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the narcissist betrayal fantasy watch

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the video I posted a few days ago

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but the video I've just mentioned

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described merely the psychodynamics

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behind the Betrayal fantasy what goes on

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in the narcissist's mind when he

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reenacts and plays out the Betrayal

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fantasy in his relationships

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and before we proceed because today's

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video we're going to discuss how the

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Betrayal fantasy is actually implemented

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in reality the brass talks tax all the

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moves and the counter moves when the

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narcissist tries to impose the Betrayal
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Fantasy on his nearest and dearest and

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Liverpool betrayal and fantasy my former

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fake friend that's the f word

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you used to look me in the eye Smiles

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smugly and say I'm plagiarizing you

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again

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I didn't mind being plagiarized as long

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as I I was by his side compensating

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somehow for his rather limited

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intelligence but now poor thing he's all

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alone dude get it right at least

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plagiarize Me by all means but get it

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right

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I know I understand your limitations but

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try harder consult someone regarding the

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Ten Dollar Words I mean transcend your

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limitations with the help of others for

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you

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okay social name today's video as I said

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is about the Betrayal fantasy my name is

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samvatni I'm the author of malignant

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self love narcissism Revisited and I'm

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also a professor of psychology in Sea

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UPS center for international Advanced

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and professional studies

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outreach program of the Cs Consortium of

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University some of you asked me what if

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I had another position or previous

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position as a professor yes I was

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professor of psychology in Southern

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federal University in rostov on Russian

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Federation not a very popular

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destination lately

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let's delve right in into another

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unpopular destination the narcissist's

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mind

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um the previous video was about the

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etiology of the Betrayal fantasy The

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Roots and the internal processes that

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accompany the Betrayal fantasy as it

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unfolds

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what about the mechanics of the Betrayal

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fantasy how does it operate

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first of all it's crucial to understand
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that the narcissist breaks up with his

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intimate Partners I'm going to use sorry

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before I I proceed I'm going to use he

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I'm going to use the male gender pronoun

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but of course it's utterly

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interchangeable with a female gender

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pronoun about 50 of all people diagnosed

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with narcissistic personality disorder

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nowadays for women okay this disclaimer

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out of the way let us Forge ahead

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The Narcissist breaks up with women

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and he does this by pushing them to

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cheat

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with other men

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why would he do that
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to avoid future stalking

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the narcissist is terrified of intimacy

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he abhors demands on his time resources

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exclusivity Behavior

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he doesn't want people in his life the

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narcissist is a solipsist

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is a loner he's a lone wolf and the

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reason for that is that the narcissist

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cannot comprehend

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external objects The Narcissist

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interacts only exclusively with objects

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inside his mind also known as internal

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objects with interjects voices in his

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mind in this sense the narcissist is

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very close to psychosis as I've been

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saying for years in the footsteps of

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Otto kernberg

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so narcissists and loners

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and then suddenly there's another person

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there an intimate partner

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this intimate partner becomes a nuisance

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an annoyance

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taking over the narcissist's life

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gradually and incrementally the

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narcissist resents this

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he wants his intimate partner out and

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away

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one way or another in short he wants to

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get rid

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of the woman in his life

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foreign

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so he pushes her to cheat with another

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man because once she cheats with another

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man she would feel guilty

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she would have no claim on him she could

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make no demands and she would vanish

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this would prevent future stalking

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some of the women The Narcissist breaks

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up with when cheating is not involved

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do become stalkers or just bitter

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resentful and hateful The Narcissist

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lesson is

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if I just break up with a woman normally

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as other people do I'm going to be
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wanted and hunted hunted for the rest of

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my life

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now don't misunderstand the cheating

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causes the narcissist excruciating pain

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for a few weeks but it is far preferable

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to stalking

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to stalking and to charges of

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unfulfilled promises now before we

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proceed I'm using the example of

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cheating

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but this applies to any type of betrayal

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any type of knife in the back any type

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of backstabbing any type of bed mouthing

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any type of breakdown of trust

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I selected cheating because it is the
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most extreme form of betrayal it's a

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total rejection of the of the

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cheetahedron

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and because in the previous video I've

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used the example of cheating

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but as I say it applies to all types of

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betrayal and at the end of this video I

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will briefly review

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other types of relationships not

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Intimate Relationships but other types

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for example workplace collaborations

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friendships and so on and so forth at

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this stage let us take

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let us stay with cheating

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as an example

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of the principle of betrayal as a

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rarification of betrayal so

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the narcissist

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wants to get rid

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of an over demanding over-present

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um

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intimate partner

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he's afraid

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of being confronted

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with demands

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pain

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the partner's pain

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fighting stalking he doesn't want any of

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this so he pushes the partner to cheat

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so that she feels guilty so that she

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vanishes on her own accord

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this causes the narcissist pain in a

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minute I will explain which kind of pain

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it's not the kind of pain that you

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imagine because narcissists are not the

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kind of people that you imagine they're

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not healthy they're not neurotypical

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they're not normal so even their pain

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is highly idiosyncratic highly unusual

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we'll come to it in a minute

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but

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let us dispel

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two miss two misconceptions

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the narcissist is not a masochist
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he doesn't seek pain for Pain's sake

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he doesn't like pain

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he hates

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he hates to experience cheating

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he's devastated and he detests go having

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to go through this cycle again and again

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so when the narcissist pushes women

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dates girlfriends intimate Partners to

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be with other men

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when is when he often orchestrates the

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cheating he orchestrates the Betrayal

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the extramarital Affairs the extra

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diadic Affairs he very often puts his

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intimate partner in touch with a

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cheating partner
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when he does all this

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it is not because he seeks pain it's not

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because he's a masochist

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uh Rick at the end of this video I'm

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going to read a few segments a few

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sections from a book by Theodore Miller

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about the similarities and

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dissimilarities between narcissism and

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masochism in this particular case it's

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not about masochism because the

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narcissist truly experiences Agony and

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he hates it

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it's also not kakodri

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the narcissist is not sexually aroused

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by the fact that his intimate partner is

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with another man on the contrary it

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depresses him and reduces his libido to

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zero it has the opposite effect to

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sexual arousal so narcissists are not

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masokis

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they don't seek pain they are not

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cuckolds they're not aroused by

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extramarital or extra diadic affairs

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with all kinds of bulls

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uh they just use cheating to get rid of

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the intimate partner

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they just they merely wish to get rid of

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the intimate partner altogether or at

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the very least to minimize her footprint

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in the narcissist's life

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unconsciously though

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there is another layer

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the narcissist catastrophizes

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he believes that the world is hostile

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bad things are going to happen

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people are not trustworthy

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everyone is out to get him there's a lot

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of paranoia involved in narcissism her

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secondary delusions indeed I'm trying to

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recast paranoia is a variant of

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narcissism because the paranoid believes

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that he is the dissenter of some

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conspiracy center of attention however

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malign
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so unconsciously with the narcissist

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this strategy

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over I'm gonna push my partner to cheat

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on me so that I can get rid of her

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so that she feels guilty so that she

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doesn't bother me again

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this strategy is intended to control

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what to control who

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to control the inevitable

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inevitable

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abandonment rejection

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cheating betrayal and humiliation

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because the narcissist believes that

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these things

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are inevitable
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that his intimate partner is going to

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anyhow cheat on him anyhow betray him

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anyhow humiliating it's gonna happen

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ineluctably

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better to be on top

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better to serve the wave

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better to control the outcomes by

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orchestrating the antecedents but better

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to engineer the cheating so that you can

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tell yourself as a narcissist it was all

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my doing I'm a puppet master I'm in

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control I'm omnipotent I'm god-like I

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play with people's Destinies and Minds

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and so this satisfies

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grandiosity the grandiosity cognitive

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distortion it satisfies the narcissist

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inherent and all pervasive belief

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that he is the center of the world

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everything revolves around him and he is

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pivotal he's a pivot

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is the axis around which everyone's

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lives and minds and wishes and hopes and

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dreams and everything

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it's around him it's always around him

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so even cheating

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should be actually an extension of him

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even cheating should be his doing and no

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one else's

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so this is the first unconscious motive

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motivation

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there is a second unconscious motivation

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the narcissist

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feels the need

285
00:12:52,560 --> 00:12:56,760
to sadistically punish his partners

286
00:12:56,760 --> 00:13:00,899
he needs he has to satisfy this need

287
00:13:00,899 --> 00:13:04,079
and he wants to sadistically punish his

288
00:13:04,079 --> 00:13:06,899
partners because he perceives them

289
00:13:06,899 --> 00:13:09,420
as frustrating objects

290
00:13:09,420 --> 00:13:11,220
he perceives them

291
00:13:11,220 --> 00:13:13,620
is sadistically punishing him

292
00:13:13,620 --> 00:13:15,959
projection

293
00:13:15,959 --> 00:13:17,459
he believes

294
00:13:17,459 --> 00:13:19,880
that his intimate partners

295
00:13:19,880 --> 00:13:23,639
Everlasting presence her demands her
296
00:13:23,639 --> 00:13:27,300
inquiries her complaints her wishes

297
00:13:27,300 --> 00:13:28,680
her hopes

298
00:13:28,680 --> 00:13:31,740
these are forms of encroachment

299
00:13:31,740 --> 00:13:34,380
it's a form of imprisonment and

300
00:13:34,380 --> 00:13:35,660
shacklement

301
00:13:35,660 --> 00:13:39,480
incarceration Suffocation and smothering

302
00:13:39,480 --> 00:13:43,019
that the narcissist resents and he wants

303
00:13:43,019 --> 00:13:45,540
to punish it his partner for inflicting

304
00:13:45,540 --> 00:13:47,100
all these on him

305
00:13:47,100 --> 00:13:50,040
he wants to punish her sadistically

306
00:13:50,040 --> 00:13:54,720
cruelly he does this by withdrawing from

307
00:13:54,720 --> 00:13:55,940
the relationship

308
00:13:55,940 --> 00:13:59,339
upsenting himself emotionally and

309
00:13:59,339 --> 00:14:02,339
sometimes physically and when these

310
00:14:02,339 --> 00:14:03,360
don't work
311
00:14:03,360 --> 00:14:05,220
when the intimate partner doesn't get

312
00:14:05,220 --> 00:14:07,500
the message doesn't understand the

313
00:14:07,500 --> 00:14:10,680
signal stay away from me leave me alone

314
00:14:10,680 --> 00:14:14,519
let me be let me have my life I need my

315
00:14:14,519 --> 00:14:17,220
space I need my time Infinite Space and

316
00:14:17,220 --> 00:14:19,260
infinite time you're just here to serve

317
00:14:19,260 --> 00:14:21,240
me when and if I need

318
00:14:21,240 --> 00:14:23,760
Etc when she doesn't get this message

319
00:14:23,760 --> 00:14:25,860
he coerces her

320
00:14:25,860 --> 00:14:29,339
he pushes her he cajols her

321
00:14:29,339 --> 00:14:31,620
he forces her

322
00:14:31,620 --> 00:14:33,839
to self-trush

323
00:14:33,839 --> 00:14:37,079
sexually self-trust with another man by

324
00:14:37,079 --> 00:14:40,699
cheating on him or axiologically

325
00:14:40,699 --> 00:14:44,519
self-trash in other words betray betray

326
00:14:44,519 --> 00:14:46,260
her own values

327
00:14:46,260 --> 00:14:49,019
often the two go together the intimate

328
00:14:49,019 --> 00:14:51,120
partners of the narcissist don't want to

329
00:14:51,120 --> 00:14:53,519
cheat on him it goes against their

330
00:14:53,519 --> 00:14:55,500
values their beliefs

331
00:14:55,500 --> 00:14:58,500
it's not it's not ingrained in them

332
00:14:58,500 --> 00:15:01,199
inculcated in them it's not who they are

333
00:15:01,199 --> 00:15:03,120
but the narcissist forces them to

334
00:15:03,120 --> 00:15:05,760
transform themselves and to betray their

335
00:15:05,760 --> 00:15:08,880
values and to act in a way which is

336
00:15:08,880 --> 00:15:10,320
atypical

337
00:15:10,320 --> 00:15:12,360
unusual

338
00:15:12,360 --> 00:15:13,980
very often

339
00:15:13,980 --> 00:15:15,899
the intimate partners of narcissists

340
00:15:15,899 --> 00:15:18,480
having cheated on the narcissist are

341
00:15:18,480 --> 00:15:20,880
absolutely shocked egotistonic

342
00:15:20,880 --> 00:15:23,880
devastated sad heartbroken that they

343
00:15:23,880 --> 00:15:25,860
have done it

344
00:15:25,860 --> 00:15:27,600
and so

345
00:15:27,600 --> 00:15:30,300
The Narcissist has this need

346
00:15:30,300 --> 00:15:33,779
to also punish his partner by forcing

347
00:15:33,779 --> 00:15:36,300
her to become someone else

348
00:15:36,300 --> 00:15:39,120
but kind of taking over her mind

349
00:15:39,120 --> 00:15:42,839
and playing with it it's a mind game

350
00:15:42,839 --> 00:15:45,800
and a power play

351
00:15:46,139 --> 00:15:48,120
okay you ask

352
00:15:48,120 --> 00:15:49,980
The Narcissist needs to get rid of his

353
00:15:49,980 --> 00:15:51,959
intimate partner and his way of doing

354
00:15:51,959 --> 00:15:54,720
this is pushing her to another man and
355
00:15:54,720 --> 00:15:57,320
then he has the upper hand

356
00:15:57,320 --> 00:16:02,579
is is the Moral Moral victim

357
00:16:02,579 --> 00:16:05,100
and he can tell her to go and she has no

358
00:16:05,100 --> 00:16:07,560
claim on him because she misbehaved

359
00:16:07,560 --> 00:16:10,680
her misconduct rules out any further

360
00:16:10,680 --> 00:16:12,779
negotiation great

361
00:16:12,779 --> 00:16:15,120
but doesn't he care

362
00:16:15,120 --> 00:16:17,820
doesn't the narcissist care

363
00:16:17,820 --> 00:16:21,839
that his wife that his girlfriend that

364
00:16:21,839 --> 00:16:24,839
his date is with another man

365
00:16:24,839 --> 00:16:28,440
and the shocking answer is no he

366
00:16:28,440 --> 00:16:30,779
actually doesn't care

367
00:16:30,779 --> 00:16:33,600
The Narcissist couldn't care less

368
00:16:33,600 --> 00:16:36,180
than the woman in his life is with

369
00:16:36,180 --> 00:16:38,160
another man regardless of what it is
370
00:16:38,160 --> 00:16:40,800
they're doing sex included

371
00:16:40,800 --> 00:16:43,680
The Narcissist feels relieved

372
00:16:43,680 --> 00:16:45,420
released

373
00:16:45,420 --> 00:16:46,800
free

374
00:16:46,800 --> 00:16:49,199
that she's gone

375
00:16:49,199 --> 00:16:51,120
the narcissist

376
00:16:51,120 --> 00:16:52,920
suddenly

377
00:16:52,920 --> 00:16:55,019
feels Unshackled

378
00:16:55,019 --> 00:16:57,000
she will not be making any further

379
00:16:57,000 --> 00:17:00,779
demands on me she will not stop me I'm a

380
00:17:00,779 --> 00:17:02,880
free man

381
00:17:02,880 --> 00:17:07,439
so no the Nazis doesn't care what the

382
00:17:07,439 --> 00:17:09,240
woman in his life does with other people

383
00:17:09,240 --> 00:17:12,059
with other men at all and I mean at all

384
00:17:12,059 --> 00:17:14,459
not even minimally on the contrary he

385
00:17:14,459 --> 00:17:17,220
has positive effectivity he reacts

386
00:17:17,220 --> 00:17:19,699
positively

387
00:17:19,859 --> 00:17:22,020
but then you say wait a minute didn't

388
00:17:22,020 --> 00:17:25,020
you say a few sentences ago when we were

389
00:17:25,020 --> 00:17:27,419
all much younger that the narcissist

390
00:17:27,419 --> 00:17:30,960
experiences pain excruciating pain when

391
00:17:30,960 --> 00:17:32,160
this happens

392
00:17:32,160 --> 00:17:33,780
yes I did

393
00:17:33,780 --> 00:17:36,720
but it's not the kind of pain you think

394
00:17:36,720 --> 00:17:39,179
it should be it's another kind of pain

395
00:17:39,179 --> 00:17:42,419
and I'm coming to it in a second

396
00:17:42,419 --> 00:17:44,039
the narcissist

397
00:17:44,039 --> 00:17:45,660
doesn't care

398
00:17:45,660 --> 00:17:48,120
doesn't react emotionally in any way

399
00:17:48,120 --> 00:17:49,260
shape or form

400
00:17:49,260 --> 00:17:51,480
definitely not negatively

401
00:17:51,480 --> 00:17:53,580
to the fact that the woman in his life

402
00:17:53,580 --> 00:17:55,740
is with another man

403
00:17:55,740 --> 00:17:58,280
is actually angry

404
00:17:58,280 --> 00:18:01,559
if an intimate partner resists his

405
00:18:01,559 --> 00:18:04,140
prodding he's pushing

406
00:18:04,140 --> 00:18:07,400
his interpolation interpolation

407
00:18:07,400 --> 00:18:11,039
describes the situation where people

408
00:18:11,039 --> 00:18:15,000
adopt others expectations as their own

409
00:18:15,000 --> 00:18:16,860
they internalize other people's

410
00:18:16,860 --> 00:18:19,260
expectations this interpolation when the

411
00:18:19,260 --> 00:18:20,700
intimate partner of the narcissist

412
00:18:20,700 --> 00:18:23,280
refuses to be played with

413
00:18:23,280 --> 00:18:26,220
refuses to succumb refuses to give in
414
00:18:26,220 --> 00:18:28,440
refuses to collaborate and collude in

415
00:18:28,440 --> 00:18:30,780
the narcissist crude maneuver to push

416
00:18:30,780 --> 00:18:33,360
her to cheat on him or to betray him in

417
00:18:33,360 --> 00:18:35,640
some other way The Narcissist becomes

418
00:18:35,640 --> 00:18:37,020
angry

419
00:18:37,020 --> 00:18:40,500
he's actually angry at intimate Partners

420
00:18:40,500 --> 00:18:43,679
who resist the manipulation and survive

421
00:18:43,679 --> 00:18:46,140
in the relationship

422
00:18:46,140 --> 00:18:48,000
when he pushes

423
00:18:48,000 --> 00:18:50,460
a woman in his life his girlfriend his

424
00:18:50,460 --> 00:18:52,140
date his his wife

425
00:18:52,140 --> 00:18:53,700
to go out

426
00:18:53,700 --> 00:18:55,919
to a specific man and have sex with him

427
00:18:55,919 --> 00:18:57,419
and she doesn't

428
00:18:57,419 --> 00:19:00,299
it makes him Furious makes him angry
429
00:19:00,299 --> 00:19:01,500
because

430
00:19:01,500 --> 00:19:03,960
these intimate partners are perceived as

431
00:19:03,960 --> 00:19:05,120
clingy

432
00:19:05,120 --> 00:19:08,580
needy threatening

433
00:19:08,580 --> 00:19:12,000
what's the threat the ultimate

434
00:19:12,000 --> 00:19:14,280
cheating the ultimate betrayal because

435
00:19:14,280 --> 00:19:16,799
remember the narcissist believes that

436
00:19:16,799 --> 00:19:19,740
sooner or later the other shoe will drop

437
00:19:19,740 --> 00:19:22,320
sooner or later the intimate partner

438
00:19:22,320 --> 00:19:25,260
will cheat on him so why not now

439
00:19:25,260 --> 00:19:28,020
it's as if the internet partner says I'm

440
00:19:28,020 --> 00:19:29,460
going to cheat on you in my own good

441
00:19:29,460 --> 00:19:32,760
time I'm not gonna obey your script

442
00:19:32,760 --> 00:19:34,679
I'm going to choose who to treat with

443
00:19:34,679 --> 00:19:37,260
and when to cheat okay and the

444
00:19:37,260 --> 00:19:39,840
narcissist is furious he says

445
00:19:39,840 --> 00:19:42,419
yo intimate partner if you want to cheat

446
00:19:42,419 --> 00:19:44,760
on me why don't you do it right now with

447
00:19:44,760 --> 00:19:47,280
this guy that I've selected for you and

448
00:19:47,280 --> 00:19:49,140
I've put you in touch with

449
00:19:49,140 --> 00:19:51,960
why don't you obey my script why don't

450
00:19:51,960 --> 00:19:53,460
you do you have to do it independently

451
00:19:53,460 --> 00:19:56,039
and then cause me horrible pain

452
00:19:56,039 --> 00:19:58,860
I know you're gonna do it in any case

453
00:19:58,860 --> 00:20:00,660
I know I'm gonna do it in any case so

454
00:20:00,660 --> 00:20:02,299
why not do it now

455
00:20:02,299 --> 00:20:05,580
why Shock Me and surprise me and

456
00:20:05,580 --> 00:20:07,559
traumatize me in the future when you

457
00:20:07,559 --> 00:20:10,260
could do it right now and release me and

458
00:20:10,260 --> 00:20:13,200
make me feel good so he becomes angry

459
00:20:13,200 --> 00:20:15,799
foreign

460
00:20:18,600 --> 00:20:20,760
several times in this video that the

461
00:20:20,760 --> 00:20:23,160
implementation of this strategy

462
00:20:23,160 --> 00:20:24,960
the only way to get rid of my internet

463
00:20:24,960 --> 00:20:27,360
partner is to force her to cheat on me

464
00:20:27,360 --> 00:20:29,280
get rid of her for good

465
00:20:29,280 --> 00:20:31,500
get rid of her for real

466
00:20:31,500 --> 00:20:34,500
get rid of her with no trace the only

467
00:20:34,500 --> 00:20:36,179
way to accomplish this to accomplish

468
00:20:36,179 --> 00:20:38,039
this is to push her to cheat

469
00:20:38,039 --> 00:20:40,380
but I did say that this strategy causes

470
00:20:40,380 --> 00:20:42,480
excruciating pain

471
00:20:42,480 --> 00:20:44,700
how come

472
00:20:44,700 --> 00:20:46,919
what kind of pain
473
00:20:46,919 --> 00:20:50,220
the pain that the narcissist experiences

474
00:20:50,220 --> 00:20:53,400
is not romantic jealousy

475
00:20:53,400 --> 00:20:56,039
it is not possessiveness he couldn't

476
00:20:56,039 --> 00:20:58,620
care less what his intimate partner is

477
00:20:58,620 --> 00:20:59,940
doing with other men

478
00:20:59,940 --> 00:21:02,340
none whatsoever

479
00:21:02,340 --> 00:21:05,460
the pain that the narcissist experiences

480
00:21:05,460 --> 00:21:08,100
is narcissistic injury

481
00:21:08,100 --> 00:21:10,980
and if the Betrayal of the cheating is

482
00:21:10,980 --> 00:21:11,760
public

483
00:21:11,760 --> 00:21:15,240
then its narcissistic modification

484
00:21:15,240 --> 00:21:20,419
that's the pain injury or mortification

485
00:21:20,419 --> 00:21:23,100
the pain in other words that the

486
00:21:23,100 --> 00:21:25,799
narcissist experiences when his wife

487
00:21:25,799 --> 00:21:28,020
cheats on him or his girlfriend cheats
488
00:21:28,020 --> 00:21:28,860
on him

489
00:21:28,860 --> 00:21:32,039
or his date cheats on it the pain the

490
00:21:32,039 --> 00:21:34,440
narcissistic experiences has nothing to

491
00:21:34,440 --> 00:21:35,460
do with her

492
00:21:35,460 --> 00:21:37,980
has nothing to do with the other guy

493
00:21:37,980 --> 00:21:39,960
the pain that the narcissist experiences

494
00:21:39,960 --> 00:21:43,200
has to do with himself of course

495
00:21:43,200 --> 00:21:46,860
he has been narcissistically injured he

496
00:21:46,860 --> 00:21:51,120
has been narcissistically modified

497
00:21:51,120 --> 00:21:52,500
one

498
00:21:52,500 --> 00:21:55,620
what causes this injury or this

499
00:21:55,620 --> 00:21:58,080
modification

500
00:21:58,080 --> 00:22:01,620
it is about and solely about only about

501
00:22:01,620 --> 00:22:05,340
being disrespected and humiliated by

502
00:22:05,340 --> 00:22:07,260
other men

503
00:22:07,260 --> 00:22:10,080
other men when they see the narcissist

504
00:22:10,080 --> 00:22:14,220
pushing his his partner when they say

505
00:22:14,220 --> 00:22:16,500
the narcissist pushing his women to

506
00:22:16,500 --> 00:22:18,480
cheat with other men

507
00:22:18,480 --> 00:22:22,679
they think of him as a doormat a cuckold

508
00:22:22,679 --> 00:22:25,980
or a coward who is unable to restrain

509
00:22:25,980 --> 00:22:29,700
his women folk or unable to protect his

510
00:22:29,700 --> 00:22:32,340
women in other words

511
00:22:32,340 --> 00:22:35,220
The Narcissist strategy to get rid of

512
00:22:35,220 --> 00:22:36,900
his intimate partner

513
00:22:36,900 --> 00:22:38,760
generates

514
00:22:38,760 --> 00:22:41,640
derision and mockery

515
00:22:41,640 --> 00:22:43,940
among his peers

516
00:22:43,940 --> 00:22:46,460
observers of his behavior

517
00:22:46,460 --> 00:22:49,620
misinterpret the dynamic they think he

518
00:22:49,620 --> 00:22:51,120
is a masochist

519
00:22:51,120 --> 00:22:54,539
they think he is submissive they think

520
00:22:54,539 --> 00:22:56,220
he's a cuckold

521
00:22:56,220 --> 00:22:58,500
they think he's a coward

522
00:22:58,500 --> 00:23:00,659
he is none of the above

523
00:23:00,659 --> 00:23:03,000
he is actually cold-blooded and

524
00:23:03,000 --> 00:23:04,700
calculated

525
00:23:04,700 --> 00:23:07,020
engineering the whole situation from A

526
00:23:07,020 --> 00:23:10,679
to Z to obtain a very selfish goal

527
00:23:10,679 --> 00:23:13,740
is being self-efficacious the exact

528
00:23:13,740 --> 00:23:14,820
opposite

529
00:23:14,820 --> 00:23:18,900
of a doormat or a cuckold or a coward

530
00:23:18,900 --> 00:23:20,580
but people

531
00:23:20,580 --> 00:23:23,880
can't wrap their heads they can't they
532
00:23:23,880 --> 00:23:26,940
can't grasp this strategy it is so alien

533
00:23:26,940 --> 00:23:31,020
so counter-intuitive so crazy making

534
00:23:31,020 --> 00:23:33,720
that they can't believe it's true

535
00:23:33,720 --> 00:23:36,120
they say all nonsense he's just you know

536
00:23:36,120 --> 00:23:37,860
it's a cognitive dissonance

537
00:23:37,860 --> 00:23:41,100
his girlfriend cheated on him so he

538
00:23:41,100 --> 00:23:42,720
invented the story that he made it

539
00:23:42,720 --> 00:23:43,440
happen

540
00:23:43,440 --> 00:23:45,360
that he pushed her to cheat

541
00:23:45,360 --> 00:23:47,820
that he you know people people don't

542
00:23:47,820 --> 00:23:49,980
believe this they say oh he's just

543
00:23:49,980 --> 00:23:52,380
trying to show that he was in control he

544
00:23:52,380 --> 00:23:54,539
was actually deeply hurt

545
00:23:54,539 --> 00:23:57,780
and he wanted her to not do it so he was

546
00:23:57,780 --> 00:23:59,520
testing her maybe he was just testing
547
00:23:59,520 --> 00:24:02,460
her it's none of the above

548
00:24:02,460 --> 00:24:04,620
it's not a test

549
00:24:04,620 --> 00:24:07,500
it's not it doesn't involve romantic

550
00:24:07,500 --> 00:24:10,620
jealousy or possessiveness it does not

551
00:24:10,620 --> 00:24:13,260
hurt the narcissist there's no pain this

552
00:24:13,260 --> 00:24:14,820
kind of thing

553
00:24:14,820 --> 00:24:17,100
it's none of the above

554
00:24:17,100 --> 00:24:18,900
it's a maneuver

555
00:24:18,900 --> 00:24:20,580
it's a tactic

556
00:24:20,580 --> 00:24:24,299
it's a strategy of reading oneself

557
00:24:24,299 --> 00:24:27,900
of undesired and undesirable intimate

558
00:24:27,900 --> 00:24:30,360
Partners end of story

559
00:24:30,360 --> 00:24:34,980
it's absolutely cold-blooded

560
00:24:34,980 --> 00:24:36,780
but again

561
00:24:36,780 --> 00:24:39,720
the peers of the narcissist misinterpret

562
00:24:39,720 --> 00:24:42,539
his behavior and this misinterpretation

563
00:24:42,539 --> 00:24:45,659
causes him narcissistic injury and

564
00:24:45,659 --> 00:24:48,600
narcissistic modification he feels

565
00:24:48,600 --> 00:24:51,539
humiliated by the misunderstanding of

566
00:24:51,539 --> 00:24:54,120
his motivation

567
00:24:54,120 --> 00:24:56,940
at the same time

568
00:24:56,940 --> 00:24:59,640
when he pushes his intimate partner to

569
00:24:59,640 --> 00:25:02,720
cheat and she does ultimately

570
00:25:02,720 --> 00:25:05,340
this is automatically perceived by The

571
00:25:05,340 --> 00:25:09,299
Narcissist as rejection and humiliation

572
00:25:09,299 --> 00:25:12,299
is a kind of criticism as if he were

573
00:25:12,299 --> 00:25:13,919
inadequate

574
00:25:13,919 --> 00:25:17,760
mentally ill incapacitated

575
00:25:17,760 --> 00:25:20,039
um not good enough

576
00:25:20,039 --> 00:25:22,620
in other words unworthy in other words

577
00:25:22,620 --> 00:25:25,740
as if he is less than perfect

578
00:25:25,740 --> 00:25:28,500
so this is the irony of the situation

579
00:25:28,500 --> 00:25:30,539
The Narcissist pushes this intimate

580
00:25:30,539 --> 00:25:32,460
partner to cheat on him in order to get

581
00:25:32,460 --> 00:25:35,159
rid of her he pushes really hard

582
00:25:35,159 --> 00:25:37,919
he pushes really hard it's like hard

583
00:25:37,919 --> 00:25:39,240
work

584
00:25:39,240 --> 00:25:41,880
then it happens of course because if you

585
00:25:41,880 --> 00:25:44,159
push anything hard enough it happens

586
00:25:44,159 --> 00:25:45,779
then it happens

587
00:25:45,779 --> 00:25:48,600
and then once it happens the good news

588
00:25:48,600 --> 00:25:51,600
is the Silver Lining he does succeed to

589
00:25:51,600 --> 00:25:53,460
get rid of the intimate part

590
00:25:53,460 --> 00:25:55,700
but the cloud is
591
00:25:55,700 --> 00:25:58,559
societal reaction the action of everyone

592
00:25:58,559 --> 00:26:00,900
around it

593
00:26:00,900 --> 00:26:02,700
the peers

594
00:26:02,700 --> 00:26:05,340
his peers his colleagues his family

595
00:26:05,340 --> 00:26:08,159
everyone thinks that he's a doormat a

596
00:26:08,159 --> 00:26:10,799
cuckold a coward

597
00:26:10,799 --> 00:26:13,080
Etc not protective enough

598
00:26:13,080 --> 00:26:15,299
Etc so this hurts this is an

599
00:26:15,299 --> 00:26:16,679
narcissistic injury or multiplication

600
00:26:16,679 --> 00:26:18,679
similarly

601
00:26:18,679 --> 00:26:21,840
unconsciously he perceives the act of

602
00:26:21,840 --> 00:26:22,760
cheating

603
00:26:22,760 --> 00:26:27,179
as a kind of rejection and humiliation

604
00:26:27,179 --> 00:26:29,039
an indication that he is less than

605
00:26:29,039 --> 00:26:30,000
perfect
606
00:26:30,000 --> 00:26:32,279
never mind that he engineered everything

607
00:26:32,279 --> 00:26:34,020
never mind that he controlled everything

608
00:26:34,020 --> 00:26:36,960
never mind that he puppeteered everyone

609
00:26:36,960 --> 00:26:38,159
involved

610
00:26:38,159 --> 00:26:41,220
or at least he tells himself this never

611
00:26:41,220 --> 00:26:42,419
mind all that

612
00:26:42,419 --> 00:26:46,140
there's still this element of

613
00:26:46,140 --> 00:26:49,140
she went ahead with it she actually went

614
00:26:49,140 --> 00:26:52,020
ahead with it that means that I wasn't

615
00:26:52,020 --> 00:26:55,200
good enough that's the bad object

616
00:26:55,200 --> 00:26:58,140
speaking and if you revert if you go

617
00:26:58,140 --> 00:27:00,600
back to the previous video I posted

618
00:27:00,600 --> 00:27:03,059
about the Betrayal fantasy I talk a lot

619
00:27:03,059 --> 00:27:05,700
about the bad object because what

620
00:27:05,700 --> 00:27:06,840
happens is

621
00:27:06,840 --> 00:27:09,179
when the narcissist is exposed to this

622
00:27:09,179 --> 00:27:10,380
point of view

623
00:27:10,380 --> 00:27:12,720
you're a coward you're cuckold you're a

624
00:27:12,720 --> 00:27:14,760
doormat you're not protective you're not

625
00:27:14,760 --> 00:27:16,620
a man you're not you're inadequate

626
00:27:16,620 --> 00:27:18,539
you're not good enough you're Unworthy

627
00:27:18,539 --> 00:27:20,640
of love you're not lovable so when he's

628
00:27:20,640 --> 00:27:22,559
exposed to these messages

629
00:27:22,559 --> 00:27:24,779
from the environment

630
00:27:24,779 --> 00:27:27,600
even though these messages are a

631
00:27:27,600 --> 00:27:30,000
misinterpretation of what had happened

632
00:27:30,000 --> 00:27:32,400
these messages are wrong

633
00:27:32,400 --> 00:27:35,279
people don't realize

634
00:27:35,279 --> 00:27:38,760
that the narcissist had acted in his own

635
00:27:38,760 --> 00:27:41,159
best self-interest

636
00:27:41,159 --> 00:27:43,440
people don't understand because they

637
00:27:43,440 --> 00:27:46,799
can't grasp the narcissistic world it's

638
00:27:46,799 --> 00:27:50,460
so not human it's so alien

639
00:27:50,460 --> 00:27:53,400
but then because the narcissist is

640
00:27:53,400 --> 00:27:56,039
crucially dependent on input and

641
00:27:56,039 --> 00:27:58,380
feedback from the outside

642
00:27:58,380 --> 00:28:01,380
because he's subject to internal

643
00:28:01,380 --> 00:28:03,539
regulation of his sense of self-worth

644
00:28:03,539 --> 00:28:04,860
for example

645
00:28:04,860 --> 00:28:08,100
because he builds his identity on the

646
00:28:08,100 --> 00:28:09,779
Fly

647
00:28:09,779 --> 00:28:12,419
from narcissistic Supply and bits of

648
00:28:12,419 --> 00:28:14,400
attention because there's a kaleidoscope

649
00:28:14,400 --> 00:28:16,860
of other people's gazes
650
00:28:16,860 --> 00:28:18,900
because of all this

651
00:28:18,900 --> 00:28:21,440
he willy-nilly

652
00:28:21,440 --> 00:28:23,360
unwillingly

653
00:28:23,360 --> 00:28:27,720
internalizes their fallacious wrong

654
00:28:27,720 --> 00:28:30,600
point of view and comes to regard

655
00:28:30,600 --> 00:28:32,460
himself

656
00:28:32,460 --> 00:28:34,799
is inefficacious

657
00:28:34,799 --> 00:28:40,440
helpless and lovable obsequious unworthy

658
00:28:40,440 --> 00:28:45,659
ugly Craven doormat coward

659
00:28:45,659 --> 00:28:48,000
etc etc

660
00:28:48,000 --> 00:28:49,799
actually

661
00:28:49,799 --> 00:28:51,720
in his own mind

662
00:28:51,720 --> 00:28:54,840
he had been cuckolded

663
00:28:54,840 --> 00:28:58,559
he knows it's not true because he knows

664
00:28:58,559 --> 00:29:00,200
that he has done everything
665
00:29:00,200 --> 00:29:04,200
intentionally with a planning mind

666
00:29:04,200 --> 00:29:07,440
he knows that all the steps that led to

667
00:29:07,440 --> 00:29:09,779
the cheating were his own doing 100

668
00:29:09,779 --> 00:29:11,820
percent

669
00:29:11,820 --> 00:29:14,039
so he knows that he's The Mastermind he

670
00:29:14,039 --> 00:29:16,620
knows that he's a puppet master and yet

671
00:29:16,620 --> 00:29:19,640
because the narcissist always

672
00:29:19,640 --> 00:29:22,440
internalizes other people's gaze other

673
00:29:22,440 --> 00:29:24,539
people's point of view

674
00:29:24,539 --> 00:29:28,860
he is forced he has no defenses

675
00:29:28,860 --> 00:29:32,159
against the alternative fallacious wrong

676
00:29:32,159 --> 00:29:34,880
view of what he had done any

677
00:29:34,880 --> 00:29:39,320
internalizes it and then it feeds into

678
00:29:39,320 --> 00:29:42,779
his harsh inner critic

679
00:29:42,779 --> 00:29:46,860
it it kind of fuels this sadistic

680
00:29:46,860 --> 00:29:50,520
superego or bad object interjects

681
00:29:50,520 --> 00:29:53,460
it amplifies the shame

682
00:29:53,460 --> 00:29:55,679
that underlies narcissism

683
00:29:55,679 --> 00:29:58,140
because narcissism is the outcome of

684
00:29:58,140 --> 00:29:59,520
Shame

685
00:29:59,520 --> 00:30:02,820
you should read work by Masterson and

686
00:30:02,820 --> 00:30:05,820
Lydia regelowska and so it's intimately

687
00:30:05,820 --> 00:30:07,679
connected to shame

688
00:30:07,679 --> 00:30:11,100
so narcissism is a shame a reaction to

689
00:30:11,100 --> 00:30:15,179
shame a defense against shame and

690
00:30:15,179 --> 00:30:18,000
the whole process of forcing his

691
00:30:18,000 --> 00:30:20,940
internet partner to cheat and then being

692
00:30:20,940 --> 00:30:25,020
exposed to ridicule mockery and derision

693
00:30:25,020 --> 00:30:29,940
and pity in contempt this whole process

694
00:30:29,940 --> 00:30:33,179
having internalized this input

695
00:30:33,179 --> 00:30:34,440
feeds

696
00:30:34,440 --> 00:30:37,080
the narcissist's shame

697
00:30:37,080 --> 00:30:38,520
the furnace

698
00:30:38,520 --> 00:30:40,860
in which the narcissist Burns eternally

699
00:30:40,860 --> 00:30:43,980
his own his own

700
00:30:43,980 --> 00:30:48,000
inner hell and Inferno the shame then

701
00:30:48,000 --> 00:30:51,600
erupts out of control like so much magma

702
00:30:51,600 --> 00:30:55,080
or lava out of a volcano

703
00:30:55,080 --> 00:30:58,080
the shame consumes the narcissist

704
00:30:58,080 --> 00:30:59,940
to

705
00:30:59,940 --> 00:31:02,840
to life-threatening proportions

706
00:31:02,840 --> 00:31:07,320
analysis could easily become suicidal

707
00:31:07,320 --> 00:31:08,820
so

708
00:31:08,820 --> 00:31:10,860
it is so bizarre
709
00:31:10,860 --> 00:31:15,000
because the narcissists to recap to

710
00:31:15,000 --> 00:31:18,179
recap see how strange about combined

711
00:31:18,179 --> 00:31:21,000
bending this is the narcissist wants to

712
00:31:21,000 --> 00:31:22,919
get rid of his intimate Puck he pushes

713
00:31:22,919 --> 00:31:24,720
her to cheat it's all he's doing it's

714
00:31:24,720 --> 00:31:26,700
all his plan it's he's utterly in

715
00:31:26,700 --> 00:31:29,039
control he pushes it to cheat then she

716
00:31:29,039 --> 00:31:31,260
cheats then other people mock The

717
00:31:31,260 --> 00:31:34,080
Narcissist then instead of saying to

718
00:31:34,080 --> 00:31:35,700
himself they don't know what they're

719
00:31:35,700 --> 00:31:38,640
talking about this is not true I know

720
00:31:38,640 --> 00:31:41,220
what happened I made it happen instead

721
00:31:41,220 --> 00:31:42,539
of doing this

722
00:31:42,539 --> 00:31:45,539
he internalizes the point of view of

723
00:31:45,539 --> 00:31:48,899
other people their gaze they're ridicule
724
00:31:48,899 --> 00:31:52,080
and mockery and derision internalizes it

725
00:31:52,080 --> 00:31:54,299
we internalizes all these

726
00:31:54,299 --> 00:31:58,440
because he is used he is used to feeding

727
00:31:58,440 --> 00:32:01,020
off the feedback and input of other

728
00:32:01,020 --> 00:32:03,779
people he is used to reconstitute

729
00:32:03,779 --> 00:32:05,640
himself on the Fly

730
00:32:05,640 --> 00:32:07,679
based on other people's input and

731
00:32:07,679 --> 00:32:08,700
feedback

732
00:32:08,700 --> 00:32:12,539
he can't help it it's a reflex it's out

733
00:32:12,539 --> 00:32:14,820
of control so he internalizes this point

734
00:32:14,820 --> 00:32:17,760
of view and then is flooded with shame

735
00:32:17,760 --> 00:32:20,940
and becomes suicidal

736
00:32:20,940 --> 00:32:24,419
or can you see great thank you vaknin

737
00:32:24,419 --> 00:32:26,520
now we understand much more that we

738
00:32:26,520 --> 00:32:28,620
understand much less

739
00:32:28,620 --> 00:32:29,460
okay

740
00:32:29,460 --> 00:32:31,620
why

741
00:32:31,620 --> 00:32:34,440
not change the strategy

742
00:32:34,440 --> 00:32:37,039
why continue with this potentially

743
00:32:37,039 --> 00:32:38,940
life-threatening game

744
00:32:38,940 --> 00:32:41,820
mind play in power play I mean why mind

745
00:32:41,820 --> 00:32:44,220
game and properly why

746
00:32:44,220 --> 00:32:47,399
not learn from experience and never ever

747
00:32:47,399 --> 00:32:49,440
do it again

748
00:32:49,440 --> 00:32:52,679
and the answer is the shared fantasy

749
00:32:52,679 --> 00:32:55,080
the narcissists only

750
00:32:55,080 --> 00:32:59,279
meaningful relationships are within the

751
00:32:59,279 --> 00:33:01,980
shared fantastic space it's known as a

752
00:33:01,980 --> 00:33:04,559
shared fantasy was first described in

753
00:33:04,559 --> 00:33:06,840
1989

754
00:33:06,840 --> 00:33:09,419
the shared fantasy of the narcissist

755
00:33:09,419 --> 00:33:12,120
is highly addictive I've described it in

756
00:33:12,120 --> 00:33:13,679
previous videos

757
00:33:13,679 --> 00:33:15,419
including interviews with the

758
00:33:15,419 --> 00:33:18,120
aforementioned fake friend

759
00:33:18,120 --> 00:33:22,080
so the shirt fantasy is highly addictive

760
00:33:22,080 --> 00:33:25,380
the partner gets addicted to the shared

761
00:33:25,380 --> 00:33:26,640
fantasy

762
00:33:26,640 --> 00:33:29,880
and when the partner is cut off

763
00:33:29,880 --> 00:33:33,840
this generates stalking behaviors

764
00:33:33,840 --> 00:33:36,360
stalking behaviors the intimate partner

765
00:33:36,360 --> 00:33:39,240
cannot let go of the shared fantasy and

766
00:33:39,240 --> 00:33:41,760
of the narcissists

767
00:33:41,760 --> 00:33:44,580
and if the intimate partner is pushed
768
00:33:44,580 --> 00:33:46,860
away violently and aggressively being

769
00:33:46,860 --> 00:33:50,279
blocked or I don't know what threatened

770
00:33:50,279 --> 00:33:53,340
the intimate the the erstwhile intimate

771
00:33:53,340 --> 00:33:56,399
partner becomes hateful this virulent

772
00:33:56,399 --> 00:33:59,600
hatred inspiring women anyhow

773
00:33:59,600 --> 00:34:01,279
but

774
00:34:01,279 --> 00:34:04,380
refugees of the shared fantasy

775
00:34:04,380 --> 00:34:07,260
intimate Partners who have been cast out

776
00:34:07,260 --> 00:34:10,679
of the shirt fantasy out of paradise out

777
00:34:10,679 --> 00:34:12,480
of the Garden of Eden

778
00:34:12,480 --> 00:34:16,679
they resent hate detest The Narcissist

779
00:34:16,679 --> 00:34:19,080
they want him dead

780
00:34:19,080 --> 00:34:20,460
so

781
00:34:20,460 --> 00:34:22,859
the shared fantasy is highly addictive

782
00:34:22,859 --> 00:34:26,099
it generates stalking behaviors and
783
00:34:26,099 --> 00:34:27,599
virulent hatred

784
00:34:27,599 --> 00:34:30,179
and a wish to destroy the frustrating

785
00:34:30,179 --> 00:34:32,580
object The Narcissist these women

786
00:34:32,580 --> 00:34:35,339
mobilize an attempt literally

787
00:34:35,339 --> 00:34:38,099
to ruin the narcissist

788
00:34:38,099 --> 00:34:39,599
get him

789
00:34:39,599 --> 00:34:41,040
you know

790
00:34:41,040 --> 00:34:44,219
punishing somehow

791
00:34:44,219 --> 00:34:46,020
but

792
00:34:46,020 --> 00:34:48,379
once these women cheat

793
00:34:48,379 --> 00:34:51,719
The Narcissist behest

794
00:34:51,719 --> 00:34:55,800
if he succeeds to force them to cheat

795
00:34:55,800 --> 00:34:58,920
they are disadvantaged

796
00:34:58,920 --> 00:35:01,920
whenever

797
00:35:01,920 --> 00:35:04,800
whenever they even contemplate

798
00:35:04,800 --> 00:35:07,380
approaching the narcissist he can point

799
00:35:07,380 --> 00:35:08,820
to the cheating

800
00:35:08,820 --> 00:35:11,760
he can emotionally blackmail them he can

801
00:35:11,760 --> 00:35:14,940
silence their vocal complaints he can

802
00:35:14,940 --> 00:35:17,880
get rid of him for good he can say it's

803
00:35:17,880 --> 00:35:20,460
only your fault you cheated you

804
00:35:20,460 --> 00:35:23,579
shouldn't have why did you do that now

805
00:35:23,579 --> 00:35:27,060
it's all over now it's a point of no

806
00:35:27,060 --> 00:35:28,200
return

807
00:35:28,200 --> 00:35:30,599
now I owe you nothing

808
00:35:30,599 --> 00:35:32,220
and

809
00:35:32,220 --> 00:35:35,720
the intimate the former intimate partner

810
00:35:35,720 --> 00:35:37,380
accepts it

811
00:35:37,380 --> 00:35:39,720
because cheating is wrong never mind the

812
00:35:39,720 --> 00:35:40,800
circumstances

813
00:35:40,800 --> 00:35:43,079
cheating is always wrong end of story

814
00:35:43,079 --> 00:35:45,720
period another period and another end of

815
00:35:45,720 --> 00:35:47,400
story there's no justification for

816
00:35:47,400 --> 00:35:51,000
cheating none whatsoever

817
00:35:51,000 --> 00:35:53,180
so once you have cheated

818
00:35:53,180 --> 00:35:55,680
once you've cheated you're morally

819
00:35:55,680 --> 00:35:57,359
compromised you're not in the position

820
00:35:57,359 --> 00:36:00,060
to make them out you're not in the in in

821
00:36:00,060 --> 00:36:02,579
the position to to require the

822
00:36:02,579 --> 00:36:04,619
Fulfillment of promises however broken

823
00:36:04,619 --> 00:36:07,079
they may be you are not you cannot

824
00:36:07,079 --> 00:36:09,000
complain

825
00:36:09,000 --> 00:36:10,800
so

826
00:36:10,800 --> 00:36:13,619
the cheating puts a Chinese wall a
827
00:36:13,619 --> 00:36:15,300
firewall between the narcissist and his

828
00:36:15,300 --> 00:36:17,579
former partners protects him it's a

829
00:36:17,579 --> 00:36:19,500
defense

830
00:36:19,500 --> 00:36:22,740
so this is not about mazukism

831
00:36:22,740 --> 00:36:25,740
it is just the effective dissolution of

832
00:36:25,740 --> 00:36:27,720
the shed fantasy

833
00:36:27,720 --> 00:36:30,000
to effectively dissolve the shared

834
00:36:30,000 --> 00:36:31,460
fantasy

835
00:36:31,460 --> 00:36:35,760
you need to force your intimate partner

836
00:36:35,760 --> 00:36:37,260
to cheat

837
00:36:37,260 --> 00:36:39,960
and this requires

838
00:36:39,960 --> 00:36:43,140
the endurance of a narcissistic injury

839
00:36:43,140 --> 00:36:45,960
or narcissistic modification because

840
00:36:45,960 --> 00:36:48,000
everyone perceives you

841
00:36:48,000 --> 00:36:50,720
is a cuckold
842
00:36:50,720 --> 00:36:53,280
the effective dissolution of the shared

843
00:36:53,280 --> 00:36:55,680
fantasy requires narcissistic injury or

844
00:36:55,680 --> 00:37:00,300
modification by posing as a cuckolded

845
00:37:00,300 --> 00:37:04,140
partner in full view of everyone that's

846
00:37:04,140 --> 00:37:07,020
the cost of dissolving the shared

847
00:37:07,020 --> 00:37:11,579
fantasy permanently and irreversibly

848
00:37:11,579 --> 00:37:14,700
it's like the narcissist is faced with

849
00:37:14,700 --> 00:37:18,859
two unpalatable choices

850
00:37:19,320 --> 00:37:22,079
break up with your intimate partner the

851
00:37:22,079 --> 00:37:24,180
way normal people do

852
00:37:24,180 --> 00:37:26,280
you can do that

853
00:37:26,280 --> 00:37:28,680
but because the partner has been

854
00:37:28,680 --> 00:37:32,579
enmeshed in a shared fantasy she's not

855
00:37:32,579 --> 00:37:34,500
likely to take to eat kindly she's

856
00:37:34,500 --> 00:37:37,920
likely to become a stalker a hater

857
00:37:37,920 --> 00:37:40,560
and an underminer of the narcissist's

858
00:37:40,560 --> 00:37:41,339
life

859
00:37:41,339 --> 00:37:44,040
for years to come

860
00:37:44,040 --> 00:37:46,560
so that's one option not very appetizing

861
00:37:46,560 --> 00:37:49,980
you must admit the other option is push

862
00:37:49,980 --> 00:37:51,240
her to cheat

863
00:37:51,240 --> 00:37:53,880
force her to cheat engineer the

864
00:37:53,880 --> 00:37:56,220
situations which will be irresistible to

865
00:37:56,220 --> 00:38:00,119
her she will fall into temptation

866
00:38:00,119 --> 00:38:03,780
and then once she has succumbed

867
00:38:03,780 --> 00:38:05,880
once she has cheated

868
00:38:05,880 --> 00:38:08,040
you can dissolve the shared fantasy with

869
00:38:08,040 --> 00:38:09,300
impunity

870
00:38:09,300 --> 00:38:10,859
and safety

871
00:38:10,859 --> 00:38:14,220
because she will have no claim on you

872
00:38:14,220 --> 00:38:18,300
or on the discarded fantasy and dream

873
00:38:18,300 --> 00:38:20,400
she has wronged you

874
00:38:20,400 --> 00:38:22,740
as a narcissist

875
00:38:22,740 --> 00:38:24,660
and so the narcissist can say to himself

876
00:38:24,660 --> 00:38:28,619
shim is behaved it's all her fault and

877
00:38:28,619 --> 00:38:31,680
she says to herself I misbehaved it's

878
00:38:31,680 --> 00:38:33,780
all my fault they're on the same page

879
00:38:33,780 --> 00:38:35,700
way to go

880
00:38:35,700 --> 00:38:37,619
it's not about masochism

881
00:38:37,619 --> 00:38:41,040
it's not it's not about cuckoldry it's

882
00:38:41,040 --> 00:38:41,880
not

883
00:38:41,880 --> 00:38:44,339
it's simply the only way open to the

884
00:38:44,339 --> 00:38:47,820
narcissist to dissolve a shared fantasy

885
00:38:47,820 --> 00:38:51,119
in the long run this posture
886
00:38:51,119 --> 00:38:53,820
benefits the narcissist because he

887
00:38:53,820 --> 00:38:56,280
retains the high moral ground

888
00:38:56,280 --> 00:38:58,800
he can pose as a victim

889
00:38:58,800 --> 00:39:01,740
even as it devalues and discards his

890
00:39:01,740 --> 00:39:05,940
Partners carelessly and cruelly he can

891
00:39:05,940 --> 00:39:08,339
still point to the cheating incident and

892
00:39:08,339 --> 00:39:11,579
say yeah I may have been cruel yeah I

893
00:39:11,579 --> 00:39:13,619
may have been ruthless yeah I may have

894
00:39:13,619 --> 00:39:15,900
been callous yeah I may have been

895
00:39:15,900 --> 00:39:18,599
abusive but she had it coming she

896
00:39:18,599 --> 00:39:20,940
deserved it she cheated on me and you

897
00:39:20,940 --> 00:39:24,000
know what 90 of people will nod the

898
00:39:24,000 --> 00:39:27,260
heads in Ascent they will agree

899
00:39:27,260 --> 00:39:30,119
cheaters deserve the worst

900
00:39:30,119 --> 00:39:33,420
so the short-term cost
901
00:39:33,420 --> 00:39:36,000
the short-term cost of narcissistic

902
00:39:36,000 --> 00:39:37,920
injury and even life-threatening

903
00:39:37,920 --> 00:39:40,440
narcissistic modification the short-term

904
00:39:40,440 --> 00:39:41,220
cost

905
00:39:41,220 --> 00:39:43,619
is way outweighed

906
00:39:43,619 --> 00:39:46,500
by the long-term benefits of a

907
00:39:46,500 --> 00:39:49,440
victimhood narrative

908
00:39:49,440 --> 00:39:51,900
now I promised you that

909
00:39:51,900 --> 00:39:54,839
I will apply it to other areas of life

910
00:39:54,839 --> 00:39:57,480
of the narcissist I chose an example of

911
00:39:57,480 --> 00:39:59,820
cheating the example of cheating

912
00:39:59,820 --> 00:40:02,640
form of betrayal but everything I've

913
00:40:02,640 --> 00:40:03,540
just said

914
00:40:03,540 --> 00:40:06,839
applies to other forms of betrayal

915
00:40:06,839 --> 00:40:09,900
The Narcissist uses a variant of this

916
00:40:09,900 --> 00:40:13,079
strategy in all intimate settings for

917
00:40:13,079 --> 00:40:15,480
example in friendships in all

918
00:40:15,480 --> 00:40:17,880
interpersonal relations for example with

919
00:40:17,880 --> 00:40:20,400
colleagues or collaborators

920
00:40:20,400 --> 00:40:22,440
once the narcissist dims someone

921
00:40:22,440 --> 00:40:24,240
undesirable

922
00:40:24,240 --> 00:40:26,099
for example The Narcissist thinks that

923
00:40:26,099 --> 00:40:28,800
he has been mistreated somehow

924
00:40:28,800 --> 00:40:30,720
or the narcissist thinks that the

925
00:40:30,720 --> 00:40:33,119
usefulness of someone is over it's

926
00:40:33,119 --> 00:40:35,760
become a burden once analysis decides

927
00:40:35,760 --> 00:40:37,740
that someone is undesirable

928
00:40:37,740 --> 00:40:41,400
The Narcissist entraps them it creates a

929
00:40:41,400 --> 00:40:42,480
trap

930
00:40:42,480 --> 00:40:45,660
it create he introduces irresistible

931
00:40:45,660 --> 00:40:47,040
temptation

932
00:40:47,040 --> 00:40:49,740
in Hebrew we say you shall not put an

933
00:40:49,740 --> 00:40:52,859
obstacle ahead of a blind man

934
00:40:52,859 --> 00:40:55,220
before

935
00:40:56,339 --> 00:40:59,040
so this is what the narcissist does

936
00:40:59,040 --> 00:41:01,859
he spots the vulnerability of the person

937
00:41:01,859 --> 00:41:03,900
he wants to get rid of

938
00:41:03,900 --> 00:41:05,520
and then

939
00:41:05,520 --> 00:41:06,800
he

940
00:41:06,800 --> 00:41:10,440
interposes he presents an irresistible

941
00:41:10,440 --> 00:41:12,240
temptation

942
00:41:12,240 --> 00:41:15,119
he entraps the person

943
00:41:15,119 --> 00:41:17,460
and so then the person fails having

944
00:41:17,460 --> 00:41:19,680
succumbed to the Temptation and the
945
00:41:19,680 --> 00:41:22,500
narcissist can say you know you see what

946
00:41:22,500 --> 00:41:25,020
he's done you see what he's done

947
00:41:25,020 --> 00:41:29,339
no way I have I'm in the right I'm on

948
00:41:29,339 --> 00:41:32,700
the high moral ground I was the victim

949
00:41:32,700 --> 00:41:36,720
so analysis is applies this strategy in

950
00:41:36,720 --> 00:41:38,700
all his relationships

951
00:41:38,700 --> 00:41:41,040
he Engineers situations

952
00:41:41,040 --> 00:41:44,520
which set people up for failure people

953
00:41:44,520 --> 00:41:47,040
he wants to get rid of he sets them up

954
00:41:47,040 --> 00:41:48,300
for failure

955
00:41:48,300 --> 00:41:51,119
and then they fail inevitably because he

956
00:41:51,119 --> 00:41:53,220
knows exactly which buttons to push

957
00:41:53,220 --> 00:41:55,200
they fail inevitably

958
00:41:55,200 --> 00:41:56,520
and

959
00:41:56,520 --> 00:41:57,780
the gun
960
00:41:57,780 --> 00:42:00,300
their history

961
00:42:00,300 --> 00:42:03,920
he causes people to betray him

962
00:42:03,920 --> 00:42:07,500
ostentatiously in full View

963
00:42:07,500 --> 00:42:11,760
so that they have no refuge or sanctuary

964
00:42:11,760 --> 00:42:14,460
they cannot even explain themselves they

965
00:42:14,460 --> 00:42:16,560
simply acted wrongly

966
00:42:16,560 --> 00:42:19,260
what can they say I didn't have free

967
00:42:19,260 --> 00:42:20,099
will

968
00:42:20,099 --> 00:42:23,700
I was hypnotized I was in a trance

969
00:42:23,700 --> 00:42:25,680
the narcissist is a puppet master and

970
00:42:25,680 --> 00:42:28,079
I'm his puppet

971
00:42:28,079 --> 00:42:30,780
the misbehavior is spectacular

972
00:42:30,780 --> 00:42:34,680
it's conspicuous it's ostentatious

973
00:42:34,680 --> 00:42:37,800
there's nothing that there's nothing

974
00:42:37,800 --> 00:42:39,720
that can be said in the defense of such

975
00:42:39,720 --> 00:42:41,040
misconduct

976
00:42:41,040 --> 00:42:45,420
so the narcissist engineer situations

977
00:42:45,420 --> 00:42:47,940
to get rid of people

978
00:42:47,940 --> 00:42:49,320
bye

979
00:42:49,320 --> 00:42:51,599
pushing them to behave

980
00:42:51,599 --> 00:42:55,500
in immoral ways against the rules of

981
00:42:55,500 --> 00:42:58,680
society against the mores of society

982
00:42:58,680 --> 00:43:01,980
it pushes them to become anti-social

983
00:43:01,980 --> 00:43:05,700
it pushes them to ignore codes like

984
00:43:05,700 --> 00:43:08,460
you should not poach the mate of your

985
00:43:08,460 --> 00:43:10,020
friend

986
00:43:10,020 --> 00:43:13,140
he pushes them to steal

987
00:43:13,140 --> 00:43:14,700
he pushes them

988
00:43:14,700 --> 00:43:18,420
to do things which are egotistonic cause

989
00:43:18,420 --> 00:43:20,339
them a lot of distress afterwards a lot

990
00:43:20,339 --> 00:43:22,740
of Shame and a lot of guilt

991
00:43:22,740 --> 00:43:25,740
cause them to doubt themselves

992
00:43:25,740 --> 00:43:28,980
and then he can point at their behavior

993
00:43:28,980 --> 00:43:31,319
that's the reason that's the reason I

994
00:43:31,319 --> 00:43:33,420
broke up with her she cheated on me

995
00:43:33,420 --> 00:43:36,060
that's the reason I broke up with him he

996
00:43:36,060 --> 00:43:39,240
poached my girlfriend

997
00:43:39,240 --> 00:43:40,440
yeah

998
00:43:40,440 --> 00:43:42,300
but who made it happen

999
00:43:42,300 --> 00:43:45,000
and for which purpose

1000
00:43:45,000 --> 00:43:47,700
The Narcissist accomplishes all this

1001
00:43:47,700 --> 00:43:49,819
by playing on the weaknesses

1002
00:43:49,819 --> 00:43:52,020
invulnerabilities of people he wants to

1003
00:43:52,020 --> 00:43:53,520
get rid of
1004
00:43:53,520 --> 00:43:55,079
and then

1005
00:43:55,079 --> 00:43:58,079
he gets modified or narcissistically

1006
00:43:58,079 --> 00:43:59,160
injured

1007
00:43:59,160 --> 00:44:01,859
he becomes morally indignant and

1008
00:44:01,859 --> 00:44:03,480
righteous

1009
00:44:03,480 --> 00:44:05,460
because he feels that he had been

1010
00:44:05,460 --> 00:44:07,619
compelled to get rid of there's always a

1011
00:44:07,619 --> 00:44:10,140
good reason why to get rid of him

1012
00:44:10,140 --> 00:44:11,700
but he feels that have been he had been

1013
00:44:11,700 --> 00:44:14,460
compelled it wasn't his choice and the

1014
00:44:14,460 --> 00:44:16,440
narcissistic injury and the pain of the

1015
00:44:16,440 --> 00:44:18,000
modification and the life-threatening

1016
00:44:18,000 --> 00:44:19,740
suicidality

1017
00:44:19,740 --> 00:44:22,200
they're all an inevitable cost of doing

1018
00:44:22,200 --> 00:44:23,160
business
1019
00:44:23,160 --> 00:44:25,980
it's the only way the narcissist can get

1020
00:44:25,980 --> 00:44:29,099
rid of people in his life because he en

1021
00:44:29,099 --> 00:44:31,740
measures everyone in a shared fantasy

1022
00:44:31,740 --> 00:44:34,680
even in business even in friendships

1023
00:44:34,680 --> 00:44:36,839
even in in marriages even with

1024
00:44:36,839 --> 00:44:39,599
girlfriends even on dates The Narcissist

1025
00:44:39,599 --> 00:44:41,819
creates impromptu

1026
00:44:41,819 --> 00:44:44,640
shared fantasy light

1027
00:44:44,640 --> 00:44:47,160
and so the only way to exit the shared

1028
00:44:47,160 --> 00:44:49,140
fantasy is if the other guy or the other

1029
00:44:49,140 --> 00:44:50,760
girl misbehave

1030
00:44:50,760 --> 00:44:54,000
if they do something so horrible

1031
00:44:54,000 --> 00:44:55,920
that they have no claim

1032
00:44:55,920 --> 00:44:58,619
on the narcissist anymore

1033
00:44:58,619 --> 00:45:01,319
they can't ask to return to the shared

1034
00:45:01,319 --> 00:45:02,460
fantasy

1035
00:45:02,460 --> 00:45:04,500
the gates of Eden

1036
00:45:04,500 --> 00:45:07,260
closed and there is an angel

1037
00:45:07,260 --> 00:45:10,260
with the Turning Sword of Fire

1038
00:45:10,260 --> 00:45:14,280
the fire of entrapped entrapment

1039
00:45:14,280 --> 00:45:15,780
the fire

1040
00:45:15,780 --> 00:45:17,940
of entraining

1041
00:45:17,940 --> 00:45:20,940
the fire of brainwashing

1042
00:45:20,940 --> 00:45:23,099
people often describe this experience as

1043
00:45:23,099 --> 00:45:26,040
having lost your their minds as having

1044
00:45:26,040 --> 00:45:28,740
been zombified as having been in a State

1045
00:45:28,740 --> 00:45:31,260
of Trance as having dissociated

1046
00:45:31,260 --> 00:45:32,940
massively

1047
00:45:32,940 --> 00:45:36,359
The Narcissist enters their minds and

1048
00:45:36,359 --> 00:45:40,020
makes them do things which defy their

1049
00:45:40,020 --> 00:45:43,380
own beliefs about themselves

1050
00:45:43,380 --> 00:45:46,260
thank you for listening I hope I have an

1051
00:45:46,260 --> 00:45:49,760
untrained you too much