your energy feels “thick” and your
thoughts and body slow down. “Ugh. What’s wrong?” you think. It’s easy to
get depressed.
Healing him, or serving his need at your own expense, comes at a high
price. It doesn’t even work, because he’s not attracted to you when your
energy is just like his. Especially when he’s in a rough space! In these
moments he needs your light. Dance, fill your own cup, and let him see it
without pouring it into him.
On this note, simply being together all the time can cause a
depolarization of energy between you and your man. This is where some
older couples even start to look alike. The romantic fantasy of being
“inseparable” isn’t as romantic as it seems.
PRACTICE: How to Heal Any Relationship by Separating Your
Energies
• Sit down with your feet flat on the floor and close your eyes.
• Begin to notice your breathing and the sensations in your body.
• Create your grounding cord, that tree trunk or waterfall that allows you to
release energy and anchor in your body.
• Now, consider a relationship that you feel challenged or confused in, or that
you would like to take to the next level.
• Ask yourself: “What color makes me feel powerful, clear, and good in
relationship to this person?” “What color feels best for him or her?” Make sure these
colors are different from one another.
• Now, imagine two bubbles a few feet out in front of you, one representing
yourself and one symbolizing this other person. Make sure there is space between
them and ground each one to the center of the earth.
• If there is any of your color in the other bubble or any of his/her color in
yours, see the colors going back where they belong. As you do this, you are
effectively returning each of your energies to your own bodies. You are eliminating
confusion over whose stuff is whose, so you can see each other and yourselves
clearly. You are restoring attraction and a feeling of spaciousness.
• You may complete this one quickly or enjoy the clearing and new awareness
as long as you would like before opening your eyes.
Some women resist this one because they’re afraid that separating energies
will cause them and their partner to disconnect. From what I have seen, the
opposite tends to happen! This exercise causes polarity to return so partners can be
magnetized together (in a good way) rather than pushed apart.
I have heard many stories of relationship breakthroughs following this one!
This is a good practice to do regularly, even when a relationship is going well, as a
form of “energy maintenance.”
WHY ARE YOU GIVING?
You might say, “I get why I should love myself and stop fixing my man,
yet I can’t seem to do it.”
This is totally normal. Our spirits and minds are usually way ahead of
our emotions and body. We may easily grasp a concept years before we apply
it in our lives.
Besides having patience, there is something you can do. Ask yourself:
“Why am I giving?” You can apply this to anything, including men. Don’t
assume it’s bad to give, just ask the question.
For example, if you try “fixing” a man out of fear of what will happen if
you don’t (for example: that you’ll be alone, broke, childless, un-loved,
embarrassed, etc.), he’ll feel that and resist you. If you give to him because
you think he’s incapable, that can really take him down. Are you doing this
because it feels safer, because you feel more in control? If you truly doubt
him, it may help to ask why you are with him.
Giving is a wonderful thing, when you give from your overflow, in
service to another. There’s a fine line between sharing the strengths you have
that he doesn’t and belittling or overriding him. The difference is the feeling
you have inside. The key is learning to distinguish giving from
unconditional love from giving out of fear or need.
Next time you feel inclined to give, pause first. Feel and sense in the
moment whether you’re coming from joy or fear. When it’s joy, blaze
forward. When it’s fear, step back and address the feelings before acting. Try
some of the meditations in previous chapters to work through your
emotions. Then see if, what, and how you’re drawn to share with him.
We are meant to give. The pain of not giving is even worse than the pain
of not getting. When we give well, it exponentially elevates the love we
share.
PRACTICE: From Fear and Need to Unconditional Giving
This is a meditation to heal fearful motivations behind your giving, and to

connect to your overflowing heart.
• Find your meditation space, sit, and ground.

• Breathe into your body, and as you exhale, begin to release stress and
fear down into the earth.
• Reflect on a time you gave to someone because you needed something, or
because you were afraid. Or, perhaps you are drawn to give to someone for
these reasons now?
• Create the image of a big, fluffy rose in full bloom. See it in your minds’
eye, a few feet in front of your body, facing you.
• Imagine this rose has a “vacuum” action, and that it sucks up all the
fear and need that you are ready to release. Any related stories, beliefs,
programming, or other people’s energy also get drawn into the rose. Take some
time with this, and notice what pictures, feelings, or messages arise. Breathe
deeply and allow yourself to be surprised. Be curious and innocent as a child.
• Once you feel complete with this clearing, notice the rose. Did it change
color, get bigger or smaller or heavier?
• Next, send the rose off as far as you can imagine, to the edge of the
horizon where it goes “poof!” in a burst of light.
• Bring your awareness back to your body in this moment.
• Create a giant golden sun a few feet above your head. Let this sun
attract all your energy back from other people and places, future and past. Call
your power back from needing anyone to be or do anything. See rays of gold
pouring into your sun, representing your pure life force energy returning.
• On your next inhale, allow this golden light to pour through you,
especially replenishing the places you just cleared within your body and energy
field. Replace that fear with trust, love, and your own creative power. Allow
the sunlight to radiate completely within your body and aura before you open
your eyes.
HOW NOT TO GIVE HIM ENERGY
If you feel like you’ve lost yourself, if you’re not sure what you’re
passionate about outside of your relationship with him—you might take a
look at whether you’re giving him energy inappropriately. This is a subtle
thing, and it does not necessarily match what you’re doing or saying.
For example, I have a client whose ex-boyfriend kept popping into her
mind. Even though they were together years ago, even though he’s now
married to someone else—she knew they were still energetically connected.
Her intuition was strong, and she asked me for help.
As it were, she’d been feeling blah lately, lacking in motivation. As much
as she meditated and did her self-care practices, she couldn’t seem to move
forward with her business or dating. Even with the cleanest diet and
supplements and expert doctors, her health issues did not resolve. She went
to work and through the motions of life as if she were walking through a
swamp.
When I took a look, I saw her energy was over with her ex-boyfriend.
He wasn’t happy in his marriage, but it looked good on paper, so he stayed
in it. Meanwhile, his energetic connection with my client kept a spring in
his step as it deflated her.
They were in occasional communication, and she knew he’d been doing
really well with his business. In the patriarchal model, it’s been common for
women to give their creative energy away to the men who support them. I
think this is why so many women have low thyroid—since the thyroid
relates to the throat chakra and creative expression. If it’s conscious, it may
work for some couples for the woman to play the supporting role. However,
I feel this can be done in a way where each person retains their wholeness,
and I find more men and women wanting this.
When we give to each other from our overflow, we naturally support
each other without depleting ourselves. This is key—to give what you have
plenty of and not simply because of his need or yours.
Because my client’s former partner was open to the world of energy, I
recommended she text him and say, “You’ve been popping into my mind a
lot lately. Let me know if you need to talk. Otherwise, would you please call
your energy back.”
She liked this idea, and also called her own energy back from him. It
would have been easy to blame him for “using” her energy but blame never
works. Since she’d been working on boundaries, it was a perfect moment to
see where she over-gave in attempt to get love or feel valued and connected.
DON’T RUN YOUR SEXUAL ENERGY THROUGH HIM
This was a shocker when my psychic teacher said it: “Ladies, don’t run
your sexual energy through a man.” Hmmm… I wondered. Isn’t it fun to
feel the sexual energy flowing with a love interest or new partner? That
helps to keep me interested. What could be the harm?
My teacher answered it with his next line: “If you do, he’ll go for
anything that moves.” Oh! I realized, if I’m giving him sexual energy when
I’m not present, he will feel it and want to act on it wherever he is. Of
course, there are good conscious men who are faithful, but you don’t want to
tempt him. Especially if you’re not yet dating or in a committed
relationship, he has no need to choose you, and so you’ll want to give him
reason to pursue you.
I have firsthand experience with this, and it stings! We women get so
mad but in a case like this, the man’s not actually “cheating”. It feels like that
to us because we’re invested, we’re wired for connection and we feel our
energy exchange with him as if it’s “real”. The truth is that our giving to him
is fueling what we don’t want. The real anger is at ourselves for giving more
than we’re getting.
You may wonder: what do you do instead? Go ahead and feel the spark
when you’re with this man. Let your sexual energy flow. Flirt and enjoy your
connection. Then, as soon as you’re physically apart, see him in his own
bubble and come back to your own bubble and body. Feel your sexual energy
flowing through your body and let his image dissolve in your mind.
Disconnect any energy cords between you and use the gold sun technique to
fill yourself back up with any energy you gave to him, consciously or not.
Probably he’ll be calling you soon. Meanwhile, the following exercise
will help.
PRACTICE: Calling Your Energy Back from His Life to Yours
• Sit in meditation and imagine a man you’re interested in, dating, or have
been thinking of.
• Visualize your tree trunk, waterfall or other grounding cord connecting
your hips to the center of the earth. Exhale and relax your body.
• Smooth out your aura and choose a color to surround yourself with. See your
energetic field radiating 3 to 4 feet out all around you and tuck it in into your
grounding cord below your feet.
• Consider the man on your mind. With your eyes closed, imagine a bubble or
bubbles several feet in front of you, each representing the energy you’re giving to
various aspects of his life. For example, see a bubble for any relationship he has
with another woman. See a one for his work, finances, or home. Ground each of
these bubbles, and as you do, drain your energy out of his life.
• You are not taking anything that’s his here, just releasing what’s yours so he
can find his own way and experience his own reality. Grounding these bubbles
just returns your energy to where it naturally belongs.
• As a gesture of support, connect each of his bubbles to the light when you’re
done grounding them. I like to see a golden stream of light pouring into any
person or situation I’d like to help. This affirms the greatest good for that person or
situation, without involving me personally. Try it and see it feels.
• When you’re done, release each of these bubbles fully to the light, seeing
them dissolve.
• Then fill yourself in with a big gold sun and come out of meditation.
MEN DO CHANGE FOR WOMEN, JUST NOT WHEN WE TRY
TO FIX THEM
It’s a fine line between nagging or coaching and requiring something of

your man. Again, it’s about self-love. When you love yourself, your
boundaries naturally fall into place. Yes, please, I’ll take cherishing,
guidance, and protection. No, thank you, I can’t align with flakiness, lies, or
abuse. Simple as that. It’s not a discussion.
For example, a financially stable women who loves herself rarely chooses
a man who doesn’t pull his weight (consistently on some level, even if not
monetary). By contrast, one who doubts her worth may over-give, and a
woman in scarcity might attract a man in scarcity.
The way you live, think, and feel creates an “energy broadcast.” If your
energy is not aligned with what you say you want in your man, you will tend
to coach or nag him. Your need for him to change is a way to bypass your
own issues and disown your power.
I’m not saying you shouldn’t want a man to change if he doesn’t meet
your standards. However, there’s a huge difference in the way you approach
it! By standing in your truth and requiring it of him (sometimes without
saying a word), you are more powerful and yet more persuasive. He gets to
feel like the man and do it for you. No one, especially the masculine, likes to
be nagged into doing things or to feel like they’re being reprimanded.
If you choose to speak, an especially powerful approach is to say some
version of “I believe in you, I see your greatness, and when you did XYZ, it
didn’t match who I know you to be.” When I did this early in our
relationship, my past partner would get quiet, go chant, and wake up a
different man the next day. After a couple years, his mother said to me, “You
are the best thing that ever happened to him!” She saw so much change.
YOU NOT FIXING HIM GIVES HIM A GIFT
By your standing in your feminine heart, loving yourself, and requiring a

conscious man who inspires and honors you, he feels excited and
challenged. So far in his life, he likely only changed because he “should.” His
mother, school, and society all directed him in ways he followed so as not to
get in trouble. Probably the “bad boy” inside him squirmed and pushed
against this, even if he complied.
The conscious men in his life may have called him out on his stuff. It
was probably moderately satisfying to change for his peers or mentors. He
did it and felt like a good man because of it.
But then you come along. He feels that rush in his heart that he’ll do
anything for you. He feels scared that in doing so, he’ll lose himself.
And you stay soft and grounded, not settling for anything less than his
best self. As he rises to the greatness you see in him, his chest puffs up as if
he’s just climbed a mountain. He feels on top of the world, like he can do
anything.
ASSUME THAT MEN WORSHIP WOMEN
Your light makes his world go around. Why do you think there is a
beautiful woman on almost every billboard? He wants little more than to
make you shine.
Here, the fact that he was born from a woman works in your favor. The
feminine made him, in a sense. He is in awe of your creative power. It
terrifies him and inspires him like nothing else.
You don’t have to be tough like a man for him to take you seriously.
Doing business with him? Maybe. But in your love life, that can push him
away.
Your feminine energy is already enough. If you quit trying to effort your
way and simply drop into it, you will know what I mean.
HOW TO TEACH HIM WITHOUT EMASCULATING HIM
Men take women as teachers all the time, though often not formally.
The saying “Behind every great man is a great woman” speaks to this. In a
marriage with traditional roles, the wife often holds the vision and provides
support for her husband’s external success. Without her doing so, he might
work the same hours with fewer results.
Now, in modern life, sometimes the man holds space for the woman’s
vision, and some same-sex couples may take on masculine-feminine roles
for combined success. In other cases, the “muse” might be a teacher or
daughter or friend—not always a romantic partner.
If you think about it, in order to manifest anything, we need both
emotional desire and action. We need both creative expression and
structure. In general, the feminine lives life emotionally while the masculine
is more achievement oriented. The feminine, at her best, has grace and
intuition that inspires the masculine.
So how do you offer your gifts without emasculating him? First of all,
however you do it, connect daily to your own body, heart, and soul. When
you are steeped in self-care, it will feel natural to care for another. And you’ll
inspire him to care for you at least as well as you are caring for you.
Another great guideline is “show, don’t tell.” Correcting or criticizing
him won’t work. Being a model of grace will. When your heart or intuition
don’t align with something he says or does, or when you feel you need to
direct him in some way, share it with an “I”-statement. For example, say, “I
feel so incredibly happy when I imagine us in a new house with three
bedrooms and plenty of light,” not “You need to buy us a bigger and
brighter house you mother-fucker.”
“LETTING HIM DO HIS THING”
It had been a year or more since they dated. Every few months, I would
hear from her with an “update” after she spoke with him. The story hadn’t
changed much; he still “wasn’t ready” to be in a relationship with her.
Proud of her progress in letting go even a little, my client told me, “I’m
doing my best to let him do his thing.”
I replied, “It’s not yours to let or not let. He’s going to do what he does.”
I could feel the “thump” of truth hitting through her silence.
Her comment revealed her assumption that she got to control what he
did. She assumed that even though it had been over a year, even though it
wouldn’t be healthy even if they were dating. If I felt that energy from
someone, I wouldn’t be “ready” either!
This is one of the ways we women control men unconsciously. Of
course, we’re hardwired to mother and it’s one of the natural aspects of the
feminine. However, it belongs with our children, not with our partners. It
can be really tempting, however, because men also have their part in it.
MOST MEN HAVE NOT REALLY SEPARATED FROM THEIR
MOTHERS
You know the saying, “Girls mature faster than boys?” As I see it, it’s not
that girls are naturally superior, it’s just that we get a running start at birth.
All babies are born out of a mother. So, when we girls come out of a female
body, we are already in our element. Boys have to separate at some point to
become men. At puberty, their voices drop, and they shoot up like
beanstalks, generally much taller than their mothers. They love their
mothers, but it no longer feels good to be immersed in feminine energy.
Their hormones dictate this but attachment between mother and son can
make this separation challenging and confusing.
Fast forward to adulthood, and some men naturally have strong
feminine sides. Others haven’t fully expressed their masculine because they
haven’t fully “grown up.”
Some of these men are totally loving and sweet, which can be attractive
to those of us still healing from the effects of patriarchy. However, some
men that love to cuddle don’t initiate or come through in the bedroom.
Some are men who will eat your food for months and never pay for any of it
or ever clean up after a meal. These are the men who frequently borrow your
car or your money but “aren’t ready” for commitments or children.
Author and relationship expert Pat Allen called these men “Peter Pans.”
They aren’t really wanting a woman to lead and direct the relationship (play
the masculine role) but they aren’t taking on that role either. They may even
get annoyed when a woman makes decisions for them or judges them as
incapable. At the same time, they may not see their own role in disowning
their masculine energy.
And what men often don’t realize is that most women really prefer that
men lead. We generally take over either because we’re feeling unsafe in our
femininity and vulnerability, or because our man is not doing it. We get
exasperated and jump in thinking “someone’s got to do this.”
Usually as women, if we’re with a “Peter Pan,” some part of us is afraid
to let go and receive. And while men have their work to do, our piece is to
discover and face our own fears of vulnerability. When we anchor in our
self-love and awaken our feminine, it will feel great to be led by a conscious
man, and we won’t need to fix anyone.
MEN AND BOUNDARIES
Often when men have boundary issues with women, they actually have
boundary issues with their mothers. They both attract the partners who will
trigger them, and they project these issues onto them.
Men have created all kinds of drama and even ended good relationships,
just because they needed to set a boundary with some woman. It could
almost be any woman because all they need is someone to stand in for their
mother and to claim the boundaries that they never did growing up. This
can be healing for the man, and yet painful and confusing for both because
it’s a response to a past situation rather than to what’s happening in the
present.
Most of the time this is unconscious. One client said his relationship
with his mother was fine now, so he didn’t understand why there would be a
boundary issue. So, I asked about his childhood and learned he felt totally
overpowered by his mother growing up.
Even when something is no longer happening on the surface, it may
linger on an energetic level. For example, a man might never speak to his
mother but still have a psychic agreement to heal her. This might cause him
to feel inappropriately guilty, or worry a lot, or make it hard to access his
sexuality.
This is where awareness of energy comes in really handy. When you
sense these things, you can help your man by expressing your displeasure.
Without analyzing or fixing him, be obviously turned on when you feel
his firmness—meaning his solid, masculine energy in every area. Worship
him when he is decisive, trustable, and grounded in his body.
When he acts weak and floaty, don’t get strong and take over. Don’t
become his mother, which is what he is unconsciously commanding you to
do. Instead, you can get even softer than he is, and see if he comes forward.
PRACTICE: Using a Mirror to Deflect Projection
If you know or suspect that someone is projecting on to you, here is a tool. It’s
subtle but you’ll be surprised at how this makes your life easier.
• Sit in a comfortable, quiet spot with your feet flat on the floor.
• Breathe, close your eyes, and ground yourself.
• Imagine a colored bubble a few feet out around you in every direction,
marking your sacred space.
• Consider someone you feel may be projecting their emotions, desires, or
issues onto you.
• Now, put the image of a mirror reflecting outward on the outside edge
of your aura. This way, when anyone projects on to you, they have to see
themselves, and their energy will get sent back to them.
• When you’re done, fill in with a gold sun and come out of meditation.
Part 11
YEARNING WITHOUT NEEDING AND THE ART OF INFINITE
CONTAINMENT
How do you handle yourself when you really want a man? What if you really
do need or desire something from your partner? How and when do you display
your yearning without becoming needy? What if, in trying not to be needy, you
deny your heart and unknowingly put up a wall?
It’s a fine line between yearning and needing. One is a natural feminine
quality and one is a distortion. They almost appear the same!
Infinite containment is the byproduct of having both feminine and masculine
polarities alive in you. It indicates you’re a woman of grace, a woman of
wholeness, and it attracts the best from the men around you.
Besides illuminating these distinctions, Part 11 offers additional practical
exercises so you can feel into this for yourself. Join me here, and let’s take another
step into the art of love.
BE YEARNING NOT NEEDY
Desire is your passion pressing beyond yourself into full expression, in

collaboration with life. You are here to enliven the world and give your gifts.
It satisfies your heart like nothing else to do so.
Need comes from “I’m empty; you have to fill me up.” Remember, a
masculine man is already empty. He is attracted to your fullness and
depolarized by your need.
Your yearning comes from your overflow, from your sensing an ecstatic
dance possible and yet unborn. The seed has been planted and as you squint
your eyes just so, you see the ground quivering. “When will the beauty burst
forth?” you wonder like an eager child. Before your love is actualized, you
yearn from the knowing of how good it will feel to give and share.
He wants to give to you, as long as you don’t need him to do this. He’ll
proudly take a beautiful, limp flower to the window to give her sunlight, but
he won’t make that same flower grow out of nothing. You have to get it
started. Remember the feminine leads with energy, light, and sweetness.
Knowing that your pain stems from what you’re not giving, it’s easier to
let go of need. Releasing the cultural programs of being overly passive and
of waiting and depending on a man, you can click into yearning. You can
liberate yourself from that ugly state of contraction just by letting yourself
feel fully. It’s not based on what you “get.”
Desire stays and it’s not wrong. It’s just what’s behind it that makes or
breaks the outcome.
PRACTICE: What Do You Yearn For?
Refer back to Part 3 on the qualities of the true feminine, and to the final
exercise in Part 6, where you wrote what you desired to give and receive in a
relationship. What are you yearning for now? Paint that picture here, without
putting anyone’s name on it.
Notes
YOUR NEED REPELS HIM, OR ATTRACTS HIS CONTROL
When you’re needing and expecting that he fulfills you, it’s as if you’re
saying, “I’m nothing, I’m worthless. You make me something.” He may
temporarily succumb to your demands but in doing so he implicitly agrees
with your low self-concept. Over time, this erodes any attraction he had for
you and requires you to push harder and harder, or resort to more and more
drama. No one feels good here, and it erodes many relationships.
At the beginning, before you “had” him, you wouldn’t have dared be so
pushy. You knew you had to “put it out” in some way to attract him, and you
both enjoyed that dance. Not knowing yet that he “had” you, the possibility
of your dating others or not needing him actually drove him to give to you.
As soon as we get close or committed, old programming gets activated.
At this point, both men and women tend to become more of what family or
culture taught us than is really true for us. Some of this is in our DNA, and
it really kicks in when a woman gets pregnant or gives birth. Even becoming
exclusive or sharing more intimacy than you’re used to can stir things up. So
be watchful at these moments. For example, many see marriage as an
achievement, when in fact it is a beginning that requires nurturing and
continual intention.
Your expressed neediness attracts his reciprocal patriarchal control. He
doesn’t mean to be the way he’s being any more than you mean to be the
way you’re being. It’s just that your operating off of this passive feminine
program almost requires it of him. He thinks, “You’re gonna whine and pull
on me? Well then, I’ll show you who’s boss!” It comes out of instinct, from
what he learned rather than who he is. It comes out of his disappointment
that you’re not the woman he chose, that you went “crazy” on him. It turns
on his self-doubt. He wonders why he didn’t see this coming, and out of
mistrust in himself and in love, he closes down more. You trigger each other
and things spiral down really quickly. The good news is that as long as either
one of you change the pattern, you can both get out of it.
In a long-term relationship, of course you are going to need things. See
if you can be open about how certain needs get met. For example, money,
favors, and conversation—do these always need to come from him? Of
course, you have your bare-bones requirements for a partner that you
created in Part 2. These are personal to you, and if you need your man to
have a job or be monogamous, I’m not saying you should stop needing these
things. I’m not suggesting you should be so full of money or commitment
that it makes up for his irresponsibility. I’m talking about once you meet a
suitable man, how to not mess it up.
PRACTICE: Letting Every Day Be New
Whether you’re in the exploratory phase of dating or in a long-term

relationship, this is a great practice. Remembering that exhilaration of getting to
know each other, and how “lit up” that you felt, be in that space of “overflow”
when you’re with him. If your relationship is super established or troubled, or if
you’ve had trauma and cannot remember feeling “lit up,” think of anything that
brings you great joy—for instance, a sunset, friends or family, or your favorite
food. Tap into that feeling when you’re with your man (or a man you desire).
Be in a space of appreciation, as if you’re on a first date. You’re in awe of him
and the moment. Get curious about him instead of assuming he’s a certain way
based on past experience. He’ll love you for this; it will feel good to him, even if he
doesn’t consciously know what you’re doing. Not to mention, his old irritating
habits might just fade when you quit giving them attention!
Pretending that you’ve just met, it doesn’t occur to you to grasp at anything.
You wouldn’t dare lean on him because you have no guarantee he’ll want a second
date. How can you show him the ways you add value to his life?
If you want to attract his generosity, protection, and free-flowing love, you
can lean back, breathe into your body, and consciously receive. However, the second
you try to control what he’s giving you or how he delivers it, you get his control.
He is a mirror of you. The reflection you see is both the opposite and the same as
what you put out.
WHAT HAPPENS IF YOU DON’T YEARN?
When you live from your fullness, all your feelings have a place. There is
an odd feeling of satisfaction even in the midst of tears or anger. You’re right
there with what’s happening. You’re free and super energetic because
nothing is repressed (and avoiding things really drains your life force!).
Since your emotions are moving by definition, you yearn to ride each wave
to the other side. You are living naturally.
When you numb yourself to life, you miss the good stuff as well as the
bad. Half present, it’s difficult to access your yearning. “It’s just as well,” you
tell yourself. “At least I don’t have to suffer this way.”
One problem here is that he wants you to yearn. If you don’t yearn, he
experiences you as a wall and goes elsewhere. You don’t enliven him when
you’re numb. Besides, his natural masculine wants to give to you, and he
cannot give to a wall.
Shutting down is one way to stop yearning. Another way is to fill
yourself aimlessly with shallow sex, food, or substances. You may have heard
the advice of “circular dating” for women looking to attract a relationship
(so she doesn’t feel or appear needy). However, this can backfire. It turns off
your yearning, which he needs to feel. It can also make you appear unstable
or less selective, and therefore less valuable.
The “angry feminist” strategy of not needing anything from a man can
also send the wrong message. I think the key here is authenticity. Fill
yourself up, take care of your life, and feel your feelings. If in doing so you
make money, achieve something, and get happy—your true match will still
want you. By contrast, if you become a hardened, driven woman in the name
of self-sufficiency—he won’t have any opening to enter.
RELAXING INTO YOUR POWER
As a small woman training Aikido with people of all sizes, I have had to
find my inner power. I cannot knock a 240-pound man down with my arm
alone. However, when I join with his strength and break his balance, I easily
throw him using my hips, body, and breath.
The “strength” most of us learned is equivalent to “arm power.” Most of
us learned that our value lies in what we do, think, and say. The power of our
energy and emotions has been grossly unseen and undervalued.
Once you access your inner power, you can relax on the outside. In fact,
this dramatically increases your power. Have you ever tried to push over
someone who’s stiff? It’s so easy! If that same person would imagine sinking
into the ground, and letting their limbs be loose, you’d have a much harder
time.
Remember our manifesting exercises at the beginning of this book?
Your emotional power always wins. Having an external concept of what you
want is only minimally helpful. This is why I do so much meditation and
energy clearing because aligning your energy with your goals is key.
It always takes more energy to be who you’re not. If you’re perpetually
stressed, anxious, and over-reaching with little result, you might want to ask
yourself what you’ve taken on that’s not yours. Go into meditation. Use your
grounding cord, magic soap bubbles, and vacuum roses to release
programming, other people’s stuff, and old beliefs.
When do you feel most like yourself? What helps you feel relaxed?
Allow yourself these things. It may be scary if you’ve got the belief that you
need to “do” in order to “get.” I have seen over and over though how much
comes to us so easily when we relax.
THE ART OF INFINITE CONTAINMENT
Even once you relax, heal yourself, and get clear on your desires,
sometimes their fulfillment gets delayed. There could be many reasons for
this which have nothing to do with you. You may be doing everything
“perfectly.” Now what?
Knowing that feminine energy leads the way, and having a healthy dose
of inner masculine, here is your new practice: the art of infinite containment.
This is a deeper level of not being needy. You are the riverbank to your own
river. Your inner masculine “holds” your inner feminine. You emanate love
through your body and heart, and therefore you are both complete and
pregnant with possibility.
He needs to feel this in you to know you are trustable. If you can “hold”
your yearning, anger, joy, pain, all of it—he somehow knows you can hold all
of him. To take another step towards you, he needs to know…
Will his energy and life build or dissipate with you? Will he lose himself
and drain all his life force? Money? Pride? Trust in love? Are you a safe
container for him (sexually and in all ways)?
If you can’t contain your own energy, he questions whether he can. He
wants your dynamic nature, but he doesn’t want craziness that spins his life
out of control. Can you simultaneously embody freedom and love, fullness
and space? If you can, he’s very, very intrigued.
Can you feel the pulsing reverb between your bodies without rushing to
act? Are you able to stay soft and neutral, then erupt into a bright smile
when he does something sweet? Glare in rage if he’s hurtful? Meet him
with feisty passion once he gets things started? If you’re ready to go any of
these places, he feels immeasurably drawn into your stillness.
If he takes his time, don’t accuse him of being “chicken” or mock him by
believing “girls mature faster than boys.” He is trusting you with his heart. I
assume you’ve already screened him to be sure he’s a good man. And if so,
your judging him here may come more from defensiveness or popular habit
than accurate observation. If he’s cautious, consider that it may be more
about being honorable and choosing well.
Perhaps he’s not slow at all, but ready to rush in before you’re sure? In
this case, you get to lead. Practice your infinite containment and then you
will feel if he’s right for you. You will know the right pace. Either way,
appreciate his interest and keep feeling all that you are within.
WHAT HAPPENS IF YOU DON’T CONTAIN IT?
Not containing your energy is the psychic equivalent of gossip, wearing

a revealing outfit to a business meeting or giving your valuable skills away
for free. It looks like going off in drama, game-playing, hysterics, begging, or
attempting to convince him.
These things show that either you don’t honor yourself, which is a turn-
off (if you don’t, why should he?), or you don’t have enough awareness or
capacity to handle your feelings or his (which makes you less than
trustable). So, while it may not feel like the most feminine choice to contain
all your energy, it’s what he needs—at least at the beginning or at times of
crisis—to know you can do.
If he does move forward with you, it may be just for a quick fling. He
might keep you hanging in a non-committal situation that leaves you
confused and wanting. Until you set the precedent that you’re the “entire
package,” why would he see you as such? Men typically get blamed for using
women or for being afraid of commitment. To their genetics, sex without
love does make sense. As frustrating as that can be, it’s not a flaw. That said,
most men of integrity will commit to the right woman who graciously
shows him why it’s of value to him to do so.
If you have been “holding” all that you are and all that you feel, and he
still hesitates, it may be for a very good reason. He may be taking his time to
make sure he can measure up. He may be getting his life in order or doing
some deep inner work. See if you can remain patient while keeping your
options and heart open. That way, you won’t inadvertently close the door to
something wonderful about to happen.
If you’re in an established relationship and your man is in the trenches
of conflict or crisis, this is another time to “contain” your energy. Men need
to be men and to feel like they’re the ones working through problems and
making decisions. We get scared of what decisions they’ll make, and we
want to jump in! Usually that’s the last thing they need and can drive them
away. It’s better to go with “less is more” here—at least on the surface. Truth
be told, you are making extremely powerful decisions by how you choose to
hold your energy. It goes a long way when he sees that you’re safe, drama-
free, soft and receptive. At the same time, you can show him you believe he
can get through this.
Of course, if you need to apologize or change your behavior, or if there’s
something you really need to say to him—do so. Just think soft, calm, and
clear. Leave space for him.
YOUR TICKET OUT OF THE HOLDING BACK OR
OVEREXTENDING CIRCUS
It’s a fine line, knowing when to freely express your natural feminine
heart, and when to contain it. There is a world of difference between holding
back due to repression and holding back out of wisdom.
Doing the exercises earlier in this book and feeling all that you feel will
eliminate repression as an option. This will give you the internal freedom to
choose how and when to express yourself. Not only will you know and love
yourself deeply, you’ll be able to intuit his level of openness in each moment
and act accordingly. From here, you can get creative, and whatever you share
is a thoughtful, artful gift.
Overextending is when you do too much, you jump through hoops and
bend over backwards to make him happy. You over-give in hopes you’ll get
what you want. If you ooze sex, if you desperately try to look and smell and
act perfect, if you help him or initiate all the time—you’re overextending.
Overextending is a symptom of having held back too much or too long,
whether you did that with him or just within yourself. It’s that pendulum
swinging too far towards expression after going too far towards repression.
If you’ve allowed too much of your energy or emotions to build up with no
outlet, it can feel really out of control and like you have to do something
now. For you or for him, it’s much more overwhelming to handle years of
tears, anger, or desire than it is to deal with today’s.
Here’s your ticket out of the holding back or overextending circus: (1)
feel what you feel—both in yourself and in him; (2) express yourself each
day, so things don’t build up. Whether you do this alone—perhaps by
dancing or journaling or screaming in your pillow—or with him will depend
on the feelings you observe. It takes practice. If this is new, start by
practicing on your own or with a counselor or friend(s). You’ll build this
muscle, and before you know it, you’ll be able to do this with a partner or a
man you’re dating.
PRACTICE: Give Yourself What You Need
Considering what you’re yearning for, ask how you can give those things to
yourself now? For example, buy yourself flowers or chocolates if you wish a man
would. Give yourself a hug or get a massage. Hire a handyman or take yourself on
a romantic vacation. Besides giving to yourself what you wish “he” would, share
more of what you would share with him. Deepen your friendships, care more for
your family, dance and feel your sensuality. Dress up even on a day at home!
Whatever you need to do, get into the feeling of “not waiting” and “having”
instead of needing. Remember, yearning comes from overflow, so this won’t take
away your readiness for love! Write your ideas down here.
Notes
Part 12
COMMUNICATION TIPS
We can make or break a relationship with our communication.

Communication isn’t just words. It also includes energy and body language. While
we’ll touch on these aspects, in Part 12 we’ll look mostly at how we speak to one
another.
Words can hurt, soothe, or elevate us. Most of us haven’t had the best models of
enlightened communication. If you have, wonderful! I’ve personally noticed an
increased collective awareness around conscious, loving, and respectful
communication. However, I have not seen much that incorporates feminine and
masculine dynamics. And so, this is something I’m going to share here.
Being in your feminine, knowing what the masculine needs and desires,
knowing his gifts and challenges and your own—now how do you handle
conflict? What’s the difference between being artful and playing games? How do
you redirect those all-too-human slip-ups?
What if you could make him feel great without over-giving? Are there ways
you can speak that will inspire him to step up, without emasculating him? Can
your words be a turn-on?
Part 12 will give you tools to do all of this and more. Let’s take a look.
CELEBRATE HIM
We women always want more. He gets a big raise and we want more
sex. We get more sex and then we bitch about him not helping around the
house.
On some level, we keep a list running in the back of our minds of
everything that needs fixed. “If only I had X, I would finally be happy.” Then
we get X and think, “Now I need Y and I’ll be secure.” We get Y and say,
“Now why don’t I have Z? This isn’t ok!”
It’s that feminine creative energy that never stops. We take pleasure in
checking things off our list and saying, “What can I create next?” We get
excited about it, and he gets crushed. He just wants to win. His masculine
eats up the “emptiness” of being “enough.”
He wants you to celebrate that big raise, to smile and open your arms
with a glow of admiration in your eyes—not to simply check it off and ask
him for the next thing on your list. As tough as he may seem, he needs to
feel appreciated, and that his efforts are seen and received.
When he shares his victory, this is a powerful moment for you to cheer
him on. He is giving you an opening and making himself vulnerable, in a
sense. Vulnerability makes us feel more of whatever comes next. Give him
applause in this moment and his healthy masculine will grow. Ask him for
more and he gets deflated. Years of this can be hard for him to recover from.
LET HIM DRIVE
This is one area where the patriarchy had it down. It doesn’t need to be
an actual car—or it might be. Letting him lead you in some way is a turn-
on, and it’s a big part of inviting his masculinity forward.
You might be on the back of his motorcycle; he might be opening the
door for you, paying your rent, taking you somewhere brand new, or
ravishing you with multiple orgasms. If you trust him and like where he’s
going, feeling him “take you” anywhere is pretty exhilarating. Your letting
him take you makes him want to take you more. It’s one of the biggest gifts
you can give him.
In conversation, don’t let your feminine creativity fill all the quiet spaces.
What would be delightful chatter with a girlfriend can blow a man’s
circuits. With him, let there be silence sometimes. It gives him time to lead
the conversation. Be your open-hearted, expressive self, and then artfully
pause. This lets you know what he’s feeling and thinking about. As much as
he enjoys your sharing, he also needs space to relax and feel like a man. Be
more responsive, more curious.
Some cringe at the idea of letting him drive, in resistance to traditional
gender roles. If you don’t want to be taken, ok—just know that resistance is
a disempowered stance. It ultimately controls and limits us as much as the
thing we’re resisting—if not more.
The masculine leading the feminine is a sacred dance. It really has
nothing to do with patriarchy when we choose it consciously, free of either
old programming or righteous resistance. The more versatile you are with
your responsiveness—meaning you have embraced your dynamic nature and
loved yourself enough to trust your boundaries—the more empowered you
will feel in being led.
Your genuine responsiveness is a gift to him. It goes way beyond him
beating his chest because you follow his lead. That’s because your authentic
response won’t always be positive. If he’s flakey or hurtful, your raw anger or
tears make him a better man. When he knows he can count on your honest
feedback in the moment, your love and appreciation mean more. He glows
from your compliments and meets you in passion. And when he needs to
correct something he does so willingly because he truly cares and because
you’re not bulldozing him into it.
Remembering the river and riverbank can help. While the river flows
where the riverbank goes, the riverbank is constantly being formed by the
river. We each lead each other; our ways are just different. Let’s enjoy and
embrace them.
SHOW HIM YOU TRUST HIM
One of the greatest compliments you can give a man is to let him know
you trust him. You can say, “I trust you” out loud, or you can show it through
relaxing, opening sexually, or by letting him handle things. This all feels
amazing to him when you’re in your heart.
There are many facets to trust. There are the big things: you might trust
him to not cheat, lie, or steal. Then there are the smaller everyday things,
which add up to a lot. Do you trust him to wash his dishes, communicate
his thoughts, be on time, and manage his business? These are just a few
examples. If, in little ways, you feel you need to manage him, look out. This
can erode intimacy and create resentment by whacking his self-worth and
exhausting you.
If you don’t trust a man, you probably won’t want him to lead you
anywhere. You might think you do but your hardened body or non-stop
thinking tells a different story. Faced with this, he’ll instinctively recoil and
withhold sex, love, or appreciation. It’s a downward spiral where bitterness
sets in for each of you.
If you don’t trust him in certain ways, please explore this. Is this because
he’s proven to be untrustworthy, your intuition senses it, or you’re working
through trust issues? Many times, it’s a combination. We will cover intuition
in Part 13. As for the other possibilities…
If you know he’s untrustworthy and it’s the big stuff, you may need to
move on unless he’s seriously changing his ways and you’re willing to
forgive. If it’s the little stuff, you can share your feeling-response (not
coaching him) while you practice relaxing, and then see if things shift. If
he’s a good man who’s just not good at certain things, consider how you can
set up your day to day lives so you don’t have to direct his behavior. For
example, with a man who’s always late, just tell him 5 pm if you need him
there by 5:30. Hire a housekeeper if you need the house clean and he doesn’t
clean. Get creative and find other acceptable ways to meet your needs while
taking the pressure off him and your relationship!
Usually, if you struggle with trust issues—real or imagined—there are
deeper reasons. They may come from your past experience, or from
something you learned from family or culture. For instance, if your father
cheated on your mother, it can make you feel like the other shoe is always
about to drop. If your grandmother nagged and micromanaged your
grandfather, you might think you have to do this. It might feel normal to
you or subconsciously necessary for love.
Sometimes, we have traumas we don’t remember, either because we were
too young or because they were too painful. Even something like having to
move houses repeatedly in childhood could make you feel insecure; it
doesn’t need to be an obvious betrayal. A pattern might have been passed on
from one of your ancestors, way before your lifetime, or you may have
experienced a breach of trust in a past life. You may be feeling the pain of
women you don’t even know, since trust has been broken in some ways for
all of us.
If you’re faced with trust issues, I recommend re-visiting the
“Affirmations to Clear Fears and Doubts,” Ancestral Clearing, and
Forgiveness Prayers in Part 8, and the meditation on “How to Feel Your
Emotions and Release Those that Aren’t Yours” in Part 6. Consult a
professional if the challenges persist, or if you’d like some extra support.
HOW PARTNERS TEST EACH OTHER
Speaking of trust issues, sometimes we deliberately “test” our partners to

see if we can trust them. Both men and women do this, and while it’s
intentional, it’s not always conscious.
Once I was close with a man and we felt a strong mutual attraction. He
had told me of his fears and his reluctance to get involved. During this time,
he did things to test the waters:
• He told me all about his flaws, particularly after I expressed
interest. (Will she still like me if she knows this about me?)
• He’d disappear without communication. (What can I get away
with? Will she accept my boundaries? Am I safe?)
In each case, I knew exactly what he was doing. Hearing his
imperfections only made me love him more. It made me feel safer, partly
because he opened up in telling me and also because it gave me
permission to be human. I loved the intimacy in it!
The first time he disappeared, I puzzled over it for days. I asked four
friends for their input, one of whom was furious. They all felt it was odd
behavior and disrespectful to some degree. I agreed, yet somehow, I felt
happy from our connection, and not sad or angry. As soon as I realized he
was testing me, I asked him about it.
“That was strange the other night. It seemed out of character how you
did that vanishing act. I think of you as really considerate and I didn’t feel
bad, so I figured you didn’t mean to be rude. What happened?”
He gave me a somewhat plausible explanation but what mattered wasn’t
his words. It was the feeling of heart connection between us that soared in
having this conversation. It was the kind of conversation nobody would
bother having unless they cared. It showed me I could bring up
uncomfortable things with him, that he would receive them graciously.
He got to see that I respected myself but that I wouldn’t bash him as I
asked for his respect. Because I stayed neutral, he got the safety he was
checking for. I could tell by the way he lingered and kept extending the
conversation, and I knew he wasn’t used to this. Not only did I pass the
“test;” the newfound closeness between us was a surprise bonus.
THE SUBTLE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN AN ARTFUL DANCE
AND HURTFUL GAME-PLAYING
In the above example, many women would have felt hurt, gotten angry,
and sought revenge. Without these types of conscious conversations that my
friend and I had, it’s easy for the “victim” to become passive-aggressive and
for the “perpetrator” to continue distancing or punishing. Nobody wants to
participate in these toxic dynamics, yet it takes practice and awareness to
not end up there.
We have to take a look at what is really going on, as I did. Seeing
everything as a request for love is a good start. Recognizing that there’s
some misunderstanding behind all blame, we can find our way out. By
looking this way, the most difficult moments in our relationships can
become our biggest opportunities… our biggest breakthroughs into greater
intimacy.
Besides “testing,” there is the dance of masculine and feminine we’ve
discussed—where we each start from wholeness and then willingly
relinquish roles in order to play in love. When both partners are whole
within and awake through the process, the dance is flawless. However, if he
avoids important feelings in order to be the rock in her life, or if she clings
to him from a place of helplessness—there is a problem. Partners are bound
to develop hurt, resentment, or other toxic patterns if they “dance” without
checking their foundations first. This is where people really do “play games,”
such as leading someone on, playing hard to get, manipulating or
controlling, purposely making each other jealous, etc. These games don’t
belong in the dance of conscious love.
HIS ANGER INDICATES INTEREST
Just as it’s important not to be afraid of our anger as women, it’s also
helpful not to always shy from his anger. If he’s abusive, of course, take care
of yourself and get help. If he’s a normal human-being that gets mad
sometimes, you can work with this energy. Attempting to shut him down
shortchanges both of you and the world.
Anger is a natural shade of the masculine drive. It’s amazing how when
we simply see it for what it is, it feels “clean” all of a sudden. Whether it’s
about your relationship or his work, you don’t have to take it personally. His
anger might express his perceived boundary violation or show you what he’s
driven towards. Try getting interested. Say, “Tell me more about that” and
he relaxes, simply sharing passionately what it is for him. Fight or run away
and you disconnect, possibly provoking problems and, at least, missing out
on feeling his heart.
When he does get angry about you, know he is interested. If he didn’t
care about you, for instance, he wouldn’t get jealous when you talked to that
cute guy at work. He wouldn’t want you home at night or notice what you
wear. You don’t have to do everything he wants, of course; just give him
space to express it.
His desire and his anger are intertwined. Extinguish one and you
extinguish the other. If he succumbs to this temporarily, you may feel like
you “won” but over time he’ll become bitter and less of who you want. One
alternative is to celebrate his anger, and say, “I have a passionate man!” By
you getting out of the way and accepting him, he’ll likely relax yet retain the
best of his fiery qualities. And you both benefit from this.
LET HIM HAVE HIS MOODS
Women are known for being moody, but men have their moods too!
One of the most important things I have learned is to stop taking them
personally.
Men often need to go off into their “man cave.” There are times they
don’t want to talk, don’t want to process, don’t even want sex or food. They
just need to shut the world off for a little bit. This is where their masculine
energy gets re-set.
Sometimes, your man will be angry and punchy. He may go on a rant
about work, the government, or traffic. He may go off on you or his friends
or family, just because he is tired or needs space. He doesn’t always know
why he’s angry; so contrary to most women’s instincts, there may be little
sense talking about it. In these moments, you can’t fix it. It’s no fun to be
around—so take a big exhale, leave the room, or let him know if it’s really
too intense. Remember, there’s a fine line between sharing your feelings and
coaching him.
I remember one time my man started venting and complaining. He
didn’t notice but I had headphones on and was listening to affirmations. I
pulled one earbud out and said, “What was that? I couldn’t hear… I was
listening to my affirmations.” At this moment, he realized his negativity and
stopped. I didn’t have to correct a thing! Something like that works really
well—just being in your self-care.
If your man gets in a funk sometimes, know that all men have a level of
grief innate in their beings. This is because they all have to separate from
their mothers in the process of becoming men. Their voices deepen at
puberty; they shoot up tall and then go out into the world. As their male
hormones take over, there is a bigger sense of loss than girls have in
becoming women. Men have to shift out of the female energy they were
born in, whereas we rarely have that same shock going from girlhood to
womanhood.
The main thing is to remember his mood is rarely due to you. Because of
this, you don’t need to change anything to fix it. In general, just let it pass. If
you can do this and find some humor even, it generally passes much faster.
PRACTICE: Seeing the Truth behind Communication Hiccups
Write about a time you or a loved one felt hurt in your relationship. What
was the request for love behind either person’s words or actions? What
misunderstandings were present? What’s the opportunity for a breakthrough into
greater intimacy?
USE BODY LANGUAGE
The way you hold your body is powerful. If you walk around tight and
tense, you’re not open to much of anything—let alone a great man.
Think of how you’d feel after an incredible orgasm—moving through
life from your hips with your face lit up, shoulders rolled back, heart and
belly soft. If you’re already “full” of all this radiance, he cannot resist you. His
masculine emptiness is drawn to your glow like a moth to a flame.
This is why movement practices, time out with girlfriends, spa days, or
self-pleasuring can be really important for women. Don’t wait for him to
“give it to you,” because your neediness and tightness will repel him! Of
course, a conscious man may artfully ravish the tension out of you in these
moments (if they’re occasional and not the “norm”) but most men will
recoil. Your stress-filled body not only feels unattractive, but it makes him
feel like he’s bound to “lose.” On the other hand, your openness to him feels
like an easy “win.”
Some women may be resentful of having to “stoke their own fire,” so to
speak. This is true in both the old paradigm of passive victimhood as well as
in the newer “feminist” tendency to punish the patriarchy for its abusiveness
or “failure.” Women speaking out, feeling their feelings, and claiming their
dignity has been important. To solve the problem though, you must go
farther. For now, let go of him and love yourself. This draws a loving man in,
and meanwhile you get to enjoy yourself more. It’s a guaranteed win for you.
Notes
PRACTICE: How to Stand, Sit, and Align Your Body to Draw in
Love
If you’d like his masculine energy to come forward, you can physically invite
this with your body language. Here are three great ways:
• Lean back. This is a great one to do on a date. It draws him towards
you and shows him you’re receptive. Men bond when they invest in you, not
when you invest in them. Even though your instinct might be to lean forward
to impress him, connect with him, or show your enthusiasm—those instincts
can backfire. Enjoy relaxing and notice what happens.
• Soften. Soften your heart, your belly, and entire body. Your softness
attracts him, allows your energy to flow, and just feels better!
• Slow down. Remember you’re 140 watts to his 40. As much as he likes
you, he cannot match your pace. It’s not about limiting yourself, just an
exercise to try when you’re with him. Play with it. Slow down your breath,
your thoughts, your speech, and how much you move. Slowness is sensual.
When you do, I bet he’ll feel closer to you because here he can fully BE with you
instead of just watching you (at best).
UNDERSTANDING MASCULINE + FEMININE
COMMUNICATION STYLES
My man had been preoccupied with work. When he wasn’t on a work

call or trip and he turned towards me, he talked about work. My days and
mind were focused in a different direction, and so it felt like he was talking
“at” me, rather than with me.
Twice in the same day, I shared something with him that inspired me.
Each time, there was silence for a minute and then he went back to talking
about work. I have learned the drawbacks of criticizing a man, so I let it go
the first time. But the second time it happened, I shared that it would have
felt nice to have some response to my thing before he went back to his
thing.
He was surprised. He said if our roles were reversed, and he had told me
something about his day and then I went on to talk about my day, it would
have been fine with him. Huh? And then I remembered something one of
my psychic teachers taught me about male and female communication
styles.
I can see her now. “Here’s how two men communicate,” she said as she
held up one palm. The first man says, ‘How ’bout them Braves?’”
Then she put out the other palm (for Man #2). “Work’s been really busy
lately.”
It was an exaggeration, but we giggled and got the point. The masculine
thinks about one thought at a time. There’s a compartment for everything.
The feminine, by contrast, sees everything as interconnected. We naturally
find ways to relate with the person we’re speaking with, and it feels rude if
that doesn’t happen.
Here’s one example of a feminine-type conversation:
“My daughter didn’t sleep well last night.”
“Oh, I’m sorry. I don’t have kids, but I have a cat who jumps on me in
the night. I can imagine how that must affect your sleep.”
“Yeah. I had a cat once…”
Most of us women will go out of our ways to find connection. By
nature, men don’t see or look for connections.
It doesn’t mean they don’t care. It’s just that their brains work differently.
They are actually shocked sometimes when our feelings get hurt. This is why
God gave us girlfriends! And meanwhile, we can try not to take it personal
when the men around us are just being themselves.
ADDRESSING CONFLICT IN ONGOING RELATIONSHIPS
In ongoing relationships, sometimes we women don’t address the issues

that need attention. Instead, we wait and hope for the man to change or
initiate a dialogue. Sometimes years go by and we’re talking to girlfriends, a
therapist—everyone but our partners! While it’s healthy to let some things
go, and to process some things without involving him, it’s important to
communicate about the big things. The question is, how can we do this
effectively?
It’s true that saying, “Stop doing XYZ” or “I want you to ABC” will
likely seem too masculine. This directness works on occasion, but he
generally responds better when we state the facts and then own our feelings
about the facts. For example, “When you drink a six-pack every night, it
feels like you aren’t ‘here.’ I feel sad and lonely. I’m scared to see our
daughter growing up with this.’ This kind of statement gives him the
opportunity as a man to “fix” your problem, instead of telling him he has a
problem. He may admit his shortcomings if you lead from your own
vulnerability. Here, you inspire his empathy and courage and he’ll feel much
closer to you.
By contrast, making him wrong puts him on the defensive from the get-
go, and makes it unlikely that you’ll get what you want. If you’re too upset to
take the suggested approach, I recommend taking some space to process
your emotions before speaking to him. Just don’t wait too long or your
conversation will seem out of context and possibly “crazy.”
Here’s another example that enlists his support in a challenging
situation: “When you say you’ll do X and then you do Y, I feel like I can’t
trust you. When I can’t trust you, it’s hard to open up, like I’m on guard all
the time. You say it’s a turnoff when I’m stressed out, so can you help me
relax? Here’s something you could do…”
Giving him a specific request gives him hope. While he might feel
overwhelmed, confused or incapable in solving your big issue- he knows he
can do one thing. If him giving you a massage, being on time for a kid’s
birthday party or going out with you on Friday night would make you feel
better—let him know. He loves short and sweet—bullet points coupled with
feelings. Try this and I believe you’ll both see progress.
It’s especially powerful to share our body sensations, either through our
expression and movement, or by naming them out loud. For example, offer a
bright smile, a big hug and kiss, or literally jump up and down when you’re
happy with your partner. Express things like “When you talk about your ex,
I feel squirmy in my stomach like I want to throw up.”
He may be able to argue with your thoughts, but he can’t argue with
your feelings and bodily sensations. He’ll get your message, and because he
wants to feel your bodily-expressed pleasure, he’ll want to change—without
you telling him to do it.
PRACTICE: The Sandwich Method
When you need to criticize a man or ask him to change, you can use the
sandwich method. Surround the “meat” or criticism with two positive statements,
and he’ll be able to hear you.
It looks like this:
1. “I know how much you love our family and how hard you work to
provide for us. I adore our house and I’m so glad I don’t have to worry
about the bills.”
2. “When you travel for work and I’m alone with the kids for days on
end, it’s really overwhelming. I’m going nonstop from 6 am to 10 pm. I’m
not getting enough sleep or exercise or self-care and I’m eating whatever I
can grab. I feel like I’m losing myself and I know that’s not what you
want.”
3. “Would it be possible to keep your trips to four to five days, or what
are your ideas to solve this? I really want to have energy to give to you
too.”
With #1, you validate him (authentically) so he can hear the rest. In #2, you
let him know the problem (without blame). Then #3 is your request for
improvement and your vision for what’s possible.
Try the sandwich method and see how it works for you!
BEING IN INNOCENCE
After doing thousands of readings over two decades, mostly on

relationship questions for women, one thing is clear. Most women try really,
really hard at this stuff! I was telling a male friend of mine how two-thirds
of the questions I get were women asking, “Why did he disappear?” or “Will
we be together?” And his eyebrows went up, like he was thinking, “Wow!”
As women we are wired for love. I’ve done it too, obsessing over these
types of questions because nothing matters more to me. But, of course,
when love is flowing, we aren’t trying or obsessing. It just happens.
You can probably think back to one of those giddy moments where
you’re flirting, connecting with a love interest, or on a great date. In that
moment, you’re not thinking at all—you’re simply in it. The conversation
just flows, the sparks fly, the hands move right where they need to go. There
is nothing you can do to stop it. This is what we all yearn for. Yet we forget.
Be innocent, be silly, be tender. Let your heart overflow with your
giving. You don’t have to try to be feminine or do something to bring out
his masculine. These are facts of nature. I’ve written this book to help you
un-learn and remember some things but, really, you know.
Part 13
TRUSTING YOUR INTUITION IN RELATIONSHIP
Since thousands of clients have asked for my intuitive insight on relationships,

I thought I’d offer some tips so you can do this for yourself! If you’re like me, you’ve
probably been psychically connected to your love interests and partners for years—
so, really, it’s not about learning how to do it. More so, it’s about understanding
what you’re picking up and using your abilities in a way that supports your success
in love.
From choosing the right partner or knowing whether your crush likes you
back, to navigating the confusing moments of dating, to maintaining balance and
attraction in your marriage—this section covers it. Even with powerful emotions
or hormones rushing through you, imagine having the tools to drop in and find
your answers.
Beyond the everyday, Part 13 explores what it means to have a “soul
connection” with someone, and how to create a partnership based in shared
purpose. You’ll also receive meditations to clear up karma and intuitively “read”
any relationship.
Have fun with these!
HOW TO TELL IF HE’S INTERESTED
At times I had dreams about a guy I liked, and I felt his energy around
me. I’d be lying on the couch at 11 pm reading a book when suddenly I’d
feel turned on as his image would flash in my mind. I couldn’t help but
wonder what he was doing in that moment!
These “out of the blue” experiences are clear indicators that you’re
picking something up. When you see a specific person’s face and you weren’t
already thinking of them, there is a reason for that. It’s easy to feel like
you’re making things up but it’s harder to make it up than it is to sense
accurately.
Especially when your body responds, that’s a double indicator that
something is up! Just as you feel a certain way after eating something
delicious, being physically touched, or receiving a compliment, your body
responds to psychic energy.
We covered clearing energy cords back in Part 6. Just as during physical
lovemaking, it is natural for someone to send a cord your way as they
fantasize about you. This can go into your heart, sexual centers, or other
spots, depending on the nature of their thoughts.
It’s not always racy. Immediately upon sending a warm text to a love
interest, I remember smiling uncontrollably and feeling a huge rush in my
heart. It was noticeably different than the nervous feeling I’d had before
sending my message. So, I knew instantly how he felt upon reading it.
PRACTICE: Sensing How He Feels about You
To test someone’s feelings for you, you can daydream about them and see how
your body and heart respond. Does it feel like that channel is open or closed? Is
there mutual excitement or are you forcing things?
Before texting or calling or speaking, you can imagine what you’ll say and
imagine his response. It’s not really imagining but it feels like that to begin with.
If you feel yourself hitting a brick wall, if your body stays closed, or if your heart
feels blah, he’s either not interested or it’s not a good time. Try this with different
people at different times, in different situations. Having a variety of experiences
will help you discern and interpret things more and more clearly.
Be sure to release any energy cords you created, consciously or not, after doing
the above exercises. To do this, just picture any cords vanishing and each person
filling in with their own light.
Then call your energy back to yourself with a gold sun. Sensing how he feels
isn’t the whole answer, as we’ll cover soon, but it’s a good step.
SEEING HIS GREATNESS WITHOUT LIVING IN FANTASY
A lot of women live in fantasy when it comes to men and relationships.

If this is you, you see what he’s capable of, and even though he’s not acting
that way, you hold on hoping. This is a version of the “toxic responsibility”
we covered in Part 10. It can waste years or months of your time and can
prevent your being outrageously happy with a great guy.
You could be the most inspiring woman in the world and still some men
would not change. They aren’t ready to. He might love you deeply, just not
be able to act on it due to life circumstances. He might still be attached to
self-doubt, addictions, abusive patterns, or financial struggle. Probably, it has
nothing to do with you.
Of course, there are times when a guy who “wasn’t ready” does “man up”
after meeting you. It takes discernment to recognize when this is the case. If
he’s committed to personal evolution, he’ll show signs that he is. You’ll feel
his heart wanting to and you’ll see him move in that direction. Watch for
signs and ask your friends and trusted advisors if they see these as real
indicators or fantasy-hopes.
Women are feeling-oriented, and so sometimes it helps us to check the
facts and put things in perspective. For example, if you tolerate his meanness
because of your sexual chemistry, dependence, or lack of self-worth, I’ll bet
your friends see it clearly. Ask yourself, “Would I let a friend treat me the
way he’s treating me?” On the other hand, you might be writing him off and
your friends or advisors see hope. Get support.
Everything you’ve done up until now to manifest your ideal love, heal
your past wounds, and clear your energetic field comes into play here. All
this has prepared you to distinguish your intuition from hope, fear, and
doubt.
Pick a moment when you feel clear and relaxed, perhaps after
meditation or yoga or a good night’s sleep. Then ask yourself, “Do I feel my
relationship shifting in a good direction?” “Does my body say ‘stay’?” “Do
you see him evolving as time goes on?” “Does he meet the criteria for a
conscious man?” (You’ll discover the criteria in the next exercise.)
Check in with your personal requirements. He may be a “good man” but
if you require commitment, a certain lifestyle, or something else that’s just
not happening—get out. Sometimes your boundary will inspire him to
change but it’s important to do this simply because you’re worth it.
What if he’s married or has a girlfriend? This is a common one. If it’s
your situation, it’s possible you have a true knowing that he’s meant for you.
Tread carefully. Even if that’s true, you don’t want the karma of interfering;
you’ll want to let him make that choice.
More often, women choose unavailable partners because they
themselves aren’t available. Choosing a man who’s emotionally or physically
distant is another version of this. There’s nothing wrong with taking some
space for yourself, and in some cases being (mostly) alone is a healthy choice
that gives you the best of both worlds. For example, having a long-distance
partner or emotional affair gives you lots of personal space while still having
some love in your life. The pain comes in when you pine away for more. If
you’re doing so, you may be ready to heal whatever in you has made you
unavailable. It may be time to revisit the exercises earlier in this book so you
can clear up past hurts and unhelpful stories.
Besides sensing his willingness to grow, this brings me to the other
important factor: YOU. Are you doing your part? Are you complimenting
his greatness, showing your trust where applicable, embracing your natural
feminine, and healing and expressing yourself? Are you giving your heart’s
gifts?
By the time my daughter’s father and I got together, I had learned to do
the above. Our relationship didn’t “make sense,” yet I’d heard a voice from
the very start that said, “This is the man you’re supposed to be with.” We
were both just out of breakups, I moved back to LA where he didn’t want to
go, he followed me then broke up with me four times. Even with all this, I
stayed in my heart, took care of myself and encouraged him without over-
giving.
Those first few months challenged me a great deal, but they didn’t break
any of my requirements. In fact, it stretched me in a good way to trust more,
enjoy more, and stay strong in myself.
PRACTICE: How to Pick a Conscious Man
Picking a conscious man is important because otherwise you can do everything

right and it still wouldn’t work! When it comes to a man whom you’re with or are
considering as a partner, fill this out for a good starting point:
He has a practice, a mentor, and/or community to keep him accountable

and on course (on his personal path of greatness). He uses these resources regularly,
and when he gets triggered.
He shares his thoughts and desires with clarity and openness.
While he may sometimes be private, he seems comfortable with his

emotions.
More often than not, he demonstrates sensitivity to your needs, energy,

and feelings.
He has moral principles that he lives by.
You trust him.
He is considerate of his family, friends, and the world around him.
When you express your emotions in the moment, he remains calm and
doesn’t react inappropriately.
He shows respect and avoids blame when speaking about previous

partners and life experiences, even when things were challenging.
BONUS: He shares the lessons and gifts he received from past challenges,
perhaps even with a sense of humor.
If you don’t have at least seven out of ten boxes checked, this man will likely
disappoint you—no matter what you do. It doesn’t mean he’s a bad guy and it’s
not your job to teach him. You are learning the difference between an evolving
soul who grows through your light, and a less-awake man who just cannot meet
you at this time.
Ultimately, picking a conscious man is an exercise in self-love!
WHAT IS YOUR PURPOSE?
Purpose is more of a masculine concern; however, you’ll be much more

likely to have a healthy relationship with the right man if you know yours.
For example, knowing you prefer to be a mother and homemaker, you’ll
more easily find a man who supports you in doing so. By contrast, your draw
to run an international foundation requiring constant travel would pull in a
different sort of man. As a writer and intuitive, I’ve realized I need a man
who lovingly allows me the time and space I need for reflection.
It’s not necessarily more feminine to stay at home raising kids. In today’s
world, we are re-defining masculine and feminine. Societal roles don’t define
us; energy does. You could be in your full creative expression, flowing and
feeling and responding to life while also making tons of money or leading
an organization. A man could “hold down the fort” and be the “rock” in the
family, as long as he feels purpose in that. His drive might go into a hobby
or project that doesn’t make money but completely fulfills his masculine and
serves the world.
In the case of one couple I know, she is more visible in the world. Yet he
travels with her, like an anchor that allows her to shine brighter. The way he
looks at her and speaks of her, it’s as if he’s the King worshipping the
Queen.
Besides getting the right man, you’ll want to know your purpose in
order to have a relationship based in wholeness rather than co-dependence.
There is nothing wrong with supporting his purpose, if you realize that’s
yours to do. But if you’re just saying, “Yes Dear” all the time without
knowing who you are, that’s a problem.
If you’re already in a relationship, it’s never too late to consider your
purpose. From time to time, re-visit this question because purposes can
evolve. Bring your realizations to your partner and ask him to share his
purpose. Then, look at how you can support one another.
KNOWING THE PURPOSE OF YOUR RELATIONSHIP
Knowing your purpose and finding a man of purpose are great steps. For
your relationship to last and remain fulfilling, you’ll also need a shared
purpose. My teacher used to say that the couples he saw breaking up had
“stopped creating together.”
Some couples raise children, and some collaborate in work. Others take
joy in shared community activities, hobbies, their home, or travel. You don’t
have to do everything together but it’s important to do some things
together.
“Shared purpose” can also run deeper. Maybe you’re here to ground him
and he’s here to expand you. You may be completing past life karma, or—
because of how well you two complement each other—you might bring out
the best in each other, causing you to undo old patterns.
It’s rare for a couple to come together with no purpose. Still, it’s worth
exploring what your shared purpose is to make sure it’s productive for the
long term. Your shared purpose can change over time. If you’ve been
together for a while, I recommend re-visiting this question periodically, and
together re-committing to a purpose you both stand behind. If you’re single,
it’s a great time to consider what purpose you would like your next
relationship to have!
PRACTICE: Exploring Your Purpose in Relationship
Take out your pen and answer the following questions. Don’t worry about
getting it perfect; just start where you are today! Just by asking these questions,
your answers will come, and your life will unfold in more meaningful ways over
time.
What is my individual life’s purpose?

What is the purpose of my relationship?
Explore this one with your partner if you have one. If you’re currently single,
what purpose would you like your next relationship to have?
HOW TO KNOW IF HE’S “THE ONE”
First of all, I don’t believe there’s only “one” person for each of us. I feel
we have many potential soulmates from which to choose. I believe that each
soulmate has a different purpose, and not all of them are meant to be life
partners. Some are meant to wake us up and teach us lessons or set us on a
path. Others may be partners or friends for a period of time, and some are
lovers for a lifetime. To find the right one for you, it’s important to get
honest about what you want. Frequently, your higher self knows that better
than you do. This is why life is always giving us what we need, even when
that’s not what we want or think we are getting!
That said, there are certain “standout” relationships that come along
rarely. Think back to past partners or guys you’ve been interested in. Some
you may barely remember! You may wonder how you ended up together,
considering how little you had in common. Others changed your life. You’ll
never forget them because you sense the huge purpose you shared together,
or the significant impact you made for each other. Whether you met once or
created a family for a lifetime is less important in these cases.
Earlier in this book, you learned exercises to attract the relationship you
desire. It’s completely valid to want a marriage or children or other
“externals.” I’ve also offered practices to help you trust your intuition to
determine your right partner.
Next, I’ll share an exercise to guide you in attracting a soul-level love.
This can absolutely co-exist with the rest of the “package” you choose.
PRACTICE: Meditation to Connect with a Soulmate
• Sit in a comfortable spot with your feet on the floor and eyes closed.
• Let your body soften on each exhale and imagine drawing your own
light to you with each inhale.
• Create your grounding cord—a tree trunk or waterfall flowing down
from your hips and deep into the center of the earth.
• Breathe into your heart. Feel into the love you have within you, to
give. What color is it? See if you can allow more breath in as you let the
warmth of this love grow within you.
• Notice your crown chakra, like a blooming lotus flower at the top of
your head. Remember the Universal love you connected with in Part 1—that
infinite stream of golden light filling you from above? Re-affirm this
connection now.
• Now, from your crown chakra, from your soul to his, send a “hello” out
to your soulmate. You don’t have to know “who” it is or “how” you will meet.
Just know that as you circulate the love within you, you are a magnet for your
soul “match.” That special person who can meet you on every level will be
attracted to you when you’re here.
• As you send out this “hello,” notice if any specific pictures, feelings, or
messages come to you about your soulmate. You might hear an inner voice or
have a thought pop into your head. You may get a sense of what he looks like,
where you will meet, or what you need to do to get ready. If the impressions
you receive are more subtle, don’t worry. Some people simply sense a warmth
or a flash of color. In these cases, have a childlike sense of wonder and ask what
the information means. Enjoy this as long as you would like.
• When you feel complete, thank him and let him know you’re going back
to your day for now. Let him know you’d love to meet again and invite him to
find you in 3-D life when you’re both ready.
• Fill yourself from head to toe with a golden sun and come out of
meditation.
Note: Sometimes this sense of someone “in your field” will happen
spontaneously. You may dream of him or just feel his presence in your quiet
moments. Once, I couldn’t stop listening to a song titled “Is There Anyone Out
There?” in the months before meeting a soulmate. I had no idea until later why I
kept playing that song!
With my daughter’s father, I had actively been calling in a partner to have a
child with, and then the specific guidance I received about him happened right
before going to sleep one night. I saw that I would meet my man at a raw foods
retreat in Arizona. Later, an intuitive friend saw him in my field, and
commented that him coming into my life would be like getting a spaceship to land.
I DID meet him at a raw foods retreat in Arizona months later, though it took us
another year to start dating. And he is very “cosmic.” I still laugh when I
remember the spaceship comment!
HAVE YOU HAD PAST LIVES TOGETHER?
The most intense relationships are often with those souls we’ve known
before. These can be incredibly fulfilling because the level of love that’s been
cultivated over multiple incarnations can be profound.
On the other hand, some of the most toxic relationships also fall in this
category. Recently, a client called me back months after our last reading. She
told me, “You said my boyfriend was cheating on me and lying about it, and
you were right.” Then she proceeded to ask for details about his relationship
with the other woman, how long they would date, and whether he’d cheat
on her too. At some point my screen went blank.
“I’m not being shown that,” I told her. “Besides, no matter what answer I
give here, it wouldn’t make you happy. I’d love to look at how to support you.
What I’m really wondering is why you’re wanting a guy who cheated and
lied.”
She went back to ask me her initial questions. I reiterated my
commitment to support her, and that in keeping with my integrity, I
couldn’t look anymore at him and the other woman.
I said, “You might want to call someone else on that one.” I was ready
for her to hang up, but she didn’t.
I said, “Clearly you’re struggling with this, so I’m looking at how you can
stop struggling.” I then saw a painful past life she’d had with this man, and I
helped bring forgiveness to the “unfinished business.”
This is a common example of the magnetic pull these karmic
connections can have. They range from off-the-charts love affairs to toxic
pits to avoid at all costs. For this reason, I recommend the following
meditation.
PRACTICE: Getting Free of Difficult Karma
• Sit in meditation, close your eyes, and notice your inhalations and
exhalations.
• Ground yourself to the center of the earth and pat your body to increase
your presence here and now. Perhaps notice any sensations of pleasure and let this
expand as you notice them.
• Consider one intense or difficult relationship you have or have had.
• Next, in your mind’s eye, imagine a ring a few feet out in front of you.
Instead of a full circle, imagine it has a gap in it. The size of the gap will show you
the amount of karma, or unfinished business, you have with this person.
• To complete the karma, spin the ring in your mind until you see a full
circle. Then, toss it off to the Universe with thanks.
• You may need to repeat this more than once with a difficult relationship.
Keep seeing your circle complete with a sense of peace, freedom, and letting go.
You’ll start to notice a change.
CULTIVATING YOUR PSYCHIC CONNECTION WITH HIM
He lived about 5 minutes from me, and so I often drove by his house,
because it was on my way. I remember one night seeing his car on my way
home, then standing in my kitchen talking to him out loud. I said, “This is
Ann…” (psychic courtesy) and then proceeded to tell him how stupid I
thought it was that we were both home—only 5 minutes apart—when we
could be together. I said I knew there was a great connection between us. I
spoke until I was exhausted.
When I shared this with a friend, she said, “He is stupid.” Still, I felt
incomplete, and I didn’t speak up when I saw him in the flesh. What I didn’t
feel, though, was stuck. I longed for him, yet my ability to voice my
emotions (even in a room by myself ) gave me a sense of freedom that I
want for my clients today. When you can’t stop thinking about a man and
can’t reconcile your feelings with what’s “actually happening,” having a
telepathic conversation like this is so useful!
Years later, that man and I spoke about our connection and what was
going on at that time. I know now that I was “heard,” even though it was
not evident in the moment.
In some cases, having a telepathic conversation and especially moving
your emotions will bring an immediate shift! For example, a past lover had
stopped communicating with me and I felt unresolved. At home by myself
one day, I said a prayer for healing, then yelled at him out loud and told him
everything I needed to say. The next day I saw his truck ahead of me on a
highway neither of us normally took. I pulled up next to him and motioned
for him to pull over. Because I had “gotten it all out,” I didn’t need to yell in
his face, and our meeting gave me the resolution I needed.
Another time, a love interest introduced me to someone in a way that
diminished our relationship. It wasn’t appropriate to speak up in the
moment, but I telepathically let him have it that night. I told him it hurt my
feelings and made me mad because he wasn’t owning the truth. His words
and actions weren’t unified, and I called him out, knowing he valued
integrity.
The next day, he introduced me to someone in a different way—a way
that was much more “true.” It felt so much better!
The day after that, he introduced me to yet another friend. This time, he
said the complete opposite of what he said on Day 1. I hopefully played it
cool but inside my jaw dropped! It was downright exciting how much he
valued me by his comment. And I hadn’t said a word out loud to him about
this.
In any kind of ongoing or close relationship, you have an energetic
connection. That means you can speak to the other person telepathically
before or instead of having a verbal conversation. This is useful when you’re
not sure he’ll hear you, or when you want to stay in the feminine role. To do
this, you can speak to him out loud when he’s not around, speak to him in
your mind, or write a letter that you don’t share. Or, from your meditation,
send him the picture from your heart. Because you’re already connected, he
will receive these messages on some level.
From romance to business to parent-child relationships, we generally
make our energetic connections and agreements before we meet physically.
Many times, when reading a client, I’ve noticed a partner in her field who
hasn’t shown up yet in the flesh. This is how we psychics can see a strong
probability that someone is coming for you.
So, whether you’re struggling in a current relationship or looking to call
a partner in, you can use your intuition actively to cultivate communication.
This is another level of using your feminine creative energy in balance with
your receptive energy.
MOMENT BY MOMENT INSTINCTS: HOW TO KNOW WHAT
TO SAY AND DO
Besides attracting a soulmate and navigating relationship stress, there

are so many small decisions we make every day in our love lives. Should I text
him or not? What should I wear? What should I say? How do I handle my fears
about his ex? Can I ask him out or do I wait for him? Should I offer to pay on a
date? How soon should I sleep with him? These are just a few of the questions I
hear frequently from clients.
The more you hone your intuition, the more it will guide you in all these
things, moment-by-moment. Here are some of the ways you’ll get your
answers:
• You’ll hear a voice in your head, like a loud thought that comes
“out of the blue.” For example, I’ll hear “say it,” “not now,” “don’t say it”
or “wait” when I’m wondering whether to say something.
• Your body will move in a certain direction. You may just start
doing something with gusto, even when you don’t know why. Or, if you
can’t bring yourself to kiss him, pick up the phone, or pull out your
wallet to pay for something—that may also be your body’s wisdom
guiding you.
• It will feel right or wrong. That red dress that looked great a few
days ago now feels completely wrong for the party—because your mood
and energy has shifted. Trust that.
• Something helpful will cross your path in an unusual way. This
could be a piece of information, a “sign,” or a significant person showing
up.
• You’ll “imagine” his response and you like it (or don’t). As we
just covered in the section on “Cultivating Your Psychic Connection
with Him,” your “imagination” is one of your intuitive superpowers. Play
with it by picturing different ways of saying or doing something until
you like the response you feel from him.
As you do all of the above, you’ll want to be authentic. This may sound
obvious but it’s so important. Being too good at tuning into others (especially
men) is quite common for women, and we’re often asleep to this skill that
we have! If you have it, it can cost you in many ways:
• “Losing yourself ” in relationships
• Getting into dysfunctional relationship patterns that don’t honor
you
• Over-focus on being “perfect”
• Not allowing him space because you’re always energetically
tracking him
• Attracting the wrong partner or an inauthentic partner (because
we receive what we put out)
I know how scary it can be to show him your less-perfect side. The
feminine can be messy and we weren’t taught to show those parts of
ourselves. The baby-maker inside us wants everything perfect. Our
programming says “a good girl” is X, Y and Z. We’re scared he’ll reject us if
he sees our fears or ego stuff or “crazy” side.
I believe he finds it fascinating. Our personal quirks are what make us
lovable. Being open about your “weird” or “dark” side shows him that: (1)
you’re confident, and (2) you trust him. Remember, both of those things are
major attraction-boosters! Pulling your energy out of him, so that you’re full
of your own radiance, is also a big plus.
Your being vulnerable gives him reassurance that he can be vulnerable
too. I believe it lets him off the hook (in a good way) when you take
responsibility for yourself, rather than over-focusing on him.
From an “energy” perspective, your authenticity means that you’re in
your body. One major pitfall with trying to be perfect is that it’s unnatural
and uncomfortable. In this state, our bodies get tight and we tend to
disconnect from them. Of course, if you’re out of touch with yourself, you
can’t connect to anyone else. He would rather feel your rage or nervousness
over feeling “nothing.” His masculine is already “empty”; he chose you
because you give him “something.” You’d be surprised at how many things
he’d prefer over nothingness. In addition, when you’re “not home” in your
body, you tend to pick up more energy from your environment. This causes a
lot of confusion for you both and creates a downward spiral by making it
harder to reconnect to yourself.
IS IT FEAR OR INTUITION?
This is one of the major issues that comes up when I teach intuitive
development. How can you tell if that voice in your head is just your fear or
a real message? Are you picturing something because you want it or because
it’s really happening?
Welcome to interesting territory. I will answer these questions, and
meanwhile, they bring me to mention another one of your powers:
You are just as good at projecting as you are at receiving.
If you picture something you desire, it does help you get it. Feeding those
fears in your head will make them more likely to play out. This is where we
get into quantum physics, where the observer always influences whatever
s/he’s observing. There is nothing completely objective; no situation is
outside your influence. This is where all the self-healing work we’ve talked
about comes in so you can become a conscious creator, using emotions to
your advantage rather than being at the mercy of them. Doing your
meditation and clearing karma, past wounds, and others’ energy is a huge
help.
Even after decades on a path of personal growth, you’ll get stuck and
confused at times. So, here are some keys to distinguishing fear or hope
from true intuition:
• Your intuition whispers. It doesn’t shout. It doesn’t spam you and
it’s not like a record stuck in a groove. It feels like a wise friend, even
when it reveals something you’d prefer not to see.
• Intuition pops into your mind, with a feeling of “where did that
come from?” You may have a sudden “a-ha,” a thought that doesn’t feel
like you, or an illuminating dream. Frequently, when asked about a
person (living or dead) in a reading, I will get a message from them to
give to my client. In my mind, I’ll hear that person speaking in a way I
would not normally speak. So many times, I’ve relayed the message just
as it was given and been told, “That sounds just like him!” In contrast to
these distinct intuitive impressions, your fears seem familiar and come
with a feeling of “Here we go again!” If something painful happened in
your past or to one of your loved ones, you are more likely to fear it. So,
meditate to release what’s already happened, reclaim your power from it,
and then ask for guidance on the current situation.
• Check the facts. Despite what I said above about nothing being
objective, if you’re afraid he’s out with another woman, it can bring great
comfort to get on Facetime and see him alone at home. I’m not
advocating snooping, but I do recommend facing a situation. Here’s
where you may need to get vulnerable and say, “I’m afraid of such and
such,” or “I had this picture pop into my head. Is it true?” Of course,
people can lie to you but your leading with honesty paves the way for a
better outcome. And it’s a good practice to sense whether the response
you get feels true.
• Observe body language. If someone fidgets or regularly won’t
make eye contact, that’s a red flag. If you feel sick to your stomach or you
wake up like a kid on Christmas Day, those are indicators that you’re
picking up on something. Sure, your stomach can churn when past pain
gets re-stimulated, so be sure to follow the guidance above for self-
healing and getting to know your triggers.
SPOTTING RED FLAGS
My friend next door was sitting on her porch looking serious. “What’s
up?” I asked as I walked up her steps.
“I’m seriously considering ending my relationship,” she told me. She
went on to recount all the ways her man wasn’t meeting her needs. I held
space and just listened.
Her relationship was unlike any she had known before. As our
conversation unfolded, she realized all the gifts she was getting from him.
So many of her “unmet needs” revealed themselves to be outdated
expectations based on old patterns. Her freak out wasn’t really about her
partner’s actions as much as it was about her changing her pattern. Because
she was going into unknown territory, she didn’t feel safe.
What she thought were red flags weren’t. I think my being there, even
silently, helped her to see the truth. I see this a lot, and Gay Hendricks
refers to this as an “upper limits” problem in his book, The Big Leap. When
life gets better than it’s ever been, we often put the brakes on to get back to
comfort. I’ve had many clients come to me with “red flags” that were actually
big breakthroughs.
Equally common are the women who tolerate lies, disrespect, and abuse
because those things feel familiar. I am shocked at what they accept, but
somehow, they keep talking themselves into staying in their situations.
Because we’re all creatures of habit, this is where asking friends or
trained professionals can keep you on track. Having a spiritual practice to
re-center yourself daily is so important.
And remember, as we discussed in Part 1, true love is not concerned
with your comfort. It will annihilate your ego by wiping out everything that
is not love. The more you choose love, watch out; you will likely be
challenged.
There’s a difference between being challenged and being punished.
Abuse is challenging in the punishing sense. Breaking up with a lover that
wasn’t your true match may hurt but it ultimately gives you more than it
takes.
Ask yourself anytime you’re looking at a possible red flag: Am I being
stretched beyond my comfort zone, or is this situation actually harmful?
When you don’t know, ask for support. Friends, healers, or counselors
will be able to see into your blind spots.
PRACTICE: Using Your Intuition to “Read” a Relationship
This is a great way to get a general “read” on any relationship!

• Sit in a comfortable spot with your feet on the floor and close your eyes.
• Create your grounding cord, sending it down into the center of the earth and
exhale.
• Think of the two people you’d like to “read” in relationship to each other. This
could be you and another person, or two people besides yourself.
• A few feet out in front of you, on the left side, picture a rose representing
Person A. On the right side, picture a rose representing Person B. Leave some
space in-between. Because these aren’t “real” roses, they could be any color or even
some other symbol entirely. Trust the imagery you see.
• Notice the colors, quality, shape, and size of each rose. Now, make up a story
about them. For example, let’s say your rose is fluffy pink, facing his dark green
rose with thorns facing away from yours. I might interpret this to mean you’re
feeling bubbly and loving, while he’s protective and distant, maybe going through
a deep growth process. If you saw two roses each facing upwards, this might mean
each person is more focused on their own path or purpose than on the other.
• Once you have a sense of where each person is at relative to the other, envision
a rose in-between Rose A and Rose B. This one represents the relationship.
• Just as you did with each individual’s rose, study the relationship rose and then
say, “What is this image telling me?” If it’s a bud, perhaps it’s a new relationship
or an old relationship with a new beginning. By contrast, petals falling off could
indicate a completion of some sort.
• With all of these roses, bright and clear colors indicate health and vibrancy;
whereas muddy colors indicate foreign energy or creative energy that is stuck.
Have the partners stopped creating together? Is your mother or ex in your space,
preventing you from being yourself with your current love? These are possibilities
to explore. Get curious and let your imagination show you answers. Perhaps some
new pictures, a-has, feelings, or “out of the blue” thoughts will pop up. Using the
techniques from this book plus ongoing practice, you’ll begin to hone your intuitive
muscles.
• When you’re done looking at these roses, let them fly off to the edge of the
horizon, and see them “pop” into bursts of light.
• Repeat if desired for another relationship.
• Before coming out of meditation, as always, fill in with a big gold sun to
replenish your energy.
HOW MUCH ARE YOU EACH INVESTING?
In a class I taught on relationships, one woman had an interesting

discovery! During our meditation, we did an exercise to determine how
much energy each person was putting into the relationship. Was it 50/50, or
not so balanced? Some say that men “should” be putting a little more into
things than they are—perhaps because they bond when they invest, because
they aren’t wired to bond like we are, or because we tend to over-give.
The woman in question felt that she put way more energy into her
marriage than her husband did. She told me she made five times as much
money, took personal growth classes, and received coaching. She loved him
but saw him as lazy.
Then she did our meditation and saw they were even. She had an a-ha.
It was taking him as much energy to do what he did as it was for her to do
what she did. As a highly creative and intelligent female, her 140 watts
made many things easy for her. Following that class, she softened towards
him and judged him less. Magically, his career began to take off and she was
able to ease off the throttle.
I have seen many, many cases like this—particularly in long-term
relationships where difficult patterns have built up. One bitter side-effect of
recent feminism is that it’s made some women really hard on men. “I don’t
have to put up with that” gets taken too far, and good men get blamed just
because they’re not like us.
Of course, we women can certainly over-function in many of the ways
named earlier in this book. Taking toxic responsibility, inappropriate
mothering, and living in fantasy are some examples. If you’re in a
relationship and you’re always leaning forward or leading the way—it’s
important to let him give to you more or focus your energy elsewhere if he’s
just not.
PRACTICE: Bringing Your Relationship into Balance
• Sit in meditation, breathe, and ground.

• Next, imagine a circle, like an empty pie chart, a few feet out in front of
you.
• Let the left side of the circle represent you and let the right side represent
him. Pick a color for each of you.
• Now ask, “How much energy are we each putting into the relationship?”
and see the pie chart fill in with your colors to answer your question. Do you see
half your color and half his, or more of one or the other?
• Ask for any guidance about this and notice what you receive.
• If the energy is uneven, ground your pie chart to the center of the earth, just
like you’ve grounded yourself.
• Allow the grounding cord to drain any foreign energy or blocks out of your
pie chart. If there’s anything keeping either of you from finding balance in the
relationship, let gravity take it down into the earth.
• Now, like you’re a kid with your magic eraser and paint, re-set the pie
chart to equal parts yours and his. If you want to play with one of you giving a
little more than the other, try it.
• Once you find the balance you like, ask for guidance: What needs to shift
between you two to accomplish this? What steps can YOU take to do your part in
that?
• When you feel complete with this practice, see the pie chart dissolve.
• Create a gold sun above your head and fill in with your own light.
EMBRACING LOVE’S DANCE
A great dancer exemplifies balance in motion. Through leaps and twirls,

on one foot or in the arms of a partner, she loses her balance only to find it
again. Her grace is in the transitions, her beauty evident in the dynamic
range of her movements. Her combination of poise and fluidity inspire awe.
Life and love are like this. Get too comfy with “balance” and it bites you
in the butt. Just when you think you’ve embraced your Divine Feminine, life
requires your masculine for a moment. And after you merge with your lover
in waves of bliss, the tide must go out in order for the “pull” of union to
happen again. You each need to go off and be yourselves for a moment.
We practice polarity because most of the world is shut down.
Having “all” of your masculine and “all” of your feminine means having
all of your power and creative life force. Eventually, the whole point of
cultivating polarity is to remember oneness. The moment your lover
penetrates you, you each include the Universe. And this is where you started
from.
CONCLUSION
Today’s relationship models are changing, and this is exciting yet

confusing for many. Gender roles and power dynamics are up for question.
So much healing is occurring, and my intention is to give support to those
struggling, and to inspire my fellow pioneers in creating a new way.
The good news is this: there is so much more love possible than what
most of us have experienced. I am thankful to be alive at a time which
allows individuals direct access to spirituality, and where people are waking
up to the world of energy. The uncertainty of our times provides a creative
freedom in which—assuming we stay awake-- we can’t help but become our
more authentic selves.
Becoming our more authentic selves means more authentic
relationships. Love is who we are, and so this is a process of remembering.
This book is about living awake, as the truth of you. As you do, you can
more accurately perceive energy, release what’s in your way and be more
present with another.
Energy is innocent. No matter what you’ve been through, it’s something
you can shift. This is simple, and it’s where everything starts.
Doing the exercises in this book is like peeling the layers of the onion.
You may come back to them over and over, as your life evolves. Your
commitment to self-love and loving another may attract you to different
practices at different times. Enjoy it all! And keep up; you are not alone.
RESOURCES
For private intuitive reading and healing sessions, upcoming events and
programs along with free resources, visit www.AnnOBrienLiving.com.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Ann O’Brien began meditation and spiritual studies as a teenager, in

order to make sense of her own sensitivity. She has a BA in Literature from
UC Santa Cruz, and attended the MFA writing program at Naropa
University in Boulder, CO. From 1999-2000, she completed the clairvoyant
program at Psychic Horizons Center in Boulder, then studied for 10 years
with Michael Tamura, former director of the Berkeley Psychic Institute.
Following these and other spiritual trainings, in 2004 she started her
business offering intuitive readings, healing sessions and workshops. Since
then, she’s empowered thousands of clients worldwide in love, work and life.
Now living near Aspen, she is also the mother of an intuitive daughter and
teaches children’s Aikido.

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PRAISE FOR THIS BOOK

I found myself sitting up straight with several bolts of insight reading A

- Lisa Greenfield, Truth in Hand

-Marla Mervis-Hartmann, Creator of “Love Your Body Love Yourself ”

- Stacy McCrory, Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist and Owner of

A Woman’s Guide to Conscious Love adds a whole new dimension to therapy

-Rudi Lion, MFT

A Woman’s Guide to Conscious Love brilliantly empowers a woman to

Copyright @ 2020 Ann O’Brien

Book design by Lucinda Rae.

Name: Ann O’Brien, author.

ISBN Print: 978-1-7344128-1-9

Part 2: Making Sensitivity Your Friend

Part 3: What Is the True Feminine?

Part 4: What Is the True Masculine?

Part 5: The Dance of Feminine and Masculine Within

Part 6: From “Yes Dear” to Angry Feminism to Mutual Empowerment

Part 7: Overcoming the Collective Fear of Feminine Power

Part 8: Healing Your Relationship Wounds

Part 9: Unleashing Your Creative Energy

Part 10: Taking Responsibility

Part 12: Communication Tips

Part 13: Trusting Your Intuition in Relationship

In recent news, women have been stepping up and accusing powerful

If you love yourself, it’s safe to be vulnerable. Healthy boundaries

We make it so hard for the Universe sometimes. We get so narrow in

This is a practice to kindle your fires of attraction.

The expansiveness of true love can be frightening. It sounds so beautiful and

One of my spiritual teachers, Michael Tamura, used to joke with us in

• Sit in meditation, breathe and ground. Use the belly-diaphragm-heart

The feminine is like the weather. Because we are feeling-oriented more

Behind our radiance—fundamental to our fluidity—is raw energy. As

Go into nature. If you’re in a city, do your best to get to a park or go out of

A mother’s love knows no bounds. All of us women, mothers or not, are

“Nothing in the world

The soft overcomes the hard;

(Lao Tzu’s Tao Te Ching translated by

To be feminine is to be receptive. This is what allows us to feel pleasure,

Pleasure feeds the feminine. When we stop allowing ourselves pleasure

The dance of these energies is profound. Just listen to a choir or band.

As we feel his firmness, we soften. As we relax and open, he gets hard.

As we get into Part 5, it will be important to embody your inner masculine at

• Sit quietly, breathe, and ground yourself.

The masculine in each of us seeks emptiness and the feminine in each of

In my twenties, a guy I was dating called in excitement. “Guess what I

As much as you need your healthy inner masculine to attract a great

A client came to me because of stress with her husband. Besides having

Have some fun with this one! No one’s looking.

“Come on, ravish me already!” is the psychic message so many women

What’s the difference between healthy masculine/feminine polarity and

I get why women are disappointed, even outraged. In my grandmother’s

Every relationship comes with spoken and unspoken expectations. In the

• Sit in a comfortable, meditation space and close your eyes.

In the 90s, I went to UC Santa Cruz, a progressive hippie mecca. There,

Consider a relationship challenge or some difficult emotions you’re

Just as sensitivity is key for men, internal freedom is an empowered

So many feelings come up in the process of awakening our feminine!

Years ago, I moved to LA and joined a high-end yoga studio with

In the new paradigm of give-give relationships, any kind of