Wellbeing in Unexpected Change

LYNNE WALLEY, LESLEY SAGE
WELLBEING IN
UNEXPECTED CHANGE
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Wellbeing in Unexpected Change
1st edition
© 2020 Lynne Walley, Lesley Sage & bookboon.com
ISBN 978-87-403-3422-7
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BOOK TITLE Contents
CONTENTS
About the Authors 5
Introduction 7
1 My Wellbeing 9
1.1 Self care 9
1.2 State of mind 11
1.3 Mindfulness 14
2 Listening to and Challenging Myself 19

2.1 Noting your thoughts 19
2.2 ‘Who’ is the ‘Myself’ I am listening to? 19
2.3 Neurophysiology 20
2.4 Positivist or Phenomenological approaches to listening to,
getting to know and challenging myself 24
2.5 Metaphor and Clean Language 25
2.6 Your ‘Stone of Life’ 26
2.7 Challenging myself 27
3 My Connections 31
3.1 Human Connections 31
3.2 Suggested activity 33
3.3 Team Connectedness 34
3.4 Communication 36
3.5 Social media 38
4 My Positive Psychology 42
4.1 Staying positive! 42
4.2 Focus on self 45
4.3 Resilience 47
5 Change and Transition 50

5.1 Change – where am I? 50
5.2 Human factors in complex situations 52
5.3 Complexity and uncertainty avoidance 54
5.4 New reality 55
5.5 And finally….. 57
Bibliography 60
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BOOK TITLE About the Authors
ABOUT THE AUTHORS
Lesley Sage
Lesley worked for over thirty years in learning and development for both individuals and
companies in the UK commercial sector, with the focus on the fast moving sector of fresh
food to the major retailers.
Building on a BSc in Geology, followed by qualifying, and working, as a Scientific Librarian

in research and industry, she moved into learning and development for companies local
to home. She progressed to being General Manager of a Graduate Development company
owned by suppliers of fresh food to the major retailers, during which time she gained
a Postgraduate Diploma in Business Management from the Open University. Becoming
self employed in 2003, allowed her to focus on her primary love of coaching to support
planned organisational development; she gained an MA in Coaching and Mentoring at
Wolverhampton Business School in 2007.
Her coaching style has always been person-centred and based on an eclectic use of evidence-
based practice including drawing from courses on Transpersonal Coaching, Emotional
Intelliegence and Neurophysiology for Coaches.
Her voluntary work had included the Independent Monitoring Board at one of England’s
eight high security prisons and more recently as a Trustee for Ovacome, the ovarian cancer
support charity and as a Patient Representative for Cancer Research UK-University College
London Cancer Trials Centre.
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BOOK TITLE About the Authors
Lynne Walley
Lynne is a qualified Executive Business Coach, Psychometric Administrator and author

with over twenty years experience gained within the Higher Education sector, where she
designed, developed and delivered corporate leadership programmes to public and private
sector bodies.
Since becoming self employed in 2012, she has worked with the Metropolitan Police Service
and several midlands based police services, a number of local authorities, the NHS Leadership
Academy and a range of Clinical Commissioning Groups and the Church of England, Derby
Diocese, principally in the role of executive coach and leadership development facilitator.
She is skilled at assessing business needs and designing bespoke courses, whether accredited
or non- accredited, to achieve clients’ business goals and ensure return on investment.
She holds an LLB(Hons) and an MA in Criminology and is British Psychological Society

trained at Level A & B. She also is a Myers Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI) Practitioner, a 16pf
administrator and a member of the European Mentoring and Coaching Council (EMCC).
Her coaching style is person-centred and takes a strengths-based approach with coachees.
She uses a positive psychological approach to coaching aimed at behavioural and cognitive
changes in personal development.
Her facilitation strengths lie in engaging leaders with people focused topics e.g. personality
traits, coaching skills, leadership styles, change and transition. She is also particularly
interested in ethics and value driven behaviours and how they impact on the workplace.
With a long history of volunteering Lynne is presently working as the PCC secretary and
Food Bank co-ordinator at St Helens Church. Etwall and as a Street Pastor with the Ascension
Trust and Derby City Mission having previously worked as a Nightshelter volunteer.
www.coachingand.co.ukLinkedIn
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BOOK TITLE Introduction
INTRODUCTION
“The secret of change is to focus all of your energy, not on
fighting the old, but on building the new.”
Socrates (Greek philosopher 470 -399 BC)
This book is aimed at:
• YOU! That is anyone experiencing change in their lives; it could be sudden and
unexpected, in the workplace or in a personal capacity. It could be loss of a job, a
restructure, a diagnosis, a pandemic
• Those looking for theories, knowledge and processes help them as they go through
changes setting out possible solutions and a ‘route map’ to the new normal –
whatever that looks like.
• Generating trust and confidence in how you personally respond to unexpected change
and aims to help you support those around.
It is not designed as an alternative to professional counselling
No human being will live life without, at some point, experiencing the unexpected.
Many different happenings in life bring unexpected change, which is often hand-in-hand
with it being unwanted, definitely unplanned and can be life-changing. Although this book
has not been written with unexpected change due to life-threatening situations, the authors
are appreciative of this through personal experience and so many of the perspectives shared
here are relevant too. Whatever the trigger for your life changing, you will have very little
idea of where or when this change will end. You cannot visualise the ‘new normal’ awaiting
you; you just know what has been ‘normal’ is no longer.
The content, in five chapters, is summarised by the model created by the authors with
the detail drawn from established research. Much of the content has been found by both
authors as useful in their own lives as well as over their many years of coaching practice
in both private, public and third sector organisations. It has common themes such as self
care, focussing on self and building resilience as well as explaining brain chemistry relevant
to your emotions.
Included are links to websites giving additional information, We have included several
suggested activities for you to try. Of the suggested activities, the final one in Chapter 5, is
intended to take your thinking into key areas which will enable you to sustain your Wellbeing
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BOOK TITLE Introduction
whilst coping with unexpected, unplanned and most probably unwanted change. If you
only undertake one of our ‘suggested activities’ please make it this one as its purpose is to
support you to arrive at a ‘new normal’ which you can truly celebrate as authentically ‘you’.
This book was being worked on before the 2020 coronavirus pandemic disrupted ‘normal’
for the whole world. Its impact has certainly precipitated the ending of many loved parts
of life for the millions of us surviving the virus so far. Individuals in nations, regions, and
the whole world will be absorbed in transitions for years, journeying to a ‘new normal’ of
which, currently, has no clarity or shape. For each of us reading this book our self- awareness
and self-responsibility are as critical as ever and the principles we share we sincerely hope
will seem both pertinent and practically useful. Safe journey.
Chapter 5 Chapter 2
Change & Transition Listening to and challenging myself
Self assessment - Bridges Transition Model– Noting thoughts – Neurophysiology –
Principle of uncertainty avoidance/Hofstede– SCARF Drawn towards and walking away –
Human factor in complex situations – New Listening Metaphor – Challenging myself -
normal - Journals, notes, pictures and drawings -
Personality types
Chapter 1
My Wellbeing– Self care –
States of Mind –Appreciative
inquiry Mindfulness –
Celebrate – Cherish –Accep-
tance – Self coaching
Chapter 4 Chapter 3
My Positive Psychology My connections
Staying positive – Focus on self – diet – Human connections – Team connectedness –
exercise – rest – Resilience - Psychological Communication & Authentic conversations –
responses to change Use of social media
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BOOK TITLE My Wellbeing
1 MY WELLBEING
“Just living isn’t enough” said the butterfly, “one must have
sunshine, freedom and a little flower”
Hans Christian Anderson
1.1 SELF CARE

A great deal is written about or discussed on ‘Wellbeing’, so the definition we are using
in this book is adopted from Atul Gwande, a surgeon, writer and public health researcher
living and working in the US,
‘Wellbeing’ is sustaining our own reasons to live, especially the connections we build
and the purpose we put into each day. Atul Gawande (2014) BBC Reith Lectures.
He also offers how, he sees, wellbeing sits with healthcare and medical care, which is just
as relevant when working out how to prioritise your energy at times of change.
Healthcare is focused on maintenance or improvement of health through prevention of

illness, injury and disease and for most of us, our first experience of caring for our health is
from our mothers or primary carer when young. We suggest a less clinical way is thinking
about ‘Growing healthy cells’ which encompasses actions you choose to take to integrate
self-help and guidance from professional advice. For the writers of this book, healthcare
encompasses the type and patterns of physical activities we choose to put into our lives,
the food we enjoy nourishing our bodies with …and those tempting treats….plus what we
select as ‘Me Time’ (or Rest-time) activities. Simply, the food you eat, the physical exertion
you give your body and the quality of the rest you build into your daily/weekly/monthly
patterns are the three most basic necessities to ‘Growing Healthy Cells’.
Medical care is only part of caring for our health and wellbeing; it is that part for which
we rely on professional and well qualified help – i.e. the only part which needs to be from
outside ourselves.
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1.1.1 SUGGESTED ACTIVITY
1. Consider the definition of Wellbeing we share above. Now, draft out your
thoughts around sustaining your own reasons to live, especially the connections
you build, have built in the past, or hope to build in the future. Reflect also
on what have you done, what are you doing through this time of turmoil and
what you think will be helpful to put purpose into each day.
2. You may like to try, as an extra or instead of the above suggestion, answering
the following questions:-
• What is associated with your happiest times?
• Times when you were proud of yourself.
• Times when most fulfilled and satisfied?
• Based on these experiences of happiness, pride and fulfilment, what values do you
notice?
• Then try to prioritise down to a few, say five or six.
This process, courtesy of Mindtools.com, of exploring your values can be accessed on this
link lasting just over 2minutes.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Kz__qGJmTMY
An important ingredient in our state of Wellbeing is the ‘mood’ in which we find ourselves
as we wake, do certain tasks around the home, our activities, hobbies, working, talking with
family, colleagues, friends and how this relates to, but is different from, ‘state of mind’.
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1.2 STATE OF MIND

The Cambridge Dictionary definition of ‘State of Mind’ is “A person’s mood and the effect
that mood has on the person’s thinking and behaviour.”
Research into how our brains work, the field of Neurophysiology, is beginning to demonstrate
the complexity involved in our moods. Simply, areas in our brains are triggered by situations
in the environment around us; those early men and women who survived did so because
their brains began to recognise sights, sounds, smells, which triggered emotions of ‘Fight,
Freeze, Flight’, and the appropriate behaviours to give themselves a ‘reward’ and so go onto
live another day. When humankind moved to live in communities, different environmental
factors influenced our emotions, feelings and behaviours which became recognised and
accepted within these community groups as their ‘community norm’. These become embedded
to be part of our social identity within those groups we value or feel reliant upon. From
repetition of feelings, moods and behaviours can become persistent and pervasive, some of
which can be experienced as positive and some as negative.
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In this book we invite you to think of ‘mood’ as having a degree of uncontrollability, almost
your current ‘default setting’ within the life you have become accustomed to whereas a ‘state
of mind’ is something we can each construct to suit our needs. A simple way to summarise
how emotions, moods and states of mind relate is:
EMOTIONS → FEELINGS → STATE of MIND
Whatever emotions you recognise are aroused by this unwanted, unplanned and unexpected
change, they will most probably include at least one or a few of fear, anxiety, sadness, anger,
disgust; your brain can become consumed in this mix of feelings and we have to strive
(or ‘fight’) to accomplish ‘moments of stability’. The ease of becoming ‘trapped’ within
negative moods or blinded by positive moods to the ingredients in this new reality, is very
real; in neurophysiological terms, your brain’s default mechanism is always back to either
the bad, the negative, the modern equivalent of Fight – Freeze – Flight, or the denial of
reality, of over-optimism. Our aim with this book is to help you harness both these ends
of the spectrum, whether they ‘swing violently’, become entrenched or difficult to shift and
go on to support you to work through the processes which best ensure you find your own
balance for your next phase of life; not a just ‘quick fix’, although this can be really helpful
in retaining some stability while you work at the slower transition process, e.g. a job you
would not, in the ‘old normal times’, have considered but it pays the bills now.
From a range of people in your life you will listen to their comments, each driven by their
own perspective of their previous experience of you, their own personal private experiences
in situations or simply thinking they are ‘cheering you up.’ “You are a really strong person,
you’ll be ok.” or “You can tough this out, I’m sure.” etc. etc.
This is the time to practice, daily when necessary, being kind and compassionate to yourself
in a non-judgemental way as you gently work your way through your raw emotions to
the feelings that make sense to you and how these contribute to the mood you are now
experiencing. So, what is kindness, compassion and non-judgemental appreciation?
Kindness is usually associated with the act of trying to help others in need when they are
in a difficult situation. Compassion is the ability to feel for someone or to have the same
feeling as that of someone else; it is generally accepted as a very positive emotion that
has to do with being thoughtful and decent, of being ‘able to put yourself in someone
else’s shoes’. Both kindness and compassion are generally us giving to others. At times of
unplanned, unexpected and very unwanted change, whatever that may be, we need to learn
to be kind to and compassionate towards ourselves as well as being aware of those on whom
our resulting emotions and behaviour impact. But, it is very important not to put others
before yourself; you cannot help others if you are not sure of how to help yourself, just as
you cannot manage others at work if you aren’t conscious of managing yourself.
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Non-judgemental appreciation is often far less understood, so we invite you to notice the
difference when you make a ‘Judgement’ as opposed to ‘appreciating’. To listen non-judgmentally
is a skill in its own right; it relies on ‘Acceptance’, ‘genuineness’ and ‘appreciation’ of how
your world, or that other person’s world may be – right now.
Appreciate is defined as valuing; the act of recognizing the best in people or the world
around us, of affirming past and present strengths, successes, and potentials. It implies a
‘whole understanding’ of those things that give vitality to living systems. This definition
does not state that we, ourselves, are worth valuing, worth recognising what is best in us,
but for sustaining Wellbeing during crisis and then transition times, it is really important
to include ‘self appreciation’ with honesty.
Non-judgemental is about becoming an observer of life and not to decide whether a behaviour
or expression is right or wrong. ‘Right’ and ‘Wrong’ judgements may have resulted from
community values but we are asking you to suspend judgement for now, just notice the detail.
For nourishing and sustaining your Wellbeing, kindness, compassion and non-judgemental
appreciation of yourself in your new circumstances is absolutely at the core. Reflection, not
action, is needed, although action within these ‘states of mind’ which are helpful are either
making notes, drawing something which captures your appreciation of your mood, taking
a photo or browsing through pictures; if these pictures can be cut out, then please do and
put together to make into a collage to which we invite you to add the date.
Before we conclude this brief coverage of ‘taking stock’, of ‘putting yourself at the centre’
and respecting your Wellbeing, there are two more concepts or approaches we, and many
of our clients, have found really useful. These are Appreciative Inquiry and Mindfulness.
As an introduction to Appreciative Inquiry, let’s start with a definition of ‘Inquiry’, just as

we offered one of Appreciation.
Inquiry is the act of exploration and discovery; asking questions and being open to seeing
new potentials and possibilities and, in some uses of the term, involves systematic exploration
and study.
‘Appreciative Inquiry’ is a well established organisational model in business development

but because it is not a ‘process’ but a philosophy there are many aspects that are useful for
individual thinking and actions.
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A video cartoon clip of just under 4 minutes long gives you a break from reading https://
appreciativeinquiry.champlain.edu/learn/appreciative-inquiry-introduction/ and by shifting
the principles from ‘the organisation’ to ‘the people around me/in my life’ and ‘my own
strengths and positive attributes’, you are embedding another valuable approach to coach
yourself through this crisis.
Having heightened your ‘awareness’ of the simple and key ingredients for your Wellbeing,
this needs to be accompanied by ‘acceptance’ from which you can take ‘Self Responsibility’
in order to maximise the benefits this focus on ‘reflection’ has produced.
So, reflection as part of raising awareness followed by acceptance and taking responsibility are
core activities to be practiced.
1.3 MINDFULNESS
Mindfulness is a key tool for starting and embedding this reflection to responsibility journey.
Mindfulness and meditation have, over recent years, become well accepted in managing stress
and nourishing wellbeing, so you may already be integrating this practice into your life. This
period of uncertainty and heightened emotions will make this practice even more valuable.
However, if you haven’t considered Mindfulness, or thought about it but not related to the
practice, then we invite you to try again, maybe with a different App or course, whether
online or by attending sessions in your local area. Below, we suggest links which we, and
clients, have personally used and are using:-
1. Online, self-teaching courses are offered by organisations e.g. https://www.

bemindfulonline.com
This course is NHS Approved, at the time of finishing this book (May 2020) cost £30 and
there is an introductory video on the link above. There are others if you wish to search.
2. Books may include CDs or be available as a download, e.g. Mindfulness: A

practical guide to finding peace in a frantic world. by Mark Williams and Danny
Penman in 2011
3. The Oxford Mindfulness Centre runs Mindfulness-Based Cognitive Therapy
(MBCT) courses “suitable for people wishing to enhance their general physical
and mental wellbeing.” (http://oxfordmindfulness.org/about-us/courses/mbct-
courses/)
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4. Apps offering mindfulness guidance of various lengths e.g. four to fourteen

minutes, for many different situations in your days could suit your needs. The
App, Headspace (https://www.headspace.com/headspace-meditation-app ) offers
a mix of cartoons, guided practice on the fundamentals plus sections focused
on many of the happenings common to all human beings during their lives.
Some employers offer Headspace as a one year trial subscription for employees
experiencing stressful situations.
5. Join classes with others, exploring and experimenting with these will help you
decide its value to you. These are promoted locally.
The value of frequently practicing Mindfulness, whether this is as you go about daily tasks
or set aside time for yourself to quietly and privately to meditate, is widely acknowledged
as a tool to cultivate non-judgemental appreciation, kindness and compassion for yourself
and all aspects within your life.
A one minute mediation (taken from Mindfulness)
1. Sit erect in a straight backed chair, your back a little way from the chair and
your feet flat on the floor. Close your eyes or lower your gaze
2. Focus your attention on your breath as in flows in an out of your body. Stay in
touch and observe the breath, just the breath.
3. After a while your mind may wander; when you notice this gently bring
your attention back to your breath – this act of realising that your mind has
wandered will happen quite a lot – just bring your attention back to your
breath. It is central to your mindful meditation
4. Your mind will eventually become calm (or it may not) it takes time and
practice. You may get a sense of complete stillness, or you may not, just allow
it to be what it is.
5. After a minute open your eyes and take in your surrounding again.
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After mindfulness training in Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction (MBSR) some years ago
I wrote a log on the effects of mindfulness on me and, having revisited it recently, was
delighted to note my observations of “I notice that…..” “I feel that …..”, “I am aware
that….”, “I learnt that….”
Visit the following links for more information on mindfulness, it’s application and benefits
to adults and children. For children specifically see Sitting still like a frog: mindfulness for
kids Eline Snel.
www.franticworld.com
www.mindful.org
www.mindfulexperience.org
Finally, early caution as to the claims of Mindfulness, is now balanced with good scientific
evidence of the consequences on the brain function in areas of our Attentional Networks for
alerting, orientating ourselves and practising executive control as well as some neurotransmitter
and hormone releases which benefit our states of mind and also our ability to strive for
rewards and move away from habits which bring us distress.
Whether or not you choose to use mindfulness or deeper meditation as part of the techniques
to bring awareness of your current feelings, thoughts and behaviours to the fore in this
new situation, please do find some way of capturing your insights as you re-appraise and
appreciate yourself. We have included a few suggested activity exercises to aid your self-
coaching. And, always remember, reflect with kindness, compassion and non-judgemental
appreciation; this is very likely to fuel creativity, calmness and provide the foundations of
Wellbeing on which to work your way forward.
This section on Wellbeing has focused on yourself and we make no apology for this.
However, in tandem with ‘self ’ is ‘others’. Awareness of who, and what, you value in others
as well as yourself is vital to your Wellbeing; this is the “connections we build” part of the
definition proposed by Atul Gwande which started this chapter. Please consider the word
“Cherish” and explore definitions, writing and songs around this experience of really valuing
something, often because you feel emotionally connected to it. This can be an object, e.g.
your first bike, flat, car or a unique relationship, e.g. a special friend; often the memories are
very special and ‘cherished’. Cherish is about holding someone, or something, very dearly.
As you allow yourself to recall this experience of ‘cherishing’ notice the emotions and most
probably a physical warmth or presence.
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Finally, please find some way of noting, recording how your attention is shifting. Chapter
4, on positive thinking, will reinforce your choice; it is important to notice every bit of
improvement in what your body and mind achieves, noting or recording these trends ensures
you are building your own purposeful awareness. And, best of all, it also gives you lots of
opportunities to CELEBRATE!
RE-CAP: Wellbeing relies on YOU:-
• Sustaining your own reasons to live

• The quality of the Connections you choose to build
• The Purpose you put into each day.
Questions
1. Give three benefits possible by practising Mindfulness or mediation on a
frequent and regular basis :-
a. Improves my attention to detail in my life
b. Sounds impressive to my friends and family
c. Builds my appreciation of the challenges and joys in my days
d. Reduces stress, anxiety and a judgemental mindset
e. Helps me live with the consequences of my choices
2. As you coach yourself through this stage which two key perspectives will help
the most? Time taken to :-
a. Read all I can on change models and theories
b. Build and sustain my self awareness
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c. Listen to the opinions of others

d. Decide for myself what I will do and how I will go about it i.e. build by self
responsibility
3. What is missing from the model – Emotion – Feelings?

a. State of Mind
b. Behaviour
c. Moods
d. Choice of words
4. What are the three core ingredients of your Wellbeing?

a. Focus on your own happiness
b. Sustain you own reasons to live
c. Focus on the quality, not quantity, of the connections you make, whether these
connections are all your own choice or not
d. Keep yourself to yourself until you are ready to ‘meet the world’ again
e. Look to build some purpose into every day you have in your life.
Answers
1. a, c, d & e
2. b&d
3. a
4. b, c & e
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BOOK TITLE Listening to and Challenging Myself
2 LISTENING TO AND
CHALLENGING MYSELF
‘Don’t let the noise of others’ opinions drown out your
own inner voice”
Steve Jobs
2.1 NOTING YOUR THOUGHTS

We include this early because we want you to find some way of ‘keeping pace’ with any
thoughts which arise.
Choose your own ways of noting your journey whether this is writing a journal, selecting
pieces of, or maybe, composing music, writing poetry, drawing, doodling, taking photos,
making collages, recording your own ‘change log.’; whose purpose is to capture the emotions,
feelings and logic of your journey. Whether or not you ever read, look or listen to it again
is irrelevant as it the respect you show yourself that is important. We share a link to the
drawings of an architect, reported on the BBC news 13th May 2020 as to his drawings of
his “Lockdown Life’ in which he shares his sketch diaries of 20 – 25 years and feels, he
says, “sketching is like a time machine”.
https://www.bbc.com/news/uk-scotland-tayside-central-52631706
2.2 ‘WHO’ IS THE ‘MYSELF’ I AM LISTENING TO?

Who is ‘myself ’ who is iving within my body? How did I evolve to be what I am now? How
do I make changes which will respect who I feel I am? These, and many more questions
like this have been asked from the earliest philosophers, but in this brief book, we use
Neurophysiology as our base; we refer to the science, but at its simplest level. Fundamental
to who we each are is emotions from which our Feelings distil which in turn influence our
moods and states of mind. Emotions, in the eyes of some, have a bad reputation, but for
others they are crucial for personal and community fulfilment. The authors, as coaches,
fall into the latter group; emotions, how we ‘listen to’, respect and decide to use them, or
not in some choices, influence not only our decision making but also the quality of our
connections and the purpose we put into each day.
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To ensure we give ourselves the best chance of building a new normal with which we
will feel content and fulfilled, we must, at every stage, listen to ourselves. The challenge
is we are never ‘set in stone’ and the environment in which we live is also always shifting,
moving and sometimes changing dramatically. Being alert of ourselves and our world is
always important.
2.3 NEUROPHYSIOLOGY
Our brain has been evolving over for four million years, starting as the ‘core mammalian
brain’ whose job was to alert us to potential food, reproduction and danger, i.e. maximise
rewards and minimise the threats; hence the Flight – Freeze – Fight responses to the emotion
of Fear ensured we survived. Fear is joined by Anger, Disgust, Sadness and Shame as our
main ‘Survival Emotions’, whilst Trust and Love are classed as ‘Attachment Emotions’, with
the emotion of Surprise having the power to ‘spin us on a sixpence’/give us unexpected
insights/open up new directions of appreciation and thinking patterns. Maybe the scientific
explanation of the Biblical story of the ‘Conversion on the Road to Damascus’?
For the past few decades, the ability to ‘see’ and ‘measure’ the inside of human brain as it
goes about its daily tasks has developed from the early medical diagnostic techniques for
disease identification to real time data of healthy brains going about their work tasks and
relationships. Scientists and behavioural scientists have simplified what they are discovering
about how our brain monitors our environment for social experiences into an ‘model’ which
they present as S.C.A.R.F. intended to neatly summarise the five experiences which trigger
strong emotional responses to minimise threats and maximise rewards.
Status
Certainty
Autonomy
Relatedness
Fairness
Instead of reading an explanation, please view this short video; you will then be introduced
to the key researchers, namely David Rock and writers in this area.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qMejNf0dL2g
Whilst the data also indicates how hard it is to change, it suggests that it is possible to
turn what was an overwhelming threat into a manageable threat, enable ourselves to help
ourselves, and others, face a future in which there is potential threat and changes, give us
guidance on how we can regulate our own and other’s emotions and also maximise our
engagement and learning.
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Using what you have learned from the paragraphs above and the video, please make notes
in this ‘slow burn’, thoughtful activity, taking as long as you wish.
Please make notes of what you now recognise as your experiences, reactions and responses
to each of the S.C.A.R.F. ‘ingredients’. If you can pinpoint some physical reactions, e.g.
feeling slightly sick, elation etc. please add these in. Note the immediate emotional reactions,
how these inform your considered response and what sort of behaviours emanate from you.
The idea is to recognise, accept and appreciate the ‘reaction/emotional’ phase (or Mood)
and your considered ‘response’ (i.e. the State of Mind you adopt) and any effects on your
skin, tummy, tiredness, headaches etc.
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The social experience Immediate reactions, considered responses

and associated behaviours
STATUS – recognition, acknowledgment, job

titles, type of vehicle used, size of home etc. –
whatever gives you a feeling of ‘standing’ or
‘position’ in your family, community, workplace.
CERTAINTY – things/happenings which feel

reliable, routine, predictable.
- What happens when this is broken?
AUTONOMY – feelings of independence,

of ‘being your own boss’, making your own
choices.
RELATEDNESS – connections and whether

these generate positive or negative emotions
within you.
FAIRNESS – your sense of justice, of what is

acceptable and what is not. Your reactions
(emotions) when these are trampled on.
There are many areas of the brain involved in one experience, even if only milliseconds
in time. If you wish to know more of this, we recommend an author and international
speaker, Amy Brann as someone who very eloquently explains the details and complexities
to help you understand and appreciate how to maximise the awareness you develop about
your brain and its functioning; the link below is to her three books:-
http://amybrann.com/author/
We mention just three areas of the brain, the Amygdala, Basal Ganglia and Pre-frontal
Cortex for their contribution to ‘Listening to and Challenging myself ’.
The Amygdala constitutes a very large proportion of the brain’s cells or neurons as it was
that fundamental area in our basic mammalian brain where the emotions are triggered to
ensure we survived. It remains the primary structure in the brain which is activitated in
any new situation, whether a reward or threat is perceived. The roots of our Emotional
Intelligence (EI) are here.
22
The Basal Ganglia is the ‘Home of our Habits’, those strong routines we have chosen to
embed through our cognitive and emotional functioning across the years; your chosen ‘default
settings’. Recognising and accepting the detail of what you have put in place, reflecting on
how these choices of action and emotion rewarded or protected you, are all crucial before
you can help yourself to adapt existing and learn new patterns of behaviour and habits
which can be helpful to the current situation and as you continue to move forward. Two
chemicals worth mentioning are dopamine and serotonin which are very much part of the
functioning of the ‘Home of Habits’; these work together to influence our appetite, they
respond positively to exercise and are suppressed by alcohol.
The pre-frontal cortex is the ‘Conductor’ or ‘Chief Executive Officer (C.E.O.)’ of the
brain. In size terms only, in comparison with the volume of neurons within the amygdala
(the home of our emotions), our pre-frontal cortex is far less impressive, but has evolved
to be very powerful as it is here that our ability to plan, aligning actions, moderating our
behaviours, expressing our personality and making decisions all happens. Hence, while
you may think you make logical, calm, cool-headed and unemotional decisions, do not be
fooled, the emotions from the giant Amygdala will always have their sway.
You may have heard of chemicals called neurotransmitters and hormones which, alongside
the anatomical structures in your brain like the amygdala, cerebral cortex etc. etc., play a
huge role in the functioning of the brain and body, the moods you experience and your
feelings of Wellbeing or not. The two chemicals which are particularly relevant to your
Wellbeing through unwanted change are oxytocin and cortisol. Cortisol is nature’s built-in
alarm system or ‘the stress hormone’; valuable for triggering the Flight – Freeze – Fight
reaction but when it becomes overworked and too much is secreted the toll on your body
can bring about conditions like high blood pressure, skin changes, weight gain, mood
swings etc. In contrast, oxytocin is the hormone secreted when we feel loved, appreciated,
trusted and valued; this impacts positively on our emotional and social responses and can
reduce cortisol secretion and hence counter stress and anxiety. We mentioned serotonin as
working hand-in-hand with dopamine in our Basal Ganglia, but it also plays a useful role
in nourishing happiness. Focusing on negative experiences is matched by a decrease in the
excretion of serotonin, whereas recalling positive experiences, evaluating the detail of how
you detected errors, practicing ‘selective attention’ on helpful aspects and managing your
impulses all improve the secretion of serotonin and hence keep your appetite stable and
improve sleep.
Neural plasticity, the most recently researched part of brain functioning, is that wonderful
ability of the brain to keep on learning regardless of the challenge, whether this is learning
to walk again after damage caused by a stroke, move to a completely new job, home and
area, learning new languages, play music or try new hobbies and slow down the effects of
increasing age. Belief that your brain is never too old to learn is crucial for dealing with
unexpected, unplanned and unwanted change.
23
2.4 POSITIVIST OR PHENOMENOLOGICAL APPROACHES TO

LISTENING TO, GETTING TO KNOW AND CHALLENGING MYSELF
Simply, positivist approaches to social beings and situations are based on hard facts with
the belief that the relationship between these facts can be explained by scientific methods.
In the context of this chapter it refers to profiles using questionnaires, in which you select
from a set number of offered choices are the easy examples. Many of us have completed
these, either for fun, as part of a course or requested to do so by our employer. Examples
you may like to try are:-
Myers Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI) https://www.myersbriggs.org/my-mbti-personality-

type/mbti-basics/home.htm?bhcp=1
VAK Learning styles https://www.businessballs.com/self-awareness/vak-learning-styles-

self-test/
Learning Cycle by Kolb https://www.businessballs.com/self-awareness/kolbs-learning-

styles/
Recall how you felt after reading and/or receiving verbal feedback on a questionnaire or
profile you had completed:-
• What feelings were aroused in you?

• How did you want to challenge it?
• How well were your acceptances to the questionnaire/profile results and your
challenges listened to?
This reflection leads nicely into phenomenological approaches to ‘listening to myself ’.

Phenomenology acknowledges how individuals make sense of the world around them. The
emphasis is on subjectivity, on the validity of each person’s unique perspective and what
sameness, similarities and congruence of meaning can be witnessed between them.
24
Write for one minute, non-stop, on one of the following:-
• How you feel at this moment about the unexpected, unwanted change which
has engulfed you.
• The reactions of those who matter in your life.
• Your fears for the future.
Having done this allow yourself time to take stock of what you notice about yourself at
this moment in time.
2.5 METAPHOR AND CLEAN LANGUAGE

An aspect of phenomenological approaches to listening to and challenging myself ’ is the
power of metaphors onto which you add the use of clean language. A metaphor is ‘a figure
of speech’ or ‘a thing regarded as representative or symbolic of something else’; in this
situation of unwanted change, their use is their ability to express instinctively current realities
and, when coupled with Clean Language questions, can put order into the experience and
unfold possible ways forward. Lawley, N, Tompkins, P (2000)
Have you heard yourself exclaim, “This is a roller coaster” or “I was /my feelings were all
over the place, like a leaf being blown in the wind” or “I felt as if I was in a small boat in
a storm”. Have you ever noticed metaphors within your private thinking?
Please note one or two metaphors you recognise you have used /use regularly in certain
situations before you read on. If you cannot recall any, think of your own right now for
how you feel about some aspect of this situation. Expand the detail of this metaphor.
The clean language part is to construct open questions which honour the life expressed within
that is metaphor and not try to divert attention away from it. For example, clean language
questions following on from the metaphor of being ‘in a small boat in a storm’ could be:-
• Is there anyone else in the boat with you?

• Does the boat have a rudder, sail, motor, lifejackets, food supplies, flares etc?
• What maybe the first thing you could try to help yourself right now?
25
And once the detail within the metaphor is known and explored through open questions, the
mind can, somehow, start to relate this into the ‘here and now’ of what needs to be done.
If you have six minutes to spare try the following Open University video:-
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bGJC6NqMB-w
Other very simple phenomenological approaches to ‘Listening to and challenging myself ’ are:-
1. What you notice you ‘Walk towards’ / ‘Are drawn to exploring’.

2. Reviewing (as you did in Chapter 1) what ingredients were involved in your
happiest /most fulfilled experiences in life to date? What does this reflection
show are your ‘natural preferences’?
2.6 YOUR ‘STONE OF LIFE’

Your ultimate ‘reference point’ for ‘Being you’ is your own personal ‘Stone of Life’. This
holds three statements etched onto it:-
• Truths of life
• Values
• Life Force
Truths of Life are how you believe the world works because you can ‘prove’ they are true
from your own experience or whether you have adopted those of your parents, teachers
etc. Examples are:-
• No-one asks to be born

• We don’t choose the family, community or country into which we are born
• Only as an ‘adult’ (in whichever culture you belong) are you ‘free’ to make your
own choices; you only have one life.
• Life is not fair
• There are no guarantees in life; the only certain thing in life is death. Many
added taxes as well!
• The more you learn the more you realise your ignorance etc.
Values, which you also looked at in Chapter 1, are the ‘guides’ or constant reminder of
where your judgement calls will take you when under stress, e.g.
• Family is more important than work

• Lying is wrong
26
• Respecting differences delivers balanced outcomes.
The Life Force is “what life is all about to you.” It is about how you think life is best lived
and for this we include another ….
Take a moment to think about yourself at the end of your life and how you would reply to
a young child you know well and love dearly who asks you the following question, “Before
you die, tell me what I should do with my life?”
Replies could include:
• Be happy.
• Don’t worry.
• Make the most of life.
• Every new situation holds new energy.
• You are never too old to keep fulfilling your potential.
• Always go on learning, questioning, reflecting and being who you are.”
Whatever the answer/advice you give is really advice to yourself. If you are not using
this ‘advice’ for your own life, you are living a lie….and this will unsettle you more than
anything else as you live the one life you have. (Summarised from: Peters, Steve (2011) The
Chimp Paradox. The Mind Management programme for Confidence, Success and Happiness.
London; Vermillion)
2.7 CHALLENGING MYSELF

Reading and reflecting on all the elements of this book will challenge you on top of the
challenging situation you find yourself in. You are out of your ‘comfort zone’ as your brain
experiences different emotions, feelings, facts, threats and opportunities possibly in rapid
and random succession. Your ‘House of Habits’ needs refurnishing! Learning, both from the
past and for the future, is now essential, but it may, or may not be a smooth exploration,
as this ‘short story’ summarises:-
"The Five Chapters" of learning of learning for personal growth.
27
1. I walked down the street. I fell into a deep dark hole. It was horrible. It wasn’t
my fault. It took me a long time to get out.
2. I walked down the street. I fell into a deep dark hole. I forgot it was there. It
wasn’t my fault. It took me a long time to get out.
3. I walked down the street. I knew that hole was there. I fell into it anyway. It
was my fault. It was horrible. I got out immediately.
4. I walked down the street. I remembered that the hole was there. I walked
round it and didn’t fall in.
5. I walked down a different street.
Taken from Brockbank, A., McGill, I and Beech, N. (Eds) (2002)
So, please view ‘mistakes’ as ‘hidden gems’! In practical terms, engineers and scientists now
view failure, errors, mistakes as ‘gifts of potential’, e.g. James Dyson, the entrepreneur who
revolutionised domestic cleaners, is a firm believer in failure as an essential part of success.
And, best of all, every small success gives another reason to ‘Cherish’ and to ‘Celebrate’
What are the benefits of doing this? Perhaps this sequence may make sense:-
Know myself
Be myself
Challenge myself
Trust myself
Lead myself
28
‘Knowing’ who you are: current science is clear that every single one of the seven billion
(or more) human beings inhabiting the earth today is unique, both genetically and through
their experience of life. So, truly, there is no-one, not one other person, who will feel, see,
hear, taste and experience the life in your world the same as you.
“Be yourself ” is a frequently heard phrase; you owe it to yourself to keep yourself up-to-
date with who you are today, not who you were yesterday, last week, month, year. ‘Being’
yourself is about being ‘authentic’, not putting on a mask, an act or pretending to be, or
not to be, this person you uniquely are.
Unless you know who you are and are honest about how you are to others, you cannot
decide what things may ‘Challenge’ you. One person’s challenge is another person’s bread
and butter.
Looking back on times when you have faced a challenge as the person who know yourself
to be, you appreciate there are certain aspects of your approach that you Trust solidly.
Using this reflection often sets the foundation for deciding how you will move forward,
which option you will start with or take. This moving yourself forward through your own
choice is taking the Lead in your life.
Questions
1. Which of the following statements best describe the importance of my
emotions:-
a. They are fundamental to my wellbeing and future.
b. They need time and care to ensure I make best use of them.
c. They are so powerful they can ‘highjack’ my decisions.
d. Emotions are ‘more trouble than they are worth’, so life is easier if I ignore
them.
e. Just let my emotions make the decisions and deal with the consequences that
arise.
2. Positivist approaches to listening to and challenging myself of could be?

a. Myers Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI)
b. Writing poetry about my feelings
c. Gardner’s Multiple Intelligences or Visual – Auditory – Kinesthetic profile
(VAK)
d. The 16pf profile
e. The Self Directed Search or SDS profile for career and educational options
29
3. What is the value of listening to my use of metaphors?

a. Helps me to explore my deeper thinking patterns and connections
b. It is a good way to impress people
c. It can enable me to be creative
d. It can give me different angles on how to solve problems
4. Neural plasticity refers to?

a. How quickly I can mould myself to a new situation
b. The ability of my brain to learn new skills, new perspectives and new
behaviours, however old I am
c. The neurons in my brain change shape in response to stress
d. Under pressure, my brain cells fuse and hence don’t work efficiently
5. From both Chapter 1 and 2, which of the following may help you best to
maximise how you take yourself forward in this unwanted change:-
a. Sitting quietly and reflecting on mistakes and successes.
b. Mindfulness
c. Writing poetry
d. Actively drawing thoughts and feelings together in some creative way, e.g.
collage of pictures, drawings etc.
e. Working out what helps me best, right now in this situation.
Answers
1. 1. a, b & c
2. 2. a, c, d, & e.
3. 3. a, c, d & e
4. 4. b
5. 5. Any and all of the options.
30
BOOK TITLE My Connections
3 MY CONNECTIONS
“I’m a traveller, not a mapmaker. I am going down this path
as and with you”
Brene Brown
3.1 HUMAN CONNECTIONS

This chapter will look at our social and human connections and how we draw on them in
times of unexpected change. It will also look at how we communicate and express ourselves
and how we trust both ourselves and others as we make social connections.
Unexpected change comes suddenly, when we are least expecting it. A job loss, a bereavement,
a diagnosis, a pandemic, a car accident. It can happen when we are feeling resilient, strong
and able to cope or when we are feeling at our lowest and most vulnerable. Often, because
we need to survive this event, we think we should be brave and not show are true feelings.
Brene Brown says that “vulnerability is the emotion we experience during times of uncertainty,
risk and emotional exposure”.
So, the notion that we can “brave it out alone” is in fact a myth. Acknowledging your
vulnerability in any given situation is central to engaging with it and human connectivity
is a key factor.
As individuals, from the moment we are born we do not generally, strive to stand alone but
rather lean towards “a collective ability to plan, communicate, reason and work together”.
Cacioppo stated in 2013 that our “hormonal and genetic make up support interdependence
over independence”.
There is considerable evidence to suggest that the more we, as individuals, are socially
connected at times of unexpected change the more resilient we are likely to be. Conversely,
the least connected then the more likely we are to be lonely and socially disconnected. This
latest evidence comes from Public Health Wales (2019).
31
Psychological
Feeling good
factors – Mental
Wellbeing Functioning
Emotional and capacity
well
cognitive
Positive family,
Community
Peer and Social
engagement /
social capital
support
relationships
Resilience (3)
Fig. 1 Wellbeing factors
Our wellbeing is centred daily on how we are feeling and that leads to how well we are
functioning as individuals. This state can fluctuate and is enhanced by positive behaviours
and lifestyles but can be adversely affected by social and environmental factors, outside our
control, which often happens in times of unexpected change.
Our mental capacity is governed by our coping strategies and psychological factors as to how
we have dealt with difficult situations in the past; what elements overwhelmed us and what
mental toughness skills we used to “ride out’ the difficult time. Our own problem solving
skills will come to the fore and our limbic brain will be coping with extreme emotions and
ways in which we have problem solved our way out of situations previously. Our limbic
brain is the structure in the brain involved with emotion, memory, motivation and learning.
This capacity is also influenced by the sense of control we feel we have over the situation.
Often, in sudden events, i.e. being given bad news or a pandemic, we may feel that the
complexity of the situation renders us helpless and not in control of our world.
The social capacity we have relates to positive relationships we have both inside and outside
our homes or domestic circles. Inside include relationships you have with family groups,
peers and is likely to have the attitude, skills, compassion, thoughtfulness etc. to support
you in practical as well as emotional ways.
32
3.2 SUGGESTED ACTIVITY

Write down your thoughts, on those who you think will most support you at a time of
change. Try to think of this list as your ‘A Team’; those in your life of whom you connect
most, and at this point in time you feel are most confident to have the attitude, skills,
compassion, thoughtfulness etc. to support you in practical as well as emotional ways.
Below, some headings are suggested ……..
Name Positive Practical help you Concerns /

attributes could, when needed, considerations of their
ask them for circumstances
George/ Knowledgeable May know someone who May feel I’m asking him,
gardening group about gardening could mow the lawn so must be careful to
when I can’t cope stress I’m not.
Sue/sister Likes shopping. Give her a list of small She lives off a small
Enjoys short walks. things I can’t get from budget, so never ask
A good listener, online ordering. unless I’ve the cash
whom I can trust. Plan to go together. to give her with the
Know she can ‘cope with request.
tears’ as a natural human Make sure she has the
need. time
Be as good a
‘waterproof prop’ to her
and she is to me.
John/colleague Good at most Talk with my boss about Be honest with them
of my work how my work can be when I start to find it too
responsibilities. covered and how I can much and want to take
keep in touch. less active role or take a
complete break.
Penny/Best friend Enjoy her Ring or call in Share my ‘rest’ times so

company, she can avoid these, or
perspective on life ask her to text to check
and her sense of if I’m ok for a phone chat
humour. or her calling round.
P.S. Reality may not match or follow this preparation. However, the benefit of this informal
but careful approach, prepares your thinking for appreciating qualities of others and equally
as important ensures you appreciate your perception and acceptance of both your own
limitations and those of others in your life who are wanting to show they care.
33
3.3 TEAM CONNECTEDNESS

What if this sudden and unexpected change is taking place in your workplace?
Here social connections among your work colleagues plays a critical role, the quality of
these connections contributes to the co-operation, co-ordination and how you adapt as an
individual and as a team.
That is not to say that you have to have work connections that are close or familial, although
some people do refer to their teams as “like family” or to their “work husband/wife”; this
connectedness is about how you relate to those around you at work, how you respond to
ideas, objectives, values and, importantly, sudden changes.
How you respond to this change will depend on a range of variables, namely the trust you
have for your leader and in your colleagues, often, your position within the team and what
the event actually is. This degree of “social connectedness” will be parallel to, and build
on, the elements of your wellbeing, mental capacity and social capital discussed above. The
‘onion’ effect –
Fig. 2 Your ‘onion’
Tuckman (1965) talks about how teams form and their progression from storming to
performing. The sudden change can impact at any time i.e. to a newly formed team that
may feel vulnerable, ill equipped and unsure to a fully performing team who are expert,
have a strong leader and who can cope with this unexpected event. (Tuckman’s 1965 team
development model).
How you interact with your team or group of work colleagues defines how the group as a
whole responds. If it is quality interaction then that leads to shared information, influences
how the team grows and generates new behaviours.
34
Your perception of others behaviour will invariably shape how you respond. That of course
is based on your ‘triangle’ of resilience, shown above in Fig. 1, and on your past experiences,
quality of communication, the learning within the team and the sharing of tasks and
responsibilities. If the team is fragmented and divided then the reverse can be true.
What if you are looking at your team members and thinking “they are coping better than
me…….they are happier/healthier, better able to cope than me….?
This transference has its roots in Transactional Analysis (TA) theory developed by Eric Berne,
a psychiatrist who used TA to explain human behaviour and social interactions. His ‘states’
were developed into the OK Corral – see Fig. 3 below
Based on your values, attitudes and behaviours (your onion!) situations can trigger one of
four reactions according to Berne.
a. I’m OK you’re not OK – here you may feel self assured, confident, and/or be
very competitive and look to others mistakes and flaws
b. I’m not OK and you’re not OK – here there is a feeling of helplessness and
negativity, this can lead to detaching from a situation.
c. I’m not OK, you’re OK – here you may feel inadequate, inferior to others and
powerless in this situation and can result in you withdrawing
d. I’m OK, you’re OK – this is a position of optimism and collaborative team
connectedness. It creates a good team environment where there is collective
team learning and communication.
35
You are Okay with me
I am not OK I am OK
You are OK You are OK
I am Not Okay with me
one down position healthy position
I am Okay with me
Get away from Get on with Happy
Helpless
I am not OK I am OK
You are not OK You are not OK
hopeless position one-up position
Get nowhere with Get rid of Angry
Hopeless
You are Not Okay with me
Fig. 3 OK Corral
3.4 COMMUNICATION
Fundamental to all our human connections is how we communicate to others and how
those around us communicate to us. And, often when this takes place; if we are tired,
distracted, detached…
Are you able to articulate your fears and concerns around this change event? And if so to
whom? These are the hard, high stake, conversations the one’s we generally avoid having
even with our closest family.
Don’t assume that your map of the world is the same as the person you are talking to! You
may well have differing values, beliefs, language, sense and experiences from those you are
conversing with.
Different worlds;
different views
on any given
situation or
event
Fig. 4 Your world view
36
However, it is often at times of sudden and unexpected change that we need to have these
conversations in order to clarify uncertainty and articulate what is needed.
Fred Kofman (2014) talks about having ‘Authentic Conversations’ and that, in his view,
conversations break down into three components central to any conversation or, workplace
exchange.
Firstly, he describes the IT (what is it?) what is the TASK that is being explained or asked
for; it is the what, when, the how. This can often take place in a command and control
situation especially in a crisis or sudden change. Secondly, he talks about the WE (that is
your relationship with the leader of the team or the team/ the person you are having the
conversation with. Here he raises the question of trust. Do you trust what is being asked
of you? Or do you feel threatened? This is based on your own unspoken assumptions and
expectations (back to your onion again!).
Lastly, he talks about the I (do I say something or not!) do I show my extensive knowledge
on this or admit I know little about this. This will often depend on where is your place in
the team? How is your self esteem? Do you think you will be heard? Examples here include
very junior doctors and senior consultants, the MD and a shop floor worker…….
All this centres on our own internal dialogues with ourselves. This is often happening
at the same time as the conversation is taking place! How many times have we replayed
conversations and thought “Oh I wish I’d have said this or that? ………”
We often internalise and misunderstand what is being said to us. In coaching we use a
technique called mirroring; this is where we paraphrase and mirror back to our coachee
what we understood they have said.
This is central to empathy. Paraphrasing is repeating what has just been said, using different
words so that you demonstrate that you really did ‘hear’. You focus on the core of what
your colleague said, illustrating that you entered your colleague’s ‘frame of reference’ and
took his/her meaning.
Paraphrasing involves reflecting the words, it is also appropriate to reflect on the feeling
behind the words. Both theirs and your own!. Watch the person’s non verbal signals and use
the information as a way to help them understand and consider what they may be thinking
or feeling. This is different from the questioning of a metaphor using clean Language,
included in Chapter 2, where the metaphor retains its own integrity in order to elicit the
creativity’. In conversations to build relationships, checking ‘common understanding’ is the
fundamental of good communication.
37
In times of sudden change it would be normal for people to be anxious or apprehensive

as they talk, you may ask “I sense that you are concerned about this”. Their response will
verify the statement or correct it.
If when reflecting back, you feel that it is appropriate to reflect back the feeling you
perceived, then be aware of the dangers. Make it easy for the other person to tell you that
you are wrong. You can do this for example, by asking; „ I had the impression you were
annoyed about that? Were you?“ You must not be defensive if they say they were not, „
I’m sorry I misunderstood.
Trust has been a theme of this chapter, trusting in your own connections and acknowledging
and trusting in your values, attitudes and beliefs. It is OK not to be OK.
We will share Brene Brown’s BRAVING model as it forms a structure for conversations and
how we connect with others and create a synergy of communication.
She sets out the following model – B.R.A.V.I.N.G
Boundaries – respecting boundaries and having your boundaries respected. When it’s not
clear you ask and saying so is acceptable.
Reliability – Doing what you say you will and expecting the same of others. At work this is
being aware of your competences and limitations and recognising them honestly and bravely.
Accountability – owing your mistakes and apologise for them and expecting the same of
others.
Vault – Not sharing information or experiences that are not yours to share – lock them away!
Integrity – Choose courage, what is right, owning your values and showing them.
Nonjudgement – Asking for what you need as can others of you; asking for help without
judgement.
Generosity – extending generous interpretations to intentions, words and actions of others.
Follow Brene Brown on https://www.brenebrown.com
3.5 SOCIAL MEDIA

The last part of this chapter will look how you connect with social media. The nature of
how we all connect with family, friends and colleagues has changed rapidly in the last few
months. Many of us are now using a myriad of social media platforms which may include -
FaceTime, Twitter, Instagram, WhatsApp, Skype, Zoom, Microsoft Teams, Snapchat etc.,
38
Social media is defined as internet bases and network communication platforms that allow both
personal and public communication – Miekle (2016). It is estimated by 2021 global users of
such platforms will amount to 3 billion worldwide.
When we use social media often we selectively reveal ourselves to show happy emotions,
images, opinions etc., However, the jury is out as to whether such revelations are positive
or not to our Wellbeing. Current research would suggest not.
The danger, as we saw with the OK Corral, illustrated in Fig. 3, is that open comparisons
are made and conclusions are draw. The number of likes, retweets, followers, emojis instantly
generates a comparison which allows others to form impressions which may be favourable
or unfavourable for them.
A positive aspect for many people is the contact it gives them with family and friends in
times of sudden change; news can easily and quickly be spread and often actual physical
support and help given to you. Successful social connections can be very fulfilling and have
led in recent times to increased contact for families via the platforms mentioned when
physical contact has not been possible.
However, reports are showing that social media, whilst connecting people via many devices,
can in fact lead to anxiety and hamper wellbeing and mental health if used indiscriminately.
The focus is on self presentation and hence not on your authentic whole self and that
immediately leads to comparison.
In a recent article on social media and mental health in Nursing Times (UK February
2020) this comparison factor was found to lead to increased mental health issues. Social
comparison is a form of sociological self-esteem, where we derive our sense of self through
comparing ourselves with others (Festinger, 1954). Festinger argued that people have a
tendency to make downward social comparisons with those who are worse off or less skilled
than them, and this can raise their self-esteem. Conversely, upward social comparisons can
reduce self-esteem, and are more likely with social media.
If we go back to the OK Corral diagram, Fig. 3 shown above, the ‘one down position’ and
feeling of helplessness can prevail. However, changing this unhelpful thought can positively
influence how you feel and behave.
Take, for example, the thought that ‘other people are better than me’. This can be challenged
by reframing and, going back to your ‘triangle of resilience’ as shown at Fig. 1 acknowledging
that the effects of social media on self-presentation and social comparison can be false. This
can then reduce your distance between your actual or authentic self and the social media
driven ideal which is being portrayed by others.
39
So, stay connected but in a healthy way, many mental health bodies have suggested the
following tips to engage in a healthy way with social media platforms –
• Reduce you time online

• Change your use – don’t just habitually go online – check if for specific reasons
• Express gratitude – mindfulness, as discussed in the next chapter, keep a journal,
volunteer or connect with a group or hobby
• Help educate children to understand their use and limitations of social media.
Questions
1. Elements of your wellbeing are critical to how you function, they are ;-
a. Your mental health
b. The positive family and social relationships you have
c. Your role at work
d. Your support systems
2. When communicating with others assume :-

a. You are always on the same wave length
b. They respect you as a person
c. Your views on any given situation are different
3. Paraphrasing or reflecting back when talking to someone can:-

a. Create a common understanding
b. Check that they have heard what has been said
c. Be patronising to the other person
d. Help if you talk slowly
4. Your use of social media can aid your wellbeing if you:-

a. Sync all your devices together
b. Change your use and only check devices for specific reasons
c. Take you phone to bed
d. Reframe and acknowledge the effects of social comparison.
Answers
1. a, b & d
2. c
40
3. a & b
4. b & d
41
BOOK TITLE My Positive Psychology
4 MY POSITIVE PSYCHOLOGY
“Everything can be taken from a man but the last of the
human freedoms – to choose one’s attitude in any given
set of circumstances”
Viktor Frankl
4.1 STAYING POSITIVE!

Martin Seligman, considered by many as the father of positive psychology, defined positive
psychology as “... the scientific study of positive human functioning and flourishing on
multiple levels that include the biological, personal, relational, institutional, cultural, and
global dimensions of life.”
There is the tale of an old man telling his grandson about two wolves in the forest, one
black and bad and the other white and good. Oh, “who gets to win?” says the grandson.
The old man replies “the one who is fed the most………..”
Fig. 1 Positive thoughts
Positive psychology then is a scientific approach to the study of human thoughts, feelings
and behaviours; based on Seligman (2002) and Csikszentmilyi’s (1975) work it focuses on
strengths rather than weaknesses, depression and anxieties.
The focus is on acknowledging your strengths in any given situation and in showing self
compassion; that is the ability to work out and balance the perspective of the severity and
impact of life events; mistakes you have made or concentrating on your own personal
weaknesses.
42
In times of unexpected and sudden change there is often an internal psychological conflict –
there is the urge to stay safe and the desire to maintain a normal pleasurable life but
conversely there are maladaptive behaviours which can spiral and display as greed, panic
buying, anxiety, depression and anger..
Based on his work with mentally ill patients and aiming to create a balance in favour of
positive responses Seligman devised the PERMA model for this positive theory of wellbeing
in 2002, expanded in 2011. He recognised three core features, notably, having a pleasant
life, being engaged and creating a state of flow in your life and lastly, having a meaningful
life and he later added relationships and accomplishment.
https://www.authentichappiness.sas.upenn.edu/faculty-profile/profile-dr-martin-seligman
E
P Engagement
Positive finding flow
Emotions R
feeling good Relationships
authentic
connections
A
Achievement
a sense of M
accomplishment Meaning
purposeful
existence
Fig. 2 Seligman’s wellbeing model
This positive bias approach has been developed and expanded over the last twenty years,
social psychologists have studied elements of Seligman’s model, whilst neuroscientists have
studied brain patterns and chemical reactions. Oxytocin, when released in the brain, may
provide greater trust and empathy, as discussed in chapter 2. This can be released by physical
contact in the form of hugs and displays of affection, which, in turn leads to a heightened
sense of wellbeing.
The mood you display, as with the moods of those around you, will affect everyone. Research
shows that people who perform acts of kindness not only boost their own wellbeing but
that of others.
43
We often see random acts of kindness in times of unexpected change, a neighbour helping
with the shopping, someone collecting your children from school, someone baking a cake
or walking your dog!
Roy Baumeister (2013) a social psychologist notes that happiness and sense of meaning
could be defined as follows – happiness is present centred and rooted in the now and
meaningfulness focused on the past and future states. He notes that people who are classed
as ‘givers’ experienced more meaning in their lives whilst ‘takers’ experienced more happiness.
If you feel that you are lacking in meaning of life then Baumeister suggests you try giving
more and conversely, if you feel you are lacking happiness in your life try accepting other
peoples’ generosity.
Worry, stress and anxiety are more likely to be felt by those whose lives are high in
meaningfulness and low in happiness; however, negative emotions are not always bad, they
can be used to ‘balance’ your view on things……. no one is positive all the time.
Using positive psychology as a wellbeing tool boosts your resilience, we touched on in chapter
3. If you can learn to cope with change and the recognition that change is constant then
you will lower your risk of anxiety taking over your choice of behaviours.
4.1.1 SUGGESTED ACTIVITIES
a. Step back and ask yourself “what can I control in this situation?”
b. Stop and think about how this situation is making you feel
c. Check your thoughts – are they instantly positive or negative?
d. Be present – are you feeling, tired, afraid, weepy, angry?
e. However difficult the situation you may want to work out how and where you
want to spend your time and energies
Practically, they can be divided into cognitive, behavioural and network applications. These
are well researched flourishing positive psychology interventions – VanderWeele (2020)
Activities for Flourishing – Journal of Positive Psychology and Wellbeing.
Cognitively, you could keep a gratitude journal, noting all the things in your life that you
are grateful for; equally, all the positive things that have happened that day, you could
be in the moment savouring, time, nature, a meal and lastly, you can imagine your best
possible self – ask “at my best how would I react or respond and in what way”? This was
a suggested activity in chapter 1.
44
Behaviourally, you could use your character strengths, often in times of sudden change
people come to the fore who are brilliant organisers or can resource and find things or
work rotas. Secondly, you can do random acts of kindness, as mentioned above and lastly,
you can volunteer with a charity at a food bank or community group.
In your networks you can turn to a partner, close friend or family for support. You can
look to work and the strong network of ties and connectivity you may have or, you may
rely on a religious community. You may want to reflect on who and what in your life
are ‘radiators’ (give you warmth and comfort) and who are your ‘drains’ (suck away your
energy/flow of life).
4.2 FOCUS ON SELF

Often, at times of sudden change, our sleep patterns, diet and exercise regime go out of
the window. Yet it is precisely at these times that structure, and self care are important.
As discussed in chapter 3 don’t compare yourself to others and how they may be responding
to this change, find your own path. Psychologists suggest that maintaining a regime can
redirect any anxiety. Which is fine but what if “I always do that” becomes “I can’t do that
anymore…”
We then need to reframe how we respond, one model that we have suggested is David
Rocks’s SCARF trigger, explained in chapter 2. We need to acknowledge that mind and
body connection in self care.
Fig. 3 Brain and body together
45
In times of change we can have a heightened sense of anxiety which impacts on our normal
eating patterns and digestion. Things that may happen are –
• Low motivation to eat properly

• Healthy eating messages ‘don’t get through….’
• We lose our appetites
• We may over /under eat when emotional eating takes over as we use food to
cope
Behavioural studies have shown that prolonged psychological stress can trigger overeating;
and whilst it is OK to feel unmotivated to eat healthily when you are feeling bombarded
with sudden change, information or uncertainty there is a need to recognise this in yourself.
Also, if you are a parent or carer there is an element to look after yourself before helping
other to look after others i.e. put on your own oxygen mask first before helping others!
Exercise is a significant contributor to your positive psychology, it releases chemicals to the

brain which trigger positivity. Endorphins are one of many neurotransmitters released when
you exercise it also stimulates the release of dopamine, norepinephrine and serotonin all of
which impact positively on your moods.
Dopamine is a motivating/reward brain chemical whilst endorphins give you the feel good
factor. Norepinephrine makes you feel more alert and also boosts memory retrieval whilst
serotonin lifts your energy levels.
Serotonin is also responsible for boosting your overall sense of Wellbeing and exercise helps
balance your body’s stress hormones such as adrenaline which play a key role in your flight/
fight response as mentioned in chapter 2.
Ecopsychology is the science and research that looks at the impact of exercise on your
psychological state; they refer to ‘green’ and ‘blue’ exercise, the former being taken in the
outdoors and the effect that that has with the latter being taken near or on water.
As part of neuroscience, brain- (or neuro-) plasticity refers to the brains ability to rewire
itself i.e. behavioural changes create new neural pathways, and scientists are currently looking
to understand the specific benefits of particular exercises and maximum effects of duration
and intensity. Another branch of neuroscience, neurobiology, centres on research on the
frontal lobe of the brain and how it contributes to personality, emotions, judgement and
problem solving all of which can affect you in times of sudden change.
46
We all know that exercise is good for us but not all of us are marathon runners, so choose
something that you like, be it running, yoga, cycling or a walk in the park as green exercise.
So, we have looked at your positive psychological state and how diet and exercise can
impact and improve our wellbeing we turn now to another state of mind. This is all part of
building resilience and adding to that resilience triangle we looked at in chapter 3 (Fig 1)
4.3 RESILIENCE
Resilience is not a fixed state and has a variety of definitions the most succinct given by
the World Health Organisation (WHO) in 2020 as:-
“The dynamic process of adapting well and responding individually or collectively in the face
of challenging circumstances, economic crises, psychological stress, trauma, tragedy, threats
or other sources of stress. It can be described as an ability to cope or to recover from the
effects of such circumstances and the process of identifying assets and enabling factors”.
It can take a three stage pathway – firstly, reactive (initial reaction of an event) to the extent
of the magnitude of the event, secondly, proactive the adapting phase, one of adjusting,
healing recovering and lastly, the transforming stage, that is the reassessing, learning,
balanced and successful adaptation phase. This process can take place over a relatively short
space of time or can take years.
In supporting resilience many workplaces have coaching and Employee Assistance programmes
in place to support psychological wellbeing. Research in Australia found that resilience
skills training using Seligmans’ PERMA model, shown above, brought about general
improvements in wellbeing and specific improvements in productivity and absenteeism.
Specific coaching and counselling services exist for those working in the emergency services
supporting post trauma stress.
See https://www.wellbeingandresilience.com/
Often people coming out of a trauma can present as highly resilient but sometimes adopt
maladaptive coping skills i.e. drug taking, increased use of alcohol. As research has shown
resilience can be learnt and developed and there are many resilience programmes available,
Post trauma, people often re evaluate their own situations and find a deeper life meaning. It
will be interesting to see, over the next few years, how people have dealt in the longer term
with the effects of the Covid 19 virus, given that it has affected most of the world. This links
to the theory of Uncertainty Avoidance theory which will be discussed in the final chapter.
47
What traits are we likely to find in resilient people? Those best able to cope with significant
trauma or unexpected change? Several personality traits are evident in resilient people:
• They are determined, they persist in troubled time, not giving up

• They are discerning in that they take advice but are selective in its use
• They tend to be intuitive, that is they rely on their ‘gut feelings’, they observe
what is around them and also actively listen
• To degrees they are tolerant of uncertainty they accept that there will be a loss
of their control and they flow with it
• They tend to be optimistic in moving forward – adopting the “things will get
better” approach
• Gratitude is another trait, they are thankful for small things, little steps forward.
Taken from Psychology Today online 14th May 2020.
Questions
1. In acknowledging self compassion you should:-
a. Dwell on your mistakes
b. Show kindness to yourself
c. Be engaged with others
d. Not concentrate on your feelings
2. Seligman’s P.E.R.M.A model looks at:-

a. Positive emotions
b. Achievements
c. Mental states
d. Status
e. Relationships
3. In maintaining a healthy life balance it is useful to:-

a. Go to the gym daily
b. Take a walk outdoors
c. Try mindfulness, meditation or yoga
d. Ask others how often they exercise and what they do
4. Being resilient can be:-

a. Toughing out difficult times alone
b. Learnt and developed
c. A dislike of uncertainty
d. A foundation for life’s deeper meaning
48
Answers
1. b, c
2. a, e
3. b, c
4. b, d
49
BOOK TITLE Change and Transition
5 CHANGE AND TRANSITION

Change will not come if we wait for some other person or
some other time. We are the ones we’ve been waiting for.
We are the change that we seek.”
Barack Obama
This final chapter will look at where you personally find yourself at the time of the sudden
change, it will touch on the human factor in complex situations and shifts to the ‘new
normal’ and how social media sits in times of rapid change.
It will go onto to the theory of uncertainty avoidance and examine some well established
change models before ending with a suggested activity which will, hopefully, be a culmination
of all five chapters of this book and help you to balance your own wellbeing with the change
and transition you are facing.
Fig. 1 Emotional shifts
5.1 CHANGE – WHERE AM I?

Personal change and the STOP principle; so this change has hit you suddenly and without
warning. We invite you to stop and think about what is happening right now, and consider
the following:-
• What is the situation? A work change, a bereavement, a diagnosis, a pandemic

• What is behind this change? Is it a restructure? A virus? A loss?
• Within this change seek to find out what will not change – your role? Place of
work? Position in life?
• Ask yourself what you stand to lose or gain from this situation
• Apply positive thinking models as discussed in chapter 4
50
• Reframe possible problems using the SCARF model shown in chapter 2

• Listen to other fears and concerns but don’t compare yourself – your journey is
your journey
• Communicate with others, use authentic conversations as discussed in chapter 3
• Engage with others and maintain a healthy balance; both addressed in chapter 4
Remember that you may be at a different point on your personal transition curve that
others around you or, you may find yourself at the same place.
John Fisher extended the research done by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross on the stages of grief and
applied it to our own personal stages, be it in work or other realms of life.
His change curve explains how people respond to change and transition and why a range
of feelings, and threats to their wellbeing, come to the surface.
Fig. 2 Fishers Transition curve
Fisher takes as his starting point the anxiety that is felt as the change happens – the “I can’t
cope with this…” feeling that can be our first reaction. He then moves to the second point
on the curve of happiness; where we may be glad things are changing and seeing things
in a new light. His third and fourth stages are ones of fear and threat – the “how will this
affect me and, what if I don’t have the skills or the ability to change…” questions.
51
This is often followed by the guilt stage, you may see others around you coping much
better than you with this sudden change which can, if unchecked, move to the depression
or despair stage. Depending on your resilience triangle that we saw in Fig. 1 of Chapter
3 you can minimise this stage and start to move towards gradual acceptance or you can
become totally disillusioned and decide that this change does not suit you or your values
and you detach yourself.
If you can move towards gradual acceptance you come to realise that you can cope, learn new
skills or accept the ‘new normal’ and you move on, acknowledging this ‘ending’, working
your way through the neutral/transition zone in order to nourish this new beginning. See
Bridges Transition (2013) model at Fig 4 in this chapter.
When working with organisations, in a range of transitions, we have applied the Fisher model
to help staff realise how the change is affecting them personally and it allows managers to
access where staff are in coming to terms with the change. It also helps to recognise people
who may be classed as ‘organisational derailers’ who become hostile to the change and intent
on derailing it. It is also a very good tool to build resilience; as discussed in chapter 4.
5.2 HUMAN FACTORS IN COMPLEX SITUATIONS

Whether it be in our health sector, government or complex manufacturing industry the
interaction between humans and ‘systems’ is growing ever more complex. In any situation
people are dealing with products, services, policies, procedures, other people and advancing
technologies. Cultures which will be touched on later in this chapter.
Sitting alongside these factors sit human error, fatigue, information processing and fast
moving social technologies.
52
Fig. 3 Complex connections
In any complex situation we should accept and mitigate the human factor and recognise
cognitive limitations. Often, consequences of our actions are not seen, we interpret
incomplete or unreliable information, we can also be influenced by our surroundings, our
feelings and our peer group. In many sectors, and cultures taking responsibility is not an
organisational ‘norm’.
In addition, we have time pressures, staff shortages, tasks, technology, dynamic interactions,
senior managers and system errors.
53
5.3 COMPLEXITY AND UNCERTAINTY AVOIDANCE
Situations, of course, can vary and, as we have seen in the preceding chapters, how we
response will differ greatly from others. This, too has many variants, your “onion”, your
resilience and wellbeing ‘triangle’, your inner voice and your brain chemistry.
Generally, we are uncomfortable with uncertainty and, at times of sudden change, that
certainty may not be obvious or there at all. When we look at society as a whole; ethnicity,
complexity, cultures, political bases, legislative structures, we can see more clearly areas of
uncertainty, and as individuals we often seek to avoid that uncertainty in favour of stability
and our comfort zones.
A Dutch social psychologist and Professor Emeritus of Organizational Anthropology and

International Management at Maastricht University in the Netherlands, Geert Hofstede
(1928-2020) developed an index, called the Uncertainty Avoidance Index (UAI) to establish
the degree to which cultures, countries, organisations and individuals can tolerate uncertainty.
He stated that those with low Uncertainty Avoidance respond to, cope more quickly and
adapt to change than those with built-in preferences for avoiding uncertainty, i.e. have a
high Uncertainty Avoidance.
54
Some countries create/enjoy/tolerate ‘tighter’ structures in the legal, financial, technological,

political and religious aspects of how they function and many of their citizens feel safe within
this high UAI culture, while those citizens with a low personal UAI will find many aspects
frustrating and feel like rebels. In high UAI countries/cultures, political demonstrations or
challenging the status quo are viewed with greater anxiety and are often responded to as
a threat, whereas in low UAI countries/cultures questioning the status quo is accepted as
more normal in contributing to change. We have witnessed with the Covid 19 pandemic
across the world some citizens protesting for rights to freedom and movement over the
safety of others.
Multi-national companies, each with its own UAI preference in its management structures,
when operating in different countries with different UAI cultures, can experience tensions;
especially when senior executives are ‘imported’ from the home country of the organisation.
Trust and Leadership are shown to be important factors with UAI. Organisations with
a high degree of trust in the functioning and leadership are far more likely to attract,
motivate and nourish those people with a low UAI, whereas organisations relying on high
UAI management structures may well place less value on trust and leadership within each
individual, seeking out and attracting those who enjoy compliancy for performance. It is
important not to confuse Risk Avoidance with Uncertainty Avoidance! The link between
trust, leading and a natural / preferred level of avoiding uncertainty work hand in hand in
any change situation.
We hope you can appreciate the link between this theory and some of the dimensions we
included in Chapter 1 (emotions of trust, fear, anger) and Chapter 2 (our natural preferences,
our inner lead and self-trust ) and Chapter 3 (connections and interactions) which are
important as we understand the tensions of this change and work on how we transition to
a ‘new normal’ which is congruent, or authentic for us.
5.4 NEW REALITY

Early in April 2020, a paper “Self-coaching and winning strategies for a new reality” was
released by Joan Bolton-Frost, an experienced Consultant, Facilitator and Coach trained by
both Nancy Kline (author of ‘Time to Think’, ‘More Time to Think, ‘Living with Time to
Think’) and William Bridges (author of ‘Managing Transition; making the most of change’
and ‘Managing Transition; making sense of life’s changes’). Bolton-Frost wrote this paper,
drawing from the work of William Bridges which we outline, to help us “strengthen our
mental resilience during coronavirus.” And we have, with her permission, adapted and
shortened her content to this book on unexpected, unplanned and unwanted change.
55
5.4.1 SUGGESTED ACTIVITY – THE LAST ONE ….
Please do fully immerse yourself in this suggested activity as we feel it is the best way this
book can help to position you for shaping a future which is authentically you.
With a pencil and paper allow yourself 20 minutes to write down your thoughts on the
following questions:-
1. Put your feelings first by asking “What am I feeling?” Some likely feelings are:
Anxiety, worried, frustrated, concerned, scared, dismayed, angry, depressed…etc.
There are no limits, just everything you recognise in you.
Don’t beat yourself up…time for that kindness we talked of in Chapter 1. At times
of uncertainty (see above) it is normal to experience a kaleidoscope, a roller coaster
of emotions and feelings. If you have experienced previous unexpected, unwanted
and unplanned change, your memories will quickly rise to the fore; don’t let them
muscle in on this situation now but respect they are real and could be useful.
2. Acknowledge the endings by asking “What am I losing?” Possibly relationships,
a future I planned, self-esteem, income, security, seeing my family etc. etc.
Once these are on paper, ask the following question, “What is over for now?” And
“What doesn’t work at the moment?”
It’s vital to acknowledge and observe the feelings attached to these losses and endings
whether they are just temporary, as in the pandemic, or permanent as in the loss
of a job or loved one.
3. Think about how much still remains the same by asking, “What is consistent
in my life?” and “What is not changing?” Possibly, enjoying talking with
family and friends, reading a good book, being out in the countryside,
riding my bike etc. etc.
The above three questions support you to think through what is ‘Ending’, that essential first
part of our Transition to a ‘new normal’. Then we move into the ‘Neutral Zone where it
is our choice and responsibility to practice four things which will help us ‘regain a sense
of order amid the confusion’:-
1. ‘Communicate clearly and often’. The Connections you value, need to

maintain, wish to nourish etc. Decide on the frequency and balance good and
not so good. (see Chapters 1 & 3)
2. ‘Temporary solutions’. You know what has ended, or is diminishing, in your
life but the future is still far from clear, so devising temporary solutions to
ensure you have income, stay healthy, keep up to date, nourish social networks
etc. is important in this ‘Neutral Zone’. All these temporary solutions may
end themselves in time, but some may be so successful they become part
of your next phase, ‘New Beginnings’, but at this point, do not plan for
long-term quick fixes.
56
3. Enhance your creativity: notice the ideas which pass through your brain, aim
to be creative, doing things differently; you maybe pleasantly surprised at what
innovation may be nurtured. Be creative with others, either for fun or through
courses, both online and real-time.
4. Increase your learning: creativity, learning and change go hand-in-hand and
observe that ‘unlearning’ some things, saying farewell to things that no longer
serve you positively, simply frees up space for what you are discovering is
beneficial for you.
Throughout this ‘Neutral Zone’ period, stay focused on your Wellbeing (chapter 1) by giving
yourself planned points in each day to cherish, whether this is a physical exercise routine,
preparing food, sharing with family and friends or some ‘Me’ time. Resilience, as discussed
in chapter 4, is the opportunity for personal growth through times of stress and difficulty
but it will not happen without your awareness and responsibility. Margaret Chapman-Clarke
in her book (2015) Coaching in Times of Crisis and Transformation wrote “Resilience is the
resource upon which we draw when faced with setbacks. It’s a fundamental capability that
enables an individual to survive, thrive and flourish in a volatile, uncertain, complex and
ambiguous world. It is our ability to learn and grow from adversity and to flex and bend,
without breaking, and spring back. Put simply it’s our ‘bounce-back-ability’.”
5.5 AND FINALLY…..

The new beginning does not burst into the room in a fanfare of trumpets. One day you will
realise your feelings of Wellbeing, of being comfy in your own skin, being ‘at home again’
have returned, but now with a new shape and size you really enjoy and are proud of. This
is the time to reflect (maybe revisit the five chapters of personal growth and learning in
Chapter 2) and note, in whatever way you wish, what your new ingredients of Wellbeing
are – what you are doing now which sustains your reasons for life, what connections are
vital and how you are putting purpose into your life.
57
The New
Beginning
The Neutral
Zone
Ending,
Losing, Letting Go
Fig: 4 Bridges Transition model (2013)
So, here you are! Having appreciated the detail of this reflection you are arriving at the
‘new normal’ one which you have taken charge of shaping despite many of the elements
being out of your influence or your control. It is again a time to Cherish and Celebrate.
Questions
1. The Uncertainty Avoidance Index is:-
a. A profile I can complete to help me identify which aspects of my life need to
change.
b. The order of preferences for what a person wishes to avoid in their life.
c. The ability to tolerate uncertainty, whether this is in an individual, country or
organisation.
2. According to William Bridges, does your transition to cope with change start
with:-
a. ‘Beginnings’ or
b. ‘Endings’?
3. As you work through the ‘Neutral Zone’ of your transition from your ‘old life’
towards what you hope will be your ‘New Normal’ which of the following
activities may you find a positive contribution:-
a. Anything which takes my mind off my emotions and feelings.
b. Keeping quiet and private about my thoughts, questions, hopes etc.
c. Creativity and/or new learning
d. Keeping focused on a long-term outcome only and not getting side-tracked.
e. Allowing myself to try temporary solutions.
58
Answers
1. c
2. b
3. c & e
59
BOOK TITLE Bibliography
BIBLIOGRAPHY
Baumesiter, R (2013) Some Key differences between a happy life and a meaningful life in
the Journal of Positive Psychology Vol 8 Issue 6
Bolton-Frost, J (2020) Paper on Self Coaching and winning strategies for a new reality
Brann, A (2013) Make you brain work: How to maximise your efficiency, productivity and
effectiveness Kogan Page London
Bridges, W (2013) 3rd ed Managing Transitions Nicolas Brealey
Brockbank, A, McGill, I, Beech, N (2002) Reflections: Learning in Practice Aldershot Gower
Brown, B (2018) Dare to Lead Penguin Random House
Cacioppo, J To Grow to Adulthood TEDtalk
Chapman-Clark, M (2015) Coaching in times of Crisis and Transition
Cskiszentmihalyi, M (1975) Beyond boredom an anxiety: Experiencing flow in work and play
Jossey
Festinger (1954) A Theory of Social Comparison Processes in Human Relations; the first
decade 1947 – 1956
Fisher, J (2012) The Process of Transition – Personal transition curve
Hofstede, G (1984) Cultures Consequences Sage Publications
Kofman, F (2014) Authentic Communications Sounds True Publications
Kublar-Ross, E (1969) One Death and Dying Routledge
Lawley, N Tompkins, P (2000) Metaphors in Mind: Transformation through symbolic modelling

pub The Development Company
Miekle (2016) Social Media: Communication, Sharing and Visibility Routledge
60
BOOK TITLE Bibliography
Peters, S (2011) The Chimp Paradox: The Mind Management programme for Confidence Success
and Happiness London Vermillion
Public Health Wales (2019) Resilience: Understanding the interdependence between

individuals and communities
Rock, D (2013) Handbook of Neuroleadership Createspace Independent Publishing
Seligman, M (2011) Flourish: A visionary new understanding of happiness and wellbeing NY

Press
Snel, E (2013) Sitting still like a frog: mindfulness exercises for kids Shambhala Publications
Tuckman, B (1965) Forming, Storming Norming – Team Development model – Businessballs.

com
VanWeele , T J (2020) Activities in Flouring in Journal of Positive Psychology & Wellbeing
Warrender, D Milne, R (2020) How use o social media and social comparison affect mental
health in Nursing Times (online) 116;3 56-59
Williams & Penman ( ) Mindfulness: A Practical guide for finding peace in a frantic world.
World Health Organisation (WHO) 2020 – Health – New European Health Policy Frameworks
61

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What are some of the topics covered in the book?

What are some of the topics covered in the book?

How does the book describe managing transitions?

How does the book describe managing transitions?

LYNNE WALLEY, LESLEY SAGE

2 Listening to and Challenging Myself 19

5 Change and Transition 50

ABOUT THE AUTHORS

Building on a BSc in Geology, followed by qualifying, and working, as a Scientific Librarian

Lynne is a qualified Executive Business Coach, Psychometric Administrator and author

She holds an LLB(Hons) and an MA in Criminology and is British Psychological Society

Socrates (Greek philosopher 470 -399 BC)

This book is aimed at:

It is not designed as an alternative to professional counselling

Hans Christian Anderson

1.1 SELF CARE

Healthcare is focused on maintenance or improvement of health through prevention of

1.1.1 SUGGESTED ACTIVITY

1.2 STATE OF MIND

EMOTIONS → FEELINGS → STATE of MIND

1.2.1 SUGGESTED ACTIVITY

As an introduction to Appreciative Inquiry, let’s start with a definition of ‘Inquiry’, just as

‘Appreciative Inquiry’ is a well established organisational model in business development

1.2.2 SUGGESTED ACTIVITY

1. Online, self-teaching courses are offered by organisations e.g. https://www.

2. Books may include CDs or be available as a download, e.g. Mindfulness: A

4. Apps offering mindfulness guidance of various lengths e.g. four to fourteen

1.3.1 SUGGESTED ACTIVITY

A one minute mediation (taken from Mindfulness)

RE-CAP: Wellbeing relies on YOU:-

• Sustaining your own reasons to live

c. Listen to the opinions of others

3. What is missing from the model – Emotion – Feelings?

4. What are the three core ingredients of your Wellbeing?

2.1 NOTING YOUR THOUGHTS

2.1.1 SUGGESTED ACTIVITY

2.2 ‘WHO’ IS THE ‘MYSELF’ I AM LISTENING TO?

2.3.1 SUGGESTED ACTIVITY

The social experience Immediate reactions, considered responses

STATUS – recognition, acknowledgment, job

CERTAINTY – things/happenings which feel

AUTONOMY – feelings of independence,

RELATEDNESS – connections and whether

FAIRNESS – your sense of justice, of what is

2.4 POSITIVIST OR PHENOMENOLOGICAL APPROACHES TO

Myers Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI) https://www.myersbriggs.org/my-mbti-personality-

VAK Learning styles https://www.businessballs.com/self-awareness/vak-learning-styles-

Learning Cycle by Kolb https://www.businessballs.com/self-awareness/kolbs-learning-

2.4.1 SUGGESTED ACTIVITY

• What feelings were aroused in you?

This reflection leads nicely into phenomenological approaches to ‘listening to myself ’.

2.4.2 SUGGESTED ACTIVITY

Write for one minute, non-stop, on one of the following:-

2.5 METAPHOR AND CLEAN LANGUAGE

2.5.1 SUGGESTED ACTIVITY

• Is there anyone else in the boat with you?

1. What you notice you ‘Walk towards’ / ‘Are drawn to exploring’.

2.6 YOUR ‘STONE OF LIFE’

• No-one asks to be born

• Family is more important than work